The Narcissist after the Break-Up

narc and breakupBreaking up with a narcissist is an emotional roller coaster. If you have read other articles or received support from a therapist on how to break up with a narcissist, you will know that the only viable way to do this is with No Contact.  However, this causes the narcissist to experience “withdrawal” from not having enough ‘narcissistic supply’. In his frantic desire to gain a “fix” of narcissistic supply, he will respond in one of two ways. He will either leave, with no remorse or shame for the abuse he has imposed, and seek out a new source of supply or he will immediately swing back into pursuit mode, with the singular goal of winning you back.  A narcissist does not want to be alone and he constantly needs someone to validate him.

Sticking to your guns of No Contact will initially anger and threaten the narcissist, so expect some new craziness to emerge.  The narcissist is relentless when it comes to securing his sources, and he will use all kinds of manipulative behavior to draw you back into the relationship.  He may romance you, seduce you, and charm you just like he did in the beginning.  If that doesn’t work he will resort to more drastic measures such as threatening suicide or saying “he cannot live without you”.  The narcissist will return to see if he can still get his fix from you, or even create supply through your reactions.  The narcissist isn’t ignorant about the pain he’s caused, he just doesn’t care.  As long as you react-in any way-the narcissist will always come back (whenever there is a lapse in whatever supply he’s replaced you with).

Do not underestimate the patience of the narcissist; he will wait to come back until the most convenient time to return.  He will return without offering an apology or explanation. He will come back to get the thrill he wants… the thrill of power- of conquering and controlling. When his narcisstic supplies run out, rest assured, he will be knocking at your door.

The narcissist will dig deep into his ‘bag of tricks’ to re-conquer his perceived opponent. He will be capable of unthinkable and egregious behavior because your initiative of No Contact has upset him to the very core. His nastiness can range from simple verbal attacks to being downright destructive.  Do not underestimate him and be prepared for anything– despite how well you think you may know them.

However, if he knows that you have figured him out, he will not want to be around you for fear that you will tell people the truth.  He is less likely to contact you after the break-up. Most likely the individual with NPD will move on quickly. NPD has no conscience, hence his ability to move on quickly to seek a new victim with more supply.

The Boomerang

Prepare yourself for continued conflict after the break-up for he will fight the decision tooth and nail.  The narcissist will be worried about how you will make them look plus the added effort of having to find another person to abuse. He may suddenly soften toward you, he may seem sweet and probably even claim that he will change for you. A narcissist will try to talk his way back in the door claiming unfinished business or the need to talk.  He will try manipulating you back into the relationship.  A narcissist will come back like a boomerang.  Even after they accept the break-up, they will show up with gifts at your door.  They will want to talk fondly of the relationship.  They will want to control what you say to others about why you broke up.  They need to be in control and they need to still come out looking like a hero.

Perhaps the most confusing and difficult thing when being involved with a narcissist is the crazy- making cycles of breaking up followed by the “highs” of making up.  It is an inevitable process that comes with the territory of a narcisstic relationship. A narcissist will leave you only to return back to the relationship; he will hurt you deeply and then come back on bended knee and beg forgiveness; he will spend excessive amounts of time trying to convince you to give him another chance, only to revert back to his old ways as soon as he realizes you have once again committed to him.

Narcissists take advantage of your good nature and they know how to get you to feel sorry for them.  At first he will show acts of being loving, compassionate and supportive; he will promise to change and he has a natural ability to fake tears and emotion. He may acknowledge the error of his ways and promise it will never happen again. The conquest of getting you back is like a drug to him; the narcissist is a junkie when it comes to obtaining his sources of supply. He needs his fix whether it comes from new narcisstic sources of supply or old sources.

These boomerang cycles and the conquests make him feel alive and give him a thrill.  This is why the narcissist will use every known lure, going to great lengths to reel you back in again, only to immediately revert back to his old behavior after he has succeeded. Realize, too, that any type of reaction from you is considered narcissistic supply; your reaction whether positive or negative is irrelevant.  If he can’t get a good response from you, he will try to elicit a bad response…any reaction from you gives him his fix.  Do not feed his addiction.

Quick “Fix”

It doesn’t matter if your relationship lasted months or years, the narcissist believes he will always own you and that he will always have control over you. He is arrogant and truly believes that all people he is, or was, close to can still be manipulated despite the passing of time

They will ignore the boundaries that you try to set. Giving these emotional predators the benefit of the doubt or forgiveness is like giving them the rope to hang their victims. They prey on individuals that are forgiving or are romantics.

Most victims of a narcissist want to believe this boomerang behavior is based upon genuine desire to be back in a relationship with them and wanting the relationship to work. Unfortunately, a narcissist is only returning back to the relationship to get a “quick fix” on his addiction.  The narcissist will put on a great act and use his best performance to lure you in and conquer you once more. As time passes, the way he treats you and the cycles of idealization and de-valuation begin to re-establish themselves. This process continues on, even during the break- up stages. If you validate him by reacting to him in any way, shape, or form, he’s got his fix and will move on to the next best supply. You may feel intoxicated by his change of heart and behavior and take him back but the minute he realizes that he has you again he will immediately revert back to his old cruel behavior.  It’s a mind game and the only reason the narcissist continues to come back is to ensure that he still has you right where he wants you- where he can control you.

Summary

In summary, expect continued craziness after a breakup; given time the ensuing craziness will subside to a more manageable level if you do not take him back.  When the narcissist finds a more reliable source of supply, he will skip off without hesitation and show no signs of remorse, guilt or shame.  You on the other hand, are left heart- broken as well as emotionally and mentally exhausted.  You will need to remind yourself that narcissists are incapable of change, and that they are incapable of genuinely loving anyone.  If you take them back after the break-up, the roller-coaster ride will be ongoing and the boomerang cycles will continually repeat. Break free by sticking with No Contact and get support from those who have also been through it (support group) or from an NPD experienced therapist.

 References:

http://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/life/what-to-expect-after-the-break-up-with-the-narcissist/

http://www.ehow.com/how_4871106_break-up-narcissist.html

http://getoveranarcissist.com/narcissist-break-up-cycles/

http://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/dear-narcissist-a-break-up-is-the-end/

 

 

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About Alexander Burgemeester

69 Responses to “The Narcissist after the Break-Up”

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  1. Brandi says:

    Thank you, deeply.

  2. Maripaz Lara says:

    That was a great post. I was with one for 4 years married to him for 2 years. I thought he was my knight in shining armor. He was trying to mirror me by pretending to be someone he is not. He made me feel I was the only woman on the planet. As soon as I was hooked and was on his way regarding pornography, prostitution, online dating and his womanizing ways he was verbally and physically abusive. He was a brilliant liar and great actor. The last time he hit me was 12/12. I am unemployed, living with a friend and he depleted my account. He did try and tell me he misses me but due to my love for him he sucked me in with his web of lies. With my current situation I decided going back last month. He said too late he found someone else. Wife number 3 who like exactly like his daughter. He met his match. I filed for divorce on 3/13. The best thing I did was no contact it has been close to 2 months. If I stayed I will be so affected mentally and emotionally.

    • veronica says:

      I realised over a year ago that the person I was with has N behaviour. Anyway I took him back after he promised to change etc. What intrigued me or got my attention about your post is the fact that you mentioned Pornography! This was the one thing I discovered about him earlier this year. He has an obsession with porn but lies when confronted. I saw it on his pc. His phone. Even saw text msgs to women whose details he got from one of the sites. I thought it was nothing at first but the more I came across these I knew that it is an addiction. I feel sick by all of these things I have discovered about him. We aren’t together anymore and I’ve been trying to stick to the NC. Its working thus far and yes it isn’t long but everyday I pray for courage not to be sucked in to his web. Its quite sick reading all these things that so well describes him.

      • Edna says:

        Wow, seems to fit me to a tee. I lived the exact same situation in a boomerang for 5-years. The porn, the lies, text messages from women he met on these sites with nude pictures attached. The straw that broke the camel’s back was that I created a fake profile on a dating website with all of my demographics, but withy fake pictures attached. He emailed me requesting to date me..I then confronted him and he became very hostile…the last exchanges we had were him attacking my character and my family…I have since blocked him on all social network sites and email…it’s not worth your self-respect

    • Michele says:

      I have a question, I am currently dealing with the break up of my psychopathic/narcissistic baby’s father. I met him almost 2 years ago. Initially he wasn’t my type, however he was quite persistent. One night, while I was on Vacation from school, my roommates and I were all drinking and smoking lots of ganja, he called me claiming he was in the neighborhood. I had been dating (not sleeping with) several guys, just playing the field. I was cute, carefree, and single so why not? Anyway, so that night, we were hanging out, I remember most things quite clearly, but we went into my bedroom, and were kissing. I recall reaching my arms around him, and after that I completely blacked out, I woke up the next morning completely nude and wrapped in my comforter. I called him and asked did we have sex last night and his reply was, “Did we have sex? Oh you don’t remember? Well teach you to fall asleep.” This was still in the honeymoon/dating phase. Well a few weeks went by, I found out I was pregnant. I am very catholic, however I noticed many things about him that were alarming. So I told him not to worry, I will schedule an abortion. He asked me why I would want to do such a thing. I explained that I have to finish school, that I really cannot afford a child, that I was SLEEPING when he impregnated me. We were not in love, we barely knew each other as of approx. 4 months. He instantly becamse enraged. He yelled at me, called me selfish, a baby killer and many horrific names, because he was “prolife”. So finally given my religious views, (yes I know sex before marriage is a HUGE sin) I decided that I would keep the baby and not terminate. This was after he told me he was taking me to terminate, and he instead took me to a prolife clinic in which showed me slide shows and pictures and terrible images of aborted fetus’. I caved. I chose to keep my baby. As time went on, he went through the entire pregnancy with me, rubbed my feet, took me to appointments, brought me what I craved, and did everything a babys father was supposed to do. I mean almost overboard. Before I was pregnant, he once rang my doorbell at 11pm, my bestie/roomy (a guy) and I were watching tv and wondering who the hell is ringing the doorbell this late. It was him! We both thought it was a little creepy. My roommate was like dude he needs to call before he shows up. Anyway, so at my 8th month of pregnancy, he left me in another state, with no money, and no where to go. I was so distraught. He managed to make his family hate me, particularly his co dependent mother. She would say terrible things to me like, “We said not to abort the baby, we didn’t say keep it” When we found out my baby was a boy he made me feel defective in some way. When the ob announced that my baby was a boy my baby’s dad said, “A boy! I already have one of those!” And he became very angry. The dr looked at him like he was a freak and asked, “Why does it matter? A baby is a baby,” I personally had no clue what was transpiring yet. So I laughed it off as though he really wanted a girl. He was creepy, before we found out what the baby was he would say things like, “I really want a girl. She’s going to be so hot! She’s going to have a nice ass and lips.” This was quite disturbing to me and I confronted him. Why would you say this disgusting thing about your daughter?? YUCK!! Anyway, so he devalued and discarded me at 8 months pregnant. His mom is his biggest fan. She told my best friend that I might as well stay gone because no one is going to help me when the baby comes. Well I birthed my son alone, I didn’t know I was in labor and ended up having an emergency csection. His mother called a week later claiming he was going to add the baby to his insurance at work. I could have died birthing my son due to my condition. We talked once before I had the baby, I was in the hospital, he said, “Ya my moms in the hospital too.” I thought is so strange that a 40 year old man would be more concerned with his mom being in the hospital than his baby’s mom. I felt rejected, hurt, humiliated, used, and destroyed all at once. I felt violated. Anything I said in my defense he would turn around, so now his mother hates me and the baby. Well he never saw our son until he was 8 months old. I read about reproductive coercion. Where someone deliberately impregnantes you to have utter and complete control over your life. The minute I let him back into my life, he started the same bs but amplified. I hadn’t (still haven’t) fully recovered from the distress he caused me while I was pregnant, and the isolation during the first 8 months of my sons life. Well after I attempted to expose him, he became quite abusive verbally. I did not know you should never try to expose them, this makes you an enemy to them. Anyway, so I tried to talk to his mother, she was NOT hearing anything. She has resolved that this entire situation is single handedly my fault. When I explained that my 3.4 gpa plummeted to a 2.0 due to the pregnancy, (high risk) she chastised me saying, “Well there has to be consequences right?” Anyway so we currently reside in the same city, I have resolved to return home with my son. His mother called my grandmother stating that if my son stays with them, they will find a family and give him to adoption. Feeling desperate, depressed, overwhelmed, emotionally drained, exhausted, I decided to let him keep my son for a bit. Well that gave him even more power supply. He constantly tells me he has all this dirt on me to take my son from me, but his mother says my son couldn’t stay there, and to be honest in a sick twisted way I think she is my saving grace because she doesn’t want anything to do with me or my son. There are several other details, but I don’t want to write a novel. My question is did you and your ex have children? And if so has he ever tried to use them to gain access back into your life once you left for good? My plan now is to leave and cut all communication. I am a beautiful person inside and out, and I do not deserve the way in which I have been treated. Just recently he told me he left my son in the care of some lady he never met, didn’t know her last name or address, and I found that it was one of his girlfriends. They both lied to me. He’s trying to make me look irrational and insane in front of everyone. When I reacted to him playing this terrible mind game, he was eerily calm. He patted my sons head and said, “Don’t worry, we will find a good home for you.” Like wow! I’m so hurt and frustrated. He currently has my son and I’m afraid he will attempt to make me look unstable, so he can give him away, to further hurt me. Please help I hope you read this, I am desperate. When I told him I was getting my baby and never looking back, he said, “you have to let me see him. Especially if I have to pay child support.” Basically I feel like he will always have a foothold in my life, because of my son, I feel he planned this entire situation strategically, and I feel so lost, alone, and empty that I’m deeply afraid that he will use my son to destroy me forever. This situation has left me thinking perhaps I should place him for adoption and sever ties with his father. But I love my baby so much. If only I could get away from his dad. I told him I will not accept child support. If he wants to sign his rights away completely I would be willing to do so. But he says no. I feel there is absolutely NO reasoning with him. Please help with any advice you can offer. thank you. And I’m sorry about your experience. I can feel the strength through what you’ve written. And I’m hoping to grasp some sort of understanding, and advice

      • Kelly says:

        Hi
        Take your son and keep strong.Do as much research on narcissistic personality disorder as you can.As you will be co parenting limit all contact with your son’s father.Please don’t let this narc destroy you.You will if you give your son up for adoption.May I suggest you google Melanie tonia evans? She has helped alot of narcissitic abuse victims.
        Good luck..be strong..i know its hard but you can do it.Dont be too hard on yourself n take each day as it comes.He is the one with issues not you,Don’t suffer because of him
        Remember always your a good person ((Hugs)) X

      • Melissa says:

        Hi Michele,

        What you’re going through must be tremendously hard. I will try to give you advice on a few fronts but you have to be in the mindset that only you can pull yourself out of this mess, okay?

        First and foremost, since you’re a Catholic, gather up strength and start praying to god to see this through for both you and your son. Ask for forgiveness for anything you feel you’ve sinned on, ask for strength, give your pain over to Christ, and also praise him for giving you the love of your life, your son. No matter how, how he got here realize that your child is innocent and the only one deserving of your love and admiration at this time. Don’t give him up if you love him so much, he needs you. Also, realize if this man is truly as manipulative as you’ve mentioned that he WILL NOT be victorious when the deal goes down because that’s evil working through him. But for you, as a child of god you just need to rely on him to help you through.

        With regards to your baby’s father, you need to realize that you are not crazy and their is NO reason why he should have power over you. With that said, cut all communication and only speak with him when its in regards to your son. Take it as far as limiting him only being able to speak with you via email. AND SAVE THEM. Especially, if he says nasty things about you or your situation, which him being a narcissist, he probably will. If you have to meet with him in person, take a family member or friend who you trust with you and even record conversations, if need be. These are all things that can help you build a case about his character if he goes as far as pushing for custody of the child. Your friends/family members testimony can help.

        Seek legal consultation, or do research on this custody hearings, so you are prepared. If he refuses to ever give your child back that can be seen as kidnapping also.

        You seem like a smart woman, and I know how hard it is to get away from someone like this. Its scary and they have basically, broken you down.

        I know you are a student who is juggling a lot, but your spare time (maybe even once a week) to help you return to who you used to be, join new activities you would never think of joining like a sport or a cooking or legal class. Get involved with local charities, youth group, elderly home, or work on a a political campaign. Make yourself a better version. Look for single moms clubs or make one for yourself and build your friends group. Sometimes you may find advice from people in the strangest of places.

        If anything, you will feel better about yourself and you can show how you are a viable person in your community and a good example for your son while let’s deem your baby’s father, HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED probably won’t.

        Last of all learn to laugh again. Bring sunshine into your life and be hopeful everything will clear up. Your life has endless possibilities and I know you can find them! :)

  3. caitlin says:

    Great post. I definitely click with the behavior patterns and scenarios described. I do however wish that the narcissist depicted was made gender neutral. Thanks again for the insight

  4. pretty says:

    I iam going threw the same thing right now we have been together for 3 and married for 1 and it has been the worst year of my life. I just want out, what should I do I have no job nust had a baby 03-13 a 5 and 9 I cant take it anymore.

    • diamonds says:

      Pretty,

      I am now divorce for a yr now.. from a 14yr marriage. there were up and downs.. mostly it was hell. he manipulated my child against me while in his toddlers yrs up to the age 8, until my child was old enough to see that dad lies.. it killed him.. the trust he had built through the manipulation his dad did..was traumatizing.. my son wanted to kill himself. at the age 8 and still is a suicide risk, now at age 14. My husband was and still is destined to destroy my life.. I could never get a job, for each job I had he showed up to work and in one way or another got me fired.. or I had to quit.. I didn’t feel my son was safe alone with his father while I was at work at times.. because the break-down he had.. because he says he could trust me with coworkers. or enough out of the house for that matter. he didn’t trust me with family members of my own blood. trust me.. if you have doubts of this ever being a good or even normal marriage. get out.. while you can.. its a lot harder to do later on.. when you have years into your unemployment or lack there of. you will be ok. you can do this.. he fooled you and isn’t the man you thought he was. counseling will not work.. because he will make excuses but then he will find another way to con you and the people around you. even your own kids.. until someone gets seriously hurt whether its mental, emotional, or physical.

  5. Echo says:

    I was married to a narcissist for 10 years and we had three children together. I ended the relationship by filing for divorce, but co-parenting and visitation prevent me from having NO CONTACT. He now uses our children as tools to abuse me. He continually crosses boundaries and violates court orders. We have been back to court several times. A few years ago the court reduced his visitation to only three times a year and allowed me to move across the country from him. He still flies to my state to exercise his visitation, so he can maintain contact with me. A psychological evaluation was conducted during our last custody case and he was found to have a Personality Disorder with narcissistic, paranoid, and anti-social traits. I had difficulty getting the courts to understand the behavior exhibited from these traits and how that behavior impacts my children. Emotional abuse, lies, manipulation, and favoritism, are prevalent during visitation. Since these don’t fit under the criterion of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or neglect, child protection is unable to help me. All three children are in on-going counseling, but my ex claims the problems stem from me. He recently filed for full-custody again so we are in yet another court battle. I want nothing more than to stop the abuse and the continual court cases. I feel like I will never be able to escape my abuser or protect my children from the abuse they must endure because I left. Do you have any advice or tips on dealing with a narcissist when NO CONTACT isn’t an option?

    • Karen says:

      I just came across this post and i felt i was rading about me. Echo, i know EXACTLY what you are going through. I was with my Narcissist for 12 LONG YEARS and when i decided to finally leave him (it took me years as had 2 young kids) he said he would make it a blood bath, which he did.

      I went to court SEVERAL times, too many to count as soon as my child was 12, i did NOT have to deal with my ex. Contact was done through my son, as he could decide when he wanted to see me etc. Narcissists have a great way of manipulating and of course pitting your kids against you. they are very good liers, actors as you know.

      I went to counciling for several years, and what i always remember is that the councilor said, when your children are older they will be able to decide and make their own decisions on who to believe. They of course, believed their dad as he was very convincing to them and of course as you know kids are impressionable.

      I can tell you that now, one of my kids came around when she began an adult. ON HER OWN> I stayed away, ALTHOUGH it was hard. Now at 21yrs old we are close. She realized that it was her dad. She saw first hand of the different women going in and out of ther life, and none of his relationships lasting.

      I am not in contact with my son, as he is still manipulating him, but i’m hoping that he will come around in his own time

      I am NOT saying this is easy. I have cried ALOT of tears, never being able to understand how someone could be so cruel. He still tries to get back at me, indirectly. I had to get a restraining order. In spite of all this, i still dont regret leaving him and all the grief, to get away from him was the best thing i did for my sanity

      Stay Strong, get counciling. its is a long and difficult path. You will see the light, it might be months, years, but know its a better life without this blood sucking guys!!

      • melanie says:

        Karen ….every detail of your story is almost exactly like mine….25 long lonely hurtful and degrading years I was married to a man who showed no concern for my well being ….after he left me for the 3rd affair I chose not to take him back…..my god the night mare of divorce ….my eldest son was completely brainwashed as were friends and family….my eldest daughter and youngest son stayed by my side….the worst part of my story is after suffering such torment through those years you would think I would recognise the signs of an abusive man….I ended up jumping from the frying pan into the fire and had a 5 year on and off relationship with a man who in many ways was more emotional abusive than my ex husband….these type of men pray on woman freshly separated or divorced….I see now how vitally important it is to find the strength and take as much as is needed to receive professional help….so as to reflect and heal before contemplating any relationship ….my involvement with these 2 men almost killed me by my own hand….my self esteem …self worth…my identity were crushed… I was stumbling through life numbing the confusion and shame that was inflicted on me day in and day out by these men with drugs and alcohol….I am now well on the way to recovery….for the first time in over 30 years I can look myself in a mirror and say I am proud of me and this is my life to live …my son now speaks to me….it has been a long hard journey for not just me but my children as well…..I am proud to say they are all loving and well adjusted adults now….I may be 50 this year but this is the begining of my life :)

        • michelle says:

          I was married 8 years then divorced. Had a on /off relationship with him for 16 more terrible years..we have two kids who now are adults. The reason I even stayed was because we had a child with severe autism and the fact I didnt want my kids to grow up without a dad like me..I made all the sacrifices to make that happen..he took no responsibility for his visitation refusing to do them and giving me the lamest excuses..no money always sick .blah , blah..yes he was cruel to the point he showed psychotic behavior along with being a narcissist . He got off on making me suffer..He never gave me any help or breaks and eventually with the stress of caretaking a adult for twenty years with autism I was depleted . I had enough . I was already getting help for codependency but the more I learn I realized what he was..a monster..he kept me isolated from the world and the autism didnt help it either. I was so alone and wanted to die..thankfully the lord showed me the answer . I know now that I have to love myself and deep down I didnt I let myself go in my appearance I didnt care about myself anymore..He is a good liar and actor..He really didnt care at all that I was having health problems with all the stress. He just worked me harder..I put into place the no contact then after feeling more healed I contacted him and placed boundries on parenting issues ..Havent heard anything back not surprised at all . Im so glad to have seen the light and get away but I feel so sad for my disabled son who loves his father very much it is breaking his heart and mine. I am trying to find myself again and going to therapy to mend my mind, body and soul. I never had a healthy relationship ever and I am 45years old..but its never to late to love yourself. U all are brave ladies and am praying for us all.

          • Kelly says:

            Hello. I was a part of a narcassists life for 28 years. I got married at 18 and dealt with his criminality infidelity and lies. By the grace of god I went to college for 12 years and have a great career .i let him back in our lives 6 years ago as he convinced me he had found god. After two affairs I finally had the courage to kick him out 7 weeks ago. I cried for the first weeks and have been angry for the last. He is sitting behind me now at my daughters recital and I want to turn around and hit him but what I know is he is clueless. I am 41 and I draw myself from christ. I did a tapping exercise a few days ago and I think it helped. I’m praying for u

        • debbie says:

          Melanie
          Your story is my life. I’ll be 49 and I’m finally at peace and I have my children’s love. They see him clearly now. I’ll admit some days the hurt rears its ugly head and my brain just wants to make sense of it all. But you can’t make sense out of crazy. God bless all of us, that we get strong and stay strong.

          • riteonthenail says:

            Its unbelievable the comparisons of these evil men. Mine also brainwashed the spirits of my sweet sweet children, and to see that happen hurts more than the destroying of my own soul and spirit. Ive been away from this man for 14 years and yet he still has a pull on me as long as my kids are under his hypnotic spells of brainwashing and charming. He has nearly destroyed every thread of respect they have for me or my family and they disregard even their favorite holiday with no gifts for me, not even on my bday or Mothers Day. Its not enough that he takes them on my Christmas time but that he eats up my very own days also??

            One day i do believe God will be the answer.

    • diamonds says:

      I’m going through the same thing.. the only thing I have found is to be best.. is only text communication.. when its needed to communicate at all. do not talk over the phone and if he calls, do not answer it.. he can manipulate the courts saying you had a different convo then you really did. add the text only communication into the parenting agreement.

  6. Eleisha hayes says:

    I am so angry this man stole my youth. I am now 38 I met him when I was 26 he was 48 he used me I allowed this now I feel like running him over he is 60 a crack head and I was as well. I can’t believe I let him in so deep. I have a strong hate for him

  7. Eleisha hayes says:

    I am so angry this man has put me in a terrible position I know he means me no well. I have nobody I can talk to this man has really hurt me I hate him and I wish him harm

  8. nic says:

    I broke up with my ex narc in march after 16 years and 3 children. As soon as he left he has been spiteful and nasty to me and the kids. He’s totally ignored them and doesn’t ever phone or see them. He’s with someone else now and so in love. They are now moving away and 2 weeks ago they got married. … less than 6 months after he left. He did this without telling the kids and they have never met her. What are the chances of this relationship being real and lasting and what are the chances of him trying to come back? I don’t want him back but I’d like to be prepared just in case. Its just so hard to get my head around all if this. X

  9. de laet says:

    Zelfs een paar maanden doet zooooo vreselijk pijn je gelooft in een nieuw en goed leven je kan het niet geloven maar alle teksten kloppen hij in mijn geval dan houd alleen van zichzelf.Waarom heb ik dan nog verdriet?

  10. Bec says:

    I was with one of these horrible ppl for 2 years. Best way out after goin back to him 12 times was an avo after he hit me. Get an avo which involves no contact of any kind wat so ever! They can’t return!!! They can’t suck u back in! Iv been almost 4 months now an I still hav my bad days but it’s going away. He tries still to get at me threw other ways but there has been zero contact since the day he was arrested! It’s a hard thing to do but ur sanity is worth more an the avo makes him not contact u an if he does he goes to jail so either way u are rid of him.

  11. Vanessa says:

    Ive been in a relationship with a 36 year old N and Im 28. He makes me feel crazy! Im starting to become like him, which scares me. We are constantly off and on, I always go back. But this time Im gonna stay strong! FCK N People, soul suckers.

  12. Shelly says:

    I was in a relationship with an N for 8 months. He was one of the strangest people I have ever known, but fortunately I found Sam Vaknin’s you tube videos. Thanks to the information I was able to research, I learned a huge amount of information on the subject. Fortunately I was able to use this information and apply it to my situation. You are right. They are emotional suckers and don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves. Unfortunately for him, I threw him out of my apartment, changed my phone number, and moved back to where I lived before I met him. I know one things for sure! I haven’t given him a second thought in more than 6 months, but I am sure he will think about me every day for the rest of his life. Awh, sweet justice.

    • Mrsee7 says:

      Actually… he won’t. He will not think of you at all. At least not in an empathetic, normal, human type of way.
      thinking about you would require some sort of emotional connection or human reaction … he’s not human. Narcissists are like aliens… parasitic aliens. They don’t think like you and I.
      soooo…. if he does think of you, it will be in a very distorted, surreal, evil kind of way. A version of you that’s not at all close to who you really are.
      Stay away. no contact.
      You know you’re over REALLY OVER a narcissist when you stop trying to put yourself in HIS SHOES (human trait… he’s an alien), when you stop trying to guess what they’re thinking, why they do what they do, why they think they way they think, etc…
      you will never understand because you are HUMAN. they aren’t. they denied themselves the ability to feel a long time ago. they voluntarily gave up their humanity. the reasons were probably valid at the time they dissociated. they are fossils now. zombies. monsters. aliens. you pick the best symbol. no ONE can heal them or save them.

      • Melissa says:

        That is so interesting. That a traumatic experience happened at one time to them and they dissociated themselves. They denied their self the ability to feel, so now they have no feelings in their relationships. Hurting people for attention and gratification.

        • Mrsee7 says:

          precisely. that’s the trap. empathetic people will try to justify their way by looking at their past. truth is… they prob don’t even remember why or what led them to be who they are now… truly cruel people. again, best approach, NO CONTACT. that is the true way to dignity, healing, inner peace and ultimately genuine, long-lasting happiness. not an easy road, but it’s the only TRUE road. good luck to all.

    • Mrsee7 says:

      oh and good job for dumping him and staying away! courageous indeed :)

    • Fern says:

      Hi Shelley

      Did your ex try to contact you after the break-up? All the articles I read say that we should expect contact, but I haven’t heard from my narcissistic ex since I ended the relationship three months ago.

      I changed my number immediately. He may have tried to text or call. I’ll never know. I also stopped going to the support group we both attended (and where I met him – it’s his hunting ground.)

      When we were together, I told him that I’d done NC with previous exes. He said I wouldn’t have to do that with him because he wouldn’t stick around where he’s not wanted.

      I think he knows me well enough to know that I would only change my numbers when I’d reached the point of no return. Also I think that in his mind, not contacting me proves that he is better than my other exes, who had to be silenced.

      But maybe I’m wrong, maybe he will contact me at some point. I’d like to hear if your ex contacted you. It sounds like you sent a very clear message. Is that what it takes? If so, then hopefully I will not hear from my ex again. I’ve stuck rigidly to NC.

      Thanks in advance.

      Fern.

      • karin says:

        He will contact you once he sees you have moved on. Do not give in he

        will repeat the same old behavior just to finish what he started. Continue

        to be strong and be happy!

  13. CJ says:

    It’s interesting that the comments of all these people dealing with narcissists are dealing with men older than them. I am 24 and have recently been a victim of a 36 year old narcissist. He already had a new victim lined up before I figured out and left. This is helpful, thank you. I have been responding to him, but I now understand why it’s only hurting me by giving in to his pathetic attempts of validation.

    • Renay says:

      I think a lot of younger women get in relationships with older narcissistic men because many of them look younger than their age and many, my friend in particular lies about his age. Oh yeah, he lies about f****** everything! For those of you who keep falling back into their clutches, please keep reading on line. It took me a few months of reading articles and blogs to realize what a monster he is. I was a widow and he strolled into my life manipulating me for nearly a year. I bought things for him, spent all my time with him, and allowed my life to revolve around him. Just as he planned. He was engaged when we met & I had no idea. He keeps all of his associations separate, disappears with no explanation, and lies lies lies! I think he hates women and only has sex with women he sees as disposable whores because he cannot understand sex goes with love. It’s funny how everyone who meets him thinks he is gay. I think he is so obsessed with everyone being attracted to him he doesn’t care if nits a man or a woman!
      Remember, everything I have read says don’t walk away from these people run like he’ll and don’t look back!

  14. Paul says:

    I find it strange when a woman is hurt and dumped by a male partner the male is subject to being called a narcissist . So what this artical states and others if a man tries to fight to get his partner back he is a narcissist but if he tries to move on and show no hurt he is also a narcissist. It’s mostly females replying to all these types of articles so really it’s only males to have this behaviour patten ?! If you look at the thread it seems the females are angry ! I feel it’s misleading

    • Andy says:

      I think you’re reading a bit too B&W into this. It’s not a matter of what but how and why. My ex-N wanted me to stay for reasons beyond my comprehension. If you truly wanted to fight for you relationship you do it and try your everything to save it, to fix it, to make the other feel good, you show you mean what you say and take responsibility too. Not to take hurting immediatly to new heights after you’ve given a chance and blame it onto the other.

      What puzzles me in these articles/blogs though is that far too often the N example is a he. Do recognize N’s exist in both genders.

    • Luscious says:

      Paul,
      I can really see where the problem here lies. Men who are victims of Narcissistic Women usually find it embarrassing to comment or make mention of the abuse.
      I was raised by a Malignant Narcissistic Mother who suffered every symptom on the list and more. I consider her a N Sociopath, and believe me when I say that from my own experience with Ns, My mother is the absolute worst and there is no N man that I know of who could compare to my mother’s viciousness and manipulations. I also have 2 sisters, a brother and a niece who are full blown Ns. They are all defective, but again I will point out that the women are far worst than my N brother.
      My last boyfriend is a Narcissist Alcoholic and even though he hurt me, I find myself more angry at my mother’s abuse than my ex.
      When I compare the 2, my mother wins in the most vile and evil person on earth!
      I am also grateful for her sickness because it helped me to react accordingly with my ex N and was able to get out with my dignity, and teach him not to mess with me. I set my boundary and cut my losses early. I was able to see the signs clearly after a year of his abuse, “something” was so familiarly “wrong”…in the same way I felt with my sick MN Monster of a Mother.
      I found my own power within and put a stop to the abuse by involving law enforcement, I had him thrown in jail and from there the judge established NO CONTACT which gave me the peace to rebuild my life without him.
      8 months later I am living a much better, more peaceful life and he slyly has found a way to get in touch with me. We have 2 young children together, a 1 yr old and a 3 mo. old.
      I will never use the “norm” to assess my situation with this freak of nature. I do not care that we have children in common, since he has a horrible disorder and abuses alcohol, and he also pleaded guilty to assaulting me while I was pregnant.
      If my children never know their N Father, then more power to me in raising them. “Never let your guard down” and do not fall for their pretentious games…..I was emotionally tortured and physically abused by my N mother for over 30 yrs of my life, and believe me, NO CHILD should have to deal with an N parent EVER!

    • alice says:

      @ Paul, I wasn’t dumped, he wouldn’t have dared have left his woman who he totally controlled on every level.I was with him for 12 years, suffered extreme abuse..of all types from him, he wasn’t getting any better, only worse. He never would except any blame for anything, including cheating, beating me and raping me.He never fought to get me to come back because he wanted to make something good happen out of all the bs, NO..he wanted me to kiss his ass, do whatever he said..and not ever think he was wrong about anything.This is not normal behavior, it’s not a normal relationship..he’s not normal! Fighting for something you believe in, or love..that’s one thing, fighting for control…that’s another! He still hasn’t gotten over me leaving him, done some very low down rotten things to me..trying to get ppl to think of me as a nothing. That’s because he was in such fear of ppl finding out about him, his evil mind..and hands! he even tried to have me put in a mental hospital, by the judge! It was a horrible split-up.I ignored him, totally..but he wouldn’t stop..and still continues to this day.I should have known something was way wrong with him in the very beginning, he always spoke of how he was getting DSS to investigate some old GF..always hurting someone, because they had to levae his abusive ass! he certainly doesn’t take a break-up normal, no..it has to be something done about it..she has to pay for it! BTW, he demanded that i go back to him in a letter.Tried to tell me that it was all my fault, I was really messing up by leaving! Until you have dealt with someone with a NPD, you don’t know how these ppl do things..they are not normal! When you express to someone you are very unhappy, tired of the abuse..and no longer have any love for them…and want to split-up and all they can do is tell you “you are gonna do what I say, what i tell you to do, you aren’t going anywhere, because i said so!”After 12 years of pure hell with that man, no..I no longer loved him at all by the time I left him..I hated everything about him, I let him know this to! Why would he want to be with someone who hated him, hated the sight of him? Because he could still make me do his will, or most of it anyways. I know what it’s like to live with someone with NPD, it’s awful! Maybe the word is thrown around too much,not all break ups are because of narcissistic abuse, but too many are these days! When we can learn about certain types of behaviors, we can have a heads up and not get overly involved or too attached to them.I knew something was very wrong with him, but hadn’t heard of NPD..until 12 years after leaving him and divorcing his sorry ass! i hope now that i would see some of these traits earlier on in ppl, so I know how to handle myself around them.His violent rages, at home and at anywhere..were to just break me down, embarres me so I would feel even worse about myself and to give himself more authority over me.That is not love, that’s abuse…he wouldn’t leave the marriage..i had to.When he started trying to contact me, to demand my return…having a catholic priest call and tell me “my place was with my husband!”That was his way of getting pity from ppl, his wife had left him..poor thing..he’s such a good husband why would she do that? He told anyone who would listen, that i had left him because i was on drugs, had a boyfriend..or whatever sounded bad.That’s not a very good way of winning your love interest back is it? The way he conducted himself after i left him, well..it showed his mental problems clearly. I never even thought of going back to him, i was done ..had enough of him! i was his narcissistic supply..and he needed someone to tell him how wonderful he was, how great he was..it wasn’t going to be me!

  15. Lopez Mara says:

    i have work hard and tried everything i could to get my lover back but nothing works out for me to get him back, till i came across a great man profile called Dr.Kasee a love spell caster that helped me get my lover back to me wethin the period of 2days i want to say with his great power he has save so many lifes and relationship he was the only man i contacted and his magic really brought my ex back for in case you need his help for your relationship to be restored you can email him onimalovespell@gmail.com

  16. Cathy says:

    i was propose to be marriage by a love one, but he suddenly changed his mind just because he found him self a new love, my heart was broken and so devastated to the extend of committing suicide, a friend of mine introduce me to a powerful doctor called Dr. KATE. When i first heard of him i never believed his powers until i emailed him, after having some conservation with him, he did a spell for me and my ex lover who promise to marry me later came back to apologize to me, today we are happily married. All i can say now is thanks to Dr.KATE, if you need any help from him contact him with this email omozokpialovetemple@outlook.com, he is a very powerful spell caster.

  17. Haley says:

    My Name is Haley. I have been rejected by my husband after 5 years of marriage just because another woman had evil spell on him and he left me and the kids to suffer. One day when I was reading through the web, I saw a post on how this spell caster Dr. Book have help a woman to get back her husband so I immediately contacted him through his email address testimonytemple@gmail.com and he replied immediately and told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me get back my husband within 3days. I believed and gave him the information needed and in three days my husband came back to me.

  18. Louise says:

    I read a great article that taked about “no reaction” if no contact was not an option

  19. sarah says:

    After 10 years relationship with my boyfriend, he changed suddenly and stopped contacting me regularly, he would come up with excuses of not seeing me all the time. He stopped answering my calls and my sms and he stopped seeing me regularly. I then started catching him with different girls friends several times but every time he would say that he love me and that he needed some time to think about our relationship. But after l contacted Dr.okaya of spell cast temple he cast a love spell and after a day, my boyfriend started contacting me regularly and we moved in together after a few months and he was more open to me than before and he started spending more time with me than his friends. We eventually got married and we now have been married happily for 3 years with a son. Ever since Dr. okaya of okayaspellhelp@yahoo.com helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before

  20. jessical says:

    Greetings to every body that is reading this testimony.

    Me and my boyfriend were seriously in love for six years and we were planning to get married but one day he came to my house and told me he was no longer interested in our relationship simply because he was dating another rich lady who promise to buy him a car and to sponsor their wedding. And i suffer heartbreak for seven months and i was not tired of loving him.so i take a bold step by contacting a spell caster who help me bring my ex boyfriend back. he is powerful and great his contact is Kumalovespell@gmail.com you can also contact him for help

  21. isabel says:

    After 20 years of marriage to an N, I have been emotionally exhausted. Physical and emotionally abused, and I couldn’t leave because I lived on an isolated island and had no money. He controlled everything. By a stroke of luck, we ended up having to move to a city. I got a full time job. The abuse continued but I bought 2 doorknobs with key locks. One for my bedroom, one for my study. I live in those 2 rooms. If I divorce he will leave me with nothing just like he did his last wife (bankrupt). I have my own bank account, I have a JOINT mortgage-free home. When the time comes, I’ll leave him or I’ll wait till he dies (his father died about 8 years older than he currently is) and joint assets will be mine. I would have left early on if I could have, but now I’m just playing it smart, protecting myself, getting out of HIM all I can and having patience. I will win in the end.

  22. lady says:

    Do they ever break up with you but demand that you not tell anyone that you guys broke up? And they still waby you to live with them?

    • peter says:

      yup. mine broke up with me, but asked me to redesign her tramp stamp tattoo, and if she could still come by for sex since she “was so aggressive she didnt attract any males at the moment”. she also hid it from her parents (who actually initiated the breakup by banning me from her house) and from her friends. ow and of course she kept saying she loved me. she is a total liar and a fraud.

  23. Ash says:

    Things have been very rough for the last few months with me and my girlfriend. We have been dating for the last 4.5 years and we’ve had our share of issues. While I always thought it was a conflict of personalities, I have recently come to realise that I might have NPD which has been the trigger to all our issues. I feel devastated as I think she was a wonderful person and I messed things up so badly. Finding out that that I have NPD has been an eyeopener and I have been seeking professional help for it. My girlfriend says she has had enough and wants to leave me. I’m really upset as what we had was really special and it breaks my heart to know it will end. What I want to know is if anyone has any knowledge of NPDs who get to realisation and how that could possibly impact their behaviour and lives? I don’t think I’m a terrible person, I did not ask for a disorder that does not feel emotions. HELP!

  24. williams says:

    My name is williams and I base in uk…“My life is back!!! After 1 years of Broken marriage, my wife left me with two kids . I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a spell caster called High Priest OLORUN which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet,I came across allot of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was about a woman called Sonia,she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 7 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped High Priest OLORUN ‘s e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. High Priest OLORUN is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man… If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try High Priest OLORUN anytime, he might be the answer to your problems. Here’s his contact:{OLORUNLOVESPELLHOME@gmail.com

  25. lilly says:

    Am Lilly from Texas USA i want to share my great experience to the whole world about how i got my lover back to my arms after we departed for 4 years i never taught that i could have him back in my life until i met this great man named Dr MAXI OWOLABI who showed me true powers of spell, Me and Larry Broke up 4 years ago ever since i have not been my self although i have been in several relationship i have not seen who is as good as Larry, so ever since i have been thinking about him, so i had to tell my friend about how i feel for Larry that i wish if i can have him back to my arms, so that was when my friend told me that she was reading a love review the other day when she saw how somebody commented on how she got her lover back with the help of a man named Dr MAXI OWOLABI. So that was how i told her to show me the site were she read the reviews so that was how she showed me and i saw so many reviews about this great man how he helped a lot of people even the sick, without wasting anytime immediately i collected his contact and called him and told him what i want, he just laughed over it and told me not to worry that he will come back to me, so that was how i waited to see what will happen, so surprisingly i got a call from Larry. i was like this is a dream, but later realized that it was reality, Larry was crying and pleading on the phone that he missed me a lot that i should come back to his life, i was like is this real? until he came to my house and went on his knees pleading to me that i should forgive him, so that was how we got united again with the help of great DR MAXI OWOLABI, and now we are happily married, thanks be onto Dr MAXI OWOLABI for what he has done for me, if you need his help you can contact him through owolabilovespell@hotmail.com o his phone number which is +2347059144152 and you will definitely testify of his great help and powers.

  26. Molly says:

    Hello my name is Molly, my life is completely back!!! After 2 years of marriage, my husband left me and our kid for his ex wife. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I was told by a friend of mine how a special spell caster helped her to solve her relationship problems with ease, she gave me this spell caster’s mail dr.sanuspiritualtemple@gmail.com for me to contact him and that my husband will surely come back to me. Only 48 hours after I contacted DOCTOR SANU my husband came back to me and begged me for another chance and that he regrets ever leaving me and our son or his ex wife. I was shocked because I haven’t seen or heard from him for more than 3 months. I don’t know the word I can use to describe this powerful spell caster DOCTOR SANU but I bet you don’t want to miss this spell caster’s help, he is such a blessing to earth.

  27. Gerene Tokioka says:

    I never. Knew what a NPD was until just now. My current ex as of today just broke up with me. He’s always been the controlling type. It’s either. His way or nothing. And claimed that of he doesn’t get his way, its going to be big trouble. For 4 yrs I thought it was me. I’d hide the ongoing relationship and thought if I’d change I could make this work. I truly believed this was my knight in shining armor. After this God shot of scrolling through the internet, I now know what he is. Thank you Jesus. Now that I know what this is I will seek help as soon as possible.

    • Mrsee7 says:

      Good luck to you.
      to truly understand Narcs check out Sam VAknin on youtube. He’s a narcissist himself so he’s an expert, but limit your consumption of his stuff to the very basics. the last thing you want is to be listening to another Narc for a prolonged period of time. after you understand the basics, transition to Melanie Tonia Evans. Check out her Narc Abuse Recovery Program. this is not a SPAM post like the one below. she is truly an expert and healer when it comes to this stuff.
      good luck to you. this is one of the worst experiences you’ll go through in life, but if you survive and overcome it, you will be amazed at how incredibly strong and wise you will become. it takes TIME… but it’s TOTALLY DOABLE. I’m living proof of it. good luck to all!

  28. GRACE says:

    I was in a 2 year relationship with an amazing man. We were very much

    in love and talked about the future often. As time went on, I started

    to have many insecurities, fears and doubts about his love for me and

    my attitude and moods began to change as a result. We started fighting

    often and after six months of a rocky patch between us, he ended

    things.I was completely devastated and heartbroken. I couldn’t function

    or make sense of life or what had happened between us. After a month of

    feeling like my world was over I started to look for hope anywhere I

    could find it. I started searching the internet for stories that were

    similar to my own and came across many sites referencing the Law of

    Attraction. Having read The Secret in the past I immediately went to my

    bookshelf and read it again, cover to cover. It was then I realized

    that all my negative thinking had contributed to the demise of my

    relationship but I had hope that it could be undone. The principles of

    The Secret always resonated with me but I never truly applied it to my

    life.I started keeping a journal and daily I would write things like
    “I am so happy and grateful now that we are in love again”. I put

    together a vision board with pictures of us when we were happy and also

    cards and letters he had written. Before I went to bed every night I

    would send him love, light, and all the warmth I could muster, although

    sometimes it was very difficult. I knew in my heart that we were meant

    to be together and focused on remaining happy and confident in my

    convictions. I noticed that as time passed, I truly felt grateful and

    positive every day. The sadness I once felt had turned into hope and it

    was easy to manifest lots of the other things that I wanted in my

    life.until i meet Dr Wicca online who gave me four days automaton that

    my ex will come back, i never believed him on his spell.not when my ex

    came back just after the days that Dr Wicca said.my ex came back

    begging for forgiveness and now we in love as never before.met him on

    his email:(traditionalspelltemple@hotmail.com) and enjoy your

    relationship and marriage.

  29. C says:

    Wow!! This is so spot on! Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve read a lot on narcissism since I got involved with this man & I can say from personal experience, this seems to be exactly how they are. Sad but true. It’s so hard when you still care so deeply the person & have to keep reminding yourself of what he is capable of so you can keep up the no contact. Recognize the initial signs of a narc & steer clear!

  30. Flora says:

    Dear friends, I am from united states i had a problem with my husband 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, i was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me. until a friend of mine Walt Pen told me about a spell caster who helped him in the same problem too. i emailed Prophet Clark the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and was so happy to have him back to me. we have two kids together and we are happy. thanks to Prophet Clark for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work the great spell caster. email address him on :prophetclark@blumail.org

  31. Anne says:

    I am glad that I found this post..im in the middle of getting out of the relationship..all your comments somehow ease my pain …Thanks to the writer and everyone who made a comment..wish me luck guys!!!

  32. Samantha says:

    It’s amazing to find posts like these. Especially when you’ve just recently left a Narcissistic partner. I know a lot of times that word is thrown around too much to describe men that really aren’t narcissistic. However I truly believe I was in a relationship with one for 6 years. The relationship consisted of me basically being his puppet. I had to do exactly what he requested. If I didn’t I was subjected to emotional abuse that eventually began to turn physical. He never complimented me, yet got upset when others did. Rarely said anything nice about me yet pointed out my flaws and constantly put me down and call me names everyday. When I would try to leave he would tell me I was a horrible mother. That my kids deserved better than me and he would do everything in his power to take them away from me. I believed. Eventually I would find out that he would contact prostitutes. When I would question him he would tell me that I was crazy and insane and that’s why no one would ever want me. He also constantly tried to meet new women. Then once the relationship was great he would leave me. While he was with them I would have peace. He would leave me alone. However one the relationships ended he would revert back to harassing me and doing anything to sabotage any new relationships. Leaving is hard but it can be done. If there are kids involved on communicate when absolutely needed. Keep the conversations strictly about the kids. The longer you stay away the easier it gets!

  33. sonny grosso says:

    Very interesting reading each time I see a post. I only wish the “HE” could be changed to a “THEY”!
    Keep the information flowing. It’s helping!
    Thanks!

  34. jojo says:

    I just recently had a very intense 3 mth relationship with someone I truly believe had NPD. They came into my life when I was most vunerable & now Im left an emotional wreck.
    The relationship started off amazing thought I was so lucky to have found this person. Then once we started to settle into comfortable it was like flicking a switch!! Only way to describe their behaviour is like Dr Jeckyl & Mr Hyde. Only had 3 arguments in the short 3mths but wow… huge!!! that was enough to see something was not quite right. This person would start the argument & then it was like game on! They would emotionally blackmail & manipulate things around to suit themselves so that I was always to blame & they came out smelling like roses. Because I am a strong willed person & when I didnt agree with them the argument would always esculate to where they would end the relationship. But the arguing would still continue & then it would be me to just back down… then they would come back… they had me always questioning myself… during the course of the arguments they would change there reasons as to why we were arguing half a dozen time… was far from consistant & I couldnt follow what was really going on… complete head game!!! after the last argument they ended the relationship yet again… broke my heart!!! But they werent satisfied with ending it & just walking away… they had to keep coming back to try to convince me that it was all my fault & that they were such a great person! Even when I was at my lowest they seem too get great pleasure out it. Even though they had ended the relationship they continued to ask for sex!!! & when I declined would make statements like “you cant fight me & you cant resist me” & when I did resist them they would get very nasty & even make threats!! Its been over a week since we broke up but this is only my second day without hearing from them. During the course of the relationship they were always looking for admiration, praise & complement… like all the time! Used to go on & on about how good looking they thought they were & more importantly how others thought they were so good looking. Was a perfectionist & obsessed with there body. Lacked understand & empathy towards others even in their own family. My needs came second to theirs & could be quite demand like a spoilt child. They always felt they were better or superior to everyone else…
    I am feeling a little stronger as the days go by & can see them for what they really are… just so hard when you were in-love with them. Feel like I just stepped off a train wreck… Just hoping & praying that he keeps his distance…

    • BrokenHeart says:

      Wow, I feel like I could have written this myself!!! You described how they are perfectly…or should I say how perfect they think they are. It is a train wreck, I know I feel awful for loving him, but it was hard not to when they’re in the initial stages. Thank you for your post!

  35. Joe says:

    I got married when I was 21, my wife and I have two sons, over the age of 21. Over the years I have always felt that I was living with a schizophrenic. I used to be a lively person but I feel that part of me was gradually vanishing. From time to time I feel depressed because of her comments and behaviour towards me and sometimes feel embarrassed the way she treated others. My boys do not show her a lot of respect due to the way she talks to them. I didn’t know whether she has a problem or whether I am really never good enough for her. Either way I do think there is something wrong in our relationship. There were times when I thought wouldn’t it be great if I were dead or if she were dead so that I do not need to cause her so much anguish or I don’t need to feel depressed any more.

    A couple of years ago a friend of mine introduced me to different types of personality disorder which caused me to sorta wake up from the spell. My kids were by then 20. I thought it was time for me to start living again. So I told her I’m moving out after one of her big wobbly. Initially she seemed fine with the decision, we even signed a separation agreement. She got herself a boyfriend who rediscovered great sex with her. I found myself a nice girl as well. So I told her it’s time for us to consider preparing the divorce papers and that I’m seeing someone new. She suddenly became another person. Long story short, she tried everything to get me back, while saying that she’s not trying. Kept pressuring me to give ‘us’ another try despite knowing that I found someone who knows how to love me. And threatening me that my new girlfriend will eventually desert me from my sons… One of my son started having sympathy for her probably because he is left living with her. Her connection with that son has actually grown stronger as a result of our separation. And she knew she has tempers but she’s changed for the sake of keeping the family together. Most importantly since she has now left her boyfriend, I am the one who is ‘breaking up the family’. In a way I feel very guilty about not putting my heart into trying it out with her after so many years of marriage. Another part of me wants to give myself a chance to actually have a life.

    Now I just feel broken in a way. I have no clue how to have no contact at all with my wife when we have kids and business together. She kept telling me that SHE is part of the family, i.e. the two sons and her are a package. Abandoning her means abandoning my sons as well which I know is not true. However the guilt somehow is eating me up. It is not making my current girlfriend happy as well. To get my wife off my back, I’ve agreed to give her over 75% of what we own together already! still she’s still asking for more. I know she is not the nicest person, but she’s making my departure more painful than having an amputation of a limb. Sometimes I even think that I probably should for the sake of keeping the family together go back to her. Strangely enough I still feel some love and fondness for her, despite her behaviour. After reading a lot of materials on NPDs I’m just afraid she will never change. I really don’t know what to do. A big part of me does not want to break up the family, while I have no confidence that we will work. I know getting a new girlfriend is probably complicating the matter but my situation is not making the new girlfriend happy either.

    I just want to see if anyone here has similar experience and share your views on how to really have a clean break with a npd wife when you have kids and business together.

  36. ms. newcomer says:

    I have a newborn baby girl with a married man who is narcissist. In the beginning he was happy about our pregnancy. Four months before she was born he dumped me without a reason. I live across the street from where he works and I see him from time to time but not intentionally. He never
    speaks he just stares. I left a message stating that we needed to talk about our daughter and when she was born I informed him also because I need help and I applied for assistance. I have not heard from him. I’m a college student its very hard doing this all by myself I don’t have resources to pay for child care. Is there any advice please feel free to share. Newcomer

  37. CV says:

    A Narcissist is jux lyk a pest,as to wether u tell them you are not hapy or not they jux don’t care all the need ix sum1 they can abuse emotionally,dz guy I am with I taught ix a lover or a friend I love him so much and don’t want to let go cos his the 1 for me ba he jux doesn’t care about how I feel he claims to change but still repeats same things like;even when am sick he doesn’t wait till am well before he starts to think of ways to get staffs like money from me to solve his own problems.the relationship is all about him and his problems always that’s all we talk about his problems I have no say when I do he gets angry and tell me that’s his lyftyle I have to leave with it @tyms he says” I will change”but never does I got fed up since on countless occations he promised he will change so we can be hapy so I broke up with him 2 days ago letting him knw dat if he is ready to change he can do dat 4 anoda hu he feels deserve dat.eversince dat dae he calls and disturbs me with messages which til nw I havnt answered any of e calls or message.at e beginning they r very nice and sweet ba lyk myn he started to show up signs as early as 2months after I accepted him he startsd accting unsatisfied wit anyfyn even till e past 2 daes we broke up and each tym u wana brk up wit dem dey try pullin u bk wit emotions n u feel descieved wen u realisd u r foold,he even poisoned himself and did so many stupid staffs as I promised to let go of him.although am nt hapy but I ope to get over him soon.

  38. MK says:

    Thank you for this . I got involved with , what seemed like, ” Prince Charming.” He was supposed to come out to LA from NYC, for a short stay. He ended up, moving in… Only to leave me , every few days with some made up chaos. I could be sleeping on the couch with the dog – the dog was on the couch?! Somehow, he felt, “unsafe?” He would leave for days/ weeks. Only a few texts. If I called, he never answered. He claimed to be with his family. I discovered that he was on dating sites. All -my fault , of course. He has put me down so much, and destroyed my peace. My doctor wanted to send me to the hospital , because my blood pressure went up so high in 1.5 weeks. He asked- ” what did the doctor say?” As I began to tell him that she said that I needed to relax, he drove my car into the bumper of the car in front of us. He said : I need to eat! This isn’t my town ! We drove to a restaurant , and he parked me , in the Sun ,while he went in for food. We have said , goodbye, so many times. This last time, I was having a rough go of things but was silent. It was the anniversary of my mom’s passing. He was back in NY… With other women. He let me go, after just wanting me to move , there, the week/ day, before. He had me call up my landlord and give 30 days. I said : okay, be well. I understand. Meanwhile: Charlie Brown’s teacher , is all that I could hear. I knew that he had others, even dangerous liaisons . He confirmed the latter, while drunk on wine and ego go go stuff. I was already over it. The pattern of hot/ cold- love you/ you whore… Well, it gets old. Lol
    I have blocked him from my phone/ social media. It is such a blessing to read your posts. It gave me , clarity. That’s my one way ticket out of the spin . Thank you. Brightest Blessings.

  39. Ness says:

    I’ve read this post a few times and haven’t left a comment until now. This was the final time I left the relationship (number 7). Hit Rock Bottom from leaving going back etc. Three months this time and not going back. Blocked alot of contact, but still got e-mails. He was in the hoovering stage again. This has gone on now for this period of time, in the mean time I worked very hard on focusing on my own life. So glad I did, things went quiet from him over the weekend. I knew I was probably in for an emotional hit. Well, received an e-mail telling me he now has a girlfriend. Translation: a woman he is prepared to tell me about. This followed with I wouldn’t have her in my life if you hadn’t left me but you always have the control. A couple of other e-mails followed with how much ‘better’ or ‘normal’ she is than I and how refreshing her company is. He has admitted to me he can’t live without love, he tells me that she really likes him (there is the adoration he is after, the reflection of granduer) I imagine she has supported his tragic tales of what he had to put up with from me. She has also lost her daughter and sister, what a terrible tragedy in life for her. She sounds like a compassionate woman with a bit of vulnerability. Bingo! New victim. So, he is still making manipulative advances to me, still on dating sites but now has a girlfriend. I couldn’t help but send him my last message. Basically, you haven’t changed, you are deceiving this woman right now. Do the right thing and look after her. Focus on her now, she is your girlfriend. Time to leave me alone. I must admit the bit about I was 95% responsible for the abuse hurt me, as did the she is normal comment, but this is just more of the same when he is in hating mode. Really, for anyone out there experiencing the same thing and finding it hard, think…if they are so happy in themselves and with their lives and the new fantastic girlfriend why are they still getting in touch with you. Anyway, I see it as my final hurt, cried for 5 minutes, having a day where I’m not fully focused, but that’s about it. In the past I would not have gotten out of bed for days. So ….I must have healed enough to handle this better. Yeah! He’s gone!

  40. Immaculate says:

    I’ve been so hurt by what has happened to me. Long story short, this narcissistic woman is my first love. I lost my virginity to her when I was 16. She is the only person I ever loved, and ever had a ‘long-term’ relationship with. I’m in college now in a country town where everybody knows everybody. I don’t know anybody. I’m new, and alone. I only have one way of communicating with her, and that’s through email now. I used to write her every now and than, but now I really want to email her one last time since she is giving me the silent treatment. I want to tell her that she is a narcissist. Let her know that eventually she will get tired of living life the way she is living it. Enlighten her by telling her what I know about her, and tell her to enjoy her amusement while it lasts. I really want to tell her that this lifestyle that she is living is classified as a ‘disorder’, and is considered abnormal. I want to tell her that she will become exhausted from the cycle; maybe not now, but when she becomes an elder. Before she becomes an elder, fatigue will set in – along with depression, bitterness, unworthiness, and other negative traits that will support the fact that she may/will never be happy while in this cycle. She may never be happy period. The ample amount of boyfriends and sexual partners will become dissatisfying, luring her to involve herself in worrisome and even more gregarious activities that may lead to only God knows what. Maybe she will make a better effort to get better? Maybe she will strive for happiness, and leave her drug alone? The drug that she’s using is just as worse as alcohol, weed, cocaine, heroin, ext. It’s all in the same boat, because they all do the same things. Do you think that she will change once she knows who she is? If you think that she won’t change, do you feel as though I should become a narcissist? I have potential… I know you heard of this phrase, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”!

  41. Darlene says:

    I could identify with some of things mentioned in this article, however I am not a victim. I was a volunteer, with no self esteem. After many countless days, weeks, and months of abuse I found the strength to stop answering his calls. I didn’t want to see the truth. I didn’t want to face what I had allowed. The behavior that was unexceptable showed up right away but I was so desperate to be love and we had alot in common so I tried to fix it and ended up very sick as a result of me not see the truth. I am 14 days out and I am praying that I don’t fall back into the delusion of what really was. I am not a victim

  42. OW says:

    After years I found out I was one of 20-50 girls that the N is spinning around. I found out that he had had a girlfriend all the time (different ones) and I found out that he had also started having a new girl friend. I found a list with the many girls names. I saw him text to different girls right after we had had sex (him unknowing), girls he knew, + his girlfriend + he went on a dating site and I believe he texted a man (!) and send his picture. I know it sounds silly but I was in love with him so I could not leave. I have tried it all; the discards, the triangulation, the gas lightning, the stalking, the projections, him getting almost violent.. He adores the teacher role and he adores all the attention from all the girls sms’ing him and pleading him to meet. To all of you women who have been the official girl friend/wife and who maybe discovers an affair or two: BEWARE! This is only the tip of the iceberg! They are serial cheaters (if somatic). Nobody will ever get him for real. Don’t take it out on the OW because risks are high that she is just one in a million and what do you know she may have been there years before you and he in turn never told the OW that he has a girlfriend or a wife. They are monsters. Mine is a good looking one and the sex is simply the best. I cannot leave. Yes I am in love with a monster. I don’t know what to do. It is terrible. My whole life has transformed to the negative because of him. I lost many friends. I lost my work. Maybe I will loose my life.

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