Marriage should be a partnership, a union of mutual respect, love, and support.
However, when you’re married to a narcissistic husband, it can feel more like a daily battle.
The constant bullying, demeaning comments, and unsettling power dynamics can make you feel less like a spouse and more like a defenseless child.
So why do narcissistic husbands behave this way? The answer lies deep within a complex matrix of control, superiority complex, and manipulation, creating an emotional battlefield ripe for their bullying tactics.
In this article, we unravel the twisted psyche of narcissistic husbands– why they exert control, act superior, degrade others, drum up fear, and resort to manipulation.
Each section offers insights into their behavioral patterns, providing you with a clearer understanding of what you’re up against.
As we explore these hidden dynamics, we’ll arm you with coping strategies tailored to each troubling behavior, lightening your load as you tread through this challenging journey.
Why Does a Narcissist Treat You Like a Child?
Do you ever feel like your narcissistic spouse treats you like a little kid? Wonder why?
Let’s explore the reasons behind this twisted game of ‘parent and child’ narcissists love to play.
1. The Puppet Masters
Narcissists are like puppet masters. They love being in control. Treating you like a child is their way of pulling the strings – turning you into a puppet that dances to their every whim.
2. Mr. Know-it-all
Narcissists have a giant “I’m better than you” sticker stuck on their foreheads. They want you to see just how smart and important they are, towering over your choices, making theirs seem like the only right decisions.
3. Miniature World of Belittlement
Ever feel like you’re Alice in the narcissist’s Wonderland, struggling to be heard? That’s them playing their belittlement game. They love to pretend your feelings are trivial, all to make you depend on them more.
4. Empathy? What’s That?
Narcissists often miss basic empathy lessons – they’re not great at getting what others feel. The result? They end up treating everyone else, you included, like kids who don’t know better.
5. Scaredy Cats in Disguise
Behind all that confident facade, narcissists are often pretty insecure. They’re afraid of being overshadowed or abandoned. So, they keep you as close as a kid clinging to their parent, ensuring they’re never left alone.
Remember, recognizing these behaviors is the first step to breaking free from the chains of a narcissistic relationship.
If you’re feeling like the ‘child’ in an imposed ‘parent-child’ relationship with your husband, stay tuned for tips on coping below this article.
Why are Narcissistic Husbands such a bully?
Ever feel like you’re pulling the short straw in your marriage, always at the receiving end of relentless bullying from your narcissistic husband?
Let’s unravel why narcissistic husbands turn into the playground bullies we all dread:
1. The Control Freaks
Just as bullies on the school playground rule the roost, narcissists, too, want to dominate their surroundings. And the sad truth? Bullying is their go-to strategy to keep their power games strong.
2. Can’t Feel Your Pain
It’s hard to fathom, but narcissists miss the empathy train. Not grasping how their hurtful actions affect you, they continue on their bullying spree, oblivious to the emotional wounds they’re inflicting.
3. King of the Hill
Being the ‘best’ is a narcissist’s magic potion. Their sense of entitlement wave is sky-high, and bullying becomes their ladder to appear taller than the rest of the world.
4. The Fearful Lions
Inside, every narcissist is a little cub, scared and unsure. Fearing criticism or rejection, they wear the mask of a scary, bullying lion to keep their fears hidden and maintain their ‘tough’ image.
5. Master of Puppets
Sadly, narcissists are quite the puppeteers. They pull the bullying strings, manipulating those around them into submission or to fulfill their demands.
Living with a bully isn’t only tough – it’s exhausting. But remember, you’re not alone.
Setting boundaries, seeking help, and considering therapy can be your power tools to navigate this daunting journey. And right here, we’ll walk with you every step of the way.
Why Does a Narcissist Husband Always Threaten With Divorce?
Feel like you’re walking on eggshells, dreading the ‘D’ word that your narcissistic husband keeps dishing out? Let’s dissect why these husbands love waving the divorce card in your face:
1. The Power Card
Bringing up divorce isn’t always about ending the marriage; sometimes, it’s a sneaky power play. Narcissists love this card – it’s their trump to keep you off-balance and insecure, keeping their control intact.
2. Fishing For Feelings
Narcissistic husbands are brilliant anglers – casting out a divorce threat to catch a flood of emotions. They reel in your feelings of fear and desperation, again basking in the spotlight.
3. ‘My Way or Highway’
Disagree with a narcissist? You might hear the dreaded ‘D’ word. These husbands use the threat of divorce like a steaming cup of punishment when you dare to defy their rules.
4. Dodge the Bond
Narcissists aren’t champions at fostering deep emotional connections. So, they wave the divorce flag, creating a smokescreen to cover up their emotional shortcomings and avoid intimacy.
5. Shield Up!
Narcissists are like knights in fragile armor — extremely sensitive to criticism. And what’s their version of a spiky shield? You guessed it – threatening divorce to fend off threats to their ego.
Living with these threats can be an emotional rollercoaster. Remember, you’re not alone – seek supportive friends, establish boundaries, and consider professional help can be your lifeboat in this stormy sea. We’re right here, ready to toss you a lifeline whenever needed.
Why Does my Narcissist husband call ME a Narcissist?
Your narcissistic husband called you a narcissist, and you’re left wondering why?
It’s a classic game narcissists play. Here’s why they might be pointing the narcissism finger at you:
1. The Projection Game
Imagine your husband as a movie projector and his narcissism as the film. Instead of playing the film on his own screen, he directs it onto yours.
This clever trick helps him avoid confronting his own failings while making you the ‘star’ of his narcissistic show.
2. Mastering Manipulation
Your narcissistic husband might be playing a round of ‘blame-the-other’. Tagging you as a narcissist can be a twisty tactic to make you second guess yourself or justify his own selfish actions.
3. Smoke and Mirrors
A narcissist is an expert magician, making their problems disappear with a wave of the ‘you’re-the-narcissist’ wand.
It’s a clever way to steer attention away from their behaviors while confusing you.
4. The Victim Card
Ever notice how often your husband loves to play the victim?
By painting you as the narcissist, he gets to don the victim cape, letting him reign over the relationship while portraying you as the ‘bad guy’.
Don’t let these tactics pull you down. When dealing with a narcissist, remember, their words often speak volumes about their issues rather than yours.
Seek support and hold onto your truth because this ride can get bumpy, but trust me, you’ve got this!
When Your Narcissistic Husband Tries to Turn Your Family Against You
Does it feel like your narcissistic husband is playing a twisted game of ‘divide and conquer’ with your family?
Let’s shine a torch on the shadows and explore why they do this:
1. The Puppeteers of Control
Alienating you from your family is a sly way for narcissists to control you. With your cheering squad out of sight, you’re more likely to dance to their strings – exactly what they want!
2. Smearing the Canvas
Ever felt like the Narcissist is painting the wrong picture of you?
Often, they run smear campaigns, babbling negative or twisted tales about you to the family.
Their goal? Undermine your credibility and make their bad behavior seem invisible.
3. Playing the Hurt Puppy
Narcissists love the sympathy card. They’ll convince your family they’re the wronged, hurting puppy, pushing you further into isolation while they soak in all the undeserved sympathy.
4. Tug of Power
The more alone you feel, the greater the narcissist’s power over you. Their divide-and-conquer tactic with your family tilts the seesaw of power solely in their favor.
5. Master of Diversion
Turning your family against you is like a magician’s trick that keeps everyone looking in the wrong direction.
Instead of focusing on the narcissist’s behavior, your family scrutinizes yours!
So, what’s next? How do you handle this tricky situation?
1. Keep Calm and Talk
Try having an individual heart-to-heart with your family members – tell your side of the story without flaring up.
They might not jump to your side immediately, but it’s a step toward planting a seed of truth.
2. Don’t Show Your Cards
When talking to your family (or your husband), keep your emotions in check. The less you react visibly, the fewer sparks there are for a flame war.
3. Call in the Professionals
Therapists can play a huge role here. They’re the neutral space you need to vent your frustrations, and they can equip you with techniques to tackle this manipulation head-on.
4. Gather Your Army
Surround yourself with supportive friends, join a group with similar experiences, or find solace in online communities. This alternate support system can help cushion your emotional struggles.
5. Draw the Line
Don’t let yourself be a doormat. Make it clear to your husband that certain behaviors won’t be tolerated, including manipulative games with your family.
6. Look, Learn, Listen
Encourage your family to learn more about narcissistic behaviors. A little knowledge could potentially help them spot manipulative tactics sooner.
7. Group Therapy, Maybe?
If your family is open-minded, consider group therapy sessions. A professional mediator can ensure everyone is heard, promoting understanding and resolution.
Remember, confronting emotional manipulation can be a rocky road, but there’s always professional help and community support.
You’re not alone in this, and it’s okay to ask for help!
When Your Narcissistic Husband Ruins Special Occasions
Does it feel like your narcissistic husband morphs into the ultimate party pooper every time a special day rolls around? So why do they seem hell-bent on raining on your parade?
1. The Spotlight Olympics
Narcissists and the spotlight? They’re inseparable. Stealing the limelight from anyone, even on their special day, is their game plan, with chaos and drama as their favorite tools.
2. The Control Freaks at Play
Imagine a puppeteer pulling the strings during your celebration, twisting the day’s joy around him.
That’s a narcissist wielding the control baton, turning your special occasion into ‘The Narcissist Show’.
3. Green-eyed Monsters
Envy and jealousy can be a narcissist’s constant companions. If your special moments invite praise or attention, these green-eyed monsters prompt them to destroy what they can’t tolerate – someone else being the center of attraction.
4. Empathy Drought
Connecting with another’s happiness isn’t a narcissist’s strong suit. They bulldoze over your celebratory emotions simply because the joy buzzing in the air doesn’t resonate with them.
5. Emotional Whirlpool
Creating a whirlpool of drama during your special moments allows their emotions to suck you in – reinforcing their role as the ‘main event’.
But remember, if your husband displays such behaviors regularly, it might be emotional abuse. Look around and lean onto your support network, and don’t shy away from seeking professional help. Together, we can get you through these party-poop storms, promise!
How To Deal With a Narcissistic Husband?
Taking on the challenges of living with a narcissistic husband is undoubtedly tricky.
This has been my area of focus for many years now, and I believe that every person has the strength to face this task. Here’s the advice I would offer based on years of experience:
Take Care of Yourself
Firstly, take care of yourself. A fundamental step in navigating any problematic relationship, particularly with a narcissist, is self-care.
It’s crucial to look after both your mental and physical health. This might involve taking time each day to do something that you enjoy, or that helps you unwind.
It could be reading a book, walking, meditating, painting – anything that replenishes your spirit.
Educate Yourself
Secondly, I suggest you educate yourself about narcissism. Understanding this personality disorder can help you deal with the challenging behaviors of a narcissistic husband more effectively.
Read reputable sources ( like this website), join support groups, or talk to mental health professionals.
Set Boundaries
Boundaries are also crucial. From my experience, setting and maintaining boundaries is vital for managing life with a narcissist. Boundaries protect you and your emotional health.
They clearly define what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t and help stop perpetuating damaging patterns.
Professional Help
Then, consider seeking professional help. Therapists who are knowledgeable about narcissistic behavior can provide valuable insights and coping strategies.
They can also provide a safe space to express your feelings and concerns.
Believe in Yourself
I would also advise you to be patient with yourself. It’s important to remember that you do not need all the answers and that feeling confused, frustrated, or hurt is okay.
Be gentle with yourself, respect your feelings, and give yourself time.
Resilience
Lastly, and most importantly, believe in your resilience. Walking through this challenging journey can make you feel vulnerable, but remember you’re stronger than you think.
You can rebuild your resilience and rediscover your joy one day at a time. You are not alone in this. Never forget that.
Thank you for this article. It is really helpful to have some pointers on how to make it work. It is tough, but love is tough. I have come to see that I need to be clear about what I need to do, and then just do it. Stop trying to change him, and change myself instead. Thinking in terms of him having a disorder or disabiluty rather than being difficult on purpose is helpful as well.
Hi, i have a friend whom i think is going through this. I want to help him and his family, his behaviour is like he does not communicate with ppl at home, lives a very scheduled life and has a drinking problem too. He does not understand how to behave when in the company with friends. Please help
Hi I married my husband at 40 all my single friends were so jellous of this devoted suitor. I thought I was marrying my soul mate we dated20 years before and I knew it ended when he saw me find cracks in his armor and he was interested in someone else after being crazy about me. The day before we married I experienced the first of many violent outbursts pointed at me and my bad behavior, reckless nature. Need for more of him than he could give. The first outburst was him getting upset that he couldn’t make the music at the wedding right for me. I was too needy. Didn’t know what I wanted. My siesta instinct after the first attack ws to to not marry at all. But I was so happy. I have spent two years pushing my friends and family away while he has shown displeasure with me his children my family. He really has no need for his own. I’m so lonly and broken. I think about suicide a lot and can’t imagine the shame of letting everyone know what a fake life I’ve been living. I’m scared a the time no he even gets mad when I beg him not to get mad at me. I think he is reaching out to get validation frim other women and it kills me. I don’t have any self esteem j don’t know how it could be better or how I could get out.
Dear Pernella
You are afraid of the unknown-can I support myself-do you have children-think of there well being- Can I walk away without getting hurt-the list gone on-Yes you can-after 20 yrs. Did you know him-be honest with yourself-then you married him-Sometimes we are blind and then we see-is this the life I want to live -No one can answer that but you-don’t be the one that walk around soulless and never heard from-don’t give up who you are-just to be with some one that doesn’t give you what you need to grow and love-people like that are users-they would take your last breath to save themselves. tell you, will you are dieing you didn’t need it.
Don’t wander or worry about what other will think-it not about them-it all about you and what you need to be stronger. Let it be about you for once.It wasn’t a fake live – it was a nightmare maybe-abuse life- one sided live- Fake is the wrong word to use-you have to rebuild your self esteem- rebuild you life and have a live the way you want-it no crime being alone -loneliness is just a state of mind-that you can change-do something you love-cooking class-yoga-the list is endless – all you have to do is put one feet in front of the other and go-if you fail get up and try again. The answer to your question is time-How much more time are you giving away.Don’t give no more then you are welling to loses and never miss it. There no shame to give up something that you don’t need-It’s your live-Believe me -He knows his live is more important then yours. Wake up and put your big girl pansy on and do the work-it there for the taking-bet he does- Sorry I seem mean and rude and heartless-for I can,t leave and here I sit – with my eyes wide open-I am free-
You didn’t leave? I’m such a mess cuz I’m 99% sure my husband has this. I’ve been miserable a long x. I leave but always come back to this dying life
I am in a similar situation. Didn’t know what was going on but my husband of 1 year has these same behaviors. NOTHING I do is right. Don’t know how to be a wife says I don’t try. Tells me what I need to wear. How to cook the right way. Not to talk to people no friends, the cell phone ringer has to be off. I cant visit my daughter have to be home at night. The list goes on. I love him but it is hard to live with him. Scared every day living on egg shells.
I left feel so much better. But I do love him. Blood pressure was sky high . Felt like I was in prison. This article helped me so much. Don’t think he thinks nothing is wrong with him. Always has a reason why he does what he does.
Pernella, I worried about the shame of leaving my narcissistic husband, and I didn’t. I soooo regret it. And I am not in touch with any of the people I was so concerned about! My Dad has passed away, friends moved to other parts of the country, and I was stuck with Mr. Angry. He was awful to my son from my first marriage, never wanted to hang out with friends other than his immediate family, made it hard for me to see my Dad…I am glad to be rid of him now!
wow sounds like my situation. I don’t know how much longer I can keep apologizing for things I am not responsible for
I have been with my man for 8 years at first he was wonderful bought flowers for me every week at the beginning. We had rows and made up. Then about 9 months ago probably longer he changed. He was out all the time not telling me who what and where he was. I was stuck with a life of being at home all the time on my own While he did what he wanted. When he came home he ignored me and had no intrest in me or my life. He was constantly on his phone. And expected sex after ignoring me all night. 5 days we had a row and he stood up and said we were through. I calmly told him to be out by the weekend. By Monday he was gone. He did not contact me at all. Until 4 days later acting as though nothing had happened. I showed no emotions and didn’t whimper to him. It took all the control I had. I told him I wanted all his stuff out my this weekend. As far as I am concerned we are over. This is actually killing me inside. What is keeping me going is thinking of how my life has been and that I don’t want it anymore. And thinking how much worse it could be. I sit and think what did he do for me and why do I love him? The answer is I don’t know!!! I did everything he wanted and still he wasn’t happy.
If you find an opening to leave this life take it with both hands. Find the strength within yourself and act as calmly as possible with no emotions towards this bully. Call their bluff if they dramatically tell you they are going and pack their stuff let them they are after a reaction from you. See this as an opening g and deal only by phone. Trust me you need to be ready for the ache and pain in your heart but think you are emotionally healing yourself from within.
Sorry this is so long. I hope this helps someone out there.
Rim, wow I’m really impressed with your strength and ability to do what is right for yourself.
I know, not showing any emotion was hard. That’s what I do& have learned to do. Going ” grey rock ”
Your response really helped thank you????.
I am about to visit with my sis and niece for 2wks. I am anxious I am going 2b loved, respected, never told 2shut up. There will be no fighting.I have lost ALL hope Unable 2 find work 4 3 yrs now (knee injury etc) I have been isolated 4 that long. I am beginning 2 believe him that I’m crazy. My only op. 4escape is commit to a mental health place then “transitional housing.” I so love my home, everything in it is mine. I am terrified. Have NOfriends, nobody, but thanks 4saying there will b pain. I am 55. Starting over will suck! Do ya really believe I will b happier? Then again although he calls me useless, worthless etc I stupidly feel sorry 4him. I am a Christian (unworthy) but should trust God? I believe I will lose my mind if I stay. He is sooooo freaking mean. No kids. Alone, terrified! (sis cannot take in.) Hubby gets health ins, but not 4 me. Have made 4 arrangements to get insured, but he’s blown it off (his money – like buying hay 4 a dead horse. ) Have idea where I’m going 2 go. Would seriously like 2 die right now. Will spend a glorious 10dys, will come back – have nowhe4e 2go. Sure I sound pathetic…anyway, thank you – Lori
Thank you for your letter. You described the person I have been “married” to for almost 3 years. I did not know what Narcissitic personality was until my counselor suggested it one day as I was discussing my marriage. I have gone through so many ups and downs, more downs, with this man. On top of all of this, he has a drinking problem. He had trouble keeping jobs, because of his “diva” attitude, was lazy and i took care of the majority of the bills including rent. I have a college degree and so does he, but that does not preclude the lack of self-care or self esteem I had. He rarely took me out, except whenever his cousin and his wife wanted to do something. I obliged sometimes, but his cousin’s wife and I didn’t have a lot in common.
Recently, he received a DUI and is now going through the court system and breathalyzer to resolve it.
Of course, he blames everyone else for his problem.There was rarely intimacy in the relationship. Towards the end,it was like being roommates, except I was paying the rent! One day, I came home and he was gone. Only a note saying where the house key was. For the next day or so, I heard nothing. Now, he is texting me telling me how evil I was and destroyed him. How he paid bills all the time, which is far from the truth. I think he is delusional. I don’t want him back. My life was miserable. It is just now, reading this article and reading about everyone’s experiences that I realized what I was in. And what a gift has been handed to me of him leaving.
Please… anyone who finds themselves in this situation, find a way to get out of it.. Loneliness with someone is far worse than being alone without someone. Believe that!
Amen!!!! I been going through same shit for yrs. I’m so sick & confused.
you rock girl!!!!!
THANK YOU RLM! I’M IN THIS TYPE OF MARRIAGE RIGHT NOW. CHARMING, CHARASMIATIC, HANDSOME, TALL, YOUNG, CAN BE FUN, LOVING ANDTHAT DARK SIDE. HE’S ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE, CONTINUES TO BE VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSE, HAS BEEN PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE (FORCED SEX THE NIGHT HE CHOKED ME), BUT HE’D LIKE TO REFER TO IT AS PHYSICAL ALTERATION BECAUSE OF HIS TWISTED WAY OF THINKING. HE’S CHEATED SEVERAL TIMES; BROUGHT 2 WOMEN TO MY HOME IN MY BED. HAS TO HAVE THE NEWEST NIKE AIR JORDANS, FANCY CARS, JEWELYRY, ETC. AND CANNOT AFFORD THOSE THINGS WITHOUT ME SUPPORTING HIM TO DO ALL THIS ON HIS SMALL SALARY. MEANWHILE I STILL HAVE A BROKEN WASHING MACHINE, EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT WHEN HE’S ANGRY. CONSTANTLY SAYS I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY FEELINGS!! HE SAYS I SHOULD KNOW HIS TRIGGER POINTS. ALL THE WHILE, I’M THINKING I MUST BE REALLY THAT CRAZY. I MEAN I HAVE MY SHARE OF ISSUES AND MOSTLY HEALED, BUT STILL, HE ASKS HAVE YOU EVER HAD A PSYCHOLOGICAL EXAM? I WAS SO CONFUSED AND TORN FOR SO LONG UNTIL I STARTED RESEARCHING HIS BEHAVIOR AND MY GOD, AM THANKFUL FOR CLARITY AND UNDERSTANDING. AM READING WHY DOES HE DO THAT BY LUNDY BANCROFT AND THIS ALSO HAS BEEN GIVING ME THE ANSWERS I’VE BEEN DESPERATELY SEEKING.
Wow! Until researching narcisism, I felt like I was the one with the problem. I’m not. My husband of 3 years has been lying to me the entire time we’ve known each other. The first time I confronted him, he lied to me. I have spoken with family members and friends of his about my concerns and I am told that hats just the way he is and always has been. He lies about everything! He makes himself out to be the absolute beat at everything, but can’t do anything! I have been paying every single bill in the house for 3 years. He had not worked at all in 2 years, until recently. And even when he got a job, he found the easiest job for the shortest amount of time possible (just to get me off his back). I am at my breaking point now. I am a combat veteran with PTSD. I was medically retired from the service. I haven’t worked in almost 5 years, but I find myself wanting to find a job just so I can get out of this prison I feel like I’m in. He has ran off all of my friends and doesn’t want me speaking with my family because he thinks i “talk shit” about him to them. The engine in my car blew up 2 months ago. IT has yet to be fixed. I can’t afford it and he is only working minimal amount. My family has always bailed us out of financial situations until now. Because they see what he has done to me. Now, I feel totally stuck. I literally can’t leave my house. I can’t leave him. I have no way to get anywhere, no where to go, and no money to get there. This article did give me the courage to get out. Tomorrow I will be looking for a job (within walking distance) so that I can stash some money and get out of this. I don’t have the patience to work on this. I feel like I have given my all and I’m tired.
Veey tearful reading this but thanks for the tip on looking for an opening. I am having cosmetic surgery which I have wanted for 10 years. He doesn’t want me to have in case something goes wrong and he has to look after me!!! I feel vulnerable about the surgery and have told only 4 people today he took it upon himself to tell close friends when I had specifically said he wasn’t too. Am so angry that he used something I feel vulnerable about to tell other people, it’s like he is preying on it. It just seems so cruel. ……
It helped me… thank you!
It helped me. I kicked my husband of 7 years out on April 1 for similar emotional-narcissistic abuse and his drug abuse. He begs to come home from a friend’s house and every time we meet in person to talk about it I feel like relenting. It’s only been 3 weeks and he’s pushing me. I filed for divorce and have been hesitating to tell him it’s over. I rented a storage unit and put all of his things in it, and today I’m handing him the papers and the key to storage and telling him no more contact except by phone. I’m terrified but I have to do this. So glad I happened to see this article and comment today. Thank you.
Pamela, I wonder if you were able to break free from your situation?
Sounds do familiar. My husband has to have what he wants the list gets long. Expensive things says he never paid bills before me. Women always took care of him. Says I need medication. But he is the one. It is scary this is him to the t.
Leave him. It will never get better. I’m so sorry… why don’t you write on a paper reasons to stay and reasons to leave. Then throw it out the window when your driving so he doesn’t see it. We all have a god given right to be treated with love and respect. That’s what you need. The happiness will come later when you truly feel like yourself again.
I agree, it takes time but it is possible. DivorceCare groups helped me to deal with the pain.
Reading your comment was like you had read my mind. I’ve been with the same man since just before my 16th birthday, coming up to 20 years but only married for 4 of those. We have 2 teenage boys & another on the way. Although I love him dearly, he’s killing me. I feel it’s easier just to isolate myself so there’s less chance of having to deal with his twisted thoughts & abuse. I’ve never felt so alone & unhappy. I feel of lost all will power & just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel like such a fool for continuing in the relationship – I know better, I was brought up in entirely different environment, father who adores my mother & would undoubtedly do anything for her. And a mother who is extremely independent & strong…. I wonder what went wrong with me.
I’ve put up with years of emotional & mental abuse & even physical abuse at times. I get angry with myself for letter myself continue life this way because I know better. I’m ashamed of what I’ve let my life become & too embarrassed to reveal the truth of it all to anyone. I feel stupid for still being with him & feel I only have myself to blame – for that reason, I don’t want to burden friends & family with my problems (if I’m not going to do anything about the issue then I dont want to unload my problems on them, year after year) – so I continue to hide it all. I feel I’ve wasted most of my life & have no idea who the real me is & who I’m supposed to be. I’m so lost.
But I feel like I’m almost at breaking point (feeling I’ve had many times before). I keep asking myself if I really can continue on this way & if I can’t then what do I do.
I guess this long winded comment is the beginning of some sort of answer…. & also to share with you a similar experience to what it sounds like you are going through….sometimes there’s some comfort in knowing your not the only one. So I thank you for sharing some of your experience, as it’s helped me, in some way, verbalise (for the first time) what’s been corroding away at me for so long. So again thank you for sharing & I hope that you don’t continue to suffer because no one deserve to feel this way
I feel the same exact way. My kids my family, they have no idea the extint of this bazaaro world Iv chosen to live in. Although the word choice is hard to say bc most of the time I don’t feel I have a choice. It’s excruciatingly painful. The hardest part is knowing that the worst person in my life is the one I gave it all to 31 years ago. I’m praying I can find the strength to get out.
Sarah, please leave this man. You say your parents were totally different with your mum being strong and independent? You know how to do it, what would your mum do? Tell your family today what’s been going on and get some support. Stop protecting your bully.
Sarah reading your reply brought me to my knees! We got engaged when I was 16, had our oldest when I turned 17 and married at 19. I left him for a few months when I was 22 during his first long withdrawal from me, when I begged for him to spend 30 minutes with me he told me I was an ungrratful bitch and cut sex off for a few months. When I moved out I got a job and my own place but my parents quilted me into keeping my family together. I should never have went back I thought it was sweet when he said, “you’ll always have a home with me” until I found out he literally didn’t care that I left no actually he enjoyed the pitty. I’m 32 now with three kids. I had went back to work when we moved to Colorado four years ago but that brought out the worst Mr Hyde ever, I had planned to leave he took my bank cards, phone and suitcase. I tried to hurt myself I was so desperate he just laughed and took all the rope left the kids home to watch their crazy mother. When he got moving order I was so excited it would be the best chance to get away. Well while he was here working TDY I came out to not raise suspicions had a horribly awkward sex that was my fault (later found out he spent all free time watching porn and spending money on game of war not looking for a house again my fault) I spent two days being called names being told to appreciate him making time for me when he dropped me at the airport I had it and told him I wouldn’t be back. So many calls crying begging our son and then my mom calls says I have to talk to him I’m being childish. Hours on the phone talking saying he knows he’s been a shit husband wants to change I deserve better he wants to be the man he vowed to be. I regret coming out here everyday he did change for a month and it’s a non stop cycle. I just don’t know how to leave at this point. Anyway that’s my story Sarah, you aren’t alone and your needs as a human are valid.
Do not think of suicide. You will not see the the gold lining at the end of this horrid tunnel. If you do, he will get more attention and your children will be wrecked. He will tell them you left THEM. My husband ‘s (I’m his 3rd wife) 1st wife committed suicide as they were going thru
a divorce. (she couldn’t take the outbursts & inhuman behavior. HE got the sympathy. His
children were ruined & left with him as a role model. His second wife left by planning a place
to live. Lining up a lawyer to “divorce” without her being there & moving secretly out while
he was at work. She now lives a life free of him.
I’m coping.! I’m too old to start a new life. I know what I’m up against. I am purposely busy
& not feeling guilty about leading my own life.
I feel stuck… he is so mean to me and every time we have a disagreement it turns out its always my fault… I have no money, he pays all the bills. I runs a pest control company which I cant afford but continue with it because I don’t want to be at home (it gets me out of the house). We travel a lot but always end up in arguments, I never know when is the next time he is going to blow up and in his words its always my fault and I usually end up apologizing. We have been together for 6 years of them 2 years married. He owns a house he rents out and buying the house we live in.. I am afraid to leave because I don’t to live in the streets ( all though he threatens and constantly asks me to leave or move out. I would like some advice ….
You are NOT the blame and you have absolutelt nothing to be ashamed of. He is the asshole. Narcissist feed off of your kindness, they take it for weakness. They need us and use us for their convenience and then discard us wjen they’re done. I pray that you found the strength to heal and enjoy life and love as its meant to be. You deserve to be happy and loved. Fuck him. I feel your pain and have suffered just like you but I refuse to get sucked in again. I pray for your restoration and healing. I wish i could give you a hug. Please get suicide out of your mind it is no solution. You are worthy, and stronger than you know. Pray be strong and you will win he will lose. He already lost you.
Hi Sandra
I read your comment now and suddenly realised, I have lost everything that was my own, gave up a paying job to help him and his partners start a business, just for him to tell me to f..off and find another job when it started going well. Now I must struggle to get another job and he plays the hero that is supporting me. After a lot of physical and mental abuse, all I have to hear is how great he is and what people think of him. He is actually using my situation to look good.
How do I stop this….
Hello! You sound strong. I’ve been married for almost 14 years. I feel like I have no love for him. It took a long time before I believed that I was in a horrible situation. I wish I would have divorced him after my kids were born. He’s everything described as how to tell he is a narcissist. I hate him. I try not to say it in front of my kids. When he has his stupid ass outbursts I always have to pull the kids aside and remind them that he does these things (berate them, throw stuff, break stuff, intimidate them and me, gets in my face etc) because he is sick. I hate him for what he has done to me and our family. It’s pointless to discuss. I’m the only level headed parent they have. But then again, maybe I am a piece of shit for staying. I only stay because I know their lives will be miserable if we divorce. He will tell them lies and I won’t be around to help their minds. I also think he is stupid enough to take it out on them. It was my choice to marry him, but he was charming etc. dancing with me, told he would never hit me. Yeah – well this is me smacks, punches, and kicks later. He hasn’t hit me in 9 years I think. But the other day he wanted to, and wanted to pull me down the stairs by my feet because I stood up for myself. When I do he says ‘you are attacking me’. We never have reasonable conversations or valid arguments- because he stops them and yells to say I’m escalating things, or acting crazy, when he is the only one screaming. I used to cry and feel sorry for myself. Now I don’t. It was my screwup – I pray and focus on building up my kids and showing them right from wrong. I told them that we don’t have a good relationship and share good examples of relationships from people around us. Now for them, I do cry. I am responsible for these sweethearts. I hope the bastard pays if he makes it to heaven. But a soul like his, will take this sickness to the grave. This is the first time I’ve been able to freely speak about this to others that understand. I really thank you for your time in reading this. Thank you thank you for a site like this. May God Bless all of us who are trying to do the right thing.
Hey Pernella…get out now. I did. In my case, divorce is happening. In response, she is making porn and putting it online just to hurt me and provoke. But you must leave them. They will kick back and kick hard. And believe me, it does hurt…but also it validates me. She’s not the victim of mental disease, I have been. She’s not getting better. But I can. It doesn’t belong to me. And that’s true for you too. I hope you find the strength. You can. Your life doesn’t have to be destroyed because theirs is. That’s all he wants to do until he finds the next target. Go, you’ll find the strength. X
My husband of 35 years (unknowingly) provided me with the “get out” ticket…I discovered he has had a least two affairs (that have come to my attention)… I hired a lawyer, the divorce is in process…. I am feeling so much better. I feel am no longer a victim … I am a survivor. You can be too. Just GET OUT of the relationship, life is much better alone than living with unpredictable predictable behavior that will never change. No matter how many times you try to anticipate or navigate through his behavior he will not change/ he can not change. He gets his supply to fill his need from others… that is you! so you need to cut off his supply… Good Luck. Be brave you will be better in the long run.
This sounds like my life ! Its crazy to think i have got myself into this marriage. I dislike my husband alot !
He drinks 10 beers each night and is out of control with him,him,him .
He could care less if people hurt,die, cry, whatever, he does nothing for others but put them down.
I really need a friend who can relate to this .
Hes has NPD and its at the peek of really sick.
If anyone would like to talk or compare i will be willing to share my stories with you .
The good news is i am very strong women and smart i am able to cope but i feel so sorry for him .
He is a asshole and people do not like him .
I have many friends and very well liked . But it does hurt to me to think of his inflated self and he is really is all alone in his world 🙁
Hi, Marilyn. I would love to talk to you. Hope you get my reply. I feel exactly the same way: I really need a friend who can relate to this. I have friends. He does not. He thinks he does, but he really has no one intimate. But that’s because he doesnt know what that word even means! I get envious of couples who are close and have other couples that they can share life with. I realize now that i am starving for affection and intimacy. I do have a few close friends that I can talk to, but no one who understands this level of hell, being married to a man with NPD. And of course, he has never been diagnosed because he never lasts in counseling when his accountability is required. I unde4rstand that he has deep issues with shame and guilt stemming from somewhere in his childhood I assume. I also believe his mother is also NPD. My husband is an alcoholic too. I do not want to hate him, but my rage, resentment,bitterness and anger are bubbling over. I have tried to overcome the things he has done to me: affairs, lies, emotional abuse, etc. And like most people living with a spouse with NPD, the people in our lives dont know that he is this way because he puts on such a good front. It is hard to explain to people what I go through, and how he really is. Also, I really dont like telling my loved ones about all his awefulness because I dont think that is the answer- me complaining about him all the time. I love him and I wish I could help him, but he doesnt think he needs help, he doesnt understand what compassion is, what kindness means, how to be impathetic towards others. So, I am left with just trying to cope as best I can and find some people that I can connect with. I will not cheat on him( although I am so tempted to find a man that will give me real love and affection).
I so understand, I am in the same boat. No one to talk to about it. No one to help me.
so many of us, mine is 37 years with a serial cheater narcissist. we need each other so we can get out. I have no one.
Definately….this article has been a GREAT HELP and EYE OPENER for the wife that truly wants to “try” especially if divorce is NOT an option. My mother has always said it better too in reference to “stop trying to change him and change myself”….indirectly, I’ve begun to make MYSELF the priority considering he makes HIS needs and wants priority over the overall needs of the family. In other words instead of battling it out over a petty issue over what he should’ve, would’ve, and could’ve been done, I’ve thrown myself into things that builds MY credentials so that I WOULD NEVER NEED TO TOTALLY DEPEND ON HIM OR ANYONE which works for not only this motive but IT’S A GREAT DISTRACTION so you don’t even have time to worry about ANYTHING ELSE he may or may not bring your way. Second, getting out of the house to just catch a good movie ALONE has been a peaceful mechanism. TUNING HIM OUT when he feels the need to downplay or critique others THAT HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW or when he feels the need to question MY endeavors with a skeptical, condescending or critiquing manner even if he says he “supports” what I’m doing and “let’s me” go back to school. Well….I must admit that by learning how to “stroke that ego” and using some of the tactics I’ve just noted, there’s been more better days in the later years of our marriage (married now for 12 years) compared to how it was in the beginning because YES….you’re darn right I felt like I was bamboozled…on that pedastal BEFORE we were married and then all of a sudden, VERY SOON after the wedding, all bets were off the table (???)…..and certainly, although things can be going well, one set back (which does happen occasionally) can be exaggerated by these types of individuals so it’s like you have to regroup and start all over again to get back in a good zone….sometimes it’s over in just a few minutes and sometimes he may ignore you for days. But well…since arguing with these types of individuals are TRULY NOT going to benefit you (me) and yes…can indeed turn manipulative, FIND THINGS TO DISTRACT YOURSELF which perhaps can even be something that will boost your credentials to get you to a different financially DEPENDENT bracket so worse comes to worse, if finances are used to tickle HIS fancy, you won’t feel destitute, AND no matter what, YOU are the one that’s making HIM look good….hell…I’ve even told him that I was enhancing my credentials in order to be able to help him support our family life and make our plans and goals come to par but the bottom line is the primary reason is FOR ME…MY FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE, MY SELF-ESTEEM, MY OWN EGO-BOOST AND PRIDE and again to enhance MY CREDENTIALS….with all this going on and by the grace of GOD you simply won’t have time to deal with his episodes….not to mention, you’ve made an interesting point….by accepting him as what he is (considering you can’t change it…you have to change yourself) I just listen to what he is saying before I speak and basically I change/adjust my approach based on what he is saying….and then indirectly put the focus and energy back on ME.
Rim, wow I’m really impressed with your strength and ability to do what is right for yourself.
I know, not showing any emotion was hard. That’s what I do& have learned to do. I’ve been married to my N husband for 15 years and have three kids. Only in the past 2 years have I realized that he was not right and that I was losing ME. I suspected his flirty behavior with friends and made tons of excuses for his lies & bad behavior. But not til last spring, when I was seeing a therapist ( because there has got to be something wrong with me) ha, he kept telling me that ! & that I was crazy etc etc. But the therapist said, you need to hire a PI, private Investigator, only then did I have fact evidence in hand that I was NOT crazy and him leaving at all hours and lengths of time without a word, were in fact an affair . It felt so good to be validated even though I was devastated, even when I told him I had pictures & I told him what he was doing & where he was ( through the communication with the PI) he denied it all blatantly ) who’s the crazy one now?
He was extremely angry. He also called me sneaky when I got up one night a few years ago & he was looking at porn on his phone . I have asked myself recently …
Wow how did I get here?
We have a cabin and he’s now in and out, choosing to come & go as he pleases. The kids ask why, I usually say that he’s going through something that he doesn’t understand and that he & I love them . And we need to pray for him.
I told him if he wants to be involved in our children’s life, he needs to be here. So when he texts from wherever he is. I give short answers and usually I don’t answer at all.
He liked knowing that his abscence upset me, now I give no emotion at all. None. He came home last weekend, played with kids like nothing at all, promised our daughter he’d stay over, but when it was obvious to him that I was NOT having sex with him( I locked the bathroom door when I took a shower) the little baby left. Oh and took his new batch of clean clothes with him.
I’m Going ” grey rock ” I repeat that to myself when he berates me or insults me or lies.. I don’t feel any thing I don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry or get angry, not any more. Infact when he’s around I whistle & listen to Christian music& avoid him. My aura is ” I’m happy within myself and I don’t let you dictate my moods anymore!!
He has made an appt with a psychologist at the prompting of his mom. But I have yet to see anything on line saying that the N in their life sought therapy & got better. I don’t know if that’s possible. I hate no, abhore, that my children will experience divorce… Which is why I’m dancing around it. I’m getting my ducks in a row, I’m applying for disability so I can be financially independent … But that takes time. I have a brain tumor which all the therapies / surgeries over the years have taken a toll. I worry about what’s really best for the kids. Certainly not learning that an N and codependent relationship is “normal”…
we need each other for help, I have 37 years with a serial cheater narc, need help getting out.
Why do you feel you cannot divorce…I am a Christian an was raised by a mother that was raised with the strict belief that it is a sin to have more than one husband or sexual partner ever;;; I know logically that this is not an unforgiveable sin but spiritually I struggle with it. my parents and our family faced very difficult issues and they and us did in believed in family and you do everything to keep a marriage and family together…I did not raise my sons that way because if someone miss treated them or hurt them that there was nothing GOD would not forgive..i still hear my mothers voice in my head today…my parents were married over 50 years and never left there marriage..i have only been with my husband even tho when he left when we were very young and then came back a year later…///after years of terrible issue with him and counseling this is the first time anyone has told me that my husband is a narcissistic issue. I have had medical issues and now on top of lupus I have a rare cancer leukemia/lymphoma…my illness took me out of the work force at my prime. I also feel I have no place to go but I really want to go..i am in my 60’s.. how are you doing trying to hold it together; thank you for writing…I hope to hear back from you…
Thank you for sharing I have been married for 24yrs and divorce is not an option for me. I have been looking for ways to keep my sanity and move on with my life. In addition to prayer it helps to know that I am not the only one in this soup. Thank you
Hi ikanony-
Am struggling to start doing what you are doing despite being a professional woman as I have been unknowingly beaten down for years with emotional/verbal abuse. After a year of therapy I realize the true cause of my depression and severe anxiety. I would love to talk to you or if not possible will try to be inspired by you as i feel so lonely & isolated.
Hi Wisom45,
I am in a similar situation. I have 2 kids and don’t know what to do.
Maybe we can be a support system for each other? My email is moshisaga@gmail.com
So sick and tired of him , just want out . Been married 42 years and now I think I hate him. Tired so hard to be a good person and Christian but I’m at the end of my rope.
This is the best response to narcissism I have ready yet! Very Inspirational. You are a very wise, strong, and courageous lady. Do you I d if I ask how long have you been married and how does your husband respond to your care of self?
These words of wisdom greatly encouraged me. Thank you so much. I want to set boundaries and/or leave my marriage but financially I can’t right now. Each day my self esteem is chipped away knowing he only married me to be his personal assistant. None of my emotional or physical needs are met by him. They were in the beginning. He was a knight in shining armour and then when I expected him to still invest into our relationship after we were married it caused a big fight. He does not wear his ring. He says it’s because he is use to not wearing rings, but I observe him put bracelets on and his earring in his ear. He has a child ????????. She is 12 and I adore her, but I can’t help to feel like he is using me to help raise his daughter while he is away for work and so he doesn’t have to communicate or deal with his daughters mom to make her feel like he doesn’t need her. He never asks he always says I need you to do this and that for him. As if he is entitled to me doing stuff for him. Whenever someone brings up the topic of us having children, he changes the topic and talks about getting me a dog instead. In the beginning the answer was always if she wants one I’ll have one, but truth be told. I do t want any kids with someone that selfish or doesn’t want any because I would be left doing everything. We have full custody now of his step daughter and some how I find it hard to leave him because of that. He gets upset my needs are not met and I try to set limits on him by telling him he needs to take his daughter to school or watch her. Because he doesn’t ask me. I could be telling him something and he’ll dismiss me and in the same breath ask me to do something for him. I’m 34. We have been married for 2 years. We have no children together. I’m afraid by the time I get out of this, it will be some time before I entered back until another relationship and then my biological clock is ticking to have children. I do t want to be rushing my next relationship because of that. So I choose to remain married. I’m just afraid my self esteem and worth is going to go down the toilet the longer I’m in this relationship. I wake up feeling drained and unhappy. When he is away for work, I feel happy, energetic, and excited. I am good looking, I have a good career, I am intelligent, very giving, compassionate, and driven at my core. But having this toxic man in my life is changing things. I just need to pay off my credit card so I can move on. I want to go to grad school to become a CRNA and he said he will help put me through school but I don’t think it’s worth me staying in the relationship for that. I’m sure I’ll be paying for it in the long run. More than what it is worth.
I have been married to a narcissist for allmost 30 years. I thought I was loved because he acted like he could not be without me at the beginning. Four children later and used it is a tuff spot to be in. If I were you I would run . This type of person will never care who they hurt including their own children. You are young and probably are being used to raise his daughter. Let him take care of his own responsibilities . Do not worry about money. If you already see the signs that is a good thing. Do not fall into his trap. Never let a narciisist get jelouse. Tell him he is to good for you and get out now,now ,now. I am crying as i read through all of these messages. It never ends what they will do to hurt you. If I can help one person get out especially wile they are young enough to make a nice life for their self may be mine pain will have meaning. Also prior to me being married my husband had another wife he had told me he married to take care of his son. Ask the mother of his child why they got divorced. Listen and believe her .I hope you get out soon.
Amen!! If your young get out!!! You will be hoping on hope that is not there for all the years to come. I’m in it for 31 years and if someone older had given me this advice I hope I would have taken it. I would have long since moved on by now, but still here☹️
Just get out before he wrecks your whole life and leaves you feeling worthless.
It’s great that you wish to change yourself when necessary, but I would not consider a narcissistic personality as a disability. It is immaturity and selfishness. Narcissists are the least likely of all people to change for the better or improve themselves and their relationships and I worry that with only YOU making strides to change, it is going to be very difficult in the relationship. Perhaps it is possible to endure if you have a strong support system…most narcissists alienate their spouse’s friends/family, so this is unlikely to be the case for spouses of such people.
In any event, there are going to be times you will resent the narcissism, and if not, you are in fact a rare breed. My narcissist spouse started to abuse me and show his true colors after we had children. He used economic abuse, he drank heavily and made it impossible for me to keep a job since I depended on him to watch our children while I worked to compensate for the money he squandered on booze.
Thank you. It is heartening to hear the stories here. It’s sad to know there are people going through this horror but the strength I have gleaned here makes up for it. My relationship was quite short considering what manipulative liars Narcs can be. The weirdest thing about the upcoming divorce is speaking to my soon to be ex as if he is a stranger where there was once love and a friendship.
After the initial shock of betrayal and surprise that he is no way near who I thought he was, conversing without intimacy, joking or a sparkle in either eye was brutal.
Truth is he had never been my spouse or partner. He managed to fake being a loving partner for 10 months. We had a long distance relationship which I thought was nice to ease us in as we are both in our forties. After the spotlight and people, he immediately did not want to be married.
He was never faithful, maintaining a sexual relationship with at least one other person throughout our relationship. Telling other women a few months before we were married that he was single and enjoying it.
I have since learnt that he is a narcissist. They all have addictions and are usually bad with money. His addiction is sex but he didn’t gamble or borrow from me.
We are now going through a divorce and what hurts the most is the betrayal and utter disregard for me. He was having sex with people and coming home to me with hugs and kisses. He would look me straight in the eye and lie about where he was, why he was late from work, that he wanted to work on our marriage. Every so often amongst the contemptual criticism, there’d be an expression of praise. He treated me like an unintelligent human being unworthy of basic human courtesy. He despised me for being in his life even though he invited me in.
I will never forget the day I came home, opened the front door and everything went flying because he had been masturbating at the dining table. He ran into the bedroom and locked himself in! Hid the laptop behind the bathroom door.
Another night, he left the house early hours of the morning to go and have sex. He believes it is a man’s right to be with as many womwn as he likes. “Men cheat!”.
I want to heal from this and be able to trust men again. How do you separate a good friend from a narcissist? How does a good friend become a partner? Do I want that again? It would be nice but let me just say I am not ready. It would be nice to speak to someone on the phone. It would be nice to have someone have my back. To be partners – travelling, cooking, talking… protecting each other spiritually, financially, emotionally.
Of all people to be sucked in by – a family friend!!!!!
I leave all this in the past and move on because his infidelity is his problem not mine. His deceptive, lying, rude, selfish, manipulative behaviour is his personality, not mine. I am learning that he tries to project his bad behavious on me.
I walk on into the light that is mine. I walk on into the life that is mine knowing that God, family and friends will be there for me. Everyday it gets easier especially as I refuse to acknowledge or respond to the abusive emails and text messages hes sends. Once divorce is over, I will be able to block him completely.
To the person who said “love is tough” with regard to her narcissistic husband… I’ve been there and done that. I spent 8 years with one. The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that he actually “loves” us. A man who has narcissistic personality disorder is NOT capable of love. He doesn’t love you because he can’t love you. It’s impossible for him to love you. I wasn’t aware of this until after I left him and got into counseling. It really felt terrible to know that I wasted so many years on someone who was just a “thing” who could never love me. Don’t believe me – then ask yourself if someone who “loved” you would ever treat you the way he does. Get yourself into counseling with an abuse specialist – regardless if you are with him or not.
Wanda, you are so right. I am more than convinced that I am married to a narcissistic person after 18 years of marriage. All around me is destruction. A family is suppose to grow in relationship; but he destroyed our family, kids on a path of destruction because of verbal abuse, etc…the list goes on and on. I came to the realization, after making excuses, when I called to let him know just 3 weeks ago that the doctor told me to go straight to emergency hospital due to the symptoms I was having; she felt I was having a heart attack. I called my husband to let him know what the doctor said and he told me to let him know what the doctor said. I couldn’t believe my ears. This was the first time I ever have been to the emergency room at the hospital in my entire life and he leaves me hanging. Shows up 2 hours later with tears in his eyes. From that moment on and even to this day – I AM DONE!! He proved to me he doesn’t love me – it’s all about him. Now I know how my children felt – empty, void of love, numb, no feelings, I can’t go on – I don’t even want to be in the same room with him. I stopped communicating with him all together and he just acts like everything is fine. I told him first about why I wouldn’t be communicating with him because of what he did to me. Love is an action word and he proved to me that he doesn’t love me, having no empathy for anyone…I don’t have it in me to try anymore. I’m totally empty – I’M DONE! I just don’t know right now how to move on. I know exactly what I’m dealing with. I’ve read one book after another on this subject. Nothing is real and never was for 18 years. How do you move on?
Bonnie,
I know your pain. I spent 5 years just simply trying to work up the courage to leave him. 5 years! That’s how afraid and confused I was to confront this ugly man and finally walk out. He wanted desperately to make me feel that way, afraid, confused and hopeless, that was how he kept me with him for so many years and that was how he was able to control me. I had no idea where I was going to go or how I would take care of myself financially. This fear kept me with him for 30 years. I am here to tell you, you can get out. I know it’s hard but you must believe that you can do it. I had nothing but a garbage bag full of clothes and my laptop when I left. I waited out on the street at 1 o’clock in the morning for a friend to pick me up but I made my mind up earlier that evening that I MUST GET OUT! I honestly didn’t even think about how I was going to do it or the future or anything. I just knew that I could no longer live with him anymore and the rest GOD took care of for me. I stayed with my son for 2 1/2 months than got a job and got my own apartment. I got my GED and went to community college. I found a good therapist who is helping me build up my shattered confidence and slowly, I am able to put back the pieces of myself and my life. The divorce is in process and there are still times I have to deal with him but I am in a much happier place and you will be too. You really need to stop listening to the voice in your head telling you you cant do it. Find the courage and the strength to reach out to someone who you trust. Have faith in yourself that you will be okay. I believe you can do it. Just think about if you stayed with him, will anything change? Will he change? Will your feelings about yourself and your life change? Most definitely not. Men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder do not change and you will continue to remain in an abusive and selfish relationship that will not flourish or give you peace. Trust me on this. I stayed because I was afraid and had zero confidence in my self. I hoped I could change him and I thought if I could change myself to fit him better it would all be ok but it wasn’t. They have what’s called a mean/sweet cycle. They give you just enough kindness to make you hope things will get better than they slap you down again. It’s a tactic that is well known for Narcs. They will not ever change. Get out while you can. Reach out to family, friends whom ever you can trust and just go. I wish you the best.
Dear GOD it’s funny that I’ve truly come to the realization today 12/27/13 that I myself have to face facts that I am truly married to someone that yes….is truly narcissistic. I’ve speculated on the idea long before today but than….I started to have my moments of doubt and uncertainty because of that “mean/sweet cycle” INDEED….THAT was what had blindsided me all this time into not concluding that he IS a narcissist tried and true. You’ve described it EXACTLY how it can be which makes the person difficult and confusing because you NEVER know when the sweetness would end or when he just feels like being/acting like a “bitch” FOR NO REAL REASON AT ALL.
These people that go on about narcissists acting out “for no reason at all” in an article that specifically mentions “supply” exemplify what narcissists find so frustrating. Read. The. Article. Most people genuinely don’t “lose it” for “nothing.” Even narcissists. Did you keep an eye on his supply? Every man who strives to live to the ideals passed down as “masculinity” is to some extent narcissistic. The recommendations like flirting and complimenting before you ask for things are basic human nature and specific recommendations that come up in “how to make your man more manly and sexy in bed” articles all of the time.
Look, we’ve had a shittier existence than most of you and came out of it in many cases more successful. Now figure us out, we’re not that hard. Please, we’re desperate and we can be fiercely loyal even if we are shitty quite often.
???????? I feel you.. Coz I have the same situation. Right now I’m sleeping with a log..were just five months married. And I find out he cheated on me.. And it seems it’s my fault that I can’t move on with what have happend coz I’m the only one whose trying to fix it after he ask for another chance..
12 years of marriage and I found out the day before Thanksgiving that he was texting and emailing his ex girlfriend for the last 2 years. Tried to tell him day after thanksgiving to stop communication. Instead of being worried about his wife, he criticised me told me everything that was wrong with me and told me that he would date her if we got a divorce. Wasn’t going to tell her no more emails as it “was the holidays” Tried to look at the glass half full and gut told me he was still talking to her so managed to get into his computer and sure enough an email from the summer where he went to her home and you know the rest. Needless to say that was the last straw and I filed. He still keeps trying to tell me that it is my fault that he talked to her. I made him “vulnerable” He still talks and emails her but wants me as well! I am running as fast I can for divorce court! Too many years of mental abuse. And note to your file most men that are narcissitic are totally into Bill Clinton type of sex as it is about them!
“Narcissists can’t love” is something neurotypicals and narcissists in denial say to make themselves feel better. It’s a cop out that all of these nimrod “normals” out there think they have some grand Comprehension of Love because their mommies and daddies praised and hugged them more. I know what you’re getting at, but more often it seems that “muggles” are dehumanizing the super-humans than the other way around.
Found the Narc here, theyre very obvious to spot once you trained yourself for the clues.
You forget that many people turn from victims to perpetrators. Almost all narcs were victims at one point so I do feel sorry for you. Those words you use, ‘nimrods’ and the holier than thou speech you keep spilling are just gatekeepers for your own projection. Sorry you did not get any love, many of the narcs didnt either and neither did many of us, but we recognized these habits forming and choose to chill with our egos and look at things objectively instead of being a big baby crying about what life you dont have.
Because thats really what is it, insecurity and dissatisfaction of themselves. You realize you cant change most people and you are not that big of a deal, like really, you really arent anyone special. Like you really arent anything at all but a failure and you project it back onto those that are close to you because they generally wont fight back. Youre a weakling, much like most of thse other narcs, choose targets that dont fight back like your spouse. Because of the insecurity for attachment. You are a no body. Seriously and for years no one even responded to your non sense.
I agree! “Love is kind and forgiving” but it is not tough. If it is, then that is an abusive relationship.
Love is only tough, when someone you love dies or is ill and you can’t help. It’s not love when someone hurts you, lies to you, embarrasses you and blames you for everything. That is not love it is an abusive relationship.
As I begin my path to a more healthy and fulfilling life .. , I am In awe at what I’ve discovered about a man I loved for six years a man I really knew nothing about hell I wonder if you know who you are!! But if you ever decide to try and heal the wounds that were obviously inflicted apon you albeit at a young age here’s where you will need to start .. You have most not all traits of the narcissistic sociopath.. As I educate myself In regards to this disease that I lived with for nearly six years I’m in shock to find out that I was merely just a victim of your very warped decease … The first step of the narcissistic love relationship is grand love the kind of fairytale love that a girl like me dreams about… when you know you have her where you want her that starts phase 2 you start to demean her she becomes unimportant at least that’s what you want her to believe.. Phase 3 everything is her fault .. This is cyclical round and round until phase 4 this is the phase that you make her crazy by staying away you figure she will take you anyway she can get you this is a manipulative way of lowering her expectations… Lol it didn’t work on me bhahahahaha you bet that’s my evil laugh I’m not in pain in fact I’m better than ever
This was my last communication. I can’t tell you how great it feels to let go and through self help and learning about this desease I was able to part with little pain .. ITS NOT MY FAULT ITS NOT YOUR FAULT ITS THE ABUSER AND HIS SICK WAYS….
Amen! I second this. My ex-husband did a very good job of convincing me that he did love me, was sorry, etc. I believed it up until I started the divorce process through a lawer. He became desperate to win me back with the 10,000th apology. I stuck to my guns and did not fall for it again. The ONLY reason he wants you is to use you as something he believes he has the right to control. That is not love. Soon, my ex showed his true colors (to me and only me) and became so nasty and vindictive I had to get a restraining order and join an address confidentiality program. He is incapable of empathy and love. He did a very good job playing the victim and making me think that I was worthless/crazy/abusive and the only reason our marriage wasn’t working. In the end, I ended up with no way to explain the covert verbal abuse to someone who doesn’t “get it,” severe depression and an eating disorder. Props to all the women on here who are able to make it work. Reply to this with your email if you want any resources, Christian or secular. I’m not going to list them on here for fear that he is stalking this site and those few details would give me away.
I was married to a narcissist for 15 years. He tore me and the children apart from the inside out! By the end of the marraige, I found myself being afraid to buy myself a stick of lipstick, winning a game while playing with friends, going home after work, etc. all of these things, plus many more, would send him into a rage. I couldn’t leave our children with him if I went on a weekend vacation, or shopping. Because he would abuse them while I was away. Not knowing that he was upset about my leaving because he would tell me it was fine for me to leave, then act out his true feelings while I was away.
By the time I finally made up my mind to leave, I was a mental reck! Needless to say, he remarried a couple of days after our divorce was final. He made sure I knew by sending his wedding announcement to my house.
Now, 7 years later, he’s still trying to manipulate our kids into hating me for leaving him. He blames me for all the problems he’s had in his life since. I’m remarried and very happy with my present husband. And this alone, drives my ex crazy. Even though he lives in another state, he still keeps track of me and my life.
My only regret is that I didn’t leave him sooner. He almost destroyed me
“Even though he lives in another state, he still keeps track of me and my life.”
I am so thankful that you were able to move on with your life. I am so glad that you were able to re-identify with what real love is.
He doesn’t want you to be happy no matter what. A narcissistic has a deep seeded, almost indescribable meanness, an evil at the very core of them. I will continue to pray for all those who are in such relationships, trying to get out, and trying to recover.
I have one who tracks my life the same way. But I hopefully optimistic that my new marriage and my new life – will continue to be that way. Love does truly conquer all.
I got out after 30 years. Its very difficult!!!! At Fifteen I was a fashion model, a perfect trophy at that time. He showered me with gifts and attention. It overwhelmed me!!!! I was too young to see the signs. Things happened so fast. The rules did not apply to him. Peeople loved him and I felt lucky to have found this wonderful man. We married when I was eighteen. He was able to buy us a great amount of worldly possessions; big houses, cars, status well above our upbringing! He would show off everything he accomplished, wore his success on his sleeve. I was very embarressed by this cockiness!!! Between us there was no intimacy. Everything I would confide in my husband was shared with others. Personal things a married couple would discuss. The stories changed and were full of lies, making me look really bad and unappreciative of our life. Eventually, I was a basket case, no friends, jealousy, I stopped trying to reason with him because you cant win with this disorder! I asked him to leave after 27 years. He was the victim and called everyone in the family, friends. They believed his lies. They thought I had lost my mind. His stories of my actions varied greatly with everything but the truth. They still do!!! This has ruined many relationships for me with loved ones. I never felt so alone. I found a fantastic therapist and she gave me insight, tools to survive this. My divorce is in process still after three years. I’ve learned so much. I can finally breathe a bit better. His disorder stems from his treatment as a child with a controlling mother. Inside he has stayed a little scared boy. I never stood a chance as awife with someone this damaged and defensive. Its a bit easier to understand now that I know the facts.
Dear Terry
Please forgive my awkward phrases at a difficult time, but thank you for writing this. I’m sorry you have gone through so much pain. I wish you strength building back your “health” (since this kind of stress can tax the health they say) and your spirits. You sound very able, Terry.
I’m going to save your post to give myself courage since I too must try to find my way in a not totally dissimilar situation–minus the fashion model beginnings and the worldly possessions. As you know, living this way takes your breath away at times. All the more so when you feel isolated. A post like yours helps. Thanks again. Ruth Whetsel
Would you mind sharing some of the tools your therapist provided? I am trying to get out after 14 years of marriage and sometimes I feel like I’m crazy. He frequently goes on the “mean/sweet” cycles as mentioned above…I feel like I’m just too high maintenance and expect too much from a husband. He is not physically abusive so I sometimes feel like I’m being selfish by wanting someone who loves ME. Anytime I complain about something he does or a way that he acts, he turns it on me and rationalizes everything away. Any advice you would be willing to share would be greatly appreciated.
Get a therapist that knows how to deal with narcissist. I have been married 43 years and never realized he was a narcissist until she brought it up. I knew that our son was, but had no inkling. My husband is a narcissist not of the same realm that our son is. I love him and thinking about leaving him is not simple (never is). I’m confused and sad, very sad, but at least I have the knowledge and knowledge is power, so I feel empowered. My therapist is encouraging me to take care of me, and that means not jumping to do anything or everything for him, especially if he can do it for himself. I’m not used to this. Doing what my gut says, and my heart, listening to that, and not what my head says, is making me feel better. I was exhausted before, but after lots of rest (he was gone out of the country for weeks) and doing just what I wanted to do, I’m doing better. The most important thing from my therapist, is to be true to yourself. Take care of you. YOU, not him. But get a therapist yourself. You need that support, we all do!
Get u totally. If I corner him he turns it around on me. He frequently visited the whore in boarding house next door. Swears nothing ever happened, he did nothing wrong. Like Bill Clinton “I did not have sex with that woman.” He felt sorry 4 her. Bought her alcohol and dope, visited when he was 10 sheets 2 the wind. Tells me every time I see that “quack” (my counselor) I come back more f#+*led up and I should stop seeing her. He’s scared. Leaving 2morrow 4 10 days 2C family. Now he says he’s anxious, how can he take care of himself. Countless times he’s told me he’d B better off w/out me, doesn’t need me. He knows I am about 2 B empowered by family I never get 2 C. Tonite I already feel empowered, as I just found this article and ur comments. Thanks. My sis says women united R POWERFUL! Let’s do this, we CAN! Peace Be With You all – L
Oh God this is my life my teenage children and I are stuck in this hell I am sorry for what everyone is going through we live it everyday it’s so frightening I cry daily and it hurts to see my girls suffering I know I need to leave for all our sakes but he’s got me so beat down and scared
Terry you wrote my life story, 27yrs later and I’m walking in your shoes!! Thank you for sharing your own story! Jan
Hi I hope in the two years since you have found some peace. My story was very similar to yours, in the way that it ruined relationships and how everyone believed him- mostly also because he is wealthy and people say blood is thicker than water- but my family prefer cash! In any case, my divorce from my ex took 3 years, mostly because he was trying to ruin my life.
He almost succeeded. It was the loneliest time of my life and I just hope that more people can understand how difficult it is to get away from people like this.
Omg its like you have written my life story. I have been married for nearly 30 years….very quickly at the age of 20..and similiar situations in my life..had job..kids came along…i was the one running around taking on the extra responsibilites…first incidence was he stopped me visiting my parents house for 6 years..as my sister elopped got married and brought her partner to live with them..so that was not approved of by my husband.at the time I thought I would be obedient and i had enough isolation from my family proceeding that.
I suffered a misscarriage at 5 months and couldnt understand why he couldn’t comfort me..I went into depression over long periods. 10 years of my life I spent working and contributing to household expenses and took care of my 3 kids.my own family missed out on seeing my 3 kids and as my own parents had a problematic relationship..I gave it 110% thinking to myself that i will never do what i experience with my parents..my mother being the aggressive one in my parents situation.
There were many small arguments that i found that I coukd not even get to express myself..let alone win any arguements..after 10 years I received so much pressure from my in laws that i finally agreed to take a career break.
This point he moved me away to another area..and i did not realise it this made me more isolated..many years he was engrossed in setting up and building his public profile..was successive career choices and I would be like his PA investing in his interest as i helped him stroke his pride and fed his self grandier attitude. I remember he would have so many expectations of me and often got angry when he dinner wasnt ready or i hadnt ironed his shirt..hes dissaproval spilled over from verbal to physical at times..and I felt that i was in the wrong and not worthy. He could never get himsrlf to invest any time to me or the kids..only point of interest were talking about his work situations and work politics often making mention some of the strategies he was doing to maximising his chances of acquiring more financial..status in his work.
I had a 3 miscarriages in succession after my 3 rd child..but he again did not take interest and there I was left to look after my 3 kids and do errands and basically managed the whole house hold.Any discussion or talk where he would express an opinion quickly turned into firing line of cruel and harsh words,sometimes became brutal infront if my kids.
Basically when i had my 4th child with hormonal aid.i fell pregnant straight away and this was not taken lightly..at that time my husbands career had taken him into executive roles..he was frequently away on business to other countries..delegations etc.
He didnt want to stay with me…I had throughout my married life not had the oportunity to make any friends..as I met him in school.and was the first person I became close to..with dysfunctional parents we had something in common. He persued marrying me and this was accepted on the condition we bought our own house straight away.so right from the begininng I have had controlling issues..
Having my 5th child and being busy …I would be on the other side of his constant disapproval..and to this date anything and everything was my fault.His anger is due to me..I have lost my self esteem..I stay confused and anxious for the last 14 years take medication..I have sought counselling at least 3 times and he has always said he doesnt need it and im the crazy unstable one..I was constantly verbally reprimanded for interupting when he spoke..and these went on for so long.
I have big gaps of my past history..when kids ask me if i rememberedsomething precious about them. It made me ill..to the point i had wanted to end my life…I had no help from anyone and made to feel that i couldnt approach any family member becuase he would not tolerate an outsider knowing our problems.
So far I have managed to pull through with some effort of my elder kids..ones doing mental health and she made a mention of narcissistc word..itmake so much sense to me now..how really drained and sapped out of my own identity I had been left to my own vices to cope with my husband..still living him thinking he was the same.
2009 we were involved in a car accident in france when the car tyre cracked and caused the car to topple over itself 2/3times landing on it roof with petrol that we had just filled from the station just fountaining out…myhusbands reaction was to save himsrlf while My instant reaction was to get my kids out..while being dossed in petrol. I called out and he had moved to a distance to take himsrlf out of danger..thats when it hit me..something emotionally didnt settle with me since then.
He eventually came as by passers on the motorway stopped to help me take my 5 kids out and he decided to call it shock made him not think.
4 years ago i befriended a fellow through friends united from my primary school years and began emailling..i managed to tell someone outside my marriage about our problems..it was then I realised that my relationship was not a normal one and began to keep in touch on a mutual basis ..there was no other readon apart from mutual friendship..one day my husband got hold of all my email..and my life since then has become more unbearable..he had controll now it was control and humiliation..suspicion and hatred..that was freely expressed he wasnt going to let this weakness in me go without aiding more power and control.
I was interigated for 12 days and 13 nights…where he analysed each and every email..over 4 years i had about 30 emails and none actually had any emotional flare..but it was enough for him to call it an affair and label me as unfaithful etc.
Once i got itritated and said i would give him the context of some emails he put his sickly twist on..he got so angry ..he lashed out physically when one if my daughters managed to create distance..i managed to diall 999 and he was arrested and cautioned to keep away until case was taken to cps. He still managed to work on kids..expresding deep regrets and promised to take me to the holy place..as I am of that faith.
We did not have an event free trip there but full of failed expectations.
It has been 3 years since rhen and I come to the crossroads that i need to break free for my on sanity.
I have 6 kids with him and never thought divorce was an option.I have asked him to get anger managemeny but not succeeded in convincing him..he is in denial and always bounces it off me saying i am mentally ill..I have been to cbt several times now and they said it is not me and just give me advise how to cope with his personality.
He will not go to any counselling full stop.
Due to an assault situation recently I have finally went and reported it to the police and they have asked him to keep away until court date.
So now hes has been festering and trying to get me to withdraw the case and amicably come arrangmen.I have decided I will not have him brush this aside and made myself clear that i would like separation.I fear if comes into the home he will take control He still is not giving up,as his public profile will get exposed..so in early stages of separation.
I would be silly to rely on his assurances..as he passed record doe not prove that.
but why did you keep having children by this man?
thank you everyone for your comments. I am just discovering after 36 years of a desperate unhappy marriage what the problem is. it is so hard to spot and my husband draws people in with his lies and deceit. I am thinking of walking out but have to find a way of living. it is impossible to discuss anything with him I have tried over the years. I thank God for supplying me with friends who believe me but many people don’t. it has come as a bit of a shock but I don’t think I can live with it any longer. He has moved into the spare bedroom but that is to keep me in the house, I was disappearing to friends as often as I could. I have tried marriage counselling in my ignorance but it is all a waste of time and I got very upset when the counsellor told me I haven’t thought it through and it won’t take much to fix it.
Hi Evette,
The Narcissist is extremely subtle in his ways and because of that it is very difficult to understand what is exactly happening. Most people on the outside rarely see the real person they are at home. This is because a Narcissist is very intelligent and knows what he/she is doing. They thrive on admiration from others and to have people look upon them in a good way is crucial. So the abuse that a spouse suffers is insidious. No one believed me when I told them how he really deals with me. They all thought he was the kindest, most generous person. He would use that to back up his behavior against me and tell me, “See! Everyone thinks I’m a good person except you”. ” You just don’t appreciate anything good from me”. And then it becomes my fault.
I asked him to leave the house but he refused. He told me he wasn’t the one with the problem, it was my problem and I would just have to learn to change the way I thought about him.That is, I had to learn how to agree with him on everything, tell him he was always right, hide my depression and frustrations so he wouldn’t have to see it, basically, just put on a smile and keep going. I actually did that for a while but I discovered that all it did was ate away at my soul until I become nothing but an empty mindless shell inside. I think his refusal to leave is exactly that, you are his source of supply and he wants to keep you near, also, he honestly feels that it’s you not him that has a problem so why should he leave?
You are not the problem. If you feel like it’s difficult to express your feelings to your husband and when ever you do, he just puts it back on you then this is a problem. Does he ridicule your feelings? Do you feel hopeless that no matter how good you try to be, he still deals with you the same way? Is he nice to you sometimes, compliments you, buys you gifts and then turn around and insults you and blames you for things? Does he tell you how much he loves you but then does or says something that is the opposite?Narcs will be nice enough to give you a little bit of hope that all is well to keep you in the relationship but if they see you are too happy, then they turn on you in very mean ways. The goal is to control and manipulate your emotions. They use projection. They do or say something wrong but somehow twist it so that it looks like you are the one who did it or they simply deny, deny, deny, which is how my ex-husband did it. Do you feel he never takes responsibility for his bad behavior? Most Narcs have a way of weaseling their way out of things. Do you try to bring up something to his attention and you end up just feeling worse than before? Does he control most or all the finances? I couldn’t spend a dime without him knowing about it. He would say things like ” You can go out and buy what ever you want for yourself” and he’d hand over the card. When I got back, he’d yell at me and tell me I spent money on foolish things I didn’t need. I stopped shopping.
If you argue with a Narcissist be very careful to not let yourself get upset. My ex used to provoke arguments with me and he would play with the words to the point where I would get upset and either cry or yell back at him, then he would shift the focus to my behavior and away from his by saying, ” Look at yourself, I can’t believe how you are acting? All the while he caused it. This was very, very, very, common.
I’m telling you….they will make you feel like your crazy. They will give you hope and then knock you straight down. They are very keen on your weaknesses and they have no problem using it against you. They will sabotage your emotions and they will never take responsibility for what they do. Most professionals, therapists, psychiatrists, will tell you to get out of the relationship before it’s too late because Narcs will not change. They don’t have the ability to see their own wrong doings. They truly are very self=centered and focused only on themselves and their own needs not yours. It’s a one way relationship. So unless you plan to cope, which is what you will have to do if you stay, then I suggest you try to leave him to save yourself and kids. If you have children it makes it harder but there is help. Go to a shelter, a family member a friend, tell them you want to leave. Make a plan and get out.
I hope I have helped you. I have been through this and have tried to learn everything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder that I could find. I knew just from living with him for 30 years that things would not get better so I finally stopped telling myself that. I was not willing to live a life that I had to cope with. That is not marriage.Marriage is two-sided not one, and I wasn’t about to sacrifice anymore pieces of my soul to a person who I know was never going to care about anyone but himself in the end.
This is exactly my story. Thank you. I am recently divorced after 35 years marriage. Always thought everything was due to me. After reading about NPD and all the sites I came to understand things and it is so helpfull. Because only people who have lived in a life with NPD understand. A lot of friends, family etc think you are the one, but then if you have believed and lived that life, how can they believe what you are telling them. They simply think it is your depression etc.
Mel, I just felt like I wrote this story about me! A Narc is truly a persson with passive aggressive behavior. My husband lost his dad at 13 from drunk driver and his mother is very manipulative and controlling so the apple didn’t fall far from the tree although he is good at saying his mom is queen of denial! After I filed for divorce a couple of months ago I recalled a conversation my sister in law had about her dead husband, when he was alive her parents kept a file on him. She told me her parents were not very nice people but they were all she had. Interesting she has been mind melded and controlled by her mother too. Mom thought daughter could never do anything right as a single mom but grandma was always right! In the end, I am the only outsider in the family and I see that my mother in law is as bad as my husband and she would like complete control of her son so I am sure is fueling the flames of misery for me thru her son! I remember each and every day that God is standing beside me as I walk thru life, that is how I cope these days. God is my best friend! He helps me thru the pain as my husband won’t move out of the house and is torturing me with the nice guy/mean guy. I never know who I am going to come home to and avoid him! My counseler told me that everytime he does something mean to immediately do something that makes me happy to counter him. This has also helped. I go out to the garden and look at my roses when he is abusive. Good luck ladies. The breath of fresh air, the freedom of mental abuse and the relief of the stress is worth the move away!
I have read all the comments and many are similar to my experience. I have been in a relationship for nearly 30 years. It is always good guy/bad guy. Over the years I tried to leave many times, but kept on trying purely for the children’s sake. When my youngest son was little he would cry and get upset saying things like others with ostracise at him at school. Now my children are older, they do not care if I leave or stay, actually now my younger son wants me to leave and often begs me to leave because he is older and can see how his father manipulates and treats me and he starting to do this to him. I never have a say, only say I get is if it is convenient to him. His behaviour is what you said a passive aggressive behaviour, when something goes the slightest bit wrong, it is my fault, i am always to blame for everything going wrong. For the last few years, God has been my best friend also. It has helped knowing about this syndrome, I learnt about this from his nephew because, my husbands sister has the same symptom. For years it was like treading on eggshells but now I have learnt to manage by surrounding myself in a protective bubble and also from God and prayer. However, even today I am not sure if I should stay or leave, the only good thing is he is not violent but his abuse is all verbal with swearing and putdowns, i am never write, our relationship is always one way. He also controls all our assets and money and when I did own my own home before we were married he eventually convinced me to sell it so I am left with little. I went back to school and got a degree and now I am studying for a postgrad. Yes,like you I do something that makes me happy to counter the sadness and loneliness I often feel.
Thank you, Jillian. My situation has a significant number of similarities to yours. As you know, it helps soooooo much to see the coping others have used . . . most especially when you are staying due to the children. I have no concerns about surviving on my own — I will be fine — but I try to stay protected as I remain, for now, in this relationship and get my kids all raised up. 6 more years to go. Your statement that, “even today I am not sure if I should stay or leave, the only good thing is he is not violent but his abuse is all verbal with swearing and putdowns” is where I live. I do have one thing I do that makes me very happy — he frequently tries to invade into that and put me down over it — but I will never quit. Fortunately, I am naturally buoyant so after a bad episode, I bounce back (although those episodes continue to be deeply heart-wrenching at the time), and doing what makes me happy erases all of it. So that’s one way I’m able to stay on. Good luck to you.
I’ll finally get this right maybe: It’s MEL who wrote the post I’m responding to….See what a klutz I am…. Sorry. Anyhow, thanks for your post, MEL. I’m going to carry it in my wallet for support as I try to find my way. Ruth And good luck to everyone else too.
Thank you! Spot on.. I made him leave. Very blessed to have God as my defender. Most difficult after 25 years of marriage- life is south sweeter:)
God Bless! I made mine leave 2 weeks ago. And I feel free the kids feel free, no more walking on egg shells. What a horrible monster, we were living with. We have peace and harmony back in our home again…Praise God!
Hello Yvonne
I myself came from a bad relationship due to dealing with a narcissist. I can relate to your story. I was 34 years old and he was 47 years old at the time. everything was going well at the beginning, but little by little he started showing his true colors. He belittle me, consfused me in many ways. for example: I caught him many times cheating or trying to talk to other women and when i would approach him with the facts he would make me feel crazy and that i was nagging and it was all my fault. Somehow they drag you in the relationship so deep that you find yourself helpless and attach to them. although your soul wants to run out and die somewhere you find yourself jailed to them. they make you feel worthless and that they are the only one that can love you. they will aslo bad mouth you with their family and friends and the worse part is that they are good story tellers so everyone belives them. they wear you down to the point were you are no longer yourself. i started feeling unpretty. I thought I was stuck to him. its funny how my soul would tell me to get out but my mind would tell me you are set with him. you cant go no where. you cant do better. hes perfect for you. and all this because they make us feel this way not because its reality but part of them. They dont care about no ones feelings, they do not know how to love, so how can they love us? finally I was able to escape this tragedy. i would call it a nightmare, but its deeper than a nightmare because a nightmare passes once you come into realization that it was just a bad dream. but a tragedy can last a long time. Im still not over the pain and its been 2 years since i’ve been free from his abuse. so yea it a tragedy. today Im married to a wonderful man that loves me and appreciates me and sees all my qualities.
As I read your post I kept on saying wow, this is my life and this is my life. what do I do I have only being married for 7 months. what did I do I want my marriage to work But my husband act just like you describe and I am confused
Hi, just wanted to thank you for sharing your story! It was so helpful & informative. I have been on a journey to discover what my husband has for the last couple of years. I know he has mental health issues & was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder but know that it’s more than that. My daughter suggested he is a narcissist. I started researching & believe that is what he has! I have been married to him for 33 years & have been miserable for most of those years! I’ve never felt that he loved & accepted me for me. My self esteem is so low because of always being criticized by him & never getting any empathy whatsoever! I am thinking of leaving but only have a part time job & also have to have major surgery soon & will need help during recovery but know he won’t be very helpful anyway! I have so much to share but it would be a book!! Just wanted to say thank you!
Hi Mel
Two years on from your comment to the other lady I can honestly say your quite right. I on the other hand have been made homeless without finance as I worked with my husband. This being he probably thinks it will work in his favour, as he comes across as Mr perfect when in outside company. Far from it . He has all the traits of a Narc and more. The way he has shamed and demoralised me has left me sick to the stomach. He is a man of many secrets. He has basically destroyed my inner spirit. Getting through this and other issues ( some addressed ) is going to take such strength, I’m not sure I have after what’s been happening. I only know that I’m usually of strong character so I’m going to give it my best . Even though it’s all been my worst nightmare but began the complete opposite. Reading comments like yours is encouraging
R
Its so much of a relief that there is other people out there that are experiencing the same thing… many times my heart has felt it was going to give in but by the grace of god and family support ive kept going.. leaving is the hardest thing for the love i have and emotional attchatchment keeps drawing me back.. We have three beautiful kids all grwon now but his abuse and alcohol problem drains me. He’s in couselling but i dont think he tells the truth there.. Hope has just about all gone. Married and divorced from him but 20yrs plus why am i still with him. ? The flowers the gifts the sorries, but it keeps coming back round to the abuse verbal and aggressiveness. Even though he’s gone to prison for manslaughter and that was my fault in his eyes i feel i am punished all the time watching what i say or do .. i am the one who needs help not him
I am dealing with same, all his friends say what a great man he is, yet they do not know what I have lived with for 42 try’s , we have 4 grown kids , 3 wonderful sons, that he will even tell people I raised them , as he was too busy working , and actually any free time , he spent with his friends. My sons are all vert happily married, as I kept my unhappiness hidden from them, the only time we did fight was when a few times he never came home tell the next morning. I was furious… Even my father in law, who was UN faithful, warned me about a certain woman, who I was friends with, and he said , do not trust her with your husband, .. So the next day, I old her she was never welcomed in my home again, she had a bad reputation. I have always been a church raised girl. And on my own always got my kids to sun. School , confirmation classes. I went to there sporting events, oh, I somehow , forgot to mention, we have a seriously special needs daughter, my only girl, she still lives with us, she needs complete care for everything , is even in diapers, blind, can not speak , and has seizures. So when the kids were young, if I had an event at her school to attend, he would say ” get a sitter”. Yes, for real……..
Hey, can you contact me? Its the special needs child part that makes it hard for me to just leave.
Is there a support group or people who have been through this who get together face to face?
I am learning that my husband is the same. I have realized his behavior and put it into words but reading all of these posts makes me realize that he truly has a problem. His mother is undoubtably a narcissist 100%. I am so scared right now. The realization has hit me like a ton of bricks. This description you give of your husband… how kind and nice he is alllll of it describes my husband. We have issues because of his mother being a destructive force in our relationship. He used to never stand up to her and kind of does but he’ll have a 1 1/2 hour conversation with her after her destructive behavior and tell me how much she admires me after she tries to destroy me and my husbands relationship. I feel alone in this. I have two children, do not work I homeschool my children, but do have money to leave. He has humiliated me in front of people on numerous occasions. Everything you can think of or went through has happened to me. He lashes out out of no where just because I make a comment he disagrees with. Everybody likes him. No one would believe me if I told them how he is. He has his sister and mother to back him when I have no one. Don’t know what to do about my dream of a happy family. My kids are so precious. I don’t know what to do. I have tried to make him see he apologizes for everything then take it back and says he’s sorry for how he’s treated me. He says he can’t believe how he acted. But it’s continued. And now I’m fed up so I don’t put up with it anymore and it makes me angry and confused. I don’t feel like myself with him. Everything is fine as long as he’s happy. I told him once that the does not have the capacity to deal with me or my emotions. He doesn’t know what to do and disregards everything unless I’m getting angry over something he’s angry about. He has “thrown me under the bus” many times just to uphold what people think of him. I don’t know what to do. I’d hate to believe that this is truly the person I married and that this is truly the way it is. At one point I wa in an accident. I couldn’t work and he allowed him mother into my life to put me down to put it in ashort story. The abuse verbal emotional I faced from him his mother and sister was unbearable. Why did I stick it out with him???? Every now and then I’ll get so angry that I bring up all the crap from the past and it just floors me as too how much I’ve endured from him. He’all say that the is living and bring up things he did for me. I’d say if we had no home no money to buy anything, what have you done for me what could you give me…. he can’t give himself so then he turn so it around on me and says I have never shown him love and that is just not true. He has called me stuoid niece, blamed the chaos from his mother in me becsuse I never confront her and when. I did he never stood behind me and instead still invited her over. I don’t want to be part of this crazy family. I am a Christian woman I forgive and do look for the best in people I love… all people too. I have hid behind this notion that I have been doing the right thing, being a patient wife. But honestly when I think of leaving the thought that kills me is him making my life hell, him turning people against me, and Amy children. I know I’d be fine otherwise. Don’t know what to do… I want to go to counseling. He needs it badly he ea sa
I have been married for 2 yrs and I never knew What the problem was. Until a friend said he is self centered and upon me reading up on it its like I’m reading just about him. It makes me so sad I’m so frustrated
Yeah….I feel the same way you do although I’ve been married for 12 years and even put myself in a state of denial in some time ago that I may be married to a narcissist….now I KNOW I am married to a narcissist and seriously as I read and type out my own response and replies I keep talking to GOD because it’s really making me sad the more I come to the realization of what I’m married to.
Now everything is clear to me and I am feeling so lucky today after reading everyone’s responses that I didnt get married to him !!!!!!!!!! we were planning and had told our families , I knew since beginning there is something wrong with this guy . after reading the articles i know its stem — his abusive and controlling mother . Till today i was grieving that things didnt happen between us but now i am feeling glad. its better to grieve for months than grieve your whole life . I always wondered how can anyone be so cruel so insensitive and lie when its just not required , He lied about everything to the extent where he showed his sister’s pic as his girlfriend and i was shocked when i discovered that noone can do that. He stole his sisters stuff and gave to me which i discovered later . he lied to me about his mother’s religion and his dad’s designation , about his past about his age . He owns a big car and feels he is superior to everyone . He treated me so well in the beginning where i got emotionally attached to him and then he totally changed like somebody has turned off a switch …I FEEL GLAD AND SO FREE TODAY
I was married to a Narcissist for 30 yrs. It took me a very long time to discover that there was a name for his behavior. For many years I suffered through his crazy-making psychological abuse. He blamed me for everything that went wrong in our marriage and in raising our five children. Nothing I could do was ever good enough to please him. I was either all good or all evil, there were no in betweens. I would do anything to get bring his abusiveness to his attention, even beating myself with my fists in front of him in frustration just to have him belittle me further by telling me I was stupid and crazy. He showed no compassion or empathy towards me when I would cry or talk to him about how I was feeling. He would often refer to me as a diamond that fell in sh..! I was good but I had many flaws and needed improvement. Meanwhile, trying to point out any of his flaws only ended me up locking myself in the bedroom closet crying for hours. I would tell myself there was something wrong with me because no matter what I ever did, I couldn’t make the problems and the depression go away. He would force intercourse on me while I was crying, but it never seemed to bother him. He would insult me in front of other people or just simply ignore me. All the while, he would buy me gifts and tell me how much he loved me and blamed me for not seeing it or appreciating it enough. My moods became dependent on his moods on a daily basis. If he was happy then I could be happy, if he was miserable, I had to feel miserable with him. I endured this for many years. I finally walked out on him 2 years ago and am now getting a divorce.. But the games and manipulation has not ended by far. I pray for the day to come when I will be completely free from this ugly man and have him out of my life and as far away as possible. Strength and faith in my religious beliefs is what is getting me through. No matter what, no one deserves to be treated like they have no value as a human being. Narcissists will play with your head and your thinking and try to make you lose hope and faith in everything good you believe in, they start by dismantling your soul piece by piece. Anyone who believes thay are married to someone like this, just know, there is very little you can do for them. You honestly have to start taking care of yourself and the best thing is to get out! Narcs don’t change because they only have the ability to see their own self in the situation. Not you! Get out while you still have a shred of dignity and sanity in you. Thank you.
Your article left me with me many tears. I hope you are doing OK. I’ve been dealing with this with kind of person for 8 years….very difficult
Hi Alexander,
Thank you for writing this article. I am married to a narcissistic husband. Everything you mentioned in your article is all true.
I’ve experienced them for 10 years until finally leaving the relationship 10 months ago. It took every ounce of me to finally act. During our time together, he would go from slandering my being and then next, say nice things as if nothing bad happened–he’d tell me I’m broken and sick in the head just because I would express some disagreement but he would say other times that I’m the most rational woman he’s ever met, and lately, called me inhuman for not apologizing for something he believes I caused him to do (choking me to shut me up). I never could question his wearabouts either, for he says it’s not my right. He never allowed me to be alone with his family otherwise he’d get mad and accuse me of being a mess maker. No one, I mean, even his own father, sister, children and other immediate family members contact him except his older brother. Most importantly though, image is everything to him. After the courtship was over, he’s tried to convince me to remove my mole, so that I can look prettier. And the list goes on and on. It’s really sad because as much as I want to be mad and angry, I feel sorry for him. I never could understand his behavior, and all a while I was blaming myself for not being able to meet his expectations.
I lost so much of myself throughout the years. My health also took a toll. And that’s when i said, it’s enough. I am now slowly regaining my self-image, confidence, esteem, and holding on tightly to what I know is truth. And I thought that may be this separation would enable him to seek within himself and find a way to change. May be he’ll miss my presence or realize what he’s losing or may be realize his mistakes–WRONG. If anything, he’s worse.
Now, I’m still struggling to let go of him emotionally because after all, I participated in feeding his ego. How he praised me for that. If you’re with someone who’s a narcissist, at one point you have to realize only one of you will be happy.
Thanks so much for creating this site. I found it today just when I’m having a difficult time. It solidifies my plan to move on with my life.
Mine made me get rid of a mole that others considered a beauty mark! I am a pretty woman and he is an old man with bad skin and burst blood vessels in his nose from drinking. What was I thinking???
I recently got married to a man I thought was the love of my life…he’s a narc..nothing I do is good enough. He puts me down n makes me feel like I’m the stupid one…even if its his fault.we almost split up n he said we needed time apart so that I could appreciate him more!!! No thought for my feelings whatsoever. I can’t do this much longer
Thank you everyone for sharing. I am married to one for these 27 years. I can’t get away from him because I know he will harm those I love who live closest to us. I can only pray that God will change him ; I will remain spiritually, physically. mentally and emotionally strong. And I tell myself not to forget that he really had a disorder instead of me. I thank God for good family support from my siblings though they can’t do much, my job, my friends . Yet, I wonder why he gets away with all the nasty things he said and done .
Hi Tap, and everyone. I’m married to a Narcissist for 30 years. I don’t say I ‘can’t’ leave him, because that would not be completely honest. I’m retired but work a part-time job and materialistically, I have everything I’ve ever wanted – in fact, thinking back on my life, I’ve actually had and done everything I ever dreamed of doing DESPITE him! Don’t get me wrong, I went through all the horrors we are all very familiar with, but being an only child myself, I guess I had in me a God-given selfish nature that has served me well and helped me not only survive, but learn, thrive and have a happy life. At this point, all my fear of him is gone – I’ve seen with my own eyes how all the rages and violence masked a complete coward, that all my fear of him was wasted. I ignore him now instead of him ignoring me, I’ve always come and gone as I pleased and moreso now that we don’t have the responsibility of children, and I always kept my own money from the first year of our marriage when I saw him for what he was. I no longer attend social functions with him, which takes away his opportunities to humiliate me publicly, yet I attend social functions of my choice, without him. I’m an INTJ personality anyway, so I’m capable and honestly, happier doing things alone, like go to a movie, shopping or dinner. He pays all the household bills – I’ve left him no choice, buys all the food and now that he’s fully retired where I do work a couple of days a week, he also does the food shopping and cooking, laundry and some of the housework. Perhaps the tables have turned in a sense … since about 2 years ago when I started reading about this and realized what kind of monster I’d married and started examining my options and choices at this point in my life, I guess I figure he owes me for the past 25+ years of sadistic abuse he put me through, and I’m happy to take it.
Well said “R” – good on ya’ as the Aussies would say!! I, too, am married to a narcissistic husband (and was raised by a narcissistic mother whom I now take care of, as she’s 93 yo). In any case, I’m an INF/TJ (it depends – mostly INTJ in my professional or academic environments, and INFJ in most other arenas of my life). In any case, I was SO happy to read your post, and take great comfort in seeing someone really thriving DESPITE the difficulties inherent in this kind of relational dynamic!
After accepting that my husband is incapable of actually loving me, but also loving my home, the town where we live, I began creating a life of my own which includes becoming a runner (7miles/day, 4 days/week); strength training, and martial arts training (I’m taking my test for High Blue Belt this evening). All that to say that I applaude you, me and others who’ve found ways of not only coping but regaining their lost and hurt Selves, and then going on to forge lives of depth and worth.
Blessings and best to us all… Lois
How do you guys who are coping–and even thriving–in this type of relationship deal with the loneliness, unaffectionate, and the ignoring? I’m really struggling (married 5 years now). He laughs when I cry
This morning I was going to walk out on a 49yr marriage. I was on the computer looking up my legal rights, when i ran across this site. It’s as if all of you have been married to my husband!!!!!! How is that possible???????? Your all saying the same things, why didn’t i find this site years ago? Oh so many questions??????? I am a very lost person, knowing that I have reached my end. Every night I never knew what my husband was going to be like when he walked threw the door. As of late, it cruel all the time. Im happy all day long, he opens his mouth, and i fall apart, and it puts me in a deep depression just like being in an elavator.and the floor opens up and lets me fall.
He’s nice to everyone else, goes way beyond being kind, he looks at me and ugly just goes all over his face. He can’t even say hello nice!!!!
I read your out look on your life, and I like it. Its kind of been the way I have handled my life all these years until lately. I would get away from him and do my own thing. This last year has made that almost impossible to do, he has been so much more agressive than he use to be.
When i got up this morning and planned on leaving, i know i would be have to live on a credit card and stay at a hotel till i found a place to live. I know I could never count on my husband for anything. He keeps control of all credit cards, my car is even in his name, I don’t have a clue what he makes, because i was a stay at home mom, i make very little on social scurity, and he takes that. I have nothing, he gives me an allowance to live on each week, which would stop if i leave. Don’t get the wrong impression, I have never wanted for anything, i live in a nice house, drive a nice car, live a very nice life, if i could use duck tape on his lips everyday life would be good. It’s when he opens up his mouth and the uglys fly out, i can’t take it.
This is what he did to me one time a two years ago, I cut down a small tree that grew in a spot by itself in the yard that was to close to the house. He saw that i had done it, and totally trashed me to the point, that i got in my car for the day, turned off my phone, and went to the beach, than a movie. It was late when i got home. He had called the police and said he was worried that i would do harm to myself. What because we had a fight, and i didnt want to talk to him????? I noticed when i was coming home from the movies i had 3 police cars around me, but didnt think anything about it. I walked in my house and he was telling them on the phone that i had made it home safe and sound. He was thinking about having me bakeracted. Two of my daughters are in the medical field. They tore him apart, saying how stupid he was for doing something that alful to me, just because he was mad at me. That had i been taken in the Hospital they would have not treated me with any kind of respect. I would have had a full body search, drugged me and kept me for 2 days. I told him, i would never do any harm to myself, because the day will come when i’m judged by God. Doing harm to yourself wouldn’t get me into heaven.
I know i have said more than i ever had intended, but if my word have help another person, like all of your words have helped me. Than i’m more than willing to share my life to help you.
I have a feeling we are all in the same boat!!
Good luck to us all!!!!!!!
I have been married to a narc for 32 years and the same story…he is cheap with his money and controlling with everything.. I have worked my entire life and my retirement goes into a joint account because I cant handle money though I worked at 3 BANKS…I attempted sucide 2 times and landed in the hospital for over30 days both times he locked me out of the house when the police brought me home after I had just been in a wreck that permanently injured my hip and back for life and he locked me out of the house and screamed I wasn’t good for nothing except wrecking HIS cars.. I had to borrow a neighbors phone to call my sister to come get me as he thinks cells are too expensive…I don’t love him, but why am I staying? What is wrong with me??? Becky Smith Choctaw, Oklahoma
Are you still with him?
So true I too have endured 30+ years but managed to hold my sanity. Though financially I had to give over to keep peace. But the tax man knows I have earned so I will get my share.
Tap,
It is not that God can’t change him, but that He gives us free will, and narcs don’t want to change, it is everyone else who is wrong, they will never take responsibility fort he destruction they cause. But God will help you and protect you and family, you need to get out, that is no life to live, believe me, I know! God Bless!
Thank you!! I always come back -& end up hating myself..
I can relate to your feelings. I have been married for almost two years but in the relationship for four years. He treats me like a child and is very condescending much of the time. He has been physically abusive in the past as well as forceful sexually. He says its not rape because were married and laughs at me for thinking so. He is very critical of others but would not tolerate being treated that way himself. I feel bad thinking of divorce. I don’t want to break up our family but I am not happy or in love anymore.
I am almost 32 years old. I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years & together total for 14 years. I have been a stay at home wife & mother for our entire marriage. We have 2 kids ages almost 10 & 7. I left him once for a few months before we were married only for him to beg for forgiveness & promise to change. He did change when I agreed to get back together. I got pregnant a few months after we got back together & he immediately changed back to his old ways & much worse. We got married as soon as I found out I was pregnant & it’s been a struggle ever since. I’ve always thought he was bipolar bc his attitude will flip like a light switch. One day/minute everything is great & the next he’s giving me the silent treatment for whatever I did to make him unhappy. At first he wouldn’t tell me what I had done, but now it’s everything I do. Not keeping the house clean enough, spending too much time (or any time) with my friends, not giving him enough sex, not exercising & losing weight, not giving him what he needs emotionally & the list goes on. Now after reading up on narcissist behavior & reading all of these posts, I’m pretty sure this is his disorder. I am the only person he treats this way. He would never allow someone on the outside to hear the things he says to me. He loves our children more than life itself & does not treat them this way. However he does subject them to how he talks to & treats me. I do not want them to learn that this is how a husband should treat a wife. He has not physically abused me, but the emotional, mental & verbal abuse is very much present. He has no regard of my thoughts & feelings. Everything I say, think & feel is wrong, but everything he says, thinks & feels is right. Just yesterday he called me a spoiled selfish lazy bitch & said that my father told him before he died that he agreed with him. I couldn’t help myself & cried all day in front of him. He showed no remorse toward how he hurt my feelings. Instead his attitude flipped to acting like nothing happened & everything was fine. I don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t turn my feelings on & off. He has hurt me so badly I feel like I don’t even like him anymore. I do not want my kids to grow up in a broken household or be dragged from house to house, but I’m not sure I can live with the abuse anymore. I’m also unsure of whether I’ll be able to support myself & our kids since I only have partial college education & have no work experience in any field except waitressing. Our marriage needs help, but everything I’ve read says there is no such help for a person with this condition. He will not agree to counseling bc therapists are crazy & he’s not the one with the problem, I am. I’m scared to stay & I’m scared to leave. He says if I do everything he says & be the person he wants me to be all will be great, but in the back of my mind I know there will always be something wrong with me in his eyes.
You need to find the strength to leave. He won’t change and will only get worse and he is psycologically damaging your children. Contact some women support groups in your area and see where they can help you get a job and move on. Hope and help are out there! I know that you can do this. You are a stong woman that has children to raise. It is more fearful to stay then leave. Men like this don’t change and can esculate to violence. It is better to have a soul and a sunny future with no money then be a lost soul worried each day about what torture you will endure.
I needed to hear that. Thanks
OMG! Everything you described is completely my story! And i mean everything! including the words he says to you! I was called lazy c…nt for being a stay at home mum *mind we are expats in a country the language i don’t speak). I was never good enough, I needed to lose weight, to keep the house cleaner, to cook food he wants to eat and more and more. Silent treatment, moods switches all the same. In the end he had an affair in our house while I was on holidays with our child. He even gave the keys to the other girl to our place and gave her my shoes!!!
I was done by then and now separated just dreaming of divorce.
I have a therapy and trying to rebuild myself, my confidence my self esteem. Still trying to plan my escape back to my country and to start a new life and to find a job.
My only advice to you is LEAVE! RUN as fast as you can while you are still young and it is not too late! They never change and they eat you alive inside. Until the only shelf is left. Sometimes is too late. Please leave him
Reading your story makes me want to cry because I can relate. Totally. I am in the exact situation. My husband belittles me and he talks down to me thinks I am stupid. I wish he would change but I do not think he can . I have contacted a lawyer I am going to get a legal seperation if he does not agree to counceling. I am hoping he will agree but probably will not.
I just read my entire life ! I don’t know how to handle this either. My husband is diagnosed with bipolar but I believe this is his diagnosis as well! He has changed me as a person and I want ME back so my kids can see a strong woman instead of this terrorized angry one.
Hi not sure if you saw my reply. Are y’all still married? I’m still married to my Narc 13 yrs now, 2 kids. They are older though, 10 & 12. I was requesting your email so that we could support each other & correspond, perhaps there is a private way to do that, I’m not sure…thanks!
I’ve been with my soon to be ex husband for 20 years. Looking back, I always knew deep down something was off about him but by the time that realization truly hit we already had a child. I thought he was immature and flaky but he was hiding far more sinister aspects of his character.
He became more arrogant and entitled as the years past. Everything was about him. Everything was my fault. He began drinking daily. It was exhausting and slowly but surely I lost myself. I became depressed, anxious and lost my joy for living. Gradually I withdrew from him. I always thought my depression was my fault but after going through the details of my marriage with my therapist, I’ve seen how his put downs and blame shifting slowly but surely damaged my self esteem and destroyed my soul.
My husband thinks he’s a good man that simply made bad choices. His bad choices include spending 20 years telling me our relationship issues were all my fault, we were not compatible and that I was not right for him. I tried to make it work for the kids but discovered recently that he’s been living a double life for almost our entire marriage. Numerous affairs, online hookups, one night stands with bar sluts, group sex, even sex with married couples. He was placing ads for married couples online. In his mind, this was all because he wasn’t getting enough attention, or I withdrew and he didn’t get enough sex or for the cheap thrill. There is always some excuse. He’s pathetic, immature and vile but it’s hard to unravel 20 years. I feel horrified to have wasted the best years of my life on such a deceitful loser. These men think they are wonderful, so special to be wanted by so many women but the frightening part is that the women were ugly and unappealing to the point where friends and family have been shocked at their photos. I don’t understand the kind of woman who would think that a known cheater would be a good choice for a partner. They’re quite simply as my therapist says bottomfeeders. The desperate and needy, the personailty disordered, the addicts and the homely women with limited options. This is what he traded a lifetime of family memories and a woman with integrity and morals for. His children have no respect for him. I will never for the life of me understand what motivates a serial cheater. He says I never will because he lived it and he doesn’t but still claims to be a good man who made “bad choices”. The only bad choice was mine — I married him.
Now of course he wants me, loves me oh so much and claims he never wanted a life with any of the “losers” as he refers to these women. Narcs are a strange and scary bunch. Always looking for attention from anyone to fill that bottomless pit of need. Then again because he’s a narc, I trust nothing he says. His remorse is likely an act intended to keep me around as supply.
I am married to a Nacs for the past 11yrs, you guys have opened my eyes, I have tried to make thIS marrige work but to no avail, he is a pathological liar, , unfaithful and and an abuser both physically and emotionally. he refused having a joint account, he will not spend his money on any household thing, he rather spend them on women. He is very critical of me, blaming me for everything while he comes out as the good man.
the kids are aware of what is happening but they asked me to stay and work things out, I want to leave him, but my kids are still very young to understand, please HELP ME.
get out for your kids sake do you want them to think that this is how a marriage is suppose to be , fear, disrespect, abuse….
Thank so much for this. have been married for the past 6yrs just get to know am married to a Nacs, he always beat me, destroy things he buy for me and when i try to explain things to him he don’t accept he always make me look like a fool at the of the discussion and now his not having s***x with me like he use to and not giving money for getting things for household and if tell him this he don’t accept he always give excuses he said is me that is feeling that way now i get confused i always think am the bad one here please help me am frustrate now already i don’t know what to do because i don’t even know myself anymore.
Thankyou for this site, I’ve read a lot about NPD after being married to one for 19 years. I divorced him three years ago and since then I have valued the freedom and peace I feel everyday. He swept me off my feet, very romantic at first until we were married. As I got to understand more about him by researching on the web (only in the last year before the divorce) I asked myself how I could have been fooled by this man. For most of the marriage he lied about so many things. He didn’t pay up and lost friends over it and at the same time lied to me so I had no idea what was going on. Until I started asking friends what had happened and I began to piece things together. Inside the home with me and the children he could be a monster and when someone came to visit he’d be charming with them. He could flick like a switch. He would always find fault. Watch me carry 10 bags of shopping in from the car without helping, watch me unpack it all and then tell me the one thing I forgot to buy. He had an ebay account and obsessively chased positive feedback for hours everyday. It didn’t occur to me that he wasn’t doing it for profit, but because he wanted adoration from others through high positive feedback. If someone left bad feedback he’d abuse then back and ask ebay to delete their account! He stole from me and the children, sold gifts that others had given us without us knowing. He was intimidating including over sex. And if things didn’t go his way he’d give the silent treatment for days. He developed a few special friendships with older people who think he is wonderful. They have no idea what he’s really like. He works very hard to show perfection in these relationships and would be devastated if they found out the truth. He’s told plenty of lies about me, but I’ve decided that doesnt matter. I can’t let it worry me. When going through the divorce, keeping my silence over what he’s like became a bargaining tool. He wanted the marriage to end with no blame. I agreed since it allowed things to be calm while I worked out my exit. I was the keeper if his Narc secret so with that I had power. I also found that choosing to ignore him rather than waiting to be ignored gave me power back. I got on and did things on my own rather than being a victim. I really believe nothing would ever have changed him. He hated it if I got upset, would be aggressive rather than show empathy. My message to those of you in relationships with guys like this is “get out”. You may not think its possible financially but you can’t put a price on being able to sleep with peace in your mind. Everyday I am grateful for the freedom I have. Occasionally I get a text from him. But I have blocked him on my phone now. Life is precious. Be strong. God speed on your journeys. X
This site has been very helpful for me. I recently ended a relationship with a man with NPD. I have known him for over 30 years as a charming and very good looking man. We met in our 20’s (I am a few years older) from work. We both flirted with each other for a couple of years at business functions. He finally asked me out (we lived about 30 to 40 min. apart). The date was wonderful, and we got hot and heavy pretty fast. I remembered that I had had an infection, and turned him down for sex at the last minute. He never called me again – except he started contacting me when we were both married to others about 5 years later. All he did was complain about his wife. This has gone on for the past 25 years – he would ask me to lunch or just want to catch up several times a year. He is still married to her – and all of these years I believed him. Last year he left her and chased me quite diligently. My husband passed away several years ago. Within the first 2 months, I started to feel very sad as he would give me the silent treatment. He is a triathelete, has an expensive yacht, but he is out of a job and is having a pretty hard time finding a job that can sustain his lifestyle. He also started blaming me for his issues, showing no empathy for anyone. I had thought I had found the love of my life, so I overlooked things. One of the first things he asked me when we were alone together after 30 years – he asked me why I turned him down for sex so long ago. He said it in a way that it was eating at him all of these years. He thought I rejected HIM – when in reality he really rejected me by not ever calling so I moved on. During that same conversation he said he had loved me all of his adult life. My son told me things he said to him – like that I dumped him years ago – and my son should have been his. Fast forward for 7 months I was tortured and unhappy with him in my life. He wanted to move in with me – and when I said no – let’s date exclusively – he went nuclear via e-mail. Then he would not speak to me, or respond to my texts, calls & emails. We have not spoken since. I am grateful for that as I started looking up the NPD characteristics. He knows I won’t ever be with him – My first husband had the same NPD problem, as did my Mom, sister and especially my brother. Because of all of those years with crazy people who picked on me and tried to kill my soul – I recognized the similarities pretty quickly. I was lucky that 30 years ago he thought I rejected him. I truly would have married him then. My heart goes out to all of you who have been married to one or have a parent with it.
Gosh, I’ve known this for a long time. But now I’m facing the reality of what to do. I’m 3 yrs married to a man who I believe has npd. He is emotionally abusive and has been physically intimidatory on more than a few occasions.
I’m so scared as we have a 2 and 3 yr old sons who adore him (and have said ‘no daddy’ and ‘stop being naughty at mummy’ when he lays into me about something trivial, usually about control. I’m scared he’ll manipulate my children. In fact I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him being with them alone, as he only makes an effort when there is an audience around. His parents are dysfunctional sync controlling mother so perhaps this is all he knows. But I’m 34 and this us my second marriage to a jeckyll and Hyde….shame on me! Help….
I am in the same situation but my kids are 22 months and 4 months. I fear for their safety. “He” also only does any thing when there is an audience. This site opened my eyes, after years of hoping and trying to make this marriage work, i see now that is will always be one sided just like it has been. He always has to be right, has full control over the family finances, only buys things that he wants,..new cars, tiers, ect….
I fear for my children……I too need help…….I have moved out and will be divorcing him but im afraid he too will manipulate my children and tell them that I broke up the family, when he is the one that is ruining us.
I am married to a Narc! We’ve been together for 10years and married for 3.5 years. I too believed he was just immature and selfish because of his upbringing. I believe his mother depended on him heavily while her husband left her feeling abandoned and lonely in their marriage. I believed that’s what kept him from being able to have a real marriage with me. I now believe different. I am starting to realize that his actions are no one else’s fault. He is the reason why we are so distant. Like many others have experienced, he too often complains about me, never deals with the error of his ways, and has little to no empathy for me during my moments of distress, when I am pouring my heart about how id like to be closer to him and have a better marriage. He ignores this and says I’m always complaining. He’s belligerent and dismissive when he doesn’t agree with me or share my point of view on a topic. It’s hard to communicate about the smallest things.
We rarely watch movies together because he says he doesn’t like what I want to see. There’s always an excuse. After racking my brain about why there’s so much dysfunction in my marriage, I’ve become to believe that he likes it this way. I feel like since day one of marriage he’s spent more time pushing me away than trying to be a partner. He never apologizes for any wrong doing or hurting my feelings. We have 3 children and I just really want out at this point. Sometimes I just wanna slip away and act like none of this ever happen. Talking is just exhausting with this man. I feel like I’m married to a 4 year old. I just don’t believe that he could possibly love me if he’s okay treating me like this.
This site has my and my husband all over it. Most of it just reiterates the most common characteristics. I just wanted to say I noticed this post because of the movie thing. We’ve been together going on 4 years and have watched 1 movie together.
What I can’t reconcile is that their time is so much more valuable than anyone else’s. He has no problem calling me in the middle of a work day, telling me that he’s locked his keys in his car and needs me to drive a spare down—an hour away. BUT, I couldn’t ask him to take five seconds out of his day to make a return to Lowe’s when he goes there several times a day. How dare I impose on him!!! He’s “working” and that’s very important!!!
Watching a movie with me would likewise, take time out of what HE has to do which is always much more important than spending time with me.
He moved to another state about 8 months ago. Devastated, I cut ties with him and actually got to a place that I was almost over him. I realized that the life I had before I met him, while I was “alone” — was pretty darn good.
I made the mistake of letting him back into my heart. He convinced me to move halfway across the country. I’ve spent every resource I have to establish a business here with him, and now on the eve of my 50th birthday, he is passed out on the couch because I was upset when I realized that he has not even thought to buy me a card. “It’s just another day” he said.
I’ll survive this. He might be a superstar in his mind, but he has no idea what I’ve overcome in this life. One day at a time, I’ll not just survive, but will thrive. SUCCESS IS THE BEST REVENGE. DON’T GET SOFT DON’T LOOK BACK.
Thank you so much everyone for sharing.
I now know I’m not alone as you have all spoken
“word for word” on my behalf. I escaped after 30years
Wow! You KNOW my future ex-husband! I am lucky to be getting out.
I like the article, however the article clearly focuses that the man is the one with the issue. I would like to simply point out that it can go either way or both.
I left my husband in December. Before that I had came across a site called “After Narcisstic Abuse there is light and love”. I came across that when I was in desperate search for answears. That was the only thing that could pin point what the kids and I were going through. Yeah, out of the list on here my husband has all 10 of the traits and also had all of the traits on the other one. He is now apparently getting councelling. I was so happy to hear that he made the attempt to get help. However, reading all of this again has reminded me what we faced and yet partialy still face.
I stayed married to a narcissist for 20 years and he almost took my soul. My advice is to cut your losses, get out while you still have a soul left, and carry on with your life and do anything and everything to build back the self-esteem that was battered down because he came first before you and the children. His needs had to be met first. I convinced him to come to family therapy with me to “help me” through this very trying time. The therapist called me at home and told me to lose this man and lose him fast. The therapist advised that it would take at least 10 years or longer to help him and therapy may not work with him at all. Narcissists are very draining people. At first, however, they are smothering you with adoration and gifts and sex but not with any love going on it is all for themselves. Then after a few years you realize that they are taking more than they will ever possibly give and have begun complaining about everything you do. Nothing is ever good enough for these individuals. NOTHING!! You are too fat or too thin, too beautiful or too ugly, too wealthy or too poor, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t with them. They will pick you to death until their is nothing left but the bones. They are vultures. My advise before you ever get involved with someone is to take them to a professional and have them evaluated before getting involved, otherwise you will spend your life in misery and he will always use the household money for things he wants, expensive haircuts, designer clothes, shoes, new cars, anything for his hobbies and he will make certain that other people outside of your marriage know what a wonderful person he is and how terrible of a person you are and how awful the children are and how he has tried and tried to do the right thing by you. Narcissists are con artists. Mine finally ran off with a 27 year old waitress and then turned around and made me file for divorce! He badgered me and badgered me every day that he wanted a divorce, but that he wanted me to file because he wanted it to appear that I was the bad person not him. He told all of his friends that I was divorcing him and his new girlfriend had come along at just the right time and saved him from a fate worse than death. It’s been almost a year now and she is starting to look like I did after the lavish gifts and money blowing sprees were over. She looks tired, ragged, and lost. Her two young children no longer smile and it is because he is berating them every day about how they are failures, worthless, and will never amount to anything. I can’t save her because she will have to figure it out on her own. It isn’t my responsibility to save her or her kids, I tried to warn her and she went ahead and took the bait. She told me he had lied to her before and I laughed. I was lied to for 20 years. The entire marriage was a lie. At first he will tell her how bad of a person I was and how I couldn’t or wouldn’t do this that or the other and then she will try her hardest to compete with me or outdo me but she is basing her behavior on his lies. Then when she isn’t perfect and fails to take care of him he will begin telling her how wonderful I was at running his business, taking care of the kids, the house, the landscaping, the finances, etc. Narcissists don’t want to learn how to do anything because that is what they have peons for, to do everything for them. They are so egotistical they don’t have to learn to do anything, and they aren’t that good at anything either. He lied to me and told me he had a bachelor’s degree and I found paperwork after the divorce where he only went to a Technical College for 2 years. Every time I tried to go back to college he made such a fuss that I would have to quit classes to take care of him. Now I understand why. He did not want me to be more educated than him. If I had a better job and made better money then it would bruise his already fragile ego. So glad I have washed my hands of him and his problems. The home is peaceful, quiet, a refuge from the world, and a place where I enjoy being now. I can have my friends over now whereas before he would not permit it. He kept me isolated and alone always under his control. So I say dump the narcissist and learn to breathe again.
Wow. I wanted to get hold of an article that would show me how best i could make my marriage work.
I havent yet been married a year. Been together just under 5.
He is a feisty little thing whose issues run deep. We have fun together and enjoy adventuring and travelling so I would like to try and like him to try before i cast it all aside.
Throughout the entire of our relationship, he has shown anger and aggression when he isnt able to process emotions or when we talk about finances.
He throws is weight about, mostly at poor inanimate objects, sat navs, door frames etc. The cat used to get booted out the front door for getting in the way. (early signs I can hear you all say).
He wants to go to counselling to improve how he reacts to situations. Which is a real positive, I just hope it will make a difference.
He accidentally hit me when he lashed out in a rage recently and (perhaps I have been doing too much reading up on it) but that has absolutly terrified me. I dont want to be in a failed marriage, but equally I do not want to be a beaten woman. A horrid pattern is what this could be. I just hope it isnt.
Please pull your finger out of your arse dear husband and sort your shit out!
I think he has narcissistic qualities… definitely. He is self obsessed, has no empathy, uses me as an emotional crutch, has ideas of grandeur. He is often really rude to staff in restaurants or in supermarkets, being overly direct and forceful with his opinions and cannot see things from their perspective. I have told him off for this and shamed him infront of the oeople he is upsetting and now it seems he is getting the hint.
Anyway, I wish you all luck and strength when dealing with these horrors. If it gets ‘that’ bad, I will leave as I have taken on your stories. So, thank you a lot for shariing your experiences. X
RUn!
It will NOT get better! Please don’t waste your life, PLEASE, it will only get worse, and he will degrade you, devalue you, then discard you! RUN!
Almost 20 years of…
Refused to marry as does not believe in marriage ( told me this months after we moved in together )
Critisism for everything I have do….raising children, cooking meals, housework, the way I drive, my accent, caring for pets, my family…I could go on and on.
He can do no wrong, is always right and has to be better.
He flirts with other women, I was told this by a friend in the beginning of our relationship, but I refused to believe it. But over the years this became apparent, I have lost count how many times I have confronted him with this, to be told it’s all in my mind, I am jealous and insecure. Just this week I have discovered yet another woman he is flirting with, I have proof of this, have asked him the question in a round about way and he’s denied it.
A few years ago whilst I was il in I heard a woman’s voice downstairs, when she left. I asked who she was he said a co-worker. My daughter told me that it wasn’t the first time she had visited our house ( I was unaware of this ). He claims there is nothing wrong with this and would not have a problem is I invited a male acqaintance back to the house ( the difference here would be I would inform my husband and be sure he ws there at the time).
He controls all our finances.
He works away a lot, says he is one place or another, but due to the consistency of his lies I believe very little.
He has to have the latest gadget, the best of everything, we have never had a social life, given up how many times I have asked why we do not do things as a couple…his answer ‘ I am not here for your entertainment !!’
He is an only child, parents spilt when he was small, both his parents have Narc symptoms. I was told in the beginning of our relationship that every bone in my body would be broken if I hurt him. Writing this I do not know why I did not see the red flags. When we visit his parents or they visit us, they always take him into a separate room to speak to him. He has never told me what these conversations are about.
All of the above I have questioned him about, but he always denies or twists things to be my fault.
I have stayed so long in the relationship as I did not want our child suffering the break up of his parents relationship. For anyone with small children, get out now. I have realised the worst thing to do was stay, the lack of respect, the lies, the deceit…I have seen numerous times in our child. I fear he has the same traits. I have mentioned a separation numerous times, to be told if I am not happy. I knows where the door is, I am told I am selfish, always wanting to be the centre of attention, everything is always about me and he fails to understand how I could ruin some ones life. I am afraid to leave, my self esteem it rock bottom, I trust no-one, most days I feel suicidal. This is not how I used to be before I met my husband, I was ful of life, happy with lost of friends and family. I want the old me back. I sometimes wonder if am the one with npd.
At Had Enough
You do not have NPD, you (like me) have a high tolerance for shit being dumped on you. And now, the shit pile is all around you and you can’t find the exit. I beg you you to read your story to an objective outsider. Preferably someone who doesn’t know you and your peeps. I can tell you life is short, embrace yourself and swim to the exit.
i had a problem with my wife 3 months ago she was having an affair with a friend of mine that happens to be my best friend, i was so sad that i never knew what to do next, during my search for a way out so i came across a spell caster robinsonbuckler@yahoo(.)com i never believed in spell casting as i thought it will not work for me but to my surprise i got positive results and i was able to get my husband back from my so called friend, if you are having a similar problem contact Mr Robinson and your problems shall be solved
Im glad you got positive results Anonymous, and I hope your marriage goes on to flourish & improve (are you getting couple counselling to assist you to both work out what went wrong & how you can repair the damage & minimise the risk of the marriage going pear shaped again?)!
I personally don’t believe in such stuff, but each to their own. Either way, if such a thing were to work, I pretty much doubt that a spell like that would work on a Narcissist, Sociopath or Psychopath… In fact i know it wouldn’t! Perhaps you need to read up further about how such people are wired Anonymous? If it the descriptions fit for your wife & your experience with her in relationship, i would be very wary indeed of relying on spells to fix things.
I say this out of concern & best wishes for your wellbeing. Take care.
I’m so glad I came across this website because I thought I was going crazy! I’m recently married to who I truly thought was my soul mate (only 8mths) and now I’m planning my way out of this horrible situation. My husband has ALL the traits listed above as well as in many of your stories. The only thing he hasn’t done is become physically abusive to me. He’s 6 yrs younger than me and this didn’t bother me when we first met because of how mature he portrayed himself. I’ve always been a confident woman. I’m educated, independent with a career and self sufficient but I notice now that since we’ve gotten married I’m starting to doubt myself in alot of small ways because of the way he makes me feel. Like I’m stupid, or beneath him and not good enough. He even recently told me he didn’t think I could have kids because I’m almost 35, half of my eggs are gone already and since I didn’t get pregnant in the last few months, I probably won’t be able to give him a child. WHAT?!?! How immature is that? And how offensive? Like with most of your stories, in the beginning he was charming, sweet, romantic, caring, made me feel like I was on a pedestal and promised alot. He made it seem like he had his sh*t together. But I found out all of that was a lie once we were married, once “he got me.” His true colors came out. In the beginning of our marriage I tried to have several conversations with him about why things had changed, about how I was feeling and that I was unhappy. These conversations usually turned into heated arguments because I was “nit picking” It was as if a light switch was going off and on with him. Every promise that he made, he’s broken. Every one! I feel like he said/did what he needed to get me, and now that he has me, he totally takes advantage of my kindness and love for him. He ignores me when he’s having what I call a “silent tantrum”, and is “so happy to be with me” when he’s in a good or loving mood. He’s not capable of communicating like an adult. I can’t take the roller-coaster anymore. This is my first marriage and though I said I wanted to only be married once, I can’t allow this man to make me feel less than and depressed all to make himself feel better and secure in his manhood. I’m not staying in this any longer than I have to. Thank God I didn’t get pregnant and we have no kids!!
I am so jealous you are in such a powerful position GET OUT NOW!!! yes get out before you get pregnant…
I know it can sometimes be a lot easier said than done, but if i had the choice i would leave the relationship with a narcissist. I guess it depends on the severity of their condition (but my understanding is they dont even have to be full blown to be destructive!) but I think these tactics will only work for so long in preparation for leaving…they wont “improve” or “change” the Narcissist or the relationship….all you are changing is how you are dealing with a big destructive permanently child who will never grow up…. And who will never really sincerely thank you or love you for it…they are not capable… Why would you want to waste your life on that if you had a choice??? Ive been about 1.5 years out of 15 year relationship with father of my child…as I of course have to maintain contact with him, these tactics are helpful for that purpose …but i really think it only really works because its like a courteous “business” relationship. It takes a lot of energy …i could not bear the thought of having to live like this 24/7…
Hi everyone,
Thanks for sharing this article and these stories. I finally get to know that i am living with a Narc. you all suffered same and very long. My marriage is only 2years long and it looks like forever to me. My husband is very selfish, liar and abusive verbal as well as physical. He beat the crap out of me on no reasons.. smaller disagreements of thoughts , So i stop arguing with him but he leave me in misery when i was pregnant. He put all that like its not his responsibility at all. I courage to do everything by myself but lost my child on 4.5 months of pregnancy. He blame me for that miscarriage and also tell his parents that my body is not capable. I begged him several times during my pregnancy not to abuse me but he never stopped. He abuse me and when i react he called his parents to prove that i am crazy. I never spent his single penny. He is having all financial control. I asked his parents several times for help but they told me that i am the one who is crazy. I tried everything to live in this relationship. I listen everytime that i am not good, i did this thing wrong, do this for me, dont talk to me. Recently i got ill n he said angrily that u always ill. I go by the hospital myself in fever n they admitted me instantly but when they said to call my husband n i called him, he came with lot of whining of medical bills and all. When i show him what he did then he buy me some shoes online by playing GOOD GUY. I think to let it go then he again criticize me for several things. I really dont want to live. I am not having the courage to fight back. I always used to thought that whenever we have babies everything will change but after reading the above articles now the future picture is clear for me.. you know i am gonna make my move but he is too smart that already everybody believe his side of story n think i m just a depress crazy person. I dont know how i able to fight back to that. Oh God! why he is so mean?
he is mean because he hates himself. 30 years in They never change. I was told to be a stay at home mom. Mean wile he was always out en-going himself . Now I have four adult children . Three of which are on to him. One fell into his horrible trap. He talked bad about me and used an inheritance to get my daughter to trust him . Sucked her in to his lies just like he did me. Shame on him. He willi destroy his own daughter for his personal satisfaction of winning over a child to be against her mother. Now i feel she is in a similar relationship. She is 30 years old and wasting her life trusting someone just like i did. I feel like a knife went through my heart. I spend all my time with my four children so he could come in and ruin the perfect family i built. He is disgusting that all he cares about is winning. My other three children are sickened how he manipulated their sister. They stop at nothing to get what they want. He wants me to look like a failure and continues to make me look bad every chance he can. Get out as soon as you can because when you think you have done the best for your family they will sabotage you
I recently got married to my husband and its been a rather unexpected journey of pain and nursing his ego. He has this thing of saying that “you promised to do this for me” even if i didn’t. If i say i didn’t not he gets angry and goes on a silent mode for as long as he can and m forced to apologies for peace sake. I feel i have lost the man i once knew and that there is a new being in him. He always apologies for the sake of doing so later after he realizes that his is wrong but will still do it all over again. The funny thing is he doesn’t preach what he practice cause he will give his friends advice about relationships and marriage but he does the total opposite
I always wait for him to find fault on me since in his eyes am made of them and its hell just leaving work and going home. I was looking forward to leaving my life with him but now i don’t even know what to think anymore.
What hurts he most is i love him despite it all and i don’t know if i can ever live without him. .
To those of you with children who are torn about breaking up your home, I wanted to say this: the fact that I came from a divorced home myself, and that fact that I believe marriage should be a lifelong commitment, kept me in my marriage to my narc. husband for 25 years. Our son saw the truth about his dad long before I could face it. My son has SUFFERED tremendously because I thought it was better that our family stayed intact rather than to get him away from his abusive father, who I left this year. If I could go back, I would do it differently. If your gut is telling you to leave, and especially if you have kids, please don’t beat yourself up over being “the one to break up the home” because the one truly doing that is the narcissist.
Read the books by author Patricia Evans. “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” and others. She also has a site you can visit.
Her books were recommended by my counselor. My eyes were opened.
After 23 years of marriage, and experiencing much of what others have written on this sight, her books helped me tremendously.
I don’t have a college education and had been at home and worked retail part time. I worried, and still worry, about how I am going to get by like others have written.
My three adult children have been my support system – my rocks. They believe in me and encourage me every day.
You can do it too. Believe in yourself. Believe.
It is so awesome not to walk on eggshells, not to anticipate his moods, not to try to please and pacify him continually, not to try to make peace, not to feel discouraged and have my hopes and thoughts and passions dismissed after all of these years. I couldn’t breath. I can breath again.
I can laugh and not feel guilty about laughing.
I’m free.
My husband is narcist ..he doesnt care about my basic needs at all.accuses me of being miser and noncoeperative in money matters. If I complain he takes it as his insult …he has become very harsh in 8 months of ur marriage. I m a pakistani woman living with inlaws…everyone appreciate s him for his dominating behaviour towards me. I feel very bad and used up by him.
I went and still going through this….it exhausts me to always defend myself when the only choice my husband has is to verbally insult me and my work so worst i was losing my energy to do my best.
20 years of marriage, he lost his job 8 times and i had done my part working while he couldn’t and instead of appreciating my effort, he just didn’t care at all.
Raising our four children, he was emotionally unavailable in most times…yet he takes the merit raising them well….how can he claims that….
Most times I was crazy jealous because I’ve seen how much appreciation he was capable of giving other people, other women he compares me with, whom he could treat better than me…..and he never got it why i was so jealous and instead got him angry and mad at me even more ….. i’m just so tired with who I became now….and i don’t get it when he wants to keep me still it was pleasurable for him to have me used? my children are now convinced its OK for us to be separated, because they have seen the cycle….
Yes…for whatever reason, people with narcissistic personalities like to feel that they have control over other people. Anyone close to them will be subject to insults, blackmail, lies, and other abusive bahvior to get a reaction from that person’s behavior and emotions. Any need or wish that person has may be used against them to get a feeling of control. The good news is it’s not about you and they can’t help it. The bad news is you can’t expect any consistent support or rational behavior from them. You also may wish to avoid being honest with them, especially regarding what is important to you. And to try to be courteous and basically “professional” at all times. It is not your fault that this happened. You have made the normal assumption that another person has a capacity for empathy and compassion. Unfortunately some people only have self-pity and what sometimes seems like an endless arsenal of ways to try to throw off other people’s balance and wellness. This will eventually become predictable. You must teach yourself to look elsewhere for support and caring attitudes, to guard who you are and what you really feel and care about, possibly to take the surface attitude that everything and everyone is fine, and to expect potential betrayal and manipulation from individuals like that.
If my spouse exhibits all the traits except wanting physical touch and sex, can he still be a narcissist? He doesn’t want hugs or cuddles like he did 3 years ago, and he only wants porn. All the other traits fit exactly.
i could really use some advice. my father is a narcissist. a very very bad one, my sister happens to take after him also. I managed to escape and completely cut her out of my life after she called child safety on me and made a lot of very bad false accusations which led to my daughter being taken away and she suffered so badly she almost died (she was 11months old at the time) don’t worry I got her back and all – this was all because I refused to do something she wanted me to do at the worst time of my life.
anywho I moved closer to my parents not long ago because they are getting older and my dads kidneys are failing so hes been unwell. a couple months after moving here, it was easter and mum and I were talking outside and he comes out and starts an argument. Accuses mum that he is sick because of her and says it all started from 10 years ago when she put a violence restraining order (oh and im to blame for that one apparently) on him and tried to leave him, in which he manipulated his way back in. not to mention the stalking he did while the vro was in place. anyway its almost Christmas and since easter we have been given the silent treatment. hes even angry at my daughter who is 6 now because she came outside during the argument and told us all off for argueing and was tapping her foot impatiently waiting for it to stop. my mum has been staying over my house overnight every 2nd weekend to have a break. then last Saturday he threatened to call child safety on me if she stays overnight at mine again because I am “twisting her mind and plotting”. ive watched my mum become more and more depressed. I don’t know how to help her without the wrath of his rage which will inturn hurt my daughter. she went to a counsellor and she asked to see me and asked me to convince my mum to leave him. but if she does, its my daughter who gets hurt. what the hell do I do to ensure the safety of my precious innocent child!?! ive never hated anybody so much in my life. throughout my childhood I was terrified of him. he is extreamly abusive, manipulative, controlling, sometimes violent and and he has no boundary that he wont cross to make sure he can control or manipulate her. when you are near him you can literally feel the anger vibrating off of him. we just don’t know what to do. its at the point where we have found ourselves just wishing he would drop dead and save us all the misery that hes putting on us. threatening my daughter is just a serious boundary breach but he sees it as power. what the hell do we do!?!
I to am married to a narc. One thing I have not seen mentioned is a narc with a drinking problem. Lucky for me that we do not have any children together. My husband of 11 years has all the symptoms and then some. He stays out in his garage all the time. The only time he comes in is to ask what’s for dinner and bitch cause it isn’t good enough. If there isn’t a cut of meat on his plate every night I am a bitch. He’ll watch TV in the house only when he gets bored and no one shows up as company. Our garage is always full of company whom he regularly hands free beer out to. Wow. What a way to get people to like and adore you. He is always offering free services to many of his friends. The minute they walk out he talks shit about them and belittles them. He has his own brother roll cigarettes for him cause he cannot grasp the concept of handling that little machine. He’s too lazy but has no problem complaining to me that his brother does a lousy job at it. When I do come out for a visit it is always an argument if no one is visiting or boasting to his friends about how important he is. The conversation always turns back to him. Never does anyone else get asked how their day was. I was sick with pheumonia this past year for 5 weeks. I cooked every night and yet never got as much as a cup of tea served to me in bed, EVER. His true colors finally surfaced. That’s when I had had enough. The last straw so to speak. He has used me, insulted me, abused me and lied to extremes about anything and everything to me since before we married. I have asked him to get involved with our finances so he is aware of what we can afford but he does not want to be held accountable for anything. He figures all he has to do is go to work, direct deposit the check and demand bigger and better and his favorite phrase is “pull the money out of your ass”. Does not accept responsibility for anything in his life and it is always someone else’s fault but his. Even when I clearly watch him back someone else’s car into the front of his tractor he will deny it to the owner and blame someone else. There is no empathy towards anyone. All I am to him is a piece of meat. I moved out of the bedroom years ago because he refuses to shower more than once a week, has weird night dreams and talks bad stuff to me, smells from smoke and reaks like alcohol. Then he bitches that we have no sex. Really dude? Why would I want to. I tell him to hire a whore or use his hand. Since we have many animals I have been working on placing them over the past year. I am now down to the dogs and cats. I have had to find clever reasons to let them go so he does not suspect that I plan on leaving him. I was in denial for the longest time that there was a problem but finally decided about 2 years ago to do some research. The pieces started to come together and I have come to the conclusion that it is NOT me who is crazy and has a problem. It is him. I just wish his friends would see him for who he really is and give me a little more support or understanding. All he ever states to me is that “Everyone sees how much of a BITCH I am”. Thank God I do not have low self esteem or I would believe that. Everyone can be a bitch from time to time but come on. Really? He has the problem but he says that it is me with the problem. He also feels totally entitled to anything he steals from work. Small things or otherwise. He has been known to through enemies under the bus to advance his own career. What a loser. I wish everyone the best of luck. I am getting out as soon as I find homes for the rest of my animals.
You can’t be honest with NPD’s or call them on their abusive behavior. They insist that you behave as if everything is fine or they will skillfully find ways to blackmail you.
Often the best basic approach is to nod and say very little. Meanwhile you need to line up, if possible:
•People you can count on to back you up when and if necessary to confirm specific abusive behavior on his part (write down description of incident, date and time, witnesses sign, keep it well away from him or anyone who does his bidding)
•If possible find professionals who thoroughly understand the unhealthy behavior on his part and your and your mom’s healthy behavior. Ask them to help you document events. Be sure they do understand his behavior patterns and will not believe his lies. Most NPD’s will tell agonizing stories on command of their suffering and pain, and/or seem very charming and sweet, or convincingly accuse others of harming or exploiting them rather than the other way around.
•If possible, videotape and sound record his abusive behavior. Do it as many times as possible until you have good recordings of his irrational and abusive behavior. Make sure he never finds out that you have done this unless you absolutely need to use it, for example to defend your child’s safety or the reputation of yourself or someone else. Don’t tell family members if possible as they may let it slip, and at best set everyone up for verbal abuse.
No doubt he will not want to be left alone. If possible find another reason for your Mom to be away from him. Can she take days away instead and say she is doing shopping or something? Meanwhile you have previously done all the shopping for her and she can just take the day off.
This may not be an option in many communities, but look into care homes. If and when he finds out that this could happen, let him know that it is because the social services though your Mom is not well enough to care for him, or something along those lines.
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I’m so releaved I’m not alone. I’m 41 have 2 children and we live in hell. After 15 years of marriage and 2 attempts at divorce I still ask myself how do I leave. My husband has controlled everthing. finances, withholding finances, fraud, caused me to file bankrupcy, my friends, my family, who I can and can’t speak to. Etc..
He has spread lies, and rumors. No one visits no one calls. I feel like a prisoner held captive by the man who ” loves ” me. I can’t run, I have no means. The law will not protect me. I call the police and they tell me there is nothing they can do. It feels hopless. My children have endured so much and I’m so afraid they will see marriage as a prison.
Friday November 7,2014 was and will be the day I have lost all respect for the police. After a major accomplishment at my job, my coworkers and I went to a restaurant to celebrate. I called to say I was headed out for a bit. I was tired from a long day and wouldn’t be that long
When I arrived home, my doors had been wired shut to prevent me from entering. He then called the police and stated I was creating a domestic disturbance. He was standing in the pitch black house watching me try to enter. All I could think of was my son and daughter were locked in the house and if it caught fire…..I called my daughter who has specific instructions to not answer the phone if I called finally let me in. When the police arrived they asked me what was going on. I explained all the facts, I had photos of the doors they were not really interested in seeing. Then proceeded to tell me there is nothing they can do. I feel protected. They were kind enough to offer me a pamphlet to nova.org. assured me that because there was no physical harm that a pfa would not be granted. My husband then decided to tell me that it was all my fault and I should have called him but he loves me.
I have been married to a classical narcissistic man for close to forty years. He was verbally abusive and at time physically abusive. Earlier this year the police was called in after a confrontation and I was taken to a hospital just to get out of the house. Meanwhile, he projected as an emotional and chemically unbalance person, just to save face in front of the police. He told them that he hoped that I could get the proper help.
If a narcissist is never accountable for their behavior, there is no hope to getting help. If one feels accountable for what happens around oneself, you are more empowered to improved his one’s situation.
He leaves in a sphere where he is he center and everyone else is pretty much at the perimeter of the sphere, whether it is his family or a person on the street. Every one out there is to support his ego and make him look good. He wants his family to look good to the outside world because that makes him look good. Behind close door, he is abusive and controlling.
He grew up in a big family with a step mother after the birth mother died. Nothing can really touch him but he is easily triggered. At the same time he is very intelligent and charming if he needs to. Financial success is equivalent to personal success. At this point he is not getting the positive feedback from his family. He thinks that if he can get everyone to seek counselling then his life is good again.
Understanding where he is coming from makes it easier to cope and control my own environment. He likes to be stroked. One has to be careful about being too attentive as well, that will re-enforce the narcissistic ego. Keeping a guarded boundary is the only way to cope.
Parents with narcissistic spouses have to educate our children to spot the behavior so they don’t fall into the trap.
Luckily, though affected, are caring people and I sincerely hope the cycle will stop.
This article really opened my eyes. I always kept thinking things will change and that he is the way he is because of our financial situation but I have learned now that my husband is 100% a narcissist. I appreciate the posting of this article. Love is strong and it is going to be tough for me to decide whether I love him enough to deal with it and be misable or get out now so my son doesn’t have to witness it.
It’s taken me a few years to determine my DH is a NPD. He was clinically diagnosed as a Sex Addict 5 years ago (porn, online, and workplace emotional affairs) and the counselor told me privately that he is also a narcissist. I don’t know my MIL intimately but she seems to be a Histrionic PD with narcissistic tendencies my FIL is a passive-aggressive. My mother is a classic NPD mother. My sister has some strong narcissistic tendencies and she confided in me once that a psychologist told her she was a N but then she later told me he said she was a Dependent (probably because she forgot that she what she had previously said and also to gain more sympathy). So I’m surrounded by a lot of N’s and probably am attracted/attractive to them.
Here’s the traits I’ve recognized in my DH:
Official diagnostic traits
Grandiosity and expectation to be recognized as superior without commensurate acheivement
Preoccupied with fantasies of success, brilliance and ideal love
Believes himself to be “unique” and has high need to meet people (women) who “get” him
Needs excessive admiration and praise
Sense of entitlement (namely that others should financially provide for him)
Interpersonally exploitative (mostly using other women to get attention when he has no intention of building a relationship with them)
Lacks empathy and feels satisfaction when others suffer
Envious of others and believes others are envious of him
Arrogant and haughty behavior frequently
Unofficial observed traits
Contradicts himself sometimes in the same sentence
Cruely to people but excessively kind to animals
Secretly competitive (often criticize competitiveness in others)
Contempuous of others
Pathological need to be seen as perfect
Feelings of rage when their legitimate faults are pointed out
Constantly complain about the injustices of the world
Passive in regards to acheiving goals–prefer to complain about their station in life rather than change it
Naive about people they don’t know very well/strangers
Laughs at other’s pain or misfortune but rages when someone laughs at him
Values quantity over quality (wants praise for spending an inordinate amount of time on a simple task that was poorly done)
Stingy to the point of denying family
Unusual eating habits (suddenly announces after years of eating something that he hates it)
Preoccupation with variety
Crappy gift givers (give nothing, pretend to forget, or something obviously cheap or inappropriate)
Flirty and seductive to strangers but ignore their own partner
Secretive about things that they don’t need to be
Projects their own emotions onto others
Pessimistic and cynical
How do I get in touch with you? The unofficial observed traits seem pretty aligned with my fiance/exfiance.
Flirt?….are u nuts… Why Is it ok yo suggest to women to be submissive and used as sexual objects?? This is how these predators think!! Plan, get support and get away. These individuals are damaged, can’t and don’t wAnt to change. It’s ok to take care of yourself! Life is good. You don’t have to live with these controlling monsters in your life, especially if you have children.
I was with a very abusive narcissistic husband, after 11 years of pure hell on Earth. The only outside support I had, was my immediate family. he made sure to keep me cut off from making any friends. We never even had a telephone. life was horrible, living with someone like that. demanding praise, for anything he done..take out the trash, smoke a cigarette..everything. i had never known anyone like him. Nor did i ever wish to ever know anyone else like him. I ended up, taking advantage of a situation he had caused, to get away from him. All of a sudden one day, he decides that we were going to move..300 miles away!It was no reason for this, except he had to have done something. He was on the run, from the police. He was to scared, to stay at our home any longer. That’s when i made my move..it worked. I refused to go with him, he had the car loaded up with basic things. The neighbors yelled, they were going to call the police, because he was loud..and making threats to me. It got him out of there..he was gone. I went and made a call, for my sister to pick me up. I never looked back, that was that. i cut off all contact, never seen him again after that day. Oh, he tried to do everything he could, to ruin my support, with his lies. he played the victim, like i knew he would. I wasn’t going to let his threats bother me..or get me to go back to him. he thought, he could threaten my family, to make me go back..it didn’t work. he was told not to ever call, or come to their house, ever again! that was the end of him! good bye you psycho!
I have to take exception to many of the coping suggestions; i.e., using positive reinforcement, mirroring, flirting, etc. Anyone dealing with a narcissist would do well to remember that they aren’t stupid. In fact, many narcissists are highly intelligent people and not easily fooled. Some of their hardwiring just happens to be outside the parameters of what most of us consider normal, for whatever reason. As such, if you try to treat them like children, or assuage them with a load of insincere BS, you’d better be very good at it. Otherwise you could make your situation worse.
I’ve been married for 14 years to a man who has lived to serve his narcissistic mama. I learned about narcissism because she so obviously has it — 94 years old and meaner than acid. BUT, until last month, I hadn’t put it all together to see that he, too, is an extreme narc. It explains so much…the constant criticism, the sexless marriage, the need for public adulation, the constant attention-seeking and interruption of anyone else’s activity. The berating finally kicked it into me. I came home from a three day trip to drs appointments with one of our children, and he began to harangue me about a time I embarassed him in front if one of his buddies via an overheard cell phone coversation. Wtf? I wasn’t talking to the public, I was talking to one man…or so I thought. As I watched him foam and spit at me, realizing he’d never ask about our child’s dr appt or mine, for that matter, I realized that all his jerkiness was more than assholism…it was a true illness. That week he essentially raped me– no boundaries respected or consent on intercourse. I didn’t protest, but instead set my jaw. No romantic love left now. Everything has changed.
So. What to do? I am Catholic, I have three preteen children, one with health problems. I, too, need really good health insurance for a long-term, progressive condition. I don’t bring in enough money to pay rent somewhere, much less buy insurance or food/needs/college for three kids. He and his mother control all finances; our land and even our car is in their names.
I have no choice but to live with this until the kids are out and I can accumulate savings to have something to fall back on.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to climb out of the self-esteem pit and protect my kids. He’s great with them, but they do witness the mansplaining and feel the financial pinch, since I buy all their clothes, pay lesson fees, etc. They witness injustice, and sometimes call him on it. It’s not so much flattery as stroking the tiger…making sure he’s well-fed, and getting what I need for myself from elsewhere. He often says that I’ll probably find a younger man, but why would I put myself through hell again? I laugh. He says I’ll probably “switch sides” and find a woman. Why would I want anyone? I laugh. I’ll be making my own choices from now on, thanks.
Some strategies: set aside 10 percent right off for myself. Don’t deny myself when he is “treating”…eat the top steak, and enjoy it! Praise the selfless things, the good father modeling. Walk away rather than argue. If I can’t walk, then throw in a bit of humour..think Monty Python and how ridiculous life can be. Love my children. Show them it’s possible to be happy on a daily basis in spite of one or two cruel people. Pray. Smile at the sun. Still, some days it goes bad. And I read about horribly violent scenes or child access fights, and I get scared. I’m wary now, but smarter. I’m planning to live well in revenge.
If you can get out, do so. I can’t, but I now know what I’m dealing with.
my dear if you ever need support, feel free to ask web host for my email. our stories are almost IDENTICAL. been married 15 years now, he controls all the finances, my MIL is narc as well & they are inappropriately immeshed with each other it’s very Oedipus Complex. I recently started working 2 out of the home jobs, with him mocking me all the way of course. it’s hard because I don’t want to go to a full time 9-5 job the kids would suffer but at the same time I feel like I need to put a plan together because although there are certainly some ‘OK’ times I know deep in my heart that 90% of this marriage has been pain, low sex as well, no affection, love bombing then total withdrawal, mind boggling silent treatments (as in weeks no joke), & objectifying me like I didn’t think possible. you have to put together a plan. I brushed people off when they told me this & about 18 mos ago I finally woke up, stopped being a zombie & started ‘planning’. I too, am stuck but the plan is to not always be. Hang in there & email if you need support!
my narsasistic husband tought me dont get mad get even. I have four children ,now adults. I vacationed with them once or twice a year just to make my self and them happy. I justified if I could put up with him I would get something for myself and family. I made sure all of my children were educated and very strong. Now I have a back up plan. Your kids hopefully will realize your sacrifices and be there for you. I finally do not have to put up with his bulling. I can call his bluff. He is nothing but empty threats. It makes me feel good now that i learned from the best. How to lie and say what ever I want. Do not let him know you are on to him wile making your plan . Let him think he is winning. Now I am the winner. They are realy weak insecure lonely people. They need power and control because of their insecurity’s They are stupid and if they think they are getting their way and you buld your army [your children] you will do ok. good luck 30 years later for me Now he is left out I love it
Reading your story made me cry. It is identical to my situation. Thank you.
All of these comments are so helpful. Met my husband 13 years ago and saw he had some temper issues which I did not take seriously at the time naively believing he would never turn this on me. Over the years I have been increasingly walking on eggshells and our life together has been shaped entirely by his choices. I still thought that all I had to do was call him out on his damaging behaviour such as having a propensity towards nastiness, a lack of empathy or remorse and complete disregard for my feelings and wishes. However, since plucking up the courage to do this and confronting him about his behaviour he has been violent towards me on a few occasions, assassinated my character in ways far more cruel than ever before and shown that he truly does not care. I agree with one of the previous posts which said that these individuals are incapable of love. I have been devastated to realise that my marriage does not really exist because the person that I believed him to be does not exist. I always believed that he would take responsibility and deal with his issues but really I have been making excuses for him the entire time. It is not difficult to show care or take responsibility for your actions and yet these people would rather decimate your life and create an existence devoid of joy rather than do some work on themselves. It simply comes down to right and wrong and the way that narcissists conduct themselves towards others is simply wrong. Even they must see that because they are not unintelligent. A lack of remorse and conscience means there is no motivation to take ownership. I am at the point of looking into my options for leaving and getting a divorce. I did not recognize the signs for a long time because I grew up in an abusive household with parents who abused me throughout my childhood and scapegoated me to justify their behaviour. When I met my husband he swept me off my feet and provided for me financially and his wrongdoings at that point were nothing compared to what I had previously experienced. It is a shame that many of us have not seen appropriate examples of love nor been taught about appropriate expectations of care. I am facing an uncertain future as I am very isolated and have no family. Also I am terrified of living in poverty as I did prior to my marriage. Your posts have given me some courage.
Hi T, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can relate. The financial piece is difficult. I just wanted to say that I understand and I wish you the very best of luck as you go forward. -Meri
I met my husband 11 years ago. (2nd husband) He was (I thought) the best thing that happened to me. We got engaged after 3 months and after 1 month, he left me to go back to his ex wife. After 2 months he phoned me and I took him back. Biggest mistake I made in my life. After that we were on and of and after 1 year, we eventually got married. Then after a few months the abuse started. Hitting me with a fist, throwing me against a wall, broke my arm after pushing me down stairs. (had to go for a operation to fix my arm) and after a few months, I had to get stitches in my face. I went to the police and made a case against him. Best decision I made. The physical abuse stopped. After that it was the verbal abuse. He would accuse me of having affairs. He does’nt believe me, he wants my passwords, not only for personal stuff, but also workrelated passwords. Nothing I do is good enough and if he askes something, he expects me to jump up and do it emmidiately, even if I was busy doing something else. He never appologises for anything. The only thing that keeps me sane, is the fact that every time he does something to me, or say something to me, I tell myself to keep going and get up and be stronger. I once told him that he will NEVER break me. He is on his phone the whole time, and after that he deletes the conversations, even if it was with his family. I asked him why he deletes the messages between him and his daughter, his reply…it has nothing to do with you. I am not aloud to speak to my family is he is not around. I try my best to get along with his children and family and actually, the only person that is a problem, is the daughter who is actually married and have kids of her own, but she still thinks that she can say or demand (even asked her father to pay the hospital bill when her mother had a baby with someone else, she is 48). At that stage, I left, I just couldnt handle it anymore. I stayed on my own for a year, then he started phoning me again, telling me how he misses me and that he would take care of me and that he will change……..I was so stupid in believing this. Got back together, now it is even worse. It is now 4 years and there is not one day that that I am not wishing that something will happen to him (accident or heart attack) I actually told him to go find someone else and leave me the hell alone. His words to me….. He will never allow me to leave.
This article has tools to deal with a particular personality type. We all have the ways we need our tank filled, we all have ways in which we are impossible, we all fall short, we all deserve love and respect. This personality shows their love through their loyalty, making sure your future is set should they die, their sexual desire for you, their protection and leadership. To say they are incapable of love is dehumanizing and judging a heart that shows love different than you. Focus on taking care of yourself and filling your tank and then his. Be careful not to use these type as a reason to not do the hard work on yourself, make sure you don’t have unrealistic expectations, make sure you aren’t confusing your spouse for others who have abused you, heal your heart and help heal theirs. My husband had an absent, emotionally vacant, unattached father and a hysterical, bipolar, abusive mother who often told him she wished had aborted him. His defense mechanisms helped him survive and thrive and kept him from drugs. We all have reasons, love enough to find yours and his. These types can be highly successful and can make a huge difference in the world as their dreams are big. Hold on and enjoy the ride.
Hello.
I just feel so lost. I have been with my malignant narcissistic husband for 8 years and it’s getting worse. We don’t have a “real” relationship. Once I saw through his lies and sneaking and cheating and held him accountable it all went to hell. They hate to be held accountable or responsible for anything. And this article says it all – once you confront them, you get devalued and eventually discarded. In 8 years time, he has never owned a car. He is a commercial driver and felt he didn’t need one. However, how about getting one to help me out? I drive him around and yet he never has once offered to do the same for me. He is SO wrapped up in his family of origin that he can’t see straight. He wants to be with them 24x7x365. I don’t know why he even bothered to get married. I don’t come first. Hell, I don’t even make the top ten list. EVERYTHING he does is for his “family” and that doesn’t include me. He even has said as much. He said “What do I need a car for? I don’t see my family that much right now to be able to drive them anywhere”. HE SAYS THIS right in front of me!?! And he thinks there’s nothing wrong with it. He hands over money to them left and right. He just took 2 weeks vacation and went there to be with them. He didn’t even tell me he did this until AFTER he got to their house!! They enable him to be the way he is. They let him rant, and have center stage and don’t ask him to do anything and he doesn’t have to pay for anything. So who wouldn’t want to go to someplace like that? NOW, guess what? He bought a second hand car. Is this his way of telling me something without actually telling me? In other words, is he planning on leaving here permanently and going to live with them? When I asked him why he bought a car all he said was “well, it was the right price”. Ummm, yeah… right… He’s had plenty of chances in 8 years to get a decent car and never bothered until now. He doesn’t lift a finger around here. I pay for everything. I discovered he has a secret mailbox and mailing address and email account too. Hmmm.. I wonder what THOSE are for? 3 guesses and the first two don’t count. But he says he doesn’t lie and sneak. Yeah.. right. And he blames me for everything. The demise of this relationship — everything. All the while ranting about what a Christian he is. He keeps telling me that if I would just surrender it would be so much easier. Yeah, easier for who? He wants a well trained dog — sit when I’m suppose to sit, speak when I’m told to, fetch when I’m told to. He even tells me that I need to be obedient. He twists the Bible to validate how he thinks and acts. It’s ludicrous. I just don’t know how to get out! I have no support system and I can’t find a therapist here who has dealt with narcissism. I have no friends left and my family has all but disappeared because they just don’t understand why “I just don’t walk out”. I don’t either. My self esteem is shot. I don’t know if I stay because I have PTSD or it’s trauma bonding or what. But when I think of me walking out I get such anxiety and panic attacks. And now he tries to provoke me on anything so he can run to his family. Whenever he doesn’t get his way, or when I say something he doesn’t like or when he thinks I should be doing something and I don’t he runs back to his family. He just up and walks out and goes to them. He has no fear of abandonment because he still has his enabling family to run to. I’ve tried using SET statements and boundaries and disengaging and he will say “you can save your psycho babble b.s. for someone else who is stupid enough to fall for it. I’m smarter than any psychiatrist or psychologist”.
I feel so lost. I think he will just not show up here one day and that will be that. He doesn’t have the decency or empathy to just say he wants to leave. He will run back to his family as the victim (he always has to be the victim) so that he gets sympathy and I look like the bad guy.
My Dad was a narcissist – destroyed our family. Then I dated a cerebral narcissist who moved in with me. He showered me with flowers, gifts, sweet nothings.. and then one day.. he got up and left. Just like that. No explanation. 4 yrs later I was still begging for a reason. I had never heard of a narcissist.
Fast forward 4 yrs. I meet another narcissist.. He lied the first month I knew him and should have run then. Did not know he was juggling women – I thought I was the only one.. so finding him with an online dating site was pretty demoralizing after I’d treated him like a King. We broke up several times – I always came back. Missed the roller coaster ride – the drama – the great sex.. 5 yrs go by and I’m sick of the push/pull and breakups and say.. OK, we either make this work or I am gone forever.
We got married in 2011. As long as I was the doting, submissive, and fawning wife – he was happy. I kept my finances separate and even kept my house ( my security blanket in case we went South. ) Selfishness abounded. We had no friends over. He’d already turned his family against me with his lies. The MOST self absorbed person with the “bigger than life” personality on the outside.. At home he was moody and only wanted to do what he wanted to do.. He dumped all his money in an expensive hobby. Didn’t take me out – no gifts – no flowers – no nothing. He had to go out of town on business for 2 mos and met a girl. Just when you think it can’t get any worse….
He projected onto me somehow.. Witnessed his first narcissistic rage – he just lost total control, threatened to smash in my face and abandon me at a bus stop with no money.. I had done NOTHING to provoke him.. but he was battling some kind of demons — Now I suspect it was the guilt over that girl. Wasn’t the first time he’d cheated on me.
My children ( not by him) had lost all respect for me — he became more verbally and emotionally abusive until I felt my spirit was being destroyed bit by bit. He was an expert at avoiding conversation or listening to my concerns.. Always blamed me for making a big deal out of things or that I was causing drama. He started calling me fat and said to wear “loose clothing” to cover it up.. Offered to get me a boob job.. always saying how important appearances were.. Image was everything.. He was consumed with wanting to be a famous race car driver.. l50K car and I couldn’t even get him to take me out to dinner for my birthday.
I looked the other way so many times — pushed my boundaries because I’d been so abused by my Dad.. so my boundaries were fuzzy — easily shoved aside. And he knew it so took full advantage. Kept accusing me of not trusting him DUH.. Really?
Just today I decided I’m taking the rest of my belongings and leaving him. I am 66 yrs old and have been treated like dog dirt. Have heard TONS of empty promises or big plans for us ( that never happen).. and I am tired of being a servant to a man who doesn’t appreciate it and never will. He is immature – like a 5 yr old – plays the blame game.. and loves the tit for tat mentality. He is greedy – stingy – envious and arrogant.
On the outside?? NICEST guy in the World. Just like my Dad.. Always treated strangers better than his own family. I’m just burned out dealing with this crap – he is exhausting and demanding. Sex addict. Smokes like a chimney and drinks like a fish. And WHAT is the attraction you ask?? I thought he was fun. Oh boy.
Now I concentrate on ME – my happiness – and I don’t give a flying fig newton what happens to him. I was a THING — an object to be shoved around – never considered a person with real feelings. It’s so toxic and dysfunctional…
Everyone — if this sounds familiar to you.. RUN. Even if you have children.. all the more reason so that you DO NOT SET A BAD EXAMPLE and teach them it’s ok to tolerate abuse.. IT IS NOT. Be strong. Be happy.. Save yourselves — And one day you will ask what took you so long? God Bless all of you — Get away from these monsters. They will destroy you.
Dear Kay!
You speak from my heart, everything you say could just about as well be me….
I did – at one point – even feel a bit “guilty” about deserting him, but luckily got over that quickly and reading the many comments and stories above told me that I’m absolutely right to get out of there.
Good luck to you, be happy, take care of yourself and enjoy life to the fullest!!!
I am (again)!
Best wishes, Gina from Germany
this is in response to ‘Broken’. is there any way for me to get your personal email. Our stories are IDENTICAL & I’d love to correspond & support each other. I too have been married 13 yrs, 2 sons & same exact story. My narc is a GREAT dad as well that’s not the issue. Anyway, hope you get this message!:)
Dear Ladies,
I did not read each and every entry, but the many ones I did, all I can say is that you speak from my heart…….so much truth, I never realized there were so many of those out there and wives/partners who have to deal with such people. The last entry above could be me….. I also RAN 3 months ago, will never go back and he can go to hell for whatever I care, acted like a two year old…..geez! Life is too short to let oneself be made miserable.
Many of my friends think I’m ‘crazy’, he is such a “nice guy” and so on…..based on what he tells them, thank goodness I have a few that know me better (or longer) and know that I’m sane…
To all of you strong gals out there: good luck, strong nerves and lots of courage!!!!!!!
By the way, I’m writing from Germany…. they seem to be everywhere 😉
My husband fits so many of these character traits. The thing that confuses me though, is that he is only manipulative, degrading and abusive to me. He plays a super hero to the family he was born into, to his clients, to church people and the community – everyone else practically worships the ground he walks on. His activities are his first priority – and he is an adrenaline junky – so the men that surround him can’t wait to hear about his next adventures, or what he has done recently, the women all stand around him in awe and wonder. Everyone thinks he is so great, and he treats them the same.
….But with me it is so different. He criticizes everything I do, and has often re-done things his way. Because his way is always the best way and the only right way to do things. He criticizes everything from what I eat to how I fold the laundry, and has told me multiple times I am “f#$%ing” up the kids lives.
I have threatened divorce but it seems to destroy our kids. I stopped sleeping with him about three months ago, hoping that I might see some spark in him of wanting things to change – but he just wants things to go back the way they were for the last 16 years. I can’t go back to that.
When we fault he blames me for everything that is going wrong in the world. We adopted a foster care child who consistently lies, steals, and forges our names – but he blames me for having an attitude with her that won’t allow her to change. (He has the same attitude from time to time), but he quickly forgets when he sees me react to something she has said or done. Why is he so so willing and eager to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I never get his compassion?
He goes on his dream vacations several times a yer and guess how many dream vacations I have been on in the 16 years we have been married. None. I work to pay for birthday and Christmas presents for the kids, school clothes and the things I need outside of food and shelter. In 16 years he has gotten me 1 present on a holiday and that was a guitar for Christmas. But every year he worries so much about what to get his clients for Christmas. He even takes them on “gratitude trips.” – On his dime!
Is it possible for someone to be narcissistic to their spouse only, (maybe occasionally to their kids), but not to anyone else who surrounds them? Or is it more likely that this is my problem? For the last 16 years I have genuinely believed this was my problem, I am just tired of trying to figure out what I am doing wrong.
I married a Narcissist. There I said it! Just knowing that it’s not me it’s this thing/syndrome whatever makes a difference. Mine has never physically abusive although I do brace myself sometimes thinking here it comes whenever an argument starts and he gets up on his high horse . It’s never been verbally abusive although I have been called a b**** and crazy person who needs to be medicated. I’ve gone to counselling many times asking for opinions like am I really crazy? Should I be medicated for this depression? The answer is always no, my reactions are normal defensive. I’m not submissive so this relationship is not working but I stay because I’m not even sure anymore…he’s good with my daughter and loves her unconditionally, no questions about that. I on the other hand fell off the pedestal like the others soon after signing that marriage certificate for no other reason than not being submissive. Before marriage I thought he’s just difficult, I’ll get use to his ways and he’ll mellow out with time; 15 years now and I promise you there is no mellowing out. The manipulations and twisting of words during arguments, it really is an Alice in Wonderland surreal experience. You can tell what’s bullshit and half truths. The put downs are very polished so there is no swearing but you feel the meaning and intentions like like a knife in the chest. I’m constantly at battle with my inner voice on wha’ts real and thruth, constantly self doubting your gut feeling that tells you RUN and continuously giving him the benefit of the doubt. I throw his emotional garbage back in his face with hurtful words and he’s livid with indignation. My hurt feelings are irrelevant because in his mind when he says them, he’s joiking. I on the other hand I’m vindictive and cruel. Always the victim. It’s exhausting! I surround myself with beautiful colors and beautiful people to counteract the nastiness at home. I don’t invite people to my home. He has no friends and I am also to blame for that. I’m incredibly sad that my daughter is stuck living with us like this. I plan my escape too but really I know I’ll never be free of him. I know if I stay it will continue to get worse, everyone on this message board has this in agreement. I hate weekends, being home. Isn’t that the saddest thing a person could say? It’s devastating
Yes, it is possible for your spouse to be narcissistic to you and not others. Remember that he wants to be himself look good and you look bad. You are not doing anything wrong.
Oh my gosh. I’m not crazy. I am also the only object of my husband’s disparaging, bullying, and rage. He is a High Functioning/ exhibitionistic narcissist.
You are not alone. My question is since he seems to control his mental illness when in front of others, can he be helped or healed? All of the other posts are leaving or escaping. Is there a way to separate the manipulative devil from a basically really good man?
How to deal with your narcissist husband?? FUCKING RUN AND DONT EVER LOOK BACK!!!! yes there are things to do to pacify him but staying in this life will leave you crazy or dead. Leave leave leave. Those tips are good to hold him off while you plan to leave. But do not just sit and wait it out because you love him. That’s what I did and that asshat kidnapped my children and his them from me. Run and don’t look back
I have to agree with you. The key that they have is the control and taking away your confidence. You cannot be afraid of new beginnings. You will have to start somewhere if you want to take your life back.
I don’t know if I live with narc or I am going crazy or I am a narcyself. I live with him for 8 years and constantly feel that somehow he is distructing me. I couldn’t figure out what is going on. Got totally submissive, no job, no money, stay at home mum, criticized upon all the time, questioned every second, blamed on for anything, no sex, total choice control, never complimenting. Thinks he is the best. Little I knew for all this time. I was stay at home mum (after having fantastic Career abroad)thinking I have to be grateful for his hard work and thankful he is doing everything for the family. The day I asked for support I got laughed at. I asked for verbal support while being sad. I said I need his help to get out of the house and I never got it. I have no friends, my family life’s thousands miles away and they think he is such a great husband. My friends helped me see finally that he is controlling person that thinks he is the best and they felt uncomfortable around him as being constantly judjed upon. I realize that is how I live all this time. He doesn’t want to except his faults, he doesn’t want to deal, puts blame on me saying I am just always unhappy. I blame him on everything and it doesnt matter what he does it is not going to be good for me anyway. I started to just tell him what he is doing and how it affects me.
I have small kids. Please help!
What you described is exactly what a Narc does. They’ll make you think you’re crazy, and even tell you that you are. it’s not YOU, it’s THEM. So, don’t fall for the line he’s feeding you. You’ll never get support from him. They will keep you alone and away from anyone you have in your life, so they have total control over you. They won’t admit they have any faults and they have a sense that they are above you and you owe them for any little thing they do. Please read everything you can on Narcissism. It helped me greatly when I first realized my husband was a Narc. And, there are many support groups on FB that are welcoming and who’s members know exactly what you’re going through. It’s a very hard life, Betty, and it can drag you down in no time. You need to think of you and your kids and not let his nastiness get you down.
Oh what a feeling! We are mid mediation on the household, heading for divorce (wooohooo), and tonight there was a mammoth row. Started by him, detailing all the things that my girls and I (second marriage – 10 years) have done to ruin his life. Accusing me of planning to leave once the girls went off to university. BUT, what he does not accept is that for almost 2 years we have been talking about the end. We have rallied once or twice, but ultimately we are done. A recent trip to the other side of the world to see my family brought it to a head. One of my parents is ill and had major surgery and has been battling various cancers for 17 years. We went to see him to celebrate his 80th. During the time my husband went on and on about me not spending time with him, not making time for him, pointing out that my family had warmed to his son and were treating the young man they way they usually treat my husband (jealous of his own child). He told me tonight he wouldn’t have gone and he regretted spending the money (he insisted on flying business class as he could not go any other way…) if I had not insisted on it. Outcome of the trip, I asked for a divorce when we got home. He cannot fathom that I can do this (leave him) and not see how I have ruined his life and how much he will lose financially – not that much as I am not asking for a big amount, on principle, I want my freedom and will take only what I need to live and will work for as long as I can. When I mentioned that I just wanted to spend time with my father who may not be with us for much longer he said ‘you always fall back on that, people die, it happens all the time’. I see my family once a year or less, he does not let me phone them from the home phone unless I have a discount phone card.
I had read these comments before the row and even though I cried for about half an hour after it, I realised that he cannot change, he has no compassion, he is sarcastic, verbally abusive, full of extreme rage and always always always goes on about himself.
He has a creepy relationship with his mother, they have long private phone calls every weekend and she tells me all the time what it is he wants in a relationship…..
I have decided my grieving days are over, I have been so sad about the end, have thought about trying again, but now I see how little he thinks of me and how incapable of taking any responsibility for any of this he is, I accept that it is over. I want to be free of this childish bully.
Just give me strength and patience to get through the next few months as we sort out this mess.
And, thank you for this link, you have no idea how much clarity it has provided.
I am married to a Narcissist. They will stab you in the heart, tear you to pieces and convince you…if you let them…that you are a nothing. They lie for the sake of lying, so you can never believe them on anything. Therapy will not help a Narc. They will never admit they have a problem, and are usually so slick, they can con a therapist. If you plan to stay with a Narc, please make sure you always have either your own income, or some money stashed aside. They are known to be cheaters, and to discard their spouses, without even looking back. Don’t expect them to make you happy, because the only happiness they care about is their own. They won’t care about your needs or happiness. So, do what you need to, to bring yourself happiness. And, don’t expect them to be there for you in your time of need, or to even care. Your life will be one of being alone most of the time, so keep in touch with friends and family so depression won’t set in. If you want to plan to leave your Narc, plan, and plan well. Get yourself set up so you look ahead to the things you’ll need and the money you’ll need. They will accuse you of everything in a divorce and do whatever they can to make you look bad. So, make sure you find a good attorney who will understand the abuse you’ve been put through. Never let them know you want out of the relationship until you are ready to actually leave. Or, if possible, get out, then let them know. They play very dirty and will ruin you financially if they have the chance. Especially if you leave them.
I’m in the midst of divorcing a narcissistic husband ..
I write poetry ..
My love for you was true to say,
And then you took it all away ,
Love turned to spite just overnight ,
You truly are quite out of sight ,
To be so cruel , to be so harsh ,
To one you once did give your heart .
Or was it just a fallicey,
A nightmare turned into reality ,
The look you gave as you walked out the door ,
There was no love .. Just how to hurt more .
To inflict great pain on me for sure ,
You took what’s mine and even more ,
My life , my love , my hopes and dreams ,
Just evaporated into steam .
Expected me to crumble and fall ,
But I returned to stand up tall ,
To fight you to the very end ,
Feeling stronger than I’ve ever been .
An empty shell is all I see ,
Standing right in front of me ,
No heart , no soul , just emptiness .
I feel sad for you and very blessed ,
That I did finally realise ,
The nicey person in disguise ,
To strip him bare for all to see ,
The coward he became to be !!
Good luck my fellow friends … Stay true .. Stay strong .. The truth will always out !! Xxxx
It is almost unbearable. He is right about everything. He knows everything. I am a moron, I don’t use my head, I am always being told I live in an altered state. I use to have so many friends, I had my girlfriends come to the hour, we would go out. Now I have nothing. I have no friends. He has told.me.to get friends.or a hobby . So I invite friends over from my old neighbourhood, their parents are in town,as well as mine. We have a lovely day. My husban comes home he is pleasant towards them. No sooner did they leave did I have to listen to -why are you inviting strangers to our house? I explained who they were and that my parents enjoyed seeing them and my friend.and I were happy to have a mini neighbourhood reunion. Then the – They ‘re strangers you haven’t seen them or kept in touch with them and your entertaining strangers in my home. There is no reasoning with him….if he tells you to get a hobby and you do its not the right hobby or your not doing the hobby correctly…….if he tell you to ho out with your friends and you do you are spending too much time not utilizing your time correctly…and other aspects.of your life are failing because you’re with friends. Your finances are not how he would like to see them…he may be able.to shower himself with expensive gifts…but the.minute you spend a dime you are financially irresponsible. Everyone loves them. They are praised by outsiders…..but little do they know how horrible things are. My friendships have been sabotaged. I have very little contact with anyone. Attending out children’s athletic games is an annoyance…the cheering parents are annoying and gross. He has told the.kids to get jobs and stop chasing balls on a court. That they will amount to nothing unless.they start to work …..being part of a school team is a waste.of time……..how.do you continue……I need to get away from this.life.sucker……my own goals ,ambitions, and overall zest to live.life to the fullest has been shrouded over like a.blanket.of thick smoke or soot……breaking.myself and.my kids.away seems like it would be the biggest weight lifted…….I long for the feeling of that light in life.that keeps you positive.inside. Narcissists are life suckers and the only way to deal with them.is to run and never look back.
Be careful that you don’t leave one narcissist and marry a worse one by mistake. I don’t know why, but even though I know exactly what type of man I want to marry, I keep marrying the opposite. I would rather love than money, so I get little money but no two sided love. At least this time I am smart enough to keep my heart out of it. It hurts less, but still a loveless prison when I could have been single and at least love myself without having to reject any possible love from a right person for me.
I married to a narcissistic husband for almost 16 years. After constant emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse, I left the house that I helped to pay ( because he was going to sell it since it was under his name) – yeah I was stupid in that matter – … I left with all 5 kids. The kids understood the situation and gave me full support. Luckily I can provide the needs for all of them with my job. I still have nightmares and traumatized by how he treated me. My heart skipped a bit whenever I see other people resemble him. He is not strong financially to go to the court to have joint custody etc, never tried or never cared I think. Let him enjoy whatever he got from the house sales, wouldn’t last long for a jobless person!!!
Little by little, I came to realize that this too is happening to me. It makes me really sad and tired. I felt trapped since we have kids. I m worrying that my children will pick up on this. We do not have divorce in my country and we have a very strict family culture.
I always aimed to be a good wife and mother but doing it has becoming so hard the longer it gets. Its like all my efforts are nothing and now looking at my current self I am worthless. I gave up most of the things that I want to do just so I could fulfill the needs of my family. I would work non-stop and still expected to do all chores. I found that I would definitely cause a big argument if ever I complain on anything or say how I feel and see things. My opinion don’t weigh much, he would rather have it heard from someone in the neighborhood than me. He is a good father and he is very close to his parents and sister. But little by little I could sense how differently he treats me and them. Like he’s willing to make me their slave just so to please them. He would lie to me on almost everything, either exaggerating or downplaying it to me whichever suits him best. Mostly he would lie to me about money. He never make me feel secure, no matter how hard i work or how much I earn. He would take away all my earnings and would act like we always don’t have enough. I never bought myself anything fancy since I married him. If I spend a bit on something, he would approach me with an incredible accounting of how near we are to becoming broke just so, now when I think of it, to make me feel bad on spending “his” money. I come to learn to never desire anything for myself other than the necessities. I would think twice before spending to replace my very old and hole-ridden underwear. He is only sweet and seemed to be caring if he wants sex. Which I have no urge for anymore. I felt like I’m betraying myself even more if I let him touch me. Knowing all these doesn’t help for every time I would try fix our relationship and voice out my problem, we would fight and our kids can see it. He would point out that I was the one being unreasonable for ever thinking this way. I have no relatives living nearby and I work at home. I don’t have much and cant risk my children go hungry if I leave him.
What you just wrote brought me to tears. Im inn the same predicament and am at a loss… How are you feeling with it? What are your plans? I’m so scared…
Thank you for this very helpful article. We have been married for 32 years, and it became obvious after researching his traits, that he was jealous of my success (trilingual, 2 PhD’s, so I worked hard to get somewhere). He destroyed my career, then he destroyed my dreams, finally, I am no longer able to make decisions, of going out in the world. I live with the recluse.
I will get some help from a mental health professional… without telling him (he pushed away my friends telling them I was “not well”).
I had decided to wait for our son to grow up before leaving: BIG mistake, he destroyed him too, and the relationship I had with my son. I am their servant, gardener, cook, cleaner, washer, etc. Not a wife, not a mother.
Thanks!
Your husband is dissecting. How did he destroy your career when you had so much education? I was a stay at home mom of four. My husband said any wife that works will have an affair. Kept me home and after 30 says “what money did you earn” I was very close to my four children and never thought any one could damage that. My husband came into an inheritance and made over my oldest daughter just like he did to me when i met him. She is also with a boyfriend that isolates her . Between the two control freaks she fell into the trap. Lucky for me my son and other two daughters did not fall into the trap. It is sad to think a dad would hurt their own daughter for the benefit of himself. She has distanced herself from the entire family for the last three years. I told him I blame him. All he can say is things will work itself out. He enjoys that our relationship is not as good as it use to be. I gave one hundred percent to all of my children and now one has strayed because of him. The fact that he is happy. nutty. I have three other successful children and I no longer do what I use to . Encourage them to spend time with him. He cant have it all. I dont think he realy cares. HIs enjoyment came from manipulating our daughter to be against me. The other three are sad because of what he did to what was once my perfect family. He never gets invited to do any thing with us anymore. He is a very lonley old man and deserves every thing he is getting. He was nothing more than a spoiled only child. I hope you can get your relationship back with your son. My husband self destructs. He could have been part of my perfect family but he doesn’t understand what kids realy want . A mom and dad that love and look out after each other. Narcasists care so much about them selves they will never get it. I tried and tried to teach him. Hopeless I will go on and enjoy life in this fake marriage.
I find it hard to understand how someone marries or stays with a narcissist have come into close contact with at least three of this type of person as i worked for them. At the time i just thought they where know it alls who where quick tempered but as i have an enquiring mind i new there must be somthing in common with the way they act took me nearly ten years to realy realise what narcissisim is.
I could write a book on all the traints they have but one that sticks out most is that they have no friends although they will tell you otherwise alass another part of there condition.Which brings me bqck to my first point don’t alarm bells ring with there wives or partners that this person is not at all popular and can’t hold down friends ie they have a problem i put it down to the fact that some partners our weak and don’t like to edmit they our living with a monster.
Carl,
I can understand why this confuses you, however, please do not judge we wives who are married to these monsters. When you are subjected to this abuse over a long period of time, it changes who you are, or who you used to be. Read my story below. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t even see the person I used to be which was strong, courageous, and independent. I once had a doctor tell me I was the most courageous woman he ever met, yet now, I am reduced to a shadow of myself because of this person. Please have understanding for the wives of these men, they need it. When you question and criticize abuse victims, you victimize them twice. I know from personal experience. Even the police in my community have that attitude when I called them for help one night when he was being abusive. They would not help me by talking to him because I had taken restraining orders on him back in 1998 but had let him back in to the home. One of the reasons women do not report abuse is because they are afraid of this kind of attitude. Sometimes finances are also the reason they stay, as in my case. I would be forced to live in a shelter (not an option for me) or in my car. No life for a woman my age in poor health.
He detests me. I can feel his contempt. If I work the daylight shift I’ll still stay until the store closes. I won’t even come home after work so I don’t have to deal with his insanity. After 35 yrs of marriage I have my own bedroom (had it for 9-10 yrs now) with a broken bed while he sleeps in our bedroom on the bed I paid for. If I’m off work that day I’ll stay in my bedroom until he goes to bed. And in the morning I don’t even get out of bed until I hear his truck go down the street. Most days I don’t even want to get up.
I was so in love with him. Tall, dark and a really good looking soldier. Smooth and charming. People just loved him. Great character and husband qualities. My best friend from high school was my maid of honor even though she didn’t like him or his family. She sent me a sympathy card for our first anniversary. LOL Gotta love her! but I didn’t see what she saw in him. Now I do. Now I know. He has a fatal case of the 4 R’S. No Respect. No Responsibility. No Remorse. No Repentance. No Sincerity. Dr. Jekyll
I’ve been to counseling for years and years and years. I understand the narcissism, the bipolar, the sociopath characteristics and I know he’s a certifiable full blown candidate! His behavior is exactly like everything… EVERYTHING… that is mentioned in every one of these articles and emails. His lack of communication, his constant hostility, his deceitfulness and oh-yeah, don’t let me forget to mention all of his secrets. His name should be called “Destruction” because he destroys everything and everyone. Relationships, marriage, me the wife, our children, our home. The blatant lies he tells. All for what? Because he isn’t mature enough to exercise any self control.
Our son, the one he always rejected and treated like shit for 27 yrs, died of a heroin overdose. He injected 6 stamps at one time. They brought him back to life and then he died three more times that same night and was brought back to life three more times again. All documented. So very, very much pain. And for what reason? Why did our son have to hurt so bad, hate himself so much that he tried to kill himself? Why? There were soooo many miracles that night… no brain damage, no withdrawals, no psych ward… fully coherent. The kid got up off the floor and put himself in the ambulance! Three days later he was released, got up and walked himself out of the Cardiac Care Unit in the hospital. No jail time. Who has ever heard of this happening to? Those were the days my husband became a human being. He cried and cried and cried and apologized and on and on and on. And everything was fine for a short period until my son and I both saw him on the pc looking for women on craigs list. My son withdrew and once again became hurt and angry and betrayed. He doesn’t come out of his room unless he’s going to work. But at least he’s not using. Thank God he has a terrific therapist to keep him on tract.
Where’s the remorse my husband displayed that fateful night. Mr. Hyde didn’t appreciate the second chance at life that our son was given. A time when he could cultivate a new relationship with his son, attempt to repair his fractured family and marriage, he instead, once again, chose to throw away his family for his own selfish self. Self discipline isn’t his forte.
When our three kids were little I would never know what to expect when he would come home from work. He might come home happy or maybe he’d be in a rage. It was extremely stressful. He would totally flip out for absolutely no reason and I would have to put on my super hero cape to protect our kids from his crybaby fits. I wouldn’t leave him because I know he would’ve manipulated the kids into living with him and his mother at the beach in his hometown 125 miles away. I still believe our kids have been worse off there than they are today. I’ve read the emails from strangers and I remember how I lived that life. My kids lived it too. We still do, And I’m crying because I hurt so bad for all of us; me and mine and you and yours.
I’ll be meeting with my attorney for the second time the earlier next week of the month. I’m setting up my ducks.
I’m very sorry to hear all of this ! I desperately got on here because of my husband Brian aka hurricane Ian as we call him. I know what he his but to get out I don’t I literally just started researching this am after hiding behind a chair all night for the millionth time, so far I’ve got another bank account , new e mail , and called my pastor I also connected with another woman today going through the same thing , I’m losing weight I have small children and this is my second marriage after having to leave him due to his infidelity, it wasn’t supposed to be this way , I’m desperately sad that yet again I’m in a living hell and my poor kids I worry about so much ! Luckily my cheating ex has decent parenting skills so the kids are safe there if needed. My oldest just turned 18 so I’m not sure what would happen if I needed to go to a shelter he’s still a baby . Ughhhhh
So I have no idea where to go or start. I’ve never even heard of a narcissist until recently. Then I realized I may be married to one. The constant emotional ups and downs are draining. I’m glad I’m not alone. For years I thought it was me. I mean I’m not close to perfect, but the more I read about narcissists, the more I’m convinced I’m in that type of relationship. And it’s scary as hell
I’ve been married to my narcissist husband for 20 years. I grew up in a large family but never ever was there any screaming, name calling, or verbal and physical abuse. The verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that I have endured from my husband has taken both an extreme emotional toll, but also left me with serious health issues from the constant stress. I have tried every single strategy you mention in this article with no success with him. He has been through so many psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and mental health centers that I have lost count. He was in anger management but quit when they recommended that he needed to continue. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, Bi Polar disorder, passive aggressive disorder, and been in both therapy and put on meds. None of which he will follow through with. The article was very informative, however, I am done with trying to pacify this man. He has destroyed me emotionally and physically, and I feel helpless and trapped at this point. I used to be a very strong and independent woman. I had my own successful home based business and I was ready to expand. My husband did a fine job of sabotaging that so I no longer have it. Physically, I can no longer work in my profession of 34 years which is early childhood education. My income consists soley of social security/disability, which of course gives him even more ammo to attack me as a person. He tells me how worthless I am, and how I don’t contribute to the household. Interesting enough, I heard the same thing when I was working full time but was not making as much as him. He was a state employee making $20 an hour and I was working full time at $8 an hour. I got myself in to college in my 40’s while I was working 2 part time jobs and raising my two sons alone. This is my second marriage. At that time, he was trying to sabotage my education. I hope you are getting the pattern here. What I am saying is that I have done everything I can other than divorce. I have had to get several restraining orders on him just to get him away from me. He would apologize, promise to never do it again, go to therapy long enough to get back in to the home, only to start all over again. Financially I am completely dependent on him to keep a roof over our heads. I don’t get much, only $733 a month to live on and pay some bills. I have come to realize that nothing will ever satisfy him. Even if I was able to work full time making more than he does, it would not change. I used to be brave and strong and now I am not. I am actually afraid to go through a divorce with him and I know how vicious he can be. I have no where to go or family that can help me. At the age of 65 and being in fragile health and living in my home (he is not on the deed) for 31 years, I will NOT leave MY home. Oh, I did not mention that he has destroyed my once beautiful home inside and out. He is a hateful, cruel, vicious man. I am sick to death of his abuse and controlling behavior. His latest order of the day is that laundry is to be done at night because the electricity rates are lower and after all, as he screamed at me, “I pay the electricity” I guess that means I have no say in my home because he pays the bills. Funny how it was the same attitude even when I was the one paying all the bills and the mortgage. I just can’t go along with the current thinking about this disorder as far as trying to make things more comfortable for him by basically kissing his bum. I’ve done that, it doesn’t work. He is a confirmed rage a holic and enjoys his anger. One of his therapists said that anger is one of the best ways to control people. He is a master at it and brags about it. Nothing can help with a personality like that. I would be interested to know what suggestions you have someone like me. He is shortening my lifespan. If I am approved for heart valve replacement surgery my prognosis is better. If I don’t get it, I may have 5 years. He knows how stress is affecting my health and doesn’t care. Any thoughts?
When I first met my husband, he was the most perfect boyfriend, always professing his love for me and making me feel special. We had a lot of the same tastes and interests, and we had a great time together, so good that we actually moved in together in just 3 months. After another 4 months he proposed to me, it was the happiest day of my life; I’d never been married and he was just so perfect, handsome, smart, loving and caring, I had noticed he was a little too vain for a guy, spend too much time in front of the mirror but I thought that was no big deal. And then the problems started with his true self coming up. He started to criticize everything about me, from the way I looked to the way I behaved myself to the way I spoke, but at the same time telling me that he loved me and that he just wanted me to be improved. He stopped being caring and started to focus entirely on him, without any regard for the things I needed. Still, after a 14 months engagement we got married, even with all the problems we were having, and no stop fights. We are married a year now and I’m 4 months pregnant. He stopped saying he loves me altogether this January, and he doesn’t care for me at all. But he still expects me to attend him in everything he needs and be a good wife. I am the main provider of the house and I frequently ask myself why do I put up with him. I don’t want my baby to grow up in an unhealthy environment but I just don’t have the strength to leave him. Please help me.
Sayuri – I am in the same situation as u. I wouldn’t strongly recommend you leave and get support from your friends and family. He will destroy urlife.
Like you inMarried very quickly to a man I adored and truly loved. He took me for granted. Told me I was weak and needy. Told me I was prone to depression and I needed to get help. Found out he was having an affair but he even managed to blame that on me to saying I didn’t support him emotionally and wasn’t there for him. I gave up a very good job to be with him. Looked after his son and paid for myself while going back to uni. He never supported my education and said it never helped him anyway so why do I bother. He tried to isolate me from my family. Stopped being loving or caring and when I asked why he told me I was needy and needed alot of attention. I only wasted 9 Mths of my life before I realised that something was very wrong. Even after the affair I went back and he told me it was my fault. I actually started believing him. But I have been in therapy before (after my first divorce) so I knew myself well and I soon worked out that this man wasn’t right in the head. I stuck it out for 9mths because i didn’t want to feel like a failure but now I realise life is too short to live in misery. After 9mths when I left I found out I was pregnant and this gave me the strength to do the right thing. He tells me he doesn’t care about the baby or me. He says such horrible mean things to hurt me but every time he does it I get that little bit Stronger. I finally cut ties with him a few weeks after trying to work things out and only getting verbal abuse from him. My first 4 Mths of pregnancy were not very happy ones due to his behaviour then the penny dropped and I had to cut him off to stop it affecting my mental well being and for my unborn child. His mother doesn’t get it and constantly calls me telling me I need to go back and that he will change. This is his 3rd Marriage and He already has a son from his previous one. He spends all his spare time with him and when I ask him to spend time with me who tells me I’m competing with his time over an innocent child. He really did push me down and make me feel so very low about myself. I’m such an independent and free spirit but he tried to make me feel low and very ill. When we separated a few months ago I couldn’t function properly. Couldn’t sleep and was in a very dark place. I stopped doing all the things I loved, stopped seeing my friends and stopped being in love with life in just 9mths of being married to him. Only now after 3 Mths of being separated do I now realise that he has a personality disorder. Who looks to woman to get validation and I’m sure during the time we have been separated he will have no doubt had another affair. It’s how he feels good about himself. None of his friends really know him well as he wears a mask and lies to people about the truth.
Please speak to your friends and family and don’t waste your life with this man. I honestly believe my husband will turn my child against me. He tries to do it his current some but his son is still very young and doesn’t quite understand what’s going on. Children for these men is another form of control and validation. They use the children to take out their frustration and will emotionally and financially manipulate them. This is why I do not want to go back especially now that I’m pregnant. Plz get help soon. Speak to someone about how you feel and what you are going though.
Heya i’m for the first time here. I came across this board
and I to find It truly useful & it helped me out a lot.
I am hoping to give something again and aid others such as you aided me.
Omg! I’ve just read all these lovely people’s stories. I now join this group after being in a toxic, narcissistic relationship. Twenty eight years together, twenty four married and we have just separated. I wondered about eight months ago whether my husband was narcissistic but dismissed it until recently when I became broken, fatigued with anxiety and depression. I consulted a psychiatrist for myself that confirmed that he was narcissistic and who told me I need to get out for my own safety. This comes after my husband was found having affairs (though apparently not sexual?), me watching them, trying to talk to him about his involvement with these women, which lead to fights and him telling me ‘I needed help’ and that ‘I was bipolar or schizophrenic’. One of his affair women had told him also apparently she believed this must be the case. He made me go to the doctor to get help only to be told by my doctor who fortunately has known me a long time, that there was nothing wrong with me except I was emotionally drained. A long sixteen months have followed trying to repair the marriage. The right counsellor is paramount in this situation but unfortunately we chose one that believed in not getting everything out in the open but instead just moving on. That didn’t work for me as too many other things came out over that time that didn’t allow the trust to grow. Contact with the last affair partner, pornography…you name it. He finally walked out a month ago leaving me a bundle of nerves, telling me ‘that if he doesn’t go, he would end up hating me and having another affair’! No other explanation…nothing. I was good for about five days, then I collapsed in a heap having suffered an emotional breakdown. Fortunately, my cousin came and rescued me and pointed me on the right road to recovery. My husband told her ‘he would pay for whatever treatment I needed but would not be there emotionally for me’. We have three teens and he has told them he has done nothing wrong and he would make sure I got whatever help I needed. My two daughters now believe it is all my fault he has left. To tell them otherwise would only cause them more pain and they are not ready to hear the full story yet anyway. Six weeks down the track, I am determined he won’t beat me. I am living for now in the family home. He has told our teens that I can live here for 12 months, then I have to find somewhere else to live…..because his work is here so he needs to be here. He comes into the house when I am out, eats my food and takes things he thinks he deserves. He has emotionally and financially abused me. I can see the separation/divorce process is going to be difficult but for the first time in a very long time with him out of the house…..I am starting to feel myself again. I no longer have to be afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing in his presence and being punished by having things taken away from me. (Usually planned trips or going out for dinner etc). My confidence is slowly returning. I feel sad and alone at times and still wonder if it was all a dream and how we got to here. And yes….I still love him and miss his body next to mine at night but that is when I remind myself of all the things I have done FOR him because I loved him and all the things he has said and done TO me because he didn’t love me. Don’t be fooled…they only get worse as they get older. Everyone deserves to have some happiness in their lives.
Same with me ladies. All your stories are mine as well. I grew up with a narcissistic father so I was primed for the caring and commitment my husband showed me before we wed. Saying I Do was all it took. I too have been beaten down emotionally, mentally and physically as have my boys. I feel broken and defeated at the best of times. I also have resigned myself to righting of this life and pray my next life I will be smarter if given the chance. It is hard and exhausting and I pray my strength holds out till my body lets go.
This message is for vanda;
Life is not over. Despite ur horrific experience you should not give up. You still have time to be happy. Life is short and not worth more and more misery. Talk to someone. Get help. Speak to ur friends , family local support group, church etc. Someone will listen and someone will help. You owe it to yourself to not take any more abuse. Plz don’t suffer in silence anymore. Do something for urself. Just take one step and the rest will follow!
23 years and all this time I thought it as me. Wow what an eye opener.!!! Thank you.
Yup, me too.
Was all roses and sunshine in the beginning.
I’m from Melbourne, Australia.
Mr Narcissist left me 10 yrs ago … for his ‘soul mate’, but still expected to come waltzing in and out of the family home and our lives when-ever it suited him, and to keep control financially. Thankfully, I had a good friend with many yrs experience in family law (there is a God!). But Lord knows what I did to my head and heart to have stayed so long, I was young when we met, he swept me off my feet. He said often in later years I had changed, I wasn’t the sweet young thing I ‘used to be’ … which clearly meant I wasn’t as compliant and accommodating as I used to be. I had become ‘difficult’. Elements of all the stories above could be woven in to mine. But now, after 10 years of being obliged to spend 2 nights a week at her dad’s house, my incredibly brave and courageous 13 year old daughter has had enough, drawn a line in the sand, and made it very clear, she does not want to spend any more time in his company … you see, she has a brain, and a heart, and has called him for what he is … she knows he’s damaging her self esteem and sense of self worth. Since shes grown out of barbie dolls and pink tutus, he doesn’t know how to relate to her (and can’t control her). He has no concept of what an amazing spirit and character she is, he has lost her through constant belittling and berating, all because she doesn’t fit his concept of what the perfect daughter should be. So, after having survived the relationship, the marriage, the separation and divorce … even the co-parenting … my daughter’s stand to cut him from her life brings a whole new level of challenge. I keep feeling like I’m not divorced FROM him, but divorced TO him. I’m so grateful my child has the courage to make this call, it’s not easy, and he’s harassing me endlessly, blaming me for her actions, using all the tricks in the narcissist’s repertoire to intimidate me, all because a 13 year old girl has called him for his conduct and treatment of her. Her courage and strength and wisdom humble me, she can see he’s toxic, and is acting to protect herself, … yet for all those years, I accommodated him, allowed his needs to be prioritized over mine, cowered from his displeasure when I got things wrong, and allowed my life and spirit to be compromised. No more.
I watched my Mum try to “manage” my father for 47 years. He treated her like shit on a regular basis. He broke her heart countless times. I was the one she depended on for support. ( taking care of a parent instead of being a kid) He pitted my brother and I against each other for his own ends. My brother was the golden child. I was the eternal fuck up no matter how well I succeeded.
You’re dreaming if you think you can have any real happiness or family life with a narc. You may be willing to suffer for “love”, but the damage he will do to your kids self worth… Your kids would be better off without an verbally and emotionally abusive father.
Because my father taught me I had no value- I ended up going from him to a horribly abusive relationship. It has taken me 15 years in counselling to be able to be in a healthy relationship/ to not have panic attacks every 10 mins/ and to not be constantly depressed.
My mother died of cancer last year. And now I’m finally free of my father. No longer under any obligation to pretend I have any feelings towards my father. I had to pretend to protect her. I had to pretend I was ok with the abuse because she “loved” him.
Your children will suffer- worse than you are. They don’t have the mental and emotional capacity to cope with abuse. Or watching their mother abused.
GET OUT! Anyway you can.
Is this “managing” or enabling? I think this is the worst advice ever. Sorry.
All these stories are mirroring my own life. It’s like reading my biography. It is good because it means I am not mad and not alone. Have been with my Narcissitic husband for about 25 years, married for 23. It’s only in the last few months I have come to realise what he is. Myself and the kids have always had to walk on eggshells. Mood drops moment he arrives home. He controls the finances although I make all the money earning nearly 3 times his wages yet he moans that he has to work every single time I have any holiday. He deliberately took a lower paid self employed job because he wanted to do less. I was pushed to get a more demanding job. With the exception he pays his share of the mortgage, I pay for everything else including all the food. He has no respect for me, my job, my life choices and makes this abundantly clear. The only thing he respects about me is my salary. My son ( now 21) called him out a few months ago and has moved out. He doesn’t want his dad to know where he is or what he is doing. He says one day he will come and take me and his sister away from here. He has seen his dad for what he is. My daughter (now 17) still is daddies little princess in some ways but she does see how badly he speaks to me.
As I said at the start I have only recently woken up to his narcissistic ways and all a,trickles I have found on the matter seem to have been written exactly about him. He is also passive aggressive and will sulk for days over trivial things. He was unpleasant sexually with some really nasty ideas that I ended up complying with just to keep the peace. We have not been intimate for over 4 years now and I am happy with that. However, he recently asked me ‘where I was with sex’ and when I said I wasn’t interested he asked if he could sleep with other people! I tried not to laugh because I have suspected he has been doing that for at least 7 years anyway plus I recently found his condom stash hidden in a drawer so I know he is up to something! Bizarrely I really don’t care about what he is doing sex wise because with the emotional,abuse I have suffered over 25 years sex is the least of my worries.
I struggle to make ends meet every month but recently discovered he is secretly saving £400 a month into some kind of credit union account. It baffles me because he knows I struggle to make ends meet. He always says that if I need some extra money then to ask, but I always find this demeaning especially as I earn so much more than him, but also he makes me pay it back! We accumulated some very bands debt earlier in our marriage and I am the one paying those off, he pays none of it. I am now becoming really resentful of this because he pays for so little to do with the house and family and is even getting his hefty debts paid for free too.
I have recently been to a solicitor to get some advice and I have plenty of grounds for divorce. Unfortunately, due to our ages, my husband will be entitled to get a fair chunk of my pensions which again seriously pees me off as he hasn’t paid anything towards those either. On the plus side I earn enough to be able to afford decent accommodation for myself and my daughter. She has a medical condition so I need to make sure she always has a home to come to. I am giving myself 6 months to make a decision to stay or leave. I have spoken about this briefly to my husband but he claims he loves me to bits. He also claims he will be a nicer person when he gets some of his pension early in 18 months time but I don’t think a lack of money is a reason to be nasty. He is trying to keep me by saying he will pay off what’s left of the debts when he gets this money, but with a proviso that I will pay him back when I get my pension in ten years time! So he still isn’t really paying for it! Unbelievable. He also keeps going about how we will be able to have lots of fun short breaks once he gets his money. I know this is to try to keep me here. Short breaks would be nice, but I will be able to afford them myself once out of his clutches. He frequently makes comments suggesting he is the best person for me and that I wouldn’t want to be other people then tells me I’m lucky to have him and goes on to slag off his friends and talk about bad they are! His favourite phrase is ‘ I’m the real deal, you won’t find anyone else like me’ and I think to myself ” thank god for that.,”
One other bad thing about going for the divorce is that we will lose the lovely home we have. Iwe really pushed ourselves with the cost of it and I cannot afford it on my own, well I probably just about could but I would have to pay him his share of it and I don’t have any savings whatsoever. So it would have to go. It would also mean committing both of us to rented accommodation for the rest of our lives. The solicitor thought I might still be able to get a mortgage but as we had those debts I am doubting it. Also, because we remortgaged the house a few years ago ther is very little equity in it. After divorce fees and ‘clean break’ pay offs ( which my solicitor explained to me means that all debts have to paid off so both parties get a clean break) we would both only receive approx £12,000 lump sum profit from the house each which is not a lot to restart with.
When I told my husband I was thinking of leaving he asked why so told him I was fed up of his childish sulking and his angry outbursts. I said it had had a very bad impact on me and the kids. He tried all the usual blame tactics but did come up with the idea that he could try to control how he reacted to things . He has been trying very very hard but it has really just highlighted how angry he is about everything in life in general. He got angry 6 times in one hour on our way to the airport for our holiday. When I called him out on this he said he couldn’t help getting cross. I can see that the things were a bit annoying but he was actually cross. He keeps trying to control himself but it is clearly hard for him. It is not helping because every time he does actually manage to control himself he makes a point of pointing it out to me to make himself look good. Sadly he always follows this up with complaining that he can’t be himself, that he has to curtail his feelings ‘apparently’ thereby shifting blame back to me, he really can’t take responsibility for his behaviour. I have tried to explain that he will feel better if he just said lets little things go but he just doesn’t get it. I have suggested he should try to become a better person for his own sake but he thinks he is number one for everything and really doesn’t see the intensity of the problem.
My mum has been supportive of me but refuses to commit to pushing me in either direction, which tbh is very good of her. Nobody is divorced in my family and I have had to do a lot of thinking about how I feel about being a divorced women. It is really hard.day by day I swing from leaving to staying and this is very tiring but it is so hard to make a decision because 20 odd years with my husband has caused me to lose faith in myself. I also do still love him, I am that stupid.
I am seeing my sisters tomorrow and am going to be explaining things to them. I know they will support me whatever I decide. Reading everyone else’s comments here has really
helped me see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that I will soon be able to comfortable make the right decision for my situation.
Thanks to all the people here who have contributed, everybody’s version has really helped me.
I am recently married and found out my husband is narcissistic. We have been married almost two months. I have spent my days and nights going through “silent” treatment to give me time to think about what I have done or should be doing. Yes, he has all the characteristics.
I find myself spending my days feeling depressed and sleeping a lot. He has definitely let me know that this is his home. We have sex when he feels like. I dare not even think of initiating it. I will get the look of who do I think I am?
He originally told me that I could redecorate and start remodeling the house. But changed his mind and reminded that this is his house. I tell you I read all these stories and it is going to be something I spend a lifetime. He has got issues that he has to acknowledge and address.
I will be writing him a long letter regarding everything. I will also let him know that if we cannot come together and our marriage function as God designed it – there will be a separation forthcoming. Time is needed for both of us to consider what we each want out of a marriage. I am not going to spend the rest of my life living like this.
My husband was my high school “infatuation” who took advantage of my naïve and innocent character when I was 15 years old. For a couple of years, he switched between showering me with attention, and then completely ignoring me while chasing other girls. It was painful! 25 years later while I was going through a divorce, he suddenly contacted me on facebook, and we began a whirlwind romance. He said all the right words, referred to me as his “soulmate” and “dream girl”, claiming that he has been in love with me all these years. He too had just divorced, and I later learned he completely discarded her in the most humiliating way possible. I was “love bombed” and showered with so much attention, flattery and gifts– of course I fell for it was sucked in quickly. He and l lived in 2 different states, and became accustomed to jet-setting for weekend get aways and visits to each others homes. He was quite a charmer and financially affluent. He quickly discussed marriage, his desire for me to move into his home, and proposed to me quickly…. This turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life! I took a leap of faith and moved into his home with my 2 children, left everything behind (my career, family, friends,my home and many personal belongings). My husband if a full blown malignant narcissist! We’ve only been married for 10 months and I couldn’t take it any longer. I finally escaped and returned home 4 weeks ago and filed for divorce. This man has put me through this crazy cycle every 2 months or so: idealized love, then belittling, critizing and cruel comments that had damaged my self-worth until I caught on to what he was doing. All the while trying to isolate me from my family, friends and any form of social support. Then he would suddenly blurt out: “This isn’t working out! You all need to pack up and leave!” or “I’m filing for divorce!” –discarding us. Well, recognized the trend as well as the tension increasing, and I left before the next discard could happen, which took the narcopath by surprise. Luckily I’m 3 states away from him, but he has already hoovered my back twice now. This evening, I’ve clearly decided to continue with my divorce and go “no contact” again. People are surprised that I left a millionaire (and less than a year into the marriage-I’m not entitled to anything and it wasn’t worth the emotional abuse) and of course he is telling people I was unappreciative of all that he did for me, but I was so much happier before he came into my life working and cutting coupons to make ends meet. So the “smear campaign” has already begun and my intuition tells me that he has plans to destroy me in some way for leaving him, but I’m trying to stay positive, live well and raise my children in peace. I began researching personality disorders about 6 months ago trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with hubby, and it felt so good to figure it all out, but sharing my story and explaining it to others is a challenge. No one understands unless they have been sucked in by a narcissist because they present so well to the public—uuuughhh! So now I’m the bad guy who broke his heart and deserted him for no reason… It feels good to share my story with an audience who understands.
there are alot of very shocking stories in here. I can’t believe how many people are married to narcissist.
I believe I am married to a man possessed by a demon which makes him a narcissist.
I have tested this by bringing the bible to him about marriage, I did it very kindly. His face actually went pale and afterward his mother got out the car he said “DON’T YOU EVER, COME TO ME WITH THE BIBLE ABOUT BEING MARRIED, EVER! DON’T EVER COME TO ME ABOUT THE BIBLE AT ALL”
you can imagine how shocked I was, when I was led to believe I married a devoted catholic. He keeps crosses hung over our door ways, he was an alter boy in church, he was very churching going when i met him and he even acts all into church when we go with our daughter, for her church activities.
Again, another narcissist reaction he gave. The reason being is being he doesn’t like anything that derails his narcissist motivates. anything that threatens his ability to behave as a narcissist without regret or reflection, he consider it to be a challenge and it angers him greatly.
My narcissist have cheated on me while pregnant (high risk pregnacy to), He has controlled the money, where we live and what we do and when. Which is always what he wants. If I dare to offer ideas…etc, he says “my ideas are boring and gives this reason why it is stupid and no good for the family and doesn’t make sense.” each reason he gives is this “HE finds it boring, and stupid and unecessary” My suggestion for healthy food in the house, is also stupid and nobody wants.
When he buys snacks, he only buys snacks he will eat. His friends must be my friends to and he is intitled to drop me anytime to be with them, even in a middle of a date or movie night with family. he will walked right out and hang out with them and leave us waiting for very long time. If I stand up to him, he insults me, and pushes me around and even makes my daughter believe I am the abuser.
If I walk out and refuse to take his insults which are very degrading that I can’t mention, he will punish me in some way. He has broken my stuff on purpose in our arguements, when I walked out refusing to take his insults, even though I was talking respectfully about his controlling ways. He once just picked up my laptop and trashed it. He didn’t like that instead of dealing with his controlling ways and insults and sudden ditching for hours, I had decided to write poetry again. I am a gifted and accomplished poet.
He wants me to stop writing poetry, stop everything and just be his pet on a leesh that never demands for him to stop anything or else I get pushed around and insulted.
along with all this and so much more, I am not allowed to use his things without permission or he gets an attitude, yet he can use mine when ever even my cars, and get tickets on it and don’t tell me or pay and then lie and say he didnt.
He can avoid dating me, giving me sex (unless I beg or make the first move and even then he treats me like I’m just a place for him to stick it), he can even avoid talking to me, but as soon as I tell him, I am going to be with someone else he insults me. keep in mind, he has cheated and I caught him two other times about to and i believe he still is (there are plenty of signs, like living without notice and coming back many hours later or then next day and clearing his cell out).
I was loyal to him more than 10 years though he was not and he constantly emotionally, and physically and verbally and mentally abused me. I even lost the 20 pounds I put on to please him sense he said I was not that attractive anymore. although he put on well over 50 pounds and has a big santa clause belly.
Although when I met him he had a six packs. After 10 years abuse and his cheating and abandonment, I told him I refuse to be committed to him anymore and will find happiness in my life, even if it means to be with someone else. He then claimed me to be the cheater, and abuser. How could i be the cheater if i told him I was going to see someone else, because all his abusing and several times cheating attempts and 2 successful ones which he keeps the details to himself. He still considers me cheating for moving on.
He now considers me to be abandoning him, because I refuse to accept his crumbs of affection, that still comes without dating and sex. I told him, he can take me to court…ect, leave or never speak to me again, I do not care anymore. I have decided to find me a better job and have an apartment separate from his grandmothers house (she passed) we live in, that he says is his house even though I have helped him fix and put money into as well.
My hands are tied behind my back being with him, and my my mind and heart is his punching bag. In everyones eyes we know I am the bad guy because he changes his ways when around them and tells them only my reactions to his abuse but never his abuse and what he did to me.
He makes everyone thinks that he is a careing man who believes in the bible, who is attracted to me, romantic and kind. Once I tried to tell them the truth about him and he actually unplugged the phone and threaten to have the phones turned off.
this “good man” act, he does around people who know me and neighbord. He will insult and say mean things to me under his breath so neighbors don’t hear and then when I finally had enough and scream he goes into the “I am victim mode” and if our daughters walks in he says ‘what are you talking about. I didn’t say anything or do anything” .
Around his friends and family he acts like he is depressed and can’t be around me, like I treat him wrong.
Alone with this there is a great chance he is bi sexual, more gay though. there are far to many signs, including straight men finding him to be to touchy and right up in their face and clingy. He also has said somethings that let me know. I believe he has cheated with a man to. He has this unexpected outings with men in which I’m not told where they are going and he doesn’t answer his cell phone. After that he is cold and distant and very critical. these men seem to be dumped by their wife (which he won’t tell me why) or never have any woman with them at parties we have had or ever speak of having a woman.
He also once claimed he was going out of town with guy friends, but yet took my car to a hotel and had there all day with tickets on it. what they did and saw and where they went, he does not tell me. he also handles all his calls with males outside the house or in his cars with windows rolled up. His explaination “I’m not talking to my friend on the phone once I get home.” I tried to meet him at his car to see what it was about and he rushes off the phone with windows still rolled up. His cell will ring around me, he will look at it and act like he don’t know who it is. once time i went and checked when he left out the room and it was a male and his name was on the screen as the missed call. I never asked him why he lied.
I married a master sociopath and narcissist who has a demon in him and I just want him away from me. I am trying to stick it out for my daughters as she is older and see his ways now and is not happy with how he treats me or his cold distant ways towards her. However, she has popular where we live and has made a great social life and impression on her teachers with her exceptional grades, so I don’t want her to move but good paying jobs and affordable home with my income where we live, are hard to find. I have been going in other rooms to avoid his stonewalling or terms of being his blow up doll that gets no dates or affections and gets beat up if she cries about it. when ever I am around him, my blood pressure goes up and I get migranes. I almost had a heart attack once from all his emotional and mental abuse one week. I need to last two more years for my daughters sake but I am ready to just walk out the house but I know that is how he wants me to do it, so that he can say “see she is the one abandoning and emotionally abusing” and then he can try to say all those countless time of him doing it was a result cause I did it first. He is menipulative like that. I’m done and I’m fed up and just trying to be there for my daughter til she goes to college in two years and then I want him out of my life, with no contact or communication, never see his face again. My body and mind and heart and spirit is exhausted from his beatings.
before i go, I want to say I pray for all you ladies. I am strong so I took it for many years without having a full blown break down. Also, Ladies please know that some narcissist can be closet homosexuals and that makes it even worse with how they treat you. i bet if some of you stand by and make notes on some of their behaviors with men and constantly desire to be with men instead of you,, you will see that their is chance they may be gay. One thing I learned from straight men in my family, that a straight man has no desire to spend his days out, with more men or to even talk about his feelings with them more than a woman he sleeps with.
How about push record on your phone when he is acting out for a reminder of who he is. Also set up a hidden camera where he usually abuses you. They are terrible people and so unhappy with themselves they have to control what you do because they cant control themselves I hope this helps
How about push record on your phone when he is acting out for a reminder of who he is. Also set up a hidden camera where he usually abuses you. They are terrible people and so unhappy with themselves they have to control what you do because they cant control themselves I hope this helps I also stayed with my husband to raise my four kids. Now they are starting to get there own life in order and buying homes. Wow now I have a place to go and he is not welcome.
How about push record on your phone when he is acting out for a reminder of who he is. Also set up a hidden camera where he usually abuses you. They are terrible people and so unhappy with themselves they have to control what you do because they cant control themselves I hope this helps I also stayed with my husband to raise my four kids. Now they are starting to get there own life in order and buying homes. Wow now I have a place to go and he is not welcome.
The last 10 years of my life finally make sense- thanks to articles like this one. I was in denial for so long, but I’ve been ingesting hundreds of these articles like they’re about to expire. It’s time for me to stop making excuses for my husband and let go of the idea that he loves me. I know he loves and cares about me in his own narcissistic way, but he’ll never truly, deeply care about me or love me unconditionally like normal husbands should.
I’m a very confident person with high self esteem – and lots of friends that know I’m married to a man that enjoys drama. I’m also very easy going and I’m not the jealous type. This is key for me and one of the reasons I can stay. I know why my husband is always trying to set up love triangles -it’s to try to make me jealous (and also to stroke his black hole of an ego). I refuse to get jealous and this really throws him off.
I also have my dream job now-we develop real estate together-this is the other reason I stay.
So thank you for the suggestions on how to cope. I always need more strategies to make living and working with this man easier.
It’s me again, Mally, I have made the leap ladies and filed for divorce. I came to realise I am worth more than having to put up with his narcissistic ways. My counsellor pointed out that all my anxieties add stresses had one trigger and it was my husband. She said they would never go unless I split from him, plus she pointed out that I was getting nothing from the relationship anyway and asked why I was still there! A visit to my father in law sealed the deal when he told me his son was a horrible person and he couldn’t understand why I had stayed with him all these years.
I realised that I was setting a bad example to my kids by staying and that I needed to have more respect for myself. When I told my husband I had been to a counsellor he scoffed at me and told me I was weak.
Anyway, I have just filed for divorce and the papers will come this week. My husband knows about it because he opened some of my post and found a letter from my solicitor. He then confronted me and said I had deceived him and gone behind his back and that when people do that they always get found out. He will get those words right back in his face as I have since found out my gut instincts about him sleeping with other people were right. He has been sleeping with at least 4 different women and even a man. He has been so stupid as to film his encounters and I found his tapes! This is classic narcissism. He doesn’t yet know that I know his dirty little secrets. Solicitor suggests we keep this information in case we need leverage to get what we want from the divorce. I am now looking forward to getting a place with my daughter and away from this horrible man that I married. Things will be tough and I will lose the house but I have come to realise that my and my daughters well being are more important than material possessions. My husband wants the divorce to be friendly and equitable but can’t be that bothered by it because he took off his wedding ring within 24 hours of finding out then spent the following weekend at a hotel with a hooker ( he told me he was elsewhere but I found his hotel booking and my sister and I did a stakeout!). I am not looking forward to Xmas as we will still be in this house until the divorce and finances are organised which will take at least 6 months. However, I am looking forward to a future free from this narcissistic tosspot who has made life hell for his family. In fact, since discovering his sex tapes collection I realise now my husband is a bisexual swinger and it made me realise he only married me as a smokescreen for his activities. Me and the kids have been a front for his double life. He obviously didn’t wake up one day at 50 and suddenly decide to become a bisexual swinger, this is something he will always have been into. Marrying me and having a family gave him social acceptability when in truth he is anything but. I am coming to terms with the fact that my 23 year marriage has been a total sham. I am looking forward to the day when my daughter and I can walk away from here and live our lives free from him.
This sounds like my husband…I hate him to the core…he screwed my happy life and will never forgive him as he lied to me.
I researched Narcissistic behavior today because my ex who I’ve been divorced from for 9 years sent me a barrage of texts this morning blaming me for his miserable life. Now mind you, he left me for someone else, that didn’t work out and wanted to come back a year later. When I didn’t take him back, he told me I would come begging for him one day….yeah, that never happened. Then he found another unsuspecting victim, she moved in with him, that lasted all of 6 months and now he’s telling me that he’s always loved me and that’s why it never works out with someone else, blah, blah, blah. Because I refuse to believe him anymore, won’t fall into the trap of his web of sympathy, he turns on me by blaming me for excluding him from the life of our daughter and mine. When I faced him head on and told him that I was NOT responsible for his happiness and that by being a father to our daughter didn’t grant him a free pass to be involved in every single event (like vacations my daughter and I take together), he proceeds to tell me I’ve ruined his life. Yet he forgets about the lies, cheating, manipulating and treating my sons from a previous marriage like they were garbage. It took me 10 years but I finally left in 2008. It was the best decision I have made for myself. When I left, I didn’t know who I was, where I was going, but that didn’t matter. The weight of darkness had been lifted. I worked on being happy with myself and getting to know my worth. Life since then has been one blessing after another. I’ve remained single, but my family has remained close and my dear friends were encouraging. He tries to call and text abusive and manipulating things, but I know how to hang up a call and NOT to respond to texts. It amazes me how I have found peace and his misery has no affect on me. But it wasn’t easy and it took time (and lots of prayer) for me to get to a place of full contentment. My point, it can be done. The first step is choosing what life you want to live for yourself! Then go for it!
I am thinking my husband has this as well. For several years I was walking on egg-shells not knowing when he would have an outburst. I never knew when it was coming or what would set it off. He would get so angry, yelling horribly and breaking things in the house and putting holes in the walls. I can see this behavior is an attempt to control me, because I typically give in to whatever he wants just to stop the outburst. Then he starting needing sex every single night or he would have one of these outbursts. He would often tell me he hated me and would call me horrible names. Then, I finally broke. I took the kids and went to my parents house. He convinced me to come back the next day. He started going to counseling, but he only went a few times and said it wasn’t going to help anything. Since then, he uses me leaving for a night to say he does not trust me at all nor does he approve of me or the kids spending any time with my parents because that is where I went. We can go several days/weeks being “ok” but then all the sudden he will have an outburst. When I ask why, he says it is because I left him (for one night). I am very saddened by me and my kids not having a relationship with my parents like I used to. Also, we still can’t go one night without having sex, or that will still cause an outburst. He says I don’t pay attention to him, etc. I also have to spend all of my “spare” time with him or that also causes an issue. It is very hard for me to have a positive attitude and not have feelings of resentment toward him. I am a Christian and don’t believe in divorce, so I really would like to make this work. Any encouragement or advice, would be great.
Hi there. I have been in a narsicistic relationship since I was 16. I now, finally, know why I am with him. I was abused since aged 2, so I knew no different and was probably most comfortable in what he was offering me. I am now 58 and realise, it’s not about changing him. It’s about changing myself. But not, as you are describing to achieve a loving, normal-looking relationship. More to achieve a situation that works for me. Not a relationship. You cannot have a relationship with a narcissist. It is not possible.
I now realise, I have been in a tug of war with him. If I “win”, then we both win. If he “wins”, then we both lose. This of course is a crazy situation. We both must have suffered mental health issues to be in such a senseless tug of war.
I ended up depleted of energy and motivation to continue pulling at the rope and I let go.
He kinda won. We don’t have, and never will have a warm, loving, supportive relationship.
What I realise is that I don’t have to write my life off. I am developing friendships outside of him. Recognition from him has finally become worthless, so I chase it no more. I am starting to accept him for who he is. He will never be warm or complimentary. He will always become “busy” looking for something in his bag, so he can blank when someone else is being warm or complimentary towards me. He will always find a way of holding me responsible for whatever doesn’t work out. I have to accept that, find a way of flushing his comments down the emotional loo. And find a life I enjoy. I have to let go of the concept of a warm, supportive, loving relationship. (Actually the privilege of a small minority anyhow). And get on with my life.
Why? As opposed to leaving him? Well then we would have to achieve financial and practical independence. This would then take all my energy. As opposed to learning to live, really live. In the situation as it stands.
He is a victim himself of his narcissism. So I do agree with you totally. We should feel empathy, not anger. This can take time. But we don’t have to write off our own lives in the process.
Final point, we live in a mans world. In trying to deal with a narcissistic man, you will have to endure some pretty frustrating comments from society. So what? Better than believing you must be as worthless a he would have you believe. Huh?
This is a good post. I just figured it out this summer thanks to SuperNarcissist President Trump. I watched this video of him giving Melania a judgemental look at which she looked down in shame and fell inward a little. My husband gets whatever he wants. And it hasnt changed. And the kids and myself put up with tantrums all day. He’s a piece of shit. If he had any control over himself or his words, or gave a crap about how others received his criticisms he would be a decent man. Its 100% his terrible mouth. Everything else is a normal guy. So for a while, this smart girl got very educated. I spent atleast an hour preparing for the weekend he came home to use tools on him. I didnt give him unending attention. I would just leave the room when he went on about himself and commanded the whole weekend focus on him. Id say “thats great”, then get busy with the kids or some other bullshit. I REFUSED to allow myself any self anger EVEN if I myself had slipped out of my best practices. I spent time preparing for our weekends together (he works out of town). And it worked. Then I got busy with life and got out of practice. And we’re back to square one. It really really doesnt ever change.
I have been married for 12 yrs thus June. My husband on a regular basis will flip out on me for no reason. Everything is my fault. He constantly is just so mean. On valentine’s day I got him , and kids cards and candy. He ate candy didn’t even open card and got me nothing. I was really upset. This was the first valentine’s day I didn’t even get a card. He constantly questions where I am going and who I’m talking too. He accuses me of cheating when I have no life and go no where. I do work. I will go to store and be accused of cheating. He will treat me like trash aND then exspect sex like nothing happened. He can be really mean and critical of our children and my daughter says she hates him a lot. My kids both say that daddy is mean to you mommy all the time. He hates my family. He hates my friends. I can never talk on the phone when he is around he gets mad. He texts female Co workers and thinks it’s ok and says it’s nothing but if I were to ever do that I would be a whore and a cheater. Sometimes I think of just leaving but he said he will fight for the kids. He thinks he is better then everyone. Noone is on his level everyone is stupid. He points me in such horrible positions with my family. Like he is now saying he doesn’t wamt our kids at my sister’s house because of their dog . But my sister was good enough to watch them for us a few times with thay dog there. I miss my family but I feel like I can’t even see them with him flipping out. I don’t know what to do. I really am not in love with him anymore. I really hate him. He has just been so mean to me and he Is always angry and I never know when he will flip. He has been physical 3x. I feel lost , worthless , and sometimes I think of suicide. I have lost weight from depression.
I can’t live like this anymore but I don’t want him to keep my kids away from me. I don’t know what to do. He said no to counceling he told me I am mental. It’s him . He doesnt talk to his own family , his dad is an alcoholic , and his mom s drug user. He hates her new husband because he beat her up. I don’t blame him for that. . I feel like I am not living my own life . I feel like I have no control over my own life. He throws money in my face. He also said I would be nothing without him. Im crying writing this. I feel so blah. I just really hate him. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells.
I feel like I’ve stumbled on the holy grail or something! So many of your stories seem to echo the life I’ve been living for most of the past 20 yrs. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 20 yrs (since I was 15yrs), but only married for almost 4 of those. There have been many happy moments & we have had alot of fun, at times. Which is why I think I’ve been with him for so long, I guess those happier memories are what keeps me there, for now. Unfortunately, they are too often buried under so much bad. We have 13yo twin boys & another son on the way (& also an American bulldog, who is like my forth child, my best friend & believe it or not my saviour & comfort at times). They are (including our dog) everything to me, I love them with every tiny piece of myself …. But I worry about what sort of effect my husbands ways are having on my boys, I fear they will turn out like him & treat some poor girl like I’ve let myself be treated. Although I hope it helps in some way that I believe I have an extremely close relationship & connection with my boys, something my husband has missed out on due to his poisonous ways. We all walk on eggshells when he’s around – even my parents & some close family friends have noticed how much my kids change when he’s around & how much happier & relaxed & how much more they are themselves when he’s not there.
Apart from the mortgage, I pay for basically everything else – bills, food, clothes, most schooling expenses. And I only work very part time so it is often hard for me to make ends meet. He does say to me that he has the money to ‘give me’ when I need it but I am always expected to pay him back…. Which I think is completely ridiculous as we’re supposed to be a husband & wife team…. I pay him back though – if I didn’t, the drama it would cause would be unbelievable & I would suffer more. If it wasn’t for my own parents helping me financially at times, I don’t know what I would do. My parents know he is difficult but have no idea just how difficult & abusive he is.
He has not only left me with mental & emotional scars & bruises but physical ones too. There was one instance that a neighbour heard us & was concerned enough to call the police – I stupidly lied to them & told them we were only yelling at each other (even though the screams the neighbour heard were from myself, begging him to get off me & stop strangling me). Unfortunately my kids have beard witness to many of these episodes, even having the police come in & talk to them, the 1 time they were called.
When he is angry or in a rage, he will often make threats to destroy the house or burn it down! Or threats to destroy things that are important to me (at times he has started to smash up things, putting holes in walls, smashing photos etc.). He makes threats to kill himself. There have been times were he’s threatened me with weapons or recently (& while pregnant with our 3rd) there has been a few times he has tried to hand me a knife to tell me to end it all – I never would, I love my kids too much, but it kills me that he could be so heartless & mean.
It doesn’t matter how hard I work or how much I do, it is never good enough, he will always manage find some fault or tell me what I haven’t done right. And he will always say he works harder & does everything better than I do, basically makes me feel as if I do nothing right no matter what I do.
He always has an excuse for his actions & somehow he always manages to turn the situation back on me – It doesn’t matter what I say or what point I make, it just doesn’t get through to him (he physically hears what I say but it doesn’t get through to him). I feel like it would be more productive to smash my head up against a brick wall!!
I know I am greatly damaged from it all, I suffer with severe depression & some days find it hard to even get out of bed & get anything done – which makes life worse because then he has reason to start at me, telling me that I’m lazy & do nothing & he does everything. I’ve tried to explain to him how damaging his behaviour is for me & that it contributes to my depression but he only feels I am attacking him & then tells me how depressed he is because he has to do everything & I don’t appreciate anything he does. He then tells me he’s quitting his job & going on an unemployment pension.
If I don’t give in to him or comply, he mopes around as if he’s been terribly wronged & hard done by. And I’m regularly accused of going against him or picking on him – there are times I do go against him, but it’s because I strongly disagree with him, usually when it comes to such matters as the kids or the way the lay out of our new kitchen should be (by the way, I haven’t had a kitchen for just over 2 years now!).
He has accused me of having some sort of affair or sexual interaction with almost every male we know & 1 female friend & accused me of having some sort of sexual relationship with another couple we knew. I’m regularly accused of flirting or flashing my boobs & other private areas to male friends of ours & then I’m told I’m a slut, a word (slut) I’ve been called so often that it no longer penetrates my feelings. I do nothing at all to provoke these accusations, in fact, I try to do everything in my power to avoid them…. Now I try to minimise my contact with other people in the hope that he can’t find any reason to accuse me of being some sort of slut – somehow he still finds something to accuse me of.
He often guilts me into sex, which because of everything I put up with, it’s something I’m usually reluctant to do but do it any way, mostly to save myself more drama & put downs.
As I’m putting all this down in writing here (for the first time), it almost makes me laugh at how unbelievable my life has become, it’s like a fictional novel or movie. It’s something I thought I’d only read about other people going through, not something I’d be living myself.
I can’t understand how I let my life get to this point – I was brought up in an extremely loving, supportive environment. Father who loves & supports my mother unconditionally & a strong, independent mother.
I’m ashamed at the toxic environment I’m allowing my kids to grow up in & worry they won’t be able to reach their full potential in life because of it. I worry about the damaging effects it must be having on them.
I don’t mean to go on & on but this site & reading all the comments, in a way, has been very therapeutic. It’s the first time I’ve been able to make some sense of my life & put into words what’s been corroding away at me for so long. So thank you for this article & thank you to everyone for sharing some of their experiences. It’s helpful to know I’m not the only person dealing with this & I’m not crazy!
I hope none of you continue to suffer in the ways you have been because no one deserve to feel this way….
You are the first person besides myself that compared Donald Trump to a narcisist. He has a lot of similarities to my husband. I said maybe if he wins many people I know will see what i am dealing with. I am also the third wife. My oldest reminds me of ivanka. Who raised is children? My guess Their mothers. He was to busy getting new wives. I hope he does a better job in running the country than my husband did running a buisness. Maybe many people will take for ever like we did to figure out who he is. They are pretty sneaky and believable. For A Wile
26 years invested in him. He is now 57 and I am 67. Met when he was 17, but would not date him. Then married him when he was 30. Reading today, I discovered that he has an irreversible personality flaw. My SS check is not enough to live on. My guts are tied in knots, I feel like a deflated balloon at this realization. What do I do? I am miserable, now my heart is truly broken. Nearly everything I read in numerous pages today, match him. I feel completely defeated. I need help. This small town offers nothing. I have been classified as “over qualified” for every job I’ve applied for. Our daughter is 23, single mom, attends online college, and I cannot impose myself on her and my only grandchild. Please, give me a few pointers. I want a complete life again. Something I’ve not had in at least ten years.
3 years ago i was a simgle mother, full time job, had my life in control, was happy and confident. Then i met Mr.Wonderful. we got married, moved, had to quit my job to move, and now….wbat lead me to this site was a different article titled, why narcisist husbands stay in touch with ex wives and ex gfs…..which he does. Ive read a lot today thats opened my eyes, and scared me to death. I write this as he again shoves me off, ignores me, and has no regard for my feelings. Its gotten worse n worse past 5 months since we moved. I have abolutely nobody or anything. Hes walked out on me 4 times in 3 years and most recently said he was leaving cause he didnt sign up to be a step parent and he cant stand my kids. That time, i calmly said OK, leave. But he didnt. I guess it is good to know i am not alone here, but its also sad to learn it will only esculate until and unless i can find a job again to pay the bills. Im so lonely and sick of being meaningless and being ignored unmess he wants sex….his sex, not mine, its just him getting his rocks off on me like i am a toilet for ejaculating in. I will continue walking on egg shells as i try to maintain a little dignity till i can escape here and his cruelity towards us. I will tell my suicidal thoughts to stop letting him make me feel dead. I wish love and blessings to u all.
I am 42 yrs old, I was 33 yrs old when I met my husband now, I was divorced and loving life. I have always known my husband. He has never been married nor does he have his own children. ( Red flag)(me with blinders on). All his relationships in the pasted ended over, his lack of communication or him cheating. At first I really didn’t think this would go anywhere, just because I was aware of his behavior. After some time, and for the first time ever in my life, he made feel as if I was the only one. Nine months into dating he asked me to marry him, of course I said yes. I was in no hurry to marry again. Three months later when we found out that he was sick, and it was life threatening, this is when his attitude began to change. The verbal abuse started. I took a leave absence from my job to stay home and take care of him. I understood that at this point in his life God had thrown him a curve ball, but I kept telling myself, that when he started to feel better his attitude would improve. WRONG. What I didn’t really know and looking back now the signs where all there, but I couldn’t imagine just giving up and leaving this person to fend for his self in his shape. I loved him then and now. He resents the fact that I was there, and if anyone brings up the subject, you will hear, she didn’t have to stay, I tried to get her to leave. You would think that one who has been on death door not once but several times, would be over joyed that he a good support system not my husband. In the middle of this and before the second surgery we got married. I have never had a honeymoon, our wedding went like this, he went and worked a vehicle wreck and I went to the barn to do his chores. It has been 6 years this fall since the first surgery and his health is almost back to what you can normal, but his mental health is sucking the life out of me and my kids. He is good to both of my kids, my daughter is more his than she is mine, but I am afraid that how he treats me is passing on to her. The older she gets and the closer she get to college it is almost like he freaking out about her leaving. He has started trying to make her doubt herself, I am afraid that her self esteem is at risk. I tell him all the time I could be mother Theresa and I still wouldn’t good enough. I learned along time that the past needs to be in the past, but that is all he wants to talk about. He calls it his glory days, you should see the grin and his eyes when anyone brings up the past. talk about a kid in a candy store. At first I didn’t even mind when he would talk about his past relationship because at this point he and I where still intimate with each other. Well that could be further from the truth now, when I ask what is going on, his reply is I have done something to make him mad, or I don’t deserve his love. In the last 6 yrs, this is no joke my husband has not kissed me other than a peck. That really takes a toll on a person self esteem period. We all mistakes in life but I when say I have forgiven you, I really me that, and I don’t bring it back up. Now if you say you were wrong to my husband (watch out) he is God, judge and jury all wrapped into one. A death sentence would be easier to deal with. When I want to spend time with him, I either call his buddies, and ask them if they want to go out, then tell them to call my husband. I learned along time ago that he chooses not to go anywhere with just me. I did once ask why, because I come home at night and that should be enough. Is it bad that when his buddies call wanting him to go out, you almost jump for joy thinking to yourself at last some peace. He had been wanting me to go, so I did it was no different than before, I wasn’t aloud to stand by him or talk while he was playing card because I am bad luck yep imagine that one. So this last time I had made up my mind I wasn’t going of course he threw a fit, I asked him why would I want to go when I sit by myself doing nothing have no one to talk too, when I can stay home and be happy by myself. He still was arguing with him self as he walked out. I had a mammogram to come back, and he knew when appointment was, but not once did he say a word that morning, until he called to chew me out about an email for work, I didn’t argue at all. I sent him a text and said that I would fix my mistake when I finished at the doctors office. He finally called 3 hours later, and put it off on me(of course) I didn’t remind him. Later that night I couldn’t help my self and I asked why he had forgotten, his response was priceless, your never going to let this go are you. I knew right then we are on a fast track for divorce, unless God or a 2X4 steps in. I need a plan or just know I am not the only one who lives like this,
Thanks to all for sharing your stories. it is with tears in my eyes that i now realise i am dealing with the same situation as most if not all of you.
I am with my husband nearly 6 years only married 7 months. we have a beautiful little girl. It was after her birth i began to see certain traits i didn’t like. no help no support no encouragment. it was like he enjoyed my torment. We were living in another country so i had no other support but him and he enjoyed me having to ask him for help, like it was a favour to me that i could have a shower after 4 days. he would show support but only in front of an audience. i feel i was more just someone that could mind him for life rather than someone to love and be a team together. it was then the belittling, lying and putting me down began. he would poke me for a fight and when i would react i was the crazy one. i ended up being diagnosed with postnatal depression. we moved home thinking it would help and got married 7 months ago. he s promised change over and over but it lasts a few weeks and goes back to how it was. im sick of his lies and treatment. im a second class citizen in my own marriage. his need for praise from others is at this point sickening and now other family members and friends are starting to see his traits and how low on his priorty list me and my daughter actually are. he doesn’t offer to take my little girl even to the park for an hour. i have to be with him to share the responsibility or he will delay the process until its too late to take her anywhere and i get no time to get anything for myself done. i am trying to complete my studies as well as work part time and he just doesn’t care..pretends to but shows no help or support. i am now 3 months pregnant and if i could do it finacially i would walk tomorrow with my babies. the emotional abuse is wearing me down and im beginning to hate him because i can see right through his lies and actions. |
hes lied about girls existing in his job for over a year i have never been a jealous person but its like he wanted to portray me as such. he will look me in the eye and swear on our child that hes not lying until actual evidence is put in front of him then he will admit his lies.
i have fantastic parents but feel ashamed to knock on their door asking to be taken back with a child and another on the way. i want out but terrified too how i will survive finacially with two small children.
I am 66 yrs old, my husband is 63. We have been together 43 1/2 yrs. Like the rest of you the beginning was bliss, but the signs were there. I was supporting him through college until he finally joined A.F. as officer. As a college educated woman I gave up teaching to travel the world with him and raise our 2 beautiful girls, who are now successful educated women in their own right. Since our retirement, his 1999, mine 2005 our time together is a living hell. I thought us being together was the cause for his constant belittling and psychological abuse, but it is his disorder not me. I do not love him or even like him any more. I tolerate him. I want to leave and can do perfectly well on my own, but I have no where to go. He controls our finances. I tried opening my own account but he found out and went bonkers. So now I syphon a little at a time but not enough. I don’t trust him not to do some tricky stuff to hide assets. We have no friends because he finds fault and believes we are superior to them. He wants to sell our home and start fresh but I am afraid to. Nothing I do is good enough. I cannot clean or cook anymore according to him, and he find fault with everything I do. In order to survive I tune him out. It is a no win situation because I am always wrong. At one point I believed it was me forgetting or getting information wrong. Finally I just resigned myself to let him believe what he wants and agree for my own sanity. Therapists asked us not to return for counseling and he prevents me to go on my own. He now has a variety of medical disabilities and refuses to listen to medical advise saying he know more about his conditions than they do.
I survive with the hopes I out live him, but in the mean time I write my thoughts in a hidden journal, knit,sew and read. There were times i wanted to die but put that out of my head because that would give him a win. I have come to know I am a better person, strong and will survive. I just want to be happy, love again and be with someone to be my friend before it’s too late.
Thank you for this article. I am feeling like I am at a crossroads right now in my marriage and need all the help I can get. We have been married 23 years and have 4 children together. I’ve always felt something jsut wasn’t right about him but have always just taken it on, smoothed things over, done my best to make it work. Kept patting myself on the back for not being a quitter. But, it is getting worse. I went to a therapist for the 1st time yesterdy to actually talk about my WORK stress and somehow we got talking about my husband. After me telling her of a few instances of his odd behaviour and trying my best to describe him to her, she asked me, “Have you ever thought that he might be a narcissist?” I was a little stunned at the thought and she then printed out the DSM-5 list of a narcissist’s behaviours and went through each of them with me. We checked off one after another.
I am scared. There is such a part of me that is so done with this and would love to see what life would be like without him. Then there is another part of me that cannot imagine going through the whole process, how emotionally impossible it would be. Twenty three years is a long long time. And the kids. But then I think…I know he has emotionally done harm to them in many ways, how can I let this go on any longer?
Any advice? I don’t even know where to start. Is it even worth trying to bring him into therapy. At this point I dont think so – b/c I would have to live with him after.
Hi Penny,
After reading what you wrote here, I feel like you are telling my story. The only exception is that I have been married for 25 years and have 2 kids. There is much to tell about day to day life as I am sure is the same with you.
I dream of a life unbound from the chains I feel like I am trapped in.
I suppose I am looking for hope…..I just wanted to see how your situation has developed.
PJ
how can one notify the partner that they have this disorder?
He swept me off my feet now I’m walking on egg shells…I knew he was up and down, hot and cold…before we had our son we were on and off…he just turned 53 and I found out he was having an affair with a 27 yr old Airbnb guest of ours…she was like his new favorite drug and blames me for her not wanting him anymore…I have enough respect for myself to not go down that wrong road again but we have a 7 yr old son and a business together and I’m a little stuck…I can’t talk to him constructively as he doesn’t see his narcissistic/bi-polar characteristics…
My Husband with a kid, my husband started going out with other ladies and showed me cold love, on several occasions he threatens to divorce me if I dare question him about his affair with other women, I was totally devastated and confused until a friend told me about a spell caster who help people with their relationship and marriage problem by the powers of love spells, at first I doubted if such thing ever exists but decided to give it a try, when I contact him and told him my problem, he helped me cast a love spell and after 24hours my husband came back to me and started apologizing and ever since the spell cast, he has stopped going out with ladies and he is with me for good and for real. Contact this great spell caster for your relationship or marriage problem at dr.mac@yahoo. com
– Cheating
– Pull her down syndrome
– Turn me into sex machine
– Do not want to spend time with me and our children
– Boost with his finances and properties
I need help or support groups
I am married to a narcissistic husband. Everything you mentioned in your article is all true.
I’ve experienced them for 10 years. I never could question his wear-about either, for he says it’s not my right. He never allowed me to be alone with his family otherwise he’d get mad and accuse me or not speak to them anymore. Anyone who is close to me will be blamed or not speak to them. When I suspected him with his secretary he beat me in-front of her, protected her. He says the reason why he is not spending time with me its my fault because I said something embarrassing in front of our friends in 2013, and the reason he does not spend time with our children is because I’ve turned the kids against him and they don’t respect him.
Please i need a support group and a way to leave this relationship
I was with my partner for 22 years. He was a compulsive liar and such a charmer. (Still charms outsiders). His kids came first no matter what .. I never had a school holiday alone with my husband. When they grew up we had a child together and then he neglected me for the next 14+ years: not a kiss, cuddle, never slept in the same bed and certainly no sex.
I was depressed for the whole of the 22 years .. on and off tablets .. in and out of counselling .. stayed at work for long, long hours to avoid going home.
Even when I was told our child had to be delivered 2 months early and rang him, distraught, from the hospital .. he said, ‘I’ll be there when I’ve finished work.’ (I could list many examples …)
Needless to say things got worse over the years. If I wanted another child that was fine but I would beech to go through IVF – so he didn’the have to have sex with me.
My point is; I thought that I needed to stay for the children – so they were not another statistic from a broken home, well ..
On the very day he moved out, my children came home from school and for the VERY FIRST TIME EVER, said, ‘What are we having for tea?’
I replied, ‘Cheesy pasta’
‘I will cook the pasta,’ replied one.
‘I’ll will grate the cheese,’ replied the other.
My children were HAPPY for the first time and we’re happy to be downstairs and cooking with mum.
If you can’t do it for yourself .. it has to be worth it for your children!!!!!
Um. No. There is no equality or partnership in a marriage to a narcissist.
It is never worth staying. I wasted over 20 years trying to tespond and love to my ex’s issues.
If you enjoy being someone else’s personal counselor, blind cheerleader, and doormat, then, by all means stay and carry on with your masochistic desires.
I found better.
He is still a narcissist.
Beth,
I totally agree
With you….. they will NEVER change!!!!
It speaks volumes when your partner flat out refuses to be a contributor to your happiness as opposed to contaminating the relationship….
Ladies we must refuse to be mistreated by others I. E men!!! and that means we need to get clear with ourselves in regards to our own WORTH….
We as women need to be role models for our children….
Change brings change..
If nothing changes the. Nothing changes… love yourselves…
We have just reached our 2nd anniversary. My husband doesn’t ‘t have every trait but the main disturbing one to me is the problem with not being able to accept responsibility or accountability for his actions. I’ve seen him wreck a car 4 times only one totaled, eat the children personal things even made the mistake of putting coolant into my Caddilac oil slot and etc. He was trying to be manly and do it for me but didn’t read the bottles. Is paying for the oil to be changed before the coolant does any damage but couldn’t admit or accept responsibility for it or any of them. There is a lack of affection and admiration in some ways from him. He has tries but it just doesn’t work. He has changed a lot since we met but only what hasn’t effected him being him. He lies about simple shit and always shifts the blame. Never hits me, comes straight home from work, helps in many ways. Its mainly the 0 accountability that makes me feel it isn’t going to work. I have four children one of which is his but not enough energy to raise or deal with what he brings. I almost drowned in insecurities and self worthlessness until I came back to realization that I’m shiznit! Looks, personality, intelligence, and etc. He seems to have an issue with that but he has almost took it away so in that area his opinion doesn’t matter. He is very competitive about everything. 5 people could say the same thing but even in his difference he would still be the one right. He acts as if his s××t don’t stink. He has had a younger life that brings a hurtful sadness to me so im not sure how he doesn’t posses an ounce of humbleness. He was born with cleft lip and palate and even though he had surgery as a baby the scars are evident. His is kinda tore up but he never shows them. The palate left a hole in his mouth so for some reason his breath is kinda always bad. I say all that just to say how could a someone with these issues act so haughty like he is better then someone. He makes comments about others flaws but can not even see his own. I feel as though he beggars the children especially my oldest and that I can not take. My oldest has Autism very high fictional and I refuse to allow him to be brought down in any way. It seem my husband can’t understand the point of enough chastising to where it becomes beggaring and putting down. This starts many arguments which end however he prefers because can’t take the fact that he has a yelling tone. Never met anyone who didn’t know how to not yell. Even in public places he can not control his tone. I just walk off cause I’m not the one. I have tried everything including prayer and church every Sunday. We have been in counseling but the therapist said there wasn’t anything she could do for us because his inability to accept anything. The one thing which was his yelling problem was all he could acknowledge and even then he gave every excuse of why it can not and will not ever be changed. After that he shut down. Im trying to understand but I’m tired. I feel as if these things will never changed. This is his third marriage; my first and I wanted to be the one that work but I can actually understand why they did what they did. I am not afraid to leave just skeptical about starting over relationship wise. In other words giving up on love when its hard to obtain in humen beings. I love him so much and the children do too. I want to make it work but I fear I am nearing the end. I just can’t keep this up.
This all COMPLETELY hits home for me… to the point I don’t even know what to say. I feel so ignorant … I know I’ve hear the word Narcissistic… but now reading everything I realize this is DEFINATELY my husband. Like so many others, I do love him deeply, but now I actually feel sorry for him, I feel like.. well now I KNOW that I am dealing with a mentally disabled person and I don’t think I can leave him, it breaks my heart either way. Right now I am completely broken…. I don’t know who I am anymore, I HATE who I have become. I question myself, all the time.. is he right? .. am I all the things he says? He is becoming worse and as I look at his relationship with his ex-wife I am seeing traits that led them to divorce.. that led him to seek “me”. We started with an affair which I am definitely not proud of…I DEEPLY hurt people that I cared for.. even though my ex and I were already drifting apart, he did NOT deserve to be hurt the way I hurt him. Even in the beginning I thought it was strange the way he would lie, he embellished, stretched, tweaked the truth even when he didn’t need to. He made sure he had a safety net .. me… so he could leave and financially still make it. I have to make sure he “shines” when it comes to his family, friends and kids.
No matter how I got here.. I’m here and I’m lost, scared and so lonely. Financially we are a wreck.. I cant talk to him about money at all because he gets so angry and just another thing to blame me about…. I have borrowed money from my family, some he knows about and some he doesn’t. A couple of years ago I tried to talk confidently to his aunt and although she is aware of his behavior she mentioned something to her husband, it leaked a bit to my husband but he didn’t figure out it came from me.
I have a rather large inheritance coming to me next year and he cant stop talking about it. He knows I am paying my family back first but he never mentions it. It is a family inheritance which involves the selling of property so it takes time of course but he thinks things should move faster. This is one area that I block out his comments as I would NEVER put that kind of pressure on my family. At least he is rational about wanting to purchase a home as we are within 8 years of retirement.
Maybe I am going on & on right now just so I can “talk” to someone, he is so against “therapy” and gives me a hard time when I talk about counseling. I have barely scratched the surface of the issues, problems, occurances, that I deal with daily… and I haven’t even touched on his twisted sexual side… YES I have thought of leaving, many times…and I am certain that if he seeks someone else out I will know and I WILL leave. YES I have thought of suicide, but could never hurt my family that way.
Now that his disorder has a name, I plan to start reading ALOT, in hopes it will crack the door enough so I can change the way I perceive everything….and start making healthy decisions for myself because this is a very **** up way to live.
Maria,
I read your post and others and they mirror image my life. I recently received an inheritance and paid off the large loan on our home, not enough for my “N” partner who pressured me, unsuccessfully, to give him access to the remaining cash. That did it for me, after I refused to “fall into line” he physically assaulted me in front of my kids, I pressed charges and he was arrested and ended up with a criminal record and a small fine!
Now I’m proceeding with a divorce, I had to obtain a non-mol aagainst him and occ order to protect me and my kids. I stlll feel scared, angry, sad, however I’m free after 17 yrs of inhuman treatment and mental cruelty walking on eggshells in my own home, the one place I should feel safe.
One day you will leave, there will be one thing he does that pushes you over the edge.
God bless you and stay strong, that day will surely come your way.
reading all your comments made me realize that I did a great decision of leaving my husband at first I was afraid to admit that I had a failed marriage but then I realize how much I suffered from him. All the symptom of being a narcissist was with him and to think that he was a military official in Philippine Airforce he can get always get a young and sexy woman but after he got what he wants he will leave them and come back again to us. I told my self this is too much that is why I decided to end my 16 yrs of marriage to him anyway I cannot remember any single day that I was happy with him because he is not caring , always ignore me and don’t talk to me too much he doesn’t like my family as well and just me money not enough to my our daily needs and if I bought something he will asked receipt . If he has done mistake he will try to give back the blame on me that I was the one who made a mistake, never said sorry for all the wrong things that he has done with me.
I married a narcissist and was married to him for 16 years, I had 3 children at the time we married and he had 1 from his previous marriage. At the beginning all was good, but then he turned very abusive, in an emotional way, with his kid, and with mine, including myself. I kind to learn to cope with him, but my self esteem was destroyed, and I felt it. He left me several times, blaming my kids of not behaving well, then he came back. Our relationship became very vicious and abusive, and I became addicted to honey moon moments and abusive moments. I left him 4 years ago and divorced him, but after a random encounter we started seeing each other again, we were leaving apart not together. I felt that living apart was a good decision. It was such a crazy relationship, a roller coaster, I felt I could not be with anyone else but him. Even though we were living apart, he started trying to control me, talked bad about my adult child that lives with me, my family, mother, sister, he thinks I should live with him, throw my kid from home to make him a man. I told him that is not going to happen, and last week I decided to definitely leave this relationship. I am 50 years old, and I don’t think the point of continuing this destructive relationship. Don’t want this anymore. He is very selfish, try to manipulate me, he told me he has years waiting for my decision to kick my young child out of home, so he can move in with me, he tells me he can not live with me and my son in the same home. He met my son when he was 4 years old, and became his father, I was a single mom, and this person is the only father my children know. He says as I did not take the decision, he is moving to another state, close to his son, and even moving out of the country, going back to our country of birth (after being here in the U.S. for almost 20 years), because he can’t not afford living alone, the money is not enough, and he does not want to work anymore. He says he does not want to compromise. He is 60 years old and tired of working. So living with me is a good economic support for him. I don’t accept his conditions, I don’t accept that he wants to isolate me from my family, not only my children, but my whole family and friends. He does not like anybody and is very conflicting. Oh well, too much stuff in 20 years. But want a better life for me, don’t want to continue to be stuck in that type of relationship. Never is too late. I have to work on my self esteem now.
Iv been with my husband 29 years- married almost 25. He is an intelligent, competent and highly skilled engineer who has provided well for his family The past 10 years, his narcissistic and self concerning behavior has tripled. To add to the mix- he drinks heavily- and tells himself that ” its not that much”. I’v witnessed his anxiety and angst grow over petty things- and important things- Either way he cannot deal with conflict- difference of opinion- or working with others. He need to be in charge – commanding and directing. Its been so exponential that I have a hard time remembering where it got really bad. He gets very insulted and angry if you question his assessment or authority- and tends to work in a strained stressed angst that is not helpful to those in his circle. For me, its been hard- because suddenly I have become the blame for everything- his temper- his drinking- and his need to be in control ( because ‘Im so stupid and have such low standards) Our college age children are just old enough to really see what’s happening- and we are all fearful of his reactions to saying anything. Debating how to proceed- life is complicated at this age- there are lots of financial and emotional and possible physical threat when and if I take any action to break away. Very hard to focus on how to proceed.
THANK YOU for this comment “Tina Fey.” As a counselor, my jaw dropped as I read the “advice” in this article. “Flatter” him, “flirt” with him. Jeezes. Get OUT- always- if your boundaries are crossed any where near as severely as the behaviors described in this article. Oy.
Hi Liz,
I agree with you 100%. I read that and a few other pearls of advice and said aloud ” that won’t work, nope that won’t work, nope, nope” . I was with my ex for ‘only’ 2 years full on, but we’d met almost 12 years before when he first started the love bombing etc. Time passed and then we reconnected and the c**p began.
What I have learned: Narcs like all personality disorders, have different levels. Mine was a ‘fragile narcissist ‘ as opposed to the ‘malignant’ narcs but they all share common modus operandi. And are all incredibly horrible to experience in a relationship.
Narcs only see ONE move in a chess game. What I mean is, they do everything for a reaction but have no idea what is to be done after that reaction. I.e. imagine a chess board and the game on between you and your narc. He will make a move based on his feelings of shame (because you did, said, considered etc. something he didn’t like because it embarrassed, humiliated him or was simply unexpected…and had same effect) and he will expect the reaction he knows should happen, based on this move. If you don’t do what he’s expecting, he won’t sweep the pieces off the board and start over, he will ‘redirect’. He will set aside the board in which the move you used ‘failed him’ (you weren’t angry, you didn’t beg forgiveness, you didn’t admit you were wrong) and he will produce ANOTHER board, and make a new move. Rinse , repeat. But while he cannot think more than that ONE move, he WILL keep the previous board and your failed move, to use against you. Not in a new game..in the SAME game he will resurrect when he feels you’ve failed him in another way.
2) Flattering narcs is fraught with pitfalls. Narcs, NONE of them, no matter the spectrum, really believe they are all that and a bag of chips. That’s what YOU’RE there for. Their insecurity is ingrained and their self-esteem is in tatters thanks to their upbringing. (Narcs are created much like bacteria in a Petri dish…either too much attention or near total neglect. In neither case was actual CARE involved, or emotional support, which is why they equate failing, or guilt as shame, and why, again, YOU are there. To make them feel they are good enough..better Because if you admire them (when they value you, then they MUST be good enough…even…awesome.) The problem is: they want you to admire them because you bring admiration to them from others because you do. (Doesn’t have to be about beauty, btw…if they feel others value you, THEY do too…they are the quintessential followers, btw) BUT…the lack of self-worth will always haunt them, and you and that’s where the devaluation of you begins. Eventually, its a case of “I know I’m s**t but she makes me look good and others are envious of me…wait…I know I’m s**t so if she loves me, there must be something wrong with her. Basically, flatter too much and he’ll see through it in a minute and what would be for normal men (or women) a frustrating, upsetting thing (being conned) will be a completely over the top reaction for a narc. The embarrassment will cut so deep his next ‘move’ will be catastrophic…aggressive or passively so, and equally destructive.
Narcs are children that never actually matured emotionally. This is true. A narc thinks, reacts and feels emotions nearly exactly as a 5 or 6 year old, which is roughly about the time they realised they were worthless to the people who were supposed to give them the tools to help them understand their value as people, and others value as well. So, if you think of your narc as a five year old, with a child’s reactions, conclusions, and emotions (without the pesky addition of empathy…they never learned that at all–too busy saving their own emotional fragility to bother about anyone elses) then it is much easier to deal with them…if you must. But it will never be a satisfying, loving, adult relationship. They will never grow up, and they will never learn that to play chess well, they must be able to think more than a single move at a time. It’s not that they won’t…they can’t.
Finally: Narcs can’t handle criticism. ANY criticism. All of it, constructive or not is an attack. Always. And they react, always. Like a child. And just like a child, they will hold any marbles they’ve gathered from your relationship with them, behind their back in a chubby, sweaty, terrified grip until the moment they can fling them at you….to prove over and over again that you’re not worth it, because if you were, you’d never put up with them, because they know..their not.
My experience of being married to a narcissist for over 20 years:
Initially tells you what to wear, chooses your clothes when you go shopping
Tells you what to do, when and how to do it (even hanging/changing clothes on radiators)
keeps mileage, has a spreadsheet on everything
Gets angry/rages if your view differs from his
Gives you a good kicking when you’re down
Remembers all your and the kids “failings” to use again and again in a rage
Main goal in life is to control all finances and hoard money
The kids have let him down because they are not at Cambridge or Oxford (they are beautiful clever kids)
Hates everyone
Little “failings” cause a rage; you’re stupid, a failure at life etc
Everything he does he reminds you its for you (even the washing up) and wants a medal
Very critical of others achievements
Thinks he is really cleaver and everyone else is stupid
Thinks everything is done deliberately to him
Is bitter because the kids and me have lived off his earnings (I stayed at home) and spend his money
Rains on everyone’s parade; hates Christmas, holidays unnecessary, etc, wants everyone to suffer like him.
How me and my young adults (at uni) cope with him:
We talk to him with respect, like we’re talking to a mental patient and try and explain/rationalise, knowing when to walk away. It doesn’t make any difference. He still thinks we’ve ruined his life and done whatever to him deliberately. We try to not let him stop whatever we want to do but it does put a dampner on things.
Why am I still here:
Because I’ve found my own happiness within me, the kids are at uni. If I can bear it I’ll put up with it. He is my kids father and if we could find happiness I would take it – although I know this will never happen. I do feel guilty for subjecting the kids to this treatment, I should have left a long time ago. He has joked that he would kill me rather than have me walk away with his money.
For me there was just no money, house, jewelry or cars that could
Keep
Me there. The constant psychological abuse he put
Me through was killing me. Had I not demanded he leave and continue in the relationship I truly believe I would have been stricken with an illness. Hats off to those of you that chose to stay and have been able to disconnect yourselves from the insanity. Be well and god bless…
Thank you for all the words of wisdom on how to cope and live a better life . I am 66 years old and have stayed – and plan to keep on staying – with the NARC I am married to. He owes me the beautiful house I live in. He owes me the retirement money I will have and I have paid dearly for it all! I won’t restate his traits – you all know them. I am determined to get out more and find some friends as a support group. No one except close family really know the real Mike. His friends and colleagues at work think he is such a great guy and that I should treat him far better than I do. I LOVE the weekends because he goes to his sportsman club and the gym and I have time to myself! I take myself out to breakfast, lunch with my grand daughters, and go shopping! Walking by myself in the park is a really important self-care treat for myself and sooooo much better than walking with him! We sleep in separate bedrooms and sex is off the table now, thank God, because he can’t perform. I may never find a caring relationship but I will not leave this one. I have suffered too long and paid the price. I find leaving the room when he gets in a mood is best. Avoidance works!
Wow. You just described my life. Married 36 years, my Mike is called Clemens and he’s managed to damage both adult kids. They are ok and in solid relationships, but he ruined their childhoods. I’m in the same boat.
Dear Lori Bagliere, remember you are a child of the king of kings ,as all of us, move over take time but it is possible. DivorceCare groups helped me to deal with the pain and I found refuge in a shelter until I could find a job to provide for me and my 2 children, God is good, do not believe on lies that pop up in your mine that you are not worthy, because you are worthy and valuable. This is not your fault, believe on that and pray God will give you the strength you need to have your life back.
With love in Christ
Myra
You always argue with me! Whatever I do it’s never good enough for you. If you are happy all the world is happy but nobody is thinking about me and how I feel. Whatever you touch there’s always trouble. I don’t know how you and your son can be so clumsy. You both hate me. I don’t know how you manage to irritate me so much. Never mind, you never listen anyway. There’s some serious problem communicating with you. You never listen. You always stand so close that I just spilled it trying to manouver around you, you’re a troublemaker. You have very flat bottom, you don’t have this something… sensuality and sexuality. Did you eat all the crackers? I just bought a whole pack. I spent so much money. Why are you opening the garage door? What are you up to? How many times did I tell you the air conditioning is running like crazy when you open garage door? What do you need from the garage? What are you going to do with this plate? Where are you going? To the bathroom? Why? We can never watch a movie together because you don’t like good movies. And today I heard – you must shut your f…ing mouth… after I run out of the house crying I heard – if you are leaving me don’t forget to take your son. That’s my wonderful charming romantic husband after just one year. That’s what I hear daily. This website is opening my eyes. I was hoping things can get better because I still love him and find him attractive. His actions are good, he cares about our family but his words cut like a knife.
Only one year? You’re still able to pull it together and get the hell out of there before you’re damaged beyond repair.
Run don’t walk. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for
Your son. I’m 56 and demanded
That my spouse leave. We were
Married
For
10 1/2 years
Without children together. He had 3
Children from his prior marriage
And a 13’year old illegitimate daughter that he never saw but was paying child support for. He always told people he had 3 children. I had loads all
Respect
For
Him, not
To mention he tried to destroy me with his psychological abuse. I chose me over him and I must say it was the most painful 2 years. We are still not divorced because he won’t let go. Another form of abuse. I am working 24/7 on me and it’s been a rough journey but soooooo worth it… they will NEVER change, but we can because we care… good luck and choose YOURSELF and you son.
Sounds identical to my husband of 8 years and it’s so confusing because he’s also a great provider and really sensitive in other areas. He also is a home body he never runs the streets and make sure his family is first and we are comfortable at all times. He’s also and excellent father. It’s mind boggling how he loves us enough to do those things but also acts like he resents me?!!
Everything that I have read in this article is my husband ,i have been with him over 20yrs, he has always been this way , when I was young I really didn’t pay attention to it , but now that we are 45,44 years old its very clear that he has these problems, and I am sick of it, I just ignore him ,or I wont talk to him for a couple of days, then he will be nice to me and all is forgiven , well I cant anymore, I have allowed him to treat me bad for way too long, even his family sees that he is mean for no reason , he is a big bully, I wont lie and say I don’t love him because I do , but tired now, I don’t care anymore, I left him for a year , and I let him come back because he acted as though he changed, he did not, he came back and still acts the same damn way. his attitude is so negative, and he is not supportive of anything, all he does it talk down to everyone. He acts like he is perfect ,and he knows everything in the world. I’m so over this , I really am….. LoAmber – Amber was on the phone and then approached me to go outside and talk because she was upset. I stepped outside with Amber and she started to cry. She told me that she was going to get prison time once she gets out of treatment because the judge told her that if she gets anymore warrants they were going to make sure she served time. Her ex boyfriend told her about a warrant for her arrest that he saw online. I advised Amber to speak to her lawyer and trust that he will do his job to make sure that she avoids this time. In the mean time I told her all she can do is complete treatment and show the judge that she is dedicated to making a change in her life. While outside her lawyer got back to her and told her that he did not see any new warrants for her arrest, only the one that he was already representing her on. Amber calmed down and appeared to be relieved
I married with my husband 45 years ago.from the beginning I noticd that I did not marry with the right person,and I continued living with him.he was very stubborn and very rude he did not accep anybody except himself.he criticized me all the time ,anythlng I made.he told me it is not good you don,t know any thing.he never appreciate and never made me happy He screaminig to me all time and say bad word he is very ambitious and see himself like a lion in front of a little bird. I suffered 43 years I am not able to continue suffering anymore. I have 2 adult kids they both are educated & married very good kids I am proud of them .my husband has a very severe narsistic personality how
can I get along and continue living with him. Please reply
Hello all –
My friend in Melbourne is going through the same situation, she was suffering from minor anxiety before her marriage but through 8 years her condition has deteriorated. She suffers from panic attacks very often now and her husband fails to acknowledge her condition even when the psychiatrist admits she needs help. Husband doesn’t want her to take any medication and out right denies it. Her condition has become so bad she cant leave the house alone afraid she will suffer panic attacks. Her husband has forced her to isolate herself from friends and family and now she is completely dependent on him. What can she do in this situation ? What can I do to help her ? Is it not a crime to deny someone medication ?
I constantly feel this way every day I have been with my husband for 13 years and it’s went from bad to worse and I know now that my future will not ever change until I leave which kills me because like some of these women we love them but they make it literally impossible to live a normal life. People should not have to feel Guilty or constant blame for the decisions they make in their lives it isn’t fair or the least bit normal. I’ve been in three abusive relationships and two out of three were physical in my last current was mental and emotional and verbal and honestly I would rather be beaten physically, not to mention the physical strain you will have for years to come until you’re dead because you are in a constant fight or flight response. Seeping adrenaline ages you along with stress and emotions. I have endometriosis which is hard enough as it is but I constantly feel like a piece of shit 24 seven and all my husband wants it’s more compliments more recognition and more for him, He plays like I will always be there for you to support you no matter what you can count on me and then when you called them you immediately regret it- Life is so fun advice to all of you get out now