Having an Affair With a Married Narcsissist

Q: What if you are having an affair with a married person who has NPD? This seems like it could be a pretty common situation, and one that a person would try to avoid. I’d like to hear what you have to say about affairs with married narcissists. Thanks! Wonderful insights in your writing – irresistible subject.

A: Married (and unmarried) NPD people are prone to having many affairs. The affair will last as long as you have value to him or her; be forewarned–the devaluation phase will be hurtful. They frequently discard the extramarital affair on a whim, often with no explanation. As they only care about their own needs, married or unmarried doesn’t change things much for them. They will promise you the moon (and probably say they are going to leave their wives or husbands but chances are they will not) but deliver only heartache. If an individual is just looking for a brief, exciting affair and is fine with being dumped unceremoniously, then he or she probably has a good chance of meeting with success. All “relationships” with NPD individuals should be avoided, whether they are affairs or the façade of something more.

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  • Hi Alex,
    I am currently undergoing a separation from a person whom I felt emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive and when I read your article in search for mind games. It shocked me as I realized that I am dealing with Narcissistic behavior. It’s almost 3 months now that both of our lawyer exchange letters and my husband comes out with something all the time. Your article helps me a lot knowing I could actually relate to all the games and learning what type of behavior I am dealing right now. thanks a lot!

  • if you have an affair with a married person, it’s pretty much a guarantee that said person is a narcissist. Only a narcissist would think the rules of marriage don’t apply to him/her, and most likely they had their fingers crossed while saying their vows.

    That being said, I think anyone who ENGAGES in an affair with a married man/woman is also very narcissistic. Who else would think they have the right to interfere in the lives of innocent wives/husbands and children other than the character-disturbed? Selfish, egocentric narcissists!

      • You must admit that even if they are not full blown, ppl that engage in affairs have some n qualities at the very least.

    • I have been married to a narcissistfor over 16 yearsand Iwas just made aware of NPD 4 weeks ago. My life married has gone through every possible phase of pain from deception. The character of a man that feeds the ego of young unsuspecting women doesn’t subside with age.the youngerthe victim the greater the effort to channel them into his world. I see now what I was not ableto see before. Yet, I still wonder what does it take to haveall the traits of Satan and yet maintain their composure and stance that It doesn’t matter what they do God will take care of them. It appears they always come out on top? I don’t get that part.

    • You obviously have never been with a seductive married narcissist..and also you being the co dependent..as well.easy to condemn others ..until you walk in their shoes

      • Dealing with this for 8 months. It’s so hard. We are both married but he tried to hid it…as well as having 5 children. He is also Mormon, which keeps making me think there has got to be some good….but the truth is that I felt he was souled early on but did not want to bribe he could be so different than the nice guy who adored me way too quickly. Trying to move on but we work together and it has been cyclical. Takes all I have to function right now.

        • Question? Does anyone have experience or know if married narcs perform the same antics to their wives as they do with their affair partners? Or are they on their best behavior at home? Mine is so secretive.

          • Great question and I’m curious about the same. Although the Narc I knew was married to a psychologist. Go figure! From what he told me, he played the role of perfect dad and husband but then again, he lied a lot so who knows!

          • not typically. Wives are saintly, the hundreds of other women are just “c—s”, as I have heard him say. Not sure how the wife is oblivious, but he is extremely secretive and she appears to have no clue.

    • Absolutely ! And if proven to be then innocent should not be suffering desperate from ther children and if that were already happening why should it be disregarded as it’s selfish and all lies how to treat a narc stay away

  • Listen to the professional when he says “All “relationships” with NPD individuals should be avoided, whether they are affairs or the façade of something more.” If you are considering entering into a relationship with a narcissis, married or otherwise, you risk caring for or worse loving this person which will bring you great disappointment n pain. These individuals are Frankenstein’s only that monster had compassionate traits. Narcisists DO NOT! They imitate, they are chameleons to you until they masterfully have entrapped you. Once sure of this, they begin to tortue in subtle manners and snarky comments that in the end is no different than tearing the wings from a butterfly. It is a game. They give and take, give and take and remain quite secretive intentionally. Once you realize their broken and expose their lies and deceit, they can’t not to appear perfect, they begin to line up a replacement victim or victims. Your replacement. I broke off with the narcisist that stole 2-1/2 years of my life to only to realize he had been lining someone else up to replace me. He used the exact mode of operation to hook her in too.

    • You said this so well, Paris. They have zero compassion and once you are wise to their lies and who they TRULY are, they have no use for you. They only want to be around someone who is fooled into thinking they are wonderful. So they start lining someone else up and then suddenly, all those vows of loving you and a future together–they vanish with him. He no longer has any use for you. He disappears and you wonderful what happened to you during those two plus years that you totally wasted on this nightmare of a person. You wonder how long it will take for the next woman to realize; how much will she suffer as you did? All of this is so hard.

    • I had the same thing happen to me. While we were attempting to reconcile, I caught wind that my wife had been man hunting on Facebook a few months before I filed for divorce…Upon her being served, she called me and left several voice messages of heavy grieving and sobbing and telling me she never dated another man…I was served with an erroneous Restraining Order nine days after filing for divorce…Two days after that, a Facebook friend posted a picture of my wife at a social gathering with her arms wrapped around the guy I was told she was flirting with with on Facebook…These people need to be avoided at all costs…know the signs before your life is destroyed like mine…and by the way…my marriage to this woman started out as an affair…These people are completely heartless and will make your life a living hell…

      • How are you feeling now? When you married your affair partner did you think it would be different? I certainly did. I thought what we had was special and we would make it work. Everyone told me I could never trust him and they were right. He went back to his ex after lying to me for months.

      • My wife had an affair stranger stay at our house with 3 children he stole our car made out she was having an affair with my brother when she was with a locomotive crack dealer who was her other affair and my brother is in jail now after being stabbed in well not my house but now there house after they got him drunk and attacked him whilst my children was in bed they made out they got attacked he was nearly killed from behind back of head used to have an deer ornament in my kitchen I know it got stuck in his head and quickly moved house claiming innocence hope it all untangles as it’s not just adults suffering with these narcissists kids can’t grow up thinking it’s right long time before I had any drama around blamed on me and my family and even though blind at the time to a lot learned why they blame you shame to my wife baby mum my 2 yr son is called chase and your advised to leave the chase with a narcassist because they are fake pick ur self up and they will stand out bless you all x

  • They are incapable of loving, truly loving someone. They merely go through motions. When they give, it is as if it was textbook learned, not from the heart and soul. Do not go there married or not, NPD individuals is like asking someone to give you cancer! Run Toto Run!!!!

  • This is a disaster multiplied by 2. First of all any affair is the signal that the basic relationship is in serious trouble. Secondly, being involved with a person with NPD is the second bad situation. Either one on its own will put you into a precarious situation. The two together will turn you into an emotional basket case. You may turn to drugs, alcohol and then end up in years of therapy.
    If you do this, you are entering a world that is so far from reality, it is going to make you head spin.
    There is nothing in this situation that gives proper grounding with any type of moral normality. You are entering a 24hr a day world of lies,deceipt and treachery………they you will be thrown out like old clothes that are out of style.

    • This but I never got therapy even though I told my MN I was and he laughed at me! He was telling everyone that I was suicidal over him and that I needed therapy. Hey, it made him look like a winner and it made him feel better about his lonely empty self. What an ego trip he gave HIMSELF believing the lie that I was so in love with him that he made me suicidal. He got off on that idea big time and wouldn’t let it down. Reality? I wanted to go to therapy because I became homicidal…not suicidal lol! I swore to god I was going to kill this b*****d. I prayed constantly and went to church to help me and it has worked. I was better than that and he wasn’t worth a bullet. God saved my life and his!

  • Okay, she is using you for your money. Trying to state this without being rude, but you must have blinders on. The first time she gave your son the silent treatment you should have tossed her to the road. She is manipulating you to get material things. Those things do not bring happiness. I sure hope you know that by now. You have bought her a lot of nice stuff and then she repays you by having affairs. Who cares if she is pretty or a ballerina, move on. You are not a spring chicken stop wasting your time with this women. You have a son you need to focus on. He is your flesh and blood and you his father, be a role model and do not let him see a women disrespecting you. Move on, let her go. You letting her sign on your house, big mistake. You odviously are a well off man, you never heard of a pre-nup? Trust me women will take you to the cleaners. Looks are not everything, it’s what is inside that matters. Find someone who loves you for you and not your money and never fall for a women who would treat your son bad because if you do you are just as much at fault. Hope you find peace but geez get AWAY from her unless you want to give her all your money,
    surely you have worked hard to get where you are do not let a selfish women destroy your best egg. 4,000 on a purse, really? Do you know how many hungry kids you can feed with that? She is selfish and should be ashamed of her actions. Sick women.

  • I had an affair with a married narcissist. I don’t even know how it happened… I tried pushing him away upon finding out but he was persistent. hr would not leave me alone. I caved in. 2 months later I had a conversation with him. I always felt guilty and said it was bad. the narcissist said he felt no guilt. it was what he enjoyed doing. he said he did not feel bad that adultery tears families apart. he would always compare himself to my previous boyfriends. he had make it a point to be better than them and he wanted me to acknowledge that. he had always cheated on his spouses. he thought that was common behaviour. he said everyone did it and he was the only one honest enough. he hated being alone and always looked for new women to entertain him. he said he gets bored easily. he said marriage was just like any other relationship. it was weird. now when I think of him I just remember this vacant look in his eyes. I can’t recall ever seeing him truely sad or remorseful. even when I was crying he would just there. unsympathetic. he would say his wife is boring and that he only married her to make her happy. it was all weird. I finally left him and deeply regret my association with him. I’d apologies to his wife if I could and advise her to get away.

    • Deelee,

      This sounds so similar to me situation. I’m still not sure whether he is a narcissist or not. He was married. He pursued me for a whole year and somehow I caved into him. I guess he love-bombed me. He would say such nice things, make me feel attractive and desirable. We had started an affair which lasted to years and I guess has only just ended because in October I found out he was seeing another woman and was sleeping with her as well. He knew I had developed feelings for him.
      He decided in May to leave his wife because he was bored with her. When I confronted him about the new woman (I found out because he was texting her while he sat next to me!) he admitted he had been seeing her since April but had only been sleeping with her since mid September.
      He used the same tactics on her as me, I know -invited her to coffees, which turned to lunches before arranging to sleep with her. Guess he was making sure of the new target before reducing contact with me. Although I told him to concentrate on his new woman after I found out, he said he still wanted to see me. May be he wasn’t sure of her yet.
      I asked him why he had married his wife – he said he felt sorry for her because she was being abused by her ex husband. I asked him why he had gone after this new woman. He said she was nice, pretty, intelligent, but it was complicated as she is married and there are kids involved. So he has deliberately targeted a woman despite knowing she is married.
      He said he has treated me like s**t, but has never said sorry. He has moved out of his marital home while his divorce is going through. I feel sorry for his wife because she has been diagnosed with breast cancer and he decided to leave her when she needed him. He even told me it would have been easier for him if her diagnosis had been terminal. I really was shocked.

      Like with your MN, my married man has never shown any real remorse at how he has treated his wife, or me.

      This has been a painful episode

  • do married narcs pull the same antics with their wives as they do their affair partners? We are both married. Not he is Mormon and hid the fact he has a wife and give kids. He has done the push and pull with me for eight months and I wish i did not have feelings. I keep expecting the charm to come back. Ridiculous I know. Be to make things worse we work together. I have a great husband and lo and I still find myself hanging on narcs every word. In the same week he says we need to move on and then tells me he has been thinking about me s lot. This is affecting my health and fam but I find it terrifying to let him go. I think I need a different therapist who deals with this. Any Advce? I am educated and come from a good fam. How did I get here?

  • SOS, yes they do but they are actually more hurtful to their primary supply (spouse). I never saw my MN yell, rage or become abusive until I confronted his wife in front of him at the end. But, a week prior to the rage episode, I was contacting his wife and we exchanged our experiences with her husband. She knew he was with me one night because he purposely called her and left his phone recording us laughing and talking. He even said it recorded us having sex but I doubt that. Behind the scenes and me not knowing at the time, it was a huge issue in their household. I guess my name was brought up constantly. I was the one that was kept in the dark. He just kept on telling me how insecure and jealous she is and that she won’t allow him to do anything. He portrayed her as this controlling monster while playing sweet and nice to me. However, I knew through his FB activity that he always appeared to be interacting or liking these young rather sexually suggested women. He comes across as so preppy and shy but I think he’s really a deviant narcissistic player! His wife confirmed that he cheated on her in the past and it’s common practice that she throws him out of the house. Both had said peculiar comments that led me to believe he has NPD or Narcissistic Traits. He’s admitted to going to strip clubs with his buddies. The last time I hung out with her husband, he had the balls to bring along one of his married good buddies! Even more strange, I guess while I was intoxicated and being silly, his friend videotaped me on his cell phone and sent it to my MN’s phone in which he showed his wife! So, now I have my MN’s wife texting me s**t shaming me for being drunk with her husband. So, this is when I realized what triangulation was! Married Narc’s purposely LOVE to get their wives jealous and when she gets upset and ready to throw him out, he begs and love bombs until he gets his way. Remember, all Narcs get their way and will always win. So to answer the question, yes. Married Narcs pull the same antics with their wives but they are slightly more sinister than what they do to us. We might get the ol’ devalue, discard and silent treatment, the same cycle the wife gets. However, at least we are not married to them!

  • I can totally relate to your Narchole. I had an affair (online) with a married man. He openly admitted he’d always cheated on his wife (over 15 years). His most recent adventures have always been with much younger single girls – bar girls, strippers, naked masseaus…you get my drift. I too am married and I got sucked in saying it was different with me. One night his wife told him to *f* off and so he stayed at a fancy hotel. He messaged me late but I was asleep and didn’t respond so he then contacted his more recent fling and she spent the night with him.

    One day he would tell me his wife is conservative in bed then he would tell me she plays with toys and watches p**n. He would complain she is controlling and he’s paranoid about getting caught. One wild night out he hooked up with a much younger topless waitress and sent me a pic. I realised they started following each other on social media and had an argument about this and asked him if he’s worried about getting caught why would he do such a thing. Also asked him why he would want someone like that see pics of his wife and kids!

    Now I realise he probably does it to make her crazy and jealous. Out of curiosity I looked at who he follows and there are so many strippers, young girls etc. I’m ashamed that he disappeared after that for a while but then I took him back!

    No contact now for 3 weeks and feeling good.

  • I became ‘friends’ with a married narcissist for about a year. We chatted online for most of the time, with breaks in between due to him pursuing other women, generally much younger single women. He admitted to cheating on his wife all along, while engaged over the 15 years or so. His excuse ‘life is too short’. He has kids and said he’s very happy but chases the risk and thrill that comes from an affair. I felt sorry for him – he appeared to be a devoted husband and father who spends a lot of time at home. He had me believe he was misunderstood. He also had me believe that I was a friend and different to the young girls he had sex with – as with them it was just sex but we spent a lot of time chatting. What a fool I was! He got his kicks / supply from my vulnerability and putting up with his lies and excuses and giving him all the attention. I would even tell him this. He was a text book Narc – love bombing, silent treatment, then back again. The only thing I never experienced was rage and he was always complimentary of me. Also, even from the start, he never made that much time for me – he was routine with his messages and he wouldn’t respond to mine quickly, using his busy work schedule as an excuse. Occassionally, he would send me a message at an odd time or a few days in a row which threw me off. I was always eager to quickly respond, supplying him with his much needed fuel.

    I really do feel bad for his wife. I don’t understand how she doesn’t know what he’s up to.

    Last time we chatted was 3 weeks ago where he pretended he wanted to meet (heard that one before). I showed an unemotional eagerness but said it’s ok if we don’t. Also told him I’m not going to wait forever. I could sense he was annoyed with me that night and haven’t heard from him since. And unlike my past behaviour, I too haven’t sent him any messages so I know it’s over for good. Relief!

  • Oh my goodness, get out of that! My ex-wife, I believe, is a narcissist. She had an affair while she was 2 months pregnant with our son….then left me at 6 months pregnant. Anyhow, it has been a freaking nightmare. My son is a blessing from God, but dealing with her has been a nightmare. She was amazing when we were dating and first got married…then this person that shocked my entire family and all my friends came out. Now she is vindictive and honestly, makes up the craziest stuff about me. 1) While I have personal feeling you should not be in a relationship with a married person, so you should stop that and end it, 2) on the basis alone that they are a narcissist get out now. I am overly aware now, and at any sign of crazy I bolt.

  • I don’t know if my story is relevant. Maybe it is. He is a famous author.We started texting after him reading one of my reviews back at Christmas. We don’t live in the same city so after our texting became non stop almost 24/7. we spent 2 weekends together too.We talked about everything, he told me everything about his life.He has two children.He told me there is distance between him and his wife after 20 years of marriage but no arguments or tension at home.But at that point he wasnt ready to leave home financially or socially, he is 50 too. but he wanted us to continue and made plans for Easter holidays and later.At Easter he spent more time with his family and then one day while talking on the phone when I asked him where we stand he told me it’s very difficult and he doesn’t know when we could meet again and now that he finished the new book he hasn’t got many opportunities to be in his study to be texting to me or that his daughted has picked up some signs etc.So I asked him if he made a decision or we re good and we re moving on and he said no decisions are made we re just talking about how things are.and then the line went dead and that was it.He disappeared for 2 weeks when he texted happy month I didn’t reply to it (he had disappeared again for a few days before Easter and he had promised not to do it again) and after 2 weeks have a nice week with joy etc.So I replied that these casual texts are meaningless and if he wanted to tell me something meaningful or explain what has happened all this time he has disappeared he should call and talk. He replied that he doesn’t understand what I find meaningless and that he texted because he cared and that he understands that there are obviously some boundaries I can’t cross. I didn’t understand so called him to clarify things.He never picked up my calls.It’s been three weeks. What happened?Why isn’t he explaining?Why disappearing and then texting casually or replying with texts I don’t understand?Which boundaries can’t I cross?What does he want?

  • I’m having an affair with a married man. My own marriage is in tatters, we have separate bedrooms, but I cant leave due to financial reasons and my husbands mental issues. Solicitor told me I have to stay. I met my lover a year ago online. He’s in a similar situation as me, separate bedrooms and his wife also has mental issues. She never liked sex and I believe him. We speak or email every single day and meet for overnights every few weeks, and for lunch whenever we can. He has told me that he doesn’t have feelings for anybody but if he were to love anybody, I’m the one. I really do feel that he cares for me a lot and does lovely special things for me. We have an incredible sex life together. When I tell him I love him, he usually replies with “I know you do” and sometimes ” I love you too in my own way”. I hurt when he says this, but I’m a great believer in “showing”, not just “telling”. He never pressurised me to sleep with him, we didn’t do that until 3 months into our relationship and it was my suggestion. What worries me is that he says he was diagnosed as being a narcissist by a sex therapist when he was first married. When he told me that, I was ready to run, but I didn’t. He is a good man, he takes care of his elderly parents, he does everything for his wife, she does nothing around the house as she suffers from lupus and by all accounts seems to milk it. He says he’s with me for the long haul and has no intention of going anywhere but I sometimes have the niggling feelings that maybe there are other women. ???? I know that he will never leave his wife.

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