5 Risky Ways To Get Revenge on a Narcissist

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The narcissist has hurt you so many times. 

Maybe they’ve gaslighted you or smeared you or completely destroyed your self-esteem. And somehow, they continue to get away with their awful behavior. 

Even when things seem to be getting better, you may feel like you’re walking on eggshells. It’s like they can change their mood or behavior at any given moment, and you always feel like your five steps behind them. 

Either way, you want to take revenge on a Narcissist. You want to force a Narcissistic breakdown. You want them to feel some of the pain you’ve endured. They’ve made you feel miserable, and now you want them to feel miserable in return.

But is your desire to seek revenge on the narcissist smart? Moreover, is it even possible? Let’s take a look at what hurts a narcissist and why it’s not advised to seek revenge. 

Why Do You Want Revenge On The Narcissist?

It’s essential to do some self-reflection when you want to hurt the narcissist.

What’s going on within you? Do you feel trapped or alone in your struggles? Does it seem like things aren’t ever going to get better? Have you suffered from Narcissistic abuse?

Take some time to think about your intentions. It’s normal for us to seek revenge when we feel helpless, powerless, or otherwise unsure about how to proceed. It’s also normal to want to hurt people who have hurt us.

Nobody likes feeling like they’re being played. We tend to seek revenge because we think it will give us a sense of justice. We also believe it might help us heal from the pain we’ve endured. 

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That said, it’s important to remember that revenge has limited benefits. Research suggests that getting even feels rewarding for the first few moments.

However, after that reward quickly fades, your left feeling more aggravated and resentful. Then, you may even turn towards punishing yourself because you felt guilty for seeking revenge. 

revenge on a narcisssist

What Hurts a Narcissist?

Although it may seem surprising, narcissists are incredibly sensitive. They have fragile egos, and they spend a great deal of time and energy protecting those egos. 

But people rarely see their insecurities because narcissists expel so much energy acting like they’re better than everyone else. They mask their inferiority by trying to convince everyone how fantastic they really are.

It’s not a secret that narcissists love attention. Therefore, any lack of attention can be detrimental to their well-being. So what hurts them?

1. Being Publicly Humiliated

Humiliation is one of the greatest antidotes to narcissistic behavior. Narcissists hate feeling embarrassed. Nothing can be more shameful than when other people recognize their fraudulent intentions.

But narcissists don’t accept negative feedback. Instead, they often:

  • Turn against other people in an attempt to humiliate them.
  • Blame other people or situations for their incompetence or stupidity.
  • Convince others that they are the victims of their circumstances.
  • Defend their behavior mercilessly (no matter how ridiculous it may seem).

2. Rejection

Narcissists can’t understand why anyone would reject them. Rejection hurts, but instead of looking inward, they tend to lash out at others. A narcissist may react to rejection by:

  • Trying to rally other people into rejecting the other person.
  • Spending excess time and energy trying to make the other person feel miserable
  • Pretending the rejection didn’t happen at all
  • Bombarding the other person with reasons why they need to reconsider the rejection
  • Excessively defending their actions 

3. Loss of Control

Narcissists feel the need to control almost every situation. Control makes them feel safe- it’s what gives them power and authority over their lives (and the lives of others).

When they feel like they’re losing control, they often:

  • Engage in whatever tactics they can to restore control.
  • Blame other people for causing them distress or turmoil.
  • Convince others they are victims of unfair circumstances.
  • Become physically violent to maintain a sense of power.
  • Use threats or other hostile language to get what they want. 

4. Losing 

It’s no secret that narcissists hate losing. Losing means that someone or something might be better than them, and this reality often seems completely unacceptable.

When a narcissist loses, they might react in many extreme ways, including:

  • Blaming the other person or an external situation for unfair circumstances.
  • Pretending as if they are still the winner.
  • Convincing other people that the “judge” or situation was incompetent or unjust.
  • Excessively shaming the winner or the other bystanders.

5. Someone Else’s Emotions

Narcissists focus on themselves. Other emotions are nuances. They are distractions and get in the way of getting what they want. When faced with someone else’s emotions, narcissists often react by:

  • Telling you that you’re overreacting.
  • Explaining how you should feel instead.
  • Convincing you that nobody else cares about what you’re experiencing.
  • Finding a reason to insult or criticize you for how you’re feeling.

You might consider engaging in one of these tactics if you want to seek revenge. Since you know they effectively hurt the narcissist, they feel tempting. Let’s get into why this mindset is rarely effective. 

Why Does Seeking Revenge Only Tend to Make Things Worse?

When you’re reactive to a narcissist, the narcissist notices your intentions. They see that they’ve elicited a strong response from you, which tends to cause more problems.

You May Put Yourself in Danger

Angry narcissists can become extremely impulsive and even violent. When they don’t get their way, they tend to do whatever it takes to restore their power.

Unfortunately, narcissists also do a great job of convincing other people that they’re wonderful. Therefore, you risk nobody believing you if they hurt you. 

They May Dish It Back Ten Times Harder 

You might think that mocking, laughing, or insulting them can poke holes in their seemingly flawless system. However, narcissists are unable to take and reconcile feedback. Instead, they will likely double down on their efforts to hurt you back.

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In doing this, they may dig up every single issue they have with you (and they may make some up!). The goal here is ruthless: you attempted to hurt them, and they are going to make you pay for it.

You Will Feel the Guilt They Never Feel

Narcissists lack empathy and attention for others. They don’t understand how their actions impact other people. Subsequently, when they hurt you, they don’t truly realize that it hurts!

Even though seeking revenge may feel good for a moment, you may experience extreme guilt, shame, and self-loathing afterward.

These feelings are good- they signify that you aren’t narcissistic or sociopath yourself! But it makes seeking revenge a relatively pointless endeavor.

They Will Still Act Like the Victim

If you do seek revenge (and it works), the narcissist won’t reflect on how they should change their behavior. Instead, the new story will be rooted in how awful and evil you are.

For example, let’s say you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist and leave them for someone else.

This may undoubtedly hurt the narcissist, but they won’t reveal their pain. Instead, they’ll tell the world about how you couldn’t be trusted or how insensitive you are or how they always knew you were going to leave.

In other words, the narcissist remains protected. They do what they can to make you look like the bad guy. Unfortunately, their strategies often work.

What is The Worst Thing You Can Do to a Narcissist?

If you want to know how to hurt a narcissist, it’s helpful to remember that the worst thing is also the simplest thing. Of course, simple doesn’t mean easy, and many people find this advice extremely challenging. 

We know narcissists rely on validation and attention to meet their needs. They need people adoring over them to feel important. When you feel frustrated with the narcissist, it’s normal to want to “get back at them.” 

However, the worst thing you can do is nothing. By nothing, that means you don’t acknowledge them. You don’t criticize or correct or try to change them. You don’t do anything at all.

Ignoring a narcissist may feel challenging. After all, they tend to be experts in exploring and manipulating people. They engage in so many tactics designed to trigger a reaction. 

But ignoring their behavior basically shuts down any enabling. It sends a strong message that you don’t care about what they say or do. For a narcissist, your lack of caring is far more damaging than even hating the behavior. It’s what drives a narcissist insane.

Can You Outsmart a Narcissist?

Yes. Outsmarting a narcissist can happen when you decide to no longer play their games. When you’re no longer playing the same game, you don’t have to abide by their predetermined rules or shenanigans.

Outsmarting a narcissist often means:

  • Knowing your own boundaries.
  • Respecting and honoring your personal integrity. 
  • Refusing to enable narcissistic behavior by ignoring it.
  • Considering a no-contact approach if you decide to end the relationship.

With that in mind, you probably cannot outsmart a narcissist if you continue engaging in your familiar dynamic. They won’t respond well to you arguing or intellectualizing their behavior. If you fight back, they tend to become more reactive and explosive. 

If anything, these strategies simply add fuel to their chaotic intentions. Once they have you reacting, they can turn up the knob on their own obnoxious behavior. 

Outsmarting a narcissist is not the same as revenge on a Narcissist, it means you choose to step aside. You don’t keep arguing back. You don’t keep hoping that they grow or change. Finally, you let go of expectations that the narcissist will recognize their behavior. 

This insight can feel incredibly painful. However, it’s an important step towards moving forward in your recovery. 

How to Get Revenge on a Narcissist With Low or No-Contact?

If you’re truly ready to walk away from the relationship, you may be ready for a low or no-contact approach. At first, these strategies may seem harsh. You might want to barter, rationalize, or even excuse the narcissist’s behavior. 

But if nothing changes, nothing changes. You may still feel the same anger, frustration, and sadness. 

Going Low Contact

Low contact means limiting your interactions and relationship effort. You will need to set firm boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate. 

For example, you might decide that you won’t talk to the narcissist about your feelings. Instead, you will only engage in small talk about the weather or other mundane current events. You might also set limits on how often and where you interact with the narcissist.

It isn’t advised to tell the narcissist about these plans. If you do, they will likely pester you with questions or insults. They’ll try to justify their behavior and get you to change your mind. 

Many people prefer taking the low contact approach when no contact seems too stressful.

It may be best if you’re dealing with your child’s other parent, close family members, or coworkers, and bosses.

Some people start with a low contact approach before progressing into the no contact approach.

Going No Contact

No contact means exactly what it sounds like. You avoid all contact with the other person. If they call you, you don’t answer. If they bombard you with a million emails or texts, you still don’t respond.

In other words, they basically stop existing. You just cut them out of your life altogether. This approach is the most extreme one you can take. However, it also tends to be the most effective if you want to move on with your life.

Final Thoughts on Getting Revenge on The Narcissist

Although it’s tempting to want to seek revenge on a narcissist, these emotional strategies rarely work.

First, revenge rarely makes people feel good beyond just a few moments.

Moreover, revenge doesn’t take away the pain you endured during the relationship. It doesn’t absolve the frustration, sadness, or confusion you feel. 

Instead, focus on living your life. Focus on finding your happiness and your sense of success and love. That approach inadvertently offers the very best way to take revenge. 

21 thoughts on “5 Risky Ways To Get Revenge on a Narcissist”

  1. Wow, an eye opener for me! So true, time to step up, time for change! He cheated on me, had an almost 4 year affair, never once after me finding out the truth has he spoken a word about the affair, his comments about it, and I quote “you know the truth, build a bridge and get over it!” Their bastard child is turning 3 this year!

  2. the piece or trash stole money from me and my children lied cheated treated me dirty for 10 yrs and still plays the victim. I have never hated someone so bad like i do him

    • Mine forced me to sell my inheritance to only secretly take the money and pay hookers 3 years ago. I am raising our 6 years old child alone because he now choose to abandon him for sugarmamas and to live a double life until he left his email open on my son computer. God knew he wasn’t the one for us.These people are pure evil.

    • I had the same , he stole my life savings and was cheating with many women. He tried to have me arrested with fake charges to counter me going no contact, but the police investigated and realised that he is vindictive and dishonest. Thank God , I have my child but he stole 10years and my life savings… I hope all the evil he does comes back to him.

  3. I know what you mean, Reka. My dad was a bad one. He died last year and I still can’t forgive him for all the suffering and destruction he caused. If something is not going right, I immediately think it’s because someone with bad intentions is plotting against me. In other words, I’ll have PTSD for the rest of my life. Thanks Dad.

  4. My husband left me after 30 years married 8 years. Works 3000 kilometres away and did it by phone. Took all the money closed all bank accounts and gives me money every fortnight. I have 2 life threatening illnesses and treats me like dirt. I did everything for him. I can’t get over it. My days are consumed with hatred at myself for being so trustworthy and kind. My mother was the same. I have lived with a narrcissist all my life. I can’t move forward and wish for the end daily. They destroy you, they have no soul. Stupid, stupid me for not seeing I.

    • that is horrific, you’re in my thoughts, Simone… I am married (27yrs) to a narcissist and badly need to leave but also have a debilitating illness. Like u I am devastated that I did not understand what was happening earlier. I just knew I was getting weaker, smaller as a person in the relationship I thought it was something about me being defective, etc.

  5. The lies he would create & slander …to justify why He was shagging around. He would try to blackmail me any way he could. The cruelty of his words & the complete lack of emotional support when I needed any, was astounding.
    I fell for his good looks & good sex & it took me shamefully ages to walk away. Now I’ve Got Some Headspace to Be Me Again

  6. Hi,
    It’s not only blokes who destroy women with narcissistic actions. I have been left feeling worthless with very low self esteem after years of manipulation and very hurtful mind games from ex girlfriend. Your description of how a narcissist treats their partners was spot on as to how my relationship panned out. I have not been able to move on since she left me, but continued to keep a tight grasp over me after years of pleading with her to leave me alone. Every deliberate action of hers she denies and I am constantly left to question myself and defend myself for things I didn’t do. To the point not long ago I couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to end my life. Even that was twisted around so I was made to feel guilty and it was all about her.
    Depression and anxiety are crippling me while she carries on as if nothing happened and has already ended another relationship.

    Feel so broken

    • I was in a relationship with my narcissist GF for 5 years I didn’t know what it was about until I read up on it and they are the same … They feed off your kindness and empathy all the while they devalue you gradually which shifts the balance ..it empowers them
      whilst making you feel weakened, isolated and completely lowers your own self-esteem until your ground chalk .. hence the resulting feelings of depression and hopelessness your experiencing.

      I don’t care if they say it’s a disorder to me they are just plain evil, parasitic in a way .. Go no contact ( which I know can be very hard to do ) and start to be your own best friend again as true happiness comes from deep within yourself, you don’t need anyone to complete you in order to be happy ..when you discover that and find your feet again things will be better and you will be able to move on

    • I’ve had exactly the same ibtried to move on and he told lies about that person and stopped our relationship…we made me promises then I found out he was with a 25 year old girl hes 47 …when he’d been making me promises ..hes turned it all on me saying im a bunny boiler … im trying to have no contact with him …but its so hard and I don’t no why cause hes treated me terrible

  7. Marcus

    After 20 yrs of helping to build their career to where it is today, she decides to have an affair and leave yet us consumed with not being seen as a bad mother of 3 boys and doing everything she can do to vilify me and scorch our past relationship to justify her actions while pushing this convoluted narrative it’s for the best of the family! Our eldest confronted her about it which she dismissed in a sadly non maternal way, as he is the one with the issues. Her act to care for the youngest children is to use an ipad as a parenting device while obsessing over Instagram! It has crippled us but we see it for what it is and the light!

  8. I was the scapegoat to my covert, malignant narcissistic step-mom from age 7-16. She really broke me down and now 25 years later I have debilitating anxiety and depression. I have EXTREMELY low self worth and live in constant shame. I was a child and I am so angry that she just gets to get away with it. I am determined to hold her accountable somehow but I haven’t figured out the right way yet. I have to find some way to stick up for myself against her and I am determined to do it. I won’t do anything illegal but if I can expose her somehow and cause her the shame and embarrassment she deserves, I really think I’ll feel better. Wish me luck.

  9. I recently started getting with a lad and everything was fine over the phone and video calling but we met and every time we meet we have an argument and its always about him going with other people and ex girlfriends and he puts on the tears so quick but he says he likes me and kisses me and all that and he doesn’t like confrontation just ups and leaves and gets a taxi, I did used to beg him to stay but now I say bye see you when i see you and he comes back all the time but I just don’t see the point why he comes back, iv read all about narcissists but it’s so hard to just go no contact he even messages my friends to have my number and rings off other people’s phones, my anxiety and depression is getting bad and I’m loosing weight so quick it feels like it’s eating me up

  10. Some of my greatest joys of life has been playing the game of “let’s see how far YOU want to take this.” With a narcissist. Crazy wins the fight and backs them down quick, and I mean acting crazy and hyper aggressive with them. When I got threatened with weapons, they were tossed in a lake, about 20+ of them. When parts of my car were busted up, I made sure the engines to all their toys blew and left them stranded. And when they threatened my family, I busted their stuff up with a sledge and let them know if a finger was laid on my family, this hammer is being laid on them. And when a narcissist physically grappled with me, they felt my strength and I backed them down. Being a bully to narcissists is the best joy in life. And they all end up leaving me and my family after my games of craziness and insanity I dump on narcissist scum.

    My friend’s dad started being narcissistic with me, so I gave his son all kinds of articles on how to deal with a narcissistic parent so he loses his son as a personal supply source. I am poison to a narcissist and care zero percent about their feelings, besides they are less than human.

    Fyi I’m a very grumpy (to bad people) sigma male. Sigmas are cancer to a narcissist. Go get you a sigma friend today and go narcissist hunting.

    • Thank you for posting this – I wish you lived nearby. My last month has been absolute hell and in spite of providing audio recordings and photos of my ex assaulting me, half our friends are choosing him and have even acted to intervene in the legal proceedings. I pray there will be justice.

  11. Seems like narcissistic traits are pretty consistent I (m) was married to one(f) for a little over 2 years. Honeymoon was fine and normal (talking, sex, talking during sex, dinners and dating, etc). About two months after the wedding she changed INSTANTLY. I stayed for a bit more than 2 more years. No talking, no intimacy (well, in two years it was about four times). I said things need to change and she laughed. I left. The rejection set her off and she started on a campaign to ruin me socially. I’m an introvert and it really didn’t do much – other than momentarily annoy me. My best revenge? I remarried to somebody with millions of dollars. The ex hated it – and couldn’t do anything about it. There was no alimony – just a lot of my smiling at her. The best revenge is living well and ignoring all else.

  12. I also was married over 10 years to a narcissist. He wanted me to start a business and I did. It took over 5 years for it to kick in and grow and it did by leaps and bounds. It became very successful and prosperous. When it did that’s when It all changed. He wanted the glory the money and didn’t believe I deserved anything. He was very manipulative. Truthfully I didn’t even know anything about a narcissist I soon would learn the hard way. He did it to me took it all and pushed me away. He would return from time to time when he needed to use me and after I fixed the problems in the business he had no more use for me. He left me penniless I can’t even retire because he took my retirement money. He said I’m not respectful. He tries to make me believe it’s all my fault.


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