Calling out a narcissist is pointless. In fact, if I could give you negative points for doing so, I really would. It gets you nowhere fast and leads to the very type of pain and conflict you are trying hard to avoid.
Narcissists have selective hearing, and they will only hear you hurting their pride. The rage that follows will make you wish you never opened your mouth.
So what can you do?
Actually – quite a bit. You have more power than you give yourself current credit for.
Here are 6 beautiful alternatives to calling out a narcissist.
Just Don’t Call Them Out At All
In reality, what good does it do to call out a narcissist? You think you are onto something by putting them in the spotlight, but to the narcissist, it is the wrong kind of spotlight.
They love to be the center of attention, but when calling them out, you show them every single fault they have – and to them this simply cannot do.
After all, they’re perfect, right?
Avoid the destruction and backfiring attempt at calling them out altogether by not doing it.
Avoid Being Unnecessarily Blamed
The narcissist will see you coming with your list of issues you have against them. They will take that list and write your name right next to each one.
The worst part?
They will convince you to believe them – that you are the problem.
That’s after a lot of conflict hurtling your way. They are intent on gaslighting, confusing, and manipulating you into believing everything they say about you is correct.
Understand Yourself Instead – Why Are You A Narc Magnet?
I know it can be hard to believe that you can be a total narc magnet – and knowing you are heightening the risk for you blaming yourself for all the negativity in your life now they’re around.
In truth, you haven’t done anything wrong. Being yourself means elevating your energy upward and seeking to be there for others when they need you. You likely gain a lot of good feelings from being your natural, compassionate self.
Narcissists are drawn to people who latch onto their every word and listen to them. They fall for the ‘woe is me’ stories the narcissist offers, and the narcissist laps it up like a kind of irreplaceable supply.
The Narcissist Likes to Steal a Kind Heart
For you – this means you are perfect for the narcissist. They know they can use their history and tactics to reel you in and get you hooked, potentially for the long-term.
Understanding yourself doesn’t have to mean you change in any way, you’re perfect as you are. What it could look like for you is seeing all the ways you open your heart to the narcissistic personality, and how they creep in time and time again to take advantage of you.
If you can see what part of you is allowing this (albeit subconsciously), you can then begin to consider how boundaries can improve your chances of deflecting them in the future.
Treat the Narcissist as a Neutral Acquaintance
Disengaging with a narcissist means you can completely take away any power they have over your life choices by just refusing to involve them in your successes.
Pull back on the usual validating conversations you have with them (you know the ones – where you end up feeling totally exhausted while they skip away smiling to themselves).
Give Them Nothing
Giving the narcissist the, what we like to call, ‘grey rock’ experience means you react with absolutely nothing. The less emotions that are conveyed, the better it will be for you, and the more you offer nothing, the less the narcissist has to take from you and use for themselves.
Think of your emotions as fuel.
The more you give them, the more they take and use as supply.
Grey rock really works, and not sharing with them means they can’t take what you’re saying and use your words to make you feel even worse.
Imagine going to them feeling sad or disappointed with something, only to be told, “Well, I did think you were jumping above your station by giving that a go. I just didn’t think you’d be up to the task.”
You don’t need to be kicked while you’re down
Go grey rock as much as possible, for your own sanity.
Look for Those with Narcissistic Experience
What does that look like to you?
It’s different for everybody, but on the whole, looking for those with experience in narcissism can look like finding a great therapist who can help you unpack exactly what’s going on right now for you.
It can also look like a friend or family member who knows what the narcissist in your life is really like. You don’t need anybody who tilts their head in uncertainty and says, “Well you know, I don’t think it’s as bad as you’re saying. They seem like a really nice person to me, and have never shown me a reason to not believe who they are presenting themselves to be.”
Steer Clear of Flying Monkeys
Flying Monkeys are people who surround the narcissist and speak up for them if a bad word is muttered. They believe what the narcissist tells them, and responds with support and loyalty.
This can be very infuriating for people like you, who just want somebody to say, “I see what you mean. This must be so hard for you.”
Relationships With Narcissists Go Nowhere – Accept it
It’s time to understand that the relationship with a narcissist is going to go nowhere. What you’re going through isn’t going to change, and it’s the mistake many people make when they give narcissists time to see themselves as people who need to do a lot of self-reflection.
A narcissist will not reflect. The sooner you realize that, the more you can look at your future positively.
Calling the narcissist out, therefore, is futile. Your expectations need to shift so you can understand and accept this seriously.
Build Your Life With Your Hobbies Instead
You deserve to find an alternative way to deal with your urge to call out the narcissist.
If it’s safe, healthy and enriches your life somehow – we say go for it.
What can this be for you? Well, I bet you don’t look at your own wants and needs enough even to give it a second thought, but now is the time to do so.
Use their lack of accountability to work in your favor by building your hobbies up. Take yourself to a yoga class or on a nice walk when you feel like having one of ‘those’ conversations with the narcissist.
This is called putting yourself first.
