Imagine a game of football in which the goalposts are constantly moved so that you can never score a goal, no matter how many times you try.

Narcissists will tell you the game’s rules, and then change them as you play. No sooner do you think you’re close to getting their approval – they change it up.

This is exactly what it is like to live with a narcissist – and why you will never be good enough in their eyes.

Avoiding feeling so inadequate means you must look closely into why they make you feel never good enough.

Remember – you are not the problem.

It’s Initially ‘All Roses’

Ah, the sweet, sweet meeting between you and Mr/Mrs Perfect. They tick all your boxes and more—which you didn’t think was even possible.

They align with you, make you feel warm, wanted, and loved, and never hold back when it comes to coating you with compliments and dusting you with delightful promises. 

Life feels fantastic. Things will always be this way. The narcissist has won you over. If it stayed this way forever, it would be like living in a fairytale, wouldn’t it?

This is how the narcissist hooks you in, and leaves you feeling the rest of your life is going to be in their company. Once that initial period has been set in stone, they have what they need to start chipping away at you. 

The Change – The Realization

It’s not long before the flattery deflates and the charm wears off, as the narcissist’s mask starts to slip.

What these are replaced with is a constant need for your steady adoration. They want your praise and attention, and they love everything you give them, as long as they need it. 

You realize that there comes a further cost – you feeling inadequate. 

You ask yourself, “Why am I not feeling good enough? What has happened to make me feel this way?”

The answer isn’t clear at first, but of course, it all starts to make sense when you see the reason—it’s them.

The narcissist has learned how to ask something of you and criticize the way you offer it to them. They find any reason or excuse to complain that what you have done isn’t what they asked of you. 

“What Did I Do?”

Let’s get one thing straight – you didn’t do anything wrong. They want you to think you did – but you didn’t.

The blame lies solely with the narcissist, expecting you to play their games and dance to the beat of their drum, but how can that be possible when they constantly change the tempo and rhythm? 

All you did was listen to them and try to give them something to make them happy, and suddenly it’s your fault. In your confused state, they plant the blame. 

They crave and demand control.

Want to Know Why?

They Don’t Like Your Success

Why would they? If they’re successful, this means one thing:

They are not!

To them, there is not enough room for two people to gain attention, so one of you has to go. 

Imagine if you were to score that goal, with the goalposts staying the same. They would be horrified! At least this way, you would stay unsuccessful, and you would feel bad about yourself. 

Don’t expect them to admit to moving any goalposts because all they will do is call you crazy and laugh in your face. 

They Want You to Never Be Sure of Yourself

Staying confused means you stay unsure of yourself- and that’s exactly what the narcissist wants. They want you to sit in your uncertainty and own it. Rather than find your way back to a path of calm and assurance. 

The narcissist loves a narrative, but only if it’s theirs. If you’re confused, they can rewrite the entire thing to work in their favor – leaving you nowhere else but further confused. 

Gaslighting works for them because they can then see future incidents working in their favor as they remind you of how incapable you are. 

They Enjoy Accusing You of Not Listening

While a finger is pointing at you, it isn’t pointing at the person doing the pointing. If the narcissist feels you aren’t listening or giving them what they need, they will let you know how disappointed they are.

What does that incite?

A healthy dose of guilt – when in actual fact you’ve done all you can to help them. 

This is where so much supply they get comes from – telling everybody that they don’t feel valued. You end up being the bad guy, and they end up being the victim.

What’s Missing?

Nothing! You’re a whole person, with a whole heart. The only thing missing is any kind of level of empathy from the narcissist. 

You will never feel as though you achieve anything, regardless of the uphill climb you embark on to try to do so. 

Maintaining a healthy distance will give you the time and space to see that the problem is the game  they are playing with you. 

The game is not you. 

Once you separate yourself from this twisted game, you can regain control and find your self-worth again. 

Avoid Being Sucked In!

It’s time to see the narcissist for what they are and avoid being sucked into their games any longer.

Writing down a list of all the things you love doing and are good at is a great place to start, adding in the qualities you like about yourself.  You are reminding yourself of your worth, and a narcissist is never going to do that for you.

Think about it…

Do you even need external validation? 

Starting to work on ways to listen to your heart and mind rather than rely on anybody else to give that for you is the only way to go. When it comes to the narcissist, you will be waiting a lifetime to hear how much you mean to them.

Why wait? When can you tell yourself today?

Narcissists Cannot Be Unseen

The time you notice the narcissist for who they are is the time everything changes. You see the real them and understand that every motive has a consequence that has so far worked only in their favor.

This can change and shift the moment you see the injustice. If you are feeling inadequate, start to unsee yourself as the problem because you are very much not.