Want to learn a few funny things to say to a narcissist?
Narcissists are self-absorbed, abrasive people. They can be a pain to deal with and even worse to live with, and it’s tempting to clap back at them after one of their tirades.
What’s worse, though, are the long-term effects of exposure to a narcissist. Hurtful and manipulative, they can easily reduce innocent and unsuspecting victims into emotional shells.
Worst of all, some narcissists are so good at their mind games that it’s hard to tell whether they’re manipulating you—or if you’re really at fault.
Here’s the good news: It’s easier and more satisfying than you think to resist a narcissist. This article will give you eleven funny things to say to a narcissist, plus some additional information on how to not only keep yourself safe—but also to give them a dose of their own medicine.
Disclaimer: This post is meant as Satire, it is not adviced to actually say this to a Narcissist because it will probably backfire at you. This article is not meant as advice
Five Funny Things to Say to a Narcissist
First, let’s talk about the five funny things to say when a narcissist is being themselves. These five claps are best for when they say something rude, selfish, or impossibly ignorant to you. It’s best said with a sarcastic tone for maximum effect to make them feel miserable.
#1: “You Know What Your Problem Is? You Don’t Know You are the Problem.”
When a narcissist talks about a problem they have, and it’s obvious their personality caused the problem, tell them this line. “You’re the common denominator in every situation you just told me.” And prepare for either a violent denial or some icy silence.
Here’s the thing: Some narcissists don’t even know they’re narcissistic. They don’t realize that most of the stress they encounter in their lives is self-inflicted, owing mostly to their horrendous interpersonal skills.
A statement like this just might shake them out of their stupor and get their act straight.
Or not. Either way, you’ve done what you can by saying your piece.
Reading Suggestion: How Dating a Narcissist Changes You
#2: “I’m No Astronomer, But I’m sure the Earth Revolves Around the Sun and Not You.”
Is the narcissist being spoiled or entitled, and then they ask whether you agree with what they just said? Give them a piece of your mind by saying this line—or a wittier, funnier version about “the Earth not revolving around you” if you can think of it.
Will this make them mad? Maybe. More importantly, it might give them some insight into how self-centered they are. They might fly into a rage now, but someday in the future they’ll think about your line and realize: “Gosh, I guess I do think I’m the center of the universe.”
#3: “No Sponge in the World can Beat Your Abilities at Self-Absorption.”
When the narcissist brags about himself and all the things he “deserves,” give him this line. It’s funny and sarcastic, and yet it hammers home the message like nothing else.
When they complain: “What? I’m not self-absorbed!” Simply respond with: “See?”
Again, this might hurt your friendship with the person, but it’s for the greater good. Besides, getting a narcissist out of your life one way or another is a win.
Reading Suggestion: What Does a Narcissist Want in a Relationship?
#4: “You Live Life Like It’s All About You. Why Do You Think You’re Alone?”
When the narcissist complains about being alone, or if he rages on about fair-weather friends or a spouse leaving them, say this line. It’s a kindness especially if they ask why people keep leaving them.
Sometimes, all it takes for a narcissist to change is the realization that his self-centeredness leads to misery. They may not change right away, but a line like this can plant the seed.
#5: “Hit the Brakes, Speedy.”
When the narcissist jumps to conclusions, hit them with this line. It lets them know they’re deciding way too quickly, without taking the time to gather all the information and see all their options.
It’s always good to make a person think twice before deciding based on their emotions. Remember the rule: If it’s a life-or-death scenario, follow your heart. All else, use your head.
What if the narcissist insists on jumping to conclusions? As with any other situation, it’s best to just leave.
Cut ties with them, put some distance between you, and set boundaries for how easily they can access you. Remember: What you allow is what will continue.
Now let’s move on to the next section. What if the narcissist says something hurtful to you? Are there any good comebacks to put them on the defensive? Yes—there are six. And I think you’ll love each one of them.
Six Funny Comebacks for Narcissists
You can’t avoid it. Spend enough time with a narcissist, and they’ll say things that will sting you for life.
Use these comebacks to mitigate the pain, reduce the damage, and make it worth it. It’ll give you a chance to see if they can take it as well as they can dish it out.
#6: “Sorry You Feel that Way. Let Me Buy You a Nice Cup of Get Over It.”
Sometimes a narcissist will ask for your opinion on something, and you give it, and then they make you feel bad for saying something like that.
Such situations are the perfect for a comeback like this, where you say: “Sorry you feel that way. That’s my take, though, and I’m sticking with it.”
This comeback sends the message that you’re standing your ground and not taking back what you said just to make them feel better.
Like most of the statements in this article, it might break your friendship with the narcissist, but it’s good on the balance as it frees you from abuse and (possibly) leads them to change their ways.
Reading Suggestion: How Do Narcissists Treat old Supply?
#7: “Did My Self-Absorption Get in the Way of Yours?”
This is when you rant a little or get something off your chest, and your narcissist companion hijacks your rant and makes it about themselves. “Oh, yeah, that reminds me of the time when I…”
Then you try to bring the topic back to your rant—and once again, they try to make it about them. They even invalidate your rant by playing it down: “I don’t know what’s worse—your situation, or what I experienced when…”
So you say: “Did my self-absorption get in the way of yours?” And you get up and walk away.
They might call after you: “I was just trying to help, you ingrate!”, but pay them no mind. Narcissists tend to have zero empathy, so it’s a hopeless case trying to change them directly.
A stinging rebuke like this one might change them indirectly, though. That’s why this is the better approach.
#8: “Get Over Yourself. Not Everyone Wants to Be in Your Shoes.”
This is for when a narcissist gets on a high horse and starts saying things like:
- “Look at me for example…”
- “You should do what I did…”
- “You know what you did wrong? …”
If you have no patience for a lecture, cut them off with: “Get over yourself. Not everyone wants to be you.”
It will likely enrage them for the moment, and that’s fine. You just opened their eyes to a glaring personality flaw, which is something no one has probably done.
#9: “Thanks for Reminding Me Why Nobody Likes You. I Almost Forgot.”
When a narcissist is especially mean to you, let them have it with this line: “Thanks for reminding me why nobody likes you.” Whatever vitriol they spew back in your direction won’t match your first strike.
Narcissists believe they’re extremely likeable and popular, and anyone who doesn’t think so is crazy. A statement like this will shock them back to reality, making them think later: “Is that true? Does nobody like me?”
Will they change? That’s impossible to tell. Again, all we can do is send the message in the only language they know: Power.
#10: “Yeah, Let’s Ignore Everything I Said and Talk About You More.”
This is for when a narcissist rudely interrupts you and makes the conversation about them, as they are wont to do.
Be ready to use this statement to end the conversation if necessary, especially if they don’t apologize. (HINT: They usually won’t.)
#11: “Yeah, Sorry for Forgetting I Only Exist When You Want Something.”
Lastly, this is for when a narcissist asks you for yet another favor, and you know they’ll promptly forget about you once you’ve done it for them. So this time around, you politely decline—and then they make a snide remark about how unhelpful or ungrateful you are.
So you clap right back with this statement, guaranteeing they’ll never ask you for another favor again.
And there you have it: Eleven funny and satisfying ways to respond to a narcissist. Pick your favorites and enjoy the fireworks.
All that said, you might be thinking: “Wouldn’t these statements make me look like the bad one?”
Perhaps. And the narcissist might go as far as spreading toxic misinformation about you.
And that’s fine. Do you know why? It’s simply because people aren’t stupid. They’ll know hogwash when they hear it. Eventually, they’ll see the truth about the narcissist, just like you did. And those who won’t? They don’t matter.
Got it? Great.
What Weird Things Do Narcissists Do?
Narcissists do a lot of weird things. By now, you already know of at least one: They dominate conversations. They have almost zero empathy, meaning they have little patience in learning about others. (Besides, of course, finding the triggers to pull so they can control them.)
Meanwhile, if you’ve ever been in a serious relationship with a narcissist, you should know at least two other quirks.
The first is love-bombing, where they spoil you with attention and affection to gain your trust and dependence.
The other quirk is how they wash their hands of any responsibility when things go badly—like everything’s your fault.
When dealing with a narcissist, knowing all their weird quirks in advance is helpful so you won’t get hurt. To get the complete list of red flags to watch out for in a narcissist, here’s my article on all the weird things narcissists say and do.
How Do You Respond to a Narcissistic Insult?
All that said, is there a single best way to respond to a narcissistic insult? Yes, there is. And it’s simply to ignore them.
Here’s why: When they insult you or try to rile you up, they try to get a specific response out of you.
Maybe they want you to get mad (which lets them play the victim card), or they want you to do something that discredits you (which gives them even more ammo against you).
Meanwhile, they get none of what they want if you ignore them. Instead, they’ll feel insulted and used, while you stay in the clear.
Ignoring them also gives you a chance to disengage from a conversation you know won’t go well.
How to Make a Narcissist Miserable?
Let’s say you want to take the gloves off and get back at a narcissist. What should you do? You already know that ignoring is the best way to get under a narcissist’s skin, as it denies them the response they want.
There are other ways to make a narcissist miserable as well, including:
- Doing the exact opposite of what they want you to say or do
- Being successful—more successful than they said you’d be
- Simply saying “No” to their demands
These are, of course, in addition to the 11 funny comebacks you’ve learned in this article.