What is Narcissistic Rage? The 7 Stages of Anger

Narcissism (or Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is a diagnosis given to individuals under the classification of personality disorders. Narcissists are extremely selfish and self-centered people who are capable only of thinking about their own issues regarding power, prestige, and personal adequacy. They have little to no empathy, cannot understand the problems of people around them, and are not aware of other peoples’ feelings. Although they act superior and confident, this actually hides the fact that they have very fragile egos. The slightest disrespect or challenge can quickly lead to the development of a furious rage in them.

Narcissistic rage” is a term coined by Heinz Kohut in his book The Analysis of the Self when it was published in 1972. It occurs when the narcissist perceives he is being personally “attacked” by someone else. Grandiose self-worth, vanity and entitlement are basic characteristics of this disorder; when these are challenged it often leads to narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rage is a reaction to” narcissistic injury”- a perceived threat to their self-worth or self-esteem. Their rages can be of two types: explosive or passive-aggressive. The explosive rages are just as they sound- explosive, volatile outbursts which may be verbal, physical, or both. The passive-aggressive rages are exhibited as withdrawal into a sulky, silent treatment as the means to punish the offender.

Do not confuse anger with the narcissistic rage. Anger is a natural reaction when exposed to provocation. Anger occurs from a rational cause and dissipates when one is able to express it. The fuming rage the narcissist feels is different from the anger that people usually feel; it is either irrational or severely blown out of proportion from an insignificant remark or action.

Narcissists need constant admiration, attention and compliments. They live with the illusion that they are perfectionists and that people revere them. That makes them dependent on other people to keep their self-esteem high. Therefore, any challenge, mildly negative remark, or disagreement from another person is considered criticism, rejection and even mockery. They take these personally as an assault or betrayal and lash out at the person who provoked them. Narcissistic rage often results in physical and/or emotional abuse.

Causes of Narcissistic Rage

      1. Challenge to their Confidence: People with narcissism often place unrealistic demands on their partner or children. These demands are frequently challenged by the person in the relationship. When challenged, the narcissists’ brittle egos are unable to accept the idea that they were wrong or seen as imperfect. They turn this into a personal attack and respond with rage toward that person to regain their sense of superiority.
      2. Injury to Self-Esteem: When a narcissist’s shortcomings are pointed out by someone, they feel an overwhelming sense of shame. The narcissist then lashes out toward the person who pointed out the shortcomings. The rage is executed to seek revenge upon the accuser. The need for revenge results in explosive rage and does not die down until the narcissist feels the person was dealt appropriate punishment.
      3. False Sense of Self: The narcissist has a false sense of self. Underlying this false sense of self are feelings that he is not loveable for who he is or what he offers in relationships. When a lover or partner begins to feel doubts about the narcissist, that is when the narcissistic rage surfaces.

Types of Narcissistic Rage

  • Explosive: Narcissistic individuals have a violent outburst which can be both verbal and physical in nature. [Self-harm: Some narcissists like to manifest their rage by inflicting injury to themselves by cutting, burning, stabbing, etc.]
  • Passive-aggressive: The other way of expressing rage is passive-aggressive behavior where the narcissists do not harm the victim physically or mentally, but punish him passively (sulking, silent treatment, pretending they are invisible).

Narcissistic Rage Cycle: The 7  Stages of Anger

Rage is a primitive, immature child-like expression of thwarted needs and/or (actual or perceived) invalidation. For most people, anger goes through several levels of emotion, each level requiring a certain level of self-control. According to psychiatrist Adam Blatner, there are seven levels of anger:

  1. Stress Feeling angry subconsciously but not demonstrating it.
  2. Anxiety Anger shown through subtle clues.
  3. Agitation Displeasure is shown without blame.
  4. Irritation A little more displeasure to elicit a response.
  5. Frustration Anger with a scowl or harsh words.
  6. Anger Anger with loudness of speech and expression.
  7. Rage Losing temper and getting into a rage; aggression.

It appears that narcissists do not go through the 7 stages like other people do. The smallest infraction will send them right to level 7-rage. Why is that? Their rage seems to be caused by any threat to their ego, and the ensuing rage acts to erase that threat and maintain their self image and feelings of superiority. To narcissists, rage is a perfectly appropriate response when they experience any threat to their view of self.

After being the victim of a narcissistic rage, you will probably find yourself going over and over the events that happened in order to try to pin down what caused the outburst-and you probably just don’t get it. However, if you choose to stay in a relationship with a narcissist, for your safety, you need to fully understand what triggers this behavior and why it happens. That way you may be able to avoid triggering the narcissistic rage and create a safer environment for yourself. Remember, too, that you are not responsible for these rages; what you are witnessing is the narcissist’s reaction to feelings of shame.

References:

  1. http://narcissisticbehavior.net/what-causes-narcissistic-rage
  2. http://www.buzzle.com/articles/narcissistic-rage.html
  3. http://www.livestrong.com/article/103707-causes-narcissistic-rage/
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14 Responses to “What is Narcissistic Rage? The 7 Stages of Anger”

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  1. cec says:

    I accepted a manager position for county government and I quit after 2 years because I was getting depressed and physically sick and couldn’t pinpoint why after enjoying years of good health. The management team i worked with consisted of a director, assistant director, prog manager and a budget manager who were all narcissist. I am a mental health prof who has worked in the field of mental health for 20+ years and not even having prior knowledge of this personality type helped me. I often wondered about this peculiar bunch that by all appearance seemed professional and appeared to get along so well.

    • Tiffany Lockyer says:

      I been reading alot on this i was trying to figure alot of stuff about my ex we bought a house together and all the stuff i have read it was him to a t…i had to put a protection order just to keep my kids and safe from everything…the people who are have this needs to get help it really screws with emotions…i was a reck but im just working on me ….to build my.self up to ware i was

  2. Janice Beeman says:

    Thank you for all the information, this article really relates to my mother, and the abuse my husband and I have received from her. It’s never ending, I pray for patience but most of the time it doesn’t work.

  3. michael says:

    i cant get out of this every characteristic you point out is her.I am broke and i cant win.Please i need help to get away from this i believe she is the best . My children see this but they think it is normal.She has her friends convinced it is me. she is several steps ahead to cover her tracks .The rage is unbelievable i called the police one time made out a report do not know what she wrote it is on record also i called 911. she is a true narcissist according to every thing i read.How can i prove this if i go to court to save my sanity .

    • Cheryl Shollack says:

      I hear you! I fear for my sanity also. If I can’t get to school now after 2 years of waiting and trying to go, I feel I will go down into despair. I don’t have a car I don’t have money I can’t get a ride, there are no buses in my city. If I work I will not make any money because my benefits would be cut. I am not allowed anything over 30$ a month on SSI. It is different than SSD! SSD gets almost 2times more a month AND they can work without being penalized! The system is designed to keep people on it and dependent and the people running it abuse their power. I cannot take any more of this! I need to get to school so I can earn enough to support myself and I can’t wait any more! I need a therapist who is trained in this! Most therapists DO NOT understand and make it worse! It seems their are nothing but evil abusers, Narcissits, and Unfeeling, uncaring, I don’t have time for you, type of people out there any more! And I am talking about people who are supposed to be helping me!

      • Cheryl Shollack says:

        My Narc turned everyone against me too! Please know that there are others out here who care and who are not like that! I will include you in my prayers. I wish you well in dealing with your problems and hope things get better for you. God tells us in His word to turn to Him and to ask for His help and He promises to help those of His children who love Him and follow Him. I have found that when I tried to rely on myself and others for help it got me absolutely no where! When I turned to God and asked for His help, He did answer me. I did get help with some of my problems, but not everything yet. Have faith and trust in God to care for you and ask to be shown the path God wants you to follow. Being thankful and counting your blessings is what works! God has promised to hear the prayers of the righteous and to save the oppressed in times of trouble! Then, when He delivers you remember to Thank and Praise Him!!!

  4. Christina says:

    The fight me and my STBX got in where I finally left was a perfect example of this. HE had turned off the air conditioner but asked me if I did, I said in a semi whiny voice “I didn’t do it” he was already in a bad mood so he sarcastically said something about how if I used that defense in court I’d be a laughing stock. He said something about murder and saying “I didn’t do it” and I said “there’s a huge difference between turning off the air conditioner and murder”. Whoops. This enraged him. Did I really think he was SO stupid that didn’t know the difference between murder and an air conditioner? I was a condescending B—h. Stuff started getting thrown. I started getting called all kinds of names. And “after everything I put him through” I was supposed to just sit there and take it.
    It devolved from there. I wound up leaving him that night.

    • Anon says:

      Comments like HIS are no joke. Get away from him as that sounds like a perceived offense which he will need to get back at you for. In my experience, a narcissist is more than willing to go to the extent of setting you up to discredit you or unfairly get you in trouble with law. It is unbelievable what they will do to discredit and humiliate you and no one will believe you because they play you off against them well in advance. The person I have encountered is amazingly good at identifying a persons insecurity and using that insecurity to turn them against you. It has always amazed me the hatred I have encountered from people I have never… met until I worked this s**t out. These people are very sneaky and scary. Do not offend one as they will not stop. Good luck.

  5. Mark says:

    I am a divorced 56 year old man who, due to financial problems, lives with my Mother. It’s an average sized 2 story, 3 bedroom town house with a basement. It could be a mansion but still not big enough for my narcissistic mother and myself. She has all but 2 of the classic narcissistic traits from the latest edition DSM. Diagnostic and statictical manual which is used by all mental health pros. My problem is that I am running out of patience to the point where I truly wish one of us would die. I have made a couple half hearted suicide attempts but never ever put a hand on her. I cannot tolerate the put-downs, lack of respect/privacy, the “everything is my fault” attitude etc etc. The worst thing is that I have 2 biological daughters and my mother treats the 31 year old like a queen and ignores the 24 year old. I mean she has not seen or even made an attempt to see her. She never seemed to care about my younger daughter from the day she was born. Before my Dad passed away in 2008 we would all spend Xmas together lie a normal family. Now she will send my youngest a $50 check. In 2013 I must have heard my mother say to me “I didn’t get a thank you note from ______”. My daughter wrote one and I saw the envelope at my ex wife’s house (where she lives). Somehow the envelope never made it to my mother. I told her “_____sent it!!!!”, every time she whined and/or screamed about it. In 2014 I told my daughter to write the undeserving thank you note and I will hand deliver it. My ex and daughter were thinking of sending the check back with a note stating “thanks, but no thanks”. I told my daughter to take the money and spend it, go out and have a good time. “If you send the note back she wins” is what I told them and we agreed. The thing that baffles my mind is that my mother goes into a rage when I poliitely tell her how ignoring ______ hurts me. Give me 3 minutes and I gaurentee she will scream. But not when there is someone else there. She is good at hiding her rage in front of others. I don’t think she is too stupid to realize how that effects me. I believe she just does not give a $#$%!!! Anyone got any suggestions on how to endure this emotional abuse for about 3 more months, when I should be in better financial shape to get myself a home. And here’s another problem where I will listen to all suggestions! I fear she is going to leave her house (which my Dad busted his rear to pay for while mother just sat on her rear) to my older daughter and leave nothing to my younger daughter and myself. My older daughter already has a nicer house which mother helped her buy. Is there anything I can legally do to make sure ______ and myself get our share? Anyone, please help, ADVICE NEEDED!! Thank you.

    • StarKeck says:

      I am dealing with a bad spot myself… Not with a parent, but a spouse. He is a fantastic manipulator and much to my personal horror has pushed me to limits where I myself was exhibiting unacceptable behaviors – I didn’t even know who I was anymore! Therapy helps if you can afford it. If not, start reading some books on boundaries as setting good boundaries will help you feel more in control of yourself and less reactive to the N in your life (which helps by removing fuel, tho there may be an initial backlash).
      What about the relationship between your daughters? If they are good sisters to one another, perhaps the older could take the inheritance and then pass along her extra assets to the younger. I know this doesn’t fix the relationship between you and your mom or your younger child with her grandmother, but it is a sort of practical resolution at the least.
      Best of luck and God bless!

  6. Cheryl Shollack says:

    I am on SSI and live in a SIL(semi-independent living)apartment. I was married for 18 years and had 3 kids with him. He hooked me onto drugs and blamed me for everything and then when I was good and hooked he divorced me saying I was an unfit mother and I did not have an attorney and was actively using at the time of the divorce. I lost my children. I lost the house. We had a nice house and he worked at GM for 25 years and made good money. we had 2 newer cars and a boat and he had pension and GM stock, etc. I was awarded only my personal belongings and 1 room of furniture. He never gave me that either! My parents refused to help me so I wouldn’t lose everything and my mom took over my kids when I tried in the past to leave abusive husband. and made it so intolerable with her abuse I went back when he called. Anyway I lost everything and my whole life I didn’t have control over money. I had a cosmetology license but he refused to make payment for renewal thereby making sure I couldn’t ever leave or support myself and I have been the scapegoat of my family all my life and to his family and to my next husband’s family. My mother smear campaigned me to EVERYONE! My whole family, my church, brothers husbands and even my children. HOW CAN I GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION? I THOUGHT COLLEGE. I START TOMORROW BUT NO CAR NO RIDE! I can’t work or they will cut my benefits and I will end up with no more than I get now but I would be working 20 hrs. a week and stuck in minimum wage!

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  8. Oscar says:

    I’m sorry, i know this is highly unethical to talk about.

    I’ve worked in my family business for over 15 years. For many years, i had tried to pin point just why i was feeling so depressed. I used to love my job, my life and everyone around me. I’ve had been turned in to an absolute wreck, a monster, someone i hate. Why? well you’ve read the article and perhaps a 100 more.

    An employee here had completely ruined my reputation. I was turned in to the office joke and a walking punching bag for this guy and his fellow ‘yes men’. When you’ve been working in a field for 15 years, you gain experience and a great reputation – to have a junior walk in your room who is under the master manipulation of a narc, and then questions your ability to perform when instead you should receive respect – you know somethings wrong.

    Being a family business, you would expect your family to step in. Unfortunately, they too were under his spell. ‘You think too much into it’, ‘you are too emotional’ I only persisted until their eyes started rolling when ever i mentioned his name. I knew something had to be done.

    So, i looked up office bullying and ways to stop it. I couldn’t help but notice the amount of times narcissism showed up on googles results. So i read into it. Soon, i was glued to my screen. I couldn’t believe how accurately it described him. Although I’m NO mental health expert, many would agree that if it quaks like a duck, waddles like a duck then its a god damn DUCK. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that i was dealing with a narcissist. What i was really ecstatic about was just how simple it was to upset one. Now, me and this guy are about the same size. I knew that he would eventually get violent should i go too far with trying to upset him. But, i was ok with that. Do not attempt this unless you are too. The best remedy for a narcissist is to leave them forever – as the professionals in the field say.

    But, i needed to go further. I mean, this guy wanted me to fail miserably. He turned my family against me. I lost friends because of him. And to him, this was all a game. For me, gaining the family business under my control again was imperative – i couldn’t even take out the garbage without someone laughing at me implying that this would be my best attempt to show my worth. So i talked to one of his many enemies, one that went to school with him. He said, that because of his horse’ish looks they would sing the Mr Ed the talking horse jingle to tease him. He apparently almost had a mental break down. This was sugar to me. That Monday, you know exactly what i did. I played that song all day long. But he kept quite. So i continued the next day, but i added a few more tunes to the mix. Horses – by Daryl Braithwaite and the Horse with no name by Americana. By thursday, he had written a lengthy letter to our Boss (My Father). Unfortunately for him, my father didn’t want to get involved, plus he is my father whats he going to do sack me? I continued. Soon, just about every thing i talked about were horses, hay etc. I even found a 12hour video on youtube that played horse noises. Within three weeks, he lost his control he wanted to fight. I was ready, so i confronted him – but he did didily squat. I stood there in front of the entire office, and said what the hells this guys problem? I’m just sitting in my room listening to music and the idiot wants to fight me! He couldn’t bring himself to admit why he was so upset. And so i continued. Now, he is depressed and walks on egg shells around me. If I hear his voice, i start to hum the tunes. Apparently he is looking for a new job, but is so depressed that he can’t bring himself to go to an interview and no, i do not feel bad or sorry.

    People say Karma, i say this was HIS karma not mine.

    Good luck to all out there dealing with this kind of filth. I re-iterate the point that you should never mess with a narcissist, unless of course you know you can handle your self and have no other option when your backs against the wall.

    • Brandy says:

      This EXACTLY my situation!!! Only we work together in a small family owned business and not owned by either one of us, and we are females. For 4 years now I’ve been dealing with this basket case! I’ve worked at this place for 6 years now her 4, I’ve worked very hard to get the pay I make and not a lot of other job opportunities in my small town. I have gone at this issue in every way possible and it’s fascinating now that I know what I’m dealing with on how she behaves from day to day. Not that it makes my life any better but now I know the problem is not me and I’ve built myself back up from her wrath. I’m truly afraid someday I’m going to give into needing satisfaction/relief/karma/ whatever ya wanna call it. She has gone as far as physically hitting her dog when she’s in her way, that alone makes me want to beat her. This is a very horrible disorder and I find myself researching about narcs and just trying to educate myself on how to deal with this problem on a daily basis. I have never in my 36 years met someone like this and I just can’t understand it!!!! Reading others similar experiences helps me feel not so alone. Thanks for sharing.

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