I see it all the time…

“Please help me call the narcissist in my life out. I need them and everybody around them to see the kind of person they really are underneath it all!”

If it were as easy as holding them up and revealing their manipulative ways, I would be one of the first people to advise you exactly what to do to give you the justice you deserve.

Why can’t I do that?

Because calling a narcissist out is one of the things that will make your life a total and utter misery, and here’s why.

Technicalities Aside…

Yes, yes you can call them out if you really wish. You can look them in the eye and tell them what a terrible, egotistical, damaging, bad-for-the-soul person they really are.

You can yell at them until you’re blue in the face.

Will they listen?

No.

Will they care?

They will only care about you throwing stones at their ‘perfect’ self.

So first of all … calling a narcissist out is technically possible, but it never ends well, but I want to protect you from that, and here’s why.

If You Do Call The Narcissist Out

The temptation is strong, right?

You want to yell, and tell them exactly what you think about them.

Your knowledge on narcissism is growing stronger by the day, and your desire to use what you’ve learned as a weapon of protection for yourself is beginning to take priority. 

Your goal is to want the same protection for yourself as I do for you, and no matter how much you yell in their face, it is going to change nothing.

If you decide to, you are going to end up being told all the things you feel about the narcissist are actually coming from you. 

You are the problem.

The narcissist is the victim.

The problem grows exponentially. 

The Gloves Come Off

What you want to avoid is the initial ‘the gloves are off’ phase of calling a narcissist out. Avoiding the conversation (or likely argument) will save you the trouble of hearing the narcissist mutter the following kinds of phrases.

Do you know how crazy you sound right now?

Why are you in such a bad mood?

Why are you taking this out on me?

I think you’ll find that you are the narcissist, not me.

Really? You must be having one of those days where you’re really confused.

The gaslighting and manipulation will be ranked to one hundred. 

They will throw insults at you harder than you will be willing or able to bat away, and that’s because they want to make you the problem. They can’t have that spotlight shining on them – it simply isn’t an option in their books.

With every word they seethe and spit, you will be left feeling smaller as you shrink to the size they want you to feel and be. 

You’ll be lost and concerned that you would even push yourself to believe that you could convince them they had any issues at all.

Calling a narcissist out will deplete your energy supplies.

They Refuse To Listen – As Usual

Guess what? You know exactly who they are, and have their destructive behaviors down to a tee but – they have never listened to you from the first moment they met you.

Of course they pretended to, to get you hooked and in awe of them, but they don’t care what you have to say because your feelings don’t matter to them.

So ask yourself this.

Why do you think they are suddenly going to start listening now? 

What world do you live in where you believe the narcissist will turn over an honest and good page, for the sake of your feelings?

When it All Makes Sense to You

Discovering the narcissist is a narcissist is going to make you want to tell them, and I fully understand that. You want to show them, like holding a mirror up to their face and saying, “Take a look at what I see!”

I’m telling you as a professional – big mistake. 

The narcissist is not going to take it. 

You Are Putting Yourself in the Line of Fire

Harm comes to all those who start a fire and refuse to remove themselves from its path. 

Calling out a narcissist is like lighting a match in the woods, throwing it down on the dry ground, and staying exactly where you are. The fire isn’t going t divert around you and keep you safe, it’s going to push through you because it doesn’t have feelings, and it doesn’t care about you.

You’re going to get burned. 

This is why I like to compare this scenario to the character of a narcissist – because they have so much in common. 

Your Speech is Worth Nothing

Now – you can prepare for days, weeks, even months. You can say all the right things you’ve been practicing, and give all your concerns and thoughts to the narcissist – but it won’t be worth a thing to them. 

Their self-defense will be overwhelming, and it will likely hurtle toward you in a way you’ve never felt or seen before. It’s almost as if the narcissist knew that at some point, you would have this kind of conversation with them. They’re more than prepared for you, and their force will hit stronger than you are giving yourself any credit for being able to tolerate. 

You see it, I know you do. Knowing that you have them keeps you up at night.

You now want justice, and you are looking for ways to call them out.

The narcissist isn’t going to nod and agree, but what you can do is so much more effective. 

Do This Instead

You have options – options that are far more powerful to you – and as soon as you put the jigsaw pieces together, you can far outweigh the emotional drag of the narcissist in your life by appealing to the more tactical route.

A step forward from learning about the narcissist, is by learning about you and how you respond to them. Look at ways in which various techniques can help keep you up. Look at how you can work on not getting drawn into conflict, or internalizing their issues as your own. See yourself as a person they are trying to chip away at, but only because you have everything they want. 

Understanding that you can protect yourself from the narcissist is an opportunity to shield yourself, and maybe even other people, from the narcissist.

Stop Supplying Them

Pulling back the narcissistic supply will slowly yet surely, and eventually, dehydrate them. 

This distance means you are no longer engaging in their manipulation. You aren’t the bait. They will eventually get frustrated because you’re no longer playing their game – and they will try and pull you back in using different ploys – but you know you have figured them out.

Never again.