If you’re expecting an apology, you’re never going to get one that is sincere from the narcissist.
It will come in various other ways that actually make you feel even more uncomfortable rather than reassured.
There is no conscience.
There is no reflection.
There is just the narcissist trying to exert their control and manipulation all over you once more.
Here are 13 ways they do it.
When Sorry Seems To Truly Be The Hardest Word
It’s a word they know and love to use, but it’s always used against the person in question.
And if I can be totally honest with you, the meaning behind sorry will never be understood by anybody so egotistical and self-involved.
I know you might want an apology, and I would bet my favorite sweater that you’re owed it.
It’s an easy word to say for a narcissist, but they don’t ever cement it. It’s never used properly.
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And it always has a narcissistic twist to it.
Let’s show you how.
#1 “If I Upset You, I Apologize”
The bare minimum!
The idea that you are deserving of an apology, and all you get is this, is ridiculous.
They aren’t sorry – so whatever they did wrong, they’re invalidating you for…
…Not only that… Why should they be sorry for your feelings? Why should it be that your feelings are wrong, when evidently the cause of those feelings are being ignored.
Do you see where I’m going here?
It’s totally unfair.
#2 “Sorry You Feel That Way”
Talk about deflection!
The problem should be why do you feel that way. What happened that made you upset? Why does an apology need to happen here?
The narcissist is very good at handing back the weight you’re trying to make them carry, but they created it.
They just don’t want to admit it.
#3 “Sorry You Can’t Seem To Grasp Humor”
Shift that burden, why don’t you?
It’s a burden you don’t need to carry. Not only are you feeling hurt at something they did or did, they’re passing it off as humor!
Upsetting somebody means exactly that, and if it was based on a cruel joke, that cruel joke was unkind and unnecessary.
The narcissist should be accountable for that.
#4 “Okay, Well, We Both Made A Mistake”
This is not a game of 50/50.
Narcissists should be dragging you into the blame fold.
Be an adult, and say sorry for hurting somebody else’s feelings. That’s all they need to do, but of course, that would mean taking responsibility for your sadness, lining them up to be at fault…
…Never going to happen!
#5 “If You Hadn’t…”
Responsibility? What responsibility?
And here we are again with another failed attempt at taking responsibility.
This time, the narcissist is pointing the finger directly at you. “If you hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t be so annoyed.”
I despise this. It’s not an apology, it’s the narcissist saying:
If I’m going down, then you’re going down with me!
#6 “You Said You Were Fine!”
Oh, great. We’ve got a blamer here, people!
First off, this is nowhere near an apology. Second, what are they trying to say exactly?
Did you even say you were fine, or was this yet another incorrect assumption by the narcissist so they could use it against you at a later time?
It’s hardly an apology, and on the ‘sorry’ scale – it’s rated negative 1.
#7 “How Can I Say Sorry For Something I Didn’t Do?”
Deny, Deny!
Before your blood pressure boils like hot water in a kettle about to click, think about what the narcissist wants from you right now.
Not only are they refusing to say they’re sorry, they’re denying they made a mistake at all.
They want you to be annoyed. Hurt. Upset. Emotional.
#8 “Why Didn’t You Raise This At The Time?”
Empty, you’ll agree!
There’s no authenticity here, either. Even more so, there’s no admission that you even deserve that apology.
This is such an empty response typical of the narcissist.
I didn’t even realize there was a time limit on repeating apologies, either. Did you?
#9 “I’m Sorry, But…”
But what?
No apology should be accompanied with a but. All that does is show the narcissist’s true colors.
If you’re due a sorry, you should get a sorry. The but will be the justification for why they said or did what they did.
And there’s no excuse.
#10 “I’m Sorry You Can’t Understand How Important…”
Do you need a lecture?
An apology can sound like one if the narcissist is attempting to guilt trip you for – in their words – “not understanding how important” something is.
If they promised you to not stay on at work so much but are failing to fulfill that, it won’t be their fault that they can’t be home earlier.
It will be yours that you’re holding them accountable.
That’s not an apology, it’s a deflection.
#11 “I’m Sorry, But I Wouldn’t Need To If You Weren’t So Defensive”
Sure, why not throw in a criticism while you’re at it?
Narcissists really know how to throw their victims under the bus, don’t they?
It’s unfair and unjust that they get to criticize you when you’re asking for an apology.
It’s bad enough that they criticize you every other day, let alone when you’re seeking a little honest conversation.
Another nod to the idea that you’re always to blame… But you aren’t.
#12 “If You Weren’t So Impossibly Stupid, I Wouldn’t Have To Apologize”
What makes an apology worse?
Ridicule!
It’s never going to account for a true apology, is it? Why would you on one hand attempt an apology, while simultaneously making a mockery of you.
It’s enough to make anybody not want to bother even asking for an apology, or expecting one.
The trick of the narcissist is to give you no reason to seek their ‘sorry’, so eventually you give up altogether and stop in your search.
And then what?
Well, that leaves them constantly off the hook!
#13 “Right, Fine. I Am Sorry. Can We Move On Now?”
Woah there! Hold your horses.
A forced apology is not an apology.
Narcissists often want to get their apologies over and done with, like ripping off a band aid at top speed.
Happily for them, once that’s done they can go about their day as if nothing happened.
The quicker the apology, the more time they have to act as though everything’s fine, and that they are the innocent party.
But for you, this kind of apology is flippant, as if they’re offering you a word from the dictionary because you want to hear it.
It’s not about hearing the word, it’s about the authenticity of how it’s spoken.
With all narcissists, there is no authenticity.
