“What do you do against someone who blames you for everything?
Because it’s almost like I can’t do anything right. No matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough.
I just get told how stupid I am or how I should have done it differently. I feel so exhausted and resentful.”
Does this mental script sound familiar in your relationship? Are you constantly being told that you’re the problem, even if you’re just doing your best?
If so, you may be asking yourself, why do people blame others for their problems? Why is it never their fault but always yours?
There are many reasons why this happens—blaming someone else for your problems is called narcissism, denial, and projection.
It’s also merely an intense form of self-absorption and selfishness. After all, it’s much easier to throw your problems onto someone else rather than reflect inwards.
How do you deal when you’re on the receiving end of this awful cycle? Let’s get into what you need to know.
4 Common Traits of People Who Blame
Not all blamers are the same, but many of them share similar traits. Understanding these traits can give you better insight into your relationship.
#1 Narcissistic Tendencies
Narcissists are notorious for blaming everyone and everything around them.
This projection happens because they believe they know how to do things the right way. Moreover, they cannot accept accountability when making a mistake, even if everyone else recognizes it.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, they may blame you for:
- Being too sensitive.
- Not being a good enough/attentive enough partner.
- Their mental health.
- Any and all problems that exist in your relationship or family dynamic.
- The relationship ending.
In other words, don’t expect a formal acknowledgment or sincere apology after a conflict.
In some cases, you might receive a fake apology, but they only make this effort to meet their needs and restore the usual status quo in your relationship.
#2 Poor Impulse Control
I didn’t want to buy the car. But you kept mentioning wanting a new one, and the price was unbeatable!
I would have loved to say, but my job was toxic. I should have quit months ago.
You always said you wanted to go to Hawaii! That’s why I booked the plane ticket. I wanted to make you happy.
Blamers tend to have poor impulse control. They often make erratic financial decisions without thinking about the consequences.
When confronted, they then blame something else to defend their action.
In many cases, to present as a victim or hero, they will deny that they wanted to make that choice in the first place!
#3 Fear of Rejection
Most people worry about rejection from time to time. But some blamers have such an intense fear of rejection or abandonment that they use blame as a shield to protect their ego.
This fear can manifest for many reasons, including:
- Having a history of trauma.
- Having a history of persistent rejection in the past.
- Low self-esteem.
- Unstable, toxic relationships.
- Personality disorders or traits of personality disorders.
Regardless of the origin, this fear can cause people to want to present perfectly in front of others.
As a result, they refuse to acknowledge their shortcomings and assume responsibility when they make mistakes.
#4 Enabling Loved Ones
A blamer can only blame as much as someone else tolerates it. If you refuse to take responsibility for their accusations, they can’t do much with their blame. Instead, they have to sit with their own discomfort.
Unfortunately, many people assume the blame for the blame.
They guilt themselves, question what they may have done wrong, and falsely believe that the blamer knew best.
What to Do When Someone Blames You for Everything?
My wife blames me for everything. I don’t take out the trash right.
I’m not wearing the right shirt for the occasion. I didn’t feed the kids the right kind of dinner.
It’s so frustrating, and it makes me feel like I’m never enough. Am I just stupid, or is she just mean?
Label The Dynamic
The first step to untangling this problem is recognizing it. In our relationships, we sometimes want to give our partners the benefit of the doubt.
We want to believe they have our best interests at heart, and we don’t like to acknowledge their shortcomings.
But if you’re in a relationship with someone who constantly blames you, they don’t have your best interests at heart.
They aren’t respecting you or your efforts. This relationship is one-sided, and it results in you feeling guilty, insecure, and angry.
This insight may be painful. It can be especially difficult if you identify as an empath and feel overly sensitive to the needs of others.
If you’re in this familiar pattern, it’s normal to feel compassionate towards the blamer because you:
- Feel selfless towards everyone.
- Feel immense protection and love for the blamer.
- Feel sorry for the blamer and want to give them the love they don’t get elsewhere.
Unpack The Truth
It’s important to remember that their truth isn’t inherent to the actual truth.
Blame is usually a manifestation of power and control. The blamer doesn’t want to assume responsibility for what they did.
They want to shift that problem to someone else.
You should have picked up the dry cleaning. You weren’t listening to me. You can’t even cook dinner right.
What’s the common theme here? These retorts are nasty, but they are simply perspectives. At its core, the blame is an opinion, and opinion doesn’t translate to a truth.
How to Deal With Someone Who Blames You for Everything? An Overview
“My husband blames me for everything. I didn’t get the car washed.
I should have called around and gotten more quotes.
I shouldn’t have spent so much money grocery shopping.
I don’t know what to do about it anymore!”
If your wife or husband blames you for everything, you need some actionable steps for dealing with this pain.
Chances are, their behavior makes you feel like a bad person. It can trigger immense emotions of guilt, shame, or fear.
Likewise, it goes without saying that this cycle can also trigger resentment and tension in the marriage.
1. Consider the Context
When dealing with a blamer, you need to be mindful of your intentions. The stakes are obviously different depending on the person.
For example, if you are dealing with a distant colleague, their frustrating behavior may not matter as much.
You might be able to let the issue roll off your back because it isn’t worth the effort.
But if it’s your partner, it’s a different story.
If it’s an isolated event, it may be best just to let it go. People make mistakes.
At times, trying to fight it and defend yourself may cause more distress than doing nothing at all.
If it’s a repeated pattern, you will need a more assertive approach.
2. Share Your Feelings
In mild cases of blame, it may be worth sharing your feelings with the other person.
This strategy is beneficial if you suspect they may be unaware of their behavior.
It’s also helpful if you believe they have enough empathy to understand and acknowledge how you may feel.
When you share your feelings, it’s crucial to be direct and specific. Some examples include:
- I do not appreciate being blamed for _____.
- When you blamed me for ____, I felt ______.
- I am feeling blamed right now.
Try to avoid excessive all-or-nothing statements like you always blame me for ____ or you never take responsibility!
The world rarely exists in such absolutes. Furthermore, these statements often come across as accusatory, making the other person feel defensive.
If the other person is receptive, you can work together to build a healthier relationship.
It’s important to continue sharing your feelings if the same problems emerge.
There is a caveat to this suggestion. Sharing your feelings often won’t work if the other person is highly manipulative, narcissistic, or abusive.
These individuals won’t be able to recognize their role in the blame.
They will likely insist that you’re dramatic or unfair. They might also deny blaming you for anything in the first place.
In severe cases, they may become physically abusive to “punish you” for standing up to them.
3. Educate Yourself On The Symptoms of Emotional Abuse
Blame isn’t always harmless, especially if the other person blames you persistently and chronically.
If that’s the case, this pattern can be one of the key factors associated with emotional and physical abuse.
As a loved one, it’s crucial for you to identify these warning signs associated with blame:
- Accusing you of flirting, cheating, or being distrustful.
- Accusing you of their abusive behavior (it’s your fault for making me so angry!)
- Accusing you of being abusive.
- Accusing you of being needy, clingy, or dependent on the relationship.
- Accusing you of messing things up.
- Accusing you every time an issue arises.
This pattern of someone constantly blaming you is toxic. Over time, it can utterly destroy your well-being.
If you have children, it also places them at significant risk for abuse.
Remember that emotional abuse can start slowly. It’s not uncommon for blamers or narcissists to charm others when trying to build a connection.
This charm can be enchanting, and it can trick you into believing that they are kind, compassionate people.
Unfortunately, once they build your trust- and it may not take very long- they can easily take advantage of you.
4. Enforce Your Boundaries
When someone continues to blame you, it’s essential to reflect on your reactions.
Do you become combative and argumentative? If so, this reaction often triggers them to continue with the blaming.
Or do you become quiet and submissive? This approach can also reinforce their behavior.
At that point, they have a reason to believe they’re right since you appear to be “giving in.”
Of course, boundaries can be different for everyone. Some of the boundaries are verbal and tangible,
such as telling someone you won’t take responsibility for specific behavior.
Others are more abstract, such as you distancing yourself emotionally from a toxic person.
Some healthy boundaries to maintain with someone who blames you for everything include:
- Labeling the action (I feel blamed) with the consequence (and I won’t tolerate it).
- Remaining neutral and nonreactive when being blamed.
- Asking the person to leave your home or end the conversation altogether.
- Setting limits as to how much information you share with the blamer.
- Ending your relationship with the person altogether.
5. Cultivate Your Self-Esteem
What makes you feel important? What makes you feel happy and fulfilled?
Your self-esteem sets the foundation for the relationships you enjoy in your life.
Unfortunately, people with low self-esteem tend to enable toxic behavior from others. They often don’t think they deserve anything better.
Spend time trying to strengthen your self-esteem by:
- Practicing positive affirmations that remind you of your inherent worth.
- Spending more time with people who make you feel good about yourself.
- Engaging in meaningful hobbies that you enjoy.
- Practicing more mindfulness throughout the day.
- Cutting back or eliminating the time spent on tasks that drain your energy.
The more you build your self-esteem, the less tolerance you will have for negative people.
You will naturally require respect in your relationships, and you will also enjoy a mutual take-and-give symbiosis with others.
Final Thoughts
If you constantly feel blamed, you probably also feel tired, overwhelmed, and angry.
These reactions are normal. But it’s important to take action to change the situation.
You are not required to tolerate this behavior. Subsequently, you are not obligated to be treated like a punching bag!
Consider talking to the other person about how you feel. If they are not responsive or the situation continues to worsen, it’s time to seriously reflect on your relationship and your intentions for staying together.
Nobody is perfect. But if someone constantly blames and puts you down, is that really a person you want around in your life?
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Sharing is Caring
My N blames, although often for things that go wrong, also (and more often) for meaningless trivia — someone left the fridge open, someone spent spare time doing one thing instead of another. As I sit here writing, I can’t even think of these things easily because they are so trivial.
The trivial things are the worst – I can see why my mothers house looked like hoarders and I am beginning to housekeep like this too so at least the rage will be something logical like a messy house rather than you stored your can of rootbeer wrong and be screamed at for this for seven hours straight.
I have been yelled at non-stop for such stupid things once for being 4 minutes late, almost got cracked in the face for that, that was husband #2, Husband #1 was much worse and let’s not forget mom who started it all. How stupid do I feel ever single day for allowing this to continue, even after divorce #2 I’m listening to more bullshit just more infrequently. No wonder I wish I was dead everyday
Sabina, I hope you’re not still wishing that! You’re not alone. There are so many of us from N marriages. I stayed in mine for 27 years! Now I’m afraid my son has evolved into the same as dad. The blame is NOT OURS to own, it’s theirs. They just don’t see it. I know in Ex’s case, he was raised by a N mother, always critical, so I am sure it’s passed along generation to generation.
And don’t blame yourself for getting into that situation again. It’s human nature to steer toward the familiar. Talking about it with others is a great start toward avoiding that in the future.
I need help with the same situation. Married for 22 four children stay home mom. Still dealing with it. Even today accusing me of sleeping around and he moved off and in with a woman not even months after divorce. He is doing the same thing to my kids and they can’t see it. Please any advice. I’m alone no family or friends. Please help
The problem is that when I do talk about it to others they look at me like I’m crazy! I’m exhausted from being screamed at and threatened. He’s threatened to “put a bullet in your head” and when I told him that wasn’t going to happen he claimed he never said that but instead said he was going to put a bullet in his own head!
I find myself questioning my own sanity every day. He’s been without a job for almost 7 months and that’s my fault. He quit his last job because his boss was “treating him unfairly. He left his job before that because he was being discriminated against as a white, heterosexual, male. The job before that he was discriminated against because he was better than everyone else and a white male. Of course I was partly to blame because I didn’t make enough money to allow him to quit sooner so he could look for his dream job.
Yesterday, my parents have asked him about job prospects and he thinks that I told them to do that. He Said d that my family and I can all go to hell and then he called me fat.
He is good about attacking my appearance or my character when he is angry.
I’m emotionalland physically exhausted and not sure what to do. He’s bled me dry financially and I have nothing left.
You are worth love, you don’t deserve a narcissist, I hope you are okay now.
Thank God you got out alive and now concentrate on you and your happiness. You have spent too much time concentrating on making someone else happy, which you would never be able to do. He needs to live with his problem, but you don’t need to live with it. You deserve better and now finally you will have it. God bless
Beware of single children raised by one or two parents with NPD. Ending a 7 yr relationship w/ a female. Never saw her true colors, nor how shallow she is until reading about this disorder.
I feel the same way too. tired of living with it.its hard to believe there is a adult in that body.
Same 🙁 when u spend your whole life seeking approval over minor tasks and being criticised every day u begin to live as the accused: permanent guilt. It’s tough to move on and probably only because u are a good person who sees the good in others xxx. Stay strong
So spot on, Joanne. It got so bad for me that I literally craved his approval and affection (which I never, ever got). I kept thinking I could be better, and he’d change. It’s taken me 5 years to realize that he will never change. 5 years for me to realize that everything that went wrong wasn’t always my fault. Talk about trivial things…being a few minutes late, not checking my oil or tires in a timely manner, not taking my own meds how he deemed appropriately, my driving, my job, my children, my cooking, my housekeeping. EVERYTHING I did was beneath his standards. It’s going to take me a minute, but I’m going to pull myself together and rediscover who I was before I met him. FUCK NARCISSISTS!!!!
PLEASE DONT the world needs people like you to teach them that you are not there yet but you are listening more infrequently the path has a begining and an end write me Alberta
Ya, I just separated from an extremely narcissistic wife. She blames everyone else constantly. I actually left because I was so tired of being annoyed about her constantly blaming others. She also has a horrible sense of entitlement. As soon as she left, she started demanding everyone else stop what they’re doing to help her and her two kids. If they didn’t, then she yelled at them and ignored them. I tried to give her a couple weeks before talking again, and she just immediately started insulting and blaming me again because ‘life is so hard for her’. I’m so annoyed by her childish behavior. I have no kids of my own, but I raised 3 children for years. I just am amazed at these spoiled adults who seriously think they do no wrong. It’s amazing to me that people are seriously this selfish. They really think that others are the ones holding them back. Just let them go be all they can be. They’ll figure it out when it’s too late, and they’ve already lost you.
Thank you for your share. My soon to be EX- fiance is the same way, I have dealt with him blaming me for everything for over 3 years. The last draw was the other evening. He instigated a fight and after realizing his aggression becoming more hostile and loud and nonstop, I decided to gather my pillow and self and sleep in the other room. Well not long after, he follows me, opens the door and starts in my face in my space and refusing to leave after multiple commands. He then continuously provoked me to hit him over and over and over again. I had enough, and my reflex went across his face. He immediately attacked me pushing me until I fell off. I was trying to fight him off of me and he started to blame me for starting the fight and stating its my fault, I’m explosive one I have anger issues, I’m out of control and oh yes and that I ‘m the one causing these issues. I am a Registered Nurse by the way. I tried to give him many chances to change but I had enough of his lies, after lies after lies. Finally I have decided to change my life, remove the toxic person from my life and I have given him a 30 day eviction notice as of today. I am ready to let go and I am worthy of better.
Sounds very similar to a past situation where I was followed into ever room of the house. She even picked the locked to get to me. After numerous attempts to avoid being scremed at I attempted to leave. Not happening said if I leave my stuff would be sure to follow. As I’m trying to leave she blocks the door, I remove her only to exit. Im outside sitting in my car and the cops pull up. Yes she called the cops saying I hit her. Crazy stuff. And with her being a woman cops automatically think she is the victim.
So. I can relate to all this BS, but what resonates with me is how we’ve all normalized this atrocious behavior. My ex and I got into a physical altercation in which I ended up on my back and pinned to the bed, being threatened to have my head bashed in. Once I was able to break free I asked him to leave, to which of course he refused, so I called the police. His story, to the rest of the world is that I punched him in the face and then called the cops. He omits everything else. Unreal. I’ve been called every name in the book and disrespected on so many levels. All this sandwiches between very “loving” moments. I’m heartbroken. I was so in love. Without the narcissism there was so much potential.
wow. sounds like what my son has been dealing with and his wife
Yes they will. My husband is about to find out. He blames me for everything. Though in this world there is a lot to blame actually but when you blame people for your abusive behavior that are willing to talk and have tried to calmly work things out there is no use.
I completely understand your situation. Have been there.
Omg!!!! Boy oh boy do I know what you’re talking about. I felt like I was losing my mind. I had to get out of there after she slapped, punched me, and choked me. I couldn’t take it another day. I tried to be the perfect husband but she blamed me for everything even her car note not being paid. I’m like……what does that have to do with me????
There are people who have these traits, I, too, living with one.
My older sisters always blame me for everything their laptop breaking when i did not use it but they were away on vacation using the shampoo when i did not touch it they do not listen to what i have to say on my part at all and if “no one ” did it they would put the blame on me . Sometimes i wish they died
Oh my, this was a refreshing read. Even when the narcissist has agreed to something, they can still be victims of their own decisions and take out their anger on the very people they made the agreement with. They have an uncanny and unattractive way of taking their own dismal thoughts and making you responsible for them. Not only do you find yourself defending yourself from their madness, you also have to take the chosen punishment for being so bad, in their opinion. It’s utter madness and once they have twisted and contorted you into the image they hold, so that they can continue being abusive, because you’re a bad person, they are shocked that you might have the audacity to argue back and dump you. Your feelings and needs don’t matter. You can spend years giving up your own, only to learn that once the narc has you where he wants you, he has no problem showing you the door if you have any needs or would like some intimacy and to be treated like a human being.
Hi Sarah
You have this desciption spot on, I have been trapped by a narc who revealed her true nature the moment she discovered she was pregnant flying off in to a rage and beating me, I have become so hypertense that now I for the first time in my life for being walked on so much I raise my voice back to her or fall for her narc manipulation, I have fully confronted her when she has gone in to rages and behaved wrongly, assaulting me swaering and screaming arround our child and tried desperatly to get throu to her, you can’t it only evokes her to carefully enact revenge and manipulation resulting in a situation where she can say that I am to blame, even if it takes hours of her abuse any slight remark back to the drilling of under the belt remarks can be used as her excuse for the entire unprovoked outrage, now she uses our child, teaching him to throw things and then points on his behaviour and demands that I say no to our child, when I do she would hug him and call me a monster, she routinly every weekend at some stage blows up in to a rage screaming any type of lie at me from rapist to paedofile as if in display for our neighbors, as if to attack my ego in a way that she feels hurt from the confrontation of hers, the narc behaviour makes her create so much trouble in our lives, she hates everythiong and nothing you do is good enough, she hatres all our neighbors for one reason or another and contantly neurotically focuses on one problem or another she would have with our home, our lives or that of a neighbor issuing that I am not a man for resoolving her problems, when I do something to remedy any issue she has it is not good enough, if I do something to resolve an issue with someone she has then she would just divorve herself of the situation calling me mental, you cant win with a narc they totally manipulate and vampire your empathy and love, your need for reciprocation and your stuck in a relationship where you contantly give and they constantly take and when you have a child with a narc you are totally trapped, she could blow up in a rage and never, ever appologise she would sacrifice her family, all love and everything on the earth than to say sorry, for her ego and do anything against you no matter how far she has to go or what length, even risking loosing our child to try and proove that you are the one with the problem, you can appologise to a narc endlessly when they are busy berateing and lecturing you as to how bad you are that they are screaming but if you confront one with their behaviour to better the relationship they will do anything to have revenge, narcs understand emotions very well, its excactly what they manipulate and they feel clever and superior for it, but try asking a narc about the end result, if they really think they got what they wanted from there chess head games and anger tantrums, in real a narc is someone who is living a lie and not from their heart.
Its crazy cause no matter what u do its always ur fault ..my husband has no friends or family so he says he burns his bridges every where he goes ..He takes medicine for bipolar but I really think he is a Nacissit. .Iam really tired of it ..He turn everything on me ..I don’t hv really no friends but I hv grown children ..my son came over sunday he was mad about but i hadnt seen him in like 4 months nobody comes here ..He has no friends or family he complains about everything and everyone ..If i dont bring up what he does he is fine ..U hv to agree with them to get alone ..I wish this was different ..I need to leave ..I met him when I was going through cancer ..I think I was just vulnerable. .Now My parents move to California far away ..I hv a sister who is not a good person andmy kids hv they on life ..I really dont no what to do ..He screams and holler and trys to degrade you really bad ..My psych doctor told me not to marry him ..Hehas been married 2 plus me make 3 ..Everytime u point out whats wrong he gets in rage and turns it on you he claims i talk to my family that lives in other states but i with him every day ..I hv no friends at all ..I need to find a support group ..He wants to go every where with me ..He says he was adopted and he grew up in a bad family life ..I love family and we always travel and had good times he doesn’t care for family ..The one question i ask how do u feel about family he said family was good he lied ..I really feel lost Iam 51 he is 50 ..I feel like I made a huge mistake he is good as long as u kiss his behind but zi feel like i lost from the world ..He has these rages and he goes off on ppl sometimes its something wrong with everyone but him ..He has a psyc doctor but i cant see how this helps…I dont no where to go i have nothing but what we hv together he pays bills he dont go no where but living in his world …He also looks at other women and when i ask him to stop he feels he does what he wants ..I no I think its just matter of time till he really force me to just leave i hv been over backwards for him ..but he has giving me a lot but only if u kiss his behind ..U cant bring up nothing his doing u hv to agree with them he wants total contol over everything i just cant figure this stuff off ..I hate to bring him around my family scared that they find out he has a anger problem and he might cuss them out or say something bad ..Iam tired of covering this …If u speak on something good he will say yea thats nice but u no whats better its like he is jealous of ppl ..Its always negative i am very positive person I like uplifting ppl not tearing them down ..I cry so hard to night ..It has been just to much ..I didn’t no of ppl like this ..I feel like one tome he will explode and it leaves me no choice but to leave ..I love him but its hard taking the fall for everything ..I come to him in a nice calm voice he goes off ..When we get in public if we talking about politics and has to let everyone here him..he acts like a kid who wants attention from everyone ..I love god and I hv talk to him but i dont no hpw much more i can take yhen latter on he trys to makeup he comes and hug me but when i say what i was trying to say he start hollering in going in rage ..I dont no want to do ..I no it i leave he go make a big scrne and he never goes no where its like he watching me we are always together but i want some girlfriend to do gurll things but he doesn’t understand if u go in public u say stuff about ppl this world is so dangerous now u hv to be careful what u say ..Iam sooo tired of it all plz someone reply to here some suggestions
Omg get a divorce so you can be happy! Sounds awful. I dovorced a narc. Hes still awful n has a narc gf too but atleast its a few times a month of talking n dealing compared to daily..
I am with one now. I have never prayed so hard last night. I just asked God to please give me the answer why you put me in this mans path. Well for some reason I was at my witts end last night and I just asked google a questiuon about his behavior. Guess what? I could couldn’t belieave what I was reading. I thought they were writing about my man. One thing I can say is it relieved a lot of questions that I was driving myself crazy with. I’m diagonosed with bipolar and manic deppressive and I dont have any insurance for the medicane to take but after I read this I think I am ok. I’m 45 years old and I have been seeing this all my life but i didn’t understand it. All I kept thinking is there is no way in hell that a The Good Lord Above made a piece of work like this. But now I see it clearly. Wow. Now I have to figure out how to leave without him knowing where I am or hurting me. He has become very violent in the last month. I am a little scared but I say get the hell out cause he’s killing me anyway with mental abuse and now physical.
Omg gf every single thing u said is my life. I knew him as a goodfriend for thirty yrs.,,turned into marriage and slowly the darkside took over. 5yrs of thinkin its me, crying, pleading asking him why how. He is sick mental from a darkchildhood I nvr knew bout. It only gets worse.I adored this man, I stay for financial reasons. What kind of man makesmocking crying noised immitating his wife crying from deep hurt? Monster. I love him. But had enuf of his illness. I keep remindin myself the worst that can happen is more namecalling, blaming, rage. Etc. Its not you. I also am isolated. And he wasmymr rite……WRONG
][Your reaction I think is what the call Stockholm Syndrome. I myself spent 24 years with a man who drugged me set my car up to stall on the expressway (when the engine gets warmed up) 2 times 10 years apart. Coincidence? Not. When my mom died I found a hand gun in her belongings. He said it would blow up in my face and he would destroy it 5 years ago. Well last year when I moved out I opened the “forbidden drawer” of his nightstand and low and behold that gun was in his nightstand fully loaded.I found out later that he had been telling the neighbors that someone was trying to break in. I bought 2 different surveillance cameras a year apart and both of them stopped working within 2 weeks of purchase .He has turned 2 of my 3 grown children against me. All I have left are about 5 people that talk to me. When he and I met 25 years ago, I had so many friends that I could call them on Thursday and have a full blown party (adults and kids alike) to spend the day at my house. Now none of them talk to me because of things he has said to them about me that are not true. I am struggling to get out more as it has been 19 months since he wiped out our accounts and the divorce was final in Oct.last year. I pretty much stay isolated to protect myself. He keeps findings ways to get info on me and then use it against me. A very lonely life for a 60 year old who used to be somewhat of a social butterfly. He use to drug me and then convince me the blackouts were because I was crazy. Funny thing is I have not had a blackout since he is unable to get into my house to drug me. I don’t trust anyone now. I moved away for awhile and one of my family members ( he and I have no kids together) turned on me and let him into my storage unit and take what he wanted. MONTHS after the divorce was final. Actually he has only his mother now but she lives 1200 miles from him.
It is a scary thing to go through to find out 19 months after the fact he is still manipulating my friends and family. 2 kids don’t speak to me now convinced I did to him what he actually did to me. I pray that I can get through my bankruptcy and move away and not let anyone but my son that lives out of state know I left and not give them a forwarding address. I don’t think they will even know as I have not heard from either of the two adult children that live near me for over a month.I hope and pray when he finds out I have gone no contact with my 2 kids he will give up. I don’t talk to anyone that were mutual friends any longer either. Too many ways for him to get to me.
I will pray for you and your situation as I know what you have been through. Like all of the survivors of narcissistic relation ships. Good luck to you. We will all make it through this if we just believe in what we are learning and that God is here for us.
I am in the same boat as you Sue and I can’t tell anybody
OMGosh! Just read your post about “mocking crying noises” imitating crying wife from her/your deep hurt…..my ex did the very same thing to me! I’ve read A LOT about narcissist abuse, but your post is first one that included that aspect.
They are pure EVIL!
Some people are killed by narcs so please don’t think name calling and rage is as bad as it gets.Mental abuse also tips people over the edge and can irretrievably ruin yr life or end it
I’m in the same situation. Your story is my story to the T. Almost feels like we’re married to the same person. Would love to talk to you individually to see how things turned out since your post was so long ago
I was in this situation.
Get out.
No contact.
Move on.
Get good therapy and support.
Be around family and fri nds.
Don’t try and figure him out.
I found Lisa A Romano’s 12 week program
helpful. Made me look at myself and work on me.
Thank him to yourself for bringing your attention
to where you need to heal and do work.
Self care.
You are enough
Thanks so much. This brought tears to my eyes. I have lived with for 19 years. For the longest time I thought it was me. Very hard to deal with and it strips away at your self worth and being. I am now going to get counseling to figure out what to do next.
Yes that program works well!!!
Good advice.
A lot of recognition written here.
So good to find others writing about going through the same.
And as much as I totally agree and recognize the stories,- with advice like above, No Contact and work on yourself, I am happy other words of advice are given as well.
Leave the other person behind you as much as you can – if possible. You should never meet them on your own, always go with a friend who believes you, if you have to meet. Take care that you record on your phone what happens if you go alone. That is very eise also for when you have to appear in court for the divirce.
Or stay in No Contact.
Working on the reason you fell for this person is key!
Only you can stop the powerplay and it is such freedom to really realize that!,,
Good luck!
Leave him now before it is too late! You need to take care of yourself. Everyone needs friends and family and he is just trying to control you and manipulate you. If he really loved you he would treat you with respect. He is afraid that if you have friends or family in your life that you will leave him but I am telling you right now, you need to leave. I have a daughter going through this and it is heartbreaking watching him control her and take everything away fromm her. He is slowly isolating her from us. I will not let this happen.
You are so fight. What I’ve discovered is this; if you’re a really nice person who is always looking for the best or the good in people, especially the ones you care about, you will constantly take this kind of abuse and in most cases, if not always, think that you were wrong. Only after you take some time off for yourself to reflect and be happy, will you realize that it was not your fault. I had a girlfriend who i figured was like that. I choose to think it’s because she’s really fragile. Once I submitted to her needs, she dumped me. It was devastating. You are willing to give all for this person, but once they have you right where they want you, they just leave or do something really hurtful because they have no regards for your feelings and they do not take the time to consider your needs or where you are coming from when you complain about something. It’s a really difficult situation especially when you truly love someone.
You are very lucky she dumped you. My N sister keeps me around for a punching bag. There have been a couple of times when I refused to talk or be around her but I felt guilty since she is my only sister and she has no husband or children. Being a Christian…I struggle with doing the right thing. We had a couple of good years until recently. Something trivial set her off. I guess since things had been going good, I let my guard down and talked to her like I talk to everyone. I am trying not to talk to her but she baits me by asking me some questions but even the shortest simplest answers give her something to criticize. Her replies do not even make a logical connection and I feel like I am losing my mind. To make it worse she is extremely jealous. She often tries to take credit for things I do. Like the family tree that I have invested years on she posted for everyone to see that she had helped by giving me the information. I am not doing it for credit but she certainly knows how to rob me of any joy. I am almost 76 years old and I have had it. It is a shame at this point in my life I can’t find a way to have a relationship with my only sister. However, I have given my all and she makes me out to be a horrible person. It is a no win situation for me. The absolute only person that totally understands is my husband. I don’t know what I would do without him. The only solution is get away from these people.
what you said hits the nail on the head with my spouse. (I never know what to call him after 18yrs and no marriage but it really is a marriage) i love him with all my heart. Is there anyway a narcissist can change? I dont know what to do. His verbal abuse, blaming and putdowns have got me at wits end. This is breaking my heart. He said he wants to talk to a marriage counselor together and I am 100% down with doing that. Im hoping that she will tell him the error in his ways , and of course mine too.
Beware of whatever the narcissist is nagging you for, no matter how reasonable and lofty it sounds – including marriage counseling. It’s common for narcissists, who think everyone else is at fault, to go to marriage counseling to play power and control games – tell fake stories and lies, get you to look frenzied and defensive, so the counselor thinks you’re crazy and basically strokes the narcissist’s ego and gives them permission to dominate you. You’ll be beaten up by 2 people emotionally. Then your narcissist spouse will run around telling friends and family the you needed counseling because YOU are “mentally ill.” DON’T FALL FOR IT – let HIM go to counseling for himself. Counselors are too poorly trained and have too many personal issues to not get sucked in to the narcissist’s game. It happened to me.
That is a great point, Anne. These folks are so manipulative even an offering of “help” can be turned around and totally used against you. There are not enough people trained in how to deal with this disorder to offer effective help.
Really pertinent, Roni and Anne. I have been at the receiving end of this manipulative behaviour, was mindful and fully aware of the potential fallout. Guard against falling for it. In fact, don’t.
20 years with a narcissist, they DONT CHANGE!! HE to played the counselor card he just blamed the counselor played his manipulation games and continued the behaviours..run and never look back!! The number one fear that every single victim has is that if you let them go after everything you invested they’re going to go on and be happy..thats exactly what they manipulated/abused us into thinking!! You dont go from insane, twisted lying cheater to normal faithful, moral and honest…THEY DONT CHANGE FOR ANYONE!!
This is sound wisdom. Couple counseling will not work with these types. In my case it is even worse. I think the therapist was a narc ( imagine the power and control). My therapist went to counseling with her narc officer husband and he fooled 5 therapists. If a therapist does happen to catch on , they will switch therapists. Read the book ” healing from hidden abuse ” written by a therapist . She has yet to see ONE of these people change . ONE. great book for your healing. Good luck.
Omg, this is exactly what I’ve been dealing with for over 5 years. Now I’m such a mess that I’m completely lost & helpless, I have no one for advice or help, can’t afford counseling & feel like I just want to die.
Please continue to read everything you can about narc abuse…it has literally saved me from brink of nervous breakdown!
Others sharing their stories and insight will probably help you more than therapy ever will anyway!
We’ve all been in each other’s shoes and you will find a soft place to fall within these forums.
Hang on!
I am living with a person who says yes to everything we spend but somehow I am the spender? I never spend in big ticket items that I first don’t consult him about. He likes to say that I “like to spend my ass off”… But innocently says he doesn’t blam me. He criticizes every choice I make, while at that the same time saying “how much he has supported me”… He loves name calling, you know, “Dumbass, Stupid, Whore, and “you are a lifelike the rest of your lying family”… One day whi,e we were getting ready to complete loan papers on a house he got aggravated a d I said “oh you know how this goes, just give them what they want….his response”now I am dealing with two people in Moronvi,le, the loan officer a d you. I swished the papers at him and became at me and said “Sometimes I think you are too stupid too live…. Yes, I think I have been too stupid.
My ex that I left many times for cheating on me always begged me back to blame the cheating on me to make me feel I was doing something wrong..he got me back then soon after made me feel like he didn’t want me anymore to twist things like I wasn’t good enough or could do anything for him. He lied and lied and lied to me and hit me and shouted at me then after he said why am I upset like he didn’t just do what he did. I didn’t no what he was into he did so much wrong then tried to just forget it within 2minutes. When I wanted to leave he got upset then couldn’t take it was him why I was leaving then when he didn’t get what he wanted he abused me and got angry and said it was me that wasn’t good for him he changed from being nice to blaming me he is out my life now
Thank you for this post. I feel like I could have written every word myself, but I guess that’s no surprise. Ns operate out of a handbook I swear. During the final discard, my xN lashed out at me for something extremely trivial. He stormed out of our house and preceded to attack me over text message for hours. When I pleaded with him to stop he told me to stop making everything about myself and let him talk. When I told him to stop hiding behind text and come say all thi to my face he told me to go f myself, get some boxes, pack my sh?& and get out. Of course after all was said and done, I was responsible for making him so angry. I brought him to this level and this is why he HAD to do what he did. I had abused and hurt him, MY inner struggle apparently ran too deep. Self righteous asshole….
I dated a narcissist off/on for 6 yrs and finally married him. We are not kids. I am going to be 65 – We married 2 yrs ago. I figured I could handle this man/child. Every time I thought we came to an understanding, by the next day he didn’t remember a thing we talked about and reverted back to his selfish/self absorbed self. I was his 3rd wife and we only lasted a little over 2 yrs. The respect was gone – no trust – no intimacy. Nothing. Just anger and constant fights. He spent money like water and gave me none. Kept my finances separate knowing ( ALWAYS trust your intuition) that this union would never work. It was all about him and what HE wanted. The last straw was when he started calling me a b*tch and told me that I was not allowed to go to Las Vegas with my 40 yr old daughter as a birthday present to me. He ignored me on our anniversary, Christmas, and ruined my last birthday by spending all day working on his car in the garage. The kicker?? Now he’s blaming ME for ruining the marriage. I was married before – 31 yrs. 4 grown college educated children. He isolated me from them – complained when I wanted to see my only grandchild — and kept me a prisoner. I moved out yesterday. By last night – he’d changed the locks. I’m done with this drama. You will NEVER win with a narcissist. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. They fight dirty and will NEVER accept responsibility/accountability for their part.. EVER. We did go to a marriage counselor. She told me… ” You may not want to divorce him now – but you may later.” When she asked him what the last nice thing he did for me was? He replied..” I married her”………. Her face turned to stone.
I’ve tried and tried to make this work. But they are arrested in emotional development at 6. I’m sorry they have issues — but I’m sick of being blamed for what time the Sun rises. There is more to life than being miserable. Learn and move on. If it’s all about THEM, appearances, being the life of the party, etc. etc. and then they abuse you behind closed doors… RUN. Once they have you — You will know you’ve met Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde. Good luck to you all.
OMGosh, every thing Kay said was me , right down to the word I use, kicker. But I stayed 14 yrs preped 4 last 2 and left MY house , gave my horse away, I didnt want to end up like a 23 yr old I knew , dead. A N rage is scary. I am 7 months into the divorce, cost over 10 k. Fired 1 st attorney. Do not ever hire someone in a firm. They will screw u at the same time as him. I tryed to leave a message at the home but he answered , wasnt at work. Short version, met him for coffie to show him paperwork and made it clear if not sighned and to bank in 2 days we will go to trial. Oh well! We met at my attorney with the papers and then to the bank to start his loan to by my home. Got a sweet deal.45k less than appraisal , I got done before I dissappear ed.and he keeps all his big stuff.
I made sure I let him know why I left. So then he tells the banker we are getting back togerthe…..he calles me3 wks, I tape alot and get stuff to use against him if our perchase agreement and stipulation agreem. Falls apart…..then I start complaining about it all. Pleased to say he has not called me in 23 days! He was going to suck me back in so he could SPIT me out ! Not going to happen cause I never shed 1 tear but rejoiced since I left. Feelings are still there for me but only for the love that I wanted but never got. Oh and u can make an agreement with a N even have him sighn it , like it means something ha. These web sites have been healing.along with help thru the ywca .
this give me hope, I own my home cause my narc partner and I are not married, he never can keep a job because of his lovely attitude, and so i am the reason he even has a roof over his head, he has been using me and sponging off me for years. I have been telling him since i was pregnant with my first child 6 years ago to get out, and he wont. I have really pleaded with the guy to leave the last 2, with detachment, with begging, with calling out to god. he wont leave, like some kind of ultimate final act of abuse, he knows I run my dog sitting business out of my home and I would literally have to end my income to leave my home, and why would I leave my own home? I own it outright. we have 2 kids and have been together almost 14 years. your story gives me courage I can leave.
Thanks for this Kay. I am in the same situation. I am 63 and have been married to him for 18 years. I cannot take it anymore. But I am scared to go up against him in court. He thinks everything is his. I signed a prenup…thinking we would never get divorced. He is hanging on to that piece of paper with a smile on his face.
Mimi,
I hope you left him. So what if he has a piece of paper? How much is your freedom worth? They SO enjoy watching us suffer — and WHY would we give them that much power over us?? We need to set boundaries, say NO, refuse to take blame for something we did not do — THEY cannot take responsibility for their bad decisions, have no accountability.. and that was always my objective.. MAKE him accountable.. Refuse bad behavior…. Set limits.. Show them you are NOT weak and can survive just fine without them.. They are mentally disordered people, not wired like us.. It’s like being born minus an organ – a limb – and they cannot change. It is ingrained.. but we can learn to COPE. IF that is what you choose to do. Some of us do choose to stay.. SO.. if this is you????? Follow my lead.
l. Do not engage in arguments. You will lose. They twist the truth, make up stories, call you a liar, say you are crazy.. blah blah blah.. Let them rant/rave.. keep a low profile and DO NOT ENGAGE. It is not about you… If you are the subservient wife/girlfriend — they are happy.
2. Do not ever expect anything. Do not ask for anything. It takes a strong person to deal with a narcissist. Be self sufficient and keep your finances separate if you can. They believe in quid pro quid.. They always expect to make “some kind of deal”… in that they will more often take and rarely give ( only for appearances)…. It’s a business transaction.. This is not about love.
3. My Dad was a narcissist. I couldn’t understand why my Mother let him verbally abuse her and us kids.. We lived a horrific life with this unrelenting, nasty, excuse for a Father. NOTHING we ever did was good enough.. So.. my advice? You have children?? GET OUT. You are setting a horrible example accepting this behavior and showing your kids that it is OK to abuse people — or accept the abuse.. NO NO NO.. Save your children. There is hope for them.. You may have to work two jobs to support yourself but isn’t their happiness more important than attempting to make this idiot happy?? It cannot be done.
4. Do not let a narcissist destroy your self esteem when he trashes you to his friends/family when he’s felt like you’ve attacked him. Mine destroyed my reputation ( At home – I was the best thing that ever happened to him.. according to HIM).. This family never accepted me because of the lies. Don’t try to fix it.. Just live your life — and give up the idea that you can prove him wrong. You can’t.
5. Put up a wall. Put up an imaginary bubble around you.. deflect those poison arrows when he / she starts in on you.. To them, it’s a 2 yr old temper tantrum. It will be forgotten in 5 minutes.. They are just spewing their nasty venom.. The stress/anger/rage builds up and it’s gone as fast as it got there.. Just ride the wave.. and always remind
yourself.. IT IS NOT YOU.. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG> IT IS THEM.
Peace
The more I read these comments my ex husband is now making so much more sense at to the way he treats me now! I just had court yesterday, we divorced late 2012, but he just filed a motion to modify child support (we share 3 children), as well as parental rights and a few other things, he filed this motion in February shortly after meeting his now fiance, and was just mediated yesterday. Long story short, in 2012, after 8 years of marriage, we divorced ford numerous reasons, two of the biggest is for the last 2 years of our marriage, he forgot I existed, would sleep on the couch, be out with friends, etc… second reason, he slept with a woman right in front of me. He left to be a civilian contractor overseas for 2 years, and when he finished that, he decided to move to Wisconsin (the kids and I live in Maine). But now that he has to pay child support and doesn’t have the money coming in that he wants (he wanted to literally pay $0 for support), he and his family are attacking me saying it’s all my fault he can not see the kids, I am taking all his money and being greedy, and of course all of these comments are on social media where my oldest daughter reads them! But yet it is my fault, I am ruining the relationship with the children and him and his family…it sucks and I don’t know what to do about the way I feel. I mean, he and his mother verbally attacked me right outside the courtroom where we just agreed to the terms! If anyone has any ideas or even wants to share contact info for support I would greatly appreciate it!
Daisy – So this is two years old now. How have things changed/improved/worsened? Your story sounds similar to mine and what I’m going through right now. I would be interested in speaking with you further if you’d like. I have an 8 year old son and my narcissist ex is trying to modify custody now and trying to dig up anything he can and make up things, doing anything to make me look bad. There’s so much that’s happened, and we’re going back to court in 3 months or less and I still owe my attny money for court in Feb. My ex is saying things to our son that shouldn’t be said, using manipulation and trying to turn my son against me like he did our older daughter. Let me know if you’d like to talk more.
My N was identified by a counselor that he actually set me up to counsel with. She recommended a well know book about N’s and it opened my eyes to twenty two years of abuse. I am a christian and I have seeked counsel with pastors who have told me to stay and be a submissive wife. It Does Not help that the N tells the pastors or counselors that I am crazy and relates my reactions of extreme exasperation due to his gaslighting and blame shifting modes of operation. I cannot counsel with him, as he assassinates my character as soon as the timer starts ticking, and then I am accepting the blame for my actions and get upset and cannot convey intelligently what the N does to me 🙁 . My oldest son 19 has been using drugs and now he is in the process of getting clean. He has psychological issues that developed due the drug use. The N is not helping our sons fragile state of mind. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Trying to be the voice of reason with the two of them. I’m sorry to go on…. Getting out is so hard. I feel so afraid and alone and scared to leave, and I hate myself for staying and putting my children through this. But I feel that it is getting close, and I am getting stronger…. Oh side note. I have hypothyroid. Over the past year my N has been at his worst. He has been out of state at work and school for about nine months. I have been running the family, the farm , the business… I fell into a deep depression stopped taking my thyroid hormone correctly due to stress exhaustion and preoccupation with the N’s attacks, and spiraled into despair rendering me barely able to function mentally physically and emotionally. So like I said I am on the mend and feeling stronger and maybe more confident to move on. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. God Bless
How are you doing now? I have so many of your symptoms from the narssisst abuse. I lived 15 years with my cruel narsisst husband who I am now divorcing. He abused me and my children verbally,emotionally,physically and sexually abused me and financially abused me. I got so exhausted and felt like i was dying physically. I couldnt think and he would tell me in front of my kids that i didnt love them and was a horrible mother and that i left them as soon as they went to sleep at night to go out with numerous men. He had all his friends calling me the monster. They didnt see him hitting my kids and beating me in the head and picking me up and slamming me to the ground. He also used to tell me to kill myself and no one would miss me. I had a very serious life threatening allergic reaction to a bug bite one time and when i asked for a five dollar box of benedryle for it he told me not to bother him. I am trying to get out of this now but am so sick i developed severe panic attacks and its really hard. Sorry to tell you all this but when i saw you were a christian like me and went through this too I really wanted to talk to you.
I married a N and I don’t know how much more of this I can take. He is his mother’s only child and just like him she deflects the blame onto someone else. She blames me for him and he blames me for her and no matter what I do, I am always to blame. My husband lacks compassion for me and will only admit when he’s wrong when he thinks he’s doing me a favor. He never admits it when he really is to blame. Tonight he tried talking about our problems. He stayed quiet and allowed me to open up. I poured out some of my issues regarding him and our marriage. He responds by rubbing my back and saying well I’m glad you got that out, have you thought about seeing a psychologist? Wtf! Are you kidding me. I had to leave the room. I decided to sleep on the couch. I can’t with him anymore. We’ve been together 3 yrs and only married 5 mons. This is insane, I thought he’d change, but he can’t becuase he doesn’t see a problem in himself. He jist text me not to long ago saying he thinks I’m right we need marriage counseling. That’s a step in the rt direction I hope. I feel so unloved, mistreated, and beat down emotionally. I don’t know how much more I can take.
Thank you for these tactics. I will use them to be happy again.
Well said. Thank you.
Great advice, Kay. Stay strong, Mimi. Remember in your mind that he is wrong, not you. Don’t second guess yourself either. Go with your gut. You stay the bigger person. I’m married to one but he’s not as bad. I don’t allow him to put me down. He knows where the door is.
Thansk for the advice… Its going on 4 years this July. Have 2 .. I him Sept 2014 after i choked me telling me if i keft him he sould kill me… I was sleepinh with everyone but him according to him-yea with a one year old and new born. Not that he wpuldve known since he was never around only to come check on me and take my money and get a hot meal and want sex. Smh. After leaving my life got a little better besides the accusations of sleeping with men infront of the kids and all the nasty inappropriate things you can imagine. So this Dec he begged he changed said he soukd die showing me he was the one. After 2 months he wants metals for doing the right thing-THAT HE BEEGED FOR. found him lying talking with exs. Blaming me saying i dont appreciate him.. I cause him to do stray that if i f**c*ed him – which i did at least 3 times a day.. But he wants more and im only human with w babies… Everythings me.. He leaves for weeks after manipulating me to give him my income taxes as an investment… $2500 and now hes gone for weeks at a time and wants me to say nothing.. And cuz i do blames me for bitching all the time- he does nothing good ough.. Thats why he stays away.. All he’s doing is trying. Have yet to see more $400 in 4months… When i had a girlfriend over he come here and was in rage saying sleeping together blah blah.. I finally had enough again nit he wint leave. Saying my fault its not working.. And im just done. It’s going to be hard not to fight him and explain myself..but reading here i see there is no point- he took enough of my and doesnt even my explanation. Thanks all and good luck.
I am 46 and met my narcissistic Jekyll and Hyde 6 years ago. Looking back now I can see how vulnerable I was. He is handsome strong and sooo charming, declarations of love came after 1 week. My first husband had committed suicide 2 years earlier and our son Was only 8 years old at the time, so 2 years of grieving and depression were lifted when I met Rob. He had moved in after only 3 weeks. I was the woman of his dreams, his soul mate….The alarm bells came very shortly after but I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of my romantic illusion. My man was damaged (former drug addict). Little did I know the real truth, which came out gradually. He had mountains of debt, unpaid credit cards, debt collectors, child support (4 children he seems to have forgotten existed), debt in other names, the list goes on. 6 months into it it dawned on me he had a severe alcohol problem. The first time we argued about this, he spat in my face. When I regretfully slapped him, he decked me. I fell like a fly and was numb, in denial, he didn’t mean it, he was sorry, he would stop drinking. I bought it all, to preserve my illusion of the perfect relationship. Since then I have been called every name in the bin. I am a dog, c..t, mother f..ker, who’re, I have been spat on, had sand shovelled in my face, humiliated, punched, kicked out of the house , I’m a terrible mother, no one else would have me and no wonder your first husband killed himself. Oh my you wouldn’t believe how my self esteem fell to nothing. And yet I am a professional woman, with a brilliant career – how could this happen?…. He’s had counselling , he’s had medication, but now he says I’m the one who needs it, because I’m a head case… He is 45 and wants to join the army reserves, so that he can shoot people… ( I know he will never pass the psyche tests). The final straw came when he said he wants a gun and was getting one from a mate just last weekend. When I put my foot down, he threw a tantrum and threatened to leave. I told him to go right ahead – and so he did yesterday, of course it’s all my fault, what he has put up with and him telling me I will always be miserable and don’t support him.. 6 years and I,ve given him everything including mine and my sons financial security. I blame myself for being so stupid. I was worried about being alone but have realised that I have been for the longest time. At 46 I will rebuild. I am In Counselling and learning to stop blaming myself. I’m not really sure if he is a narcissist, but he is something not good for me.
I read all this and feel two things, relief and disgust. I’m relieved to know I’m not crazy, that for the past 2 years I’ve been in a relationship with a N who swapped me off my feet with lies and has destroyed me in every level possible But that it is NOT me with the problem. It is him and I cannot fix him. And I’m disgusted at how much I’ve put myself through, a string woman in control of her life Always, and became the scapegoat if a sick minded man. Thanks ladies for sharing your story… It feels good to hear solution to the problem. May God bless us beautiful woman with peace and love.
Kellydog, your comment made me cry. I just can really connect with the fact of being scared of being alone yet for the first time in 6 years have just realised iv been alone all the time. My N has just walked out on me (good riddance) after telling me he won’t support me and my kids. Yet I work myself, run my own home and take care of my children. Over the last 6 years he has used, yelled, screamed and demanded from me. If I don’t answer my phone on the first call I’m having an affair. He checks where I am every hour, wants me to fill in bank forms, paperwork etc Because he cant or cant be bothered’. I had to get a bank account for him in my name , a phone account because he couldn’t get one. He calls me awful names when he argues, bitch, slag, fat etc. He blamed me tonight for the breakdown of our relationship because he didn’t want to be intimate anymore. After 6 years we don’t even live together….his choice. However I’m counting that as a almighty blessing tonight.
yes! def cut off all attachment if you don’t live together, you will start feeling better instantly! Definitely dont get housing or finances together. His behavior is not right, you know it and you should listen to your gut feeling pls, before it gets worse or harder.
You were the prime target..
So was I.. Just been through depression, my mother passed away.. My siblings started fighting over the will ..I was alone. Hurt ..
This is the when you need love and ignore the normal warning signs..
Hope things are going well for you now.. :”)
So true, I had a similar situation after losing my father (my only family).
My defences where down and I let in the devil.
Omg just been through the same thing. Could I possibly have your email address please. Would love one empowerment righ now. Thanks.
Wow. I been through the same case. I have been lied to only to be told it was my fault. I have been forced to do things to show my loyalty. Things I am ashamed of. I am 30 with two kids and I am in a bad case of depression. I thought about hurting myself because I have blamed myself for our marriage problems so much. I have called help but it going to take three weeks just to get seen. I don’t know how much longer I can look at him. I don’t know how to get out. I feel so ashamed.
Kay
Your story is a lot like my own. I found myself nodding when you described the endless blaming and the “Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde” reference.
My situation goes a little deeper, as the master manipulator is my father.
I love him, but if he wasn’t my father, I would run the other way, just as you did. It was until recently that I put the puzzle together which is a bit embarrassing, really, but I had to know what was going on with my father all these years and why my siblings and I have struggled through our own issues, namely, low self-esteem. You are right to say they will not listen, no matter how passionate you are about your feelings. When you’re a narc, the feelings and opinions of other’s do not matter. My advice to teens and to the adults who have a parent who was abusive and domineering, self-centered, etc, is to EDUCATE yourself on the subject of narc and other behavioral disorders, so that you know who and what you’re dealing with. Just remember……Your views and opinions are important, even if they are right or wrong. You have JUST as much right to speak your mind. Believe in yourself. Leaving them behind might be the only option you have, but at least you can have your life back.
Your comment summed up my situation better than any other. I just want to thank you for posting. You never know how many people you may help, but I am definitely one. I have been gone from my husbands home for two weeks. I am living with my best friend who happens to be a therapist and am so fortunate to have her. I did so much covering and lying for him and most of my friends and family had no clue what I was living with. It’s hard to describe it to a normal person, especially after he had my entire being tied into a pretzel. I knew when I left that I would have to just be okay with no closure and him acting like the victim and lying about me. So far, so good. He is pulling strings but they have no effect on me. Let me rephrase. It affects me emotionally, but I am determined not to go back. I found this site by googling abusers acting like a victim. What an eye opener!!! Again, thank you
So healing to hear I’m not crazy. I married narc 26 years. I stayed because of my fear of being alone and codependency. But seeing lawyer today I have to get out. They can make you miserable and sick. Everything is my fault never takes responsibility or blame. He’s been seeing another woman so now he mentioned getting an attorney new supply for him. I’m running fast
I was married 27 years to a narcissist, I was always jumping through hoops that were never enough. I was married and alone. I was to blame for his miserable existence. I did not find out many of his broken damaged behaviors till 6 yrs into the relationship. Like previous cutting of himself, suicidal ideology, etc… I always knew I was not the problem and tried to reason with him about it, but was put down, and eventually threatened and abused. He was very sexually abusive too. Best thing I ever did was finally go for counseling and take their advice. Opened my eyes and validated me and my experiences with him as so dysfunctional. Great article here, thanks for sharing it. <3
When I think I am ok something new happens. My N was at my grand kids BD party, and daughter inlaws friend lives in same hud housing as I , was spending alot of time with him talking and laughing ALOT, kinda flirt like.
I am freaked out as 1 I dont want him to know where I am and how hurtful if he starts up with her. I know he needs a target and she is the only single girl his age available to him. I bet its started already. Sound jealous. ? Yes but only because I dont want it in my world my son he said he helped raise..for he was 17 when we married. Ha! I am getting my perspective again as I write. Hes not my problem anymore and I did the moraly right thing and warned my sons wife about the N . And my jobs done . When he hurts her , believing it will happen then maybe my son will believe me aboutthe abuse I suffered for 15 yrs. I rented a storage today and I need to get my lefto er stuff out before I see something icant dealwith. Its hard. I left myhome to besafe and he is a smug sob, I told my aattorney today I would like to wipe the smug look off his face withmanure! 1 st thing that popped in to my head. Oh well , another day wishing I hadnt talked to him after 6 months of not. But it got the divorce papers to the table , almost there ! Complete break is theonly way to get away .I was fine for 6 months but now I am trying to crawl back to fine.i will get there , I have plans !
Obviously, it is immature when narcissists turn around and blame the other person, when the narcissist started the problem, but do the narcissists truly believe that the other person is to blame? In other words, does the narcissist know deep down that he/she (the narcissist is at fault) or does the narcissist truly believe that the other person is at fault? I have learned not to say much (if anything) around the narcissist that I know, because anything I say around her, her wording about what I said is always twisted around in a way to make me look like the guilty person. In addition, I have found that narcissists are incredibly cheap with money, even if they have very high salaries.
That question interests me too, they seem so natural and instinctive with the reactionary tantrums it comes across as pure instinct, like a dog biting you if you hurt it. On the other hand so much of the behaviour seems quite calculated and well designed as a tool of manipulation, suggesting to me it’s an act.
I’m quite sure they believe they are “right” but as for the details …
And yes, mean-fisted, but also selective and conditional. My father was probably one of the highest paid parents around, but I went to school in hand-me down rags, had a haircut by mum and wasn’t allowed even deodorants.
Yes their tantrums are completly rehearsed and they try to ever cross the border and lower the line of how far they can cross from the initial shock attack when a narc reveals their true nature behind clossed doors, they wish to aleinate you and proove how rubbish you are if you dare to respond to thier behavior, they wish to abuse your love in to apatrhy in to hate to show you that you are wrong and not their unreasonable child like temper tantrums, nothing is good enough for a nrc and it wont take long before they turn everything you love about life in to missery.
There was nothing to love about life in that simmering hellhole. I was a little child, and for as long as I can remember I was being crushed and violated. Nothing was mine, nothing was sacred, and I was to constantly acknowledge the repeated mantra of how I had no idea how lucky I was to have parents who took care of me.
All I wanted was for it to end, but I didn’t even have the self-confidence left to run or commit suicide. He had me genuinely believing all alternatives were even worse.
Takes a long time to unlearn all that!
I get blamed for everything. If i try to show and make sense of the truth and he finally sees im right which with him its always who is right and who is wrong, never a misunderstanding, he then will argue for the truth of the same thing I am saying just in a different way. As long as I am a good little girl and kiss butt all is good. Often I avoid any confrontation with him. I just honestly hate everything anymore. It’s a way for him to cover his own ego and protect himself by shifting the blame. Never once in 1.5 years have I heard him say anything about owning his own blame. Why would you intentionality want to hurt someone you love so that you look good. “You did it first” or “you said such beforevents or first” because you “basically made me do it because of what you…” it’s a never ending cycle that is a mental dysfunction if you ask me. I asked a test used the same words he did but he calls me crazy or narcissistic and or a bunch of other names. I don’t get it. And I really donot get how he always has to be right and I wrong that is the biggest problem that fuels my anxiety and my stomach now keeps ulcers. I think I stay sick because of this. Can I? Also he makes sure I feel lesser then he. Or even if we both do something and he does it more and it seems to be a issue with him if i try to talk to him about it nicely no blaming he goes back to that place of finding justification by stating I joined him in said action but if I say it’s not a problem for me like it is him he has to make me feel I’m to blame for it ALL (Drinking). So much mind manipulation and I see it he doesn’t. I loved psychology so I did pay attention and I see alot of what I learned.
Whitney — it is not a conscious thing these narcissists do when blaming you or anyone around them for what they caused themselves. It’s automatic.. They cannot admit they are less than perfect so when distressed, their first reaction is to blame/deflect. They will stop at NOTHING to convince YOU that you are the one causing trouble.. again. My favorite comment from him was always.. “YOU ARE CRAZY”… Yes, he MADE me crazy!! Anyway.. he will twist words, facts, rewrite history, fabricate, … do anything to make his story sound convincing.. And he has done this for SO long, he DOES believe in his own mind.. that his story is true. This is how disturbed they are. They begin to believe their own lies. Yes, they are incredibly cheap/stingy and my husband (narcissist) made l00K last year. He igorned me at Xmas, our Anniversary, my birthday… but made sure ALL his family had something for Xmas because.. God forbid.. he look like a cheapskate to THEM. Appearances are EVERYTHING to a narcissist. That’s why they have to have the best of everything when they can’t afford it ( convincing themselves they deserve it anyhow).. best clothes, best toys, best vacations.. blah blah.. while YOU are wearing old clothes, saving money at the grocery store, clipping coupons, and wondering why YOU never had a honeymoon, never taken out to dinner, believing endless of promises of .. we’ll do it soon… but when “soon” comes.. HE SAYS HE HAS NO MONEY.
Go figure.
Oh wow – this sounds just like my ex….his “friends” (all users) got the best of everything while I lived in a dump of a house he would not fix as he promised when we brought it. His family (all users) got him to borrow money for them and that left me to pay household bills since his money went to loan payments. In 10 years of marriage I did not receive one nice present on any special occasion. He always had the best of everything but I had to make do. It’s interesting to see that this is part of their pattern….sad but interesting.
Oh wow thats almost an exact description, they WILL do anything and all they do is gaslighting, learning what gaslighting is has saved me alot of times, to manipulaate their tantrums and your words so that YOU are wrong all the while accusing you of doing exactly what their behaviour is an ddont expect an appology cos a narc is fully conscious of their behaviour and what they are doing, I feel sorry for my narc partner, I want in a way to save her but the humane feeling of this inside is exactly what she exploits, I feel alienated and that in order to get away from her I would have to give this part of myself up and with the daily vamperism of the narc behaviour I can only say that a narc is a real vampire.
This is what I live also! I get blamed for everything. If i try to show and make sense of the truth and he finally sees im right which with him its always who is right and who is wrong, never a misunderstanding, he then will argue for the truth of the same thing I am saying just in a different way. As long as I am a good little girl and kiss butt all is good. Often I avoid any confrontation with him. I just honestly hate everything anymore. It’s a way for him to cover his own ego and protect himself by shifting the blame. Never once in 1.5 years have I heard him say anything about owning his own blame. Why would you intentionality want to hurt someone you love so that you look good. “You did it first” or “you said such beforevents or first” because you “basically made me do it because of what you…” it’s a never ending cycle that is a mental dysfunction if you ask me. I asked a test used the same words he did but he calls me crazy or narcissistic and or a bunch of other names. I don’t get it. And I really donot get how he always has to be right and I wrong that is the biggest problem that fuels my anxiety and my stomach now keeps ulcers. I think I stay sick because of this. Can I? Also he makes sure I feel lesser then he. Or even if we both do something and he does it more and it seems to be a issue with him if i try to talk to him about it nicely no blaming he goes back to that place of finding justification by stating I joined him in said action but if I say it’s not a problem for me like it is him he has to make me feel I’m to blame for it ALL (Drinking). So much mind manipulation and I see it he doesn’t. I loved psychology so I did pay attention and I see alot of what I learned. He twistsaid my words and actions to the way he wants to explain it and also tells me what I think. Guess he is psychic!
What should I do if the guy is blaming me? He is saying I’m lying, but he was the one who lied. Should I ignore him or should I tell him everything I have in my mind?
Don’t say a word to him. Leave him be and go about with your life as if he never existed. I mean, if you were important to him and you mattered, you need not breathe a vowel. Your reality don’t matter and telling him everything you have in your mind won’t change his reality if he is a Narc. Should he stay gone and remain so, you should see that as a blessing. Why would you want a loser to be in your life anyway? You deserve better than that and you know that already.
Great answer, Elynn.. Keep quiet.. It will prove to be a blessing… And you are right.. NOTHING changes their reality. Just agree with him… say you’re sorry he feels that way.. and go vacuum. Or go for a walk.. Just ignore him. Hugz.
You cannot reason with these types of people. I live with this everyday just wondering what fight will happen. Leave while you can. I just hate everything I am now depressed because I can’t find my own happiness. Heck bexcuse im a night person I stay up late and go back to sleep when kids are at school it’s my fault he lays back down to sleep like I do. It’s my fault he sleeps instead of staying up and doing what he wants. It’s my fault he sleeps till 10 or 11. I should counter with some blame by saying it’s your fault I sleep bc i am depressed you blame me and I wonder what he would say? He would just carry on most likely with how I’m wrong he’s right and I’m crazy like all females! I usually say sure or ok or nothing and walk off. He gets a rise out of arguing so that he can call me names. Always calls names!
Hi Everyone1st time here. I’m 37+yrs in. Always said I lived w/2 men. All those yrs felt like he loved to hate me! Never knew the truth til Jan 2013- DISCLOSURE DAY of the affairs, drugs, alcoholism, porn, constant flirting (piles of a sick soul & distorted persomallity). ALL HIDDEN while everyday he told me he loved me. I am still Sweetheart to this day despite the sadistic verbal & emotional cruelty. The physical reality came in now knowing why I had such terrible female problems (full hystetectomy in 2000). To say we suffer alone is an UNDERSTATEMENT!! we suffer not only the abuse of struggling to figure it out along the way (b better, do better, pls better losing a part of ourselves to it) but also r taking on the pain & shame of the unknown they dump on US-STUPID really on their part because like Sam Vaknid (READ PLS!! Malignant Self Love) WE HAVE THE POWER TO GET OUT OF THE WEB-they r in it for LIFE. they r tortured souls & THEY KNOW IT!!! no matter how they make it appear they can NEVER B WHOLE. ALL of us were precious beings when we came into this world. WHY some of us Live & Thrive and WHY some become damaged beyond repair only God knows. Its the only thing that has brought some kind of Peace to my soul (the one my “husband” so dedperately triedto take & live thru because he has not one of his own. But unfortunately it is no longer available to him. Everday is like the movie Ground Hogs Day-a repeat of the day before like nothing ever transpired to change it (magical thinking). But everday does change for me!! That is what matters now. I am determined to stay until MY LIFE & SUCCESS r in order-it is a loooong, painful journey-but for every action there is an opposite and EQUAL reaction. I can only imagine what my future looks like, but if the heights of Joy r equal to the Depth of Sorrows THE BEST IS YET TO COME. GODS BLESSINGS TO ALL WHO HAVE BEEN TO THE DEPTHS
So true, these people know they are tortured souls, they hate themselves, they fail at everything they do and they will never ever be whole. Their only cope out is to blame others for their misery, give as little as possible while taking as much as they can and dish out as much misery as they can to their spouse. This is the cycle they live.
They despise the fact the the partner is nothing like them and the more they try to confuse and justify their outrage the more clear the spouse see the situation and how outrageous their behavior is. This people live in their own internal hell and there is nothing that will get them out of there, if you are not strong and careful, they will take you with them to that never ending struggle. The more you try to help them the nastier they get.
Don’t know that I can do this much longer, these people are damaged and damaged to the point of no return. The are manipulative and act out differently with others, at home they are raving maniacs.
The one thing I know is that the planning the more effort they put in destroying the spouses life the less successful they are at it. This is like a war between good and evil. Good always win they end up self destructing themselves.
Such a terrible situation for the sane spouse!
I wonder how you’re doing now..
How has your journey been?
My sister has always hated me. she is my identical twin but used to physically bash me ever since I can remember. She used to demand I cut my hair short from the age of about 7 or eight so she could be the one with the long hair. To this day she thinks she has it over me and when I am in a relationship will say things like “He only wants you to get to me” or will phone my boyfriend for extended periods and if I ask if I was mentioned she will yell “It’s not all about you! I am going to be there for him!” Her favourite line is that “Its not all about me!” A bit strange when she has never once considered my feelings in the slightest through all of the physical abuse and emotional bullying I have endured since I can remember. When I try to talk or confront her about it she says I am abusing her and she starts to cry and yell at me. The other night she came flying at me to bash me and I just sat there and said “Go on, just bash me like you always have, just go on and do it.” She grabbed a pillow and smashed it next to me. Then looked at me as if I had just destroyed her and how could I be so cruel. I am now done. The emotional drain is just way to much and the underlying fear I carry around with me about when she will next attack and either turn people against me or try it on with my boyfriend is just too much to bear. It makes me sick to even think about her now. I used to be there for her through thick and thin and I can’t believe I did it. All because people used to say that she was jealous of me and poor her. Umm, no. That is just so not fair to me. I am so sick of taking on the responsibility of her mental problems in any way shape or form. Ok if she is jealous, then maybe talking or maybe an open argument could ensue, but the attempts at stealing my boyfriends, friends and constant put downs are not ok! Jealouy is not an ok excuse for putting me in a state of constant alert and fear. It is so confusing because one minute it will be like she is jealous, the next as if she thinks and truly with all her (heart) that I am dirt and she is so superior I may not even exist! This is where my head gets confused. This is where I start to think I am crazy for not getting it. This is where it becomes obvious she is a narcissist. They don’t make sense and trying to make sense of it makes a normal person crazy! That’s what they love.
Hey Bb,
I have a narcissistic sister as well. A whole life of abuse from get has left me mentally and physically ruined. And it seems that sister abuse is so rare.
Can we please talk? I can email you. My email is nisha8989@gmail.com. I hope to hear from you:)
I recently had to confront a former friend for taking advantage of my mom & basically stealing items worth thousands of dollars by not returning them & also returning to the scene of the crime after we had a natural disaster and lost the first floor of our home. She took things to “help clean & repair them” but returned a bag of things that were not ours & not valuable so she only helped herself. Anyway, even though I explained the issue calmly & without judgement, she flipped out on me & is talking all about me all over the place now as though she is the victim of someone who used HER. My family was very generous with her for many years. I resent her attacks not so much for myself- I know its all not true, but I am an advocate for patients like myself with rare diseases, as well as work on a number of other causes, and I deeply resent her undermining my efforts to give a voice to the voiceless with her false attacks.
Hello everyone, I met this 45 yr old man 2 years ago when I was living in NE & he was in WI. We met on match.com & chatted regularly until 2 weeks went by & he was proffessing his love to me, sending me gifts and calling me all the time. Yes the red flags came up suddenly but I had never had dealings with a man that was a Narc so I went with it to see how far it would go. To make a long 4 months short, he sent me $5000 to come to WI and be near him as I didn’t feel right living with him. Things were great having my own place and being 3 towns away. Then after a year went by my 4 sons & I moved in with him, that’s when all hell broke loose and I saw him for who he really was-evil. He controlled us, wanted us to live the way he said and started blaming me for everything. He constantly put me down behind my back to his family & friends. Then I had a chance to talk to his ex wife & found out about all the lies he had told me of his past. He continually lies about every little thing now & twists my words around when I try to tell people about how he is. I am seeking therapy as he has stolen my sanity, my character and all the good I used to be. I am making plans to get out of his reach & put an end to what I thought was a happy ending living with him. People like him get their energy, life blood off of innocent women like me. He has turned my sons against me saying I am the reason why this relationship never turns out good. The constant threats to kick me out if I don’t do what he wants has taken a toll on my sleeplessness, the reason why I can’t eat and more importantly how to get my kids away from him. If anyone out there encounters this type of person & the red flags are there, I encourage you to RUN not walk away from this person. They will shower you with gifts & money in the beginning only to set their trap for you in the end. I am glad to be telling my story.
Online dating sites are the N’s playground. They thrive there.
Well said, RUN NOT WALK away from these crazy folks when you first realize, I am so frustrated that I am trapped with mine now cause of 2 kids, I told him tonight, “the fact the 2 kids came out of my birth canal does not mean I have to stay in a relationship with you!”, we are not in the 1930’s and he needs to get out. he won’t leave my home. even when I asked when he had a 70hr a week job and plenty of money, i said, “i don’t want anything from you, take your money and go.” visitation, fine, just get the hell away from me. I have even offered to set him up in his own apartment. He is gonna ruin our kids, I gotta keep my sanity so i don’t also.
I have only just read this article and I now realise that it could have been written about my husband. He blames me fir everything and the sad thing is that our son is becoming exactly like him. I am even blamed for things when I am not actuallt in the room or the area when something goes wrong for them. They will say things like. “It’s your fault because you ………… A husband that watches the son hit his mother and then tells me to leave him alone!! My husband or son will never apologise for anything and I have now come to understand from reading this article. One more year I keep on telling myself until my son leaves home and then it will all go away because that is the time I leave.
Since attempting to reason with my narc partner over her snoring which can be so loud that me and our child can ot sleep she responded with “well it doesnt effect me, I sleep fine”, now ofcourse, she complains that I dont let her sleep as an act of revenge!, there is no reason or willingness to look for a solution and ear plugs can not defend you from the noise, no no instead on a daily bases now I apparently do not let her sleep so from more than a year of her rages and tantrums, putting me down to her whole family that I do not let her sleep as an act of revenge for trying to talk to her about snoring I counted up the hours, she on avarage has 30 hours a week more sleep than I do as I am up roughly four hours a day after she goes to bed so that I can work, most nights I will only then have maybe 2 hours sleep as a result of her snoring, result:
I have been drawn in to a petty unessaray self centered argument left having to defend myself which inevitably I will be painted as petyt and blameing, I feel alienated by having to defend myself from her anger and rages and in doing so I have gotten no where.
So if I try to defend myself from a narc I will only end up becoming a narc from hypertention and overly defensive behaviour from the daily trauma I have to endure from her random anger attacks, I see that alot of her narc behaviour is from being highly over defensive with her ego to rediculous sef centered totally unreasonable proportions.
Dont try to have a sense of humor near a narc, they wont allow it and they get angry if they see you happy or smiling.
OMG I’m having this same problem!! Not the snoring but the same problem when you bring up an issue.. and i find myself sounding like a narc in my defense but i’m really not, i do doubt myself & my own sanity from this situation but have to remind myself i know i’m not mad because i never have these problems with anyone else.. the whole thing is truly maddening.. i don’t know why i feel so sorry for him though because he truly believes his own BS, he truly belives he is the victim and others are the problem.. i just feel so bad about this disfunction, it’s heartbreaking & i’m finding it deeply depressing 🙁
that’s how mine is, if I try to be jovial with my partner, he makes me wish I had clammed up and looked sad or vacant instead. He hates it if I am happy. I have to be a total bitch to get him to realize or be civil, of course as a result of his game “i am not as bad/crazy as you”…. it kinda works, but then I am upset, but at least he stops yelling at the kids for a minute.
Can someone please post about how shattered they feel around children. This is what I’m finding the hardest. I had to get the police to remove my ex narc 3 years ago. Only discovered npd about eighteen months ago and instantly identified and had a diagnosis. Been doing no contact for 14 months but I’m still really struggling in my own head because my beautiful 9yr old daughter adores him and he is wonderful with her and it makes me doubt my mothering skills even though logically I know I’m doing well because she is flourishing. I still feel guilt. Wtf??? I spend all my spare time trying to heal. Worrying she won’t love me (he tells lies about me) I’m constantly reading stories on narc abuse websites but do not come across advice on our relationships with our children after we’ve survived the narc but they still adore their dad. Help. Anyone who sees this feel free to email me.
I feel for you, I want to leave to help my kids, 4 and 5 year old, they totally love him though, screaming and all. i worry that I will feel like you do. any updates, how is your daughter? did she continue to flourish! i hope so!
Because he is enabling their win narcism…spooning all over them. Getting their admiration, and in turn, they are learning how to manipulate and won’t let or can’t see their behavior because they are becoming just like him. I hope all these people gave found an out…I’m working on mine,
All I see is on these comments is blaming back. I understand the whole point is figuring out how to see both contributed to the problem.
It will be great to see one lady stay off the sites because now no one,not even her will have a great relationship.
Listening to their ex about the supposed flaws? Really?
N can be men or women. I see no real nurturing on here.
To the lady who had a problem with the man who had to pay child support. What is wrong with paying child support?
David, I have to ask. Are you someone with NPD and stumbled upon this site? This is a support site for ALL victims, not just women. You did a great job stating the obvious. Yes, women can have NPD. If you read all of the comments, you would’ve noticed stories about women such as Joanna and bb’s stories. I didn’t see any blaming back from these comments, just facts about NPD behaviors in various relationships. Can we say every comment here was truly about someone with NPD? No, I assume we aren’t all doctors here that can diagnose mental disorders. All I know is that I found this site helpful and for the most part, supportive.
David… Women sharing their stories with others is nurturing to us. To know we’re not alone in this. This is not bashing, this is how we share.
I was in a pretty wonderful marriage for 24 years, with a great man. Normally I would agree with you. In a normal relationship, there’s almost always two sides. But when you’re dealing with a Narc spouse it is very one sided and the narcissist is never to blame, ever!!! The spouse who has to deal with the Narc…their contribution to the problem is, if they don’t agree and go along with the Narc at almost all times than they (the partner) are the problem. We are supposed to clean up their messes and be happy to do it. They like to keep us in the cycle so it is always about them. If I don’t respond at all to one of his poor behaviors or his pushing of my buttons, and boy, do they love to push buttons, then he ‘doesn’t like my reaction’, even when there was no reaction or response, You are very emotional he says… No, what he doesn’t like is that I have feeling, any feeling about his behavior. If I react or respond then it’s my fault. He says I must like the drama, because I have a voice and speak up when he’s doing something messed up. We went (us as a couple, our children & step-children) to three different therapists, he got in trouble for hurting one of his daughters while we were going to therapy sessions, and then of course therapy was no longer valid or good because the doctors all came to the same conclusion…that my Narc spouse was the problem, as a father and a husband. We once actually left therapy & he asked me “Why is it always all about me?” It was kind of a funny statement, considering they always want it to be about them, except when it’s time to take responsibility. I asked him, “Do I ever give you reason to be upset with me, or hurt you for any reason?” his reply was “No, but you failed me as a wife because you don’t let me do what I want all the time” that and the fact that I don’t let him get away with his poor behavior. Ahhh…An actual honest moment, We were out one time and I told him I wanted something, and he looked at me and said “Why, because that’s what you want?” And my reply was “Yes, actually I do want things my way once in a while.” My husband just told me he wants to be lazy and have it easy in our marriage…He actually had another honest moment with me, imagine that, two times in six months. See, they are actually capable of being honest!!! (I laughed and I laughed, and said he better come up with something better than that) as I’m packing my bags and have since moved out. Does that sound two-sided to you? I was even blamed for the loss of his fortune…years before I met him. He’d squandered and had stolen from him. Even though he’s used up most of my money to pay the support for his ex-wife. I sold him a bill of goods he says, even though he was the one who cheated and was addicted to drugs. He actually insisted we buy his ex-wife a gift, on our honeymoon!!!! blah, blah, you get the point, blah blah. The list is endless. And of course his ex-wife was to blame for the entire failure of their marriage, it was all her he decided…only her!!! I’m getting out before I lose my sanity. The doctors all warned me and begged me to get out, they were afraid I would lose myself. 4 years, Enough is Enough!!! Thank God I’m strong and have a good sense of self to know that I will be just fine, but he never will be.
yes this sounds like a narc, lol
OMG, my husband is a narcissist. I never realised until I read your posts. He blames me for everything. His laptop not working, someone not calling him back, (today) he lost his credit card ….. All my doing supposedly. He belittles me I front of our son and this is what upsets me most.
Why do I put up with it? We’ll firstly, I went for help only to be told it was my fault. Apparently because I “chose” to stay with him it was all my fault and I was therefore abusing my child. Can you believe it? It’s true, I swear.
So I’m now trapped between staying with a narcissist or losing my child to the care system!
Hello, Everyone.. It’s Kay.
I wanted to share an update with all of you — I decided to stay with this narcissist. ( WHY? I’m not sure… Part of me feels sorry for him … the other part hangs on to hope that he’ll change.. Maybe I’m just codependent.)
He retired in May 2014 and moved to Texas to do contract work. He’s been gone 6 wks and will return this week. Did I miss him? Not really. Didn’t miss the drama – the chaos – the blaming – the crazy making – the fake flattery to get what he wants – the mean/sweet cycle… Now he tells me he may have the chance to go back to Texas and says he has to consider me in his decision. Here’s where I roll my eyeballs. Anyone who is with a narcissist knows they value MONEY over anything/anybody. The same guy who said I mattered when he made his decision to move again… is the same guy who said in the same breath.. ” Well, if they offer me enough of money, I’m going.” What happened to the discussion?? Do you see how they operate? All flim flam bs.
He’d already made up his mind = like with ALL his other decisions .. and his idea of discussing it with me is to CONVINCE me to agree with him. He bought a 50K motorhome without my approval. Spends thousands on an expensive hobby on a whim.. Has run up credit card debt AGAIN after I begged him NOT to get a card.. ignored my birthday.. AGAIN… and my final rant…
I had to go in for surgery 2 wks before he left for Texas. Mr Big Spender sent me flowers via the internet. You know what he said to me?? ” Next time I buy your flowers at the grocery store — I don’t have to pay internet charges!!”
THANKS! When he called a week later — I was having a bad day… and what does he say?? MR. SUPPORTIVE Says… ” Oh, get off the pity pot.. For the last 6 wks since I’ve been gone.. all you’ve done is SCREAM AT ME..”
REALLY?? I have been out of work 6 wks … living off MY savings.. and my
husband who makes 2-3K a week…. offered NO help to me at all.
NONE. He doesn’t even care if I have something to eat – let alone how I’m going to pay my bills. It’s all about the MONEY. I get NONE and it hurts me that when he can SEE I am struggling…. it makes no difference. As long as he’s in control – calling the shots = getting what he wants….. that’s all that matters.
Yes. We are crazy.. They MAKE US crazy…… As I said before – it takes a very strong person to keep their sanity and be in the presence of a disordered narcissist.
Why do I stay? I wish I had an answer..
You asked why do you stay.
Daniel Goleman, psychologist, could predict with amazing accuracy if a relationship would succeed or fail.
The formula is 5 positives to 1 negative.
What that mean is that in a successful relationship the two people have that kind of balance overall.
Maybe he is cheap (-) but he is great at 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) +++++
Each relationship is different and each person has different needs, so does he meets your needs and do you meet his needs?
Sometimes you see couples and you can’t understand how they can be compatible but using the above explanation they are if their individual needs are being met.
So that may answer your question.
I wanted speak up and let other guys/men know that sometimes the N is a woman and it’s the man on the rage-receiving end… it is in my case anyway.
I really appreciate everybody on this post who is reaching out to tell their stories. I only realized what was happening two weeks ago and these types of blogs are helping to set my head back on straight.
The weirdest thing is how everybody realizes that we could have written the story for all of these relationship horror stories ourselves. WTH? How is it that people all over the country/world have the same stories, use the same words, and ended up in the same situation. Really strange.
Anyway, I told my N that I am done being a “zombie” and that I’m done being “weak.” Rather than blame her, I admitted my faults in not passing the rage tests that I’ve been submitted to and that I was going to take back my confidence and my life. It felt good.
However, there is a child to consider so I’m playing my cards to close to my chest.
I’m trapped with my narc when she became preganant and revealed her behaviour, its really tough as a guy because you can stand up for yourself but at some stage or another being blamed by a screaming raging narc infront of your child for the death of your own family member, or being called a rapist, paedofile, anything that she knows is not true or hurts you, presses your buttons (in my case lying upsets me) if you respond then your always the one thats wrong, it doesnt matter if she has been doing this for 24 hours straight and for no reason other than she is unhappy about yet another aspect of her life.
Narcs are unhappy about every aspect of their lifes and it is your fault.
Being a guy and for the narc everything being about ego, she really plays on that I am a bad guy to everyone, she plays the victim out of revenge when she is confronted about her behaviuour as an act of revenge.
I dont know how to escape this situation, I’m tortured and I do not want to loose my child as I am certain she would try to take and she would say any lie to do so, I do not want to loose my child to her as I know she would cut all contact and alienate our child, she has no boundaries of what she is capable of and our child is nothing more than an object to her that she will use and pretend to care about only to manipulate appearences.
It is that she became preganant that she trapped me and on the day she found out she revealed her true colors by beating me for hours until I told her she has to get out or the police will remove her, she stopped from this but spent the next year telling her family what a b-tard I was for threatning her with police!, she won the sympathy of many people that I was bad because of this and even had me convinced I was somehow bad until I woke up from her manipulation and read articles like this one, after years I’m finding myself hypertense and more and more alienated from my true self starting to be snappy and defensive, I feel like if I dont say goodbye to my child and never see my child grow up then I will loose myself, its trapped even what ever situation is only agonising pain for me over my child and her behaviour.
If your narc partner can say anything to you, lie about anything, accuse youy of anything, scream at you anyting then try to comprehend the amount of trouble she has made socaially for you, at this stage of the situation/relationship she is pulling you down to her way of thinking instead of your positive mind and philosaphy raising her up, and as a female she has used all kinds of barriers against you, attacking you when she is preganant and then accusing you of angering a pregnant woman, pretending to be christian, she will drink but if you had one drink in six months accuse ytou of being alcaholic, if you raise your hand to defend from a punch in the face accuse you of being a wife beater.
General I am female so I can do what I want and hide behind my gender, religion physical state and your male so I can do whatever to you behaviour.
When the female is a narc, there is little or no support for the male and when a child is involved with one so bad, what are you supposed to do!.
sorry for you, my male narc is hard enough, I could see a female narc as being a much scarier prospect, in certain ways as you said, using gender roles to defend her crazy making behavior. I have kids as well and i am also worried about lies being told so i cant have my kids somehow, its what I have come to expect from viewing the dreary world through the narcs vision.
It’s crazy huh? WTH indeed…….
I am about to take my Malignant Narcissist ex to court in order for him to hand back my daughter poste haste.
There is an awful lot more going on in an abusive relationship with a Narcissist other than ‘blame’. What others fail to realise is that Narcissistic abuse is indirect, cunning and covert. It is insidious. It literally breaks you, turns you inside out and into a totally different person. And more often than not you take on THEIR persona and they take YOURS. There is also the very serious issue of mind control, manipulative and underhanded mind control. Which can lead to a pseudo personality developing and if the mind control is not undone then the victim will be wide open and ripe for the next Narcissist to get in there. These victims are the one’s that repeat the cycle and it is NOT their fault. NONE OF IT IS THEIR FAULT.
Serious, serious education on these matters is vital if their is to be a change particularly in the Family Law Court. Victims of this form of abuse usually give up their children, or leave them in care, or leave them with family. And the courts have little or NO protection for abuse that cannot be seen. In other words if you’ve not been punched then you’ve not been abused. Narcissistic Abuse is slowly becoming recognized as the most destructive and harmful form of abuse as is Emotional and Psychological control, manipulation etc.
Counselors, Social Workers, Psychotherapists etc and any Health Service out there NEED to be educated on this. Traditional therapy more often than not is counter productive and can actually worsen symptoms in the victim, simply because they are encouraged to take responsibility for ‘their part’ in the abuse by staying, ignoring gut instincts etc. They are NOT at fault and are NOT responsible for their abusers behavior!! And in the meantime the abuser is sitting pretty and has more than likely moved straight on to their next unsuspecting victim, has the family home, his won custody of the children or the victim has been manipulated into believing that they are a bad parent and has handed the children over. For a normal joe soap that has been a victim of a Narcissist to be expected to try and educate their lawyer or solicitor on this is just not good enough, most victims are too busy trying to recover themselves and undo the damage at this stage.
And at this stage for me, I am clearly the only person that is actually qualified to deal with my ex because I HAVE educated myself on his behavior by studying an internationally recognized course on Domestic Violence and researching other cases etc. It looks like I will be representing myself in court because I will be the only one there that truly understands and knows what he is.
I totally understand how you feel right now, I had at one stage lost my child for while and was left so confussed and messed up, now Im back with my child but the narc also and she is doing it all over again to me.
Being emotially needy, wating reciprocation from her is how she abused my emotions in the first instance, wating some human relationship that the narc will not give, only suffering and blame with ego arguments, more and more takes a part of you like a vampire the narc is.
Sally, nothing I have done really works and I tried alot of different tactics, try to remember who you are inside, sounds to me like you need some support, it was the one thing I didnt have when I was away from my child that I really needed.
Sally, what you have written makes the most sense to me. My Narcissist husband (trying to figure out if he is or not) seems to act “undercover” with the manipulation. I feel it in my heart and gut and there are many things he does that tell me something is not right but it is always secretly. He comes across as perfect. Sally, I would really like to hear more detail about what they do so It will help to determine if I am truly dealing with a narcissist or not. I am the one who criticizes him bc I am trying to get him to see where he is unavailable in our marriage. But I also have trust issues from my past which he uses to make me look like I am the problem. However he has lied some major lies and has never fully taken responsiblity for them. You don’t think about ex girlfriends while with your wife and tell your wife you did it for her. I want out but I don’t want out if it is something I can fix bc it is my fault. At the same time, I want out bc who I am is almost non existant now. I feel more like he use to be and I see myself in him in some ways. He has mirrored the way I had done things in order to be more positive himself it seems. I don’t know! This is bothering me so much bc I feel like the wrong/bad person while he does not seem to have anything outwardly wrong with him yet something is so very wrong. Thank you for sharing your stories above! And Sally, I hope to hear from you.
Dana i just read and an article, called am I the Narcissist? it will set you straight, its now you, you are the co dependent, the conscientious objector of the abuse he is sending your way, you are not a doormat. it’s your codependent nature that makes you think you might be the narc, and also what he is telling you. i can tell by what you are saying you likely have a Narc on your hands. there are 2 kinds, the more overt in your face sexually expoitive CEO kind and the more beta male sexually withholding wounded type.
Hi I’m desperate I’ve been with this guy for over 4 years, he has been cheating all this time. Even though I have proof he denies everything and accuses me of doing the same. I can’t even go to work because he blames me of messing around with people. Then he uses it as an excuse to Dissappear for days at a time, but even when he is gone I get texts messages accusing me of cheating when he knows there’s cameras where I am that can be check anytime. I’m at the point that I’m starting to hate him so much and at times I feel I’m gonna go crazy. I use to smile all the time, go out shopping, but not anymore. He has managed to make me so insecure. I don’t know how to get him out of my life I have asked him thousands of times but he uses things I have said to make me feel guilty, like once I told him I believe you don’t give up on the people u love. Well he uses that to call me a lier. It’s a nightmare . And this is not even a fraction of what he has done to me…
Do what I did call the police for bullying a few times he will leave worked for me
The patterns here are so amazing. Please, those of you who are wondering how to escape–remember this great quote: “A N is someone who wants you to give up everything to be their nothing.”
I was quite recovered from my divorce three years ago from a 25 year marriage (to, it seems, a more benign narcissist)….when… I met this seemingly wonderful widower, my age.
We are both profesdors—he’s a fairly well known lecturer and writer.
I assumed he had lost his wife several years ago (he seemed to confident about dating, being “available”); it turns out when we met she had been gone only five months, and, I was the third woman he had dated!
He was infatuated with me immediately (always nice for the ego), but I was a little skeptical. He would go into paroxysms of joy via texts, cards, flowers, gifts. According to him, I walked on water, was a goddess, gorgeous, amazing, etc., etc.
But he could see that although I was growing to love him–something was missing. He kept saying I looked like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He broke up with me 2.5 months into our “great love,” right before he was saying how much and how soon he wanted to marry again–and how perfect we were for each other. Oh, and he broke up via text.
“I’m confused, healing,” he wrote.
I found out later, he had returned (after breaking up with her) to woman #2, a wealthy physician who runs a large outpatient facility, had never married, drove a $125K car, etc. In the meantime, he is texting me constantly that he misses me and he is “healing”. I discovered later that all the while he was dating her, travelling internationally, etc. he was texting me–to keep me “on the line,” or the back-burner, as they call it.
Gifts, calls, lavish compliments, dinners out started to appear as he must have dumped her again and came courting.
A lot of the behavior I chalked up to grief.
I now realize–after a few break-ups and make-ups (with flowers and cards from him)–that he is the consummate narcissist. He had some family traumas–and although he has been seeing a psych since his wife was ill (according to him), he seems to have numerous unresolved issues.
I still feel sorry for him–but I would never “date” him again.
His deceased wife put up with all of this–I found out from friends of his, that she gave up her career to promote his and write his books. She had numerous plastic surgeries to try to conform to his every changing ideal.
When he wanted me, he would come on like gangbusters, even scheduling talks on my campus.
He insisted on control at all times. He began to forbid me to work out after 5pm at my exclusive health club, claiming it was “unsafe”. He conconcted “tests,” elaborate scenarios bound to fail. He called me “stupid,” a “liar,” and a few other things–during a fight he concocted when we attended a family event. I have also published a number of books, hundreds of articles, and been a university professor for over 20 years. The last thing I am is stupid. But I was vulnerable to the initial “love” and attention. Realizing how awful he could be when he was his “real” self, I just said that he should let me go. I began to weep; he became excited and calmed down. This seemed to activate him–the pain he had inflicted upon me. The more I pulled away, the more he wanted me. When I would return his affections, growing closer, and enjoying the relationship–he would fabricate some test I had failed, become enraged, and break up with me.
I wanted to share one of our last conversations before our last (and final) break-up.
I really thought he was just still grieving; we had many lovely times together (until the rages and criticism took over). Don’t feel foolish if you have fallen in love with one of these people–they can be very exciting and charming when they want to. You might even find others boring, compared to the edgy N-types.
He wanted to know if/when we got married (of course, he said he would propose soon) how I felt about “putting everything in one pot”. That clued me in to his real motives; and reading the posts on the site, I can see that Ns are into control, power, and money.
(I have blocked his calls, texts, and e-mails. I also moved so he does not know anymore where I live. He has tried to contact me again and again. This time, he has sent messages to the university where I teach. I know he won’t dare to “stalk” me when he can find another, weaker victim.)
I wish everyone here the best–you can escape the madness. Ns are attracted to your warmth, your kindness, your vulnerability, your love. That is because they cannot feel any. Some are sociopaths; others might be very successful, popular people who still, inside are hurt, hurting, and hurtful. Not dangerous, but not whole, either.
BTW, the N I was involved with is online dating in the LA area, advertising that he wants to get married and find the “ONE”. Beware.
I learned from my psychologist friend that online dating sites are full of Ns.
One last note–he told me early on in our relationship (and I sort of didn’t think about it again until the end) that HE was always the one to break up with women over the years. That should have been my cue to leave.
And finally, I discovered how his wife died (he said from cancer)–she took her own life. That was her exit from years of his madness.
OMG, his wife’s fate is my concern for myself, this man won’t leave. i have cried out to god to deliver me from this man the way I have never asked for anything before, It still seems like it will take some kind of supernatural situation. I own my house, he has no money and never does (he cant keep a job cause of his peachy, “i am the only one working” attitude and he is terrible with money.) I run my business from my house, my kids have school and a home here, I cannot leave. he cannot keep me hostage in my own house can he?
Omg I thought I was the only one married to this kind of monster. We have been married 26 1/2 years and I really thought I was the only one. This opened my eyes wide and have a greater understanding of what is going on. Still don’t make the rage days any better. He doesn’t do it as much as he use to but when he does he is sooooo mean. I know what he says to me is not correct but it still hurts when he is saying it. There is no violence thank god just he yells. For a few hours and mad for a week or so. Now I know he can’t really control it. Puts a new light on what I think.
This series of articles describes my father perfectly. I wish I had gotten out sooner. Before knowing about this pathology of his, I was trying to reconcile with him on my mother’s wishes. And I was staying at my old home for a while to save money while studying (I did pay rent so I wasn’t excatly mooching off of my parents). This cost me literal brain damage.
He negligently dropped a metal plank on my head and then, a week later, while I was at the worst stage of my now ongoing post-concussion syndrome (my doctor gives it half a year (!) for me to recover, but who knows if I’ll ever be the same again), assaulted me, told me it was my fault for being a klutz and not jumping aside quickly enough, and then kicked me out.
The ensuing concussion caused depression almost made me suicide (the fact that I was always a very brainy person (winning science competitions, etc.) and suddenly I couldn’t think well might have played a part in that too).
Now he’s been lying about me, still trying to maintain his sainthood. My mom seems sad and torn. She’s been no longer trying to get me to reconcile with him, she’s been very supportive of me (been bringing me food and meds), but she’s still at his side. I told her he’s hated me since puberty for not following in his career footsteps and that she’d been blind to that (he likes to project that he has “the perfect family”). She doesn’t believe that and I guess she’s also most likely unaware that he’s been cheating on her (I didn’t know either, my sisters told me after I left and they think she doesn’t know).
I hate to break my mother’s heart for not being willing to forgive him this time but I think it’s best that I stay as far from him as possible. I hope, for her sake, that he at least stop his affair if it’s still going on, as I don’t want my mom to get hurt too. I don’t trust him, though, and never will.
Hi
This article has made me realise that my mother is an N. My dad used to argue back but he has given up , he suffers from depression and has been an alcoholic. I was an amazing daughter for 50 years but recently some stupid incident happened and something in my brain said enough is enough. It’s time to protect myself and if the family don’t approve that is not my problem. You have to have a bottom line to protect yourself..your mum is an adult and chooses to stay in her situation. You have to choose your’s based on what is the best thing for you, and if your mum really loves you than she will know that your separation from your dad is self preservation. You sound like a kind loving person and you mustn’t let anyone destroy that. You owe it to yourself.Your parents have had their life you must have yours. i remember reading that during our childhood parents pile a whole load of rocks in our backpack that we carry around as adults…you have to unpack those rocks.
You can’t control others but you can control how you react to them. If you feel you are not ready to make a complete separation then maybe write to your dad and briefly tell him the behaviour that you no longer will tolerate and what the consequence will be..i.e that you will have no longer have contact with him. That is your bottom line but you must mean it and be prepared to stick by it. He will probably trivialise your letter but at least you have given him the decision.
“if you don’t like your life…MOVE…you are not a tree.”
Good luck!
Hi,
I appreciate the response, and I understand how you feel. I’ve tolerated lies, hypocrisy, betrayals of trust, and punishments for breaking my father’s ego (which was so fragile, you wouldn’t even know when you did that). We’re all wired to try to have a good relationship with our parents. Some even enforce that wiring by indoctrinating us in a faith that makes it a God’s command to honor them, regardless of how abusive they may be (forget about this part if you’re a Christian; I just don’t happen to believe in the Bible anymore). But there’ is a tipping point, and I wish it had been something less for me than getting a suicidal-depression causing MTBI and getting assaulted for it and getting it blamed on me, because Mr. Perfect gets extremely angry with himself if a thought comes to his mind that he might have messed something up.
I have moved out of course. And even though my life isn’t perfect (continuing headaches and some minor cognitive issues even after 8 months since the scaffolding incident), it’s a thousand times better just because I’m not around my father anymore. I wish I had done that sooner. Saving a couple of bucks wasn’t worth it in the long run (hell, I paid him rent and had to do chores after all so the savings weren’t that big). Life’s too short to spend it around people who hate you for stupid reasons like you not wanting to be exactly like them, and it doesn’t matter if that person is your mother or father.
Hi everyone. I have just discovered this site this evening. I am sooooo very grateful for everything in any context that anyone has posted. From the sexual side to habits, criticism, control, break ups etc. ALL OF IT IS SO VERY VALID AND HELPFUL as I sit here on my computer with my partner ignoring me, watching the television, subjecting me to yet another session of “detachment”. I have known my partner for a year nearly. Met him on a dating website. First time I had ever used one. Paid a lot of money as I’m a professional and time was short and I wanted somebody on my wavelength, both intellectually and emotionally. Eureeka!!! (or so I thought). I found him. I’m in England and a Horticulturalist. He is in the Horseracing industry (ex jockey). I fell in love and so (he tells me) did he, from the moment we met. Within 4 months I had left my home of 20 years (where I brought up my son on my own), moved in with him and left my son to find his own accommodation with my funding. My son and I had always been so very close but finally I felt the time was right. He had his job, security and was able to provide for himself. So, I moved. WRONG MOVE……..To date I have experienced the most wonderful, romantic, loving, fantastic man morphing into a critical, controlling, violent, lying, unfaithful man that I have ever had the misfortune to meet. Oh, but how I think that I love him. As I sit here now (with him ignoring me) I want him to turn to me and speak. Tell me how sorry he is. Tell me how much he still loves me. God, it’s not going to happen. Sorry, I diversify. I left here in August after he was arrested for assaulting me. I didn’t press charges. I went and stayed with a friend back in my home county. I had no job. No income and was soooo depressed. Everyone kept telling me to hold on in there. Things would get better. He kept mailing me. Texting and phoning me. I held out for so long but then got sucked back in. I wanted him soooooo much. I wanted him to love me in the same manner that I loved him. He told me he would come and get me. “Rescue me”. Cosset me and let me recover. He said he would be more tactile, caring and sensitive. What did I do? I left and went back. I went against the advice of my friend that I had known since I was 14. (I am now 48)! 2 months down the line and he is back to normal. Everything is my fault, everything, shopping, traffic, directions, finances, stress. Sex???? Great sex. However, he is a liar. He still trawls sites, does the “Have an Affair” sites, stays in contact with ex girlfriends. Even when I left he said all he could thing about was me and how much he needed us and then I have found out that he invited women round here in my absence, met up with others and even picked a work colleague up when he was away on business from the train at a seminar. He booked them a table at the restaurant (I’ve seen the texts) and told me that he went to pick up a MALE from the train. Now that I have been on this site I am so thankful and so much more informed. THANK YOU THANK YOU. I’m not going nuts!!! I’ve lost so much confidence it’s untrue. I now have my enemy very close as they say. I am well informed and there is nothing as dangerous as a female “who is well informed”. My plan now is to get myself some decent full time employment. (He made me leave my new job when I moved in with him because he said that he was not seeing enough of me)!!!! I left, and then it is my fault because there is not enough money coming in to furnish his committments. These are commitments to property and rental that he had before he met me!!! Commitments that since his last partner left he cannot fulfull. So, getting back to the point, I will get myself a full time job back in my home county. Start building some bridges that I have destroyed with friends (but fortunately not family) and try to make some sense of how much I will miss this man (yet again) or more importantly “what I thought this man was”. I am sooooo very sad. God, it could have been so very good if that illusion had of been real. Thanks girls. Keep it up! XXX
Wow reading these stories of narcs are like reading a biography of my “marriage ” alway being blamed for everything , sex was amazing until detachment sessions , always disappearing now admitting that he has been using drugs for the last 8 years and admitted the the reason he stole was to survive. I finally kicked him out and am filing for divorce before the end of December. I have had enough . I pray all of us will recover from these Narcs and marry the spouse that will reciprocate our love. God bless us all and heal our broken hearts
My ex |(for the almost 25th time) blamed me for everything. Right to when he said he was going to end up in the hospital because of me and said I said we were over, stop trying to apologize and you are giving me so much stress are you not going to be happy until you give me a heart attack? That was like a slap in the face, here I was apologizing over and over again for what I did not even know trying to understand why I was given the silent treatment and then the ultimate kick to the curb yet again and now I was responsible for his anxiety, lack of sleep and now trying to give him a heart attack? And that was only three of the things I was blamed for. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I am shy, withdrawn and feel worthless because of him and all I did was try and try, if I was a little more attentive, prettier and never would I ever be good enough for him. It hurts so so much and he just moves on in the blink of an eye, and I am certain probably even before he ditched me.
can they go into a state where one second they are great and the next make up something you did that you didnt. example. he will tell me i took something of his, like money. we live together, i have no reason to take money. we and i even have my own, and then he will yell at me and blame me for days, tell me when i admit it then we can be ok.. but i didnt take anything. he with withold love, and try to make me look likke im crazy and i need therapy. when all i am trying to do is make him happy. i dont know how to even react anymore.
like do they do this? why do they make things up?
I think they do it to make us feel like we’re crazy and it makes them feel good to put the blame on us. I left my ex narcissist boyfriend 2weeks ago with no warning we had been in a relationship for about 5yrs,I couldn’t take one more second of his rages, downgrading opinions of me, emotional,verbal,and mental abuse.. I pray for all of us who have suffered this pain, but also thankful God allowed me to finally see that the problem is within him not me. I have chosen the No Contact Rule it hasn’t been easy some days but time heals all wounds I have to focus on getting me together and love myself more and to find peace and happiness within myself the way I used to be before I met him. This website has made me stronger and is helping me heal and keep moving forward and I pray the same for everyone on this site who is struggling to stay sane and empowered keep in touch God Bless talk to you real soon
Antoinette,
No Contact can be extremely hard to do, but I promise you, it’s the best thing you will ever do to start healing.
When I first left my ex (after 13 years of pure hell), I went low-contact meaning I did not contact him other than financial issues but did not block him from contacting me about ANYTHING. I think on some level we get addicted and used to the constant texts, calls, middle of the night voicemails, etc and basically get addicted to the “suffering”.
Even though I knew I was never going back …this time for sure (after a particularly severe beating), I continued to anticipate those crazy texts, voicemails, etc. A very dear and wise friend commented that it seemed I needed to keep “pulling the scab off a wound that needed to heal” for whatever reason. WHOA!! I told her it gave me comfort hearing his tearful and apologetic words… (all a bunch of crap as I now know)!
It took a couple of weeks after that to finally EMPOWER myself and realize low-contact was truly not helping ME in anyway. The scab over the wound was just that. No healing or at least a much longer time to heal. I went NO CONTACT and after a few weeks (some of them very hard days) realized I was getting some much needed healing done. The panic attacks went away, the need for antidepressants went away, and actually, a bit of laughter started coming from my heart and soul.
I hope you are still in NO CONTACT (if you slip, just dust yourself off and start no contact again). It really is an amazing thing to wake up one day and realize the “old you”, the you that you used to be, is coming back to life!
I also encourage you to keep reading these stories and posts. We’ve all been through it and know exactly what you are going through! We can empathize (of course!) with you!
I have an issue with a church minister who has NPD, I left his church for another apparently he is angered over some woman he wanted her to marry me for her money, he uses some form of email or media to constantly attack me. I am not connected to him any shape or form, but after a CD audio was embedded to ask for forgiveness from the Pastor, I decided to email the person conducting this audio that had several discussions, and replied about this person NPD explained everything, and said I am not to blame to what I gathered his word probably a fantasy world to begin with, and had an abusive father ( Deceased?) I also believe he is another world.
Hi everyone, my first time here. I’ve been with my husband for 28 years. I’ve seen, heard, and lived everything described here in your posts. I wore myself out a million times over trying to figure him out. Finally, finally, now I know. The more I read the more sick I feel. I lost my job one year ago. Trying to find a new job but minimum wage won’t get me out of this house. I am in financial ruins because of him.
The hardest thing i have EVER done is staying strong just to keep my sanity. I am broken and beyond exhausted. I’ve reached out to several local womens shelters. No one seems to be concerned since i am not being physically harmed. No one understands.
The little things are the worst because they don’t matter! The most real problem is nit-picking and the need to put the other person on the defensive, to have the satisfaction of the fight that makes you both feel miserable. If the most real problem is looking to bicker, then there can be no real fights about real things. My husband hated my smoking, and I was good about compromising in every way possible. I decided to quit for my own reasons. We never had a fight about my smoking because it was REAL. Fights are for a good cause. You fight cancer and win. You fight the damaging behaviors to win. The bickering is not a fight. It’s a mechanism of some sort, by the person who starts it. If you are bickering you can be sure what it’s about is not important. If you’ve proved to be a satisfying person to bicker with or if that person has simply developed the habit of YOU being the one to bicker with than you will be the one again. It’s nothing you’re doing. You know what your real problems are! Isn’t it nice that you are never confronted about them? And that they let you get by with lots of other things to bicker about Dumb Shit.
Well, it’s a decision, if you want to deal with the real issues or not. For me, I personally feel, it is only a matter of a critical mass, where it gets so life is unlivable (for me) because the bickering not only takes too much time and energy but it is too pervasive, puncturing and taking the happiness out of everything that is right. Everything that is good and well that gets ruined by the need “to start in”.
I think that the real solution is not necessarily some magical panacea. Instead it is just the confidence and clarity of really seeing to the point where you no longer buy in. That takes the wind out of the sails. From there you can decide if you want to go the long haul or not. It’s your life. It’s already fixed however once you manage to establish that there’s a problem. All you have to do is establish it for yourself, and you don’t need the compliance of the other person. Just don’t keep going along.
If someone puts a guilt trip on you that is false, you would not go along. Why do we let this happen in our primary relationship? That we are constantly going along with a charade? They make it seem so real. It’s not however. It’s a hallucination that we are going along for because “we think the other person can’t see”. What if we just treat them like anyone else who is hallucinating? We think they have power to hurt us if they believe in the Tooth Fairy of how serious our “offenses” are. It is an emotional hook. If we really, really see how ridiculous it is, it is hard to get hooked in anymore.
It is hard to spend the night crying and bickering any more. As for me, I have just been unsuccessful in “getting” my husband to admit that our pattern is about bickering. I have told him, that he is a wonderful man, and that maybe his only issue is this. That we otherwise have a wonderful marriage (we do), that we have had such wonderful times together. That we had a great day together too. And still he insists on treating me like we are having a severe problem that I might live to regret because I told him that if he brings too many pantry items into the house, that we’ll have too many and eventually, they might get wasted. I ruined the day by bringing that up. We have a really big issue and I’m in the dog house. And the thing is that even though he is still on that wavelength, the fact that I am not makes me feel better. I was “unsuccessful” with him, but I was successful with myself and that’s the true success! The fact that he tried so hard to start up in other areas, picking on this and that and I did not take the bait, makes me feel more relaxed. And that’s why I feel like it is the solution.
It is what it is. Not all narcissists are abusers. Mine is not. He’s basically a compulsive conflict creator and drama starter. He is good in other ways! That is also a comfort to know. It is a bubble that has to be busted. It’s not that complicated at all. Can you get him or her to go to counseling? Maybe not! But you can release yourself of the pattern, and it doesn’t mean you will even break up. You might. Life will go on. But it is hard to get upset anymore when in truth there has been no real issue, no real fight. Just a crabby old man that you are trying to love underneath it all, if he would ever let you.
Thanks for a great article and great comments. Peace and blessings to all who are fighting this. That is the good fight. It is worthwhile. We deserve peace of mind and sanity. We are just people who want to love other people. And we want to love well. Nothing wrong with that.
My mate and I went to counseling a lot of years ago. I thought it would help but it totally backfired. The counselor, a woman, talked to us separately. My narcissistic mate laid such a line of BS on her that she ended up hitting on him! That was the end of the whole counseling idea.
I was recently divorced and my ex started dating a N…they have since broken up and she (the N) blames me for that. She thinks it is all my fault and is out for me. Is this something I should be concerned about. She was my friend at one time but split up my marriage. So we did have words when they broke up and she has called many family members saying stuff about me. My ex and I are trying to stay friends which makes her very angry. She says to overs basically how great she is and how cruel I am for breaking them up. I usually try to avoid her if possible but I will not change my life to avoid her but am wondering from people who have been in a relationship with a N if I should be concerned about what extent of an attack to prepare for. Or can I prepare at all? Thanks
We were in couples therapy (big mistake since the male therapist did nothing but comfort him; it was like I wasn’t even in the room for the two of them) My partner had thrown me across the floor and when I stood up threw me into another room and I forgave him!!! Next session the therapist cooed to him that he must be so upset! Meanwhile I’m covered in bruises, big ones. Therapist had me invent a way he could make amends: he had to give me a penny each time we met. He did so; I kept them with a journal and at the end of the year gave him the journal. He promised never to hurt me again. I warned him that I would call the police if he ever did it again. When he pushed me down, I called the police. In this state the legal machine clicks on: he was arrested, spent the night in jail was arraigned the next day. I got a lawyer he got another one; my partner screamed at me that I was calling in the “thugs”; I “violated the coupleship by going outside the couple boundaries”. After I paid half his legal fees and all of mine; made statement to the DA re how this was ruining me (because it was public) I saved him from jail time and from having parole. At the very end upon request he acknowledged that I had done this but never really thanked me. After the whole event, he banned me from his friends, his family, his /our activities and traditions. I went through it like a fool. I cannot believe what a stupid, shamed chump I was!! It was that he was “traumatized by the thugs”. It was my fault that he threw me around. I should not have called the police. Three years later, after saying that he loves me, that we’re getting alone better than ever, we’re resolving our issues quickly and quietly, he can tell that I love him “for me/him more than ever” he baited me to have an argument , which I did not do. He later told me it was to give him reason to break up w me. When I finally no longer reacted to ping pong, he made a date with another woman and told me “to be fair to you”. I was disgusted more than angry. Since I wasn’t fighting he told me that he was tense all the time around me, he just couldn’t take it anymore, and it was exhausting him. He dumped me like a hot potato for another woman who has more material things to give; hence I know that he won’t be back. At least I don’t have to deal with a return! I just have to get over being the shameful fool that I was
Hi it’s my first time here I am an Asian. I am 33 years old. I think I marry a narcissist person. He always blaming me for everything. Blaming me for being pregnant and because of that I ruin his life. He always saying that I have to take responsibility for everything because i ruin his life and feels that I did not take any responsibility for that. He wanted me to work hard, find job abroad and i have to obey him so that his life will be fine. He doesn’t want me to complain, if i do that, I have to leave the house. He always telling me that if I didn’t accept him for who he is, much more he will never accept me for who I am and If I did not do anything to make his life better, we have to go separate lives. I have 2 kids now and sometimes my kids see us arguing. I feel weak, I feel tired. I don’t know what to do. Anyone please help me. Thank you.
Hi Ellaine,
I’m sorry your going through this. No one deserves to be abused. Be strong and focus on your kids and safety. Educating about narc had been very helpful for me and it’s true, not your fault. Narcs are wired the same. All about power and control. Stay strong, don’t be afraid to cry, just be careful who you talk to because some do not understand and they might make you feel worst. Be strong !!!!!
OMG this describes my mother.
So much makes sense now.
So long as I behaved according to her world view everything was great but now after 50 years I have told her not to criticise me and she is fuming.
To the point that she is trying to get at me through her relationship with my 18 year old daughter, by ignoring her and then sending her emails that should be really addressed to me.
Life is hard enough without having your nearest and dearest pulling you down.
You need to surround yourself with “quality’ people – those people who enrich your life, understand your ups and downs and when you are together the world is a better place..if you don’t have those people yet in your life..enjoy your own company and get a pet…many people prefer animals to humans…they don’t judge just love.
Would overly mothering and lecturing constantly be any trait of this disorder or character trait(s?)
My ex girlfriend was SUPER motherly constantly. No kids of her own.
M Husband is a Narc- I left last year after 102 years of abuse and 16 years of marriage. Gonna make this as short as possible he has a daughter that does not like me and she told him that I am the one that does not like her and his mother and some of his family never liked me from the beginning when I asked them why the response was thats not true he said it was because he always did everything for them financially and now that he was with me it would stop It never did actually it got worse he never has money and works 16 hour days for 5 and sometimes 7 – I was disregarded and if I ever needed anything his response was why– you work . He became a loan shark at his job to the guys that needed money – We had a situation in May where he threw me to the floor after an argument about his light bill and they turned off the lights and for some reason it was my fault although I moved out in December then the house payment was due and he had not paid in 4 months and was getting tossed out and that was my fault- and told me that he did not throw mw to the floor i bumped into him and thats how it happened fractured shoulder form a bump WHATTTT meanwhile he moved his daughter in with 2 children and want me to pay the living expenses and I became the B of the world . he brought me a car for our anniversary 2 years prior and when I left he ask for the car back and i gave it to him and he had his daughter driving it while he caught rides to work from buddies – soon after they repo that and he told the guys at his job that I was the becasue of me and told his family that he just got rid of it that would explain this- My son had an older car that I had just sitting he asked if he could use and I said yes but you will have to insure — so moving on to july we start up to re kindle at least i thought and find out in april one night having a disagreement that he has plans and he will not consider me in anything he does his words are because when he does he loose everything – like the house – car lights etc. In my mind Im thinking really is that what its all about things – how about sanity -morals and respect dont think they even have that. He says the meanest things and afterwards go to sleep then the next morning calls to tell me that we are going to talk about last night the next day WHATTTTTTTT . Something does not work in their brains or something- I told him I want him out and loose my number and forget my name all of them – His daughter had a baby while he was out of town I simply asked did you get to see them yet he says NO the next morning the grandmother /fathers mom/ informs me that he is so rude busting up in hospital not speaking Im like WHO becasue according to him he did not go and was going the next night remembering what he said . When confronted he said who told you that and yeah i went but i did not see anyone WOW WHATTTTTTTT and throught out the last ten years thats the responses I have for all his rants and temper tandums. Im tired of being used and thinking he will change I have come to the realization that this will never happen and i need peace and happiness Life has so much more to offer than being lied to- not taken care of properly and having to deal with a family of people that are envious of you for no reason therefore leaving him to choose and he choose whatever they say. BYE BYE Mr N
WOW, all I can say is wow (stunned). I consider myself a fairly smart person – lawyer, CEO of public companies, and have been in a “relationship” for more than 10 years with my married business partner, whom is married to a narcissist. In the beginning, my partner was perfect, beautiful, caring, brilliant, compassionate – or so I thought. A few years later, she moved out of state with her husband, whom she claimed beat her, emotionally abused her (I later found proof he threatened to kill her with a gun), yet anytime I stepped up, wanting to go to the police, helping her with a divorce/annulment, she backed away, claiming she was afraid. However, all this time, I provided her emotional and financial support (her husband didn’t have a steady job). After she moved, she still expected all of the benefits of my surrogate husbandry, yet didn’t lift a finger to see me. Its like it changed overnight – sure I was upset she left, but she never explained why she would move to another state with a man that has put her in the hospital. Well 6 years later, and after reading this article, it should have been obvious to me that she herself is a narcissist. She kept saying things like she loved me, could;t imagine her life without me (carefully planned words on hindsight), yet continued to hurt me emotionally on numerous levels – yea, real smart guy I was. 🙁 I have been trying to end things with her now for a few months, but she keeps threatening me about tanking the business, as well as other threats. She is trying to force me to stay in business with her, while ignoring and blaming me for the failed personal relationship – and I did everything for this women – took care of her mother who suffered a stroke, emotionally was there every day for her, went to see her over 20 times over a 3 year period, but she NEVER wanted to accept any responsibility or even talk abut her mistreatment of me, from going out and not including me in our business as well as lying about other men. I KNOW – I am a fool, but an extremely heartbroken fool nonetheless. All I wanted was to understand, and she refused to talk about it – for years. So now I am 56, crushed emotionally, don’t feel good about myself for letting this happen to me, yet I set her up in this business and she is doing fine. Help…:(
My Husband is this to a T. We have three children. A Son from a previous relationship of mine, a Daughter from a previous marriage of his (which resulted in her infidelity and a divorce), and our Daughter from our currect marriage to one another.
At least once a week he tells me (in front of all our children), he is miserable because of me, he yells because of me, he is leaving because of me. My response has become a simple “OK”.
ALL our problems are my fault and today I am missing work because of one of his temper tantrums and him driving off while I take children to school, etc. I typically work a lot earlier than him.
The fight this morning was set off by a baby wipe. Him yelling GD over and over. Then telling our children hes leaving because I made him miserable and hes a shitty Dad. Apparently I said that, but do not recall it. There are holes in our walls from his rage.
He told me we were over for good this morning and a part of me just felt reliefe. We go through this once a week, but now, I am so drained, I want out. I am so exhausted trying to be perfect that I have dropped down to 105lbs. Go to bed at midnight and up by four a.m. So everything is done and he doesnt do anything.
I want out
Even though I consider myself an intelligent person, I could be a poster child for naive stupidity. I’ve been living with what is probably a narcissist (with a few other factors or personality disorders in the mix) for over 30 years. We were supposed to get married–twice–but he found reasons to back out both times.
Meanwhile we bought a house together. As a single parent with two kids and an ex-husband gone AWOL as to child support, I figured the financial security was worth putting up with a little “atypical” behavior. He also had a traveling job so I didn’t see all that much of him for a lot of years. He didn’t truly let down his hair until much later in the relationship. Now that we are together most of the time, he has gotten to be bullying and verbally abusive on a frequent basis. He has never hit me but it’s always at the back of my mind to wonder if that’s next.
Anyone reading this is probably thinking, “Hmm… Who is using whom in this relationship.” Well, that wasn’t the case at all. He was handsome, charming and fun, and I was swept off my feet, particularly after coming out of a bad marriage. I ignored the little warning signs and fell in love. I thought we would get married. I thought it would be the two of us against the world, which is how it should be. Instead it ended up being the two of us against each other. Forget the love I had. He killed that a long time ago. I do care about him in some respects, particularly now that we’re getting up in years, but it’s with plenty of reservations.
I’ve long since decided marriage would be a bad idea. For one thing, as it is, he does recognize that he can’t exert control over me completely. He has threatened to leave me with nothing in the way of money, but we live in a common law state. I’m cautiously optimistic that a half-decent attorney could shake a few bucks out of him in the way of maintenance. (He’s fairly well off.)
This man is well described in the article and some of the comments, possibly to a lesser degree than most. But he’s getting worse as he gets older. Trying to discuss anything with him from a rational standpoint is futile if the idea differs with his own. He goes into what I call Auto-Protection Mode and immediately starts projecting and gaslighting. He can be very childish when he feels thwarted–screaming, throwing tantrums, sometimes actually bawling like a 5-year-old. Believe me, it’s truly appalling to watch a grown man do these things. Fortunately, I do recognize these tactics for what they are, even though he tries to blame me for everything. That’s not to say it isn’t hard on me.
So why do I stay? Mainly I’m afraid I wouldn’t have enough money to live on. I support an adult son who is mildly handicapped and not really able to hold down a job, and I am too old to get any kind of work that would even cover gas expenses. Another reason is, there is a good side to this man. We do have some good times together, and I know I would miss that. He can be generous, but the cost of that generosity is extremely high. He’s very much a Jekyll and Hyde personality.
The good news? I am retired and do have a modest income, which is kept separate. Also, he recently agreed to put this house into a trust fund I have for my son. I did not realize it at the time we did this, but his name is no longer on the deed. As sole trustee of the trust fund, I am also the sole owner of the house. I can now sell it without begging for his cooperation (which I wouldn’t get) or needing to pay a lot of money to an attorney just to recoup my investment.
These things aren’t much, but they might be sufficient for me to start over in a small town where the cost of living is a lot less.
I have a narcissist mother and she definitely did every description in this article to a “T”.
My sister blocks me off Face Book and tells others I block her. She blames others all the time for the trouble she causes. She is an adult and still does this.
Wow, reading all of these stories, I feel like I am not alone and not crazy! I had never experienced anything like this in my life. I am 37 and have never been married. I am still waiting for the right guy and have not given up hope, but was prompted this last year to join a few dating sites.
I figured there was no harm so I signed up for a few of them. I went on some dates, nothing great, but nothing terrible. Then I met him. He messaged me and told me that he had been looking through profiles and thought that mine was fake. He said he thought I was a model, and that my profile was there just to attract guys so that they would sign up and pay. But then when he did sign up, contacted me and I wrote back, he said it made his year LOL! That should have been my first clue but I was so flattered I couldn’t see it.
Immediately I was showered with compliments and constant attention, it was like nothing I had experienced before and man he got me hook, line and sinker. He would tell me how beautiful and perfect I was, and then after the third date he told me that he loved me. I was a bit taken aback, but I went with it and told him that I loved him too. We shared literally everything with each other in a matter of days and I totally trusted him and felt safe with him like no other. He told me that he had been divorced for a year and had three kids. He said she was terrible and physically and verbally abusive and that he finally got out after 17 years of marriage.
Then he started talking about getting married immediately and basically invited himself to a dinner I was having with my parents. He charmed the heck out of my parents and they instantly fell in love with him. I thought I was going to be engaged by the end of the year and married by the beginning of next year-I had finally met my dream man that I had waited for all these years-little did I know. Mind you this all happened in a matter of 11 days.
So on the 12th day I got a knock on my door from his WIFE. She apparently had hacked into his email, found my address in one of our messages, and drove an hour to my house. She said that they were only “separated” and that papers had been filed 8 years ago, but neither of them had gotten around to doing anything about it because they kept going back and forth. She said that she wanted to work things out for the sake of the kids and the marriage and that she didn’t want me to get hurt. Everything she told me about him was exactly the opposite of what he had told me, he had lied about pretty much everything. I was shocked, hurt and felt totally betrayed.
I immediately called him and told him it was over. He started crying, he said that she always ruined everything good in his life, and that since they had been separated, he felt like he was divorced so it was close enough! He said that she was physically and verbally abusive and that he was afraid of her. He played the victim and said she was trying to sabotage his happiness because she wanted him to be miserable. I couldn’t believe it, my stomach dropped and it felt like my whole world caved in. I told him to not text or call me until he was officially divorced and then I hung up the phone.
So 3 days later I get a card in the mail, of course it is from him. He had found a way to get around the no communication thing. I had said no texting or calling, but I hadn’t mentioned anything about not sending cards or letters. He really poured it on thick, I thought it was sweet and I was counting down the days on my calendar to when he would be officially divorced and a free man. I got a second card, same thing, so sweet and like nothing I had read before. I sent him a card back, which now I realize I shouldn’t have done, because by sending the cards, he was testing the waters to see if I would respond so that he could worm his way back in.
About a week later I got a text from him asking how i was doing. At this point I missed him so much I didn’t even care that he broke the rule and I told him to call me. Well he said that the divorce was going to take longer than he thought and he couldn’t stay away from me that long, again he charmed me like no other, and I fell back into the trap.
We met up and picked up right where we had started. No apologies, no talking about anything, he just expected everything to be normal and I went with it. He was on his best behavior and I was in heaven. Then I began to notice the cracks after he realized he had hooked me for the second time. For instance, I got a cold and it was like how dare I get sick in front of him. He told me if I had kept whining that he would have just gotten up and left. He told me I was disgusting and gross. So I of course, stopped complaining, put on makeup and went to the movies with him like the good girlfriend, and the rest of the day was fine.
He started complaining more and more about things and started getting distant, totally doing the pulling away and I started to go crazy. I couldn’t understand what had gone wrong or what I had done. And then the discard came. One day I was the best girlfriend ever and had just met his parents, and then three days later, boom, no contact. No contact for 4 days, and we used to text every day at the times that he didn’t have his kids or when he was at work.
I finally had to text him multiple times to ask what was going on and he said that his kids were wanting more time with him and he needed to give them his full attention. That was nonsense because we only spent time together when he didn’t have his children. On the last night that we spoke, he texted me back very late and didn’t say where he had been, which was very unusual for him and very unsettling for me. It was the night that he dropped off his kids and I think he had gotten back with her and didn’t have the guts to face me so he just dropped me.
I told him that he was a liar and a coward, I mean I could handle him lying to me but how dare he lie to my dad and ask for my hand in marriage! I deleted and blocked his number. Thankfully this only went on for two months but it felt like years. I am just thankful that I got out when I did and I am now strong enough to not fall for his nonsense again, never again! But as a result, I am shattered and I feel like this wonderful future I had planned out, just disappeared before my eyes. I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust anyone again. But I am taking it one day at a time, and blogs like this are so healing, I am so thankful for them!
Everytime I think things are going to get better, reality kicks in-it was all a dream. Once in a while my mother will validate me, but the rest of the time, when I speak up, I get the silent treatment, whether it’s issues related to her or other people in the family. My sisters are especially cruel toward me, as if I need to suck someone’s butthole for the sake of the family and I do not look the other way, I speak up. Last Xmas (few days before), I told my brother in law (away from everyone as to not create a scene), I wanted to cut ties b/c the vibe isn’t right, when he asked from which side, I said his. He smiled like a grinch so I said I just feel you’re hot and cold and an undercover brat (He’s passive aggressive and has been for the past 6 years in our fam.). We agreed to disagree and walk away. All of a sudden he glares at me, so I smile back b/c I figured I could be immature too. He gets in my face in front of everyone and tells me I’m a 12yr old for calling him names, so I decided to say I was a 12 year old who came out of his ass. He decided to huff and puff like he was going to do something. Anyway, he married my sister who is a huge biatch and only is nice to you when she feels like it-sometimes like my dad. They collectively decided to celebrate Xmas (the whole family) without me and this has been going on for a YEAR now. I finally got to see my nephews 3 months later, and I’m not allowed to their house because of her husband or do family stuff if he’s involved. My sister withholds my nephews whenever I call her on her bad mood. My mom still blames me, and so does my other sister (the oldest bitch). My bro law has always been passive aggressive, and I don’t take people’s shit whether it’s my mom, dad, siblings, and really gave my bro law free passes because I didn’t know how’d I’d react-I thought wanting to cut ties was super civil, but his grinchy smile is what led me to speak to truth and now I’m excluded from a lot of things because of him. I’ve always been the scapegoat within my family, however, it got worse because I spoke my piece on this fucker. I just can’t take people’s shit! It’s like we have to live according to him and my family continues to blame me for speaking up.
My issues with my siblings have gotten progressively worse. They are nice until they don’t feel like it. The oldest slips in some mean stuff and then “apologizes” and act like I can’t let shit go because I don’t accept her apology. If you keep fucking with me everytime you visit, then fuck off!!!! She thinks I’m picking a fight, no bitch, I’m pissed because you are always sly on your bitch comments. It’s like she doesn’t know she’s a bitch (undercover), yet she knows. She’s gotten worse, especially regarding me speaking up with bro law. Middle sister, married to bro law got worse with marriage. She always got a free pass with my parents, and I’m the one who gets the most hell because I speak up. Mom sides with anyone who’s not me, most of the time, and even if I’m right, somehow the preferential treatment kicks in and mom doesn’t stay mad too long at my sisters, but with me, it’s hell to pay. Dad, he’s nice until he wants to give his jabs like my oldest sister. My therapist said I wasn’t to blame for last Xmas, but everyone thinks my therapist has issues now lol because she agrees with me. Anyway, I can’t take this bullshit. I wish someone sided with me once, or validated how I felt-instead, I’m the homewrecker. It makes you feel like you are on your own-you are fucked-no allies. Mom’s an ally, as long as I don’t totally fuck up-even then, the preferential treatment is unbearable. I want love too. I just don’t want to have to beg everyone for it!
It doesn’t sound like your family are able to give you love. In fact they are not good for you. I think just because their family doesn’t mean they can be allowed to destroy you.
You have to set boundaries and if they are crossed then do what you need to do.
You can’t change them but you can change yourself. You can change and control the relationships if you decide to maintain one.
If you have low self esteem and are used to “loved” ones treating you badly then you are in danger of attracting a partner who will treat you badly.
Don’t worry about love, that will come when you least expected.
Focus on yourself, go out, make friends, surround yourself by people who respect you and like you and want to be with you and you will feel differently about your family and will probably choose to not be around them at Christmas etc…
See them for who they are and not have a fairy tale image of what parents/ family should be about.
Most of all love yourself, be your own best friend, look in the mirror and smile at yourself, you life can be anything you want to be.
Good luck!!!
So today He is leaving me , or more accurately demanding I get out of “HIS” house because I had the nerve to put MY car keys in a drawer and he couldn’t find them… he has his own car, it’s all about control. Normally I get frustrated and cry when he pulls this crap but today was so ludicrous that I could’t even muster up the energy to get upset. Just shook my head and went to work.
Just from an ‘argument’ with my N father.He has it in his mind that because he pays my school fees and I live in his house, that makes me his subject.I then have to be abused, degraded and humiliated and if I raise a word that means that I don’t appreciate what he does.He treats me as a single entity as him and he even gets to make decisions for me like the course I’m doing now.Trust me, not an easy life.
As I was reading this article, I felt like I am reading about my husband. We’re currently in family therapy for almost nine months now, and he still will not take any responsibilities for anything he did in our failing marriage. We separated two times during our 16 years of marriage, once after the biggest mistake of my life, a 6-month affair about fours years into the marriage. Got back together, then separated again four years after that. Our marriage suffered so much from it, and I deeply hurt him. So I felt I deserve to suffer and make amends with him when we got back together. According to our group of four family therapists seeing us, we are now in an unequal marriage that happens typically after an affair. An unequal marriage that it almost feels like because of a “crime” (an affair I committed years ago), nothing he will say or do in our marriage now is his fault ~ that I became a “pleaser wife” in our marriage. These therapists are treating us as a pro bono case. I guess we are in such a terrible situation that they see a dire need to help us.
We have 2 kids together (15 and 11 years old). Our 15-year old daughter, who’s also in family therapy, is suffering from depression and self-harm, tried cutting herself three times. She is feeling better now, without the need for medications, and hasn’t cut in five months. But my husband blames me for that. I started a business when we just got married. When our 11-year old son was born, my husband’s company he was working for (with his father and brother) closed down, and he joined my company. At that point, I decided to stay with our kids and be more of a full time mom, and so my husband took over my business. Now, our company is not doing so well, our home is in foreclosure, and he wants me to find a job and help him with our company again. And so I am doing just that ~ helping him with our business and looking for a job. Apparently to him, I haven’t done anything to help our family since I became a full time mom. While looking for a job, I decided to go back to school to take my masters (in a totally different field that has nothing to do with him) because I really don’t want to work with him. He is giving me a hard time about my school schedule and cost of GRE exam lessons. I just cannot measure up to what he wants me to be, and everything I do is wrong. Now, he’s saying I should prioritize looking for a job and helping our company because that is more important than getting my masters degree. Of course, I will pursue my educational plan.
I just cannot live up to anything of what he wants me to be and blames me for everything that goes wrong. And it seems that this article is describing this man I’m married to, it sounds like I am married to a narcissist.
I was unknowingly married to a narcissist for 17 years and divorced 3.5 years ago. Through these years and dealing with so called co-parenting I learned exactly what a narcissist is and it’s a constant emotional challenge. I finally stopped talking to him and took my brother’s advice to treat the ex like a dysfunctional business partner as the only time I have to deal with him is with money for kids.
Their sense of blame and shame is beyond anything I’ve every experienced and it’s easy to let it get under my skin. Despite all the work I’ve done for my kids mostly solo he wants to be in control and disregard all my choices for the kids as if I was wrong. Wrong. I’m always wrong. Never good enough. Wow, and I’ve busted my butt to raise my kids while going to nursing school, overcome major health issues, and still keep going.
Now I’m learning to separate, detach from his sense of shame for himself and starting to own my life, believe in myself, trust my gut, and keep up boundaries while getting support from lawyers and therapists.
He remarried very suddenly…knew her 6 weeks when that decision was made. They are having same problems we had. He’s blaming her. She doesn’t see it yet. Good luck honey.
One more thing. This article was super helpful. Got to the bottomline on what narcissist do. Today was one of those days I needed to look up information about how my ex the narcissist blames as I’m experiencing blame with my kids from him.
Now I get it! It’s hard to fully grasp but articles like this explain the crazy making that comes from being with a narcissist. Thank you!
I am in the boat as all of you. I have been with my husband for 19 years and everything has always been my fault. My husband is not a nice person to anyone. This year we lost our home to foreclosure and of course it is my fault because I handle the finances, but my husband has had 15 jobs in 19 years and he cannot understand that due to that I cannot pay bills with money that I don’t have. I also work and if it wasn’t for that we probably wouldn’t eat. yes he works but because of his attitude he either quits because someone has made him mad or has been fired. He has the nerve to tell me he is resentful to me because of it. He only care about material things and not about me
After being together for over 13 years my N Soldier and I are going through a divorce. After catching him at a female Captain’s home he told me this was my fault! We’re standing in her front yard at 1 a.m. and he says you pushed me out of your arms into hers! He has stated that I didn’t support his career. I gave up everything to be with him, to be homemaker that he wanted. I believe what hurts me most is realizing that he probably never loved me.
I can so relate to this. I have been feeling half crazy as my mum blames me for everything, even her nightmares!! My brother gets blamed for similar things. I am struggling to know what to do, I have had 2 recent very painful conversations with her, even when I point out something kind I have done she finds fault with it. She has not contacted me for months even though she lives around the corner, leaving me wondering what I have done this time, yet after we have a row she acts like nothing has happened and brings a gift round! I am 48, yet finding it hard to have no contact, I know I am already in trouble as she rang my husband and told him she was feeling tearful and I did not ring back as am feeling bloody angry!! I have 2 children, she spoils one and seems to dislike the other as he is more wary of her and very close to me. Feel constantly guilty for thinking of her this way. My step dad is in hospital making matters even more difficult, yet he backs her up. She did not deny slandering me to wider family and friends. My sister in law will not speak to her as she gave her the same treatment, she also made step dad cut his son out of her will. I am not speaking to her yet can’t face being slandered again, help!!!
Does anyone have an adult son or daughter that you love dearly, but recognize the N traits in him or her? Being a mom for whom family ties are everything, I can’t turn my back on my N adult child. I just keep trying to remember it’s an illness, a disorder, a broken-ness caused by ex-N father.
Does anyone have a narcissist teenager? My son is 17 and has ADHD, ODD, and is a Narcissist. We adopted him from an orphanage when he was a toddler and have had various issues/problems ever since. Several years ago we moved overseas for my husbands deployment and my son got increasingly worse – rage, lying, stealing, threats, breaking things, verbally abusing me, threatening to harm me…. and on and on. His behavior got so bad here that we had to send him to a reform school in the US (several months ago). His behavior is still really bad and this “reform school for troubled boys” is threatening possible discharge because they said that even they have their limits. We have nowhere for our son to go. All of our family is sick and tired of his behavior and want nothing to do with him. He has almost a year until he turns 18. If the school kicks him out… we are stuck. He can not come back to live with my husband and me. During our last phone call, our son told us how he was going to financially ruin us. He also told us how he hated us, we ruined his life and he wishes we never adopted him. He ended the phone call by telling us “Go F**ck Yourselves.” He has been in counseling and on different medications for years. Currently, he is on no medications. So, I ask to you all… do any of you have a narcissist teenager? Has anything worked/helped?
educxation now needs to include how a family should function. Boys should be taught that traditions aree needed by women as their brains need appreciation, love, care, hugs and affection. This is what is required to keep a wife happy. Too many males have narciisitic brains that have been evolved from their upbringing from narcasistic fathers.
If one has been berought up by loving parents and marries into a family with narcasisitic upbringings they will struggle to accept this new way of unloving uncaring behaviours, as it is not natural to them.
Thank you for this excellent description of narcissistic blame. I think to cope with their blame is not to be sucked into their anger; realize that just because the N says something does not make it true (even if they have friends (people they’ve told their version of the story to) who ‘seem’ to agree with them or back them up). The N will often say, “My friend thinks your horrible and agrees with me!”. But remember, the N often lies to get the friend to agree (the exaggerate too), and often lie about even talking to the friend. They will lie on the spot to win the argument and prove that they are right.
To cope, know your own reality. Everything is not your fault. Even if the N’s mantra is, “It’s not my fault!”
Sometimes the N will act babyish and will admit a tiny fault (like drinking the last can of coke) but don’t buy into this act because in the next instant they will attack you. They go from being the attacker to being the scared little child. But you won’t see a mature adult.
It can be overwhelming dealing with the N’s rage, where you feel you are always defending yourself. Sometimes the N will direct their rage at someone else and the victim of the N will sometimes be relieved that the N is not taking out their rage on them this time (but it is only a temporary respite). You are expected to hate whoever the N hates, so you give up your own identity and your own right to make up your own mind and are expected to be grateful for it.
Take a deep breath. Just because this N is freaking out and blaming, does not make them right. And just because you make mistakes and are not perfect, does not mean you have to take the N’s abuse. They aren’t perfect either. Life means learning and growing, not being endlessly punished. And you don’t want to be in a Twilight Zone situation like the episode with that little boy who harmed everyone (he had these mind powers) and everyone in his world had to humour him, “It’s good, it’s good that you put the dog in the corn field (which means killing something)”. That kid had everyone trapped. People had to smile all the time. They couldn’t confront the child’s cruel behaviour or they’d be sent to the corn field. The N wants to have that sort of power over you, don’t let them.
I loved that Twilight Zone episode, “It’s a Good Life”, and the short story by Jerome Bixby on which it was based. The situation was a non-obvious role reversal: Anthony Fremont was a child with the same power over everyone that normal adults have over normal children! Just strip away the fantasy, magic, and mental powers – and compare Anthony to what a child sees in adults. From a child’s point of view, adults have this sort of arbitrary incomprehensible god-like power. Magical, too. What makes Anthony so horrible is his innocence, not evil. This is more obvious in the short story than in the episode. He is simply: 1) looking out for himself, 2) copying the behaviour of adults, and 3) trying to do good with no understanding of the consequences.
Narcissistic parents, and other abusive parents, are little more than children themselves, full of power, but lacking responsibility. But unlike children, they know better, or SHOULD HAVE known better.
Mine had issues about a ‘splash of milk’ left in the carton. In my eyes it wasn’t a splash of milk. To me there was plenty of milk for my cereal. (i guess he needed to drown his cheerios in the milk i have no idea….. serious weird stuff like that. It is sad that this narc behaviour came out so full-force when we were roommates. Before that, things were fine between us – the odd tiff and whatnot and there were times where i thought “how selfish” but i brushed it off as minor. (i’m not perfect by any means either) but the time we were roommates – it was a constant up and down up and down… then it went down… and finally i cut him off completely. (save for a mutual friend who shares his insanely weird over-share status updates.)
What if he just told me,”I know I did things wrong but, I’m not the kind of person to punch walls.” Saying I evoked that from him. He also told me,”You can only keep promises others will let you keep..” When that pretzel confused me to no end he called me a mindfield. I was the reason he didn’t keep his promises….but he would let promises go to the wayside with excuses.
Is that abuse?
I know he’s mad at me and I have not been perfect. I’m trying to untangle my responses to him and take responsibility for them but it fell on deaf ears. I tried to tell him I’m sorry that I had gotten drunk and said some mean stuff to him. That that was my responsibility on how I decided to react, not his, there for I couldn’t take responsibility for anything he has done. He told me that I had dranken long before him and that he never punched a wall before me. Which is hard to believe since his list of girlfriends before me he all calls derogatory names and that’s who I know them by.
When he got ahold of me after a year of no communication for three weeks he was texting me. Saying,”you hurt me more than words can say but I’m still in love with you but, you knew that…” and continued with I love yous, baby talk, I really miss yous on Christmas until New Years when I sent him pics of a special place we went to once… He texted,”I really loved the pics ;-)” and just stopped texting….ghosted out. Which he’s done before. 2 weeks later through a friend once removed I hear,”he’s moved on..”
I got really angry and said,”I’m sick of your lies and lies by omission!!” He responded to me then and said,”FUCK YOU for using semantics!! All I meant by that is I’m happy you’ve moved on because I have and yes I’m dating a friend she’s quite nice and I wasn’t dating her then anyway…(leaving only a two week gap between texts) and how I carpet bombed him with messages (huh? I just reciprocated his feelings)..and how it’s NEVER going to fucking happen between us!!!
A month later he begins video chatting me…we talked for 6 months never touching on our issues. Said he wasn’t dating the girl anymore because she used him, she was younger…(a dig?) how he really didn’t think she was a really bad person. He tells me he loves me and how he always thought we’d end up like two of his friends that found eachother again….
I later ask him about still being in love with me and he said,”I must have meant it at the time…” (Only two months prior) I asked again later because I wanted more depth and explaination..he says,”I shouldn’t have said that…”
All the while he’s telling me he’s going to come down to see me…..(long distance half the 10 years of our relationship)….
I asked him once about a motorcycle trip we took and he was kinda distant so I kept trying to engage.,..we pulled over to a gas station and started calling me a bitch, saying,”you fuckimg bitch, several times…” We had to wait for his Dad and brother to pick up his bike. I took off then but was too upset to stay concentrated through a sand storm and a mountain range. So I pulled over fully intending to stay put until I felt better but they saw me and he jumped out like nothin was wrong and road it for me and I road in the truck…really really upset. I asked him about that way later on and asked what was that about?! He said he didn’t rememeber it but, I must have some something….
What is this?? I feel like I kept saying how sorry I was, genuinely and I kept gettin this stuff….
At the end he screamed at me how the entire 10 years was shit!! That I’m the reason he felt so badly about himself and he’s just getting over it!!!!
Then no communication…..
I was hoping for a peaceful goodbye and I can’t get rid of this pain in my heart that was I really the reason he felt soo bad, did I’d do no good?? 10 years…
Silent treatments, the worst was 3 months. This was after (after he promised me he was coming back for me) i discovered he had conned a friend and was doing heroin. He was in extreme pain but I orchestrated so much as to be really untrustworthy. When I sincerely confronted him, asked him about it, I told him I’d tell his parents if he didn’t. I saw him one more time and he disappeared leaving me in a very very strained state if how to feel.
I asked him way later why did he lie to me and he said,”BECAUSE I was on DRUGS Anny!!!”
I have messed up. I tried so hard to own it….I wanted forgivness for how I reacted….and acted. It’s really hard to keep doing that with someone who blames it all on you…
Is this abusive? It’s all I can think about now since he ditched out again…
I am trapped in a marriage with an N. It makes me sick to see myself in all these scenarios, brig so helpless to escape. My N has done SO many of these behaviors that I am ashamed that I have put up with it fr so long. The most classic example would be of the time we were having sex and he was on top. He rammed into my perineum, which hurt so I couldn’t help but flinch. It was accidental, and wasn’t that big of a deal- but of course he had to say ” it wasn’t MY fault”. Ummmm REALLY??? Who did it, then? The guy down the street? I guess it’s just an automatic response to him. That’s nothing is ever his fault, even if nobody is even attempting to find fault. He just HAS to blame someone for everything!!
Seems like you may get locked in to many years of this toting and fringe and slowly your confidence will be destroyed by your toxic relationship.
I feel that a relationship should enhance your life, make you a better, confident, happier individual and couple. If this is not the case then why stay together?
Would you not be better alone where you have control and the opportunity to meet the right person who will adore you with your faults and vice versa?
Exactly..living with a narcistic is a cold one sided relationship..they are mentally screwed with not much hope that they could become a real human..esp when they are already grown adults…it’s all about them & it’s jekyl Hyde person
The N in my life was my brother. I’ve completely broken off contact now, though other family members are still struggling to do the same, particularly our parents.
As the younger of the two siblings, my brother made a game out of finding new ways to belittle me. He was always very vocal about how great he though he was and how he was the most handsome, smartest, and otherwise best person imaginable. He would often “prove” this by comparing himself to me, his junior of four years, who he could often easily best due to his superior age (read strength and experience). Over time, this had a cumulative impact on me, to the degree that I started to believe a lot of what he said. It has taken me the past 20 years to begin to fully understand how deep that emotional abuse really went.
As we grew up, my brothers failures and abuses began to mount and increase in severity, though he has always managed to find someone or something (even if only in his mind and often without a shred of evidence) to “prove” his innocence and lack of culpability or responsibility for his actions or their outcomes. This has included multiple felony convictions, automotive accidents that have nearly maimed and crippled the passengers of the vehicles he was driving, among many others. Amongst all of these wrongs, he has never managed to accomplish anything of any real significance (at least as far as I can see). He’s never completed school (despite attending community college for more than ten years), has been unemployed for more than five years (and couldn’t hold a job before that), etc.
Over the course of the last couple of years, all of these prior failures have converged with his narcissistic personality to result in him lashing out at everyone in the family in some very hurtful ways. Even though he and I hadn’t spoken in almost five years, he sent me an email outlining all of the “abusive” things I did to HIM as a child. He characterizes these mostly as my “lying to get the attention [I] though was never given to [me].” It seems like he thinks I always reacted the way I did as a manipulative way to get attention, versus simply reacting to his actions towards me, such as his violence, threats, and put-downs. He even went so far as to claim that he would “prove” that the automotive accident were were in (where he was driving and I was severely injured as a passenger) wasn’t his fault, despite there being absolutely no way he could locate any physical evidence to support his supposed innocence (the accident occurred more than 15 years ago). Most recently he even emailed my wife without my knowledge, claiming that I abused him and that I abused her (not true, though he’d have no way to know even if it was since he and I haven’t spoken in years and he’s only met her once in a public setting). He even had the gaul to say “I know. I promise, I know they – never – keep promises, or deals, but because of that I will,” like he honestly believes he can lure her away as a way to hurt me and make himself feel powerful through his manipulation.
Over the past year, I’ve read a lot about narcissism as a disorder and it has helped me to better understand where he is coming from. It has helped me to understand that his words cannot be trusted, no matter if he claims them to be true. My research has allowed me to understand that I never was the weak, insignificant person he led me to believe, and that his were the actions of an abuser, who uses others to satisfy his needs and to assuage his insecurities.
Thank you to all of those other who have commented here, and to the mental healthcare community, who make it possible for people like me to begin moving past the emotional trauma caused by these unfortunate people.
I was raised by a narcissistic mother. When I became a mother, our so called justice system, allowed her to legally kidnap my children. She did this by sending my court papers to a house that I never occupied. She also wouldn’t let me see them if she and I disagreed. My youngest two children got into trouble and of course it was my fault even though she claims to have raised my children.Today my relationship with my eldest son suffers greatly. He really thinks I’ve never done anything good for him. I just really have no clue of what I should do. How do you get a narcissist to confess to abuse?
My current is so jealous of my 17 year old and my 7 year old. He always points out my children’s negatives and never recognizes the good things. He rages to the point everyone is in fear. Then blames whoever at the time that makes him upset…
All these comments have been so helpful to me it’s given me the courage to want to share my story.
All of our stories are different but we all share one thing in common. Honestly, the past 6 years have been a real blur. I know many women/men out there who truly know who they are and that they have a voice know in any kind of N relationship, you will fight back and this is where the problems lies. Fighting back. I have been no perfect angel in my relationship. To this day I try to figure out why he treats me the way he does. By nature, I am loving, positive, caring and always trying to do the right thing. I’m a fighter too. I don’t just give up.
Aside from my boyfriend (when he wants to be) being a N, he is also a high functioning alcoholic. I also struggle with my own issues personal as to why I want to still be with this person. Maybe it’s because I know he has a good side that comes out from time to time. Sometimes he acts like a wounded child desperate for someone to love him. These are the times when I come to the rescue. As the years have gone by, they happen less and less. All the kind words he has said about me on why he loves being with me is never remembered. Instead of remembering all the good, loving things I’ve done for him, he keeps a tabs on all the times I “misbehave.”
He has been married before and has two teenage children who treat him horribly. He is deathly afraid of not getting his kids approval and will literally have a nervous breakdown for weeks on end if there is a situation going on with his kids. He is so terrified of his kids that there are times I can’t see him “because they will know I am over.” He has become so paranoid it becomes unbearable to be around him and to see him breakdown.and of course, that is all my fault. How can I compete. When I do see him, I have to park on another street. I have even gone as far as changing my licenses plate on my car so they won’t notice. The parent/child role has been reversed in his situation. His kids constantly complain how he doesn’t act like an adult yet, he pays $5,000 total for their school/college tuitions, gives his ex $300 in child support, and pays for various other things. I don’t get why his kids can treat him like utter shit and here I am desperately trying to make things work, not try to push his buttons, and “behave.” None of that works. Instead, his kids get the royal treatment regardless of how they treat him and I am seen as a “gold digger.” And believe me he will get mad at me because he paid for a $40 dinner or paid $200 for a hotel stay. Where in reality, I don’t ask him for any money. He does pay for dinners and trips we take but it doesn’t add up to the amount of money he forks out each month to his kids and ex wife. He has absolutely no problem giving money to his family. I take care of him all the time. When he comes home he doesn’t have to do a thing. I be over backwards him, go out of my way to make sure he is happy and yet, all of his problems with his family are my fault when I KNOW some of it has nothing to do with me.
I know there is something horribly wrong here and yet, I want to make things work between us and prove to him I am not really as horrible as he says I am. Well, you know trying to reason with a N gets you nowhere. In fact, you maybe worse off. Our arguments go on for weeks and I am left confused, sad, angry, as to why??? I constantly feel sick to my stomach all the time.
My husband is mad at me for something his 22 year old is doing renting a room from his sister. he fells he sister should be more focused on their mother. It seems we all have had to sacrafice to not set him off and I just am so sick of tryinfg to make sure someone or something doesn’t piss him off I just feel like saying OK if you feel this is all my fault because I didn’t control these people I’ll except your punishment but that’s not going to chage what they will do I feel the kids have already gave up enenough growning up and shouldn’t have to worry about blow back now
I live with a man who has blamed me for everything for 3 years now. And is in total denial about his personality disorder..I noticed it very early in the relationship & it pushed me away from him & I lost respect as well as desire & closeness. when he is upset he throws everything into my face even little things I have said when conversing with him as though I said something bad..I have no desire to even talk to him be cuz he is as two faced as they come.he is very sneaky and believes himself to be totally faultless and has no real perception of reality or what a healthy relationship is..how could he..he blames everyone for problems but himself..it is like jekyl & Hyde and very immature & dissatisfying way to live. I have lived with this selfishness so long it has made me sick..he buys groceries so he does not think selfish is his mo..he refuses to accept any blame or to acknowledge his ways..I know we r doomed be cuz it is a very disturbing way to live.the only way a person could survive this is to become cold & dead inside..never talk to him..never trust him to have my back..or trust him like a woman should cuz he has no concept at all what reality is..other than his me me me reality.
What an absolutely delightful article. My two wonderful children, Engineer, Pharmacist .. could be the examples for this article.
Raised with love, encouragement; had to behave, follow general rules, etc. Great kids till both reached the college level, found their perfect mates; they then turned on me with a vengeful purpose after they married. They emotionally regret their horrible behavior, but it’s always there, so I keep my distance (800 miles). I don’t visit; and I don’t allow them to visit me. When they use email to get at me I shut them out. Telephone is OUT..I don’t answer, even on their ‘loving’ holiday messages. My feeling is they were BORN with this defect, since both of my children are EXACTLY like my brother. I had one loving sweet brother; and the other a bastard..just like my children. It appears to be fueled by jealousy. The latest email temper tantrum by my daughter copies EVERY defect shown in this above very readable article. MOTHER IS TO BLAME. My 3-word reply when it got to be unbelievable text of 2 pages of how and why I am to blame… I answered: Blah! Blah! Blah! I felt RELIEF! Finally. For 40 years I wondered what it was I did wrong…I don’t name call or give them any excuse to attack me… knowing that if I did it’s like providing them with bullets.. Thank heavens I got through those years mentally stable, and this article allows me to lighten up and LAUGH! Finally. It’s really not my fault. There’s many copies of my brother and my two children out there… I am not alone. Laugh Laugh Laugh..I’m delighted.
WEll it seems we have all come into contact with this same kind of personality disorder..
Its nothing short of life ruining..
YOu find yourself trying to appease these people . While denying yourself everything they don’t like.. Which is generally anything that makes you feel good about yourself.
Looking for a sign of approval, a gesture that shows they appreciate something you did.
Well,, they either minimize what you do.. Deny you did anything good.. Or flat out tell you , that you did something bad..!
Bake a cake ? Do they say .. “wow thank you , thats so sweet”….
NO.. they say “what do you want”?
Or eat it with an air of disdain.. As if “great try, but not so good”…:”(
I think their joy is in how much confusion, misery, sadness and frustration they see they can cause..
I hope this web site and these stories help people understand ASAP that they are not the ones with the problem.
And the first sign a person won’t feel sorry they hurt you.. OR worse doubles down on it if you say anything.. Slam the door to your heart to them.. If they are your family ..
Slam your door if they are not.. bolt and lock it.. Shut them out of your life..
You deserve to live your life..
Because trust me.. after 20 years I know how much time they can take ..And you can’t get it back..
And you will regret trying to appease them.. Its not worth it.
Because you never will do anything right as far as they are concerned….. NEVER.
And worst case scenario.. They will have you feeling so unloveable, so worthless that you actually isolate yourself from the world..Giving them carte blanche to take total control.
Someone tell me how to get out before he kills me mentally or physical.
It is so frustrating that the preponderance of the BPD/NPD articles are written as the female always the victim and the male as the perp. Nothing could be further from the truth. I forget where I found the study from a psychiatric group but with BPD, women are the greatest in this at approximately 60%, whereas men are higher in the NPD category. In any event women as well as men are abusers and this needs to be recognized by all involved.
Sorry I did this as a reply …Meant it as a comment…
WEll it seems we have all come into contact with this same kind of personality disorder..
Its nothing short of life ruining..
YOu find yourself trying to appease these people . While denying yourself everything they don’t like.. Which is generally anything that makes you feel good about yourself.
Looking for a sign of approval, a gesture that shows they appreciate something you did.
Well,, they either minimize what you do.. Deny you did anything good.. Or flat out tell you , that you did something bad..!
Bake a cake ? Do they say .. “wow thank you , thats so sweet”….
NO.. they say “what do you want”?
Or eat it with an air of disdain.. As if “great try, but not so good”…:”(
I think their joy is in how much confusion, misery, sadness and frustration they see they can cause..
I hope this web site and these stories help people understand ASAP that they are not the ones with the problem.
And the first sign a person won’t feel sorry they hurt you.. OR worse doubles down on it if you say anything.. Slam the door to your heart to them.. If they are your family ..
Slam your door if they are not.. bolt and lock it.. Shut them out of your life..
You deserve to live your life..
Because trust me.. after 20 years I know how much time they can take ..And you can’t get it back..
And you will regret trying to appease them.. Its not worth it.
Because you never will do anything right as far as they are concerned….. NEVER.
And worst case scenario.. They will have you feeling so unloveable, so worthless that you actually isolate yourself from the world..Giving them carte blanche to take total control.
OH and the anger ? The self righteous anger???
the one that comes out of nowhere and blows through you like a kick to the chest.. The one that emotionally knocks you off your feet.. That leaves your heart pounding, your head dizzy and so frustrated and confused you can barely speak?
That if by some miracle you can.. They scream over the top of you.. Stopping any attempt at being heard.. They WON’T listen.. Never listen to you tell them anything..
They are NEVER wrong. NO matter what lie or line they must scream at you..
Its ALWAYS your fault..
And worse than that, they accuse YOU of loving the anger YOU PROVOKED it.. YOU always PROVOKE IT .. :”(
Dump them.. They never change.. Trust me.. They don’t.
Only a narcissist will yell at you for 1/2 an hour, tearing you down piece by piece, blaming you for what isn’t working out and than tell you that they don’t know why you are crying.
I was suggested to google narcissist by a friend and am so glad I did. I have a child by a N and I am involved in of course an on and off relationship with him. Everytime I get strong enough to leave I get drawn back into his cycle. I was free a year and three months from him. Four months ago I got bel involved w him and it’s been hell since month two. Every other week I’m blamed and verbally abused. He’s such a charmer and awesome w sex that he has multiple women and other child’s moms. When we are conflicting I’m definite that he gets his attention from these other women. I have learned to block his negativity blaming and the constant infidelity out. He recently spoken that my only job is to act right or obey and I can’t get that right. I am planning on leaving him soon because I know how good life is without him. I will have to move out of state because I feel that is the only way I can rid him. Once I’m out of sight I’ll be out of mind and there’s always a woman that willingly to be around and give him attention. It weird that I loved this man for so long but just realized who he really is by reading other people that’s like him. I realized loving him is worthless and that what he lately says that what I contribute is worthless. I am a strong confident woman but I think that what attracted him but only for the goal of tearing me down. I will have a great life without him soon and I thank you all for sharing and motivating me.
28 years… I have been dealing with this for 28 years… My mother has been this way since I can remember. Recently I had a miscarriage, it was no ones fault. Things happen. My mother and I were talking about it when she mentioned to me that it was my husbands fault that I lost the pregnancy, that he didn’t want the baby in the first place and was happy that I had lost it. (total opposite of what he really felt). She then told my father that I blamed her for the loss.(I didn’t, it was no ones fault)then the next day was having company over and told me that I needed to leave cause I always mess things up and cause a scene. That I caused a scene the last time they had people over(it was a BBQ for her birthday. And all I did was serve people and clean up),she also lets me know quite frequently that I’m a horrible person she just wants me to leave and never come back. That I’ve always been ugly I really thought I was/am crazy. Makes me think about maybe that’s why I feel really low about myself
This has been the best site I have found on this subject. I am married to a narcicissist. It has been very hard and frustrating. I am going to file for a divorce this week.
I can’t believe this. I don’t want to believe this. I think this might be my wife but I can’t believe it’s true.
Yes she does have high demands of me and yes she does rage but does that mean we are over and have no hope?
My N once raged at me for something her child had done which was heating food uncovered in the microwave. Well, the food splattered and when the N noticed she exploded. I told her that her daughter just used the microwave and all hell broke loose. She couldn’t fathom that I would accuse an innocent child.
My heart hurts. I’ve given my all and I’ve lost it all!!! I get blamed for everything. I get called useless, lazy, ugly, fat, bitch along with anything else that comes to his brain to hurt me. I know I’m not perfect but this is making me feel very lost and alone! I have no where to go and no money to go anywhere! He hits me and says it’s my fault cause I mane him so mad!!! I just want to crawl in a hole and die. How can someone you love so much treat you like this? Help me? How do I get help? Where can I go? How can I get rid of this feeling of being lost and alone!!!
i live that life for 30 years but am independent but i don’t know how to leave
Are there different levels of this? My brother exhibts a lot of these qualities but not to the extreme of this article, unless he is on drugs (he has been struggleing with a vicoden and adderall on and off for the last 10 years)
The selfishness and the blame/justification for his actions are the big red flags for me — but the anger and abuse(verbal) only show up when he is on drugs so it is hard to know if that is part of the narcissism
Can you tell I am a little lost….
Narcisissm is on a Personality Spectrum. Not every Narc is on the same level of that spectrum. Some are “more” Narc than others. Everybody has a little Narc inside him but for some it becomes a disorder when it impacts their own lives and those of others.
I’ve been married to my narcissist for 26 yrs.
I can relate to the quote “always waiting for the other shoe to drop”.
Usually when something went wrong or failure.
So when he told me yesterday he threw his snuff away and was going to try to quit chewing I knew.
I knew that other shoe would drop because I know this will be another failed attempt to quit this habit and the blame would start.
Not even 24 hrs later..mad at the world. Ranting and raving stated at 6:30am.
A few harsh responses of WHAT!! When I would ask a question told me I wasn’t going to like this day but behold he left for the day!! Yes!!????
So to l those living daily with narcissists I send out a big hug…hang in there and your not alone.????
I have been with my husband since I was 16, had a baby with him very young, I am 41 now. I did not realize it when I was younger but later I started believing he had some type of personality disorder. Now I am quite sure he is a narcissist. And I know it was caused by his childhood, his half brothers have problems too. I had plans to go to college, that never happened. When we were younger he didn’t want me to work. Then later in life he decided I should work. I would get a job then he would accuse me of cheating on him. This happened with several different jobs and so now I have resorted to working from home. I don’t go anywhere but he will still accuse me every once in a while. I have always been a faithful wife to him, I won’t even look at another man. He blames me for everything. If anything goes wrong it is typically my fault. If he makes bad decisions, it’s my fault. Even if I get sick, he is never sympathetic. Recently when he had been working out of state for a few weeks, he needed a break so I set up a short vacation for us. Unfortunately I got sick the day after we got there. And it wasn’t no light illness, I was extremely ill, vomiting for two days straight, in bed the whole time. Even though he was able to meet up with his friend and hang out and fish and have a good time, he came back to the rental we were staying in and threw a fit and decided we would pack up and go home. After packing up and leaving the rental he finally decided he would take me to the er before leaving town. I was there hooked up to an iv for nine hours. That evening he knew they were giving me my last bag of fluids and antibiotics and were about to discharge me, but suddenly he decided he wanted to leave me there and get a motel room because it was taking too long. Luckily they came back in my room and got me ready to go. The whole way back to the rental all he could do was complain about why was this happening to him! I started feeling better with antibiotics and we were able to stay for the rest of the time. But that wasn’t good enough for him. Now it has been about three weeks and I am still hearing it about how his vacation was ruined. And now I am also being guilt tripped about the job he has now, he doesn’t want to do it. That is a long story how he got to this point in his career so I will leave that out. But his thoughts are that I should have fixed this by now and made it where he can work from home too instead of what he is doing now, either that or he shouldn’t have to work at all. It’s my fault. Not all the time is bad though. We do have good times and had actually been getting along well since he got back from working this last week, but of course out of nowhere, while at a restaurant today, he just starts guilt tripping me about the job thing to the point that I was crying. Then he got mad at me for crying and we had to get our food packed up to leave. Now he won’t talk to me and he’s locked himself in our bedroom. I have been feeling for a while now, our son is older and moved out, what am I still doing here? I am miserable. Lately there has been more bad than good. I constantly feel like I need to walk on eggshells as to not set him off, if I get too comfortable, I slip up and something goes wrong, then the emotional abuse starts all over again. I am not to the point where I can support myself on my own yet. I often feel sad when I see how other men treat their wives with respect and dignity. I have been with this man for so long that I don’t know how to start over, especially at my age.
I am in a toxic relationship.We both met after our marriages ended.he still lives with his wife whom he hasnt divorced for the sake of his son who has turned 14yrs.the son knows of me but doesnt know the extent of our relationship. my partners idea.He wont leave the family homes cause he feels it will upset his son.
We live 130 miles apart and he has been making demands on me to move near him where I would be alone some nights and will be away from my family and friends and my job. I also own my home and wants me to sell up. I do love him but he scares me at times with his anger towards me.I am always to blame.he calls the most awful names.At christmas just passed I had a get together for my family in my home and he had been telling me to call it off as he didnt want people coming to me..I didnt want cancel it as its something he knew i did every year since we met. to keep the peace i lied that I was going to my family home for the get together instead of people coming to me.he found out I didnt go and I had an awful xmas because of the abuse and anger directed at me.I only lied in the first place to keep the peace. Now he doesnt trust me and i am gutted as I was extremely sorry and guilt ridden. He also bought me a car three years ago and every time I want to leave the relationship he demands it back.Calls me a user and selfish.I feel trapped because if I leave him I know his anger will frighten me and then I will stay.
Its always my fault when things go wrong and I walk into situations like this often without realising what I am getting myself into.I am walking on eggshells and it has got worse.
Yesterday We had a day out with our sons (mines 23yrs).Two seperate outings and I forgot to text him within a 90 min period. he tells me hes very hurt and is so angry with me.
Told me I was weird to spend time with my son and not think of him and keep in touch.Told me my son was a mammys boy (which he isnt) cause we spent time together talking.he called me and my son awful names and has told me he will hurt me back and that hes hating me.I am at my wits end. I know it was my own fault but it was nice just to be with my son (whos at uni 60 miles away from home)
Am I going mad? I am sorry if this all doesnt make sense but I am upset and I think just writing it all down is a way of releasing my worries and if he ever read this my life wouldnt be worth living
Let us not just point at men as i live with what i have just found out to be a narcissist wife. Nothing I do is right and everything I do is wrong no matter how I try to make her happy and show her my love. It is driving me crazy and she will not admit to her wrongs at all but points out my faults. I have never been the angered type but it is getting to that point I no longer know what to do. if i did something good in my life with or before her she has always done it so much better then me. yes i suffer borderline personality dysfunction which only fuels her fire against me in everything I do. My life is a mess i take meds to fix my problem but don’t feel they can cover the hurt and the pain i receive from her. I just want her to love me and show me that I mean something in this world but she says she has nothing wrong with her and won’t get help..A slave to love.
I actually spend my time sat in my bedroom alone so that I don’t have to be in the same room as my husband, he shouts go on get in your pit. He is horrid, he hates me with a passion. He has all of the symptoms listed in all of your posts, infact evenmore not listed. I am so unhappy. I get up go to work everyday and know one has a clue what I have to endure at home. I would give anything to have a husband that loves me. The best thing about my situation is that my children know without a doubt that their dad has issues. We are meant to be going on a family meal tonight but he is not going now because of me being such a bxxch. After reading this thread I now feel that I am not alone and not going mad and most importantly, it is not ME with the problem. Thank you everyone, you are the first people that I have told. I am going to get ready and go for the meal by myself.X
I find my situation a lot like yours and often feel like a ghost in my own home.
If you have the ability start squirelling away cash money somewhere safe, tying up loose ends, knowing exactly what you’ve got in debt and assets and escape as soon as you can.
Don’t waste any more of your life with him than you have to, your children will understand and no one else matters.
Why are all of these articles written with the example being a Man, and the context of it being “Him” who has the problem ?
Hi Bob, Because 50-75% of Narcs are men. But that does not mean females can’t be Narcs either.
Whatever the stats may be, to avoid prejudice the article should still use ‘they’ or ‘he or she’.
Hi…I am new here…I just left my N 4 days ago…..the no contact is so hard especially when I think I can get one over on him. But he always trumps that with something more hurtful. Yes he blames the breakup all on me..,he has lied…cheated..,,physically hurt me…broken my personal belongings….to name a few. I have read so much on what to do…how they are…and what to expect. I know in a matter of time he will be prancing around with another on his arm. I spent 15 months giving my all only to be accused of not loving him. I thought I was a stronger person…..my thoughts are all over the place…my heart hurts and my time wasted. Thank you for letting me vent!!
Does any one else feel like they can’t except there ex is a narc despite all the proof?
I split with mine back in December went through therapy and was in a good place, 9 months later I download an app and he’s on there making contact I ignore for a month then as I thought I was strong enough I responded and we met that night!!
Oh how amazing it was we clicked straight away we were both like different people we spoke about things and we’re getting on. He couldn’t get enough of me always wanting to see me, I could drive this time round and when his car got trashed I was his taxi service but I wanted to do it he
Was helping me and we were having
Fun. Messages saying he missed me when we couldn’t meet up always asking to see me I felt amazing. I ended up having
A car crash without him and wow how things changed!
First of all he said “this is why I didn’t want u going out with others ” trying to blame the crash coz he wasn’t there
He didn’t cuddle me that night and when I asked he said I pushed him away (I did not a lay awake) then he said I could of cuddled him (I was in pain and couldn’t move a lot) then he said he didn’t want to hurt me. When I said oh I thought u said I pushed ur arm away he said “you did” he genuinly believes it.
He got a car but everything changed
No cute messages , never asking to see me only me asking
Making out it was such a chore telling me I didn’t understand how busy he was (his life hadn’t changed work wise so I couldn’t understand why it was so hard to meet all of a sudden) when I would have proof in messages to support my arguments again it was my fault he said I don’t look at the whole picture and only see him in a bad light. He said he doesn’t send sweet messages because of how I am now. (I was no different apart from maybe being a bit more in love and wanting to be there for him)
Loads of things like this kept happening so I decided to end it. I wasn’t happy
Suddenly that eve I got all the cute messages and he even turned up unannounced coz he just had to see me. He was all over me again after weeks of me asking why it’s changed and him saying it hasn’t suddenly he was doing it all again!!!
But I new it was because I had decided to go so the next morning I told him I felt the same we sent a string of messages I was explaining how I felt used and again supported my accusations he twisted everything to say that’s how he felt with me!! He accused me of having some one else lined up even tho I spent months telling him he’s all I want. So now I have gone no contact and he’s only sent 2 messages since but I no this isn’t the end
It’s only been just over 24 hrs.
A bit of the back story which were my warnings were him wanting me to spend all my time with him when I had a social life saying things like “oh don’t u enjoy spending time with me, why arnt I good enough to see etc etc ”
Eventually I stopped doing anything but see him.
He hated asking for anything if I asking if he needed dinner he would say “Thankyou” he wouldn’t ask or say please it was just strange.
In the first few weeks he makes out he needs me and can’t do anything without my help, he easily asks for help in the beginning, tells me how low he’s feeling and struggling to cope, so all my efforts go towards him. When I fall down and have problems he says he’s always there for me but actually doesn’t help at all.
However when I over come something he’s quick to claim thanks that he’s helped me when he hasn’t but some how he twists it to make it look like he has.
He’s gone now and I find it so hard
My life was all for him now I feel lost
I stopped seeing my best friend much and she’s now got with my other friend so now I have no one to meet with.
I feel so trapped and abnoyed I let him back despite warnings from people!
I did everything for him and all I wanted back was to see him but he made it sound so hard for him! When I asked if I was seeing him that night it would be “guess so” where as at the beginning he would be like “please see me I miss u so much”
I can’t understand the change and like I said when I ask him about it he says nothing’s changed in making up stories and making myself worse
I don’t no what to do
All I want is to see him again but when I’m with him I’m still unhappy and only happy when I get them few hours
It’s no way to live
He doesn’t except any responsibility for any part in this and says its all my own doing and he was trying to build a future for us.
I no he’s no good for me so why do I crave him. Why do I cry that I won’t ever see him again. I don’t have any one to talk to I don’t have any one to share stuff with
I’m a shy person aswell
All this has happened before last year and I no I can get over it eventually but I can’t come to terms that my life won’t have him in it. We have such fun and can talk about everything I’ve never had that with anyone in the past and feel like maybe he is right
Maybe I was to hard on him and he was there for me
It’s making me question everything
Please can some one give me some insight. My life was literally revolves around him I would cook nice dinners just to impress him work out to impress him everything for him so he could see I was good to keep. And because I chose to cut it he then says its my fault and he was willing to try which makes it harder coz I’m not happy either way.
Oh side note
If I explained my emotions – explained why I got upset he would always say I need to handle them better and I would see more clearly the bigger picture
Even if it was obvious he has done something wrong he would say “I’m not saying I’m perfect but this is all you twisting things to suit ur stories and make u see me in a bad life if u just saw things for what they are we would be fine”
Another example was “oh I should be doing this right now but I’m here with u and putting my self out for u” so I felt bad he even bothered and when I said “ok well we can arrange it so u don’t need to miss what u need to do next time ” and he would say I don’t appreciate his efforts . Argh some one give me strength!! I have a blog on blogger.com name “tryingtiseethelight” this gives u more of an insight to what last year was like with him. I don’t know how to get the url.
My n called me someone else’s name In bed then blamed me madddd
Oh dear..can’t find anything to say that hasn’t been said..when does the hurt go away if ever!
Thanks to everyone that shared..
My husband blames me for his failed business attempt. I told him in the begging that it is a bad idea but that I will support him in his decision. He is spending all his time and money on something that is taking more money than It generates. When I asked him why he gave his staff off on the two weeks vacation I have, he responded to say I could come sit there all day instead of asking him why he is not spending time at home. He is also upset that I don’t come and help with his advertising and marketing of the shop. When I told him that one of us need to be home with the kids he flipped and said all he asks for is 1 hour of my day every day. I have a full time job I leave home at 5 everyday and only get home at 7 in the evenings and then I still need to cook and clean and tend to the 3 kids. Am I wrong in not wanting anything to do with the shop that I feel is tearing our family apart, financially and emotionally? He is now also pressing me to tell him to sell, I just feel he wants me to say it so that if someone else makes it work that he can blame me.
I’m 34 my first partner and father of my son wasn’t narcissistic but was violent in alcohol, and drank often. I think he conditioned me to put up with abuse and to make excuses for bad behaviour. He died 4 years ago in a car accident and I ended up meeting the most unreasonable and seemingly crazy man out there. I fell pretty quick for his quirky charm when we first met and he seemed so nice and caring. Didn’t take long for that to change though cracks started appearing quickly. Kept him waiting for a couple of minutes outside my friends house when he was picking me up and he totally exploded and drove off as I was attempting to get in. Has taken control over all my social media. Left me on holiday and locked me out of the apartment for hours and then let me in and terrorised me for my behaviour and forced himself on me. I have been left in wales with no money or phone signal and forced to walk for miles until somebody gave me a lift. All my fault. He’s left me in a restaurant miles from home for using my knife and fork incorrectly even though he eats like a pig. Apparently I killed my ex partner by being a cunt ( sorry for language ) and that I let him hit me so how dare I moan when he chastises me. He’s held me down in an argument so many times and forced himself on me and then carried on the row as if nothing happened never an apology. I know I need a labotomy I don’t understand why I put myself through this pain for the small moments of love I feel in between. I get left for weeks sometimes while he probably sleeps with all sorts behind my back and still here I am like a mug. What do I do though
Why would the person writing this make it all about a man, a narcissist could be either a man or woman, but here the person writing only spoke of it as a man and spoke as if she has man troubles and shows classic signs as someone who has been emotionally and verbally and some physical abuse stemming from the father into adult relationships with a man. Projection of her own experiences generalized into only a man’s narcissistic behavior.
I am in a very tricky situation.
Im pretty sure my husband is N, but the problem is, he is so intelligent that EVERY fight he manages to turn back on me.
We start arguing about one thing (my fault/his fault/both our fault or no ones fault) and we end up with him saying it’s all me, it’s my “bullshit”.
He takes absolutely NO responsibility for ANY behaviour he exibits.
Even if I am not to blame I will always say I am sorry for any role I played to try to reconcile i.e
“im sorry that i said your argument was stupid/irrelevant (insert word), i was wrong to say that, what you have to say is valid…..” etc etc… but no, he just keeps the fighting up.
And if I stand my ground and argue back, He just completely ignores me, he won’t look at me, talk to me
And I spend hours/days begging for him to stop and to let us make up etc, I offer to cook him food, bring him things, make him a bath etc… he just eventually says “no” very curtly like I am a mosquito and I disgust him. Or he will say “do you admit that you are full of shit” and I say I won’t admit it because it isn’t true” so he says “well you have your answer then”.
He calls me names like “you are a psychopath” INFRONT of our toddler/my teenage son, then when I tell him we shouldn’t fight infringement of the kids he say “you don’t bring our daughter into our arguments”
???? All like hidden threats or talking at me like I am a child and he is commanding me.
I can’t win, it is soul destroying.. I Love Him so much but he is getting worse and worse and worse!
I have even told him that his behaviour is abusive. I have told him that the way he behaves is narcissistic and that his behaviour is his problem.
He does not care! AT ALL! He just ignores me, he will tak to our daughter like I don’t even exist and acts like I don’t even exist.
Then he won’t change nappies or help with our daughter like a punishment, he just shuts himself in a room and has nothing to do with me.
????????????
My gf recently was talking to a girl in messages and didn’t say she was talking to her at all and when I asked to see the messages she deleted them and once before with another girl. I told her I didn’t trust her that the messages were just regular because in the past she was talking to other people through messages as a relationship. She previously had a drug habit and said all that she did wasn’t her and it was the drugs. She would get mad if I didn’t answer her calls or not reply within minutes but disappears with no communication for hours sometimes and says that I’m just being hard on her and nagging looking for fights. What do you think about this situation?
She also says that I fight with her over petty things and when she tries to talk about important things I don’t talk to her. She is currently ignoring me and when I don’t answer when she is done being mad that I am being spiteful and vindictive.
I married this sweet , loving man two years ago…He is giving and people love him…He wakes up happy and love to help people. But he started abusing me…Some physical such as pushing or throwing in the bed, sitting on me, spitting on me, licking me in the car forcing me to listen to his condemnation to me. For hours.. I can just say something and it sets him off…He says I was snappy or bitchy…I. thinking what did I do? So now starts the hours and days if screaming at me telling me how worthless I am and how no one loves me. If I retaliate and say something back to hurt his feelings…Oh then it’s worse. Now he made an appointment for me to go to Dr. For hormone therapy…So CE I get hot flashes and I am the reason for all the fighting. He blames me for it all and demands that I admit what I did to start it…I can’t answer because I don’t know. I feel tormented!! I want out!
I’m terribly sorry…it sounds like he is deeply mentally ill. You are not safe in this situation -if the only way you can have contact with someone is through a doctor appointment I would slip them a note or refuse to allow him in.
This is Deb I put in wrong email. Adjusted it below
Be wary of facebook and cellphones. A narc in a position of power can triangulate easily through Facebook messenger and texting. If you are on social media please get rid of it. They will spread rumors and gather information this way. Seeing as your average person is like Dr Oz from idiocracy and has no clue that in some case what the narc is doing are illegal they will gladly give the information. They probably had a relationship with them in the person or peoples in the past and so they utilize this to triangulate. Remember the narc will never confront you, but will passively aggressively attempt to get you into kobyashi marus (no win situation). Before cellphones they could not do this as they had to talk to people in person mostly. Now they can easily triangulate through private electronic means at a much faster rate.
My father is one and I have a negative account on my credit because of him. After this I started ignoring him and for a span of few months he was routinely blowing up my phone. What you need to do is utilize the technology against them. If your young you can believe that the adults are trying to screw with you. Get a google voice and use that as your number and never let them have your personal cell. This way they will be driven mad because you are ignoring them until you can check the number, and go bother someone else. Make sure all your bills are electronic as well. If you can get a PO box and have all your mail shipped there. Make sure you record your phone calls as well. There is a recording app for Android for ACR.
They like control so you need to deprive them of it. Change locks that they may have keys too, vary your movements after you leave work (stay on the same time schedule but take slightly different paths), go to different areas of the city if you utilize the same businesses. Only associate with trustworthy coworkers.
I had a narc calling a girl he knew at my office once to check on me while I was at Work. He was my roommate. I ousted him after he sprung the trap I set and lied to me about the landlord showing up for my rent. He turned this into me dodging the landlord and being irresponsible, and that I may have to move out. This was several days after the landlord had asked me to collect the rent from said narc. I promptly refused.
If you are up against a narc and their flying monkeys you need to exit the situation as fast as possible. If you cannot ensure your stead fast removal from the situation have checks and balances in place that you can easily point to so even they can discover their deception.
I’m at the end of my rope with my N. Yesterday was my birthday and last night when we were driving home from dinner I made the mistake of trying to clear the air after he got angry at me for not doing enough around the house ((I’m not working at the moment so he thinks I should become his maid), I don’t mind doing the general cleaning but he’s using this to not clean up after himself at all and then blames me for not cleaning enough.)
So I was basically trapped in the car with him and he started blaming me for a situation a while ago where we were both too intoxicated after a night out, he threw a drink in my face after I had to stop him fighting some random guy earlier at the bar and I got so angry, I lost my cool and tried to brake his fishing rod (I know, wrong thing to do, drinking is no excuse) and he threw me against the table, realised I was really hurt and decided to go to the police and after that he has a domestic abuse charge against his name, he told me he now has a criminal record because I made him throw me to the ground because I attacked him and his things. When I pointed out that it was his choice to go to the police he started screaming at me that I was nothing, I had nothing, I was a piece of s**t and wanted to throw me out of the car in the middle of the highway.
This kind of thing keeps happening, he’s nice for a while, if we have a fight he says he’ll change and do all these things which never happen. He said after our last breakup when I stupidly went back to him that I turned everything around on him and made him think it was his fault when it wasn’t and he only accepted my terms cause I “tricked”him.
How am I meant to deal with this? I know I have to get out but I have nowhere to go for the next 2 weeks, I don’t know what to do in the interim.
Im constantly being held to account & criticised, everything that goes wrong is my fault.
Im to bring in the main income, rebuild the house, clean up after the dogs, do the cooking, landscape the garden.
No holiday its my fault, im called weak, lazy, ugly & no one want you around.
Im not allowed friends, she drove my kids from my first marriage away, all im allowed to do is what she wants.
If I walk away she follows me ranting & criticising, if I flee the household she destroys my possessions & damages the house.
She will cancel the mortgage payments & not pay bills & then its my fault because I made her do it.
Im not allowed to have interests or hobbies because im supposed to be doing what she demands & my wants are just selfish.
Im totally trapped without any friends or family & when ive tried to leave I end up sleeping in the street because the council say im male & therfore no priority for housing.
She’s violent & abusive yet if I dont react she will hit herself, call the police & say I did it, ive been arrested 7 times because she lied & no one will believe me.
Im so depressed & just want to die, I cant see a way out anymore & no one will believe me or help me
Im so lonely because she drove everyone away & at this very moment im hiding upstairs from her & she keeps coming in the room making threats like im getting rid of your dogs & its your fault.
Im throwing you out tomorrow.
You’re scum, your weak, your ugly, you’re useless, no one likes you & thats why your alone.
I cant take this anymore & have started researching the most painless way to end it all, there’s just no escape & im alone.
I’m sorry to hear this Matthew. It sounds dreadful what you’re going through. Is there any chance of you starting a new life in a new place? You desperately need to get away from this x
Just leave and go no contact. Whatever happens after that is better than the hell you are in now. Whatever she does is not your concern. Within a few weeks your soul will start to recover and youll find a new strength starting to build. Talk to whoever you can about your problems during this time. There are good people out there who will want to help you.
Just out of interest, do comments on here usually just dissappear into the ether without trace or reply? ..
try your luck 😉
I just happened to type in “my x blames me for everything” and this popped up. This is exactly what I live with everyday. It’s my fault for all of his failed relationships, it’s my fault that he can’t keep a relationship, it’s my fault that the kids can’t stand his girlfriend and that they have be in therapy bc of his relationship. He’s an alcoholic narcissist. I always knew he was an alcoholic but, until I read this….ahhhh…the light came on…he’s a total narcissist! Everyone feel sorry for poor W, he sure knows how to play the victim as well.
I somehow, feel better. Thanks!
I knew my ex was an alcoholic and typed something about “alcoholic physical abuse ” and the narcissist sites started popping up! Ha! Just like you, now know what evil REALLY is.
If it’s any comfort….some of their “hangers on” do know they are crazy but they need the narc for their own reasons…???? BUT, who cares about them….they deserve each other!
In my case, over our 13 years together I became very good friends with people that have known and cared about him for 30+ years. Guess what, they have seen through all his bs as they become “targets” too.
I’ve just ended a friendship with a narcissist. We were good friends for four years and although I noticed her behaviour towards others, mainly men, it was never directed at me until we had an argument. The argument was both our faults. She screamed at me in the street, cut me off for over a month, ignored me. She has since called me manipulative, argumentative, hysterical and said all her friends and family have been concerned for over a year about my negative influence on her! I apologised through a letter which she picked apart and twisted. She didn’t take any responsibility for her actions and has discredited to me to others, who sadly believe her because she is a convincing liar.
Dear God I’m shaking so bad right now! This is so scary I’m living it! Scared to death of this man I’m with and no way out! Please pray for me!! Im Praying for all who are going through this!
Just had the same reaction. Overwhelmingly lost.
Once we find the courage to accept the reality of inflicted abuse, it becomes all too clear.
Information and support on this site is a way to stay grounded.
Sending you comfort and strength.
All who are affected will be in my thoughts and prayers x
My N always blames my 8yr old and I for everything. The fridge being open, the baby (2yr old) crying his(8yr old) fault. Mind I say sometimes my inner self says its because he is not biologically his. And another part of me says its just him being a N. We’ve been together for 8 years, being like this for the past 3-4. A part of me wants to leave and the other hurts for my children to grow up without a dad like i did. There are good times and bad times. But him cursing at me in the store in front of others is becoming too frequent. Its breaKing me down. Any advice?
Everyone needs to realize that YOU are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t assign that to anyone else! YOU were created to have a joyous life. Don’t give anyone else permission to take that right away from you. Life is difficult but you have more strength and authority over others who treat you badly than you realize. Get to someone (a counselor, a friend or acquaintance that you look up to and can trust–anyone) who can guide you through and support you. You are never alone! I live with a situation that has been caused by a brain injury my spouse suffered. So, bad behaviors but no fault/choice in them. Through the right counselor for me, I have learned how to survive by separating the person from the disease…not everyone’s situation but I know it is possible to deal with these folks and be happy despite whatever your situation is. Good luck and God bless!
This is great for people who can work, who have physical health, for people I don’t even know of now. But this is just not true for many of us. If my long comment goes through, please read it and tell me how i can be in charge of anything. 🙁 I would so love to. Hard to when imprisoned in a house with no money, no car or driver’s license… it just isn’t the same for all of us, but I am glad you are doing OK.
All narcissists didn’t get that way because of something they couldn’t control. My dad was loved by wonderful parents, grew up in church, and treats my Mom and me like trash. If he were mentally ill, I could probably deal better.
My mom is a narcissist and won’t admit it. I’m the scapegoat in the family; that’s the job I was given. Yay! (In case you’re wondering, I was being sarcastic about being happy that I have the job of Scapegoat).
We scapegoats don’t have to accept that “job”. If you can get away from people who treat you in a way that makes you feel bitter or anything that is eventually going to damage you, even make you full blown sick? Do it! Get away.
If any narcissist were to admit it, would they still be one? 🙂 My N thinks he is “being the hero”, so I guess that makes me the damsel constantly in distress? One day, I will get away. I will just be too old and single to start the life I hoped for. I just .. sometimes I think maybe there is something for me. But usually just “Oh i get how people think they will die alone”, which is so icky – something about missing my 30 year reunion and realizing how old that makes me has been a bummer.
I being married 33 years and Iam just learning I have being married to a narcissistic all these years.It has gotten so bad the past 2/3 years.I have left the marriage at least 5 times just to repeat the same old same old..I love him very much and he swears he will change. He tells straight up lies on me he has destroyed every single sentimental belonging I have he has now started putting his hands on me..Question…Can he ever change and and is there any way I can I help him change..
Try being 48 and disabled and stuck with this father. I have never not lived in my father’s home except during University and a brief time when a friend who knew how bad it is here paid for 6 mos of an apartment for me. (We all were sure I would get Disability – if you get an incurable illness, make sure you are out of school and have worked a LOT or you can kiss Disability goodbye) One of my very few friends called to tell me about a dream recently and I could not imagine why… until he said “I dreamed that your parents keep you locked in the house. It seemed important”. It was important, and it was true.
I am an age that is embarrassing to share… I told this to a nurse at my Doctor’s office and she was not kind in response, so I keep going along with the Family Lie – that I am too sick to leave the house.
When I was first ill, following a car wreck, I was in my 20s and had NO idea this could cover 3 decades. My parents (when I say parents, I mean my father, but Mom went along with it and the abuse we suffered in my childhood, as a teen who was beyond well behaved, etc) were sooooo helpful with doing things for me, especially when people found out. Cards came to the house, I would think “Oh! A get well card!”, but it never was – there were hundreds of cards in the first year of my illness, all about how sad people were about Their Daughter but how PROUD they were of my parents for “taking such good care of me” (huh? Letting me live in the house I grew up in was not exactly sponge baths but whatever) Slowly but surely, my father stripped me of any shred of independence, of self-worth. He took parts out of my car and hid them so often, I let my license expire and have not driven in over a decade. I can’t out fight him, so he controls that. I lost my three jobs, actually was told to please come back when I got well. So no income = no health insurance. I have insurance, but it says I work for HIM. I stupidly mentioned that that seemed like insurance fraud he said I was an idiot. I need regular doctor vists and medicine, so I don’t “mouth off” about that any more.
Even my SNAP card is in one of my parents’ wallets. I have given up on policing the (I am feeling so sick, seeing all iof this and you all shouldn’t have to read it so I will hurry and finish) grocery store receipts to be sure only my food was bought with my card. My Dad Jr, my 47 year old never married, never pays for anything delight of a brother was drinking my bottled water at the house today, as usual he had THREE bottles going at once. I (again, stupidly I guess) upon noticing that there was only one bottle of my water (it’s Ozarka, I am not wasting “your tax dollars” on Evian) left, asked Dad if there was more in the garage. I was yelled at for 15 minutes about how hateful I am to my brother and “There is exactly enough for EVERYONE here!” Um, no. And that’s not the point, who opens 3 bottles of anything in someone else’s house and leaves 3 half or a third of the way full? I’m not drinking after him, he smokes and I have asthma.
I am in hell. Life was better for a few years, then my Mom got sick, which should have brought everyone together as a team – that is how I still see things, I know what is right and wrong, but it has just been this sickening opportunity to gaslight her into “needing” father more and for the deadbeat bro to “move home”. I have been so isolated for so long, unless I win some miraculous contest that can get that big ol’ check past my father (who also doesn’t allow me to apply for Disability any more. All of my mail is “accidentally” opened, so no clue how to ever get out of here)
If you can get away from an abuser, especially if it your parent? DO IT. Go now. The longer they have to think up sick mind games and how to anchor you to them? The longer you will be stuck. I hope so much for all of you – go away and build happy, healthy families. That was what I wanted more than anything. I would have been a really good Mom. And the first woman at my University to graduate with a Ministry degree. I like to think I would have been good at that too, could have done some real good in the world, in my li’l corner. Now my goals are things like “No matter what, do not yell back” and “Don’t let him make you bitter”. The friends I am in touch with, via Social Media, say that I am nice, and that helps. The thought that I could ever hurt anyone like he hurts me, still? Well, not gonna happen. People are too important to just stomp on. People need encouragement, to be cared about unconditionally, and to see grace in their day.. so that is what I try to do.
I am using a friend’s acct, my city is a very small town when it comes to who knows my parents. Please, be kind to yourselves, and don’t let your kids grow up with abuse or a narcissist for a parent – my brother is a worse one, in the “I am so important!” way when truly he is not a good man. I used to get calls constantly “Please do something about your brother! He is [insert cruddy thing he was doing] to me/my wife/my kid”. I can’t do anything about him, but I can be better than that.
Well i can certainly blame the women of today why so many of us good men are still single now since most of the women have really Changed for the Worst of all, especially the ones with their Careers. Most of the women now are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, and so very money hungry as well. These type of women are so very Pathetic altogether now since they will only want the very best of all and will never settle for less. Most women now think they’re all that which they just don’t have any respect for us men at all anymore since most of them are Real Total Losers altogether now as well. It is very extremely difficult for many of us men looking for love these days as you can see which we really have No Reason at all to blame ourselves anyway since it does take two to tango. So many very nasty women unfortunately everywhere us men go which is very obvious why many of us men Can’t meet a decent Normal woman anymore these days.
I’ve never experienced this until recently. My previous SO cheated on me and then said maybe it was because my divorce was not finalized yet and God was punishing me. Who says that? He lied for nearly two month ON A DAILY BASIS, telling us both he loved us, telling us both that he wanted a baby, bringing us both to his den of sin (he owned a home in a small secluded town), bringing us to the same restaurants, sending us both the same nude pictures of himself. And then he verbally attacked the woman he was cheating on me with for nearly 2 months, calling her crazy! She had no idea I existed, yet he blamed her and said, “I’m so glad you got me away from her, you did me a favor”. WTF. He went on to say, he behaved so disdainfully because I wasn’t giving him attention. Well perhaps because at the time, I was caring for a very ill parent? But that didn’t matter, “it was how the spending time apart made him feel”. Everything was about HIM.
He has cheated on every woman he has every been with, jumping from one woman to the next which I found out over time. He had an affair with a married woman, the foolish woman left her husband. He then hired a young secretary and had sex with her, leaving the previous and saying it was because she “threw herself on him”. He then went and said that this behavior happens ALL the time and is expected when two people of the opposite sex work together.
Other then being a cheat (this was chronic), I knew something was terribly wrong internally. His brother hated him and I believe this could be why. He was incredibly shallow, self focused and insecure.
HE LIED ALL THE TIME. Telling the truth was foreign to him. He lied so well that it was an impulsive reaction that didn’t even require thought. He craved attention like a thrown away puppy. He lived off Facebook as it fueled his ego.
Interestingly his ex wife was his Achilles heal. And I believe he loved her. She was not someone a man would ever bring home to his mother and, had an even shadier past; stealing, fraud, abuse and enjoyed performing sex in public in front of anyone (yes he participated). She cheated on him hand over fist and blamed her behavior on him. Hmmm? I think he was drawn to their dysfunctional connection as they were mirror images of the other. There was no need for him to be a better man because she and he were the same monster.
When he was in a bad mood and would snap, I would call him out on it and say that he just yelled at me for no reason. He would then reply, “stop attacking me, your judging me, your treating me like a child”. He would say I was abusive to him! I knew the conversation would go no where and would urge that we just stop. But he would go on and on and say, “why won’t you just stop arguing”. It’s was so strange.
NEVER mature enough to say I’m sorry and mean it.
He was defensive beyond belief. If you would call him out, he couldn’t even bear listening to his bad behavior. His voice would escalate, his face became a deep red mask and full of anger, not remorse. And then came the hugs and I’m sorry. He wasn’t sorry for what he had done. They were just words to deflect the situation.
We would go to the therapist and when the therapist would address his behavior he would say, ” I know, I’m such a bad guy. Sorry, I just can’t find the colorful things to say like you can. And I’m not good enough for you and you just want to change me”. And when we would get home he would swear that the counselor was talking about me! Or, he would say, “he only did that because you were complaining of, he wasn’t talking about me, he was talking about you”. I felt like I was going crazy! They are so manipulative that they almost have you believing what they say as truth.
Lying in bed with him was like sleeping with the devil.
I’m currently living with with my partner and from all that I’m reading, I’m experiencing I’m sure he is a N but I feel trapped with 3 small children and just don’t know what to do or who to turn to.
Hi Christina, at first, try to read more about Narcissism. Educate yourself on the subject so you have a decent comprehension what it is and maybe find tips and tricks how to deal with your husband. Your next step would be to talk to someone close about your feelings. Talking with someone you can trust is very important. After that I would recommend to talk to a professional. You can do this online or local, what suits your situation best. Only a professional can judge what you are dealing with and if your husband is a Narcissist or not. But in the end it does not matter if he is or is not, important is that you and your children are safe and happy. Try to make a plan how you can achieve that and again, talking to friends and professionals will help you to give clear thoughts and insights. I wish you good luck and strength.
i am the reason he is over weight and unhealthy. i buy juice and cookies. how could he not eat the cookies or drink the juice if that’s the only food that’s in the house. he has asked me numerous times to not buy this stuff, and i ignore his requests. he is going to die because of his poor health, which i am not concerned for.
Wow, that is one of the things my husband blames me for, never though I’d meet someone that knew exactly what I was talking about. I mean – it was your choice to eat an entire pizza. It seems they separate themselves from their actions, they aren’t responsible for them, either someone or something is the responsible party to their misery. My husband said “Everything bad in his life is because of me”
Omg I love you all here because I thought that I was, am the selfish one when I negatively react to ny ex N partner and feel deeply guilty and needy and everything that you all have said is how it really is.
I’m up late again trying to find out if I am insane and a narcissist…but I have realised that through reading your emotional and really agonising soul searching in your lives and finding that it’s not your fault. It’s like. I am so tired excuse me. I’m just going to say I am broken down by him. He has given me enough rope to hang myself with and I don’t want this anymore but healing myself. It’s the horrendous realisation that I have been in hell with the Devil. My faith was lost but now I feel it is true. You have healed me enough to get help to get away from him, emotionally drained almost dead. God bless you all for this.
My narc ex blamed me and was angry at me because she set her own phone to silent accidentally and missed an important call. Unbelievable. Since I ended our rollercoaster relationship she has gotten far worse. She blames me for everything. She even started telling lies, such as inventing a story about me having an inappropriate relationship with my step sister. That’s actually funny and has helped me to move on. I’ve gone no contact now as nothing positive comes from talking to her.
I’ve been married to this man for almost 39 years. I am now in my 60’s, have a bad knee and can’t hold a regular job, live on SSI since retired and I want out. I can’t take it anymore and I don’t know what to do about it. I could fill a book with the verbal abuse I’ve received over the years. Everything you have all written about on this page, has happened to me. I’m in trouble for flat everything, he never listens, tells me I never told him things, tells me I’m fat (thus no sex in 10 years…because I don’t appeal to him he says) I’m about 30 pounds over what I should be, no one thinks I’m “fat”…I gained because of him, truthfully. He stresses me to the max. I’m always in trouble…I can’t even breathe right. Does anyone have any thoughts about what I could do to get out of this? I know he’s not going to change…I’ve worked harder than I should have over the years, just trying to please him…it never worked. Now my body is taking the toll. Bad knees, ruptured disc in my neck, heartburn from stress…I’d like to know who I am before I die…I want to live alone! Thanks for any help
I understand what your going through. I just realized tonight my husband is a narcissist. We go to counseling, but I’m still blamed for everything. Your not alone in this. If you need a text/email ear I always around.
I’ve been married for 40 years! And realize I’m married to a narcissistic man blames me for everything, now he says I’m miserable all the time and I am! he has wore me down I have anxiety take tablets and feel really low.
Hi Mary. I am in a very, very dark place. I just left my narcissist fiancé and if it doesn’t kill me, I just don’t know that I can make it to the other side. I don’t know why I am writing a stranger. I just saw your words about being around for an email. I’m sorry for the strange message.
This is crazy. This explains everything I am going through. My wife has faked pregnancies and possibly cancer. When caught she blamed me for putting her under too much stress. She refuses to work and when there isn’t enough money for something she wants I am called a loser. Just tonight I found a large kitchen knife under her mattress and she turned it on me for looking under the mattress.
My mother has blamed me since I was a small child for anything and everything. Sometimes she will fabricate an event so she has an excuse to accuse me. This can be something seemingly insignificant, for example she will say that one of her keys are missing and ask me if I have taken it. If I say I didn’t do it, she will not accept my answer, instead she will continue to accuse me of having taken it. She will become progressively more agitated and angry until she flies into a rage. If I try to defend myself, it will escalate further, and she will blame me for causing a scene when she just wants to do d out what happened to her key. It causes me significant distress, at no point does she consider how hurt I feel at her behaviour towards me.
i am marriage to a narcissist for 23 years and i just want to know how to get out of this marriage because i am tried of all ways been blaming me for everything and i just want a normal life without been blaming for everything that is not right in someone else life and i have a child and i know that my child doesn’t need around some one like that so what step i need to take to get out thank you
I’ve been dealing with my brother for decades. The last 3 years have been extremely upsetting. My mom, up until then was healthy and needed little help. My mom was paying all of my brother’s bills, he did nothing for her, except to call every few weeks to complain about his life and ask for more money. My brother “borrowed” money from everyone in the family. We all knew never to mention what he owed, because he would flip out that we had the nerve to ask for it back. Mom has been through several surgeries and hospital stays. He has tried everything to get me and mom’s sister to stay away from mom. He want her money to keep flowing to him. I knew she bought him his house and paid for some of his bills. I was clueless she paid for everything and was out of money. I closed the credit card she paid for him and took his name off the bank account he had his name on with her. He was draining that account monthly, her pension check was deposited there. The day he realized I’d done that, he told me I had ruined his life. He told me he would kill my husband and call the government and tell them every terrible lie he could think of if I didn’t change it back. I told him I could not, Mom was out of money. I told him he had to get a job, he told me it was my fault he didn’t have money, he insisted on selling the house she bought, said he’d give her a big nest egg, he gave her nothing and the house was resold for $80,000.00 more 5 weeks later. And I’m stupid? A week later my mom turned 85 and I had a family party for her, he called to ask what “WE” were doing for her birthday, I told him I was having a party, he could do whatever he wanted. He told me he should be there for our party, I told him those days were over. He told me I was the worst sister ever. He didn’t visit her at the hospital, he hasn’t helped once, but he has screamed many times I’ve screwed up her house and I’m spending her money. I bought, with my money, a new dishwasher, dryer, microwave, carpet, etc. all were not working or in bad shape. He told me she hates her house now. Not sure how he knows, he hasn’t seen her for a whole year. That’s the last time he was there to scream how horrible everything was being handled. He told me I was stupid and he had no clue why I was at mom’s every day. She hates me and me being there. I am the reason he can’t see her? I’m the reason he’s depressed? I’ve wrecked the family because we are the only two siblings and I haven’t been part of the family since I married, had kids and grandkids?
I’m getting alot of this from my 20 yr old son ,his father spoiled him ,never let him be accountable, never punished, I was jumped on when I did punish, so long story short , when ever I’m around my son ,he picks at me and starts an argument, within 5 min of being in same room, he screams and yells at me ,cussing me , I’m always starting something with him , so he says ,everything bad happens it’s my fault ,my fault he didn’t stay in college my fault he did get to ply basketball, and so on ,I’m the only one thr for him now his dad does nothing, I have to deal with what I think he caused, I do everything I can when he needs me ,even though it ends up in a screaming match cause he want shut up ,and takes stupid things and turns it in to ,a huge argument, no family wants to be around him ,very few friends ,cause he is a smart mouth, idk what to do ,do I just let him take care of his self ,and stay away help
We are all victims. It is one of the most cruel things anyone can live through. My husband is a narcissist, as was his mother and maybe her mother. I have 2 children who are narcissists and one who is schizophrenic. My life is hell. My husband blames me for everything that happens and mostly stupid things. Why do they concentrate on stupid things and do nothing about very major problems. Whatever it is, it’s my fault. I have been married to him for 47 years and I guess most people won’t believe this, but he has gotten better since there are no children at home. He slips back when the grandchildren come, but has learnt to keep his mouth shut or deal with me. My 2 adult children blame me for everything that happens in their life. My daughter just kicked her husband out after 14 years of marriage and left him bankrupt. She put everything in her name somehow (they are good at that sort of thing), but says it was because of the bad marriage she did it and for the childrens’ sake. Her marriage breakup was my fault, I’ve still yet to work that one out. She is now living with a bloke who ha so many issues, probably narcissistic too I think. She won’t let me see my grand daughter as I’m a psycho???????? Not sure how I got that name either. My oldest son has been abusive to me for 35 years and for all of that time. my husband blamed me????? Somehow how has finally realised, that it was him who has a problem. He is out of our lives now and it’s given me some peace. But now my daughter is doing exactly the same thing. I wish I could move away somewhere to get away from all this, but because of our other son I am stuck here. He needs our support constantly. I don’t wonder why I want to get it over with 3 or 4 times a week, I know. But I am a strong person and I will not move just for their benifit. We have our 3 grandsons living with us ho are amazing young men. I will stay strong for them.
I grew up with an expert Narcissist. They will suck the life out of you. Prevent you from living. It’s better to just get away and live your life. Drop them like the DEAD weight they are. They will use you, emotionally black mail you, manipulate your life, you feelings, and they are oblivious to anything except themselves. They are the most detestable people. They will slowly kill you. GET AWAY.
WOW!!! I just burst into tears at just the start of reading into this, My first time that alarm bells should of been signally to run for my life, when 2 girlfriends came over and asked if I wanted to go out for a couple of drinks on a Wednesday night, yes I had work the next morning but was only a couple, I turned to him and said is that ok and of course he smiles says yes, I lean over the lounge to kiss him good bye and he replies back ” I’m just going to smile and make you think I’m happy but when I leave you for someone that makes me happy you’ll know why” plus by 2 yrs later I fall pregnant is when it starts turning verbally abusive you can imagine, being heartbroken by the response it’s not mine get rid of it, 3 days after my daughter’s birth it becomes violent, all because none of us were part of his 5year plan, good job, buy a house meet a nice girl start a family, now everything is worse it’s been 17yrs 1 kid we have together from a previous relationship and 3 that we have together, nothing I say or that I do makes a difference, I’m isolated from my family now have no friends because if things he admits to then denies, I’m right where he wants me, I’m depressed scared alone and so very lost, he’s never going to change is he, who’s going to survive the relationship me or him…
I have been blamed for the drinking, walking out on me and the kids, the cheating, the abuse, losing his job. Every fucking thing that goes wrong is my fault!! Him talking to so disrespectful in front of the kids, leaving me to take care of myself and the kids after multiple surgerys. Walking out of the hospital before my surgery and having our kids. I’m tired!! I think that i did my duty as a wife. I’m not a punching bag. So many things that i can not name on here. My family walking away because of him. I’m all kinds of bitches and whores and being threatened to fuck our lives up. I’m disabled what can i do?? Just had to get it out. Thanks.
My heart breaks for you. I left my abusive spouse after years of abuse. I was terrified. He beat me down so much that the only way I got out was searching for local resources and shelters for victims of domestic violence (and clearing my cashe, cookies, and browsing history afterward). They provided me with everything when I had nothing. I didn’t have money, strength, or a driver’s license to even prove my identity. They took care of everything and helped me see that everything was not my fault when I believed it was for so long.
I wish this author would leave out the gender word “her”, as she’s obviously referring to a woman (perhaps mother, daughter, sister etc) in her text…
I would prefer to pass this article on to others but feel they may not grasp the message believing its gender referenced… as a “she”…By omitting “she” & using “they” one whose issue is w/a man or a woman can better relate…
Yep! All my fault we were together ❤ on off up down in our his ex’s daughter in law shows up 7 year’s ago!! Yippie full blown affair on my expense.. & the death of his only son hanging himself!! All, my fault I am so pissed! He keeps saying the year’s I wasted being with you!! How about the last 7 year’s?? That doesn’t count he’s going back to 1998-2011… So, abusive.. Some of us made it out alive.. Some didn’t. Time heals I’m not where I need to be but, I’m not where I used to be
My husband told me he hated my guts on the way to a concert. I went to that concert alone, I left him at home. It made him furious but I was not going with someone that said that to me. He said that he didn’t pay attention to what I said at dinner because I babble so he would rather pay attention to other peoples conversations. He was very hurtful. Time has passed and it was time for Christmas and I bought him a tv he wanted, a pair a ugg houseshoes, and 6 shirts. He got me nothing. My feelings were so hurt. I said something to him about 4 days after Christmas. He said he didn’t care my feelings were hurt that is where he was at. He told me how he felt. However, we have had sex and he has said nothing. I told him this. He said he wants sex. I told him that he had a problem and he always says his problem is me and all my bullshit. I don’t bother him. He is OCD. He has a fit if I am in the bathroom trying to get ready if he is in there. This is a big bathroom with a double sink. I purposely let him get ready and then I went in to get ready. I just got out of the shower and was drying off and he came in there and said are you going to pick up that mat? It made me furious because I was still standing on it drying off. I didn’t bother him and he was bothering me. He began with you always leave it on the floor and never pick it up which I do. Then he said don’t scream and followed it with I don’t want to hear it. Nothing makes me madder than starting something and telling me I don’t want to hear it. I do talk loud and he is forever telling me to stop yelling. I told him u would know if I was yelling. I had to leave one afternoon and I was letting him know I was leaving and I couldn’t find him in the yard and so I was calling for him and he got mad because I was calling for him and said stop yelling you should have called me on the phone. How stupid is that!!!! Now I ask you am I crazy or should I be upset from some of these things. I even made plans for a wonderful Hawaii vacation and he immediately started threatening me with not going at the very beginning of the year. I point blank told him don’t start that crap I am not going to listen to it all summer go don’t go I don’t care I am going. He never said another word. I have another vacation paid for Alaska and he said he is not going with me. I am losing my mind. I am so unhappy.
Well, I just read the article and the comments and felt I had to share my experience. I work 11 hours per day, 6 days a week, from 6am to 5pm, I am the only bread winner of the family and when I come home I do a fair share of chores everyday. I always find time for the kids and my wife even after all this daily process, yet not only I never find appreciation, but I am always to blame for everything, yelled at, cursed, disrespected and demeaned. I am always being told that I do nothing (!!!) besides slowing her down, she always compares me to her exes and male friends and everything I do is always bad or not enough. I am not allowed to be the father I want to be because I am always to blame even when my kids misbehave. Even when the circumstances allow me to confront her right then and there she always finds a way to blame me and make herself the victim. I even stopped working as a teacher because there were many female colleagues and she always said I would cheat on her. I rarely meet my friends, last time was months ago, because she would always argue that they are bad influence on me. I don’t want to end the marriage, because I don’t want my daughters to grow up without a dad but I really suffer in this relationship. I feel like my life is sucked out of me and really trapped isnide this. I promised my self that I will leave as soon as my youngest grows up, enough to understand what is going on, so that she won’t hate me, but I don’t know if I can pull this one out. So is she a N or is it something worse?
Hi Val, thank you for sharing your story here.The blaming game goes beyond Narcissism. It is impossible to say someone is a Narcissist by a story alone. But the bigger question is if you want to keep thongs how they are or change them. To me it seems like you want change but you dont have the answers how to do it. Or maybe you do but you are afraid for the consequences. I would advise you to talk to a specialist in abusive relationships and see if she can help you order your problems and options.I wish you good things and hope you will find your answers soon cause your situation seems very painful.
Didn’t need the trigger for the graphic abuse…but otherwise yes…
This is so dead on to my husbands behavior, I wish I had known before marrying him. I can’t continue to live my life like this or for the rest of my life be subjected to this behavior.
Hi,
My husband a really nice man to people out there however…at times when an argument starts…he always starts it. For example, the other day I needed to go shopping and wasnt feeling well and I kindly asked him to help me get some food. He angrily snapped at me and told me to go myself. I got dressed, pushing myself and went to the car. He came after me and told me not to drive the car and threaten me. Confused I wanted to know why because I was very hungry. He became so rude and told me not to enter the car. I gave him the key and got really upset..we got into an argument that didnt need to happen if he had just gone shopping. After the argument he has been extremely difficult, insulting me and not speaking to me for two days. I have approached him several times to make peace with him but he keeps storming out of the room saying everything was my fault. I’m left hurt, fed up and confused as he started the whole thing. I don’t know if its emotional blackmail but he does this everytime and doesnt care how I feel. I’m coming to the point where I believe his behaviour is a serious problem. I’m tired of walking on egg shells and I truly dont know how to manage his behaviour and remain happy in the marriage.
My boyfriend is this I have put up with this for 6 years I work as a carer and he tells me I am sleeping with men for money and the carer is a cover up cos he saw this on the tv a girl dressed as a nurse/carer and she was doing this everything in the world he blames me for he sits and watching the tv and has his digs all the time I am not aloud to have friend he tells me all my friends have said nasty thing to him about me every day it’s something else I can’t do any thing right anymore I am sick of trying if someone says they have a pal a boy or girl by the end of the night he is staying I have been with them I can’t wear anything nice but he has a go I can’t do my hair and cos I don’t do this he moans at me when I wear some thing he tells me I am not wearing it right and tell me I should pull the dress up a bit or I should wear just a top and I should dress sexy so all his pals will be wow I can’t do this never have or he moans at me for having a bath all the time he moans at me for going shopping with a friend and says people only spend time with people if you want to sleep with them he always has his pals in the house I can’t even touch my phone or he goes of on one I can’t eat what I want but says I only eat this cos his pals eats this when ever someone is there he starts and it’s not nice and in front of his sisters he says things hoping she will have a go at me but she has a go at him I can’t cook right I don’t do the housework right I don’t talk to people right when we go on holiday he has to be number 1 and he is looking at every girl I have to look at the sky or the ground after reading this I am leaving him he is the one to blame for all the things he blames me for his daughters and his pals have told me he has alway went behind his partners back with other people and there are on my side but I don’t care who is on my side I am sick of the way he is with me I don’t love him anymore I have to leave him he is the nastiest person I have ever meet him and his pals alway come 1st in his life like this morning I am not working today and I wrote him up fir work and I got it tight and then 15 mins later the door goes and it’s his work mate and he starts having a go at me where is this and that and saying it’s my fault he has to work he tries to say now he is having to work to give me back the money he used that my mum left me he has been doing this since 2016 so he talk rubbish as he could have had it all put back in the bank by now and he not paid a penny yet he has a go at me for the way I sit at one point I did not want to live but now I say no he is the one to blame he treats woman like dirt done this all his life he says nasty things about carer’s cos I am one but for go go dancers or people that make blue films or people that go with people for money is cool and he says they are real people I am fake
Eight years with a highly malignant narcissist for a neighbour bullying me, gaslighting and blaming me for all of his toxic abuse. Sought a restraining order against me and had other neighbours slander me too. I’m still a neurotic mess after almost 5 years of not being in his vicinity. I obsessively ruminate, defend – it’s all due to having no power and no control. The most brutal was being attacked with lies (not just violence and repeated threats) and after a court appearance (the revenge retraining order – which he didn’t get) he blamed me for something utterly trivial accusing me of being as liar. The invalidation, being denounced and discredit at every opportunity has severely impacted on my mental health. He even attacked my role as a father twice, something I’d never do to another. Has me spending years obsessively note-taking to try to relieve the discomfort, but that’s borderline OCD so I’m trying to stop that. My father was a narcissist, and I was the scapegoat for his bullying and blame, hence I was predisposed to being a victim as much as I want to be free of this torture. Therapy and meds haven’t helped me much. I never knew what a narcissist was and only found out after moving away, if only I’d known, no-one educated me and I didn’t educate myself. Every day is the same struggle. I try to meditate, do tapping etc but my mind is still a mess. Anyone has any good advise please do get in touch.