Last Updated on February 23, 2023 by Alexander Burgemeester
You’re tired of feeling disrespected by the narcissist in your life, and you’ve realized that arguing back and forth isn’t working.
You might decide to ignore the narcissist because you want to establish boundaries in your relationship. Or you may just feel so frustrated by their behavior that you need time to regroup with your thoughts.
In some cases, ignoring a narcissist can be a great idea, especially if you hold firm with your limits. Other times, it causes even more drama and agony. This article will dive into everything you need to know.
Key Points you will learn from this article:
Narcissists don’t react well to being ignored and often try to punish the person ignoring them.
Ignoring a narcissist may result in them trying to get your attention through various means, including apologizing and begging for forgiveness or smearing you to others.
If you want a narcissist to go away, you must ignore them consistently and permanently, or they will likely try to hoover you back into their life.
9 Things That Happen When You Ignore a Narcissist
First things first- a narcissist doesn’t react well to being ignored. In fact, they absolutely hate it.
Narcissists thrive on validation and attention from others. It’s how they feel powerful. Being ignored has the opposite effect. When someone isn’t stroking their ego or fulfilling their narcissistic supply, they tend to feel threatened and insecure.
Ignoring, in many ways, represents a serious personal attack. To a narcissist, this represents a form of punishment, and they will often try to punish you back in the following ways:
#1 They Will Keep Trying to Get Your Attention
Some narcissists just react to being ignored by pretending it isn’t happening. They will keep talking or texting you as if everything is exactly the same.
This is, of course, an incredibly frustrating form of gaslighting. For example, you’re actively trying to not be on speaking terms, and they’re acting like everything is going just well!
This might feel confusing, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that the narcissist is just being naive. Acting oblivious is just another way narcissists try to manipulate others into believing they are the true victims.
#2 They Will Apologize and Beg For Forgiveness
If you’ve never ignored the narcissist before, don’t be surprised if they suddenly begin groveling for your forgiveness once they realize you really aren’t talking to them.
This is the time a narcissist is most likely to try to win you over with grandiose promises. They’ll offer to go to therapy. They’ll tell you they’re finally ready for marriage or children. They’ll promise to never act this way again.
Keep in mind these types of apologies or promises aren’t made out of genuine guilt. While it’s true that some narcissists feel some remorse, they’re far more interested in self-preservation and maintaining their usual status quo.
Narcissists don’t change overnight, and they know how to manipulate people to get what they want. And what they want is power and control. If they need to apologize and beg for that, that’s exactly what they will do.
#3 They Will Try to Make You Even More Angry
Negative attention beats no attention at all, so some narcissists will react to being ignored by doubling down on their petty behavior. They want to give you something to complain about.
If you’re upset about a certain action of theirs, they’ll increase how often they do it. For example, if you felt mad that they carelessly spent so much money at the bar last weekend, they’ll double the amount next weekend.
#4 They Will Feign a Crisis
Suddenly their mom is in the hospital. Or they suspect their dog has cancer. Or their boss has called them in for a last-minute meeting and they’re probably getting fired.
Emergencies absolutely happen, but pay attention to the timing. Narcissists play close attention to other people’s vulnerabilities. In addition, most of them tend to attract people with heightened empathy levels.
And so, if they sense you’ve pulled away, they might pull this seemingly innocent response,
Hey, I know you’re not speaking to me right now, and I totally get that, but I just wanted to let you know I’m in the hospital. I was having chest pains all last night, and they don’t really know what’s going on. Getting some tests now.
Generally speaking, these messages will sound just vague enough to pique your attention. However, they won’t contain excessive details because a real emergency probably isn’t happening!
#5 They Will Try to Make You Jealous
In a similar vein to trying to make you angry, some narcissists will also try to make you jealous when you ignore them.
For example, they might pretend to be unfazed by your actions. Then, they will go out that night, get very drunk and post a bunch of suspicious pictures of them having fun with strangers. The hope is that you’ll see what they’re doing and feel jealous about it.
#6 They Will Smear You
Many narcissists engage in smearing to reassign blame and even make themselves look like the victims. They want to protect their own narrative about what happened.
And so, they’ll try to convince your friends, family members, neighbors (basically anyone who will give them the time of day) how terrible you were to them. They may use some version of the truth, but they might also lie outright.
Smearing, of course, can be devastating, and some of the ramifications can be permanent. You can’t prevent the narcissist from doing it, so it’s very important to reassess who you trust in life.
When you’re involved with a narcissist, it’s always a good idea to be careful of what you share with mutual friends. You never know how the narcissist might try to influence them.
#7 They Will Threaten You
If a narcissist senses that you’re really pulling away, they might try to exploit your weaknesses. They’ll threaten to hurt you in some way, whether that’s threatening to drag you down in court (if you’re married) or take your kids away from you.
In more serious cases, they may also threaten to hurt themselves or end their lives. The goal here is all about making you feel guilty. They want you to come back to them, and they don’t want you to have anything “over” them.
#8 They Will Reach Out to Others
Narcissists often respond to being ignored by approaching the other people in your life. They may call your friends and family members to express their concern about your well-being.
When this happens, they’ll either downplay or avoid sharing about their malicious part in the dynamic and solely focus on you.
For example, they might call your mom and say something like,
I’m just so worried about her. She’s not talking to me right now, but I think it’s because her drinking has gotten so bad again. I just want to help, but I can’t help her if she won’t let me in. It truly breaks my heart.
They’re hoping that your loved ones will reach out to you, which will make you feel guilty or compelled to respond to them again.
#9 They Will Ignore You Back
Many narcissists respond to ignoring by ignoring back. They don’t want to be seen as needy or emotional, so they’ll focus their efforts elsewhere in the meantime.
It’s very common for narcissists to cheat on their partners during periods of ignoring. It’s a way they can seemingly prove to you (and to themselves) that they don’t need the relationship.
If you want to read more about this, I suggest you read my article about why Narcissists ignore you.
What Happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Text?
Ignoring a narcissist’s text can be just as effective as ignoring them in real life. Texting provides narcissists with even more opportunities to be conniving or abusive.
Then, they can deny their intention by simply claiming you’re “reading too much into things.”
Here are some ways a narcissist might react to being ignored over text:
Rage
I know what you’re doing. You’re acting like such a ____.
How dare you ignore me!
What do you think your problem is?
If a narcissist senses their texts are being ignored, they might react in a fit of narcissistic rage.
Remember that narcissists like to control the narrative at all times. If someone else has the power (even if it’s very brief), they can’t tolerate the discomfort.
Ignoring a Narcissist can really Piss them off…
Anxiety
Hey, are you ok? Haven’t heard from you?
What’s going on?
It’s me. Can you call me?
Narcissists can also respond anxiously when they notice you’re ignoring their texts. This may be more common in cases of vulnerable narcissism, a type of narcissism that’s far more covert in nature.
These types of narcissists often present as shy or insecure, but underneath that demeanor is a high-level of self-absorption, smugness, passive-aggressive behavior, and an inability to accept feedback.
The anxiety emerges due to fear. The narcissist fundamentally knows something is wrong, and they want to quickly smooth things over to avoid you being “on” to them.
Obsessiveness
Obsessiveness is an even more dramatic form of anxiety. This can look like sending you dozens of text messages in a row. It can also look like showing up at your front door because they were “so worried” they hadn’t heard from you in a few days.
Obsessiveness can quickly spiral into stalking behavior, and narcissists will rationalize it under the guise that they care so much about you.
If you sense that a narcissist might be stalking you, it’s very important to seek support. Stand your ground and do not talk to them again.
If you’re trying to end the relationship altogether, block and delete them from your email and all social media accounts.
Desperation
Look, I’m really sorry for what I said last night!
Babe, please text me back. I love you.
Let’s just talk about this, ok? We can work this out.
Desperation is a more subtle form of anxiety. The narcissist tries to use guilt-induced tactics to convince you that they made a mistake and they feel remorseful about it.
Even if they know the desperation might come across as pathetic, they’re willing to pull this angle if they have the slightest belief that it will work.
How do you recognize a text from a Narcissist? See my article about 11 typical examples of Narcissist text messages.
FAQ
Will a Narcissist Go Away if You Ignore Them?
It depends.
At first, they probably won’t take you ignoring them very seriously. This is especially true if you’re in the early stages of a relationship. It’s also true if you’ve tried ignoring them in the past, only to go back to talking very quickly.
Keep in mind that narcissists often change their tactics in response to being ignored. They always want to keep other people on their toes. Mixing things up makes them unpredictable, and they thrive on others feeling nervous around them.
If you really want the narcissist to go away, you have to ignore them indefinitely. You have to end all contact with them- or go as low-contact as possible.
If you can consistently and permanently take that approach, they can and will move on. Once they can’t get anything from you, they’ll look for a new person to fulfill their narcissistic supply.
That doesn’t mean they won’t still try to hoover you back into their life, but the intensity of their actions will likely die down.
Want to know more? 15 Hoovering Examples used by the Narcissist
What Does the Silent Treatment Do to a Narcissist?
Silent treatment is an intentional form of ignoring. You’re literally not talking to them, even if they’re talking directly to you.
Silent treatment enrages a narcissist. They have no problem ignoring others, but when someone gives them a taste of their own medicine, they become infuriated.
You can expect any combination of narcissistic rage, false apologies, dramatic gestures, and smearing campaigns.
Why Is It Better to Not Respond to a Narcissist?
Narcissists often view basic interactions as transactional, so even their closest relationships are all about what they can “get” from the other person.
Although a narcissist might think they truly love someone, their love is disillusioned by their own false self and ego. They fall in love with the projected fantasy of who someone else can be.
Unfortunately, reality can never quite match this fantasy. Even though you may have felt incredibly loved at the beginning of your relationship, narcissists move through predictable stages in their relationships.
They start with love bombing, but once they realize that someone else isn’t perfect, the devaluing phase begins. Soon, you’ll find yourself caught in the vicious narcissistic cycle of abuse.
If you want to completely remove yourself from this heartache, letting go of the relationship altogether is probably your best bet.
Do You Want To Know More?
- What Happens when you confront a Narcissist with the truth?
- How Does the Narcissist feel about No Contact?
- Did you know that Dating a Narcissist changes you?
- How to get child custody from a Narcissist?
I have also noticed narcissistic behavior in soldiers after basic training. I wonder, if a soldier was humiliated so badly in basic training that afterward, he would hide his alleged underachievement by his exaggerated worth?
OMG! You just described what happened to my sister! She was always arrogant and narcissistic, but after basic, she was a full blown sociopathic narcissist! It was bizarre! She came home and immediately set about lying about everything from her rank to her IQ and even her shoe size, lol. Its been almost thirty years and she’s still cracked.
That’s because a soldier is trained to kill. Just like the narc “kills” with the silent treatment.
I wish my narc would ignore ME.
I’m a newby with this narc b.s. I never knew what this was and when I put 2+2 together, I realized I married a narc.We dated over 40 years ago and found each other on Facebook, and married last year. I started remembering his bragging persona when we were teens, and that +40 year seperation didn’t change. Long story short, I’ve learned to ignore my narc. When he starts a conversation about how great he is at work and how much people are jealous, I just act bored, because when I try to tell him about my day, he has nothing to say, then he respond with a smart ass remark, that’s when I really pretend he don’t exist. By days end, he’s trying to talk sweet and make light talk, complementing me, trying to hug me, but I only respond with a few “uh” and he’ll ask over an over” you mad, you OK”?
I wish the narc in my life could just die
I’ve been with my husband 30 + years. He’s the definition of a narc with bipolar disorder. My life has been a rollercoaster of abuse. Our kids have had to live this way also. Now they have graduated from
College and have great careers. I need to find a way out. I watch a lot of forensic files! He is is soo ruthless. I can’t handle the thoughts that go threw my head anymore. What to do?….
Same to me. I filled for divorce. I have a nightmare of a year but i have hopes it will be end soon. I die a bit every day.
Stay strong and whatever happen just don’t judge yourself. My psychotherapist told me “you can’t leave a narcissistic, you must run away”.
You get away, I went through hell for over 8 years, I kept sweeping his psychopathic behaviour under the rug, he told me to my face that he didn’t care about those dinners I did, and that I could put the ring he got me on my big toe, for all he cared..??!! I went to go start my truck ( to leave him for the last time) and he locked me out of his house..
I haven’t returned… and I’m never going back….
He’s got the balls to say” good morning “. When I see him at work….. I just keep walking
I finally grabbed some brains, and I will never be treated like that again…
For your mental health, you need to get away from him…
Sue
No. Narcissism does not describe what happens to soldiers, especially those who have seen combat. Most I have seen have some degree of PTSD–some may even become suicidal. Diagnosing somebody based on what you read on a website is stupid and dangerous–none of the people in this thread–or perhaps even the writer of this article–have the expertise or training necessary to clinically diagnose a person. If you are that worried about the way military service affected your sister, perhaps you should try to help her access resources that will help her, instead of talking crap about her on a website. Or perhaps you are the narcissist, and not her?
Hmm sounds like this person hit a nerve with you No one really knows who her sister is do we?
But how closely related are PTSD and narcissism? My ex has all the symptoms of C-PTSD after an extremely prolonged abusive childhood, but also all the symptoms of a narcissist and a psychopath. Has anyone noticed a connection?
Many soldiers do come home with PTSD, that’s where it was first discovered, so perhaps there is some link….
I think this is very insightful. While I’m not an expert, I just exited a severely abusive relationship with a narcissist with c-ptsd. ALSO having signs of psychopathy. I have a degree in psychology but it didn’t give me nearly the experience as first hand did. My take on it is their need to “compartmentalize ” the pain, shame and guilt into a box they keep very guarded. PTSD seems like it is similar to experiencing “exposed nerves” from trauma, so the narcissism and psychopathy protect them from feeling so raw and vulnerable. Narcissism as a desperate attempt to protect their ego, and psychopathy is the guillotine severing their previous overwhelming guilt and shame. Just some thoughts I’ve had.
PTSD and NPD are nowhere near the same you moron. Seriously you need to see a shrink yourself. How disgusting a person must you be to try to connect a trauma victim to narcissism. Newsflash, victims of narcissism usually suffer PTSD!! Stop watching movies that make soldiers the enemy and grow a brain.
I’m going to assume that you misread both my statement and Natalie’s, Jason. Neither of us mentioned PTSD-and I AM familiar with it, btw. Natalie stated that she had seen personality changes in people after basic, and wondered if a person who was humiliated in training would come out exaggerating their worth. I said I’d seen the same thing in my sister when she came out of basic training-she was narcissistic BEFORE basic, but basic made it worse. She doesn’t have PTSD, she never saw combat, she barely made it through basic before getting kicked out-but to hear her tell it, she’s a combat hero and kicked a** at everything.
I was sixteen when she got out of basic, so I couldn’t exactly force her to go to a shrink, and our parents couldn’t bear the thought that their Golden Child would lie to them, so they certainly weren’t going to press the issue. I have tried, in the past, to get her to go to therapy, even going so far as to present her with iron-clad evidence of her lies and telling her no one is buying her s**t anymore. She simply ignores the evidence, and then goes out of her way to try to make me out to be the “crazy” one. Thankfully, most people really don’t buy her crap anymore, so she can’t do much damage to anyone but herself.
I’m not sure where you get that I’m talking crap about her. I haven’t used her name in any posts, this isn’t my real name, I haven’t even provided any identifying information someone could use to sniff out her identity…so how do you imply that I’m a narc? Narcs LIKE to identify their targets. Kinda like how narcs like to play, “Perhaps you are the narcissist, and not her?” Hmm?
I used to date a f**ken Narc for 2 years. She was bat sh*t crazy ! She did most of u described ! And now i work with a narc , he’s my supervisor at work and he went crazy when i ignored him. Now he’s weary of me and leaves me alone.he’s obsessed with himself. He’s a real jerk..
I was in the military at a young age. I am 46 now and had a relationship with a malignant narcissist.
Bootcamp there is some brainwashing. So one would come out of bootcamp a victim not a narcissist.
I temembet when I first got out of bootcamp I was kind of fearful of the outside world. Once I got into schooling and in the regular military those feelings subsided. So I can defiantly see combat personnel with PTSD
Now I was very psychologically and mentally abused by my ex narc it was a nightmare and for a time I believe I developed PTSD. We lived by his mother also who was one and they fed off each other. So I was their victim. Once I got away from that those symptoms subsided. I really did not start healing until I knew and understood what he was!!!! The sickness of this individual!!!!
Bootcamp does not make a narcissist!!!
Your opinion doesn’t out way someone’s experience with a personality disordered individual -most narcissist won’t even go to get an evaluation by a psychologist to get a diagnoses they don’t believe they have anything wrong with them & though victim survivors can not clinically diagnose we sure can from experience diagnose & better because that is a major factor in getting away from the abuse and saving your life – a relationship with a narcissist also causes severe ptsd or c-ptsd.
I believe many of us who have endured the wrath of a narcissist have researched, read and studied so much on disorders it’s almost like having a Ph.D. – I know I sure did. I buried my two brothers and by far the relationship with the narc was more devastating and destructive it’s taken years for me to recover from it and still working on recovery, healing and rebuilding.
I am trying to crawl…
you find answers based on what you’re going through in life, that’s why they say to research it to find out if it applies to what you’re going through, if it doesn’t apply let it fly…
my husband for some reason told me about some of his training for special opps. they basically traumatize the soldier to create alter personalities which can and will carry out tremendous and horrid tasks. it is one thing dealing with his childhood trauma quite another dealing with the alter personality. war really is hell.
I know what you mean when you say about this I was dated by a guy whom was an ex marine whom told me terrible stories. I think the marines changed him but he is definitely a narc whom only considers he’s own needs! I felt used and abused by him. The pull he had on me was terrible I struggle to not respond as he knows how to manipulate Me. It will take time to get my life back to normal. I felt totally brainwashed as I was often told how much he cared before he’s controlling behaviour would start. My needs clearly never mattered. Very often he would play the victim and he would blame he’s experience in the marines for he’s destructive behaviour especially with he’s excessive drinking that was blamed on he’s job, he’s home life and our atguements! I’m trying hard now to steer clear of him!
Charlotte – You have just described my exact situation. I am in the process of going no contact and “gray rocking” him. My ex narc is also in the military and manipulated me big time into thinking he had issues because of it. I could never figure it out because he was deployed to a very nuetral country. Come to find out he was using the whole I’m in the military to only get girls. He is a sick and twisted person, alcoholic, sex addict. Even found him on craigs list. I’m trying to figure out if he was abused when he was younger. He was the child of an alcoholic. I feel your pain, this narc destroyed me from his lies and manipulation and now I’m in therapy. I could go on forever about this guy.
If I found out that my bf, if I had a bf, used to br in the army, or is a cop, I’ll tell him: “I’ll gladly comfort you, but if you start justifying shitty behaviour with your job, I’m out!”
I have a stepdad like this. Even tho he yelled “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU!” At me, my mom was justifyinh that behaviour. Now she realized that he’s a horrible person and is trying to put pressure on him so he moves out. He stopped destroying my little sister’s tech, and now basically just doesn’t talk to anyone in the house, but I’m sure as hell he’ll start the love bombing again soon.
my stepdad tried to hire a hitman on me, it didn’t succeed, my relationship has flying monkeys who do anything he says as he smears my name and tries to control my interest in him by sending me to the crazy house which makes me dislike him and mistrust him even more so. Good thing this one wasn’t in the military. I think some people just join the military just to learn how to mess up other people’s lives. if I didn’t have a child in the picture I would have been out of state or out of the country, but I have to grow through it along with my child who has similar dealings with this one, so I’m doing all the research I can to encourage my child to be a decent human being so he can have a healthier lifestyle. At the same time I’m trying to improve my handling of the encounters.
Three months ago, I ended my relationship with my narcissistic ex. He had been emotionally and sexually abusive, and had terrified me with his rages. I felt like I was dying – physically, emotionally and spiritually. With help (professional and personal,) I found the strength to break free.
I ended the relationship by sending a text message and I told him that I didn’t want any further contact from him. As soon as I’d sent the text, I called my service provider and had my number changed. I don’t know if he replied or tried to call as my new number was in service within minutes. He hasn’t tried to make contact in any other way (ie by email or in person.)
When we were together, I told him that I’d done NC with previous exes. He always made a point of saying that I wouldn’t have to do that with him because he wouldn’t stick around where he wasn’t wanted. For that reason, I feel confident that he won’t contact me. I believe that in his mind, not trying to contact me is a way of showing that he is superior to other men who had to be silenced.
I’d appreciate any thoughts on whether or not he may contact me.
I think he may try to get in touch. But you need to look out for your own needs, not his. You need to build up your resilience and do NOT be tempted under any circumstances to have him back, even though some feelings will rise up in sympathy of him, maybe, from time to time. Just move on. Swiftly. Don’t waste even a minute dwelling on him. Live LIFE! Good luck
I have a strong feeling he will. Its just a matter of time and circumstance in regards to other narcissistic supply. If he is able to get his supply elsewhere and have it last, then you may not hear from him for months, even years but that doesn’t mean he’s moved on and forgotten about you. You are in his mental warehouse just incase all other avenues fail and he needs you for old supply. He probably has others in that warehouse and when the chips are down, he casts his fishing net wide and takes whoever bites first. My ex does this often but he hasn’t got any other supplies, that match up to me in looks, personality and unfortunately, perceived gullibility. This is why he continues to come back. I can’t let him go because I truly still care about him and I think he could be prone to suicide. However, Im learning to keep him at a distance where he can’t hurt me but I can still help him. I wouldn’t suggest this approach for all unless you are strong enough to deal with them.
vabelle, i am in an almost identical situation with my ex gf. if you read this at some point and you have a moment, my email is manos200119@yahoo.com. i have a couple questions, maybe you can give me some advice. thank you.
Um my ex just tried again its been 4 yrs since I ended it… But he still tries to stalk me ..because I left him and he can not handel that he needs to feed his ego by making contact and still feeling he has control over me….fyi.. I never respond or even aknowledge his attempt shut 4 yrs later he’s still trying
He never will until he finds another supply. I was with a narc for 17 years, he was a textbook case of someone with NPD and I finally left him for good in 2004. We have children together so I couldn’t end contact, but still tried to avoid any contact that didn’t precisely have to do with the children. He has never stopped trying to convince me to take him back or blowing up my phone with angry texts and voice mails When I refuse or ignore his attempts. I immediately delete them to avoid feeling the need to respond. The only time I get a break from him is when he’s seeing someone else, ie, another supplier. Unfortunately these relationships are short-lived, because these woman have the good sense to leave as soon as he exposes his pathological narc behaviour, and then he goes right back to annoying and harassing me again. Until your narc finds someone else to stroke his ego he will most likely continue to pursue you. Though narcs hate being ignored, that’s the best way to deal with them because any response, whether positive or negative supplies them with enough fuel to continue their destructive behaviour.
If I was in your place, I would go no contact and hope he’d kill himself. At least that way, he can’t hurt anyone anymore.
The thing that Narcissists and sperms have in common is that both have only a one in 3 million chance to become a human.
Trust me, he will. I broke up with my ex-N in June 2014. Went no contact. He quickly moved on to a new supply within a month, professing his love for her. Long story short, it ended in February this year. I’m not sure of any of the details, the new supply and I have mutual friends.
Low and behold, out of the blue, 9 months after no contact, this jack wagon shows up on my doorstep, mid-March. All clean, showered, shaved, and smelling good. He evidently thought I would welcome him back with open arms.
They never get it. He was proficient at wearing a loving, gentle, intelligent mask, masqueraded as a good Christian with my best interests at heart. As soon as I saw the mask slip, I ended it.
He’s broken. You can’t fix him. Continue to work on you. The person I fell in love with DID NOT EXIST. He is destined to drive along this same road over and over and over again, picking up new supply each time. It will always end badly.
Consider it lesson learned, and move forward. It will hurt, and you need to grieve the end of the relationship.
But my money’s on his either showing back up, or contacting you. It’s their m.o.
Good luck and be strong!
The exact same thing happened to me. Mine went to jail for domestic abuse for 6 or so months. Within the month of the split up he was “so in love” with his next victim. “She stood by me the entire time I was in jail”. And it is “your” fault I was there to begin with. We share a child who is completely terrified of him and after 18 months of NC he wants to be a dad but only on his terms and I refuse. I am following the court order. His new girlfriend doesn’t like it so now he has chosen to ignore his child to make her happy. To me sounds like bird of a feather…. I refuse to let him control me any more. I spent too many years under his control and I will not do that any more. I would feel sorry for his new victim too of she hadn’t been so awful to me. I had to learn the hard way, evidently she wants to learn that way too. I am done with the whole thing. Blame me, that’s fine, I know it is not my fault and have decided to go NC again. Seems to be for the best
I had no idea. He said that he was away/traveled for work, I didn’t know until just reading this post that he was in jail for domestic violence when you went to NC. All I knew was that a child was conceived while “he was away.” Since I was born with a neurological disorder aka Asperger’s syndrome, I’m very trusting and naive; it never occurs to me that people lie so often. Also being an empath as well, I’ve become aware that I have been a target for people like this my entire life. I’m thankful that I read these comments, and I hope you have healed from the trauma you suffered. I’m still trying to heal. Stay safe and blessed 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Spot-on. And I admire your healthy attitude and resolve; well-done on moving on and seeing the situation so clearly.
I broke up with my narc in January. First he showed up at my door about a water bottle. I almost threw it at his head as I was still mad. But instead I gave him the bottle and yelled get out! He left and immediately tried called but was already blocked.
I have received a few emails. They go into my spam folder. I could have received more but I don’t check much.
Last week I got a “strictly business” email from him. Sometimes it takes me a few days to delete but I NEVER EVER Contact him. I think I get off in him contacting me like “oh do u miss me? Tough shit man”. That sounds bad but after 2 years of abuse moving on without him – is like winning the greatest prize ever!
And I have moved on, just met a great guy.
You sound like you have a problem if your the one going nc all the time on people
You sound like a narcissist. There are certain types of people that draw certain types of people. Gullible (kindly or sincere) people tend to fall prey to abusers and abusers sense these things in there victims. When they feel they have them where they want them (emotionally) they begin to show their true colors. Maybe you see something in the mirror resembling yourself?
That is exactly right! And they have a strong nose for detecting those that are high in empathy and they sense thise of us who have been wounded in the past. Granted, this is a problem for us as we need to develop better skills at detecting these wolves in wheels clothing. And we have to go against our nature of being too trusting not to fall prey over and over again. I think one aspect to our suseptability is that we are drawn to charismatic and charming people who stimulate us and they happene to be the ones who often process these traits.
right on, k. when it’s plural “exes” disposed of completely and banished by NC (by text???) and the big question is still “but what about me?” seems a little like the n-word to me;)
I have come a long way… spotting a narc has become easy.. go on get outta here.. NC lol!!
I think you are a NARC. You have no business stalking this website. Are you trying to get your supply by abusing ppl regarding their comments.
Get in therapy and get off this site.
I recently left a relationship with a narcissist..the day I left I had to call the police..I became his enemy..within several days he was calling me telling me his laundry was piling up and he was getting sick eating his own cooking…I said ..you should have thought of that before you were so demeaning and nasty with me..he was angry…but called again several days later…In the meantime..he contacted the woman he had been with before me..when she left she ended up in a battered womans shelter..he had sex with her..and spent time telling her how much better I was than her..but when I was with him..nothing was good enough..the demeaning was endless..
he decided she was not suitable..because she wants her family in her life and I have none..so he called me again..and told me all of this..omg..did he think I wuld run back to have sex with him and do his laundry?
these people do not care about you as an individual for one split second..it is an ugly disturbing fact..makes you feel sick in the gut..the confusion comes in waves..but reminding yourself of this fact forces you to move away and forward..
I did quite a bit of research on line..put it to use and now my narcissist is so angry with me..he is ignoring me..hopefully forever…I have to say it gave me great pleasure to manipulate him with this knowledge to get this result..
I am continuing to recover..not kidding myself that this has taken a toll on me..I understand why I was an easy target..and am doing the work to improve my skills
I hate to say this but I am with a narc- and when he felt
my supply wasn’t good enough he started to reach out to old supplies. One he hadn’t been with for four years. So in saying this, your never truly safe.
Yes…yes…yes…he will! Mine did after 3 years….said evetything i always wanted to hear…i gave him another year of my life an devotion only to be hurt again an leave im dealing with the healing part….I will never ever have contact or allow contact between us again!!!
I’m in the process of leaving my narc and using grey rock. I’m very alarmed because mine actually raped me while I was intoxicated and unconscious; he too is an alcoholic and I suspect a sex addict. He actually had the audacity to set up counselling immediately and his excuse was having “a very big sexual appetite”. I’ve caught this man in lie after lie, including talking to another woman whom was supposedly a friend whom nothing happened with, biggest mistake blah blah blah.. . And yet he swears he’s faithful each time he’s caught lying without my flat out accusing him. Honestly, I just lose my mind over how bad it always ” Looks” which he barely acknowledges. He just has “the worst luck”. I know it’s just ridiculous, and chances usually are they’re cheating. I think my broken heart won’t let me believe. Then again, he did try lying about raping me even roping someone who was elsewhere in the house into the fallout and watched as they tore me apart. He had me convinced he was in need of desperate help, which until now I believed. Sure he needs help but not mine. That is one of the ugliest things to do to a person possible short of killing them, and I wish I had sent him to prison where he’ll never hurt another. He tells me he never hurt anyone else like this but whether or not that’s true, it’s beyond screwed up. I don’t know how I’ll ever heal, and now I’m suffering from dissociation.
Jane, I just want to say I’m so sorry this happened and I hope you are healing from this atrocious tragedy. Just know there are many out here on your side and supporting you. <3
you have a good if you change the phone number and they get the message and don’t bother you anymore that’s a regular relationship and regular understanding if you had an actual narcissist in your life he wouldn’t go away he wouldn’t let you leave he wouldn’t leave you alone he would stalk you follow you and mess up your life for good sounds to me like this was just a bad boyfriend and he got the message, I hope for your sake that I’m right God bless.
Before I realized on a website that my ex was a narcissist, he discarded me again after coming back into my life after dumping me 10 years ago. He told me that it was up to me if we should remain friends or not. I decided not to. For more than a year, I never talked to him. However after creating my website, and publishing two stories in national magazines, I sent an email to everyone in my address book—including him. He looked at it, I know because of the web logistics. I’m curious though, did it make him jealous do you think? Other people I contacted sent me a group email thanking me for the free copies of my stories. I didn’t send him one, though. Do you think that it hurt his feelings? He wouldn’t look if he didn’t care, right?
He probably feels the following: indifference or envy or both; either way, he just doesn’t care. And in another sense, he may know that you are wondering if he will respond -therefore, once again attempting to have some sort of control- and so by ignoring you, he is showing you that he doesn’t care, so as to try to stir up some emotion in you.
Why do you even care what he is thinking? It just shows he still has a hook in you Do not waste your time He does not care and never did I was involved with an N for 15 years and I can tell you they do not care about you Stop wasting your life and move on Nothing hurts an N;s feelings because they do not have normal feelings!
let me get this straight. You were with a narcissist for 15 years and it took you that long not to care but yet you are asking her “why do you even care?” As if it’s just that easy…. Clearly she has moved on and wrote him out of her life but after all that a narcissist will put you through, what’s the big deal if she wants to do a little something to make herself feel better?
I left a narcassist last year fleeing with my children. I blocked his number and bought a cheep phone for contact re children.
He is a total weirdo! I refused to mediate with him and stated why, I’ve tried the break up row (via email) but am greeted by business type responses!
Anyway I’ve give up. This relationship was never normal so I’m never going to get the normal end I longed for.
I just blank him now. See how he likes it, the silent treatment was a punishment he often used to me. I blocked his emails calls and texts! I’ve no idea if he knows where I live as I’ve never told him. My family deal with contact however I will retrieve the kids from him and ignore his presence and just speak to the kids. He may utter the odd word about “what has happened” during their contact – I hear it but I don’t acknowledge it. I know my kids well enough to know if they are hungry tired or unwell and don’t need to know what they’ve eaten etc.
Not sure if ignorance is the best thing to do, it is hard as I am a human and I did love this man, but I have had to oust him out of my thoughts (just like he used to do to me)
Does anyone else use this strategy?
Ha. I am in the middle of giving him silent treatment too. After three affairs, I am done. We have three children, but he doesn’t even want them. It’s so sad. Our youngest is only 1 and as cute as a button! He never shows remorse and blames me for everything. He will never take responsibility for his actions. He is textbook narc.
What has happened since you wrote this post?
I am going to full no contact. After a nasty divorce my narc tried to blackmail me. when I wouldnt change the agreement or the child support he went no contact. I now have an attorney for a modification of custody to get full physical and legal custody. I will have to attempt some contact so he cannot say I alienated the kids but that will be through the attorney and not from me any longer. He probably doesnt care because he doesnt even attempt to talk to the kids because he hates me so much. BUT…either way I am taking control back!
The thing about narcissists is that life with them is like a rollercoaster, there is always one emotional drama after another, usually to get attention or to cover up something they dont want you to know about.
When you first leave, life seems colourless but actually given time, you realise that you have no emotional upheaval and you can give you emotional input to others on a consistent reliable basis, i.e your kids, without the narcissist poisoning or distracting you.
Trust your instincts about your kids, narc will try and make you feel inferior.
Ignoring the narc is a start and you may fall off the wagon a few times before it sinks in what an unhappy, and toxic creature they are.
As time goes by, you will feel contentment and peace. Thats what happens when you can leave the narc behind.
Its so important to remember that your kids need one normal loving parent and not to let the narc pass on their inadequacies and inabilities to form normal, loving and TRUTHFUL relationships.
Good luck
I use the total ignore technique, too. It’s the only one i know of that does any good. I use the technique even though i can’t get Mr. Narc to leave. He’s in the house, and i can’t afford to break the lease or pick up our many children and move. But i never acknowledge his authority any more, and it helps more than anything else. No engagement. Since beginning this method, he now spends most of his time in bed, because he doesn’t have a narcissistic-supply for energy. He’s completely “lost” without my fear of his yelling and punishments. Not a great situation, but better than trying to please the poor sick soul!
I’m in the same situation with my husband. Through a therapist I found out what he was and what he has been doing to me this whole time. I asked him to leave and he hasn’t. So we ignore each other. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this though. It’s such a stressful situation. I thought if u stopped being their supply they would leave??
I’m in the same situation too. He’s been giving me the silent treatment – leaving the room when I walk in, for no real reason. In the mornings, he makes me coffee and breakfast and talks about himself and his work. Not really interested in what I’m doing, but it ressembles a somewhat normal thing couples do. At the end of the day, he comes in with a sarcastic hello, how are you? But the tone says I hate you. Then he can’t bear to look at me or be in the same room as me. Avoids me at all costs. So, I don’t acknowledge him either and just ignore his antics. So, I changed my morning routine and go for walks instead of having breakfast with him – I’ll either take it to work, or not eat it at all. Now he wants to separate. I didn’t do it intentionally to bother him, but clearly it bothered him. As all the others have said – when he feels he is running out of supply, he will leave.
Yes it’s really the best and only way. Stay strong. Good luck.
I have been in a relationship with a man for nearly 8 years. He told me he was separated at the time, only to discover he went back to his wife. I ended it a few times, only to have him pursue me. He left his wife and we began our journey. He was a drug addict and ended up losing everything, and has bad credit that will never come right. I helped him by taking him to out patient rehab, he relapsed twice. On the 3rd attempt he has been sober and clean for nearly 3 years. In the 5 years whilst still abusing drugs and alcohol, it was a life of extreme highs and lows. We lived together a number of times, me having left him more times. He is horribly controlling, and gets verbally aggressive. I have had 2 other marriages where I am still in contact with them and am very friendly with them and have great relationships with them, albeit the relationships ended. My attraction to this man was his so-called passion and love of life. The very first holiday we went on together right in the beginning, I remember coming back and thinking I could not continue, as he is so controlling. On one of the occasions when I left, he had a relationship with one of his AA members which I did not know about. On returning to the relationship, yet again, this was kept from me. On my birthday, he picked a fight with me and left. I found disgusting messages that he had sent to this woman. I was broken and ended the relationship. We then later got back together – total insanity, I know! we went for counseling together and I discovered I am codependent, which he doesn’t like the sound of. I do not assert as I am afraid of his reactions. I married him nearly 5 months ago. But now I find that I am paying the household bills, while he shows how he has changed and how wonderful he is to his 2 ex wives and pays for all their needs – he has one child with the first and one adopted child with his 2nd wife who has FAS. My son chose to go to boarding school because he would rather be there than live with this controlling man. And my daughter does not want to be around us either. My son leaving, sent me into shock and realization that I have been isolated and left alone with this person that I have no respect for. I am a successful business person, but only now after 8 years have discovered just how much I have put my little family through and how much I have been used and abused. I also realize that throughout the relationship he has never been there for me when I have needed him emotionally, but I have to be there for him always. I sometimes think that he may have proposed to me so that there is an appearance of a happy family where his FAS child can come and live – who I have not been allowed to have contact with in 5 years due to his mother not allowing it. She is also a prescription drug addict and he wants to fight this. I think using this false appearance of a blissful family life. I believe the FAS child is the perfect child to feed what he needs. I left the common home – which belongs to me. I have not been back in 2 weeks. I am ignoring him and I have I instituted divorce proceedings and have served a notice for him to vacate my home. In spite of all this, I sometimes feel guilty, I feel sorry for him and feel like I am the one to blame, so when his “nice” messages come through, they tug at my heart strings. I am in counseling to stay strong. But for the first time I have realized the exact nature of what has happened to me, even though I attended alanon meetings and heard the word “codependent” I did not really understand what was happening to me. Some once said to me that these people don’t have relationships, they take hostages. I have been held captive for all this time. It’s time to start having a love affair with myself! Thank you for your insightful website. The more I read, the more knowledge I gain to help me on the road to recovery.
Jacqui, I wish I could talk to you. My experience has been so similar to yours that it hurts, I truly feel for you; if I were to copy and paste the details I could and can relate to (the ups and downs, him being a drug addict, you discovering “codependency” and him hating the sound of it, etc.), I’d probably come up with a huge comment.
I’m still trying to recover and have just restarted therapy. I got him to discard me twice, the second time since I was still a hook. I even wondered if maybe I was the N one (since he was always blaming me and I kept trying to change in all possible ways, but none would do to him).
Still love him, still feel guilty and hold on to all those “what if I had/hadn’t done/said that?”, and still need to try the “no contact” rule.
Anyway, just wanted to “give you a big hug” and wish you all the best! Stay strong! You’re definitely not alone, though we do feel like that sometimes. You’re worth it, remember that!
Your story sounds so much like my own. I too was not allowed to see my narc children from his first marriage. I am a very good mother to my three children and an ethical and moral. I am now questioning if it really was the first wife’s decision or if this played into what the narc wanted. I’m sure he didn’t want us comparing notes.
Thank you for telling your story. I’ve been in a relationship for 7 yrs with a text book narc. We have lived together on and off. Every time I leave he puts himself on the dating sites. So when I do go back which is normally with in a couple of weeks there are more problems than before I left. But now what worries me is I think I have a problem because I keep going back and I miss him. But not sure what I miss. The isolation! I have three children between 20 and 25 and he has drven them away. Lucky my children and I are still very close. They can’t live with me. I’m in the process of nc. It never lasts. I must find a way out.
Please don`t be so hard on yourself. You are a kind person. You may be codependent (so am I), but you can change and heal from that. His wounds are forever open. Unfixable. I feel sorry for my ex, too. I am sad that his abusive childhood turned him into this monster because he just might have been a pretty great person. I know he is always sad inside and desperately trying to fill the emptiness and soothe the despair that he tries to conceal from the world. But, I also know that I am not the remedy. He will always take and always need me to give. I can never give enough. YOU can never give enough. He will never be able to understand the pain he causes… and he wouldn`t care if he could. You can`t be responsible for his past decisions or marriages or kids or his NPD. As hard as this is now, it will be easier than the horrifying wreckage of trying to stick with this for another year… or eight. You have proven yourself a STRONG woman with your decision to leave. It is heartbreaking because I know you see even the tiniest bits of good in all people, including him. I do, too. That is what makes it difficult. I want to help. I want to fix. I want to find happiness for myself. I want to believe these years of my life were worth more than this. But if you look at your situation, he is going to hurt you and your kids again (and again) and you KNOW it. SO you have to stay the course. When I feel weak, I consume as much information online as I can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It reminds me what I`m dealing with and that I can’t help. The kindest thing I can do for my family is to move on and heal myself so I don`t attract this kind of relationship into my life again. I can be an even better mom because now I have seen the destruction that a bad parent can cause.
I don`t have to know you to say that you are stronger than you think. You can do this!! You`re already doing it! You owe it to your family and to yourself because you are worthy of love from someone who can give as much to you as you do to them.
Dear Marcy,
I’m going through unbelievable pain right now because of my N. Your words were perfect. Thank you.
People with Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) whether malignant, cerebral, somatic, covert – whatever; are all incurable, dangerous and in fact psychology defined as predators. They hone in on people who are strong, empathetic, intelligent and have a vulnerability ( VICTIMS ARE NOT GULLIBLE, NOR STUPID, NOR BROKEN, NOR ABNORMAL IN ANY WAY).
I understand what you mean though, it is a terribly sad Illness, but you have to remember this illness was there long before you were. You had nothing to do with him being the way he is. All you wanted was a healthy relationship with someone to love and be loved.
The person you loved is, was, and never will be there. He was an enigma from the beginning; pretending to be everything you wanted and longed for in a partner so he could have his supply.
Find that strength he honed in on, and stay away. Get counselling to get to the bottom of whatever the vulnerability of yours is.
Trust me, these people get worse as they get older and their opportunity for new supply dwindles.
Keep the faith that you will come out of this through light and love, and be a better you for it. Good luck.
My covert N girlfriend had me completely fooled. She worshipped me, and said that she knew one day I would leave her. (She had a very bad childhood.) I was in love with her- and would never have left her. I wanted to marry her. She moved away for work and we said we would continue to make it work. Her calls became less frequent. She devalued me over time, and then discarded me saying that she knew I would never be happy with just friendship. I said that I wanted to stay friends, and she then did everything to hurt me – ignoring emails etc. Eventually I told her we should stop contact. She had a Narcassistic rage by email. I got a volley of aggressive and nasty texts. I ignored all of them. I could tell that this was driving her mad- the fact that I would not react.
Three weeks later – because I’m a soft hearted stupid fool- I message her. She tells me that I have hurt her more than anyone in her entire life, and that she does not think that she wants to let me get so close to her again! We start messaging for a week. Then she starts to ignore me again! Really – it’s all games. I end up more confused. You can never win. I have since blocked her contact. I need to move on. She does not care about me- I have to accept it.
Exactly the same with me…I have cut all contact with him on march 29th and I am just try to feel better….my soul was raped for over 4 years…uuuggghhh
No contact since Feb,17th. He finally stopped calling, texting May 24th. Hardest thing I have ever had to do. I love this man, but have learned from therapy and being devalued more times in 9 years then I honestly can remember and all the while being told it was me that treated him badly because I wanted a normal life was all. My therapist has told me that he loved me as much as he is capable of loving, that’s not saying much. I know that the PTSD and mental problems I am having were not worth the hell I went thru at his hands so please listen to the voice in your head telling u to run and get away. I will never be the same person or love anyone again. Trying to put my life back together but its extremely hard.
Today marks “year six” that my ex-narc walked out of our marriage and our family for one of his many ‘love affairs’ (Narc supply sources) and I have finally gotten to a place in my soul that I call “comfortably numb”. But I feel the same way … I will never be the same person (not even sure who/what I used to be since it’s been almost 30 years ago!!!) and I will never love anyone again (can’t risk the pain of it happening to me again!). Not sure I’ve actually put my life back together again, or ever will, but ‘comfortably numb’ is better than the agony I was in for a good five years!
I am right there with you girl, have been with mine 9 years, married 2, he is also an addict. I knew he was hiding money from me, not putting enough in our account to get bills paid, when I questioned him about the,money, he went into a Narc rage and told me he was spending the money on whores and flowers, probably the first time he had told me the truth, in reality! I told him to never call me again, filed for an exparte, and started divorce proceedings, went NC, blocked his #. He is a truck driver, lost his teaching job to meth, so he is all over the country. About 4 weeks ago after going NC, started getting calls from numbers all over, different states, but the same numbers 6 or 7 times a day, no voicemails left on my phone, but I knew somehow it was him, found out there is an app that you can call people from your phone, but will show up as another number. So he is technically violating the exparte, but there is no way to prove it without answering, so I just ignore them and keep track for my attorney. Good luck to you, this has been a horrible experience, but remember, you will get better, he probably never will.
Hi John,
I can really relate to your situation with your ex. I am currently going through a horrible custody battle with mine, who also sounds just like a Narcassist. He keeps playing games with my head. All I was trying to do was get the truth from him, and because he lies so much, even when he doesn’t have to, I just can’t trust anything he says. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to trust again, because I could run into another person just like him, and I just can’t handle it anymore. I’ve even made the mistake more than once of letting him know I still care and want to try to work things out for the benefit of our son, and he actually had me thinking he would work things out with me when I get back out to Oregon, but then I am now informed he’s got a new girlfriend. Which I stupidly got angry about, and am so angry with myself for showing any weakness. I wish I could block all contact because it would make it easier to move on, but we have a child together, and I have to be able to check on my son. So that just makes it harder. But I am slowly getting the point after talking to family and friends that he just doesn’t care, even though he said he does or did, and that I need to move on, because he doesn’t want me anymore, I’ve been told I’ve served my purpose and now he’s done with me. So I guess I’ve got to get the strength to go on and be done with him as well. Email back if you like. I am also looking to find someone to talk to because I’m hurting really bad from this and would like to find other people to talk to that have been through this or have gone through this.
Dear Tara
I can feel your pain. This seems to be very new to you and I hear how hard it is for you – I know. Keep talking as long as you want to. I still do after almost two years and it helps us to heal fully. The worst we can do is try to suppress our pain or suppress the feelings we want to share. Keep sharing and keep reading. Scott M Peck ‘People of the Lie’ will give you one of the best full understandings of the depth of their mental illness. The more you understand and the more you know just how sick that person really is and always will be – there is no treatment, there is no cure – the more you can detach healthily knowing this is a blessing in disguise. Also, if you can read all five of Dr Brien Weiss books you will feel the ‘very big picture’ of our lives in such a meaningful, loving and kind way. He is amazing. This suffering rises to a new epiphany and another and another and there are so many gifts waiting for you to understand more and to completely heal. You are loved. You are Worthy. You, probably like me and like John (above) and like all of us here, have given genuine love and have a clear conscience that we have all done the very best that we can. I have almost finished my book after two years of research and 25 years Marriage, I had tried with all I had and all I could give and I fully understood all of my husband’s childhood through five siblings over 28 years, they need more than anyone can give them and they have practised many, many years not knowing what love really means. No-one can fill their voids, it is a paradox of love they can’t understand and they can’t show. This is not a physical disability that can be seen or a mental disability that can be heard, this is an emotional disability that has been stunted mostly to the degree, it can never be developed enough for healthy love. The worse their behaviour, the more sick they are. Remember you are always Loved and you are always Worthy. Even the most highly skilled psychiatrists who try to treat the disordered, don’t always recognise the facade, the mask, the Dr Jeckyll. We pray there’s a way to get through to them but I can’t find one word in the world that has. We have been given a gift to love and now we have, we let them go as they want to and we have been given a gift for the opportunity to receive genuine love. I trust that everyone here will receive and will heal completely, knowing that we have done the very best that anyone with so much love to give, can. Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it. Read, talk, read and talk some more – you will know what heals you and you are the one most capable of healing yourself. Take as long as you need and remember don’t bottle it up, don’t suppress it, don’t avoid. Feel as you feel and cry if you need, feel lonely if you need, feel angry if you need and you are justified and right, then feel tiny, tiny baby steps of realisation that your soul is bigger than your loss. And our loss, is not a loss but an opportunity to have genuine love in our lives. I wish you peace and my comfort whenever you need. it.
You describe perfectly how the victims always feel. Victims don’t stay because they are weak…it seems most victims have the same personality. they are very loving and have such empathy for others. most narcissists are broken people. we are drawn to them and stay because we are loving and know they are broken. we stay because we truly think we can help. what we don’t know is that we cannot help a true narcissist. when I finally left, even my empathy for him was gone. the abuse of me and our children combined with a counselo’s knowledge helped me leave and with a NC mindset. my narcissistic ex became very dangerous. once he found a new supply…he finally left me alone. he married her and doesn’t really have contact with our children. I sincerely pray for his wife daily that she stays safe because he is violent. I also feel guilty because I want them to stay together because it took his obsession off me but I know they don’t change so I feel guilty because I know she likely is not safe in the long run. it is really sad because there will always be a victim because they need a supply.
Dear Tara
I can really relate with your story. I feel hook link and sinker for a girl I think is the same exact way. She could be so convincing saying things like I want us to be a family etc. She says she is pregnant with our child. I have never been to a doctor with her never saw her take a pregnancy test nothing. She left will not tell me where she is. The lies are like being stabbed in the heart over and over. I still don’t know the truth. I am trying to forget about her but it’s like a drug addiction and is very hard. I am depressed but am mad at myself for being depressed thinking I’m stupid from being depressed about a person that probably is capable of caring about me. I truly wish you the best of luck and the only thing I can offer is we have to learn to love ourselves and care about ourselves. These people pray on people like us that feel like we aren’t good enough.
Amazing thp seee commonalities then all of our experiences that we’re sharing here. I too I am hurting in an extreme way and very very lonely. I work all day alone and then I’m alone all evening and all night after that and then the same thing the next day and the next night. and so I dwell and dwell on my ex..she is hey narcissistic psychopath that unfortunately I I am deeply in love with this and deeply care about no matter how so bad she hurts me. she tricked me into having deep sympathy for her in the beginning because I thought I was rescuing her from an abusive man that she had been with us for a little over a year and he was abusive I saw the evidence she showed me pictures of her beaten face black and eyes tell me that he would break in their home and be waiting on her when she got back held her hostage in their own home 4 months and I was horrified and thought that this poor woman just needed a decent man that could show her not all men are like that and that some men are gentle and loving. But now a year and a half later she has told me many times how she still loves him and will always love him and she never tells me that she loves me. she seems annoyed by my love for her she rejects my gifts my flowers she lets just died she will go out of her way at all times to prove to me that she does not need me one single bit and although I have never put a hand on her in anger and never would do any woman at any time but especially not in this situation because I was following on the heels abusive men and want to do prove and therefore I was very resolved not to let anything cause me to react like those men did. because of this I have allowed her to get away with verbal abuse and psychological abuse of me that I would never have allowed anyone to treat me that way but because of my vow to myself of gentleness to wards a woman that I felt sorry for she now considers me a pathetic weakling when actually the weekend is the man who black and her eyes and it takes great strength for me to listen to the constant baVirajViraj Pof insults and disrespect yet remain composedcat daddydeadare you in a half later2 Ion my exI’veI. II am 52 years old as is she we neither one have children we both have college degreesit should be working out but it isn’t I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her I only have been in love 4 times in 52 years this doesn’t happen to me often but she just doesn’t care she left me two days before my mother died and the whole time we were dating up until November 1st I did not have a smartphone and I was not on Facebook but she was then had been for years my mother died on September 17th and when I went on Facebook on November 1st although she refuses to friend me on Facebook I was still able to find a photograph of her with a giant smile on her face mixing it up with a crowd at a party 2 miles from the funeral home where we were having live viewing of my mother before her burial drama she needs her attended the viewing or the burial and although I was experiencing the deepest sorrow of my life she was so oblivious to that as is so clearly evidenced by her joy at her party Wow I am at the funeral home without the support of my girlfriend and she is totally unconcernedand so I continue to make excuses for her and you forgive for and to apologize for what she is done I’m not even apologizing for what I’ve done just I’d in doing is a butt I will doout to the apologizing just so we can get back together,she rejects every idea I have on how to make things better and will never work together with me on improving anything and after refusing to be my facebook friend on November 1st it obviously is because she feels the need to hide the fact that she’s probably never at any point been faithful to me in fact she lived a double life with over 200 facebook friends that I’ve never even heard their names mentioned and they didn’t know about me I didn’t know about them she can’t me a closely guarded secret so that she could continue to live the single life yet have a boyfriend at home but never tell anybody about that boyfriend nor introduce him to one single friend of hers in a year and a half nor did anyone visit us we never went anywhere in public because she never wanted to go we left her house 2 times exactly in a year and a half that way she could protect her image as being available and continue to play the market while I remained steadfastly growing in love and devotion to her but working alone and never seeing anybody and never being aware of what was going on because of that and because I wasn’t on Facebook. this has crushed myself I have cried more over this woman then any other situation in my entire life I have never tried so hard to make a relationship work and she will not make the single first bit of effort and yet sabotages that I make but she keeps me around with mixed signals however I decided on December 8th that I would cease to have contact I wouldn’t either take her calls or call her myself or return any texts and I made it an amazing 7 weeks ignoring every attempt she made but on January 31st her birthday I ignored her first call but a couple of hours later in a state of weakness answered her call and that was a huge mistake. after to Knights together which briefly excited me and encouraged me she has sense slammed me to the pavement again and extracted what little was left of my heart and smashed it to pieces once more and yet I cannot bring myself to hate her I’m currently not speaking to her but she’s not trying to reach me either its only been about 7 days but she does not care about me and she never will she only cares about herself and I am hurt so so badly listen my mother and the woman Iand just a couple of days of each other has been devastating to me I’ve been in clinical deep depression for 8 months and she is seemingly unfazed with her life roaring ahead with new exciting business opportunities that make her very prominent in this small town and all the men after her that she could possibly want which she uses to hurt me even though I put my life in danger to rescue her from this man it was threatening to kill us both and have since then only tried to love her yet she treats me with such cruelty that it is just shocking to me blows my mind out I could never do these things to my most hated enemy much less how do you do that to someone who loves you and you know they love you I’ve got no one to talk to except for gas station clerks and the ladies that hand you your food at a drive thru window that’s itAll
I just read your story; I have a wife who came from Philippines that has caused me great pain. So I left my email for support because I noticed most N were guys. But not to many female N stories. I have been fooled for more then 10 years and just had a heartattack. Ofcourse the N didn’t care it’s so hurtful since I almost died. Anyway email me if you would like for support since there are only a small percent of us guys being used by girl N.
Hello there!
My mother in law and 2 cousins are all textbook female narcissists…I can very much relate from what I have seen and from what the men in their lives say…although I have never been in love, I loved my mother in law dearly and pushed my own family and son to the side to try and please her. If you need to vent, I’m here!
Love,
Teresa
Yes I have been there and believe me whoever told u ur purpose is done its true. He only had u for whatever supply u offered at the time . Be grateful and thank good he’s moved on to someone else because trust me that demon still travels with him let it b her problem now not yours . Ask God for strength to move on and let go u deserve better ????
Please get into therapy as soon as you can you will feel better!
This is an old thread but if u can email me back with an update? I’m going through something similar
John, what you say is so very familiar. I never did understand in my relationship with my narc that when she said “I know you will get bored quickly and leave me, all men do that to me” that she was predicting HER behavior, not mine. The fact that she really believes the men in her life just left her — instead of the truth, that after pedestal-busting idealization she devalues quickly and brutally — is just one of many, many signs she is truly nuts. As with all narcs, she is always the victim and never, ever takes responsibility for her own actions. Another example is this: Guys come onto her after she interacts with them, and I ask her about it and she says “Oh, they are immature, they misunderstand, I am just ‘friendly.'” Total BS! She flirts insanely with anything male that moves and breathes. But she will never see it. She is a sick, twisted creature, not even fully human. When I am not getting angry over something that she said or did while we were together, I pity her. I really do. She will never have a child (she told me so), will probably never marry, never have long-lasting friends, and will remain obsessed with cultivating “supply” in place of a real life. It was the most painful 8 months of my life but it’s been over 4 months and every day I celebrate because I get further away from that grotesque alien pseudo-human. Not all days are easy because she was beautiful and quite wonderful in the beginning. But after the mask came off — yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Sickening.
I was with my narcissistic ex for about 6 years. Well I’m not 100% sure whether or not he suffered from narcissism because he has never been diagnosed by a professional but his personality does match a lot of the traits regarding narcissism. For starters, the relationship was perfect and intense in the beginning. He told me he loved me after only knowing me for a week. Also spoke about having kids and marrying me someday. I thought he was perfect. After awhile he began asking me for money. If I didn’t give it to him on time he would get mad and yell at me and tell me he couldn’t rely on me. Everything was always about him, nothing was ever about me. If we went out and I wanted to buy something for myself he would throw and temper tantrum and go home. When we lived together he would go into rages and forcefully kick me out when he knew I had nowhere to go. He would push me and throw my things in the hallway and demand I leave. While refusing to let me take my cell phone or purse with me I guess to spite me so that I wouldn’t be able to get anywhere. Sometimes he would do this in the middle of the night. When I left he would call me later crying begging for me to come back. He would never be intimate with me after a year. I would see him on sex and dating websites trying to meet other girls for sex. He would always deny this behavior and tell me I was insecure and crazy. If I did confront him about cheating he would tell me that it was my fault and if I had given him enough attention he wouldn’t have to cheat. Sometimes he would threaten to hit me and get in my face with his fists balled up. He would spend money on prostitutes but refuse to buy anything for our kids. When I would get fed up and try to leave he would harass me nonstop calling me and sending me vulgar text messages. If he broke up with me for someone else it was always my fault. After a while I began thinking I was crazy. I even questioned if I saw things I knew I saw. His exes would tell me he was crazy and psycho and would stalk them when they broke up. Sometimes he would send me text messages threatening to kill me or end my life. He would go back and fourth between highs and lows. He always discarded me when he met someone else but would continue bothering me when the girl wasn’t available. It was a nightmarish situation. I would beg for him to just leave me alone and he would refuse telling me we had kids therefore I could never get rid of him.
Samantha I don’t believe he was a narcissist but a sociopath/psychopath instead because what he did was use “gas lighting”techniques to make you believe you were crazy and Deny your reality which is what they do, Sociopaths and Psychopaths are Narcissists, but not all Narcissists are sociopaths/psychopaths. Sociopaths/psychopaths are EXTREME narcissists.
This article has great information. I’ve been stalked for 1.5yrs by a Narcissist. We became friends because our children were friends. She eventually moved to my street to be closer to me. I didn’t know much about her at first but as she opened up I started to see her dark side. She seemed mentally unhinged at times. She started flirting with my husband calling him sexy all the time in front of my child. She told me stories like that her boss had come on to her at work. She said another friend’s husband wanted her and sent her inappropriate pictures. She said her husband’s best friend wanted her. She eventually told me her brother had sexually abused her as a child. All the things she said made me more and more cautious of her. Eventually she asked if I would share my husband with her and she asked it right in front of my child. I stopped being her friend right then. Since ending the friendship she has stalked me through social media, she will mimic everything I do on social media and then tell the new friends she’s dragged into her life that it’s me copying her. They’re gullible to it because they haven’t gotten to her dark side yet. When we were friends she told me she was going to use the neighbors across the street from her so she could get close to the rich entrepreneur that is the boss of the neighbor. She has done just that. She befriended them right away and they have no clue. I’ve been ignoring her for several months but she hasn’t given up yet. In fact just in the last couple of days she found my Google plus account and began following who I follow. She’s been doing the same with Pinterest and Instagram. She tried to pretend to be moving for awhile but is still living on my street. This is terrible to say but I’m hoping eventually that she will become more obsessed with someone else than with me so she’ll go away.
Are there no moderators to this forum? No offense and Joe knows this, but narcissists become the center of attention in any possible situation they can. Seems that is the case in this forum. There should have been a shelf life (on Joe’s part) re answering questions, not handing out his e-mail address to vulnerable bloggers, which is mainly women in this forum. They were easily drawn into Joe’s new found importance in this room. Never stroke a narcissist for any reason. Posters, please back up and try to read what I’m conveying objectively.
I won’t be engaging with “Joe”. I was a bit sceptical of his motives to begin with, but his email address sealed it for me….rvulyenom(@gmail) backwards is moneyluvr…gave me the creeps!
OMG … I had someone in my life just like that! Almost the same exact story! She also tried to make it seem as if she is sooo desired by men (and women, and I even got the eerie feeling that she was wanting a sexual relationship with me….UGH!!!). Her personality is defintely Narcississtic (and at the time I didn’t even know what a Narcissist was!!!); just as my ‘ex’ is a Narcissist but I found out way too late (after the divorce) what they both were! They were so similar. She was 40 years old and she had “boys” as friends (ages 11-17)….WTF??? She told me I was her ‘best friend’ only months after meeting me? I finally realized how many people she had “come and go” from her life and I realized that I was ‘chosen’ to meet a need she had … to babysit her child (while she ran around with the “boys” and probably other men!!!). She even started talking about me (me – her new ‘best friend’) behind my back and I could no longer rationalize keeping her in my life. Narcisists need ALL kinds of people in their wacked-out world for all kinds of reasons (spouses, children, ‘friends’, neighbors, co-workers) and it’s basically all about the ‘explotation’ of everyone! Whatever/whoever meets their needs for Narcissistic supply!!
I sympathize with your story. Keep ignoring her and stay neutral. Eventually, she’ll get a life. The article is right on — Narcissists may have had problems during childhood years which made them the way they are. Narcissists that stalk and exhibit mentally unstable behavior such as your ex-friend who mimics you on social media, lack self-control. They think that if they take revenge on you by stalking, they can get your attention and cope with shame. To be quite frank, it’s an abnormal and unhealthy way of dealing with anger and shame.
Kimberly give that woman her walking papers!!! Would you expose your family to poisons? This woman is toxic and dangerous.
This is extremely intense.
I never new there were such cruel people in the world. I truly believed my ex. Who now I see as a narcissistic con man.
I got a restraining order once I seen the pattern of lies and rebuttals. He has left scars on my body and confuses my children and I so much.
Do you think a narcissistic is capable of murder if jealous enough?
I have ignored him for 6 weeks now, so he tries to befriend my brother, then threatens him. Then try and be his friend again. Then trys to make my brother feel bad for him saying he lost his finger and going to the hospital. I’m so sorry to my brother. I’m so great full he has looked out for me and ignores him. I hsve fallen for the ploy. Its a ploy for attention. Crazy Right! There are times I get so scared and feel like a sitting duck. I have his son and filed for child support and he is now trying to get joint custody but I looked up his record and he has so many assaults and is a convicted felon. I have no record. I just don’t understand why someone could steal your heart and drain your soul. Then calls me crazy. I pray his money won’t by his son. I believe better. So if he ends up not getting his way I feel he would seriously hurt me.
Does anyone have a similar story that end up better. I can use the encouragement. Thanks
Can these people kill? I am concerned about the ex N coming back to kill me.
The only possible answer to this is following: go to the police if you feel threatened before its too late.
Please dont lump every narcissist into “these people”. Some of use actually want to get better and fix our mental defect that was created as a child.
Just curious, if you don’t mind answering, what do you think “caused” your narcissism? Thanks. 🙂
I’m a full blown diagnosed narcissist, it sucks. I’m trying to not lose a 25+ year marriage to a beautiful caring woman. I know I have problems, therapy hasn’t helped but sights like this have.
When something happens in my life I try and step back, see how a narcissist would react, ask a friend and then react accordingly.
I think people don’t fully understand it’s not a choice we are like this. It’s a coping mechanism we built as a child and in many ways know no different. Not an excuse just a simple fact. It’s instinctive to act ans behave a certain way and getting past t that is tiresome, exhausting and draining. But, I push forward to try and undo 40+ years of wrongful thinking.
Like the site and I learn how to change by reading and listening to people such as you who have been hurt by people like me.
Joe, I commend you for acknowledging and trying to rectify your behaviour.
However in my experience it amazes me that my NPD partner doesn’t behave in his normal customary manner in front of anyone except myself and the children .
So he knows exactly hat he is doing. If he didnt he would act that way in all walks of life ?
Oh he is revered to those he spends time with,however he has no real friends only acquaintances .
People have been blind sighted by his Oscar award performances . Myself and our kids all have been labelled by those he has worked his magic on…….I would love any of these said people to see the REAL him….not this chameleon who plays charades . That’s the most cruelest part. They do know right from wrong ..they must if they choose when to and not to behave so cruely
I tend to agree, my N husband of 16 years …knows exactly when to not show this nasty cruel personality . And saviours it all up for me, my children, my family . If people saw the hell we endure that he has eluded them too …the would be mortified . Instead he has his supply fooled . And we are labelled the problem. My god even as 4 and 6 year olds my kids were labeled the issue by whom I now know as his narcisstic mother !!! Are you kidding me….they are kids. He is a adult and his behaviour has and is appalling.
It infuriates and bewilders me how they know how to act in front of those that wouldn’t tolerate it …but treat their own family so poorly
Hey Deb,
Thanks, I am trying, it is a struggle daily but my wife is patient and knows it takes time. I do want to work past it and be “normal”. It is just very hard after 40+ years of messed up thinking.
As far as your hubby, its not a performance. We know how to make people like us. We also know how to get (use) others that we “feed” off of. Typically our spouses first, love ones and then friends.
Our friends are disposable unless they can take the abuse from us. I burnt through SO many friends and the ones that stayed for some sadistic reason liked the abuse I shoveled onto them.
Only speaking for me, I really didn’t know right from wrong as much as I knew what I perceived as right and what others did.
Dont know if any of this makes sense or not.
– Joe
Hi Joe i am a have 38 year old-( bi polar Narc) I have spent all night reading blogs on how to get revenge on your narcissistic girlfriend. land I happen to just come along yours . I just wanted to commend you on admitting to being a narc .it’s the first blog I have read that I’ve seen anybody admit to it and it dawned on me that what I had been doing all night isn’t okay. I love this girl with all my heart that she has taken my game my way of life my soul and showed me that my abusive ways my thirst,my need for others to praise me to make me feel important and my toxic self-destructive unforgivable behaviors were merely child’s play comparably to the catastrophic devastating narcissistic warfare she unleashed upon me. to all those readers out there indeed to get revenge on a narcissist is to ignore them my girlfriend cuts me off from all forms of communication which has driven me completely and utterly mad and has brought me to my knees. It has made me a miserable angry human being seating and plotting revenge against my evil twin . she lacks any sort of empathy for my broken heart. it’s cut and dry everything is my fault she can do no wrong she is smeared my name through our town to her family to my family she’s made me look to be the crazy monster in the relationship when she is the sweet innocent Angel that could never do any wrong. i and have decided that I am going to try to take the high road. and stop thinking about revenge and how to make her hurt because that’s not what I want I just want her to love me. but to do that I have to turn her off and cut off all my attempts to communicate with her it feels like I’m letting her when like she played me at my own game. Bottom line is if I can take anything from my situation is that karma’s a bitch and I’m getting paid back tenfold’s but it’s taught me very valuable lesson and that is: is the kind to others and don’t go in to a relationship asking yourself what this person can do for you but what you can do for them and just be kind and loving and honest.
It drives me crazy how most seem to “change their minds” so quickly and dramatically! Love-bombing then ignoring you…
I don’t know if I’m still not seeing things as I should be. I never wanted to be unfair to him and maybe this made me not respect me. I feel as if, well, if he’s got so much twisted love before, doesn’t he deserve to be loved the right way?
What kills me is that he makes me believe that he’s indeed capable of loving and wants to love/be loved… just not by me. I’m never enough to him, and no matter how much I’d be willing to work things out or to adjust, he doesn’t really think I’m worth the effort (this after love-bombing me and telling me otherwise).
I really don’t know if it’s personal or something he’d say in order to discard a hook. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Joe, do you think you feel anything is changing for you?
Yes, I absolutely do. Life is SLOWLY getting better. My wife and I fight less and less. I am more cognizant about my mouth and words I say.
It is a slow process but I definitely see a difference and progress.
– Joe
For Joe,
It takes enormous courage and strength to face the truth and then to make amends and to learn so many new ways to think and to act. I wish you every success for yourself and your Marriage. Please put away your defenses about ‘these people.’ Please practice empathy/compassion. I was married for 24 years and my husband always came first and I supported him in everything he wanted. Now I have nothing, no home, no furniture, nothing. All I have left is photos which remind me how my husband ended up treating me and our sons/his own children. Most of us here have lost more than everything we have ever worked for, we have lost our worth, our hope and we are literally shells of who we used to be. It’s the same damage as you had done to you as a child – everything that was good has been taken and now I’m middle aged and everything I’ve work for over twenty years I either gave to him feeling guilty for leaving or having to sell what was left without any job after hundreds of application. In Australia only 30% of people between 18 – 55 have work here now. Also remember that there are still many people who don’t understand disorders are directly caused by childhood trauma. I understand you pain because it was then enacted out on me and I understood your defensiveness because I as many here have tried to enact it – anything to save our Marriages and our Families. Defensiveness doesn’t work. Understanding another, compassion for another is all that matters. I read recently about a psychiatrist who was working with the triad of severe disorders and after I have researched for almost two years and understand the full effects of childhood trauma from my husband his siblings over 28 years, I believe this psychiatrist has found a breakthrough. He is now concluding his studies ready for publication and his treatment sounds simple and I believe incredibly effective but I understand it is very hard to do. Your facing the truth shows you have the courage and the strength and the genuine love inside of you ready to be practised. Each day for at least two hours at once or a couple of one hours or four half hours it doesn’t matter. Take a story like mine, or like anyone’s here or from a movie or a book or another real life story that has been told you before and really concentrate and write and think about all the ways that you can feel sorry for the person who has been harmed. Read everything you can about sympathy and compassion and every time you can do this it will eventually get easier for you until you can feel empathy – success. When you’re not acting or you’re not totally disinterested in another’s suffering, you will have successfully treated what was taken away from you as a little child. When you can genuinely feel for another, your life will change in ways that my husband called Cloud 9 and hoped this bubble would never burst. It felt amazing. It will possibly be a lifelong practice/ritual for you, but the rewards will be worth it. I wish you peace that comes with healing.
Joe, so interesting that you would use your own name, you dont mention having gone to therapy. Sorry but people like you ( i take it you have read Sam Varkin ) will never change, you see others as objects. U understand what u do but are unable to have feelings other than basic shame and rage. Maybe you are not a full blown narcissist and have some insight. However i suspect you have low narcissistic supply and thats why you have gone on this forum. Cynical? Definately……its another hunting ground for the likes of you. Ladies, please do not be suckered. If you want to know anything, look at Sam Varkins blog.
Wow! “Thanks GotTheTshirt!
This is such an excellent, perceptive assessment of Joe and his ilk.
Hi Joe,
First and foremost I commend you for acknowledging what you’re dealing with. I have a question maybe you can help me with. I just left the love of my life. We reconnected after 40 years. He was amazing in every way in the beginning. All the stories on this site have similarity to mine except for one thing. We started couples counseling. Our first session was a knock down drag out verbal bashing of each other. Even the therapist of shocked. The second session was better. At least we were able to look at each other. Finally when I couldn’t take it anymore and I was taking a Xanax just to walk in the door after work I told him I couldn’t stay in the relationship. That it just wasn’t healthy. He said “Well that wouldn’t be good for me, I love you, etc”. We went to one last counseling session that day and I told the counselor I was moving out. I looked at my love and said when was the last time you actually looked at me and told me you loved me and not in a text. He repeated the exact same question to me. I said two weeks ago but I couldn’t give him the exact example so he called me a liar in the session actually a f*cking liar. I then said you know you told the counselor you didn’t want to go into your past, and she said we would have to to try and help the relationship so I told her that he had been abandoned by his mother, physically, verbally and mentally by his father, his first wife cheated on him, he found out his second wife was a high class escort, that he was married a third time and had it annulled (which he never told me about; I found out by accident and he denied being married three times until I told him her name). I told that he smokes pot from the time he gets home from work around 3:00pm until he goes to bed. He also has a full glass of scotch going the entire time as well. He was outraged at my exposing him to the counselor but I was at my wits end. He got up and left the session. She asked him to stay and he refused. When I got home he accused me of throwing him under the bus. I told him if he would have stayed he would have heard me talk about my flaws as well. I’ve threatened to leave so many times and he’s always talked me out of it. I think because I told the therapist that he finally believed me this time. When I got home he told me he wanted me out by April 1st. I told him I would be out by Friday, which was sooner. He told me that if my ex husband was helping me move that he would get a restraining order. I told him that the police department was moving me. (They were all friends of mine) He told me that if I stayed past April 1st that he was going to charge me rent. He then said in a very calm voice…”Let me ask you something? Do you have any remorse about what you said to the counselor?”. I said no. I think if I had said yes he would have taken that as an apology and I would still be there. But I said no. I knew it was time to go. The next day I went to work and when I came home he was gone. He had packed a bag and left. I never saw him again. I moved out on Saturday, and he came back to the house on Sunday. We were set to move into a new house the week I left. He bought the house because he knew how much I loved it. What can you tell me if anything is going through his head? I’m sure that’s a very large request, but I am, like everyone else, trying to heal. Thanks so much for your time and taking the time to read this post. Everyone else talks about how he left them, but I left him, yet before I could actually get out he took off. That’s what I want to know. What this his form of control by leaving?
Actually, Joe, it is a choice and pretending otherwise is a classic narcissist tactic. If you really didn’t have a choice, then you would not be able to pick and choose who you show your narcissistic side to. You would not be able keep your abusive behavior for behind closed doors. You would not be able to lure a woman in by pretending to be a normal, caring guy. And for all those same reasons, narcissists do know better, and to claim otherwise is nonsense. What you’ve said are not facts, and are excuses. Your comment sounds like a typical narcissistic pity play.
Haaaaaa! I felt the same way when I read what he said…I put those same words coming out of my husbands mouth and immediately felt the fake front…just another excuse to be a jerk…and make me feel sorry for you and forgive you because “you can’t help it” and as soon as I back down, you’re back to the old evil you again!
These days the sympathy ploys are few and FARRRRRRRR between as now he has attemptedto lowered my self respect to: “I’m supposed to love and want him no matter how” he treats me …how arrogant!!!!!!! Ninja!!!
Just wanna throat chop him.
Joe, thanks so much for having the courage and compassion to share your perspective!! My “husband” hasn’t been diagnosed but with much prayer and studying, GOD revealed to me that this is a serious problem for him. What made you seek help? What, if anything, can a loved one do to encourage or drive their Narc to seek help as you have?
Joe, you scare me. I was married to a narc for 30 years and have been separated the last 5. You have all the right words. I know for a fact that a narc can not be cured or even change. The only reason you are on this site is to get praise and fulfill your twisted sick need for “supply” I’m sure they have a site for narcissist psyicopathic deviants. Go there and praise each other. You are a danger to any one who reads your words for you are nothing but a predator.
Joe, Thanks so much for your input. I think its wonderful that you are being pro-active about addressing your issues and trying to make things right moving forward. As most Narcs are quite contempt in the way they are and actually think others a pitiful and would rather be the one dishing out than taking.
Unfortunately I only realized by Ex husband was an Narc after are marriage had already ended, towards the end I realized something was terribly wrong as such started to research and alot of his characteristics were inline with Aspergers and which is actually very similar to Narcissism Disorder only differences is Aspies are born that way while Narcs have a learned behavior that has developed over time.
I really want to close the door on my 5 years of hell with my ex but unfortunately i have 2 children from the Marriage as such have to continue to deal with the situation. He had an older child from a previous marriage in which the mother of that child just zoned him out but her daughter suffered as result of her mother doing this, as she was left to deal with her fathers games and she has become quite the Narc herself which is so sad.
I’m just trying to find a happy medium where i can exclude my ex from my life but stay involved enough to protect my children (5 &2 yrs old)
I know my ex knows that he is a Narc but unlike Joe he is proud of this and chooses to continue to live with this darkness and victimize those close to him 🙁
Rita,
Sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately YOU realizing he has a disorder and HE accepting it is two different things. I was in denial for decades. Lost friends, money and almost my family. Put my wife through hell 10x over and the angel she is she stuck with me.
As far as for you, it is a catch 22. You need to remove him in ALL social aspects if possible and keep communication to a bare minimum. He (we) will wiggle our way in and use you. Manipulate you and suck you back in. I was a master at it and sadly hurt many people doing it.
The pride of having NPD is the sheer proof of how messed up he is. How can we be proud we have a disorder that makes us THINK we are better than anyone else? The fact he is proud of it is very sad and shows there is little hope he will get better and have a “normal” life.
I’ll be honest, there use to be a HUGE adrenaline rush using people. Beating them mentally and showing how much smarter and better I was then them. But looking back it was sad, I hurt many people and only showed that I was selfish, insecure and shallow.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I am always here to talk to or allow you to try and understand our twisted mindset. I still have weekly relapses but my wife and I try to reflect and look at what set it off, why I thought that way and what I can do next time to make it better and different.
– Joe
Hi Joe maybe you can help me determine if my wife has this illness by some things I see. One she doesn’t sleep w/ me but my kids they are already 8 & 12. I notice I’am not on one Facebook picture yet her whole life seems to be on there? I had a heartattack and no concern for me at all. Is this enough proof that I need to leave. I think she has me confused and whipped I cannot see what’s infront of me. Though I tell her that I will not accept her using me to pay her bills and owe her nothing. Thanks for your input in advance!
Joe, I have read widely about narcissism and most individuals it seems would never admit to being a narcissist. It is interesting you have gained the insight to try and deal with what’s not working for you. I was with my X for 3 years, in this time he burnt quite alot of friendships. His response was that everyone eventually leaves him but they are the idiots for not seeing how fantastic he is, in other words..their loss. Yes, he didn’t really care. He is in business for himself and I have seen him promise what he knows he can’t deliver just to make a sale. He used friends supposedly what his friends thought about me to pressure me many times into accepting is behaviour because apparently they couldn’t believe he would put up with me. He has lied and cheated with apparently no remorse. He has been abusive in every way. I left him and returned a total of 6 times. Now he wants me to give it another go and can’t understand why I wont. He ruined me financially etc. I have rejected his advances continually this time, now he’s frustrated and moved into abuse. It’s always someone elses fault. What I found very interesting is that you get a high from winning over people, I always thought it was about winning me back again. As soon as I returned he changed back to the man I left. He hates it when I started getting back on my feet when I leave him, this is my last rebuild. It’s been an exhausting time and he has hurt me over and over again. Thanks for sharing your experience. Very helpful and good luck
Ness,
If I cant admit it I can not fix my issue. Most of us would feel as though it is OTHERS that loss our friendship when the reality is it is WE that burn the bridges cause people can see how shallow we eventually are.
Remorse is a tough thing I still struggle with. It is a concept many of us do not understand, that emotion is lacking in many of us. Not through our fault but through a wall we build. Cheating or not, we don’t want to lose you ( our narcissist supply) but at the same time dont overly care that we hurt you. I see no the damage I have done and am learning to deal with the ramifications of my selfishness. I have an amazing wife that is still with me but certain things I will never get back (for now at least) because of the damage I’ve done.
The reason he wants you back is multifaceted. A – He wants to “Win”. By getting you back he proves to himself he is needed. B – He wants to not feel rejected, for most of us it is the worst and most VILE emotion. C – Needs to show himself he did nothing wrong, it is YOU that made the relationship fail. By coming back to him you prove he is superior and did nothing wrong.
He did get a high out of winning you back, but once completed he reverted back to who he truly is\was.
Sorry for your situation and hope you stay strong. Anyone can feel free to email me her rvulyenom at gmail.
Dear Joe
My husband is on a cusp of narcissism I think. His childhood trauma was the worst of his five siblings and he has never hurt a fly in the 25 years we have been married until now – he has betrayed our Marriage and regrets it but ended our Marriage because his narcissistic mother 76 told him to. He told me then our children then the one only Psychologist he would meet with me that ‘he can’t go against his parents’. I know he’s always needed their approval/admiration but I’ve tried to talk to him about them in order to save our Family but as you have written the denial is there and so strong.
Is there anything ever said to you or written or you’ve seen somewhere that helped you to become more aware, to accept and to admit? I wondered if there was some ‘break through’ moment of how you came to realise and know it.
One other thing I’ve read is there needs to be an intervention like someone who has an addiction where the loved ones speak or write of their love and concern and how his behaviour has made us feel. If you were talking to a (my husband said this) ‘so confused’ husband/father, what would you say to get through to him? Do you think there’s something he can hear? That would wake him up?
Helen,
Sorry to hear what you are going through. I am a unsure what to say about “bringing your husband to awareness” about his disorder. I will say I have spoken with a number of men that have this disorder and tell them all them same thing, this is something that is not our fault but something that will ruin our lives it is not gotten control over.
It is so programmed in our brains to react a certain way that one has to “step outside the box” and reflect on ones own behavior to see that we are not normal in our though process and social attributes.
I became aware because my life was crashing and I realized I would lose everything including that which was most dear to me, my wife. I cheated, lied and did all the things that the rest of the women’s husbands on here did, the only different was my wife is a saint and angel from God and stuck through it all until I “came out of it”.
We are working together and have seen tremendous progress. She knows I need to be able to talk to her about what is going on in my head and similarly she is aware of how she says things to me may have a negative impact due to my self insecurities. It is work in progress.
So, I dont kn ow what to tell you about snapping your hubby out of it other than it is something no one else can do but himself. We need to accept we are dysfunctional in many ways, something most wont and cant admit.
– Joe
Thank you for your response Joe, it is deeply appreciated. I am very slowly coming to terms that I hear everywhere and from everyone that there’s nothing I can do or say. I am very happy for you and your wife and wish you all the Very Best.
Hi Joe,
I have been with my ex partner,(narcissist) for 19 years. In my case, it is so similar to most others I have read. I left him for good 6 weeks ago and have managed ‘no contact,’ absolutely. (I left him 6 times before that but did not take my furniture or my dear dog so had to go back.) He has texted me twice to say-‘if you need money, tell me,’ which I have ignored. My mobile rang with a ‘with held’ on the screen, so I let it ring and ignored it.
The latest is he has sent me a cheque for £250, which I will not cash. (i have not returned it, just ignoring it.) Years ago, he stalked me every day for over 3 weeks until I gave in.
I know that ignoring him will drive him bonkers, but you see, even if he wants revenge, he cannot really do anything, as I happen to know that he owes about £10,000. (to the council where he lives.) If I reported him, he would lose his freedom and have to pay it. (He has not got that much in his bank.) So what will happen to him, psychologically, due to the fact that he is.. I suppose, “trapped,” with no recourse to revnge, as to hurt me he would have to hurt himself?
Please email me. I am married to a NAR man and he love PDA been married 5 years and he shows in words everyday he loves me but when i am at work..he text woman from the internet and sometimes call for phone sex. Say he wants his marriage and doesnt understand that for 5 years this has been going on has damaged me sooo much i cannot enjoy him sexually nor believe he loves me as much as he says.
I’m a full blown diagnosed narcissist, it sucks. I’m trying to not lose a 25+ year marriage to a beautiful caring woman. I know I have problems, therapy hasn’t helped but sights like this have. I actually would enjoy therapists, I would run circles around them, and confuse them to the point of asking me not to return. This was BEFORE I really accepted my disorder for what it is, a mental DISORDER.
When something happens in my life I try and step back, see how a narcissist would react, ask a friend and then react accordingly.
I think people don’t fully understand it’s not a choice we are like this. It’s a coping mechanism we built as a child and in many ways know no different. Not an excuse just a simple fact. It’s instinctive to act ans behave a certain way and getting past t that is tiresome, exhausting and draining. But, I push forward to try and undo 40+ years of wrongful thinking.
I apologize for everything you ladies are going through. It is a terrible mental disorder that is VERY hard for the individual with it to accept. I am a work in progress and grateful everyday my wife is with me.
Like the site and I learn how to change by reading and listening to people such as you who have been hurt by people like me.
Sorry for the above post, I was replying somewhere else and placed it here. I have no way to delete it.
I always asked myself “what the hell is wrong with him” why can’t he just stay! Truth is he could not even if he told himself he really wanted too. He supposedly is in therapy and hopefully she will be able to diagnose him properly and for his sake help him. I pray for him, but at the same time so angry with him. Feeling very lost and alone by all of this. I lost someone that I really never knew. Makes no sense of to me right now. As time passes perhaps someday my mind and heart will be free
Hey, Joe ! What is your email address? I would like to ask you some questions about my somatic narcissist.
Thx
Rj
Hey RJ, feel free to email me at rvulyenom@ gmail.com
Look forward to hearing from you and hope I can answer any questions you may have.
– Joe
When people call the abusive narcissist person in their lives “My narcissist” it makes them sound very co-dependent with the abuser.
Hi.
My husband tried to leave me in September 2013 as he had been out for a drink with a female colleague and apparently wanted to end it after 13 years of marriage. I was a mess as before that we had had arguments like any other couple but I didn’t realise he had apparently been unhappy for 2 years. We had had a baby in that time, our 4th and she was only 4 months old when he tried to go. He treated me appallingly from sept to the April when I told him to go. I found text messages saying how in love he was with this woman and she was with him. I truly believe he is a narcissist as he displays most of the traits listed on websites. What I cannot understand is why he has done this to me and our four children ? He has lied and took great pride in not spending Easter Sunday with us but spent it with his mistress. He swore on the children’s lives that he wasn’t cheating on me. He controlled all finances, removed every penny from my bank account and took my car. I have managed to get my feet back on the ground and got myself a car. I don’t understand it at all we were having sex everyday (sometimes twice) and he really wanted a fifth baby. I’m now wondering if that was all about control too. He always used to say I was lucky to find him who was willing to give me lots of children. I’m just looking for a bit of advice really ! Thanks in advance
Jen,
Hard to say if he is a narcissist from the info you have given here on this page. Sounds to me like a mid life crisis and he wants his cake and eat it too.
Dont confuse sex with love and love with sex. For a man sex for the most past is a physical act, for women it is typically an expression of love. Having sex with him is not going to keep him or make him stay. What it may do is get you and STD depending on where his mistress has been.
Sorry to hear about your situation and hope it improves. Just remember that is it not always something you have control over to fix and you need to look out for you and the children first and foremost.
– Joe
please joe, could you read my post on july 18th. do you think he is ‘looking’ to be punished? (i have not reported him though.)
I couldn’t find it.
Feel free to email me at rvulyenom at gmail
I dont know where you posted that on the 18th so I can not respond, sorry.
– Joe
Hi Joe, it is under,’The narcissist hates to be ignored,’ and I posted it on July 18th at 08.39 am. Best. Jo
I ended the relationship with mine after only 4.5 months. Too many lies and hiding stuff, going behind my back. Then there was the emails to the ex I found out about. Cut all ties and then got dozens of phone calls and emails and texts for 2 weeks (guess this is what they call the hovering), first angry, then insulting, then right back to pleading how much love for me.
wrote a long detailed email explaining why I have to move on. it outlined the relationship what I didn’t like about it (each thing I listed was a Narc trait/pattern).
she went silent.
not a single form of communication, then I started getting a ton of these silent/quiet phone calls from out of state numbers from all over the country. some would hang up right away if I answered with my voice. If I said anything then the caller sat there quiet but I could hear background noises and breathing. this has been going on for 5 weeks now. sometimes a few days will go by without a single call, then I will get hit with 7 to 10 of them, one right after the other, for up to an hour.
I have read online that this is a form of punishment that they do to keep them in your mind, or maybe it is the only way to let out their anger.
to all of you on here suffering, keep you head up. I am just now coming out of the “fog”, start hitting the gym again tomorrow. no more drinking and dwelling on if I was cruel, even though all of the signs were there, for leaving her like I did.
worst part in all of this is the self doubt I feel/felt. it hangs on to you, drives you crazy
Rick,
Sorry to hear you had to go through all that. I am sure she is regretting the separation. You disempowered her, very hard to handle that as a narcissist.
Best of luck and soon there will be no more calls !!!
– Joe
Thanks Joe,
the calls have finally stopped and it has been one week. my anxiety and self doubt has gone down by as much as 80%, now I just have to deal with the embarrassment of knowing I was so easily manipulated by someone that has probably been pulling the same approach/strategy/manipulations on all/many of her past partners.
I just hope she doesn’t try contacting me again as I know I was an extremely good source of supply but my last communication with her should have hit home that I have had enough.
thanks again
Rick,
No reason to be embarrassed, we are masters of deception and manipulation. We can run circles around many trained therapists. We thrive on using, manipulating and showing how great we are and better we are.
I pray she is gone and you can move on with your life.
– Joe
Thanks Joe,
I really appreciate the positive reinforcement from you. helps a lot but cant help the way I feel.
she use to always tell me over and over again that she has always had the ability to just walk away from any guy she was in a relationship if it didn’t work out. she says it only took her a week at the most to get back to being single.
the disempowerment that you suggested I did to her never even occurred to me. maybe that is why I received 77 prank calls on my phone via Skype in 5 weeks time.
my gut tells me she wont try to weasel her way in. I made it clear to her that I communicated the issues I was having with her to my family and friends and told her what they thought about all of it. if she was to come back, she would have to face them which means she would not be looking good.
calls have pretty much stopped at this point. I might get a blocked number hear and there or a random 661 area code (out of state/Skype) call but it only happens maybe 1 a week now. my instinct tells me I got the better of her in this before she got to completely turn me inside out. I was almost there in such a short period of time.
2 days after it all ended I did research on her, with help from friends, and found out she had been lying about some serious other issues like her ex that was suppose to be living in another state but was still here. that her ex was only 2 years younger than her but was actually only 21 (she is 30). her ex described their relationship as being “on again, off again and has been going on for quite some time”. I can only imagine she was with someone so inmature and ready to tell their story because he easy to control.
the point of me posting all of this ? I don’t know. I feel like I need a vacation, to get away to get this off of my mind. I ended it but I feel defeated and don’t know why.
This is tougher than I thought it was going to be, if I hear from her I will run to this blog for advice as I am exhausted.
I have been no contact from malignant narc ( my adopted ‘parent’ ) female . Almost 2 years now never been happier , hope she suicides tbh , yes I have deep empathy for humans and animals and nature etc but not one bone in my body cam honestly coexist on this planet with ‘ it’ a name it blessed me withwhile scapegoating a child to makeherself feel betterabout her very very obvious inherant genetic disability , and yes I will call it that I was an ablebodied , minded child yet this evil monstrosity decidedshe would label me a theif from age 2 , a drug baby ( which I certainly was not ) disabled or mentally ill at 12 whenpeople started to notice her SICK behaviours , then homeless as my golden child adopted older brother flitted around the world on her credit cards , and enjoyed extavagent birthday parties and the sort whilei was locked in a girls jail after being sexually abused on the streets that were my home I saykill yourself Mrs Robinson, for the good of all humanity. So nowyoupsychiatrists know how a scapegostcan react after 42 years of constant unrelenting gaslighting scapegoating and bu
lyingfabricating my entire lifeto others yet showsabsolutely no intetest in my actual life unless it was to deeply upset me , all my ‘ relatives ‘ know me as theone who pulled one over Helen that is very obviously NOT thecase at all I was a ypung vulnerable child this womanand I use the term very loosely isscum of the earth a parasite thst needs to be exterminated only ill leave that to her next victim, and enjoy my loving children and mybeautiful grandchild who also never want to see theevil ‘ it’ I once let them call Nana !
A woman has recently been employed at my work, and I strongly suspect she is a narcissist. Unfortunately, I have been supplying her with the attention and adulation she desires, and am now scrambling to get out of it! From what I’ve read online the best thing for me to do would be just not to work on her shifts, but this will be super inconvenient for me. As a passive and timid sort of a person, I’m a bit frightened to ignore her, for fear of her reaction! It will be easy for me to stop disclosing personal info, and it will be reasonably easy to just pay her less attention in general, but every time we see each other, she parades in front of me saying “Have I lost weight? Do you think I’ve lost weight?” Previously, I always said “Yes! You look great!” (even though I can’t really notice a difference) Oh if only I’d known what hole I was digging myself into!! So I’m not sure how I’ll go about answering her the next time she asks me this. If I say “I can’t really tell”, this is likely to deeply offend and/or enrage her isn’t it? I’m not sure what I’ll say to be honest! Anyone have any tips on a response to this question I KNOW is going to be directed at me??
@Becca:
You are in a precarious situation where you have become a pipeline for narcissistic supply. So if you pull the plug now, there will likely be hell to pay. The best advice I can give you is to try to turn the tide, by covertly using compliments as the reason for changing your behavior.
Next time she asks this question, you could say, “You know, I’ve been thinking, that you are such a special person, that you shouldn’t be valuing yourself by your weight. So I am not going to encourage that by replying anymore. It’s you that really makes you the special person you are”.
Then do everything you can, not to allow her to open up a new pipeline for supply, all the while never allowing her to feel diminished in your eyes.
But I can tell you, that these people REQUIRE you to feel they are special, and if that’s not given to them, you will regret it big time. So always allow them to believe you think they are “special” but never let it go any further than that. Just act like your work and your life is just too busy to discuss anything in detail. (Before I get hate mail – this is the advice for people you have to WORK with, not for NPD’s that you LIVE with.)
Brilliant advice! Thank you so much. I shall definitely adopt this approach.
Hi Joe,
You are the one I am most interested in. It’s rare that we get to get some insight into your side of this. Thank you for sharing. Hopefully we can help each other.
I have story that is just like all the other stories of those on this site who have been involved in a narcissistic relationship. One thing that is so hard for us to understand is that the one thing they seemed to need is love and admiration, but then it never seems to be enough.
Hope to hear from you Joe!
Sherry
I would never placate a narcissist by telling them how “special” they are as a means to somehow gain distance. Saying that will have the exact opposite effect on them. I’ve unfortunately been on the receiving end of TWO sociopaths in this life time. To me, socios are narcissism in its worst capacity. Re being setup with “have a lost weight?” proddings, I would respond in a direct yet civil manner and limited eye contact say “I’m here to work, not to be an approvals rating” and go right back to working. They’ll have to find a new audience (victim) elsewhere.
I’m sorry to contradict you, but having seen narcissists in action at my work all my life, and having successfully dodged their abuse although seen many others succumb to it – I can guarantee you that the above response “I’m here to to work, not be an approvals rating” will definitely inflict an injury that a narcissist will make you pay for.
I think the most empowering thing for me was the moment I learned that my narcissist ex was just that: a narcissist. I had a little mermaid moment and got my voice back.
After being valued, devalued, and discarded for the third and final time, I said enough was enough and cut off contact for good. It was hard, but I just kept a note handy reminding me of his crimes (cheating, lying, two-timing, treating me like a yo-yo, and gaslighting).
Also, reading books about narcissist partners helped tremendously. When you find yourself nodding and wide eyed when reading those books, the healing and recovery can finally begin. After chocolate and wine of course.
My narcissist ex contacted me regularly for 6 months after cutting off contact. He was blocked on social media, email, and phone – but he would email from accounts he knew I did not know about. I finally broke no contact and told him to cease and desist. In my case, ignoring all contact wasn’t working. He just tried a different channel. I haven’t been contacted in 6 months, so hopefully that is a part of my life is all over. However, if another email crops up, I won’t be surprised.
Hi out there my name is carol January it wii be 5 worse years of my like ihad to move out of my state were I lived all my life I don’t know any I am living with a cebrol narcissistic man and this evening is not a good one I try not to listen to he mouth tonight is very hard I am starring to cry can’t do that I have a stalmeent coming be for the first of the yesr and I will move back home I pray I just don’t know how long I can deal with him
Hey Carol,
Sorry to hear what you are going through. Avoid him at all costs and cut off contact.
– Joe
My husband of 8yrs. was the sweetest person I met in a long time since my husband death in 97. The funny thing when we met I owned 2 homes and had a good income coming, he is a contractor but owed the IRS $80,000. We met in Jan. 2005 and he surprised me with an engagement ring 3 months later and insisted we get married in Sept and we did had a nice wedding, I was his first marriage and this was my 3rd, but I was a widow for 8yrs. He has so good to me so I got him a lawyer and he claimed chapter 13 with the IRS and only had to pay $10,000 back over 5 yrs. I bought him a new truck which he promised to make the payments but work wasn’t doing well so I sold one house and paid the 32,000 off for the truck. In 2010 is when things started happening, he wanted me to buy this house way up in the mountains so I did and when I went to closing he wanted to be on the deed I told him he was still in chapter 13 and wasn’t allowed to own anything, but he insisted since he only had 7 months to go and I didn’t want to say anything at the office so he got put on. Then he wanted me to sell the truck because it would get all messed up in the mountains, so I sold it bought a 92 pickup and got $16,000 in cash so now this truck is in his name only and he holds the cash, which I never see again. Now he buys this other house in 2011 for $750.00 and refuses to put me on the deed said Im unstable, This house was a tax sale up here houses are cheap, so I got mad and we started yelling and the next day he leaves me for 2 months, I was so devastated, but let me explain this 3 months before his grandma dies and leaves him $37,000, this is Oct, 15, 2011 he gives me a kitchen which we didn’t have because of no money, he buys a $10,000 motorcycle and a car for $4,000, and xmas day I got nothing from him it was the next day he leaves me, comes back in Feb. broke and has a check from his dad for $4,000 you do the math. So he asks me to let him get a loan to fix up the other house by putting a lien on my house and he promised to put me on the deed and he would make the payments, so I do then 5days after he gets the loan he takes all the money and opens a bus. account and withdraws it from our acc. Now Im paying half the loan and his dad pays the other and Im still not on the deed. So much is happening that you would think that I’m crazy for allowing all this. Well I just got a PFA on his 2 weeks ago because he hit me and threatened to smash my face and bury me in the yard, he told me everything is my fault and that I deserve whats happening to me because I get to emotional over things. I cry all the time and beg him to forgive me, but now that the granted the PFA for 3yrs. I know I must have no contact, but I still look up things to try and figure out what is wrong with him. But everything I read about NPD is a picture of him, could I be wrong? please help me to figure this out is it me
Hello Joe
Yes, you’re ex sounds just like mine ex n is. He wait’s in till I have everything ready for what ever place we have gotten since six months after we started to date and I knew he was controlled by his mother who was a narcissist that was really bad to him and his brother but not to his sister. But back to us. I would unpack and make it feel like home. He would have to go out and date someone or find someone to talk to than just me. I thought about almost a year went by it was the happiest I have ever been in my life. He had a awesome paying job and so I could go to school while his two kids aND my two children when they were going to school for themselves. So that way I could be there to watch them. One day it just like magic he didn’t text me telling me good morning sweetheart how are you? To nothing and so I didn’t say anything about it it wasn’t that big deal till he started to work odd hours and we just didn’t have sex there was no touchy feely thing. So I wanted to know what he was doing on his phone All the time after work and THATs when I started to leave him because I still had my own place just wanted to get out of my lease or resign for another year soon. As soon as I felt like I don’t need him and he was wrong he would come back with more passion and I was happy to get to be able to be all touchy feely knew you wanted me and I would move back. And that’s would repeat that way around every six to nine months and I learned that he was a narcissist about four five months ago and when I told him he got so upset at me like how dareI try to get us help and only find a name to a what he is but nothing about where to go with it and how would he be looked at going to therapy for the reason everyone is the problem andhe wasn’t the problem even though I have been hurt badly so many times I keep getting back with him till I told him tonight that I will not take down. My order of protection I have to make sure that he doesn’twant me or least keep him away if he is getting badly and we are fighting like cats and dogs. Anyways I am hoping maybe you can help me figure out how to get him to see what he is doing? And then told on me it’s taking. I have Had relationship since I left my ex n. On the same day my father died because he would not come to me and take me to my father so I could say goodbye and so ever since I left him he has really been going down hill and he lost his job and place his kids moved in with his ex wife aND she knows how he is too and not letting him have any contact with his own children. So what can I do to help him see he needs to get better or he will be locked up forever and I don’t want that for him because I still do love him Unconditionally.
you are not wrong he is a con man psycopath
Sounds like my Aunt Jean in Florida, she calls herself nannie. She destroyed her two children, her grandchildren and even plays favorites with her great grandchildren. My family has watched her play her games for more than 50 years, she promised the family business to every family member and her friends for decades, but still sits on her lazy ass in her deteriorating business, playing divide and conquer by phone. Currently she gets most of her narc. supply from one dumb grandson “Jamie” that is essentially an alcoholic in his 20’s. Thankfully the rest of the family has begun or has figured out she is nothing but garbage. Poor old james still hangs around looking for a hand out.
He would jump through a hoop or ring of fire for a little more attention from nannie! LOL
It is hard to breathe reading all of these stories. I know in my head I am not alone but the pain seems very lonely. After 18 year marriage, 2 actual divorces and 4 total filings, two protection orders and many times of leaving and coming back after destroying his life, I am divorced and free from my Narc. Except, we now have joint physical custody and legal custody. Which doesnt matter because he doesnt see the kids and has gone no contact. Sometimes I worry about myself thinking maybe I am the true narcissist! He makes me feel like it because I fought for my kids to keep them away from his drinking, drugs, reckless behavior and abuse. He literally told his new supply (32 year old with two small kids – hes 42) that I was abusive and would beat him. My jaw hit the floor. Blatant lies and I have spent the better part of a year defending myself.
I have to go no contact as much as possible. I have to free my mind and heart. I just want to know why he still occupies my thoughts after a year? Why does he still matter. He isnt anyone I want to be around but i am still hurt.
Hi Dawn,
He will likely occupy your thoughts for a while, especially since you have children together. The ties will be harder to break. It is also difficult because he is pulling you back in with lies and he knows it will invade your mental real estate. Narcs know where to get you and which buttons to push. It makes them feel alive. He may be trying to get to you by feeding lies to the new supply.
My advice is to keep a list of his offenses and read it every time he occupies your thoughts. You will need to condition yourself to see him as the person he really is and evaluate him by his actions rather than the false persona projects. You can also try the rubber band technique.
You will have little control over his lies. Trust that people will eventually see the truth. Just remember that many of the people believing these lies are his current victims. They are already sucked in and under his spell. Unfortunately, they will learn soon enough ( after being discarded).
Also, you narc ex will make you feel like the crazy one. It is called gaslighting. It is very common and you are not alone on that one at all!
Stay strong and hang in there!
Reading all these stories is a real revelation. I have made a vow to myself to read stuff like this daily, as I am recently ended with a narc & keep feeling tempted to text him, further supplying him, & enduring more stonewalling. I feel my mental health has been seriously compromised. It will take time to heal.
Early on in my 4 year, crazy on/off relationship, I realised I was dealing with narcissism. I also had the woman who was the supply prior to me approach me & warn me. I still made excuses. My ex had a background of long term drug use & had a traumatic brain injury & broken back from a car accident in which he lost a family member, & his partner. I felt for him as I am very empathic, possibly co-dependant. I have a background of childhood DV, where I had to be almost a carer for my mother with mental health issues, so I have been a ‘soft-touch’ for all manner of abusive lovers & friends over the years. I’m currently nearing the end of my training in welfare work, & I have come a long way in my self awareness.
I guess the manipulation is the thing I struggle with. I don’t know how many times I went through the seduce/revere/devalue/discard/gaslighting cycle. He is smart, a great guitarist, handsome, witty, sexy. He was very good at using sex as a tool to reel me back in, as we had amazing chemistry. Problem is, he was super controlling of me, & at the slightest provocation, or minor criticism, would be verbally abusive, storm off, then stonewall, blame me & cheat. Everything would be blamed on me, sometimes my teenage son, who came to despise this man.
I broke it off earlier this year, mainly due to the DV & abuse, minimised (but didn’t cease) contact, & was barraged with 600+ texts & calls. He was convinced that I must have another man, & was obsessive & distraught, hinting at suicide. I actually had a suicidal friend come & stay, & was immediately accused of having an affair with this man. I started to get worried something would happen to him. He had broken it off with me many times, this was the first time I did this.
I succumbed (was it out of guilt?), & was lured back with promises of change. He was even going to seek psychological support (months later, he is only just about to have the first session, mainly due to our overburdened welfare system). The cycle re-established, but I was aloof, & guarded, & he seemed to be trying, mainly. He recently went all out, pressuring me to live with him, saying he wanted us both to ‘get help’, that he’d given up philandering, had even knocked back an offer of sex because of his ‘great love’ for me whilst absolutely obsessed that I had rejected & damaged him by the earlier break-up, as I had ‘another man’ in my house & bed. It didn’t matter what I said, his narc fury would erupt often. It was so draining, & I started to question my sanity.
Because he was seeking help, I allowed myself to have a little hope. After a particularly lovely, passionate weekend together, he went out, leaving his facebook open (he is usually scrupulous about his privacy). I’ve never done this, but I checked his messages with a woman friend that supplies him with constant comments & flirtation. There, in black & white, were very sexual messages, him wanting her to masturbate on skype with him, entreaties for her to visit & have sex (she lives interstate) etc. He even used the exact same expressions he uses with success with me when trying to seduce me back after a fight. The worst part was how he referred to me, ‘the fuckwit I wasted 4 years with’, that he only comes back to me as he has ‘no other options for sex’. Not one thing he said about me was positive. No mention of his great love for me at all. Classic narcissism. I was stunned, & when he came back I calmly confronted him. He could see how hurt I was, & apologised profusely & was embarrassed. This degenerated into blaming me for his behaviour, & into a huge fight during which I almost lost control. I even dropped a glass jar near him as he wouldn’t stop yelling abuse at me. Luckily, it didn’t smash. He went on & on goading me including saying things about family that he knew would really wound. He left the next morning screaming abuse.
After all this, he went into avoidance. I could tell he was shamed. He wouldn’t see me or speak on the phone, only via texts. He had explanations for his duplicity. He hadn’t meant it, he was hurt, angry, lonely, rejected, hopeless etc etc. Actually, he had been lining up his next supply, as the writing was on the wall for us. He just couldn’t get over me ending the relationship, or being in the company of another man. He has hit the pit of despair, totally alone, as he has driven off everyone but his mother, who enables his behaviour & waits on him hand & foot
After a fortnight of avoidance, & bursts of angry as well as open texts, & facebook messages between us, I drew a very firm boundary. I was not putting up with any more emotional abuse, stonewalling, lying, womanising, even online. I told him that his behaviour is narcissistic, & the feelings I get as a result. My son also sent him an abusive message in response to this guy writing him a long message, detailing that we have ‘issues’ & laying much of the blame with me. That was it, he sent a text ending the ‘relationship’, & has cut all contact. I foolishly cried all day, & sent many texts. A day later I had calmed down.
I believe that he has probably already lined up the next object, or soon will. He & I are both aware how destructive& toxic this all is. He has been very depressed as a result, almost suicidal. I find myself self-blaming, I knew what I was dealing with all along, but somehow deluded myself that love could conquer all. Usually, the pattern is, I go through deep pain, & feelings of worthlessness, just like when I got bashed as a kid, let go, & start rebuilding my self esteem, then he re-appears. Neither he or I can let that happen. I know some part of him is aware of what he is doing, he doesn’t do it with everyone, mainly his intimate partners. He keeps speaking of the idealised love he seeks with a woman that understands him. I often said, he’s need a saint, or a stupid woman, or someone that was so smitten (like me at times), that she’ll tolerate anything. The more I challenged him on his behaviour, the more fury I copped. The only time I felt real tenderness, or love with him, was during sex. I think what he wrote to the other woman is how he really views me.
I hope I can recover from this. Today I feel empowered, yesterday, messed up.
I don’t regret showing compassion, love & forgiveness with this man. Through this experience, I can see the depth of my childhood trauma, my co-dependant & addictive traits. It has been a hard, but valuable lesson. My son needs to heal from it too. All this DV & dysfunction has seriously impacted on him. I’m glad I never lived with the guy. I may not have been here now.
I lived through this same scenario for 17 years. Everyone thought I was stupid keep going back even when I knew the lies, the cheating, and then I also saw the Facebook messages, yet went back time in time again. Highly successful, never needed him for anything. But I loved him. Reading this forum helps me to heal as I know now, it was never my fault and I could never do anything more right. It was all going to happen irregardless.
Hi, I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS Joe for opening up your eyes to something so easy to close your eyes to and blame others and especially your loved ones..it is not an easy step but life will be 10000x time better after that, don’t ever give up..you Can do It..the hardest step is already conquered which was facing your narcissic behaviour (admitting)..don’t forget to thank your girlfriend for all the support it isn’t easy for her to live with you and all those years she had to deal with that disease..because to me it’s some kind of disease! I’m just out of a 3+ years Relationship with a narcissist with whom i had a wonderful little girl and trust me it ain’T easy. It break our hearts to see how poorly a narcissist can treat his loved ones and how much energy as a gf you burn trying to get your boyfriend to realize but I didn’t succeed because I wanted him to heal more than heself..and i understand Deb I think who wrote how frustrating it is that friends etc. doesn’t see it because they somehow play a game and they won’t let that ugly side show to everyone..eventually the smart ones do Wake up tho…we had a mutual friend who that I was the crazy one and everything was all on my back until he back stabbed him too and my friend said he was sorry for always believing his stories and always assuming i was the Wrong one. I was even told that some people talked about me at work how crazy I am because our mutual friend then went and spoke shit about me because he didnt know any better..so yah basically strangers are talking shit about me, they havent met me once..but IF THEY ONLY KNEW the hell me and my daughter been through..if only they knew the pain, hurt…if they knew how i’ve tried and how disappointed and heartbroken I’ve been each and single time..because its been a rocky road, on and off all the time.
Going on 5 weeks broke up now and i know he already has someone else lined up..actually he’s been so cold to us the last 2 weeks he was living with us so it was already on the go… To all narcissist people, your other one or ex whatever isn’t blind or stupid…
But Way to Go Joe!!! I have respect for you for opening up your eyes instead of being weak and always throw the blame on people who loves you dearly!
Keep it Up! And a hugeeee hug to your wife/gf she’s definitely a strong woman!
Joe … you have my attention and my curiosity! I would like to ask you if you know what your childhood trama was? After discovering that my ‘ex’ was/is a Narcissist my mind started to reel and I was obsessesd with figuring out what/why/where/how he became Narcissistic. After reading so much on the subject and told that Narcissism is possibly caused from some childhood trama I FINALLY think I know what it was. So I’d like to know if you know what your trama was and if you do is it something you can share? I think my ‘ex’ attempted to tell me once (in the beginning…1985!!) but then chickened out because it was humiliating/embarassing for him. He had told me that his first sexual encounter was when he was 9 years old (9 … WTF?????) but then told me it was with a neighborhood girl who was 12. As my mind has recently reeled to put 2+2 together it occured to me what could have possibly happened to him. #1 Scenario: the first thing he ever told me about his half-sister (she is 3 years older than him … 9+3=12!!) is that “I hate my sister” and his actions towards her confirmed it! So I think she could have possibly seduced him/forced him to have sex with her, as some kind of control over him, etc! (she used to beat him up too). #2 Scenario: he told me that his mother used to walk around the house topless (I’m not sure if he said nude, as well … I think my mind just couldn’t handle some of the things he would tell me and finally tuned it out). So….. his mother could have seduced him!?!? I was also told by his fathers new wife that my “ex’s” mother used to come onto all of her daughters (the half-sister) boyfriends after the divorce. The daughter (half-sister) became a drug addict and had a very disturbing teen-life (had to go to rehab, was the slut of the neighborhood, etc.). He also told me that he wasn’t much of a fan of his father and that he didn’t want to be anything like him (note: he was 21 when we met and this is when I was told these things). His father became more interested in becoming wealthy (after the divorce) and the mother was more interested in finding a man (she had multiple affairs with married men) so then the children were ‘latch-key kids’ and could ‘run the streets’ and no one knew what they were doing! I’m sure he never really felt loved by his parents, and the half-sister resented him because her ‘real’ father wanted nothing to do with her and the ‘new’ little brother had two ‘real’ parents in this family dynamic and probably got all the attention after he was born … until the parents divorced and everything went to hell for the children!
I’ve read where we (the supply/vicitims) are supposed to feel sorry for the Narcisssit because of the ‘trama’ they experienced in their childhood, which has caused them to become the “monsters” that they are. I haven’t quite gotten there yet and am not sure I ever will. I can’t seem to release the hate and resentment that I have for my ‘ex’ … as he has been extremely deceitful, hateful, manipulative and cruel. He drained my heart and my soul and I am left so ’empty’ and just can’t seem to repair the damage (at age 57). I guess I’m too insecure and scared that I could attract another Narcissist and I just COULD NOT bear the idea of going through ANY of that ever again. I guess it’s better to be alone/lonely than mentally/emotionally ‘tortured’ by someone … AGAIN!
So, my ex narc left me three months ago after a 3.5 year relationship for the woman he was involved with before me…a 17 year relationship I had no knowledge of, in fact, it is my belief that they never ended that relationship even though he was “living” with me. A month after he left, he calls me about a freezer he’d bought to replace one I’d had prior to the relationship that went out; I was going to sell it cause I was trying to move out of state because I couldn’t deal with the rejection I felt when he left and I wanted to start over someplace else. His mom asked how much I was selling it for, etc; I told her to call him for the details cause he charged it and had the paperwork. He immediately called me and told me the freezer was not mine to sell and that he wanted me to just hand it over to his mother. Yeah right…I asked him the night he walked out what he wanted to do with that freezer and he told me to keep it. Now all of a sudden, it’s not mine.
Anyway, I told his mom after that conversation that I was not going to just give it to her as my reason for selling it was for the money cause the ex left me with no money or job but if she wanted to buy it, she could like any other person. I totally expected the ex to call back and bitch but he didn’t. I installed an number blocker on my phone just in case. In the meantime, he had my internet and satellite services turned off and I knew it wouldn’t be long that he would try to contact me to get the equipment, cause the fees are high if these places don’t get back their equipment. Two weeks later, the ex began calling & texting for the next three weeks, several times a week. I didn’t respond; I deleted texts and the number blocker would not let anyone with a blocked number go to voicemail.
The day after Thanksgiving, the ex calls. I don’t answer. Five minutes later, my landlady who lives about 100 ft. from my house calls and asks me if I’m okay. I say, yes, why? She says the ex was just at her house and wanted to know if I still lived here because he’s been calling and I’m not answering my phone. She says she told him “as far as I know she’s still living there”. She knows about the breakup and I tell her I’m avoiding him, which she understands. Now, it’s been almost three months since the ex has seen me at all. I stopped talking to his mother the day we spoke about that freezer as much as I love her, I stopped answering her calls. NO ONE he knows has seen me, I don’t go places I know he goes to, I avoid certain roads at certain times of the day, etc. It was like I dropped off the face of the earth.
I knew eventually I would have to give him that internet and satellite equipment but I was going to make him wait for it. I was not going to jump and answer his calls/texts just because he was GRACING me with communication. He was not used to me ignoring him in the same manner that he had been ignoring me. See, before he went to my landlady’s house, he didn’t really know I was purposely in no contact mode. He thought he was doing it to me but after talking to her, he knew that if she could call me, then I must be ignoring him. That made him burn the phone line up even more. Also, my thought was, if he was so desperate to get the equipment and he knew i was ignoring him, why didn’t he send me a registered letter, put a note on my door or car (which by the way, was parked in front of my house the day he knocked on my landlady’s door) or send the sheriff to my house with a court order? By this point, he’d been trying to call/text for four weeks, why not send a letter?
Anyway, last Friday was my birthday as well as his uncle’s (HE WILL FOREVER REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY!). I was on the phone with a cousin and he calls. I finish my call then I text him…”yes?”. He calls again..I wait then text him…”????”. He text back ” I need that equipment”. I wait…then text back ” you can get it tomorrow at 11 am” . Two hours later, he texts back “Happy Birthday, wish u many more”. I didn’t respond; I wanted to throw up!
Anyway, I decided that when he came the next day, I was going to look the best he’s ever seen me so I put on heels, stockings, skirt, low cut blouse, make up, fingernails done, White Diamonds perfume, hair loose and looking good. As a side note, I had a little sexcapade a few days before with a friend, who left a passion mark on my neck and one right where the blouse crisscrossed on my chest that I didn’t bother to try to hide. So when I saw his truck pull into my driveway, I came out my house while on my phone and slowly strolled down the ramp (I have a handicapped ramp) and went to my car to get a paper that I needed to get as he pulled up. He sat there for a minute in the truck as I slowly strolled back up to my door. When I turned around, he was behind me so I went into the house and pushed my door together while I gathered up the equipment then I took it outside on the porch and handed it to him. I had to go back into the house to get some other items and took them out to him. He asked about the equipment and we definately didnt talk about anything personal. A couple of minutes later, he got in his truck and left…no goodbye, see ya or anything not that I expected it.
The ex didn’t look happy; he looked kind of busted…faded jeans, a old work shirt and boots on unlaced; cigarette hanging from his mouth. Now, I don’t know if that “unhappy” look was due to the way I looked…like he might have been thinking..damn! She looks beautiful and I lost that or I don’t even know if he really *saw* me, as in the way I looked, like maybe he noticed those passion marks and now he know I’m no longer sitting around crying like he *thought* I might be, still brokenhearted. I’m not sure he actually paid attention to what I looked like, but one thing is for sure, I didn’t look like that all the time when we were together. At this point, my no contact on him was 36 days.
Also, while he was here, I told him I couldnt find the remote to my livingroom tv; I wasnt sure I packed it up in his stuff when he left that night but I told him if he happened to come across it, fine. He said if he found it, he would put it in my mailbox, which is next to my landlady’s house. The next day, i found the remote, so I texted him just to tell him not to bother looking for it. That same night, my “friend” took my car up to the gas station near my house to put air in the tires; this is the same place I met my ex narc and all his little truck driver friends hang out here. Friend tells me there was a few of ex narc’s buddies that saw him with my car; in fact, friend knows some of the same people but ex didnt know this was my friend. Anyway, I never got a response from my last text and I’m sure ex’s buddies got on the horn and passed the word that this man was driving my car.
So why the happy birthday text, now when he saw me looking sexy, he has no communication? I mean, why the hateraid? Ex left me, remember? Replies appreciated!
you guys might like this after 15 year of being confused i typed on googole my wife interups me every fifteen word after fifteen years you star realizing these things. bamb up comes narc so i spend a week reading this stuff blowing my mind so fits everthing the artical said. sorry bad speller dont care im big blue collar guy . anyway I was playing with fire after i read later on dont do thoes things. physiclaly she can hurt me unless kill me in my sleep but she knew if she missed could be bad for her i never hit her or threten to im better than that daddy is one to and gave mom beatings so never hit a women but now i understand her. like what i just read from you guys pretend shes not there before she left me we not speack a word no lie 12 weeks when we argued i would yell and sream at her was so frustated now i talk quitly to her now shes the sceamer and i would call her out . you know how they bluff threat i would say soft voice watever go ahead try it who care just your momey the other narc ya thats rifgt after many years i relized like star wears were there one there two no more no less so mom come vist during xmass now im screwing with her to ya mean revnge what ever they very close destroying my mind. bad speller but much smarter than both of them now i know whats going on moms a drunk had wife daddy left no man for fourty years me married twice i cheated on first wife learned my lesson my bad carma second wife lol so i told mother dont give me advise have much more experiance than her and little girl put togther needless to say nice quit xmass lol and our fight changed no longer yelling but i was trying to mess with her that was wrong I thought i could make her see how she was . she already knew pure evil i thoght maybe not knowing so would set traps she knew exaclly what she was doing. last nail i drove got a job making more than her poof she vanished but this took toll on me but our devorce month from now i take half her retirement got goo law dog to make sure goes good then just to drive that next nail in im going to say this last thing all those battles you won i got your money thanks I know that will bother her the rest of her life law dog knows shes narc and will use to her advantage and will not look at her or say one word when its time to try to work out before we see court that will also rattle her cage when i realized she knew what she was doing i smashed her over the last year but really got my ass kicked for fourteen and i gave her a little narc when your not evil or think like thst at there mercy but i showed her your not supireor to me see i can do that to . somhernew girlfriend wich im sure was to make me feel less of a man is next good what she gets for fu88en my wife. ialready told her your luck your a girl or i would have punched you out and i know your a girl cuz i know who the man is anyway hooked up witha ten on looks 12b on kind person and mabe run into the carpet munching skanks with her someday yes revenge ill take it
last saw my narc ex on news years eve. He was extremely abusive and I was stuck with a whole night of horror. I was paralysed with fear. Got away and received a hideous email. He stated my list of faults and that he wasn’t sure what to do about that? As if I had no say in my future. I awaited his verdict and it arrived …he did want me after all ? Then he resumed conversation as if nothing happened. I read about this sort of toxic love, worked out that he is a narc. Very abusive and demanding etc. now I’m doing the no contact rule, which doesn’t sit well with me.
It’s amazing that people exist who are so egocentric and so abusive, with a bit of luck he will meet another female who is also a narc. They can take chunks out of one another instead of preying on normal folk.
My narc ex says he hates being ignored. He says I shouldn’t hide from him. He is still sending me brutal messages to me for weeks after I broke up with him.
He was horrible and cruel when he lost his temper on me. He threw a fit whenever he was upset for very small things. I ignored all the red flags until I couldn’t suffer his temper anymore. He isn’t diagnosed, or he didn’t tell me he knew about his problem. After the break up, I read many blogs about his aggressive and offensive behaviors. All the symptoms and descriptions matched.
I understand that he needs power and control on someone to exercise his narcissism. Being rejected and being ignored are pissing him off greatly. And now what? I am stuck in being harassed, being damaged, and being dragged down emotionally. The aftermath is a mess to me. I had certain level of damages in real life, on money and on my career. If that is what he wants to see, if that is what he wants by “putting me in the responsibility position of a failure relationship”, cool, he won. But by when he will just let it go? There must be a “day” or a “goal” that will make him stop.
All SIX female narcissists I dealt with were the same. Quick to criticize, blameshift, abuse and insult. But if you were to even say one thing back,
boy could they not handle it watch the rage and sparks fly! All were insecure (believing a ton of makeup would fix that), all had entitlement factors through the roof, wanted to control who I saw, wanted to dictate where I went (although they would be “allowed” to hit the clubs every week), even wanted access to all online profiles!( fair enough, but I wasn’t allowed access to theirs).
I can tell you, one is damaging enough, but SIX?
I half deserve what I got from this man (lets call him D) – It started in the early 80s, he was married I was married, we statarted off as friends, I totally adored him, he was the most charasmatic nice person I had ever met. He was going to leave the country- all of a sudden it struck me that I loved this person, I put my own selfishness first and me and D had a 2/3 months affair. D left the country, with his wife, but the day he left, he drove past me and just beeped his horn and waved, he had another girl sat by him and then i found out he had also been having an affair with her also, and, my husband (now ex)- divorced me for adultry. (and serves me right. Oh this gets better tho,I remarried someone else about a year later, and had about 20 years of a happy marriage, something went wrong between my husband and myself, and I looked up my ex D on myspace – this was 2008. He got back to me, and was thrilled to hear from me. Within weeks he was saying that he was still in love with me, i was lovely I was beautiful, his marriage was dead, he wanted to be with me etc etc. I had a mixture of guilt, and excitment and love like I had ever known. Then it all started…..He would not contact for months at a time-If I asked why? He would say “your not my fking wife its nothing to do with you” ‘ but- well there was the ‘red flag’ but I was hooked, and blamed myself. The next 2 or three years, were a mixture of him either being loving and tender, or damn right nasty. I called him on skype once, and he said to me “what the fk do u want bitch” – I ended up in hospital twice with suicide attempts, then my second husband found out, he forgave me though, but, this is where it lies, I had enough of this, he used to say these cruel things to me online, things I couldnt believe, in the end I cut the ties, but said about remaining friends (god knows why) – so for a year I have had him on facebook just as a friend, but he spoke for 2 months or so was friendly, then started the ignoring thing, I would say “how are u doing” – he would read it, and not answer, 2 weeks ago I lost my temper told him what a bastard he was and cut him off social media. Can you all tell me, is this the action of a man being narcisstic? – or just a total jerk, I really need and want someones opinion. I cant seem to quite get over all this, and Like I say I know alot is my fault I really do, but now I feel empty, and feel a mixture of love and hate.
When I was about 11, I met a girl who became my “best friend” for 15 years. I put “best friend” in quotes because she was a friend to me, and I was her narcissistic supply.
We both had similar traumas in our childhood, but we each reacted to such things differently. I became shy, withdrawn, and had crippling low self-esteem. She became outgoing, pretty much to the point of being obnoxious, and saw everyone around her as inferior or stupider than herself. Including me. Naturally, we ended up as that horrible “perfect balance,” where each is dependent on the other for something. I had no other friends, and treasured the moments when she was rarely kind to me, falling into a vicious cycle. She depended on me to make her feel awesome in a way no one else did.
I praised her so much when I was younger, because I saw she was a better artist than me. Much to my horror, I think doing this only exacerbated her actions towards me. We grew up together, with her lashing out and punishing me for ridiculous things. Sometimes she would go entire weeks ignoring me as a “punishment”, knowing it was effective because I was lonely otherwise. Of course, she was also lonely, so she’d have to come back and fake-apologize to get things back on track. She’d only do it again later on.
15 years of this BS went on. Looking back on it, I can’t believe I put up with it. It’s like looking at a whole different person.
After all of the years of suffering through her crap, she went a little too far, even for someone like her. She took every single possible advantage of me, knowing I’d “deal with it” because I always have. But I didn’t deal with it. I put my foot down and told her why she was wrong. She only argued with me and played her “feel sorry for me” violin she always did (especially with men she wanted to sleep with). I knew her ways after so long. I knew exactly what she was trying to do. At that point we were roommates. She quit her job so she could play video games, leaving me to foot the bill for everything. I started ignoring her, and she absolutely HATED that.
Knowing she couldn’t control me through words, she tried to in other ways. They didn’t work. Eventually she moved out, but she stole some of my things to force me to keep in contact with her so I could get them back. I came by her place, took my things back, and she started trying to buy my affection back, telling me she bought me a gift. I told her I’m not falling for it, and that I’m not as easily bought as she is. I also told her I’m leaving her forever, and I’m not coming back. She was so livid that she swore to take her revenge on me by stealing ideas from me for her own personal gain. As if I care how many more dudes she screws by telling them lies, all of which fall for it every time because of how cute she is.
I ignored her then. She continued to try to contact me, despite me telling her off. I blocked and deleted her everywhere. I could almost hear and feel her desperation at that point. She kept trying to add me on Facebook until I finally closed my account entirely. I operate mostly by a pen name online now. She couldn’t find me even if she tried. From her point of view, I vanished from existence.
I can say I’ve felt many great things throughout my life… but none would feel better than slamming the door shut in her face every time she tries to stick her foot in it and say “hey, you’re the only person in my life who doesn’t forgive me, so you’re a bad guy for that!”
I wasted 15 years of my life on her. I’m married now, to a great guy, and I’m achieving dreams and success I never would have if she was still around.
I am hearing mostly about men being the narc socio, I am currently with a female and I gotta be honest, it is brutal..
Reading all of your experiences has helped me so much dealing with separation/divorce from my Narc husband of 12 years. I feel I have come out of a cave, as I found out about narcissim just yesterday,and I am amazed how this topic is not dealt with in a more openly manner. If I search articles I find it, but I see more news about LGBT and other mental illnesses and not about this disease tormenting so many people.
I have been separated for almost four years and I am in the middle of a divorce process. I have a child with this man and what I recommend is the no-contact technique, by that I mean, block this person from everything in your life: emauls, social media, cell phone, whassap, I mean everything. He comes over to my house to see our child, because I will not let him take him with him, I do not trusthim and he is not a good example for our little one.Sadly, at firstI thought we could have a cordial relationship but with him everyhting ends up in an argument is very exhausting and pointless. I cannot wven begin to describe how living with him was draining life out of me. I was miserable all the time, living in perpetual fear he would one day leave me, I was insecure because he would make me feel there was always someone better, nicer, hotter than me and I was on the look-out all the time, trying to protect my relationship and marriage. Now I look back and regret all the useless effort I put into it, now that everything has ended I found out how he cheated, flirted with everybody and everyone he knew. He had a problem with porn, alcohol and he played online games for days on end (world of warcraft) Finally after years of suffering I can say I am enjoying my life, I sleep peacefully, I know I don’t have to worry about himmcheating on me or lying or watching porn. Now after I left him, I can say LIFE IS GOOD. Please, if you are in an abusive relationship like mine, walk away, don’t waste your precious life waiting for someone to change, because 99% of the times that change will never happen and when you come to realize half of your life went by and it may be too late to run away and start over… Think about it and I say all this from the bottom of my heart. I am sending all of you positive vibes andplease be sure that everything will be ok in the end, if it’s not ok then it’s not the end!!!!!
My “dear” mother is an N. She is always comparing me to others….and of course,I loose. She has turned my only daughter against me with lies. My daughter does not want anything to do with me now. Boy, does that hurt. I have gone “no contact” with her for over 2 yrs. and she degrades me to anyone who will listen. Even my own family does not talk with me now. I am tired of the critiism and the “putdowns”. I will have to cut her out of my life but I can’t put up with her anymore. I wish she were dead. She is wealthy and I will probably not see any inheritance. Why are these people so hateful? Thank goodness my father supports me along with a great husband. It’s the damage that she has done to my daughter and my relationship that hurts the most.
I believe my husband has NRD. His rages errupt out of nothing!! One evening, we were watching a TV show that I had recorded. I started to fast forward the commercials, & he just errupted because (and I quote) “I was dilly dinking around!” He got all upset because I was zooming thru the commercials?? OMG>….He went into a rage for over an hour!! He does alot of these rages alot. I will leave the room, & he will rant & rave for at least an hour by himself!!! I am not even speaking to him, & he still rages on. Hollering, swearing….It is so stupid!! I have tried to talk to him about it, but then he just gets mad, then angry, then rage. And THAT takes about 3 minutes or less for each progression. Then he says it’s all my fault. That I am not being a wife….constantly brings up the past..30 years of past!! Then he talks about my family, my parents, and how much he does for me….keeps score of everything he does…When I do get a chance to speak…I get interrupted each time. THen when the verabal name calling starts, I warn him that if he continues, I am going to put on my headphones so that I cannot hear him…he of course says that I am being a big baby. It is horrrible. He is so nice to everyone when he leaves the house…I have heard comments to me …Oh….dave is such a nice guy!!….I just wanna pewk. Yea…you don’t see the man that comes home in this house, cus THAT nice Dave doesn’t live here. He only exists to people outside the house. To me…he then turns into thsi awful person. Jekly…Hyde thing….I am totally at a loss. I cannot live on my own as currently, I do not have the finances to do so, so now I’m stuck. I wish I could call the cops on him just once to wake him up about his bad behaivor. Any suggestions????
wouldn’t that be narcissist behaviour to ignore. Because ignoring is a TRUE sign of narcissism. They use it as a weapon to get power. It really doesn’t make sense as a lot of behaviours of narcissism is human behaviour. Who the likes to be ignored NO ONE like it
Excuse me one second. Have you ever thought that narcissists are people too and they have feelings? Have you ever thought that they did not choose being that way? Why narcissists are demonized?
narcs can’t heal. Ever. So
If Joe is really a Narc, you are all simply
Feeding him right now. I’m sure he is loving that. Stop!
I would also say that ‘ joe’ is probably a narc and has found a constant supply on here. Either that or he is not a narc but still likes attention.
Giving out his private email?
I was with a narc for 5 yrs. I fled late in the middle of the night after I landed in the ER due to his physical violence . He beat me up so bad that night. I knew the only way to escape him was to leave the town completely, I moved an hr. away and back in with my parents.
This guy was just so hot and cold, came on real loving, sweet in the beginning. Making me believe he was wonderful. Things started to progress slowly into a downward spiral. He blamed for everything and I do mean everything. One time he went out to get breakfast for us and when he came back we started arguing about something. He threw the food all over me!!! He had no respect for me at all and later I found out he was screwing any and everything he could.
I often wondered if he was a closet homosexual or gay, he told me that he had tried to kiss his best friend once (a guy) when they were teenagers and drink, I also caught him putting on my mascara! He said he was ” trying to get in touch with his feminine side.” another time, I noticed he had his normally bitten down nails longer and painted with clear polish.
I have tried to piece together his childhood but he was closed mouth about any of it. I know his mom died when he was three. Rumors I heard was she had committed suicide AND his dad had actually killed her. He and his older sister were mainly raised by his dad’s mother. What I thought so strange is that how dad went on to have several more children and brought them all to his mom to raise!!! I thought what in the hell is going on over there!!??
Thank God I had good support from my family to leave this idiot.It has been been19 years that I left and I don’t regret it!! I truly believe I dogged a major bullet. Stay no contact people. They will eventually give up and move,on. This guy has since married and has two children. I would bet the farm she puts up with A LOT to stay in this marriage. These people are not worth wasting your time over or your self esteem!!
Hello. My husband of almost 7 years, cheated on me and left me for her and is living with her now. He said he hasn’t been happy in years but never told/showed me he was unhappy. We have a 4 year old son that missed his daddy so much and cries for him to just come home. Our son even crawled all over his car crying “daddy stay home with me.” And he still left. He just keeps saying “he’s never coming back, no matter what.” I didn’t know what to anymore..he left me 5/7/15, the weekend before mothers day this year and it broke my heart and I keep praying to God and he keeps telling me “be patient” I was still trying my best but it was hard when this was hurting my son so badly. I have told my sister about this and she gave me some advice to contact a very good and powerful prophet who can help me pray for my husband to come back and be happy with us again which i did and i contacted the prophet. he prayed for me and my husband cam home begging me to take him back and now we are happily living together and a family. all thanks to the prophet and his email is (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com).May God bless you abundantly!
I met my N in Dec last year. We dated up until May this year. I found out that he was still with his ex gf with whom he said had broken up because she was just “crazy”. They were in a 5 year relationship. They both now live in different cities. He love bombed me like no tomorrow. In May, he told me that he was going away with his friends but then I found out that he had gone to visit the ex. When he called me from there to check-in with me and I confronted him about his whereabouts, he denied it. He then texted admitting to me why he had lied to me and that he was not visiting the ex. I basically said my bye via text and sent him proof how I knew where he was. He has not contacted me to date. I never went through the devaluation stage as some people do with their Ns. However, when we were together, I noted that he would hardly compliment me, would make remarks to sort of put me down but then would say he was joking and often maintained that he was superior. I am a fairly decent looking, smart and well put together person. I never felt the need for him to validate me. I think he feared me at times because of what I do for living and my reputation in the community.
Ever since that date I implemented no contact and have no urge to contact him in any shape or form and I guess I am a bit of a Narc myself when I say that but at the same time, I guess I respect me more than I respect him. I did cry and missed him incredibly and still do because I genuinely had feelings for him. Now that I am starting to rationalize the entire relationship, those feelings were for someone who does not even exist.
Do you think that he would try to contact me? If I may be honest, deep down I do wish that he contacted me just once so that I could kill him with my kind words and disable him for life so that he can’t fight his feelings for me ever lol
I do feel that I was with the highest source of supply because I made him look good in terms of physical looks, smarts and the fact that I am in the public eye and well respected by the community. All the other girls, no disrespect, he had dated did not offer the same “package” as I had offered him.
Any comments, feedback and suggestions would be very helpful.
A month ago my relationship for almost 2 years with a narcissist. I was careful not to fall into this again as I had been married to one for 13 years. We tried to stay friends and was very rocky until the other day when for no reason he flipped on me. And that’s when it all hit me. Sometimes it is hard to let go especially when they are showing right after break up they are the person who you once fell in love with. And it’s that person that is always the hardest to let go of. I initiated Sunday after his flip out no contact instantly but his trying became so intrusive I had to get the cops involved.
My advice to everyone even if you have dealt or are dealing with just one seek change from within. A lot of what happens is we migrate towards and attract narcissists just by being our caring selves. I’ve been searching a lot about codependency and thankfully have a counseling appointment in morning to see how I can change from within to stop this. And I’m grateful this counselor started seeing his true self a couple weeks ago and helped put and end to what he was doing.
I’m no expert but please if you need someone to talk to email me bedroomeyez39@gmail.com
Good luck everyone and stay strong. That’s the best revenge.
Joe is not a real Narc..My husband says there is nothing wrong with him when I told him that he had some issues.
Are Capricorn men Narc.What zodiac sign prone to be Narcissist?
I am just curious. The traits of Capricorn are not comfortable showing their feeling..
In our relationship,I am always the one shows affection and empathy.He is detach and cold.
I feel like he just want to received..it’s draining me emotionally plus the verbal abuse,very critical in anything.
funny you say that the most narcy men i met were both aries.
I married a very mean emotionally and physically abuse narcissistic he belittled me and my adult children name calling lying and cheating on me I left him after I had to have surgery on my hand that he broke now he blames me for him losing his job because I put him in jail his mother is just like him she loves to criticize me and my kids but I let him back after the abuse and the cheating he left me 3 times now I changed my number but I know that he’ll be back screaming and beating on my door this last time he left he took my door key…help he won’t leave me alone even though I know he’s seeing other women I want my life back to normal
I divorced a narcissistic husband who was the father of my two children. Narcissists have two faces…the one the he wants people who think they know him to see and the one that only a a couple of close family members see including his own children and their mother sees. A Narcissists life blood is receiving admiration from others. They will spread lies about anyone who sees through them and about anyone who leaves/rejects them. A Narcissistic divorced man will get a fresh supply to feed his ego (someone who believes his lies and admires him) as soon as he can. He will hurt his own children to get even with his ex. He won’t spend time with his own children or be involved in any of their daily activities because he believes he is helping his ex-wife out and he won’t do this. A Narcissists will do whatever it takes to keep from getting exposed and they will make everyone believe there is something profoundly wrong with the ex. A Narcissist will remarry as soon as he finds someone who believes all his lies and he will even be a Daddy to his step children if she has children who have a dead-beat father so everyone will believe he is wonderful. Never will they suspect in a million years that he was an absent, uninvolved, dead-beat father to his own children.
I recently split with a person i thought was my world!! this is what she led me to believe!!! looking back it was like a game from the start she was beautiful inteligent every guy in work admired her..but somehow she made a play for me a normal worker no status ..she started of amazing things where good i let my guard down fell in love with her thats when it started.
she was on a night out she wanted me to pick her up!!! so half hour before i was due to pick her up she txted saying she was lonely with this i thought i hope she ok so i left half hour early to go see if she was ok.. i got there she was a drunken mess sitting in her seat i proceed to go up to her where she seemed delighted to see me.. cut long story short we went outside then it started she told me to tell her is she more beautiful than my ex this went on for ten mins … then she told me her family did not like me . i not even met them..she kicked off i sat in the car and waited …anyway took her friend home then took her home she wanted to me to stay i was not going to stay because of the state she was in and was worried that she would blow!!! anyway i said i wont stay i will spk tommorow with this she flew into a rage telling me to get any change of clothes out of her house i said ok ..when i went to get my clothes she then hit me and tried to strangle me… it was more than i coud take then she proceeded to throw my bike out the door..she used any words anything i had told her hurts and truths as weapons to throw abuse at me… next day never got a apoligy just i am a cow bag me being stupid put it down to drink!!! but then i started notice things she would never listen to anything i had to say she would constantly know me my hair was not right she did not like my clothes then one day infront of my boss she prints a picture of teeth and takes the piss out of my teeth not being perfectly straight her reaction to this was she thought it was funny …coming to the end of the relationship i was on the edge of breaking down so told her i needed some space and so did she with this she went into a rage again put it all over her fb i am this!! alot of ppl from school deleted me of there facebook believe i was the problem!!! she was right in what she said who will they believe me or her!! now she is a 44 year old woman who works for a school .. i was serious shocked by her constant self absorbsion in herself and lack of taking any reponcibilty…or having any emphy ..now i do the totally no contact we passed on many times her responce to me is grow up.. or she sniggers .. but i do not react in anyway!!! these people will destroy you your jobs your life your finaces your hope!!!bewarned be strong notice the signs!!!i was lucky
I think my ex was borderline Narc. We met and only after a month I asked him to move it. He was recently divorced and seemed to be honest about the failed relationship. I thought we were so right for each other. My teenage daughter never liked him for no apparent reason and actually now matter how hard he tried to win her over, it would never happen. He was VERY big on cuddling and kissing , but never wanted to have sex. I tried to have him seek help, but he said there was nothing wrong with him… He wanted to spend every moment possible with me, but he slowly drained me of any and all self confidence and esteem. Finally, I asked him to leave. He called his mother and moved back in with her.. I felt SO sick and begged him to come back, but he played the silent card on me.. Which left me devastated. I am still recovering and have recently blocked his mother from my facebook, She is where his issues began. She tells me she thinks he made a big mistake by letting me go, but I think she just loves to keep up the drama.. Trying to re-connect with myself, but I have a long way to go. I still think we may get back together, but I know things will most likely be the same. So I try and remember how miserable i was in my own house!
I wonder why people never give Narcissists a chance as people might change, i just think it everyone should have a fair second chance. in future we don’t really need to deal with them in a intimacy way. so why not be friends ? as we cared for each other once. i guess my ex and i were kinda like Narcissist and we are kinda not i don’t know we both seemed like it at some point.
I don’t get people today. Especially women. I’ve been with a narc on and off for 3 Yrs. I knew very quickly that he was a screwed up classic narcissist. However, I had to be careful of how to let him go for good. As I worked with him and didn’t want to cause problems at work. But I got rid of him. But he ended up getting back with his ex. This what kills me. She knows what he’s like and how irresponsible he is. Yet she now moved in a house they both own. He hasn’t paid bills to her in the past yet she moved in with him? I gave her credit for getting rid of him the first time. But now has him back in a locked in finance like a house? I don’t get it. It shouldn’t take someone this long and go through that kind of situation. Her life is going to be full of stress and despair. The only excusable reason to be in a lengthy relationship, is when kids are involved. No one should endure that kind of situation for more than 5 yrs. But I’ve been reading 10-20 yrs. Wow. I couldn’t imagine a life like that. Women need to be much stronger and realize a relationship is dead a lot sooner. Like this girl. I shake my head in disbelief with her. After she supposedly broke up, unknown to me at the time, she stayed friends with him. That was a reserve for him to fall back on. Or apparently this girl just didn’t care what he wanted from her as long as he was still in her life. I wish her the best but fear the worst. I don’t get it.
After a confusing and painful 3 year relationship with my 54 year old boyfriend (Iam 51 not sure if age makes a difference, but we are not teenagers so wanted to show an honest picture) I have been trawling the net and everytime come back to either Narccissistt,mysognist or passive agressive for the type of behaviour he is exhibiting.
I am not normally a one for labels but it would make sense and help me realise he cant be changed and closure will follow when I finally get the courage to end it…which is where I am today.
I met my boyriend following the end of a 28 year relationship with my childhood sweetheart. there were 2 years between relationships as I swore to stay single but he wormed his way into my heart. In the first year he literally swept me off my feet, our first date in Jan 2013 he asked me to go to Paris for valentines day (our second date) and totally out of character for me I said yes (I have only ever been with my ex boyfriend before so this was so new and exciting to me). He charmed me, was lovely, almost worshipped me for a year and then things dramatically changed.
He started critising my weight (i am a size 12) and then when i lost weight he made fun of my accent. On my birthday this year he deliberately forgot it.. and pretended it was the next day (I know it was deliberate) he pretended to forget my name when introducing me to friends. He offered to take me for lunch, but when we got to the restaurant he looked at my belly and said…”this isnt fair on you, you cant eat” and instead took me to his house where he ate a ready meal for one in front of me.
He told me not to wear make up, he is getting aggressive and demanding in bed one minute and then denying me affection and sex the next.
He told me this weekend he was going to make it all about me (he lives 2 hours away in another city so we only see each other every 4-6 weeks) when he came back, I rushed to cuddle him and said I had planned a lovely night out with friends…he said, sorry I am tired you go if you want. Then he ignored me completely all weekend. I was so hurt as he promises but never delivers anything anymore. He splashes out the cash but I dont want his money, i just want his affection and time…I realised this weekend he is playing a game.
I decided to give up, went to work yesterday and he started trying to contact me, first by emails (i lost my phone on purpose as he used to send me confusing and painful texts or ignore me so I thought, without a phone I cant be ignored..if that makes sense)…I didnt respond to his emails as it was too little too late. He then rang my work, but I was in a meeting, I got the message that he had called and sounded angry, requesting I call him back.
I went home from work thinking it over, and thought it best to just not contact him as he will just start the pattern all over again. He alternates from over the top charm and love to completely ignoring my exsistence. He claims his problems are worse than mine (my mum is dying, I am about to become homeless and I have 50 000 pounds worth of debt, but he says these are all minor problems compared to his….he has a stressfull job and a bad relationship with his sister and lost out buying a flat as he was gazumped….I try and be there for him but he is never there for me, or if he is it is to mock me
Anyway after coming home to my lovely family (I have 3 grown up children who are everything to me and keep me sane)…I had a lovely bath, and felt at peace, I had made a decision this was it…then the doorbell went, it was him (he still hadnt returned ater the weekend to his home town) I didnt answer the door, I saw the car from the window and panicked.
If he is a narcissist or any of the above labels how long will he keep attempting to contact me before he gets the message. I cant talk to him as he will weave his way back into my heart and the pain will start all over. Please help my kids are finding it hard watching his treatment of me and I need to do it for them as much as me
I am trying to confirm if current girlfriend a narcissist. We have been together for a year and a half. First six months were great. Then it all changed like she flipped a switch. No affection no inimacy. She seems to not be able to empathize and I am simply a third arm. She is moving and has been stressed, so I am giving a little latitude, but it seems like hoping against hope. She displays many of the traits, tone, dismissive looks etc. She eats poorly, has been tired and irritable since switch flipped, not there for me. She also suffers from migraines. She had domineering and unloving mother. On Xmas eve I helped her and her parents put together dollhouse for her daughter. Then they went to dinner without inviting me. Traumatic to say the least. When we get into fights and break up she always comes back and accuses me of being apathetic. I have never experienced such a relationship. Any advice appreciated.
My dad is a narc and he was neglectful emotionally as I was growing up. He lied and cheated on my mother while he mercilessly criticized her to no end. He acts immature and extremely self centered. He not once will recognize any of my achievements. He smiles and gets excited when something bad happens in my life. I was not allowed to cry he would put me down. He talks about the places I have traveled and acts like he is the one that went there and not me. He is a huge coward because he will insult you in a disguised innuendo and if you call him on it he will turn it around and say your crazy and something is wrong with you that he never said it. If I were to share all his dysfunctional garbage I could write a book here. I basically hate this person and cannot wait until he shuts the hell up for good.
I was lucky I removed myself after a mind blowing experience the ‘rage’ it was timed at a wedding reception so leaving was impossible. I saw a stranger who’d I been dating fir 8 months. He was highly excited, loud, talking to all of the guests kissing the women,mignoring me. I was alone trearful &!took myself outside to cry.
His friends were lovel & he was brought outside to offer me a hug, he coldly did this but went back yeti the party to dance & flirt.
I left the following morning without an apology,min fact he tpsaid as I left ” just go and by the way you won’t be welcomed back ” . I said he was callous he refuted this vigorouslynblaingbhis bipolar excuse.
Once home I blocked him,took a Valium &!was phyically sick. He didn’t do his usual text to make his usual text checking I got home. He really didn’t care if I’d died on the journey of 60 miles east.
I heard nothing and began my reading on BP (since he claimed he doesn’t have it) I found information on NPD & BPD those are him. He does go psychotic but can target money one person, his audience were under the impression we had an argument ! No argument took place.
I immediately blocked him & he immediately started a new relatiinship, no looking babk,mhurtful but an end all the same, why does a disordered person need to devalue &!frighten the soon to be ex ?
Three months later during his honeymoon did he return by a new email address ?
It Baganda with a provocation, then the heat operation,flattery and creepy photos on in the mail. After a few months I explained the problem and it is a problem for his current partner,
He raged at my suggestion ,,,as if the npbesutiful things we shared should be firgotton.
I’d cleared out all traces if him as soon a iarrived home I was very keen to FOGET,
The saga continued, things left on my door step began arriving.
The END
The emails began despite me saying no and having his new partner was the perfect excuse to leave me alone.
It stopped for about a month, then he wanted ‘advice’ to show my more pictures, he contours to prod me I reply with a grey Rock technique. He is clearly about to read my FB and any little this is way of emailing me. It’s creepy he can see my FB as we have no connection &!its private.
I handle with extreme caution, I tell lies about where I’m going, I have no remorse for the false informations.
Because u did rumble his NPD borderine pathology why does he want to remain in tough. I’ve told him he’s fake,meaning,he has not hidden his issues & should sort things out.m
Why not move on, he’s made the choices (I was blamed) i didn’t support his idea on a corrupt pm. That was his ‘excuse” to rage, punish &!blame.
It was his unprecable,mood swings & cruelty, excuses &!blame to top it off
Why do people enjoy the power gained by raging what is wrong with asking or adding a new perspective to a conversation ?
Very dangerous the worst of group by a country mile.
Still have him lingering ..why ? What does he want what is the agenda after a relationship ended three years ago. It only lasted 8 monthsv
Thanks for having this informative & heartfelt site…
Having recently broken up with my female partner & having discovered the symptoms I had described about her to our counsellor were textbook narcissist, it’s great to put a label on it.
But the hurt, and the pain & the loneliness makes me feel like I’ve had my energy, sanity & lifeforce sucked out of me!
Someone please tell me that life gets better eventually…
So I think the person I was seeing is a narc, I recently moved in with him and changed towns out of my home town, although I worked in my hometown still so I didn’t pull my two children out of there school. At first things were ok but went from bad to worse. He was very emotionally abusing, and tryed to cut me down. I have brought up two children on my own ages 12 and 13 and they havnt had much to do with there real father as he shifted to Australia and he hasn’t seen them for 5 years roughly. The narc would expose the kids and tell them no wonder why your dead beat nigger dad doesn’t want anything to do with them, ( they are good kids and we very close) and my oldest told him to f@@k up one time when he was calling me names, and the narc told him that if he spoke to him again that way in his own house he would drag him out by his hair and throw him over the fence and with his bags behind him. And myself as well. If there was a smudge on the dishes, I would be a pig or untrained, told me everything would be fine if we were all in line and if any one of us stepped out of line we would all be told what’s what!, if my kids didn’t eat there lunch at school they would be made to eat it for tea. Look I have looked at all the signs and I’m pretty sure he’s a narc, does this kind of behaviour sound like it to you?, two of his friends came round and apparently I was all over them like a bitch on heat, standing in a puddle of my own juices for them, ( which my friend was there and I did nothing wrong) so for my punishment I couldn’t even watch him play rugby cos too many men around. I was getting isolated by my friends and he fought with my good friends so they wouldn’t come back. So many things happened. Of course he had an amazing side that got me hooked line and sinker!, but he would argue for hours and wouldn’t stop until he thought I had got it in my head. I tryed to challenge him that didn’t work, I ignored him, that was worse cos he would think it was arrogance, and I tryed diffusing him, almost agreeing with him, then once he cooled down then I could talk to him, although he wouldn’t stop for a long time. The final blow when I left him was an argument over the dishes and hot water bottles and him calling my boys niggers and talking bout there dad and how he doesn’t want anything to do with them, and all the name calling to me, my boy was in his room hyperventilating and crying, the narc told me to fuck off so I did. Havnt been back, moved the rest of my things with the support of his own mother, and my friends. I’m doing the no contact but so is he, he’s making out he did not care about me at all and he after 4 days is on tinder trying to find himself another to control….. I’m left feeling bit confused, n lucky I’m out. But I had a house in my hometown and now homeless staying with family. Just feel terrible really.
When our relationship was seemingly good, my Narc would constantly make comments such as “no matter what, just remember I love you”. It was as if he was trying to tell me something, like he was going to die or get in some kind of trouble, and I didn’t understand it at the time. Now that I know who and what he is, it makes perfect sense. What would you read into his comments?
I have a sister who displays these kinds of traits. She was the youngest in my family, and our parents always spoiled her and let her get away with bloody murder when I would always get into trouble for even the smalest things. She got into trouble over being on drugs and the state took her baby away from her. She tried to lie about what really happened, and tried to get me fired for asking one of her neighbors what was really going on–she invented a big story about how her roommate supposedly planted drugs on her, even though she has always been a drug abuser. She tried to ruin my life–even went as far as stalking and harassing my now ex-girlfriend. I haven’t talked to her for many years, and I don’t really want to. She would only come around me when she wanted money or help with something anyway. I wouldn’t go as far as trying to diagnose her with NPD–I am not a doctor. Her behavioral problems could be caused by all the drugs, and never being disciplined as a child.
My mother was a
Narcissist.
She required my boyfriend and I to take her and my dad out to dinner every Sunday. She always picked the restaurant and also what everyone should order. She would ask other customers in the restaurant about what they ordered and how it tasted. It was always her way in everything. My or my siblings accomplishments did not matter or were extensions of herself. Once when I was to receive an award that I had worked hard for, she told me she would not attend the
Ceremony unless I went to the mall and bought her her favorite candy. She got kicked out if many restaurants and beauty salons in her neighborhood. When a hostess went to seat her in s restaurant shed tell her to shut up and then she’d sit where she pleased. She would never sit with others at Benihana. I’d have to call s restaurant ahead of time, explain the situation. Living with her was a nightmare. When I was in school, I’d try getting out of the house at ever turn. Sleep overs, summer camps, after school clubs,
Etc. she could be violent and I had to be at her beck and call. She’d rip up books if I was reading and rip up my notebooks from school if I was studying.
If I was showering, she’d pour a whole bottle of shampoo on my head because I was bathing and not paying attention to her. She’d tell me I was too ugly to find a husband. I. Could go on and on and I was not the scapegoat, my middle sister was. There is one definitive advantage to this whole situation and that is when they are dead and gone,
The grief is non existent. One more thing,
You can spot them a mile away.
Good luck to you joe????????
My ex Narc must think I am the “Shiz-nick”. He defintely took revenge on me when I filed for divorce. Took the house and started dating all while having absolutely no contact. Even during mediation I wouldnt be in the same room and in court I completely ignore him. He hates it and trys to do petty things to make me react. He even went as far as taking me off his insurance and I have stage 4 kidney failure and a slew of other ailments. Plus he drained our joint bank account. I still said nothing. Just left it to my attorney and a judge.
YES,YES,YES I am new to this site but do have a husband that is an invisiable narcissist. He is damaged on so many level- mother is a classic attention grabbing narcissists and father is- well I guess he was a narcissist “Dad” left mother six years ago after 35 years of marriage- for a 23 year Ukranian lady. Don’t worry about mom though, she still maintains that he is away at a poker game (yes, this is true) . She has never mentioned him since and is still out grabbing as much attention from people who are not what most would be considered worthy people (as in they don’t expect out of her they just hang on her every fiber). Oh, and they just happen to be low lifes (druggies, practicing alcoholics, you get the picture and no she’s not in the mental health field, she’s a bartender).
Surprise, my husband is one. He pulled the bait and switch on me and I hate myself for it. But he is sneaky- no one knows but me. We hardly do anything social together because he is so embarrasing if I force him to be around my friends and collegues. Like sitting in the corner, almost sucking his thumb, weird. So weird, I seldom accept social invitations. I was ok with going to some social engagements alone but people question as to why I’m alone and I don’t really have a good answer so I pretty much sit at home. But here’s the thing, he comes home telling me about all of his people. These people are his customers and talks about them as if they are family. He hangs on their every word, he almost assumes them. I have my own job that is absolutely consuming, so our worlds are very, very different and never collide. Oh, and mom works for him.
We’ve been married for 15 horrible years. I have managed to self help my self through most of them. I have pleaded with God on lonely nights, attempted to develope my own self interests, tried to be career oriented, gotten very angry, felt guilty for making this choice, and now I’m ready to recover I have eight years left as our son is 10.5. He is a remarkable child and I have worked very hard to give a spiritual, empathic, enjoyable, well rounded childhood. Dad is not a bad dad but he is clearly working his highentend need for attention from other dads, and even other moms. Not in a gay way but more like in a I Had An Unavailable Dad sort of way. Not one person outside of me, knows. He doesn’t care if I like him or not. He walks in the door, rambles on about people I don’t know. Then goes to sleep on the couch. My only revenge is no sex-which does really even matter for either of us anymore. I don’t worry about him cheating as 1) I don’t care anymore AND 2) I don’t think he would have the guts. If anyone found out, he wouldn’t be able to keep the facade and he knows it. He is just plain unavailable and has ignored me more than a decade. In the stages of recovery, I’m clearly in anger but I’m ready to move on. One day, God willing my 40’s are healthy and I get out of them alive, I will be ready to live again and I don’t want the anger to be my personality. Thanks for reading!
I have just learned my husband really fits a lot of the characteristics of a N. But not everything. I too am embarrassed around him in social settings, he gets loud and often curses. I also have a couch sleeper, which is great for me…eccept i cringe if i here him get up or even move. His rages are getting worse. I own 2 businesses, and work pt at another…he is disabled., so we don’t see each other often. He often transitions from 1 friend to another…sitting at either of their houses…ALL day. He accuses me of cheating all the time. I try to avoid being around men, because i know that if he found out i talked to anotjer msn…it would be a rage trigger. When he rages my cheating is worse, i never loved him…he will always love me, but is no longer in love with me, and the newest…i am done! Done with what…me…great want a divorce? Then he fires back..i knew you never loved me, you won’t even fight for this. He never gives me a straight answer about being done. He loves to throw things, punch holes in the walls, temper tantrums. But they terrify me. I am really afraid thay if i tried to leave…he would harm my grown kids or go after my mom. I am trying to establish a game plan…and get my ducks in a row…i have several furry children, that he does show affection for…this going back to, he shows many qualities of N. He was diagnosed bipolar, but refuses to take the meds and blatantly lies to his doctor. My little duckies have a 5 year goal…Please pray i live that long!
Is a narcissist the same with his wife as he is with his affair partner? Or can they be totally good to the wife and not push and pull?
I use this method ALL THE TIME, and it works so well. If she yells, screams, belittles, slanders, or all out attacks, I pretend I wasn’t listening. She gets so mad… That way all the blame stays on her alone. All the immaturity, drama, and nasty tactics are hers alone.
I also learned that with sincerity and strong character, you can disassemble her power structure right under her nose. Then when she steps over the line, you can do power plays that leave her paniced, terrified, and defenseless. As she mopes in her bedroom, because you ripped her grandchildren and son from her grasp in an instant, and all her flying monkies like you too much to fly… She finds herself alone, suffering a panic attack, and forced to reconsider her actions. I did this when my mother in law neglected my son for a day. She thought she suffered a heart attack from abrupt consequences and total loss of control. She never dared cross me again. She lost unsupervised visitations for 9 months as well. She could see her grandchildren on weekends only if her husband was home. She loaded on the guilt, but I was immune. No one harms my kids. If she acted up more, we found something else to do that weekend. We took total control.
There are other ways to win as well. If you can deprogram her allies, her cult crumbles as they are set free. They hold her accountable as well. If there are children involved, she will lose influence if she is mean to their parents. She cannot be cruel to the child’s parents and expect the child not to take their cues from the people who love them and keep them alive. A narcissist cannot hurt their victim and be accepted by their children. This will shock the narcissist at first, because they believe they are truly the grandest person. They assume their grandchildren will run to them, and give them glory. When they do the opposite, it upsets their delusions greatly, but in the end they deserve it.
Other ways to tick off a narcissist: point out their inaccuracies. If someone were to follow their advice, what sorts of ills would befall them? State those short comings in a comical way, so everyone laughs at them. The narcissist has horrible flaws? Make a depreciating joke at just the right time to make others laugh at their expense. Pretend not to notice when they do really nasty things to you. Laugh at them like they are so silly for thinking that would bother you. Treat them like a tantruming child. Never take them seriously, and let them control nothing.
Ultimately, I used these tactics and more to run interference for my husband until I could set him free. Then we moved far far away.
Fighting a narcissist is not easy, but it can be done.
I’m a severe narcissist (not only, but “included”) and I actually fucking love my girlfriend. I do stuff for her I wouldn’t have done for anyone else and sometimes without any benefits. But yeah, since you want to know something about actual fucking narcissists I can tell you because I’m a nice fucking example. I can’t stand being ignored to the point that when someone ignores me I get furious and actually suicidal or severely aggressive. Why am I telling you that you wonder? I know this comment wont even get past moderation but I’m just fucking done with all the fucking bullshit I see, same with shit about psychopaths, if you fucking wonder why we’re fucking aggressive towards you then it’s the fucking cause. Do you realize how someone fucking feels when he’s born with a certain shit and gets sadistic urges and everyone fucking wants them dead? “psychopaths don’t feel” well guess fucking what. It fucking hurts when everyone thinks youre a fucking monster even though you’re fucking trying to be fucking nice but you can’t fucking bond with anyone. How can you be a psychologist and demonize narcissists so bad? How can you fucking call yourself better than us while you seem to lack empathy as much? Because we don’t feel pain is that it? We’re just vile creatures who want to destroy and kill you right? It would be better if we were all dead, right?
I’ve encounter two psychopaths, narcissist in my life. My test is to ask for an apology outright they literally cannot apologise usually throwing my ‘flaws’ as mitigation for their controlling abusive behaviour.
It isn’t easy to demand an apology for insults or allegations, they would opt to cut you off rather than be accountable for their choices.
It’s a puzzling insanity, they sabotage the wronged person because they are proud or stupid ?
One is 76 and has not apologised to a single person throughout her life. Hence she has lost all of the relationship opportunities with a large extended family. Claiming that everybody else is disloyal, jealous or raging, they are blind to the irony of their words
Far out! This describes my wife in a nutshell. After 13 years of this bullshit from her I am ready to walk out. I have been to many counselling sessions (she REFUSED to go). I am now leaving notes around the house with this information so she can read instead shutting me down every time I say anything. I doubt if this will have any effect on her but I’ll give it 1 month. By that time I can find alternative accomodation. I can’t let my son (11y/o) keep living in a toxic home. No matter how hard he tries at school she always knocks him back, SELDOM says thankyou. I take my marriage vows seriously but can’t put up with any more of this behaviour. I bent over backwards dooing flips but it was never good enough.
My mother is a narcissist yet I only truly discovered this a few years ago after my father died. Over the years I knew she was manipulative, but I feel my dad was the buffer between us. My entire life was a battle between me and my brother. He was perfect and I was the selfish sister when actually he was the problem child breaking into homes, stealing credit cards, etc. When I was not tolerant of his actions I was the one causing the problems, may mother expected me to overlook all his wrong doings. Brother puts Mom on the pedestal while I try to hold her accountable. Anyways, I have been in the ignoring stage for about a year. Two nights ago she called me and I let it go to voicemail. Once again in her voicemail she states she misses me but she knows that does not matter to me and then she said “Whatever, Love You” and hung up. This is her playing games saying she has tried to mend the relationship, “See I call her but she won’t take my calls” crap. As I look back she played this same game many times with relatives and friends. My husband does not understand why I don’t pick up the call and give her a chance. He does not realize she has no intention of apologizing, she wants the win. Every time she calls I step further back because it is just a reminder she will never change. What breaks my heart the most is that she has four wonderful grand children that she has no relationship with now. The more I read the more I realize how I need to keep ignoring her. I had to go to a friends funeral the other day and it made me think of whether I would attend my own mothers if she passed away. At this point in time I do not know if I would. Now that I look back I see the pattern of lies she has told regarding other family members and friends, she was never the issue they were. I am hoping she just stops calling.
I met this guy 2 years ago — when I met him, I had been divorced for about 5 years already. I was just getting into the dating scene. I would describe myself as strong & independent. I felt this instant connection to him, as if I knew him my whole lifetime. He would message me every day constantly about every single thing he was doing – he woke up, he went to work or didn’t go to work, he went to the gym, he was stuck on a conference call, he was food prepping for the week — the only detail he left out was when he took a sh*t that day. He rarely ever asked me about my day, though. Even so, I found him charming. I recall having dinner with him once only (initial meeting). After that, we only met up at local dive bars, his friends house, or his place. We NEVER went out during the week. I was introduced to his close group of friends and even family members, including his mom and dad. I really felt like it was going somewhere so I thought I’d introduce him to my sister and best friend. Both times, he made excuses for not being able to meet them. Once the bars closed and it was time to go home, we would always head back to his place for another round(s) of drinks. It was really early on in the relationship that I realized he drank alot. The drinking allowed him to open up about his ‘feelings’ for me, how he had met the one and even opened up to past hurt he experienced with his last relationship. I had a real soft spot for him and felt closer to him than ever. As the weeks drew on, I continued to realize how much of a drinker he was, that we only spent time together when it was convenient for him, and would see Facebook posts of things that really didn’t make me feel comfortable. I also realized how he would talk about all his healthy meals but would never make any for me; I also realized how he liked to drink and knew I would be over but would never buy wine for me – only beer for himself. Things came to a head Memorial Day weekend when he got super wasted, fell, and just flat out acted a fool. I took him home, and in the heat of the moment, he couldn’t get it up. That’s when I flipped out on him, called him out that he was an alcoholic and that I couldn’t continue with the relationship if he didn’t curb his drinking. I was generally upset. The following morning he messaged me as if nothing happened. I reiterated everything I mentioned the night before and that’s when he turned cold on me – he basically told me he wanted nothing to do with me, wouldn’t text me, call me, invite me out anymore — nothing. I was devastated. I thought I loved this guy and thought he might have too. Months went by and we randomly hooked up once; in the fall of that year, he reached out to me once more saying he wanted to “try” it out again. I jumped at the chance, but he did the same thing to me again — just went cold. So I thought it was over for good. I started seeing someone else and through social media, found out he was with someone else too. 6 months later I found out he was engaged. My heart sank, but I knew that if it was meant to be between the two of us, then it would be. I left it to the powers of the universe – I let go and I let things be. About a month ago, he messages me, catches up, tells me he was briefly engaged but isn’t anymore and would like to have coffee during the week to catch up. I accepted only for him to message me a few days later with “i’m sorry can’t meet up, still in love with the ex and trying to make it work.” In my head, I’m thinking, so why text me? I didn’t even respond since I didn’t feel he didn’t deserve a response. A week later he messages me again with “Im sorry i cancelled, just wanted all ties to be over with me and the ex but now we have gone our separate ways, would like to meet up if you still do.” Of course I met up with him and I was almost delusional to think that this is was fate; this is meant to be — me & him. He asked me to give him a chance, that he wanted to try. When we had dinner, he was so charming and seemed different. I went away on a trip and he was texting me every day. He never disclosed what exactly happened with him and the fiance except that it was over. Except that photos of the two of them are still plastered all over social media. A week or so has gone by since I last saw him and he still messages me about what’s going on in his day — except that I feel like he’s telling me these things as if to say “SEE I’M BUSY SO THAT’S WHY WE CAN”T MEET UP” — there has been no plan to meet up; he still drinks like it’s going out of style. Unlike 2 years ago, I don’t trust him, I don’t like this feeling with him. I feel as though he’s using me to mask any ill feelings the ex may have thrown at him. I feel like I have been ex recycled. He knows I’m a sucker for him. My take on this is that the fiance or ex fiance are really over. My bet is he did something really stupid or she woke up on day and realized she couldn’t deal with him. SO here they are, theyre broken up, perhaps he made one last ditch effort to make things work, maybe not. In either case, maybe nothing worked. So here is –bent and broken. His self absorbed personality can’t handle the fact that the girl he loved so much would actually find a flaw in him because in his mind, he’s perfect. He didn’t make any mistakes. So how does he start to feel better with himself? He gets in touch with people in his past until BAM – hook, line, & sinker here I am to the rescue. He plays it up with me, acts like his charming self, feeds me bs. and i eat it. I feel he’s using me to say “See, it’s not me. I’m perfect. The engagement being called off is HER fault!” I feel at any moment, he can/will go back to her bc he really feels nothing for me, because he’s just using me to self service his ego. It’s okay for him to feed me BS because he doesn’t genuinely care if he hurts me. After reading a few blogs I’m really starting to see his narcissistic tendencies and realized he prob is a sociopath. That’s why he only speaks of himself; why we has never met any of my family members or friends; he never asks how my son is doing; why he never bought me a bottle of wine; why it was easy for him to dump me and leave me cold. Now I don’t know what to do because I always thought in my demented head that he could be the one. But how could he when he doesn’t even care about anyone but himself.
Good article.
?…What if the person ignoring the Narcissist has a ton of dirt on the Narcissist that the Narcissist would desperately not want revealed ?
The Narcissist has a slight hint that the person ignoring them has the Dirt that would ruin them .
What do you think the Narcissist would do ?
I just don’t buy that all narcissists have suffered abuse in childhood. My siblings and I were brought up in a loving family where, as far as I know, we were not compared adversely with each other. However, it’s clear that my narc sister, who only in the last 10 years has allowed the mask to slip, has long-standing issues of jealousy and resentment causing her to be highly offensive and abusive to me. She is a classic case, in terms of her grandiosity and self-entitlement, and cannot take responsibility or apologize for her behavior. It is just not true that this is due to neglect by our parents (now deceased) but something within her that has grown and turned her into a selfish and malicious character.
Narcissists do NOT become suicidal. The article is wrong on that. They SHOULD kill themselves, though. If only.
Okay so as a female combat vet and a victim of a narc I want to say LOUD AND CLEAR i am very OFFENDED by the morons that posted the crap about military service making someone a narc. And PTSD making someone a NARC. That is the dumbest most offensive most disrespectful load of bs I’ve ever read. PTSD is the result of being a trauma victim, such as being a victim of a narc you lowlife cows. How dare you even try to go there. You have no idea what soldiers have to deal with or go through. Seriously you can not go around and just keep putting labels on soldiers like that. We go through literal HELL on earth and you lazy MF’ers want to sit there and think you know shit about us. Wow! Repeat after me -trauma causes PTSD – not narcissism or any other bs crap yo ungrateful jerks want to throw at us. Have a freaking little bit of humanity. And for the total idiot who wrote being a victim of a narc gives you a PHD, you are dumb! Just that dumb. You stupid cows make me ashamed of my gender!
After leaving the narc of 10 years it’s been 9 months. I have never contacted him yet he constantly drives by my home and work texts calls. I changed my number. When does it end. He also moved another woman in less than a month after our divorce yet still continues to drive by honk stare wave
I am a construction superintendent, I have a female boss sort of. She says we are a team. I have 30 yrs more experience in my trade. She has an engineers degree in car design so she says. I would guess an engineers degree has given her a feeling of superiority because she is “educated” . What that degree has to do with construction I do not know. She constantly belittles me and when I make suggestions she makes sure to point out that Terry thinks…. Why not be the true team player and say “we think that”
Is she afraid that my idea has the chance of being wrong and she wants no part of it? And comments like,
I reported my laptop is not opening up. Her response you HAVE to get that fixed , We need to be in touch , DUHH! When I reported the problem I was seeking out that perhaps the company might have an IT guy that can fix it. Me 2 months with the company- her four years, A meeting with the consultant the other day was strange. He explained that English was his second language she jumps in and says I am Dutch. He looks at her and sort of ignored her for the rest of the meeting , so he walked away. Is she a Narc or am I just imagining it??
After three years of being married to my wife and getting to know her as we join our lives together, I’ve noticed through different scenarios, arguments and social events I thought my wife could have been bipolar. All do to her jealousy, resentment, constant threats, hardly to no empathy, highly offensiveness and her abusiveness towards me verbally and emotionally. Which has grown into some physical abuse towards kicking a dent on the side of my car, breaking my 2ftx3ft picture in half, throwing an empty beer can at me as I was walking away and it striking the back of my head, forcing herself through our closet door – damaging the door. Its so hard now that shes let her wall down some and let me get close to her, that everything comes out from her. I feel shes always pointing the finger and downsizing me. I’ve done my research about bipolar and I’ve even come across narcissism awhile back, I looked at it as, yeah shes self center and egotistic then basically shrugged it off. Now that I’m looking and striving for help in anyway, I’ve got us going to a counselor, three times last year, twice this year, NOT enough, NEED MORE sessions. The help and looking for more as to why the easy things can get so blown out of proportion, the disagreements because I express my feelings and thoughts that aren’t relevant to hers or isn’t what she would like, along with everything else above, has gone up a few notches.
I Love her So much and am in love with her ever since day one, from the moment she walked through the door and into my life.
I’m one who has a very open heart, open mind and giving personality. I’m open, honest, free spirited and can only handle so much when I’m being pushed and poked into a corner for so long. So I step up with voicing my right of me not being wrong and with me doing so, it causes a fight, disagreement, threats thrown at me, which I’m constantly walking on egg shells as well as her daughter, mother and my 6 yr old daughter. IAfter three years of being married to my wife and getting to know her as we join our lives together, I’ve noticed through different scenarios, arguments and social events I thought my wife could have been bipolar. All do to her jealousy, resentment, constant threats, highly offensiveness and her abusiveness towards me verbally and emotionally. Which has grown into some physical abuse towards kicking a dent on the side of my car, breaking my 2ftx3ft picture in half, throwing an empty beer can at me as I was walking away and it striking the back of my head, forcing herself through our closet door – damaging the door. Its so hard now that shes let her wall down some and let me get close to her, that everything comes out from her. I feel shes always pointing the finger and downsizing me. I’ve done my research about bipolar and I’ve even come across narcissism awhile back, I looked at it as, yeah shes self center and egotistic then basically shrugged it off. Now that I’m looking and striving for help in anyway, I’ve got us going to a counselor, three times last year, twice this year, NOT enough, NEED MORE sessions. The help and looking for more as to why the easy things can get so blown out of proportion, the disagreements because I express my feelings and thoughts that aren’t relevant to hers or isn’t what she would like, along with everything else above, has gone up a few notches.
I Love her So much and am in love with her ever since day one, from the moment she walked through the door and into my life.
I’m one who has a very open heart, open mind and giving personality. I’m open, honest, free spirited and can only handle so much when I’m being pushed and poked into a corner for so long. So I step up with voicing my right of me not being wrong and with me doing so, it causes a fight, disagreement, threats thrown at me, which I’m constantly walking on egg shells as well as her daughter, mother and my 6 yr old daughter. I am not the only one who has spoke of this about feeling like we have to walk on egg shells.
*(I JUST realized! When I walked into her life she was cruel and downsizing her mother often, giving her a shoulder. I talked to my wife about this and told her she needed to be nicer and loving to her only mother. She did and to both she was more kind and loving. Soon after this all took place I noticed her malicious/aggression/misleading etc etc behavior transpire towards and upon me.)*
It’s those battles they say choose your battles wisely, well I don’t want to choose any battle against her, just the battle to keep fighting for her, let her know that I am here for her, that I’m not ever gonna stop loving her and to show her, to let her know, she is loved and I do love So much.
I don’t have a comment but a question and need A LOT of help here. I started helping this guy out 3 years ago and he moved in (mistake, I know…..now). Gets worse we started being sexual. He turned out to be an alcoholic as well as a pill popper…….turns out he is just an addict that has an addition to being addicted. He is REALLY addicted to using people for HIS benefit (especially me) and doesn’t respect or even ACT grateful for anything I do to help him until I refuse to help then he is such a gentleman. I started looking back on his past actions and his now actions and they are the same. When I need help with anything he is too tired, he worked all day (all 8 hours). I worked 3 jobs a day AND am taking care of my disabled brother ALONE. When I am on the phone or busy with something he is like a child and has to talk to me RIGHT THEN or he stomps around, he always MAKES SURE he is in my eye sight even if I turn my back to him. I can even go in the house and he will miraculously HAVE something he has to do in the house. Yesterday I HAD ENOUGH! I told him what to do to get his Ford truck to a destination and back (a 4 hour round trip). He ignored me saying I didn’t know anything about his truck……..please keep in mind I am the one who fixed it every time it has broke down and even replaced the radiator in my pole barn with a NEW one I BOUGHT 2 months ago because he was too cold and he was too tired. I try to keep it running because I have my own vehicle and a life I have to live but if his isn’t running then I am his taxi with no offer of payment. He acts like he has to be with me ALL the time and know EVERYTHING I am doing. Anyway back to yesterday (sorry). I stopped what I was doing at the doctor’s office for my appointment and called some electricians to cancel their coming out to fix somethings so that I could go help him on the side of the highway. I have been practicing positiveness and calmness for a few weeks and I have been feeling great. When I got there he was hollering and screaming about how it took me so long and what is he going to do now, can I call and get him a tow truck, he doesn’t have money for that can I pay for it BLAH BLAH BLAH then BAMB…….he slams his door so hard the window shattered and the windshield cracked. I left. He ranted and raved texts to my phone about I’m not there for him and I am selfish………. and you guys get the drift. I have been ignoring a conversation with him because he LOVES to argue not discuss and I don’t have the energy. #1 how do I handle this conversation with him and #2 he was supposed to be moving out but now HE HAS NO MONEY (but a job) OR TRUCK and feels it is my responsibility to provide for him. I am a 41 year old woman who owns her own property and actually everything I have. He is a 31 year old mommys boy whose mother has buried EVERY hole he has ever dug for himself. I have tried NUMEROUS times to kick him to the curb and every time I got him and his stuff out there his mommy would basically move him back in. The woman gave him (not the other son) a WEDDING band that he refuses to put on the other hand or just put away (he tattooed my initials with a diamond on his ring finger a few months ago and wears her ring over it and NO I DID NOT know that he got that tattoo until a few weeks ago NOR did I approve of it. Now she has moved out of state and he is constantly on a pity party about how he can never get ahead (but won’t try to figure out why and how to or take suggestions) and yet he is better than everyone else at work and I am mean etc etc………BUT HE WONT LEAVE. He won’t even sleep in my rv he has taken over my house, my bed, my life and the more I tell him to go and I even pay his way to get rid of him……..he finds a DAMN way to hover in my life. PLEASE, WHAT CAN I DO to, first stop his in my face all the time arguing and 2nd get him out?
OMG!
Unfortunately, I got the revenge part. She destroyed my friendships, my business and self-worth. She almost destroyed my ability to love. Fortunately, I moved on and got married to a wonderful, gentle and kind woman. We have been together for many years and have some awesome kids. If you experience any narcissistic behavior, move on as soon as you can, use your head, not your heart. The longer you wait, the harder it will become and the more deeply you will be hurt.
Imagine how weird it was when I found out years later that she was telling everyone it was my wife’s fault she had no husband, no kids, no family and no friends. Funny thing is, back then my wife and I were not together and had no relationship. My guess is that she had the crazy idea I was waiting for her to come back. I wish I could tell her now, it would never have happened. Swinging sex orgies were not my style and fighting all the time is emotionally draining. I just wanted a true and loving relationship, they do exist, you just have to believe you deserve it and be willing to do what is necessary.
I also have more of a question regarding my 5 year relationship. I don’t know if my boyfriend would be considered a narc or if he just doesn’t love me anymore. I met him through mutual friends online five years ago, we lived apart and maintained a long distance relationship for 8 months. He bombed me with texts, calls, visits, admiration, and wanted to know where I was at all times in the beginning. For some reason I didn’t see the red flags but was flattered by his interest in me because I was falling in love with the person he portrayed. He was fun, outgoing, confident (almost arrogant), passionate, and successful. The long distance relationship was getting expensive as both of us were traveling back and forth to keep our relationship going. He convinced me to transfer my work and move in with him. I felt so strongly about him and the relationship I went for it.
Shortly after moving in I saw his other side, the explosive temper, the verbal disrespect, the financial instability, instability at work (he’s gone through three jobs so far, bails when things get stressful or someone upsets him) no fun at all, and our sex life became almost non-existent. I was confused, wondering what happened to the fun loving guy I met. I became depressed missing my family and friends back home. I lost both of my parents during this time and he ignored me for five days while my mom was dying because we had a disagreement. We broke up a few times because of the disrespect but he always wanted me back. He was all I had in this place so I always went back.
We are five years in now and it just seems like he doesn’t care at all. He tells me he loves me with all his heart and that we are going to grow old together but his actions say otherwise. I get maybe one text from him a day now, he’s always watching tv or on his phone, we don’t go anywhere together, and sex is a rare thing. I feel so alone and unsatisfied and when I try to bring it up to him he doesn’t want to hear it. He won’t hear me out, he leaves the room, cuts off our phone conversation, stops sleeping in our bed, and ignores me for days. So I’m left feeling even more frustrated because I cannot express my feelings. Then after days of the silent treatment he’ll come around telling me he misses me and loves me.
It confuses me so bad because all of his actions say that he does not care about me or our relationship yet he doesn’t let me go. I’ve told him before if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore let me know, I will leave. But he says I’m crazy for thinking that. He says he’s deeply in love with me. I just don’t see it though.
Does this sound like narc behavior? Am I wrong or needy for wanting more? It’s not like I want all his attention but his behavior is a complete turn around, from showering me with love and attention to absolutely nothing. So of course I’m going to notice the change. If he doesn’t love me or want me anymore I can accept that, but he won’t say that. He says he does. I would like to say all of this to him but he doesn’t give me the chance. He cuts me off before I can get anything out.
I’ve thought about leaving but then I’m worried I’ll come off as the narc needing narc supply and discarding him for not giving it to me. The funny thing is with all of this I think it’s possible for a person who is in a relationship with a narc to feel like they themselves are crazy. Like I said, I’m confused by it all. Just wondering if anyone else has gone through a similar situation? Thanks for listening.
A person that doesn’t want to hear out how you feel , is because deep down doesn’t care , the only reason he would listen is to take information and then use it against you , the lovely part only is at the beginning…then they’re monsters but will blame you for all the relationship problems, they’re sick and cannot be saved
Hope mine dies soon ?? demon in human flesh
Abused me , could push me threw the wall out of anger , and then say it’s not such a big thing, I’m exaggerating hahahaha well well my 6 years of relationship is over and I’m happy for it , I’m free out of deception and disappointment on a daily basis
Didn’t even called me on my bday
We used to live together, then he pushed me away , from everything, my family my friends,belittled me , laughed at my emotions , would look at me like a zombie , no love at all In the eyes , you can tell when someone loves you by looking in their eyes ,
Every time we had financial problems it was my fault
Would steal from me money
Came to live with me to another country just to have me under control
says a lot about a person
This is absolutely narcissist behaviour and it’s horrific, I suffered 2 strokes and cancer and my much older narc partner hardly cared, being with his since I was 21 him 46 I was very naive and even moved to the other side of the world to be with him.?the way you describe is identical to my now ex and to warn you with brutal honesty it doesn’t get better the more you give the more they’ll take financially, emotionally physically, the vampires, leeches and the moment they’ve sucked the life from you , you’ll be discarded the second the have a fresh source, there pathological liars and horrid cheats if I were you. Run. As far and as fast as you can it hurts like hell but it’s will hurt less than when he brutally discards you, and trust me he will x
I hear exactly what your saying. I could have written this myself. Its the one thing that frustrates the hell out of me not being able to communicate how I feel because he cuts me off everytime. If I try to talk about important things he says I’m trying to start an argument and refuses to engage in the conversation.
I know a young lady who fell on hard times and had to move in with a narcissist mother. The mother is controlling and must have all attention on herself. She says things such as, “this is my basement” or “not in my house” but on other occasions will say “is there anything we need?” or “what are we having to eat tonight”. This mother and daughter got into a disagreement and the daughter has been cordial but not initiating conversation or interacting as prior to the disagreement. The daughter is basically ignoring the mother but remaining respectful. The daughter pays rent, the entire water bill and electric bill, is the only person bringing in food and cooking. The daughter washes dishes and cleans, pulls down the trash can and brings it back; while the mother does nothing. The controlling mother will put dirty dishes in the sick with food left in bowls (cornbread left in chilli bowl or cut lemons in the sink), bag up her trash from her room and add it to the big trash can in the kitchen for the daughter to take out. This mother is down right selfish and lazy. The woman has caused the daughter so much hurt. Keep in mind this mother has another daughter that has already cut off the toxic ties and has no intention on ever having a relationship with the mother. This daughter has a close relationship with the sibling that now lives in the home with the mother and the mother is so jealous. This mother takes everyone’s losses or sad moments and turns them into ways she can get sympathy. This woman will turn on tears at the drop of a hat. She recently had a friend lose her fiance’ in which she talks about the friend behind her back and didn’t really even know the boyfriend who died. However, in telling others of the man’s passing she was full fledged crying and acting as if she knew the man since he was born just in efforts to get attention and sympathy for herself. This lady is insane. So now that the daughter that lives with her ignores her and pays no attention to her she came to the kitchen the other morning and said, “Hi” to the daughter, daughter said, “Hi” and the next thing out of the crazy woman’s mouth to the daughter (who only has unemployment right now) was “Do yall have a move out date yet?” This narcissistic woman is down right petty and is a demon spirit to deliberately cause my friend this stress. The daughter is planning on leaving and cutting off all ties to this weirdo despite it being her mother. I told her to cut her lose when she told me the mother said, “I wish I never had you!” The woman has a mental problem, been married 4 of 5 times and in several relationships that the men get sick of her controlling ways and verbal abuse. She blames everyone else for her wrongdoings and plays victim to her family members that are not already aware of her tactics. Her sisters and brother can’t stand to be around her as she is a problem causer and a straight up hater.
This is for Lulu.
Omg! I can so relate! Identically! I recently lost my father, and my N-husband totally abandoned me. So, I’ve cut him off cold turkey. I don’t talk to him, nor do we share same rooms. We are like roommates and I’m ok with that. However, I’m waiting for him to just leave!!! But he hasn’t!
Keep your head up!
Please provide an update!
Ever since my husband left me my love life was in a mess. And i always through and wish we were together and that he would come back to my life and our love could stay endless. I wanted to fight this war of love without weapons, but then i realize that he has fully made up his mind against me. He no longer call nor text me, i stay up through the whole night all alone without him to talk with. I was ready to walk through hell to save and restore peace back to my marriage. I finally thank God and the whole universe for sending.
Advise needed please… How do I escape a mum (Once friend) and 8yr old son narc double act? The mum abuses me with competitive belittling behaviour and Overpowering ways and her young son does the same to my boy of the same age. The son also abuses the mum and I’ve witnessed her closing down when he does it. Grey rock hasn’t worked, as long as she can see me in person she will switch from being normal, very lovely and charming to always catching me out saying something to try and put me down compared to her and humiliate me if possible.
I feel so trapped, her partner likes mine and they had a friendship (he acts like a narc to keep up with her but is actually a nice guy, though I feel messed up overall ). she tries to flirt with my partner as part of her power trip. Her son is obsessed with mine and I’ve pulled away through feeling sick around their family unit.
Last year I went no contact convincing my partner to let them go as our ‘friends’ after she tried to overpower me with my own child and my child had one last horrible experience with hers. I flat out ignored all txts and calls to socialise including her hoovering me with emotional blackmail about her son being desperate to see mine. Things went quiet and then the son tried repeatedly to face call mine during lockdown all of which was ignored again. This woman has befriended some of my closest friends Who only see the lovely side of her (so far) and it’s extremely difficult to go no contact when other people locally know the family. I also have a horrible tendency to bump into them unexpectedly. They have used my friends to have a window into my life and tap up what I’m doing and their child relay messages about not being able to get hold of us. I long to never have to think about them again but I can’t get rid of them. I do not want to communicate my anger as I feel an emotional reaction with truth will excite her. When I try no contact all round including my son and partner, I feel as though she is seeing this as a battle she must keep challenging and win?
He ended it 2 months back and blocked me then after 2 months he un blocked me and messaged me that pray for me i might go through from an operation … as i was hurt i just seen the message and ignored him but later i saw that he blocked me again saying nothing about my ignorance towards him… why is this so ??
He attempted to hoover you, you dealt with it and he reacted as most narcs do, denial and run back under there rock
I am from India, rather conservative society compared to the west & where sex is still a taboo. I am male & have experienced typical behavior of a narc by an Under educated female for 8 long years & everything said about their behavior is true. Its 2 months since I saw & just a day before calls started coming. They are are to be classified as *Domestic Terrorists” & a law must come to protect the victims – both semesters.
How toxic is this
How profiling is this
How sexist is this
How minipulating is this page
I mean your dealing of natural causes with a in depth explaining what a narc is some points are correct the rest are all the above I just stated
You should be ashame oh that doesn’t become
You are also patronising those who have actually been effected by narcs due to the lack of support you give in your wrongful information
Basically your turning the tables round on empaths who see straight through narcissism
Hi J, thank you for your feedback. I write my articles for the majority of people and I believe many have great use of the insights I write about. However, there is no wrong information in this article, but opinions can differ.
Good morning.
wow, this article was so spot on in the tactics.
the current narc i have had to deal with literally went through these exact stages.
although the relationihp here is not the typical narc relation. it is a combo of a couple things.
1. it is an aquentance who wanted to become my friend
2. they are also a neiibhor, but not next door, or direclty across the street, but across the street and a copul houses down, but the diestand from teh center o fmy driveway to his driveway center is about 220-230 feet.
3. the time period of which we were “tight” or “tight”ish was a period of maybe 4-5 monhts.
4. their control seems to be mainly focused on me walking with him. i odn’t mind and i can go far and fast, but i was happy doing jogging and running fo rmy routine. and it started off with me just telling him that ok, you know here adn tehre. but he became at that piont fast freinds with me. way over the top too nice and too fast even though we talked in his driveway a few times prior
anyway. this person would have a way of so subtly making me feel very obligated to him. at first i didn’t mind becasue i didn’t have a very busy schedule at tha tmomen and i like the chalenge of adding excercise. days wer elonger. but he would start texting me first once a week then 2x a week then 3 then 4 then every day. and it threw me off my shceulde fo rmy thing
also, 2x once when we were out biking the chain broke, he manipulated me thorugh fake cocidole teas i fetl bad and paid for it 150+ dollars. but the bike alrady had no breaks and he strongarmed me into going anyway, and i ketp telling him how danerougs it was, he didn’t care.
later. a sporting event that cost 110 per ticket for, i had someone offer them to buy but only would go if i could find somoene. they had 4 weeks. they confirmed they could pay and go.
then wouln’t you know it. 48 hours prior they tell me they can’t go, saying their side job is making them work and it was mandatory. i had no time to find someone to be able to pay for the 2nd ticket on such short notice.
so bascially that screwed me over. shortly after this i reduced contact by 90% for 2 weeks. then i had family in town for 10 days and then have ignored him for over 3 monhts now. initially the first 2 months was simply “no response” but the past 2-3 weeks have been full no contact with phone and computer/fb/texting etc..
also going back. even on days i srictly told him i would not be availible. one time an outing i was out at work all day 80 miles away he texed me 5 times throughtout the cuorse of the day “are you dont yet? what time yo coming home/ clal me when you are leave , when do you think you are leaving?
he did hta 1 or 2 othe times, but the worst one? he did this when he knew i was at a funeral!!!!!
ont time he also , due to me wanting to run and even said i would wak , afte ra certain time i knew when i would be done with my run. dind’t tell him why it would take longer before. but i onticed i had a text on my phone at the exact moment on my 2nd lap after my fist 45 minutes when going by my house it was 513pm, got home at 618 at 515 ther was a text “i see you running” oh my god was that creepy.
i sensed almost a stalikish like behaior there, but thought, naaam maybe it is just passive agressive. i almost calle dhim on it but did not.
anyway so back the nor repnsidn. yes, he did al the above tings. and he even one day followed me in my car til i lost him, right after he pulled in front of m after i got out of my driveway, he left his diverway at the same moment. he is determind to find out why i am not tlaking to him like he doesn’t know. um, he knows.
so it is really difficult honestly to have him live right there where he can stalk me by sitting at his house. isgh. and i am sur ehe is.
i stay out of sight out of mind as much as i can. but still i don’t really want to even go outside . but i guess i have to just go do it and grey rock if he walks up. sigh.
I think this new idea that anyone who ignores you or lashes out at you is narcissistic is dangerous.
Someone can ignore you cause they simply don’t care about you and have moved on. And someone can lash out for legitimate reasons.
This new idea that anyone who hurts you is a narcissist has gained a lot of traction in recent years among people who do not cope well with the complex emotions involved in a breakup or a conflict. It’s particularly popular among ladies. “Oh he dumped me and ghosted me, he must be a narcissist” “Oh he’s mad, clearly a narcissist”
It completly removes the responsability on the person involved in the relationship, however toxic it is. It leaves me this unpleasant taste in my mouth, when we had ‘sinners’ versus ‘good people’, nevermind the fact that our relgious org gaslit the f* out of people then acted all righteously when those people reacted.
Articles like these should write a major disclaimer that a clinical diagnosis is required to label someone a narcsissist. My ex-gf is convinced that I am a narcissist, yet after having seen a shiton of professionals, that word has never been uttered once. Unless I am a master manipulator, even though, most of these people were trained and clearly more intelligent than I am.
My ex-gf fits every trait of narcissist, like a glove. The massive ego, the little cat-and-mouse games, the lies, made-up stories, victimization, desire for constatnt admiration, dreams of unlimited success even though she’s a massive loser…she fits the profile perfectly. But I am careful not to jump to that conclusion. Funny that a bunch of group therapist (for fathers) have thrown that theory around that all our exes were narcissists. I raised my hand and said: “none of them are in here for us to make that diagnosis, isn’t that just conjecture?” I was frown upon and almost thrown out because I removed the perfect excuse to explain every wrong in these guys life.
Sure, if you are heart-broken after a breakup and you never see that person again, if pidgeonholing someone as a narc helps you, go for it. Who care? But if you have to deal with that person (like coparent, like I do), it’s not a very good strategy to build a constructive dynamic between you and that person. Unless that person is a certified narc and acutally outed their diagnostic, your best bet is still empathy.
For instance, I dumped my ex with two kids out of nowhere. Didn’t pay child support at first. She was left with nothing and had to move out of town to her hometown where there is zero economic activity. So she started lying, making up claiming of abuses because her position was so weak for custody. It also allowed her to get sympthy and help from her entourage plus benefits for various things. She will anything to make me react. She’s been stuck into that pattern for a decade now and it’s become routine for her to act that way because well, that’s how she survived. Nothing will change unless she’s forced to by whatever life will throw at her.
Anyone who looks at her behavior now at face value will tell you that woman is a massive narc. But life isn’t black and white and I find it more helpful to understand people come from. That doesn’t change that her behavior is garbage but it explains it more than saying “bah, she’s a narc, I am awesome!”
tl;dr deeming people as narcissism might be helpful for you’ll never see again, for conflict resolution, not so much