The Narcissist Out of Control

The narcissist feels a compelling need to control people in his (or her) environment; his spouse or partner, work mates, friends and neighbors. That is because in his own mind he doesn’t feel in control; because he lacks feelings of internal control he has the strong urge to control whomever he can externally. He (or she) will seek to dominate every individual and every group with which he interacts. The narcissist’s obsessive desire for control is actually not about control for control’s sake; it is essentially a defense against the risk of receiving a “narcissistic injury” (a blow to the ego or self-esteem).

A major component of narcissism is gaining control over others. This behavior is often a reaction to a childhood completely dominated by a narcissistic parent (or parents)- controlled in all aspects of his young life and not allowed to develop control over his own life. Healthy parenting involves allowing children to learn where the boundaries lie, whereas narcissistic parenting involves the parent(s) establishing complete emotional control over their offspring.

The narcissist lives in fear of losing control

He sees other people in his environment – at home, at work, friends, relatives and neighbors – as extensions of himself. He sees himself at the center of the world- the controller, an idol to be adored and admired; in his mind this makes it acceptable for him to control and abuse others. He continually tries to rearrange the ‘others’ in his life to look toward only him and admire him. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the narcissist tries to control them.

Significant others who don’t immediately do as the narcissist wishes are subjected to manipulation, threats, coercion advice giving, guilt, manipulation, domination or any other means at the narcissist’s disposal. Narcissists have an obsessive need to control others due to their fear of abandonment. Abandonment is the ultimate narcissistic injury.

The connection between narcissism and control is strong and represents one of the diagnostic tools used by psychologists to define the personality disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). People suffering from narcissism attempt to control others in order to enhance their own sense of power and entitlement. Narcissism and the need to control relate to their self image as does the tendency to devalue others to increase their own sense of self-worth. Controlling others also relates to a lack of empathy, a tell-tale trait seen in people with narcissism. Narcissists typically believe they deserve special recognition for their superior talent or intelligence, which they feel gives them the right to exploit, demean, and use others.

In intimate relationships, narcissism and control might be exhibited in the narcissist’s attempt to determine a partner’s choice of friends or how a loved one dresses. The narcissist might become jealous or possessive and resort to aggressive behavior to exert control. He or she might resent a partner who does not focus constant attention on the narcissist or defer to his or her desires. The narcissist feels he must control his significant others in order to have a steady, reliable source of Narcissistic Supply.

What happens if the narcissist loses control?

If he loses control of others he will fail to find Narcissistic Supply sources, just like a drug addict that can’t find any drugs. This precipitates a narcissistic crisis. The narcissist becomes more desperate and more compulsive in looking for his drug. The more he fails, the more he is hurt and expresses his emotional turmoil by acting out (not uncommonly with ‘narcissistic rage’).

The narcissist initiates his own abandonment (by demeaning, devaluing and even discarding others) because of his fear. He is so afraid of losing his sources (and of unconsciously being emotionally hurt) – that he would rather “control”, “master”, or “direct” the potentially destabilizing situation – than confront the effects if initiated by the significant other. The personality of the narcissist has a low level of organization. It is precariously balanced.
Being abandoned could cause a narcissistic injury so grave that the whole edifice can come crumbling down. Narcissists usually entertain suicidal ideation in such cases. But, if the narcissist initiated his abandonment, if HE directed the scenes, if the abandonment is perceived by him to be a goal HE set himself to achieve – he can and does avoid all these troublesome consequences.

Narcissists and Abandonment

Narcissists are terrified of being abandoned yet their solution is mind boggling. Narcissists facilitate the abandonment. They MAKE SURE that they are abandoned. This way they secure the achievement of two goals:

(1) Getting it over with – The narcissist has a very low threshold of tolerance to uncertainty and inconvenience, emotional or material. Narcissists are very impatient and “spoiled”. They cannot delay gratification OR impending doom. They must have it all NOW, good or bad.

(2) By bringing the feared abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to himself persuasively. “She didn’t abandon me; it is I who abandoned her. I controlled the situation. It was all my doing, In time, the narcissist adopts this “official version” as the truth. He might say: “I deserted her emotionally and sexually long before she left”.
Narcissists HATE happiness, joy and vivaciousness – in short, they hate life itself. The roots of this bizarre tendency can be traced to three psychological dynamics, which operate at the same time (it is very confusing to be a narcissist):

First, there is pathological envy.

The Narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes, their property, their character, their education, their children, their ideas, their ability to feel, their good mood, their past, their future, their present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their location…
Almost ANYTHING can be the trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy. But there is nothing which reminds the narcissist more of his envious experiences than happiness. Narcissists lash out at happy people out of their own deprivation.

Second is narcissistic hurt.

The narcissist regards himself as the center of the world and the lives of those surrounding him. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all developments- positive and negatives alike, the axis, the prime cause, the broker, the pillar, forever indispensable. It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy. It painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, triggers and catalysts. It is shocking to his ego to see that there are things happening outside the orbit of his control.

The narcissist uses “projective identification”. He feels bad through other people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the source of such sadness either to himself, as its cause – or to the “pathology” of the sad person. “You are constantly depressed, you should really see a therapist” is a common sentence. The narcissist – in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it serves some cathartic purposes – strives to perpetuate it by sowing constant reminders of its existence. “You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong?

Last, but not least, is the exaggerated fear of losing control.

The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. He suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion fostered not by him or by his actions directly or indirectly. Counteracting someone else’s happiness is the narcissist’s way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.


  • I just broke up with my N boyfriend a little over 2 months ago. We are working together in the same company. I am devastated, feeling depressed and lethargic, he, on the contrary looks to be very happy and adapting very well with his newfound single life. It’s like he has totally forgotten about me and our relationship ( we were together for over 2 years). I broke up with him because for the past 6 months, he has been increasingly cold, distant and super rude with me for no apparent reason, except for the cryptic “bad mood”. He was never passionate to start with anyways, and always blowing hot and cold, but the last 6 months was over the top, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

    I was the happy, outgoing, carefree person before I met him. He was theintrovert, depressed, moody and grumpy guy before he met me. Now, the table is turning upside down. How could this happened?

    I know for sure that he is not seeing other woman yet. He is continuing his study though (after being dropped out from college 7 years ago). This is a huge thing for him. I know he has been dying to go back to college but he was always procrastinating about it (I finished my education 10 years ago). I was the one who pushed him to go and apply into an open university. Now it’s all back fired on me like a boomerang. He is totally psyched about the new college and totally forget about me and the relationship. We used to dream about having a life together, a perfect wedding ceremony, house, kids, going on holiday, etc. Now his dreams are to finish his college, meeting new people along the way, get a better job when he get his degree and eventually be a successful person. He cut me off his dreams and I have no part in it anymore.

    He has moved on and I am still hang up on him. I miss him so bad but I won’t give him the satisfaction on initiating contact first. I want him back so desperately, but I know its unlikely to happen. He discarded me like yesterday newspaper for another object of interest (the college). Am I really that easily replaceable? How can I get over him, if I have to see him day in and day out ?(I am bound by contract and can’t leave the company before I contract finish).
    Is he really and truly happy in his life now that I’m gone? Has he really forgotten about me and the relationship? Was I the cause of his moodiness?

    • Don’t be fooled by persona that he displaying now, if he treated you like nothing first time he will do same. Narcissist they never satisfied with what they got, u will always be second one. They feel inside the could do better without you. There is great hollow vacuum inside Narcissist that nothing under this world could fill (may be spiritual intervention. They have fierce attack even the loved ones. You sound grown up so move on to the next phase of your life don’t look back. Not sure you would want togo through same sh*t again .

    • Forget of all this.

      If your ex was a narcissist then count your blessings for no longer being with them. I was myself in a relationship for over a year and when I left her for good she didn’t hesitate one second to 1)Replace me 2) Making sure that I knew she had someone else.

      Read as much as you can about narcs. You will be able to understand how they function. Lastly, once you get the schtik of how they operate / think, you will be happy to no longer be with him.

      At the end of the day here what your other option would have been, should you have not left him. He would have stayed with you until he’d find someone else, then dump you like yday’s newspaper. Be happy he hasn’t replaced you yet (always good for the ego…)

    • This reads like my story, particularly the last 6 months. Would be interested to know how long it took you to recover from this.

      • go read a book called Psychopath Free or go to website or Facebook page. It’ll explain everything you need to know.

      • You don’t. You move on. You forget they existed, because they take a nuclear bomb to your life. With my ex, it’s as if she took a nuclear bomb blew up my entire life and I have no contact with anyone from her. This includes my own children. You grieve over the death of the relationships, and move forward with a new life and replace them all. You hope that one day somewhere they’ll come around, you crave over the death of the relationships, and move forward with a new life and replace them all. You hope that one day somewhere they’ll come around, but don’t expect them to. But do not expect them to. Once a narcissist has their grip on your life, kiss that part of your life goodbye. It took me to realize after 47 charge accounts, and paying over $$2500 a month in minimum charge account payments, that her appetite for my blood was never going to go away. Finally I left, moved on with a wonderful woman, and I’ve never been happier.

        • I think you might be the narcissist buddy. You sound just like my boyfriend. Trying to blame everything on someone else. Nothing should keep you from your children. Its not their fault. No they will not come looking for you when they are 18 and if they do they arent gona be happy. Probably even ruined cause you didnt fight for them.

          • He is right Mia – Narcissists do take a nuclear bomb to your life and like my brother he could not see his daughter until she was 18 old enough to make the choice herself. Why? When my brother took her to court year after year and she didn’t turn up – no court in England is going to force a mother to attend court – so yes when children get to an age where a narcissist has no control only then can they move forward to establish a decent relationship with the parent who was ostracised.

            It is not easy to fight a narcissist when they hold the trump card…

    • Why would u want someone back that treats u like that & has destroyed your life? A “N” has a severe personality disorder that will never be normal. They don’t feel like a normal person & have no conscience with no sympathy or empathy. Be SO thankful he let u free of his clutches; talk to a woman that’s had 30 yrs. of this & u will look back & be thankful. I had 7 yrs. of it & prayed it would get better or that I could get free of this. God answered my prayers & he asked for his 3rd divorce. I am so glad I get a new lease on life @ 59 yrs. old. He has left me out on the street penniless but I know things have to get better being away from a control freak thats revengeful & self centered. Go talk to some couselors & that might help u get over him. I wish u well, Sophie.

    • You are sure he was Narcissist not border line or psycho because he never love bombed initially.they do that and then start hot and cold. Look very happy, energetic as almost life could not being better. You will soon see how much he is happy. He is taking this strategic space to let everyone think how happy he is.

  • Let go now and don’t waste any more time or energy.
    Run Run Run
    He will never change, I have been doing this dance for 8 years, what a waste of my precious life, it was all a big game for him.
    I’m finally over the heartless, sadistic pig.
    I’m telling ya, let go now, move on and don’t look back

    • Bingo, agree w/u wholeheartedly. Sadistic is a word I use for my husband also. The only way is to run for sure before we get PTSD & it ruins our own lives.

  • Hello Sophie,

    If it is true that your ex is a narcissist, you should not care what he thinks about you anymore, now that you found out. As everyone else, you were seen as an object for his satisfaction, all the way from the beggining. In other words, it was always about him, not about you. The problem is that you resist to accept that it was always fake, that the satisfaction you found was a reaction to an illusion, his false self. It is equally unaproppiate to feel good about what a narcissist says to you in the beggining as to feel bad afterwards if he leaves you. The best thing you can do is to realise you have a problem with your boundaries, with what you accept others do to you. If you didn’t, probably you wouldn’t have been involved with a narcissist, or you would have left him before. The pain you are suffering can end up being a blessing, premitting you to complement your naturally good heart, empathy, ablity to love, with an inner strenght that can let you put your good qualities in a better place, of course not in the attention to a despicable abuser.

  • Great article I have friend who drive me insane at times. He is everything explained above, yet he doesn’t know that. I like my friend and am figuring out how to help him. How to make him understand this disorder. I don’t know yet where to start. He tend ignore any subject that insnt of choice, very convinced with little he understood (simply u can’t change what he understand/convinced.

  • Sophie,
    Your Narcissist is not happy as you may think. They are miserable souls that play act as if they are happy. Just as he acted out a role in being everything you ever wanted in a partner. When the reality is that he is truly a monster with a disordered brain.
    Do not allow yourself to feel sorry for the immature child in the body of an adult. Their minds will never mature beyond a 7 yr old.
    You are having a hard time letting go of your own image of perfection because the person you fell in love with was really your own ideal mate that this scumbag projected. You kept hanging on in the hopes that the person you first met would come back and make everything better, but the truth is that he never existed! It was again, all an act to win you over, and whatever he promised were all lies to keep you hooked.
    No matter how much we hope inside that we could be the one to change these deranged lunatics, it is a sad reality to know that they are damaged beyond repair. They will just wander around the same cycle endlessly finding new victims and discarding them one way or another. Either the victim leaves like you have or the Narcissist dumps them for another victim.
    Once you see right thru into their black core, only then can you start to heal, and it will take a while…but believe me….it will come.
    What you first need to do is to take control of your life! Focus on yourself!!! Get your act together, treat yourself, pamper yourself, Go out and get into shape! If you need to get some sort of closure, they FOCUS on being the best you can be! In time your N will come back and harass you more…and when that happens, you can slowly beat them at their own game.
    I have been NC with my N for 10 months now, and just a few weeks ago, he tried to come back into my life….We have 2 children together, 1yr old and a 3 mo old baby. I had him thrown in jail for domestic violence, and the judge ordered him to stay away from me for a year.
    Right now I have the upper hand in our relationship because I have moved on with my life. I did not jump into a relationship to get over him, but I got my act together and my life is going great!
    I never needed him, although I did go through the withdrawal phase of missing his sickness here and there and sometimes worried a little about him…but the greater part of me hated him!
    I hated him for being a fake person to begin with! I hated all the lies he sold me, and most of all I hated the crazy making and psychotic micro episodes more than anything!
    So far he has discarded women left and right, but never seems happy or able to keep any of those relationships. lol…He is truly a lost cause…
    Gain your power back and feel strong inside because once you feel strong, he will back away in fear. I am stronger and I do know that I am in control of my own life…and I do not need him for anything! Not for money, not for anything!
    He tries to impress me with money, new things he’s bought, (or so he says)…the great job he has, etc, but frankly, it does nothing for me! I have all those things with my own hard work and I know that 5 years from now I will be on top of the world in my life and he will most likely have exhausted all his “good things”.
    Narcissists are chaotic and wreckless spenders. They live for all the wrong reasons and all their decisions are pretty retarded! Remember they are like children and do not know where they are going or how they will keep up their facade of happiness! Inside they are really unhappy, and depressed.
    Be strong Sophie… not care what he is doing because your relationship with him was an illusion of what you dreamt of. Narcissists have no direction and most of them end up miserable and penniless. They are detroyers…not builders…
    My mother is a MN, my ex is NSociopath, and I have 3 siblings all Narcs. I know how to survive now that I have spent years researching how to deal with them…and most of all, how to survive and be better! Good Luck…

    • You will never be whole if you continue relationships with a narcissist. Your love, energy, emotional support, etc. will never be enough for them. They are warped personalities and it is not your fault. You did not make them this way, but remaining part of their world will drain enegy and love for yourself and others more worthy. For what it is worth, I have been a therapist for many years. This is a subject I am well versed in, both professionally and personally. Good luck and move on….

      • Well said. Thank you for this post. I’m in processing of getting free after 18 years. The betrayals, etc., were simply beyond comprehension. I had to do trauma rehab and work on my own boundaries and issues to see the “dance” we were so well versed in – I with my own part. There is simply nothing there once you spend enough time with these soulless individuals, and you cannot fill them up enough from the outside to “fix” them. You simply drain yourself, and in volunteering to do so, there you have an indication of your OWN issues! I lived on emotional crumbs, betrayals, distortions, gas lighting, back stabbing, etc., for years. Not HIS problem, MINE.

    • Your comment really hit a nerve with me. I have been in a relationship with a NARC for 17 years and we have 2 kids 4 and 10. I always knew something was terribly wrong with him, especially after the first time he said he wanted to talk to me. The talk was nothing but an attack on me. I have been called names that I never knew existed. I have been criticised for things I did before I even knew him. He is an extremely intelligent man and very educated. Lately he got involved in online business and believed it was the best thing for us. He has ruined us finacially, investing thousands and making no returns, not to mention piling thousands in credit card debt, which I have been left to pay off as I am the bread winner in the household. He refuses to work and I know now that its not because he believes he can make money online but rather is a lame excuse to live off of me. Luckily I am fairly well educated and hold a good paying job and can support the family. I am planning my escape from him as I am at a point where I understad that I must leave. For years I believed I had a problem even though I knew deep down something was wrong with him. He cheats all the time and lies about it and turns everything around on me. Everything that goes wrong is my fault. A guy contacted me on FB and we have been chatting, but my NARC already knows because he monitors my emails, fb, or phone calls. I know all the power is in my hands and for my own sanity and for the sake of my kids, I will be giving him a very surprising news years gift, My absense!!

      • Oh my, I’m the same but 18years and 4 kids , finally got rid of him, after him breaking my wrist, only apart 7 months but the difference is amazing, he doesn’t bother with kids , does your ex ?? Thank goodness I’ve seen the light and hope to never see him again x

    • That was really good advice. I’ve dated two sociopath’s and consider myself an expert on this disorder through research and life lessons. Your so on point

    • I couldn’t agree with all the things u said more. U will really help alot of people with your comments. Thank-u.

    • Wow! And great information and loads of great advice and support!
      Thank you all, still going through my situation but have been no contact for months now and feel really good about it. Keep posting I love to read these posts, you have no idea how much this helps men and women survivors. Much love from Canada ????????

  • One thing guaranteed NARC is never going to change (except for devine interference spiritualy) narc is never wrong, narc believe that they deserve to have whatever they want. Will choose friend for you make boundaries who you should associate. Even if being kind on the eyes just another tools parts to their life better. Talking from experience narc friend always believes deserve better of every thing only his thoughts matter. Always talking down about other people, hyper vigilant and compulsive liar. Expert in fake promises very disloyal.
    For your sake and for the children you better part ways, he will try make you suffer from child custody + other stuff. But you will b at peace as you can support your family and start new life after 17years of suffocation. Narc fail to have empathy, he will never understand how real feel about relationship, their WAY or NO WAY

    • So true, my husband all the way. They r cold fish that don’t care about anyone but themselves. He has a sick sense of humor too finding things funny when its hurting someone else. He doesn’t have a normal sense of humor. They r mental people that cannot love & cannot be fixed. He has no friends; big clue for next time people! I thought that was odd & just thought it was cuz he worked alot & had no time for friends. Wrong! I am done making excuses for his behavior! Get out when u can. That’s my advice!

  • These are all excellent comments, as was the original article. I’ve learned so much about Narcs from the internet. To be forewarned is to be forearmed, as they say. I ‘met’ one on a specialist messageboard and he pursued me for over 3 years, from one to another – we used to email etc. – and I had to abandon each one. He wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. Not that he offered anything – just hints and veiled suggestions he was ‘interested’. Yeah, that’ll work – NOT.

    In the end he’s a lonely, under-appreciated, vainglorious idiot and that about sums them all up. My sister is a clinical psychologist and she has Narc ‘victims’ to counsel. What she does is “role reversal” and the ‘victim’ makes a statement and my sister, the psych., plays the part of the narc. She said the ‘victims’ are all amazed at her answers, which proves they all think and speak the same – and this usually provides the ‘cure’ and ‘closure’ that victims need.

    A psychiatrist in a major newspaper recently wrote that Narcissists are lonely people “because people just don’t appreciate how wonderful they are”. Honestly, it’s the saddest thing imaginable and I wouldn’t want to be one for anything.

    I don’t know why my ‘stalker’ (on the net) pursued me so much, but I’ve had to duck and weave to get away from him. He offered nothing in return – just manipulation. Again, that’ll work: NOT!!

  • I have been with my husband a little over twelve yrs but married ten yrs. We have four beautiful children ages 11,9,6,&3…our three oldest are adhd after my husband and our 6 yr old has autism in wich he just recently was diagnosed. I new something wasn’t right and set off to get him the help he deserved while my husbands reply was he’s fine..his son couldn’t be what he perceived as damaged goods. So I set out on my own and six yrs later helped him receive speech,twelve hrs extra one on one help six hrs a week both at home and school,parenting classes twice a month to help me further help our son,and occupational therapy at Childrens Hospital for his texture problems with food and delayed motor skills. My husband has taken no participation what so ever but to call him daddys buddy and hurt my two older children.
    My two older children can’t do anything right to their dads standards but my six yr old can’t do anything wrong…not his fault by any stretch…I married my husband rather quickly after relizing I became pg after two months of dating. I had to return home from ca to ne and move in with my parents because my now husband was due to go on an eight month boat cruise in the navy..which he did the day after I delivered..I know now that I should have ran then but I was scared and in love..because he mentioned he had two daughters from two previous relationships..I had no problems excepting that responsibility but wasn’t prepaired that at three months pg and high risk thst then he would drop the bomb he was married.
    He of course said it was over the day they said I do and she left him for another women and the story it was covenant for the two to stay married for extra hormonal bought into it and he quickly divorced her in a matter of months and by the time he returned from the boat two weeks shy of our son turning one he payed all expenses to move us in with him in ca. At that point it took a yr to talk him into marrying me because I didn’t want to play house any longer.
    I can then say things went from a slower pace to a much more rapid case of controlling me. I had to give all reciets so he new what I was buying to if he didn’t like a friend I had to choose my friend or him.ask if I could even spend money and how much I wss allowed. By the third place we were stationed I had given birth to three of our children and our youngest then being four months..I helped push him to fo college to bettet his careeer while I stayed home with the kids and a pregnancy. So when we got to our third place he already had his associates and I still stood back to help him get his bachlor, which he did. But shortly atet arriving he needed to go to Virginia over a two month period for a clsss he needed to be qualified for work. It wss one week a month for two months..immediately lies excesses ect.. Began..I did my own research and the night before he returned home he said another tail and instead of me holding it in I blew. I had figured out the womens full name number and ranking since she to was military.
    He naturally denied any wrong duing and willtalk as soon as he got home..I took it up the chain of command and explained I didn’t want to hurt his career but a chance to save our marriage and clearly that couldn’t happen if she was in the picture. Immediately he calls me irate that his boss new before he had a chance to explain and how I just possibly ruined sn innocent womens career. He was more worried about this other women then what was going to happen to his about a major blow only for him to return a few short hrs with what ever the two of them plotted and after the women had the nerve to call me..after all the stories from him we’re over he then threatened me if I ever contacted his work again he would divorce me immediately because thats his career and it would only hurt me and the kids in the long run because it would be less money. Followed with I had to call his master chief the following morning and apologize for jumping the gun and having the facts wrong so the two of them not to be introuble. And in return he wouldn’t talk to her anymore and work on us..he only admitted to having a emotional affair and not the sexual affair.
    I loved him and because of our children I just settled for it even though I new it had been both. He went on to let me know that I drove him to do it because we weren’t talking and she was helping him through a rough time like that somehow excused his behavior. That was six yrs ago today…since then I have ben diagnosed with kidney stone disease as well as degenerative disc’s been a long first he seemed to br concerned but quickly turned to I just want simpothy to im always sick to no emotion..when we got stationed back to ca a little under two yrs ago I noticed similar patterns..and over the past five and a half yrs I became a stronger more independent women and the more hes seemed to fight and become distant and what I believe to have met someone else.
    Of course he denies another women but asked for a separation and wanted to move the kids and I to ne. I put my foot down and said we are stsying in our can get a barracks room and then we can work on us..only to have him come home four days later saying if I file you have thirty dsys to move off base…who does that to their wife and kids and claimes im doing this for deserve to be happy and so do I..if I can fi.d someone whos willing to care about me even with six kids and three babies moms well at least I have a chance to be happy and please them since there’s no pleasing you..all of this doesn’t even mention half the crap he says to my kids and I..
    He’s threatened me about taking this to court or if he has to pay me to much of his retirement then he may as well get out so I don’t get a dime..hes only seven yrs from retirement..if he has to pay me to much alimony yrs wise thats not fair to him because hes barely going to make ends meet with paying child support on six kids…and if I dont agree to drop the money aloted to me then he will get a barracks room wher child support will drop. All the meanwhile he refuses to stay anywhere else so he knows whats going on here and to keep tearing me down and the kids to get what he wants in the end. I can’t take much more of this nor our kids…one minute hes telling me he loves me how beautiful I am and the next how I made it come to this and so on..i am emotionally drained and confused. Iwant to say lets go to court but then all the crap hes said makes me doubt what I feel os right to protect myself and above all else my kids
    Please could use some advice.

  • I’ve been there i am sorry for you but he is an empty shell who used you. Not that you deserved being used he will do it to anybody. Same across the board with N’s. They make you feel like you have to work to make them love you as they are so oblivious to you. it’s an act. Move on, get a nice guy and forget he exists. He’s not as good as he has convinced you he is. Good luck hope you have moved on already

  • My very dear Narc is a famous author in another country, I have been through all the phases and the discard which hurts me so much still. He is so smart and such a charmer, one night a few months ago he sent me the most endearing and romantic texts ever sent by a man to a woman, anticipating our romantic meeting the next day, then in the morning he had completely washed his hands of me. Giving me short monotone answers in our meeting and then a silent treatment that continues to this day, and a very cold robotic email saying we will continue out lives seperatly, do not text, call, or email him ever igen! He did send me a strange text once after that, saying that he is unresponsive because of the new me (??????) WTF 😉 I remembered back on him telling me about his divorce to a woman 10 years his junior: He said; that she had changed, not wanted to go out anywhere, and that when they did, he weighed himself on the scale at Ikea and discovered he had put on 30 lbs !!!! How dare she!!!! She never mentioned it!!! She was ruining him!!!! I thought that was so strange, after that HE decided to sleep in a different bed (due to one of his famous silent treatments, they had a son together, and I can’t imagine how that was for the boy and his wife. We had a joke situation where we go into a fancy resturant and he asks for oatmeal… Not having any the matradee is flusterd, where as my dearest flys into a rage standing up screeming, G@D D@MIT !!! and turning over the table water goblets and fine cutlery flying up and then to come clattering to the floor! Humorus and ridiculous yes but we both knew it was in the complete scope of possibility …. he told me once that he was a meglomaniac… Omg and he really, really was. I compleatly miss, and love him, and that’s just how it is….

  • This describes my father to a “T.” One time when I was around 10 years old, he flew into a rage because I pulled my little brother’s tooth for him (he was begging me to do it.) Father said to leave him alone, but I did it anyway. Control. He had to control every aspect of our lives. He yelled and thrashed through the house, slamming doors and making threats to me. I remember sitting on my bed, trembling, white as a sheet and dizzy. I was terrified. I just stayed in my room the rest of the night trying to be invisible. I walked on eggshells around him. I always tried to be invisible when he was around, but he always found me. And when he did, he made my life miserable.

    Jealousy. My husband and I traveled to CA for my grandmother’s funeral (my father’s mother). He had never met my husband and we had been married for only a little over a year at the time. This was about 20 years ago. I tried my best to explain my dad to my husband. I knew he was sick and very weird, but at the time I had no idea about Narcissism or Sociopathic behavior. I just knew something was very wrong with him and I had very little to do with him. But I thought he might like to see pictures of my house, so I brought some pics with me. I handed him the pics. He flipped through them quickly, handed them back to me and stated that he had always wanted a brick home, which is what we had. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I thought he might be happy for me and proud. Nope. He was just jealous and showed it.

    Years later, he fell on hard times and was dropping none too subtle hints about moving in with me and having me take care of him because I owed him. I knew that was never going to happen, but he persisted for about a year with the strong hints. If I had submitted, and allowed him to live with us, he would have taken over our lives, our home, and ruined us. I could not have that.

    To make conversation with him on the phone, I told him of a side business I was doing which generated some nice side income. Stupid me! He figured out a way to manipulate some money out of me. A loan. I knew at the time he would probably never pay it back, but I fell for his line. Oddly enough, he did pay it back, but only because he had received a small inheritance when his father died. That inheritance is another story, but basically he manipulated the inheritance to be given to him, when none had been allocated to him by his half-siblings.

    So, I finally cut off contact with him for years. My brother had also. Then, two years ago, he ended up in the hospital, quite ill. He had his girlfriend call me; something that had never happened before. So, I was quite alarmed. I thought this was “it” and he was leaving this world. So, I broke No Contact and called him. First call went fine. More calls to follow made me realize that he was using his health situation to get me back into his life. It worked temporarily. But, when I would try to get information about his health, he would not talk about it. He always diverted the conversation to other topics and I realized I had been duped. So, now I am back to No Contact.

    He didn’t like that. He even called the local police department where I live and asked them to come by and do a welfare check on me because he had not been able to reach me on the phone. That was so humiliating! I then blocked his phone number and his girlfriend’s, in case he used her phone. I had to explain everything to the police officer. He was kind and understanding and had told us that my dad had called them several times. The officer finally got it stopped. When that failed, he called all the churches in my town until he found ours. He called the pastor and asked, more like demanded, that he get involved and force me to call him. That failed too. Then the love bombing started with cards and gifts being sent. Still going on. I have quite the pile of unopened cards and gifts. So does my brother.

    Years ago I had written him to explain my stance. Nope, wasn’t acceptable and I was told so. In fact, we needed to talk more often, according to him. I realized, finally, that you cannot explain their hurtful behavior to them. They don’t get it. And furthermore, they don’t care how you feel.

    There are many more stories and more background, but suffice it to say that the only way to have peace with a Narc is to protect yourself and your loved ones by going No Contact. It feels wrong when you first do it, because you are a nice person who doesn’t do things like this. But it gets easier. And websites like this one really help reinforce what you know and what you know you should do.

  • My boss was the worst. I walked out of a great job after 14 years because I could not take it anymore , he was the owner . Goid riddance in my book. Now I look for the signs .

  • Am I such a worthless person that I had the misfortune to love a narcissist. Coming in and out of my life constantly. I know now that the man is mentally ill but that does not detract the way he loved me, dropped me, loved me etc . I sometimes think that I can feel his pain but then I remember what he did and all I feel then is sorry that he carries this burden and will till the end of his days. I am with a kind, loving man now and so glad to be out of that dysfunctional set up.

  • It’s a great thing that he let you be, you can move on and on time your heart will heal, usually when a person hurts you a better one will come along, but until then work on your self do things positive. Start receiving some type of support family friends. Be thankful, I’m trying to get out of a relationship with the narc and it seems hard we even have a child together and I was just about to get married to him until I started doing my research. You got it good I wish it was a walk in a park. He just won’t leave me alone all ways saying he loves me and he’s with the Lord. I’m trusting the Lord for deliverance I’m never looking back his way, it’s hard to say that because of our child. But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me….restart your life and recognize the signs first of its too good to be true, pray about your marriage our desire is to be married…

  • I spent seven years with a NPD. His father is also a NPD. It was bad, but horrifying when I moved into his house. He kept so many things secret until I was in his house. He is a probation officer and actually quite good at his job, but anyone who lives with him, such as his ex-wife and daughter, are also on probation.

    The rages were one of the most damaging aspects of his NPD personality. He had stamina! He would jump up and down on the floors and rage for twenty or more minutes shouting, “I am not abusive!” It was like watching a toddler. He did get physical with me at times, but the most damaging outbursts included denying what happened, calling me crazy, etc.

    I have a serious illness: multiple sclerosis. Hence I do live in public housing now. I am surrounded by so many emotionally damaged people. I cannot interact with my own immediate neighbors. This NPD must be quite a common disorder I think. Is it more so in American culture? Has it just been unfortunate I have had to deal with a number of NPDs?

  • Hi I’m Justin.
    And I have possibly been in a relationship with a narcissistic woman.

    It’s sent me slightly mad.

    Here are a few things she said:
    ( all within the space of a few weeks too)

    Obviously at the beginning we have the love bombing faze. 1 st date she said I was the man she was gonna marry. Date 3 said she loved me. Then I was her soul mate. I’m her best friend. We got a connection like never before. We have so much in common. She said we are like the same person. We will never find this again. And suggesting we move in together real soon. And I understand her where no one else has. ( all within first 2/3 weeks)

    Great right?

    Well then the strange behaviour starts. ( week 4/5)

    Telling me in detail about all her previous relationships and that everyone has hit her cheated on her let her down give up on her.

    Terrible violet arguments with all her exs.

    Explaining to me in detail about how many times she had cheated. Where she was who she was with why she did it etc etc. ( too much information)

    Saying she trusts no one and does not give a damn about any of her friends they all have their own agenda and she trusts none of them.

    Saying it’s always her way or the highway as she is a control freak.

    Saying she will never back down and never lose and if anyone manages to get one over on her she might not get them back today might not be tomorrow but she will get you.

    Saying that in an argument she must push her partner to breaking limits to establish control to see who is the dominant and and see who can get the upper hand.

    Then asking me who I feel as control in our relationship? ( like after 5 weeks this is relevant)

    She says that in relationships she breaks men down over time. By pushing them. Finding out what bothers them and pushing it. And when she breaks them she just laughs at them and says your not strong enough to be with me. I don’t want you any more.

    Telling me she gets bored of people very easily and can easily throw it away.

    Telling me she is a born con artist and can lie her way out of anything to get what she wants.

    Telling me she can have any of her exs back if she chooses. Tell me that when Out in town men follow her around all night. Telling me that On holiday everyone just stares at her and she been to the hospital twice and both doctors have tried it on with her. ( yawn)

    Not to mention. Constant conversation hogging I can’t get a word in. And when I do shes clearly not listening most of the time. Seems to constantly be right. Does it seem to be interested in my input or opinion. Never wrong nothings her fault and says she’s never done anything wrong to anyone in her life, it’s everyone else that has let her down.

    When I bring up her behaviour I’m confronted with an argument or I’m overreacting or I’m being too sensitive.

    Her parents are jealous of her
    Her brothers are jealous of her
    My friend Anna is jealous of her
    I ( apparently) feel inferior compared to her.

    Seems like she feels others are disrespecting her when she does not get what she wants.

    Can get very funny and argumentative when dissatisfied in the bedroom.

    And finally arguing with this woman is the worst thing I’ve ever had to endure. No apology will work. No reasoning no compromise. I’m either lying full of crap she does not believe me I’m fake etc etc.

    To name but a few things.
    I could continue. Lol.

    Err help!!!!!!

    Am I crazy??

    Am I being over sensitive?

    Am I overreacting?

    I would love to have your opinion.

    Thank you so much.


  • Hi All and Justin,

    I have similar situation with NPD woman. It’s destructive relationship, get your boundaries back and leave.

    I’ve been with this woman for 2 years and 1 year of distance relationship.

    I was so needy in meeting my soulmate after previous relationship with NPD. As I understood it was after current relationship.

    I usually have easy to spot people who does not right for me, kind of God feeling. But this one catched me like real predator.

    She made me to believe that we are soulmates, no actually twin flames. This stage is was amazing, we understood each other like I never did with anybody.

    Couple of month later the real person started to come to surface, slowly so that I will not notice that. But inner feeling does not vanish it saves in the memory of the soul.

    She dessapers when she wants without even explane why, where… Later on I was blamed that I was unstable
    and all is my fault when I asked her. I’ve started to work on my emotions but it was manipulation trick to shut your down.

    Constant on the phone and chatting with people, this people does not even have names on her phone, only
    phone number. Probably she has good memory who she texts to.

    Moved into her country into her place, before we would move int together somewhere. Here is the pains
    starts. Constant fights with her and I always wrong. Constant devaluation of your personality, name, interests,
    what ever good you have it will be criticised. The way that it’s all your faults. There is nothing right what you
    can do. Diversions, projections and crazy making.

    I started to shift my behaviour from nice person to bad, started to changing my personality just to try figure
    out what personality I can be just to receive a little of love and empathy. Here is the point where you losing
    your self.

    We moved in together. Part where non of my needs was accepted from colour of the table to where my
    things will be placed. Constant busy with work, chat with friends. Only needs you when she needs you or
    when you starting to be stronger. Any attempt to be better, end up with devaluation of you, shouting or
    what ever she can do to make you feed bad.

    I started to feel very lonely even if I was with her or not. Started to drink, more and more. Actually needed
    more when I was with here. She put in my mind that it’s only me who needs to work on the realtionship as
    she is perfect.

    There is triggered my brain to really look deep in side of me and analyse that there is something wrong.
    Started with YouTube and read articles, I even did not knew that such people existed as I thought that
    it was all me.

    This dynamic was so toxic and I could not handle this anymore.

    1. Pull and Push games.
    2. Sex is like you are hers vibrator without any emotions and intimacy.
    2. Never stable sex, sometimes in the month without it.
    4. Angry without reasons on you.
    5. You helping with everything but not getting help back. (You are the men and can do it your self)
    6. Covered provocation to make you crazy
    7. Her flying monkeys: Mother, Work, Friends whoever she can find just to convince that I’m mental and crazy.
    8. Dissertation and confusion making when you are getting stronger.
    9. Domestic violens
    10. Excuse to take responsibility as: “You leave in the past”.

    I made the decision to leave. Here the real
    game starts:

    1. Constant call and text.
    2. Text what has no information just devaluation of you and your chooses. Make you doubt yourself.
    3. Miscarriage.
    4. Play nice .
    5. Make you feel that she who I’ve met is back.
    6. Taking you back with sexual attraction and you cannot stay to not have sex.
    6. Soulmates again for 2 weeks.
    7. All starts again.

    It’s never ending cycle. There is more to write, maybe I can write a book about that in the future.
    I started to work on my self just to not trap in this again as I was planing to move on real.

    I left again and leave with friends. Nuclear attack started. I hope that I will not comeback anymore as
    I felt that I better die then continuum this relationship.

    I share my experience for you so you RUN as soon as possible otherwise it will be hard. Even if you have
    believe that person will change. It’s not going to happen. No meter what they say or do it’s all falsification
    just go get supply back.

    • Same with me, exact same. Their attitudes and actions are text book by the numbers. I only lost nine months of my life and the $2600 in rent receipts in my wallet one day. Of coarse all the other constant things she considered meaningless.

      I consider myself fortunate.

  • It is good to know I am not alone
    Been through this with a N (Malignant) though in my case I knew or rather suspected from the start
    Run. Run and never look back.
    Don’t hate them, they are miserable and they will always be miserable
    No person who throws away love for cheap thrills (sex) can be happy

  • my kids mom has this condition I use to pay child support once it ended she went to the crazy house lol. after all the brainwashing she did to the child I had with her. now the child doesn’t feel anything for me after all the times I have lend a had to that child. it doesn’t matter what happens to any of them all I know her mom is in the crazy house just a matter of time her daughter will follow the mothers foot steps. her brother told me she cracked around the time I stop paying childsupport. she thought she had control over me because of childsupport… a mistake not using a .70 cents condom cost me 70k of mistake support but I got the last laugh. good luck with any of you dealing with a individual with this diagnosis.

  • Help! I’m just learning about the narcissistic tendencies of my live in boyfriend! We have been together for 5 years, and I cannot and will not take the emotional bad physical abuse any longer! He yells out loudly to my kids, telling them that I cheat on him and sleep with other men. I’m finding that everything he says against me is everything HE does! How do I escape??!! Kat

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