The Narcissist HATES Being Ignored

How does a narcissist tolerate ignoring i.e. treating them like they were invisible? Theoretically, a true narcissist can’t tolerate being ignored….by anyone. Usually, they will act out or do anything to focus that person’s attention back to themselves. One of the best ways to get a narcissist to leave you alone (eventually) is to ignore them. A classic narcissist needs attention and praise… but not by everyone per se. There is a difference in how they respond depending on whether you are a random person providing-or not providing- narcissistic supply, or a valued love interest.

Interactions With a Narcissist

For a random person, there are generally three interactions as follows:

1.) The person gives the narcissist attention and praise.

Narcissist’s response: Continue to use that person to provide narcissistic supply.

2.) The person criticizes the narcissist or shows defiance (which may be in the form of ignoring).

Narcissist’s response: He or she will hate you and either holds a grudge or tries valiantly to convert your thoughts about them.

3.) The person ignores the narcissist, not criticizing nor providing attention (positive or negative) – maintaining a neutral position.

Narcissist’s response: He or she realizes that you aren’t worth their time (as you aren’t giving narcissistic supply) and ignores you right back.

However, being ignored by a love interest or from someone they value is a different story altogether. Many narcissists cannot handle the hit to their ego when they are rejected this way; so much so, that narcissists are (paradoxically) prone to suicide with too much exposure to such perceived criticisms.

Those are generalizations about classic narcissists. The truth, though, is that every narcissist will react differently… there is no one standard for how a narcissist will react when ignored. Some will react violently, some will be furious, some will stalk the person, some won’t care at all, and some will never truly have a “love” interest that they put that much value on.

“Love” may not necessarily be impossible for narcissists; they just view love differently than other people. Narcissists see love as a relationship where they are provided with a significant, highly valued source of narcissistic supply. Conquering a highly valued romantic partner is one of the best ways to attain this. Narcissists will fearlessly pursue a seemingly unobtainable love interest. Like fame, money, status, and power, acquiring a highly regarded partner is also a priority for many narcissists.

Rejection of a Narcissist

On the outside, a narcissist appears superior and invincible… but what about how they feel inside? Some might think that a narcissist wouldn’t care about being ignored by one person because of the hefty number of people who seem to worship him or her, but that’s not necessarily true.

Rejection hurts any normal person, but it nearly kills a narcissist! Why is that?  It is believed that narcissists became narcissistic as a result of the shame they suffered in early childhood. If a child was abused in childhood or neglected in such a way that made him ashamed of whom he is, then he will try to cope with, or cover, that shame in whatever way is available to him or her. Some individuals will become socially withdrawn while others will choose a different defense mechanism such as narcissism. He or she does their best to hide their alleged defects by projecting an air of superiority.

In order to maintain his feelings of superiority, a narcissist will exaggerate his own importance and will not listen to or accept anyone who tries to point out his or her flaws. That is why ignoring a narcissist hurts so much… because the act of ignoring him is viewed as an attempt to devalue his exaggerated worth and reminds him (or her) of his childhood shame.

How the Narcissist Responds to Being Ignored

The narcissist will devalue and demean those who don’t agree with him or those who point out his flaws. When being ignored, he generally will do one of two things:

1.) Label the person who ignored him as ‘inferior’ and thus give himself a reason to no longer think about the rejection

2.) If the ignoring person is highly valued and cannot be considered inferior, then the narcissist will then do his best to take revenge. It’s very common for a narcissist to treat someone badly just to “prove” to them that they are not important to him.


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76 Responses to “The Narcissist HATES Being Ignored”

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  1. Natalie says:

    I have also noticed narcissistic behavior in soldiers after basic training. I wonder, if a soldier was humiliated so badly in basic training that afterward, he would hide his alleged underachievement by his exaggerated worth?

    • Marika says:

      OMG! You just described what happened to my sister! She was always arrogant and narcissistic, but after basic, she was a full blown sociopathic narcissist! It was bizarre! She came home and immediately set about lying about everything from her rank to her IQ and even her shoe size, lol. Its been almost thirty years and she’s still cracked.

  2. Fern says:

    Three months ago, I ended my relationship with my narcissistic ex. He had been emotionally and sexually abusive, and had terrified me with his rages. I felt like I was dying – physically, emotionally and spiritually. With help (professional and personal,) I found the strength to break free.

    I ended the relationship by sending a text message and I told him that I didn’t want any further contact from him. As soon as I’d sent the text, I called my service provider and had my number changed. I don’t know if he replied or tried to call as my new number was in service within minutes. He hasn’t tried to make contact in any other way (ie by email or in person.)

    When we were together, I told him that I’d done NC with previous exes. He always made a point of saying that I wouldn’t have to do that with him because he wouldn’t stick around where he wasn’t wanted. For that reason, I feel confident that he won’t contact me. I believe that in his mind, not trying to contact me is a way of showing that he is superior to other men who had to be silenced.

    I’d appreciate any thoughts on whether or not he may contact me.

    • karen says:

      I think he may try to get in touch. But you need to look out for your own needs, not his. You need to build up your resilience and do NOT be tempted under any circumstances to have him back, even though some feelings will rise up in sympathy of him, maybe, from time to time. Just move on. Swiftly. Don’t waste even a minute dwelling on him. Live LIFE! Good luck

    • Vabelle says:

      I have a strong feeling he will. Its just a matter of time and circumstance in regards to other narcissistic supply. If he is able to get his supply elsewhere and have it last, then you may not hear from him for months, even years but that doesn’t mean he’s moved on and forgotten about you. You are in his mental warehouse just incase all other avenues fail and he needs you for old supply. He probably has others in that warehouse and when the chips are down, he casts his fishing net wide and takes whoever bites first. My ex does this often but he hasn’t got any other supplies, that match up to me in looks, personality and unfortunately, perceived gullibility. This is why he continues to come back. I can’t let him go because I truly still care about him and I think he could be prone to suicide. However, Im learning to keep him at a distance where he can’t hurt me but I can still help him. I wouldn’t suggest this approach for all unless you are strong enough to deal with them.

  3. Carlia says:

    Before I realized on a website that my ex was a narcissist, he discarded me again after coming back into my life after dumping me 10 years ago. He told me that it was up to me if we should remain friends or not. I decided not to. For more than a year, I never talked to him. However after creating my website, and publishing two stories in national magazines, I sent an email to everyone in my address book—including him. He looked at it, I know because of the web logistics. I’m curious though, did it make him jealous do you think? Other people I contacted sent me a group email thanking me for the free copies of my stories. I didn’t send him one, though. Do you think that it hurt his feelings? He wouldn’t look if he didn’t care, right?

    • Marcy Martinez (MarcyPoe) says:

      He probably feels the following: indifference or envy or both; either way, he just doesn’t care. And in another sense, he may know that you are wondering if he will respond -therefore, once again attempting to have some sort of control- and so by ignoring you, he is showing you that he doesn’t care, so as to try to stir up some emotion in you.

      • Blue says:

        Why do you even care what he is thinking? It just shows he still has a hook in you Do not waste your time He does not care and never did I was involved with an N for 15 years and I can tell you they do not care about you Stop wasting your life and move on Nothing hurts an N;s feelings because they do not have normal feelings!

  4. Nicki says:

    I left a narcassist last year fleeing with my children. I blocked his number and bought a cheep phone for contact re children.
    He is a total weirdo! I refused to mediate with him and stated why, I’ve tried the break up row (via email) but am greeted by business type responses!
    Anyway I’ve give up. This relationship was never normal so I’m never going to get the normal end I longed for.
    I just blank him now. See how he likes it, the silent treatment was a punishment he often used to me. I blocked his emails calls and texts! I’ve no idea if he knows where I live as I’ve never told him. My family deal with contact however I will retrieve the kids from him and ignore his presence and just speak to the kids. He may utter the odd word about “what has happened” during their contact – I hear it but I don’t acknowledge it. I know my kids well enough to know if they are hungry tired or unwell and don’t need to know what they’ve eaten etc.
    Not sure if ignorance is the best thing to do, it is hard as I am a human and I did love this man, but I have had to oust him out of my thoughts (just like he used to do to me)
    Does anyone else use this strategy?

    • Truthseeker says:

      Ha. I am in the middle of giving him silent treatment too. After three affairs, I am done. We have three children, but he doesn’t even want them. It’s so sad. Our youngest is only 1 and as cute as a button! He never shows remorse and blames me for everything. He will never take responsibility for his actions. He is textbook narc.
      What has happened since you wrote this post?

    • dawn says:

      I am going to full no contact. After a nasty divorce my narc tried to blackmail me. when I wouldnt change the agreement or the child support he went no contact. I now have an attorney for a modification of custody to get full physical and legal custody. I will have to attempt some contact so he cannot say I alienated the kids but that will be through the attorney and not from me any longer. He probably doesnt care because he doesnt even attempt to talk to the kids because he hates me so much. BUT…either way I am taking control back!

  5. Jacqui says:

    I have been in a relationship with a man for nearly 8 years. He told me he was separated at the time, only to discover he went back to his wife. I ended it a few times, only to have him pursue me. He left his wife and we began our journey. He was a drug addict and ended up losing everything, and has bad credit that will never come right. I helped him by taking him to out patient rehab, he relapsed twice. On the 3rd attempt he has been sober and clean for nearly 3 years. In the 5 years whilst still abusing drugs and alcohol, it was a life of extreme highs and lows. We lived together a number of times, me having left him more times. He is horribly controlling, and gets verbally aggressive. I have had 2 other marriages where I am still in contact with them and am very friendly with them and have great relationships with them, albeit the relationships ended. My attraction to this man was his so-called passion and love of life. The very first holiday we went on together right in the beginning, I remember coming back and thinking I could not continue, as he is so controlling. On one of the occasions when I left, he had a relationship with one of his AA members which I did not know about. On returning to the relationship, yet again, this was kept from me. On my birthday, he picked a fight with me and left. I found disgusting messages that he had sent to this woman. I was broken and ended the relationship. We then later got back together – total insanity, I know! we went for counseling together and I discovered I am codependent, which he doesn’t like the sound of. I do not assert as I am afraid of his reactions. I married him nearly 5 months ago. But now I find that I am paying the household bills, while he shows how he has changed and how wonderful he is to his 2 ex wives and pays for all their needs – he has one child with the first and one adopted child with his 2nd wife who has FAS. My son chose to go to boarding school because he would rather be there than live with this controlling man. And my daughter does not want to be around us either. My son leaving, sent me into shock and realization that I have been isolated and left alone with this person that I have no respect for. I am a successful business person, but only now after 8 years have discovered just how much I have put my little family through and how much I have been used and abused. I also realize that throughout the relationship he has never been there for me when I have needed him emotionally, but I have to be there for him always. I sometimes think that he may have proposed to me so that there is an appearance of a happy family where his FAS child can come and live – who I have not been allowed to have contact with in 5 years due to his mother not allowing it. She is also a prescription drug addict and he wants to fight this. I think using this false appearance of a blissful family life. I believe the FAS child is the perfect child to feed what he needs. I left the common home – which belongs to me. I have not been back in 2 weeks. I am ignoring him and I have I instituted divorce proceedings and have served a notice for him to vacate my home. In spite of all this, I sometimes feel guilty, I feel sorry for him and feel like I am the one to blame, so when his “nice” messages come through, they tug at my heart strings. I am in counseling to stay strong. But for the first time I have realized the exact nature of what has happened to me, even though I attended alanon meetings and heard the word “codependent” I did not really understand what was happening to me. Some once said to me that these people don’t have relationships, they take hostages. I have been held captive for all this time. It’s time to start having a love affair with myself! Thank you for your insightful website. The more I read, the more knowledge I gain to help me on the road to recovery.

  6. John says:

    My covert N girlfriend had me completely fooled. She worshipped me, and said that she knew one day I would leave her. (She had a very bad childhood.) I was in love with her- and would never have left her. I wanted to marry her. She moved away for work and we said we would continue to make it work. Her calls became less frequent. She devalued me over time, and then discarded me saying that she knew I would never be happy with just friendship. I said that I wanted to stay friends, and she then did everything to hurt me – ignoring emails etc. Eventually I told her we should stop contact. She had a Narcassistic rage by email. I got a volley of aggressive and nasty texts. I ignored all of them. I could tell that this was driving her mad- the fact that I would not react.
    Three weeks later – because I’m a soft hearted stupid fool- I message her. She tells me that I have hurt her more than anyone in her entire life, and that she does not think that she wants to let me get so close to her again! We start messaging for a week. Then she starts to ignore me again! Really – it’s all games. I end up more confused. You can never win. I have since blocked her contact. I need to move on. She does not care about me- I have to accept it.

    • gir1 says:

      Exactly the same with me…I have cut all contact with him on march 29th and I am just try to feel better….my soul was raped for over 4 years…uuuggghhh

      • melody says:

        No contact since Feb,17th. He finally stopped calling, texting May 24th. Hardest thing I have ever had to do. I love this man, but have learned from therapy and being devalued more times in 9 years then I honestly can remember and all the while being told it was me that treated him badly because I wanted a normal life was all. My therapist has told me that he loved me as much as he is capable of loving, that’s not saying much. I know that the PTSD and mental problems I am having were not worth the hell I went thru at his hands so please listen to the voice in your head telling u to run and get away. I will never be the same person or love anyone again. Trying to put my life back together but its extremely hard.

    • tara says:

      Hi John,

      I can really relate to your situation with your ex. I am currently going through a horrible custody battle with mine, who also sounds just like a Narcassist. He keeps playing games with my head. All I was trying to do was get the truth from him, and because he lies so much, even when he doesn’t have to, I just can’t trust anything he says. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to trust again, because I could run into another person just like him, and I just can’t handle it anymore. I’ve even made the mistake more than once of letting him know I still care and want to try to work things out for the benefit of our son, and he actually had me thinking he would work things out with me when I get back out to Oregon, but then I am now informed he’s got a new girlfriend. Which I stupidly got angry about, and am so angry with myself for showing any weakness. I wish I could block all contact because it would make it easier to move on, but we have a child together, and I have to be able to check on my son. So that just makes it harder. But I am slowly getting the point after talking to family and friends that he just doesn’t care, even though he said he does or did, and that I need to move on, because he doesn’t want me anymore, I’ve been told I’ve served my purpose and now he’s done with me. So I guess I’ve got to get the strength to go on and be done with him as well. Email back if you like. I am also looking to find someone to talk to because I’m hurting really bad from this and would like to find other people to talk to that have been through this or have gone through this.

      • Elizabeth says:

        Dear Tara

        I can feel your pain. This seems to be very new to you and I hear how hard it is for you – I know. Keep talking as long as you want to. I still do after almost two years and it helps us to heal fully. The worst we can do is try to suppress our pain or suppress the feelings we want to share. Keep sharing and keep reading. Scott M Peck ‘People of the Lie’ will give you one of the best full understandings of the depth of their mental illness. The more you understand and the more you know just how sick that person really is and always will be – there is no treatment, there is no cure – the more you can detach healthily knowing this is a blessing in disguise. Also, if you can read all five of Dr Brien Weiss books you will feel the ‘very big picture’ of our lives in such a meaningful, loving and kind way. He is amazing. This suffering rises to a new epiphany and another and another and there are so many gifts waiting for you to understand more and to completely heal. You are loved. You are Worthy. You, probably like me and like John (above) and like all of us here, have given genuine love and have a clear conscience that we have all done the very best that we can. I have almost finished my book after two years of research and 25 years Marriage, I had tried with all I had and all I could give and I fully understood all of my husband’s childhood through five siblings over 28 years, they need more than anyone can give them and they have practised many, many years not knowing what love really means. No-one can fill their voids, it is a paradox of love they can’t understand and they can’t show. This is not a physical disability that can be seen or a mental disability that can be heard, this is an emotional disability that has been stunted mostly to the degree, it can never be developed enough for healthy love. The worse their behaviour, the more sick they are. Remember you are always Loved and you are always Worthy. Even the most highly skilled psychiatrists who try to treat the disordered, don’t always recognise the facade, the mask, the Dr Jeckyll. We pray there’s a way to get through to them but I can’t find one word in the world that has. We have been given a gift to love and now we have, we let them go as they want to and we have been given a gift for the opportunity to receive genuine love. I trust that everyone here will receive and will heal completely, knowing that we have done the very best that anyone with so much love to give, can. Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it. Read, talk, read and talk some more – you will know what heals you and you are the one most capable of healing yourself. Take as long as you need and remember don’t bottle it up, don’t suppress it, don’t avoid. Feel as you feel and cry if you need, feel lonely if you need, feel angry if you need and you are justified and right, then feel tiny, tiny baby steps of realisation that your soul is bigger than your loss. And our loss, is not a loss but an opportunity to have genuine love in our lives. I wish you peace and my comfort whenever you need. it.

      • Chris says:

        Dear Tara

        I can really relate with your story. I feel hook link and sinker for a girl I think is the same exact way. She could be so convincing saying things like I want us to be a family etc. She says she is pregnant with our child. I have never been to a doctor with her never saw her take a pregnancy test nothing. She left will not tell me where she is. The lies are like being stabbed in the heart over and over. I still don’t know the truth. I am trying to forget about her but it’s like a drug addiction and is very hard. I am depressed but am mad at myself for being depressed thinking I’m stupid from being depressed about a person that probably is capable of caring about me. I truly wish you the best of luck and the only thing I can offer is we have to learn to love ourselves and care about ourselves. These people pray on people like us that feel like we aren’t good enough.

  7. Samantha says:

    I was with my narcissistic ex for about 6 years. Well I’m not 100% sure whether or not he suffered from narcissism because he has never been diagnosed by a professional but his personality does match a lot of the traits regarding narcissism. For starters, the relationship was perfect and intense in the beginning. He told me he loved me after only knowing me for a week. Also spoke about having kids and marrying me someday. I thought he was perfect. After awhile he began asking me for money. If I didn’t give it to him on time he would get mad and yell at me and tell me he couldn’t rely on me. Everything was always about him, nothing was ever about me. If we went out and I wanted to buy something for myself he would throw and temper tantrum and go home. When we lived together he would go into rages and forcefully kick me out when he knew I had nowhere to go. He would push me and throw my things in the hallway and demand I leave. While refusing to let me take my cell phone or purse with me I guess to spite me so that I wouldn’t be able to get anywhere. Sometimes he would do this in the middle of the night. When I left he would call me later crying begging for me to come back. He would never be intimate with me after a year. I would see him on sex and dating websites trying to meet other girls for sex. He would always deny this behavior and tell me I was insecure and crazy. If I did confront him about cheating he would tell me that it was my fault and if I had given him enough attention he wouldn’t have to cheat. Sometimes he would threaten to hit me and get in my face with his fists balled up. He would spend money on prostitutes but refuse to buy anything for our kids. When I would get fed up and try to leave he would harass me nonstop calling me and sending me vulgar text messages. If he broke up with me for someone else it was always my fault. After a while I began thinking I was crazy. I even questioned if I saw things I knew I saw. His exes would tell me he was crazy and psycho and would stalk them when they broke up. Sometimes he would send me text messages threatening to kill me or end my life. He would go back and fourth between highs and lows. He always discarded me when he met someone else but would continue bothering me when the girl wasn’t available. It was a nightmarish situation. I would beg for him to just leave me alone and he would refuse telling me we had kids therefore I could never get rid of him.

  8. Kimberly says:

    This article has great information. I’ve been stalked for 1.5yrs by a Narcissist. We became friends because our children were friends. She eventually moved to my street to be closer to me. I didn’t know much about her at first but as she opened up I started to see her dark side. She seemed mentally unhinged at times. She started flirting with my husband calling him sexy all the time in front of my child. She told me stories like that her boss had come on to her at work. She said another friend’s husband wanted her and sent her inappropriate pictures. She said her husband’s best friend wanted her. She eventually told me her brother had sexually abused her as a child. All the things she said made me more and more cautious of her. Eventually she asked if I would share my husband with her and she asked it right in front of my child. I stopped being her friend right then. Since ending the friendship she has stalked me through social media, she will mimic everything I do on social media and then tell the new friends she’s dragged into her life that it’s me copying her. They’re gullible to it because they haven’t gotten to her dark side yet. When we were friends she told me she was going to use the neighbors across the street from her so she could get close to the rich entrepreneur that is the boss of the neighbor. She has done just that. She befriended them right away and they have no clue. I’ve been ignoring her for several months but she hasn’t given up yet. In fact just in the last couple of days she found my Google plus account and began following who I follow. She’s been doing the same with Pinterest and Instagram. She tried to pretend to be moving for awhile but is still living on my street. This is terrible to say but I’m hoping eventually that she will become more obsessed with someone else than with me so she’ll go away.

    • Been There, Done That. New Day says:

      Are there no moderators to this forum? No offense and Joe knows this, but narcissists become the center of attention in any possible situation they can. Seems that is the case in this forum. There should have been a shelf life (on Joe’s part) re answering questions, not handing out his e-mail address to vulnerable bloggers, which is mainly women in this forum. They were easily drawn into Joe’s new found importance in this room. Never stroke a narcissist for any reason. Posters, please back up and try to read what I’m conveying objectively.

  9. paris says:

    Kimberly give that woman her walking papers!!! Would you expose your family to poisons? This woman is toxic and dangerous.

  10. Heather says:

    This is extremely intense.
    I never new there were such cruel people in the world. I truly believed my ex. Who now I see as a narcissistic con man.
    I got a restraining order once I seen the pattern of lies and rebuttals. He has left scars on my body and confuses my children and I so much.
    Do you think a narcissistic is capable of murder if jealous enough?
    I have ignored him for 6 weeks now, so he tries to befriend my brother, then threatens him. Then try and be his friend again. Then trys to make my brother feel bad for him saying he lost his finger and going to the hospital. I’m so sorry to my brother. I’m so great full he has looked out for me and ignores him. I hsve fallen for the ploy. Its a ploy for attention. Crazy Right! There are times I get so scared and feel like a sitting duck. I have his son and filed for child support and he is now trying to get joint custody but I looked up his record and he has so many assaults and is a convicted felon. I have no record. I just don’t understand why someone could steal your heart and drain your soul. Then calls me crazy. I pray his money won’t by his son. I believe better. So if he ends up not getting his way I feel he would seriously hurt me.
    Does anyone have a similar story that end up better. I can use the encouragement. Thanks

  11. Annoymous says:

    Can these people kill? I am concerned about the ex N coming back to kill me.

    • Alexander says:

      The only possible answer to this is following: go to the police if you feel threatened before its too late.

    • Joe says:

      Please dont lump every narcissist into “these people”. Some of use actually want to get better and fix our mental defect that was created as a child.

  12. Joe says:

    I’m a full blown diagnosed narcissist, it sucks. I’m trying to not lose a 25+ year marriage to a beautiful caring woman. I know I have problems, therapy hasn’t helped but sights like this have.

    When something happens in my life I try and step back, see how a narcissist would react, ask a friend and then react accordingly.

    I think people don’t fully understand it’s not a choice we are like this. It’s a coping mechanism we built as a child and in many ways know no different. Not an excuse just a simple fact. It’s instinctive to act ans behave a certain way and getting past t that is tiresome, exhausting and draining. But, I push forward to try and undo 40+ years of wrongful thinking.

    Like the site and I learn how to change by reading and listening to people such as you who have been hurt by people like me.

    • Deb says:

      Joe, I commend you for acknowledging and trying to rectify your behaviour.
      However in my experience it amazes me that my NPD partner doesn’t behave in his normal customary manner in front of anyone except myself and the children .
      So he knows exactly hat he is doing. If he didnt he would act that way in all walks of life ?
      Oh he is revered to those he spends time with,however he has no real friends only acquaintances .
      People have been blind sighted by his Oscar award performances . Myself and our kids all have been labelled by those he has worked his magic on…….I would love any of these said people to see the REAL him….not this chameleon who plays charades . That’s the most cruelest part. They do know right from wrong ..they must if they choose when to and not to behave so cruely

      • Deb says:

        I tend to agree, my N husband of 16 years …knows exactly when to not show this nasty cruel personality . And saviours it all up for me, my children, my family . If people saw the hell we endure that he has eluded them too …the would be mortified . Instead he has his supply fooled . And we are labelled the problem. My god even as 4 and 6 year olds my kids were labeled the issue by whom I now know as his narcisstic mother !!! Are you kidding me….they are kids. He is a adult and his behaviour has and is appalling.
        It infuriates and bewilders me how they know how to act in front of those that wouldn’t tolerate it …but treat their own family so poorly

      • Joe says:

        Hey Deb,

        Thanks, I am trying, it is a struggle daily but my wife is patient and knows it takes time. I do want to work past it and be “normal”. It is just very hard after 40+ years of messed up thinking.

        As far as your hubby, its not a performance. We know how to make people like us. We also know how to get (use) others that we “feed” off of. Typically our spouses first, love ones and then friends.

        Our friends are disposable unless they can take the abuse from us. I burnt through SO many friends and the ones that stayed for some sadistic reason liked the abuse I shoveled onto them.

        Only speaking for me, I really didn’t know right from wrong as much as I knew what I perceived as right and what others did.

        Dont know if any of this makes sense or not.

        – Joe

    • melody says:

      Joe, do you think you feel anything is changing for you?

      • Joe says:

        Yes, I absolutely do. Life is SLOWLY getting better. My wife and I fight less and less. I am more cognizant about my mouth and words I say.

        It is a slow process but I definitely see a difference and progress.

        – Joe

    • Elizabeth says:

      For Joe,

      It takes enormous courage and strength to face the truth and then to make amends and to learn so many new ways to think and to act. I wish you every success for yourself and your Marriage. Please put away your defenses about ‘these people.’ Please practice empathy/compassion. I was married for 24 years and my husband always came first and I supported him in everything he wanted. Now I have nothing, no home, no furniture, nothing. All I have left is photos which remind me how my husband ended up treating me and our sons/his own children. Most of us here have lost more than everything we have ever worked for, we have lost our worth, our hope and we are literally shells of who we used to be. It’s the same damage as you had done to you as a child – everything that was good has been taken and now I’m middle aged and everything I’ve work for over twenty years I either gave to him feeling guilty for leaving or having to sell what was left without any job after hundreds of application. In Australia only 30% of people between 18 – 55 have work here now. Also remember that there are still many people who don’t understand disorders are directly caused by childhood trauma. I understand you pain because it was then enacted out on me and I understood your defensiveness because I as many here have tried to enact it – anything to save our Marriages and our Families. Defensiveness doesn’t work. Understanding another, compassion for another is all that matters. I read recently about a psychiatrist who was working with the triad of severe disorders and after I have researched for almost two years and understand the full effects of childhood trauma from my husband his siblings over 28 years, I believe this psychiatrist has found a breakthrough. He is now concluding his studies ready for publication and his treatment sounds simple and I believe incredibly effective but I understand it is very hard to do. Your facing the truth shows you have the courage and the strength and the genuine love inside of you ready to be practised. Each day for at least two hours at once or a couple of one hours or four half hours it doesn’t matter. Take a story like mine, or like anyone’s here or from a movie or a book or another real life story that has been told you before and really concentrate and write and think about all the ways that you can feel sorry for the person who has been harmed. Read everything you can about sympathy and compassion and every time you can do this it will eventually get easier for you until you can feel empathy – success. When you’re not acting or you’re not totally disinterested in another’s suffering, you will have successfully treated what was taken away from you as a little child. When you can genuinely feel for another, your life will change in ways that my husband called Cloud 9 and hoped this bubble would never burst. It felt amazing. It will possibly be a lifelong practice/ritual for you, but the rewards will be worth it. I wish you peace that comes with healing.

  13. Rita says:

    Joe, Thanks so much for your input. I think its wonderful that you are being pro-active about addressing your issues and trying to make things right moving forward. As most Narcs are quite contempt in the way they are and actually think others a pitiful and would rather be the one dishing out than taking.

    Unfortunately I only realized by Ex husband was an Narc after are marriage had already ended, towards the end I realized something was terribly wrong as such started to research and alot of his characteristics were inline with Aspergers and which is actually very similar to Narcissism Disorder only differences is Aspies are born that way while Narcs have a learned behavior that has developed over time.

    I really want to close the door on my 5 years of hell with my ex but unfortunately i have 2 children from the Marriage as such have to continue to deal with the situation. He had an older child from a previous marriage in which the mother of that child just zoned him out but her daughter suffered as result of her mother doing this, as she was left to deal with her fathers games and she has become quite the Narc herself which is so sad.

    I’m just trying to find a happy medium where i can exclude my ex from my life but stay involved enough to protect my children (5 &2 yrs old)

    I know my ex knows that he is a Narc but unlike Joe he is proud of this and chooses to continue to live with this darkness and victimize those close to him :(

    • Joe says:


      Sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately YOU realizing he has a disorder and HE accepting it is two different things. I was in denial for decades. Lost friends, money and almost my family. Put my wife through hell 10x over and the angel she is she stuck with me.

      As far as for you, it is a catch 22. You need to remove him in ALL social aspects if possible and keep communication to a bare minimum. He (we) will wiggle our way in and use you. Manipulate you and suck you back in. I was a master at it and sadly hurt many people doing it.

      The pride of having NPD is the sheer proof of how messed up he is. How can we be proud we have a disorder that makes us THINK we are better than anyone else? The fact he is proud of it is very sad and shows there is little hope he will get better and have a “normal” life.

      I’ll be honest, there use to be a HUGE adrenaline rush using people. Beating them mentally and showing how much smarter and better I was then them. But looking back it was sad, I hurt many people and only showed that I was selfish, insecure and shallow.

      Sorry to hear about your situation. I am always here to talk to or allow you to try and understand our twisted mindset. I still have weekly relapses but my wife and I try to reflect and look at what set it off, why I thought that way and what I can do next time to make it better and different.

      – Joe

  14. Ness says:

    Joe, I have read widely about narcissism and most individuals it seems would never admit to being a narcissist. It is interesting you have gained the insight to try and deal with what’s not working for you. I was with my X for 3 years, in this time he burnt quite alot of friendships. His response was that everyone eventually leaves him but they are the idiots for not seeing how fantastic he is, in other words..their loss. Yes, he didn’t really care. He is in business for himself and I have seen him promise what he knows he can’t deliver just to make a sale. He used friends supposedly what his friends thought about me to pressure me many times into accepting is behaviour because apparently they couldn’t believe he would put up with me. He has lied and cheated with apparently no remorse. He has been abusive in every way. I left him and returned a total of 6 times. Now he wants me to give it another go and can’t understand why I wont. He ruined me financially etc. I have rejected his advances continually this time, now he’s frustrated and moved into abuse. It’s always someone elses fault. What I found very interesting is that you get a high from winning over people, I always thought it was about winning me back again. As soon as I returned he changed back to the man I left. He hates it when I started getting back on my feet when I leave him, this is my last rebuild. It’s been an exhausting time and he has hurt me over and over again. Thanks for sharing your experience. Very helpful and good luck

  15. Joe says:


    If I cant admit it I can not fix my issue. Most of us would feel as though it is OTHERS that loss our friendship when the reality is it is WE that burn the bridges cause people can see how shallow we eventually are.

    Remorse is a tough thing I still struggle with. It is a concept many of us do not understand, that emotion is lacking in many of us. Not through our fault but through a wall we build. Cheating or not, we don’t want to lose you ( our narcissist supply) but at the same time dont overly care that we hurt you. I see no the damage I have done and am learning to deal with the ramifications of my selfishness. I have an amazing wife that is still with me but certain things I will never get back (for now at least) because of the damage I’ve done.

    The reason he wants you back is multifaceted. A – He wants to “Win”. By getting you back he proves to himself he is needed. B – He wants to not feel rejected, for most of us it is the worst and most VILE emotion. C – Needs to show himself he did nothing wrong, it is YOU that made the relationship fail. By coming back to him you prove he is superior and did nothing wrong.

    He did get a high out of winning you back, but once completed he reverted back to who he truly is\was.

    Sorry for your situation and hope you stay strong. Anyone can feel free to email me her rvulyenom at gmail.

    • Helen says:

      Dear Joe

      My husband is on a cusp of narcissism I think. His childhood trauma was the worst of his five siblings and he has never hurt a fly in the 25 years we have been married until now – he has betrayed our Marriage and regrets it but ended our Marriage because his narcissistic mother 76 told him to. He told me then our children then the one only Psychologist he would meet with me that ‘he can’t go against his parents’. I know he’s always needed their approval/admiration but I’ve tried to talk to him about them in order to save our Family but as you have written the denial is there and so strong.

      Is there anything ever said to you or written or you’ve seen somewhere that helped you to become more aware, to accept and to admit? I wondered if there was some ‘break through’ moment of how you came to realise and know it.

      One other thing I’ve read is there needs to be an intervention like someone who has an addiction where the loved ones speak or write of their love and concern and how his behaviour has made us feel. If you were talking to a (my husband said this) ‘so confused’ husband/father, what would you say to get through to him? Do you think there’s something he can hear? That would wake him up?

      • Joe says:


        Sorry to hear what you are going through. I am a unsure what to say about “bringing your husband to awareness” about his disorder. I will say I have spoken with a number of men that have this disorder and tell them all them same thing, this is something that is not our fault but something that will ruin our lives it is not gotten control over.

        It is so programmed in our brains to react a certain way that one has to “step outside the box” and reflect on ones own behavior to see that we are not normal in our though process and social attributes.

        I became aware because my life was crashing and I realized I would lose everything including that which was most dear to me, my wife. I cheated, lied and did all the things that the rest of the women’s husbands on here did, the only different was my wife is a saint and angel from God and stuck through it all until I “came out of it”.

        We are working together and have seen tremendous progress. She knows I need to be able to talk to her about what is going on in my head and similarly she is aware of how she says things to me may have a negative impact due to my self insecurities. It is work in progress.

        So, I dont kn ow what to tell you about snapping your hubby out of it other than it is something no one else can do but himself. We need to accept we are dysfunctional in many ways, something most wont and cant admit.

        – Joe

        • Helen says:

          Thank you for your response Joe, it is deeply appreciated. I am very slowly coming to terms that I hear everywhere and from everyone that there’s nothing I can do or say. I am very happy for you and your wife and wish you all the Very Best.

    • jo griffiths says:

      Hi Joe,
      I have been with my ex partner,(narcissist) for 19 years. In my case, it is so similar to most others I have read. I left him for good 6 weeks ago and have managed ‘no contact,’ absolutely. (I left him 6 times before that but did not take my furniture or my dear dog so had to go back.) He has texted me twice to say-‘if you need money, tell me,’ which I have ignored. My mobile rang with a ‘with held’ on the screen, so I let it ring and ignored it.
      The latest is he has sent me a cheque for £250, which I will not cash. (i have not returned it, just ignoring it.) Years ago, he stalked me every day for over 3 weeks until I gave in.
      I know that ignoring him will drive him bonkers, but you see, even if he wants revenge, he cannot really do anything, as I happen to know that he owes about £10,000. (to the council where he lives.) If I reported him, he would lose his freedom and have to pay it. (He has not got that much in his bank.) So what will happen to him, psychologically, due to the fact that he is.. I suppose, “trapped,” with no recourse to revnge, as to hurt me he would have to hurt himself?

  16. Joe says:

    I’m a full blown diagnosed narcissist, it sucks. I’m trying to not lose a 25+ year marriage to a beautiful caring woman. I know I have problems, therapy hasn’t helped but sights like this have. I actually would enjoy therapists, I would run circles around them, and confuse them to the point of asking me not to return. This was BEFORE I really accepted my disorder for what it is, a mental DISORDER.

    When something happens in my life I try and step back, see how a narcissist would react, ask a friend and then react accordingly.

    I think people don’t fully understand it’s not a choice we are like this. It’s a coping mechanism we built as a child and in many ways know no different. Not an excuse just a simple fact. It’s instinctive to act ans behave a certain way and getting past t that is tiresome, exhausting and draining. But, I push forward to try and undo 40+ years of wrongful thinking.

    I apologize for everything you ladies are going through. It is a terrible mental disorder that is VERY hard for the individual with it to accept. I am a work in progress and grateful everyday my wife is with me.

    Like the site and I learn how to change by reading and listening to people such as you who have been hurt by people like me.

    • Joe says:

      Sorry for the above post, I was replying somewhere else and placed it here. I have no way to delete it.

  17. melody says:

    I always asked myself “what the hell is wrong with him” why can’t he just stay! Truth is he could not even if he told himself he really wanted too. He supposedly is in therapy and hopefully she will be able to diagnose him properly and for his sake help him. I pray for him, but at the same time so angry with him. Feeling very lost and alone by all of this. I lost someone that I really never knew. Makes no sense of to me right now. As time passes perhaps someday my mind and heart will be free

  18. rj says:

    Hey, Joe ! What is your email address? I would like to ask you some questions about my somatic narcissist.


    • Joe says:

      Hey RJ, feel free to email me at rvulyenom@

      Look forward to hearing from you and hope I can answer any questions you may have.

      – Joe

  19. Jen says:

    My husband tried to leave me in September 2013 as he had been out for a drink with a female colleague and apparently wanted to end it after 13 years of marriage. I was a mess as before that we had had arguments like any other couple but I didn’t realise he had apparently been unhappy for 2 years. We had had a baby in that time, our 4th and she was only 4 months old when he tried to go. He treated me appallingly from sept to the April when I told him to go. I found text messages saying how in love he was with this woman and she was with him. I truly believe he is a narcissist as he displays most of the traits listed on websites. What I cannot understand is why he has done this to me and our four children ? He has lied and took great pride in not spending Easter Sunday with us but spent it with his mistress. He swore on the children’s lives that he wasn’t cheating on me. He controlled all finances, removed every penny from my bank account and took my car. I have managed to get my feet back on the ground and got myself a car. I don’t understand it at all we were having sex everyday (sometimes twice) and he really wanted a fifth baby. I’m now wondering if that was all about control too. He always used to say I was lucky to find him who was willing to give me lots of children. I’m just looking for a bit of advice really ! Thanks in advance

    • Joe says:


      Hard to say if he is a narcissist from the info you have given here on this page. Sounds to me like a mid life crisis and he wants his cake and eat it too.

      Dont confuse sex with love and love with sex. For a man sex for the most past is a physical act, for women it is typically an expression of love. Having sex with him is not going to keep him or make him stay. What it may do is get you and STD depending on where his mistress has been.

      Sorry to hear about your situation and hope it improves. Just remember that is it not always something you have control over to fix and you need to look out for you and the children first and foremost.

      – Joe

  20. jo griffiths says:

    please joe, could you read my post on july 18th. do you think he is ‘looking’ to be punished? (i have not reported him though.)

    • Joe says:

      I couldn’t find it.

      Feel free to email me at rvulyenom at gmail

      I dont know where you posted that on the 18th so I can not respond, sorry.

      – Joe

      • jo griffiths says:

        Hi Joe, it is under,’The narcissist hates to be ignored,’ and I posted it on July 18th at 08.39 am. Best. Jo

  21. rick says:

    I ended the relationship with mine after only 4.5 months. Too many lies and hiding stuff, going behind my back. Then there was the emails to the ex I found out about. Cut all ties and then got dozens of phone calls and emails and texts for 2 weeks (guess this is what they call the hovering), first angry, then insulting, then right back to pleading how much love for me.

    wrote a long detailed email explaining why I have to move on. it outlined the relationship what I didn’t like about it (each thing I listed was a Narc trait/pattern).

    she went silent.

    not a single form of communication, then I started getting a ton of these silent/quiet phone calls from out of state numbers from all over the country. some would hang up right away if I answered with my voice. If I said anything then the caller sat there quiet but I could hear background noises and breathing. this has been going on for 5 weeks now. sometimes a few days will go by without a single call, then I will get hit with 7 to 10 of them, one right after the other, for up to an hour.

    I have read online that this is a form of punishment that they do to keep them in your mind, or maybe it is the only way to let out their anger.

    to all of you on here suffering, keep you head up. I am just now coming out of the “fog”, start hitting the gym again tomorrow. no more drinking and dwelling on if I was cruel, even though all of the signs were there, for leaving her like I did.

    worst part in all of this is the self doubt I feel/felt. it hangs on to you, drives you crazy

    • Joe says:


      Sorry to hear you had to go through all that. I am sure she is regretting the separation. You disempowered her, very hard to handle that as a narcissist.

      Best of luck and soon there will be no more calls !!!

      – Joe

      • Rick says:

        Thanks Joe,

        the calls have finally stopped and it has been one week. my anxiety and self doubt has gone down by as much as 80%, now I just have to deal with the embarrassment of knowing I was so easily manipulated by someone that has probably been pulling the same approach/strategy/manipulations on all/many of her past partners.

        I just hope she doesn’t try contacting me again as I know I was an extremely good source of supply but my last communication with her should have hit home that I have had enough.

        thanks again

        • Joe says:


          No reason to be embarrassed, we are masters of deception and manipulation. We can run circles around many trained therapists. We thrive on using, manipulating and showing how great we are and better we are.

          I pray she is gone and you can move on with your life.

          – Joe

          • Rick says:

            Thanks Joe,

            I really appreciate the positive reinforcement from you. helps a lot but cant help the way I feel.

            she use to always tell me over and over again that she has always had the ability to just walk away from any guy she was in a relationship if it didn’t work out. she says it only took her a week at the most to get back to being single.

            the disempowerment that you suggested I did to her never even occurred to me. maybe that is why I received 77 prank calls on my phone via Skype in 5 weeks time.

            my gut tells me she wont try to weasel her way in. I made it clear to her that I communicated the issues I was having with her to my family and friends and told her what they thought about all of it. if she was to come back, she would have to face them which means she would not be looking good.

            calls have pretty much stopped at this point. I might get a blocked number hear and there or a random 661 area code (out of state/Skype) call but it only happens maybe 1 a week now. my instinct tells me I got the better of her in this before she got to completely turn me inside out. I was almost there in such a short period of time.

            2 days after it all ended I did research on her, with help from friends, and found out she had been lying about some serious other issues like her ex that was suppose to be living in another state but was still here. that her ex was only 2 years younger than her but was actually only 21 (she is 30). her ex described their relationship as being “on again, off again and has been going on for quite some time”. I can only imagine she was with someone so inmature and ready to tell their story because he easy to control.

            the point of me posting all of this ? I don’t know. I feel like I need a vacation, to get away to get this off of my mind. I ended it but I feel defeated and don’t know why.

            This is tougher than I thought it was going to be, if I hear from her I will run to this blog for advice as I am exhausted.

  22. Susannah says:

    I have been no contact from malignant narc ( my adopted ‘parent’ ) female . Almost 2 years now never been happier , hope she suicides tbh , yes I have deep empathy for humans and animals and nature etc but not one bone in my body cam honestly coexist on this planet with ‘ it’ a name it blessed me withwhile scapegoating a child to makeherself feel betterabout her very very obvious inherant genetic disability , and yes I will call it that I was an ablebodied , minded child yet this evil monstrosity decidedshe would label me a theif from age 2 , a drug baby ( which I certainly was not ) disabled or mentally ill at 12 whenpeople started to notice her SICK behaviours , then homeless as my golden child adopted older brother flitted around the world on her credit cards , and enjoyed extavagent birthday parties and the sort whilei was locked in a girls jail after being sexually abused on the streets that were my home I saykill yourself Mrs Robinson, for the good of all humanity. So nowyoupsychiatrists know how a scapegostcan react after 42 years of constant unrelenting gaslighting scapegoating and bu
    lyingfabricating my entire lifeto others yet showsabsolutely no intetest in my actual life unless it was to deeply upset me , all my ‘ relatives ‘ know me as theone who pulled one over Helen that is very obviously NOT thecase at all I was a ypung vulnerable child this womanand I use the term very loosely isscum of the earth a parasite thst needs to be exterminated only ill leave that to her next victim, and enjoy my loving children and mybeautiful grandchild who also never want to see theevil ‘ it’ I once let them call Nana !

  23. Becca says:

    A woman has recently been employed at my work, and I strongly suspect she is a narcissist. Unfortunately, I have been supplying her with the attention and adulation she desires, and am now scrambling to get out of it! From what I’ve read online the best thing for me to do would be just not to work on her shifts, but this will be super inconvenient for me. As a passive and timid sort of a person, I’m a bit frightened to ignore her, for fear of her reaction! It will be easy for me to stop disclosing personal info, and it will be reasonably easy to just pay her less attention in general, but every time we see each other, she parades in front of me saying “Have I lost weight? Do you think I’ve lost weight?” Previously, I always said “Yes! You look great!” (even though I can’t really notice a difference) Oh if only I’d known what hole I was digging myself into!! So I’m not sure how I’ll go about answering her the next time she asks me this. If I say “I can’t really tell”, this is likely to deeply offend and/or enrage her isn’t it? I’m not sure what I’ll say to be honest! Anyone have any tips on a response to this question I KNOW is going to be directed at me??

  24. Justa says:


    You are in a precarious situation where you have become a pipeline for narcissistic supply. So if you pull the plug now, there will likely be hell to pay. The best advice I can give you is to try to turn the tide, by covertly using compliments as the reason for changing your behavior.

    Next time she asks this question, you could say, “You know, I’ve been thinking, that you are such a special person, that you shouldn’t be valuing yourself by your weight. So I am not going to encourage that by replying anymore. It’s you that really makes you the special person you are”.

    Then do everything you can, not to allow her to open up a new pipeline for supply, all the while never allowing her to feel diminished in your eyes.

    But I can tell you, that these people REQUIRE you to feel they are special, and if that’s not given to them, you will regret it big time. So always allow them to believe you think they are “special” but never let it go any further than that. Just act like your work and your life is just too busy to discuss anything in detail. (Before I get hate mail – this is the advice for people you have to WORK with, not for NPD’s that you LIVE with.)

  25. Glamourcat says:

    Hi Joe,
    You are the one I am most interested in. It’s rare that we get to get some insight into your side of this. Thank you for sharing. Hopefully we can help each other.

    I have story that is just like all the other stories of those on this site who have been involved in a narcissistic relationship. One thing that is so hard for us to understand is that the one thing they seemed to need is love and admiration, but then it never seems to be enough.

    Hope to hear from you Joe!

  26. Been There, Done That. New Day says:

    I would never placate a narcissist by telling them how “special” they are as a means to somehow gain distance. Saying that will have the exact opposite effect on them. I’ve unfortunately been on the receiving end of TWO sociopaths in this life time. To me, socios are narcissism in its worst capacity. Re being setup with “have a lost weight?” proddings, I would respond in a direct yet civil manner and limited eye contact say “I’m here to work, not to be an approvals rating” and go right back to working. They’ll have to find a new audience (victim) elsewhere.

  27. Justa says:

    I’m sorry to contradict you, but having seen narcissists in action at my work all my life, and having successfully dodged their abuse although seen many others succumb to it – I can guarantee you that the above response “I’m here to to work, not be an approvals rating” will definitely inflict an injury that a narcissist will make you pay for.

  28. Little mermaid says:

    I think the most empowering thing for me was the moment I learned that my narcissist ex was just that: a narcissist. I had a little mermaid moment and got my voice back.

    After being valued, devalued, and discarded for the third and final time, I said enough was enough and cut off contact for good. It was hard, but I just kept a note handy reminding me of his crimes (cheating, lying, two-timing, treating me like a yo-yo, and gaslighting).

    Also, reading books about narcissist partners helped tremendously. When you find yourself nodding and wide eyed when reading those books, the healing and recovery can finally begin. After chocolate and wine of course.

    My narcissist ex contacted me regularly for 6 months after cutting off contact. He was blocked on social media, email, and phone – but he would email from accounts he knew I did not know about. I finally broke no contact and told him to cease and desist. In my case, ignoring all contact wasn’t working. He just tried a different channel. I haven’t been contacted in 6 months, so hopefully that is a part of my life is all over. However, if another email crops up, I won’t be surprised.

  29. carol says:

    Hi out there my name is carol January it wii be 5 worse years of my like ihad to move out of my state were I lived all my life I don’t know any I am living with a cebrol narcissistic man and this evening is not a good one I try not to listen to he mouth tonight is very hard I am starring to cry can’t do that I have a stalmeent coming be for the first of the yesr and I will move back home I pray I just don’t know how long I can deal with him

    • Joe says:

      Hey Carol,

      Sorry to hear what you are going through. Avoid him at all costs and cut off contact.

      – Joe

      • Joe says:

        My husband of 8yrs. was the sweetest person I met in a long time since my husband death in 97. The funny thing when we met I owned 2 homes and had a good income coming, he is a contractor but owed the IRS $80,000. We met in Jan. 2005 and he surprised me with an engagement ring 3 months later and insisted we get married in Sept and we did had a nice wedding, I was his first marriage and this was my 3rd, but I was a widow for 8yrs. He has so good to me so I got him a lawyer and he claimed chapter 13 with the IRS and only had to pay $10,000 back over 5 yrs. I bought him a new truck which he promised to make the payments but work wasn’t doing well so I sold one house and paid the 32,000 off for the truck. In 2010 is when things started happening, he wanted me to buy this house way up in the mountains so I did and when I went to closing he wanted to be on the deed I told him he was still in chapter 13 and wasn’t allowed to own anything, but he insisted since he only had 7 months to go and I didn’t want to say anything at the office so he got put on. Then he wanted me to sell the truck because it would get all messed up in the mountains, so I sold it bought a 92 pickup and got $16,000 in cash so now this truck is in his name only and he holds the cash, which I never see again. Now he buys this other house in 2011 for $750.00 and refuses to put me on the deed said Im unstable, This house was a tax sale up here houses are cheap, so I got mad and we started yelling and the next day he leaves me for 2 months, I was so devastated, but let me explain this 3 months before his grandma dies and leaves him $37,000, this is Oct, 15, 2011 he gives me a kitchen which we didn’t have because of no money, he buys a $10,000 motorcycle and a car for $4,000, and xmas day I got nothing from him it was the next day he leaves me, comes back in Feb. broke and has a check from his dad for $4,000 you do the math. So he asks me to let him get a loan to fix up the other house by putting a lien on my house and he promised to put me on the deed and he would make the payments, so I do then 5days after he gets the loan he takes all the money and opens a bus. account and withdraws it from our acc. Now Im paying half the loan and his dad pays the other and Im still not on the deed. So much is happening that you would think that I’m crazy for allowing all this. Well I just got a PFA on his 2 weeks ago because he hit me and threatened to smash my face and bury me in the yard, he told me everything is my fault and that I deserve whats happening to me because I get to emotional over things. I cry all the time and beg him to forgive me, but now that the granted the PFA for 3yrs. I know I must have no contact, but I still look up things to try and figure out what is wrong with him. But everything I read about NPD is a picture of him, could I be wrong? please help me to figure this out is it me

  30. Good Gal says:

    Sounds like my Aunt Jean in Florida, she calls herself nannie. She destroyed her two children, her grandchildren and even plays favorites with her great grandchildren. My family has watched her play her games for more than 50 years, she promised the family business to every family member and her friends for decades, but still sits on her lazy ass in her deteriorating business, playing divide and conquer by phone. Currently she gets most of her narc. supply from one dumb grandson “Jamie” that is essentially an alcoholic in his 20’s. Thankfully the rest of the family has begun or has figured out she is nothing but garbage. Poor old james still hangs around looking for a hand out.
    He would jump through a hoop or ring of fire for a little more attention from nannie! LOL

  31. Dawn says:

    It is hard to breathe reading all of these stories. I know in my head I am not alone but the pain seems very lonely. After 18 year marriage, 2 actual divorces and 4 total filings, two protection orders and many times of leaving and coming back after destroying his life, I am divorced and free from my Narc. Except, we now have joint physical custody and legal custody. Which doesnt matter because he doesnt see the kids and has gone no contact. Sometimes I worry about myself thinking maybe I am the true narcissist! He makes me feel like it because I fought for my kids to keep them away from his drinking, drugs, reckless behavior and abuse. He literally told his new supply (32 year old with two small kids – hes 42) that I was abusive and would beat him. My jaw hit the floor. Blatant lies and I have spent the better part of a year defending myself.

    I have to go no contact as much as possible. I have to free my mind and heart. I just want to know why he still occupies my thoughts after a year? Why does he still matter. He isnt anyone I want to be around but i am still hurt.

    • Thelittlemermaid says:

      Hi Dawn,

      He will likely occupy your thoughts for a while, especially since you have children together. The ties will be harder to break. It is also difficult because he is pulling you back in with lies and he knows it will invade your mental real estate. Narcs know where to get you and which buttons to push. It makes them feel alive. He may be trying to get to you by feeding lies to the new supply.

      My advice is to keep a list of his offenses and read it every time he occupies your thoughts. You will need to condition yourself to see him as the person he really is and evaluate him by his actions rather than the false persona projects. You can also try the rubber band technique.

      You will have little control over his lies. Trust that people will eventually see the truth. Just remember that many of the people believing these lies are his current victims. They are already sucked in and under his spell. Unfortunately, they will learn soon enough ( after being discarded).

      Also, you narc ex will make you feel like the crazy one. It is called gaslighting. It is very common and you are not alone on that one at all!

      Stay strong and hang in there!

  32. Ady says:

    Reading all these stories is a real revelation. I have made a vow to myself to read stuff like this daily, as I am recently ended with a narc & keep feeling tempted to text him, further supplying him, & enduring more stonewalling. I feel my mental health has been seriously compromised. It will take time to heal.

    Early on in my 4 year, crazy on/off relationship, I realised I was dealing with narcissism. I also had the woman who was the supply prior to me approach me & warn me. I still made excuses. My ex had a background of long term drug use & had a traumatic brain injury & broken back from a car accident in which he lost a family member, & his partner. I felt for him as I am very empathic, possibly co-dependant. I have a background of childhood DV, where I had to be almost a carer for my mother with mental health issues, so I have been a ‘soft-touch’ for all manner of abusive lovers & friends over the years. I’m currently nearing the end of my training in welfare work, & I have come a long way in my self awareness.

    I guess the manipulation is the thing I struggle with. I don’t know how many times I went through the seduce/revere/devalue/discard/gaslighting cycle. He is smart, a great guitarist, handsome, witty, sexy. He was very good at using sex as a tool to reel me back in, as we had amazing chemistry. Problem is, he was super controlling of me, & at the slightest provocation, or minor criticism, would be verbally abusive, storm off, then stonewall, blame me & cheat. Everything would be blamed on me, sometimes my teenage son, who came to despise this man.

    I broke it off earlier this year, mainly due to the DV & abuse, minimised (but didn’t cease) contact, & was barraged with 600+ texts & calls. He was convinced that I must have another man, & was obsessive & distraught, hinting at suicide. I actually had a suicidal friend come & stay, & was immediately accused of having an affair with this man. I started to get worried something would happen to him. He had broken it off with me many times, this was the first time I did this.

    I succumbed (was it out of guilt?), & was lured back with promises of change. He was even going to seek psychological support (months later, he is only just about to have the first session, mainly due to our overburdened welfare system). The cycle re-established, but I was aloof, & guarded, & he seemed to be trying, mainly. He recently went all out, pressuring me to live with him, saying he wanted us both to ‘get help’, that he’d given up philandering, had even knocked back an offer of sex because of his ‘great love’ for me whilst absolutely obsessed that I had rejected & damaged him by the earlier break-up, as I had ‘another man’ in my house & bed. It didn’t matter what I said, his narc fury would erupt often. It was so draining, & I started to question my sanity.

    Because he was seeking help, I allowed myself to have a little hope. After a particularly lovely, passionate weekend together, he went out, leaving his facebook open (he is usually scrupulous about his privacy). I’ve never done this, but I checked his messages with a woman friend that supplies him with constant comments & flirtation. There, in black & white, were very sexual messages, him wanting her to masturbate on skype with him, entreaties for her to visit & have sex (she lives interstate) etc. He even used the exact same expressions he uses with success with me when trying to seduce me back after a fight. The worst part was how he referred to me, ‘the fuckwit I wasted 4 years with’, that he only comes back to me as he has ‘no other options for sex’. Not one thing he said about me was positive. No mention of his great love for me at all. Classic narcissism. I was stunned, & when he came back I calmly confronted him. He could see how hurt I was, & apologised profusely & was embarrassed. This degenerated into blaming me for his behaviour, & into a huge fight during which I almost lost control. I even dropped a glass jar near him as he wouldn’t stop yelling abuse at me. Luckily, it didn’t smash. He went on & on goading me including saying things about family that he knew would really wound. He left the next morning screaming abuse.

    After all this, he went into avoidance. I could tell he was shamed. He wouldn’t see me or speak on the phone, only via texts. He had explanations for his duplicity. He hadn’t meant it, he was hurt, angry, lonely, rejected, hopeless etc etc. Actually, he had been lining up his next supply, as the writing was on the wall for us. He just couldn’t get over me ending the relationship, or being in the company of another man. He has hit the pit of despair, totally alone, as he has driven off everyone but his mother, who enables his behaviour & waits on him hand & foot

    After a fortnight of avoidance, & bursts of angry as well as open texts, & facebook messages between us, I drew a very firm boundary. I was not putting up with any more emotional abuse, stonewalling, lying, womanising, even online. I told him that his behaviour is narcissistic, & the feelings I get as a result. My son also sent him an abusive message in response to this guy writing him a long message, detailing that we have ‘issues’ & laying much of the blame with me. That was it, he sent a text ending the ‘relationship’, & has cut all contact. I foolishly cried all day, & sent many texts. A day later I had calmed down.

    I believe that he has probably already lined up the next object, or soon will. He & I are both aware how destructive& toxic this all is. He has been very depressed as a result, almost suicidal. I find myself self-blaming, I knew what I was dealing with all along, but somehow deluded myself that love could conquer all. Usually, the pattern is, I go through deep pain, & feelings of worthlessness, just like when I got bashed as a kid, let go, & start rebuilding my self esteem, then he re-appears. Neither he or I can let that happen. I know some part of him is aware of what he is doing, he doesn’t do it with everyone, mainly his intimate partners. He keeps speaking of the idealised love he seeks with a woman that understands him. I often said, he’s need a saint, or a stupid woman, or someone that was so smitten (like me at times), that she’ll tolerate anything. The more I challenged him on his behaviour, the more fury I copped. The only time I felt real tenderness, or love with him, was during sex. I think what he wrote to the other woman is how he really views me.

    I hope I can recover from this. Today I feel empowered, yesterday, messed up.

    I don’t regret showing compassion, love & forgiveness with this man. Through this experience, I can see the depth of my childhood trauma, my co-dependant & addictive traits. It has been a hard, but valuable lesson. My son needs to heal from it too. All this DV & dysfunction has seriously impacted on him. I’m glad I never lived with the guy. I may not have been here now.

  33. Mary says:

    Hi, I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS Joe for opening up your eyes to something so easy to close your eyes to and blame others and especially your loved is not an easy step but life will be 10000x time better after that, don’t ever give Can do It..the hardest step is already conquered which was facing your narcissic behaviour (admitting)..don’t forget to thank your girlfriend for all the support it isn’t easy for her to live with you and all those years she had to deal with that disease..because to me it’s some kind of disease! I’m just out of a 3+ years Relationship with a narcissist with whom i had a wonderful little girl and trust me it ain’T easy. It break our hearts to see how poorly a narcissist can treat his loved ones and how much energy as a gf you burn trying to get your boyfriend to realize but I didn’t succeed because I wanted him to heal more than heself..and i understand Deb I think who wrote how frustrating it is that friends etc. doesn’t see it because they somehow play a game and they won’t let that ugly side show to everyone..eventually the smart ones do Wake up tho…we had a mutual friend who that I was the crazy one and everything was all on my back until he back stabbed him too and my friend said he was sorry for always believing his stories and always assuming i was the Wrong one. I was even told that some people talked about me at work how crazy I am because our mutual friend then went and spoke shit about me because he didnt know any yah basically strangers are talking shit about me, they havent met me once..but IF THEY ONLY KNEW the hell me and my daughter been through..if only they knew the pain, hurt…if they knew how i’ve tried and how disappointed and heartbroken I’ve been each and single time..because its been a rocky road, on and off all the time.

    Going on 5 weeks broke up now and i know he already has someone else lined up..actually he’s been so cold to us the last 2 weeks he was living with us so it was already on the go… To all narcissist people, your other one or ex whatever isn’t blind or stupid…

    But Way to Go Joe!!! I have respect for you for opening up your eyes instead of being weak and always throw the blame on people who loves you dearly!
    Keep it Up! And a hugeeee hug to your wife/gf she’s definitely a strong woman!

  34. Jane says:

    last saw my narc ex on news years eve. He was extremely abusive and I was stuck with a whole night of horror. I was paralysed with fear. Got away and received a hideous email. He stated my list of faults and that he wasn’t sure what to do about that? As if I had no say in my future. I awaited his verdict and it arrived …he did want me after all ? Then he resumed conversation as if nothing happened. I read about this sort of toxic love, worked out that he is a narc. Very abusive and demanding etc. now I’m doing the no contact rule, which doesn’t sit well with me.
    It’s amazing that people exist who are so egocentric and so abusive, with a bit of luck he will meet another female who is also a narc. They can take chunks out of one another instead of preying on normal folk.

  35. Mandy says:

    My narc ex says he hates being ignored. He says I shouldn’t hide from him. He is still sending me brutal messages to me for weeks after I broke up with him.

    He was horrible and cruel when he lost his temper on me. He threw a fit whenever he was upset for very small things. I ignored all the red flags until I couldn’t suffer his temper anymore. He isn’t diagnosed, or he didn’t tell me he knew about his problem. After the break up, I read many blogs about his aggressive and offensive behaviors. All the symptoms and descriptions matched.

    I understand that he needs power and control on someone to exercise his narcissism. Being rejected and being ignored are pissing him off greatly. And now what? I am stuck in being harassed, being damaged, and being dragged down emotionally. The aftermath is a mess to me. I had certain level of damages in real life, on money and on my career. If that is what he wants to see, if that is what he wants by “putting me in the responsibility position of a failure relationship”, cool, he won. But by when he will just let it go? There must be a “day” or a “goal” that will make him stop.

  36. Shanoa says:

    All SIX female narcissists I dealt with were the same. Quick to criticize, blameshift, abuse and insult. But if you were to even say one thing back,
    boy could they not handle it watch the rage and sparks fly! All were insecure (believing a ton of makeup would fix that), all had entitlement factors through the roof, wanted to control who I saw, wanted to dictate where I went (although they would be “allowed” to hit the clubs every week), even wanted access to all online profiles!( fair enough, but I wasn’t allowed access to theirs).

    I can tell you, one is damaging enough, but SIX?

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