The term “narcissist” definitely doesn’t come with a positive connotation. Anyone who has been a victim of narcissistic abuse knows these folks aren’t particularly pleasant.
In fact, they’re known to be quite cold, callous, and manipulative. Given this fact, you’re probably taken by surprise when the narcissist shows flickers of kindness.
If you notice the narcissist being nice to you, you might be confused. Perhaps you’re also filled with doubt.
Maybe you find yourself thinking this person isn’t a narcissist after all. Not so fast!
Narcissists are sometimes kind, because they have something to gain from it.
Why narcissists show kindness
As with all other narcissistic behavior, the narcissist may choose kindness because it works for them. What’s important is that you see through the kindness for what it really is: an act.
If the narcissist is being nice, it’s probably for one of the reasons below.
They’re love bombing you
At the start of a relationship, the narcissist love bombs like no other. They’ll shower you with attention, affection, and compliments, and you’ll believe you’re the center of their world.
The narcissist love bombs to get you to fall head over heels in love. Convinced you’ve met the perfect love of your life, you’ll commit yourself fully to the relationship with the narcissist.
This is exactly what the narcissist wants. Now that you’re fully committed to the relationship, they can get whatever they want from you, no matter how badly they treat you.
After displays of particularly bad behavior, the narcissist may return to the love bombing stage again. This allows them to suck you back in, because you’ll be convinced they’ve changed.
They want something from you
The narcissist knows they must butter you up before asking for a favor. After all, their requests are never small or simple.
So, they know they need to be in your good graces before they start making demands. To prepare to swoop in and ask for a favor, they might be especially nice, at least temporarily.
They might give you a compliment, offer to help with something small, or simply pretend to show interest in how you’re doing. Once you’ve fallen for their facade of kindness, it will be much easier for them to exploit you for their own gain.
To maintain a positive public image
Narcissists are masters at maintaining a positive reputation. So, they’ll be nice to you because it makes them look good.
They will be overly attentive and flattering toward you when out in public. Others will take note of how wonderful of a person the narcissist is!
So caring, so kind.
Such a loving and doting partner.
What a great family man he is!
Rest assured, the kindness isn’t genuine. The narcissist just has to uphold their image of being an altruistic person.
When they can convince others that they’re good people, narcissists also feel a sense of superiority, which fuels their never satisfied egos.
To control you
Narcissists don’t actually care about their significant others; they simply care about what you can bring to their life and what they can get from you.
They’ll be nice at times, but it’s all a control game. If they think you’re pulling away, they’ll throw you breadcrumbs of kindness so they can maintain control over you.
They need you to be immediately available to them should they need to extract something that they want from you. So, they will occasionally be kind enough to keep you under their wing.
As a way to gain social advantages
Narcissists are excellent actors, and they love putting on a good show. If they have something to gain socially from being nice, you can guarantee they’ll play nice for a while.
Perhaps you’re spending time with a friend who could boost the narcissist’s status. Or, maybe you’re networking with potential business associates at a social event.
In these settings, the narcissist will be especially nice to you. They must portray themselves as good people and good partners.
If the narcissist appears to treat their lover well, of course, they can be trusted! Their momentary display of kindness can gain them a social advantage.
Perhaps they win over a new client or solidify a friendship they could use to their advantage.
To Maintain the Relationship
If the narcissist were never nice, you wouldn’t stay in a relationship with them. They have to be nice from time-to-time to keep up the relationship.
They will occasionally be overly nice to give you hope that they can treat you well. This behavior typically comes after a period of really bad behavior.
The narcissist knows when they’ve gone too far, and they don’t want to lose you as a source of attention and admiration. They’ll be nice for just long enough to stop you from leaving, only to return to their old ways.
They Need Some Narcissistic Supply
The narcissist lives off of supply, which is any form of attention, affection, validation, or admiration they can get from you.
The narcissist has an insatiable appetite for supply, so they’re always seeking it out. If you’re not handing out supply like candy, they’ll have to make an effort to get it from you.
They might be nice to you when they’re after some form of supply. They’ll be overly sweet and affectionate, hoping you’ll return the favor.
When people are nice, even if it’s just for a moment, you feel more positively about them. This makes it more likely that you’ll dole out the supply they so strongly crave.
The bottom line
Narcissists aren’t genuinely nice people but occasionally show signs of kindness. Their nice behavior may look genuine, but it rarely is.
When the narcissist is nice, it’s not out of the goodness of their heart. Instead, it’s an attempt to get something they need.
Recognition.
Admiration.
Supply.
Some type of favor.
An improved reputation.
A continued relationship that fulfills their every demand.
Social advantages.
Power and control.
The narcissist can gain any of these things by being nice. In this way, their kindness is nothing but manipulation.
Proceed with caution
Kindness from the narcissist might make you wonder if they’ve changed. Perhaps you think they’re not even narcissistic after all.
Be careful here. The narcissist probably hasn’t changed, and the kindness isn’t genuine. They just want something from you.
As soon as you give it to them, they’ll return to their cold, callous ways. And, if you withhold whatever they’re asking for, they’ll be anything but kind.
A truly kind person is caring and respectful simply because it’s who they are. They don’t want anything in return.
You can’t ever expect this sort of genuineness from the narcissist.
