Last Updated on August 15, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
What Is It Like To Have A Narcissistic Sibling?
I have written lots on what it is like to be a child, lover or work colleague of someone who has NPD, but what is it like being a sibling of a Narcissistic sister or Narcissistic brother?
Every behavior a narcissist commonly displays in the wider world: a need for attention, fragile ego, raging and manipulation, are all there but up close, loud and very personal.
During childhood, it is very difficult to escape the effects of a narcissistic sibling but as an adult some distance may be achieved,
but that comes at a price, a broken, disjointed family and difficult family gatherings.
How to Know if Your Sibling is a Narcissist?
Joe and Bob are now in their 70’s but Bob remembers with pain what it’s like to have an older narcissist brother. At every family gathering, Joe likes to hold court and when everyone has a drink in their hands he dominates the conversation tells the same stories over again.
How the young Robbie, as he was known in the family wet his trousers at school and the older Joe had to take him home; how he would have to communicate for Robbie who was a late talker and who had a speech impediment and how he and the rest of the family never thought he would ever marry, let alone have two lovely daughters one of whom became a doctor and the other a librarian.
Jo would never let anyone change the subject when he was “on a roll” and would completely ignore any attempt to but in until he had completely embarrassed his younger brother who was taller, better looking and smarter.
This ritual had been enacted many times over and will probably continue until one of them dies. Quiet by nature, Bob would never challenge his brother in such gatherings nor let on how much it hurt.
At home however he like to smile and tell the story of 7-year-old Joe, some two years older than, walking along the riverbank, boasting of how he could swim.
After several days of this Bob had had enough and pushed Joe in saying “Let’s see how you do it then !”Joe, who could not swim, nearly drowned and a neighbour heard his cries and pulled him out. Bob said the good hiding he got was worth it…
The 5 Signs Of a Narcissistic Sibling
The problem for a narcissist sibling is, that there is no escape and the sibling may never realize that the problems they have experienced in their lives are not of their own making but that of their sibling and possibly their parents too.
So what are the signs and characteristics that your sibling is a narcissist?
1. Jealousy
It is normal to want to share any success with your family. Passing an exam with a good grade, being picked for a team, orchestra or college production are all normal things to be proud of.
But if you are the sibling of a narcissist, you dare not share. Your sibling will rage against you, belittling your achievement in comparison to something of his own.
In some cases, the narcissistic sibling may even steal or damage any award but do it in such a sneaky way that their crime is undetectable to anyone but you.
2. They tell your parents (and anyone else) about every mistake you make
For example, if you were at the same school and your sibling noticed that you were reprimanded for bad behavior not serious enough for home contact,
the sibling would let parents know and even helpfully suggest an appropriate sanction.
Similarly, if you went about with undesirable people, kissed a girl, did anything embarrassing, your parents would find out and you would never be allowed to forget it.
In the same circumstances, you probably said nothing, or if you did, you would be labeled as a tale tell or petty. There would be no way of winning this battle.
3. They steal your friends or your girl/boyfriend
A narcissistic sibling would not be able to allow you to have independent friends or leave you alone when your friends called around.
In fact, an older narcissist would design the pretend game, cast himself in the lead role and makeup all the rules. In team sports, he or his team would have to win.
If the narcissistic sibling was older one of two things might happen.
Friends would either look up to him and perhaps swap allegiances or, more likely stop coming around because he cramped their style.
Parents may be manipulated to order you to include your brother or sister with your friends
In later years, your narcissistic brother/sister might try to steal your love interest.
This could be by playing a seemingly innocent gooseberry, just being around and joining in.
Or more malevolently, undermine you in their eyes and then do something noble to try to gain favour.
Once again, criticising a sibling for their seemingly innocent behaviour could seem churlish.
4. They are overly competitive
They will challenge you to feats to prove who is stronger, better or smarter, but only if they have a clear advantage.
For example, challenging you to a feat of physical endurance whilst you are recovering from a bout of lurgy. At another occasion, they might train furiously behind the scenes to ensure victory.
In a test of intelligence or ability, they will frankly cheat!
In terms of family love, they will out maneuver you at every turn.
Even if you are seriously ill, they will manage somehow to be needier than you, either via a competing illness or making your parent choose between you.
5. You have been their stooge or the but of their jokes
Like Joe and Bob, they will use every bit of knowledge they have, to make you look small.
Nothing will be kept private if it can earn the attention and feed their narcissistic supply.
Indeed, we have already established that a narcissist needs their supply – adulation, attention, compliments, devotion or even the fear of what they may do.
Siblings are a key source of narcissistic supply, during childhood at least. This is especially so if they are older than you.
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My sister fits the majority of the above categories.
It is weired, in that my whole family is geared towards normalizing her behaviour. I am (one of) the scapegoats, and tend to be seen as “guilty until (through near-miracle proportion strength) proven innocent”.
As I get older and have psychologically been able to get more free from them, I realize how unhealthy they are. And above all, how goddamned BITCHY.
I am just sick of it.
And I am sick of having such pressure from all of them for me to be upstanding, whilst they all band together and make excuses for their own AWFUL behaviours and attitutes.
And it fucks with your head: because they are a GROUP and they are one’s FAMILY.
I fucking hate them.
OMG it feels so good not being alone in this. My family are the same, and from an outside perspective they’re batshit crazy and enable one another. I also wondered why I was the only to develop anxieties about it, but it’s because they’re narcissists and sociopaths. My mother goes ape shit and threatens to kill me over the little things, and my brother convinces cold callers to kill themselves, he also cuts the Wi-Fi when he doesn’t get his own way.
I understand i am going through the same thing. My sister has abused me so many times and the rest of my family is pretty much dedicated to drinking and gossip so having me as the scapegoat is perfect for them. I have made the difficult decision to move on. I hope that you can move on in peace as well.
I wish you all the best in life.I too have had to finally walk away from a narcassistic sister and aunty …..the last of my family as I’ve lost my parents ….that means I’ve lost uncle cousins and brother in law too……as they are all totally manipulated by the two toxic relatives I had left.It is hard sometimes , I feel very alone , but then I have to remember I felt exactly the same …and continuously let down when they were in my life. take care
Just had my sister turn on me for supply now our parents have died. She’s trying to do me out of my half of the house proceeds by excluding me from the process. All our lives I’ve been her shoulder to down load on about all the “friends” she’s had issues with and who no longer speak to her. I didn’t click that this was narcissism at work until she turned on me. How naive was that? Although I remember about 10 years ago her describing her latest conquest and thinking there was a repeat pattern going on. I can’t think of anyone I’ve “fallen out with” until now but her list makes 2 sides of A4!!
Totally Agree. My sister has always taken pleasure in every setback of my life, which is many compared to hers. She started off successful but is so arrogant and was so used to bullying me (I had anxiety and severe allergies) that it didn’t work out with her husband as he ignores her or at work place as others are better than her. so she made it regular habit of visiting us… may be to fill up her tank of conceit by bullying me, she would come home laze around, talk confidently to my husband (who tolerated her for me as he always found her a fake and useless). She would correct me and ridicule me in front of her one child and my children. One day she secretly sent a lot of abusive texts saying she didn’t care if I was dead and she hated me and that I was lazy(she sent it to me by mistake:-I finally found out why my brotherinlaw was always a little rude around me-the reason I stopped visiting them as I felt unwelcomed). I had had enough after reading this text. I told her to leave my home and never visit me if she hated me so much. I stopped her calls. My mother-a widow who is eternally jealous of her married friends can’t stand up to my sister since she is more successful than me) I can’t fathom why my sister has always hated me, I had lot of health issues while growing up,my dad died when I was young, a time she utilized chatting with her boyfriend, she always had so much more than me, even now the house she sold made profit…. while I spend my weekends volunteering. I have decided never to be around toxic people. for me its internal healing to help others, but the pain and the hatred I have felt for myself is yet to heal.
I’m in same situation, sister is rude. She is younger yet believe I shall have our dad claim me as a dependent through the IRS which in that case I won’t qualify due to the fact I already filed my taxes! They (IRS) will not allow such action to be taken against me, my sister’s girlfriend is also a narcissist who tried to convince on the phone to get my dad to (who’s at work).. I hate being the monkey in the middle, yet I’m cool with being older then her, she can’t tell me what to do.
WE ARE NOT ALONE.
My brother used to ramp up the emotion in the room until my father got his belt. My brother is a monster and looking back on it, my father should have known better than to beat on his sons with a belt.
I appreciate the part where we see Bob is taller, smarter, and better looking. The more I outpaced my brother, the crueler he became.
Hang in there fellow survivors!
You hit the nail on the head. The more success you have the worse they get. It’s so sad but you have to diminish your value and voice if you ever want to be accepted or treated with a smidgen of kindness by them.
That’s typical. I struggled with thinking I had a big nose, thunder thighs, big bulgy forehead, flat feet, buck teeth, fat butt, thin hair, extreme vanity and insecurity, terrible social skills, was a prude, terminally self-conscious..all because she told me so. Only years later, recalling what else my sister said, and looking at our photos back then did I realize I was the one with small hands and feet, an hourglass figure and clear skin, blonde hair, straight white teeth, a forehead like Nicole Kidman’s, cupid’s bow lips, etc., etc. (I can say this now because those days are long past, and I never knew it when I had it!) She was cute, too, and I envied her athletic-but-curvy (rather than super-voluptuous) body, her thick shiny brown hair, etc. Like all teenagers, we wanted the opposite of what we had. Rather than just envy and be wistful, like normal kids do, she punished me severely for having those traits. She demeaned me every chance she got, telling humiliating stories like the article demonstrates, sharing secrets, mocking me in front of people, setting me up to look stupid so she could look noble and save me (but only in public), or get sympathy for having such a tagalong dork for a sister. She dated three of my exes, the last one in young adulthood, before we had even separated! She made a very public point of letting others know that each of the 3 loved her in a way they had never loved me, even taunting me once by saying that they were being sexually adventurous in the ways I wasn’t and that was part of the reason I was inferior and deserved to be dumped. She even did her best at those times to have me ostracized from every social circle where there was any overlap or in which she had any influence, so there would be no support for me or criticism of her behavior. And she still despises me for “turning the family against her” because I cried in front of one family member after coming home from a brief vacation to find my mate had shacked up with her and wasn’t coming back…Later in life, it was my accomplishments, my ability to earn a living, my education, my career in a trusted profession where I empathize with and confidently care for others. I could go on for days, but I have finally over the last couple of years realized she will never love me or care about me as I do her, and she will never be able to be truly, or purely, or lastingly glad for my successes and sad for my sorrows and disappointments. When she seems kind, it’s because we’re not getting personal, and she likes my brains and sense of humor, as long as I know who’s number one in all of those things. She will never really LIKE me, let alone love me in an accessible way! She’s still too angry I was born, and that I was a sickly kid and so our mother was forced to give me a little of the sparing attention she gave any of us, to keep me alive through various illnesses. I’m not sure of all of the reasons she was and is enraged that I exist, but I know what love she does feel only makes her want to keep me on standby, absorbing the pain and rage and psychological beatings. It’s why she is seemingly warm and personable at times, maybe is genuine ambivalent at times, has even a time or two tearfully said she would go to family therapy if I did (but didn’t mean it). It only stirs the hope so that I will be Hoovered in one more time. I have had to let go, am doing so now. It’s let go or I will die standing up for her and standing by her with no one to do the same for me. Not even close. And as one person said here, I have to remind myself I have had the loneliness and sorrow I fear all along, with rollercoaster hopes and crashes to keep me exhausted and confused and ashamed on TOP of the loneliness and sorrow. I have nothing to lose that I ever actually had, except false hope and guarantees of more punishment.
Much love and prayers I feel for you
I know all too well what you’re talking about. I’m that scapegoat and damn it, it’s a double edged sword. I’m always in the wrong, “unreasonable”, the punch line to most jokes”, the one who’s called “sensitive” when they’ve exploded over less than what I’m expected to just “get over it”, etc. I’m just miserable around them because I always strived to be the one they can trust and count on, but I’m the most disposable. Their time is filled with tearing eachother down behind one another’s backs and constant drama, but I’m the problem because I back off when I don’t want any part of it or when I don’t want to put up with it being done to me over and over. I can’t trust them and all I ever hear is “but they were just mad” when I’m upset at the things that have been said and done to me, like the constant belittling and backstabbing is no big deal. You’re right, it’s family but family shouldn’t do that to each other. I know I’m better off left to heal by cutting ties, but it hurts so much either way.
All of that rings so true for me, too! The “you’re too sensitive” bull$hit, the rages when they feel criticized, the constant double standard. I am in late middle age and am just now finally seeing the light. If you are reading this at a younger age, BELIEVE. Don’t waste your time waiting for proof; it will never be enough to prevent sorrow or confusion in saying goodbye! But also don’t delay because you feel sorry for them or guilty to be healthier/strong enough to do better. Trust your gut, which went through this torture with you and is fully aware of what you won’t yet listen to your brain and heart say.
You will have to find your own closure; they will never provide it. Take back your life before (like mine) over half of it is gone. Procrastination and denial won’t change the end of the story and won’t prevent the pain. Bite the bullet now and be brave–GO. It will leave so much more of your life still in front of you, to be lived in a healthy happy way…looking to the future instead of watching over your shoulder all the time.
I hear you. I’m a 38 year old guy and experience the exact same thing. My family put up a united front against me and rationalise each other’s terrible behaviour. It is tough it really is. Any opportunity to sabotage my life or happiness is pounced upon. Eventually you have to sever all ties and remove them completely and remind yourself daily that they are the crazy ones not you. It is damn painful but it’s the only way to survive. The alternative is to keep tolerating the abuse and go crazy. After my brother died I was the last rational person in my family. They moved away when I was a teenager as part of their ostracism towards me and now I am doing ok they are looking for a way back to me to continue their abuse. I don’t give them one. They did such a good job of cutting me out of their circle it gave me a new perspective seeing it from the outside. They are so toxic their lives are truly pathetic. My advice is leave them, run and never look back
That’s it. The only way. I don’t see either of my siblings and feel a great deal better for it. In fact I actually feel sorry for them as neither of them are well rounded people. I don’t even want to know what is going on in their lives because I realised they function on such a low level, and it would bring me down.
I ventured further than either of them and achieved more, but that is something I keep to myself. None of my children want to share their lives with either of them and the only time my oldest son went to visit my brother, he was locked out!!!! Can you believe it?? So pathetic.
As I was growing up, I suffered constant abuse from my brother. Both sexual and physical and bullying. It made me strong. No one gets the better of me now I am grown up. It also taught me to behave in the best possible way to everyone. It was a lesson well learned and well practiced, so in a way I am grateful that I was able to learn through experience!
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same toxic family here i totally agree with you 100%
when i get back on my feet i am going to run away fast and not look back and just live a calm healthy life with my wife and kids …
Such a relief to find this website. I am 58 and my sister is 6 years’ older. Always the golden child – me the scapegoat. I was even berated for having pushed my buggy into a relatives garden pond at the age of 3 and a half. No mention of what I was doing there on my own at such a young age.
My sister is 65 and after a stressful, horrible 5 days’ visit with her and her mockery, foul temper and histrionics I have finally had enough. I realise I need to emotionally protect myself and break off the relationship much like leaving an abusive lover.
My family is almost the same. We don’t have the guilty until proven innocent. I have a younger brother(Our narcissist) who verbally abuses me for even the slightest of mistake. Everything you said above is like my life. (except the things i said above) I got depression because of it. He LOVES to verbally abuse me and my aunt (Not by DNA).
Please. I hope you. Consider creating major distance from them. It is their problems, not you. Set yourself free of them and enjoy your life in peace.
Elisa, I feel your pain. I’m in my 40s now (as is my narc sister) and my entire life I’ve been told to swallow her bitchiness, her attention seeking, her strealing etc. due to the fact she’s “insecure”. I let things slide and now collectively as she was never made accountanable for her appalling actions we as a famult have created a monster. She’s currently exploiting our sick mother for money (and rubbing it in my face as she knows I am struggling), she married an older man for his house and pension and cheats on him and gloats about it, she slags off all of her friends. I don’t believe there’s a single person on this Earth she wouldn’t screw over in some way – especially for cash. So much is written about romantic relationships with narcs, but with a sibling we are forever linked, and it’s the people I love, like my parents, she’s screwing over – and then acting like the victim and triangulating with me and family members.
hi everyone,I have to get this out because I had a run in with my ns last nite.I was surprised that my heart did flip-flops when I saw her after about 4 months.Three different times I had to say good-bye to her because she made life unbearable for me.I tried all my life to get along with her but just impossible.She has all the signs that I have read.she is sooo jealous of people who do well.She always tries to bring up painful memories of our parents-both decessed.Or laughing at me as I go by from her window.(we live in small town and she lives in same complex as I do)Now I know for sure that it wasn’t me.thanks for this website.It helps believe me.Have a great day everyone.
Bless your heart, and I really mean that. Your story reminds me of my cruel aunt who was only seven years older than me. A horrible person in every respect. Peace to you…
I have been looking for an article like this for awhile. My older sister has had to be in control of everything and everyone. She can’t be not on stage. When we were adults living in the same town I told her I wasn’t going to play the siblings game where the oldest is the one who makes all the decisions. She didn’t talk to me for thee years. I developed clinical depression and anxiety later in life. She ignores that but when I had 2 books published none of my three sibling congraduated me or bought the book. The oldest sister got mad at me because Mom was showing it to everyone even if she was around, taking the attention away from her. She tells have truths where it looks like I’m the bad one. She moved back to the hometown and now has my other siblings not speaking to me. This is going on the third year.Mom knows what is going on with them but refuses to intervene. I moved away. It is now 2. Years since this silent treatment has started. I can’t be around them without having an attack because none of them talk to me or even acknowledge that am there. Last week was a BD party for one. I was in my room working and was not invited to join them for cake. Today everything started to fall in place and I called Mom to tell her I probably will never come back because the house isn’t a safe place for me. She blamed it all on FB and said I was posting things. I have never posting anything on it in reference to the oldest unless she send something first. I told mom I wasn’t friends with them on there and had blocked them. Mom was still trying to find ways to blame all this on me and I said goodbye and hung up. I should mention that in our twenties the older sister did nasty putdowns at me whenthe whole family was there and no one intervened. Seven years later she told me she was jealous because I had nice things and was skinny, -all of which I worked for. So I am going to try to put my life together without all of them. This weekend those that can will be going to my ex-stepdaughter’s wedding. They all have said I was rude to her and our bad relationship was my fault even though the daughter has a felony (I’m to blame for that,) has been in trouble with the law, doing drugs and having a party at my house where the guys were lined up to her bedroom. again, I am in a bad place. I told mom I’m not coming back for a long time, probably never. When my folks pass, I won’t go to the funerals because I have no idea what they will do then. Thinking back, in grade school I had straight As on my report card and Dad gave me $5. She didn’t have the straight As so she was trying to make it sound like there was a mistake. Last year mom said she got mad at mom because mom wouldn’t say she was the most favorite child. I don’t know if that was true but I did she her stomping out of the house and all the way to her own house. I put the oldest as a narcissist towards me. And then there’s my brother who will inherit the family business worth millions with no plans to share any of it with us girls. But my sisters don’t see anything wrong with this. My brother will sell the farm or rent it out once my folks pass as none of his kids want to take over. I have said enough.
What is so awful about this, and I share this with you, is that the entire family is under the spell of the narcissistic one and has no idea they are so deceived. I am the second of seven and we are now in our 60’s and 50’s and the narcissistic abuse has not been cranked up so high because I am not staying silent when someone insults me or I find they are gossiping about me behind my back.
Just to share a story or two…years ago my sister did not invite me to her daughter’s confirmation or the party/dinner afterwards although she lives a mile from me and my mother and my one sister were invited. I stopped by the house because my mother had a table for me to borrow in the trunk of her car and I was setting up for my own daughter’s first communion the next day. I didn’t realize the confirmation was at noon, thought it was later in the day and was unloading the table from my mom’s trunk when the sister came up to me all dressed up and asked me if I wanted to stop by later as their was food and the party was larger than she expected. I was in sweat pants and working hard for the next day so had no time and did not want to accept a late last minute guilt driven invitation and politely said no thank you. I told her I was busy setting up and I’d see her tomorrow at my party. She persisted on trying to encourage me to come back later and I continued to say thanks but no. Really, had I been invited with everyone else I would have arranged my day to attend. After repeated begging me to come, motivated only by the imagined questions she thought would be raised by her inlaws or others about why I was not there, I sighed, tried to escape and just go home. I was mortified at having arrived at her house as they were leaving for the church. I realized I shouldn’t be there and was just trying to get the heck out of there when she started her ‘kind’ invitation. I finally was annoyed and said, “You really should have invited me three months ago if you really wanted me here.” So, she burst into tears and ran into the house and told this story to other family members as though I had come over just to ruin my niece’s day and hers. Years later, my mother brought this up to me and said, “well you came to Katie’s confirmation just to ruin it for Carol.” This is classic gas lighting and triangulation. Creating a problem and projecting it onto me. This is just an example of the continuation of the narcissistic abuse I suffered as a teen and 20 something. She had constantly called me names, ridiculed me, refused to acknowledge me at our high school, walked past me in the halls like I was a stranger, all the while forming a best friend relationship with the younger sister I had been so close to in childhood and leaving me out of everything to the point where I wasn’t allowed to walk to school with them (and my mother allowed it, saying, ‘you’re different from them, go make friends of your own.’ So, the younger siblings also followed suit with the insults and social ostracizing of me and it continues to this day. I have the deepest sympathy for you in your family situation. Take comfort from the knowledge you have that by accident of birth you ended up in such a family and look to your friends who value you and love you for the connection and love your family is too broken to share with you. Also be glad you are sensitive enough now to others to never repeat this sort of abuse to another.
Really glad I found this article. The sad truth is my older, only sister is my worst enemy. She’s a nutjob who’s lost in her own little world. She treats me like garbage and only plays nice when she needs something. I’ve often been portrayed as the prettier, nicer “fair child”. Her jealousy issues are horrendous and she’ll stop at nothing to tarnish my reputation. I’ve been struggling for almost 30 years now…I was only 13 when she left me and my mother, who was ill at the time. She ran off to have a love child with her baby daddy even though I was still a child myself! When our mom got really ill, I spent 5 years of hell in “foster care” with this sister, thanks to Child Protective Services. The abuse drove me to suicide, I was uncomfortable in my own skin, and my nerves were fried. When our mom finally recovered, she continued being competitive, walking in my shadow as I got older and regained my self-worth. When I had my first child, she manipulated my mom into babysitting her children instead of assist me after my Maternity Leave. She caused a major fallout between me and our extended family by spreading lies and gossip about me. After a 2-year hiatus, she turned on the crocodile tears in order to “make amends” when I had my second child. Not long after that, she went back to her old ways again. Due to my own hardships, I’ve been walking in her shadow for the past 15 years. Now we’re at odds again after discovering, to my chagrin, that she’s stolen tens of thousands of dollars from me and my mom for the past 6 years! To add insult to the injury, I was subject to mockery and insults, to “justify” these ugly truths.
That is truly dreadful. Well done for even surviving.
My sister, short on grey matter and brilliant at sucking
‘The Best’ in her direction tried to execute my parent’s wills. Thinking everything was headed in her direction, she locked me out of their house, even though she lived 200 miles away, and I had been caring for first one of my parents and then the other. Thinking back, I just shake my head.
Are these people TOTALL unaware of their behaviour? Yes, I forget, they have lived their lives ‘me-ing’….and the ‘me’ bit takes over when there is so much to be had.
I don’t know if you would find this just crazy, but during that time, my father, having passed away, appeared one night to warn me that she was mishandling the will. Ill will or just plain stupid? I put it before my solicitor and he wrote to her explaining her problem. That terrified her, and I saw just how unable or disabled she really is.
There is a peaceful silence hanging in the air now.
Hi Steve,
I loved how you hit the nail on the head when you said
Any opportunity to sabotage my life or happiness is pounced upon
I would add that I am not even allowed, in their minds, basic comforts, like heating or air conditioning, internet or having a shower that creates steam in the bathroom, supposedly, I am evil for having basic needs, while they display wealth through cars, motorbikes, jewels, fur coats, and expensive holidays, domestic help…things I have never had in my life and I dont want except a basic car and sometimes domestic help because it all feels too much sometimes. I am starting to think this is where the tale of Cinderella originated from. Much love, Steve, from Cristina.
Hello everyone,
I can so relate about feeling like Cinderella. My father was the narcissist. (I believe 2 sisters are also). I was chosen to be the scapegoat, due to my sensitivity and red hair. LOL. No one else had red hair, so I was always the post man’s or mail man’s daughter. I was quiet and did not talk back. This complex grew into a serious personality disorder. It allowed other people, and men I dated to treat me the same way. I was a magnet for mistreatment, until I realized, my role in this crazy life. I felt like I did not deserve anything, and my family handed me crumbs. Until you choose to love yourself, and see your worth, your life will keep manifesting a living hell.
I am finally learning to love myself. God bless all of you!
And by the way, what stopped it, was when I had children of my own. The same patterns I experienced, were now being bestowed upon my children. My family were handing my children crumbs! I believe that I got away in time so my children now flourish, and they do not have a relationship with my family. It is so sad, but necessary.
Janet
Hi Susan,
Hope you won’t mind my responding to your very relatable comments regarding nSiblings. Thank you, I couldn’t sleep I found your comments and appreciate having someone to write to just to clear my mind. New puppy is keeping us awake too! That with too much yard work, and menopause! Lol! Everything you said rings…..so true…. unfortunately the kinds of crazy are exactly like my crazy sisters and dad and brothers and relatives in my family. Trouble is that is finally realising you and I aren’t aren’t crazy, just the victims of their bs and lies and manipulati9ns. They aren’t normal…. they have artwork personalities…. the one that is nuts and crazy fights to keep alive by feeding on the fuel they have to get to survive. It causes the cognitive dissonance…. in their victims. CDissonance I learned is toxic. They create in us anxious, confused, unsettled, disturbed feelings and thoughts because we don’t think like they do. Truthfully, their sick mental games they play wreck our mind. The thing I have finally finally realised….is they do not deserve any more of my time, or my fuel as energy. I need to …no better…. I must stop engaging them. I need to stop communicating with them totally. Let them leave messages…press delete say a prayer for them….let them all go! Live my life without them they bring NO JOY! I must stop thinking this time…they will be better. It is never better. They reel me in again and I let trust in and guard down….bam BAM BAM! I am no longer willing. I discovered but am just learning to di finally after 30 years trying to accept the fact they will never change. It’s awful. I am 59 and struggled with being loved and accepted. I don’t want to hang onto them anymore because it’s bad for me, bad for my marriage and they like that.
My older brother fits this to a T. All my life he has never been the protective older brother I could confide in or go to advice for, or even just be a friend too. He’s always been very competitive with me ever since I could remember and would tattle tale on me to our mother for minor trivial things when we were kids. I blame my mother for not only the way he has turned out, but for the way he has always been, even since childhood. My mom is very narcissistic herself and I would guess she is either a borderline or has full blown narcissistic personality disorder. He has alway sheen her golden child. Now as an adult my brother has two young children that I am an aunt too. Unfortunately having a relationship with my niece and nephew has been next to impossible unless I put in all of the effort and then some. It is only met with criticism by my brother whom doesn’t get the fact that I put effort into seeing my niece and nephew because of them, not because of him. Even then it has become very hard and I have to be nice and ignore my brothers criticizing comments, trouble making, back stabbing and drama just in order to be their aunt. Weekly I have driven over an hour and a half each way to see my niece and nephew in order to spend time with them. My brother has never once been to my house my entire adult life. If I am 5 minutes late he will whine. If I am 5 minutes early he will make me wait to see my niece and nephew and say they are upstairs playing and cant come down until the correct time scheduled. He has never once called me to chat on the phone unless he needs something concerning our mother. Our family holidays have become a dreaded exhibit that seem to be a pathetic display of whom spends the most money and a competition of whom has the best job, the most money, nicest house, etc. There is a lot of backstabbing and bad talk that goes on afterward that I do not care to partake in. Sadly my brother is someone who is very hard to connect with. It is almost like there is something missing when you talk to him. He is married and him and his wife have a rocky relationship and a lot of debt which is no surprise. He has no real friends. Also its almost as if anything you say to him will be held against you in the court of law. You can say “The sky is blue” or “The weather is nice today” and he will laugh at you and mock you behind your back and lie and say you said “The sky is dreary” or “The weather sucks”. He is one odd dude and I am sad for him and his wife and kids as I could only imagine what being around that dysfunction is like 24/7 as I’ve lived it and thankfully I am not around it anymore other than once weekly in order to see my niece and nephew. His wife who suffered form shyness and social anxiety confided in my a couple of times how my brother has mocked her weight and looks and how unhappy she is. I try not to get involved as I dont want to be the bad guy. Its just a sad situation all around and I blame my mother for creating it.
MaryB
Two sisters who are both narcissistic. They learned this well from both parents. “Golden child” sister is hysterically funny, as she believes herself to be “shy”. She’s one of the most aggressive people I’ve every known. When I wanted to share that I was getting upper mouth implants after having good but crooked teeth, her reply was “Are they all decayed?” She knew they weren’t. She then proceeded to tell me I’d have to be hospitalized for this procedure (like she ever worked in the medical industry). When I told her the procedure is done in a sterile clinic in one day, she, God’s truth, proceeded to tell me I should be hospitalized “As least overnight.” Same sister told me only “two cents on the dollar” goes to the animals when I give my donation every month. Really? How much of her holier than thou money goes to the defense of pedophile priests in the Catholic Church? Haven’t talked to her in six months, won’t answer the calls, done.
The other sister, who also despises the above sister, probably because they’re so much alike, is 80 years old and in dementia (at least memory wise). I was trying to thank her for taking me to a movie when I was a teenager and she denied this was ever done. Denial, lying, know-it-alls, ew, they both make me sick. Unfortunately, or fortunately sometimes, they’re the only close relatives I have left. Thanks for the opportunity to vent.
I come from a completely narcissistic family–two sisters (who are still alive), a brother, and parents. As the youngest of four siblings, it took me decades to realize these people had no regard for me. The last straw was my sister, who is six years older, asking me if my teeth were decayed because I stupidly tried to share that I was finally having implants. That was it! I ran the other way and have not spoken to her in over six months. Won’t even get started on the other sister, who suffers from dementia, borderline personality (I believe), and narcissism. What a treat she is! Even her own children ran for their lives when they turned 18. As the previous comment says, these two are the only close relatives I have left; however, I’ll just turn away and be much happier without having insults, non-supportive behaviors, and condescension leveled at me. Must be nice to think you’re so much better than others. Believe it or not, they call themselves Christians.
MY HEART, THOUGHTS, PRAYERS ARE WITH YOUUUUU.
My brother never forgave my father for coming home from WWII and took it out on me all the time. I was a girl, and he could be charming, especially when others were looking. He banged my head against the wall and made it bleed several times. When my parents announced the upcoming birth of another baby, he started sodomizing whenever my parents when out and put me in his care.
I never told – at least not for years because I did not want to break my parents’ hearts. Even after we grew up, he would charm me and use me. I forgave too many times. When he became unable to work, he called me and said he was going to die if he didn’t get disability. Guess who told him to come to me and then supported him until he got his disability and then even gave him the money to go and see his son graduate from College. I never got a thank you. The last time I saw him, he said goodbye to my sister (another narcissist) and a friend of mine and never even looked at me as he got into his car and drove away.
It took me years to say anything about what he had done to me and of course, no one believed me for a long time. Some thought less of me for speaking out. They just refused to see me. Right before he died, he called me and said he wished we could have been closer, like it was my fault. I vomited out what I thought about that, saying that he was a cretin and if I was not close to him it was because i considered him a vampire and a monster. Poor poor martyr he was! Hah!
After all that happened, gee, I collapsed and became disabled. I have fought back and am growing healthier and happier. It has been a journey and has taken courage and honestly. I still forgive too easily, but I am learning. It is a difficult thing to be generous-hearted, for too many people will eat you alive.
I have just FINALLY FIGURED OUT that my sister is also a narcissist, that sabotaged my relationship with the man I loved and thought that my role in life was to listen to the suffering she has had by people that she did not seem to think had any rights. No one has any rights but her. Boy, is she wrong! I have “divorced” her from my life.
I am 70 but invincible. I have survived and learned not to give myself away and to love myself as I deserve to be loved. The only problems I have had with confidence only showed through when I was effected by THEM. I am free and fearless. I was always a fearless woman, but now I am just so damn proud of myself for how healthy I am in body and soul. It has been a battle, but I am a warrior, not a worrier! Don’t let those bad, sick vampires win!
My brother whom I just met plus a father . I met them 3 months ago my brother encouraged me to meet my dad. Everything went well now all of a sudden my brother has stopped talking to me. And I don’t even know why and it really hurts. Here’s the kicker he has some influence over my dad. During the first stages of brother ignoring me my dad talked to me on the phone.
Now my dad won’t talk to me I tried a few times no answer. Makes me feel like my dad’s heart wasn’t even in it for me. So I’m being excluded from them and don’t know why.
They are jealous of you. It’s simple and very basic. They clearly function at a low level. If they were emotionally intelligent and, or aware of their behaviour, they might choose to act in a compassionate way there by raising themselves into adulthood!!
Let me add that this has happened during the holidays..I called my dad on Christmas and no answer. Nothing to do now but just I have to stop reaching out to them. I’m not getting a response back and don’t know why. Even if my brother did one day reach out I don’t think I could forget what he done. It’s hurtful cause one day he said he was happy to call me his sister to not talking to me.
I thought i was reading my own story when i read yours. 100%
Now 60, I recently experienced an epiphany regarding my 58 yr old brother. For decades all the signs were there, I just never made the connection- thinking this is just who he is and I have to tolerate it because he’s my brother and I love him. The grandiosity, the insufferable self referencing, the verbal jabs, the patronizing, the utter lack of genuine interest in my life (except to get any dirt so as to further demean me, my wife, and children), etc. etc. For some reason, one day it dawned on me. After every interaction with the guy, I come away feeling like shit! So I did a little more research. And it hit me: my “devoted church goer” college educated Social Worker brother is a full NPD narcissist…and I am his supplier!! Suddenly I had clarity. I made a decision to end this for my own health. I went no contact about 5 weeks ago. Blocked his number, etc. Result thus far: I’m actually shocked at how much better I feel (about EVERYTHING) consistently on a day to day basis. Is he flummoxed on his end? Oh Probably. But let him figure it out. Or find a new supplier. I can no longer provide what he needs. Nor will I. And I just feel BETTER!!!
OMG, good for you Alan! What an awakening and enlightenment! You deserve it! May the universe bless you…
My sister is 9 years old than me she’s narcistic she’s always one better have to hear about her latest triumphs no matter what subject. She said she was suffering from stress etc felt sorry for her invited her to my daughter’s . She’s now taken my daughter from me she tried to take my son who had mental health probs. He committed suicide I suffered severe PTSD all she kept on about was her supposed breakdown. She even took my dead sons duvet cover for the dog. It was her birthday my daughter asked her to dinner told me there wasn’t enough room in the car for me. My daughter think she’s wonderful .infact my sister’s nasty talks about our other sister and anyone else behind their back nice to their face. Until my daughter sees the real her I have lost her . I am distancing myself from both. I have to go in hospital I don’t want either of them helping me as the price is too high I would never hear the last of it.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I, too am the scapegoat of a NPD older sister.
I have been subjected to being publicly embarrassed and to my then boyfriend (now husband of 20+ years).
I was always at the end of the constant dinner table jokes – it was always about a boyfriend I had when I was 15 before my husband, this was a DV relationship that my family should have protected me, not taunt me about years later.
The worst experience was on my wedding day, where my sister decided to do a speech. This was without my knowledge or consent. She went on to embarrass me in front of friends and family. Our friends and in-laws were very upset by her comments. When I took my dad to task about this, he thought it was a nice speech.
My mum is no better, my dad goes along with their behaviour for a quiet life.
My children have always been an after thought like me when it comes to my parents. Whereas my niece is treated very differently, she’s showing all the signs of following her mothers footsteps.
Thankfully I have a husband that supports me, and encourages me to walk away from there grasp. I’m done with feeling like an after thought, a scapegoat and the everything between.
Thank you for giving me the confidence to continue my life without their sh*t.
I’m sad to “hear” all of these stories.
I see a pattern of people like me, who are sensitive and caring. And agitated and defensive. And just really not able to care like they should be able to. Someone spearheaded it, and they had to watch.
For me this is not isolated. Mom was not the most intuitive.
Older brother was always – from age 6 – I was 4 and a half… I remember things being narc. and the role struggle back then.
He would tell me to make us some food “latch key kids” or I couldn’t eat.
Pretty classic narcissistic stuff.
Guy makes PEOPLE do things because he is incapable of doing it himself: as early as 8 years old…
I remember lashing out at him as he was trying to screw with me at 11 years old. I was curling my hair. Again. No mom around.
I went ballistic. My sweet baby brother was so afraid and said: “Jenny, no!” as I threatened to burn my older brother with the curling iron if he didn’t stop whatever he was doing.
That’s pretty much the rest of the story.
People can’t see or believe trauma. They just see what they want… so my older brother told me.
He said it’s like this… “people just want to have fun. You can be the smartest or the prettiest girl in high school. It’s up to you.”
This was the only compliment he ever gave me… and yet I loved him and thought we had a good relationship. Trust me. He spent little time, in our 20′ and 30’s being a complete back-stabbing – ungrateful…
remember…
narcissist rely on their brainwashing to get ahead on top of other ppeople’s backs… Guess who was doing well and gave HIM 3 career opportunities in his times of being lost and broke. Yes.
Me. this person who went out and lived. Badass sister. out of the house and rocked it…
I think that people like me, we are sensitive. We are curious about how things work, and we make the world go around in a different way then people like my brother who need people like me to actually make sense and understand the world.
He really f-d me and convinced my brothers that I was a manipulative whore!
smart. Attack my character and swoop up what I had confided to him… what hurt me was the role betrayals in life.
He set meupto act and feel crazy and mostly to be alone.
He chose this.
My siblings didn’t choose it, but he has sway over them, and if they stayed strong for me… he went for their wives.
Not my Choice.
I have to stop loving. It’s not mental illness – it’s grief and anger God-damn it.
Sorry God. You get it.
Me and My father where like a nail and dirt always had my back !
but after he passed away my oldest brother kicked me and my family out of my moms house .
i am living on welfare do to the fact that i went on welfare do to having a seizure driver license taken away from dmv all my siblings have homes i am broke get treated like a worthless piece of shit no one cares about me going down only my wife and 3 kids
my brother is rich has home in Anahiem hills California my 4 sisters have his back 100% they don’t like me or want me AROUND even at family gatherings i am not invited .
i just wish i can get my driver license back to to go back to work to move away forever from this stupid nonsense family that only cares about money
my little girl had lots of stress my youngest son was born with autism witch they don’t even care or give me a little heads up thank god my oldest 21 year old son is a computer Programmer and makes good money and helps me out when needed….
i have read all the Comments here on this website and i sure hope God is looking at all this and gets all of you people and myself out from this fucked up struggling situation we all are living God Bless all of of You and Much Respect to this this WEBSITE and I Love All of You for posting and i will pray hard for all of you to get out of of these fucked up hard times we are living ….
Yes, it is hard to let go. I understand.
I have so much relief in knowing there is someone out there that I can relate to. I often have feelings of guilt like I did something wrong. Or that things are my fault… like I had something to do with who my siblings are as people.
My parents were the 2nd to youngest in each respective family of 8 and 9. Both grew up with little money. They meet, and have 3 children 4 years into their marriage.
My mother recently passed away and my mother and I are the most alike. She was a very simple (in the best way) loving, joyful person! She was sweet and sensitive as a person. Very stoic.
My father was very emotionally neglectful and sometimes emotionally abusive. He provided for us, took us on vacations, and even bought us cars. I give him some leeway due to he not having a father figure to learn from. Grandad was a decorated WWII veteran that just up and left his wife and children one day. Dad was also picked on as a kid.
My two older siblings never really included me in much growing up. I kind of did my own thing off to the side, very passive. We also grew up with little. My sister had self esteem issues dropped out of HS and started doing hard drugs. In and out of prison and rehabs. She’s stolen from and manipulated the family. She got out of prison and then goes back to her old ways. Disappears for a week and then my mother passes. My sister has her own issues but does not have NPD.
Being the youngest I suffered little abuse from my sister. It was my brother who was a very angry as child that has NPD. I believe he suffered from some sort of abuse as a child. Whether it be neglect or something physical. However, this does not justify his actions as an adult who’s in control of themselves.
I was antagonized and made fun of by my brother most of my childhood. He would antagonize until he got a reaction and then would beat me up. He would say the meanest or the cruelest things he could think of and if I reacted I was the problem. He often down plays his actions. Such as “Dad kicking down my door because I smoked a little pot.” When in fact he sold hard drugs and abused hard drugs in high school. I was also subjugated to this lifestyle but I took a different rout in life. My dad tried to straighten him up the best he could only to be met with violence by my brother. My dad now bends to his will in fear of violence as an adult.
My parents always talked about me and was excited to see me. My brother would always try to ruin anytime I had with them. If I had a goal, he would always assume or hope I’d fail. Most of my life I was passive towards him and even would reach out and apologize for things I’ve done that hurt him. My mother always wanted us to keep “trying” as a family but my brothers abuse wouldn’t even let that happen. Once he smashed bottles of whine out of jealousy that my mother was very excited to see me after being gone for a couple years. Said a bunch of cruel things. After that charade I told him that I didn’t care about any of that stuff of being the favorite and that I loved him and still emotional abuse occurred. I was fired from a job because of him and he even half assed admitted it on a couple of occasions.
So I stopped all together. I stopped communicating, again. The first time was after he got me fired. The second time it was after he hoped me and others related failed at our new endeavors. He is extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative. Some times violent.
After my mothers death he tried to take away from her an I’s relationship. He tried to do it before she died as well. I could hear my brother through my mother she spoke and it disturbed me. I feel as if all the emotional abuse caused by him is also part of the reason my mother passed away.
Wow, thank you for sharing your story Kevin. Going no-contact is going into the right direction. But you don’t have to do this all alone, find someone (a professional) you can talk to so you can heal from what has happened to you.
I hear you. Don’t let them win, ‘Hate’ is what they want to instill, to stuck the “joy’ out of your soul. They are all ‘demonically’ possessed. Go DEEP:
Don’t Engage,
Don’t Explain,
Don’t take anything they say Personally,
talk to them like they are strangers on the street,
and, any contact or conversation…make it BRIEF, and,
without any expression ‘go Greyrock’.
good luck I know how you feel, I have a mom, dad, two sisters, and a brother, oh and not to mention nephews’ all narcs. uuuuggghhh!
wow, It’s amazing how many of us are out here. my sister was the youngest, a what I thought was a spoiled baby. she had to have her way in everything, there has been SO much jealousy all my life. she has made my life miserable for 64 years. I am always in the wrong and she makes sure everyone knows. every family reunion contains at least an hour of her telling about all the wrongs I’ve done her. most not true. i have spent all these years apologizing for all kinds of crazy things she accuses me of. last year she said I’m not your sister any more! because of one of these imagined slight or evil I have done to her. my response was “good riddance” we haven’t spoken in a year. it bothers me, but I have been emotionally healthier. God bless us all.
Like many others out there, it wasn’t until I was about 60 that I started understanding the family dynamics in a house controlled by a Narcissistic mother.
Sadly, I believe that she had a hand in my father’s death many years ago – something that I did not want to acknowledge at the time. Her greatest accomplishment in life was that she managed to turn us siblings against each other. I got screwed by a Narc brother, but I believed it was baked in the cake from day 1 for one of the brothers to carry out the bitch’s hatred toward me. It would have been an older golden brother, but he ended up dying in a mental hospital. Any photographs from my childhood (and they weren’t the kind that loving parents might take) were all whisked away out of state to the golden brother’s shack. It’s kind of weird – like I didn’t ever exist. So my family is deprived of knowing about my childhood. I only wish I could totally forget these people.
Both of my sisters are narcissistic sociopaths. I grew up with their constant gaslighting, abuse, stealing from me, lying, manipulating our mother into believing I was the bad one. I was the scapegoat. They loved it whenever anything bad happened to me. They used to laugh hysterically when I got hurt. Anytime I did anything wrong, they ran to our parents to tell them to make sure I got in trouble. I’ve gone no contact with them for several years. I need my sanity, away from their nastiness and hatred