The Narcissist And Sex: Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist

How The Narcissist Uses Sex To Take/Keep Control

The sexual attitudes of narcissists are most peculiar- they tend to be either hyperactive or hypoactive in making love. Generally, there are two types of narcissists: the somatic narcissist (hyperactive) and the cerebral narcissist (hypoactive).

The somatic narcissist gains his ‘narcissistic supply’ from other people’s reactions to his body via sex conquests, bodybuilding, athletic abilities, competence in outdoor activities, or sometimes simply preening. Cerebral narcissists, on the other hand, flaunt their intelligence and knowledge to obtain attention and admiration.

General Characteristics of Sex With The Narcissist

Narcissists are generally exhibitionists and sex is just another tool in their toolbox for getting attention and adulation. Narcissists commit adultery and have extramarital affairs or liaisons for a variety of reasons including control, power, attention, increasing self-image and because narcissists get bored easily.

Intimacy does not exist. Narcissists are unable to empathize or genuinely love another person. They are master manipulators and know how to fake intimacy; but when their partner no longer meets their “fix” for narcissistic supply, they will drop them and abandon them with no remorse. Partners frequently feel used, even before being abandoned. The narcissist does not fulfill other people’s needs.

Narcissists feel superior and more important than others; they feel entitled to be above the law and entitled to engage in behaviors that are considered socially undesirable or unacceptable. They reject and intensely resent all limitations or conditions placed upon them by their partners. They freely act on their impulses and desires and do not care about social conventions. They love being photographed and talked about. They also like showing that they can break moral taboos (example: women singers kissing each other on TV shows). , They have very shallow personalities and live for attention and admiration… many are serial lovers, have serial marriages or have countless empty affairs.

Marriage, monogamy, and child-rearing are common activities sought after by the average person. However, the narcissist feels robbed of his uniqueness by these common pursuits and feels forced into the roles of husband or father. This narcissistic injury leads him to rebel and reassert his superiority and specialness by engaging in extramarital affairs.

There are many narcissists who are charming and seductive, graced with a worldly manner, yet who cannot keep his or her hands off other women or men. Men and women with narcissism seek sensual gratification as a way of getting attention and narcissistic supply – they may say they are addicted to making love, but it is the attention and control they crave.

Narcissists are control freaks. Seducing someone into sex is a form of control. The more difficult the target is, the more power and control they feel.

Most adults can brush off the behavior of a narcissist, but children are more vulnerable. A narcissist who commits abuse on a child feels powerful because they feel they can control the victim while thumbing their nose at society and its laws.

What Does a Narcissist Want in Bed?

Narcissists are absolutely misogynists. They hold women in contempt; they both loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them by humiliating them or by withholding intercourse from them. They have ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act. Generally, it is a means to an end and the act itself is meaningless and provides no emotional connections.

The Somatic Narcissist and Sex

The somatic narcissist resorts to serial conquests; his bed partners are considered by him to be mere objects – sources of narcissistic supply. It is through seduction and conquest that the narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic “fix”. He uses making love to conquer and secure new sources of narcissistic supply. For the narcissist, sex is a mechanical act, devoid of intimacy and commitment. He rarely gets emotionally-involved with his “targets” as he will need to move on to get new sources of narcissistic supply. He then indiscriminately engages in making love with multiple partners.

He will explain that his other bed partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he is merely taking advantage of them. He insists they do not constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his spouse. In his mind, there is a clear distinction between the “woman of his life” (a saint) and the ones that he is having love with. With the exception of the meaningful women in his life (all saints), he tends to view all other females in a negative light.

The Cerebral Narcissist and Sex

There is another very different type of narcissist. The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is demeaning and degrading. He feels that acting on one’s libido drive is a primitive and common impulse. The cerebral narcissist tells himself that he is above all that, endowed as he is with superior intellect and superior self-control. The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and prefers “to take matters in his own hand” or emotionless intercourse (such as going to prostitutes). The Cerebral Narcissist could also potentially withhold sex from you.

Surprisingly, he also has bouts of sexual hyperactivity in which he frequently changes bed partners and regards them simply as objects. However, the hyper appears mainly after significant narcissistic crises. A painful divorce or financial turmoil, and the cerebral narcissist quickly concludes that the “old solutions” (intellectual) no longer work.

Sexis convenient and a fantastic source of narcissistic supply: it is immediate, partners are interchangeable, it is comprehensive (it includes all the aspects of the narcissist’s being), as well as being highly charged, adventurous, and pleasurable. After a life crisis, the cerebral narcissist is likely to be highly involved in sensual activities – excessively and almost to the exclusion of everything else.

As the memories of the crisis fade, he abruptly loses interest in this and in all his partners. The frequency of his sexual activities declines from several times a day to a few times a year. He reverts to intellectual pursuits, sports, politics, voluntary activities – anything but sex. Making love becomes an obligation, a maintenance chore reluctantly undertaken only to preserve his sources of supply (like family or household).

The cerebral narcissist then minimizes all types of intercourse with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, and friends) whether it is sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself to the minimum of exchanges and isolates himself socially. Eventually, he really is left alone by everyone, with no secondary sources of supply.

He begins a quest to find new sources and he again embarks on ego-mending bouts of lovemaking, ending with the selection of a mate. Then the cycle starts all over again: a sharp decline in sexual activity, then emotional detachment leading to abandonment.

For both types of narcissists, it is a tool used simply to increase the number of sources of narcissistic supply. If it is the most effective tool in their toolbox, they make excessive use of it. If the narcissists cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, or attention by any other means (e.g., intellectually) –they resort to sex.

Sexual Abuse by Narcissists

Narcissists have a strong tendency to abuse a partner. Their partner’s own sex preferences will be ignored, banned, or twisted. Here are some common abusive behaviors:

  • They will prohibit their partners from self-love under the threat of punishment.
  • If their partner does m********e, they will ask to watch and say it is only so they can ‘learn to please” their partner.
  • They will insist that their mate watch “sex movies” although the mate doesn’t usually do that.
  • Sensual gratification is only to reassure the narcissists that they are good lovers.
  • The narcissist pretends that bedding is for the partner but is after her/his gratification only.
  • Their partner’s past will be torn apart or thrown in their face during, or after, the relationship.
  • The narcissist revels in telling their partner all about their past and that he or she will never measure up to their other lovers.
  • The narcissist may freeze their partner out of making love altogether while calling them a nymphomaniac.
  • The narcissist instigates sex (like telling erotic things and sending pictures or emails which are sensual) but then decides at the last minute that nothing is to take place or they have changed their minds.
  • The partner feels humiliated and yet the narcissist claims that (s)he has been humiliated.
  • The narcissist does not care if their mate gets hurt physically and/or emotionally and may even enjoy it when their mate gets hurt.
  • The narcissist instigates and turns everything into a sensual game.
  • The narcissist says their partners are having relations with others, although it is the narcissist that has a strong tendency to flirt with others and to be unfaithful.
  • The narcissist makes fun of their partner’s sensuality or body in front of others.
  • The narcissist has to try out everything possible (positions, toys, etc).
  • The narcissist is an exhibitionist and will want intercourse in public and/or dress inappropriately (tight clothes without a bra or jock strap) and says it was an accident
  • The narcissist will send pictures of their body parts wanting to know how they rate. They will insist their partner send pictures for them to rate.
the narcissist and sex