We all know narcissists have nothing in their empathy tank. It’s empty – some might even say barron.
They’re keen to hunt it out in others, though. Think about it. If you were a narcissist, and you knew somebody would forgive you over and over, would you continue to do what you wanted?
You would!
When it comes to faking empathy, this is something they’re full of. Oh believe me, they can pour empathy out like it’s gin at the weekend.
Let’s explore how.
Empathy: Let’s Get To It
I would describe empaths as having sense on steroids.I say that because although they feel more, I consider it a strength in a person.
Those with empathic traits will walk into a room and immediately sense the vibe. They’re people watchers, on the lookout for signs that all is well, or all is falling apart.
They feel deeper. They think deeper. They want to help others. They ooze compassion and kindness, and yes, sometimes they overly people-please.
I believe it’s because of their innate desire to want to be liked and work out what people want from them.
And yes, that is the perfect storm of traits for any narcissist to take advantage of.
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It’s why the likely dynamic of any relationship with a successful narcissist (for the narcissist), is to find and seek out an empath.
It’s not so good news for the empath.
Narcissism?…
We will all agree: the complete opposite of an empath!
Narcissists don’t know the first thing about caring or concern for others.
They are:
- Full of their own self-importance.
- Think they’re always right.
- Never listen to advice.
- Hate to be seen as weak.
- Believe their own hype.
- Always want to impress.
- Need constant validation.
- Are secretly lonely and full of self-loathing.
- Rage, manipulate, control and ruin the lives of those they cross.
I’m clearly talking about two different kinds of people here, aren’t I?
So how can a narcissist, somebody so selfish and toxic, fake empathy?
They Mirror You
When you were a baby, your parents would have provided you with visual actions to copy.
Walking, standing, eating, facial expressions, washing yourself, brushing your teeth, etc.
You learned through mirroring their actions, and that’s what narcissists love to do when it comes to faking empathy – they copy you.
They watch you closely, and listen to what you say. How do you make it better? How is your body language? What do you offer in terms of comfort or reassurance? How is your tone of voice?
The list goes on, but the narcissist absorbs you like a sponge, and they execute what they learn with others to perfection.
They Fake It When They Need To
If all else fails – fake it!
It works for some of the time in life, as long as you aren’t harming anybody. We all fake feeling okay when we all want to crawl under a blanket with our favorite book.
This isn’t that.
This is toxic.
The way narcissists fake empathy is by reading the room. They’re brilliant at it.
How are people feeling? What’s the general vibe? What about the reactions of those around me?
In real time, they’re adding it all up to how they should act.
What do I need to do here?
What do people need from me?
How can I use this moment to shine?
How can I prove and cement with others that I am a kind and caring person?
It’s an act, and I know it’s the kind of act worthy of a Golden Globe.
This fakery has a detrimental effect on you too, and that’s where you as a victim of narcissistic abuse can struggle.
How is anybody going to believe that this person is toxic all the while they’re crying along with everybody else?
How can I make people see the real person behind this rehearsed and acted compassion?
Of course, they will drop the empathy as soon as they leave that environment, but that’s only for you to see.
3 Steps To See Through The Fakery
I can offer you some empowerment within these 3 crucial steps to see through their fakery.
This is about putting yourself first, and if it means you have to step up and keep your eyes wide open to it, then so be it.
#1 Notice Them
Noticing them is a huge part of seeing through them. Once you understand a person is a narcissist, there’s no going back.
There is just too much to unsee, and unfortunately, you have to be prepared for that because your whole world will change.
Often, it will feel like opening a can of worms. You remember one time they faked empathy, and you will suddenly remember five more times. Then five more.
Notice their behavior, and cement that it is narcissism.
From that point on, you have the upper hand for your own wellbeing.
#2 Document Everything
It seems a long winded way to go about things, but documenting what happens to you will really help you.
When the narcissist is trying to gaslight you for the hundredth time that week, you will have the facts down on paper, and the days and times those facts occurred.
Any signs of fake empathy, or an attempt from them to try to look like the caring person they are under that monster persona, you will have it right there.
As a side note, documenting how they treat you is also great and can be used as evidence if you ever need it.
#3 Patterns
Patterns! The very thing narcissists assume we don’t notice, yet are always there.
When you start to piece together the narcissistic puzzle, it will give you the chance to get a step ahead of them.
Soon when they are given the opportunity to offer empathy, you will know what’s coming.
I think that’s something all people dealing with narcissists need more of – predictability.
It can come from:
- Being aware of patterns of behavior
- Understanding how narcissists respond to sadness in certain people
- Watching narcissists in private vs. being in public
- Understanding family/friendship/work dynamics. This helps understand who they’re trying to impress, and who they’re trying to avoid
You can be your own detective – and it will make all the difference.
Trusting Your Gut
The gut is always underrated when it comes to intuition. Too often, people get lost in their heads, and they try to unblock the mental clutter.
The gut is where intuition lies, so what’s going on underneath all the noise?
That’s where you will find your answers, and how you can sniff out the fake empathy in a heartbeat.
