Why do narcissists lie? Because they suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder. That is the short answer. They operate from a fragmented sense of self, they don’t live by a set of personal values, instead, they see everything as an opportunity because they are playing the game of life, and their only goal is to win. If lying means they win, then so be it, whoever gets hurt in the process is irrelevant. Most of us will lie if we have enough reason to even if it violates our moral standpoint.
However, after the lie has been told, a normal person feels bad given they are now at war with themselves. A battle begins to rage within as their conscience has been seared. On the other hand, the narcissist doesn’t experience this battle since the lie is not at odds with their sense of self.
For them, lying has become a part of life, it’s necessary so they can preserve their false image. When it comes to narcissism and lying, they come as a package deal. If you are dating, related to, or know a narcissist, expect to be fully deceived. Here are 11 common examples of Narcissist Lies they use to control you.
#1. You Are the Most Amazing Person I’ve Ever Met
Those in a relationship with a narcissist will hear phrases like this within the first few weeks of meeting. It is a part of the love bombing stage, and involves the narcissist saying and doing things for their partner to make them feel special and extraordinary. Comments of this nature are overwhelming, and if you are really into a person, such terms of endearment can draw you in very quickly.
And that is the main aim of the narcissist; to get you to fall deeply and passionately in love with them, and once you are no longer of any use, they discard you. Unfortunately, as heartwarming as these words sound, there is no truth in them, and they should act as a red flag when you have first started dating someone.
The reality is, they don’t know you, and until you’ve spent a significant amount of time with someone, you won’t really know if they are the most amazing person you’ve ever met.
#2. You Have Totally Disappointed Me, I Feel Abandoned
Pathological narcissists make excruciatingly unrealistic demands on their partners. They will do things like call you at work and say you need to come home in an hour. Knowing full well that even if you did leave the office as soon as you hung up the phone, it would take you two hours to get back.
They will then accuse you of being unavailable and incapable of meeting their needs. If you ever dare to put your needs first, you are the selfish one who takes pleasure in disappointing them. The narcissist will throw a temper tantrum similar to that of a five-year-old child if they don’t get their own way at all times.
#3. I Promise You I’ll Change
You reap what you sow in life; and eventually, like humpty dumpty, the narcissist has a great fall. They are either caught stealing, cheating, or engaged in some outrageous activity. When this happens, their partner will leave, their husband or wife will file for divorce, or family members will threaten to disown them.
At this point, the begging starts. The narcissist will promise to change, they will agree to seek counselling, they will basically say anything to get themselves out of the mess they have created.
According to psychologist Stephen Johnson, the narcissist has zero intention of changing, their cry for help is simply a plan of escape. Once they have freed themselves from the bondage, the narcissist will return to their old ways.
#4. I Have Never Told a Lie in my Life So Why Would I Lie to You?
The entire statement is a lie because one of the narcissist’s greatest skills is lying. They lie so much that they believe in their own lies.
Anytime the narcissist thinks they’ve been caught up in a lie, or if someone reminds them that what they are saying now contradicts what they said an hour ago, they will categorically deny that any such contradiction has taken place.
In fact, they will put on such an Oscar-winning performance that the other person will start to question whether they heard right.
#5. My Ex-Partner Was Completely Obsessed With Me
Narcissists will do whatever it takes to cover their tracks. Despite the fact that their ex-partner isn’t technically their ex because they have been sleeping together ever since they met you.
The narcissist will make sure they’ve got all their bases covered by telling you their ex is obsessed with them.
They will then proceed to make up lies about the person such as he/she has been bombarding them with phone calls, turning up at the office and threatening to tell their new partner they are having an affair, etc.
The narcissist has now built the perfect wall of defense around themselves so when they are finally caught, their partner is more likely to believe them.
#6. This Relationship Has Ended Because of You
One of the many things a narcissist will never do is take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they will play the deflection game and make their victim believe that whatever has happened is their fault.
When the narcissist decides they have reached the discard phase, they will come up with every reason as to why the relationship has broken down because of the actions of their partner.
Some of what they say may have some truth to it and the narcissist has sprinkled it with pepper, but in general, they will heap a pack of unjustified lies on their significant other before making their exit.
#7. Narcissists Lie About Their Job Title and Earnings
One of the things a narcissist will do when they’ve met someone new is lie about their job title and earnings. They might be a 21-year-old trainee accountant but will spin their love interest a story about how they graduated from college early because they are so intelligent.
He then got promoted to director of the company due to their advanced knowledge. The boss was so impressed with his leadership skills that he was made director two years after starting the job.
It will sound plausible because the narcissist will drive a nice car and live in a plush apartment, but what you don’t know is that they are in $100,000 worth of credit card debt because they refuse to cut their coat according to their size.
Having material possessions and status is another lie narcissist use to hook their victims, and to the unsuspecting person with rose-tinted glasses on, it usually works.
#8. I’m Busy at the Moment
Narcissist Lie #8 The narcissist always wants to keep his victims begging for more. Statements like this typically come after the love bombing stage. They know they’ve got their victim hooked so now its’s time to show their true colors; this is referred to as the devalue stage.
Their partner would have become used to seeing them at 6pm every Friday night. They’ve arranged the meeting; cooked dinner and they are sitting with a glass of wine waiting for the doorbell to ring at 6pm. By 6:30 pm, he hasn’t turned up. She rings several times; he doesn’t answer the phone.
When he finally decides to pick up, the answer to her question,
“Where are you? I thought we were having dinner tonight,” is, “I’m busy….” Click!
No apology and no explanation; meanwhile he’s sitting at home with his feet up watching Netflix tossing popcorn in his mouth.
She looks at the phone perplexed, racking her brains trying to think about what she could have done to make him mad. She eventually chalks it down to he must be having a bad day and doesn’t want to talk about it.
The cycle has just begun, his girlfriend now desperately wants to get back in his good books so she can experience all the love and attention he used to give her.
#9. I’m Out With Friends
You’ve tried to call him in an emergency, or he was supposed to pick you up from your mother’s house at 8pm. Whatever the reason, he isn’t picking up, so you sort it out yourself.
When you finally get to speak and ask where he was, his response is, “I was with my friends.” Again, this is another strategy used during the devaluing stage.
Right up until this point he’s never missed an appointment or a date and he has always been there for you. Now, all of a sudden, he’s gone cold on you; what’s up with that?
Letting you know he was out with his friends is the narcissist’s way of enforcing his superiority over you. He wants you to know that he doesn’t need you, he’s in demand and has got plenty of friends that need his attention. In other words, if you don’t give me what I want when I want it, I will replace you.
#10. I’m Just Checking to See How You Are Doing?
You’ve been dating a narcissist for six months; everything seemed to be going well and then he went missing in action. He stopped responding to your text messages and stopped calling but never told you that the relationship was over.
What really happened was he found someone he thought was better than you and shacked up with them.
When things started going south with the replacement, he randomly sends you a message asking how you are doing. This is referred to as Narcissistic hoovering; please be warned, the narcissist is not getting back in contact with you because he has realized how madly in love he is with you, and wants to rekindle your relationship.
The real reason is he is down on narcissistic supply and he knows you are an easy target.
#11. My Ex-Partner Was Such an Evil Person
This lie will most likely start at the beginning of the relationship, it is one of the narcissists many protection strategies. The reality is that a lot of narcissists are going to have terrible reputations because of how they treat people. Depending on how long they’ve lived in a certain area, the word would have got around town that they are some type of sociopath.
So to give themselves enough room to maneuverer when their partner does start hearing the local gossip, they’ve already lined up an alibi. And you will hear something along the lines of,
“Now, who are you going to believe, I’ve already told you my ex was a nasty piece of work and they’ve been spreading rumors about me.”
Since you are unaware of how a narcissist operates, and you don’t know how to tell a narcissist is lying, it will be very hard for you not to believe them. In fact, when the rumors are brought up, you will fight tooth and nail to defend your partner regardless of the evidence.
Final Thoughts About Narcissist Lies They Use To Control You
Whether you are the girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, friend or family member of a narcissist, familiarise yourself with these lies because you are going to hear something similar at some point in your relationship.
Even if you’re not planning on leaving, having a deeper understanding of the lies a narcissist tells and the way he/she uses them to control you will help with your protection strategy.
Or maybe you’ve just started dating a narcissist and suspect something isn’t quite right because you’ve caught them out in a few lies. If some of these fairy tales sound familiar, you might want to think about moving on because it’s only going to get worse.
The bottom line is that a narcissist is going to lie until they decide they are ready to change. In some cases that might be never, so if you are not thinking about walking away now, be prepared for a lifetime of lies.