“I love to be hated and I hate to be loved.” Sam Vaknin, narcissist and author
of “Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited”.
That statement could be further expanded to say that a narcissist loves to be hated, hates to be loved, and also loves to hate.
Who do they hate? They hate you. They hate you if you criticize them or have a different opinion from theirs, they hate you if you are successful in any sort of way,
they hate you if you are a woman, and they hate you if you tell them you love them.
One of the defining characteristics of narcissism is the excessive jealousy they feel toward others.
When you achieve any level of success in life, whether as big as a prestigious award or as small as a compliment, the narcissist is going to hate you for it.
Why does the narcissist hate you when you are successful? Basically, there are four reasons.
—-> The Narcissist in Relationships, Our Complete Guide
#1. Jealousy
The first and most obvious reason is that they are jealous. Narcissists can’t tolerate anyone else’s good fortune.
Not surprising, they are resentful of it. They always believe/wish it should be them instead of you; they think they are more entitled to it than you.
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#2. Your Success Reflects Bad on Them
The second reason is that they think your success might make them look bad.
In the workplace, for example, it might increase the standards for which they will be judged in the future.
They may be challenged to have to improve themselves as they need to always be number one, the best, and the most important.
#3. You Don’t Deserve Success
The third reason is that they typically think you don’t deserve the success.
They feel that success came too easy for you or that you are not qualified enough for it.
For example, some narcissists will automatically dismiss your accomplishments because you don’t have what they feel is the right amount of education or experience.
They have an image of what a successful person should be or look like – and you’re not it… but of course, they believe they are.
#4. Familiarity
The fourth reason is familiarity. As the saying goes, it breeds contempt; this is especially true where narcissists are concerned.
A narcissist would be quick to say something such as, “Isn’t he the same old John I grew up with, went to school with, and partied with – who does he think he is now?”
The narcissist sees your success as a form of betrayal of him (it’s always about him!) – a betrayal of the person you used to be or should still be in his mind.
How The Narcissist Reacts To Your Success
If someone compliments you on anything-your style, work, children, life, good looks or personality- the narcissist is immediately jealous.
He may retaliate by raging at you or demeaning you with nasty remarks.
The narcissist needs to have the spot light; he craves the attention and doesn’t want to share it with anyone…especially if it is someone he considers his inferior (most people).
He will say and do everything possible to diminish the “success” (at whatever level that success is).
The narcissistic abuser seeks feeling superior to, and in control of, his partner; his goal is to make her feel inferior, demoralized and powerless so that she would not be able to leave him – or trump him in success.
When you become successful (and “success” can be anything positive such as a compliment, certification or small award) they will retaliate by:
- Sulking
- Refusing to talk
- Withdrawing affection
- Strutting and posturing
- Stomping out
- Walking away
- Denial of anger and abuse: The abuser will deny the partner’s reality and the abuser’s fault.
- Trivializing: The abuser acts as though the partner’s opinions, thoughts, actions, or concerns are trivial or don’t count.
- Judging and criticizing: The abuser puts down the partner’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.
- Blocking and diverting: The abuser purposefully creates barriers to the partner’s efforts to communicate and will change the conversation to gain control.
- Name calling: The abuser strips away the partner’s dignity and/or identity by replacing it with a foul name.
- Chronic forgetting: The abuser regularly “forgets” or is consistently late for appointments, functions, or other important events to the partner.
Success is not the only area where you will see the behaviors listed above.
Watch out for ‘narcissistic rage’ if you tell a narcissist you love him!
Sam Vaknin, author and self-proclaimed narcissist states that,
“Nothing is more hated by the narcissist than the sentence ‘I Love You’. It evokes in him almost primordial reactions.”
He goes on to say that the narcissist hates women- virulently and vehemently.
A narcissist is a misogynist and equates being loved with being ‘possessed, encroached upon, shackled, transformed, reduced, exploited, weakened, engulfed, digested and excreted’.
To him, love is a dangerous pursuit. When a woman tries to pick up a narcissist, flirt or court him, he is likely to react by subjecting her to humiliating contempt or by dumping her after having sex with her.
In both cases he makes it clear that he is superior and that the woman is nothing to him but a pathetic parasite or an object to be violated.
He thinks that her approaching him and attempting to seduce him was proof of her stupidity, blindness, or maliciousness… for how could she not have noticed how different and superior he is?
Furthermore, loving someone means knowing him intimately. The narcissist believes he is so unique that no one can ever really know or understand him.
The narcissist genuinely believes he is ONE of a kind. To say to him “I love you”, negates the feeling of uniqueness and he views it as trying to drag him down to the lowest common denominator.
It threatens his sense of being ‘special’ as anyone and everyone is capable of loving …and even the basest human being can love. To the narcissist it is a primitive, common ability.
The narcissist is usually well aware that he is a con artist, a fraud, an elaborate hoax, a hollow being.
He thinks any person who loves him is either lying (after all, what is there to love in a narcissist?) – or a dependent creature, blind and stupid, unable to detect the truth.
The narcissist cannot tolerate the thought that he selected a liar or an idiot for a mate, so a declaration of love is an indirect criticism of the narcissist’s own powers of judgment.
The narcissist hates you and your love- however, and wherever, it is manifested.
Thus, when his spouse demonstrates her love to their children, he wishes them all a horrible death.
He is so pathologically envious of his spouse that he wishes she never existed.
Being a bit paranoid, he also holds the conviction that she is doing it on purpose, to remind him how miserable he is, how deficient and deprived he is.
The narcissist regards her relationship with their children to be a provocation, an attack on his emotional well being.
Seething envy, boiling rage and violent thoughts are the flames consuming the narcissist’s brain whenever he sees other people happy.
Aren’t we all narcissistic is some way?
I think so.. But my husband is above and beyond.. Sad. Such a terrible thing
We are born narcissistic then mauture, acquire emotional intelligence & empathy.
A narcissist is a pathological person who lacks the neurology to be empathetic. Sometimes called the schizoid solution, they can disassociate from their terrifying rages, Ted Bundy was a successful pathological person. Often the ability to switch personas, kill then drink coffee is a specific cognition.
Immature or younger adults might lack maturity but aren’t consumed by the suppressed rage.
Everyone is to some degree. To a certain point, it is normal. The problem is with the extremely narcissistic, most particularly with the sociopath narcissist described above. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg.
A small amount is healthy, this article isn’t referring to healthy, normal individuals. Unless you’ve been involved with a full blown narcissist, you wouldn’t be able to understand. They completely lack ANY type of normal consciousness that regulates guilt, healthy behavior, etc.
Please don’t puke on me
No, many take for a mistake and are confused about if they care for themselves. Narcissistic people they care for themselves and their needs to extend to hurt the others and feel pleasure and content with it, instead normal people care for themselves and their needs but when they realise that their actions hurts the people will stop and find another way to fulfil their needs and the care needeed. Just ask yourself, you will do anything to have what you want even step on people souls /hearts? A narcisstic person will do that. They will fulfil their needs on no matter what cost, even with life cost. This is why many narcisstic parteners end up suicide. And is very disturbing that even when their parteners commit suicide they will be content amd “happy”. Happy us in brackets that they never feel real happiness and love. Al of us we care for our need but the one’s who have a soul in the they will stop when see that their actions is provoking pain or lost of souls.
These stories are extreme I believe some cases are much more subtle. The nagging partner is insidious form.
Don’t drive to fast
Don’t cook that way
Don’t say anything that will offend anyone
The list goes on and on
Because of the personality disconnect it’s all in my imagination
Don’t be so sensitive
Finally I was expected to remain friends in a platonic relationship
After four years of incredible sex
The ultimate control using the most base human desire
Yikes 😱
My mother acts like this. Problem is im 12 and i can’t fight back or she’ll severley hurt me.
Yes, we all have Narcissistic traits to one degree or another. Possessing traits is in no way comparable to being a Narc.
Nope. The very thought that Love is a Weakness sickens me. I figured out my now ex-husband is a narcissist with the help of a counselor at a womens shelter. He accused me of being a parasite…..a word used in this article. He was insanely jealous of my CAT and hinted at getting rid of it because he felt I gave it too much attention. These people are really out of touch with sanity. I know it is increasing, but NO we are NOT all narcissistic.
Mine hated my cat too. I vowed never to own another pet as long as he he was around.. he hates animals and creatures in general. I watched him get pissed off tonite and I told him to stop filling in a hole on his beautiful lawn because a mama rabbit was trying to make a nest out of it. He hates that I love animals and nature so much..
Not to the degree a real narcissist is.
I have been married to a narcissist for 32 years. At first ours was a fairy tale of romance, he treated me like a princess. I couldn’t believe how fortunate I was to have found my prince charming. Two years and two kids into our relationship he verbally and emotionally attacked me very publicly without warning. I felt like the world had spun out of control and I was falling into the center of the earth. It was devastating and thus began the cycle of trying to be good enough, and always failing. The last 30 years have been a never ending downward spiral of control, verbal and emotional abuse, and dominance. I stayed “for the sake of the kids” knowing that if I left they would be at his mercy when they were with him. We ended up with 5 children in all, a direct result of him always being obsessed with what he cant have…so if the threat of pregnancy was a danger no matter how badly he did not want to have another child then he would be obsessed with having sex when the danger to conceive was present. It is so sick. He always is obsessed with the forbidden. To the outside world we were the “perfect family”. He showered me with expensive jewelry for each holiday but would scream at me that I was a bitch if I failed to meet one small demand. Everything was about appearances to the outside world. On the inside it was pure hell. Our marriage took the inevitable turn of his obsession with porn and increasing demands toward the ever increasingly sick and disturbing. Once something had been done it was not off limits and his appetite would turn towards something more dangerous or forbidden. I really began to be afraid, realizing he was capable of anything not just physical abuse. For years he had used physical and emotional intimidation to get his way. He never once hit me because I had told him the first time he started to hit me that if he did then he would never see me or our baby (our first) again. But I didnt know to put my foot down with the other behaviors. I didnt know it was abuse. I tried so hard to please him. With my self esteem was completely destroyed, I finally realized the true nature of the beast. I knew he would eventually be sick of me and discard me. That once all the taboos were broken or I put my foot down that I would be of no use to him. I was just like the sports car, the Harley, the expensive electronics. Once he had them he grew sick of them and moved on the the next challenge. A few years ago when he took me to an exclusive club for swingers I put my foot down and refused to go in. He tried three different times to get to go and each time I refused to even get out of the car. I knew it was the beginning of the end. In the months that followed his treatment of me became more disparaging and abusive than ever. But by now I had grown a backbone. I still didnt realize that I was dealing with a narcissist, I didnt know what one was. But I knew I deserved better and was through being dominated and controlled. Something deep inside me snapped and I decided enough is enough! I had gotten a full time job for the first time in our marriage. I had my own paycheck and didnt have to account for each cent. Interestingly my first paycheck disapeared after it was direct deposited…he behind my back spent it at the Harley dealership. So I got my own account. This was so egregious to him that he decided then and there that he had the right to do what ever he wanted, and will tell anyone who will listen that my rebellious act of standing up to my “victimized” husband justifies his having affairs. He now lives with another woman. He lied to me for years about being unfaithful. Even my children could see the writing on the wall and tried to get me to leave him. I didn’t see it as an option as he had controlled the finances to tightly I knew I couldn’t survive on my paycheck, and we still had a child living at home. I didn’t think I could do it. He behavior continued to deteriorate and everyone, even his own family members who were shocked at his outrageous behavior began asking me if he was on drugs. I started searching the internet looking for symptoms of drug abuse. Nothing fit. But a questionnaire linked on Web MD finally gave me the answer. He has a personally disorder. He is a true narcissist. Finally everything made sense. It is him to a “T”. I finally got it. I finally realized no amount of praying is going to turn him around. I can’t be good enough to please him, he is never going to change. He would use me up until it killed me if I let him. In November of this year he “opened up” to me, admitting an affair and telling me he wants out. But his plan was for me to stay with him for two more years until our daughter is out of high school. He absolved himself of his guilty feelings and went on his merry way, confident that I would obey him and he could have it all. As he walked out the door that day, he even had the nerve to order me to do a few chores for him. I’m sure he felt so good as he walked away, thinking he could keep the appearance of a perfect family and home, but go off and have the free wheeling lifestyle. As soon as he left I ran to the bathroom and vomited, feeling like he had dumped all his poison venom into me. In the weeks that followed, even though he not longer lived here, he randomly would pop in unannounced about once a week with no warning. It could be in the middle of the night, during the day when I was in the shower, or while I was at work. I never knew when he would show up. I began to feel afraid for my life. I filed for divorce and changed the locks on the house. Now he is enraged. He is playing the poor victim whose wife has thrown him out of the house. Even changing his appearance from dressing like a playboy to dressing the part of an impoverished down and out construction worker. He owns his own business, of course. Because he never should have to be accountable to anyone, not a boss, not the IRS that is for sure.
Since filing I have found random windows unlocked (in the middle of a snowstorm), the backdoor left open, the front door, even the garage door went up while I was home alone one day. About a month before he left in November he unhooked the smoke detectors, kicked apart the security system sign so that the phone number is unreadable and also installed a new front door with a keypad. So yeah, of course he is enraged that I beat him at his game by having the locks changed.
I wish I could use the no contact policy. I look forward to the day when our daughter is old enough that we do not have to co parent. He is using her as a tool to gain access into our home. All of a sudden he is Disney land dad and just misses her so much. Even she is smart enough to say, then how come he never wanted to be bothered with me when he lived here?
It is a delicate tightrope act, trying to figure out how to be and what to say how to stay a step ahead of him. I am so looking forward to the day that I have my own home, and can live in peace. At this point I cant ever see myself trusting another person enough to have a relationship again. I just want to live a normal life, one where I just wake up, go to work, come home and do my chores without feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough. Without being called names or belittled. Just feeling free. And if I make a mistake, oh well. Learning and moving on without blowing it out of proportion. I look so forward to that. Some day. Hopefully soon. I am taking baby steps every day moving toward that goal. Thank you for your advice. It helps more than I could ever say.
Your post was gut wrenching, M. My mother was married to a narcissist for about 35 years and in a way, he did kill her. He told her if she ever gained weight, he would leave her. She was always worried about gaining an ounce and kept her weight down by barely eating and smoking like a chimney. She was under constant stress and very unhappy. She got cancer and died at age 49, a very sad, unhappy woman…which is shocking considering that naturally she was a very intelligent, kind and beautiful person. Her funeral was packed with people who adored her. But, she was mesmerized by my father who was emotionally and physically abusive to her and myself. My childhood and her early death left me scarred for many many years. You sound like a very brave and wise woman. Please get the support you need and stay strong. Wishing you well..
You have made me peer into my future Ann. My daughter days the same things to me, how I think far lesser of myself than what is the true reality. I imagine that she lives under similar conditions that you did growing up. It’s not surprising to see some of the same of the narcissist traits in her like her father/my husband has demonstrated for her 19 years. Difference is, she is self aware of the behaviors and checkpoints herself to be righteous in her self preservation rather than exploding and attacking randomly for unknown reasons. The spell is of a narcissist is so hard to break free from. It’s crazy making and zaps happiness. As we age the momentum to continue on living is lost and apathy and wanting to escape takes over. It’s a sad realization that (in my case for 26 years) this one, single person will never think of us as what others try desperately to convince us of. There’s no rationalization to it – to me it’s like wanting love and acceptance from the ghost of the image of a person that I love for inexplicable reasons. It makes zero sense and I completely empathize with others in these crazy relationship dynamics. I know this was posted last year and you may not see this response but, if you do, thank you Ann. Thank you for your simple words, they stopped me dead in my tracks and got me thinking like nothing else has. May your sweet mother rest in peace and here’s hoping that your present life and future are peaceful and loving.
OMG this just put into tears. My ex- partner also put me a condition for to be in the relationship. I had to weight 48kg or look close to a bikini model. So I did. Everytime I was no lean enough it will be massive blow ups. Then I got pregnant, then he won’t touch me. He emotionally abused me almost a year within pregnancy and post pregnancy. He won’t even be afeccionated as he did no want to have intimacy with me. He constantly called me fat though I beg him to stop. He threatened me that I will be a single mother if I was no to lose the baby weight. I felt extremely unhappy that I sabotaged the relationship till he decided I was not worth to be with. He announced we are no longer a couple on my birthday. In his mind I am the cause we are not together. I know the feeling of never being good. I know the feeling of having your selfsteem destroyed. Thankfully for me I got my beautiful son out of that. He is my life and for him I would do it again. Much love to you.
I feel ya but i got 2 jobs a new car buying clothes fixing everything in the house and loving life i no longer love him i think i stop way bfor i knew he was a narcississt cause i got tired of pleasing him all the time everything about i want some attention i think at a point i lost who i was i didnt remenber but iam back
It is called emotional Murder
All of the bizarre behavior since you changed the locks and the rage you describe is writing on the wall that you need to get out now. Leave. Live in a shack. Whatever it takes to have life. My husband snapped because of something I said and the next thing I knew , I was under a pillow being smothered. It was the grace of God that he stopped, but even then, he came up behind me and put me in a choke hold. I got away although he was blocking the door for a while . They can go temporarily insane for real, and it sounds like your husband is setting things up to look like all of these things are happening leading up to something. He won’t be bested, so get out. File a restraining order. Value your life NOW!!
I agree with Angel. Get out. I was with mine for 20 years and 3 kids. It was SO HARD to make that decision, until he made it for me by evicting me and then moving his new victim in before we’d left. They began sleeping together that same night. It was humiliating, and they’d both deny it.
Stop worrying about saving enough money or anything else. PLEASE go now.
This will seem very strange, but I actually found your reference to “Prince Charming” alarming and offensive. There is no such ‘character’. It is a Walt Disney invention and one that I never ascribed to.
The Dean of a college I attended made the mistake of accusing me of ‘sitting around waiting for Prince Charming’ to show up in my life. I ripped him another a___hole. I was livid.
At 19, no girl should be accused of anything regarding the life path she is on for a million reasons (and Prince Charm is a fictitious cartoon character).
My life led me down many paths of adventure. My ideal guy was a very enthusiastic outdoor person. He canoed 1000 miles on the Yukon River before he met me, and together we canoed the vast areas of Quebec and Maine. I did not want a ‘Prince Charming’ and never ever thought about it.
Regarding your post: your marriage sounds horrendous. My husband is a narcissist too (obviously my Canadian boyfriend is a story from long ago). My spouse is not as bad as yours, I must say, and we don’t have children. But he is definitely a narcissist and gives me a hard time…although we can do things together and have had many a wonderful trip in different parts of the world.
Best of luck to you and my heart goes out to you. The unfortunate reality is that he cannot change.
the local womens shelters have free counseling for this type of abuse. It is helping me. my thoughts are with you. You are very strong.
It’s eerie how similar our stories seem to be. I too was married to a narcissist for 32 years, actually I still am but have started the divorce proceedings. He has not stopped punishing me (not physically) but emotionally ever since I started the proceedings. He is furious that I no longer will believe his lies, no longer believe the lies about other women, I am basically saying no more and he is not accepting it. He has done everything in his power to keep me from moving on…but I keep getting up everyday and putting one foot in front of the other and move forward. He does not want to split the marital assets with me. Because he makes more money than me he feels entitled to everything, even though I have worked most of the years we’ve been married. I have never experienced anyone so full of hate and revenge, no empathy, willing to see me destitute on the streets before conceding to the fact I deserve at least half of the marital assets. I have to live too! But that no longer interest him. The word “fair” is not known to him unless he is the one being treated unfairly. There were so many red flags over the years but once you begin a life together, begin to have children, you just go about everyday doing what married people do and you think somehow this is all there is and gradually come to accept it. Like you I just want to get my own home, go to work everyday, come home to peace and just learn how to relax again.
Your story touches me and brings me to tears as I read. Your story is a mirror of mine. I too look forward to the day of freedom in my own home and skin again.
Thank you for sharing.
OH ….OMG I KNOW WHAT YOU. WENT THROUGH IM GOING THROUGH ALL THAT NOW …I NEVER HEARD OF A NARCISSIST I DIDNT KNOW THAT WORD EXCISTED. ITS HORRIFYING…. WE BEEN DATEING ALMOST TWO YEARS NO CHILDREN ThaNK GOD
Michelle
You may want to consider getting away from him and work on your own healing while you still have your sanity because a narcissist will stop at nothing to destroy the one they profess to love. They cannot change. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. He will hurt your soul.
M, your marriage is exactly like mine. My mom was a Narcissist and so I married one. He murdered my soul. Abused me emotionally, physically, financially and sexually. He put me in such a depression, I tried killing myself many times. We’ve been separated for 3 years and yet I still want his attention and love. Kind of like Stockholm syndrome even though he still demeans me. I dated many Narcs since and still have not learned my lesson. My Mom did a number on me. I have no self worth. So I stopped dating. All I care about now is protecting my two children. I worry all the time when they are alone with him. I worry he’ll hurt them. I envy people who don’t have to deal with such malicious narcissistic partners. I wish and dream for a man who will love me and my kids unconditionally. Leave before he kills your soul. I stayed way too long. 19 years, 6 months, 10 days….
Kristen, I am where you are(were). I have been married to a narc for 18 almost 19 years. We have two kids together and he has “raised” my oldest son also. I’ve been abused emotionally, physically, sexually and financially. I have horrible anxiety, depression and have tried to commit suicide. I still think of killing myself often. I was afraid to leave because of his threats and because I feared no one would believe me about what he was doing. He plays the role of doting husband and father so well. It is infuriating. I was afraid of leaving my kids alone with him, I felt if I stayed I would always be around to keep them safe from him or whomever he has around. He loves to drink and party. I now know he will never ever change. My kids and I have suffered far too long. My daughter is now a teen and hates him, Oddly enough, she is now displaying many of his traits. I have saved some money the past couple of years and acquired an apartment. The apartment remains empty because I cant seems to make myself move because of his actions and now because of my daughters. I have been to counselors and my pastor. I feel so helpless. Why cant I just go? Why I’m I so afraid?
The hardest thing to do is to leave an abuser because of the trauma bonding. It is not easy, but you have to find a way out for your health and that of your daughter. If you are financially ok, you can plan your edit strategies and leave for good. Be strong and try not to please him. We are not the cause of their miserable souls. Focus on yourself and take care of yourself and children. Start one day at a time.
My dear, you are not alone. I was married to a narcissist for 21 years. I left last year with my kids and filled a divorce. Like you, I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was cyclic up and down. Emotionally, I was drained. And I tried so hard to please him, but didn’t know that narcissists are empty and leaking bucket and trying to please them is like trying to fill a leaking bucket with water and expect it to hold the water to the brim.
He hated me with passion after all the love I showed him. He was too jealous of me that he would sabotage any effort I made to progress. Even shut my business down because he was not sure I was giving him all the money I made even when he had access to the cash register. He took all my paychecks before we opened the business and would give me $20 every 2 weeks.
He is so toxic that he would with hold information, affection and intimacy. It took me 13 years of living with him to unmask him when I went to the internet and found out some videos that make me realize what I was in. I cried like a baby the day I discovered him. I cried for all the love I showed him over the years and how hard I tried to please him to no avail. Looking back, I realized I was the one giving and he is busy receiving and gave me nothing in return except abuse and manipulations. When I stopped supplying him with money and affection and care, he started cheating. When he found out he is living with a different person from what he was dealing with before, he wanted to sale the house and move to another state, but I refused for him to sale the house and that was when the real monster came out. I feared for my life and I left the house for him and went and rented an apartment.
When I left him, he had gone to work and I left with my kids. He carried out a smear campaign on me and told everyone that I ran away with a man.
It is still a nightmare but I have my peace now. I am writing a book on my experiences, living with the devil in a form of a husband.
You will be ok, take it one day at a time. Time heal all wounds. I cannot wait to get through the divorce process. I hate to narrate my predicament with this demon because each time I do, I get chest pain. It is well. The Lord is my strength.
Gosh this really resonates with my experience with my ex
Wish you all the best in rebuilding your life I am hopeful that I can start to live my own life too
Been married over 30 years to my wife who I so deeply loved. Through the years things happened or her responses didn’t make sense. She set the rules, 12 years I found out about an affair she was having. Now she has been having an affair with a neighbor 35 years younger for over a year. Just found out this morning the length of time from phone records. Took an overlay of a covert narc and all the parts and peices fit perfectly! I did this 5 days ago. She will end up with most of our assets. I’m looking at the edge here. Best of luck.
M what can I say, just read through your post. My heart goes out to you it really does. I can not imagine the life you have had and to think this man has robbed you of thirty years, the only good thing being your children who I must say are a credit to you.
I have a narcasist Mother In Law – a woman so full of hate towards me that I havehad to put locks on my bedroom door and my dauhters as she lives with me and is threatening to kill me. All because I have for once in 17 yrs stood up to her. I will tell my story but not in this post. This reply is for you M – to say well done for standing up and saying ENOUGH!!!!!
Believe you me when a person snaps and can not take any more then in my opinion all becomes clear. From the bottom off my heart I wish you love and happiness. I have to say can you be numb like me and move, don’t be scared start a new life. Ask you daughter what she wants. Our teenage daughters are much stronger than we give them credit for.
How can people act this way – I hope they will feel every ounce of hate they have given out magnified.
All the best x
Narcissists hate love because they hate intimacy. Pure and simple. They were attacked traumatically with shame, most likely at a very early age, by someone closest to them (as Sam Vaknin has also stated). That is why they hate love and feel they are “special”. They are afraid of any kind of relationship because it reminds opthem of that trauma.
I also just came to this realization. In getting complex PTSD from my narc father, I realize your brain forms mental pathways that associate certain stimuli with the trauma you experienced. Therefore, you don’t want anything to with that stimuli, and if it involves the characteristic (in any aspect of that word) of that person that traumatized you it feels better to be the opposite way. What most likely happens with narcs is that they hate how “good, loving people” made them feel (meaning those who were supposed to be that way), so it feels better to be an unconditionally hating, disdainful villain.
Its amazing how full of hatred these men are. I have just got out of a miserable, loveless marriage of 8 yrs with an N I was delusional !!! Once you go no contact it becomes clear, REAL clear what it was all about. They hate it when you figure them out, and there rage can be dangerous as your seen as a threat to the sheep versus the real wolf persona. Its heartbreaking being duped and used, yet is also liberating lesson learnt. Don’t think for one second if your married and stick it out they will be there, cos as soon as they find a better mirror they are gone without a care in the world you have to RUN now !!!
Kudos to all of you who woke up, made a plan, and then left your N. I am now almost finished moving out my things, and am planning a date to have my N served with divorce papers.
I have raised all of my children, thank God. For thirty years, we followed this military guy around the globe. We put off furnishing our home properly, travel, and socializing in general with the promise of better things after he retired. Retirement happened in 2012. Now two years in, I was beaten within an inch of my life for no reason whatsoever. It has happened before, but never, ever, to this extent. A scar on my temple still clearly visible after three months. I am going tomorrow to pursue therapy for a shoulder that has not healed properly.
After I was injured, I, of course, tried to figure out what had provoked him.
This time, I called two close friends and confided to them what he did. One friend told me that I need to wake up – he is a narcissist. I began to research, and as I read, I kept noticing that compartmentalized lives, cheating, separate bank accounts are the norm. It took me a while to get over the denial and start to pry. I found several online “hookup” dating sites, pics of himself having sex (fetish style), and two bank accounts in his name only, one of which is with two retirement fund accounts which were never transferred as intended. I also found evidence that he bought drugs.
In the time since he attacked me, I have been moving my belongings to a storage unit. He has not once since the morning after the attack asked me about my well being. He did try to give me a pistol he had purchased for me (dumbass) as an apology gift. He had ordered it, and picked it up as it was back ordered…and confessed all of it in a note. He could not believe that I wouldn’t accept it. I couldn’t even lift my arm at the time as he had inflicted a hairline fracture and separated my shoulder.
Next step, I hired an attorney. As soon as I remove my personal belongings from my house, I will have him served. I will of course pay off debt with his hidden account before I file. He is so arrogant that he leaves everything in plain sight while he goes to the gym or visits hookers.
Take advantage of his arrogance and do what you need to do to get away. PLEASE.
I am curious how the author Sam V as a narcissist is able to be so insightful into being a narcissists. How come other narcissists aren’t able to see themselves like this?
Kim good question. I would like to know the answer to…Someone also mentioned we are all narcissists to a degree…when do we cross that line…Are others more crazy than some? My Narc didnt do all the characteristics associated with Narcissm…love bombing I did not get, etc. does this mean hes a different type?
The NPD is exactly this.n
Here are some comments mine made during our abusive relationship.
” oh, well everybody loves you” negative statement.
“I’m a little disappointed in your outfit” negative and often expressed after the initial romantic phase.
“I like women with grey hair, you don’t have to colour it fir me” I don’t have grey hair, I do colour my hair.
“What shocks me is how easily women say they love you, when they don’t” ie. He has been dumped by a few, me fir one.
“You still look quite youthful” negative.
“I don’t love many women, that will give them the power” ie.iimplication that I was a chosen one, that love is about power, he hooked up with a new partner 3 weeks after a rage incident.
“I’m not like them” ie. His family who are all normal.
“I wish I could be like them” ie. His friends all happily married implication being they settle for less.
“I love and hate you at the same time” when I called him on cowardly behaviour.
“Hey you” “why are you ignoring me” after he has been with his new girlfriend for 10 months.
“Only me checking in”
“If you’re in the area we should meet fir coffee”
“I miss you”
“Are you alright now” implication here being I was the angry one who raged.n
These are all to suck me back, proves the ability to cheat, proves he is living a lie as he has an SO.
Mostly I ignore them as he has given me long enough to recover and rebound. I was traumatised.nhis ex wife has remained a shell drinking herself to sleep. I’m lucky i saw 2 rages and one tantrum is the space of two months. I was given the silent treatment whilst the new romance was blossoming. It hurt me I can’t deny it, but also a big stroke of luck he had me on the edge and was cruel, he failed to rescue me in time.
I was involved with a narcissist for 20 years. I still deal with him as”friends” but it’s just codependency. I hate him with every fiber of my being as much as he hates me. Both being narcissists, we have that common thread but his PD developed out of the fawning mother/special child relationship whilst mine was borne out of neglect and abandonment. I am aware of my personality disorder, he just thinks every one is a piece of crap compared to him, period.
Double standards really get me fired up and if I’ve been disrespected by him as well as having him gaslight a 4yr old. The anger for him is pretty big.
Living with some one like this is draining physically and emotionally, but what can you do ?
They will not seek help, they laugh at you, and they keep changing from Nice to Nasty at the flick of a finger
I hate that more than anything — changing from nice to nasty in the bat of an eyelash. Truer words were never spoken. I’ve seen him to it so many times.. Trashing a person – moaning/groaning and complaining about them.. and then when confronted with that person? Turn into butter. Sweet as pie – almost scary at the instant change of gears. The poster boy for Dr Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde.
If you can get out – run. It takes a very strong person to deal with one of these people. Not for the weak hearted.
They are very sick people. If involved with a narcissist you need to get away. Just run as far as you can. Don’t look back. They will never change but you will for the worse. They will suck you dry with their sick games. They are mentally ill. Everything they say is lies. They are pathological liars. Not to be trusted. Look after yourself and take care. Mel xx
Really?
Love someone is a bad thing? Love your own children is bad thing! What’s happened in this world, I don’t know. Those Narcissists are funny, he pretended to love them at first, when the time those women showed love to them, they hated them to pick them and falling for them. That’s why they deserve to be dumped. What a sick and twisted mind…
Sick and twisted you hit the nail on the head Rita. They are incapable of love. Even the most dysfunctional of relationships has some kind of loving. Evil, evil and dangerous. Toxic yes, poisonous yes, get away from them yes,yes,yes.
Narc men are correct in one thing, most women are blind and stupid. How could they not know that men are just various types of shit?
That sounds a bit harsh Alexa. I hope you will find someone who will make you feel otherwise. Love can be a beautiful thing but it can also devastate you…
Yes, I have been with a narc off/on l0 yrs – and then finally married him. I thought I could handle him having been the daughter of a narc. Not that it was right – but it was familiar. He wasn’t always nasty – but could be that charming self to manipulate whenever he wanted. We all wish for that charming person to come back – but that’s not the real person. Only a mask for what is underneath. A hateful, mean, jealous, greedy, selfish, lying, cheating, untrustworthy egomaniac. He turned his entire family against me when we broke up hundreds of times – told them lies – twisted truths – anything to destroy me. Tried explaining to the family – but they shut me down calling me a psychotic (?) and refusing to listen to anything I had to say. It is a toxic family – they all side with each other except when triangulation is going on. They can see what my husband is – but they look the other way. Do they know he’s a narc? Nope. Is he nasty? Yes. They think he’s bi polar – SO far from the truth. I moved out 2 yrs ago – live in my own house and collect health insurance. Why am I still ” with” him? I wish I knew. Our counselor told me — “He is a narcissist. You may not want to divorce him now – but you may later.” Those words went thru me like a knife. Am too old to start over so just attempt to set boundaries when he is really nasty. I told him.. ” If you treat me like a piece of garbage, I will leave the house – disengage – and go about my business. ” And I do. They will steamroll you if you let them. Learn to say NO — and mean it. They crave power/control — NEVER let them have it over you.
I have been married 20 year to a person that his counselor said he had narcissistic treats. He left 3 weeks ago. Everything I have been through, police. Having to go to court because I had to prove it wasn’t me that took out Credit Cards in my name. He’s stolen, from me. constantly making me feel insignificant . I am lost
Not knowing how to feel anymore. It’s been a emotional roller coaster. Where do I start?
Debbie I believe he will come back, so be prepared, just split with narc six months ago, after 18 years, we had a fairly rocky relationship ( as counsellor pointed out) , but I just accepted that nothing was right, not just by me but everyone, took him out for his bday on 11 September, for him to push me and break my wrist, and left me in middle of the road, had 2 nights in hospital, stayed with my parents for 2 weeks, while protection order came through, he had another woman on the go all along ( not his 1st affair ), i had to guards to remove him from my property, we have 4 children, and he doesn’t bother with them, says if he can’t have me, he’s not seeing them , they are not one bit bothered, our eldest son knows the truth, but the others are too young, but proves what a useless dad he was when they’re not bothered bout seeing him , he has begged, promised, threatened, all to come back, but this time I’m stronger, and prepared for his bull, he says ” why are you doing this to me ” SERIOUSLY??? He is actually mental and a do feel sorry for him but I’m not risking my life anymore…get out and never look back, it’s not plain sailing, but it’s getting easier!!! Go You xxx
Educating yourself on narcissistic abuse is also great to know you’re not alone xx
Have compassion for yourself and rebuild your true self and self esteem time heal go NO CONTACT
These assholes are monsters. Beyond horrible. They are malicious, vile and evil inhuman beasts. I can’t name ONE good quality. My father was the most hateful evil person to ever walk the earth. He was cruel, belligerent and a bully with a ferocious temper and he died a lonely old man.
My father died and I am glad he is dead.When he was alive I loved him but I didn’t like him
In my experience covert narcs are very sociable, fearless in that regard…. as sociopaths need human interaction, aka people to mess with validate there superiority . opposite of withdrawn. In relationships, the N will withdraw to hurt you, scheme, deny you any humanity or pleasures of life….on outside display opposite..true chameleons..evil is good way to describe it..
Great op-ed!
While I have dated a few narcissists in the past, they where pretty easy to get rid of. Now I am stuck quite a few female in laws who are narcissists. They are the most jealous nasty people that ever lived. The egos on these women is staggering. They all view themselves as super special. Everything is how dare you. I keep secretly hoping they will get their comeuppance and then I can laugh. But truthfully these women are so emotionally clueless that they don’t learn from anything ever.
This is a very scary article about Narcissistis and I’ve read a lot of narcissistic articles. I am involved with a Narc Ex, boyfriend and mom. When does the horror ever end??
The only good narciss is when they are dead
If you just changed the “he” to “she” and so on, this site would make sense. and you would simply make more money in the end. Oh but the choice between money and your soul is likely just myopic economics at this point.
Sounds like you are the narcissist here. Look no further than the mirror Sid.
I am shocked to the core of my being,that someone can actually set out to use,destroy,abuse,leave desolate,the very one who loves and cares for them. My soul pain knows no bounds. Be aware that if anyone is going to leave,that they WILL stalk you through your devices. Even gameboys. I moved four times, and each and every time,he found me. He sent an SMS trojan,to infect my phone.Then he got people to break into my home,Rob me,planted hidden cameras and mics, and poisoned my food. Now I have to run AGAIN. My health has suffered greatly, and he is bound and determined to kill me. Me,the one who has not even demanded spousal support. The one who cared about him,even when I saw the worst of him. My liver is permanently damaged now. He has also infiltrated my support network. It filled me with a burning rage. But,I refuse to be like him.
I refuse to be broken,or used and abused sexually or look the other way if it happens to my kids. I surrendered two beautiful perfect baby girls, because of what I feared he would do to them. Walked away. Spent the last 26 years married,but separated. He gets worse and worse. I’m sure he is coming to kill me. I have suffered very deeply,but am comforted knowing I had the sense not to subject our daughters to being around him day after day, because when our oldest was an infant,she had colic, and cried for hours. He was holding her. I saw the look in his eyes. He was gonna snap. I think if he would have,he would absolutely have blamed me,if he had shaken her to death. I coaxed him into giving her to me,but my heart !!! I almost couldn’t breathe for the fear and horror I felt in that moment!!! I then and there,said,this man’s dangerous. I have to leave. Now he has nothing but venom and hate for me. Because I wouldn’t allow him to abuse us all. I refuse to be controlled. I’m a very stubborn and determined person when I set my mind to it. No matter what it costs me,even if he throws me in jail with accusations ,I will get away!!!! I am NOBODY’S emotional punching bag,and neither are my daughter’s.I refuse to be his scapegoat for his own psychological issues. For a good man,I would,but not for a man who has wholeheartedly schemed to sexually,physically,mentally and financially rape me,and my soul.
The comments of everyone helps each one of us to connect to what has happened to us and each story you can relate to in the narcassist in your own life, each story shocks me and triggers me and i cant believe how many women are going through the same as me (despite me leaving 8 years ago i feel i will never recover) . I love reading these stories and the amazing advise from everyone EXIT IMMEDIATELY FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH AND SANITY! Thank you all so much for your stories you are helping so many people relate and recover.
Women can be narcissists, too. I believe they are under-represented in psychiatry. The classic “hen-pecked (or p____-whipped) husband” seems to be the victim of narcissistic abuse. Too many articles (like the above) imply only men are narcissists.