Last Updated on May 31, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
Narcissists are masters at playing mind games. They play to win and take no prisoners.
They are poor losers and if they don’t win they will often react in a fit of rage and stomp away like a little child.
The only way for the other person to win is to not play. Here are some of the more common Narcissist mind games they play:
#1 Ping-Pong
When a person begins to understand how a narcissist works, he or she realizes that it’s a bit like playing ping-pong.
Anytime a narcissist has to self-reflect about anything, they will immediately throw the ball back to the person they consider their opponent.
Narcissists will always throw the ball back to the other person. They do this in the expectation that they won’t have to take responsibility for their behavior.
Narcissists hope that by not taking responsibility for their own actions (by using blaming, shaming, projection, denial, etc.) their partner will do what they have always done-forgive the narcissist
They make excuses for the narcissist’s behaviour, claim the narcissist couldn’t help himself because he was having a bad day, and so on.
The narcissist is a moving target and you are always on the firing line.
To get away from them (or expose them), you always have to keep an eye on the ball i.e., their actions and motives for playing their games with you. You have to stop wanting to play.
You can stop catching the ball and put it back in the narcissist’s court by setting boundaries and making him aware of his actions.
He then realizes he has no one to play with anymore. He will either drop the person like a hot potato, try to punish the person, or run away.
#2 Gotcha!
The narcissist can be a master of phony empathy. He appears to take you in, understand what you are experiencing, and genuinely be able to put himself in your shoes.
These acts cause you to let your guard down; just when you think there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship, he pulls a fast one on you-a “gotcha”- most often when you’re at a low point.
He will suddenly tell you about his extraordinary new career move, a luxurious trip that he’s taking, or a huge shift in financial status that will make you feel even more diminished.
Narcissists perfectly execute an unexpected psychological pounce; their purpose is to grind you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior.
#3 Crazy Eights
This is a favorite game of narcissists…YOU are called crazy anytime you try to confront them, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they’re doing something appalling.
The game goes like this: you are told that you have an overly active imagination,
you don’t know what you’re talking about, they have no idea what you’re talking about, or that you’re simply making things up to cause problems.
They’ll tell you that it’s obvious that you are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy).
They will claim not to remember even unforgettable events, flatly deny they ever happened, and will never entertain the possibility that they might have forgotten.
This is an extremely aggressive and infuriating tactic called “gaslighting”, a common technique used by abusers of all kinds.
Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, or reasoning.
#4 Death by a Thousand Cuts
This is a really fun game that all narcissists like to play! It involves destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments and any belief system you have that does not agree with their beliefs.
The way the game is won is for them to try to turn everything about you, and everything you do, into a complete failure.
Extra points are given when they can take all the credit for anything good that has ever happened and put it all in their own pot.
Double points are earned when they manage to put all blame for anything bad onto the other player.
#5 Twenty-One
In this popular game, you’re not allowed to ever reach the emotional age of 21.
Even if you are 50 years old, you will still be treated like a child (a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc.).
You don’t get to have face cards and if you do get an ace, it’s only worth one point.
#6 The King/Queen Game
The most important part to remember about this game is that no one can know the rules except the king or queen.
Either the king or queen gets to make up rules as they go along; they don’t have to tell the other players the new rules and they can change the rules whenever it suits them.
They are the king or queen and, therefore, always win the game.
You can be penalized for breaking the rules, even if they chose not to tell you the rules.
#7 Cat and Mouse
This is a kind of competitive patience (solitaire) game for two players.
It is also known as Spite and Malice. The cards are arranged from low to high with the Kings being wild.
Suits (the normal order of things and\or common societal rules) are irrelevant in the game.
The game ends when someone wins by playing the last card of their “pay-off” pile. The game can also end if the players run out of cards, in which case the result is a draw.
Reading Suggestions:
- The Narcissist and Money Control
- How do Narcissists Treat their Friends?
- 11 Crazy Narcissist Lies They Use
Cat and Mouse (or Spite and Malice) is a perfect game for a narcissist because it is actually a form of solitaire,
it requires “one upmanship”, and involves pulling out “better” cards to beat the opponent.
It involves a “payoff” and for the narcissist, that usually means hurting you somehow.
They keep track of real or imaginary things you do, have done, or might do. This is their “pile” and they will pull a card from it and use it against you whenever possible.
#8 Liars Poker
Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) play this game fantastically.
They are accomplished liars. Their complete persona and their entire world are totally based in lies.
Their positive attributes and alleged actions are all made up in order to get other people to give them their fix of narcissistic supply-praise, adulation and accolades.
#9 Keep Away
This is a game that you, yourself, must learn to play. It is important to recognize that the narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played; it is up to you to stop playing.
To do this, you need to stop bringing up past events/behaviors because you will always be told you’re wrong, they are right, and that you need help.
Don’t try to get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it or it never happened.
Final Thoughts
If you are in a relationship, you can walk away from the toxic narcissist in your life.
If your boss is an abusive narcissist, you can find another job. You can walk away from your parents, too, if they are abusive.
If you choose to stay, one way to stop playing their game is to not respond to jabs, barbs, pleas, put-downs etc.
It is difficult to stop, but perhaps thinking of it this way will help:
if you’re playing a game of catch with a ball, the only way to stop the game is to not catch the ball when thrown or not pick up the ball and throw it back.
It is possible to stop playing games with a narcissist but just be prepared for an onslaught of negativity, accusations and histrionics.
Ignore inciting words, do not respond back to inciting words, hang up the phone (with proper notice such as “I’ve got something I need to do “-not slamming it down) or leave the location where he is at.
There are many ways for you to refuse to catch the ball or put the ball down and not throw it back.
This is the game of “Keep Away”-you stay away, walk away, and refuse to play.
References
http://postcardstoanarcissist.wordpress.com/games-narcissist-play/
http://well sphere.com/mental-health-article/concealed-narcissist-play-gotcha/957000
http://www.darksouls-the book.com/ping_pong. Html
hi~would you be able to recommend any other helpful literature on this topic? Your article was very helpful!
thank you
Look at youtube — I like Delusion Dispeller and Sam Vaknin (he has more than one channel). I LOVE to read Halcyon.com (or .net — I forget which!)
Brilliant! and so helpful. You really know their games. I need to keep reading this so i don’t keep going back and looking for a different result each time. Why do i think they will listen to reason? Why do i continually believe that they will see how good i have been to them and deserve an apology for the strange and mean behavior they exert? Logic seems to not enter into their sphere. Competition and revenge seem to be fueling their actions especially when someone doesn’t behave exactly like they want them to or God forbid disagrees with them. So f**king confusing! The one problem with walking away is now I become the ‘bad person’ that they say I am. I am not there for them, I am selfish. Others believe the lies and now there is something to back those lies up. Can I ever win???
You win when you walk away!
Susan,
You are not abandoning them. There is no current therapy for this particular disorder. The best they can do is find a career path that fits their disease. Are you familiar with the details of Triage? They are the unsavable black tags. We have to take the focus off of them to save YOU. YOU are savable. We are putting our energy into YOU, the green and red tags.
Yep. I’ve dealt with my fair share and luckily have no kids with them…my husband isn’t so lucky. This perfectly describes his ex wife and she uses their son as a tool to try to maintain control over my husband. He doesn’t play her game, but we are constantly having to think of ways to outwit her. She also fits the Golden Uterus description to a tee! These people only have children has weapons. Her mother raises her son when he’s over there and then she badgers my husband into still doing “family things” just the three of them for the “betterment of their son.” These people are sick puppies. Now she wants to have a baby with her new husband to 1) get more control of his money (she left my husband for this older, rich man) and 2) she’s jealous my husband and I had a baby. She’s a sicko.
My partner plays a game where he compliments my research skills and asks me to find out something that’s pretty important that we both want or need to accomplish. Research is a tasks he hates. As soon as I give him the information, he starts an argument or puts me down. And says, “oh just forget the whole thing!” I feel like it’s a game of “gotcha!”
I walked away in August following a 12 year relationship with my abuser. This wasn’t even an intimate relationship but if feels like a divorce. Since I left, I have found that so many people know my abuser for who they really are. My head was so filled that I didn’t realize that the curtains were open and everyone knew. It is part of the game – the abuser makes you believe you are the bad one. I have a lot of work to do on myself as a result of the relationship. I have a lot of questions that might take awhile to answer. I still win!!!! I don’t owe anyone anything either. I made myself – I worked damn hard – I gave up a lot to be there – I gave up a lot to leave (or so I thought). I have gained so much already, 6 months later. Read or Listen to Brene Brown “The Power of Vulnerability”. That has helped so much in my healing.
I know a narcissist and I am amazed at how long it takes some to realise that he isn’t what he seemed. Others pick up on the phoniness straight away.
My husband and a neighbor play these games. I am caught in the web of these two. I stand to lose everything. The neighbor told them I am so jealous that I stole, threatened her, vandalized. Most of the neighbors know this. A non lier can’t even say they’re innocent, me. He has the upper hand as well as her. The manager believes them. I have worked so hard only to welcome these bastards in my life.
Wow, Susan, I just read the article and the writer could have been hiding in my house for the past 25 years. For years I just had no clue what the problem was. He kept blaming me for everything and I somehow knew it wasn’t my fault but I couldn’t find what his motives could possibly be. My husband has never been physically abusive and he even guards his words. He knows in my first short marriage I was physically abused and would cut him down really fast if that happened. I guess I don’t know if I am staying or not yet. For so long I just kept asking, what is the deal? I looked up psychopath, sociopath, various disorders but when I finally got to NPD it was the whole story of my marriage. This is helpful because I had tried everything else and nothing had worked. I had always just assumed that if I was loving and kind and thoughtful he would one day realize what a jerk he is. Wow, was I wrong. He will never see himself as wrong even after all of the lying, cheating, manipulations etc. I now know that he sees no reason to change so I can stop beating my head against that wall. My plan now, since I have been a stay at home housewife and mother for 25 years is to formulate a departure plan. I will have to find work that will just let me prove myself because the job market has dramatically changed since I had a “paying job.” At least now I will know better how to work around him to achieve my goals. This has also made me realize that I have already invested too much time and energy into a lost cause and all the hurt he has cause me has me feeling that my life would be a lot better without him. Thank for the renewed hope and possibly new life.
Wow, your story is just like mine. I have 6 children with him that I can not see. I home schooled and was their only care giver. Of course now I’m unfit! People believe his lie ‘s. It’s terrible my children feel they have no mother! I’m alive and well and only want to mother my children. Just more control tactics, he does not care the damage he is causing he’s own children.
Mary, I am currently in the same exact place you were, right now. Can you offer any advice? I have two young children, 13 and 11, and my departure plan starts with getting a job, if I could only get one after 15 years being a stay at home mom, and with no confidence or self worth. Did I just say that? I can’t believe as an intelligent woman I have succumbed to this point of view. Any advice or thoughts would be so appreciated. I feel so alone in all of this and am always in a state of confusion as to what to do.
This is exactly the same experience I’ve been having with wife. My belief system has kept me in this nightmare. Walking on land mines, pins and needles al the time while someone is lobbing grenades is not enjoyable.
I keep fooling myself that one day she will just wake up and we would have a harmonious relationship. I know better. Think definition of insanity. This article is right on. I got to far into the relationship when I realized I was snared and cut off from any kind of healthy support. People think she’s the nicest person around. When I would seek help and assistance she would turn things around some kind of way.
The silent treatments, constant gaslighting, and then the love bombing cycle keeps one of kilter all the time. I’m just hopeless. Right when I work up the nerve to leave after a narcissistic Abi’s I’ve period, she lives bombs me, and get stuck others to come to her aid to keep me from leaving her. It’s amazing.
Being caught in a narcissistic web is a nightmare.
Where was this material 30 years ago?
I’m in exactly the same boat as yourself. Drew in like a kipper. Was warned from the beginning to stay well clear as 3 previous men got the same treatment but alas the love bombing worked. The mental torment is unreal.lately reading up on all this and she has everyone of the above .
You just have to be strong and say to yourself, “F**K ’em! It DOESN’T matter what the others think! They have NO IDEA! People these days suck anyway… You just have to rely on yourself because nobody else is going to help you… They couldn’t care less. They just care about THEMSELVES. It’s just the way it is…
I’m going through this with my brother who has NPD. (He hasn’t been diagnosed, but I definitely think he has it) He has most of the traits. Certainly in this article!… Doesn’t apologize for his nasty behavior and couldn’t care less about you. He acts histrionic when he types. He types in “ALL CAPS”. I’ve tried constructive criticism and he ALWAYS turns it around back at me and says I’m “relapsing” or I’m in a “funk”. Or when I was trying to be constructively criticizing about how he was, he says I’m “attacking” him and “calling him names”. Writes in “ALL CAPS”. It’s almost a joke. He gets all dramatic. It definitely looks histrionic. He’ll NEVER apologize for ANYTHING he does and he NEVER thinks he did anything wrong. This article describes my brother to a “T”. No matter how hard you try to explain to him, he just never listens to any of it, ignores my emails, anyway. Overreacts like I’m “screaming” at him when I’m not. I just texted him back, “You’re on your own. Bye.” It just isn’t even WORTH IT to even try to make myself understood anymore, because he’ll never admit to it, or honestly CARE, anyway. It’s ALL about him. No one else. I’m staying FAR away from him as much as I can. Other people or relatives are not going to understand, but it just doesn’t matter. My parents are both gone now (this last summer) They dismissed my feelings and couldn’t do anything anyway. And it just didn’t matter to them because I’m learning disabled anyway, and I just wasn’t very validated by them as a human being at times. It just didn’t matter to them. To them what he did to me was unimportant. They have no idea or even understand what is happening or what they do. Don’t bother trying to convince them, because they won’t get it anyway. You just have to be strong and move on. Don’t go back to him.
Minda, you took the words right out of my mouth. This is PRECISELY how I feel about it. This November will be 3 years NC with my N family and my acid reflux is gone as a result. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, but life gets better by the day.
I’m going through the exact same thing, only this time the only reason I came back is because I found out I’m pregnant with twins.
I went through the exact same thing you did! It was heartbreaking for me because I didn’t want to let go. I have been separated from them for over a year now and they still seem to be up to their schemes through their proxy, someone I still have to put up with who lit the fire that created the big blow-up that was the last straw for me. I was able to heal myself, I was going through PTSD symptoms before the big blow-up and when I reached out to the lead instigator to make the person aware of the effect of his/her mind games and behavior, that person went and created lies about me that were relayed through the “flying monkeys” publicly as a smear campaign. Now I can roll my eyes most of the time but it took a lot of healing to be able to disconnect emotionally.
I walked away and yes, they like to make me and my family the “bad guys” *eyeroll*.
I hope anyone who sees this can have hope, it will get better. Your life will be so much better without these people that only cause harm, grief, and are bad for your health!
No you won’t ever win with him. I finally broke free from the father of my child after four years of feeling like I was the crazy one. I became suicidal. Now he is trying to charm his way back in and I started falling for it but I am on to him now. Reading articles like these only help keep my mind focused on what he really is and will never change.
Wow
U are in the same spot of bother than me
My fiance makes sure that I get her brunt if I walk away or ignore her like she does to me after a argument
She is at fault but I feel quilty She mess up but I ain’t allow a explanation
She do t say thanks for the small things I do Her reaction would be if u do t want to do it leave it She make me feel she do t apreciàte anything
She are and are talking to guys and ex guys but do t think it is a issue
I am near the end of the road with the girl I adore and live with my whole hart
it’s always about competition and revenge and insults or joking with insults. seem to be fueling their actions especially when i don’t behave exactly like they want me to. It’s exhausting and stressful and I hoped that my husband would back me up with his family after more than 10 years of being married to him. But think again, it always results to arguments and divorce threats. I always thought I was the only person going through mental, emotional, verbal and physical abuse but I’m not after reading so much I began to wonder it’s not about winning anymore. I am a strong woman I have to be for the sake of my two children. Susan you are not the bad person just like how I realized I am not. We just don’t have control on other people choices. But you should defend yourself not to argue and fight but nicely and smile and show them they didn’t get to you. They want to see you at your most vulnerable and don’t give them that.
Awesome advice..
Thank You
Just go completely Gray rock on them
Wow! You could be writing this about me! Good luck I hope you managed to escape
It’s a nightmare . I have a friend who is getting worse and worse Lives far away , threatens , texts non stop. I’ve always been there for him. With his non stop begging for help in every way. Then afterwards h gets into crazy rages. Never did anything for me. Just to be so ungrateful
Love this article . . . especially the “keep away” imagery! Thanks so much. 🙂
Me too. You keep away, STAY away. Don’t let him sucker you back in. It’s all a lie. He’ll just go back to treating you like you don’t matter.
Great article, thanks for posting this. I’ve wondered why information about these destructive behaviors isn’t made more public. It’s a major form of child abuse.
Especially EMOTIONAL abuse.
I’ve been subjected to #3, #4, and #5 by my family all my life. It’s comforting to know it’s real and not all in my head (the result of a lifetime of #3).
OMG Kim. You and me both. I’m 47 and just today realized that my parents, now my husband is this way. I’ve been used repeatedly by this type so much, I must have attracted it back in my life. I didn’t know anything else. Thank God the Dr. changed my meds. I was miserable for SO many years.
I felt like a bird in a cage that had the door open and couldn’t bring myself to leave. Like I was out of prison on parole and refused to leave the house. Fear crippled me this long.
I also felt ridiculous for letting my depression and anxiety cripple me all my life. I still feel like a kid. I’m 47.
I have to learn empathy now. I can’t know what my parents didn’t teach me. I’m going to work on myself and man, now there’s a name for the grey areas of abuse that I took. Subtle jabs taken over and over.
Thank you for commenting. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I DON’T FEEL ALONE ABOUT THIS. You don’t realize the weight that has been lifted. Time to kick ass and start healing. Baby steps.
My father was also a narcissistic pig. I was so trapped by his manipulating that I ended up marrying a woman of the same personality type. 8..-(
I was also, always felt lonely. Until he cheated and I let him have it. He was a workaholic so I blamed the non affection, appreciation and attention because he was tired. Yeah right, tired from messing around.
Walking away and no contact with a Narcissistic person . Loving and kind than can turn into a whole new person. I have to say they are not hard to read .The past horror of the people he has hurt . All his friends he hurts backstabbing them. I hope by the grace of God they are placed in his hands to feel loved and respect again. So not playing the game of what ever they try to pull you into. Lord willing they will understand . No one will cover for the bad behavior and They are only hurting them self’s in the darkness of there own mind. So moving on with your own life of dreams and kindness and wonderful things ahead. Forgiveness and break the bondage of there anger and depression and blame and shaming . Forgive them for it brings peace and joy. Life as a whole and loving person . Our children and loved ones deserve the very best of us. No games ever……………….
Well I have to say being married24 yrs to a narcissistic person and having 5 children with this sick person was a living hell. This man lied he was a poser. No one really knew him. Everyone knew him as a hard working good husband and father.Until one day I realized he was having an affair. His started eating foods that he would never eat. I ignored it. After him telling me that he always ate these things.So now. I’m krazzy lol. He leave my baby at a birthday party to spend the complete night with a man. That later on threatened my life as well as the children’s.My husband never except the responsibility in bringing this horrible person in our life. Yes the man was gay.He don’t want to talk about it at all. This husband of mine is a horrible person. The woman he is still pin a relationship with. Yet he will tell me how he want his wife back. By playing the game where he’s sympathetic to all he has done without saying what he’s sorry for. That woman was a old girlfriend that was introduced to me as a cousin. She had been coming to my home for 16yrs around my children.He play as if it’s a small thing that I should get over it. I have been broken by this sick behavior.The good news is I’m no longer broken. My children are happy just to see me happy again.They have been through the fire aswell. I MADE IT OUT!!!!! My situation gets worse but I’m tired. I JUST HOPE THAT SOMEONE WILL READ THIS AND KNOW THAT YOU CAN GET AWAY FROM THAT CYCLE OF DOOM. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE BROKEN ANYMORE…..PEACE AND BLESSINGS
How did you get out? Had you tried before? Did you know about his other interests very long before getting out? They will never admit to doing anything wrong or outside the marriage though will they?
Sometimes I feel like mine truly loves me enough deep down inside and he will stop doing evils. Maybe not admit but stop. This won’t be enough will it? For me to heal and live a happy life with my NAR.
Please email me if you can and care to. Please make note in Subject: to this being you from this site.
Thanks! I let her back in my life this last September. Amazing how much acting these people do. I am finding the incidence of MPD to be in association with these people. I have worked SO hard on myself to be a good person after having a Narc Mother of unspeakable abuse. I will heal the rest of my life. The LAST thing I need is to hook up with, hang out with, or get under the clever thumb of another one. I would rather be alone and live in the Wilderness.
I know, huh?! That’s how I feel!!! I’d rather be alone then a LOT of these people! Seems a lot of people these days just plain SUCK. Just all out for themselves. Nobody else. And they don’t care anyway. You just find pleasures doing things you like to do and F**K everybody else… If you find someone really decent these days, you are VERY LUCKY, because they just aren’t out there these days. They all lie to you…
I’m with you. I lost connection with my entire family and some friends as well to the outrageous lies and character assassination. It was such an incredible shock and I am so hurt that I don’t want to even try to contact any of them. I would rather just be alone and trust no one. The things my NPD sister did and said were so appalling that they just couldn’t imagine that she would be capable of that level of deception, and so they swallowed her lies and alternate storyline. But then it had been going on for years without me even having a clue. The thing is, they will always win because they will stoop to criminal behaviors that you or me or any normal person couldn’t possibly imagine, and they are so extremely cunning. And of course they believe that you are motivated just like them, so they will give you NO quarter. It took me 45 years of abuse and a death to figure it out, so how can I blame my family for believing the horrid insinuations and lies? They can’t imagine that anyone can be that evil either. Until of course they experience it for themselves someday. No, the only way to win with a clever narcissist is NOT TO PLAY. Just like like global thermonuclear war, the insane people will always win IF we play their game.
Run and never look back.
My mother is a Narcissist but I could manipulate her and push all her insecurity/paranoia/inferior buttons without raising my voice. But BEWARE!! How YOU behave (As the separate person you in fact ARE!) is your karma. NEVER ‘re-act… Get centred… And ‘ACT…’
Narcissism repellent 101 – EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN ENERGY, RIGHT? I LIKEN THIS TO A FLAME UPON A CANDLE FLAME. THE FLAME BURNS BRIGHTLY WHEN WE ARE HAPPY AND WELL, THUS WHEN WE ARE FEELING WEAK AND LOW? SO OUR FLAME BECOMES.
IF YOU’RE STILL READING, THEN THANKYOU VERY MUCH, I AM IN GOOD COMPANY 😉
A NARCISSIST IS DIFFERENT. A NARCISSIST IS A MOTH. ENVIOUS, JEALOUS ANGRY HE SEARCHES FOR LIGHT! INHERENTLY AWARE OF COURSE, THAT HE CAN NEVER POSSESS THE ORIGINAL THOUGHT AND POSITIVITY NEEDED TO CREATE IT!
THUS HIS ‘PURPOSE’ HIS INSANE NEED TO BECOME WHAT HE SECRETLY COVETS, HE FLUTTERS AROUND TIRELESSLY UNTILHE FINDS HIS FAVOURITE. IF YOUR READING THIS? THAT PREDATORY MOTH HAS FOUND ‘YOU’. IF YOU’RE INTERESTED IN GAINING THE KNOWLEDGE WITH WHICH TO REPEL THEIR ATTEMPTS TO MAKE YOU FEEL WORTHLESS JUST EMAIL ME! It’s therapy for me to help! Stay CENTRED/CENTERED!!!
Hello DecompartMENTAL
Yes, the moth has found me. He is/was my boss!
I worked for him for 13 years – so much for loyal employment – now he has an agenda! It must have been time to get rid of me so he berated and belittled me while shaking his finger at me until I could not take anymore. To avoid this horrible and unjustified situation I left the office (2 months ago). He then sent an email and terminated my employment the same day.
It has taken me all this time to begin to kind of feel normal again but
on Wednesday I have a telephone mediation conference to try and sort it out. I almost don’t want to re-live all the horrible memories and unless you have experienced this narcissistic treatment those that are attempting to sort it out will not fully understand the manipulation that is going on.
Knowing what the narcissist is like I feel defeated already. Because the narcissists treatment can be so sutble it’s hard to produce evidence.
They play to win and I can’t play that game.
I cannot imagine having a family member with NPD. At least I can walk away.
Hope you are doing okay.
Believe me, it SUCKS…. It’s even worse if you’re learning disabled like me and most people doubt you and your feelings, and then on top of that, you have an older BROTHER who treats you like you’re nothing and dislikes you, and you try to point that out to him, and he just throws it back at you and makes you out to be the “crazy one” and makes it out to be like you’re “mentally ill” or “relapsing”… Accuses you of name-calling and you “attacking” him. Both him and my mother played this game with me a LOT…. It’s way harder when you’re learning disabled and everyone knows, and they all believe your brother and your parents are the greatest things walking, and their friends all think YOU, not them are the problem… I’m almost 55 years old, and things aren’t much better…
And PLUS, they NEVER apologize if they hurt you. NEVER. So, you feel you are ALL alone. That was all of my young adult life. Now at almost 55, it’s not any different… The only thing is I just got older and wiser and you can’t talk to anybody, because it will only come right back at you and bite you… You can’t trust anyone these days, because they WILL stab you in the back if you tell them. You’re better off alone these days. It is sad and it sucks, but for people like me, it’s my only option….
Must be ‘Lucky #13’….Same thing happened to me. I volunteered as a bartender, waitress, DJ, karaoke host, etc. at a local ‘veteran’s hall’ (I’m also a member of the Auxiliary). Something happened one night, last year, at Karaoke. Maybe I did something wrong – I don’t know – But I’m not into seeing customers getting upset and walking out over something that could have been avoided. I’m not into seeing a place that I dedicated 13 years for lose customers (and see money walking out the door). When I got home that night, I was upset and I had written what happened on MY OWN Facebook page. Thing was – I never said where it was – never used anyone’s names or anything – but this ‘wonderful’ woman decided she was going to ‘share’ my post……Needless to say – I got suspended for a month….Nobody wanted to hear anything…..Three days later I was told I could come back to work the following Monday. Yay! Well that was short lived. Later on that evening when I was at my other job, two new people came in – I thought the one looked familiar – but couldn’t put my finger on him. Turns out they were sent down to – not only stalk – but put false allegations on me. They went back to the ‘Commander’ and told him a whole bunch of stuff. Funny…As I found out later, they were sent down to harass me and the guy I thought looked familiar – Turned out to be the ‘Commander’s’ daughter’s boyfriend. ‘Flying Monkeys’…Needless to say – I was fired…..and over what? They even went so far to say Quote “If you show up on the property – You’ll be arrested for trespassing” Un-Quote. Like you said So much for ‘loyal employment’. I wasn’t even able to explain what happened. Honestly – I think there was more going on behind the scenes and they thought I was either finding something out or I don’t know…….Hope EVERYBODY’S doing okay
hey love your post. yes they are moths and we are the light.
The moth gave birth to me and I married a npd man just like her. The abuse I suffered at the hands of my npd mother is so hard to describe. I was physically abused by N.Mother,and her men……and of course npd mom is always mentally abusive. I stood up to the moth and was tired of being her prey. I know what you mean….hard not to react to her when she spit in my childs face. I think being born to a narcissistic woman is like being born to a demon…..for three years I have tried to remain no contact but she is always messing with me!I moved hundreds of miles away and it killed her to not have my address but she used my ss number and not only found my address through the gas company she acted like me and tried to have my utilities shut off. this moth needs locked up……I am about to have the law step in- as a single mother fighting illnesses I just dont know what to do!
She has the family convinced I am everything I am not and its very crazy making!
” I know what you mean….hard not to react to her when she spit in my childs face. ”
Time for you to get a restraining order. The most important thing is quality documentation. If she is breaking the law by calling the gas company this is called identify theft I would charge her to the full extent of the law, fedural state or local, get her as nice criminal record. If she actually spat in your child’s face that is child abuse and perhaps assault.
I am going to this with my crazy thug Narc Father. I suspect most Narcs are not fully human, something is missing inside, thus they need to need like a vampire.
What are the best hot buttons to press. My friend of 6 years is a narc and I am exhausted. I need to defend myself from the craziness I feel. I am a male and the narc is female. Trouble is I am loyal to friends beyond belief
My god! I’ve been married to the evilness for 25 years. I always questioned my own sanity and motives I thought I was going crazy.. He is the master of throwing back the ball with a memory that is unbelievably accurate. he throws his daggers in it’s chronological order but will relay in a way that always favors him. He will take credit for my ideas or suggestions and make a call right and front of me and take the credit as if they were his ideas. Sick pathetic soul, the way I was able to survived his narcissism was to never take him seriously in one ear and out the other! Our fights were brutal, thank god he will be incarcerated for at least 2more years w/3 years supervised release. I fear the last day of supervision he will look for me, but I have secured my identity not even my adult children know for they would be manipulated by him.
Help, my husband is everything I have read thus far.
I have my husband and his own family! I’m surrounded by these people. Thankfully they are slowly dying off.
Thanks for the chuckle, Dianne. : )
I would absolutely love to hear more from your views about people like this. I’ve just walked out, actually drove across five states to get away from someone like this – an attorney! I knew these mind games were going on, I stood up to every single one of them…. and am not willing to waste anymore of my life in this kind of activity. But there are some people who do actually become ‘dangerous’ when you leave them, regardless of their not ever having harmed you physically. He is a very fancy civil litigation attorney in California… I’m now in Texas. Please write to me, please. I would love to converse with you. Thank you.
They can be dangerous when you try to get them out of your life. They have an uncanny ability to manipulate others into doing their bidding (they are most proud of their evil abilities too). I once caught my x under the hood of my car, no doubt doing something to disable it. I called the police. By the time he was done speaking to the cop, the cop believed my x was there to fix my car (nothing was wrong with my car) and I was just ungrateful…..he literally grinned at me as the officer let him leave. Countless times he stalked me and manipulated people who hold positions in government to abuse their authority to his advantage. So be careful, no contact is the ONLY option.
He turned one son into his image and my other son recently died under his roof…..when he was telling me what happened, he first told me of the things that made him angry (light left on, home 5 minutes late, etc)…so narcissistic rage may have contributed to my son’s death. I will never know because the police refused to give me the original complete report because my x falls under the “protected” class (these narcs befriend those who can be useful to them). Any cop who will be honest with you, can tell you what that means.
Right after he told me my son was dead, the very next sentence out of his mouth he bragged telling me he had a 21 year old. I shouldn’t have been shocked but wow, what planet is this guy on?! (Honestly, these people embrace their demons rather than resist them).
So understand what your dealing with and get free completely…protect your kids now before they end up like my kids. I have one dead son (the rejected son) and my other son (the golden child), he seems to have developed into a modern version of his father.
The golden child dis-owned me the very day after the funeral (I was still in shock, losing my son) because I was trying to find out what happened (how dare I question him or his father). Yes, he was angry that I, mom, wanted to know the full circumstances that resulted in my sons death. And he was angry I didn’t give his father the attention his father wanted at the funeral. A week later he texted me and said HE will forgive me.. but, he isn’t going to speak to me for awhile (punishment) what a mind game huh! yep, just like his dad.
It’s harder to break off from your child, especially when he is the only child left but deep down I know I must because we can’t help those who don’t see a problem.
I am terribly sorry for your loss. Understanding the devastation on so many levels can only be realized from the victims the N chooses to torture. Nothing and no one are ever good enough. However you have suffered the ultimate sacrifice with your son and yet another with the emotional loss of your other child. I can only imagine the searing agony that must be. Obviously you have a great faith or have healed yourself to go on. Your strength is inspiring
Wow. Sorry for your loss and treatment! Nobody deserves that!
Sandy i’ve just read your comment now, couldn’t help crying. Where are now? Are you any better ? I’m praying for you dear?
Please get in contact with me. Since you’ve been through it I believe you can help me .I need help getting away.
Hello Decompart MENTAL. I have been found as well. 14 years ago. My husband is 20 yrs older than me and I am just now in my early 30’s. Perhaps the fact that he is older than I has fueled my inability to see what he really is. Anyway, his abuse destroyed me and at one point (that lasted 4 yrs) I felt so low about myself I began using drugs and alcohol to cope with life. Only at the time I didn’t realize why/what I was doing. I was young and had lived all of my childhood with an abusive father and just didn’t see anything clearly. Now that I see it all clearly I look back and see that I spent all of my older children’s lives in a fog of hurt, pain, and ultimate self abuse. Well, I see everything very clearly now but I need to learn how to win this game and set this crazy f*@ker straight. I do not want to break my family up. We have a toddler to go with the 16 and 14 year olds that are screwed up from walking this crap road all of their lives. While I do not want to ditch my husband, I need to learn to control the situation as much as possible. Although I know his games I somehow allow him to hurt me and I still get emotional when he tries to make feel crazy and all of the other stuff. Thanks for offering help!
Yes, I would like some of your insights. Can you email me back asap?
Hi there! I’m Sue.
Loved your comments on narcs! Just recently realized I got ‘played’ by my husband of 27 years!!! I’m devastated but reading this stuff helps a lot!!! Who gives birth to these monsters? Question: now that I have been discarded and replaced by my x husband (in the middle of Divorce) how do I show him it doesn’t bother me when it’s really killing me? ….sad Sue
I’m just learning abt things including computers. It took me 20 yrs to understand things with my first husband the second was just as bad if not worse than the first. This is where narcissists came into the picture. Husband 1 husband 2 now I’ve met a man we text alot he’s overseas. Everyone in my family calls me crazy stupid and dumb that he’s a scammer. I don’t see signs of a scammer but we been WRITTING for over a year. Now I’m reading signs of narcissist. I wonder should I wait to completely see it or am I trying to compare to the others. All I want is peace less fighting preferably none to laugh and talk and joke be happy.I’ve gotten to the point of knowing I will ever have it
I married mine and it’s been a living hell.help me keep him gone for good this time..noone else sees it..it’s all behind closed doors.
I have. Even married to one for 31 years. I never knew why he does these things to me. I thought I was too naive or straight laced. Now I see that he’s been brainwahinyme for all these years. I’m going to get some therapy soon.
My partner has a lot of the traits of a narcissist. He had a stroke two years ago and my life is a living hell. He is nasty and mean. Silent treatment always.
I feel so trapped because there is no way he will leave and I can’t through him out because he has nowhere to go . No money. And anyway he refused to go. We have tried counselling but it’s a joke. He hasn’t changed his behaviour in fact it is getting worse. At my wit’s end.
I have just fallen victim to a narcissist – he spent two weeks playing with me and coming onto me only to back out at the last moment with no explanation and no responses to my questions at all. It is clear that he doesn’t care how awful he has made me feel. Having read this stuff I now recognise that so much of what he has been doing and his personality is classic of this type. His lack of empathy for others, over confidence and sexual manipulation amongst other things – all make sense now. I was so taken in too.
I have chosen not to play and will not play! Thank goodness I know a very wise lady that spotted his personality type and told me to research.
ya, thank you for the invitation. I am from a family of them.
oh too tired to talk about them now. but sure could use the fellowship of those who know
the way they are. I want to heal from these latest attacks and become a strong person that
i was meant to be. they take and take. wow. unbelievable.
I feel so much for all of you who have a narcissist in your life. I have a mom who is this way. She is so nasty and just doesn’t care about me or my family at all. I have tried to walk away but always seems we keep trying with them waiting for them to show they love us. But it never comes. It never will. One thing I do to my mom is when we talk I talk about myself I know it’s wrong but she never ever listened to me my entire life. I guess I do this at 57 to show her how she has been all my life and because I’m not interested in listening to anything about her. She always jabs me and puts me down. I always feel so bad after I call her. For you see I do all the calling always have. If I didn’t my mom would never call me. I wish I could walk away for good I know I can. But why don’t I. Why is it so important to have their approval as their children. I have so much despise for her. She is 78 and has no one. She is horrible. I sympathize with all of you! It hurts! We can never have closure because they are perfect. We are always wrong. Why aren’t we good enough. Everyone else is to them, so they say while we always end up feeling worthless.
Mary you are most definately good enough.You are deeply caring and loving..everyone else who reads this page can see and feel your sadness…but sometimes Narcs have been so hurt in their own childhood..they cannot love anyone..because they are so consumed by pain and their own pschosis. Its not that she doesnt love you its she cant love you…she has never been shown it at the age the brain develops empathy and knowing we are loved.If you read what you wrote back to yourself and change the name of the poster to say…Sonia ask yourself..do you see a loving, kind beautiful person called Mary, who doesnt deserve any of the treatment she has had to endure? Of course not.tRY AND PROTECT YOUR HEART MARY BY TELLING YOURSELF SHE CANT LOVE AND NOT BECAUSE SHE WONT..THERES NO CHOICE…it may help to take the pain away that you feel she is deliberately hurting you..Im certain someone as loving as you has many friends and associates who love and care for your heartxxx good luck mary
Sonia, Yours is the first post that has written anything close to sympythy for the N. I’m a 57 year old woman , who has just (it now seems), wasted 8 yrs. of my life. I still am very much in love with him, and I miss him terribly. The first opportunity he had to move out, he did. In addition to his NPD, I fear he has even more instabilities. I worry and care aabout him, but my care-taking of this man has made me physically ill, and has financially ruined me.No-one has addresses the spiritual aspects of this type of person . I am familiar with sociopaths, and I have to wonder if both N’s and the sociopth are lacking souls – Yes they are created by God, but have no conscience…are they demons?! It’s beginning to register that all that call be done is to pray for them, but have no contact with them. The NPD is is totally out of our hands , and we MUST let them go to save ourselves. If anyone else has similar thoughts or feelings, I hope they choose to share.
I know exactly what you mean. I’m learning disabled with PDDNOS (autism spectrum disorder). My mom I think had histrionic personality disorder or was possibly narcissistic. She ALWAYS had to win an argument and never apologized for something she did that wasn’t very nice. One time, she told other people I couldn’t cut a birthday cake (very stupid, I know.) But she did this in front of all her friends… She would say things and later deny she ever said them, and twist things around to suit her, and she always “won”… Now both parents are gone – died this past summer. But my brother definitely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He’s really put me down, even right in front of my parents (they did nothing to stop him). He treated me like garbage. He never liked me. Any bad behavior he did, he thinks it never happened or he’ll never apologize for making me feel bad. He would say if I really wanted his help, he would help me, but when I tried to ask him a question, he would get angry and refuse to help me. He would project everything and make it like I was the “crazy one”. NEVER him. Everything I’ve ever said, he perceived it to be ALL ABOUT HIM. Nothing else. I’ve tried “constructive criticism” and it’s NEVER worked. He just says I call him names and attack and jab him, and writes in ALL CAPS. He likes to make everything you try to tell him like it’s all your fault. So I’ve left him. I just said, “You’re on your own. Bye”. I know he really couldn’t care less that I left him because I doubt he ever liked me anyway – I was his “dumb little sister” with not much value to him… I was treated like I was second class… If my brother hurt my feelings, my parents didn’t care. They dismissed it… You can’t talk to anybody, because they all think he’s wonderful. But when I was cleaning out my mom’s smoking room – (she smoked like a fiend), I found some letters from secretaries that worked for my brother who quit, and they all said the same things I did!!! So I found out I was not alone… Parents provided a trust for me and him – separate ones thank god!!! – So I don’t need to go to my brother. I can take care of myself and screw him. I don’t have to hang around with this self-involved jerk anymore. 30 years ago, my brother was a totally different person. But when he became a lawyer, he changed and treated me very badly. Abandoned me emotionally. It broke my heart… But he’s never going to come around. I’ve finally seen he’s NEVER going to. So I couldn’t care less about him anymore. I know he certainly doesn’t care about me or anyone else for that matter!…. I doubt trying to tell him how he made me feel, I doubt he feels even the least bit upset… He just puts on a show with his histrionics when you try to confront him about his behavior, and he shuts down. I say F**K HIM! Time to make MY life feel better.
I loved, lived with and worked for the same narcissist for almost a decade. I recognize every game on this list very well, unfortunately. These games left my sanity on the breach, my sense of self worth shattered. I spent all my time trying to figure out what I could do to make things better, how I could be a better and more desirable person. I have spent years confused and blaming myself for the slightest wrongs while pouring my life into his business. Now after almost a year of being split from him I am homeless, jobless and carless trying to pick up what is left of my sense of self-worth and accomplishment. I do know these are all my problems in the end, I can not blame him for my mistakes. Still, I wish I had found the information on this website 10 years ago.
Jamie I went through the same exact thing exactly I have no car either it has been three years since we split I still have the car my life has been horrendous since we should talk.
dan42144@gmail
Jamie, all of us at this website have been where you are, I for sure was too, it can only get better, my Narc cut me off from society, no interaction, no job, no transport, no means, no funds, no home (I was told it would be very good for me to spend my useless life “under a bridge”, in a carton box) he did everything to achieve this,utter and total control…..now, I got a fulltime job, am amongst people again and enjoy life, I still see him, but he has already moved on to his next victim, he alienated all around me and tried to make everybody think I was crazy, I do believe in the not participating of the “game”, I always confirmed I do not need and play games with people….I wish I found all this information about Narcs years ago, as the current one is not my first, I just didn’t have any knowledge about it and was very naive….but we will survive and at least we know love and care and emotion, unlike a Narc who will never enjoy such feelings!!! bless
Yes very good comments from everyone, I can see my wife in and through them.
Unfortunately I appear to be trapped in this marriage to just some how regain my children’s love back that the Narcissist in my life has successfully destroyed as a part of her control over my life.
They truly are evil people and will tear you to shreds if you are unfortunate enough to get tangled up with one.
I feel my only option is to instead of having an affair with another loving women to help bring back some sanity into my life, is to actually divorce this woman and be done with her, and hope that one day perhaps my children will see through her lies and realize that their dad really isn’t a horrible nasty man that my wife has tirelessly tried to portray me as, and quite successfully.
Sigh
Don’t cheat, it will only complicate things. You’ll feel bad, and if your wife finds out, she’ll use it against you. Your kids will learn the truth about your wife sooner or later. Yes, my guy tore me to shreds, I’ve had it, and he knows it. He’s Dr. Jekyll now, but he’ll turn into Mr. Hyde eventually…..
This great but one variation of “keep away” is to find something you really want, hint that they are going to give it to you, and then snatch it away–pull the rug out–at the last minute–every time. Classic narcissist game. Or just refuse to give it to you from the get go.
YEP YEP YEP, upto the point where you are thrown out your home, dismissed during the first days of a holiday or even better; have the holiday annulled 2 days before flying!!!!! completely out of this world, completely irrational and accompanied with a lot of violence, provoking a reaction from you, to get you on your knees, hurting you beyond and embarrassing the hell of you in public, your comment is very recognizable!!! I live and lived it for over 4 years!!! am getting better to expect nothing and not take anything too serious, there is no depth in their words anyway, they are lies and their intentions are never ever executed, just empty…..
I agree this is classic pull the rug out. I have experienced the same. An ex invited me to visit him in Florida and said he has more money now and will help sending half rhe money for a plane ticket. I said I would enjoy a nice visit with hum. Never heard back and it has been 2 weeks. He loves to play games and I never could understand why but realized it is toxic and it is really a sign of resentment. I let go and I don’t ask why because I know he won’t communicate. He us a true narcissist and his behavior is just plain cruel. He never treated me this way and I was with him for 23 years. I never married him or had children with him but he would have but I knew he had something not right that made me nit trust him.
Once you Catch on to this game, it is so predictable. We are now 10 years divorced but I could predict a fight just before every family gathering or work function. That would be followed with a threat that she wasn’t going to go. Every time you looked forward to something, it was ammo to her to make sure she ruined it for me. She threatened to make a scene at my company Christmas party!
She signed our son up for a half marathon but provided no coaching, no hydration, no training. She ran it too and instead of praising him for completing it, she laughed at him for being beaten by his mother. Unreal! But, he is starting to see her for what she is and said that he knew she was going to say that. Good for you son… Let the healing begin.
So sorry you had to endure this, I just had to comment and say how familiar that your stories were. The fights before going somewhere, or being hours late so we couldn’t go. Promising to help our children with something and then not doing it or he would do it and tell them everything they did wrong. Ughhhh these people. Life is so much better now for all of us that get and stay away! 🙂
A great game is to ask what you want (birthdays, Christmas etc) then when you’ve taken the time to name something affordable and easy to find, the NPD gives you something entirely different that you neither want nor need, then criticise you for not being grateful enough!
This game can go on for years, with the NPD then also having the “proof” of how much money they have spent on you over this time but how unappreciative you are.
Even better is if the “gift” feels so wrong that you suspect they stole it in the first place – really conveys that loving feeling.
What I’m trying hard to do now is avoid all the narcissists I seem to have attracted over the years, and learn new behaviours which attract decent human beings.
OMG, yes! My husband has played this game for years. I have asked for things that cost little or NO money: time together, movie date, etc. and he’d rather buy some expensive gift I don’t need or want. If I dare to act disappointed or not appreciative “enough”, I am ridiculed and he plays the victim.
Ha ha, yes yes yes, I was given a “very expensive” printer that was the cheapest in the shop, with a video camera????? I did not know what to say cause it was such a shock to see these weird items bought by my Narc….I felt utterly ridiculed, which off course was the objective. I was “ungrateful” (he did admit, HE wanted the camera)….the tension when my birthday gets nearer or christmas is dreadful, he becomes deeply spiteful and hates to give me anything (I dont “deserve” anything as I am just a piece of s***) and I get punished weeks leading upto the festive days….horrible!!! It made me hate christmas and only this year, in his absence I had a wonderful birthday amongst great friends, it was bliss!
I have experienced the same. Was asked what I wanted for birthday. Said a dinner at a restaurant I chose and he said fine. After picking me up he said he won’t do it and picked a cheaper place. I offered to pay for my own and he said no. He took me anyway and said I was right to chose that place and offered appetizer and dessert after saying no and it was not affordable. I wanted to never see him again. He was so cruel on my birthday. It is a sickness of the mind and heart with no awareness or empathy or care.
OH!
This might merit being added to the big list. My mother cannot send my father to the store for milk because he will come back with something else and tell her that’s what she gets! My brother does that to his wife. They have both done it to, and for me. Me running errands and them saying that’s not what they want now, or them getting something different, and other variations on the theme.
We recently became the targets of our N neighbour from next door. Obviously we tried to counter this by speaking to the real estate agent and calling the cops for intimidation and deliberate noise threats. It all failed with her turning this around in her favour and we eventually thought it too much to deal with and have started to look for another place.. The question that keeps running through my mind is whether we could have turned this situation around? Is it possible to become their target and get her to stop abusing/terrorizing us on a daily basis? Would she get bored and target someone else altogether? Its an issue because at our last place of residence a similar sort of thing happened and we had to move. Now this is happening again I neee to find out how to avoid becoming targeted at our next place of residence? Thanks in advance for the replies.
Thanks a lot for the post.I am proceeding on divorce because of my husband’s evil behavior. Nothing is smooth with him, neither living with him nor the divorce. He almost ruined my life, playing almost all the games beautifully described in this post.I never knew his behavior is a ‘mental disability’ until I have search about it today.He is threatening me to contact him directly, but the good thing I did was , I have continuously refused to contact him and maintaining it for more than one year now. Still he keeps trying ,but at least now I know he is a N and I have to ‘keep away!’
so helpful i am shaking all over – it is such a relief to understand what has been happening to me – and I am a psychologist!
Please learn everything you can about narcissism…. types….subtypes EVERYTHING. And use your skills to help victims recognize these people …. help heal the victims and EDUCATE OTHER PSYCHOLOGISTS because too many mental health professionals dont know enough about these people and dont know when they are dealing with a victim or how to treat one when they do and they should know. Thank you
I was in a relationship with a someone who has all these traits for 2 years, I was miserable and was always told everything was my fault, we had a child together when she was 4 months old the relationship ended, he still sees his daughter but because I didn’t want my 8yo daughter spending time with him he created a Facebook page “kids are not weapons” he made up stories about me and claimed I had malicious mother syndrome. He took me to court to try to gain overnight visits with the baby and week on week off with my eldest whom I raised on my own for 7 years, he lied in court he insulted belittled and humiliated me my friends and family, I try to ignore him as best as possible but he is still playing mind games and still blames me for everything nothing seems to work, I find when he is bored is when he is at his worst!
My mother is a Narcissist. She is so controlling. She lies. She manipulates. She threatens to disinherit me all the time, she is 80 yrs of age and acts like a young child with temper and the most awful rage. I am actually afraid of her because her behaviour is so unpredictable and I never know what is going to set her off on one of her rages. She shouts and swears and calls me the most awful names. She has even threatened to hit me! Crazy! And she told my husband and my son that I was the crazy one! I am in my 50’s but I still feel like a child when she is around, as she treats me like a child. When I speak she says shhhh! As if what I have to say is of no importance. She has to be the centre of attention. Always. She is so spiteful and nasty. She had so many negative qualities. She has terrible manners, is so rude to people. I actually feel that she is a good role model as whatever she does I do the exact opposite. I am good and kind and honest. Yet she simply doesn’t see this as she projects all her negative traits onto me!
I see now that trying to point out her rudeness, her lying and her unacceptable behaviour is a total waste of time. She will never admit her faults, she will never apologise. She makes things up and twists my words. I am not going to play her games any longer. I will keep things superficial, and try not to be in her co any when no one else is there.
It is so good to hear about all the other people with a Narcissist in their life, I feel sorry for us all, but at least we are not alone! We can help and support each other.
After just over 2 years i have hopefully, finally ended this dreadful experience. I have never met somebody so twisted in all my life. It took me a while to figure out, infact it was after months of discarding and devaluing which made me start my research. My ex loved playing with my feelings, would never apologize for purposely hurting me, never took responsibility for her wrong actions and would never show appreciation for me and the good i did for her and her son. She would belittle me infront of her son, she would disrespect me infront of her family. I am just so pleased that i kept my cool throughout all the abuse. There came a time when she flaunted her new supply to me. This is the level she works at. She brought him to my attention, he called a few times when i was there, so obvious she was confiding in him about us. I could see she had a few faces, such a devil with me but such an angel with others. All men mind, never close with other women. I knew it was over, i told her a few home truths and we split. A month later we find out she is pregnant, i foolishly thought that this would change things for the better, i was so wrong. The abuse worsened. It got so bad that i recommended a termination. It was like Satan was carrying this child. I can remember when we was in the hospital, her Supply called her (yes the same one) she was so polite and respectful. If only i had the same treatment. It was so painful for me. She basically hated my guts and i couldn’t do a thing right. Even going so far as to tell me she would find a replacement father. We argued in the hospital and she asked me to leave, i soon learnt that her Supply visited her also. She was so evil. I now know that God saved me, it sounds horrible but she lost the baby at 8 weeks pregnant. No way was this allowed to happen. The abuse continued, so many things happened. I knew it was over but i was still there for her because she had suffered a miscarrige. Anyway one day she flips out and tells me not to contact her again or she will call the police. I couldn’t believe it. I called her 2 weeks later and she put the phone down on me and threatend me again. Telling me she’s moved on and how she thinks i should too. I was absolutely distraught and couldn’t help but feel that she had someone. This was something i have never experienced, the pain was too much, i lost weight and i found it so hard. I just couldn’t make sense of it. I googled SUDDENLY NO CONTACT which led me to Borderline Personality Disorder which led me to Narcassism. Now i started getting some answers. It was a battle and a half. The fact that i never had an explanation killed me. Who can be this evil ? We lost the baby in October, at Xmas there was no text from her, New Years Eve no text from her. What did i do ? After 4 months NC she calls me and attempted to apologize, i was grateful for the the signs of empathy but i wasn’t fully convinced. What was this really about ? Did one of her Supplies disappoint her ? Back to the pushover. It proved to be my biggest mistake by letting her back into my life. Weeks after making contact with me i found myself helping her and her family with a serious court case. I admit i was helping more for her mum than my ex. I never trusted her and i was in 2 minds. Does she really respect me this time or is she just using me. The court case was very difficult and i guess i wanted out. 6 months i was being supportive to my ex’s family even her son. May i just add that we never slept together, we could have but my interest was completely done. The trust was non existent. My ex told me about this guy that brought her son an iPhone, showed me some pictures that her Supply took of her (abit inappropriate) but that was the excuse i needed to call it a day. I wasn’t going to be used and played with again. I told her that if this guy cares enough to buy her son an iPhone, then he can help her family with the court case. I also contacted her Supply, i just wanted him to know that i was well aware of his friendship and how inappropriate some things were. I just had enough, i was just so angry that she would continue to hurt me and play games after all she did before. We sent each other messages, not very pleasant and then BINGO!!! I recieve a threatening message from one of her Supplies. Telling me to stop sending her messages or there will be a problem. That was my wake up call. She will never change and she is a very dangerous person. Did i mean anything to her ? Never. The fact that she would rather see me in serious conflict rather than take responsibility for her wrong doings, tells me that she is not somebody worth knowing. What a fool i am ? My instincts were right, this is why i wasn’t confortable helping her. So yes i was threatened by of her Supplies. She is an expert manipulator, she is good. A few weeks ago her son contacted me via Facebook, i was very suspicious of this but i replied. It was very brief but i wished him all the best and told him to stay out of trouble. A few days later his mum texts me threatening me to stay away from her family or she will report me. I didn’t reply. Her son contacted me again days later, i didn’t reply. I just pray that she and her Supplies stay away from me. I let the first threat go, but i won’t tolerate a 2nd one. I personally think her Supplies are very stupid, i can imagine them falling for her sob story. I know she has convinced them that i am pyschotic and harrassing her, she is a master at putting on a victim’s show. All the time she was the abuser. I know i have said alot, this is my experience. I am still heavily affected from this and a part of me is concerned that she’s not done trying to destroy me. Who knows if her Supplies are waiting patiently. She knows where i live and i hate that, i am looking to move when i have the fines. What an experience and i waste of 2 years. I was in love with à total idiot. Anyway…. To all victims of Narcassist Abuse, remember you are not alone. I wish each and every one of you all the best, on your road to recovery. Save your soul
Miles, all I have to do is cut and paste your every word!! I fully understand everything that you are saying? I Hope you get this message and that we could talk at some point. Been there done that??? (734)890-1680. call me any time? I am in U.S.A. Michigan!!!
Miles,
I know it’s been sometime since you’ve posted this but I felt compelled to reply. My husband of 8yrs just walked out of our 14yr relationship 2 weeks before xmas and we lost our only child earlier the same year. Needless to say I was shocked. While in hospital he was utterly there for me. We’ve had a pretty much solid relationship for our 14yrs. I knew he wasn’t perfect but who is. I always knew he was a bit immature and looked past it. When he left he turned full blame mode. Brought every single thing up from the past, apparently he was living in turmoil for the past few years. Mind you the night before he walks out he went by some friends and said he couldnt be happier.
Well xmas day I got a loving text from him. Very sweet….only it wasnt meant for me! turns out while I thought we were getting over the loss of our son. He started an affair with a new coworker.. Never admitted it. I was still to blame. Said he never wanted our son to me and others and then turns right around saying he never said that. Files for divorce a month later. After saying he would still be there for me, would rather settle without lawyers (yeh right, saw one straight away). He proceeded to stop paying the mortgage on the new house we bought months before expecting our son. Which, when asked in court if any children were born of the marriage he said a firm ‘No’. Then when I confronted him on it said he never said that.
I didnt sleep for months, dropped 10lbs within about 2 weeks then more after I was already about 127lbs before. Went to a doc and saw 109 on the scale and wasn’t shocked. I threw up breakfast to the point I ate later in the day. I almost lost my mind believing it was me that was wrong and cause him to leave despite being told by those around me no.
I did every possible thing to save my marriage. Begged for therapy (which he insisted I needed to deal with losing him) which he relented and ended up going to, turns out it was to just put in the divorce papers to show he ‘tried’ to deal with me. I even wrote the ‘new supply’ that he doesnt know what he was doing (cause I thought it was the devastation of losing our son which lead to this behaviour) but the ‘new supplies’ dont care, they already think you’re crazy. She’s said it already to people that I’m the crazy wife.
It a defeated feeling to know you’re fighting a losing battle. I fought so hard for my marriage cause I believe in it deeply. You accept the good and bad of the person and stand by them no matter what. But it was all for nothing. No one listened. I was virtually fighting that battle solo.
The man is pure evil incarnate. I am beyond messed up and just found out about this disorder and everything feels like my life being revealed. The mind games were his expertise. The gas lighting. He went full N and Showed his colors as he walked out. No remorse, no empathy. I could die a horrible death tonight and he wouldn’t flinch.
I now cannot trust anymore and don’t know when I will be that wall is WAY up. the destruction this man has caused. And he will never get help cause he has an abundance of enablers. His mother is who I believe to be the prime culprit. She would always see whats wrong with me and not him. EVEN after all he did, it was still some how ME that needed work.
I could go on about what I went thru these past 2yrs. But you get the jist. I just wanted to share my story. I know I’ve been thru hell and know I have a long uphill to go. I’m thankful i have the greater sense to have kept my sanity. It’s VERY easy to lose yourself in the darkness they’ve left. I still battle it. I hope you are okay and wish you and all who’ve went through this, it’s not YOU – Its them. They’re shells of people, masquerading as real people.
Wow so sorry that’s horrible. I can relate though to the intensity of the pain You most certainly had every right to feel given the circumstances. Don’t EVER apologize to anyone for YOUR feelings nor should a decent human being even place you IN that situation! Wish you all the best & God bless!
I am so sorry to hear how you have been treated miles and all the other people who have put up with these type of people. I have been unfortunate to get into a intimate relationship with a narcissist to. I work with him so have to see him every day. Everyone in work loves him he is the one everyone thinks is funny. But I know the real side of him and he is a complete phsycopath. I have had time off sick but had to go back. I found out from a work colleague he was talking about me about intimate details about are time together. I was so upset in work but he was off that day and one of his friends told him I was upset and he sent me the most vulgar text telling me it was nothing but sex and to get over it and that I was a fat t—t. I am a size 12 by the way. I didn’t speak to him for 6 months after that. Started speaking to him because I went Into training with him so had to. For the last couple of months he has been sitting with me at dinner I do try to avoid him but sometimes it’s unavoidable. He says things and tries to make me reminise about what we had, bear in mind I finished it whatever it was 2 years ago. I try to be civil and tell him don’t want to go over it. He then starts saying why have you got a cob on and disrespectful things to me. Someone said he was seeing someone so I said, I know you have a girlfriend so go and harrash her. And he said I haven’t seen her and you know more than anyone I don’t have girlfriends this was in front of colleagues by this time. These are just a couple of things he has done, just don’t know why I feel so worthless he makes me feel I am trying to keep strong but it’s so hard going to work and hearing him all day laughing and talking. He has stopped contacting me outside work which is the only good thing he has done for me. Just feel like I can’t move on, and would be really grateful for some feedback.
What a great article and VERY helpful! I’ll just keep the image of not catching a ball when being confronted with the narcissists games in my life. It will preserve my sanity!
I have finally realized both my mother and my husband are narcissistic. They both shun me if I don’t do what they want. I have been manuvered to get myself in horrible debt, picking up their responsibilities and by being lied to pick up their responsibilities both emotional and financial. Both lie and twist everything. You cannot make a narcissistic person responsible for anything. This includes their obvious manipulations using sickness, lack of money, and time to recriprocate anything you do or have ever done.
They CLEARLY feel it is YOUR obligation to deal with all of THEIR obligations. If you do not or even try to put some of this back on them, they will start a campaign of epic proportions with everyone you know. If you feel you must have a witness or record every conversation then you know you are being gaslighted, used, lied to and seen as an object to facilitate ease of life ALL in their favor.
Once they start sensing they can no longer use you, and abuse you (you get a clue and get a backbone and/or try to live some of your life for yourself or see issues with THEIR pocketbooks clamped shut for their OWn NEEDS) the total rewrites to save face, lie to everyone else or make all your near and dear take their side with lies.
In other words if they cant possess you and use you in a one sided “relationship” they will destroy you. They leave you with nothing. When you senses this is what they will do or are doing have your affairs in order and be prepared to relocate if you want any type of life free of this type of abuse.
After indebiting you or taking your money to “themselves” by guilt tripping “threats” they will brag about what they have, hold it over your head and crush you. Run from them, be prepared to leave all you hold dear. They will not rest till you are destroyed if you tell them NO.
Lord, 33 years here and learning of the demons that have been haunting me all my life. My family, my workplace. Doesnt help that I grew up trying to please them, so I happen to fall victim to narcs over and over. Am praying to God to help me develop a backbone…, if not, I want to leave this earth and hopefully go to heaven. Tired of dealing with human beings. And my sister, my only sister…, cant believe I have allowed her to cruelly use me in this all my life… Dont even want to think about it. I would rather watch a nice movie. Too painful to even imagine it.
My NPD huband would ask me how I was feeling, I’m troubled a fair bit with arthritis. He sounded concerned and he’d say he felt sorry for me. If I said I was not feeling so good, later he would provoke a row then say I’d started it because I was taking not feeling well out on him. I’ve learned he has no concern for me, the whole thing is a phoney game he plays.
He hasn’t been in the best health recently and I’ve noticed he is cut up because his mother who is classic NPD is totally disinterested in his health problems and has started to phone him more often about her own worries. He plays the good boy and can’t stand it when she ignores him. It’s all he reaaly wants, her attention and sadly, he’s not likely to get it. His dad was close to death, the hospital called the family in and his mother refused to stay by the bedside, so her son, my husband left his dad and now feels guikty about it. His mother went crazy because she was being ignored as she saw it because her dying husband was getting the attention. She’d already faked a heart attack when he had been first diagnised with cancer. If the nurses didn’t fuss around her when they came to attend to her husband, she complained loudly. I have had my eyes opened to the world of NPD behaviour. I’ve been left to get myself to hospital when I’ve been ill, lost count of forgotten birthdays and anniversaries. As the non NPD living with an NPD spouse heavily influenced by an NPD parent I have learned a lot. Neither of them know how to show love, they can’t cope with others needs and they have the only meaningful relationship in their lives between them, dysfunctional as itbis. It’s a battle for attention they both fight out, each desperate for the other to notice. Both often angry because neither of them know how to give.
Or they just don’t want to… They don’t want to give then or show them any love because it makes them “look vulnerable”. No!…They don’t want to do THAT!….. They think it’s taking something away from themselves!…. They think it’s a trap!…
YES!!! Not playing is THE ONLY answer. Just change your perception of them from mean and scary and in control, to childish and out of control.
Yes,you are all right in your comments npd,learning not to play their game is so hard,they will lie , cheat,make you the victim.i have lived with one for 37 years he never does wrong,but he secretly,does things or saids things to make it look like me,now I tell him you are the one to be worried, I do not play his games,but he runs to his so called lady friend on the phone or I pad and presses things when I come in the room. I have even spoken to her to stop! But,it is him who won’t stop and he is sixty -six,mind you only god can help him,and I just pray for strength and a strong mind.
Great Post! It is nice to put names to these sick games. I recognized them all….. npd.rs they can always dish it but they can NEVER take anything back! I agree walking away and NO Contact is only way!
Hi .i have been a victim for the last year, my now ex girlfriend has run me down to the ground ,and all iv wanted to do was make us work and try help her get better. nothing helps. when ever we have a fight about the smallest of things , she can sort out a fight ,she cant be confronted, i have to sit and listen to her and then when its my turn to talk and ask why she did what she did she ignores me and goes into sulk mode. which is very frustrating. i poor my heart out to her ,to be faced with a stone cold person who doesn’t care. and then she stands up and says i am leaving. and she would gather everything and take off for days not worrying about whether im out with another women or were on earth i am, and then after i beg and plead for her to come back and i apologize for what she did wrong then she comes back. i really love her and and she has wrecked me and broken me down so much. she cant say sorry either, in the last year she has said sorry maybe 4 times. its my first time dealing with people like this ,i really feel sorry for her and wish i could help her.
I’m sorry you’re going through that Dev. I know men have a hard time when it’s the wife/girlfriend who is abusive. You deserve better. DON’T PITY HER! That’s what keeps you stuck. I used to pity my guy, but no more! They choose to be the way they are. I am saving up money to leave, and when I DO leave, I’m NEVER coming back. NEVER.
Wow your words hit me hard ! I would
Pity my ex narcissist and this too is one of the reason i stayed . Thank god I am
All done now.
Why do you feel sorry for her she is a cold hearted bitch who is playing you like a fiddle. You do not love her you are addicted to the pain she dishes out on you.
My husband constantly keeps me in fear of losing him. He says that I’m incapable of being the wife he needs because of my childhood. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist as he suggested to help our marriage.He refuses to go with me. If I get upset about something, he packs his belongings and goes to his parents where his mother allows him to believe that I cause our problems. He tells me that he doesn’t love me but then says he’d never or didn’t say it as well as “not calling me names” or playing any of these games listed above. Today he said that he’s not happy and I treat him horribly then this changed to how I treat our family horribly.(meanwhile he’s been at his parents for 3 days now) Our children don’t want to be around him anymore and he still projects all these issues onto me. He doesn’t “do” any of this and easily says that I did it. I’m so tired , sad and drained. I want the man who I married but after reading this, I see that man never existed.
Yes you so rigth. Narcissist says something. Next day they deny they said it !! Aaah my life is too precious to waste it on such a pitiful person . Oh it is so worrisome . Caring for oneself means leaving this unhealthy abusive relationship and living the life we want
Here’s a game my ex still plays regularly. It’s called “Just a misunderstanding.” Anytime she’s trying to screw someone over and they call her out, anytime she’s lying, stealing, breaking the law, or otherwise doing whatever she want’s to get whatever she wants with utter disregard for any and everyone else, and gets caught, she says, “It’s just a misunderstanding.” Then she acts like she’s being picked on or is otherwise a victim in this mess of her own creation.
Another I call “Things are really crazy right now.” Whenever someone asks her to reciprocate, babysitting, feeding the cat, helping out with whatever, she replies, “Things are really crazy right now. I’m so busy. I have a lot going on.”
My little sister and my Father are both narcissists. My brother, middle sis, and I (eldest sis) did not develop narcissism. Right now, my baby sis is trying as hard as she can to get POA of my Father who now has cellulitis and dementia and now I cannot truly call him a narcissist because his dementia has taken over what used to be him. What is truly horrible is narcissist sis is trying to keep everyone away from Dad. He has been in the hospital for four days. She told the hospital that the rest of us are crazy and tried to put us on a “ban list.” She is doing everything in her power to put Dad in a nursing home. We do not want that. I love my crazy narcissistic Dad even though it is hard as nails to love him. I almost wish my youngest sister was dead because she is so hateful and cold, yet she claims to be a good Christian and so loving. She is anything but that. She sent my other sister’s son a $1.97 keychain wrapper with no keychain for his graduation and is always doing stuff like that to try to hurt. She is in the infantile stage and never went past that, but she is so great an actress. She almost fooled me, but I can see right through her ways. Disgusting. Totally and completely disgusting!
I have to watch my language or I’ll be removed, but all this is true, narc games are mind boggling, you can get them back I find that by mirroring them and I just started trashing my narc with insults,because his narc way is subtle and silent treatment and wordplay. Really narcs are afraid of being irrelevant, or this narc plays sex games to hide from his wife his cheating,and even tries to perpetrate he trying to entice into a threesome by what? Having a sexual mind game never mentioning it? And by god believe his own b.s. I have awesome narc games to play with their minds.. They really are weak, watch them react to being injured.. Get in there heads the way they get to yours then piece by piece start ripping them apart, freeing your mind from there ability to withhold and project filtering all there guilt and shame upon and in the target.. Ie : you.. It’s actually the most empowering thing in life and so much better than they will ever dream in there grandiose lives where people getting hurt adds to there riches or sexual fantasies or non sexual fantasies. I’m writing about this subject matter to expose narc revenge.. It’s now a superpower I want to share with women children and men, who are now going to be superior too! Ha! Game on narcs showdown ! Great article
You Rock! Game on Narcissists! We been beaten down by your game playing manipulative ways for far too long. I turn every thing around and back on him. I talk while he is blaming me and I just keep going. Then, I find a weak spot in his ego and say I’m really concerned what people will think about it. 15 minutes and the game was over. Mind you, there will be others, but playing instead of being beaten down or walking away feels good sometimes. He will never see what he is, but I know and I need to care for myself.
Did just that. My ex was the same. He and his dirty fantasies and his constant cheating. I played his own games got into his mind and walked away leaving him feeling a loser !! It works !
I was in an online romantic relationship with some guy….it was everything described in this article… I was always the blame and everything wrong with him he projected on to me. He boasted from the beginning about his close family and relationship to his son..the friends he had with important status in life and so much more……Every time I asked him a question that was personal he avoided it and just started talking about other stuff ! Always avoided answering my questions…mostly if it was something he did or is doing I had questioned about him…he would swing into another topic and avoid ! He was distance himself if I had to bring up relationship stuff I felt was not fair etc…he would distance from me for months only email to remind me how I hurt him with lies about him and how I was mean to him etc…I would then feel bad and beg forgiveness for weeks and weeks in his silence..then he would come back and act as if we were all romantic again …it was weird ! I could go on and on about stuff here…but we were about to meet in July 2014..I was to go to where he lived first. But on April 20 th 2014 he abruptly broke up with me over some religious thing. I walked away from my Chrsitjan beleifs
Con’t ..I got cut off writing….anyway after the break up I was depressed and hurt, crying all the time, blaming myself..I decided I felt sorry for him and thought something was wrong with him and wanted to relate to him better…I thought maybe something bad happened to him in his childhood and if I understood I could be there for him and be nicer to him…( I know ..dumb huh ?)
Anyway I talked to others who knew him…his son, his ex ( mother of his son) , sisters of his etc…even his mom…
Everything he ever told me about himself was ALL made up lies and exaggerations ! The way he describes his looks….6 pack abs, looking 35 when he is almost 55 etc… was a lie..he looks close to his age ( the pic I have of him are older pics and he was younger then) He did not have a 6 pack and looked older ! I found out he was a loner and lived in some house with NO furniture and would sell anything if it was not nailed down to the floor ! That he son and him had a very damaged relationship and his son ( 20 yr) was embarrassed by his dad’s behavior and sad that he hurt me ! He and his son do not have close relationship at all ! He was a jerk to his ex and all hi ex’s using them for money and then dropping them. One women was wealthy and had nice homes and cars and could pay for him to go on trips etc…He enjoyed it all until he business slowed down and he dumped her when she asked him to pay for some stuff !… He used me for my attention , praise and gifts etc…never did anything for me ever ! He also cheated on me taking women out to dinner and lying to me that he never gets tempted and is a man of integrity ! Where did he get money to do that … borrowing off his ex, or his elderly mom and not paying it back, selling everything not nailed down etc… he lied about everything about himself..and his sister are sick of him. Also he lied that when his uncle who he said he was close to died that he went to the funeral etc….days….but he never eve went I found out ! He avoided this funeral but lied to me that he went and is was nice seeing relative there etc…when my family members died he never really seemed to care much …his sorry was very cold and unfeeling. There is more…but I just realized he is narcissistic .. I had no clue what that was until now ! I am going to see a Councillor to get help as he really messed up my life and self…I hate him, yet I feel sorry for him cause he can NEVER chance or get better…yet I hate him….see I am messed up with my feeling on this matter….BUT I never want him back ever ! I am glad he never wrote me or contacts me..it hurts but it is for the best if he does not…I just feel dumb cause I wrote him to say I am the one sorry…..if only I can talk it back… I am writing him a letter by real mail and making something up that I cheated on him ( even though I didn’t) and a picture and stuff to show how better off I am than him…and telling him I am so happy for my new life and thinking him for leaving me !….then moving on…ignoring him…
Are you sure this is a narcissistic problem? Honestly, from where I’m sitting, these mental games sound more like a IQ problem. These “men” that play those kind of games haven’t developed beyond the age of 9 or 10 years old.
Reality is most, no all, but most narcissists have a highly above average IQ. They are not limited in development but designed a coping mechanism from a very young age, maybe 4-6 years old.
Its not a game for us, it is a way of life. A way of getting our supply that we need to feel accepted, successful and needed or wanted.
Not so simple as “These “men” that play those kind of games haven’t developed beyond the age of 9 or 10 years old.”
I am a diagnosed narcissist in recovery and that view is typical of someone that dies not understand or has not lived with a narcissist.
– Joe
Joe – thank you for reminding everyone that narcissism is a defense mechanism against early abuse – most likely narcissistic parenting – learned very young – mainly between the ages of 4 and 6 as you say. Thank you for writing and I wish all the best for you!
Dear Joe, I am shocked, but very impressed to see a comment from a diagnosed narcissist. As you possibly painfully well know, there is no “cure” for your disiorder. I understand it is only with intensive counceling that your will be able to change your behaviour.
There are so many things I would like to ask you, and I’m sure many other people would be interested in your responces. IF your are really sincere. These are tough questions. Ready?
What caused you to seek help? EXACTLY what type of therapy is helping you?
Do you feel you have a true conscience, or do you feel you will always have to “fake” all feelings of consern, or empathy for others?
Is it true that a narcissist is incapable of giving or accepting love?, If so, why do YOU feel this to be true?
Where you unhappy?
Did you realize something was wrong with you, and why did you choose to try and combat your disorder? Was it situational, or a lifetime without any type of emotional connection to anyone? Were you ever lonely?
I would love to talk to you all day, I feel you are a very rare individual and I would also be interested in the progress you have made since writing this original post. I hope you have been able to make progress with this horrific disorder.
Thats a part of the disorder.
OMG!!!! As I read this article, I was totally intrigued and curious to see where I could say hmmm…my husband of 25 years exibited some of the behaviors, NO everyone one of them! I started to look for my husbands picture nearby as one of studied subjects.
RC,
Hi i dont even know where to begin over here whether to comment or a question.
But as read all of everyones topic here i just had tears of sadness and my ex-wife is the most dangerous out of all what you’ve said here because not only i was charged by domestic violence given her all including my toothbrush and hadn’t showed me my kids for almost 3 years. I spoke to her once to ask for the kids through face time and she had mentioned and blamed me why I got a lawyer?!?!?!??!?!?
That threw me off when i held my lawyer to just wait and let me talk to my ex-wife and explain to her if we go through these lawyers and what they’re purpose of helping us (yeah right) but just taking all our money.
She likes to blame me for all the things she’s done and especially forgetting where all this ruckus she had not even mention on her own to admit what she cheated on and tells me a reason why she did it because i have no time for her and our daughter……!?!???!?!?
On top of this her parents were involved as i get screeched at like tires of blades cursing me and degrading me……. She had called and talked to my boss and i asked my boss what they talked about he doesn’t remember and my ex-wife of course never could admit. Her ways of an answer when confronted be like screaming while talking to her when my introduction were “please were just talking and please please please do not over react and scream for help” of course 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, times it happened i even got a threat from her father that he can kill me without him touching me. this was mentioned to me by her father the same situation were I questioned her about her stink being smelled by me. of course i was harassed again….. Mind you im a big tough looking guy but this Terminator had been punishing me ever since and to the point where i already got nothing and my famlawyer i feel was siding with her. and that i dont know why…… I need to get out of this world and if only i can disapper i want it immediately….. Any suggestions help or advice……i can sue her for mental anguish by making me lose my job talking to my boss and my friends talking foul about me that my friends sided with her as well…… to her co workers im described to them very bad. This person needs to be taught a lesson and im a grown as man 30 and back with my parents with some of my personal properties that i never get to see which was fine but my kids i want to even see through facebook i cant even because she had blocked me
What happen s when your daughter is surrounded my three of this narcissists and you you o. The outside looking kt? My family took child away from me. I have tired to hard and long just to see her. I cannot deal with getting hurt anymore. Is there any groups to talk to about this issue? None of them are diagnosed h
Wuth illiness. From reading this letter I feel they and not sure how to handle them. I cannot just walk away because of my daughter that I care about but cannot see. Guess there no showing them my point of view because they cannot.
Dear Jodelle,
Sounds like your daughter was kidnapped. That is a criminal charge and could warrent action by the police. Narcissists do not respect the rules of the law and act as though they do not exist.
Was she taken against her will? Was she promised rewards that could be classified as bribery?
If you are serious about your daughters welfare and cost is no problem……
hire a private investigator to see what is going on.
Call a missing childrens hotline and ask for advice…….these are all actions that will make you feel better. Worry is a waste…..replace that with action.
I’ve recently found out that a person I really like has some narcissistic traits (she’s really really smart – that’s why it took me so long, I guess hahah) and I’m still astonished about how their mind work. One thing is to hear about that and see those behaviours in the movies, another thing is when you realize it’s really happening to you! The saddest thing: lots of people are victims, as I could notice from the comments. :/
Thanks for the article, it did help me a lot. It’s kinda sad to realize there’s no way to talk to them – the best way to deal with them is just not to throw the ball back!!! I’ll try some of these tactics and I hope they work! 😀
My boyfriend and I got involved with a narcissist business partner and things got totally out of hand . Now I have a good job. I told him what I thought of him by email and he has fired me with a 4 page letter filled with lies , as they don’t allow any criticism . Bringing his abuse out into the sunlight and involving a lawyer has been our salvation. We are going to sue him to get monies due us , and then successful or not , we will have NO CONTACT . It’s the only way not to get sucked into their games .
I agree with #1. But, they will stick to you like glue, if they are in crisis mode. They will figure out what impresses the victim, and claim to have learned their lesson, and they are trying to change, etc… But, the minute the crisis is over- well, that’s a different story.
OMG. Can someone please tell me it gets better….
I have been on the merry go round for two years. And quite frankly I’m nauseous.
Every 3-6 weeks it’s another breakup with him returning every 1-3 weeks after!
WTH is this?
Shut the door once for all. But you got to be ready for this though. You got to be ready for the after affects of s break up . It will
Come with sometime long period of grieving but think it this way it will
Be temporary. This emotional roller coaster ride with a narcissist is far worse than a break up. So gather your courage , take a deep breath and BLOW HIM AWAY!!!
Wow. This is totally amazing and goes to prove that one never knows enough when dealing with NPD`s. At 82, my father is still acting like the narrsistic parasite I always knew. To bad, information like this was not in circulation 40 years ago. 25 years ago, I pleaded for my mom to move away from the guy.
She did not. Now she is an emotionial basket case, she cannot walk, has lost her drivers license and is under constant control/surveilance by this monster.
I know first hand that there is only one solution to escape total destruction from a narcissit. You must leave ASAP and burn every bridge left standing behind you. \
The WORST MISTAKE I have ever made in my life was to allow this slimmy snake back into my life…..giving him another chance.
The result has been a living hell for the last 7 years,financial ruin, loss of friends and employment.
Run Run Run from NPD`s and never look back!!!!!!
Indeed, they are vampires, actually worse then vampires.
I walk on eggshells. My life is miserable and everything I say is wrong. The screaming is the worst… I’m a 36 year old child in my husband’s eyes and he will make sure I know it. If he sees his screaming isn’t phasing me, because I am, at times, able to phase him out, he will get in my face and scream louder (worse than a drill sergeant). I’ve been forcefully cornered so many times (but never hands on). Most recent episode was this past Sunday morning. I asked him about my shower sponge, if he used it, and he blew up so bad because he said I was “blaming him”, that I was hyperventilating for hours in my bed with my door locked. He tried getting in, but settled for continuing to yell at me through the door and then outside the window as he went to his car (he’s already busted 2 holes in the door, so I really figured it was going to be knocked slap off this time). He was saying I accused him of using my sponge. I just asked if he had used it and anyone who’s a victim of a narcissist’s rage, knows I didn’t ask him with any type of blame or negative tone in my voice… that’s a BIG NO. But, he’s a metal worker and my sponge was dirty, so yeah, I really knew he had. I screwed up though, because I knew I shouldn’t have asked that question at all, tone or no tone. I knew what it would cause, so it’s my fault. That’s right. That’s what I have come to accept. He also LOVES to scream at me in public or outside our home for an audience. I beg him not to, which makes him want to do it more. All the above happens about twice a week and lasts 2 to 3 days each time, so do the math. The rest of the time, get this, he treats me like a queen. Tells me he loves me all the time, I get nightly massages, if I need something from the other room, he will jump up and get it, he will go out of his way for me. Yet, I hate my life. And the answer to everyone’s question is… I don’t know how to leave. I have no family here, except my husband and kids… so I stay and deal with it.
An accurate depiction of narcissistic behaviour, though I struggle to understand the necessity of the gender bias.
They are TRULY psychopaths! Whenever you make the responsible for ANYTHING, you will be broken to your core. That’s their whole MO. They are envious of people who have a sense of self because they have none. They are leaches in EVERY sense of the word. You cannot help these people. You will lose yourself trying to help a person whose situation is working out perfectly for them. How do you know a narcissist is telling the truth? When they are enraged when they are REALLY telling you how they feel. All your unanswered questions? How you begged and pleaded for certain things? They’ll tell you how they feel about you when they’re enraged. Just ended a relationship with a narcissist. Run not walk!
Oh my you took the words out of my mouth ! I struggled with my ex narcissist who had the same behavior You mentioned ! You right run not walk for they will catch up behind you if you walk and lure you back into their yet another web of lies and deceit
Even after all these years, and reading all about NPD, and being fooled by my father again and again, I was just fooled, yet again.
I am sorry that you were fooled yet again . Forgive yourself and move on . You have loving qualities so of course are fooled. Your brain can not process this kind of thinking and behaviour. I truly feel your pain and frustration. Please remember that you are the clear thinker and feeler….do not accept the narcissist s words and actions. They are not about you…it is all about them
Been there am there
Friend C.
.
I’ve been married to my husband for 11 years, together for 16, and over the last few months I’ve come to realize he’s narcissistic. Not that the behaviors are new, I just never knew there was a name for it. His behavior can be maddening. Mean jabs at me (asking me if I had an Rx for bed rest during a miscarriage, mean comments about my appearance, etc), and when I say that it was hurtful, I’m told it was just a joke, lighten up, you’re crazy. He tells me I’m delusional, to shut the eff up. NEVER being able to go out of his way to buy a gift for my birthday/Mother’s Day/anniversary. Though he had time to stop at the store and buy for himself. This past Mother’s Day, a week before he shared with me that he wanted to send me to get my hair and nails done. Wow was I surprised and excited, as it was something I never do. He tells me he’s been calling around looking for a nice place to go. I tell him not to spend too much. Day before Mother’s Day I got the silent treatment all day. Mother’s Day, no gift. My 8 year old asked him where my gift was, he responds, she’s getting her hair cut. End of story.
He sleeps all day (he works 5pm-130am). When he does get up, he hides downstairs for hours, and gets defensive of his time when I point it out. We have 3 kids, and I homeschool the oldest 2, so that they can see their dad during the week. He makes a point of avoiding us. A few weeks ago we were supposed to attend a fund raising walk for a cause related to our middle son. He agreed, but the night before I got the silent treatment, and the day of he slept until it was too late for us to go. And then I was the bad guy for being upset about it. It was my fault because I didn’t get him up. Every time he sleeps instead of doing what he’s supposed to, it’s my fault.
He’s never happy unless we’re doing what he wants, even when it involves the kids. Everything has to be on his terms. My birthday was on a Sunday last year. He chose to sleep all day instead of getting up. No matter what’s going on, we have to schedule it around what he wants. We’ll need to leave at 10, he makes sure he’s not available until 1030. Every single time! These are just a few examples.
He’s also a functioning alcoholic that I’ve caught lying many times, which just makes things worse. I’m starting to learn how to handle him. I no longer sit around waiting, we just do what we need to do.
Thanks to this article, I will stop bringing up past occurrences. I am starting to plan a divorce, but it will take awhile for me to feel financially ready. But I refuse to live with this the rest of my life, and my kids deserve better. I need to see a counselor as all of this has caused major anxiety for me, I just need to find the time. And not tell him, because when I saw my doctor for anxiety in the past, he found out and loves to bring it up and tell me that I’m crazy. He’s lost the right to know anything personal about me.
I waited too long to get a divorce, and I can see how my husband’s actions have hurt my kids. I am full of regret. the part you wrote about sleeping is exactly like him. he gets himself up for his things(of course) but for anything to do with the family he would sleep and then say why didn’t you get me up( like a 3 year old.) It is time for me to grow up and do what I should have done years ago, get a divorce once and for all.
I’m a police officer of Chicago. I deal with personalities all day, but my girl Shurecca has many personalities. It started off as some guy she dated that didn’t have the resources to help her financially. I was able to get her and others things that he wasn’t able to. It’s been almost three years and her attitude shifts back and forth when my money isn’t right. Everything is my fault and she is always bitching. Sexually, I can do what I want since I practically paid for that ass. I want her to treat me how she treated her ex fiance. She sounded like she was a sweet person to him. Instead, I’m getting the whore side of her. What can I do?
Simple , when you do something that doesn’t bring you joy even if it is a good behavior you doing ! Find the nearest exit door !!!
i hate to say this. i too was victimized by one of these hideous monsters. i didn’t stick around very long, but it sure made me take a good look at MYSELF, as to why i attracted him in the first place, and why i put up with as much as i did. PEOPLE, please. the narc is bad yes, but what the hell is wrong with US? i mean, really folks, why have we put up with them at all? you would think the first couple of times their creepy weirdness comes out, we’d be out the door, but no. since the narc, i have taken a deep long look, at ME, and i have found some problems that i am working on. if we all educate others, including children, relatives, friends, about these types of people and their tactics, and we work on ourselves so we don’t fall for this type of person ever again — the narcs will run out of victims after a while. if we can’t make it a narc free world, let’s make it a victim free world!!! I VOW NEVER TO HAVE ANOTHER NARC IN MY LIFE. EVER AGAIN!! i hope and visualize great escapes for all on here, and turning your backs on your tormentors, leaving them to rant by themselves, and hopefully, not being able to find easy, fast narc supply. maybe then, they will finally take a look at their SICK selves! Courage to all here, and love to all here, strength to all here.
Wow wow bravo dear. You said it so well. You are so right. It is said we allow others to hurt us. And you said it right if we care for ourselves and ESP listen to our instincts the narcissists will not be able to trap any victims ! So true ! Point so well noted and addressed .
We had/have one of these too.My hubby’s step daughter from a previous marriage.Her mum died while married to my hubby 25 yrs ago.We met n got married 3 yrs later.He raised her from 3.Spoiled her rotten.1st thing her n her sis did was to steal my things n parade it in front of me when we would go visit them.Served me salad in MY bowl with MY spoon.I never let on in 22 yrs.God told me NOT to say one word,the holy spirit just wouldn’t let me,even tho I wanted to get a samari sword after them.Well, the one died in 2010,the older one of 2 yrs and this lovely darling went back to Kansas and put the make on her dead sis’s hubby.Now mind you my hubby owns 3 houses.They were each getting one,and I was getting mine.So this way this one got it all back in Kansas.Well she went behind our backs and rented both houses out and got rid of all our stuff out of my house back there.We did not know it.My hubby has been ill the past few yrs so we couldn’t go back home.After he died I found out when I called the power company to shut the electric off that there was “tenants” in our houses and found out our stuff was all gone.I was furious to say the least.Well this idiot has since ‘married’ the dead sis’s hubby and now both are coming here to my house since my hubby died last yr and tearing up our property here at my house.I called the cops so much it got to the point they said not to call any more because of ‘police abuse’ cause these idiots were gone by the time they got our here.2 nights ago they banged on my shed 4 times and dented it.They tore the lights off my fith wheel trailer.And on n on.I finaly called the attorney yesterday n told him I needed my deed and that I’d sold my house here.So am sure she’ll be happy to hear that news.She’s been stalking me now for almost a yr.Now it is around the clock from sundown,8 to midnight,3 am,5am,9am,and 1pm,and the at 5″30pm,then back to sundown.I had to get a Rottweiler a few months ago.They are scared of him too.My only hope is that they’ll get caught and put in jail for a long long time.And I did everything they said not to do to a narc.I am a narc’s worst nightmare.I unmasked her for all to see,plus she has a demon.So?My god is bigger than her demon.He knows how to deal with her too.Cause I been ignoring her and going on with my life and they have been furious and raging for months.She’s mad and I’m glad.Cause I know,she’s miserable.All these yrs of plotting n planning have come to not.She is stuck paying his bills about $7,000.00 after this month in back taxes she didn’t pay last yr on those 2 houses in Kansas,and $1500,to the attorney SHE picked.And $1200. to Apria who never sent a bill till 4 mo. after he died as his aarp paid for everything from plan F.So,ya.Carma is a bitch folks!She came to get it all and is leaving with nothing but rage.And they don’t dare kill me,cause everybody KNOWS what their doing.Run,run,run away from these people.Little sweet charming liers that are cold calculated plotting killers in a masked suit of lets bs the world.She NEVER counted on me tho exposing her.Too late now…………………
What a great article, it describes my mother to a tee! She has played those games so many times and I would fall into the “sad me” persona she has.
Well 2 and 1/2 years she played her last set of games with me and I took the ball and went home.
Her words to me were: “the ball is your court.” Well lady I took the ball and don’t have anything to do with her anymore. The last 2 and 1/2 years have been the most peaceful of my life!
So hard to do this to a parent but I just reached the breaking point and at first it was hard but I know I am better off without her in my life.
Decompart MENTAL I’m 18 and live wid my family I’m the youngest out my 2 older brothers and they feed off my energy everyday feels like their taking my soul and goals .and I see they both have a diff narc game. And their illusions is polluting my mind spirit and my life importantly .and I try to leave the hous and come back later they just keep trying to feed off e making me want to die an and my life what do I suppose to do at Di’s point ?
This website and your articles are affirming to me having been thru a devastating domestic violent marriage breakdown over the last 3 years (married for 21 years with 7 children). The first year I was in complete shock and did not understand what happened to me and I clung on for dear life, the threats and violence and the orchestrated plans increased after separation, I had to take the 3 youngest out of school for our safety and sanity, then my ex-narc dragged me thru’ the courts and carried out all his threats except only one remains “and if I don’t have the children, no one is having them” (sends chills down my spine since the day he stood in our former marital home telling me I will never see the children again, the kids are coming with me, you will not be able to afford them, I will make damn sure that Centrelink will not even pay you, I will destroy you, you will never work again!
Well guess what I survived being cut off and broken financially and left with the marital debt = I will find a way to finalise that when I get back on my feet. I endured him retaining my business phone number and luckily the Universe found another way for clients to reach me via email so I could tell them my temporary number, I now have my number back and whilst I have not been able to promote my business due to my tragic situation and barely hanging on for life and being forced to fight for my kids, I have been able to hold on to my excellent reputation and keep my finger in my professional life should I desire to return.
I’m at a crossroads or a 5 WAYS now it seems, I have 3 young children 8, 10 & 12 with me, only the 2 youngest see their father, our teenager was groomed to hate me and blame me and remains with his father 100% and whilst I’ve been accused of maligning our now 12yo she refuses to be with the father and courts ruled for her to choose and stay with me 100%. The 3 adult children sided with my husband, sadly I have had to let them go, they have never heard my side of the story, nor do they want to and as time goes by I am starting to take the advice of many counsellors and let them go, very difficult but I have to take care of the youngest of my 7 who need me to be their mother.
MY QUESTION:
How does one do NO CONTACT when there are court orders that let the domestic violent and narcissistic behaviour continue, no one polices these orders and you cannot do a breech of orders as it’s seen as petty. He breaks them all the time and has now ruined all the hard work and cutting his nose off to spite his face going back to court orders rather than a more amicable arrangement I accommodated for children’s sake.
What do others do when children are involved?
I’d love to be able to move on and start my life over, yet the court orders he sought (the only thing he won in court) force me to remain in our state and and our school and I cannot leave without his permission – oh he would be loving that, I need to appeal to the courts.
I jumped thru every single psych test, yet he never had to be assessed, he accused me of being bi-polar, violent and a whole lot of evil stuff and after the money ran out so did the lawyers so I never got to defend any of it and he now claims he knew the outcome of his actions even tho’ he lost the war he waged, I certainly didn’t win anything in the court system.
I’d really appreciate some feedback and how to get away from him for good and help our children so we can start life over.
Hi Alex,
I can honestly say that I have experience this many times over – I am now separated. We have gone through the cycle a few times (I didn’t know) he was a narc until this year – together for 6 / married for 4. Multiple affairs at once, always my fault. I finally had it and forced him to move out. Well 3 months fast forward, he is trying to move back into my live, being super nice and sending articles about relationships. I have been very weary about him. So last article I responded with a – “what’s up with these articles?”. Obviously no, response…. however, I want to know how I can end this game without further hurting myself and my child. Every time I reject him or the idea of us – he goes crazy and starts doing things (last week, he took the car he gave me, leaving me without transportation)
I am married to one and he has a friend very loyal to him as if he were a God. She has said I stole her stuff, I vandalized her car, I threatened her. All of these things. My husband believes her. They work together to make sure it is true. He is a thief, a lier. He will do anything for her. She is across the street from us. I am frozen from this. I don’t know where to turn. My family cant do anything. I have no money. My friends have left. She believes her own lies and has made it known to everyone around her. I cannot reason with my husband about anything. She has torn me down since I have been with him. Even becoming me. This is her neighborhood. Playing a great part. People want to believe these lies. Like my husband says they don’t know me. I don’t know how to be. Am I one? He has a secret phone which he tells her where I am in the house, what I said. I need help to get away. This is my house and I don’t want to lose it.
I have tried unsuccessfully to cut my narc father out of my childrens and my lives multiple times, but he always seems to gain access through some small hole left open. Sometimes he will call out of the blue and sweet talks me into having a conversation with him. I admit, I am the one to blame by even thinking he could change, I know he can’t but still there’s a part of me that just wants to be daddys little girl again (before the teenage years we were very close but as soon as I hit puberty, the mental torment began) Now I have teenage children that he’s claiming are in his will and I know Narcissists use money as leverage but I want them to be able to go to college etc. So, for that fact, I haven’t completely shut him out even though i know I should esp for my childrens sake. I often wonder if I will ever be able to stop this viscous cycle, but even in death he will have the final say it seems.
In the past five years I’ve been unfortunate enough to experience all the games and more thanks to my wife. Along with frivolous litigation losing employment and vehicles leaving me in debt, unemployed, heart broken, homeless, and barely able to function. My every thought is about her and memories what was real and what wasn’t. I love her more than anything and even with all the pain and suffering she is still causing I want to help her because I know that she wouldn’t want to be who she is today. But in trying to do that she has divorced me and made me out to look like the crazy one. And now every day is a struggle just to do the simplest of things, I love her but somehow I have to figure out how to let go so I can live again and function. It’s been four months and I haven’t been able to recover in the slightest. I am in treatment and know what needs to be done I just haven’t been able to do it. Loving someone with NPD is HELL I just hope I can find my way out of it and be able to find joy in things again. Unfortunately it’s nice to know that there are people out there who can relate to what it’s like I don’t feel so alone anymore.
When involved in a relationship with a narcissist , it is always one partner who truly loves . The other fakes it just to get what he or she wants . So people like you and me who were involved with a narcissist loved truly from our hearts that is why we hurt deep. Allow yourself to Grieve the breakup take time out from everything find a comfortable place in your house, remember rhe moments with her , cry if you need to . Once done pat yourself , get up take a nice shower , go for walk , Listen to music , prepare a meal and you can many more to co time the rest of day. Watch everyday it will get better and easier to deal with it and you will start feeling like you can breath again. You will find your joy trust me you will !!
Perry – it takes about a year to really feel like you’re healing. In the meantime keep reading and join a support group if you can find one. The more you read about and hear other peoples’ experiences – and the more you learn about narcissism – the more you will see that it wasn’t your fault and that helps so much towards healing.
I’ve come late to this “party”, two years since this article was posted, but reading through the games themselves and everyone’s comments made me feel that I should write something too.
Although my (now mercifully) ex-husband will never be officially diagnosed (he always refused to “see” someone, even as a couple), I recognised so many of the behaviours listed here, it was like a door opening onto a fresh breeze for me.
My lightbulb moment in this article was reading #3. Once I started to wake up to the destructive behaviour, I used to think of his convenient recollections or forgetfullness as being “gaslighted”. When I verbalised this to him (before I realised that reason did not work), yes, he called me crazy AND we both watched the film “Gaslight” together, I deliberately got a copy of the film to see his reaction.
For me, I think the worst part of dealing or being in a relationship with people like this is the long term repercussions, emotionally as well as financial. 5 years later and I’m still up to my neck in debt that he (surprise surprise) refuses to take even 50% responsibility for.
The sheer unadulterated cruelty of it, still shocks me. I can relate well to the comments above of literally being backed into a corner and screamed at inches from my face, many times during our relationship. Of receiving crazy expensive gifts (usually paid for on my credit card) which I neither wanted or needed and for which I was “ungrateful”. The silent treatment, for which I think the record was 5 days until I finally “broke” and apologised over some slight and which was administered to teach me, his wife, an adult woman then in her 30’s, some lesson or other.
He would withhold sex & refuse to seek professional help regarding our childlessness & then blamed me for not falling pregnant & countered that I should have gone to a fertility specialist without him! I still wonder how I was expected to have a child without his involvement. I am now almost 50 and never had children. I still blame myself for this. For “allowing” it to happen.
Emotionally, I am much better, more outgoing, more willing and able to spot this kind of behaviour in others in order to avoid it. But there’s still a lot of regret and guilt here. Thank you for this website. You do good work.
The hardest part is waking up. You have to understand that you are part of a cruel game. Even when diagnosed with terminal Cancer. My mother still Played DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS. I was the Only one to show any conceren for her. I was the only one to vist her in Hospital. I got played The Cat and Mouse Game. With out the internet I would not have a clue. Just to say to every one who puts themselves out to try and help those out there in cyberspace. THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH for your time.
Listen, we have to all stop thinking these people think the same as us.
These people are only thinking about them selves.
Something we don’t understand.
It takes time to heal but here is a fantastic place to be.
Turn your back and move on.
Don’t look back.
Hey, that’s a good one – turn your back and don’t look back.
Don’t know why it took so long to realize …. he is a narcissist. The rages, temper tantrums, craziness, control and all else I read fits like…. it’s really, really true!
Not feeling guilty nor sorry anymore….. even tho’ he is so pathetic. Karma please pay him a visit.
Ha ha ha ha I loved your last statement . I truly laughed out loud ha ha ha. Karma please pay him a visit !!! Ha ha ha laughing away !! a piece of advice when we walk away , there is a reason for our action ! to get away from the horrific abuse , for a peaceful life right ? And to do so we need to let go totally , which includes reminding yourself you did the right thing and focusing on what is good for you and removing him from your system. So waiting for karma to Knock on his / her door will only keep you still connected to the past bad relationship . Wishing him well saying a prayer for them they find inner peace with themselves will make your shoulder feel much lighter dear !
Yup! I hope it does for my brother also, but you know what? I doubt they’ll even CARE… or even know they are getting payback… So unfortunately, I doubt that will even work. They’ll STILL think it’s someone else’s fault…
The song “Dazed And Confused” was about a Narc women, have a close listen to the song people.
Thank you very much for this post. Its very helpful to recognize my own Narcissists Family. I have been trough everything with them what you describe here. I lost everything because of them…., i was emotionally and mentally confuse and scared to walk away. I finally find back to myself and still working on my confident,because they destroyed totally my soul. I dealed with 3 narcissist family member. I didn’t know before that something like narcissist and manipulation exist.
I married into a family they own a company have there company and equipment at their houses, which they own 4 houses all next to each other me and my wife my inlaws and my mother inlaws parents along with my parents in another. We all rent from her father. Everything was so great, never came ment nicer people and seemed to want to do anything to help. They wanted me and my wife to rent one house remolded the house finaced a truck wanted me to be a boss for the company asked my parents to move in so we could be close, 7 years and I thought life could get no better! Well once the trap was complete everything change I worked 7 days a week ad harder then anyone I dot make mistakes and learn from others mistakes but I try to fix everything pointing out problems that happen over and over, all the people that work there hate me her parents started to take none atop jabs at me when no body was around and tell my wife I’m the one that don’t like them I could not understand what happened and I was running around trying to fix whatever I have done. I looked like a fool not that I think back so stupid so blind and everyone seemed to love it and laugh my own friend turned on my now I seen an known something well a lot of things were very off but never known of npd it don’t seem real at all I don’t know what’s real or not real anymore I don’t know who I am I weight 250 an then a couples years later 115 I didn’t know what was happing des could not find anything my stomach was a mes pains in my sides throwing up acid could eat sleep my heart was bad really bad stress worry now I found out my wife has been cheating on me and her family has been helping her she is trying to have a baby but by another guy or guys and I don’t feel safe she gets angry when I want to check my sperm and they keep telling me my kidneys are gone to fail if I keep smoking just like they told me my sperm count would be low of I drank 5 hours I don’t eat with them I have no way out and my brakes on my truck and everything on my truck are being messed with and when I say something they smirk an grin trying to hide it but I don’t think they know I’ve done everything wrong up to this point and now I see that everyone is working together even 4 employees that also seen to have some npd it’s bad and they play these games none stop and my wife has my family friends thinking I’m crazy but when I say I’ll see a therapist she gets mad and says why! They will only tell you to leave me she don’t deny having npd but Denys everything else I wish I knew now 7 years ago I could have died and the looks on there face was pleasure seeing me sick then try got me a 100.000 life insure policy
I just wanted to say thank you for this info. These games they play made me feel like i was really going crazy. I have doubted myself, second guess myself and the last one which made me really start to look at the relationship was when I had a horrible gut wrenching feeling that she was cheating. I started to second guess that, but then I started researching these websites and thank God they are here for people to finally get some answers they wouldnt have ever gotten. And to know we arent crazy is such a blessing. I am still going to go to counsling, i dont ever want to go through this type of relationship again. I am a codependent and I know I need to work on that so that I don’t continue to choose the same type of people. Thanks again so much for this website.
Same here. Narcissists make us go crazy than point fingers at us that we the crazy ones. I too sensed something was not right. I noted narcissist suck at lies ! It is so easy to Catch them lying . I listened to my gut feeling he was cheating and yes I was right ! I had enough proof to take him down( narcissist are such if they have committed a crime and they are aware we have witnessed this crime ,yet on the stand they will defy our testimonies and behave in such a way that can fool anyone they are innocent ). swearing
Away , yelling on top of his voice , crying crocodile tears proving he not cheating even though I presented him with all the proofs !! Hell no ain’t gonna take this anymore ! Although the break up was painful yet I comfort myself by visualizing just one hour with him and I begin of panic and my head gets heavy so than I smile and tell
Myself ” honey you did the right thing . You have nothing to stress about anymore !” You are back in control .
I want to tell my Narc that he is a Narc, but they say that can be dangerous. But then I feel bad, that maybe if someone was honest with him, he may be able to get himself the help he has never gotten before. I know I have to leave the situation, but I wish I could do something to help him, as he is one of Gods children, and I do feel a sorrow (not sorry for him) that can’t be explained. I look at it this way, he has hurt my feelings, humiliated me in public for no reason (he actually made himself look like an ass). And has lied to me, but in all of this I can always leave, meet someone else, and have a healthy relationship, but I know that he will never experience love or be able to give it, so in the end, who is the one who loses the most. Him.
I feel your pain . This was one of the main reason I stayed with him for awhile . Narcissist are pitiful people !! No matter how Much they abuse , yet we know deep down , they are human beings who have absolute no self esteem ( they thrive on praises from others ) and their behavior Is a call for help !! But I had told
Myself ” you want to help him but drown along with him too !!” If they themselves don’t accept they have a problem they will continue their erratic behavior !!! It is like he was drowning calling out for help , I jumped in swam towards him and instructed him to do the needful so I could bring him ashore !! On contrary he kept piling me down with him and wouldn’t take my advice . So I decided to swim ashore by myself and when I heard him scream I threw him a life jacket ! It is all up to him to do the needful . So I walked away from a tormenting very unhealthy relationship to save my sanity ! We got to think about ourselves. We got to put ourselves first ! We got to love and respect ourselves first and leave him in gods help to guide him and give him wisdom !!
this is the best article I have ever read. my husband is a narcissit. he plays all these games. very helpful.
Yes, I’ve been there too.
I was played frrom the very beginning, but had no idea what was happening to me until it was too late. She did the sympathy thing, claiming she had a terrible childhood, all her exes were terrible people, and that she was not to blame for anything (of course). She did the mirroring thing, to get you to like her, and then love her and then the manipulation started. Devaluing me, upsetting me, lying to me, the full works. Then her way to split up from me was on her 50th birthday, text me half an hour before I was going over to her place, with a “she’s been thinking and she wants no more contact with me”. A text, no explanation, and the timing. Who does that? How cruel. All my friends have said she is a cruel person, and to run and run and run. How right they are.
Onto new briginnings and a new life and I will avoid her at all costs. It’s the only way.
Sorry for the pain . You Did the right thing . Run run RUN!
Before I walked away though, I decided to play his game his way, taught him a lesson ( did to him what he had done to me. I wanted him to feel the pain he gave me. say like I played his role to him. The only way I could end it is to take care of unfinished business and than shocked him with the same behavior he had shown towards me ! Oh was he shocked for as arrogant as he is , he repeatedly remarked ” you lol never be able to live without me!” Well broke off with him and shut him out of my life ! I bet I hurt his ego!!
I’d love to hear you speak about some of the mind games played online by narcissists. I found this information first and foremost because i thought i was being gang stalked. At least thats what the seriously demented narcissist wants me to think. It just seemed to be coming from everywhere and for the last year ive tried to learn everything i could on the subject and hopefully find some peace. As time went by i learned about npd and the damage they could reek over a long period of time. The games are vicious and why they’ve targeted me, I have no idea but this person is literally trying to suck the life out of me and nothing makes them feel more alive. It just sickens me. They’ve done horrible things to me and my family. What i found to be the most disturbing way they stalk me is they’ve hacked into my phone & accessed the microphone and camera besides the obvious spying through watching my Internet activities. All emails, everything. But the most sinister thing they do now is listening to me & my family throughout the day, everyday, year after year. Its like they need to believe that they have some noble purpose behind stalking me. They turn anything I do into a crime that needs to “be exposed” and look for a button to push that i wont like or listen to a place they know we’re going. Then they tweet it to me in an ambiguous way that only i will see and take note of. First they may even behave friendly on twitter. Then from nowhere, I’ll recieve what would seem like an innocuous tweet from the perspective of someone just watching, a tweet mentioning what i happened to be speaking about in my home that day. Or mentioning something I said that i want to change in myself but theyre always either bringing up a word or subject that Ill intimately understand but not know how in the world they know about this. It use to make me accuse everyone I knew because I didn’t know how they knew about my private life. Then I found out how people could hack your phone and access the microphone and hear every word i said and could even watch me through the camera in real time. For example just a couple days ago, i was at home discussing with my husband how he has to go to Texas for a business trip next week. Theres a fast food place called “In and Out” there that we love and it isn’t in the state where we live. We were at home this week nonchalantly talking about how he should go there when he gets some time off in Texas…etc….. and someone with 11 followers whose tweeting with me on something we supposedly agree on goes completely off the original subject and out of no where tweets me….. yeah, when you go to In and Out, have a hamburger and a shake. My favorite is vanilla. This information had NOTHING to do with what we were tweeting about. The only reason this sadistic narcissist does this is to let me and only me know that he’s watching me and he thinks he owns me. Since ive spoken out more about it my stalker has had to become more and more creatively secretive. I’m beginning to believe its a police officer because this has been happening for years and nothing makes this pathological piece of shit stop. Nothing. Their life depends on getting narc supply through me but its not my praise and compliments or love they want, no, this sadistic unhuman animal LOVES to terrify me and eats up my fear like candy. I’m actually almost a hundred percent sure its a cop or a cop or very right wing religious zealot is somehow involved. This happens more than people realize and its futile to explain to anyone, let alone law enforcement that its happening to you without you seeming crazy. If you have a stalker ex or narc anybody in your life: get an app to disengage your camera and microphone when not in use. My stalker still gets past the microphone part but at least he cant watch me and my children anymore.
Sweetheart it could be your husband or a friend whose doing this to you don’t you get it. Nobody keeps getting through your microphone you’re husband or someone else is playing games with you. They might be a narcissist or sociopath. They are the one hearing the information in person believe me your phone is golden. This is a head game being played by the person or people who are actually listening to the conversations in person. Think about it dont you think your husband would have done something about this by now if someone was stalking you for years?! Don’t you think new phones would have solved all of this by now? I have an idea don’t tell your husband or any of your family or friends that you have your phone completely turned off. Remove the battery but don’t let anyone know you’ve done this. Then talk about something very private and important in the same place you always do in the same fashion you always have with the same people. Keep using this method until you get a tweet never talk with the phone battery in the phone always remove it. if you get a tweet you know damn well it’s most likely the person your talking to who has done this. Otherwise your home is possibly bugged.
One imp point missed , narcissist are players. They have more than one partners . They are never satisfied with how ever many supplies they have . They constantly lie and make it all about them. I was involved with one. Playing their games or keeping silent or turn a deaf ear, I tried both . Somehow they have this so called narcissistic power to overpower their victims. I decided I deserve way better than to stay and suffer in his hands so I opted out and trust me I am in so much PEACE. Amen. Their belittling ,their constant accusing we the crazy ones is emotional abuse. Everyone has the right to choose what they want in their lives. Obviously we all want joy and peace and tranquility . So I asked myself why would you want to put yourself in a stressful situation that snatches away joy peace and tranquility ? I have control of my life , I make my decisions and I decided I d rather be alone , suffer the pain of a break up which is temporary than accept this narcissistic abuse and suffer FOREVER. Trust me I am in PEACE.
My husband is exactly like this..He treat me like a little child.He raised his voice when he get angry like what I did is damn stupid.When I say something ,in his mind I am always complaining.
No kiss,no hug,no empathy,very cold self centered and arrogant.He is a great pretender.We go out and eat with his parents.He does all the talking.He had a managerial position in his job.
I am just married for 3 years..I am looking forward of divorcing him.Sometimes I do not trust him anymore. Every time I have a letter about insurance,he would open it.
He kick me out from his house,now he stayed in the house I bought and I pay all the bills. He is selling his house and he said the money will go to his bank account only.He never gave me any single money
Lately he was texting to his ex-girlfriend,he deny it.
Now I am ignoring him.
Sounds like how my ex Fiancé/boss from work is. She was sexy and attractive. The manipulation came as soon as I placed that 2CT diamond ring on her hand. She turned out to be a total waste of time, money and energy. One thing I’ve learned from her….never let your guard down. Love means nothing with the person your with is not on the same playing field. After her many of insults and put me downs, I took my ring back from her. Was so ecstatic that she did the abortion. I was hurt at first, but it all made sense in the end. Why she was pulling away and not answering calls, she was cheating on me with this older man who happens to be a married police officer and one other person that she moved into her house. I was hurt and felt devastated, but things happen for a reason. People often change cause they were only in it for the experience. She will never be a happy person. She will always be a second and third rate chick no matter what.
I agree with all of this except for one thing. When both players run out of cards – instead of it being a draw – the narcissist wins. The narcissist always wins – just like young children who make up the rules as they go along.
I had a narcissist as a friend, or to put precisely I fell victim to a narcissist. Having been raised and groomed by a narcissist of the highest order, my father, my entire life, didn’t have any self-esteem, confidence or the ability to use the world ‘no’ and the friend was able to hook me and keep me guessing by continually passive aggressively hating me, rolling her eyes, playing mute and stuck up in conversations. My solution was naively to try to convince her that I’m a good person by being nicer and more giving to her. I’ve learned that from my dad, the eternal narcissistic judge of other peoples worth. I just couldn’t comprehend why she hated me, having learned to always blame myself and prove myself to other people, I couldn’t see her true colors. She was jealous of me, of every single little thing. It could be something small like a $3 lipgloss, she rolled her eyes to belittle me when I showed her and then went and bought it for herself two weeks later.
I saw the light when I was sitting at a table with friends and she was there too and unfortunately I ha previously had a misfortune in my career and told them about it. All of a sudden, I saw how that person, who never ever showed emotion towards my achievements other than put downs, snide remarks and the like, flash the most evil, devilish grin I’ve ever seen in another person. This was a supposed friend remember. And she acted like I just told her shed won the lottery. The feeling that ran down my back was like a wake up call. It was creepy, indescribable.
Now in my stupid days I’ve made the mistake of introducing her to my circle of friends because she didn’t have anyone, and foolishly I thought shed like me for it or at least mellows out when she gets out f the house. The fact that every one of her friends stopped talking to her, or she suddenly fell out with them after a maximum of a year should have been a red flag. Now I know why. Guess what happened now? Yep, right. She pitts my old friends against me, after all I have done for her, that evil zombie JUST WONT STOP. Why?!? Her negative energy has already left marks on my friends, who are too good to understand her evil, a few of them fell into depression etc. I just want to scream “it’s her negative energy”. I have distanced myself and now come across as the arrogant one. But the next chance I get I will expose her for the immoral asshole that she is. I will call her out and warn my friends. A pure evil vampire. No soul, no character just evil.
Really great article. It just lays it out there and helps put things in prespective.
I divorced my wealthy, first husband, and as a single mother, noticed my 4 kids were taking after their dad. Even though he was nolonger around me, he actually was able to maintain the abuse through my children. It’s called parental alienation.
Long story short, in my case I ended up completely disengaging from all of them. Today I have an entirely different life. I’ve been married for many years now and have 2 more children, both daughters that are in their late twenties now. I even have 2 precious grandchildren. And I just don’t look back at the miserable, twisted life I had with my past husband and children.
My ex husband is a surgeon and very intelligent. I married him when I was 16 and he was 26. It was a very uneven relationship. I had only a ninth grade education. Sad… He was mean to me.
Today, I just give the problem to God and do the best I can in my here and now.
Sometimes the best solution is to recognize the enormity of the issue and to realize that it’s not fixable, and if we can be brave enough to stand-up to the losses… If we can do that… We can survive.
I was in a highly abusive relationship with a narcissist. Verbally emotional mental n also physical. The mental and emotional was very painful n almost took my soul. In my case the article is how I experienced things.
However I’m the one towards the end when I had read enough n forced him to go to counseling after his affair (she said to leave immediately Even if I was pregnant with his child) mind u I still stayed another year after that making excuses for him, I understood what I was dealing with.
Of course he left through silent treatment being confronted but after he a few weeks he tried tearing down completely with very nasty degrading accusations.
So it’s possible the target can say those things. I did. I even pointed out his life pattern
That he was the common nominator in all the bad things that had happened in him life.
Sorry I missed saying I told him he needed help. I said it in the best possible way. N I pointed out how he had been in trouble with the law over n over n had a string of very unhealthy relationships not me.
Why are there so many of these people?!!! (Narcissists) I’ve read some articles on the web that few people have NPD. But why am I hearing there are so many of these people around?! Maybe they just aren’t diagnosed because they deny there’s a problem with them…??? Seems this world is FULL of them! Like one out of 3 people it feels like!…. I know my brother is definitely one of them, but in reading some of these posts, HOLY CRAP! These people are EVIL. My brother is just emotionally abusive and doesn’t have empathy and very self-involved and thinks he’s the best thing walking, but he’s not at the point where he does criminal things like I’ve read here… At least that’s lucky. I just hope he doesn’t try and do something to me criminally or really bad like take all my money or something like that, and then lie to other people and be able to get away with it. I wouldn’t put it past him… but wow, some of these people have worse narcissists in their families than me…. Though it hurts none-the-less. I was emotionally abused by him… And all his friends thought I was the nut job. Including his ex-wife who was probably another one. But she hated me when she found out I had learning disabilities… She was nasty. But no one cared how it made me feel because I just was not validated as a human being… Not by my family, not by their friends. So in some ways it’s been harder for me because I’ve felt trapped and felt like I was not a valid human being. It’s STILL a struggle. So I’ve found out it just doesn’t pay to talk to anyone that knows my brother, because it always comes back and I get pummeled emotionally by all of them… Or they dismiss it and think I’m just making it all up… It just doesn’t pay to talk to anybody. Just keep it to yourself and move on is all you can do. I’ve had therapy for several years. They can’t do anything. All they can do is help you “deal with it”…
This is definitely a very useful tool to use in preparing for a proper departure from this type of a relationship.
This was by far, the most accurate description of my life. I have watched many videos and read many books on this subject matter. The way you describe it makes it easy to carry around with me. I just pull it out of my back pocket and it reminds me of theevent “flavor of the minute”. Thank you. One question: Has anyone actually gotten away from the narcissist without the “grand finale”? Cuz one day it will be me.
I have been married to a narcissist for 10 months. We married quickly, only dating for 6 months prior to getting married. Everything was great until about 4 months ago. Well, actually there were signs, subtle signs, that something was wrong but, I made excuses. He would yell and I would be so confused as to why he was yelling that I would just start crying. His blow ups were only for about 1 minutes then he would go off by himself and say that he was overwhelmed and just could argue anymore. He would cry by himself. He would try to make everything “perfect” when his daughters were coming to visit and often become anxious and a bit short with me and raise his voice saying, “Please don’t mess this up! They are my daughters and I’m just trying to make everything perfect for them.” Then he would break down in tears. I had a family situation happen with my son that caused me great stress and He said once that the situation would effect our relationship and he was right. I became anxious and he would listen to me but he would then become very anxious and then his “self-soothing” coping skills would come out. Had to have a project to work on. From one thing to the next in the house. He never went anywhere as he is mostly a homebody unless we are together. Halloween, he acted irritated with everything, Thanksgiving he yelled at my when I came to ask him when he was going to come out of the bathroom, then when I went to our bedroom to cry, he came in after going to greet my family, and actually threatened to yell so that everyone could hear him! I was shocked and horrified. On Christmas he was anxious and insisted I open my gifts in front of my children from him. Then on New Years Eve, he saw me talking to a man half my age and flipped out. He called me a f&*^*h, BI**h, told me that he hated me, I had embarrassed him in front of his family and friends and that he wanted a divorce!! Well, I went outside of the bar crying and his daughters came after me. They told me he was “crazy” and that he emotionally abused them their whole lives! I had my family come tell him to leave my house on Jan 1st and he left on the 3rd. He is in psychotherapy now. Almost every time he would get upset was when he had been drinking alcohol. She has also diagnosed him with “abusive” alcoholism. He overdoes it when he drinks. WE are all reading the book, “Disarming The Narcissist” and it is ENLIGHTENING! The surprising this is, His psychologist, HIM, and I checked off the EXACT same symptoms in the book! I don’t think I can stay in this marriage though. He is apologizing and at one point begged on his knees for me to wait for him. He says he is trying and he will figure it all out. He knows he has screwed up his past relationships and will do anything it takes to fix whats wrong with him. But,….after reading everything there is on-line, I am afraid. I am afraid of him. I don’t trust him. I am looking back and seeing the slight manipulations, never any real abuse except for New Years Eve. I’m seeing why he reacted the ways he did to different situations. I have empathy for him but, I am going back and forth on filing for a dissolution. We own nothing together. There is nothing to fight about. I just keep going back and forth between, I’ll wait and see how the therapist feels he doing to “He’s a fu***ng MONSTER, I have to run!” He gave the psychologist permission to talk to me about him. I have talked to her twice. She says he does have empathy. She said that there is hope for him because he has insight. I have also started to see a psychologist, she just says RUN and gives me cards for attorneys which are use to dealing with crazies. I feel drained. I feel confused, mistrustful, (especially all the sex stuff you guys have written), I am questioning everything word he says or ever has said any everything he has ever done. I feel my therapist is completely neglecting the fact that 97% of the time he is fine. He treats me well. With respect and he is loving and affectionate and giving. Is this going to get worse? Can he be helped? I have only seen him 3 times in the last 30 days. Once he just came to my door hysterically apologizing and telling me was going to fix whatever was wrong with him. The next time, we talked about things that concerned me about his behavior. The 3rd time, I brought him his copy of the book and he immediately looked it up on the internet. As he read it he turned and said,”OMG your afraid of me! This sounds like a monster. I am not a monster!” He was crying and fell to the floor on his knees. He began begging and became hysterically sobbing saying, “I’m not a monster, I’m a good person, I’m a good person. Please don’t be afraid of me. This can’t be true! I am not this monster!” I kept referring him to the book which explains it much better. Once you understand the origins of the behaviors they exhibit, you will know whats happening. Prior to reading the book, I thought I was going crazy! I will talk to his psychologist again next week. I have told him that I need my space for now. I have been going 3-5 days with no contact for my own peace and thinking time. He says me not talking to him is killing him but I need my space.
I honestly am so confused. Can he be helped because he has insight into himself? Should I wait? Should I get out while,…well basically, besides a dissolution, I’m kinda out already.?
MY therapist tells me that I’m just being drawn back into his manipulation when I talk to him or see him. She actually rolled her eyes when I told him how he broke down. I am sooooooooooo confused. help
This man needs help with alcoholism. Nothing like the people I have had to deal with. The abuse is extremely apparent with narcissism. Kept behind closed doors, but there is no mistaking it. In your case it sounds like an issue with booze. Can you get him to AA?
Describes my good friend’s husband to a T! I’ve sat back and kept my mouth shut watching her throw her life away on a TOTAL SELF-CENTERED, EGO-BASED Jerk! Malignant Narcissist! The last 20 years I’ve known her, he’s managed to carry on with affairs. The idiot had one within 1 year of being married to her. Of course it was the young gals fault! He can’t help it younger women are naïve and fall for the lines of crap these so-called piece of crap men dish out. Besides she dressed “showy,” that was his excuse that time. Then he manages to pathologically lie about everything! Finances, women, credit card debt, his drinking, porn issues, flirting/sexual issues, blame games, wanting to act 18 when he’s damn near 50! He’s got my good friend in so much business debt, it’s truly pathetic. He comes across as Mr. Big Shot with his advertising and name on everything and yet behind the scenes he has managed to screw up multiple business deals, piss off clients, not take any responsibility for overspending, abusing employees, staying out at bars drinking instead of being home with her and the kids. She tolerates it for the kids, but how can that toxic environment be healthy? Not 1 time could he ever show up on time for any dinners we’ve all had. Mr. King Big Shot always had to come in late wanting everyone to gawk or stare at him. He has to be center of attention everywhere he goes. It’s like a true sickness for him. That’s the only darn way he gets his ego stroked – CONSTANTLY having to be CENTER STAGE look at ME! LOOK AT ME! I guarantee he was one of those kids back in elementary school that wouldn’t be quiet or always needed constant praise and admiration. The sad part is…again a mature man almost 50 that acts like an immature kid. All they do is ruin lives, refuse to grow up, wreck marriages, wreck businesses, wreck finances, screw kids lives up, and then blame everyone else. I hope she wakes up one day! Thanks!
I was the second of four husbands who were abused and asset stripped. It took me ten years to recover.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married only three months. Just leave for your sanity. The temporary feeling of making a wrong decision is far, far better than attempting to make it work and being abused.
One game to be added is ‘bait and switch’ where you put your arm up to defend yourself and get accused of hitting them when their moving hand or arm contacts yours.
As for the future, I would not be at all surprised to hear my ex has been murdered by their current partner.
Thankfully she lives over 1000 miles away
My friend sent me this site..this is my husband to the t. I’ve been dealing with it for 17years. I need help
These games describe both my parents to a T. They’ve passed these traits on to my siblings. One of them can do the most obnoxious, rude, even abusive and borderline illegal things and simply stare at you and demand that you account for whatever tiny thing he’s decided he has an issue with. Another brother made absolutely sure he was the center of attention at our niece’s wedding–waltzing in with a flamboyant tie and loud voice, making sure all eyes were on him.
Not surprisingly, I went on to marry a narc/sociopath, who plays all the same games.
I’m coming to feel there’s no hope for me ever to escape the damage. It continues, as they’re teaching my kids to treat me the same way they do, and there’s nothing I can do to prevent it. My kids are young adults who choose to be around these people, and believe them that I’m making these things up and assuming bad motives.
I have read many of these comments. I really appreciate them because I am in a relationship where I am mentally drained, exhausted, almost depleted, as if they CIA should hire her for their prisoner tortures. I am about to be separated and divorce. You can’t win with someone with NPD. It’s their way, their crazy distortions on reality or subject yourself to more mental torture. I am so fortunate that my time in the relationship has been short. My heart goes out to those who have to day in and day out suffer from NPD’s excruciating ‘chinese water torture’.
I found this website as I was googling the narcisstic personality disorder. Each of your articles are emotionally wrecked and biased. “The narcissist will take your soul.”
As I myself have been diagnosed with npd, I want to say that I went on this site to look for tips and help, rather to be affronted with ex-lovers and whatnot.
I might be self-centered but I do not lack empathy and I am sure it fluctuates individually. There are many people diagnosed with npd that care about their relationships.
In one article, you stated that all narcissists are mysoginists. I myself am a feminist.
You bring past hurts into your articles and while it may be helpful for others to relate to this, it’s not particularly useful for the people who seek information.
We are not evil psycopaths.
What if it’s your daughter? And she is hell bent on destroying you? And goes to extreme measures to discredit you and now your grandchildren think that ll their problems,. as in the whole family are caused in some way by me I can barely function now. And the crazy part is both my sons saw this for years and I was so in denial. She has taken every thing I have now. And even when I stay away out of fear she will have my grandchildren call or text. Why me? I was married to her father 25 years and I was beat every day. When my children moved out so did I. it was a long cruel divorce and still suffer horrible ptsd. Her father is a meth addict and has been sleeping with her friends,. etc and she now will tell me he is the better parent. Her husband her both play the same game. She is addicted to pain killers and I won’t help her get them. That was my 1st time truly seeing her rage. I was fresh out of icu having had an arterial burst and my son was caring for me. She wanted my painkillers and I of course said no,. and she preceded to scream that I am a loser the worst mom ever,. she hates me and I should die.. This went on for months. And even though I was on an in home IV for a year she insisted to all we know I was faking it. She started making up stories about how I had abused her growing up. People that have known me for years knew better but she had her friends convinced. At the end of my IV time I was getting around better and she wanted her husband to have a new truck. They have no credit. I was still so sick and weak but they came and took me to a car lot where I sat for 5 hours until I agreed to take out the loan so I could go home. Her husband appeared on the agreement as a co buyer. They never made a payment and a week ago it was collect by the repo man. She told her children grandma made them take it which I did not. Then she tried to lie to the finance company and said I withheld it from them and the young lady knew better. So she told me I either let them off the hook or I can no longer see my grandbabies. This is just a few things.. She even took a title loan out on MY car and I have to repay it. Not to mention that I somehow co signed college loan papers I never had heard of. Now every day they apply for credit under my name so I have no future. I have portal vein thrombosis and who knows when I will pass but she has cost me everything. And it still isn’t over. What do I do? i love her so much. I seriously thought for years we were best friends but now I have thought about it this is how it’s been since she was 14. I am so lost.
You were spot on! It’s almost as if you were my shadow for the last 20 years. To make matters worse, I work with my brother and mother, I’m 60. She won’t retire, tries to control office matters like hiring people, etc. He’s on one vacation after another. When he’s here, he tells me to cc him on all the emails to his large customers. He doesn’t read them but, this makes the customer think he’s involved when he’s not. They are both exactly alike with the mind games. Always trying to break my spirit and they’ve done a good job. Dad passed away 22 yrs ago and he wasn’t like this. I can’t walk away from the business, I’m VP. I can use what you say, to basically not respond to their bogus words… not feed their fire. Very sad. I’m ok with me… that’s the important part. Hard to have a smile on my face after listening to them though. Thank you.. You’re awesome!
Very informative, very accurate and I plan on trying to utilize some of the recommended strategies. Thank you for the advice.
Just a quick question…when my son first met his partner I recognized everything she was going to do. Chilled to the bone I warned him not to get her pregnant…not to worry said he she is taking contraceptive. No hope, and I knew it. I always know what she is planning although exactly how she goes about it is beyond me. Well, she did get pregnant and informed him that she was…so on and so forth. Btw her baby was born 10 months later. I could not figure out how I knew her so well. I can practically read her mind.
My mother kept me isolated from others through illness. I was not taken to doctors for serious problems: epilepsy, migraines, hypoglycemia, arthritis since childhood. For 12 years I was unable to go to school, work, or have friends. People in the neighbourhood treated me with contempt and I would find out later that she had told them lies about me. I was a possession wasn’t I? Just like my son now in his relationship. That is the key to understanding such a person is it not? Everything, including the living are theirs and like hoarders they will not let go.
The thing is, she was taught by her mother to be this way, and now she, in turn is teaching my granddaughter. My granddaughter asked me when no else was around if I would hurt someone to get back at them for something they did wrong to me. No, honey…nevIer. For the first time that little one, 8 years old turned to me with watery eyes and a big sigh and hugged me. A long drawn out hug. My grandson 13 informed me that it was not my sons fault for the neglect shown by their family to my youngest son, in a wheelchair with arthritis, and me. I assured him that it was okay. I understood and knew what was happening. A nod of his head, and we moved on.
There appears nothing I can do legally. My son is a man and there is absolutely no help for him…women, children, transgender, gay…yes. For a normal male…nothing. I have never been a violent person. Nearly tipped a canoe over trying to save a drowning bee…smile. Still like that, and I can only lie when my life is at stake. I know that if she died her parents would ensure that my son would not get custody of his children. That would literally kill him. A slow, torturous, soul-sucking death.
So, what is the answer?
The answer is – educate yourself as much as possible about Narcissistic and Sociopathic Disorders, traits, tactics, how you actually cultivate and enable their fucked up ways and find out what options you have. Best option is to leave them completely alone – just cut out and say nothing. If you can’t physically leave ..then make an emotional and mental run for it and learn how to get through things… Unscathed or use your info to outsmart them and get what u need done. But understand all they say or do is self serving dishonest and without regard for anyone so don’t look for progress or fall for the glimmer of hope – its just bait lol its also important to grow a pair balls (ladies…keep a pair of balls in your purse lol) and don’t be victimized allow abuse and set boundaries…be yourself…be happy…sad…opinionated…self aware…real. Maybe they will do you favor and leave you alone. I used to enjoy playing with the m – easy pickings once u learn. But I’m too busy being a better me to give a fuck lol that is what kills them – “DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS”
I am four months out of a relationship with a scicopath covert narcissist, all I can say is holy shit what a trip and I take the blame for my actions and staying too long and all the damage that was done to me ptsd and almost took my life. I should of known and never looked into the psyco’s history when I started into the relationship, her first husband took his life, red flag number one she then married and moved over seas stayed with husband number two until his parents died and left him two million dollars, adopted two boys 3 and 16 months and moved back to the states. Husband two bought a half million dollar home 30000 in blinds for the house a 15000 dollar deck and husband two was out the door flag number two. And then I enter the picture, was told husband one had a drinking problem that is why he took his life, wonder why he had a drinking problem, told husband two didn’t want to be a father for the boys that were adopted, and being I was a father of two and loved my children I was perfect for the picking the relationship was classic love bombing in the start, sex was the best the times were fun until I fell in love and then the games started the never ending control games, I never could put my finger on it, I soon found myself being the caregiver, of my children and her children, the pool boy, cook, house keeper, yard boy oh and of course the bank being I was giving her 1500 dollars a month for bills not including the food I was buying and all the other stuff I was buying. I then went through six year’s of being a caged lion not knowing who I was anymore the sex stopped and I found myself doing more and more to try and get back to the way the relationship started thinking all the time what the hell is going on. There is so much that went on from the boys having sex and her saying the scapegoat son rapped the younger alpha male and he was put in prison from my dog getting cut and then she puts a PPO me, movies are made out of this shit all is I can say I am glad it is over and I’m alive
Captivating article. Sadly, it felt uncomfortably real to read. Like you look in my windows and can see everything that has been going on in my life. My brain is scrambled. My intuition only confuses me…they are a strange bunch, these narcissistic creatures. So charming, and cute – I never see it coming. Next thing I know I’ve discovered my emotions have been sliced wide open with a box cutter blade and I’m bleeding out profusely. But he didn’t do it. Has no idea what I’m talking about…said I shouldn’t have started it and deserve his reaction. I’m too sensitive…I assume, I am a nag, negative, crazy…and on and on it goes.
He might be right.
I feel pretty crazy.
I think my mom is this. She is constantly making everything about her. She takes everything personally. She’ll call you crazy for defending yourself when she’s the one provoking and being unreasonable. She always plays the victim even though she’s the one displaying the abusive behavior. She constantly denigrates my father and usually over things that are so trivial, but it always has to become a huge melodrama and shouting match. She is the kind of person who constantly wants respect and tolerance but she has absolutely none for anyone else. I really feel like she’s a monster in a lot of ways. I love her and do understand some of her issues. She has clinical depression and past trauma issues. However, it doesn’t give her carte blanche to act like a 24/7 nightmare. I genuinely would like my father to divorce for his own well-being. No matter how much he tries she will always start a fight and be highly emotionally abusive. It can never be a civil disagreement. It always has to be cruel. I just can’t even stand her half the time. And i get so tired of her constant projections. I wish she could just own her bullshit and get help.
This is so scarily true and I was honestly beginning to think I was at fault. The characteristics of the person I was with up until recently match at least 90% of what you have written. I feel so sad that someone I wanted to spend my life with continues to be like this, and this is not the first time it has happened so I am not suprised however I am still sad to let her go.
It’s most fun when they abuse you, and you leave, then they make up a lie that you are crazy and left them because you are crazy. They keep up the lie for years. You somehow forget how bad they are so you return to them. Then you tell them off in front of a room full of their narcissistic friends. You become “It” in an unending game of tag, where their associates follow you and watch you at work at a restaurant, and approach you. You start recognizing the players, because they suddenly frequent the same gym you have been going to for years. … You begin to think it’s you or that you really are starting to lose it, but because you keep your mouth shut about the abuse, they get annoyed and tell on themselves. After all, they want credit for f’ing with you. You walk away for good this time. GAME OVER.
My husband narcissist and I have a game I will call ‘Reset’. The shit hits the fan (because I just don’t take it lying down anymore), and there is a great deal of extended screaming and storming, (thank goodness we don’t have kids at home anymore), one of us grabs our keys, and flies off in the car. I used to attempt to “reason” with him later on and try to make him see how he was hurting me. I don’t do that anymore as it proved to be a waste of breath. Now, I avoid “picking up the ball” like the plague and succeed much of the time, though it is still no way to live. However, I do still live in the house. And I do have to go home at some point. This is when the ‘Reset’ game happens. He asks me something about the dogs, or gives me my mail, or tells me the gardener came. Now I am on the spot. If I don’t acknowledge him, I’m starting the fight up again. But if I do respond, I am giving him Access to me again. I have noticed the Reset is compounded if I sleep in our bed. We don’t resolve anything. The last thing I want to do is wade back into that swamp. And perhaps he is counting on that. Even if we are not being friendly, it makes a statement that he can approach me, even when I don’t want him to. Before long, we are right back where we started with his abusive behavior, my suffering, and another explosion. It is excruciating to live with someone you just want to stay the hell away from you. And I am so damaged now, I don’t know how to extricate myself from this. Can you tell me how to prevent the ‘Reset?” Better yet, can you tell me how to save myself?
The common thing I see in comments on this and other websites is those of us who have been raised by or involved with narc refer to ourselves as victims. I had a narc father, and as a child, I was a victim with no choices or recourse. As an adult, choosing narc partners is exactly that, a choice. Sure they lied and manipulated, spent my money and treated me like crap, but I stuck around and tried to make it all better for them long after I realized the great guy I thought he was didn’t exist. That makes me co-dependent, and a willing party in the twisted relationship. Not a naive victim who could do nothing about it.
My father was the biggest, craziest and most scary man in our small town. Everyone, including the local cops, feared him. This was prior to stricter laws on domestic violence. The restraining order was utterly worthless. When I was 14, i called the cops for the hundredth time. They put my little brother and I in the back of the cop car to take us to a safehouse, as my alcoholic mother was out on the town and couldn’t be located. My father chased the cop car. The cop was so scared he raced to the police station, parked underground and brought us inside. We were there for about an hour while the cops decided we couldn’t to the safe house because we’d put the family in danger. They drove us home, dropped us off, and told me to call if dad came back. I realized that if my father could hold a gun to my head and the cops would do nothing, it was only a matter of time before he killed one of us. I was done being a victim. I became the aggressor and it felt good to be in control of the game. I taunted him, shot up a building on our property while he was hiding in it, burned his stuff in front of him and took every opportunity to belittle him to his face. He called the cops on me a few times, but I always played innocent and they knew our history, and didnt really want to pursue either of us nutjobs.I told my mother that she must choose to have me in her life or him. She was terrified he would kill her and he probably would have if we stayed in our little town. I told her we had to leave town to be freed of him. Mom, my brother and I moved to a large city in a different state and we never looked back. I’ve not seen or spoken to my father in over 30 years and I wouldn’t change that decision for anything in this world. It allowed me to become my own person and extinguish the anger that drove me to be as evil to him as he was to us.
Unfortunately, my co-dependence continued to thrive. I am a fixer and a caregiver. Perfect to be the strong one to take care of my alcoholic mom and raise my much younger brother, who also became an alcoholic (both are sober many years now, we have all healed a lot). Thus, I’m often drawn to narc men who want someone to “momma” them. The love bombing stage isnt all a one way street. I’m eating it all up and ignoring red flags. I’m allowing myself to be swept up in the fantasy of insta-love because it feels exilerating and fills the holes I pretend aren’t there. I want to do anything and everything for this person – not just cook, clean, wait on them, but give them the family, holidays, success, financial stability, they’ve never had. They play the victim of circumstances and I play the saviour. They are lying and manipulating me, but i can’t claim to be a victim, because my desire to be the one who makes it all better is just as warped. As time goes on, and I see more and more of who my narc really is, and that I can’t fix them or give them enough to be happy, I become discontented and feel taken advantage of. I start to pull away and have thoughts of contempt, which I eventually begin to show and voice. My narc is stunned when he says something nasty and, instead of a calm steady silence, I retaliate with my voice dripping of disgust and disdain. I feel sorry afterward and apologize. I hate that I’ve reverted to an angry part of myself and I end the relationship, or try to anyway. Now that the narc sees he’s pushing my buttons, it’s just more fun for him, and I so want to believe he loves me and can be a good man. We try again and again, but each time it’s worse. I have no delusions about who he is and I let him know it often. It feels good to cut him off emotionally, physically, financially. To make him face his truth without me. It feels like I beat him at his own game. Yet, he brought out the worst in me, and there is no victory for me in that. By continuing my repeat relationship cycle, I continue to play my part in all of the narc games. It is time for me to stop reading about narcissists and start fixing me.
Totally true I lived with that for years thank you for taking the time to write it down for others hopefully it may help someone else escape sooner than I did. By the time I got away I sincerely believed I was totally insane I had been gas lighted until I had no trust in my own perception and I still struggle with it today.
My biggest regret was not trusting my gut feelings in the very beginning. It was all to good to be true but it felt so good to be love bombed. To this day those memories are so strong and painful, I still have a lot of healing do I cant do it alone so I showed up at the county mental hospital thinking I was crazy. I am now getting support but far from healed. My story is this: I was 43 with a special needs child age 5. I had just left a controlling, verbal abusive husband who refused to admit our child needed help. He was an a_ _hole! It took me 2 years to get brave and leave but I did it. Now I realize he was a Narc but not as bad as the next one I am going to share. About 2 months into my new rental house and a new job (after not working 10 years) I was a happy free women. I was kicking butt at work and felt I could make it on my own as a single mom. Then I met him 🙁 Mr. King (thats not a joke, that is his last name) He always stared at me during our work meetings, kinda creepy actually looking back. Anyway… we go on our first date and it was amazing. He said all the right things, treated me like I never had before (and I dated a ton of men in my life) He was so unique, so sure of himself, kinda cocky but I loved it. I was eating right out of this devil’s hand for 7 years. The stories are heartbreaking. I can share just a few to get an idea. After keeping me on edge ever wondering if we would move in or get married he proposed to me on a southwest airplane on our way to see his parents for the holidays. He had someone video taping it. (I still cant watch it)…. His speech in front of a hundred people on the plain was like a movie and then the RING OMG. It was a complete shock, all of it. This is a man that strung me along for 6 years before this proposal keeping me right at his fingertips playing “hard to get” which I fell hard for. Anyway I said YES, had him move into MY NEW house I just bought from my prior divorce. It lasted about 2 months. This is when the mask started to crack. I went out for a drink with a female co-worker one night after work since he wasnt home anyway and at a party he didnt invite me too. Well got home before I did, I think it was 10pm and I arrived at 11pm. He was in bed I thought sleeping. So I decided to take a quick shower and then jump into bed. Well, Mr King was raged!!!! He ripped the shower curtain off the bar and screamed at me that “I am a whore just like his ex wife” I am a liar and cheater and on and on. I stood there shaking and scared for my life. All I could think is thank god my son is at his dad’s. Then I told him if he was going to talk like that in this home he better move the F out. And guess what the very next day while I was at work, he packed all his things and some of mine, rented a Uhaul and moved 400 miles away. I was devastated by all of it. One minute I was going to be his wife, the next I am a whore. I almost killed myself over that ordeal. A year went by and we flew back and forth for a year being boyfriend/girlfriend. He convinced me the move out was all my fault and I fell for it again. Next thing you know he says ” I love you so much I want to try again and live together”. I said OK (stupid me) This time he lived with me 9 months slowly torchuring me with mind games, demanding exhausting sex day and night and it was never enough. I started to say NO and thats when rage #2 started. This time he made sure I lost my job (by telling lies to the office which we both worked), he bought me a car and decided to take it back after I sold my old one, had a calculating plan without telling me as he laughed on the phone to friends and his family how f_ _ked my life is going and that he was going to leave me because I am a stupid b _tch for not paying attention enough to him and that I was mentally ill heading downhill and he got his own place. I heard hours and hours of him discussing lies to his fan club on a tape recorder that I had on while I was gone. I am so glad I did that because it finally convinced me that he is a sick disgusting, perverted man. I waited patiently acting as if I had no idea he was planning to move out AGAIN when I least expected it. Sick to my stomach… night after night in bed listening to his lies of how in love he was with me and I was the women of his dreams…. at the same time calculating his exit. He finally moved out but I wasn’t devastated… I was prepared. Unfortunately this time he moved only 4 miles way. But so far I am doing good and on a journey to learn how to love and forgive myself. This is thanks to my support group, heavy medications and weekly psychiatry appointments. Bottom line… I fell for both narcissist men and spent 17 years mind fu_ked because I had deep emotional childhood traumas that I am slowly coming to grips with. This was all a wake up call. I feel for everyone of you dealing with narcissist heartache. Please love yourself, forgive yourself for falling for the bull_hit. Pull yourself together and get support. Check your county clinics. They have FREE mental health facilities out there with wonderful Dr’s and really fun support groups. It will help you like it is for me. Find the journey back to yourself and have peace in your life. xoxoxoxoxo
Going back a few years, we had a fella working on the police department that was a transfer in from other departments. The word was that he was like Typhoid Mary, leaving a wake of destruction everywhere he went.
He quickly ascended the ranks, becoming the top dog in a short amount of time. Not taking anything away from his smarts, but he was an example of how people learn how to pass a shrink’s hiring evaluation.
He was a master game player. The people above him – that were useful toward his ends – thought he was great. Anybody that worked laterally from him or below, knew that he was trouble. He really seemed to enjoy toying with people, like a cat that caught a mouse. I don’t know how many times he fooled around on his wife, other than it was constant. He even was diddling the live in nanny, and eventually had to move to another county.
I also heard of him abusing prisoners. He really enjoyed demeaning people. And although he managed to finagle his way into another top cop spot, he was eventually canned. His wife of 30 years also divorced him from all the tom cattin’. I later completed a proxied Hare’s Psychopathy Inventory test for him. He came in 2 points below Ted Bundy, but then again, I did not know anything about his childhood.
I would imagine that a lot of people were happy when this jerk died a couple of years ago. Maybe it’s telling that virtually nobody wrote any kind words for him as an online condolence. Not quite what you would expect with someone of his stature.
I hate how it is always “he wins” “He lies”, Tell that to the she’s that ruined my life. But this all is absolutely true as the test of time. You will never win their games, Even if you were to, there is no prizes. Unless you are a masochist well then you aren’t reading this and undoubtedly are playing all these games with your sadistic narcissist right now!
Hi, I definitely don’t deny the fact that there are also female Narcissists. But there are twice as many male Narcissists compared to Female Narcissists. THis is however an older article and with newer articles I try to write differently.