Last Updated on May 31, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
Why would a narcissist get married? And why do they often rush to RE-marry?
How can someone who has a history of cheating and lying, who lacks empathy and compassion, and who has proven that he/she has no desire of upholding their vows… get remarried?
Narcissists often rush into marriage and then a remarriage. If narcissists are afraid of intimacy and commitment, why and what would possess them to want to marry so fast?
Is there something in the narcissist’s mind about the ‘new source’ that makes them more prone to such a drastic step?
Why Does The Narcissist Get Married?
a Motive for Marriage
First, narcissists always have motives. When a narcissist rushes into a relationship and remarries quickly, you can be rest assured there is SOMETHING in it for them.
It could be money, fame, friends, assets, power, control-there is always something in it for them. Always!
Self Image
Second, narcissists are always concerned about their image and narcissists to need people more than the typical person does.
Narcissists have very specific reasons for being in relationships, but their reasons do not reflect the universal need most of us have -which is to love.
Narcissists do not enter or stay in relationships for love.
They become involved in relationships to ensure their needs are met and obtain Narcissistic Supply.
Attention
Furthermore, narcissists are addicted to attention. Securing it is their dominant drive.
If his ‘new source’ provides him with the ability to obtain that which he could not achieve on his own, he will go to great lengths to secure this as a constant source of Narcissistic Supply.
There is almost nothing a narcissist won’t do if he thinks it will bring him fame.
To him, there is no such thing as bad publicity. Any publicity is good publicity, even through marriage.
Do Narcissists Remarry Quickly?
An additional point to make is that the narcissist considers himself special and not understood by just anyone.
He or she feels they are unique and rare while most other human beings are common and ordinary.
Therefore, a narcissist will only associate with others of high status or intellect, for they feel ONLY these people can possibly understand them.
Thus, a narcissist evaluates whether he wants to develop a relationship with someone on the basis of their utility.
How useful a person will be to him is the measure of their worth. He chooses friends and his partner(s) based on how well they can help him get attention or reach his goals.
It is not uncommon to find when a narcissist remarries it is to someone younger to promote their self-image as being younger.
Depending on how ‘worthy’ the victim is in obtaining his goal, will also depend on how quickly the narcissist moves in their relationship.
In reality, a narcissist chooses to develop relationships only with those who are perceived as superior, attractive, or unique in some way.
By associating with others who attract attention, he ensures that he will never be deficient in Narcissistic Supply.
The Narcissist and The Unstable Mind
Since there is no complete control over the quantity and quality of Narcissistic Supply, it is bound to fluctuate.
The narcissist’s view of himself and of his world is correspondingly unstable. As “public opinion” ebbs and flows, so does the narcissist’s self-confidence, self-esteem, sense of self-worth, or, in other words, so does his Self.
The narcissistic personality is unstable in each and every one of its dimensions.
It is the ultimate hybrid: rigidly shapeless, stanchly flexible, and reliance on the opinion of people whom the narcissist undervalues.
The narcissist’s lability is so omnipresent and so dominant – it could be said that the only stable trait they possess is their instability.
The narcissist does everything with one goal in mind: to attract Narcissistic Supply (attention).
He asks not what he can do for the world – but what the world can do for him as far as Narcissistic Supply goes.
He falls in and out of love with people, workplaces, residences, vocations, hobbies, interests – because they seem to be able to provide more or less Narcissistic Supply and for no other reason.
It is not uncommon to find chaos and instability in the “career narcissist”. This narcissist marries, divorces and remarries with dizzying speed.
Everything in his life is in constant flux: friends, emotions, judgments, values, beliefs, place of residence, affiliations, even hobbies.
Everything, that is, except for his work. His career is his only place of stability. The career narcissist is often ruthless, demanding, demeaning… and highly successful.
References used for this article
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq32.htmlhttp://getoveranarcissist.com/narcissist-narcissism-marriage/
Is a narcissist able to maintain his second marriage?
…Until they get bored and find a secondary supply.
Nope. I left him, too.
no, never knew if I was coming or going, I gave all that I had, NOT ENOUGHT, when he was injured from a surgery I was there for him 24 seven wipe his ass clean up his everyday masses, took over everything around the house. waited on him hand an foot, than he divorce me.
From the narcissist that I know, they can maintain a second marriage IF the new spouse is a giver and feeds the narcissist constantly. However, this same person (woman), is prone to cheating when her husband is not available (working a lot of hours). As long as the narcissist continues to get attention and whatever else they need, they might be able to stay in a relationship. It all really depends on what their spouse does for them. I also have seen how when her husband works long hours, and she doesn’t see him often enough, she goes out a lot more, texts her ex-husband over ridiculous things with their daughter, and has cheated on him. When she remarried a year after her first failed marriage, she made sure everyone knew “he was the ONE”. She got pregnant right away, so she could get more attention, bought a HUGE house so she could show everyone how successful she was after remarrying this amazing guy. As long as her life continues to appear fabulous, she will keep this guy around. Poor guy…he is really nice, and she takes total advantage of him. So, I guess if they marry a doormat, it could work.
Well put, I’ve never thought of it that way. I don’t know the Narcissists new wife, but was friends with his first wife and she was a total door mat to him.
Then why did he leave the first wife if she was a door mat?
Hmm. I was a doormat and the narcissist left me.
Wendy,
Try not to take it personally. I know it hurts, and I imagine you feel rejected, but those feelings will fade. You will be better off in the long run. But hugs to you until that day comes because it feels terrible until then.
They either leave or cheat. If they left you – congratulations! It’s less likely they cheated on you.
My colleague married a female narcissist. She hasn’t left him yet (3 years and counting) despite constantly threatening him with divorce. But she spends all of his money, refuses to work (no kids), lives in the gym, and asked several women in our office if we knew any ‘guys with money’ that we could introduce her to.
She is incredibly blatant about trying to cheat. Not sure if she’s actually managed it, but she travels abroad by herself frequently (she’s not from here) and is entirely focused on her appearance and going out partying while he works. She acts like a teenager, spending all her free time drinking and smoking pot, despite being almost 40. So it’s not a huge stretch of the imagination to think she will end up running off with a younger model (if she hasn’t already). But while he is still earning a decent salary, she won’t actually leave him.
Having dated my own narcissist, I believe them leaving is the far better option, albeit still painful. If you leave, they stalk you. If they cheat, you eventually find out and it destroys your confidence even more. If they leave, at least you can get therapy and start over with a clean-ish break.
Wow… this is the exact situation that my ex wife isn’t in. I caught her cheating red handed and left. One year later, she has this guy wrapped around her finger, had a baby with him, got a new house… same stuff. I wish I knew how long it was going to last as I know it is going to effect my two kids. This guy that she married is pretty successful financially. Not sure if like atteacts like in cases like this or what…
This was very helpful. I am going through a divorce right now. I am still trying to figure out why he stayed in our marriage so long.
I fill the same,I found friends he was not happy wanted to to break it off with them, he lost his 24 -7 wife I’ve been call everything in the book, I’m 70 years old unbelievable starting over, sometimes I can hardly breath
I did not know what, and really who I was until recently. My first marriage went along the path of codependent and narcissist. Great at first then distant and unhappy. The manipulation was very subtle but the flashes of rage was not. After that divorce my second wife was 15 yrs younger, ego boost and all. It seemed grand until my son was born then the cracks appeared, I wanted her for just me. She is an amazing person that has made the wise decision to leave me. I do feel love for her but that something that I’m missing that drives my behavior leaves me only guessing. She lead me to therapy, and gave me the gift of knowing who I really am, then went away to be happy.
I wish my soon to be ex-husband could have that much insight!
Rediscovering narcissism and interested to read the above comments. The most beautiful eastern european woman came into my life just over a year ago. I was recovering from the loss of a parent and was physically and mentally in very bad shape. Then this shot of light came into my darkness so much so that I thought I’d experienced a hallucination. Oozing with charm, passion, energy and joie de vivre I thought she must have been heaven sent to pull me out of my dark place. To cut a long story short, she played with me for months on end like a cat would play with a sick/dying mouse. Truly I was like a door mat and made the fatal mistake of showing my love/emotional hand too soon (she said.) I was only responding to her overtures but of course was in head over heels very quickly. She looks like a young Marilyn Monroe with high cheek bones – a real trophy girl who, despite a very rough life and childhood looks exactly half her age. I read somewhere the N’s otherworldliness serves to keep them young looking. I’ve lost count of the times she promised to visit me and would then text me at the last minute to cancel. I’d get a “string you along” text then full of exclamation marks an emoticons or even a “selfie” of her body parts. If ever there was such a thing as virtual or cyber sex she excelled in it. This went on for months and we never even kissed properly. Always said it was in her fantasy to have great sex with me but when it came to action…
Promised a few weeks ago that FINALLY she would have time for us…She cancelled yet another meeting and I read her the riot act listing all the things she was/did: self-righteous/lacking empathy/insensitive/never observing boundaries etc. She called me back angrily and chastised me and hung up. Two weeks later and I see photographs of her “new man” on facebook. She’s teasing with her provocative comments and endless selfies. He’s much closer to her in age and looks than I am – more of a trophy good catch. It’s very hard not to feel jealous. Just wish I could have been him. I’m wondering sometimes if she was just using me as a plaything and wasn’t necessarily a narcissist at all. The evidence is there in the literature that they don’t change their spots and go on to abuse the next person down the line…But what would that say about the new man, herself and me if they lived happily after – could, if she was an N. he handle her impulsiveness, mercurial attitude, lack of empathy etc? Do you think if she really liked him/was in awe of him she’d modify her behaviour to suit? ……..and if I hope (secretly) that she burns him out too does that make me a narcissist instead of hoping that she gets better and they live happily ever after?
Just a thought here….the temptation to compare her new companion with you is real…but try to resist. Your life is to be lived with respect to where you have come from but with the greatest courage to love yourself enough to move forward (and find a support system of friends that will help you). Any thoughts of “her” can have the potential to emotionally tie you back to her….look in the mirror tomorrow morning and believe that there are healthy women in the world that can love and can support and genuinely do it from their heart.
I really like your response. Saying move forward instead of move on, is so important to hear. Because you never move on, you just go forward and learn how to deal with the pain and agony of what this reptilian type people do to your life.
That was a genuinely awesome response. I was briefly married to a narcissistic man. I didn’t realize what that word even meant until recently. We were together for 4 years and married for 1. I was his 4th wife and less than 1 year after our divorce he had remarried on to wife #5. I had a terrible accident which left me temporarily paralyzed from the waist down. He left me in the emergency room and never came back. I myself have been divorced 3 times but for my poor choices. I don’t choose well and found myself married to men with different hidden addictions. So, I’ve been single for over 2 years now. At first it was really hard but taking the time to get to know myself, focus on my children and recovery was the best choice I’ve ever made! Realize that that is their problem, not yours. Truly move on, don’t wait for them to come back because if they do it will only be for self serving reasons.
Paul,she has done you a massive favour.Keep looking ahead, blinkers off but aware that people like this have nothing.Empty vessels, it’s all about looks and control with them…remember,empty vessels make the most noise.These Narcs have no shame,conscience,esteem,love (for themselves (not in that way) or for others)..it is like dating a robot.They say all the right things at the right time but it is all done to manipulate.
I had three kids under 10 with one.Exactly one year after I divorced her (she had an affair and i found out), she gives the eyes to a work mate,they now live together in a big-ish house,car each etc etc .
When they all (my kids too) moved in,he moved out for three months.Realising what he had gotten involved with.
Charm offensive from her to him and he moves back in.
If that is love then i am from Mars.
It’s like they seem to share the house, no “family” going on.
Breathe a huge sigh of relief…that could have been you.
Your european teaser was a Narc, you are correct, once a Narc always a Narc. They do not change their spots.
What they do is criminal. Save yourself from any one like this. Recognise the ploys,lies and deceit they use to hoodwink,manipulate and control.
Think Narc, think Medussa.
My sister is now on her 4th marriage and she is a difficult person to understand. She is the one who has filed each divorce and it seems like her past marriages do not end on a happy note. There is usually an event that she seems to orchestrate to finally get rid of the person. With all of these incidences happening she always paints her exes as the bad guy and how controlling and “narcissistic” they were. Her behavior is erratic and she leaves her children home often to go on long trips with whoever is her husband or boyfriend at the time. She rarely listens to anything you say when you talk to her and is continually talking about herself and only likes to gossip about others. My family and I have been trying to pinpoint what exactly her mental problems are and have figured that Narcissism could be a possibility.
I’ve noticed narcissistic people tend to call other people narcissists frequently
I was the second wife to a narcissist. He asked me to marry him after two months. Nine months later we were married, and a year after that I had a baby. When I finally had the guts to finally get away from him, he refused to divorce me or sign paper. He needed that status of me leaving him. He made up some elaborate story to make me look bad to everyone. even went on a “smearing campaign” with ex friends to talk bad about me and get discriminating knowledge about me.
I was finally rid of him, I bought a house for my daughter and I. Because I was stable, he tried sweet talking me and I could tell he was trying to move back into my life again.
Three months later, he found a new victim. Slapped a ring on her finger after 4 months, moved into her house. And is now at my throat for custody. Making up lies, getting PFAs by making up stories about me. His new supplier is giving him money to do all this.
So be very very careful with a narcissist. Take notes for EVERYTHING! I have notes from 2012 about him and what he’s been doing.
Tehy are tricky and master liars. Be very very careful
Oh my gosh, were we married to the same man?! My STBX’s timeline:
2002: meets victim number 1, impregnates, moves in, marries her. Divorce happens in 2006.
2007-08: meets victim number 2, impregnates, attempts to buy a house, proposes, she aborts baby, calls it off.
2008: meets victim number 3 (me), after a very short time together says he wants a baby ( his 2nd). I stop birth control. We are pregnant only a few months after meeting.
2009:Moves me in to the house he bought for victim number 1. Marries me while I’m 5 months pregnant. Hell ensues. Daughter is born.
2010: Hell has gotten even worse. BC fails. I get pregnant with daughter number 2. Get my tubes tied the day she is delivered in 2011.
2011-2012: Living nightmare of verbal, emotional, financial and psychological abuse. Leave with kids in tow in June of 2012. Fight for custody.
2013: I return to the marriage.
2013-2015: Hell day and night. He tells me he wants a divorce.
2016: Leave the marriage. Spend months battling over custody. Get a temporary order. What a joke.
2017: July: kids report daddy has a girlfriend. Kids report she has moved into the home.
August: Girlfriend has now assumed all of Dad’s parental roles and responsibilities.
September: kids report Girlfriend will be their new mommy.
October: Kids report Daddy is marrying the girlfriend on 10:4/17. Kids report upon coming home that both adults were ” sick” and that they ” spent the night at grandmas” and that the GF is now wearing a diamond ring. Both adults change their relationship status on FB to ” engaged”.
We are still married by the way….
Jesus same here. My now ex husban left after finding new supply on facebook after i saved his life sat by his hospital bed 18hours per day for almost 3weeks. Threw me out of our home after 10years together for a woman he never met but who had a house and this fab virtual reality life on facebook. Engaged after a month whilst still married to me. Was hard now a year later i thank god for sending the whore to my life and freeing myself from an excuse of a man who lied took my money and treated me like dirt.thank you
One of the hardest things about recovering from divorce from a narcissist is the “How did I not see this reality? What was I thinking?” self-castigation post divorce. My ex- drifted from job to job, career to career, mostly not working, but always lamenting what his purpose was. (Let’s call it lazy or fearful?). I was very successful in my work and commenced my doctorate part-time while also raising his 3 children (his wife had died). I brought my young child into this marriage. I was divorced from an alcoholic who later died of his disease. And yes, I have gone to alanon and counseling- because in my self-recriminations, I realized my giving nature had lacked boundaries. The behaviors of my ex- deteriorated into controlling and bizarre rants. He refused to let us use air conditioning or heat, yet he was a wealthy man (inherited). We lived in his house (he refused to get a mutual home). I signed a pre-nupt. I paid for household expenses and his kids needs and our health insurance from my salary. We adopted each other’s youngest kids about half-way through the 10 yr marriage (the others by then had gone to college). But he totally flaked out and picked on my daughter relentlessly and cruelly when his youngest was off at college. It finally got so bad I had to leave and counselors told me that he had clear signs of sociopathic behaviors. We tried a reconciliation but his constant abandonment kept occurring. It was as if he was trying to force me to make the decision to leave. His response to divorce is to walk away and not answer emails or calls from me or my daughter (the one he adopted). After our divorce, his first wife’s family came out of the woodwork with stories of his narcissistic behaviors towards his wife and neglect of his kids after she died. They were so enthralled with the hope of me taking care of those kids- they practically marketed him to me when we first dated. (I did tell them that I did not appreciate this late version of reality when I brought my 2nd grader into this situation- feeling they were complicit; they wanted the kids to have a mom who cared. His children stay with me or their maternal grandmother when they are in town, not with him and call me Mom (saint mom- right!?!). We are divorced 2 yrs now. He is now engaged to a Chinese immigrant who barely speaks English. They met on the internet.
Because of the prenupt- I lost all of that money I put into the marriage, and was never reimbursed, even for the years of paying health insurance from my salary benefits. That is a material thing which is easy to let go of. The silence is a strange and cruel behavior that is harder to forgive, not the silence towards me, but the silence toward my daughter. It has destroyed a piece of her. And I feel anger about that, I must admit. An emotion that is never allowed tp be expressed in a spouse of a narcissist.
It’s really a sad thing.
His kids will attend his wedding- I told them to stay out of the business of “warning” Ying- it’s none of their business. He is marrying her on the 30 yr anniversary of when he married his deceased wife. Just bizarro!
I want to let all this go- but I get brain buzz when I’m with all the kids- like at Christmas and with this news of his engagement, I’m stunned. I feel stupid for feeling that!
Please don’t feel stupid. Stop thinking that way. Let go of your financial input like the health insurance etc. Think gratitude. Your problem is now someone else’s, you were able to take care of all the kids as much as you could, you survived the relationship, you didn’t loose your life, your sanity, your weren’t driven to take his life with all you went through. You have your freedom, as in you are not locked up as a result of this r/ship.i could go on and on. Look for all God has done for you and be grateful. U will feel better.
Hi thanks for saying this. I am fresh out of a narcissistic marriage he remarried before the ink was dry …..I too feel as lakes does….
The N. I was married to for 28 yrs just remarried. He didnt tell our kids anything until after the fact and plastered pics all over facebook. We were divorced 4 yrs ago. He married a retired nurse 10 yrs his senior. After a 2 yr relationship. She is a widow. I’ve been told he degrades her and was willing to marry on the condition she provides income to support our adult daughter & grand daughter who live with him. Could a second marriage actually last with these type conditions?
Simple. That’s because I’m not the narcissist you tried to make me out to be. Isn’t is funny that I’m not the one who rushed out and jumped into another marriage…..
This… My ex was engaged a month after i moved out… We were still working on our marriage… At least years what he said. I’m divorced now and he lets his new girl believe i did all kinds of crazy… He said and did terrible things..m still calls me late at night when she isn’t there from Nick numbers and leaves me messages about how we child still work it out… He’d leave her and his kids.. She’s pregnant now with his fifth kid… Thankfully i had no kids. He’s ill… She enables him and he’s disgusting to get and me… But one day she’ll see i feel sorry for her. Their whole marriage was just some prop to make him look like a victim
The vows in our wedding that my second husband and I spoke were the ones we created to take us through our life journey ahead… we took a class called saving your second marriage before it starts….I had a great job and worked with hundreds of people each week as a staff member at a large church….we were married by our pastor….then when I got sick with no reason why shortly after the miraculous birth of our only child he began to avoid me….shortly thereafter he began to ask for a divorce….his sex supply when I became sick was diminished to next to nothing ….I needed love and support and he was not concerned with that….He sued me for divorce after 11 years of marriage and found his new girlfriend one year before that….the message I got is that his need for affirmation is paramount in any way he can get it and I was unable to give it to him…so he found his next form of supply…what did I do wrong? I told him one day that I wanted intimacy in our sex and not just naughty, nasty, sex. His answer was I want sex how I want it….too bad for you. For all those wondering what they did wrong….the answer is loved someone who has not learned to love themselves….love is not on the narcissist list of needs….only the external supply they need to power themselves…either give it to them and let yourself be depleted until you stop being you or respect yourself enough to simply let them be who they are and cut your losses and walk away NOW!
I have recently been discarded from my ex narc and it’s been about 3 months. He had new supply lined up way before he discarded me. They actually were in on it together waiting for her to close on her house so he could leave me and move in with her. He had just proposed to her two weeks ago and we were together 3 years. He spoke of marriage allllll the time yet when we met he was still married but separated, so he says. I am curious if he wouldn’t have still been married woukd he have moved that fast with me? I am having a hard time not looking at this situation as her being better and him really loving her way more than me. By the time he had been divorced in our relationship it was about a year and the “newness” had worn off and he has cheated over and over. He left and said we had too many scars that couldn’t be fixed. Yet he gave them alllll too me. How do I keep myself sane when he’s going on vacations with her and they have this picture perfect family? It kills me.
I was in your exact situation a year ago. Let me tell you how this plays out. You cry a lot. You take his calls and end up being there for him emotionally thinking he’ll ‘see the light’ and come back to you. There will be times that you think this is happening and then one day he’ll go and marry this girl that he left you for. You will have been working on yourself, exercising, getting stronger, doing all those things you’d put off and seeing all those people you hadn’t seen while you were with him. He won’t have the courteousy to call you to let you know hes getting married. When you find out you’ll naturally be shocked, then sad for both of them and then you’ll laugh and laugh and laugh and thank your lucky stars that it wasn’t you. And you’ll never get played again. Your next boyfriend will treat you like a queen and you’ll have learned your lessons. Hallelujah!!!
Thank you this happen to me she got them a house and now they are married. She got him a car he takes his children to their moms and they go on vacation. He said he didn’t like her and if he told her to bark like a dog she would amongst other things he said about her. But he says he’s happy. So many may then why do you keep trying to contact me. Even since he’s been married
And i agreee.Been there. DONE THAT.Couldnt be happier now
You are explaining what just happened to me to a tee. EXACT same scenario. It’s sickening what they do and how they do it, and get away with it. They crush peoples lives and end up on top, again and again, and again.
OMG…I am reading all of these comments and I am shocked, that this is not me making things up. When my husband and I met he told me he was divorced, then after he had me and my kids sucked in he said that he was not divorced but separated and working on divorce. Needless to say he was in a BIG Rush, I just thought because he loved me so much. No, his divorce was final and we got married 10 days later. I have proof that he was not faithful in our marriage. I happened all the time. He got us so far into debt, I could not afford to divorce him…finally I just did…I did not care, I moved out. After about a week he was texting me and calling me again and wanting to work things out. We tried, or I should say I tried, and I could tell it seemed like to me he was living a different life. He had worked on his new girl now for about six months while we were trying to work on our marriage. The last straw is that he physically grabbed me by my neck and threw me down, about a week after that he realized his money train had come to a stop!! So the next, very next day he filed for divorce, all the while for months earlier, telling his family total lies about me so they would hate me. He played his cards well. I pray the next victim does not have children. I could go on and on about the mental abuse. He would take the light bulbs out of the lights and hid them, because he thought it was burning too much electricity. I could go one forever with these stories…its like a bad movie!!!
A few weeks ago I discovered my Narcissist ex husband and his 4th wife (15yrs his junior) are expecting their first child, his 4th biological child or 8th including stepchildren. He had his vasectomy reversed to conceive this child. He will be 47 when the baby is born and his oldest biological child, whom he has had no relationship with since the age of 3, will be 22!
He is a serial monogamist or shall I say parasite! He left his 1st wife’s bed to mine literally the same day; however I didn’t discover this until after him and I separated. He was living with his 3rd wife 5 months after we separated and living with his 4th wife 4 months after leaving his 3rd wife.
Things seemed great in the first few years of our marriage but soon there were cracks, caught him in a few lies, saw how his personality completely changed depending on who was present. The day he physically harmed my son and in the moment I confronted him and looked into his blank eyes, I knew I had to get my children away from this man I didn’t even recognize.
I mourned for the man I thought I married meanwhile he was on dating sites before I left our marital home. After our separation I found out many more disturbing acts he had committed in the years before we met.
He is giving his current wife everything she wants right now, including a child and moving closer to her family and away from our children, because she is feeding his ego and obviously is easily manipulating her with his lies and half truths. I feel a certain amount of guilt knowing this marriage will end like the others have and there is nothing I can do or say to stop the destruction of another family.
HI everyone:
I have recently found out that my ex-wife that i met and married in China then 2 years later came to Canada, my home country, is definitely narcissistic.
When we met wow, just the most incredible woman i had ever known. Treated me like a king. And sexually, my God, absolutely fantastic at sex and also giving me a blowjob, swallowed, etc, like i never thought it could be that good. Of course she told me right after that it was the first time ever she had let a man orgasm in her mouth and swallowed, without me asking.
So fast forwarding to when we came to Canada. She changed, started making me feel i was not worthy of her, made me feel i was an asshole, called me stupid, things like that. Then one day she went she said to meet a gf of hers for lunch and then the library. I got an important call for her about an hour after she left and called her cell, which always if she missed my call she would call me back real quick, but not this day. 6 hours later she called and I said what the heck, what, are u with another guy? and said she had met a customer from where she works on the bus and took him to meet her gf, but the gf got called into work so he asked my wife to go to an afternoon movie at the cinema, and she turned off her phone while there. Long story short when she got home at 6pm she went right into the shower. I was mad of course, and she called him in front of me and said she cannot see or talk to him again. Then i found out she was still seeing him, she called again, in front of me again and said same thing, cannot see u again, but i found out again a month later she was stiil seeing him, fortunately i had taken a job long long ways away and the next week we moved. No he told me when i called him that they did not meet on the bus that day, they had planned to meet few days before. Her contention to this day is that they were only friends and nothing else. So i said then why did you not introduce me to him as your husband and she said he did not want to meet me. Since then there have been a few other times where i, with real good reasons, suspect she cheated.
Anyhow 3 months ago she came to my office and told me she wants a divorce, she does not love me anymore, and we separated on May 3rd. Since then she has totally confused me. One day she called and asked if i want to go to china in September, and i said no. Another time she called and wanted to take me to lunch on fathers day, yet we have no kids together. And then the next day she just argues and calls me loser, stupid, etc. Says one minute if i change some things she might come back, then next minute says we can never by husband and wife ever again. I asked her 2 days ago on the phone if she would help me with the demons i have had in my head for years and she said ok. So i asked her, have u been with any other guy since we separated and she said no, but she is looking and hopefully will fine a guy soon. Then i said, honestly for me, did u cheat during our marriage, and she got all mad and loud and said i told you before no and hung up.
Well she has been on and off since we separated like u would not believe. One day she hates me and never wants to see me, next day she shows up at my office with a bag of oranges she said she bought me.
So a week ago she went to china to visit her family and a girlfriend of hers accompanied her. I asked her are just you and the girlfriend going and she and she said yes, just the two of them. I don’t know why, but I just had that feeling, so I called the travel agent that she uses who is also a friend of mine and asked him, who else went, and he reluctantly finally told me my wife, her gf, and 2 guys.
Now my thinking is this – if u are done with an ex and totally really done, then why not tell them, yea, I am taking a guy I am involved with there also, so get on with your life?
So what i am looking for is a somewhat analysis of what other people think of this whole situation and what they feel was really going on. And i can say she is definitely narcissistic, when i checked this out on the internet after we parted, the signs of one could have been called her resume.
So any comments would be appreciated.
I don’t know if your wife is a narcissist or has other issues. But there are forums like Divorce Busting that have online support groups you might find more posters who can answer your questions or get more feedback.
A woman who is pleasing in bed – well, it’s not really as lasting as other qualities. And yes, some women offer both. But many want sex to be more mutually pleasing.
Any tips on what works best when your ex , a Narcissist, begins an onslought of lies after his narcissistic binge post remarriage? I get way too much release from responding to his texts and emails because he can not constantly interrupt these and I can actually defend myslef when he isn’t spuing lies out and talking over and through any response I have. It feels good to finally get a word in…but yet not the healthiest to respond in length to his lies even in writing….How long will this last?
You asked: Any tips on what works best when your ex , a Narcissist, begins an onslought of lies after his narcissistic binge post remarriage?
I hope this helps somehow:
1. Ignore everything you here or read
2. Responding to any smear, lie, slander, gossip from your EXN, only focusses attention on the actual smear/lie, and you end up trying to defend yourself against the smear; any attention/response that you provide is what the NARC wants, the NARC is pushing your buttons
3. Anything whatsoever that you can say to the NARC, either verbally or in writing or through any third party, is simply giving your EXN a ‘Supply’, and you will just end up feeling pain. The NARC will continue to try to elicit responses from you, as these maintain their control over you, and helps feed their supply needs
4. NO CONTACT
5. NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER (If you have kids together, put a contact management plan in place)
6. NO CONTACT, NO COMMUNICATION
7. In case you were unsure of 4, 5 & 6, NO CONTACT WITH YOUR EXN
Finally, it does not matter what the NARC says about you to anyone, they will be found out of you do this:
STAND IN YOUR OWN TRUTH WITH DIGNITY AND SELF RESPECT, DO NOT LOWER YOURSELF TO THE NARC’S DEPTHS OF HOPELESSNESS, AND REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE ESCAPED FROM A TERRIBLE EXISTENCE, AND THE ROAD AHEAD IS NOW CLEAR FOR AN AMAZING LIFE THAT YOU WILL HAVE.
MX
Everything my ex accused me of, I just apologised for, agreed with her, and just went on my way. I left when I caught her in yet another lie. Glad I did. Within weeks she was shacked up with someone else, a guy she swore was just a “friend” when I asked her days before I left, lol, sending me emails and texts saying she was in Cabo, or the islands somewhere. I just told her congrats, and enjoy, and to let me know when her attorney had the divorce papers ready for me to sign. Sure, I would love to know what was real, and what was her just trying to make me jealous, but in the end, who cares. Everything she has ever told me was a lie, so why would she start being honest now? I’m rid of her and she married the idiot. Her fourth marriage and she is only a few months into 43 years old! Paid 1/3 her rent and offered her a car, but “she didn’t want or need my help” and told everyone else I abandoned her and her kids high and dry…I left her with almost 10k in her account. Someday the kids will figure all this out. Thank God they weren’t my kids though. The week before I left she was trying to get me to have her tubes unties. Her oldest son’s gf was pregnant, so she wanted a kid then too. What a f*cking head cases!
Everything my ex accused me of, I just apologised for, agreed with her, and just went on my way. I left when I caught her in yet another lie. Glad I did. Within weeks she was shacked up with someone else, a guy she swore was just a “friend” when I asked her days before I left, lol, sending me emails and texts saying she was in Cabo, or the islands somewhere. I just told her congrats, and enjoy, and to let me know when her attorney had the divorce papers ready for me to sign. Sure, I would love to know what was real, and what was her just trying to make me jealous, but in the end, who cares. Everything she has ever told me was a lie, so why would she start being honest now? I’m rid of her and she married the idiot. Her fourth marriage and she is only a few months into 43 years old! Paid 1/3 her rent and offered her a car, but “she didn’t want or need my help” and told everyone else I abandoned her and her kids high and dry…I left her with almost 10k in her account. Someday the kids will figure all this out. Thank God they weren’t my kids though. The week before I left she was trying to get me to have her tubes unties. Her oldest son’s gf was pregnant, so she wanted a kid then too. What a f*cking head case!
My narc moved his married girlfriend in four days after ending our 18 year relationship. They are soon to be married and are plastering their gushing “love” all over social media. This will be his 3rd marriage. She is the “love of his life”. Hmm, same thing he told me. And his 1st wife. lol. I wonder how long they will last.
I also find it weird that my ex found someone from the Philippines. He is such a complete loser and the girl isn’t that pretty.
I was married to a NARC and dealt with a lot of dark things from this man. He is remarried to a 28 year old who blames me for him disrespecting her. He met her in August 2014, proposed to her Dec. 2014, broke off the engagement Jan. 2015, re-proposed to her Feb. 2015 and married April 2015. He did this to get at me because I wouldn’t take him back, then she became pregnant and terminated the pregnancy because they were already beginning to have problems. They separated in July of 2015 and she moved back with her parents, she became pregnant again and terminated that one also. All the while my kids are all in the middle of this mangled mess, he begs her back after learning she was pregnant again for the third time and they go on a Family cruise Dec. 3, 2015 that ended in a altercation with my 13 year old daughter. I think she is also a NARC and they feed off of each other well, after the cruise and the Altercation she leaves and has not returned as of yet but comes on the weekends to be a wife and to let him spend time with their 7 month old daughter together. In the midst of the separation he tried me again and when I loss my mom last August he was over the top supportive and stated that if she didn’t return he was divorcing her meanwhile tell me he should have fought for our marriage and that he wished things were so much different for us. LIES LIES AND MORE LIES because he is the same man he’s always been A CONTROLLER, MANIPULATOR, AN ACTOR, A DR. JECKYL AND MISTER HYDE. I don’t know if their marriage will last or not but I care not because it’s not me that he is treating bad anymore. My concern is my children, I have no communication with him or her because I refuse to be in that triangled mess and I hope and pray that it all works out for them. I’M TOTALLY FREEEEEEEEEE
I had a 4 yr relationship with a narcissist. He pulled me in head over heels becoming everything I told him I had been hurt through my marriage to an alcoholic. He was charming, told me he loved me constantly and that he was a lucky guy . A little background? He had been married 3 times and had 3 other long relationships. He told me they ALL cheated on him. I was determined like a fool to be his everything and never let him be looking again.
Well after 4 years, this past fall he sat me down and told me he thought I was in love with a co-worker and had the hots for his sons best friend. I was floored and told him he was nuts . He insisted on making me guilty and would not hear me. He even went so far as to tell me God gave him a dream about me and a guy in a cabin. So he dumped me out of the blue and got a new girl 3 weeks later. I believe now that he got bored or I was not filling his supply like the excitement of a new relationship and he had to quickly get that addiction met so he didn’t feel bad. Breaking up with a narcissist is devastating in that you don’t have a clue it’s coming. They break you down, accuse you of everything and turn it all on you acting like they never ever cared for you . We are not ex’s, we are victims of these people.
So I have a question/statement…idk but here goes. When I met my husband (soon to be x husband) he had a girlfriend that he said was abusive, controlling, manipulative among other things. After 2 years of him struggling to get out of that relationship including her getting a court order to have him locked out of his home…yes, his home…he moved in with my daughter and I. When that court matter and relationship ended we got married and had a baby, registered a business, bought a house, bought another house where we had tenants and the business was going good. I was also full time employed as a Bank Manager. Sounds great right???? Jump to four years later and our son who can now talk and express himself very well starts to talk about this “other person’ that his father has been having him spend time with. He describes the lady’s home, where they went what they do together in great detail. So I ask my husband about it who shrugs his shoulders and sais he has no idea what our son is talking about. He is young and it is probably his imagination he says with a smirk. My son who spent a lot of time with his father continue to tell me things that happen and whenever I ask my husband, who I now understand is an N makes me sound as though I am crazy. He has convinced the entire family that I am crazy. After about a year of this cat and mouse game I got fed up and applied for divorce. When he was served the papers the bad mouthing escalated and the ex girlfriend came out of the wood work. He and the ex girlfriend had apparently gotten back together sometime after we were married without my knowledge. I couldn’t understand how this man could have had two lives and I didn’t know. Anyways, now that the divorce is ongoing they are out in the open. I do not speak to him or even look at him although he still lives at home. His whole attitude is like I have done something to him and he is now out to get me……whatever it takes. He is trying desperately to get me and my now five year old son (who is his only child) out of the house. My daughter is now 22 and still lives with us. I thought that now he was getting a divorce and would be able to freely do what he wanted that he would be satisfied with that but he continue to find ways to torture me or get back at me in a very subtle ways. Amazingly, he and my mother have suddenly become best friends and I have recently discovered that he has put wireless cameras all over the house at our home. I guess my question is, is this normal? Does that ever end even after the divorce? Why is he still out to get me if he and his girlfriend are now free to be happy? How did I become the enemy if he is finally getting his freedom? Why does he have to portray to the family that he is the good guy and that I have done this “bad thing” to him by applying for divorce? I just want my life back. Any thoughts?
I know this post is several years old, and you may have found your answer, but simply put: The reason he tortures you the way he does is because you left him first, and a narcissist never forgives or forgets that because it’s probably the worst type of narcissistic injury they can experience. They like to do the leaving first. Their need for control is what’s at play here, and since you took control by asking for a divorce first, he is trying to punish you and take back the control in any way that he can. Unfortunately, you are permanently bound to him because of the child you have together, which is the grip he is going to hold over your head & on to for dear life (only to try to sabotage you to your child in subtle and indirect ways). Run if you can; if not, your best bet is to go ‘gray rock‘ or No Contact (except when dealing with anything related to coparenting). Leave all the emotions out (even if you’re faking it till you make it), don’t react to smear-campaigning, and use some Hollywood-style PR to get your life and sanity back by not giving him any form of supply at all (through reactions, emotions, facial expressions, etc.). He’ll get bored and wholeheartedly focus on making the rekindled ex‘s life miserable instead of yours. Good luck!
I was engaged to a NARC. I didn’t know until
now he was one. He was a tenant of mine and was dating someone when I met him. When he saw I was alone and vulnerable, he quickly dumped his gf and starting to Court me. It took him a month to get me to go out with him and he moved in with me shortly thereafter. He had two kids both of different relationships. He was extremely smart and full of wise advise. I was enthralled. The first year it was great. He proposed and gave me a ring. Then the hell began. I could do nothing right. He continuously criticized me and my kids. How I was so inept and useless. I stayed in out of fear mostly. I started to notice he was aggressive and violent. He made me do horrible things. The sex was mostly forceful and rough. Almost four years later I helped him ring his child from Chile and I saw the real him. He treated me and my kids like chop liver in my own house. I broke up with him after that and found out later he was already seeing and planning a life with his next victim. He also went on a smearing campaign against me but people that know him and his history knew better. Whatever you do stay away from these guys. They are incapable of loving anyone but themselves.
I dated a narc on/off for 6 yrs. I knew what he was – but we were older and I thought he would be fun. Loved his energy – he was so exciting to be with. In 2011 I married him. Used to the roller coaster ride – I thought I could handle it. Kept finances separate. But as soon as he knew he “had me” — the real him came out. The silent treatments started. We’d fight – no resolution – zero. And he’d pretend like nothing ever happened. It was so insane. But I thought if I kept quiet – life would be ok. I was trying to bring stability to his life. Little did I know – narcs equate stability with BOREDOM. By now – he was cheating ( if not from the beginning!) and grooming his next victim. He kept stringing me along – crumbs of affection and fake futuring making me believe he wanted things to work. Um. No. All an act. He had destroyed my reputation to his family who would not speak to me for the entire time we were married. I learned about flying monkeys. Triangulation. Deceit. This guy was treating me like the enemy — The final straw was when I caught him in a HUGE lie he’d told his brother about me. I realized my husband was totally sabotaging any efforts I was making to make peace with his family. He wanted me isolated and loved pulling my strings. I had enough. Filed for divorce after 5 yrs of dancing with the Devil. He STILL tried to get me back…….. Why? The woman he was grooming as my replacement didn’t want him. He wasn’t ready to cut me loose. But I was ready to cut HIM loose. I had no idea why were were together anymore. No love. No respect. No trust. No honesty. NOTHING. I thank God we had no children. Karma will get his ass.
This sounds all to familiar. My soon to be wife never found the positive in any thing I did. All I ever heard was how I was taking away from her life. It sucks what your going through but to find someone with the opposite traits as your narc will truly be amazing! Good luck!
Please remain NC…,my ex narc went through multiple engagements only to marry 4 months post our divorce. He continuously sends me emails…stating that his heart is in pieces,, what about his new wife, I mean supply?…. why should I care?…..because I truly loved him and she will someday be in my shoes…
Isn’t it funny how most of these narcs are men! What a bunch of pigs. I divorced one nearly two years ago and it took him three weeks to replace me. Look these pigs will never change and ladies look out bc they are master manipulators liars and cheaters. Turned my life upside down but and I am so glad I had the strength to leave and know I deserve better
My mother is a narcissist, told me shortly after my father passed of cancer how she’d not only lost her husband, lover and confidenant (less than a year before telling a 13 yr old me she was planning on leaving him). Two months after he passed started seeing someone, two months later was engaged, two months after that broke up with him. I suspect he didn’t give in to her every whim. A few months after breaking up with him, went home from a local dance in my dad’s home town with someone else and moved in with him three months later (I was 15, my sister was 5). Once my father passed she pretty much made me responsible for my sister and shirked all parental responsibility for either of us after that. I think she felt reluctantly obligated caring for us while our father was alive but after, not so much.
I’m in a mess. I was in a relationship with a narc for 6 years. I got out, got therapy, rebuilt my life. It’s been 4 years since I had a relationship with anyone. I’ve been on a few dates, but we weren’t a good match.
I finally met someone last year at work who ticks every single box. We clicked immediately and talked for hours after meeting. He mentioned his ex wife and son, so I knew he had at least been married in the past.
I later found out he had very recently remarried, so I backed off. I should point out, he never asked me out or made any attempt to have an affair. We just got on incredibly well and there was very obvious attraction. But neither of us have ever made a move. I have zero interest in having an affair with him or anyone else. Someone is either single and available or not in my mind. I believe he feels the same way. So we have both just accepted the situation. I have to see him several days a week, which I can’t get out of. So we just deal with it.
I met the wife after a few months. I was expecting them to be very affectionate and in love, since they were only 12 months into the ‘honeymoon period’. Nope.
She is the female twin of my ex – both textbook narcissists who think the entire world should bow down and serve them. Very abusive, cold, unaffectionate, enjoys insulting and humiliating him in front of people (then grinning at me, as if I’m supposed to enjoy her abuse as well), openly admits she married him for the money, jokes about cheating on him and taking half his stuff if they ever divorce. She asked myself and another woman if we knew any rich guys we could introduce her to. Laughed that she spends most of her time in the gym as there are ‘so many hot guys there to choose from’. She refuses to work (despite racking up tons of debt in his name to buy a huge house, new car, botox, a puppy, holidays, etc). Got a job for two months, complained that the boss was mean because she couldn’t get away with being an arrogant spoiled brat at work, then ragequit one day. If her husband ever snaps and retaliates, she threatens him with divorce. And since she has destroyed his self esteem, he just accepts whatever she wants and gives in to avoid being alone.
Most worrying (to me anyway), is that she can’t stand his son and complains about how annoying he is when he stays with them. I’ve met him a few times and he is adorable and very polite (far more so than I was at 6/7 years old!). I know how perceptive children are, and if she is even a fraction as abusive towards him as she is towards her husband, then I really feel for the kid. When I’ve seen them in the same room, she either blanks him entirely and pretends he isn’t there or just walks off. As someone who really wanted kids, but can’t have them, seeing a child being treated with contempt like that really gets to me.
After we met a couple of times, she followed me on social media (I’m not sure if it was intentional). So I got to see everything she had posted up to then. The year they were dating/engaged (she was in a rush to marry him and get a visa less than 12 months after they met) she spammed him with over the top public declarations of love that read like she was quoting bits of a romance film. It was really eye-opening to read pretty much the exact same thing my ex wrote to me! It’s like these people are clones of each other! She acted like a completely different person and declared how perfect things were, how their love was so unique and could overcome anything, how she couldn’t bear to be without him, etc. Lovebombing at it’s finest! The rest of the time she was sharing selfies of expensive holidays, her wedding, things he bought her – publically, not just friends/family.
The person I met is unrecognisible from those social media posts early on. I’ve only ever see her treat him like dirt. I know it was weird of me to keep reading them, but it’s so strange to watch your own relationship being reenacted in front of you by two other people. It’s like rewatching a movie, knowing when the plot twists are, then watching the characters act them out a moment later. It’s surreal. I kept finding things she wrote and thinking ‘X said that exact same thing to me!’
Aside from the surrealness, it hurts… a lot. Not only the fact that I’m in love with him, but knowing how he is being treated and knowing from direct experience how it felt and how screwed up my head was back then. I know he listens to every single insult and threat and takes it to heart, because I did. I know why he apologises to random people for things she accuses him of, because I used to do it. I know why he looks as though he’s aged an entire decade in the last year, because I did. I know why he’s always exhausted or sick or acts like a walking zombie half the time. I know why he leaves work every lunchtime, leaves work early, works from home or barely talks to the rest of us any more. I know why he sounds flat and like all the energy and happiness has been sucked out of him. I know why he’s making snapshot decisions, forgetting things, and acting like he no longer has his life together. I did all of these things myself and I remember exactly what my life was like back then. It’s almost as bad watching someone I love go through that torture as it was going through it myself.
My ex is a classic, insecure narc. Cheated early in marriage and then often again later. By the time we were in the process of a divorce he had not only one GF but two (that I know of). Took work overseas over being home with our kids partly to be with GF 2. Married her barely a year after we divorced on final trip and brought her home. In our old house he was quick to move me out of. Lied, cheats, loves attention and makes out to be one person but is completely another.
mine did almost the same but is delusional n hides the mental fk up w/ FB smoke n mirrors. wife 2 is stuck holding a bag of $hit but prob thinks she hit the jackpot. they always do til its too late.
Yes mine remarried immediately after our divorce too. He moved in with her two weeks after moving out of our house. You would think that is because he was already dating her while he was living with me but actually nope this was a new woman. He was cheating with many women before her and I knew who he was seeing but this one was new. He was apparently so afraid to be alone that he gave the highest priority to immediately finding a new prey.
I think a narcissist’s marriage can work long term under two circumstances. Either their spouse is a completely codependent doormat (as I was sadly) OR their spouse is also narcissistic/sociopathic and just using him so they are both just using each other.
With a normal healthy stable awake person there is no way the marriage can last long term. Although there would actually never be a marriage at all because a normal healthy stable awake person would see red flags in the early stages and would just end it instead of sticking around.
I divorced a narcissist 44 years ago. We had been together for 2 years before getting married, I was 18 years old at the time and pregnant with our first child (eventually we had two children), and we were married for 7 years. He didn’t care that I was divorcing him as he already had a new girlfriend. (He is now on his 5 marriage and has a son with one of them). I didn’t get that much financial support in the settlement, just $100.00. We had to back to court 2 years later as he wouldn’t pay me and didn’t pay the kids medical bills. I got a wage deduction order and the divorce said that he had to pay me until death or in the event that I lived with someone else. This July he stopped paying me. He is now in contempt of court. I waited until September to see if would start paying me again and he didn’t, so I found his phone number online and called him. All he had to say is that he has no money and that he is old. He owns his own business, Hobart and Kitchen Aid, and has two houses. I have used all my savings just trying to survive and am now collecting food stamps (thank God-I have plenty of things wrong with my health-aneurysms, emphysema, anemic and malnourished, C-PTSD; I have been going to counseling for 20 years now and other things-I live on SS and pension). I contacted Legal Aid and am hoping to get my back support and my $100 back.
Now I am mentally sick again. I fear what he will do to me. He was very violent to me before and I am scared to death that he will come and shoot me.
Thanks for letting tell someone what is happing. Both my parents are dead, and I don’t want to talk about this with my kids. Please say a little prayer for me.