Every now and then, I like to throw in a life hack for you.

These life hacks are designed for you to put in your emotional toolbox, ready for a time you need to take them out and deal with challenges narcissistic people create for you.

If there was ever a life hack to keep aside – it is those four words to never say to a narcissist.

Why?

Because throwing these words at any narcissist will equip them with the power that you deserve to have. It will arm them with your weaknesses that they will undoubtedly throw back in your face.

Before We Delve in.. Any Forbidden Words are Red Flags

Narcissists are the sole owners of red flags, and they give them away by acting or speaking in ways that warn those around them of what’s to come if they keep pursuing them.

If you find yourself unable to say certain things to the narcissist in your life – consider what that might mean for you in the long term and how much you are going to have to hold back just to keep them satisfied.

A narcissist is never satisfied.

Now For Those Four Words…

You have got to stop saying…

You make me feel.

You make me feel sad.

You make me feel stupid.

You make me feel invisible.

You make me feel like I don’t matter.

Woah! Hold up there!

For a start, regardless of what you think… Nobody has the power to make you feel anything. 

Your feelings in response to somebody’s behavior or actions come from your own levels of self-esteem, values or expectancies. 

Stop Giving it All Away

When you hand the narcissist a comment, phrase, or sentence that begins with ‘you make me feel,’ not only are you pouring your heart out, but you are expecting them to listen to you. 

They might hear sounds coming from you, but the words are falling off deaf ears, and the meaning behind those words is even more so. 

The narcissist enjoys treating you like somebody who is responsive to their manipulation, and they will have you cornered with pleasure if they realize they are getting a reaction out of you that you feel so inclined to share with them.

Giving away all your thoughts like they will make a difference is a huge mistake. 

We all know they won;t, and you know they won’t.

The problem with narcissists is you are so used to the push-pull cycle that you often might think, ‘Perhaps they will really listen to me this time and take my feelings into consideration.’

It’s never going to happen you’ll somehow come off worse than you originally felt.

Don’t give your power up so readily, especially to the narcissist who is loving every minute of it.

Victim Words = Victim Mindset

While feeling let down, angry, hurt or disappointed with the narcissist, your thoughts when vocalized are going to crank up the feel good factor within them as they know all their tactics are working.

You feel like a victim by passing them the idea that they have control over how they make you feel, and that is a very dangerous thing to offer them.

Any healthy relationship would invoke the response, “Oh my goodness, I am so sorry I’ve made you feel that way. Let’s discuss how I can improve and give you what you need.”

A narcissist isn’t interested in seeking ways to be better, because they already believe they come from a place that is the best. 

They’re The Real Victim… Apparently

So, what happens when you mutter those four words to the narcissist, say, in the middle of an argument?

“You make me feel…”

Things aren’t happening to you, they are happening due to a set of external factors (yes, always circling the narcissist…). 

Words matter, and how you can feel will somehow wrap around to how the narcissist feels. 

You think I make you feel sad or hurt, but actually it’s me who is the hurt one. 

Boom. Back to the narcissist. Your feelings won’t matter, and soon it will become a tug of war over who is hurting the most. 

As we know the narcissist can’t hurt the way you can, their dominance over the entire situation will erase your feelings, or at the very most, put them at the bottom of the pile of priorities to never see the light of day again. 

What Could You Say Instead?

There’s got to be something better than what you’re currently throwing their way for keeps, right?

Finding an alternative phrase or statement to bring to the table can still mean you get your point across without putting yourself in line for guilt to overcome you when the narcissist inevitably tells you that how you feel is because of how you make them feel.

Turning it around on you is how they pull back the narrative that they are the ones trying their best, doing what they think is for good, and trying to be in a place with you where you can understand them.

So… Think about the following phrases instead.

I hear you. It’s a difficult situation. 

Sure, I get what you’re saying, and I feel a little angry right now.

If you wonder what the difference is, think about how you are putting your feelings across.

Your emotions belong to you – nobody else. 

They are not for you to pass to somebody else or for others to know they made you feel that way.

“I am feeling” takes away the power they’ve played in creating your emotions. 

They Were Always Going to Gaslight You – Now it’s on Your Terms

Listen – because this part is crucial.

No matter what you say – the narcissist will make you feel bad for it. They will gaslight you and tell you things to question your perception of reality, but if you take away the “You make me feel,” you’re taking away their knowledge that they control your emotions. 

You can still feel those things and voice up to the narcissist – but avoiding the “You make me” is going to leave you in the driving seat and will go some way to take away their license and permission to destroy. 

Catch Yourself

The next time you feel yourself in a situation where you want to mutter the four words you should never say to a narcissist: “You make me feel,” remember this:

Take a deep breath and retain control.

It’s within the power of all of you.