The No Contact Rule: The Narcissist and No Contact

The “No Contact” rule for leaving a narcissist means exactly what it states – No Contact, No emails, no texts, no late night dial and hang-ups, no drive-by’s, no contacting by proxy (via friends or family), no Facebook or Favorite Place stalking, no leaving notes on his/her car or apartment door, no sending letters……NO NOTHING. It is much harder than it sounds.

It will be hard because after a break-up you want closure. You want to be heard, you want them to know the pain they’ve caused- but they are never going to listen, and even if they do, they don’t understand the meaning.

That is the beauty of “No Contact.” You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you were screaming. No Contact is pure rejection and the utmost revenge. It is empowering. It is your last word. Thatis your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict.

They have finally come to understand you know who and what they are. They know their tricks no longer work with you…they know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. You are no longer their victim.

Tips to Help You Adhere to No Contact:

Settle all critical business before you begin No-Contact. This means business only… no personal exchanges.

Keep them pinned up in a room where you will see them throughout the day, read them frequently to remind you of them.

The 21 Rules Of No Contact With The Narcissist

1. To keep my sanity and totally end this relationship, I must maintain NO CONTACT.

2. No Contact includes every single form of contact with him/her.

2a. This also includes NOT asking my friends/family about him/her and not letting friends/family tell me about him/her. If need be, I will go No Contact with any friends/family who try to get me to break No Contact.

3. I will not email him/her. I will not answer their emails. If he/she emails me, I will delete the message without reading it or answering it. I will block them.

4. I will not call him/her. I will not answer their calls. If he/she calls me, I will hang up immediately, or not answer the phone at all. I will block them and if need be, change my number to an unlisted one (and not give it to anyone who may pass it along to them).

5. I will not send him/her letters, cards for any occasion or notes of any kind. Any flowers, mail or packages they send to me will be refused or marked “delivery refused” and put back into the mail, unopened. (Do save important documents and anything that could be used for evidence of stalking or harassment)

6. I will not text message, two way, fax or page him/her.  If he/she two-ways me, text messages or faxes me. I will delete the message or the phone number and not listen to the message or return his/her call.

8. If he/she leaves a voice mail or answering machine messages, I will delete it without listening to it. (Anything he/she says is done to draw me back into his/her web of insanity.)

9. I will not check his/her Facebook/Tumblr/LinkedIn etc, and I will block them. I will delete him or her name and number from my phones. I will delete his/her email addresses. I will delete him/her from MySpace, Facebook, Friendster, LinkedIn and every other website on which I’m currently connected.

10. If he/she mails me a card, letter or note of any kind, I will throw it into the garbage can without opening it or reading it or write delivery refused and put it in the nearest mailbox without reading or opening it.  (Do save important documents and anything that could be used for evidence of stalking or harassment)

12. If I am ever tempted to do anything listed from 1-10, I will call my therapist or a friend immediately and talk about it.

OR replace a hopeful reunion fantasy (or toxic hopes that they will “get it” and “change”) with a Clear Memory of a time that he/she insulted me, manipulated me, shamed me, blamed me, abused me, used me, belittled me, made me cry, used my children, friends or family to demean me, embarrassed me in front of co-workers, family or friends.

13. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write, email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clearly ask myself silently, why am I doing this? what do I think will really happen?

14. If friends, family or clergy are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own.

15. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the situation, and then get right back on to No Contact.

16. No “accidental” meetings (if I can help it).  I will change my routine, go to the gym at a different time or on different days, find an alternate sports pub, or go to a different grocery store. Yes, it’s unfair that I have to change my lifestyle for the moment, but time and distance is how I’ll heal.

Alternatively, even if I have to have my best friend lock me in my apartment/house, I will not go to places I know he/she is likely to be. (Even if you think you’re doing this to show them how happy you now are, this will backfire on you. Don’t do it!)

17. I will avoid places that remind me of him/her.

18. I will distrust every time he/she has a “change of heart.”

19. I won’t keep a foot in the door. (This applies to your foot as well as hers). Whether it’s leaving a few things behind at my place or negotiating visitation with a pet, I must cut my losses. When we break up, I will get all of his/her stuff out of my home ASAP.  (Or do my best to get all of my belongings out of their place at once).

I won’t leave anything behind that I can’t live without. I will not allow him/her or myself an excuse to resume contact. (If you adopted a pet while you were together, just let him/her have the dog, cat, ferret, etc.)

20. I must accept responsibility for maintaining No Contact. I will stop expecting them to understand or ‘get it.’

21. I will avoid alcohol and other inhibition reducing substances. “Drinking and dialing” is generally always a big mistake. I don’t want to let this person back into my life because I had one too many drinks. (Plus, if you’re feeling down or depressed about the break-up/divorce, alcohol is a central nervous system depressant and will only make you feel worse.)