The most heartbreaking thing that comes out of a split with a narcissist is the knowledge that everything you went through was a lie.
You thought it was love – it was control.
You thought they cared – they only cared about themselves.
You wanted to feel safe – they stole it from you.
You convinced yourself they would change – they remained the same.
All that emotional investment was for nothing, but how can you turn that around to heal your pain?
You’ll be pleased to know that it’s very possible to heal from your past experiences with narcissists, and I can tell you exactly how, right now.
First … Grieve
I don’t think I can oversell this enough, because it’s severely overlooked by the majority of people when they realize their life with a narcissist was a complete lie.
Grieving doesn’t have to be reserved for the deceased. Grief is a huge part of processing something that has ended, whether a life or a relationship.
Allowing the grief to wash over you will help you understand those feelings you’re experiencing once the break-up happens.
Instead of struggling with and wondering why you feel the way you do, allowing your mind to realize that it’s grief is how you can start to move forward, bit by bit and day by day.
Of course it’s devastating to reflect on a time you thought was genuine, only to discover it was built on a house of lies. Be there for that, and all the feelings.
Recovering From Their Lies
It’s a huge task to think about – and it certainly won’t happen overnight. Recovering from the lies of the narcissist feels like you are sorting out a very messy house, and you can’t quite fathom how much you have in your ‘to throw away’ pile.
The more you unravel, the more you have to recover from, and so I understand that the narcissist’s lies are going to cause you some pain and discomfort.
My question to you is, how much are you worth?
Your worth is dependent on your healing, and so the person you want to be is only going to come to fruition when you understand that narcissists lie.
They all lie.
This wasn’t personal to you, although it feels personal because it happened to you. You could have done nothing to change how they treated you. Narcissists jump from person to person, mimicking the same patterns each time, and you are in there somewhere.
You got caught up, and now is the time to put the time in for you.
“Was My Life Even Real For That Time?”
Looking back at a narcissistic relationship that you were a part of can be like trying to remember that movie you saw a few years back. You remember fragments, some parts are really distorted. Your memory fades and your perfection shifts.
Did all of that really happen?
Narcissistic relationships make you question everything all of the time as it is – so when one ends – you’re bound to do the same.
Taking that block of time you spent with the narcissist and accepting it for what it was is a crucial step in your healing, because you’re taking away the denial aspect of something that ended up being traumatic for you.
Nothing is For Nothing
Don’t shoot me! Even the worst relationships aren’t for nothing. I’ll tell you why.
From good comes contentment, from bad comes a lesson.
From good comes joy, from bad comes learning what is not good for us.
When you were in a relationship with a narcissist, the majority of it wasn’t honest. It wasn’t forgiving or inspiring, and it hurt.
Healing can come from realizing that there are great lessons to be learned from that experience. You can start to understand where you lack boundaries. You can look at ways in which you gave away your reality to somebody. Even where your energy was stolen, there is a huge blank space where your essence once resided.
Nothing is for nothing – and now it’s your time to reflect.
Time – That Age Old Healer
It’s probably something you’ve heard before, but time really does heal wounds.
Broken arms don’t miraculously fix themselves overnight. Cuts and grazes aren’t gone by morning – emotional scars are no different.
Give yourself time to grow into your new chapter. Narcissists take so much out of us, that it does take time to refill our cups.
Learn and Depart With A Promise to Not Repeat
As you walk away, a part of your healing can be a promise to yourself to not enter the same kind of relationship again.
Falling for the charm.
Swooning over overt success or riches.
Allowing yourself to be swept up in a fast-paced first few weeks or months.
Noticing when somebody criticizes you or gives you the silent treatment.
These are all red flags you can be aware of now, and as you become awake to what’s happened you can keep your eyes open as you move on.
Let it Out
Remember that our feelings are rarely better off staying inside of us. As most people view narcissistic relationships as a traumatic experience, understand how that affects both your body and your mind.
Releasing your emotions means they aren’t being suppressed any longer, and I think we can all vouch for how good that feels.
You can look at ways to help you, such as art, writing, meditation, yoga, walking, or dance. There are endless ways you can use your own version of therapy to aid healing.
Who Are You?
Now is your chance to look at yourself and figure out who you are. It’s not going to be the same version of yourself as the one before you met the narcissist, but it will be a wiser, if slightly apprehensive one.
That’s okay – you can still live a fulfilling life with what you’ve been through and what you now know. You can thrive.
Therapy Helps
Above all else, reach out to people you love and trust. If you aren’t ready for that, you can always speak with a professional therapist.
Therapy comes in so many different forms, and there is one out there to suit everybody. The good news is that therapists are becoming more and more clued up and trained in narcissism and narcissistic personalities, so you will always be able to find a safe space for validation and an ear of empathy that will encourage you to heal from the inside out.
