Last Updated on May 31, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
One of the most toxic people you will meet in family court is the narcissist.
When it comes to a divorce case, the narcissist will often be pitted against a person with very low self-esteem.
Narcissists are usually the cause of that low self-esteem as they have eroded their partner’s self-image through a variety of means throughout the marriage.
In court, the narcissist will present as confident, calm and certain while his victim often appears stressed, frustrated, and not at all confident.
The victim may be willing to give up almost everything just to regain her own life back. She may not feel that she is a fit mother for her children, as the narcissist has made sure that she feels unfit.
Dealing with someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in the family court system is a daunting task. It is not going to be easy, but you can make a conscious decision to be a survivor rather than continue being a victim.
Knowledge is power and being educated, and prepared, can mean the difference between winning and being victimized again.. The trick to beating a narcissist in court is twofold in nature.
FIRST: Catch them in a lie when they are on the stand.
But, you must have absolute, incontrovertible proof of the lie, proof that is admissible in court by rules of evidence or by unassailable testimony.
When confronted with the impeaching evidence, narcissists will react with fury, more lying (which will be visible to everyone except them) and will actively discredit themselves.
SECOND: Your counsel should structure the cross-examination of the narcissist so as to allow the narcissist to magnify his or her grandiose self. Sometimes it is enough just to let the narcissist be himself or herself.
How to Deal with the Narcissist in Court?
Narcissists are often vindictive and they often stalk and harass. There are two ways of coping with vindictive narcissists:
1. Frighten Them
Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression, envy and hatred.
They are paranoid, suspicious, and scared. Frightening the narcissist is a powerful behavior modification tool.
If sufficiently scared – the narcissist will disengage, give up everything he was fighting for and sometimes even make amends.
Reading Suggestion: How to get child custody from a Narcissist?
For this to be effective, you have to identify the vulnerabilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at him until he is deterred.
Example:
If a narcissist is hiding a personal fact- use this to threaten him.
Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses and recently revealed evidence.
The narcissist has a very vivid imagination; let his imagination do the rest.
The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, malpractice, child abuse, or infidelity – there are many possibilities, all of which offer a rich vein of attack.
If done cleverly, non-emotionally, escalating, the narcissist will disengage and disappear.
You don’t have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, and suggest a possible turn of events.
The narcissist’s imagination and paranoia will do the rest for you.
All these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight.
If done in the wrong way – they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.
2. Lure Them
The other way to neutralize a vindictive narcissist is to offer him continued Narcissistic Supply until the war is over and won by you.
Dazzled by the lure of Narcissistic Supply – the narcissist immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly takes over his “property” and “territory”.
Under the influence of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is unable to tell that he is being manipulated.
You can make a narcissist do almost anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).
8 Tips to Beat a Narcissist in Court
- Equip yourself for the legal battle: Many communities offer free divorce workshops, support groups or clinics through the courthouse. Spend a day in the courtroom to which you were assigned and familiarize yourself with the Judge or Commissioner’s style, the courtroom procedures and to the strategies used by attorneys.
- Prepare: Prepare for the reality that many of your friends will fall for the narcissist’s smear campaign. Because the general public is not educated in NPD, many will fall prey to his evil tactics. Remember that you too once believed what you were told by him. Narcissists will not accept that they had any part of the demise of the marriage. Take the high road and eventually, the narcissist will show his true colors to everyone.
- Document everything: Keep a daily journal for the day-to-day occurrences and write down every event, no matter how big or small. An example would be: “Documentation: August 15, 2013 — Failure to Show for Visitation” or so on.
- Get organized: You need to find a system that works for you. While there are a variety of ways to stay organized, the most common is the binder method. Have a binder for each year and keep things in chronological order.
- Eliminate or limit communication: If you can’t eliminate communication, keep it short and unemotional. While zero contact is best when ending a relationship with a narcissist, it is impossible if you have children together. Set personal boundaries and do not deviate from them. Not even once. Narcissists feed off of control, intimidation and eliciting emotions. Do not satisfy their twisted and selfish hunger by giving them what they are requesting.
- Practice acceptance: You need to accept the fact that you will never win in the mind of a narcissist. You will not be able to change their distorted thinking regardless of how many times you remind them of the real version of the story. You need to accept that you are not dealing with a rational person; acceptance is the key to moving forward.
- Maintain composure in court: Stay composed and focused and keep your emotions for outside the courtroom. The narcissist will project all of the problems and their shortcomings onto you. Respond to false allegations calmly with credible, factual information. Do not get caught up defending every minor allegation no matter how tempting it may be to set the story straight. This is the time to choose your battles wisely. It is very easy to get upset while listening to the testimony due to the dishonesty and manipulations. Listen calmly and take notes. Do not allow yourself to get sidetracked and angered. Stay focused and stay calm at all times.
- Make reminder notes: You need to remind yourself that you are dealing with a narcissist. If needed, write yourself a post-it note that says, “Reminder: I am dealing with a narcissist” and stick it to the front of your binder. Do not expect a narcissist to follow the law, rules or protocol of any kind. Expect lies, vicious attacks, bizarre behavior and the unexpected.
Final Thoughts
What happens when a narcissist loses in court? To summarize, the best way to handle a narcissist in court is to play it cool and let them hang themselves with their own rope.
Narcissists will make outrageous claims and big demands. Let them swear and bluster… the worse their behavior is, the better it is for you.
Play it cool, show the court and the judge how rational and healthy you are, and how demanding and bullying the narcissist is. Most judges are excellent surveyors of human nature and can see narcissists for who they are.
Remember, though, when all is said and done, family law courts are usually not interested in the emotional aspects of your divorce.
Most states are “no fault” divorce states; despite the fact that judges are people and have emotions, typically they are interested in numbers and custody issues.
Judges are experienced at ignoring all the drama, but if you can get a narcissist to lie under oath, they will lose their credibility with the judge.
References:
http://www.drirene.com/14_nar.htm
http://narcissisticex.com/dealing-with-a-narcissist-in-court/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tina-swithin/8-tips-for-dealing-with-a_b_2799069.html
http://voices.yahoo.com/narcissist-vs-low-self-esteem-court-5112195.html
The subjects you cover and your tips for handling a narcissist are a lifesaver for me. I am going through an awful divorce, trying desperately to get away from a narcissistic husband, and trying to keep myself above his drama, his lies and his rage.
Me too this is awful my son is in the middle we could have gone with my 14 year olds wishes for where he lives and split the assets and cost us $6 we are now up to $20k and no further down the road
Good luck thoughts are with you
I am dealing with a narcissistic x wife who stabbed me 9 times and no charges filed. She is so good at getting most everyone to believe her that it has almost destroyed my life. Now I have custody of our kids and she has had supervised visits for the past year but the judge recently sided with her and gave her standard visitation. Now my children will be in a very dangerous situation while doing their visits. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Hello Robert, I’m under a court order with a Narcissist as well. My daughter is in a dangerous situation as well as she tells me the Very inappropriate things her father does to her. What you can count on is the narcissists’ need to break the law, as they believe they are immune to following it. Document missed visits. Stay within the court order. The more she missed visits, the more she will look unstable and irresponsible. The narcissists’ fear is to be exposed andnoay consequences. That’s their kryptonite. Have your children evaluated by a psychologist. Not only can it be used in court, but the psych is required by the APA to report any signs of abuse to minors under 18. Semantics will be your best friend here. Be very vaugue whenever speaking to your ex. Her imagination will get the best of her and she’ll end up telling on herself. Stay strong. You’re not alone. You can do this.
Maybe he is saying the same thing. I’m trying to get away from a narcaastic ex wife. The is all bull and more labeling. Everyone is a narcissist in someway and woman always think there perfect
This advice hit the nail on the head!!! My N stood on trial and blamed divorce and several other things on me. We were prepared. He stated how our divorce had nothing to do with his affair.What a joke. I had prepared my attorney and he calmly unwound his stories. He got every dig in against me that he could. His only complaints was about things that I did during the first 30 days, like changing the locks on the house and putting his clothes in garbage bags on the drive way when he was on his way to pick up ( undamaged BTW ) I refused to rebuttal his comments and stuck to the facts. I stated that I was devastated and very angry because of his affair. Stating that I was unaware of his “years of unhappiness” I did state that I had not incinerated any contact with him in over a year and how he was continuing to call, text, write and send notes with the kids. Nice judge gave him a restraining order stating that all contact must be made thru lawyers. Since I don’t contact him I loved this.
Sadly the judge declared us divorced and divided property for us. Neither of us were happy but I was satisfied and was willing to live with it. He has not since he filed papers for us to return to return to court because he is not happy! He is having to pay me spousal support for one year. After 26 years of marriage and me leaving career 3 times to support his career I feel that one year is minimal but I did not argue.
Question? Do they ever stop? Every get over their anger? Do they ever stop blaming us? Do they every stop hating us? Does their rage calm?
Now he is doing all he can to win adults kids. It kills me that I covered all of his lies and shit and now if I call him out they tell me that I am just bitter. True I am but I am still stating the truth.
He is so angry with me because I exposed his infidelity which he continues to state that it was not the cause of the end of our marriage and is no one’s business including the kids. He stated is just between a husband and wife. He acts as if this doesn’t effect them as well. He also stated that he thought that I was a mother bear and would protect my kids. He wanted me to tell them that the end of marriage had nothing to do with affair but was because we drifted apart. I partly believe this as I was not happy either but there is never an excuse to cheat. I also told him that this mother bear was protecting her cubs from their father! He wanted me to lie to them so to protect himself not the kids.
Our kids are severely damaged. My son stated that he feels that this is harder for them than me due to the fact that their father leaving them for another woman over them. He felt that he would never trust, believe or have respect for their father again. My daughter said that she felt that he and her should seek counseling, which he stated to him. He of course thought that was a good idea… it has been 6 months and he has yet to mention again nor to have scheduled appointment.
Sorry to ramble tonight. It is my 52nd birthday and I am sitting home drinking too much wine. Angry at myself for so very many reasons!! Missing him, hating him, feeling to blame, bad that I am not stronger, VERY angry that he has moved on and is happy leaving me to pick up the pieces with the kids! Knowing that one day they will forgive him WTF!!! It is more than I can deal with
Everytime I would email him about this stuff he would write me back stating that
I live with these kids and let me tell you that their scars are deep!!!
hi, no worries about drinking some wine and letting off steam! I’m battling with an ex-partner through the courts re: our son, he’s 11 now and my reason for going back after 6 years is that the father went drinking and crashed his car whilst our son was in the car. Being true to a narcissist, which he is, ran off and hid (with my son) Car was too bad to drive away so to cut my long story short, Police turn up at MY door asking for him. My husband of 7 years was there too, told the police he was wasting your time and giving you the run around. GIVE THEM ENOUGH ROPE…….
I’m in court on 16th jan. Wish me luck all the NPD loathers ;0)
“He is so angry with me because I exposed his infidelity which he continues to state that it was not the cause of the end of our marriage and is no one’s business including the kids. He stated is just between a husband and wife. He acts as if this doesn’t effect them as well. He also stated that he thought that I was a mother bear and would protect my kids. He wanted me to tell them that the end of marriage had nothing to do with affair but was because we drifted apart. I partly believe this as I was not happy either but there is never an excuse to cheat.”
For Jenn or everyone feeling like Jenn: I think your husband is right, having drifted apart IS an excuse for cheating, even a good one. (IMO there is not only the right to pursue happiness, but something like an obligation.)
Sounds like as if you had made the children be much more effected by the divorce than would have been necessary. I think it is your feeling of guilt towards your children and your own life that makes you rightly angry with yourself. That you experience such a huge ambivalence towards him just reflects the huge ambivalence you have towards yourself. It is best to recognize what you did wrong, regret it, confess it and make up for it, with your family or/and with other people. If not you will always bear some grudge against yourself.
Wow! A lot of information. I learned the truth exposes them. They hide behind lies to themselves and others. Document. Record. Save everything. Have witnesses. Do not be embarrassed any more. Call the police every time. There comes a time when you are out of excuses for them. Stay calm. In your heart you know the truth. Believe in yourself. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, pray. The truth wins. They hate the truth. He may hate me forever, but what he did to me was already hate. They can only love themselves. Love you. We are not alone. Reach out. I am 7 months and around $60,000.00 into this just to cover the TPO. What a fight. In me is my peace that is my foundation. I survived him! I made it out! I am free! There is always another side. I have fought this battle on my knees. The bible says the truth will set me free. Jesus has a proven track record of winning. He is undefeated. I know God gave my husband a free will and he chose to hurt me. God gave me my free will I choose to allow God to show me the way out. It’s not Gods fault my husband used his free will to hurt me. Prayer never hurt anyone even if you are atheist. “Help” is a good start. See what happens.
Amen! I’ve fought my narcissistic neighbors no family on my knees. Jehovah God and Jesus Christ he never left me or forsaken me. What my narcissists meant for bad towards me Jehovah turned it round for Good. I make sure I pray first then document and save everything. The pit my narcissists have tried to dig for me is the very pit they fallen into themselves. Thank you for your encouraging words and God bless!
*and*
Gosh my story is almost identical to yours, even down to our age.
I’ve been in a 20 year relationship with a narc and have the scars to prove it.
I am being told I shouldn’t involve our son (who is almost 14) in the details of his infidelity and financial matters. My son asks me questions and I answer them honestly, he’s a young man and understands what’s going on. I have no intention of covering for him.
He ducked out of the house when we were in another room in the house, packed a small bag and left us guessing where he was for two whole weeks. He then texted his son to get him to tell me he had re-partnered with my sons friends mother who he had been having a relationship with for a while. No balls to tell us himself face to face and prepare his son for his departure – then he wonders why his son wont see him!
Of course he’s dragging me through the courts but my son is adamant he wants no contact. He’s bombarded us both with text messages (nasty ones to me). Not once has he addressed how my son must be feeling but only how he feels himself, I miss you, I’m so sad without you, I feel like I’ve had a bereavement, not I am dreadfully sorry for treating you the way I did and not considering your feelings. He’s even demanded through his lawyer that our son stays the weekend at the new squeezes house, saying it will be good for our son to be with his friend again! He just doesn’t get it.
It is actually the second time he had abandoned his son and I in his sort life, leaving us 7 years ago for another woman, that time it was in the middle of the night when my son was in bed – I had to explain the reason for the disappearance of his father the next day to the confused child). When he eventually got access to him, he took him out with his new partner and her family and sidelined my son, openly showing affection to the new woman in front of a confused child.
He also cut us off financially both times – not a cent until the CSA got him. I had to sell our family home cheap and lost all the equity in doing so but his lack of financial support meant the mortgage wasn’t getting paid, so the debt was rising. He stalled on the sale as much as he possibly could, not signing and we eventually got into late completion penalties. I also told him my son would have to come out of private school if he didn’t contribute to the large fees. He said he would but only if I would forgive his infidelity (again) and let him back into the family home – seems he’s made another mistake in his partner choices. Of course I didn’t accept that and the backlash was terrible, he threatened to stalk me (which he did) and ruin me financially (which he is on his way to doing), but despite all of that, I will continue to fight this weasel of a man to get him out of my life completely.
After 4 months of asking for financial disclosure, he’s finally produced some documents. They are old documents and irrelevant. He’s hiding numerous super funds and wont provide his latest bank statements or pay slips form his new job. He’s also in the process of buying a house which raises big questions of where the money is coming from.
He’s also stating I have breached his parental rights by not consulting him about changing my sons school (oh yes I did, he refused to pay his sons school fees), so I had no choice but to put him in a public school. Oh and I’ve been accused of kidnapping his son – drama, drama, drama!
Its all smoke and mirrors with this guy, but I will continue to fight and separate the BS from the facts. Good luck with your battle, do not let him erode you, stand strong and gather your support group around you. The best revenge is living well yourself.
I am in the same boat my kids are 12 and 13 1/2. They do not want to go to their fathers but I am supposed to enforce the current parenting plan. Does your son Get to choose if he goes to his fathers or not? Is the court allowing this? I am wondering because we are discussing having the children talk to the judge to see if she would allow them to make the decision for them self.
Hi Jenn… I hope you are in a better spot these days. The answer to your question is: no they will never stop because it is about winning and destroying you – the “true mirror”.
I’m just trying to keep a protective order against my ex narcissist bf who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me for 2 years. He finally almost hurt my son so I had an exparte taken out on him I got him out I’ve been in court battles with him since 11/27/2013, He has a has to be narcissist criminal attorney who has turned the case on me that I am now a pill popping crazy person. I know from his sister that ex bf was forced to have a psychiatric evaluation and was determined to be a narcissist. He has managed to have the protective order dismissed, then go straight to my house from court before I could get there, my son had to flee to the neighbors call the police, the cop that showed up testified that I was clearly on under the influence of narcotics, which is after he had spent about 20 minutes talking the ex bf attorney. I put two warrants out for his arrest criminal domestic trespassing and breaking and entering. We go back to court last Friday the judge was about to give me the order and his attorney jumped up and started having an ex bf fit and the judge sternly said that she would extend a temporary order until February 7, 2013 but he had until 5 pm the next day to get the remaining items he had at my house. My attorney discussed with his attorney that all of his stuff would be outside but when the deputies and ex bf showed up the ex bf come storming at me demanding to get into my basement and I stood firm that he was not allowed in any part of my house so he starts screaming she’s high look officers she on pills. So the officers ask me to get the key and open my basement and pushed around in the insulation and finally pulled out a tape recorder. That I know has a recording of a meeting he had with officials regarding his work performance and he thinks he can use it to keep his job because they harassed him. LOL a dose of his own medicine. Bottom line he was able to take more of my things that day that did not belong to him. The day he was evicted with the exparte he stole a 7 carat diamond bracelet that I had for over 10 years, my laptop, sprayed poison on my plants, cut holes in my clothes, took 1 of many pairs of boots, cut the straps off of my bras, and the list goes on. I have to face him on February 2, 2014 where the District Attorney represents me for the breaking and entering and domestic criminal trespassing. It’s sad because all of the information that you read about narcissist is my life and unfortunately a man who is a danger to myself and my kids is not going to be kept from me and due to the fact I’ve had him arrested as I should have, and I’m still pursuing the protective order he is going to follow through with the treats he’s told me all along which is what kept me in the relationship for two years to begin with. I was terrified, but now I just can’t be. I’m trying to educate myself the best way I know how to some how out wit someone that is impossible to out wit. My character has already been attacked. The judge that originally dismissed the protective order was the same one who told me to take another back on him and she would sign it. Wanted to release herself from the case and testify on my behalf because she felt like he was going to harm me. A bailiff in the courtroom took me aside and said he had witnessed him in the courtroom before with his family over custody of his son and he was scared for me and he felt sure my ex bf is going to hurt me. The system does not protect you when you have been a victim and someone who already had self esteem issues. The officer said since I didn’t keep eye contact I was high. I can’t keep eye contact with men period I’ve worked on it throughout the years but that’s a problem but definitely not due to drugs. To end my rant through all of this craziness and cussing me in front of the cops he stood behind them where they couldnt see him crying and murmuring his lips and kept saying I love you, I love you, I love you, I turned my head and slammed my door. I wasn’t suppose to have to face him at all when he picked up his items. The police put me in the situation by being intimidated by ex bf outburst and they allowed him to get what he was demanding. With one exception. He tried to push right past them and was going to my bedroom but they physically got in front of him and said NO. Because he claimed to have luggage under my bed. I feel sure this has something to do with his next plot in court. He stole my personal journal unfortunately where I had vented some information that he would love to incriminate me for but he can’t provide the journal because that was reported as lost. So you’ll probably read about me on the web or see me on the news eventually. I’ve told my mom she better sue the county for all they have if something happens to me because I’ve tried and tried to prove the abuse but none of my evidence has been used. No matter what I’ve tried and it’s not over until it’s over. I know who I am and he’s pissed because I took his prize possession away from him too bad he can’t have me anymore. EVER!
I split with my violent ex two years ago after she beat me when I got home- holding my son in my arms. Got the whole thing on video and should have had her arrested but was too dysfunctional at the time… and paying for it now. I am married to a wonderful loving person now who is a great stepmother also, but the craziness and drama the ex is bringing into our lives is straining us. One of the things she is doing is over medicating our son… I tried getting DCFS involved but they brushed me off and said she could administer medicine as she wished as she was custodial. His doctor is concerned but obviously not enough to report it herself. I have proof she has lied and manipulated.. and intimidated us with threats of turning us in for negligence- so many times but we don’t know where to go or how to start… we are tired of getting ground under her boot. Please, does anyone know what we can do? How do we effectively take the fight back to her and end this? My spouse, my son and I deserve better.
Ahhh yes…the wrath of the narcissist. Record Record Record! I’m taking my narc.mother to court for holding my child down physically and spitting in my daughters face. Now my NM has used my SS# and tried to have my gas shut off and rerouted all my mail.even tho I am hundreds of miles away. She is not allowing no contact as she abuses by proxy.I have her on tape admitting to how she was playing when she hurt my child- Not to mention how she let her men sexually abuse me as a child and hit me. To all of you out there fighting for your kids. Fight HARD-please
….these narcissistic dark souls are indeed dangerous to all around them,but esp to kids. The damage mentally and then how they cover abuses- so life seems “perfect” to outsiders. I cannot explain how a narcissistic parent can hurt their children. God help us all!
Ny N ex is always very calm and cool though he has a self-described “wicked-tongue.” He saves his anger for private. He will not explode in court. He will maintain his calm cool head. Will he lie? I don’t know? Will he exaggerate, minimize, and cast blame elsewhere? Absolutely.
Whats the best easy to “expose” or “handle” someone like that?
Do the same. You maintain control in court. The greatest enemy of an NPD is the truth. Facts are your best friends– stick to them. It’s the one of hardest battles you will encounter and will feel like an eternity is passing– but it will pass. You can win the war by outlasting the problem; they all have a fatal flaw of underestimating us and overestimating themselves. Looking back, it happened every time – they are really nothing special. BELIEVE in YOU*
I apologize for my above typos. On a cell with a small keyboard.
Also, though he has inflicted emotional and economic abuse he has never inflicted any physical or sexual abusr.
He is the nice guy. The pillar os society thay everyone adores.
Just Me,
How did things go for you? How did he act in the courtroom?
Hi,
Thanks for all the above. I’m facing my narcissistic ex and father of my 4 ninth old in court this month.
I’m terrified of his vicious lies and as outlined above, he remains calm in public etc… Saves his rage n paranoia for behind closed doors.
He is seeking joint custody, access and guardianship. He has access already, I’m opposed to joint custody naturally. He issue me with these court orders a mere 7 days post giving birth by section, I was barely out of hospital. I’ve had a year of hell.
Any advice for court would be appreciated. I know he’ll use “I’m abusive, irrational an emotional” all untrue.
Thanks
Going to court in Aug for millionth time per my NPD vindictive X. Every year he takes me to court. Every year he loses. Last year he called the police ten times to try and have me arrested. He even called the state department when I took my kids to euope. He asked them to arrest me for kidnapping. He altered text messages (that have been verified as altered) and had the police arrest me for harassment. I sent him multiple texts to stop texting me. In the middle of the series he put his own stop texting me. The police picked me up on Friday and I didn’t home until Monday evening. The charges My kids were devastated. They had heard him threaten to put me jail so many times….I would assure the kids….the police aren’t stupid….oops. It’s been seven years of at least 375 acts of harrasment
Solitary. Exact same vindictive pattern: every year in court filing (though so far it either gets resolved in mediation or he drops it) & he reports me to police/CPS for the gazillionth time (including taking kids on vacation). I’ve been lucky as they laugh at him and support me instead.
What really helped was I’ve been video taping our interactions (in my state one party consent is legal) and save all email & texts then I show it to the authorities: they immediately see his threats are just smoke & mirrors.
I have tried to keep level headed about the ex Narc (aka: Father of the child he never wanted but loves to compete and win anyway). For years, I put up with his me tal and physical abuse. For years he’d gotten away with it all. I am now alone and my daughter is suffering greatly. He turns thigs around to make me out to be the bad guy. I obviously resorted to screaming back at him and even slapped him once, for him to lay off. He alnost beat the shit out of me but luckily stopped, seeing how frightened our daughter was. In the past, he’s pushed me hard on the shoulders, making my head hit the wall and ripped out my hair. He has bruised me more than once and recently, he threw my phone and broke it, as I wanted to call my Mother due to being afraid. He also kicked me in the stomach, not too hard but it was a little sore – no bruising. Is he getting away with it? Yes. He has played the victim since day one. When we decided to seperate, I collected my kettle and toaster. I felt so bad and decided to leave him an old kettle instead. What didhe do next? He called DHS against me…but FOR WHAT?! He’s told people that he wanted to give my daughter dummies to wean him off my boobs. The truth? He has NEVER EVEN FED HER, NEVER EVEN BATHED HER etc. When she was newborn, I begged for him to get up and try to bottle feed her. He would not. I resorted to breastfeeding exclusively and am now having difficulty weaning her off. Yes, it was my decision to stay with him, but I offered him an ultimatum – If he told people (that mattered) the truth, that it was HIM who threw my phone…that it was HIM who kicked me and I NEVER laid a finger on my daughter (my Dr knows I wouldn’t and the maternity health nurses that I’ve visited knew I wouldn’t and that my daughter has changed my life in a positive manner)…if he told the truth, that I would forgive and forget about everything. He bloody syraight out lied even to my face and denied EVERYTHING! I feel so alone and now even authority won’t listen to me. People who know me may think I invite drama into my life, but I am the most gentle creature ever. My favourite animal is the elephant. Why? They are so nurturing and caring for their children and family. They are a symbol of wisdom and loyalty. They will do what it takes to protect their young. I’ll continue fighting, even if I am alone. Sometimes I just want to give up but I know I can’t. My daughter needs me and my ex knows this, hence why he didn’t hesitate to let me leave with her and if I called the police for so called “revenge,” then why the Hell was I hesitant to place the restraining order against him to begin with? I wanted to speak to the cops for advice but when we got there, was advised to place the restraining order against him and now, I’m in Hell…when it’s me that begs for someone to help my daughter and I. Well, I have his ex telling me about his lies, manipulation and isolation techniques. She resorted to cheating on him just to get rid of him. I have a recording of him yelling at me, telling me that I’d never hurt my child and me asking him why he then tells everyone that I would. Ibtold the police that I received one text message from a payphone a few hrs ago and they straight out told me that there’s no way it would be my ex. What the Hell, mate?! No wonder people get hurt or disappear! Authority don’t help those who need help.
It sounds like you really did drift apart and he just happened to be the one to have an affair. I conclude this based on the information you give in your text. Then you got angry and all else followed. Of course, he lied/ cheated, but what else is he supposed to do if there is another person in his life? Cheaters are not necessarily narcs…
Sounds like you need lots of help with your anger. I would do everything possible to avoid getting satisfaction the moment you see the kids realizing how “bad” he is. Do not encourage kids to be led to conclusions about what an “evil” man their dad is.
Stop drinking. Let your kids know that you and their dad were once in love, and that they are the product of it. Some couples then drift apart and that is ok. The man you married and is now a father to your children cannot be the worst person on the planet…this cannot be true
Wow you really have never been mentally and emotionally abused by a Narc have you! I relate totally with everything she said and No your wrong…kids need to know everything that goes on and they then see it for themselves and make their own minds up.
Worst thing you can do is lie and keep things from them because thats when it becomes twisted and they dont know what to believe.
I’ve seen both senarios and knowledge is the best protection for their future mental and emotional wellbeing.
Not all cheaters are Narcs but the vast majority are.
My ex is the father of my 2 youngest children and he is the worst person I have have met on this planet so thats not always the case either. Unless you’ve been there and experienced it you just dont get it and judging by your reply you haven’t
My daughters ex is unaffected by any of these tactics. He is evil to the core. He somehow was able to convince a psychologist who was court ordered to do a custody evaluation to write a completely biased, untrue report giving him sole custody. He lied so much but so did the psychologist. I have been fighting the court for over 3years to get the judge to acknowledge the report is bogus. In Arizona court appointed psychologists had immunity. I believe that was a determining factor in her making the decision to lie for him, she knew if she did nothing could be don to her. Well things are about to backfire on her, and hopefully her ex too. My daughter and I helped get new law passed in arizona that revokes court appointed psychologist immunity. So now the Arizona psychologist license board is investigating her for unethical practice. In turn it will affect her ex due to the report was written all about what ä great father he is and what ä terrible mother my daughter is. When this report is determined to be untrue he is the one that will be found out. I am hoping the psychologist will tell the truth about him and “throw him under the bus and expose him as the liar I have been telling the judge he is. We are waiting. In the mean time he is still getting away with lies and continues to control my daughter.
I live in Missouri. I’m losing hope and am financially crippled . my attorney withdrew. I’m about to be evicted . my ,9 & 12 year old daughters are scared. I’m scared. I’m exhausted. My x husband who is a narcissist is trying to claim me unfit after we have been divorced five years. He is not married. He travels in his job. He has left my girls alone. He has made them uncomfortable by watching and make g them dress while he watches. Can anyone help me? Pkease
I’m currently just getting my ducks in the road I was married to a narcissistic for three years together total of 8years on and off I have set it up for him to only email me regarding pick up time and day for our kids he refuse to stick to the agreement he continues to email me about other things he even showed up at my house unexpectedly i told him if he didn’t leave I would call the police now he claims he talked to a attorney about his situation I’m not sure how to handle this situation can some one please help
I NEED HELP!! My children are going to be in danger. I have full custody and she has tricked the judge into taking away her supervised visits and giving her standard visitation. She is a narcissist. She has abused my kids and me. She even stabbed me 9 times last year, almost killing me and she even got out of getting in trouble for doing it. I am told I have to let my kids go with her for the visits and my attorney said if my kids end up dead that it will ne on the judges shoulders. Please help.
Robert, she is most likely NOT a narcissist (its such a buzz word these days), your kds are most likely NOT in any danger – she did give birth to them and she IS their mother. If she did stab you and got ‘out of it’ then it is likely that she either didnt do it or she did it in self defense. It has now been 3 months since your post. Let me guess: Your kids are fine. Stop being a baby.
Love you for saying this.
You know this is safe advice, however it becomes more difficult when you have had the unfortunate luck to have two exs that are sociopaths/narcissists and they team up together, and then throw in a mother that is also one herself and you have 3 against one with the odds stacked against you for one. My ex, Alexander I knew had tendencies, and one day he became delusional from his drug intake and I had to send him to the hospital. Since we were not married, his mom blamed me and prevented us from seeing each other from that point forward. She aleo was not convinced that my ex Sean, had physically hurt me, including sexual assault and forcing drugs on me, and so she decided they should meet him and he explained how he devised a plan to get a restraining order against me and how he hacked my phone and computers to stay one step ahead me and my terrible lawyers. Well, sadly the man I was to marry, and who wanted me back in his life, eventually believed mom and did the same thing and followed the play book so well. I thinking Inwas doing him a favor, because I did. It realize what he was doing did not respond to the court documents, and just planned to bring in evidence to the court since he provided none in his court filing. I stupidly wanted to minimize the public record agsinst him and I figured impeachment of the witness would be simple because it was all lies…I got sick the day of court and the judge filed against me for the maximum of 5 years. I now have to go back and convince the judge to reevaluate his decision since I was sick, and I do have evidence. The judge figured that since I had requested a long cause hearing and did not file paperwork that I was just trying to stall the case, but that was false. Sad how these things turn out. A mother that messed with his mind and punished me, and his NPD/SPD combined with an ex who did far worse actually created my perfect storm. I find it hard to believe I asked Alex Sales to marry me.
I don’t think anyone reads these comments but here is my question:
What happens if you go NO CONTACT on your narcissistic ex but he continues to hunt you down? For over 15 years???
Mine has no way of contacting me or my daughter anymore (not even through friends/family cause we had to change our names) and yet he has face book posts advertising “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WOMAN” and “TRYING TO FIND MY DAUGHTER” and he advertises our birthdays, birth names and historical addresses/schools/places of work. He also posts up vindictive threats (when i find you, you will regret the pain you caused..I will ruin your life”).
So NO CONTACT does NOT work. WHY?? What can I do?
Personally I think the No contact can work in some cases but not in all of them depending on the Narc.
The illusion Narcs have of themselves is quite simply is they think they are better than you so its a case of ‘how very dare you’ ignore me!
The threats also relate to this warped way of thinking because again they think they are superior so will try and make you pay for your insubordination. The lack of ability to control you is sheer frustration to the Narc and they will show it when they cant get their own way which is what your ex seems to be doing.
Yes I agree. It’s just so odd that I have not found anyone that has shared the same experience. The ‘no contact rule’ is like some golden rule that is touted as working EVERY TIME. The biggest issue that victims/survivors have is typically staying away (enforcing the no contact rule). It is enormously frustrating when you DO go ‘no contact’ and trust me, i have NOT EVER had a problem staying away from this stalker – but HE WILL NOT STAY AWAY from me. If just one person indicated they had the same issue, I’d feel better.
Isimple. Use his Facebook posts against him
why was my comment removed?? Seriously? I posted up something just a few days ago and now it is gone. I did not name names or anything. WHY would you remove my comment?
Hi Helga, My apologies if I accidentally deleted something. Maybe it was a post which was a bit too personal? Otherwise I am sorry for deleting it (by accident probably)
That’s ok. I’m happy if you want to remove that last little rant of mine : ) My post was posted – it just took a while. Thanks Alexander.
Any good custody attorneys in Palm Beach Co who have won against narcissists? Please share ASAP.
Sister is narcissist and everyone seems to believe her over me. She gave my drug addicted son his truck keys while i was caring for him during an opiod detox for 3 days and disrupted his detox. She also locked me out of the double home they both share so I could not get my things to leave when he slapped me in face. She called my boyfriend when she received the Court Notice to appear in court for locking me out and shoving my cane into my stomach pushing me towards the stairs on porch.
When she called my boyfriend she told him she will just say I pointed a gun at her so that is why she pushed me down the stairs. (this was a lie, since I do not own a gun) I have been abused by her all my life. Now she wants me arrested for attempted murder which is false. I did nothing but help my son detox off opiods before he dies and he lives upstairs from her. She also threatened me and mom to remove my name off will for house and I was kidnapped in car and threatened to do this regarding the house. She does not want my son in house she resides in and she put his name on Deed instead of mine because he fixes things. Now she wants him out because he is a drug addict and does not pay the utilities and she now has to pay utilities in order for pipes from freezing in winter. Help….Can’t have a life with my crazy familly who puts this sister on a pedestal and turns on me.
My comment is pertaining to Helga’s story. Although I don’t know much about the story just by sharing the part that the ex continues to look for her whereabouts worries me. I believe these types of people are very tunnel visioned and can not move on. I can’t believe that this still goes on and is allowed. My ex is also on his personal vendetta against me and worse yet, he mostly hurts his children. These people are also considered good citizens and are very malicious. I wish there was a way to expose these people or have them stop but running away does not help. I lost everything in the hopes I can get my life back. It appears to be almost impossible. They live to hurt those who put boundaries against them.
Best of luck and never believe him.
My sons N father beats him. Nobody will listen to him. This N charmer calls my son a liar. My son has been to the school guidance counselor, I have gone to the police, counselors…finally, he beat him in public. Nobody wants to come forward against him. My son is 11. His dad just charms his way out of everything, calling my son unruly and me crazy. Meanwhile, I have photos of bruises and a terrified kid. My lawyer told me we will lose AGAIN in family court if I can’t get people to testify against him. What do I do? I am losing my mind here. I left this abusive man 11 years ago when he beat me when I was pregnant. Nobody believed me…the police thought I was a crazy hormonal pregnant woman.now it is my son. People in my town think I am a lunatic, he has painted me as crazy. We are both terrified of him. He shows up when he feels like it and hurts us both but nobody will listen or come forward in our defense. Please help. I am broke. He doesn’t pay child support anymore.he hurt my son so badly he tore his rotator cuff. I am sure people now but they won’t step up and help us.
I’m currently in a divorce with my narcissistic wife. She has gaslighted me for years, assaulted me 10 years ago and lies about that, telling me the police were going to arrest me. I have the report that identified her as the assailant. When we first decided to divorce we agreed to keep it amicable for our kids. As soon as she filed (on our daughter’s birthday) she then wrote lies and slandered me in the court documents as a drunken, verbally abusive piece of garbage. Anytime she has been civil, I know she is up to something. Another letter from her lawyer, another demand for money (she makes twice what I do, a lot of money) and moved into her parents’ home (where I’m sure she pays no rent). I paid all the utilities for 7 months until we got the home sold and she left me with $3k+ in marital debt I paid myself. I am 20k in with lawyers and mediators and she still is refusing to offer a fair amount in support. Our mediator was very frustrated with her refusals to accept any offers or responsibility. She believes that because she wills it, then it’s true. She is truly a sick individual.
The judge is SUPPOSED to base their judgements on facts and numbers but this is not always the case. If you get a bad judge and your Narc puts on an Academy award winning performance you may get screwed and re victimized by the court, as in my case. Now I am stuck appealing a bad judge’s ruling and in the meantime my ex gets to spread lies about me and I can do nothing about it. So beware and educate yourself ahead of the trial.
Timims,
You are not helping your own case by stereotyping women. All women do not think they are perfect anymore than all men are selfish, over-grown children. It is more accurate to admit that this is the type of woman you are attracted to. It is easy enough to go online and see what Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) looks like. There are certain behaviors that define this type of person, and it is not “all bull and more labelling.” Unless your ex meets the conditions, you can’t say she is a narcissist.
I understand you are angry. But unless you remain cool and calm in the courtroom, you will look more and more like the out of control one to the judge. Do your best not to give your ex more ammunition to destroy your credibility. If she is actually a narcissist you will play right into her hand by not remaining cool, calm and dispassionate.
You don’t say whether or not you have children. If so, please, please, please for the love of your children, do not drag them into the divorce by speaking negatively about Mom in their hearing. Divorce is a GROWN-UP matter. Dragging them into your battles only stresses them out and makes them feel responsible, confused, and downright frightened about losing one parent’s love if they love the other. It is wrong to make children choose sides. If you do have children, let them know that both Mommy and Daddy love them. That the divorce is a grown up matter and not their fault in any way. Reassure them that even though you will be living in different places, that Mommy and Daddy will always love you and do our best to never make you feel you have to choose one of us over the other.
Many narcissists are women who control and abuse their spouses and anyone that cares for the children, using the children as pawns and the presumption that only men are abusive. Please remember this when choosing your pronouns.
My single biggest regret in life is not fighting my sociopath ex in court for the divorce and our joint business.
At that time I was still so severely traumatized and trauma bonded that I was in no condition to fight. I simply did not have the strength.
I was afraid of him and I still felt loyal to him (trauma bonding). I had internalized his emotional abuse and believed that I was nothing and nobody, not even a person, certainly not someone with equal rights to the King, obviously not someone with her own property rights, but a mere servant and extension to the King of this Cult.
Oh how I wish I could go back with the strength I have now to oppose him in court and stand my ground and say NO.
During the divorce I was so desperate for it to just be over. But now my biggest wish is to go back to that time and fight instead of surrender.