Narcissistic Sister: Help! My Sister is a Narcissist

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There’s an unwritten rule that we have to love our family unconditionally, so admitting that your sister is a narcissist can make you feel guilty or ashamed.

But dealing with a narcissistic sister can be exhausting and wear down your self-esteem.

Is your childhood filled with memories of having to hide your achievements in fear of your sister punishing you for them?

Did she blame you for her bad behavior then sit back happily while you got punished?

Did you find yourself going along with her lies because it was easier to keep the peace than have to deal with her bullying?

If you’ve experienced any of this kind of behavior from your sister, you may have been dealing with a narcissist.

This post outlines the signs and symptoms of a narcissistic sister and some tips for dealing with one.

Whether you have a severely narcissistic sister or a milder one, this post will provide you with support and guidance. You are not alone! 

8 Typical Signs and Behavior of a Narcissistic Sister

If you have a difficult relationship with your sister but are unsure whether you’re dealing with a narcissist,

first ask yourself if you actually enjoy spending time with her. Do you find it exhaustive instead?

If you feel anxiety and dread before seeing her, this is the first sign that something is wrong.

If you find it difficult to talk to her and never quite know which side of her you’re going to see, this is a sign she could be a narcissist.

Here are some other tell-tale signs to look out for:

how to deal with a narcissistic sister

1. She believes she is more important than you

If she thinks she deserves more recognition from the rest of your family than you, this could be a clear sign she is narcissistic.

Behavior that reflects this could include constantly making ‘jokes’ about being more intelligent than you or being better at sport (and everything) than you. 

narcissistic sister feels she is better than you

2. She has to be the Center of Attention

No matter the occasion, she just has to be the center of attention at all times.

Even if it’s your birthday or your graduation ceremony, she’ll find a way to make it about her.

This shows in dominant behaviors that result in a shift of attention from you to her.

Narcissists strongly need validation, appreciation, and affirmation (2).

She is always looking for these to fulfill her narcissistic supply and will do anything to get them. 

3. She feels entitled to everything

She thinks she is the superior sibling and is therefore entitled to all of your parent’s attention, a better job, a better partner, a better family…a better everything.

She may even feel entitled to more inheritance than you, it’s not a nice thought, but you might want to ensure you get your fair share when/if the time comes. 

Suggested Reading: How to deal with your Narcissistic Sibling?

This could have started with small things when you were kids.

For example, she decides she wants the chocolate-flavored cupcake even though you already picked it out earlier and kicks up a fuss until she gets what she wants.

Behaviors in adulthood may include monopolizing conversations to show everyone how important she is (3).

She will listen to others only for the chance to pull the conversation back to her and boast about how incredible she is.

You might feel like you owe her something when really you don’t owe her anything at all.

Years of her acting entitled have trained you to think this is true.

If you have felt an inequality between you and your sister from a young age, and it doesn’t seem to be changing in adulthood, this is a huge sign you have a narcissistic sister. 

4. She doesn’t recognize your feelings

Narcissists suffer from a complete lack of empathy and are often only aware of their own feelings (4).

Your narcissistic sister will be unable to put herself in your shoes and will be unaware of any harm she has caused you.

You may notice she has no interest in hearing about your stories and struggles but loves telling you all about her own and will take great offense if you don’t listen. 

5. She is a pathological liar

If you notice that she often exaggerates things – particularly her own achievements – this can be a sign that you are dealing with a narcissistic sister.

She may even lie about small everyday things, just for its fun!

Reading Suggestion: 5 Signs of a Narcissistic Sibling

These lies may snowball into over the top stories that get harder and harder to believe.

If you say you don’t remember it like that or press her for more details, she’ll get angry at you for questioning her and turn the blame on you to make the rest of the family feel sorry for her.

She may even purposely make up lies about you to hurt your reputation and your place in the family. 

your narcissistic sister is a pathological liar

6. She is extremely jealous of you

Despite the way she acts as if she is better than you in every way, a narcissistic sister will actually be extremely envious of you and will consider you her rival (5).

She will hate it when you get any kind of praise and will always try to win your parents attention.

Gaslighting is a behavior that is strongly associated with this.

She feels the sibling rivalry so much that she will create stories about you to make you look crazy or weak.

This may involve actively smearing your name in front of family and friends or more subtle techniques like planting small suggestions that you are unstable. 

—-> Read our article “Why do Narcissists get jealous?” to read more about this topic

7. She changes how she behaves around different people

For example, she acts sweet and innocent around your parents to get their attention and admiration, and then completely changes when you are alone together.

She may even present different personalities to you alone, sometimes acting the devoted sister and others a complete bully.

Narcissists are experts at playing different roles and wearing different masks to get what they want, so watch out for this (6). 

8. She uses triangulation to alienate you

Triangulation is a tactic narcissists are known to use often and it involves purposely pitting people against each other using lies and manipulation (7).

Suppose you notice your sister often tells you what other family members have said about you behind your back. In that case,

this is a sure sign she is using triangulation to ensure you don’t unite with other family members against her.

She aims to keep a safe distance between you and your other family members so you won’t form bonds without including her.

This way she can manipulate you all and none of you will be able to connect the dots. 

—-> Want to know more about Triangulation? Read my article: What is Narcissist Triangulation 6 Ways to stop the Triangulation

How to deal with a narcissistic sister?

There is no ‘one size fits all’ way to deal with a narcissistic sister, as each individual will be different, with different toxicity levels.

But these are some general dos and don’ts that may help you deal with your narcissistic sister. 

1. Don’t call her a narcissist

In general, narcissists struggle to reflect on their own behavior so calling her out will have no effect, as she won’t be able to see that she actually has a problem.

Instead, she will probably insist you’re the one with the problem and will do everything she can to prove it.

So, calling her a narcissist could actually make your relationship worse. 

2. Don’t argue with her

For the same reason, arguing won’t help. She will not gain any insights from your feedback, or even listen to it at all, so don’t waste your breath.

Resist the urge to defend yourself when she insists you’re the problem, as getting a reaction from you will be exactly what she wants.

Don’t try to outsmart her or play her at her own game, as this will only drain your energy and make her more intent on winning.

Trying not to engage emotionally is a much better option, as you won’t be adding any fuel to the fire. 

3. Focus on your choices

Remember that just because she’s your sister, doesn’t mean you have to spend time with her.

You can choose to avoid her, limit your time together or have someone else with you when you see her, so you are not alone together.

You can choose to set clear boundaries when it comes to interacting with her. 

4. Set clear boundaries

While you can’t control your sister’s narcissistic behavior, you can control your own.

Instead of trying to change her, look at how you can change your own habits to support yourself.

Look at the ways you tolerate her narcissistic behavior and how this might actually be supporting it.

A narcissistic child often takes over the family dynamic, demanding the most attention (8).

You may have gotten used to dealing with this, but you can withdraw your participation anytime.

Start shutting her down if she speaks to you disrespectfully or tries to insult you, rather than just letting it slip.

Remember, it’s never too late to set clear boundaries and it’s actually better to do it sooner rather than later!

Communicate your boundaries clearly, so there can be no confusion, and observe whether this method helps or if she becomes more toxic and needy when you try to walk away.

She will choose to respect or violate your boundaries, so this method can be very telling. 

5. Gain knowledge about narcissism

The more knowledge you have about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the better you’ll be able to deal with it.

Accept the fact that you have a narcissistic sister and you have to deal with it if you want to continue having her in your life.

Become aware of what is unhealthy about your relationship and let go of certain expectations you may have.

Remember, it’s not your fault and there are ways you can cope. Clarity about the situation will help you to decide the best way to move forward. 

6. Get support

Dealing with a narcissistic sister can wear down your self-esteem so it’s important to seek support for yourself.

This can be from friends and other family members who understand or professionals such as counselors and lawyers if need be.

Seeking support will give you some perspective and help you to see that you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

Talking about how your narcissistic sister has affected your life will give you strength and help you seek out the best course of action when dealing with her.

However, you end up handling the situation, know that you are not alone and there is plenty of help out there. 

7. Go no contact

If you feel like you’ve tried everything to cope with your narcissistic sister but she isn’t going down without a fight and is still insisting on making your life hell, going no contact could be your only option.

Yes, she’s your family but if she is causing you harm, you have every right to cut ties.

Just because someone is your blood, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have them in your life.

It may not be easy at first, but remember your health and happiness is more important than anything else.

Try the ‘Grey Rock’ method which involves refraining from reacting to anyway a narcissist tries to contact you.

If you stop representing a source of narcissistic supply to them, eventually they will leave you alone and you will be free to heal.

Of course, this isn’t the only way of dealing with a narcissistic sister and should be a last resort, but may be necessary in extremely abusive situations. 

Low Contact or No Contact with Your Narcissistic Sister?

Should you go No contact with your Narcsissitic Sister or is it better to maintain low contact?

The boring answer for this is “It depends”. If, for some reason, it is impossible to break all contact, you should consider using the tips I mentioned above.

However, if there is nothing more you can gain from the relationship with your sister you should consider going No contact.

Maintaining contact can cause stress, fights, and more unpleasant situations you did not sign up for.

Try to find support with another family member or if that is not available, a life coach or psychologist.

They will listen to you and advise you on what you can do. In the end, only you can decide what it is you want to do.

Healing from a narcissistic sister

As narcissists often fail to see their disruptive behavior, they are unlikely to change their ways (9).

It is possible, through therapy and counseling for narcissists to get more in touch with their empathy, which can allow them to have more healthy relationships.

But this requires them to realize they have a problem and understand their own narcissistic tendencies.

Most often, accepting that your narcissistic sister will not change and taking your healing into your own hands is the best route to take.

Setting boundaries and putting yourself first makes it possible to keep your sister in your life and deal with her narcissistic ways.

However, there are varying levels of severity and toxicity so it is up to you to choose if it is worth having her in your life or if you need to heal alone. 

References used for this Article

  1. Torgersen, S. Epidemiology. Oldham JM, Skodol AE, Bender DS. The American Psychiatric Publishing Textbook of Personality Disorders. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing; 2005. 129-141.
  2. Behary, W. T. (2013). Disarming the narcissist: surviving and thriving with the Self-Absorbed. new harbinger publications.
  3. de Vries, M. F. K. (2019). Mission (Im) possible: Dealing with Narcissistic Executives. In Down the Rabbit Hole of Leadership (pp. 67-71). Palgrave Macmillan, Cham.
  4. Ritter, K., Dziobek, I., Preißler, S., Rüter, A., Vater, A., Fydrich, T., … & Roepke, S. (2011). Lack of empathy in patients with narcissistic personality disorder. Psychiatry research187(1-2), 241-247.
  5. Finzi-Dottan, R., & Cohen, O. (2010). Young adult sibling relations: The effects of perceived parental favoritism and narcissism. The Journal of Psychology145(1), 1-22.
  6. Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Annual review of clinical psychology6, 421-446.
  7. Krizan, Z., & Johar, O. (2012). Envy divides the two faces of narcissism. Journal of personality80(5), 1415-1451.
  8. Brodey, W. M. (1965). On the dynamics of narcissism: I. Externalization and early ego development. The Psychoanalytic study of the child20(1), 165-193.
  9. Hepper, E. G., Hart, C. M., & Sedikides, C. (2014). Moving Narcissus: Can narcissists be empathic?. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin40(9), 1079-1091.

36 thoughts on “Narcissistic Sister: Help! My Sister is a Narcissist”

  1. I have such a sister who’s verbally and emotionally abused me my entire adult life. I’m 62 female. Family of 4. She-golden child. Me- scapegoat. Male parent- our abuser & narcissist. Mother- I say, the only regular(I don’t believe in the word normal) one in the family who happened to be a functioning alcoholic but very, very good Mother! . It’s 3 years now since I cut off all communication with her. Regardless of all she’s done and said to me this is very hard for Empath to do. I cry all the time….

    • Hi LoriLynn,
      My sister is as well. I’m 59 and it’s been this way my entire life -as far back as I can remember. I’ve cut off as much communication as possible with her. It is very very difficult and I feel depressed because of the impact it’s had on me and my life. I totally get it.

    • Hi LoriLynn. I have to force myself to refuse to feel sorry for my sister. It’s the worst thing for me to do because it might lead to letting her continue to abuse me psychologically. I have deep sorrow for her because of two things.

      I always wanted to have a close relationship with her and be accepted by her. And, I understand how she was damaged. I was too. I hope so much you can get free of the tears.

      For me, it’s unbearable rage, and sorrow for the life I lost to being robbed of ego strength and the ability to think clearly, to see what she was doing to me. Until the past nine months when she came on full throttle, though surreptitiously after her husband died.

      • Gosh, your life sounds so much like mine. I didnt realize my sister is a covert narcissist .. I was confused most of the time. Theres only she & I .. and its terrible we cant have a close sister relationship.. but shes mean, abusive etc. when my Daddy passed, at his funeral .. my husband at that time were separated.. she called me the black sheep to my face that day. Ill never forget her coldness.. and lack of empathy.. .. Its really sad.. we only have each other

    • I can relate. To this day my sister still tries to abuse me even though both my parents died and she kept me away from them to the death. I always blamed myself when I was younger and now that I’m older, I think I have to help her get out of the mess she created. I’m in a high job position and she’s starving on disability. I give her money and help her out and she still calls me down whenever she wants. The pain is like a dagger through the heart as you want a normal sister but it’ll never happen. She blamed me for everything throughout my life, even when I wasn’t there. I see it now and I’m 57 years old. How sad.

  2. Thanks for the article, for years I had been thinking about whether or not my sister counted as narcissistic. We didn’t grow up in an easy household but especially later on after all was done we were grown-up things just kept on repeating in some vicious circle that always involved her.

    One moment being nice and then (usually around Christmas) some weird unthought idea such as divorce or quitting her job without a backup and anyone mentioning anything would get a wave of anger. Yet minutes before she would sit there with a smile and tell my parents how she couldn’t feed her kids, couldn’t do laundry, had no money for gas, or demanded items (cause her poor kids) my parents intended to give to me as a gift for when I moved out.

    When she finally did get a divorce my parents couldn’t handle it anymore and finally started saying no because their health would decline because she acted like visiting a shrink: she’d come over and all smiles would explain how she was now almost homeless with 2 kids and would tolerate no advice or comment. Soon as my parents started saying no (because due to stress their health was declining) she stopped coming around and decided it wasn’t worth visiting with the grandkids anymore. My father who recently passed away hadn’t seen them before his death for over 2 years and she really doesn’t care about that.

    Suddenly now she wanted contact again but my mother is now well informed and sets boundaries and strangely she only allows contact with her. The kids whom we have not seen for many years now and who are now teenagers and not spoken about, the conversation is only about her. Only now do my mother and I realize how much we had been walking on eggshells throughout all those years and how absurd some of her scenarios were.

    I think at the time we all were so used to it every day that it had become a sort of normal situation to be in, only when I moved out and to another city did I realize the absurdity and became more outspoken about it towards my parents who finally started realizing something was wrong when she decided to suddenly divorce from her husband.

    In case of my mother’s passing, she has assigned a third party to manage anything involving inheritance because (and my sister says she doesn’t want anything) we both fear of what song she will play whenever that happens. I am so glad I managed to rid myself out of that everlasting storm.

  3. I am so thankful for this article and the comments. I’ve searched for some months to learn about the narcissistic sister and all I could find were articles about boyfriends. A person who has not experienced this type of psychological abuse might not understand the urgency you feel when things get worst.

    Now, I have a Psychiatrist and an Emdr therapist a few visits but dealt with the death of my beloved son some years ago. Meanwhile, as I posted earlier, my sister’s husband died last Dec and she turned her full attention on me whereas before his death, at least he was a buffer by his presence, altho he was not allowed to think on his own due to her.

    Now, I am going to get rid of the rage, with help. Thank you Dr. Burgemeester, LoriLynn and Wendy.

  4. This article and the letters have helped me feel supported and understood. I’m 63, have been dealing with a severe narcissist sister for so very long…trying to understand her. I’ve walked away several times, but this past Christmas really did me in.

    I reached out and along with a friend and invited her for dinner and hopefully some laughs. It quickly turned into her insulting me, then she abruptly left the table the minute my friend tried to change the subject…Then I received more accusing emails and texts the rest of the week.

    Yes, I can ignore it all, I’ve gotten very good at that….but, when everything settles again, I hurt for her…as cruel as she can be, I’m sad that she was dealt these cards and that I’ve lost my only sister. Thanks for letting me vent.

    • Hi Kathy,
      I have a sister who is the same. She is on the severe and dangerous side of Psychopath. Since I was a child I felt suffocated like I couldn’t breathe.
      She is the Golden Child of my narcissistic mother, and controlling father. Growing up was like a war zone ducking and weaving from her violence, lies, and psychological torture. Then the thrashing I received from my parents on top of it.
      We are all adults now, and she is more dangerous, and attention-seeking than ever before. Believe me, I never feel safe around her. When I look into her eyes, it’s like looking into the eyes of a cold-blooded murderer. There is just no emotion.
      When I lost a child there was no sympathy, empathy, or nurturing from my family. They didn’t go to my daughter’s funeral. They were as cold as ice!
      Yet I found out they tried to gain sympathy from all their friends and our relatives about how sad they were. My mother’s friends sent her flowers out of sympathy.
      I felt sick to my stomach that someone could be so sick! No flowers for the grieving mother in this case.
      I find that Narcissistic people can only focus on themselves, and the attention they are getting. Everything is about them and only them.
      Try and have some fun with them. Have an over-the-top conversation with them about how fabulous they are. Make everything about them, and make fun of everything they are great at. They can’t tell the difference when you are being genuine and not. In the meantime, you can walk away from the conversation laughing at how ridiculous they are, and how they behave.

    • I’m so sorry for all you went through. I know this is a while back this was posted. Not even sure if you’ll see this.

      I sometimes get about 20 insulting emails within a day and this is after buying her an expensive vehicle cuz she’s poor and I’m not. I worked and she refuses. It’s like the hell never ends. Here I am still helping her expecting her to change. I give her monthly money and pay her utilities or she’d lose her house. Some days I hate myself for not giving up on her.

      • If I were you I would not buy her car she insult you I blocked her forever I feel so peace of mind that what I’m doing.

  5. I have spent the entire day reading and rereading about narcissism. I’m 60, my entire life myself and my family have walked on eggshells where my sister is concerned. We never knew whether it was going to be a tongue lashing day or a carefree and happy one. Standing your ground against accusations or embellished memories where she is the hero that didn’t ring true, set the table for war. Funerals, weddings and reunions become battle arenas for her drama that eventually always reared its ugly head in demanding recognition and personal praise for her contributions. Always the martyr. Claiming my xboyfriends & their wives as best friends became a sport and great satisfaction to her over the years. Jealousy is off the chain. I used the excuse that she was ADD & ADHD for the controlling and embarrassing behavior she displays. Her husband recently died. I always thought, maybe she’ll come out the other side and be happy getting on in her life as their relationship was ALWAYS tumultuous. She is so MUCH WORSE now. She has no filter and loves to declare how she does it all doesn’t need a man as she declares that she will say whatever she wants whenever.
    She spins from one victim to the next. She has been dating a good friend of her previous husband. A nice guy. She’s bombastic, aggressive and controlling toward him. She got angry at him for not supporting her when she created drama to make me look bad and will troll everyone within earshot to agree with her. I love her but I can’t take it anymore!
    Thanks for the comments here. I have never felt so lost in dealing with any of life’s issues, but I have to jump off of this drama train that has become the normal in my family. I’m not walking on eggshells anymore!

    • You sound like you’re talking about my sister. My sister even tried to steal my fiancé in front of my Dad. He was surprised but they still allowed her to get away with everything. Every Christmas was me driving away alone to spend it by myself as she’d start a fight with me or my parents and I’d have to defend them. It never ended good with me.

      In the end I just kept away and lost so much of time with my parents whom I loved so much. She was on disability so she was always home guarding them. I still don’t know how I managed to succeed in life but sometimes my heart hurts so darn much.

      I most recently bought her a nice vehicle cuz she crashed hers and can’t afford another one. I help her with her utilities and give her monthly financial help. She still calls me down whenever she wants. She’s in my will and I’m not in hers.

      She lied about my dads will and I ended up paying for his estate just to keep it in the family. She caused all that cost. She’s a liar and thief but somehow makes me feel like I’m the loser. I’m 57 years old and I remember her doing this to me from the time I was 3 years old.

      I’m healing and keeping away from slowly. I help her as I pity her. She has no pity for me.

  6. I wish I could turn back the clock and learned about narcissistic behaviour earlier. My sister meets all of the above criteria and beyond it, she is passive aggressive and dangerous. Until late last year I considered her to have some type of mental illness like bipolar, Mum always dismissed her poor behaviour as her being “different”. Xmas Day 2021 she flipped at Mum’s bedside in hospital, to this day Mum probably has no idea that it was her comments to sister that triggered the resulting outburst. Once again, and fit the last time, I became the scapegoat. I made the biggest error is calling her a nutcase narcissist, actually without fully understanding narcissistic behaviour! Then the abusive phone calls, maniacal driving to scare me, abusive accusatory emails started.. and yes she flipped and is now accusing me of being the narcissist. I have no idea if those apparently in her side ( named in emails) are even aware she has involved them but I have gone no contact with her. This has resulted in my elderly mother taking her side and refusing to communicate with me … until I apologise to sister. I am not falling down that rabbit hole again only to see the pattern of abuse start up again. I realise I need to feel safe and that means no contact. It’s had been heart breaking to lose contact with Mum but she has made that choice and given me an ultimatum, without asking or wanting ti hear my version of the events. I am learning as much as I can about narcissistic traits and articles like this and reader feedback is giving me courage to move on. Thank you.

  7. Hello,

    I have two sisters that have strong narcisistic tendancies. One is a covert narcisiste and the other a malignant narcisist. This is only my perception from reading articles, as they have never been diagnosed. Both of my sisters were abused by an older neighbor boy when they were young. I don’t know if this causes narcisism. My oldest sister whom I consider a covert narcisist, has always been this way as long as I remember. My younger sister (malignant narcisiste) developed this behavior as an older teenager. My father was very critical and uncommunicative as we all pproached adolescence.
    It’s hard for me to understand all the ways this has affected me. I tried to avoid attention from my parents. I became the helper, carrying parcels when shopping with my sister and mother, babysitting and protecting my younger two siters from my oldest sister when necessary. I refused to be in any type of situation where there was any competition. I avoid conflict. I am hypervigilant and suspicious of strangers. It akes me a long time to trust and I don’t think I ever really do trust completely. I would love to develop relationships that are more caring. I spent 30 years in a religion and a marriage that was controlling. I raised my five children in this situation. I left my marriage when my youngst son turned 18. I remarried and feel that I am in a better place. I still feel confused and second guess myself avoid activities I want to do if I think others might need me to help them in some way. I put others needs before mine, I’m working on this but have a horrible feat of turning into a narcisiste. I feel a deep pity for my sisters and I still love them. presently I have a lawyer as we are all executors of my parents will and it is a nightmare. Thank you for sharing your stories. Only my husband has heard mine before. Thank you for listenong.

  8. I’m a 53y/o M and have a 58y/o massive NPD sister. She’s ripped our family apart with dramas and lies. I don’t want to write a novel here, but I’ll give you all some clue as to what she’s done, so others can learn, I wish I confronted her earlier.
    She has 2 adult kids, neither of them talk to her, 1 for 10 years, the other 1 year. She has 3 grand kids shes never met. I only speak to her when dad 86 is really sick, 3 times in the last 10 years. (Mum died of cancer 10 years ago, which she made about her) Dad and I have very little to do with her boys and their families because of the lies she constantly said about all of us. All of the extended family will not have anything to do with her..She now lives totally alone but has a job where she gets enablers everyday…and hits twitter pretty hard so i’m told. I can’t imagine a more destructive personality given that its not illegal. Good luck all, and don’t accept it like we did for too long.

    • Ps thats Tinder not Twitter,….lol…(about that she doesn’t care about the Twitter or the outside world news etc because it doesn’t revolve around her.)

  9. This is such a helpful article! I am a 58 year old female who only has one younger sister. All of my life, I longed for a relationship with her. Not only does she push me away, she berates me and says horrible things about me to others. There was a short time that she went through a divorce and reached out to me, I was there for her every step of the way and thought we had healed. She met another guy, who seems to be a wonderful person and is now again treating me like yesterdays trash. I have made the painful decision to go NC, she has all of the tendencies listed above. We did not grow up in an easy house, but I grew into a compassionate adult – she thrives to hurt others. I am very hurt but a little relieved to put this to closure

  10. Hi Every one,
    Welcome to my world. I had a controlling father and a narcissistic mother. My sister is Sociopath and Psychopath who is violent, cruel, and a liar from hell- she could be the devil.
    I have suffered severely from psychological torment and violence all through my life and continue to the current moment.
    Recently my father went into care I believe he should have been there a long time ago. I do wonder if they were waiting for something to happen to him. I think this is extremely worrying.
    I do wonder how far my sister will go when it comes to an inheritance? I do fear for my own safety at times, which is concerning at times. Does anyone else feel the same?

  11. Hi. I believe my older sister has narcissistic traits as described above. I am an empath and love her dearly but she can hurt me emotionally very badly and she is never sorry. If I am getting attention in company she can explode and belittle me which is extremely hurtful and embarrassing. Other times we are really close and she can be very fun, kind and thoughtful. She likes to be the centre of attention. We are opposites. I am the one always trying to make amends. Everything is my fault. I was put down to my parents and they never believed my side. They always agreed with her to keep the peace I think or she gas lighted me often I believe. I let things go. I think all of this has made me a stronger person in the end, but it still hurts. Don’t criticize her or tell her what to do. I am understanding the situation more fully in part by reading articles like this one. We are close mostly but I can have PTSD for days after an episode. She is unfazed. I imagine she is hurting deep inside though. Knowledge makes it easier to cope. It is confusing.

  12. The first time I finally figured out something wasn’t quite right with my sister I was 12 yrs old. There were plenty of signs since I can remember but I never once had a reason to think it wasn’t just something wrong with me. That some reason I just wasn’t lovable or good enough. But on that day before getting on the school bus I was crying and she asked what happened and I told her that my boyfriend just broke up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him. So later that night when I come home from practice I heard her call me into my moms bedroom and I open the door and there she was naked on top of my boyfriend. She says with a sadistic smile, “can you grab those wine coolers and put them in the fridge?” “And make sure to lock the door on your way out.” I can still remember the look of satisfaction on her face as she saw the pain in mine. She’s 6 years older than me and her taste in my boyfriends never changed. It’s always the same antics with her. And all her moves are so obvious, you would think she would come up with some original content after decades later. When I stopped dating for 11 years she had to find something else to try to take from me, but I didn’t have anything so she tells me to kill myself, nobody wants me around. Isn’t that nice? It does take a while to learn not to get baited, but once you have all the same plays it’s much easier because it’s all so predictable. I’m 42 now and all the things that she has done to me are unspeakable. Everything in this article and more. I couldn’t figure it out for the longest time what I was dealing with. I kept going back over to blaming myself and trying to figure it out. I just couldn’t understand why my sister not just enjoyed hurting me so much, but she felt alive in a sadistic way every time she did. Nothing ever made her for one second feel empathy or love towards me. I’ve never seen her show me affection without an ulterior motive. And now that I’m older and wiser I finally made the best decision to cut all ties. And I don’t regret it for a second. There is no love loss because you can’t lose what you never had. And I’m so much happy and healthier now that I have both eyes wide open and can finally understand exactly who she is. The moment I cut her out, I could breathe again, and I started working on how to love myself. And it just got better from there, I even started dating again. I do wish her all the best in her life and hope she finds whatever it is that she needs to be happy and healthy in her heart. As long as she stays far, far, far away from my life. I am completely happy loving her from a distance.

    • My older sister did the same to me. She always told me I was fat and ugly and no one would ever love me. I grew up feeling unworthy and attempted suicide many times. Then she used that against me too saying I tried to hurt my family by killing myself.

      She once handed me a knife and told me to kill myself as I was unworthy and no one loved me. She took my boyfriends and tried with my fiancé many times. She enjoyed hurting me. I always blamed myself. I went into abusive relationships after this as I felt so unworthy.

      Thank goodness I learned what she was and kept away. She kept me away from my parents. Now they’re both gone and she then fought over my dying brother. The list goes on. I succeeded in life and she did not and she hates me for it. I have mostly kept away for most of my life but I tried to help her recently again. I bought her a nice vehicle with cash. No appreciation. I send her monthly monthly and she said I’ve never done anything for her. I pay for her utilities but no empathy.

      I have a lot of pity and mercy for who she is as I wouldn’t want to be her. I’m happily married and she can’t keep a husband. She now has no one in her life and she’s turned full force to me. It’s scary when you’re trying to be a good person. But I need to protect myself too. Her emails are cruel. I get panic attacks just knowing she’s about to send one. She’s dangerous as she lies to get people on her side. I don’t even bother anymore as it’s too difficult fighting against lies. Let them hate me if they want. I never win anyways.

  13. Thank you for sharing this. I have a narcissistic sibling, who has treated me poorly throughout our lives. It got worst when I finally moved out to escape abuse from her and my mother. I received cruel text messages on a daily basis, and was even smeared on social media. Things seemed to improve overtime but the constant judgment, criticism and jabs never stopped when I began standing up for myself she retaliated by giving me the silent treatment. Then she decided to go further and hurt me where it would hit the hardest and that was preventing me from having a relationship with my nephew. I would reach out and ask to speak with him, see him over and over again, she continued to make one excuse after the other, then she stopped answering her phone altogether. She then made up lies that I am in and out of my nephew’s life and haven’t seen him in about a year, but fails to admit that she is the very one hindering me from doing so. She is his mother and in control, how else can I see or speak to him? I’ve pleaded to see and speak to him but she refused.

    When you try to speak up, and no longer tolerate abuse from narcissist they will get revenge, and they will hurt where they know it will cause you to suffer the most. I miss my nephew, we had such a close bound and she intentionally got in the way of that. It is so unfair the damage that narcissist cause and they get away with it.

  14. Like everyone else here, I too have had to deal with an extremely narcissistic sister.

    For years, she has felt above the rest of the family due to having an extensive college education, perceived superior intellect, and work experience (many of the jobs she has either quit due to “being called elsewhere” or has gotten herself fired for bad behavior on the job).

    She has manipulated, lied to, and smeared family members for years, gone incommunicado with the family for months or years at a time when we no longer interest her, and has spewed out nonsensical hatred and slander on social media. Back in the early days of FB when she was still in her artistic phase (and still close with me), she would even occasionally post seminude pics of herself in between her rants and raves. Now that she has reinvented herself as a “successful businesswoman” and “a pillar of the community” in order to get herself into local politics in my neck of the woods, I hear most of the “controversial stuff” she posted in the past has been deleted and she mostly posts pics of herself with her family, pics of herself looking all noble and professional, campaign ads, etc. etc.

    My other sister and I have born the brunt of her smear campaigns and she has accused both of us of being “uneducated drug addicts”, “failures”, and “psychopaths”. She even made hysterical visits in the night to other family members claiming that I threatened to rape and murder her (which did NOT happen BTW). I’ve had some of her flying monkeys – including one or two of those family members – confront me and almost physically assault me for “being such a horrible brother and human being” and “trying to disown her.” One flying monkey made a series of posts in a local social media group claiming I am illegitimate and claiming he had proof…..which was something he never provided. At times, other family members have also been the subject of her smear campaigns if they failed to do her bidding or have run afoul of her in any way.

    Sadly enough, disowning her is what it has come to. Most of the rest of the family has cut all contact with her and blocked her phone number. Which hasn’t been too hard since at this time, she is avoiding the rest of the family. Everyone is in agreement that she is an extremely toxic human being and in need of serious help. Which she most likely will never willingly get. Naturally, I also have her blocked on all of my social media and phone numbers.

    The thing is, it wasn’t always like this. We were very close for years We even went on a road trip together across several states as recently as several years ago (which I now see was her putting ulterior motives into play). The rest of the family tells us that we are pretty much the other set of twins (despite being several years apart in age) in the family and we sure felt like it at one time. We look exactly alike, have many of the same habits and traits, and interests. But it has taken me some time to realize that the sister I felt so close to at one time was just a façade and no longer exists……Only the vindictive, self-absorbed narcissist exists now. Really, she existed back during the Golden Time too, but I failed to see the warning signs right there on her FB. I miss the close relationship I *thought* we once had. Even though she should be the one mourning the loss of the relationship, it has been absolute H*ll for me to lose her.

  15. I also have a narcissistic, histrionic sister. She’s eight years older and there were eight of us siblings. She’s always been dramatic, but she’s gotten worse over the years. She is the victim of our whole family, every man she ever dated, most of her friends and some coworkers. Oh, and her kids, who are grown now and have very little to do with her. She lies all the time and will never apologize.
    I’ll call her M. I have two other sisters, N and P. P had epilepsy and lived with N for about three years after having difficulty living alone due to the epilepsy. She was doing better but passed away in the night after a seizure three years ago. Well, M let it be known she loved P more than anyone else ever and was hurting more than the rest of us. M blamed N for P’s death and told her so about a year later. We couldn’t believe it, but the rest of us had already gone no contact with her years before.

    Recently she called her granddaughter and berated her for not communicating. My great niece is 18, and the most loving person in our family. She’s away at college and called her mom in tears over what my idiot sister said to her. Now she’s hiding from my niece (her daughter) because she’s a coward.
    She’s going scorched earth, or at least is trying to-she doesn’t have very many targets to go off on anymore, but one or two extended family members will still listen to her.

    The only way to handle these types is no contact.

  16. This is so sad. I think it is hard to determine the root of issues. Is it the other person or is it something about me? Are they in pain and I just do not know how to be there for them in the right way? Or is it something deeper and psychological that is causing me harm and I need to step away? People are human. We all have our issues. We have conflicts and see things from different perspectives. My sister and I no longer talk. I have questioned over the years if she was narcissistic. Or maybe bipolar? Or maybe it is depression and anxiety? Or maybe it is me and I just don’t know how to be a good enough sister (for real – maybe my own issues conflict with hers as we are so different)? But what I do know is that it was tearing me apart and while I mourn the loss of my sister and maybe more – I morn visions of what sisterhood could be, I know I cannot continue in the cycle we had. It was destroying me and impacting my ability to live fully for my family (husband and two daughters). Doing much better after letting my sister relationship go, but it is such a sad outcome and wish it had been different.

  17. Hello I am 53 and primary care giver to a 51 yr old sister with cerebral palsy, I think our 52 yr old narcissistic sister has been financially abusing our family for years – and is still trying. No one around to protect her from the law now. Think she emotionally abused our mom too.

    • she went scorched earth after our mom died, but doesn’t realize the lawyers interrogated me everytime she made a false accusation – yet 2 years of this and no one ever holds her accountable for lying – her latest move is to request an order of protection against me but all the allegations are false and she is gonna go trial. I am more annoyed than worried. we stopped talking about a year and half

  18. she went scorched earth after our mom died, but doesn’t realize the lawyers interrogated me everytime she made a false accusation – yet 2 years of this and no one ever holds her accountable for lying – her latest move is to request an order of protection against me but all the allegations are false and she is gonna go trial. I am more annoyed than worried. we stopped talking about a year and half

  19. I so appreciate finding this page.

    I thought I was alone. I’ve suffered my whole life under the abuse of my sister.

    Decades ago, before I knew what narcissism was, I knew she was out of her mind. The episodes, incidents, horrific gaslighting screaming, hitting (yes even as an adult) belittling, bullying, rushing, dismissing, — all of it.

    The night in the hotel room when she spitefully woke me at 4 in the morning and turned on all the lights and then turned them on again when I’d turn them off and the scream and holler at me until the neighbors were punching the wall for her to stop.

    The screaming at me in a car while I’m driving down a highway with no place to pull over.

    The cutting me off in mid-sentence as I tried to share a problem I was dealing with after just listening to her share her problems– “this is boring, I’ve got other things to do”

    The inviting my husband and over for a cookout and then uninviting because she didn’t think my husband would mix well with her upity friends (she was so wrong, he was so loved by everyone)

    Her repeatedly putting him down after he died because he wasn’t highly educated or wealthy like her doctor friends and gaslighting to try to rewrite my story like I didn’t have a fabulous marriage with him (I did) – just doing that because her own husband left her after 23 years of her abusing him – she tried to gaslight to rewrite it so I didn’t have a successful marriage and she’d feel better about her failed one.

    It’s so over the top – but to everyone else – they see she’s off – she’s fake – but she works it – she’s got money and found a husband who will play her game –

    I would love to connect with someone who knew how to start over in life after this kind of abuse.

    I personally think it’s worse than a spousal abuse. This started at my formative years. I can’t get the stench of her fantasy off of me – the fantasy that she is the popular glam girl and I’m the kids sister who should be happy to be in her tow since I’m incapable of having my own life.

  20. I read this article I learned alot about my older deaf sister I’m deaf use sign language we are deaf sister 12 years apart anyway I knew Roksana Ali 2nd child borned in India who bullied me called name whore etc jealous of me last 6th children borned in America that me I did not do anything wrong to her no wonder she try control me like borrow my money or must live together I refused I have trauma of her many years she hurted me big time she is 66 old I’m 54 years old I blocked her reason she did scratched vandalism on my car Nissan Altima 2011 back in 2014 I filed harassment against her at court we went court few times I dismissed case no proof I know she did admitted to her friend that she did keyed in my car she smile and drove her car away while I was sleeping in my apt but right now no more friend she is motive to murder me tell any deaf people community she want any person hit me for No reason I’m done with her forever my mind heal getting better so her kids one son try took his life by knife he has big scar on his arm thank to his mom She jealous of me mean to my friends she blah everybody make me look bad now I’m turning table on her when I was little girl about 6 year old roksana was teen about 18 years old she tried kill herself front of me dad grabbed knife he got cut roksana act crazy even her ex husband saw roksana get knife on her pregnancy omg she love blame on people nothing wrong it all about her need attention mom was Lousy to teach us displince or love I have not feel love in my toxic family I blocked her and her daughter my parents passed away long time ago. I’m moved on my life great with my long time boyfriend who understands me Better I have two handsome sons I cherish my sons rest of my life. Shame on her narcissistic person. Even her ex husband told me everything about her she yelled in the 3 am morning police look around apt she is crazy person she love evil hurt deaf community she has no friend only one friend she trapped her for money loan car monthly insane I never trap my friends I would not do that oh well look at herself she caused dramas everybody that why I learned from her then blocked her im changing better person be heal to my sons I love most in world.

  21. I am 59 years of age and I have terminal cancer. My eldest sister, who has been psychologically abusive to me all of my life has abandoned me. I now realise that I should have cut ties with her years ago. She has been insanely jealous of me since as far back as I can remember. I never really understood this, because I have not had a happy life. I mean, where is the sense in being crazy jealous of someone who has had a rotten life? She is 16 years older than me, and I remember one shocking incident when I was about 19 or 20, and I found out that she had been lying about me to other family members. I told my Mother that I wanted nothing more to do with her, but my Mother convinced me that we must always stick together as a family and that my sister really ‘wasn’t so bad’. My Mother was WRONG…… sister IS bad. I should have gone with my gut instinct and removed myself from my sister’s toxic orbit. The hurtful things that she has done to me are far too numerous to list, but I have to say that this final betrayal in which she has turned her back on me in the final months of my life has shocked me to the core. I guess that deep down I had always hoped that she had SOME feeling for me, even if it was only a tiny amount of Love…….but no, I am sorry to say that it the blinkers are off: My sister hates me, and she always has. I am a Christian and I know that I need to forgive her…….but how do you forgive someone who has caused you a life-time of hurt and pain and then discards you at your lowest ebb? How?

  22. My sister has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and is a sociopath. She has been like this since early childhood. She has never had a conscience or empathy. She has always felt entitled and superior to her siblings. My mother was also a narcissist who chose her as the Golden Child. I was the scapegoat who endured a living hell of physical and emotional abuse. My sister was allowed to steal from me, humiliate me, sabotage my friendships, lie about me, verbally abuse me, and falsely accuse me of things she did. She was always given special privileges and authority over my other sister and me. As adults, my parents supported her financially so she didn’t have to work while she raised her children. She felt entitled to have me babysit her kids, she and her husband borrowed my car for months and never paid me for gas, borrowed money from me and never paid it back. She pitted my mother against me with lies. She once told me she only stayed in contact with our mother because she could get money from her and when our mother got old and needed care she wasn’t going to be the one to care for her. I would have to do it. (Even though she was the one who was close to her and my mother wouldn’t even give me $50 to tow my car in an emergency. She gave my sister $30,000.) When my mother became severely ill and had to be life-flighted to a hospital, I immediately went to her side to be with her. My narcissistic sister never bothered. She didn’t even call. She lived closer to the hospital than I did. Later my mother made excuses for her. When my other sister died, she didn’t go to her funeral because she was in a tiff with her for years. (She hates everyone.) My mother made excuses for her then, too. She has never been held accountable for her mean-spirited, hateful, selfish actions. She spreads horrible untrue rumors about people she dislikes. She taught her children to call intellectually disabled children “drug-affected retards” and to ridicule them. According to her, her children are “more beautiful than everyone else’s. Everyone thinks of their children as beautiful but ours really ARE more beautiful than everyone else’s!” She used our parents as her personal ATMs. Now that they have died, she is playing the grieving only daughter. She misses their money. When my parents were alive, she felt entitled to all of their money. My father bought her a $30,000 van, set up 4 college funds for her kids, paid for her kids to travel around the world, bought them cars, paid for their multiple extracurricular activities, parties in Vegas, etc. yet when she found out he gave me $5,000 she was dismayed and jealous! She felt entitled, as if I had taken something that was hers! I am no-contact with her now because of her emotional and verbal abuse. She acted like it was a favor that she “let me have” my half of my father’s assets, as if they were really hers. Blatant narcissism!

  23. So very sorry to hear about your health issue. Your story was almost the same as mine. And I too struggled with the forgiveness issue too. So knowing that I am a good person I chose to forgive myself for NOT being able to forgive my so called sister (only in name sake) for all the evil wrongdoings. I am trying no contact, but my deep love & respect for my triangulated mum will until her passing hamper the process.


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