Last Updated on July 4, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
Do narcissists enjoy kissing their partners? Yes, but not for the reasons you might think.
So, you thought you had a fairy-tale romance, your soul mate, your prince charming. He’s charismatic, attentive, his light shines so brightly it could blind you.
And then without any warning, it all falls apart and now, you’re an emotional wreck, giving him everything you’ve got in the hopes of resurrecting your dead relationship. Unfortunately, your magnetic physical connection was all a part of the plan.
He loved kissing you because he knew it would get you hooked, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that’s the cruel, harsh reality of being in a relationship with a narcissist. Let’s take a deeper look into the question do narcissists enjoy kissing their partners?
What Does Kissing Symbolize in a Relationship?
Everyone remembers their first kiss; it sparks emotional fireworks and activates the feel-good hormones.
You were on cloud nine for weeks and couldn’t wait to get back into the arms of your crush. Kissing is one of the many ways in which romantic partners connect and it’s a very important part of a relationship.
Several scientific studies have highlighted the benefits of kissing. Experts state that passionate kissing boosts sex drive because saliva contains the hormone testosterone which plays a role in sexual arousal.
The more intensely and passionately you kiss, the more testosterone is released.
Couples develop emotional intimacy when they kiss because the act involves feelings of connection and vulnerability. Oxytocin is one of the feel-good hormones released when romantic partners kiss and it breaks down emotional barriers enabling couples to connect on a deeper level.
Additionally, oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone which plays an important role in strengthening relationships.
Furthermore, oxytocin is a trust boosting hormone, and when two people trust each other, it increases the likelihood of them falling in love.
Reasons Why Narcissists Might Not Enjoy Kissing
As the above evidence suggests, kissing is more than a physical act. Hormones are released that trigger emotional reactions. Therefore, there is a possibility that narcissists have a secret disdain for kissing because of how it makes them feel.
Remember, narcissists lack empathy, not because they want to, but because they have mastered the art of repressing their feelings in fear of reliving negative childhood experiences.
These repressed emotions often resurface as rage, fear and envy. These are very dominant, recurrent, and prevalent hues in the emotional existence of a narcissist.
Reading Suggestion: How to Make a Narcissist Come Crawling Back?
Therefore, they will tolerate kissing because they know it will help them reach their main goal. But the reality is that the last thing on a narcissists mind is building an emotional connection with their partner.
So, if you are asking the question do narcissists kiss? They do, but the narcissist always has an agenda when they get into a relationship, and that is supply.
Kissing and the Love Bombing Stage
The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is extremely intense; they go above and beyond the call of duty to win over their date. Psychologists refer to this as the love bombing stage. If you have been asking yourself the question, “Do narcissists kiss their partners?” During the love bombing stage, they won’t be able to keep their hands off you.
They will take attention, flattery, praise and gifts to another level. You will think you’ve found the partner of your dreams; however, everything they do comes with a price tag.
When they shower you with expensive gifts, the narcissist will tell you how much it costs because they want you to know they are investing in you. They will overwhelm you with compliments so that when they come fishing for supply, you feel obligated to do the same.
Your narcissist partner will bombard you with public and digital affection. When you are around friends and family members there will be plenty of touching and positive body language to let them know who you belong to.
Their social media page will consist of loads of lovey-dovey pictures of you with romantic captions expressing their undying feelings for you.
What Happens After the Love Bombing Stage?
And yes, there will be plenty of kissing during the love-bombing stage. Unfortunately, your dream will quickly turn into a nightmare once the narcissist is confident that you are hooked.
With the blink of an eye, the compliments will turn into insults, the PDAs will turn into, “Please don’t touch me.” The gifts, the vacations and every other romantic gesture will become a thing of the past.
You can still expect the social media posts though; after all, the narcissist wants everyone to think they are the perfect partner. The social media posts will serve two purposes, one, it keeps his image intact, and two, it keeps you on your toes.
And here begins the split personality, in private, he’s evil as hell, but in public, anyone watching would nominate him for the world’s best boyfriend award. To keep up appearances, he may only kiss you when friends and family are around. This is referred to as the devaluing stage.
Narcissists and Intimacy – Are Narcissists Intimate?
Intimacy is characterized by mutual vulnerability, sharing and openness. Intimacy is not just about physical pleasure, it is a deeply emotional connection between two people in a romantic relationship, family relationship or friendship. According to experts, there are four types of intimacy:
- Sexual intimacy
- Intellectual intimacy
- Emotional intimacy
- Experiential intimacy
For the purposes of this article, I will focus on emotional and sexual intimacy and how it relates to narcissists.
What is Emotional Intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is when someone feels secure enough to express their fears, hurts and insecurities to their partner. They are confident that whatever they say won’t be used against them. Due to the nature of their condition, narcissists are incapable of being emotionally intimate with their significant other.
One of the main reasons for this is that it involves vulnerability; for a narcissist to express their fears, hurts and insecurities it means removing their fake exterior, and that is something that a narcissist will never do.
The root cause of narcissism is childhood trauma where a person was made to feel powerless. The narcissist has spent their entire life making every effort to suppress this emotional pain. Therefore, they have subconsciously conditioned themselves not to open up on this level in a relationship.
What is Sexual Intimacy?
It is no secret that narcissists are good in bed; but unfortunately, they are not good in bed because they want to please their partners. Making their partner feel good is the last thing on their mind. The narcissist will go to great lengths to ensure his sex game is on point because its one of the many tools they use to hook their victims.
Good sex is addictive, and amongst other behaviors, sex is one of the many things the partner of a narcissist gets addicted to. Good sex means more supply to a narcissist because it’s just one more thing for their significant other to praise them about. Additionally, they know that if the sex is consistently good, it increases the probability of their partner turning a blind eye to the abuse.
So back to the questions do narcissists enjoy kissing, and do narcissists kiss? The answer is that they enjoy kissing for the wrong reasons. A normal person enjoys kissing because they are attracted to the person they are kissing, and it feels good. But a narcissist enjoys kissing because it is a part of the seductive process that leads to them hooking their partner.
Am I Dating a Sexual Narcissist?
A sexual narcissist believes they are gods in the bedroom, they are obsessed with their sexual performance and they are addicted to hearing their partners tell them how good they are in bed. In general, narcissists love themselves and need constant praise, but this aspect of the disorder shows up in relation to their sexual performance.
If you are dating a sexual narcissist, there is a high chance that the only time he kisses you is during sex. Kissing you during sex is purely for his own benefit because he knows that you like it and it’s one more thing for you to compliment him about. Here are a few signs that you are dating a sexual narcissist:
- He Ghosts You After Sex: Whether you are in a casual or committed relationship, sexual narcissists are known to pull a disappearing act after sex. They’ve got what they wanted, they are not interested in the hugging and smooching that takes place afterward. It is not uncommon for a narcissist to literally get out of bed, put their clothes on and leave. Or, if you are at their house, they will politely ask you to leave.
- They Are Sexually Violent: There are many women who are raped by their partners; at the time, they convinced themselves that it wasn’t rape. But in hindsight, the woman said no several times, but sex was forced on them. In this case, the opposite of what they typically do happens. They become affectionate and love bomb after the event for two reasons. First, so that their partner forgets they’ve just been raped, and second, so they can get their supply.
- They are Not Faithful: In general, narcissists are not faithful to their partners, but this is not the case with all of them. Sexual narcissists on the other hand can’t help themselves. It stems from their insatiable desire for praise for their sexual performance. They need to hear it so much that the more people they can get it from, the better.
- They Are Selfish in the Bedroom: Narcissists lack empathy, whether you are seriously ill in hospital or your mother just died, narcissists don’t care. Life revolves around them and they can’t bare the thought of anyone else being the centre of attention. But with sexual narcissists, this shows up in the bedroom. It’s all about them, they are there for their pleasure alone, anything they do to please their partner is for the praise they know they will get from it. Sexual narcissists are emotionally absent during sex, they are not there for the spiritual connection.
- They Gaslight Their Partners: Again, gaslighting is a common trait amongst narcissists and it’s all about control. However, with sexual narcissists, gaslighting shows up in the bedroom by accusing their partner of being needy if she expresses her desire for emotional intimacy during sex. Or, they will call you selfish if you ask for what you want in the bedroom. It is also common for sexually violent narcissists to gaslight their partners into believing they wanted sex after raping them. They will also do things like accusing their partners of flirting or having an affair when in reality, they are the ones doing the cheating.
- They Get Emotional if They Don’t Get What They Want: Saying no to a narcissist is just not done. It’s their way, or the highway. If a sexual narcissist doesn’t get what they want in the bedroom, they will throw a temper tantrum. In some cases, they will resort to threatening behavior by saying that if their partner doesn’t perform the sex act they are requesting, they will tell everyone that it was their partner demanding the perverted sex acts.
Final Thoughts: Do Narcissists Enjoy Kissing?
Do narcissists enjoy kissing partners? It is a common question amongst victims of narcissist abuse because one minute the narcissist is all over them, the next, they’re not. The partner then begins to second guess themselves and question what they could have done to cause the cold and stand-offish behavior of their once loving and affectionate significant other.
As you’ve read, you are not to blame, you were love bombed and now you are in the devalue stage. Right now, you are probably standing at the crossroad of should I stay, or should I go? Well, let me warn you in advance, unfortunately, things are not going to get any better.
Narcissism isn’t a choice, it’s a psychological disorder, they have a predictable pattern of behavior and the relationship is going to go from bad to worse very quickly. Sorry to disappoint you, but very soon, kissing your narcissistic partner will be a distant memory for you.
The kissing question is so valid though. Unfortunately I have attracted a handful of coverts, one malignant, and 2 grandiose. I don’t say this lightly. I have noticed, more so with covert that they eventually stop kissing you during sex. I’ve noticed that if they don’t stop kissing it is because I initiated the kiss, but there towards the end you can always feel the hesitation. Are used to call attention to it by asking “what’s wrong” or “why does it feel like you are detaching from me” using those exact words. They either ghost or heavily devalue me after. So weird. I have learned so much in the last couple of weeks and I have sat down and picked apart my relationships and I have never had a normal healthy relationship. I’m seeking therapy as soon as I can.
I have a similar history, having just been discarded (for the 13th time in 2 years..)by my covert narcissist ex-gf. I feel like attracting a narcissist could be as simple as just being a very giving and patient person, being easygoing, and being attractive to them in the respect that it makes them look good when they bring you places.
(if you start to look bad, like you gain or lose too much weight, get sick, cut your hair wrong, or have a style that doesn’t suit them, or change your ways in nearly anyway which doesn’t appeal to them, they will cease to invite you out, and guaranteed they are on the hunt for someone who makes them look better out there than you do even if it is temporary!) Attracting narcissists is the curse of every kind person willing to give generous compliments or boost the narc’s sense of self-esteem.
The problem is, they really get us hooked with the love bombing. If you don’t catch it in that stage, you might fall in love again and have to go through the same drama with the next. The thing about coverts is that they usually have no idea they are covert narcs, and unless you study this stuff, you usually don’t either. I think our power as those who would like to avoid being victimized again is to identify the love-bombing before it goes too far.
They just make comments like, ” One of the things I just really like about you is……..you’re just amazing!” Right? I mean, this is a perfectly natural thing to think about your new partner, and it makes people feel good to hear it, but there’s something about the way they say it that is at a random moment, almost as if they are saving get out jail free cards” from the board game, Monopoly.
If they’re not feeling like they are hooking you in efficiently enough, and they need to get your attention more squarely on them, they will make announcements like this. Just saying, these are subtle nuances, but they are consistent. Here’s another one. Something happens to you, you get sick, or there’s a situation that happens to you where you could really use someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or if you’re sick, for example, someone to help you out for a few days.
The narc will suddenly have something also happen to them which makes it, so they aren’t capable of being there for you, and they will turn the energy to themselves; within 24 hours of your situation arising, they will act depressed and say they just need some time to themselves, or have a very tight schedule so that it is a burden coming to your aid. And if they do, they will make a production out of it to make sure you know what a sacrifice they are making.
The main thing is to identify love bombing before you get hooked. I think they also are very quick to say they love you, paint pictures in your mind of vast adventures and plans (moving somewhere, buying a house together, moving in together and all the wonderful things you’ll be doing with them), they are quick to make big commitments. Like the one I was with, she said within a month of our dating, “I’m gonna marry you. ” At the time, I was getting divorced, but the process wasn’t even over yet. ”
I said, how do you propose to that? She said, “You need to propose to me.” And that grandiose vision was carried every day until one day, I interrupted her a dinner party and she misunderstood something I said and discarded me on the spot. And this person said they would always be with me through thick and thin.
Then boom, no discussion, no warning, just “ill love you forever” in the morning and “I can’t be in this relationship anymore” that night. And over a text, too, not even in person or even in person on the phone. Refused to pick up a call afterward, saying I was “disturbing her dinner and ruining it” (after breaking up with me out of the blue.
It sick, actually thinking how poorly I allowed her to treat me. Just remember, you have the power over your own decisions. As much as it hurts, walking away early on is a way better decision. If they did it once, they will keep doing it. Did that help? Hope so. take care
Wow Drew! Just Wow! I’m sorry you have had to deal with that on your end. I also am dealing with something extremely similar on my end. Your comments really resonated with me and I thank you so much for sharing your situation with us. It for sure did help me to read what you’ve been through. This is all very sad and some of the most unfortunate drama to be thrown into. I’m working on detaching- but I got hooked but good. It sickens me to know that THIS is what I’m hooked to because I really thought I was in love with him. Now, after 2 years and five breakups…I don’t know what I’m doing with this man still being in my life. I gotta cut and run. One day. Sooner than later is what I’m going for. Painful. For all of us. I wish you abundance peace and joy in your life, Drew. Thanks again!! ❤️
Narcissists are such destructive people and I with that ‘how to identify personally disorders ‘ should be taught in schools so that young people can spot the signs a leave a relationship before getting hooked.
We need to learn self appreciation and self confidence at avyoung age