Last Updated on September 9, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
Narcissists love attention, validation, and power. So what drives a narcissist crazy?
Simply put, anything that jeopardizes their basic needs for superiority can quickly irritate them.
If you want to know how to infuriate a narcissist, you can look no further than giving them nothing.
But you can also stand up for yourself, set boundaries, and refuse their gaslighting strategies. Let’s dive into how to piss off a narcissist.
1. Praising Someone Else Or Something Else
Did you see the way he performed last night? He was incredible!
She’s such a good wife. He’s lucky to have her.
They did a great job decorating their home. I love it.
How to make a Narcissist feel bad? The feeling like someone else is better than them. Very few things make them feel more miserable than that insecurity.
Their egos cannot comprehend that other people deserve recognition and attention in the same ways they do. Instead of feeling happy for someone else’s success, they tend to experience confusion, jealousy, and even contempt.
When they hear you praising someone else, they will usually respond by:
- Criticizing you or your taste (making it seem like you’re acting crazy).
- Trying to take credit for that person’s success.
- Shrugging off the praise, as if it doesn’t matter to them.
- Attempting to one-up their success.
- Getting angry and telling you that you should be with that person instead.
- Discrediting the praise and blaming the person for lying, stealing, or manipulating.
In other words, a narcissist doesn’t really know how to be happy for someone else. Instead, they will search to find a narrative that suits their personal success story.
2. Pursuing Your Own Interests
Narcissists assume they know the best way to live life. For instance, if they love golfing, you’re an idiot if you don’t enjoy the game. If they enjoy a particular restaurant, you lack good taste if you prefer somewhere else.
Pursuing your own interests can easily piss off a narcissist, especially when your preferences clash with theirs. Some major conflicts of interest can include:
- Voting differently from them.
- Being more or less religious than they are.
- Spending time with friends they don’t like.
- Following a different diet.
- Consuming media (certain movies or music) they don’t enjoy.
To retaliate, they may tease or criticize you for your choices. Or, they may try to sabotage you altogether.
Their efforts to belittle you often come from a place of insecurity and fear. Deep down, narcissists feel afraid of losing power and worry about losing you to someone or something else.
3. Disregarding Material Goods
Many narcissists are obsessed with earning and flaunting money. Big houses, fancy cars, designer clothes- they want it all, and they want to show it off to everyone in the world.
Many times, they substitute love for money. They also may inflate their worth by trying to prove their love by how much stuff they give you.
Reading Suggestion: 11 Typical Examples of Narcissist text Messages
If you don’t show much interest, they may feel oscillate between feeling embarrassed, confused, and irritated. What do you mean you don’t want this? What’s wrong with you? Anyone would kill to be in your shoes! You don’t even realize how lucky you are.
How to Piss off a Narcissist #4. Helping Someone Else
It’s no secret that narcissists tend to be extremely selfish. Their large egos leave little room for caring about other people. Subsequently, they perceive others as either pawns or challenges- not as entire people with complex thoughts and feelings.
If you choose to be generous or compassionate towards someone else, they will likely feel angry.
Reading Suggestions:
They may demean you with mean comments like, why are you being such a martyr?
Or they might try to stop you altogether with expressions like we don’t have the money for you to just donate to charity right now. You need to focus your attention on our family.
#5 Succeeding (And Outperforming Them)
It’s a misconception that narcissists only want weak-minded people in their lives.
Many narcissists do enjoy the company of intelligent and thoughtful people. There’s just one caveat. They still need to be the best. And if they’re not the best, they need to be close to it.
How to piss off a Narcissist? By becoming better than them. If you start succeeding, it becomes extremely threatening. They don’t quite know how to cope with this new reality. Instead of celebrating and feeling happy for you, they may respond by:
- Dismissing your success: It’s not that big of a deal. Anyone could have done that!
- One-upping your success: It’s great you did that. By the way, did you hear about my new promotion at work…?
- Accusing you of cheating, lying, stealing, or having some kind of external advantage: You only got that opportunity because your boss wants to sleep with you.
- Attributing your success to their actions: I’m glad I told you to go after that! If I hadn’t said anything, you wouldn’t have even tried.
- Blaming you for hurting them: You’re just trying to make me look bad, aren’t you?
You deserve every ounce of your success. Choosing to embrace (and even revel!) in it will continue to enrage them.
#6 Validating and Loving The Scapegoat
Narcissists see the world in a strict black-or-white sphere. These extremes allow them to either love or hate other people- there is no in-between.
As a result, narcissists use scapegoats to project blame and frustration onto other people.
These scapegoats are singled out for their real or perceived flaws. They become the victim of emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse.
But it’s not just the narcissist who wants to blame the scapegoat. They want other people to rally against them as well. They want the entire world to see how messed up the scapegoat really is.
When you defy this narrative and stand up for the scapegoat, you shatter part of their master plan.
You create friction within the dynamic, and that enrages the narcissist. They aren’t interested in seeing your perspective, but they also don’t like knowing that you aren’t on their team.
Reading Suggestion: I Don’t Want To Be a Narcissist Anymore
#7 Being Stoic
Stoicism refers to withstanding pain or discomfort without exhibiting an outward emotional response. In other words, it’s taking things as they come without complaining or reacting.
Let’s be real. Narcissists love to create drama– they live for stirring the pot and causing problems.
They expect you to react and even retaliate. Even though you think that your emotions might irritate them, the opposite holds true. Having no emotional response tends to be the most threatening response of all.
That’s because narcissists need to know they control the room. In a way, your anger or sadness shows they have power over you.
It shows they can contort your emotions. So when you don’t give them that pleasure, they are forced to examine their hollow selves.
#8 Respecting Authority
Have you ever noticed how often narcissists have issues in the workplace? It’s because they don’t play very well with others, and they certainly don’t know how to follow the rules.
Narcissists tend to detest authoritative figures, whether it’s their boss, law enforcement, politicians, or even their parents. They don’t like someone calling the shots unless that someone is them.
Moreover, they expect you to agree with their ideology. They will spend a great deal of time trying to prove to you why the other person is incompetent, unfair, or otherwise idiotic.
The best way to piss them off? Keep following the rules. Respect the authority figures appropriately. Consider thanking the authority for their hard work and good efforts.
If you do this, you can watch the narcissist unravel. It will happen very quickly.
#9 Consistently Maintaining Your Boundaries
Narcissists aren’t stupid. They understand the concept of boundaries, and they recognize that everyone has personal limits.
But they also believe that they are entitled to what they want. Therefore, even though they logically comprehend boundaries, they see themselves as exempt from the rule.
To them, boundaries are simply a suggestion or even a challenge. They will do what they can to try to convince you that your boundaries are silly or inappropriate.
The solution to this insanity? Implement your firm boundaries. Every single time. No ifs, ands, or buts. No one-time exceptions.
The more you stand firm with your limits, the less power they have over you and your actions.
And yes, this will piss them off endlessly. You will see the rage in real-time by the way they call you stupid or crazy or mean. You will see it in the way they try to smear you to others or gaslight your reality altogether.
#10 Going To Therapy
Just like narcissists dislike authority figures, they also tend to resent healthcare professionals.
Narcissists don’t want anyone poking and prodding about their lives. They want to act in their usual ways without any real accountability for their appalling behavior.
If you choose to pursue therapy, the narcissist will feel threatened. They will undoubtedly worry about what you talk about in your sessions. They may fear the therapist siding with you or discrediting them.
More than that, narcissists don’t like thinking that someone or something may empower you to think differently.
They want you complacent and complicit with their behavior. They know that therapists may try to explore alternative ways of coping with your emotions.
This anger comes out in several different forms, including:
- Bargaining: You don’t need therapy. You can talk to me. I’ll always listen.
- Scapegoating the therapist: They’re just after your money. They don’t care about you!
- Stalkerish, controlling behaviors: I want to go to the next session with you. If you’re going to blab about your personal feelings with someone, I want to know who they are.
- Complete refusal of support: I am not going to pay for these sessions. You’re on your own.
#11 Spending Time With New Friends
Narcissists want to know the people in your life. Mostly, it’s because they want to vet them. Are they someone who will align with the narcissist’s values? Or, are they someone who may pose a serious threat?
When you hang out with new people, it activates their insecurity, jealousy, and confusion. They can’t exactly understand why they wouldn’t be enough for you.
They may respond in several, dysfunctional ways, including:
- Criticizing the other people before they have even met them: I’ve heard she’s crazy.
- Acting like the victim: Do you not like spending time with me anymore? Am I really so boring?
- Praising your old friends: What about so-and-so? They’ve always been so supportive of you. I think you should try to reconnect more with them right now.
- Trying to charm you all over again: I know you were planning on having dinner with so-and-so tonight, but I’m cooking you something special, and I have a great surprise afterward.
- Responding with passive-aggressive comments: I guess you’re too busy for me now. I’m happy for you, though. You obviously need a change.
#12 Ending Your Relationship Entirely
A narcissist believes that you’re fortunate to have them in your life. You should be thanking them for their wonderful existence!
If you choose to cut ties with them, prepare for the tumultuous rollercoaster of shock, rage, and terror.
—-> Read Our Guide To The Narcissist in Relationships
They are so used to the status quo of them dictating everyone’s behavior that they don’t know how to cope when someone stops playing by their rules.
To retaliate, they will usually try many different tricks to manipulate you back into their lives.
Reading Suggestion:
- I miss you! I promise to change. I’m going to start going to therapy.
- I didn’t mean what I said. Can you give me another chance?
- You need me! Who else would put up with you?
- What would the kids think if you left? Is that the kind of parent you want to be?
- What about all the good times we had? Do you really want to throw them all away?
- Just wait until I tell everyone what kind of person you really are.
These all represent different scenarios where a narcissist may attempt to gaslight you.
Because they are crafted to tug at your emotions, they often work. So when you take the opposite approach and continue to take the high road, it’s absolutely infuriating.
Did you try any of these things? Please share them with us in the comments.
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The first one I finally broke-up with after 1 1/2 year of utter confusion and hellish behaviour, burst into tears and love-bombing during my ‘break-up speech’.
When I still stood ground she started taking off her clothes and threw her (beautifull) body against mine.
When I refused her invitation all hell broke loose and I left her house. Leaving her yelling and screaming all curses you can think of.
Under way back home I called her parents to tell the news and to please keep an eye on her. I still was worried she could harm herself.
What she did actually (I found out later) was calling my younger brother rightaway. He kind of had a crush on her I knew but never bothered about it really. We were brothers and talked a lot together.
She seduced him the very next day just to retaliate. It was shocking. She managed to crush our relationship (brother and me) for years to come. She just left him after 3 months without any explanation. But the damage was done. My brother and I never got close again.
The second Narcissist/Sociopath (I prefer the latter label) I met years later had a different approach but in essence the same. The love-bombing at the start just overwhelming your bounderies with attention and fast induced intimicy (sex). They just won’t take no for an anwser. I was very carefull to not hurry things. But after ~3 months she won me. Mostly by playing the saint who helped disabled people and presenting herself as a graduated artist/painter at the highest art-schools in Holland. She still does while all of it is just a lie.
She never graduated but was adviced to quit on those art-universities by lack of talent. Finally they send her away.
That was the real story I heard years later from her back-then partner I just happen to speak about her in a restaurant. My jaws dropped.
The road she took was mainly playing the victim to me of this ‘harsh live’ she was living. No regular job, no recoqnition about her ‘art’. Living from wellfare.
This was the mask she presented to me most of the time that got me hooked far too long. I was going to save this poor girl I loved so much. And I did in a way. I supported her financially and motivated her to take a nurse-eductation. She was accepted. After all this was set and done she announced to go to Australia for 6 weeks. She must have preparing this for months but never said a word about it to me. And where she got the money from? I asked her? She just told me she had saved E 6000,- during the time with me and that this was ‘different money’.
She left to Australia at the time my mother was dying of cancer in the hospital. 10 days after she left my mother died. When I called her to inform her and told her I missed her by my site she went angry and told me I was making things much worse than neseccary between us.
I heard nothing for another 3 days. But on the day of the funeral she wrote me an e-mail which was like this:
‘Ge, I know this must be one of the most difficult days in your live. I don’t want to stabb you in the back but today I’m ending my relationship with you.’
It turned out much later she already smeared me for half a year at least, in her family and friends group and had a new lover on the side walk for months.
I demanded a final talk just after the break-up face to face to explain herself.
She agreed. I got no answers at all only dull comments.
When we parted and she biked away she yelled; ‘and I still love you’. Completly nuts.
I pissed her off by becoming very angry after this. Acting in ways she never expected coming without any proof to her where it was coming from. The bitch got some consequenses but will never change ofcourse.
But I got some of my selfrespect back by fighting back and acting out my anger. That’s what matters at last.
You didn’t piss off the second girl by becoming angry, thats what they want and try to achieve. You fell right into her trap :/. You really think she didn’t expect you to get angry after she was cheating on you for months? Also you calling her a “bitch” shows how much you still care about this person who doesn’t deserve you. wish you the best recovering from a situation like this
Good for you, Ge!
We know we aren’t supposed to “stoop to their level” but I’m doing it anyway. I’m Leaving For Good. I too have dealt with 2 narcissistic relationships and it really is true there’s no stopping the hurt without cutting ties. In the meantime I’m hitting him where it hurts (emotionally) and in the meantime acting as if nothing he says or does bothers me in the least. In fact, I’m happier and him knowing this is going to drive him crazy! All the best to you, I, and others in avoiding getting caught up in any more narcissistic abuse from anyone.
me i am being blamed for everything….and im hurt
This is always Brie first response… don’t worry … it will get better 💖💖
I’ve thought for several years now my wife is a narcissist. She doesn’t have all of the narcissistic traits, yet has the majority of them. Playing the “silent treatment” game is her favorite. This game has been agonizing for me and consistent over 20 years (8 consecutive weeks, the longest one). She said not 1 word to me for 2 days on our honeymoon. Big red flag 🚩 right there. Over 20 years later, I’m still with this woman who is Never, and never has been, there for me emotionally. Tells me when I (rarely) cry, “I thought you were strong.” No touching, no support, no sweet texts (or any texts back for that matter), no loving words, and positively no passion. Always, “I’m too busy at work to attend your family reunion, go on that vacation with you… Yet, when invited by one of her girl friends to Italy, stops Everything and goes with she & her husband And her husband’s male friend leaving me home because “you weren’t invited.”
Is this narcissist behavior?? Or is she just a plain, cold-hearted bitch from Hell.
Hi, Katherine, I’m sorry you’re going through shit like that with your wife… I just wanted to say I’m sorry, but also that (although I don’t know what other signs she might show just based on this comment alone) if she has a lot of narcissistic traits and is big on the silent treatment, have you ever compared her behaviors to a list of borderline personality disorder signs and symptoms? Unfortunately it’s something I’ve had a lot of experience with and therefore is at the forefront of my mind a lot, so I could just be mistakenly projecting lol, but it may be worth looking into. People with BPD (borderline – not bipolar) tend to have some of the qualities of narcissistic personality disorder, but BPD does entail a whole other dimension of behaviors that are hard to put into words sometimes when experienced in a shitty way. (Not that all people with BPD are abusive, but… When they are, it can be absolutely horrific.) I don’t know how much this would help, but I figured it might be worth mentioning if it could help in the slightest… That being said, there are definitely other mental health disorders that also resemble narcissistic personality disorder in some ways but have additional issues as well, such as sociopathy, but whatever is going on it sounds intense and like there’s probably something there for sure, and I definitely feel for you… Good luck with everything though, and I really hope things get better one way or another for you!
have you noticed all the times she would ruin a perfectly plain day HOLIDAYS…..
The phrases I’ll use against my stepdad, if I absolutely HAVE to move back in with my family for financial reasons:
“I know you’re lying. Continue.”
“I know you can’t be reasoned with, so I don’t care.”
“Not my problem. Keep venting tho.”
I’m currently applying to the BOS to catch up on my Abitur, and go to Uni to either learn how to program, do Engineering, or I’ll just apply for an apprentice ship that demands an Abitur.
And if he acts as if everyone could have done it, I’ll be like: “do it.” , and if he accuses me of using advantages (the Bafög, which is welfare for students under 26) , I’ll be like: “not my problem. Keep venting.”
When my cats pass from old age, they’re 10 rn, and are therefore out of the danger zone, I’ll absolutely move back in with my mom. Just so I have good opportunities to support my little sister and my mom in front of him while running to the police for every piece of tech of mine that he might break.
“I know you were planning to have dinner with XY, but I’m cooking you something nice today.”
My response: “you know that I had different plans, and it’s not my fault if you’re cooking dinner today and not tomorrow.
hi
I am in an unusual position. My ex who I have known for 25 years and we are friends has married a narcissist for supply. My ex has all the money and property and of course now so does the narc. who I think tacticly brought on the marriage.
My ex asked me to go to live with them both in Portugal. I was hesitant only because it meant giving up a bloody good job and trusting entirely which i had no reservations.
The VERY first day and i mean within 6 hours the lazy fucking narc (who hasn’t worked for 7 years) started on me and so it went (and goes on) 3 years hence….pure filth including hiding food, food patrols (this narc actually studies food patterns within saucepans to see if anyone has tampered!) selfish, spying, stealing, destroying my property the list goes on and on and on…….The idea obviously was that rather than the narc tend the garden and wash up, that was now my exclusive function…particularly when it knows me and my ex goes shopping…it will prepare a dish knowing it will be entirely for itself and then expect me to clean its pans. So much for caring for his husband!
on point 1 – No comment
on point 2 – It’s taken to reprove an in-law as maladjusted at the same time as graduating 2 flying monkeys which pathetically and obviously do their bidding
on point 3 – the day we moved over I found my boxes opened and confused with the narcs hence my stuff has been forever lost – I I labelled over 176 boxes and can only find about 10 – on top of this it spilled shampoo over my car contents, continues to this day to destroy 2 phone and 3 computers…I mean It must google this stuff…how do i destroy a laptop?…easy by sticking a paper towel bundle between the lid and the charger point thus crushing the point and causing a short circuit; another computer it crushed the screen (screen touch tech.) my computer was out for months (fortunately one of his flying monkeys friens repaired it for me….Karma!) Everyday stuff is attacked like a new pair of levis suddenly sans buttons and rips in stitches; holes torn out of pockets, a ne light stand next to my computer destroyed…on and on..
on point 4 – A german ex-pat lady is suffering from some emotional problem -the narc sees it as an opportunity to ridicule her as being weak and maladjusted …I try to reason with it and it goes into full narc rage
on point 5- a group of us is studying Portuguese – guess who has to be the best and let everyone know it!
on point 6 – you know what I am tired of completing this ever ovious pattern…the narc is far, far, far worse than I have the energy to recount
I am planning for its demise (i am shocked by this admission). I know i am a decent person looking for a decent life…all of this is in a holding patter. Fortunately its dismissal of biology (i’m a biologist) is contemptuous, it really thinks it’s invincible..> 8000 kcal perday, no exercise, 10 hours on its back and 11 hours playing fortnite.marvellous!!!
Be gone.
Hello,
Thanks for the site and for sharing your experiences. It’s a very tough place to be in. I believe I am married to a narcissist and/or BPD. For years she has exhibited troubling behavior, but nothing is ever her fault. When we met she was passionate, open, sharing and giving. She frequently engaged in social circles with friends and she had a relationship with her family.
Years, later she does not speak to either one of her brothers. She will not call family because they can call her. She does not see friends, because one of them is always trying to tell the group what to do. However, they continue to see other. Within my relationship…I’ve grown beyond frustrated. She will not speak for days. She will not speak until I apologize or demonstrate some remorse. (She will classify any kind gesture as an act of remorse she wants to win and be in control.)
I don’t care now she can go for days and I will not allow it to affect my mood. She doesn’t say good morning, sometimes when leaving for work she won’t say goodbye. I used to complain–now I make sure to do the opposite. When we argue, she deflects and brings up things from 5-10 years ago. Not once, but she will do it again and again. She gets personal and she says things with the desire for it hurt—especially when I stick to the facts. If am speaking she will frequently interrupt, cutting me off.
She will say, I am repeating myself—I am because she won’t allow me to get a word in. The more I try, the louder she gets and she justifies it! When I challenge her on this, she thinks it ok…no need to respect what I am trying to say. She will ignore tasks with the expectation I will do it. She resents the fact I work from home, so she expects me to do everything while home—but when she is off/home, it’s her day off.
We have a son and he is young, I am here because I know she would ruin that kid if I l left. I decided today to look for ways to give her hell and I very grateful for this article and those that shared before me.
I have been married to a lady for 28 years who I believe was raised by a narcissistic mother. She was the scapegoat. This was my first marriage at 40, her third at 41. She has had a lot of mental issues, in and out of mental hospitals several times. She has been on disability for about 17 years.
There have been some tough times between us. I am retired now was really working on being a better husband since I no longer work. We were both amazed how well things were going. She has isolated herself for many years. About the time the pandemic started a real good friend of mine came down with brain and lung cancer. He was supposed to be dead by now but he’s still alive. I was driving him for his chemo treatments 260 miles round trip.
I asked him if he wanted to come over for a coffee when we got back which he did and he started to come over every day, which was ok with my wife. Things really got bad with the virus and I’ve had a transplant and I finally told him that I couldn’t do it anymore. He had to find someone else. The next day he asked if my wife could do it which I thought was odd. I said no. He used to say that a gentleman shouldn’t stop over when the man was gone and I had a doctor”s appointment out of town. He and my wife both smoke, but different brands.
I emptied the ashtrays outside and in the garage. When I got home his cigarette butts were in the ashtray in the garage. The next day I asked her how long he was here and she said he wasn’t. She finally admitted he was, but said that he didn’t get out of the car.
I said that yes he did and she blew up. But finally admitted he did. And then I did something that I’m not to proud of and a few times since. I looked at her texts and she told him to not come over that I knew that he had been over the day before. I don’t believe that they’re having a physical affair but definitely an emotional one. I could handle a one-night stand a lot easier. It breaks my heart the personal things that she told him. But what she does has gotten me so confused. She tells me I’m crazy, that I need help, that she’s just trying to help him through his illness.
That I ruining her friendship with him. He has said a lot of negative things about me and taught her how to delete messages. She used to want me to go to therapy with her which I didn’t. I wish I would have now. I’ve asked her to go and now she won’t. She says I’m the one that needs help.
Not her. I know that there’s an emotional affair going on, but after reading this column she seems just like that gaslighting you talk about. She was a scapegoat with her mom who is now deceased. This guy who was my friend has been married a few times and dated a few gals for a while. But they never lasted more than a year. Is my wife more susceptible to becoming a scapegoat again being she was one once. Maybe it’s just an emotional affair.
I’m about to go over and confront the little bastard. But he’s got cancer you know. I think it’s time for him to live like he’s dying. Thanks for listening. It helps just getting it off my chest.
Get out as fast as you possibly can from these people. They are toxic, sick, heartless and you will sell your soul to the devil if you stay like I have.
Ever since I got caught in the trap of a narc 2/2019, lured 1500 from home, friends, family, job, support, transportation,etc and nearly driven to the brink. Sadly, I fell in in love with the ‘phantom’; the personality that lured me in- the fraud. Sadly, I believe if he can imitate all the beautiful things, he can live them. With that, I’m still leaving. I can feel all the sappy feelings but make the smart choice to leave.
I have no desire to sink to the level of pissing of my narc or anyone else. I wont replace unhealthy with more unhealthy. I’m just going to leave and pray for him. Only God can help em.
I married a narcissist and the marriage lasted just over a year. She was also an alcoholic which brought out her nasty side. Rather than just break up she lied and got an order of protection against me. Not being able to get all my things out, she began steeling my things and claiming the things she took aren’t in the apartment and has no idea where they are. I’m an artist so she chose to take a dozen of my paintings. Of course they were the ones I liked best. She was a compulsive liar and claims she was a good wife and everything was my fault. She could start an argument over nothing and as I was steaming for hours over it, she could go back to watching television and be laughing at something within 10 minutes, like she got her fix and could now relax and drink her wine. Narcissists are some of the most horrible people out there, nothing but trouble and drama constantly.
The part about how narcissists can’t stand someone else being acknowledged exactly describes my older sister. Our parents said she was the most talented musician and a genius at school. I used to be proud of my sister’s achievements.
When another kid was better at playing the piano or received praise, my sister would grumble and express resentment which I thought was just humor and sarcasm. Then in my teens, I started doing good academically and seriously studying music. I expected my sister to be proud of me the way I was proud of her. But she got angry when people complimented me and said they only said nice things to me in order to be rude to her. After people walked away, she would chew me out and rant about how horrible they were just because they gave me the tiniest compliment.
When I got higher scores than she had gotten on standardized tests, she said my test scores weren’t real. She got nastier over time as people in the real world didn’t confirm her belief that she is an extra special genius. Once the narcissistic parent was no longer around to tell her she is better than everyone else, my sister became a toxic hazard who is angry 24/7. She keeps up appearances socially, but in private she is always bitterly wishing death on anyone who makes her feel small and unimportant. Our family is having difficulties right now and I am left to solve the problems while she tells me bitterly 5-6 times a day that she hopes the people she blames for our problems will die.
To me, that reveals a sense of powerlessness and an emotional IQ of an elementrary school child who thinks saying “I hope he dies” is a big deal. Admittedly, I often wish the narcissist would die so I can live in peace, but I won’t use futile expressions of hatred as a substitute for taking real action to try to deal with my problems.
I am curious as if my ex was/is a narcissist. She came from a rich family. Often pushed as a kid to succeed in many different activities (piano, karate, swimming, etc), her parents were very successful but did not spend any time with her. She clearly lacked compassion and care from parenting. Her dad and her both suffer from anxiety and insomnia. I’ll elaborate on this later.
When we first met, it was all wonderful. An amazing feeling of connection and love I had yet to experience. As we started living together she complained about my friends coming over. All she wanted to do is smoke weed after she got done working and watch TV. The only movies/shows that were acceptable are shows/movies containing good looking ppl. I enjoyed a variety of tv from foreign to domestic. As long as the acting and story were good, I did not care.
She would often be angry when my friends would come over, mostly ignoring them and making situations very awkward and uncomfortable. All she wanted to do is to be us two together, ALL THE TIME!
My ex went to an Ivy League school and spent most of her college doing drugs. When we first met she had many troubles at work place and I tried everything to help her resolve those issues and move forward accordingly. As the time passed her addiction to Xanax grew bigger and mood swings would come and go very often. She showed no empathy for other people, where I would get very emotional when just talking about poverty and 3rd world problems. To deal with her work issues, she started buying an obscene amount of designer brand clothing as if that was somehow calming her. This was almost as if she was trying to belittle me since I was in between careers and my finances were tied up. She would get irritated bc I talk to my parents every day and would give me crap about being on social media all of the time.
I did all the chores around the house. Cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping…you name it. She finally started to do better at her job even tho most of the days she would spend talking about how she hated her job and that she is miserable.
As her Xanax addiction grew and grew I finally told her that I didn’t know how much longer I can sustain being with her but she kept making me promise her that I will marry her. I was so confused as to what to say so I had to go with yes ofc bc I did love her, but in the back of my mind was always skeptical.
Finally I helped her taper off Xanax but once off of it, her mood swings got even worse. From crying to uncontrollable laughter, to being angry and miserable with her job, I finally decided that I had to leave, and asked her to please get some professional help.
When I broke up with her, all hell broke lose. She was begging me not to leave, while on a verge of having a panic attack. Screaming and tossing in bed. Finally she flipped got mad at me and even threw my clothes in one of the suitcases. She proceeded to swallow whole bunch of pills, and pass out in the bathroom. I had to break in to make sure she is breathing. I was very close to calling 911 but I knew overdosing on Xanax is not very common so I monitored her all night before finally leaving the morning.
This was my 3rd or 4th time “breaking up” with her. Every other time she’d somehow pull me back in and convince me we were soul mates or twin flames as she’d call it.
Her lack of empathy, disregard for my feelings, just worrying about herself and her materialistic possessions on top of drug addiction, finally tipped me over and honestly leaving her was on the hardest things I’ve done in my life. Not sure why, or is it normal to even miss her to this day, knowing that she is definitely not good for my well being. I even started getting anxiety and muscle twitches (that I’ve never had before). If someone could chip in and let me know if I was dealing with a narcissist , I’d greatly appreciate it.
Also sorry for jumping from subject to subject. Thanks!
My dads third wife was a pessimistic, condescending, narcissistic, short tempered and emotionally abusive control freak who treated me like a dog. And the worst part was I didn’t even know what she was doing to me until my mom pointed it out to me. So at some point I got so mad and so fed up that I wrote her an email. An email that told her what kind of person I thought she was, what she was doing to me and basically the worst possible things/insults/curse words I could ever think of to say to her. I wasn’t there to see her reaction but I could imagine that it had to been pretty severe. But I never saw her again after that and after staying with my mom I have recovered immensely from it, still am. But either way I’m glad to have my Second step mom out of my life.
Excellent write up sir, i was hanging about with some psycho Narc before, various attempts at control and manipulation.
I started to sense his underlying wickedness being an Empath myself.
Under the guise of being an Empath himself, from the little knowledge that i had at the time i know that one cannot possibly be a Narc and an Empath at the same time/impossible.
I love yr write ups sir, so empowering Jesus Christ/Emmanuel!!! 🙌
Holidays are always ruined!!
There is always a reason to blame/critize me, even if it’s out of my control and the temptation is around him. But it’s my fault.
I don’t argue with him anymore- I say my view, I don’t get heard but cut off, then blames me for giving him the incorrect info, throws a tantrum, I say my feeling statement & walk out into another room or go for a walk. I say “ I don’t appreciate to be blamed but thank you for ruining another holiday. You can go yourself”
Works most of the time…even when invited to weddings/ birthdays. As they are usually his friends’ invitations, he can’t be seen alone (image), he will try to charm me (& then ignore me during the event if I do go – has happened before) or try to drag his mates to go with him or better yet, not go & tell invitees that I’m working/sick – but never say he’s the reason we aren’t going…(his immaturity of the situation).
No support or having your back when there is a problem. Just sad.. another holiday missed due to his childish behaviour.
I could have gone, as it was paid for, but I have no intention to act happy infront of his friends when I’m not & have the guilt trip from him.
I feel we attack each other than work against the problem!
Good to hear I’m not alone and there are some good tips