Handing a narcissist a Q-Tip to clean their ears out so they can hear you better is pointless. They could have the cleanest ears in town – the fact remains – they’re still not listening.
They aren’t interested. They won’t change for you, or anybody else.
They only want you to answer their call and push their conflict onto you to get a reaction.
Calling them out only leads to greater pain and frustration for you and gives them the fuel to call you out and tell everyone just how annoying or intrusive you are.
Generating harm overgrowth is futile – but it’s better to avoid conflict. Remember, getting involved in the fight is not good for your health, so what alternative is there?
Outsmart them today, with these tips!
Don’t Call Them Out
Saving you a world of pain and refusing to call out a narcissist is one of your best bets. Why would you bother when you know they will never change?
Nothing You Say Will Work
Narcissistic patterns come into play in relationships where a narcissist is present, but getting your point across in some grand, conflicting manner isn’t going to suddenly make them jump up and realize how they are affecting you. So it’s best not even to try bothering.
I know it’s a hard reality to face, but facing it is the only way to see how energy can be truly wasted on people who aren’t interested in entertaining your point of view.
This is them – not you.
Your Energy Should Go to Understanding What’s Really Going On
With all the books and knowledge in the world, you are never going to be able to use what you learn to teach the narcissist a new way to live. It would be wonderful if we could all use our insightful and learned wisdom to push a more positive agenda – but life isn’t like that.
Find the Patterns and be a Step Ahead
Instead, understanding the patterns of a narcissistic relationship can help you guide your way through your own experiences. This can look like making informed, sensible decisions and understanding what’s best for you and your own well-being – and not just this one relationship – but all future run-ins with a narcissist.
Knowledge is power, but only when you use it for good, and not to further add conflict to an already rocky, push-pull relationship that you’re in.
Grey Rock Them!
When bait is thrown your way, it’s often tempting to take a bite and get drawn into an argument, a manipulation tactic, a criticism or something else that involves a narcissist being in control and using you as their supply source.
Grey rock stops all of that.
See Their Abuse – and Choose to Disengage
Grey rock is a disengaging tool that works like a charm on a narcissist. When they expect you to snap or respond – you give them nothing. What can they do with nothing?
Nothing!
Emotionless, unbothered, and very little information goes a long way (for you – not them), leaving you feeling more empowered than you’ve been in a long time.
Grey rock means you don’t have to let them bring you down, so stick to generic comments such as the weather.
Firewall!
A step up from the grey rock method, firewalling is a newer concept that appears to have great results in narcissistic relationships because it allows you to hold any information that is important to you close to your chest while sharing other information that matters much less with the narcissist.
Have a Boundary – You Deserve it
Firewalling is a healthy boundary that protects your innermost goings-on, allowing them the space they deserve. It acts as a filter that only feeds them certain snippets and is a very effective way to keep them in some kind of loop without giving it all away.
Have Great Support in Place for Yourself
The friends who understand what you’re going through.
The therapist who is a sounding board.
The family who are familiar with the dynamics.
Online support groups.
Places where you can just be you and where you can grow into that space will make it all the less likely you will run into conflict with the narcissist and end up in some kind of argument with them.
Be Protected!
Support systems protect you from making mistakes that worsen the state of your relationship, and the advice you can gain from spending time with people who value you, will allow you to see yourself in a more self-confident light.
Safe spaces are never underrated.
Accept the Limits the Relationship Has
Narcissistic relationships have limits, and unfortunately when you love someone, it can be a hard pill to swallow and accept. In truth, the narcissist cannot give you what you want (love, truth, loyalty, kindness and compassion), and the sooner you realize that, the better.
Calling out the limits is pointless. You won’t get the narcissist to suddenly engage in a more healthy relationship with you because they cannot give what they don’t have.
Being Hooked is How They Keep You
They do have ways to keep you hooked, so even if you aren’t happy, they will convince you that you are or that nobody else out there will do a better job than them.
It’s time to understand that you are unable to develop any further. You’re in a place where the relationship has done all it can, and now it’s time for you to ask yourself, “Do I want this for the rest of my life?”
Avoid fights by steering clear of your awareness of these limits.
Distraction is Key
Trying to destabilize the narcissistic rage that comes with any kind of conflict is how you can gain control and outsmart a narcissist.
Not calling them out is not enabling the problem. If you choose to call them out and start a fight, you’re permitting them to fly into a rage that your mood will justify (note how your mood is the issue, not their pushing and pushing you until you snap).
Don’t snap. Don’t engage. Notice the red flags and distract them with a non-return of emotions.
You may have previously used your energy to try and create a happy outcome. Still, the futile actions of trying to control the narrative using your thoughts and feelings is only going to give the narcissist the power they crave to manipulate you even more.
You deserve better.
