9 Reasons Why You Keep Attracting Narcissists

Have you ever wondered why you keep ending up with Narcissists? One time can be bad luck, but the second or even the third time?

If you happen to keep attracting Narcissists, it probably has nothing to do with bad luck.

The short explanation is that Narcissists search for what they lack: empathy. That is why Empaths and Narcissists often start dating each other.

Here are nine reasons why you keep attracting those Narcissists. 

#1 Low Self-Esteem

If you struggle with low self-esteem, you might unwittingly attract narcissists who can exploit your insecurities to their advantage.

The reasons for this attraction can be complex and multifaceted. You may find yourself tolerating narcissistic behavior because you don’t believe you deserve better or think you can find someone more respectful.

Your insecurities can serve as a feeding ground for narcissists, who thrive on belittling others to elevate themselves. 

You should know it’s not your fault for falling into such a situation. It’s the narcissist who takes advantage of your vulnerabilities. However, you can take steps to build your self-esteem and break this cycle.

#2 Empathetic Nature

While boosting your self-esteem can help deter narcissists, your empathetic nature can, unfortunately, draw them in.

Narcissists are often drawn to empaths because your understanding and sensitivity provide the attention they crave.

Your empathy makes you inherently caring, always willing to lend an ear or shoulder. You’re there to console them, to applaud their achievements, and to cushion their failures. This attention is irresistible to narcissists, as it feeds their need for validation and admiration.

Your empathetic nature also makes it easier for narcissists to manipulate you. They can play on your emotions, knowing you’ll likely respond with understanding and forgiveness, even when they’re at fault.

This can create a cycle where they continually take advantage of your empathy, knowing you’ll always be there to pick up the pieces.

#3 People-Pleasing Tendencies

Your tendency to please others can make you particularly attractive to narcissists. As a people-pleaser, you always go above and beyond to make others happy and comfortable.

This is a quality that narcissists find irresistible. They’re drawn to your willingness to prioritize their needs and desires, often at your expense.

You’re always there to lend an ear, offer support, or do whatever it takes to make them feel good.

You’re the one they can rely on to boost their ego, and they know you’ll rarely say no.

This is because you equate your self-worth with how much you can do for others, and narcissists, being self-centered and exploitative, take full advantage of this.

#4 Conflict Avoidance

By avoiding conflict, you might inadvertently attract narcissists who see this as an opportunity to dominate the relationship without resistance.

You might think that steering clear of disagreements keeps the peace, but it can also leave room for a narcissist to step in and take control.

Narcissists thrive on power and control, and if you’re not standing up for yourself, they’ll gladly take the reins.

They regard your conflict avoidance as a green light to impose their will, knowing you’re less likely to push back. This isn’t a healthy dynamic; it’s an imbalance that can drain you emotionally.

#5 Lack of Boundaries

Just as avoiding conflict can inadvertently attract narcissists, an absence of strong boundaries presents another opportunity for these individuals to seize control.

You might think you’re accommodating by letting things slide or not making a fuss. Yet, by doing so, you’re enabling a narcissist’s self-centered behavior.

Consider the following scenario: you’re always available whenever they call, you continually forgive their mistakes, and you put their needs above yours.

To a narcissist, this sends a clear message that they can treat you however they want, without any consequences.

Narcissists are often disrespectful of others’ boundaries. They may see your flexibility as a weakness to exploit. If you don’t assert your needs or stand up for yourself, they may take advantage and push even further.

#6 Past Trauma or Abuse

Often, individuals who’ve experienced past trauma or abuse might find themselves unconsciously drawn to narcissistic individuals.

This attraction can stem from deeply ingrained patterns of behavior learned during periods of emotional distress. If you’ve endured such experiences, understanding how they may influence your relationships is worthwhile.

Past traumas can make you more susceptible to the manipulative tactics narcissists often use.

This susceptibility comes from wanting to recreate your past and hoping for a different outcome – a psychological phenomenon called repetition compulsion.

You may unknowingly try to ‘fix’ your past by seeking partners who embody the characteristics of those who’ve hurt you.

Your past abuse might’ve conditioned you to associate love with pain, making it difficult for you to recognize healthy relationships.

You might feel drawn to the emotional roller coaster a narcissist offers, finding familiarity in the turmoil.

#7 Desire for Validation

In your pursuit of validation, you might unknowingly attract narcissists who can manipulate this need to their advantage. Narcissists are masters at identifying vulnerabilities; your desire for affirmation can become a magnet for them.

They might initially shower you with the attention you crave, making you feel seen and valued.

However, this often turns out to be a bait-and-switch scenario. Once they’ve hooked you in, they can withhold this validation, using it to control and manipulate you.

This doesn’t mean seeking validation is inherently wrong. Everyone wants to feel valued and appreciated.

However, when your self-worth becomes entirely dependent on external validation, it can lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics.

#8 Codependency

You may wonder what codependency has to do with attracting narcissists.

Well, codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement. This can manifest in relationships with narcissists quite frequently.

You see, codependent individuals often find themselves in relationships where their needs are secondary to their partners’.

They mistakenly believe they can change their narcissistic partners by providing endless support and love.

This one-sided dynamic allows narcissists to take advantage of the situation, exploiting the codependent person’s willingness to put others before themselves constantly.

Furthermore, codependents often have a fear of rejection, stemming from a deep-rooted belief that they’re not good enough.

This insecurity, coupled with an overwhelming need to be needed, plays right into the hands of narcissists. They swoop in, offering the illusion of love and validation, only to use the codependent individual for their gain.

#9 Fear of Being Alone

While it’s natural to desire companionship, fearing being alone can sometimes lead you into the arms of a narcissist.

This fear of solitude can make you overlook red flags, tolerate toxic behavior, or even justify the narcissist’s actions.

You may compromise your needs and boundaries simply to keep someone by your side. This has a high cost, as it might lead to emotional exhaustion, diminished self-esteem, and entrapment in an unhealthy cycle.

Longing for companionship shouldn’t mean settling for less than you deserve.

Recognizing that being alone isn’t synonymous with being lonely is crucial. It’s better to be single than to be in an abusive relationship. Being alone can provide space for self-discovery, personal growth, and independence.

Before You Go

You’re not doomed to a life filled with narcissists. Understanding your role in attracting them is the first step in breaking this cycle. 

Start by building your self-esteem, setting boundaries, and recognizing unhealthy behaviors.

Remember, your empathetic nature is a strength, not a weakness. You’re deserving of healthy, respectful relationships. Stand tall and prioritize your needs; you’ll soon attract the kind of love you deserve.

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