This article is written by a dear friend of mine
A year has passed since I ended a relationship with a narcissistic man.
I am removed from the relationship now but my heart has not healed.
I can go several days in a row without thinking about it. I can still clearly remember when it seemed impossible to get through even a minute without thinking about it.
During the first few weeks I had to train myself to not think about him or his betrayal for five minutes, then 10 minutes, then an hour at a time.
It took a long time to get to this point and it has taken its toll on my spirit. I remember that time as a traumatic event in my life from which I am still recovering.
The term ‘soul damage’ repeatedly comes to mind when I think about it.
A blogger wrote (Phoenix Rising website, 2013) that she had come to realize, years later but still in pain,
that the experience had made her aware of things within herself which she had lost due to her relationship with a narcissist.
She listed all the things which she had possessed prior to their relationship.
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Two and a half years later, she had partially recovered some of these things and others she was still working on.
She felt some were gone for good and didn’t know how to get them back.
When I read the list, I realized that I could have written that list and it broke my heart all over again:
Things I lost When I was Dating a Narcissist
Self Esteem
Faith in Life
Sense of Direction
Hope for the Future
Belief in Love
Belief in my worthiness
Belief in my dreams
Faith in my Intuition
Faith in myself
Ability to Trust Intimately
Sense of Worth
Beauty
Youth
Health Physique
Sense of Personal Power
Belief that I was special
Belief in my Sexuality
Faith in following my heart
Sobriety
Peace of Mind.
Belief in soul mates
The magical feeling that my life had come full circle
Belief in sexual partnership/sexual union between two people as being meaningful
Sense of self
Feelings of magic and wonder in the world
Sense of having my feet solidly on the ground
Faith in myself to make the right decisions
Things I ask Myself After Dating the Narcissist
I still don’t totally “get it”. Intellectually, I understand (now that I have read so much on narcissism), but my heart and soul are broken and they have yet to understand.
I mean, WHY would a man fall madly in love with me and shower me with affection and attention—then suddenly—without warning or reason, turn ice cold, push me away, go silent, and ignore me?
How could he switch from Prince Charming in public to a mean, vicious, cold, and silent person in private?
He always said I was the only woman he ever wanted or would ever want; he said we were soul mates.
When I first met him, it was amazing. He was attractive, charming and sexy.
He was too good to be true (a major Red Flag that I missed). Life and our relationship couldn’t be more perfect.
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As he showed more and more of this other side in private, I tried desperately to get him to open up and tell me what was wrong.
Was it me? What was I doing to deserve such behavior? The more I questioned him and the closer I tried to get to him, the further he pushed me away and the colder he got.
He started blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life- even things that he did.
Then the real abuse began; he belittled, criticized, and condemned everything I did but also started getting physically aggressive with me. He never apologized; he said that I made him act that way.
It was my fault. It was always my fault. I walked on eggshells, never knowing when I would get blamed and when or why he would fly into a rage.
I couldn’t take it anymore and finally got the courage to leave him. After torturous weeks of silence, he finally called.
He acted as if nothing was wrong and pretended that nothing ever happened. He returned to his old self: sweet, loving, and caring. He begged me to come back, and I did.
Everything was perfect again. The sex was out of this world. Again he made me feel special, cherished, and adored; he put me on a pedestal and said no other woman could ever compare.
Then it started happening again. He was cold and distant. He was mean. He played the silent card and showed no interest in my life or being in it.
He told me he needed space and seriously questioned whether we were right for each other.
I found out he was back in contact with the woman he had been seeing when I left him…or had he ever stopped seeing her?
I was confused, depressed, heartbroken and in pain. I left.
Repeat the cycle– several times.
How it Ended
I finally realized he was never going to change. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.
I was tired of all the abuse, tired of the constant state of confusion, tired of the constant depression and finally-
I was tired of all the wondering and questioning myself over and over. I wanted my old self back.
Eventually, I accepted that he could not love me or anybody other than himself.
I NEEDED TO CHANGE unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life in an abusive relationship.
I needed to get away from him and the toxic relationship. I packed my suitcase and tucked my broken heart inside it.
“Remember — you win this one by accepting defeat. In this contest, the only way to lose is to keep playing.
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I so can identify with all the above. It has been three years now since the relationship brutally ended , thrown away like trash and I can say I’m sortof recovered. He married a woman I work with, they met online shortly after our relationship ended!( I believe he already had her scoped out). Talk about a knife in your heart, I had to watch their whole “beautiful” relationship blossom and hear how awful I was …awful stuff. It has taken alot of tears and counciling and many prayers to get myself back again. Of course I think of all the things I could have possibly done wrong and shes done right! UGH !!
They do leave their mark and it sickens me to watch how he’s weaseled his way into my work environment and become friendly with all the people I work with and know. Mr. Charmer!
Live and learn, trust your gut. How many times have we heard ” when its to good to be true”!!
I could have written that myself. 18 months it has been for me. He already had someone lined up and they are weasling back into my life, both work and friends. Unfortunately we have a child together which makes it even harder to move on. Very cruel behaviour and everything is my fault and I need to “grow into a good person. I m doing this for your own good.”
I cannot believe the cruel things he has done after spending years telling me I was everything he ever wanted and that we were soulmates. Everything about me was used against me as justification for him having an affair.
Am still recovering.
Now, I pay more attention to red flags! Yes, live and learn
thank you for sharing this. I have a very similar experience, where I finally ended the relationship. now I feel regret and wondered if things would have been different if I came back, and reading your experience helps me to accept that things would not have changed. all the best to you. there are great books on working of your self esteem, do the things you used to love and it will come back.
I just cried reading this, I know how it all feels, I’ve spent a year so far living it every single day. My husband is a cold-hearted, emotionless robot of a narcissist (unless he’s in public). I used to be is world, now I’m just an after thought if he’s bored. I know there’s NOTHING of the man I fell for left inside of him, but my love for him still hinders my healing. He calls, and a I (begrudgingly) still go running. Then he’s gone again. If we didn’t have kids together this would’ve so much easier for me to atleast try to move on.
I just finished reading this and it broke my heart as well. This past weekend was the end of cycle 5 (i think we are on) from a 2-1/2 year relationship.
It scares me to logically know that this man is no good for me…. but yet i crave and yearn for him at times.
While my guy doesnt go into rages or insult me, he does a great job and witholding affection, praise, sex and pretty much anything that would make me happy. When its my bday, there is no “celebration”, not a card only a simple text saying: Happy Birthday. This year, he claimed to not even have known it was my bday but once having found out again– just a simple text saying: Oh wow, i completely forgot…Happy Birthday. Not a phone call, not a: I will make it up to you….but that was it. And this is from someone who i spend a large amount of time with, speak every day on the phone with for HOURS (mostly hearing him talk).
For the most part I feel like this post… like i am nothing. No matter how caring, understanding, patient, sweet, and no matter how much i give…there is no reciprication. In fact its almost like i would get farther being a complete ice cold un-interested woman rather than someone who loves him.
It is all so backwards to me and i am still trying to make sense of it all.
I do have a question though: would the above fall in line with narcissism? He seems to be a great father always being there for his son (almost obsessively) and telling him he loves him etc. So at times i think… well the capability is there but it just seems that he DELIBERATELY neglects me from having any love, affection, sex you name it!! While he will cuddle with his son and play games sometimes i feel like im not even in the room or as if i dont even exist. Or is he just putting on a show for his son as well? So that his son can think the world of him and adore him and make him out to be “the greatest dad in the world”. Because not for anything…..this seems to be his #1 thing he loves to hear. (not that any other parent wouldnt) but that is why i am asking.
Thank you for anyone who can help!
Hey, I know how you feel for sure. It sounds like you totally have this person summed up well. He sounds exactly like my ex Narc (no contact currently 6 months). I think you does love his son but also he sees him as an extension of himself and therefore the son will be ‘perfect’ and will do no wrong. However, you will take the blame for everything and he will decide when if and how to show you any love or affection because by doing this it is him being creator of either your happiness, sadness or any other emotion. Really, as long as it’s him pulling your strings and making you feel whatever you feel that’s the narcissistic supply he feeds off and all that he requires to empower his false self and sense of importance. I went through what you are going through over the course of 6 long and torturous years being told what I wear was not right, my hair not right, my job not good enough, telling my families’ faults, my parenting was not good enough, how I should deal with the ex husband father of my two sons (we get on just fine), how to behave when we
were out and the list goes on! However, if I ever said even half of this to him it be world war 3!! Rage, storming out and then all my belongings dumped on my driveway for all to see (the things I kept at his house for when I stayed there). Time and time again he did this. I knew it was not normal behaviour for a man in his fifties! Friends and family begged me to leave! There was even one time when he became physically assaultive and very intimidating but he decided to lie to himself that this event ever happened!! When a relationship has ended it’s very hard to deal with but when it’s with a Narc it’s even harder! Please try to keep strong and know that you are not to blame and what he is doing is totally on purpose and he is liking the fact that he’s making you feel insecure and left out. They are master manipulators! When your boyfriend’s son tells him he’s the best dad ever imagine the amount of N supply he will feel so yes I think it’s still all about him doing it for this reason. My ex N was also a very obsessive father and guess what? His kids never did anything wrong it was always their friends or someone else making them do things. I send you love and hope for your future.
So, I guess Im new here. Just started the process of divorcing my narc wife (soon-to-be-ex) A lot of these experiences hit close to home. I was told what to do, that nothing I did was good enough or wrong. I didn’t do certain things enough. Bottom line I was doing things wrong always. (I would get kudos for cleaning the bathroom, but that’s it) My wife threatened to cheat on me if I wasn’t in the mood for sex. I was at fault cause we couldn’t have kids naturally. So in September of 13, I left. I wanted her to get counseling before I’d even consider coming home. Well to this day, Im blamed for leaving. I got no apoligies for her verbal/narc abuse over the years and she’s screwing someone else. Even before we seperated, she asked me not to see anyone and I agreed. I asked of her the same. When I brought this to her attention, she denies even saying it. I guess what I feel most is betrayal. The fact I feel that she didn’t even love me. The fact she could throw me away like a piece of trash after 10 years. Oh well, her loss. Someone else’s gain. Thanks for listening people. I hope everyone hear can find the utmost happiness soon.
I was with my husband for forty years I don’t know how I did it. I loved him totally, but he said I think you’ve found your feet so we are no longer wanting the same thing just because I learnt to like different things and have free time with my friends and family which he didnt want to do ,he left and drove off to spain. I’m just going through the grieving process hurts like hell.
I thought I was over my narc ex, then he appeared in my life again and so the vicious cycle starts again. I no longer get angry, I get incredibly sad and cannot function for days. I have blocked him in the past and may have to. Wish I could have had an amicable break-up so I could be there for him if ever he needed me, but that crosses all my boundaries, found out in the process that I am a codependent. His drug addiction and theft was the last straw for me. This post really helped me to face things as they are not as I wish them to be.
I decided to jump on the web I keep looking for answers that I believe I know ,
But its just a little confusing after almost a year in a half its the past 8 months that have been something else . I get called insecure jelouse and called the liar when he pulls a stunt for instints I know im a loving caring giving person there are only three things I ask please dont direspect me dont put another women before me and dont disrespect my intteligence with a lie especially when.I.know the truth playing me like a fool because its happen more than once if im letting use the car theres times were going in the same direction and not even thinking anything ill say lets just go together when I relized either he made it seem he didnt have to go at that min or a attitude appeared it was because he was going to a female which it wasnt to go sleep with I know it was buissness and thats my point I told him I wouldnt get upset . But after the confertation and him knowing Ive confronted what his motive were I told him I know you got a attitude because you didnt want me to go I told him its not who and what girls he talks to its how he goes about it .before I keep babling. When your knowing a changeits like I notice something and it dont take a scentist to notice over doing something and ill say something like a friend I that is not allowed over all of a sudden.he wants to ride to mcdonlds I ask him whats your motive who are you meeting which I knew that was what he wasv doing to me thats sneaky lying and yet adter finding out thats exactly what happen I see the conversation on a text and so now I tell him exactly what I know and yet he will not accept I just told him exactly the truth .of his lie and I.am called the insecure liar assumer and this is repeated situation everyday how could someone continue to.do this and they already know your hip to there bs and still wanna do this
Well I meet what I taught was my soul mate! Turns out he’s a narc to the fullest extent ended up leaving me high and dry without a simple explanation of why I got discarded! He ended up having a baby with the very person he would cry on my shoulder about time and time again! I actually got dumped in a text message. I was told to simply loose his number he had a family now! Wow anyway what lead up to this is far and beyond anything I can comprehend. To try and make things easier for me I told him to block my number. Just so that if I had the urge to call or text he would never receive it. Of course he refuses to do so not bc he wants to hear from me but bc it gives him pleasure to no that I’m still hurting.I still contact this cold hearted bastard it’s not even to be with him or to brake his family it’s simply to get an I’m sorry or something trust me that will never happen with these people and I painfully no this. To make a long story short he started pretending to be anthor person but yet was asking me for my address in the text! He Basicslly wants to be able to have his family and I guess pop up at my new apt and abuse me at his will! The last time I contacted him he again pretended to be anthor person so I told him I no it’s you but I will not be bothering you again. He answered with a cold K in the text meaning ok. So with that I don’t bother him anymore it’s hard bc I want clarity and vindication but I no that ever time I contact this ass it’s taken as if I still want him and truthfully part if me still do but my more relavant side says stay away stay away! So for the most part I’ve been doing that. I hope I can heal it’s been over a year and I still feel like a thrown away piece of trash. I hope to never hear from again but I can’t say I wouldn’t go back if he came calling I no sick!
I was married to a man like this for 2 1/2 years. I call these years my dark years. He seemed fun and he told me he loved me. After I got to know his family better I realized how dysfunctional they really were and him too. All the children are named with the same first names! I should have taken that as a red flag and ran away. After about a year things got worse, he would belittle me, call me fat. His sisters hated me, especially his favorite one because they said I changed him. He consulted his family about our marriage, not me. He told me at one point his family (not me) came first. He took marital advice from his favorite sister who was divorced twice and had children with different men. He lied to me and would be verbally and emotionally abusive. Had I stayed in the marriage I believe he would have hit me. I am happy I didn’t have children with this monster. I filed for divorce and he and his family proceeded to tell lies to the priest and other people about me. He also took some of my furniture and dumped it on my dad’s driveway, my dad was about 75 years old when this happened. A good friend of mine who knew my ex-husband picked everything up for us. I’m sure he had his dysfunctional sister’s help since he did everything she told him to. I even got a nasty letter from her soon after. Getting married to him was the one of the worst mistakes I made in my life, divorcing him was one of my greatest accomplishments. I got my own place and I didn’t have anyone treating me badly and I was so happy to be rid of him and his mean sisters, his mother was nuts too. Be happy to be free.
I met a man 3 years ago nearly to the day and I wish more than anything I could go back and not let him come in and destroy my life as he has being my first boyfriend at 24 I realise now that was the whole reason he wanted to take my innocents zest that I had for life at the start he was so loving caring never met anyone like me I’m perfect he was overbearing sometimes always wanting to know what I’m doing validation that I loved and cared about him but it was all an act it started with little things checking up on me ‘spying’ then telling me I look at other men then saying if I continue with my studies I won’t have time for him and break up then it was to get me pregnant to leave me to do everything on my own come back after months saying he’s sorry he loves me our baby he will be different of course all lies he then started to go on about what’s his money ect at the same time pretending to be broke to note support his child at all living 80miles away rarely bothering with his child causing arguments to go go off for days weeks months to do as he pleased then blame me for it I’ve learnt that’s how narcs are loving caring one minute cruel cold callus the next the caring but doesn’t last long as it’s an act and no one can act 24/7 soon it’s all about luring you in to a false sense of security that their changing and want to mean while planning how they can hurt you the most discard you and their child and live happily ever after saying to anyone it’s your fault even though they treated you badly they love sympathy from others now I look back that’s what he did to me told me the girl he was with treated him bad he did nice things took care of her and she cheated now I realise it was probably the other way around,everything I fell for was not real what I don’t understand why go to all the trouble to hurt someone that’s never done anything to you love you and do everything to make you happy but that’s the problem I think they need people that are like them cold loveless uncaring kind hearted good people will only ever get hurt by them,My ex goes around saying I’m crazy I won’t let him take care if his child probably that I cheat even though I only had him as a partner stupid me thought he was my life partner all nasty vindictive lies the last conversation we had he told me it all happened quickly even though that was how he planned it and wanted it like it was my fault that so what I was a virgin and he told me all lies happy family all the works at the end of the day p**** is p**** and that’s that I was nothing special having his child was nothing major him coming to see me and his child on the rear occasion broke looking less than he used to designer this and that pretending all so he doesn’t have to provide for his child, it’s one thing loving giving yourself to someone like this but when you realise that they are so disgusting they would trample over their own child and not have one ounce if love or care for them it’s just heartbreaking,what do you say as your child grows up? All the red flags being too attentive at the start lying about family they don’t care for them ect wanting to rush things saying they love you after a month all signs to run for the hills,unfortunately my ex is not only a narcissist he’s a pretend Muslim to boot so righteous while being a despicable human being if you can call him that with a sister who seems to love him and him her more than normal siblings doing anything for each other and the look of love is not sibling love but how a man looks at the woman he’s in love with and the woman looks at her man with love even told me to abort his baby for his sister but then his whole family are nuts twisted and disturbing.
30 years and just tossed out as being a horrible person. Two great kids whose lives have also been turned upside down. Three years of counseling to get through a lifetime of abuse. So glad he is gone and I am getting better and better every day! Faith in Jesus’ unconditional love for me is what gives me hope.
how r u now? i have been going thru it for ten years married with constant hoovering. we had a grand finale 2 days ago. i have nothing left. luckily i am
pretty for 54 but i dont even want to be happy anymore. im heart broken
I wish people could just leave names cause it sounds like you have all dated my womanizing ex. Sorry we’ve gone through this! Two years and one big move to a new city, I still have sex with my ex. I think it brings us closer. This Time, he was so selfish and I found myself so turned off that I feel cleansed. Like I’m ready to finally accept it. Hope I continue with this mentality. Typically I tell myself is not worth it when I am with him. After time apart or lack of hearing from him, I begin remembering how happy I was with him… at first. Crazy, crazy love. Routine…. doesn’t make sense. Good luck!
Hey all.Omg theres sooo much to say!.Ive recently broken up with a narcissist we were only in a 5 month relationship..All the red flags were there from the beginning 4 children to three different women who all left him because they became junkies and what ever pathetic reason he made up in his head hmmm junkies yet you do not have your kids the mothers do interesting??and worst off his own mother supported these accusations as did his entire family making me out also to be the best hes ever had lol. I even confronted him and his mother during the relationship that i heard the mother to his kids on the phone and I dont think shes a junkie at all because junkies would not have that much concern for their children.And they proceeded to say no she is she is..but no sorry not buying it. I feel sorry for the mother of his children and always did during the duration of the relationship.The best way to get to know someone is to ask..I bombarded him with questions of his past throughout the entire relationship til the end and it became clear that something was missing or his stories weren’t adding up.When i would ask why the long line of his failed relationships didnt work out he would say she did this she did that and I would turn around and say Uhm thats nothing thats normal woman behaviour.I dont need to say everything because basically every experience victims have with the narc is the same.The love bomb the cheating the lying the raging bull the silent withdrawn faze the financial user the attention seeker in and out of court for years the all about me factor the wanting to impregnate and marry within 2 months hmmm..i know it happens but with the baggage of kids and court debts i was not going to marry into that after 2 months when i am a well established women childfree ready to buy a home!yep it all happened and i was able to unmask the prick in 5months which I am proud of because the mothers hung around for 4 years 4 years fuck that!I always knew something was a miss there and I was going to get to the bottom of this so i googled up and Boom i found the miss he is a full blown narcissist/psychopath.Ive been reading articles for the last three days and the reason this is the first one i have posted on is because i felt the pain of the victim who started this thread so I wanted to help and tell you how i have recovered!Very fast..I know my relationship was not long but why would i want it to be!I have feelings and he does not!So when it comes to thinking about him disgard him as he has disgarded you i see my ex is already in p.o.f date site and i laugh because i predicted that when i left him and he wouldnt leave me alone playing the guilt card to get me back and i said oh youll find another one how many girlfriends did you have lastyear 5 and trying to make amends to one of the mothers of your kids! Yet Im THE ONE..Yeah right buddy the one with 2000 facebook friends that i actually know in person NS opposing your 76 friends the one with money the one who let you live OFF me!Goodbye your laters!Ladies wake up to yourselves you are strong and independent we are blessed to be born women!Only you are responsible for the way you feel so remember who you were before the son of satan came to fuck you up!Because who you were is who you really are!And the world your family your friends definately need her back!Youve been reading post after post and still dont accept that HE DOES NOT CARE!So why the fuck should you!He is a shell no feeling and sometimes I am jealous of that because he never gets to feel hurt or pain then again i pity him because he too will never feel true love or happiness and all those butterfly feelings either!We get to love again and again with someone more deservant!and he gets to string women along for a ego boost Wow lucky him lol! I am over him because i was not in love with him I thought I was but i realized i was in love with an illusion the love bomber from the start but that guys gone!Dont give up on your life dont give up on love learn the lesson pick up the pieces and move on.My attitude is just like he was hot and a good root but hey i probably wasnt the only one he was rooting and i deserve someone with loyalty and faithfullness.And above all else i am thankful for the experience because now i know my intuition has fully developed and I was right on the money in this situation now i will go on with my life dating being able to pick the true from the fake and know damn well that I can trust myself and my intuition.Nothing is more powerful then womens intuition!So fuck him find a better one and remember you have a heart to protect because no one can protect it for you!Get to know Mr next ask questions If something feels wrong then it usually is as is if its too good to be true it usually is.Do not disgard YOUR feelings because Mr Prince Charming is standing infront of you spitting bullshit telling you to think otherwise.Rebuild your life do whats good for you for once in your fucken life think of all the things you wanted to do but couldnt because of the toxic man in ya life!For me i wanted to travel the world with my partner but couldnt with the narc coz id have to pay he has kids and he cant leave the country = court shit!My darlings we are freeeeee!!!So fly far far away!To love and light yall xxx 😉
Cathetine i love u, what a story and words of wisdom u wrote, i love it xxx just what i needed girl, first time i laughed in a long time. i’m getting there slowly and surely. god bless x
P.s Yes his family and himself will run me down and you down as he did his previous partners..and really who gives a flying f*ck!they are part of the problem!and always will be you have family too who love you no matter what you do!Believe in kharma!I take solace in a text message from a friend i received while I was at work who was worried about me during the breakup.I hope it empowers you too!You made a mistake cuz we all make them but you will rise above and do better and he wont coz he will NEVER change!Amen
Hello everyone was dealing with my first love for 22 years. Recently I thought we were trying to finally get our relationship right….WRONG He used me lied to me made false promises. Promised to marry me all a lie. Im so devasted. My heart and soul are shattered. I really believed him this time. I started researching and have come to realize and believe I have been madly in love with a narc. He has always played on my unconditional love for him used that to get what he wants. Everything you could experiance in a relationship(sexual, physical, verbal, and mental abuse)I experianced it with this man. Cant wait for the day Im finally over him. ~Still in love with him~
I feel like I was reading the story of my life…except I married mine! 🙁
I was with a very very horrible dangerous pure evil narc. And I really do not even know if I will EVER recover. I am numb. And the entire list and article is my life.
THANK YOU so much for putting it into words.
The narc I was with was VERY manipulative in that he is a supposed “healer” a new agey kind with a soft gentle voice and demeanor. So you can imagine how extremely dangerous he is. He ruined everything for me and everything I used to love and care about in life is gone. He stole my spark, my dreams, my entire personality. And I have yet to meet anyone in person who understands. I get told from my mom to get over it, and told same thing from my roommate. I also believe my mom to be a narc. I guess I am wishing for a miracle for myself. Please believe me, anyone, when I say he destroyed my entire life and my all my insides and how I see life and the world.
I also just broke up with a down right, crazy narc. His mother took it upon herself to throw all of my daughters room out on the lawn. My daughter is 8! 18months wasted with this sick individual. Always belittling me, verbally abusive about my body, telling me that my job isn’t good enough, how my family is a bunch of scumbags. physically abusive and never once apologize. I’m heart broken but more angry with myself to ignore all of the red flags. His family is so dysfunctional. His mother goes years at a time only talking to two of her five kids.
I know it’s going to take time to get over this one. But I am thankful to have no ties with him. Now, it’s time to pick all of the broken pieces and rebuild my life again.
Hey, how’s it going? I just read what you said and I’m literally swallowing the tears pouring down my face. I feel the same way. I thought he was my soulmate. Turns out he was mine and I wasn’t his. The pain in my heart is aching. I wish i could have it taken away lol wishful thinking. It would have been 4yrs in August. He’s a cold one. And my spark for everything is gone too. We just broke up. I wish you the best. Love you more. They never cared like we did. It’s not about healing it’s about learning to live without them is what hurts. I wish you the best and hope that in time you fine someone as amazing as you are. ????
I met the man who killed my spirit, sucked me dry financially and emotionally and said I brought it all upon myself 10 years ago. I pushed the doubts to the back of my mind bc I loved this sexy, charming exciting man so much i’d have died for him.
He called me an angel when I gave him money to pay his bills, said just knowing “I was in his corner” was everything he ever wanted, said he wanted the best in life and that’s why he chose me. . . I drank in his sweet words like a parched throat in a desert.
I tried so hard to please him in any way I could, I’d scrimp and save to pay for weekends away together, hoping it would deepen his feelings for me. Id give him a wad of notes so he could pay all our expenses then trail round the shops watching while he bought clothes for himself and presents for his children with it instead. I kept quiet, didn’t complain, he was happy, we had amazing sex, I wanted to keep it that way. his life went from one drama to another, terrible predicaments, (usually financial) incredible highs, exciting job oppurtunies never monotony, never just ‘being’. Through all the lows I was always there to pick up the prices, to get him back on his feet. . . through the highs he’d be out dazzling with the people he wanted around him, people I never met, places I was never invited to.
5 years I did this, I believed I was the happiest woman alive, I put up with the freeze outs when something had gone wrong and it was out of my control to put right because I told myself he was under stress, I made excuses for him when he behaved in a cold or dismissive way because I told myself no ones perfect, I loved him unconditionally . he hit me, spat in my face, throttled me with a scarf and walked away with his sex for the night without a backward glance. And still I loved him.
Of course my story’s the same as yours, I know now that he treats his women as commodities, he needs a woman who has a trusting and generous nature, one who has a big heart who will put the needs of those she loves before her own and will fight like a tigress to protect them.
I know that I am that woman and so are all of you. Be proud of who you are.
My story does have a happy ending, almost.
I met someone who loves me, a kind considerate man who wants to make me happy and I know if it wasn’t for him I’d still be drinking too much and struggling to get out of bed each morning. He rescued me and I thank the powers of the universe for bringing him into my life.
And yet deep down the embers of the fire still glow
Bless you all, x
I would think I was reading my story that I wrote, wow!!!!! It’s so hard to deal with. I’m sure your past it now, but I’m unfortunately going through it now and it is killing me to no end.
to sum up in one line..
THEY CANNOT GIVE..anything…time money gifts love affection attention…nothing at all..
they r the selfish n meanest persons in d world..
hollow empty souls..
cold emotionless…
they will ignore ur special days like bdays, professional achievements..
they baost abt their branded clothes n expensive stuff..
they hang around with hot girls atparties
they can never see or feel the true emotions of simple sincere loving women like us..
may god bless them..coz tehy r suffering bigtime from a disorder
silent treatment is their fav..they will stop talking to u…start ignoring u to d extent of u feel u have died for them…yes i know its so painful…
if u ask them d reason..thye say nothng..all is normal..
they r mad..coz only mad people can call such silent treatments as normal..
they suck d life out of u..
so ladies..pls wear ur running shoes n run away as fast as poss from this loser moron
peace..
As I read the comments on this site, I am wondering if my husband is narcissistic. Can someone become narcissistic later in life? The reason I ask is my husband and I have been together for 22 years. In the last 2 years, he is showing some signs of this personality disorder. We started to have arguments around this time, with regard to our 16 year old son. Our son was being disrespectful towards me, on many occasions, swearing and insulting me. My husband was present when this was happening, but said nothing to stop his behavior. When I tried to tell my husband how I was feeling about our son speaking to me in this fashion, he had no regard for my feelings and showed no compassion. Sometimes my husband refuses to discuss it with me at all, claiming I am the one who is sick in the head. He never apologizes for hurting my feelings and blames me for our son’s actions. Then we don’t speak and he ignores me. He will associate with our son and act like I don’t exist, (the same way another person had posted earlier). I am thinking how could anyone have no empathy, be so insensitive and cold hearted as this. An earlier post said that a husband sees his son as an extension of himself, and therefore the son can do no wrong and is perfect. I can only believe that this is the reason my husband is acting this way towards me. It hurts me immensely. I do feel a total sense of betrayal. It has impacted me so much that I do not want to be in the same room as him sometimes, and am starting to resent him. It is a very lonely feeling. I have lost my joy for living. I feel empty and he has drained me emotionally. I feel as though I have aged 10 years over this 2 year period. Then out of the blue, he will start speaking to me, making it appear that everything is fine. Almost like a Jekyll and Hyde personality. I am wondering, what is going on? Any comments to help me understand would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Jekyll and hyde is what it is, it comes from out of nowhere. im always surprised when he expodes and its been 20 years. It is baffling. It is always to the intensity of devastating me. My joy of living has also been destroyed. Any show of happiness on my part for anything is quickly killed. He always ends up the victim after he unleashes on me. He always says it was me doing to him whatever is was him doing to me.
I can not stop crying today. i have been married to him for 20 years. i have no car no money and no hope. he has alienated every friend i have ever had since i met him. i am so disappointed in myself for letting him get me in this situation. I just cant stop crying. Ny anguish is at its peak, I have nowhere to see anymore light at the end of the tunnel. HIs words are so hurtful and cutting. I usually can hold on to mself and detach enough to be ok within myself. But I lost my temper today after the horrible rage was poured onto me. I hit myself in the head repeatedly out of frustration. I just want to give up trying to live. But i know i wont, I understand his illness(his evil) and i know i will go on that is why im feeling so defeated. He is killing my soul. I am financially ruined and alone. Thank you all for the things you share. They have educated me about what is happening to me.
I am going through the same thing. The man I am with in the beginning he was wonderful! I thought I met the live of my life!! So thoughtful, if i cried he would hold me, I fealt safe with him! So wonderful! Many nights of him lighting candles, playing love songs on the guitar, omg I thought I found the man I was going to marry & spend forever with! He would message me daily! I moved in with him and things began to change fast. Way less attentive, way less loving, taking him hours to answer a text. One day he caught me crying because I fealt like things were going south in our relationship and he yelled at me and told me to stop crying he couldn’t handle it, though he could before… He just threw me out like trash literally! I couldn’t believe it. I never knew what I did wrong to him and amazingly blamed myself like a idiot! Like a idiot I began dating him again! Things were perfect as before then very soon want down hill. Now I see clearly that he is nothing but a jerk, when I am gone I will be gone forever and will never look back! He was making things up! He actually said he didn’t wanna be with me because I was lazy lol! As he told me this I had laundry going, I was standing there activly doing dishes as he was sitting on his butt. So, don’t go back hunny, unfortunately it took me 2 times to see it wasn’t me, it was him. I really learned my lesson. Guess I just loved him way more than He loved me. He even accused me of using him for his money. really what money? I work a full time job, make more money than him! And work many many more hours than him. I would never use anyone. That made me physically sick to my stomach! Then proceded to tell me that he wanted to date me after I moved out, no way, I deserve way better than that!!! If I am so lazy and a user as he puts it why would he even be intrested in dating such a horrible person? Lol! I will find someone better, yes my heart is broke, but I just can’t and won’t continue to live someone like that.
Hello Everyone, I’ve not written anything on a website like this before…. But I’m desperate for a way to stop ruminating and obsessing over my first heart break and I think she’s a narcissist! It’s been 4 months now since the split and i’m still empty inside.
I’m a 27 year old Brit with a good job, friends, health, attractive (i’m told), genuinely a nice guy and a lot going for me… but I’m seriously depressed following the loss of an ex I thought was the one… I’ve lost all energy for everything I found enjoyment in before her. I think about her still nearly every minute of every day, if not i’m looking up how to get over someone .. I must’ve read every thread on the internet now.
We were together for just short of a year and I fell deeply in love with her. I’ve dated a lot of women in my life but never thought long-term until this one. We were so happy together, we made each other laugh all the time, she was gorgeous, inside and out, charismatic, career-driven. I was truly happy! We talked about having kids, her moving in to my new flat i’m in the process of buying (now feels pointless) and planned a future together. There weren’t any major arguments or differences in life goals…
A few weeks after returning from a trip to Rome where I’d started to think about buying her a ring… she came over to my house and told me she’d decided that we weren’t compatible with each other and I didn’t have ‘enough time for her’. I spent 3/4 nights a week with her for the whole time we were together and I did everything to try and please her. Probably I did too much pleasing and acted very co-dependent to the point that I stopped looking after myself as I should have (I put on a couple of stone – which has obviously gone now!!). I know i fucked up when I was with her by letting some of my vices getting the better of me… drinking/smoking a bit too much when she is very health conscious and she mentioned in the last few months how I was going to be dead by 50 if i carried on as i was.. but I didn’t act on my promises to do so! I’ve quit smoking and lost 3 stone since, mostly through loss of appetite and innate guilt. But it’s all too little too late!
I’ve not really helped myself with breaking no contact, I left it a month before contacting her (having lost weight/smoking) to try and persuade her to give me another shot. She wasn’t interested and had organised to go on holiday for 3 weeks to Thailand (where I’d talked about going with her). Although she admitted she was ‘unrealistically demanding’ of me… she said she wasn’t going to marry me and was pretty rude, saying how all I needed was a homely fat girl, i’m lazy, i have a problem with addiction and we weren’t right for each other.
A little over a month later she called me from a holiday with her Dad, I know i should’ve ignored it, but I answered. Thailand had been great and she was having a fabulous time in Tenerife… I’d just found out my Mum had endometrial cancer. She was loving life and I was going through hell, although I tried not to show it. A few weeks later when she was back I called her pleading her to give me another go, that I could be a better man. She said it wasn’t a good time right now and maybe in a couple of years… then a week later I messaged her saying if we could meet just for me to just get closure… the answer was no. I deleted her number and thought that’s that, no more trying!
Then a month later (last week) she calls me twice… she was feeling really poorly and wondered if I wanted to go meet for a cup of tea, to see how i was and catch up. Again I shouldn’t have.. but I met her.. she wanted driving around places – not what i’d agreed to do – i wanted to talk so refused the taxi service. I explained what i’d done, how I’ve changed in our time apart for the better, but i know there’s no way back to the way we were now, it’s been too long. She nodded, there was obviously no remorse about the pain she had put me in. She went on to say how I am ‘such a great guy, she had an amazing time and I was a good boyfriend. But we’re just not right for each other’… Something I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!. I asked her to never call me again, the same as how i’d ended our last phone call…
I can see now how she was very narcissistic in nature (never heard of the word before until someone told me she sounded like one). She was 4 years younger and acted childish… She constantly went on about how ‘special’ she was, how she was a ‘princess’ and deserved/entitled to special treatment and money – my bank balance proved that… Her ‘me’ time was spent dancing/singing in front of the mirror looking at herself… She was manipulative and belittled her parents and friends, she often ‘jokingly’ took the piss out of me… she occasionally went in to a rage at me over the smallest of disagreements… even complained that i’d left her for 30 mins to help out my elderly mum to help her with the shopping… all of the red flags above I ignored… blinded by love…
I did feel like a ‘white knight’ at times… doing more than my share in the relationship… (I did 80% of the commuting/dinners) but I was happy doing so because i loved her, I see how it was ‘toxic’ in ways.. and I didn’t communicate properly in fear that she’d leave me.. I can see how a more emotional girl/less narcissistic self-serving person would be better for me… but I can’t shake the notion from my head that I should’ve done things differently! That if i’d not done some things we’d still be together and we’d be that ‘team’ she wanted… although i did everything she asked of me…
I feel even stupider that I even let it go on for as long as it did, from the start she said she was looking for a casual relationship, and that she’d be ‘moving away or going travelling in 9 months’ which never came true, but she kept reminding me the whole time…. I thought i could win her affection for me… i was wrong! I do occasionally have blissful moment when i think there’s nothing I could’ve done to please this girl…
Please can someone tell me what to do?! I’m fed up of feeling this way. I don’t want to dream of her anymore. I don’t like seeing the flashbacks of her. I don’t want to feel empty inside any more!!!
I’ve made the following steps;
1 – Blocked her number and deleted her social media
2 – Deleted all the photos of her and put all the memorabilia stuff away/returned it.
3 – Tried to get back in to the gym but i’m struggling to find the passion, it reminds me of what i ‘should’ve done’
4 – Started running – but same as 3 above….
5 – Started seeing another girl (that i’ve been completely honest with about where I am getting over my ex – she is very understanding, empathetic and kind!). But I worry it’s still too soon as it’s a reminder as much as a distraction…
6 – Been to the Doctors about depression because I was having distressing self-harming thoughts. Which has brought me back from the edge…
7 – Tried to get my head back in to my career but I am struggling to give a fuck about literally anything!
I know the whole time heals all wounds thing… and no contact at all is the way forward… But I can’t stop the over-thinking. I’m obsessing over it and go from pillar to post with it night and day. Someone please help me, I’ve never been so lost and broken in my life.
Thank you.
ps. Sorry I just started typing and typing… there’s a lot i felt i needed to say…
Hey James,
You are not the first and not the last person to go through what you are going through. It doesn’t matter what anyone says to you, only you can break the thought process and rediscover yourself.
A partnership is about both people offering themselves and putting positive energy into the relationship.
In your case it sounds like you had a go and it didn’t work out. You need to move on and accept that it is over. It is your own fear that is holding you hostage to moving on.
I know what that is like, I’ve been there, I’ve been with a full blown narc and it is sole destroying when they leave you but then these people have no boundaries and see you as what they can use you for when they need to use you. They don’t look at love like your own mindset of what love is.
Do yourself a favour James, let her go and move on. It is best for you and there are better people out there for you. Wishing it were different, calling , texting her is just weak, go no contact, stay no contact and don’t look back hoping she will come back. If she really does have feeling for you, she will get in contact again, but right now you just come across as a weak male to her and no women wants a weak emotionally needy guy, so man up pal, there is a whole life out there for you, stop letting this ex still have control.over you because believe me you have zero control over her…
And one last thing, if she is a narc they do tend to reappear in your life when you don’t expect it. Don’t be fooled usually they are just after something, once they have it, you usefulness to them is done and they will discard you again…
I feel for all of you!
I was with a Narc for 7 years and it was wonderful at times but the complete disrespect was the worst. He would always talk about his ex’s and how beautiful they were and how he was a different person when he was with them. He put me in a category of his one true love but I don’t compare to any of those women. The ex girl friends were “crazy” that’s why I didn’t compare to any one of them.
The first time we broke up, he cheated, he went on a business trip and had an affair. I was devastated, I came home from Christmas Holiday to find out that he cheated. I felt that he stabbed me in the back and stomach. I was numb to life and everything in it. I cut him out of my life for a year and than he begged me back. I allowed him back into my life and we were together for another 2 years. Than the same thing happened again. A week after my birthday, I went on vacation and he texts to say he met a beautiful woman. I cut him out of my life but this time I was dating and he was watching my home. He was seeing someone else but I would catch him walking his dog where I lived. I live across town. I never had a problem with dating other men, my problem was that a Narc looks for people that have trust issues. A wise man told me that when you start dating someone, if this person brings up his past relationships of being a victim in the first 3 months of dating, thats a red flag.
Narcs are great actors. He came back into my life again and we were happy for another 3 years, he moved in with me and everything seemed great. Than he decides to move because he feels the job he has is not serving him. Did he ask me to come with him, “No”
For a year we have had a long distance relationship and the last time we spent time together he was cold and distant. I told him if he doesn’t open it up to me I’m leaving and he said, “Don’t be silly” this time he spoke of his ex’s all the time while I was visiting but he went further and spoke of his sexual experiences with one. That was it, I told him enough and take me to the airport. He said he was sorry, I told him he was disrespectful to me and I don’t need this.
Two days later I get home from a lousy trip visiting him and I get a text from him telling me that he feels disrespected and he feels that he doesn’t know me anymore. It was strange, I was hurt but than relieved. I felt that I can say goodbye. I asked him to call me, he said no. I told him thats ok, I’m done. Here all these years, I thought this was a man that I gave my heart to and we were soul to soul with each other, that’s the hook, they want you to think you are the only one that can listen to them, take away their pain.
What I have learned and what I have read in so many books. You share your heart with someone, but you cant give it all to them. Narcs take energy from you, called “gaslighting” when they hurt you, they drain you, they chip away at your soul. These are people that don’t know what love is or how to love. We are the ones that trust and give are love, not them. They cant take away our hearts or our souls. We allow the behavior but we have to see what were we in this. Did we give so much of ourselves that we lost ourselves and our confidence? I am so glad I’m not apart of his life. He keeps calling because I was strong on the phone and told him who I am, where I stand and I don’t want him. Narcs don’t like to hear that you will be fine without them. They want to hear how lost you will be, I am not lost, I am free. I hope this helps.
Voice of experience: Narcissists are literally addicted to attention. Ignore them completely. Do not answer their calls, emails or any attempt they make at contact. I mean absolute zero. They will be beside themselves and obsessed with you. They will suffer more the longer it continues. Trust me, you will love their cries and pleas. Never ever respond.