Sometimes it starts with an argument, an off-handed comment in front of a mutual friend, or maybe just forgetting to do something your partner asked of you.
They’re minor slights that most couples work through by having a dialogue and understanding each other’s feelings.
Narcissists have a completely different playbook though. They use the Narcissist silent treatment, sometimes with no end in sight.
We typically think of narcissists as gregarious, full of themselves, and always the center of attention.
Tell that to their partners though and you’ll get a story of how they clammed up days or even weeks at a time. So why would an attention seeker suddenly go silent?
Why Do Narcissists Suddenly Go Silent?
As with most things pertaining to narcissism, it boils down to control. When a narcissist goes quiet, their partner questions what they might have done to cause offense.
More often than not it’s that something shattered the narcissist’s grandiose vision of themselves.
It might be something you said or did, or it may be completely unrelated to you and the narcissist is just taking out their rage on those closest to them.
Narcissistic rage and the silent treatment frequently accompany one another; the silence puts them back in a position of control.
By remaining silent, the narcissist doesn’t need to explain themselves, work through problems, or see your side of the conflict.
You’re forced to do all the emotional heavy lifting, racking your brain as to why they’re upset and what you can do to fix it.
While you’re pondering that, it’s unlikely that you’ll notice that the narcissist was at fault in the first place and should be apologizing to you.
Is the Narcissistic Silent Treatment Manipulation?
it can easily be mistaken for anger; every once in a while we all get too upset to work through our problems in the moment.
We need time to cool off, let our rational brain takeover, and be ready to compromise with our partners.
This is what happens in a healthy relationship, with both sides taking the time they need before returning to the table and coming to a resolution.
It is nothing of the sort – the narcissist fully expects you to be the one to apologize, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
For narcissists, they use the silent treatment as a form of manipulation.
They’ll refuse to communicate for days, weeks, or even months. However, at no time will they explain their actions because the goal is to get you to apologize first and offer subservience to get back into their good graces.
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As such, narcissistic injury and going silent go hand in hand; when the narcissist’s ego is threatened by criticism.
They will go silent until the person that criticized them shows contrition and goes back to boost their ego. Never mistake it as a display of emotion – it’s always manipulation.
Being on the receiving end of it is akin to being ostracized, which has been shown to have far-reaching negative effects on a person’s psyche.
It can make a person feel like they have no control over their life, emotions, or behavior. This is the goal of the narcissist, to have their partner dependent on them for happiness.
Why is the Silent Treatment so Effective?
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you know how hurtful their words can be.
Whether it’s insults, sarcastic comments, lying, or emotional blackmail, the verbal abuses can feel endless.
So it might seem like something of a break to have peace and quiet in the relationship. Unfortunately, this type of silence will feel anything but peaceful.
For starters, narcissists often pull people into relationships with them by showering them affection, which is sometimes referred to as love bombing.
They build up their victims, making them feel special, and telling them that they’re responsible for the narcissist’s newfound happiness.
When the narcissist engages in the silent treatment, that all gets turned on its head and the victim feels like they are 100% responsible for the narcissist’s sadness or anger.
Additionally, humans naturally want to feel loved and “seen” by their partner.
They want to be acknowledged in a world where we often feel like little cogs in a big machine. When the person closest to us turns their back and shuts their mouth, it can feel like we don’t matter to anyone.
This is the narcissist’s goal, to make their victim feel like the only way they can pull themselves from this darkness is by making the narcissist “love” them again.
Their “love” is conditional and can only be regained by submitting absolutely to them.
In many cases, this is the only type of relationship the narcissist knows. Many grew up in homes where love was conditional and used to exert power.
Every relationship, and every interaction within the relationship is a game to be won. For them to win, they need you to break first, to come to the table asking for forgiveness.
They know that their victims can’t stand the silence as long as they can.
How Long Do Narcissists Give the Silent Treatment?
The short answer is that it varies depending on what caused the silence and what the narcissist hopes to gain from it.
If it originated from a minor strike against their ego, the silence may only last a few hours – just long enough for you to see how awful it can feel when the narcissist stops communicating with you.
For larger slights or when there’s a pattern of using silence as a weapon, you could be looking at days or weeks.
What most want to know though is do narcissists come back after they went silent and what prompts it?
Some people experience a much longer period of pseudo-silence from their partner though.
The narcissist might communicate about basic necessities: finances, issues related to child-rearing, or what to buy at the grocery store, but there’s no emotion connected to their words.
This type of silence can go on for several months and is utterly destructive to their partners sense of self worth. It feels like you don’t have a partner.
So do narcissists come back after several months of going silent? Usually not. This form of emotional abuse is less likely to be about manipulation and more to do with an upcoming discard.
The narcissist was slighted in some way, but they no longer see a use for you and they’ve likely found another source for their narcissistic supply. If they do come back, it will only be temporarily and just to wring the last bit of supply from you.
What Happens When you Don’t Reach Out During the Narcissist Periods of Silent Treatment?
You’ve been given the silent treatment once or twice now and seen how it progresses: you apologize, you make concessions, and you end up feeling controlled.
The solution? Perhaps you could just ignore their emotional abuse? Treat them like a child acting out and disregard their behavior until it stops. Unfortunately, it’s not quite that simple.
Narcissists depend on supply and that usually takes the form of compliments and affirmation of the delusional image they have of themselves.
However, supply can also take the form of subservience and feeling feared. They know you’ll do anything to end the it and stop it from happening in the future, no matter the cost.
When you refuse to acknowledge the narcissist’s behavior they tend to lash out in other ways like:
- Belittling you
- Expressing rage
- Provoking guilt
- Turning friends against you
- Gaslighting
They’re unlikely to give up until you’re groveling before them and asking for forgiveness. If silence isn’t enough to accomplish that, they’ll simply find another way.
What Happens When You Give a Narcissist the Silent Treatment?
If you’ve been previously hurt by a narcissist, you might be tempted to turn their tactics on them.
As your mother probably told you though: two wrongs don’t make a right, and that’s doubly true when you’re dealing with a narcissist.
First, ask yourself why you are using their toolset of emotional abuse? Are you trying to hurt the narcissist or hope they’ll come back to apologize? If it’s the former, their hurt will be short-lived.
They’ll almost immediately fall back on ego-defense mechanisms, perhaps by lashing out and manipulating your mutual friends, painting you as the aggressor.
You’ll be equally disappointed if you’re looking for an apology as narcissists rarely admit guilt or show remorse (and mean it).
It is never a healthy method for dealing with conflict. Whether you use it on someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or someone without, the results are sure to be disastrous.
How to Deal with the Narcissist Silent Treatment?
So how do you respond to the narcissist’s silent treatment without giving them the cold shoulder?
It depends on where you’re at in the relationship and what kind of resolution you’re hoping for.
1. If you’ve legitimately done something wrong, apologize for it.
Make it clear that you regret your actions and would like to talk about the issue further.
No matter what you did though, the silent treatment is not an acceptable response. Don’t internalize the guilt that the narcissist will inflict upon you.
Don’t allow the narcissist to control you through the apology. An apology is about love, not power.
2. Give them the chance to make up in a healthy way
Some people just don’t have the emotional tools to deal with upsetting situations and the silent treatment could be a manifestation of their fear.
Let them know that you care about them and want to understand what’s troubling them.
Another option is to let the narcissist know that them being silent is not a responsible way to deal with their pain.
Calmly explain that you’re willing to talk and make compromises if necessary, but that staying silent will get them nowhere.
3. It is often just one component in a pattern of emotional abuse
Tell the narcissist that their silence is an unacceptable way of dealing with conflict and that you will exit the relationship if it continues.
Narcissistic discard and the silent treatment are commonly associated though, so don’t be surprised if the narcissist reacts angrily and breaks it off with you first.
Chances are this won’t be permanent and the break up is just a way for them to gain the upper hand. In that case, do not initiate contact or respond to the narcissist. Walk away and don’t look back.
4. Lastly, you can ignore the narcissist’s silence, though this isn’t likely to turn out in your favor
Narcissists have many tools for getting their way and if silence is ineffective they will use a different one.
Fortunately, this will confirm the type of person that you’re dealing with and can help you understand the importance of distancing yourself from the narcissist.
Final Thoughts
Being on the receiving end of the silent treatment can be an incredibly painful experience. You’re left questioning yourself, what you did wrong and what to do when the narcissist ignores you.
Remember that it’s not your fault, even if you did something to provoke their narcissistic rage. Their unhealthy reaction is their problem and you can’t always fix it.
Letting them know that you care to mend the relationship while setting boundaries is the best way to keep the peace and your sanity if you’re to stay with the narcissist.
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Hi Alexander, I have read a number of your articles and they all describe my husband’s behaviour accurately. For a long time I’ve been bewildered by his behaviour, from the very beginning of our relationship actually, 5 yrs ago. After a lot of reading and research I discovered he most probably had NPD and that allowed me to put a name and a reason to the things he did. Before knowing why I tried so hard to please him and when we spoke about our ‘problems’ he even gave me suggestions as to how I could please him, including sexually. Imagine my dismay when I followed his suggestions to the letter and still got nowhere with him and even was accused of not making any efforts at all. I discovered he watched porn a lot and was very deceitful in covering up just how much he did watch. Your comments in your article about relationships and sex very accurately described what he was doing to me. What I’m wondering though, you say not to play the game, not to catch the ball they are throwing. For a long time after reading a bit on how to deal with abusive behaviour authors say and I think you have also said to remove yourself from the situation saying that you have something to do etc, not just walk away or slam down the phone. What happens when I do that (probably obviously) is that enrages him even more, he follows me around harassing me, abusing me further or alternatively goes into a very long bout of silent treatment where he pointedly treats all around me with love and care, laughing and smiling. What should I do so as not to give him any power in the situation? What I currently do now I go about my daily business, working and doing whatever just keeping away from him. After a couple of days he will burst through my office door or bedroom door after I’ve gone to bed and say the most terrible, nasty, soul-destroying things to me, ending our relationship, talking about me as if I was leaving him and what he’s going to do after I’m gone. I have unfortunately reacted with such frustration with him standing at my door going for me I’ve lashed out at him and pushed him. I’ve also tried to punch him. He, whilst shocked I have attacked him, seems to revel in it, calling me crazy. I’ve gone to see a lawyer and gained some advice which I’m sure he hates. It seems that because I work from home and have my children who live with me from a former marriage I’m more entitled to stay in our house than he is and I can get a court order to remove him from the house if I want to. I have told him this and ever since he’s been trying (pretending) so hard not to cause any problems. He’s been ‘good’ for months now. Sam Vaknin in one of his videos says that if you can get the narcissist to be financially dependent upon you then you may be okay. Mine is financially dependent upon me. I am using the losing of the house and lawyers as leverage to keep him under control and so far it’s working. I shouldn’t have to live like this I know. Is there anything else I can do? I am pretty annoyed about the porn and his compulsive lying and sneaking about as well.
It will not get better. I spent 27 years trying to make it work. Run now while you still have your sanity! It took my health for me to finally say enough. I was crying and shaking a lot and knew if I didn’t get out I’d have a nervous breakdown.
I’m married to a narcissist and I had a nervous breakdown four years ago. It’s been 10 years of enduring this torture. They never change, it doesn’t get better no matter what you say or do. He even basically told me he didn’t care if I died as long as I didn’t drop dead in front of him because he doesn’t need to deal with that bs! He doesn’t even care about our childrens’ well being! Run for your life! Literally! There’s no way to co exist with these kind of people. I wasted so much time and money in this relationship! Save yourself please!
M.S.
I was living with an extreme narcissist for 8 years. I never knew when he was going to threaten to hit me and screem bad things to me, there was no pattern, even I watched every word I said sometimes he got mad at only one “wrong” word – I had to run away, close the door and then he wouldn’t talk to me for hours and sometimes for days. In between he could behave and we had a perfect sexlife – that’s why I stayed so long. Then I started to get messages from other women and I realized he had many relationsships going on – not only with me. I left him when he was abroad – I got help from friends and family. I’d rather be alone than in that sort of relationship again!
Yes! They will kill your soul. I’ve been with one for 13 years and it has damn near killed me. I gained over 100 lbs. Got diagnosed with Panic Disorder and now Diabetes. They will kill you if they can and I’m not referring to physically killing you. They are evil. At least now I can smell one a mile away and can run like hell the opposite way. Once you learn the signs, you will be amazed at how many narcissists we deal with on a daily basis. It’s scary.
Indeed, I don’t think I could of worded that better if I tried ‘They will kill you if they can ….
It took me about 8 months to really see the patterns. The one I was seeing adopted my lifestyle and micro managed doing so, started to pick my clothes and jewellery out before we left the house, initially I thought how nice to be this cared for. Warning that is about control!
The day came when in a difficulty at work, he told me ,’I thought what would …. do. Not what he would do, he couldn’t think for himself. I was just his mirror, the ego can easily be flattered by such attention especially if you have not had any training. Thank goodness I did.
My difficultly was in knowing I was a powerful person, but when another takes such tracks I bow out. The trick is knowing when and how to.
Later long after we had separated, my x was diagnosed so he reported with 5 counts of Narcissism disorder. I smiled and replied, well at least you don’t have all 7.
There is no logical way to communicate with the narcissist, everything is about them & I mean everything. They often appear extremely intelligent, and well formed cognitively.
Love will not heal or be enough in this type of relationship, a shock does help them & mine got that. Although I predicted the future and it all happened almost to the letter, he ended up confined, his freedom was removed. His health declined and he became the victim of himself. While I had nothing other than compassion, another part unattached to emotions clearly outlined the laws of the universe, ‘What goes around does comes around’.
I once felt a great love, that love also clouds our judgment to see and think clearly. I refused to be his victim, although for several years I was just that due to my emotional energetic connection, and believe me these types are master vampires. They are the octopus with tentacles that suck you in and bury themselves in your veins, slowly feeding away.
Unhooking is extremely difficult when children are involved, your own self-love needs to be strong, stronger than you have ever been, especially when your children are at risk for many reasons. I write that because you have an addiction to the narcissist, they train you to need what little fix they will supply you with, that is usually just enough before they switch you off again.
My suggestion, seek out a psychotherapist or psychologist, & leave the narcissist as soon as you can, break all contact unless you are very mentally strong, and have some training in the psychological field.
Lastly, it will NOT work, they will “NEVER” change, send them light & move on.
Love you and Love yourself enough to say NO MORE! I did 🙂
I did have a nervous breakdown two years into our marriage. Now he has left and it would be five years married on Nov 14. I am trying to be strong so I don’t take him back. He plays constant mind games. At times I really thought I was crazy. I take one day at a time, waiting to see what he has in store for me next. I know he is not done hurting me. I am contemplating moving out of state. We are separated but I know he will never divorce me until he finds another person to literary drain the love, trust, kindness, caring and probably life. I was very sick for months at a time. I was even rushed to the hospital unresponsive, stopped breathing. As my son was doing CPR and screamed to call 911. My husband was getting ready for work. My Mom lives close by, she called 911. He never did. I was outside by my hot tub reading late at night. My Mom noticed that The front light was on and found me unresponsive, not breathing. When I got to the hospital they couldn’t find any type of drugs in my body but they said it was accidental inhalation poisoning. My narcissistic husband was mad because he was 30 minutes late for work and he yelled at me. He said what did you do to yourself now, your obviously alive and you made me late for work. I’m smart and many say I’m both beautiful on the outside and the inside. Why didn’t I make him leave then. I was so confused by his reaction that I tried to blame myself somehow. Two years earlier I needed to put orange antifreeze to top off for the winter. I didn’t use the whole bottle but I was afraid so I put the rest in the garbage. I always drank orange crystal light. I used to make it in a large container. I started vomiting for six months every single day. I thought it was stress. I went into our basement and hidden was the bottle of orange antifreeze. I was always sick to my stomach always vomiting many times a day. I just thought it was stress. I started buying single packet orange crystal light and the symptoms lessened. Then I couldn’t feel my legs, feet and right hand. I couldn’t walk for about six months without crutches. I had broken one and sprain the other foot. Because there was no feeling except for the pain. He then had no mersy for me. I still have problems walking. And using my hands. I’m only 42. I am so afraid of my husband. Yet I’m so confused. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. How could I not hate someone like this. I sound like a nut case I know. He has emotionally abused me the day after our wedding. No honeymoon, welcome to my expectations! So I have been with him six and a half years. Cheating, and all of the other things like my life and I still can’t make him go away. I have changed the locks and the alarm code but getting a NCO would probably be a death sentence for me.
You really need to divorce him. You have every reason to. I’m not planning on dealing with mine anymore. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine.
We’re the victims not them. Please do yourself a huge favor and run while you can. Your life depends on it!
I was married for 28 years. The last 10 years I had terrible migraine headaches with lots of vomiting a couple times per week. It was difficult to hold down a job when so sick but I did it anyway. Finally, youngest graduated from high school and I filed for divorce. It has been little over 15 years on my own AND, it has been 15 years since I have vomited or even had a headache.(wow?) A few years after the divorce an insurance agency contacted me about payments not being made on some life insurance. I didn’t know about the policy at all. So, my conclusion is that I got out just in time before something really bad happened to me. I’m now 65 years old and happy to be single. If things seem odd. . . get out, fast.
Yes, these men do kill. Some in dramatic violent ways and others by “pulling the plug” if you are hospitalized, motor vehicle “accidents” and staged suicides.
This is absolutely NOT a gender-based issue, females are narcissistic every bit as often as men, if not more often, there is a hypocritical double standard that exists. They can be malicious, mendacious, verbally and physically abusive, all unprovoked, and with no empathy or compassion. The moment you stop placating them and telling them what their twisted mind wants to hear. I know from experience having had relationships with professional models and actresses who have worked in film, and television and been in magazines and on the covers.
GET. OUT. NOW! Your husband is pure evil.
Please take any possible action now to legally secure all financial items, mortgages, bank statements, living expenses, etc.,…
I believed that if I controlled the finances, that I would be able to stabilize his financial recklessness AND negotiate with him an equitable financial settlement.
He actually only toyed with me, then humiliated me, for two years – In the end, he closed all bank accounts, charged me with banking fraud for withdrawing money from a joint account, he foreclosed my home, and I have now drained 40% of my retirement assets paying living expenses and essential bills –
He plays victim, accused ME of “financial betrayal” although he had pleaded with me to transition into retirement so that he could “gift” me with time for several lifelong goals I had always set aside to care for family bad marriage.
He moved to a new home with his new partner – a woman with whom he was having a sexual affair WHILE he withdrew $30,000.00 on cash for treatment centers for sex addiction. And I have now been told by two attorneys that he has no obligation to provide financial restitution.
Once your partner has established another relationship, he will simply leave and any belief you had about “control” will also be shattered.
Move funds to protected savings, get a post-nuptial at the very least – a legally binding post-nuptial.
TRUST nothing he says and nothing he does…. Nothing.
You do realise this is not a healthy environment for your kids? THAT was what made me leave. Get rid of him before you damage them too.
Why on earth are you keeping him around? Not meaning to sound cheeky, but from what you’ve said, you come across as ,liking being in control of him too. That’s not good and you need to break this cycle before it’s too late.
I was in it for 10 years then someone else for 8 though that was harder to detect at first.
I’m out and despite a couple of hiccups where I was tempted to try and reconnect, I’m now free and happy as are my kids.
Do it!
i left to save my kids. it did not stop him. he played victim to our small children. they are adults.now. i divorced him thirty years ago. he still plays victim and im to blame. now my kids give me the silent treatment anytime their father has any issue?! they do not know he doesnt care about their lives. he never did. he still talks babytalk to them. he never bought a gallon of milk! but he went to hawaii three times a year..i didnt enforce a support order. they were dealing with enough! i wont be abused by my kids. they lose. all the way around. i am leaving the state this year. they still b treading water but they wont drown. if i stay he will take them under water with him he is sick. we all are ill in some form because they dont quit!
Leave him now/throw him out – and don’t even consider making him a father!
Leave him/throw him out now – put your children’s welfare first: their protection from his head games is your responsibility and should be your priority – and don’t even consider making him a father!
RUN, run, run. . . In your case throw him out, keep the house and for the sake of your children and your sanity get out of this relationship. I spent 10 years with someone like your spouse, it doesn’t get better. I still have emotional scars from that relationship and as a damaged person I then went on to a relationship that was physically abusive. I was not a whole person and the emotional abuse was worse than the physical one. Get out while you can !
just get rid of him havent you enough already?
It is not that easy Hun ! She has been brainwashed and mind manipulated..she needs time to figure it out in her own mind what happened and move through the stages of healing at her own pace ! It takes a very LONG time and one might still gave bad days after wards…the say 12- 24 months or more to heal…..your words to her are kind of lack misunderstanding and empathy on your part ! Right now she don’t need these kinds of comments ! When I read your words I could almost hear my ex NPD saying that to me sarcastically as if I was small and inferiors in his eyes…or as if I was making mountain our of molehills …! But after what we go through with these crazy people it feels more than a mountain to overcome !
I completely understand this. I am going through it now with a narcissist that is a master manipulator. The very few people that I have trusted to confide in say the same thing. “Why don’t you just end it, move, or leave the relationship?” They have not gone through the hell that I currently am living! Every time I get the courage and save up to run away, something always happens or he goes into one of his acusatory rages! I sometimes don’t even know who I am anymore. Sticking up for myself is exhausting and pointless. Ignoring him is worse. My son has watched this man destroy me for 5 years. He has gone as far as trying to turn my child against me with bribery. I am scared every day of what he is going to say or do next. The constant insults, the way only he can change the rules, the Jekyll and Hyde persona, and everything else that goes along with being involved with a narcissist makes you fade into something dark and dead feeling. It really sucks. And getting away is both hard and dangerous.
No one-unless they have been in this kind of relationship understands or comprehends what it’s like to be treated this way. It’s so easy for the outside person to say–you know it’s happening, you’re not a stupid person, so just leave, walk away and don’t return. But living with a master manipulator isn’t that easy to walk away from. They constantly draw you back in, they do everything they can to ruin any relationship you might have, whether its a new bf, your kids, your family, they thrive on it. They threaten and threaten to the point that your so emotionally upset and shake all the time. No matter how much you try and ignore them, they still find a way to contact you, blocking their calls, sending you fake emails, having their friends contact you, etc. So many people have said, get a restraining order on him. And my reply is, a RO is just a piece of paper, it doesn’t mean a thing to an abuser. Mine has told me many times, get a RO, he has nothing to lose by going to jail and doesn’t care, and when he gets out of jail, he will make my life even more miserable. So what’s the point? I just keep hoping and praying each day that this will end. Mine ex is even living with a new girl and still continues to contact me and sad thing is, his new gf knows it and still continues to stay with him for whatever stupid reason.
I have been on this “HELL” of a ride for 12 years. It is So Hard to not only deal with your narcissistic partner but, to also realize you don’t know who you are anymore and hate the woman that you’ve become. Looking back at the years of pain and realizing how damaged, broken and dependent you now are is crippling. Trying to figure a way out while putting the fragments left of yourself seems impossible. Your confidence, self esteem, self worth are gone. Friends and family don’t really understand the nightmare you live, the constant tiptoeing on eggshells everyday, watching every word you say, everything you do. Seeing the smarmy smiles and affection given to all he meets to be met with snide comments or the dreaded silence for months at a time. The threats, the ultimatums, the conditions given, the boundaries set by the man you once loved and trusted. The man you thought loved you with every fiber in him only to find out later he wasn’t real, it was an Oscar winning performance, one that you fell for and feel like a fool. Thank you all for your input on this site, thank you for letting me and, others know we’re not alone in this nightmare. I hope we all get out to have “normal” healthy lives.
SO TRUE! Well said!
Gail’s right… it’s 29 years for me now ” everything he owns in a box to the left”????…. Talk to The Lord about it all. He will help… He’s the one to trust????
This article is so accurate and helpful as my partner does the silent and walking away treatment everytime I have an opinion…it Don’t even get to a row before he walks out and don’t contact me for weeks…..in which time he’s even been with other women….by reading this it helps to realise it’s not me with a problem it’s him…reading this makes me feel better and have the strength to stay away and try to gain some self worth back..thank you
My parents and siblings cut me out for a past time and it`s like some kind of torture. The crime I have commited to be eligible for their treatment is that I`ve learnt to have my own opinions and have gained a `voice` which is not the same as theirs. My family hate nothing more than people who are different from them. The description that fits them best is that they behave like a `cult`, our way or the highway attitude. My father is a dictator and has a reputation for cutting out people left, right and centre to regain his control of them. To date my father hasn`t spoken to me for 16 months, my mother 12 months, my brother 24 months and my sister 14 years!. They have also cut out various relatives along the way and periodically cut eachother out when a difference of opinion is given, they love playing the blame game and numerous other head numbing techniques. They are never wrong, never sorry and do not possess an ounce of empathy between the four of them. Sometimes I get very sad about my situation, today was one of those days and I could have cried all day, had it not been for my wonderful, kind Godmother who came to see me. Life goes on and I have two daughters of my own and a husband to look after. My blood family behave like a nest of vipers and I don`t want my own children being involved in or having to witness their weird, psycho behaviour. I never thought this would happen to me, I am shocked and apalled that my so called family of birth could be so downright vindictive and awful, verging on demonic. One day I hope to be free of them for good and for all. If I could have a lobotomy to remove them I would. Any thoughts on healing or anything else would be greatly appreciated. Empowerment grows through knowledge and knowledge is gained through others opinions and advice. Thanks in advance.
Eva,
We must twins separated at birth! I have the same family, the same circumstances, almost the same time frame of “silent treatment” for the exact same reasons. I have seriously considered moving to another country with the hope that I never have to see any of them again!
Michelle,
thankyou for your reply. It`s reasurring to know that their are others out there who have suffered and are suffering the same fate. However the time has now come to let go. Ultimately I know that there will be times when I feel dreadfully sad and struggle with the abuse I have received. But most importantly it is time to move on with life………..do you have any thoughts or ideas on healing and finding the best way forward? As always I am interested in hearing how others have managed to move on. Thanks.
I signed up for Abandoned Parents of Adult children recently. After 10 years of a relationship like you described, then moving on to 6 year physically abusive relationship, all while protecting and raising my 3 children who did not understand what I was going through. I managed to finish raising them through college (all have degrees) and I was proud of the sacrifices that I had made for them when I put the pieces of my life together and managed to nurture them through their growing up years. Then the unspeakable blow happened. They re-connected themselves to their father and my abuser and formed relationships which slowly shut me out. I used to beg them to come see me but in 16 years (each) of their marriages they have visited me 3 times. Sometimes for a couple of hours on their way to spend a week with their father. I finally just said “enough” . I am done. I am still in the process of moving on.
Wow! Guess I’m not the only one suffering with a bunch of narcs in my family! I must be the triplet!
What a bunch of malignant narcissists they really are!
Some people love negativity.
Are these adults or 8 year olds. One year may be one thing, but 14? People like that can’t have real love for anybody their too uptight and obviously plain nuts. Your lucky you don’t have to be around that energy anyway. I know the type, they’re usually very judgmental and critical people about everything and everybody right? Usually criticism of some kind dominates about 60% of their daily conversation. My sister has done the same to me, out of the blue. I did nothing personally to her, she just doesn’t like me. She was never apart of my life anyway so what’s the difference. Am I gonna miss something that was never there much? probably not. So, if she thinks she’s punishing me, ha. You are valuable Eva, and just as intelligent as anybody else, don’t let strange people drag you down! Many of us out here know what your talking about, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but your family is full of shit and are not loving people.
Michelle and Eva …. it’s amazing how much power they THINK they have, but how little power they ACTUALLY have. All bluster. Horribly painful, tho! I also grew up in a viper pit; narcissistic and abusive mom, alcoholic and abusive father, narcissistic drama queen prima donna sister. The parents are dead (hope their rebirth is more gentle for them both) and the sister is doing the silent treatment in a passive aggressive way when I need her response to settle an estate. My attorney told me to let her know that on such-and-such a decision, if I don’t hear from her by such-and-such a date, I will presume agreement. It cuts right through her narc passive-aggressiveness, and I can get this work done. She thinks she’s punishing me, but I am soooo relieved to have finally pulled the plug on her!
Sadly my daughter grew up to be just like her narc gran and aunt . My biggest mistake was spending my life trying to appease, please and placate my mother and sister . I tried to make it work but in the end I let it go and when I did not placate as normal I was cut off. It is sad but I have finally found peace in my life and have a truly loving circle of family and friends who supported me along the way. I would never invite my mother, sister or daughter back into my life ,unless of course they would be willing to go through family counseling but being narcs that isn’t likely 😉
I’m getting a good solid dose of the silent treatment at the moment from my vicious narcissist of a father. He’d been bubbling up for a row for some weeks, wasn’t getting enough fawning adoration I guess. I’m too old and exhausted to be his constant supply, and I’ve managed to scrape together enough self-respect recently to not let him walk all over me and manipulate me constantly.
I’d already read about NPD, but never seen it painted in the extreme way sites like this do. Quite helpful to find all this after being subjected to one of his more extreme gaslighting rages when I, at that point, was together, secure and sobre and able to come away in no doubt that it was all about him, and probably unsaveable. I agonised over my kids, and what the impact of him being (or not being) in their lives would be, as well as the impact on the wider family.
So I’m quite settled now to let “The Silent Treatment” evolve into “No Contact”, with presumably some stroppy and unpleasant interaction to be played out in the future. I see no point in making an effort to explain how I’m feeling, or what my reasons are. He’ll not recognise or take responsibility, and I believe now there’s no chance of him changing to a point where he could.
I know this was an article about The Silent Treatment, and a strikingly insightful one from my perspective, I am curious whether I might be missing something in using it as the spring board to go No Contact … ?
Ken,
the point you`ve raised about the silent treatment becoming a springboard to no contact is a very valid point and not one that I`d considered until now. My parents are also incapable of taking any responsibility and either blame me or any one of my relatives for their problems. Still it`s very sad and there are times when I really miss elements of my Mum. It seems to me that narcissists cannot stand anyone having a voice that`s different from theirs. My parents became so controlling that they had started to insist that my husband and I should get the same type of dog as them (it was a lurcher), eat the same food as them, listen to the same music, have identical political views, get the same vehicle, and socialise only with people they deemed we socialise with! Crazy stuff.
Their lurcher by the way killed my brothers` cat and when confronted with this, they said it was the cats fault and it shouldn`t have been where it was! Therefore taking no responsibility for their dogs behaviour. They offered NO aplogy to either my brother or his wife and quibbled over the vets bill to have the cat put out of its` misery. My father also made it clear that this incident should never be talked about again. In fact it was my brother who told me what had happened not them (denial).
Anyway as adult children of these monters we all have so many awful stories to tell. Good luck.
Eva, I can totally relate. It’s so hurtful and sad. This upcoming September will be 3 years since I’ve seen my mother and siblings. I still have really bad days, and I don’t think there’s an easy cure for this. My guess is that it will just take time. It’s beyond me how blood family can turn their backs and never look back. I just keep reminding myself that it’s their loss and not mine, but still…
Blessings
I live in the UK and there doesn`t seem to be any kind of support group for people like me. I think narcissism is a highly acknowleged problem in the USA but not her, as of yet.
However this website has really helped me. It is all too easy to think that you`re the only person who has been ostracised by their family. So to come across this has been really helpful.
I would like to have it out with my parents before they get too old and die. However I just don`t think they will ever, ever take responsibility and it would open up old wounds and make me even sadder. Narcissists are a flaming nightmare………..keep running.
Understand that …
The argument goes round and round in my head, the violence, the threats, the controlling behaviour all the way through my life, and then the refusal to accept any responsibility for anything.
I wonder if the desire to confront, the idea that expressing your anger will lead somewhere, is just a facet of the manipulation? We both know the probable outcome …. denial, reversal, gaslighting just to make us more frustrated than we were before. Ultimately, all that happened, was we got sucked back in to the crazy whirlwind for another punishment for disloyalty.
Also in the UK, although I just don’t know groups would be that helpful to me. The concept of “emotional abuse” is only beginning its journey to common understanding here.
This is a post from a woman who blogs about dealing with Narcissists that I find very insightful
When we unravel the puzzles of our life story, it usually takes a while for each piece to find its place. Sometimes we see the pieces and where they fit, but it takes a while longer for us to be ready to accept the pieces and their places. Then another period of time for us to accept what that means, and the different elements connected to the meaning it has for us.
It’s not that you haven’t ‘conquered that demon’, you did and have, this is just the next step in the process of self-evolution and healing, and ‘demon conquering’. Each time we ‘conquer a demon’ we get an opportunity to face it again, to see our progress and to see what needs more work on our part. Then we do a bit more conquering, and we get another opportunity to see our progress at work, hands on, and to see how far we’ve come, and maybe the path ahead too. So you’re not ‘stuck’ where you were before, you’ve leveled-up and you’re facing the next stage of the challenge which will lead you to the next level. Things move in a spiral, not a flat circle, even if they seem to just be a flat circle.
She goes on to say – When a scenario involves other people who have a different criteria for what is right and wrong, then we can get caught in trying to impose our view of right and wrong on them, and they may do the same with us. We usually end up in a stalemate, Usually when I get into a stalemate where I am being hurt by how I think other people should act or be with regards to me, I tend to ask myself if they are doing the same with me – which is often the case. They’re stuck trying to get me to be who they need me to be for them and refuse to accept me as I am, and this hurts them. Then I ask myself, why I am using this person to hurt myself? And – what do I want from them? Can I give it to myself? Am I withholding it from myself and expecting someone else to give it to me? If I don’t give it to myself, why would I expect anyone else to give it to me?
Silent Treatment is the worst form of abuse. I am experiencing it now with a coworker who i use to date( useful tip never date where you work) Huge lesson learned by the way. But he has found a way to create a FORM of serious control technique by being completely SILENT” Ive never experienced this with anyone Ive ever dated before.. its quite sad to watch. Also, I feel like crap sometimes because we are on the same exact team and could be sitting right in front of each other but he wont acknowledge me or my presence. As if I am a piece of GARBAGE. For all of you experiencing this kind of treatment please remember its not YOU its them. All I do now is just pray for him and pick up my self esteem, my self worth, and realize I know GOD and he wont deceive me or be silent towards me NO MATTER WHAT….
Wow did I ever need to read your comment right now. I’m experiencing this with a male that I did not yet begin dating but was getting close to at work. Seeing that others are feeling like they too are having to ‘pick up’ their self esteem, self worth, and just strengthen their trust in God helps. The difficulty I have is that this person was so vulnerable and trusting with me which is something that they just do not do. I was not vulnerable with them at all. Unfortunately once I even started to get vulnerable with them even a small amount – I’m getting the silent treatment. It is the absolute worst thing to deal with.
Great read! It’s nice to read the comments and know that I am not alone. My parent’s have Npd they both manipulate, exploit and blame everyone but themselves. At the momment my mother is giving me the silent treatment she has done this my whole life I remember being as young as 5 and woundering “why is mommy not speaking to me at all this week?” I walked on egg shells trying so hard to get their love My mom gave me the silent treatment for 3 months after I bought my wedding dress because she was mad that my mother in law was invited she refused to go wedding dress shopping and ingnored me for that whole time and now I am 30 dealing with the same crap! My poor husband has had the same abuse from them too. We have put our foot down with lots of boundries but we are at the point were No contact is sounding great especially for our little girl’sake. I feel like I have spend to many days tolerating my parent’s abuse the tuff thing though is that my parent’s are CRAZY so if I do no contact I am really afraid of the huge tantrum they will have it could be to the point that I have to call law enforcement.
Well I can relate to so much too. It’s comforting to know it’s not just happening to me but at the same time rather scary too that there’s so many people suffering because of Narcassism.
It’s a good way to feel better reading about it. As being the victim you go backwards and forwards with feeling low and questioning yourself as to why it is the way it is.
Thank you and good luck to you all. Not seeing these people is the only way to be free. It’s hard to get them out of your head from the years of torment but I feel free without my parents and sister in my life. They are poison.
Sam
Good luck people,
it`s a huge tragedy to learn that the people you thought you could always rely on, turn out to be narcissists. I really loved my parents so, so much and there are times when I am absolutely heartbroken by their emotional abuse of silence treatment. I am going to write my mother a letter nearer her birthday, telling her that I forgive her for her abuse and that I understand the deep wounds she had when she was a child. I shall probably get a shed load of more abuse blaming me yet again for all the familys problems………….for the record I used to be the golden girl until I found my voice (which they hated), I was never rude, just simply spoke the truth and stuck up for myself, but ultimately I was going against the family law ie, it`s our way or the highway. They are like some horrible cult, alien species who I have no connection with anymore. I don`t understand their jealousy, their rages, their lack of empathy, their complete inability to see anyone elses views or opinions. My parents have dumped so many people it`s ridiculous……….however I still feel sorry for them, their lives must be hell. I mean what a way to live………never wanting to make things better or compromise……..dreadful. I switch between deep anger and deep sadness and I am forever asking myself, why me?
Yeah my mother gave me the silent treatment for 5 years straight. She would return gifts and letters unopened, never answer the phone or respond is any way. Since I lived across the country, I had no way to contact her. After I while, I had to learn to live without her, and moved on with my life.
When she decided to reinitiate contact, her first questions was “Why haven’t you called me?”
Wow, describes my 27 year marriage! I have a question…if they give you the silent treatment is that confirmation that you are correct? My husband would go out to dinner with woman alone on business trips or site seeing and whenever I’d question him I got the silent treatment and told I was impugning his honor. When I’d find things on his computer that looked like he’d bee to a porn site, the same thing. He not only would ignore me but make sure I knew how much he loved everyone else in the room. He told me for all those years that I disrespected him because I questioned him.
Wow it’s so nice to find this and know I’m not the only one! I grew up with it like many of you and once I left home after coming of age and seeing what it is like to be around normal people I found my voice which none of them liked. If you don’t agree with any of them even on the tiniest issues there is hell to pay. Their silent treatment is what eventally set me me free because I used it as my excuse to make it no contact. I think that shocked them, in some sick way I think they thought I depended them and would grovel at their feet.
My life as a single person was great, I had a huge group of friend’s, did well at work etc. but sadly when it comes to relationships I seem to be drawn to NPD like a moth to a flame. I am currently married to a NPD and am going through a bout of silent treatment at the moment because I got up from the table to feed our 14 month old who was whining because he was watching us eat (my husband has banned him from the table because he wants to eat in peace). He said I disrespected him and that he wanted to teach our son that he isn’t welcome at the table anymore because he wouldn’t eat his dinner two nights prior (he’s 14 months not 14 years!).
I had a flat tire this evening which resulted in forced verbal communications with him. I was shocked that he responded and tried so hard to be as non-confortntational as possible. It led to an hour of basicly being told what an ungrateful witch I am and how so many women would love to have a man like him & how I don’t satisfy him sexually, or enjoy him fondeling me in public (I hate that, it makes me feel like property). I just sat there and took it, I know there is no point in arguing because he will always win and it will make me feel worse. It will not end I know until I apologise, admit that I have mental problems and promise to do better.
I don’t want a divorce (at least while I have an underage child because he is so manipulative and charming I am sure to lose custody and be made out to be the bad guy) but I do want to find a way to improve my situation and make it more bearable for me and my child. I guess I was so damaged growing up that I ended up picking out someone just like my parent’s and sisters, how sad. I thought I was smart enough to avoid a NPD I guess not, I should have stayed single.
The problem with this guy too, is that he must think everybody thinks the way he does or is doormat. Ha, Ha, I’m in my late 20s and I have never wanted a relationship. I don’t need it. I’ve never gone after it and I’ve never really responded to those who did try it. And I’m fairly attractive. I’m more introverted, but that doesn’t mean shy. It mean mentally preoccupied with other things. Like an Artist. I don’t miss it. I mean I don’t need people. Somebody like that has only met one type of person around him. He ain’t never been other types. He’d be at a loss if he did. He wouldn’t know what to think. I talk about big topics, like astro-theology, secret world societies, history. Things like that, people like your describing are not very centered mentally or emotionally. In all complete seriousness it’s better to be by yourself in life than have someone you don’t like around. Unless your bizarrely afraid of your own company. And you can have friends. People are like street cars, the ocean is full of them. And there all about as interesting as street cars, their a bunch of junk heads.
You don’t want a divorce??!! How bad does it have to get?? Please get out asap for your small childs sake, as well as your own. Your husbands NPD behaviour will only get worse, trust me. If you’re worried about custody, secretly record him saying/doing his abuse towards you & your child. Also if you can, try to get witnesses via friends/family, secretly watching/overhearing him etc. Be sneaky and set traps if necessary to do that. But be careful he does not find out. Then surely that will help you to prove that he is abusive, and thus likely you’ll gain full custody of your child.
Praying made everything happen good for me… 29 years married to a NPD HUSBAND! Praise God.. really!!! Now..peace????
Get a good lawyer!! Do you think it’s good for your child grow up watching his or her mother being treated like this, or worse your child recieving it?? GET OUT!! Is my humble suggestion
Who are these people? Aren’t our parents supposed to lift us up and not make us feel guilty for our actions/choices, feelings? Everything is great with my mom until I don’t act “right” according to her. Silent Mode. I ask her mommy, please don’t go into these silent modes, talk to me, let me know what’s up. She’s mad about stupid things, like if someone’s an asshole to me, and I tell them they’re a shithead and not to mess with me, she holds it against me forever! Like I have to beg for my mom’s forgiveness for being myself!!! Dad, can’t consistently be nice for more than 3 days. Always glaring, belittling, talking shit. So I am totally over this asshole. Silent treatment isn’t for him, it’s more I’ve cut him out, though I live with him. This has been constant with these two my entire life. My sister?? Narcissistic fuckhead who always talks down to me, snaps at me. She snaps at my mom and other people, yet they ignore it because she’s the golden bitch. I mean why respect those who constantly disrespect you! I have so much anger and want to grieve and heal. It’s so cruel. They are emotionally unstable therefore I cannot seek my validation and love through people who never take accountability and make me their scapegoat. It hurts to my core, but I’m sick of trying to make things right with us, when they are constantly fucking with me. 32yrs with these people. My mom tried to work on herself, but really go right back, because they don’t care.
Continuation: My dad comes home drunk, my mom gets angry, but talks to him like everything is ok the next few minutes later. With me? Grudge Central. There is no love, and I told her it makes me feel bad when she ignores me. She says give her time. How much time? Last time 21 days? Fuck that, I am not waiting around for her to love me anymore. She later will say, don’t ever question my love for you, I always love you. Yea mom, I definitely feel it!
You sound like I sounded a couple of years ago. Narcissists are very good at upping the silence treatment to reflect their displeasure in you. My parents initially dished out a couple of weeks here and a couple of weeks there (designed to bring me back into line). When I still didn`t conform they tried months and now they haven`t spoken to me for 18 months, we`re heading for years. I know it hurts, I know you`re heart is breaking, I know you miss elements of your family. But believe me the only way to deal with these people is to get out of their game. Love is unconditional. Narcissists DO NOT give unconditional love…………The best and only advice I can give you is to be strong, be your own person, be proud of who you are becoming and don`t let the bastards manipulate you and bully you. You are grieving for what you don`t have, just like I am grieving for what I don`t have. Personally I know I will never go back to my family of origin. I have walked too far along the road to freedom and to go back to them would have huge repercussions on the progress I`ve made. Anyone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissist will get good days and bad days, abuse is abuse whether it be physical or emotional (narcissistic).
One way I found really helpful in healing, was reading masses on the subject and talking or writing it down.
You are like a butterfly breaking out of it`s chrysalis……fly free and believe in yourself.
Wow, thank you, you are so positive and glad you broke away from their game. I grieve for what I don’t have too. At times they reinforce the dream you have of them, when they are nice, and it’s hard to break away. My mom promised me she’d start communicating and stop the silent treatment; apparently that is her way of dealing with anger. I told her one of us could die the next day and we have wasted time not communicating and working through things. I will give her a chance as it came from her mouth she will try her best. She admitted she never grew up communicating her feelings. As far as my sister goes, I wouldn’t even let her borrow my used toilet paper. She will forever be an ungrateful, self entitled brat. I do not wish to be dragged into her misery, however, it’s harder now that I am an auntie to her 2 sons. Time with them is blissful, however my sister is a bitch to me, even in front of them and then wonders why I respond negatively. I try not to in front of them, however my sister is always bitchy. I learned from my therapist, we need to have small doses of these people. It sucks that they are so self absorbed, but really glad you were able to make a break. It’s hard to know who you are without the family dynamic, but I guess that part of finding yourself and having faith. I wish you the best as well. 🙂
Wow, it’s amazing to me that so many of us have had this experience. I worshipped my mother as a child, but the minute she was displeased, she would not only give me the silent treatment, but shut herself in her bedroom and lock me out for hours or days. I would beg and plead for forgiveness and slip notes under the door until she finally would come out like a cold and haughty monarch and do me the favor of just barely acknowledging my presence. She had to be the center of everything at all times, and she worked hard to make sure that my sisters and I did not have a relationship with each other (she talked bad about all of us behind our backs) or my father, who was the clueless enabler who pretty much tuned us all out. To outsiders she was just the sweetest person in the world.
My mom has passed away and my oldest sister has seized control. She is an extremely sick product of years and years of being the target of the bulk of my mother’s disdain. She has to be in control of everything or she unleashes a horrible fury. My father now enables her the same way he did my mom. In our family, she is the leader of the crazy cult and she rules with intimidation and manipulation.
I was the peacemaker and people pleaser for most of my life. I compare it to being the manager of a crazy high maintenance rock band. If they wanted all the brown M&Ms removed from the bowl, I was the one who picked them out to make everyone happy. They all fought like cats and dogs and I got along with all of them because I completely catered to whatever they wanted. I was ten years younger than my two sisters, so it was like having three nutty mothers and a clueless and sometimes mean father. I was outwardly “perfect” but inwardly deeply depressed and developed eating disorders. When I finally found my voice/started to get healthy and began to assert myself, everyone got angry with me and turned on me. They are so sick and toxic that I detest being around them. Thankfully I narrowly escaped marriage to a narcissist and married a very loving and wonderful man. I have two beautiful children that I am raising to be each other’s best friends and supporters (I know it may not happen, but I am trying). I also have wonderful friendships. Even having all of this, the pain of estrangement from my extended family is so difficult around the holidays (when everyone is getting together with family) that I struggle with deep depression from October through January. One of you said I am grieving what I have never had. This is so true! I want to let go of the pain and just enjoy my own family, and I try so hard, but I am so full of sorrow that we have no extended family to rely on. My husband’s family has major issues too, and they are scattered all across the country. I still have contact with one sister and my dad, and every interaction is phony and painful, but I can’t bring myself to completely cut myself off. It’s interesting how pathetic this sounds when I write it down.
Dear Karen,
Don`t put yourself down, your situation sounds so far from pathetic. Give yourself some credit in fact do more than that give yourself some love and a huge pat on the back for the traumas you have faced during your life. You are clearly a very strong person and none of what has happened is your fault. Do not allow yourself to carry the burden of your families toxicity, mentally throw it back to them and try and move on.
I so understand how hard it is to put the past behind you, but use your knowledge to empower yourself and continue to grow. You will feel better it just takes time. When I first worked out that my family were abnormal and dysfunctional it was a huge shock and it left me reeling for a very long time. I have worked hard to get to where I am now, which is in a very good place. I no longer need them and life is full of positive energy and happiness. I can drive to where they live now and where I grew up and feel nothing………..I don`t know if that`s a good thing or not, but I don`t feel as though I`m grieving anymore………Concentrate on your fabulous family and work on being you. Listen to your inner voice, your intuition will tell you how to move forward. Keep strong, I`m rooting for you.
my crazy evil narcissistic mother is using this on me now suddenly…its difficult to deal with…it has been over a month and she is pretending shes the victim when shes the devil…its starting to break me down..we live apart of course but still…I live in a place my parents own and need to talk to her about certain things..how disgusting that she wont take my calls or talk to me at all yet sat around saying to people how much she loved me and how WORRIED she was about me 24/7…im in my 30’s! and no one thought this was strange…she held her ‘phone’ next to her all the time waiting for my call…in case I needed to talk to her…like im a confused teenager…now if she cant torment me or I fight back…now she has resorted to the silent treatment…it shows how vicious evil and cruel these monsters are….now when I think about it it starts to affect me…ie whereas SHE is affecting my life not even being in it!! but the silent treatment is a very cruel form of abuse and as this psychopathic monster creature is losing control in her own pathetic twisted life….she wants more control over me or my emotions…shes in her 60’s now and a worthless degenerate…shes also going to go visit my sisters baby when she has it and I fear for that child…she is a sociopath who is out of control and capable ofanything…im writing this too as a warning in case something does happen….look to HER for anything because she is not going to get old and just let things happen. in 10 years she has NEVER visited my sister where she lived…yet now shes going after she has the baby?? no I don’t think its to help her out…
saying to people how much she loved me and how WORRIED she was about me 24/7…im in my 30’s! and no one thought this was strange…she held her ‘phone’ next to her all the time waiting for my call…in case I needed to talk to her…like im a confused teenager…now if she cant torment me or I fight back…now she has resorted to the silent treatment…it shows how vicious evil and cruel these monsters are….now when I think about it it starts to affect me…ie whereas SHE is affecting my life not even being in it!! but the silent treatment is a very cruel form of abuse and as this psychopathic monster creature is losing control in her own pathetic twisted life….she wants more control over me or my emotions…shes in her 60’s now and a worthless degenerate…shes also going to go visit my sisters baby when she has it and I fear for that child…she is a sociopath who is out of control and capable ofanything…im writing this too as a warning in case something does happen….look to HER for anything because she is not going to get old and just let things happen. in 10 years she has NEVER visited my sister where she lived…yet now shes going after she has the baby?? no I don’t think its to help her out…
Hi
For almost 14 days my mothers had given me the silent treatment. I have known for some yrs that there was something wrong, but just couldn’t figure out what is was. But now I know she is a narcissist – whit this new knowledge I can see a lot of stuff clear now. My main problem is – my mom has the power over my 24 yr old daughter, so I can’t tell her. My mom has told my daughter a lot of bad stuff about me. And I can se in my daughters eyes how she don’t like me :-(thank you for your information on this great site 🙂
I think sometimes this may be correct. But I have to disagree on this being the case all the time. If you;re dealing with someone who repeatedly mistreats you even when you repeatedly express your displeasure….sometimes its time to just leave. Nothing left to talk about. For example, if a friend of mine gets abused repeatedly by their significant other and they chose to simply cut them off….how are they being narcissistic? Sometimes people need to see the consequences of their actions.
Hi John,
with reference to your comment. Can I just say that my parents have mistreated me for years and part of that control was to cut me out of their lives for initially weeks and then months on end. The terrible deed that I committed was that I disagreed with some of their crazy actions and the way in which they spoke and treated me. The last time it happened was about 18 months ago and maybe I have used reverse pyschology on them for a change this time. Put it like this I certaintly having gone running back apologising to keep them happy (like I`ve done all my life). I`ve quite frankly and simply just given up. I`ve had enough of being treated so disrespectfully by them. It`s important to point though, that narcissists have a pattern of behaviour and I guess that is what this article is about. If someone has had enough of bad treatment and they say bye bye then that`s their perogative. But when the same person keeps on mistreating others in the same way then that`s a sure sign of a narcissistic personality disorder. My parents have abused every one of their relatives in the same way they have abused me. That`s the kind of pattern that is mental illness……..and that`s what has helped me as I now know that I`m not the only one to have been given the silent treatment. It`s fascinating stuff and it`s taken along time to learn about who I am, but I`m here and although abit battered and sad at times. I`m so glad I`ve moved on with my life.
How would we differentiate going no or low contact from giving the silent treatment? I am afraid I might have some narc fleas from my narcissistic mother and sibling. After a traumatic event, I’ve realized I suffered and continue to suffer mentally and physically from my relationship with these two people and have tried to limit contact. How do I know if I am just as bad a narcissist as them? I know my mother is pained from our lack of a relationship, but I feel healthier and free from negativity being away. I don’t know how to even get them to understand the pain I’ve experienced from them. And how do I know whether I am just placing the blame elsewhere?
I feel for everyone here! I grew up with a manipulative rager on one side and the aloof dealer of the silent treatment on the other. I was the child between them. It wasn’t easy becoming whole, but I am no longer tormented by the scars from my parents behaviors. The one lives in another state and has been silent now for 10 years-whew I am so glad to be grown! Funny enough, I suffered an injury while on the job which cost me everything, and I now live with the other. This parent is still as sick as ever, and I deal with all sorts of irrationality every day, but it no longer hurts me because I see it for what it is, and know my own self worth, as well as what is logical and appropriate on an emotional level. I have one very miserable and frustrated old narcissist on my hands, but I have no fear of tantrums! 911 is on speed dial, and my main mission now that my parent is old is to keep self harm from being inflicted, for truly that is all that there is left. Light and Joy be with you all!
It is still so sad though isn`t it. To be the child of a family who cannot communicate, admit when they get it wrong, have the ability to apologise and have no empathy. It really is so sad and I wish that it would transpire that I`m not their daughter and actually there is a fabulous, loving family waiting around the corner to love me back. I wish I hadn`t been born into my family of origin, I just wish I had normal folks who really cared about our non-existent relationship…………I feel very sad today and would give anything for a loving, caring Mother.
the silent treatment is an evil disgusting way of yes controlling someone. the victim isnt’ vulnerable..theyre just normal…its normal to want to talk to someone who is not talking to you suddenly. but to a predator or sociopath they see it as a power play…they are sick weak people..pathetic lowly people who seek to treat someone this way. the victim should feel empowered for not being as low as this disgusting predator who has NO power NO control but is really just a leech and sociopath…
my evil evil twisted mother is giving me the silent treatment..it bothered me badly at first..2 months now..but whats affecting me is the energetic link–if they have been taking your power antyway and then give u the silent treatment..they will be stealing your energy and leeching you…it is torture…that is what is making me suffer the most..the energetic torture involved… my evil mother is doing this hoping I think that it hurts or kills me. she is just that bad…it is slowly killing me I think b/c of the energy involved…this woman is so evil and I hope that she is the one who somehow falls off a cliff…those who give the silent treatment..are weak pathetic lowly people…they are the cowards sheep…their victims are strong powerful people…who are way above these lowly disgusting pathetic torturing sociopaths….
Well said. Thank you for reminding me.
Help me please. I moved out of the family home with my handicapped daughter 14 months ago.. After telling my husband that I want a divorce, he told me it was more important that he live in the home because people in the neighborhood need him more because he is the president of the homeowners association.
During that time my husband attacked me in front of my daughter and she begged me to call the police. Now all he wants is revenge, even more than before. My daughter and I are being evicted from our apartment and we will be going to a homeless shelter. My husband told my family and friend that he gave me the money to pay my rent but I spent it on gambling. He is a lier. He has never given my money. He controls my money and he decides which bills to pay. This has completely destroyed my credit, my family believes him, and I am at the end of my rope.
Hi Cindy,
I`m not sure if this is the right site for you. These blogs are about people who have to deal with being ostrasised by someone close to them. I think you may need to find a site that deals with domestic abuse. Good luck.
I have a mother who was a terror when I was a child. She was incredibly punishing. I was her scapegoat.
Then through most of my twenties she gave me the silent treatment to the point where, for all intents and purposes, I had no mother at all. She was hypercritical of me, emotionally abusive, deemed me to be a hopeless loser who would never amount to anything (I think this is how she felt justified in rejecting me). I accepted that I didn’t have a mother and moved on.
In my thirties I became quite successful in a career that I loved and put me in the public eye a lot. Then she wanted me back — said she had changed, she was sorry, blah, blah, blah. I had my doubts and tried to keep my distance. She was very meddling and wanted me to disclose everything, saying she wanted to know me (as though she never really had before — which she hadn’t: all those years of the silent treatment means you don’t know me, Mom). I wouldn’t tell her everything because of what I remembered in childhood and for my entire twenties. I knew how cruel she could be. But against my better judgement, slowly began opening up to her, so that by my mid-forties I told her what she wanted to know (but still reserved spaces in my head where I wouldn’t let her in: spiritual experiences, intimacies with others, various quests — she could still be very disapproving and discount things).
In my fifties, she surprised me by being non-judgemental about a spiritual experience I had. So, we became very close, or at least I thought so. Looking back on it, I shared a lot of myself with her, but she never did with me.
In my late fifties, I came on hard times: lots of sicknesses, deaths, tragedies, financial hardships … she pulled away from me and got very critical again, very “blaming”. I was shocked. I thought: “At the worst time in my life you pull this?” So every time she brought up one of “the tragedies”, I would change the subject. This infuriated her. She kept telling me I could trust her. So, I finally gave in and sent her a well thought out letter. It was a long letter having to do with everything but her, but there was one sentence in the letter where I mentioned a childhood experience that involved her. To her this was the crime of the century and her response was that I “had to be punished.” In my late fifties with grown children?
She is in her eighties now — and she’s giving me (and my whole family!) the silent treatment again. It’s been close to a year now.
It`s a funny old thing this narcissism game. Has anyone else found that the longer they cut you out for the less you actually need them and the stronger you become………I`ve got to the point now with my parents and siblings whereby I don`t think about them anywhere as much as I used to……It`s true what they say that “Time is a great healer”. I`m so mentally far away from my family of origin now that I don`t even know what I`d say to any of them. I don`t think that we would have anything in common. Thankfully I`m very, very different to them The Horvaths. I can`t think why I didn`t see the light sooner.
I’m looking forward to getting there, after 6 months of his silent treatment. I just decided to take the easy route and slide it to full and permanent NC after raging at myself for 3 weeks about the way he had behaved.
It’s getting easier, more in focus, I’m constantly “re-remembering” the horrors of a dysfunctional and tortured childhood and putting them in context and putting them away.
Sometimes my mind wanders to thinking how much better it would be if all this went away and we could be one big happy family again … except then I remember we never, ever were.
Trying hard to make a better life with my wife and children. Whilst I’m damaged, stressed and have little frame of reference for normal parenting, at least I am not wasting time and energy on their insane dance any more. I’m not there yet, but I do know I’m handling life’s challenges better now.
Your little post was an inspiration, thank you.
As all adult children of narcissists know. There comes a time when for whatever reason we weaken in our resolve to move on and get on with our lives. Here I am heartbroken all over again (stupid me) after deciding to contact my NPD mother last week after no contact and obliteration from my life by her for almost 2 years.
Do you think there was an ounce of remorse on her part for the demise of our relationship? do you think there was a morsal of regret or sadness from her? do you think she`s contacted me since to try and repair the relationship and show that she cares or loves me? Well if you answered NO to all three questions then you were right…………..
Heartbroken again, this time though with the awful, ghastly realisation that this is it, there is nothing in my mothers soul-less, cruel, bitter, spiteful pysche that is worth me fighting for any longer. The days when we connected (through my pandering to her every whim) are gone because she knows I know what she really is and that I won`t play the game.
However on my part I still miss the oasis of her love and wish to heaven that she wasn`t this cold, zombie like creature and that we could have a normal mother/daughter relationship without me having to second guess her all the time.
So it looks like we are back to her dishing out the silence treatment and me having to lick my wounds and get life back to some kind of normality again.
I feel so sad but I guess that`s what makes me human and her not.
I’m sorry to say, if she knows you’ve rumbled her I’d doubt you could even get away with playing along. Mine can’t cope, I tried the same sort of thing, but they can’t accept the past is vile and form any kind of relationship in spite of all that went before.
It’s the programming … dragging you back, making you think things were better or you can make them better, if only, yadda yadda yadda.
Step back from all the expectations and taboos we get indoctrinated with about parents and look at whether this “zombie” is really a parent to you, or ever was? Makes me incredibly depressed too, but I think letting myself believe I could put up with it, “swallow my pride”, or whatever, would be incredibly self-destructive.
I had a narcissistic Mom – no interior, the fault always outside herself, mostly projected into me, or my brother’s wives.
I have just split from a narcissistic husband and gained support from the info on blogs like this. this is what I left:
refusal to ever negotiate and comfortable do things together
only his initiative counted for anything, mine was not recognised
he initiated less and less activity, giving as little as possible, doing as little as possible, any effort if I asked was too much
so everything became run down, still, frozen, nothiningy
silent, withholding, unaffectionate, ignoring my requests to talk about things,
total control of initiating sex, coldly ignoring me, if I tried to initiate
not following through on any little or big task that was important to me
lots of ‘little white lies’ in order to keep control of everything that I might have some say about
masochistically running down everything in his life courting more and more loss
and then
he would try briefly
when it evenually happened after all his withholding, the sex was very nice
everyone loved him because he was the life of the party
he was so warm with my relatives
telling me that how things were should be good enough
why didn’t I see it? The smoke screen of his own view of himself, my history, ….
I feel angry, cheeted, abused, tricked, deceived, and yet, I truly think he does not know what he is doing – he is the nice guy, as far as he is concerned, but I saw the little sadistic smile once or twice, when he had particularly frustrated me and hurt me
wow – soooooooo glad it is over, still processing, still letting go, but for me very very over
thanks for being there
Wow! this is my life now with my husband. I married him thinking it would all be so wonderful – he has 2 daughters (10 & 13) – and he is a wonderful dad. BUT…it has to be his way or no way.
I love the girls and will miss them but I’m starting to see the only way I can be my authentic self is to get away from the situation. We’ve been married 4 years and he still ignores me when he doesnt like something I say.
The other day I said I felt “sad and down” and he did nothing but get angry and tell me to take my meds and then not speak for several hours. And all the while we went to CHURCH! hello – awkward. I dont believe I have depression – bc I never had it before – but he tells me I do. I think I am just tired and sad about the relationship failure.
His first wife cheated on him several times – and he says he was the “perfect” husband and she was just crazy. There is my sign!! (sigh)
I discovered this behavior after 2 months of knowing a potential mate. Oh my ! So thankful I didn’t go any further with the relationship. Don’t even waste a second more on this type of behavior. Walk away now! Life is short and there are lots of wonderful other men out there! :). Good luck to all of you getting out!
I’ve only been married 9 months. And i started to get abused like this for the last 4 months. Thank you for all your comments. I’m glad this behavior has a name and that I’m not alone.
As a little tiny girl I was molested and raped by relatives and friends of my parents from the age of three to eleven, this is exactly how I was treated and continued to be treated by both of my parents, I felt to blame and lived with shame. They still will not speak to me about these things! It is very painful and damaging to my level of self worth! It was a therapist that was able to share with me that it was them as narcissists that were to blame & not me. It is a really a tough thing to break away, but the years took their tole and I am healing with good support and a total break from my parents has been the only way to break the pattern that lasted a lifetime as I didn’t find out till I was fifty five what the scenerio was about, they had me so overpowered I did not remember the bulk of the trauma that I had been through as it had been masterfully stuffed and buried by strong manipulation! I am in therapy for PTSD and am so hopeful to one day be free of the burden of master manipulation by a team of narcissistic parents who claimed to love me the way the Bible says to love their children. They even used God to manipulate there way in order to make it stick. I feel sorry and aggravated with master manipulators who are really just narcissist that want to run your life and never face their own inadequacies!
I have been with this person for 6 years. It was an affair, which was completely wrong but it came out of nowhere. I had just lost my mother and I felt so numb and dead inside. He came into my life and I felt love when I was showered with attention, affection and care. He seemed to know me. Like the real me inside, I had never been “gotten” before on a soul level.
The first months were like magic. He was charming, romantic, kind. He would come to my job just to tell me how much he cared and would give me hugs and kisses that enchanted me. He talked of soul chemistry and how good we felt together, holding my hand and gazing in my eyes. We talked constantly by email, IM anyway that we could.
About the third month in he would go absent on me, no explanation no excuse he would disappear for days. I would email him or text him panicked. Please come back to me. I would have such anxiety that I would be begging him to please come back. He always did, happy full of life like nothing happened. I would feel such relief, I would feel as though my Sun returned to me.
Little did I know that things would change yet again… That’s when I was told what I was really good for. I was his sexual fantasy, nothing more. I pleased him orally like no woman ever had and that is the reason that he continued to return to me. He loved his wife and enjoyed other women but that was my role in his life. I could not believe that this person that treated me so well was talking to me like this. I couldnt fathom what I had done to make him turn on me… lol now I know NOTHING. The deficiency is within him. I stayed and continued to stay, he beat me down spiritually and emotionally. I was on antidepressants, antianxiety meds. At one point I felt as though my body was electric. Like there were tiny pulses all over my body, extreme anxiety. Yet I stayed because I knew I could love him through this. I knew that one day he would see how much I loved him and just be kind to me. I was weak. Extremely. I was at my heaviest weight (he loved me heavy and never made me feel bad about it, one plus) I was at my darkest hour.
There is something in my that just cant quite let someone get completely over on me. I feel like I must have a little narcissist inside of me too. I am hurting my husband, although he doesnt know about the affair, I am harming my family unit by being so preoccupied with him and I cant stop. So by then I would start to lie to my lover. I would tell him since he stopped talking to me, I’ll just go on a date with someone else. Payback was swift, but he didnt disappear. I could handle the pain, I couldnt handle being ignored. That hurt worse. We continued on this twisted path for years, devaluing each other, one upping each other, walking away, killing each other with words because I wanted to rip his soul out too. The tipping point was when he told me of one of his affairs before it happened. He told me what she looked like, sent me pics of her. I begged him not to do it. I cried for days, missed work, neglected my family. He saw her on a night that he had taken off for us. He told me every detail. I have never experienced anything like it and to this day he still doesnt acknowledge how hurtful that must have been. My retaliation was to send him a sex tape.. me and someone else. Someone stronger physically, better sexually and doing dirtier things. I stooped that low.
We moved past that. Realized that we need each other, that we LOVE each other and no longer want to damage each other. I was his goddess and his queen. He actually did love me back to health, the disappearances were less frequent but I also treated him like a GOD. My god, I even knicknamed him MyKing. So everything was ok, until I actually started to love myself. Stand up for myself, question his words versus his actions. He left me this year the week before christmas, randomly. Which was fine, I see them as breaks now. H swore he would never talk to me again. On christmas morning I get a text which I ignore, christmas afternoon I get a message that says youre a great person and I am leaving you because you dont listen to me. to the seriousness of you questioning me and how it stresses me out. I said ok, have a great life. we went back and forth and now he is back. Fine, whatever, I give him his christmas present, care to guess what I got. hmmmm? Nothing. not a card nothing. We had BEEN exchanging gifts (vday, bdays) so this was out of the blue. He told me that he would return my gifts to me and that christmas doesnt mean shit to him anyway. I feel like I am awake. That I dont want to sacrifice myself and demean myself to get even, I dont think he is the only bad guy in this story something is pretty fucked up within me too. It’s just good to know the truth. The reasoning behind why we both do what we do. It makes so much sense now.
I just left a job , where I worked closely with some one like this. It was a hard situation because it was just the two of us in the department.. I was the more established employee.. I would go the weeks of not being spoken to for no apparent reason.. I went through this day in and day out.. for years.. I got to a point were i now realize I was being mentally abused and couldn’t prove it and made to put up with the B/S.. Till I spent almost two years not speaking to this person… Can you imagine.. I would only converse when I had to due to the job at hand.. Finally I asked if I could be removed from the department,, and placed in another working area, for various reasons.. but basically I could no longer take being around this person… Well my work improved immensely. Then other employees were hired and this person no longer had me to take out what their issue was on. I always felt i had done something wrong and the need to make them like me again.. mental torture.. Well low and behold this person started treating other employees the same way.. I recently have had to take a medical leave.. And I’m now seeing how this had affected me.. I am dealing with not wanting to go back to the abuse. or even laying eye’s on this person.. I stopped in to say hi to others whom I held in high regard and they as well during the holiday season to wish happy holidays to.. they were all happy to see me and curious as to how I was doing… EXCEPT my buddy.. could barley look me in the eye to say hi and how are you… I left with hopes that I never have to return. I now realize after 28 years it was and still will be a form of abuse.. it’s a small Co. so hard to not interact. would this be considered NPD do you think…
My husband of 14 years is an extreme me NPD and BPD I have now personally diagnosed. My family often refer to him as ” The man who lives upstairs” and 4 year old grandauggter as ” That man who don’t talk” for when he is giving me tge silent treatment all itgers whom visit me also get the invisible treatment including my small grandchildren. He works from his home office downstairs coming out to get his food to take back to his computer or comes out to go to the bathroom. Every otger waking second he us at his computer or upstairs in his licked ” Madroom”. That’s right…. ” The Madroom” consisting if a special finger print code box in which only his finger print will open ” Mafroom Room” door. Tgeres been bouts wnhere I haven’t even saw him living in the same home for weeks and up to three months at a time. All consisting if no words, no acknowledgement of my existence. Yes, this is how his silent treatment has escalated over a 14 year marriage. He has hit me, left bruises on me, cut my clothes up, threatened to put my aging dog outdoors on Chrustmas eve and tge coldest night of the year stating he hoped he froze to death and died…. I was forced to work all night at my job unable to go home and fearing when I did I’d b finding my frozen dog. I got home and my dog was still warm in my laundry room but all pictures if me were cut up in bite size pieces sprinkled on the bed and floors if two bedrooms as he sat silently at his computer. This is what I got on Christmas morning. My son was killed by a drunk driver and three months later he told me he didn’t deal with stress well and was sick if it…. Wanted better sex life. This as I asked him to attend a grief share with me at a locsl church. He is reclusive rarely ever leaving the home, doesn’t even walk outdoors. He demonstrates a grand life online as a network marketer boasting of millions he has made and how he has traveled, his many toys he owns and hiw he can have time to spend with his family as a wealthy man whom works from home. He hadn’t mentioned hiw he hadn’t filed taxes in years and also owes taxes and tgat his invisible wife has her wages garnished upon tax time each year due I filed with him…. Never again. I work nights my escape from his demeaning brainwashing treatment and often have walked into his office in the midst if him viewing porn as discovered he has multiple profiles in sex hookup sights, dating profiles and even mail order bride profiles…. Asking women ” Do you like to be spoiled”? And tgat he is willing to even travel to Asia to retrieve his Asian bride. I ask myself what us he going to do with me prior fetching such wife? He blames me fir snooping on his sometimes unlocked laptop and discovering all his sex profiles and bride searching profiles and once pushed me repeatedly throughout our home causing bruises all over me…. Later claiming that I just bruise easily. I also discovered he had a spy click with a hidden camera n our bedroom and could view my every move from his computer anywhere he was…. Two years this clock was in our bedroom prior my discovery if his receipt for his purchase and second years subscription fir premium viewing. He also watches voyer pio rn and has threatened to splash nude photis if me all over the internet…. Prior my discovery of his spy click in my bedroom. I believe I am brainwashed and perhaps have a kinda like Stickhold Syndrome and keep on staying in this hellish marriage. I fear him and often gasp when he enters a room I am in…. I dream if escaping yet also feel I live him and how could I live without him? yes, I know thus is screwed up yet feel paralyzed not able to gather strength to leave. He has ruined my once excellent credit as he bullied me into signing credit cards with him later finding out he was only the authorized user on account and I left Holding the debt. When at times I’ve tgreatens to leave he states he is going to shoot himself and licks himself in his ” Madroom” as I now just let him be and go to work. Yes, a miserable life. Get out in the early stages. I’m living proof tge silent treatment NPD never changes and if allowed will take you down with them.
Ren, I just read your story on your NPD husband. I just had the courage to leave my NPD PA fiance of 4 years. The first time I met him, he was so nice and I thought he was my soul mate! He was friendly and affectionate. He wanted to please me and we got along great! 5 months later, he started to show his true colors. He became possessive and jealous. He did not want me to be with friends. He knew I was going to an art show with my friends and he didn’t want to go. So he made a huge passion mark on my neck! We are in our fifties! Because, I still went and put a scarf on, he did not talk to me for 3 weeks! I went back to him, because he said he was sorry and he just wanted more time with me. He asked me to live with him, however, I would not, but I did end up spending 3 to 4 days at his house. He then had me clean his house and have sex whenever he wanted. He then had me babysit his grandson with him every Thursday and Friday for 2 years. He pulled me away from my family and friends. When he got mad at me, he would tell me to get the f out his house, and lok me out and give me the silent treatment. Only to come back 3 weeks later telling me he loved me. He was very secretive. He pad locked his office room in his house. I was restricted from ever going to his office, computer or phone. I found out he had a surveillance camera in his house, which could video and record my movement in his house, and to my horror, our sex life. Sometimes when he got mad because I had lunch with my friends, he would curse me and call me a f whore and lots of other names. When I finally had enough, I gave him the ring back, he called me every name in the book and when that did not get a rise out of me, he admitted to having pictures of me that he would make public. Whenever, I showed any kind of happiness, especially after being with friends or family, I could tell he resented it. His smile never seemed real, it looked like an angry smile. He was always negative and talked about other people making fun of them always! For our 4 year anniversary, I cooked a special dinner and he showed up with nothing, no card or flowers. He said he is just not that kind of man. He would occasionally throw me a few crumbs of kindness. Not much. I gave him a fabulous birthday party, many gifts and cards, a whole lot of affection. I was going through a rough time, my aging parents were having severe medical problems, not once did he come to console me or help me. I am a college graduate, pretty, smart, loved by many friends and family members! How could I fall for this and put up with it! I am a widow and he a widower, I felt sorry for him. I did not realize what he was doing to me! He made me think it was my fault, using gaslighting. He apologized once, he said I am sorry you provoked me! He showed no compassion or empathy to me. I am trying to recover from all this! I know I am strong, but I feel like I have suffered pure torture! His wife was terminally ill, I can’t imagine the torture she went through while sick! I really did love this man, now I despise him. Thank you all for sharing. I know the signs, and will never let anyone treat me that way!
I think I may have fallen for a narcissist I first met her in my early teens and instantly new that she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with she is a goddess still to this day the most beautiful woman I have ever seen or met her ST started the day I proposed to her she just stared at me looking like she was going to cry I guess I am too blame for that I told her that the worst thing she could do to me was too not speak to me that was over 10 years ago and every time I have seen her since not a word I was raised with you get what you give no words to me none to her it hasn’t been that bad for me I’ve only tried to take my life eight times the most recent a little before last thanksgiving eventually you learn not too give a F about anything or anyone but thems the breaks it is what it is
This describes my ex girlfriend. If I did something that she disapproved of, or we got into an argument, she would initiate the silent treatment. There was no communication, so all the anger she had for me from these episodes just built up, and turned into a steady disdain for me. It ended our relationship. I still care about her very much. I don’t even know if she knows that she’s abusing me. Maybe she’s doing it out of fear of confrontation. I just don’t know. But it doesn’t look like she’s ever going to change. I spent a period of six months where I was nothing but kind and supportive to her, even in the face of her emotional abuse. I hoped it would break the spell and we could be friends. No luck. She eventually accused me of trying to be a false friend. That really hurt. I need to cut her out. This is so unhealthy for me.
Hi Neil. …..sounds like you have been through the mill! I’ve been there too. You say that she might not be aware that she is doing it. ……….I believe that they do know what they are doing. My ex admitted to me that I got the brunt of his control issues and moods etc. He said that he didn’t know how else to deal with his anger and other issues. His father was quite aggressive and neglectful during my ex’s childhood. I believe that he had no option but to internalise his childhood anger and has become conditioned to do as an adult. He is incapable of conflict resolution. It’s his way or the high way so to speak. He has to have the control that he never had as a child. He has to have the attention that he never had as a child. He seeths with anger and could turn to silence at any time and it could last for months. I too supported him during redundancy. …study. ….illness and death of his dad. I don’t regret doing it. The breaking point for me came when I had to claw back a thousand euro that he owed me. He had moved away and probably thought that I was a soft touch. But I eventually got it by saying that I could come to collect it at his place of work if he had difficulty with a credit transfer online. He had a new job and I knew that he wouldn’t want that so I was kinda guaranteed my money! ! Walk or run away if you can. You will get hurt again and again. You deserve so much better. They’re takers. They are amoral. Run run run! !
Have you ever heard the saying to kill them with kindness
Hi everyone. …I think I may have just escaped from a narcissist. He engaged in the silent treatment quite often. He knew that this upset me a lot. Recently I went away for a night with my girlfriends. Literally overnight the withdrawal began. No calls or messages. A big change from texts and calls all day. However I had experience of this before with him so I expected as much. While at this stage he was answering my calls etc, he was very cold and agitated. This progressed to zero contact and the silent treatment for a week. I eventually sent a text asking what was wrong. He broke up with me. I am not upset. I realise that he finished with me because he has control issues. I went away without his permission! His silent treatment was to punish me. When he realised that I wasn’t upset he finished with me. I’ve had a lucky escape and thank God I saw him for what he was.
Thank you so much for all I have received from this site …………..I recognise everything that’s been said so much as gave me lots of answers
And you can analyze these people until the cows come home but the bottom line is you can only change yourself so if you’re unhappy and you’re in bad relationship get help for yourself. Put what little energy you seem to have left and focus on fixing yourselves. It’s a colossal waste of time focusing on someone else. In my opinion anyone with a person like this is just as sick as the person they’re complaining about. Two sickles don’t make a wellie.
Im still so in love with my narcissist ex. =\ i just found out this…..demon… has a name. I must say im devastated to learn that my fears are validated in that he had no genuine feelings for me after all I’ve done, been thru, and put up with, and GIVEN UP for this man. To be NOTHING but forgotten and replaced… it makes me question every reason i once had to have faith and never give up on something u want. What’s the point of even continuing this saga of epic fails and wtf moments I’ve called life for 31 years? Im so broken!! – as i seem to have been since a month after i met him..
how can anyone be so cruel? Better question.. why the hell do i ache to be locked in that cell- put back on trial – and guilty before the gavel slams? Maybe I’m the real sicko here??? He “has found younger and hotter, with bigger boobs a better ass, and everything else i am not! ” -his words to new two weeks ago when i found out he had been seeing this other girl for SIX MONTHS – my birthday i sat home alone waiting for him to stop ignoring me – he wasn’t alone he was giving her a ring and a promise. .. three weeks later after another STUPID FIGHT where id DONE SOMETHING WRONG (-i guess devoting yourself, your time, your energy, and all you have to one person is WRONG) i found out my lady exam was abnormal and had to have a biopsy was terrified, he promised to go with me but since id pissed him off- i layed there alone- drive myself 120 miles round trip went home and cried alone. .. he was with her and her kids having family outings – so i found out about all this two weeks ago. I have been with him – as much as he has allowed anyway – fir the last year and a half.. even when he would break up with me, i wad loyal and always found myself waiting for him to come back, to change his mind. He called me names daily, would pick any story assist – even the ones from my past that HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM apart – and psycho analyze my every word and find some reason to v get mad or insist id told the story different the last time. ..even when it was the first id told it. I felt he just had to be offended or afflicted always! His stories were very undetailed (for lack of a better word) his actions were never consistent with his words. . And he blamed me constantly that i wad a liar and i whore. .. that i created dreams and chaos. .. while i but my tongue let him lie to my face and do as he wished just to keep (or try to) keep the peace! ! I always ran back to him – i always tried to make him see he wad everything to me – and i was his pull cord toy. Im not sure i can live with this. I don’t want to go thru a year getting over someone that HAD no issue getting over me or replacing me.. i feel so stupid and so worthless… she mocks me and laughs at my “fall from grace” so to speak while she trots off WITH MY LIFE!!! There’s so much more to this story but there’s not enough hours in the day. … i hate these waves of panic!!! how im the only one still standing here while everyone else runs of in the sunset and lives happily ever after… i feel a dark cloud over everything i do. I cry at the stupidest things. I hear his laugh. . See his face every time i start to fall asleep so i avoid sleep until i collapse! This man is killing me and i feel lie Michael being cat down from heaven – but all i did was what good has told us to do LOVE! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? ???
Oh Kara! You are not worthless! You are so loving and he simply took advantage of that. Trust me, I know. My boyfriend and I were together for 2.5 years and lived together for 1 year. He chased me for 2 months before I gave in and it was wonderful for about 6 weeks until I began seeing red flags which I ignored. Lies. Betrayal. I tried so hard to trust him. But I always suspected there was something very biological in our attraction to one another, Aside from having amazing sexual chemistry. After the most recent, and god help me if not, last break-up, I began doing some research and have decided that I am a highly sensitive person HSP/empath and that he has narcissistic personality disorder. The more research I do the more convinced I am. I am getting the silent treatment right now because I saw pictures of him with another woman and called him out on it. Which would be fine, we are broken up, but just weeks ago he was saying “baby I fucked up, I love you, I miss you…” etc. The hard part for me is every few months he has break-throughs. He comes home drunk, in tears, and says something’s wrong with him, he needs therapy etc. I’ve ALWAYS encouraged him going to therapy. But even if he can change he’s done too much damage. I feel so broken too. But it’s not our faults. We simply love too much and understand too much. We are not the monsters.
I am a bit confused on one issue.
You say to give the no contact treatment to a narcissist. But then you also go on to say it is the worst form of abuse to give someone.
Is there a moral difference between the silent treatment and no-contact?
Well, the bible does speak about people like “narcissists” in 2 Timothy chapter 3. Paul refers to them as “lovers of themselves.” Paul then goes on to say to turn away from such people! A good, moral, decent person would be wise to turn away from a wicked, manipulative narcissist and false accuser.
Vicky, you just saved my life, I currently contemplated ending my life (because of my narcissist partner of 14 years)…. I prayed for relief because of the pain inflicted by this snake (disguised in a meat suit). I gave and gave, tried to change, gave up jobs, lowered all my standards. Emotionally drained and exhausted from constant arguments. I have been so discombobulated, and confused. He would gladly throw me under the bus and tell everyone that I ran out in front of it ????Nothing I did/do was ever good enough. Constantly accusing me of being or trying to be with other men. I have remained faithful even to a fault. A couple of years ago, I fell at work and broke my neck…Out of work for months…He blamed me for everything and I couldn’t do anything but take it. He even grabbed me by the face. I had a fractured vertebrae and three herniated discs! Heck, I could write a novel on my whole life being drained by narcissist. I started recently secretly recording him in all his narcissistic splendor and my journals are recorded too. So this week it’s the silent treatment and not sleeping with me or sleeping with all his clothes on, hahaha…Oh yeah and now that I don’t have a job, money, friends, he’s in hog heaven. I have a strong intuition that there’s another female, but that would be a dream come true, as I am becoming numb and wish he would be so lucky. I now suffer from PTSD and severe depression. I will never understand why narcissist do what they do; I won’t try to either. No it’s not our fault for giving love; but we deserve better. I deserve to live, to be loved and respected. Thank you and many blessings to you Vickie (scriptures ????) and everyone for sharing
Silent treatment is a temporary thing, a form of abuse and to control your behavior. No contact is you making a break for freedom and not going back…saving your sanity, your soul and maybe your life.
I think my fiance is a narcisst? He will for no reason be up down up down and shuts down ignoring me for weeks sometimes he would wake me in middle of night and tell me I must f out of the house as he all of sudden wants to be alone and he is not going be held accountable for his actions he looks different then its like i am looking at a monster. He will not talk to me at all then. Half of the times I do not know what I have done. Our sex live is terrible he does nothing but says I must be WOW and then says I am terrible. Whatever I try sexually he refuses he is like a corpse. Its like he does not have emotions at all. With other people he is so friendly I do not understand it? Every day he is a different person. If I ask for a hug he would refuse said he doesnt need it so why do I> If I cry he likes it and dishes out more. He lies all the time, steals from me ruins me financiallly and if I refuses to give money for his lavish lifestyle he would say I am useless. He never follows through with anything like he would order stuff and refuses to pay for it. He will even take MY medication if I am ill and take it as he says he needs it. Zillion times I get home from work, he refuses to open the door for me and changed the locks he is inside, but does not answer my calls nothing……
Then I would text him what is going on and get nothing for days on end. All of a sudden he would text me just HELO and as soon as I respond put me on block. This behaviour is driving me insane. I have tried to change so many times to do and please him and nothing seems to work I do not know what to do. How can he say he loves me and an hour later he locks me out of the house for weeks…….. How many times I got there then he just says I cannot come in as he doesnt feel like it. Each time I had to go to my kids and my kids hates him so now he says its all my fault. He is so nice to other people always but refuses to help me with anything at all. On weekends he will ask me to help him with the garden and as soon as I start he dissappears watching porn. Its like I do not exit. Then he would say I am a whore, then again I am great then again I am rubbish. Then again he would complain I am thinner than he is. I am so confused and lost right now. If I tell him I am going to leave him he goes telling everybody I am a whore then I get punished and not talked to for weeks again. He never ever apologises for anything. Wouldnt you know it last Sunday while we were without talking washing the cars another girl pitched….we have been together for 4 years we are engaged she then said she met
him 2 years ago and have spent time with him and he said she can come over. I was stunned, before that he once told me to go to the shops upon my return he had another girl there telling me he invited her over and I have to accept it. Things like that. Then a day later after I cried my eyes out he will say he doesnt know why he did it and he can see I am hurt etc this only lasts for like a week then it is the same thing.
Sometimes he would tell me he doesnt need me then again he will say I am now allowed to clean the house. The minute I do so he will start yelling I did it wrong. If I ask please forgive me can I have a hug he will put his finger on my chest and say there…are you happy now. Even when he sits in front of the tv he will ask for sexual favors and then say but I must not disturb him he is watching tv and then again when I do these favors halfway through he will say he hates it I must leave the f house. Its like he is posessed or something.
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I do not eat I do not sleep I am stressed out. His wife left him because of this and his oldest daughter several times tried to commit suicide. He stretches this behavior to the extreme. I have noticed a pattern lately it always is like this the day after we made love. Each time. And the silent treatment gets longer and longer. Then suddenly he would send a text HI and blocks me again this goes on for weeks. Then he is again as normal as can be only for like 3 days. I am at a stage now where I walk on eggshells and count every word I am saying.
I want to stop the engagement and walk out. Should I do so? I love him so but this is taking me to the ground fast. Because in a timeframe of eg a month we do have perhaps 10 good days……Oh my word I am so lost
Jenna (Sept. 16, 2015 post) Please save yourself and do not marry the man who treats you in this manner of intentional calculated emotional abuse as you’ve described. This is a foreshadowing of how he will treat you the rest of your marriage, or worse. The up down up down you describe may also indicate Bipolar Personality traits. The intentional withholding of affection and lack of empathy for your needs with something as simple as a hug may be indicative of sociopathic tendencies. These are the behaviors of a hurt little boy and not a man with the emotional maturity for marriage, much less fatherhood. You cannot fix him and NOTHING you do will ever be good enough because he is mentally ill. You are better than this, please run away, don’t walk. All the red flags are flying.
i have been in a serious relationship with my Guy for 3 good years.. One day we were in a dinner party, we had a little misunderstanding which lead to a Quarrel and he stood up and left me at the dinner party. i try to call him but he was not picking my calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my brother so much love me that he had to see him on my behalf,he told my brother that it is over between us. I cry all day, Then i contacted a friend of mine that had this similar experience and she directed me to Dr.Saze and i contacted him and tell him my problems how i lost my relationship with my lover. at first i thought it was not going to be possible.i was ask to come up with a little requirement information of me and my Guy,so i did what i was ask to do, after 24Hours the spell was cast i was in my office when my Guy called me and was asking me to forgive him and come back to him. i was very surprise it was like a dream to me. my Lover is now back and he treat me very good. and our relationship is now stronger ask ever before. if you are act there looking for help is time for you to still put your hope on Dr.Saze love spell, i promise you that you will be happy with your LOver again email him. (spirituallove@hotmail. com)
Reading all of the comments gives me mixed feelings – i feel that maybe i’m not so crazy & guilty of all he says i do.. so feel a bit more clarity. but with that clarity also comes the realization that the chances of things getting any better are pretty nil. 🙁
Married to NPD, master manipulator – 10 yrs married.. been together much longer than that. I have half of my life invested here + 2 beautiful kids to boot. I am sitting alone in our bedroom.. suffering through another silent treatment. In the past, I would have broken down by now – said and done anything to put things back together. Apologize profusely for whatever went wrong. Now I guess I am just too tired and have no patience or energy for that.
Keywords I read ring so true for me: Jekyl & Hyde, constantly criticize everyone, always finding faults & focusing on them, his way always, my feelings never matter, etc etc…
To add another layer of torture, he suffers from a mixture of illnesses.. I’ve always taken care of him and nursed him .. Nightly massages, whatever is needed.. which is fine with me.. my health is usually fine. But he has been using his illness to control/manipulate.
We get into a fight over something stupid – always my fault – and if I don’t apologize enough or say the right thing then he will spend the night on the couch, even after I tell him to use the bed so he doesn’t feel worse. After being called many disgusting names & told to f&*k off.. i go to bed and leave him there. If I have not made an effort to come out in the middle of the night to bring him to bed.. (as I’ve mistakenly done in the past)then the anger increases ten fold by morning. Now I’ve done it. I left him all alone and now he feels worse. I knew he was sick and I left him there. Now I am completely responsible for his current worsening health.. because I let him stay on the couch. I did it to him. I am the reason he feels like shit. So now that I am responsible for that.. I am one evil c*&t.. b*(&h.. you name it. Now I am not allowed to take him to the doctor.. or even hospital, if needed. Because I made him sicker. — is that super crazy?? or am i just one cold Bi**h?
Everything hinges on whether or not I apologize and “take responsibility for what I’ve done”. There are no discussions.. just do what is expected or the shit gets worse. He will jump straight to getting a divorce. Which I should jump on i guess.. but my kids love him so much and would be damaged by a split.. so i hang on.
I have no idea what to do now. So hurt and disappointed… and pissed that he is doing this to our family. As much as i say he sucks.. he is also a good dad and can be very caring and thoughtful – hence Jeckyll and Hyde.
i see his health deteriorating and want to help, but he refuses. He should have gone to the hospital the other day but got pissed when i told him i found a doctor for him with our new insurance. He had told me he wouldnt let me take him to the doctor so how dare i do that behind his back. He got up and left. To sit at a starbucks or something for 8 hours.. not even calling on family to take him in. more important to make me feel guilty i guess.
so tired, depressed.. i am silent with him too because i just dont know what to say anymore. ugh. sorry for this super long post.. need to write though. thanks.
My narssist discarded me went on living and having fun for 5 weeks , all silent treatment . Then I told someone she is a whore. She heard and texted me during the 6th week of silent treatment . Please stop telling people I’m a whore , I didn’t respond
25 yrs with a narcissist and trapped I have been manipulated and changed my whole being . I’m used controlled .. live in my house in 3 rooms .. I go to doctors and get rx because I’m disabled , but somehow there is problems with that .. I am watched or being told I am 24/7 .. I am accused non stop of cheating with everyone including my family.. I am always being told what a peice of shit I am and to get the fuck out and take the pair of jeans I came with .. he has removed my name off everything taken full control of everything I worked for . I have no friends and barley can talk to my family . He likes me disconnected from my family as they are losers . He talks about them the same as he does me . I don’t get any calls and rely on just the web for communication and that is a problem . He is a god in his own eyes he is perfect and admits no guilt he has cheated and his family is perfect . He only associates with the super rich or people he thinks he is like . Then there are the ones he buys the ones who have no money and he literally buys his friendships . They make him feel inferior .. it’s my money too but he takes all the credit . .. I am not allowed to associate with his friends . He doesn’t go out but that also means I cannot go out . Everything is dictated if he doesn’t like it , it don’t happen .. ho. If he likes it or someone he has his eye on for some use then it’s ok . He is nothing to look at but he acts like he is a model .. he screwed around with a 17 ye old and still maintains the relationship after spending close to 100 grand .. on him . Sugar daddy is what that’s called and it’s half my money paying for some oral reciprocation .. everything is my fault always . No matter what , I cannot do anything right there is always something that is not to his expectations . At the same time he is weak very weak and enabled as a child . Very spoiled and entitlement is through the roof . He loves his selfies and uses i and me all the time it is so sickening as he gets all the credit for everything . He also is embarrassing to the point that he will say anything to be the center of attention at anyone’s expense , usually mine . The people that look up to him , it’s all a fictitious lie his whole life . Everything is embellished to either make him look good or how he was so personally done wrong .. 10% of what he says real the rest bullshit . If you don’t give him the attention then it’s like killing him he either does everything he can to buy your acceptance or hates you and demoralizes you with so much hate .. we have adopted kids that are learning this most inappropriate behavior but still have a common sense that they see through his behavior , but are also learning it .. I’m trapped and he knows it and will not let me out . The thought of it just rages him .. wish we had help out there .. it’s a lonely and silent world for those of us caught up in these monsters.. bit I have to remember everything he does is for me … at least that’s what I’m told .. haha for who? This is a onesided relationship . I am a full time housekeeper and nanny .. with no rights ..
Hi Alexander,
My mom has also done a form of silent treatment. We spoke on the phone where she said that she was extremely mad at me. She was mad because i spoke about the way i felt. She said that it is up to me to contact her. Is it still silent treatment when she manipulates me like this? How would you call it?
Hi Anna,
This does not sound like silent treatment from her side, more of a cry for help because you are giving her the silent treatment? I often see situations where the child is more emotionally developed than the father or mother. You explaining how you feel is fully your own right, but this does not guarantee that your mother understands this. Becoming angry sounds like a defence mechanism because you are blaming her she did something wrong.
I have been with my narcissist for 26 years married . 2 years ago i was diagnosed with breast cancer stage 4, when we left the hospital his first words were i have been waiting fir this happening since we met ! I was so shocked. He has throughout our marriage slowly destroyed my personality, im a strong person and i don’t recognise myself anymore. He doesnt come to hospital appointments or scans doesnt seem to care. Currently in 3rd week of silent treatment. I have had enough even my two children tell me to leave him. I don’t understand the control he has over me , it baffles me completely. I ask myself every day , is it me? Am i the problem? To be honest with my health I just want to be happy and have some time to myself without walking on egg shells so i have found somewhere to live have been hiding money in my own account I have to leave. We come into this world alone and have to look after ourselves . I am not responsible for his behaviour . I choose my own life( scared but stronger than ever)
“The silent treatment effectually cuts the victim off from the abuser; it sends a clear message to the victim about how insignificant they are and how easy it is for the abuser to live without them. It is utilized by insecure people with a poor self image who cannot keep up their end of a relationship through dialogue. When the victim does something that displeases the narcissist, they cease to exist for a certain period of time-most often extensive and disproportionate amounts of time.”
Alex, my question to you is this: my ex-husband is the narcissist. We have long been divorced. I have cut off all contact and I have even gone no-contact with my abusive adult children, who share his narcissistic traits and treat me and my husband terribly. How is this different from the silent treatment you describe above?
In this case, being the parent of a song who’s girlfriend is like this, I’m the one getting the silent treatment, lied about and so on. It will drive you to the point that you don’t want to be around them,your panicking, anxiety level is high. I need help to deal with this, as they both live with me.
At present receiving the silent treatment. Time for me to go I think. Sick of being in this circus. I am worth so much more. More than the sad bastard who thinks he is the centre of my universe. Pathetic yes, toxic yes, dangerous yes, is he going yes,yes, yes.
What can I do when it’s my daughter-in-law
Who is Narcissistic as far as I’m concerned ignores me after surgery when unable to drive or instructed not to bend or reach! She lives 4 balks from me! No calls! Nothing!
She will not let me know when my grandchildren are in things at her Church !
My Son is very active with the Country Boy
Scouts and never informed ahead of time
when his kids are in Church functions!
Has anyone had anything similar? She will
Go on an Expensive vacation that I pay for
arrive 1 1-2 days late (still costing me $250.$
for time missed! Never thanks me or mention
a thing nice to me like enjoyed it !
My dear Carolyn, find things that make you happy. You are worth having a happy life. I know it’s sad when you have grandchildren. She will not change and you can’t fix her. Waiting for her to change is a waste of YOUR LIFE.
As ive read some of these comments i remember my 4 years of living hell walking on eggshells..losing my job because he was not safe around children and i was a childcarer. The turmoil and nights spent crying in to my pillow so my children wouldnt hear…i was at my lowest point when i wrote a letter to my family and each of my children saying sorry for what i was about to do i couldnt take the unbareable pain any longer i could only describe it as a very hellish withdrawl where i questioned every segment of our relationship realising it was all built on lies but since im writing this i must still be here right?? Yes i am and i started my journey a year ago that journey started when i cut all methods of communication with him and he got very angry but his anger was no longer something i had to endure. I moved house, i picked up pieces of my life and segment by segment i got there i cried every night until one night i didnt…i thought about him and how i had been mistreated, manipulated, lied to, cheated on and abused until one day i didnt think about him….i became free from walking on eggshells, free from pain, free from mental torture and everything else he done leaving is ur first step on a journey and its not an easy one but im testiment to the fact you can do it and you have to do it he wont change he tells u he will but he wont the only one who holds the power to change your life is you!!!! I picked myself up and you can too i promise one day at a time it does get better and my life is great i spent every minute of my time making my children safe and secure again and they should never have had to go through that but you dont see whats really happening when your in the situation only once you leave….cut him off and dont look back only forward…mine came back last month to hoover me and i had the strength and courage to say f*** o** thats when i knew i healed you will be me one day i promise and when that day comes you will be you again never the same you before meeting him but a stronger, happier you just knowing you came out of the fog and you didnt give up for all those at the beginning of that journey i know your pain and i know it hurts to your very core i know you probably feel ashamed at how you could have missed all the signs just remember they are madters at brainwashing and manipulation you were just the caring, happy, energetic, helpful person he made a victim oh and when you see him with the new source you will feel heartbroken all over again but he is the same person all those things he done to you he will do to her too she just doesnt know him yet gladly let her have him knowing you are free!!!!!!
My mother was and still is narcissistic. If you did what she wanted, e.g. Play the piano and win competitions, it was monetary reward. If you tried to seek out your own identity, the silent treatment. She would say things like, my kids despise me because I am always right, or we should celebrate me on your birthday, after all I’m the one who had to give birth. It was a horrible childhood riddled with silence. Now my daughter doesn’t want to talk to me ever again. She said, now I have the power. She also said I repulsed her. Honestly, there is no way I can’t be narcissistic too if my mom and my daughter are. It makes me so sad. My mother said she never wants to see me again and so has my daughter. My grandkids won’t know me and my daughter will twist it that it was my own fault. I’m sad. I hurt. I’m frustrated and don’t know what to do with myself sometimes.