If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you might have begun to notice that they don’t always keep their promises. They might also show hot and cold behavior, loving you one moment and being disgusted with you the next.
This behavior can come across as quite confusing, and you might wonder what is really going on inside the narcissist’s head.
It turns out that behind their haughty outward behavior, the narcissist lives a secret life. There are parts of them they don’t want you to know about. They may even be living a different life behind your back.
If this sounds familiar, the information below will likely interest you.
Who the Narcissist is Behind Closed Doors
In public, the narcissist is charismatic, gregarious, and the life of the party. Being with them can feel exhilarating because they are so attractive and social.
However, underneath this charming facade, the narcissist is someone else entirely. Their internal world deviates significantly from what they present on the outside.
Their behind-the-scenes behavior will likely shock you as well. Take a look at the secrets the narcissist is hiding, below.
Fragile Self-Esteem
The narcissist presents themselves as confident, authoritative, and successful. Behind this outward presentation, the narcissist has a fragile ego.
This is why they put so much effort into appearing superior. They must create the illusion of being self-assured and on top of their game, to hide their internal insecurities.
When they aren’t in the public eye, boasting about their achievements or working the room, they secretly worry that they aren’t good enough.
Given the narcissist’s insecurities, just one negative comment, or even the slightest display of disrespect, can wound their ego, sending them into a state of rage. Underneath it all, they feel small, unworthy, and completely unsure of themselves.
Questionable Online Activities
It’s not uncommon for people who have been with a narcissist to report that they discovered their partner cheating online. Some even find their narcissistic mate on dating apps, or seeking out sexual experiences.
This occurs because the narcissist has an insatiable need for attention and admiration. Unfortunately, a monogamous relationship is rarely enough to satisfy the narcissist’s needs.
So, they turn to social media or dating platforms to satisfy their urges. You might discover that the narcissist is romancing others online, pretending as if they are single and seeking a relationship.
Perhaps you find them sending seductive photos online or through text messaging, relishing in the compliments they receive in return.
Secret Relationships
This isn’t always the case, but sometimes, partners of narcissists find their mates engaging in a secret relationship behind their backs. In some instances, the narcissist may have several relationships at once, keeping each person secret from the others.
Similar to their secret online life, narcissists keeps up multiple relationships to feed their ego. A narcissist must have several sources of narcissistic supply to maintain their self-esteem.
The various partners in their life allow the narcissist to get the attention and admiration they need to maintain a positive self-image. Unlike a non-narcissistic person, they won’t feel any sense of guilt or remorse about their infidelity.
Narcissists lack empathy for others’ emotional experiences, so they won’t care that their unfaithfulness could potentially hurt you. You can also be sure that if they get caught, they won’t take any accountability for their actions. Instead, they’ll blame you.
Emotional Turmoil
Underneath the surface, the narcissist struggles with significant emotional turmoil. They may present themselves as confident, assertive, and superior to those around them. However, this is a cover up for what’s really going on inside.
Internally, the narcissist is highly self-critical. They can oscillate between positive and negative self-esteem pretty quickly. After all, their entire psyche depends upon external validation, so it’s vulnerable to collapse.
The narcissist wants you to believe that they have it all together. They’ll try to maintain a tough exterior, convincing you that they simply do not allow themselves to fall victim to hurt feelings or other emotions they perceive as weak.
In reality, the narcissist is emotionally quite weak. Unable to create their own positive self-concept, they rely on others to do it for them. When they’re not getting the praise they need to survive, their entire system begins to break down.
Extreme Fear of Abandonment
The controlling behaviors a narcissist shows in a relationship are a result of their abandonment fears. Their fragile self-esteem leaves them convinced that their partner will one day walk out on them.
As such, they must use narcissistic games to maintain control over their partner. This involves belittling and insults to make the partner feel as if they are beneath the narcissist and lucky to have the narcissist in their life.
The narcissist will also gaslight, telling the partner he or she is simply too sensitive. Or, they may try to convince their partner that they are crazy and remembering things incorrectly.
These games are all a cover up for the narcissist’s fear of abandonment. They must maintain control, lest you leave them.
How to Uncover the Narcissist’s Secrets
If you think you might be dealing with a narcissist, there are ways to unmask their secret life. The strategies below are often helpful.
Watch for Their Patterns
If you watch closely, you will notice the narcissist’s patterns. They may shower you with compliments for a few days, only to become irritable a few days later.
You’ll be left confused, because just a few days ago, you were their perfect partner. Now, they’re criticizing your every move.
The sudden shift can indicate that they are giving attention elsewhere, or they might be projecting their own insecurities onto you.
Once you can identify these patterns, you can be pretty sure that you’re dealing with a narcissist who is hiding their dark side.
Set Boundaries
Narcissists don’t like boundaries. They expect you to meet their needs and automatically comply with their demands.
If you set a boundary they don’t like, you can be sure their true colors will come out. Try telling them you’re too busy to hang out, or that you can’t help them with the project they dumped on you at the last minute.
They’ll probably lash out in anger, and they may even come clean about whomever they’re seeing behind your back, just to hurt you.
Look for Other Signs of Narcissistic Behavior
Once you identify clear signs of narcissistic behavior, you can be pretty certain that you’re dealing with a narcissist. Then, logically, you’ll also know that they probably have a secret life behind your back.
Here are some signs to watch out for:
- Always needing to be the center of attention
- Presenting themselves as superior to others
- Rushing into a relationship and making endless promises, only to never follow through
- Being demanding of your time and attention
- Showing self-centeredness and being unwilling to consider the needs of others
The Bottom Line
Narcissists have secrets they don’t want you to know. Rather than showing vulnerability about their low self-esteem and fragile egos, they want you to believe they are confident, capable, and self-assured.
Once you know the signs of narcissistic personality disorder, you’ll know the truth. The narcissist’s exterior is just a mask, hiding the life they live in secret.
