One of the things I like to know I’m offering to you, are the important tools necessary for navigating life with a narcissist. I don’t want to throw information at you and walk away, so this topic is one of the most interesting questions I am often asked:
Is it possible to let other people know that someone is a narcissist?
Family, friend or co-worker – it doesn’t matter who the narcissist in question is but can you point them out?
Well – technically you can do anything you want to!
BUT…
There are ways to do it that don’t make you look like the crazy one.
Here’s how.
Pointing Out a Narcissist is Hard Work – Prepare!
Trying to show other people the narcissistic qualities in that certain person can sometimes make you look like ‘the’ bad person.
Are you trying to cause a problem? Are you trying to start a fight? Do you enjoy drama or conflict? Prepare for these views to be unwittingly bestowed upon you the second you feel like blurting out every negative or toxic aspect of the narcissist.
Resistance Will Be Strong
All the while you’ve been picking up on the signs and noticing these traits in a narcissist, other people have been given the same time to build up a stronger, more positive view of them.
Any chance you get to point out the fact that they actually aren’t who they say they are, or appear to be, you are going to be looked upon as the narcissist probably.
And guess who will love every minute of it?
The actual narcissist!
If only others could see Themselves, right?
I do understand it. If someone is creating all kinds of problems in your life, and even the lives of others, you want to hold that giant mirror up to the narcissist and say, “Guess what, everyone? Here is the cause of your problem!”
If it were that easy, I’d say go for it, but unfortunately many people are shrouded by the artificial veil the narcissist places on them. They like the narcissist. They’re a good person. They’re charming. They have a presence that isn’t like anybody else’s.
They are who they are.
It’s so frustrating when you feel like the only one who can see the snake lying in the grass, and you want to warn people before they get bitten.
Epic Fails Are Possible!
Now for the not-so-fun part:
It is very possible to sink into an epic fail when you begin to unravel what you’ve learned about a person with narcissistic traits.
I get it. You want to scream. You want to shout and tell the world, “This person is a narcissist! Stay away from them!”
Where does that get you? Well of course, not very far.
You may feel so strongly about the subject that you want to warn others, so you need to understand that there are ways to do it, and ways to hinder your own reputation if you get it wrong.
How You Really Point a Narcissist Out
Here’s the thing.
You don’t.
I know that seems counter-intuitive but:
You don’t.
Do not even think about telling the world your thoughts when you can kind of let the mess unfold for itself.
Pull Back and Watch the Dynamics Shift
As you retreat from the dynamics, the entire puzzle will shift into an alternative image that doesn’t contain you.
What does this mean for the narcissist?
Without your supply in the picture, the narcissist will look for its next victim. If they can’t get under your skin, they will get under the skin of another, leaving everybody wide open to see what’s going on.
Let the narcissist’s behavior speak for itself.
A Once-Enabler Turns into The Enlightened One
Now what you will see is the potential for someone who once stood up for the narcissist and perhaps even enabled them from time to time to suddenly go from supporting to being the one being emotionally and mentally dumped on.
The smile will fade, as they slowly watch the mask of the narcissist slip. Maybe just once or twice, and very subtly at first, but it will be enough for them to see – you were right all along.
Check in Time
This will be supported heavily with you stepping in and asking them if they’re okay after what might be an altercation or a moment where the narcissist was able to rile up their new supply.
You spot it, ask after them, and plant the seed that you know what it’s like, because you’ve been there before yourself.
The Seed Will Grow
The seed, once planted, will grow into larger and larger doubts the new person on the receiving end will have about the narcissist.
Your work is done, after you reach out and say how much you understand the frustration behind being criticized or embarrassed or mocked the way there just were.
You see, this is an opportunity for the attitude and behavior of the narcissist to speak for themselves. You don’t need to tell anybody anything, and the key to retaining your good name is to plant the idea that the narcissist’s name is the problem.
The Weeds from the Flowers
Understanding that weeds in this world need to be treated is one thing, but sometimes and sadly, it can take time to get that justice.
Time is of the essence. You have to be patient, and instead say, “This relationship is unhealthy for me, so I need to step away from it.”
People might be rude and concerned about what’s really going on—perhaps seeing you as the issue—but the only way they will understand the truth is by living your experiences themselves.
This is, unfortunately, a common consequence of having a narcissist in your life – they do not hurt those who are not in their path. If you step out, someone will be quick to take your place and only then will they start to see the patterns you saw.
As these unfold in the eyes of another, you are letting the narcissist do the talking for you.
Your silence is your weapon.
