The Sadistic Narcissist

Underneath the charismatic façade that the narcissist displays to the world can be an easily angered s****t. Sam Vaknin, author of “Malignant Self-Love”, defines the relationship between narcissism and sadism as psychodynamic ‘cousins’. The narcissist is as capable of meting out pain as any s****t. The reason behind their sadistic acts is what creates the difference. Yes, the narcissist uses torture and abuse but he does so as a means of punishment for perceived slights and, thus, reasserting his sense of superiority. The s****t engages in torture and abuse for the genuine enjoyment of being cruel. The narcissist’s sadism is different from the more infamously known Sexual Sadism (DSM-IV-TR category). Sexual sadism involves deriving sexual pleasure from the suffering or torment of others caused by their acts of torture or abuse. When narcissism is co-morbid with sadism, the individual exhibits all the traits and characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), but in addition, has sadistic tendencies that reinforce the negative behavior of their narcissism. However, there is no sexual pleasure associated with their sadistic acts. Instead, the acts of sadism generate Narcissistic Supply. Sadistic acts are the narcissist’s way to punish those who are not being compliant, admiring or indulgent.

The narcissist must always “win” and they will use any means at their disposal to do so, including torture or abuse. They don’t think twice about causing pain in order to win. Narcissists always cause psychological pain and often physical pain as well. Usually those who are victimized the most are the closest and the most vulnerable: their partner or spouse, their children, siblings, and intimate friends. People often think of sadism between two adults but it is just as common between siblings or when parents beat their scapegoat child. Narcissists leave a wide trail of misery throughout their lifetimes.
The sadistic narcissist gets pleasure and Narcissistic Supply from inflicting psychological and physical pain. They choose their victims carefully in order to achieve the end goal of obtaining Supply. Narcissists choose partners that are compliant, overly dependent, and afraid to live a life independent of the narcissist. They have accepted their role as the narcissist’s spouse or partner as they have been “hooked” by the narcissist’s extravagant personality and grand visions for the future. They idolize the narcissist and dream of sharing their lives with someone who is so confident, successful, and charismatic. Initially, he is magnetic and utterly romantic, making them feel like they are the most important person in the universe.

However, once the narcissist has them firmly hooked and reeled in, the mask starts to fall away, piece by piece, until the partner is subjected to the narcissist’s volcanic rage, unending and outrageous demands, chronic criticisms and humiliations. This dark side of the narcissist not only causes long lasting mental, emotional and physical pain to his partner or children, but he then begins to experience pleasure in watching this meaningful person(s) suffer as the acts become associated with obtaining Narcissistic Supply. These sadistic behaviors become chronic and threaten the psychological and sometimes physical health of those closest to him. Unfortunately, they have paid a terrible price to remain at the narcissist’s side.

Narcissists dispense cruelty. They have no remorse or empathy for other people in their lives and will do anything in order to control them and win at all costs. Common actions are to beat them down, keep them on edge, threaten to leave them without financial resources, and even promise their spouses that they will wrench the children away. They want to be known as capable of anything- that makes them feel omnipotent.

What would cause a narcissist to sadistically abuse someone close to them, a source of Supply-why not just discard them?
According to Sam Vaknin (“Malignant Love”), a narcissist would tend to display his sadistic side under two conditions:

1. That the very acts of sadism generate Narcissistic Supply to be consumed by the narcissist (“I inflict pain, therefore I am superior and omnipotent”), or

2. That the victims of his sadism are still his only or major sources of Narcissistic Supply but are perceived by him to be intentionally frustrating and withholding. Sadistic acts are his way of punishing them for not being docile, obedient, admiring and adoring as he expects them to be in view of his uniqueness, cosmic significance, and special entitlement.

Generally, the narcissist is not a full-blown s****t but because of his rigid personality and lack of empathy he does inflict physical or emotional pain on significant others. With repetition, he learns to enjoy their suffering as it becomes associated with the generation of Narcissistic Supply.

The sadistic narcissist abuses his victims verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically. He destroys their self-esteem, constantly demeans and humiliates, abuses their confidence, may hurt their loved ones, threatens their stability and security, withholds love and sex, and freely criticizes in private and in public.

Not uncommonly, the sadistic narcissist masquerades his sadism as scientific and objective concern. He plays the part of the psychiatrist or the father figure, the only “true” friend, or the experienced mentor. These sadistic acts weaken their victim’s defenses and splits already frayed nerves.

Sadistic narcissists take pleasure in being feared, or even hated, by others. It makes them feel powerful and God-like. They get drunk with power when they see looks of horror or disgust on people’s faces; it makes them feel like other people think the narcissist is capable of anything. This is an asset that the narcissist develops and cherishes. Hate and fear are guaranteed generators of attention. After all, it is always about generating attention (Narcissistic Supply, his drug of choice). Acts of sadism are just one more tool in the narcissist’s toolbox that he will use to gain his needed “fix”.

References

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq56.html
http://www.zimbio.com/Narcissistic+personality+disorder/articles/TP7E-XPwA39/Narcissists+Sadistic+Relationships
http://www.families.com/blog/sadistic-narcissism-a-different-edge-to-narcissism

About Alexander Burgemeester

31 Responses to “The Sadistic Narcissist”

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  1. aimee redding says:

    This is my mother exactly! Growing up with a sadistic NM is like growing up with a terrorist. Nothing was ever good enough.My mother allowed me to be sexually abused and did nothing. My mother remarried a man and they began to scapegoat me. My step dad beat on me physically and did terrible things to me,he hog tied me and put a shot gun in my mouth in front of my friends. Severe abuse by proxy and ambient abuse indeed. It was always made out that everything was and is always my fault. What a heavy load for a child. I am now trying to forgive myself for ever loving my mother…and that is sad within itself. She is dangerous&full of hate.

    • Susy says:

      I think that (from all the research iv explored), you loved your mom caus you were human & innocent child whose strength to allow yourself the life you deserve is in itself–is the best gift of all!!!
      I met a wonderful, compassionate, kind man (& handsome…lol!) but gradually red flags & her public degradation, humiliation & sadistic desire to treat him as you hav described ur sadistic mom’s terrorist mind control as if he is a cinderella slave & (exactly wat uv described…), beat, blamed, forced to lie, isolate & denied access to his finances! If he sees me(who by now after 20 months ,keep my distance due to advice from ppl from trauma that she enjoyed exposing me to watch cripple him to point Of indescribable traumatized frontal hippocampus frontal cortex damage leaving himconfused & somehow obedient although he hates his life & wants to be happy, the control seems to on the edge!? Wanting to be strong yet angry that ,”she beats him down to a 9 year old sad slave trapped! I can’t imagine what a brief encounter with his mom changes him into a puppet obidient slve waiting to “get it rite” so he “won’t loose his fam?!” & they will reward him by giving him access to his SSD check which they take n punish him if he expresses desire to go out! He’s worked 100 hrs all yr & received $17!?!?! Til ,”they c proof that his head’s on straight!?” It’s unbearable & ur fortunate that you broke free!!!!! Any suggestions …

    • Monique says:

      Aimee, I can identify with your pain. I had a similarly terroristic childhood filled with physical and emotional torture after having experienced real love and safety in my grandparents’ home the first 5 years of my life. I too can’t find it in my heart to forgive myself for not only loving her despite all her abuses, betrayals and thefts but for including her in my own family. Of course part of the problem was that in between all the horrors, she would show me glimpses of being a loving mother so that I’d always think, If I do this differently or If I change my appearance she’ll give me some of that love again. Alcohol played a huge role in my family and as such, I was her drinking buddy for a time. As with all alcoholics, she became viciously offended when I informed her I could no longer drink (at least not like a pig as we had always done before). Ugh, I could go on an on but you get the gist. I hope you can have a nice holiday season as I know this is a difficult time for us children of NMs.

      • Cherice Burch says:

        Any child of a person, I use the word person hesitantly, that is having difficulties forgiving themselves for acts done to them out of their control, needs to seek out a higher power to help with this. A God of your understanding. God will teach you to love yourself enough to forgive yourself. Find God and you will find forgiveness over time. I myself am learning this. It is a beautiful thing to learn to live yourself. You are worth it. Prayers.

    • Hearts and Wings says:

      I am so sorry to hear the level of abuse you suffered at the hands of those who should have loved and protected you. You are worthy of love and respect. Devote your life to healing and not letting what they did to you make you like them in any way. See the beauty in your heart and realize you have the power to make a new life for yourself. You can be the opposite of them. Don’t let them win. Let the compassion you feel for others like you make your heart a haven for love. You deserve the very best because you are still here and you are better than them. They and what they did happened to you, but what they did doesn’t have to define you. You are a winner!

    • Michael says:

      Aimee, how traumatic and to think you had to experience that as a child from people who are supposed to value and love you, people you should trust. We never know what goes on behind closed doors in childrens’ houses and the trauma they are forced to endure, as prisoners.

      I’m so sorry that was your life and you carry those memories and trauma.

      You are exactly right, it is like growing up with a terrorist.

      I’ve foolishly called someone an emotional terrorist, and she responded with more punishment. It’s taken me a long time to learn to just minimize the damage as best as can be in a world where people allow this type of daily cloaked behavior until they kill someone.

    • amanda says:

      oh you poor thing. with my mother it was all emotional abuse, parental alienation, child abduction and child abuse with the manipulated siblings abetting.

      I cant forgive my naivity about narcissm and the law but its too late now, whats worse, 13years of ambiguous loss with my doctor disenfranchising me.

      I do hope you are young and can afford to reinvent yourself, be the person you want to be and to make a fresh start, I wish I could.

  2. Cinderella says:

    My mother is a s****t who psychologically tortures and torments me. She has put a knife to my throat at least five times since coming to live with her after I lost my home. She will wave a knife in my face and just two weeks ago, she actually drew the knife back as if she was going to lunge it through me. She really is sick. She took me in at the eleventh hour. She is abusive and gets drunk and uses foul and degrading words to me about my weight calling me a great big pigging fat cow. She has put her fists in both my ears whilst I have been doing the washing up as she grits her teeth and jaws and will stand there just clenching her fists and shouting how she hates me and how she wishes she never had me. My sister is the golden girl. Anything that I own she hates. She has gone so far as to gouge tears into the wallpaper so that when people call here, she can say: “Look what my daughter’s cat has done” and she gathers support and gets people to join in the hate against me. I get blamed for everything that goes wrong. Always have done for the last 64 years. I was not wanted from birth. Even my father who was also an abuser from physical, sexual, mental and emotional looked at me with detest and resentment, just like my mother does. They wanted a son. I was frequently called a little bleeder and can remember red marks on my arms from a very young age. If I am ill my mother cannot even be bothered to bring a cup of tea for me to the bottom of the stairs of my attic junk room. She refuses me any heat and I am forced to buy 3 bottles of calor gas a week costing me £70 a week. Even when the calor has run out early evening when the stockist is closed, she will not even allow me a small oil filled plug in radiator. Even if I beg her because I am freezing cold and unwell, she will not allow this heater on. When I have phoned her before moving back home with her, she would constantly put the phone down even when I phoned up in a desperate situation and in floods of tears. She feels nothing and is detached, haughty and distant. She cannot connect with anything I say. She blames me for my failed relationships with abusive husbands who also beat me. She can feel no empathy whatsoever and is totally cold blooded. I had two sadistic parents. What bad luck. I have been neglected, abandoned and abused all my life and the extended family have also followed suit. Nobody would ever speak up about my parents cruelty towards me. Either they could not be bothered or they were too frightened of my mother. My sister is an even worse narcissist and she and my mother close ranks against me with both of them making me live in a climate of fear. In my mother’s living room, to ensure that I feel cold, she will either place a cabinet in between me and the gas fire, or put my chair far away from the fireplace. I suffer from fibromyalgia and this hates the cold. In the heat of the summer she will not allow me to open the windows in the sweltering hot stinking living room which smells of dog who has a bad flea problem. I tend the dog and bath her and give her tablets and spray her red raw patches to heal them. My mother who claims she is an animal lover will just sit on her butt all day and read books. She will never clean, has always hated cooking, and her home would never get cleaned unless I do it. I am constantly washing, wiping, cleaning, sweeping, mopping, vacuum cleaning and bleaching everywhere. When my father was alive there was constant conflict with my father not wanting windows open and my mother constantly re-opening them after he closed them. This caused parental friction but now I live with her and my father is dead, she never has a window open. When she goes to the shops I sling all the living room windows open and also open the back and front door so we get a lovely fresh airflow, but if she happens to come back early and catches the windows open she will go absolutely berserk. And then she starts: “This is my home and if you don’t like it then get out”. Everything with her is me, I and my. She is totally ownership obsessed. She will look for the fear and anxiety on my face in my current extremely vulnerable situation. She loves having the power to help me or not and watching the fear on my face whilst I await her decision. She is lapping up my extreme anxiety. I do all the gardening back and front and sweep the driveway. I put all the rubbish out to the bins in the garden and then drag the heavy bins out for the refuse men. She will wake me up in the early hours of the morning if I have forgotten to put them out the night before due to being exhausted. When I was working 80 hours a week and giving her good money for rent which she never declared, and I still did all the work for her, she never took this into consideration. Now I am sick and unable to work and she still demanded money from my basic state pension even though I have to pay £70 a week for gas. Everything is money. That is all that matters to her. She even suggested that I sleep in her bed. I could never do that. She makes me live in fear all the time and this has nearly crippled me. I am very depressed all the time but have nowhere to go. I am so anxious and tense all the time and this forces me to grind my teeth so much so that teeth actually break and I get extreme head pain. I suffer vertigo and tinnitus and extreme exhaustion and sometimes the pain in my muscles, bones, tendons and ligaments are so painful, I can hardly get out of bed. She is constantly looking for something to make an issue over when I am dragging myself around in discomfort. This freezing cold north facing attic room was the bedroom that I shared with my sister when I was ten when we moved here. It was so cold we had ice on the inside of the windows. My father removed the plug from our only form of heating which was a small fan heater. He also took the plug off the record player so that we could not play our records. My sister got taken to hospital because she would actually freeze and you could not even move her fingers, but as she was the favourite nobody even noticed my suffering and depression from a young age. My sister took pleasure in telling me recently that when I was a little girl my father would take me into the toilet and demand that she stay outside because she would know what was going on. This means that when I was a little girl I must have looked up with trusting eyes to those who I should have been able to trust. My father always used to say: “Suffer little children to come unto me”! How they traded off my love and my 88 year old mother is still doing this. Isn’t strange how some people like me suffer all of our lives from abuse from others too. Sometimes I think that I must have something stamped on my forehead such as: “Damaged. Abuse me”! Oh my god how I have suffered. Thank God the end is in sight. I am even losing my faith because I cannot help but think, how could a God bare me to a mother like that or a father. If I give her presents she will sometimes throw them back. I bought her a lovely pink silver foil balloon for mothers day and hung it on the tree outside as a surprise for her but she saw me and made nasty gestures of distaste and dislike through the living room window and yet if my sister had done this, she would have been the angel. Anything I do is not good enough. Anything I give her is not good enough. She even has a downer on a beautiful little cat of mine who has cancer. The little cat has been operated on but only has a limited time left to live, but she is such a loving and giving little animal but my mother even has a downer on this little cat. Usually the little cat follows me like a dog and stays up in my attic room with me but sometimes she will sit on the living room chair but my mother will persecute her and chase her out and put her in the garden. When I say: “Mum how can you have such a downer on her? She is a little cat with cancer. She has weeks to live, not months”. She will say: “Oh there’s nothing I can do about that”. In fact this is all she mostly says. She is ruthless, treacherous and a pathological liar. She is an attention seeker at all times and a very masterful manipulator. She is scheming, devious, cunning and engineering. She even managed to manipulate a situation whereby I was cheated out of a property that a dear old lady and neighbour wanted me to have, along with all of her possessions but both me and my sister have the same name. My sister’s second name is my first name and you can imagine the confusion that this can deliberately cause. I have gone from one disastrous relationship to another and from dump to another when for the last 35 years I could have been living in the property that this dear old lady wanted me to have, but my sister ended up getting most and I got nothing. Oh my God I could write a book about it and maybe I will one day. So many people including Police and doctors know about the abuse I receive and nobody does anything, but I think my mother is so clever that she poisons them against me and makes me look like the bad one so I feel it is hopeless to do anything about my situation because abused people never seem to be believed. She tries to frighten me about the Police and how they have got me taped! In front of two Police Officers in our very own living room, she confessed that she hit me and they did nothing!!! So I think it is the other way round and I actually have the Police taped and I do mean that. I recorded the conversation unbeknown to them. The two Police Officers also started abusing me in my mothers own living room making facetious remarks about: “People of your mentality” when they had no idea of the truth. I felt that they were trying to provoke me into reacting whereby they could either section me or arrest me, but instead I secretly recorded them. I have learnt through years of abuse, to stay ahead of the game and I am always watching for people’s facial expressions and behaviours in order that I can be first off the mark. I told her the other day that she only treats me in such an abusive way because she feels safe to do so. When I had breathing difficulties last year through a terrible cold and chest infection, I opened the top half of our front door in order to get some air because I could not stop coughing enough to catch my breath. My mother slammed the top half of the front door into the side of my head and shoulders. She is wickedly cruel and when she starts ranting and going berserk her eyes become transfixed like a crazy person. She punches me, slaps me, has cracked me around my legs with her walking stick as I have run up the stairs, she backs me up against the wall or door as she slaps me around the face with a tea towel or a few days ago out in the garden she slapped me around the face with a wet skirt that she was hanging on the washing line. She threatens to poison my food and I have never had so many bad stomachs as I have since I came to live here. If a tea towel falls on the floor where the animals have been sniffing, I immediately pick it up and soak it in bleach, washing powder and hot water and my mother goes crazy shouting at me everybody has to eat a peck of dirt before they die!!! She gets me to cut the grass and cut the high hedges and at one time I started cleaning the windows, but I have stopped that now. I buy all the plants and shrubs for the garden and plant them and tend them all and water them all. She is so lazy that she will not even point a hose at them after I have rigged it all up but she can walk at least five miles a day with the dog. I do the weeding. I do everything and still she is not happy. My sister and her husband and her two children and their partners do nothing here. My sister will phone every day but anyone can pick up a phone and then my mother slags me off to her or my sister does to my mother and when I get upset, my mother says to my sister: “Oh well, she’s psychotic isn’t she”. I have always been labelled mental or some such other degrading and humiliating name. I am sitting typing this at nearly midnight after my mother started ranting for me to come down stairs immediately to take my cat upstairs with me. He was sitting in the kitchen hurting nobody. Because I did not jump immediately, she deliberately let him out so that he could cross the road. You see, she does not feel alive unless she is inflicting pain on me whether that pain me, mental, emotional or physical. If I am not compliant then I have to be punished. That is the way she works. Is this all life has to offer? I guess it is, because I have no means of escape. Nobody is allowed to call here to see me. She has isolated me and tells me everybody hates me around here. She is lethal and toxic and extremely dangerous but nobody will house you here with so many animals who I am not parting with as they are my reason for being. The only thing that keeps me going is because I know that one day I will be released from it and all my suffering will be over.

    • Susy says:

      I’m so saddened by ur story as I can empathize due to witnessing my adult (once boyfriend) friend going thru similar abuse with fear of loosing the same fam who treats him like a cinderella slave & sadistic mom cult leader!
      I researched & called a trauma hot line which may be able to help you obtain your civil rites to life, liberty & pursuit of happiness!!!
      I don’t know what his mom’s abuse consists of but he appears hypnotized as if given electro-shock & puppets her words that he’s fine , he has to get it rite, etc , but he complains yet won’t seek help to free himself… I hope u contact a help-line to get u away to happiness u deserve…my friend has remained home isolated on edge of his seat with the dangling carrot of promise to gain control of his finances, “wen he gets his head on strait & gets it rite?!” Then wen I c him, his mouthe to feel deserves punishment–iv informed him that 50 yrs is “time served!!!” he appears unable to smile as if brainwashed that, “he better not!?” I just hav to let him kno he’s not on hous arrest & its not his fault!? He flip-flops as if confused & fearful of abuse ???

    • Susy says:

      I’m so saddened by ur story as I can empathize due to witnessing my adult (once boyfriend) friend going thru similar abuse with fear of loosing the same fam who treats him like a cinderella slave & sadistic mom cult leader!
      I researched & called a trauma hot line which may be able to help you obtain your civil rites to life, liberty & pursuit of happiness!!!
      I don’t know what his mom’s abuse consists of but he appears hypnotized as if given electro-shock & puppets her words that he’s fine , he has to get it rite, etc , but he complains yet won’t seek help to free himself… I hope u contact a help-line to get u away to happiness u deserve..

    • TryingtoSurvive says:

      Dear Cinderella, I can empathasize so much with you and it breaks my heart to know your sadness and pain.
      I too grew up with a very sadistically abusive father who was a narcissist. I knew things weren’t “normal” growing up (and afterwards) but I always thought there must be something wrong with me. Looking back it is amazing how I survived being beaten to where I still have damage. He always found “reasons” to beat me and would even “set appointments” to do so. Very, very sick.
      I too was scapegoated by him and his second wife who was also a nut job as well as alcoholic). Fortunately she didn’t last long and soon after was on her 3rd husband before age 30.
      I think I was “chosen” because I’ve always been quiet, kind, very sensitive, and I look a lot like my mother who died under strange circumstances when I was very young.
      I am almost 50 years old (divorced) and despite counseling and medication somedays are hard because of “flashbacks.” I try not to ask “Why?” anymore because I know it wasn’t my fault. They had serious problems. When my father died several years ago I thought I’d have “freedom.” To some extent I did but you never forget.
      Cinderella, I can tell just by how you write of your love and caring for animals and plants you are a beautiful, kind, and nurturing person.
      Always know it is NOT YOU! Your mother will never change. It is sad these people have so much hatred inside of them for whatever reasons. No matter what you do it will never be good enough for her so don’t blame yourself for trying. Even at your parents’ ages they are still very, very dangerous, phsically and emotionally.

      Please work on getting far away from her and focusing on how incredible YOU ARE & how much you have to offer. It is extremely hard to want a normal daughter/ parent relationship and know in our cases it just will never be possible. It is a death of sorts but it just will never happen. I don’t know why life deals some people better hands than others. Surround yourself with friends you choose, friends who love you unconditionally and are kind and supportive. You are very deserving of love
      It is a rough road “letting go” of trying to have a normal relationship with them but they are toxic and it just will never happen. You must put you first and start your life now, no matter what your age. Give yourself the childhood you should have had. Treat yourself to ice cream, building sand castles, swings and slides on a playground, and being silly. Remember it is not instantaneous but rather a life long process.
      Sometimes I get down and feel self-pity but I try to remind myself of all I have accomplished on my own. Your screen name, Cinderella, is perfect as I see a very happy and successful future for you after all you have been through. I see so much good in you! I wished I were there to give you a big hug but I’m sending you a “cyber-hug.”

    • Hearts and Wings says:

      I just can’t believe how she could be so cruel. You have got to try to get some sort of help and get away from her my heart really hurts for you. You are in my prayers tonight

    • dina says:

      Your story is exactly like mine to EVERY detail. Also the property and an immense amont of money being stolen from me and given to my sister and me being homeless with fibro. People have always called me cinderella but were too selfish and cruel to do something. The only difference is, That I left my mum behind and now she lost her cleaning lady (me)and other slave, my dad, who died after she threw him out of “HER” house which was in fact given to them by my grand father. I have been abused by everyone I know and I know a lot of people. So I hate everyone .

    • Lil never sail says:

      Hello Cinderella. Write a book. Tell no one. Certainly not the demon witch. My mother tried to kill me. TWICE that I know of. Through our greatest pain is our greatest healing. Others need to hear of this atrocity. Your right the victim is silenced by the disbelief of others. The unwillingness to help. Last year I watched my older sister go to her grave still seeking validation from the demented witch. The reason you are hated is because you cannot be broken. Your Mother may have given birth to you but she did not give you life. God gave you your life
      And you’ve been surrounded by wolves trying to tear you to pieces every minute of every hour of every day of your life. And why? You have something they cannot possess. A power you have been conditioned and convinced you don’t have or can’t use. You are stronger and have great potential, even at this point of life, and the only goal of these soul sucking ghouls is to destroy that part of you because it sickens and frightens them at the same time.
      I am very familiar with you kind of suffering. Your voice needs to be heard. You have the keys to your own freedom. This concentration camp form of family dynamic was never intended for you. Believe in yourself. WRITE THE BOOK!!!! keep it hidden from the monsters. They will only laugh in your face and rage at the audacity that You think you could have success in your life. DO NOT LOSE FAITH!!! Cast your line out one more time.
      Your freedom is yours. You have it within you to take it. God never lost sight of you. He will hold you and keep you right where your at and free you from your oppressors. Write the book. Find a way. God bless you. Fly be free!

  3. Buzzby422 says:

    I was at the mercy of a sadistic narcissistic former landlord. He won a judgment against me with perjury, the judge bought all his lies, and slammed with a huge amount of money to pay this monster. He terrorized me for almost a year. He kept threatening me with all kinds of legal actions, talk to my present landlord, take over my bank account. Until I realized that he derived a lot of pleasure from doing all this things. So I turned the tables around, I sent him an email stating that I would no longer answer his text messages, that I had legal options if he dared do anything against me. Since he was harassing me through email also, I told him I will post everything he has sent me on FB, Linkedin, Tweeter, every media outlet that I could think of. He sent a series of texts , that I showed the police and they called him and told him if he continued with these threats and harassment they would get a warrant for his arrest. He stopped. You need to turn the tables on these monsters and beat them at their own game. It is true, they think they could do anything they want, that laws don’t apply to them. That have the worst sense of being God, that they can destroy you any time, but only if you let them. He made me cry so much, that I thought about killing myself. In the end he is probably biting himself, ( these monsters are like rabid dogs, once they bite, they don’t let go) because he cant intimidate me anymore.

  4. Susy says:

    Someone very close to me is living a horrifyin mind controlled torturous life (which I witnessed too many times to count) at the hands of ‘mommy dearest’ but continues to obey, fear & isolate to extremely mundane tasks with confabulated unrealistic dream of monetary gain!
    I am sorry to read that so many other ppl endure a life which viates a human’s Civil Rights of “unalienable pursuit of life, liberty & pursuit of happiness”… Also violates the words of the Emancipation Proclimation to not get paid as slave labor , etc!
    I was told by pice that I must go to station & file a report but I am becoming consumed with protecting my adult male scapegoat son of this ‘monster mom’ that I hav been attempting (2 NO AVAIL!?) appeal to his logic thru every venue ie-research, the Bible & my observations of his confused ‘crazy making’ lies of her distortion of truth!!!
    In my research & Abuse Hotlines, I m advised that his only way out is thru NO CONTACT!!!
    I know this is almost impossible due to the duration & ritualistic degradation & public humiliation rendering him (& those in pain too) that self esteem , confidence & verbal social skills are diminished & also he truely believes that ‘IT’ is powerful (I assume?!) so he remains in self imposed jail totally isolated & depressed due to lack of money to pursue any life since he’s been set up to fail!! He had worked TWO TORTUROUS EXHASTING 50 hr weeks @$2/hr & GAV all to his abuser for a $15 haircut but continues to wear rags, used painful boots awaiting ‘IT’s order to work “& get it right!?”
    I am his only friend who is his witness as it is too horrific for most ppl to believe!!!
    He regresses thru her yelling, etc to a helpless 9’yr old in her presence unable to assert his need for happiness & brainwashed in fear almost believing in denial that ‘IT’ means well??? Almost as if he’s a mtid personality?!?
    I hav sought help everywhere & only solution i kno of is filing police report with the research & documentation of the observed acts so HE’l b given the help necessary to begin the process of healing!
    I kno that will mean I may not see him for at least a year but if help is out there, he deserves (as do all others out there living in constant pain & fear of sadistic torture!) a life that he CHOOSES !!!
    Good luck in your endeavors to find peace & happiness!

  5. Susy says:

    The Cinderella life & the fact that his body is becoming too abused to last much longer is terrifying to me (I needed to add!)
    He always as in brainwashed manner says,”I gotta do what I gotta do!” Which are ‘ITS’ words!!! I got jobs for him which fiends of mine offer to help but for some reason (& everything g’s a secret!), he may only do ‘what ITturns up” for him to obey without question but with a LIE of a happy ending?!?! It’s extremy upsetting to observe I can’t imagine living in his Hell!!! I hope all of you find the escape necessary for hope of a life!!!

  6. Ken says:

    My landlord is a narcissist, with an inferiority complex. He thinks himself noble, and becomes angered to the point of meltdown if anything/anyone suggests in the slightest way that he is not.

    You can tick him off by simply offering a helpful suggestion. He brings things up that happened years in the past, but no one noticed until he went off. It’s like he’s been harboring these things for years, and you’re just now finding out about it.

    He does things to tick you off, anything that he thinks he can deny that he knows will make you angry. This guy poured ice water on some 14 day old puppies that were under the house, and it made him happy, you’d think he’d won the lottery.

    He comes to the house under the jest that’s he’s there to do repairs, just so he can do thing to piss me off or intimidate me. This is what he was doing when he poured the ice water on the puppies.

    He’s claimed that my dog has bitten his little girl, not once but on two separate occasions. A few days after he poured the ice water on the puppies, he came back again, he brought his little girl with him, on a school day, so he apparently took her out of school just so he could bring over here knowing she’s afraid of my dog. If the dog had bitten the little girl twice before; Why on Earth would he bring her back into the same situation?!

    He’s now going after me, my dog, and anything else that he thinks will affect me negatively, or will make him feel superior because he’s doing things that I can’t defend against. Insidious is the nature of his acts, he does things when I’m not there to defend against them, when my back is turned.

    He has accused me of trying to make him look bad in front of other people, he’s convinced that I have somehow victimized him, and he’s set on revenge, or on gaining the upper hand, turning the screw on me, showing me who’s the boss.

    He’s sick, and can’t/won’t admit he has a problem.

    I’m taking him to court to get a protective order, and I’m getting a Notice Not To Trespass issued to him so he can’t come around me, then I’m getting as far away from that sick b*****d as I can.

    Just in case anyone who reads this is thinking of renting from him, or having any kind of involvement with him, his name is Donavon Barton. He lives in Honaker, VA

    Do yourself a favor, pass him by and keep going.

  7. Susy says:

    Is there any way to get adult friend to a safe house if he fears that leaving his solitary confinement will caus him to loos his fam & home /jail& fam/cult s****t abused slave who I’m desperately in need of advice to get him help

  8. jane says:

    I am dating a narcissist s****t.i don’t know why I cant leave him even though I broke up a couple times and went back to him.the crazy thing is that I don’t hate him for the abuse .if anything I feel sorry for him. why is that

    • Jennifer says:

      Because it’s a very ancient and sophisticated demon. I’m not saying this from some religious based ritualized stance, like the person needs a priest to get rid of being possessed. But the thing I have come to know from living with my abusive husband for a decade, is that this demon that drives narcissism has had thousands of years to perfect the methods that trap us. The kinder your heart, the easier it is for this demon to use your goodwill against you. It is a kind hearted persons nature to want to help those in pain, and you see the pain that initially drove your narcissist to this defense mechanism. And that sad. My husband has his own childhood past full of abuse. But then, so do I. And I do not enjoy hurting people or allow myself to hurt people whilst making excuses to continue that behavior. I would never engage in the abusive and sadisitic behaviors my husband does. its important to recognize that the narcissist is not a victim. They choose that behavior. They chose it step by step over time. It might be easy to see how the initial choices were taken to protect a hurting child (themselves), but they have been given every opportunity to choose otherwise, to give up that crutch since then and haven’t. Somewhere along the line, they agreed with it, that abusive behavior, they began justifying it. That is not a victim. That is compliance with it.
      I was a narcissist for many years, a result of childhood abuse by my parents and a neighbor. In order to retain self worth during those horrible years, I adapted a grandiose self image. But as I grew, my desire to love others, and failing to do so, has pointed out my unhealthy behaviors and I have chosen to give them up. My husband does not do that. And it sounds like your partner doesn’t either.
      One rule to live by is this, you are not doing anyone any favors by treating them as though they are healthy and worthy of a healthy person in their life when they do not respect or love that person in return. It took losing some very good people for me to realize that my narrssacism was not going to bring me peace and happiness. It was people leaving me, losing them, that woke me up. So do him a favor and tell him exactly why you are leaving him and walk away. He won’t change while you stay and say, it’s ok how you treat me, I’m not going anywhere. You think it speaks of love to him, but it doesn’t, it’s not a motivator to change. Leaving is. If you love someone, you don’t let them be sick and withhold the medicine. Your walking away is the medicine for the illness he has.

      • Jennifer says:

        And me more thing, you are not immune. I have a very strong sense of self worth. I have been through a lot in my young life and have had to love myself in order to endure. I thought I could handle the abuse. And I faired much longer than most. Years upon years. But it will get to you. It will eventually tear you down. No one gets out alive from these kinds of encounters. Enduring the abuse only gives it time to seep into you and believe me it will. I have been beaten by my parents, trapped in a foreign country for a decade, betrayed by family members, sexually assaulted as a child. And I got through all of that with a boisterous love of life. But the insidious and maliciousness of living with a narrsassist (and I had already lived my childhood with two) in my healthy adult years, this brought me down. I didn’t even realize it was happening until the last year and a half I lived with my husband. It’s slow, methodical. And the more forgiving and the more loving you are, it just gives this demon the time it wants to achieve its goal…to pebble by pebble tear down your mountain of self esteem and joy for love and people. I’m paying the price now. It’s shocking to me, really. After all I’ve been through, I never thought one person could defeat the self love I had. But, like I said, this demon is smart, and patient. It befriends hurting children, promising “love and protection” all with the plan to rear them into the very thing they feared as children, an abuser themselves. And it doesn’t care how long it takes. And there is no escape. Th more time you give, the more effective it is. Get out. For you and for the man you love. Now. Your loving nature is the very thing this demon is preying on.

        • O says:

          I wish it’s that easy to leave

        • Sandy says:

          Wow. Thats well said. I also suggest you drop the ‘i wish it was easy to leave’ and leave. Save yourself, maybe youll save your future children from having such pain in their life.
          How do i know? Because i stayed, had 2 children with him, been through many years of confusion and agony, 20 years later, i left, but the children are still very much there.
          If i could take it all back and save me and kids all this pain, i would. My lil one has 9 more years of hell with this dad. So imagine the life you can have.

  9. Robin says:

    This is my husband…tonight’s video call proved it and it’s disturbing reading this article describe just what’s happened.

  10. Susy says:

    Although I’m not a doctor, I researched too much in order to help by understanding the many issues such as yours!
    Perhaps, the duration of time you’ve endured due to him placing blame for his acts on you or, there’s a part of him that shows you the loving treatment you deserve & you despately hope he’ll show compassion if only you can give him what he needs!
    You deserve happiness (& he may use strategies such as expressions of love to get you back), I’ve learned–he’ll never change, feels NO empathy & LIES!
    I witness my adult boyfriend enduring s****t humiliation, (& cruelty beyond imagination) by cult-like family & I saw a trauma therapist.
    Leave especially because, it will only become more cruel & difficult to break free!
    Good luck
    You can do it!!!

  11. Michael says:

    This is the mother of my two children, my former spouse. I’m in my 40s so I’ve seen disturbed individuals before, but never anyone like her. She knows she is cruel and sadistic, and she punishes as a rule, then punishes again if you tell others, even authorities. The children dislike me for my view on the behavior even if they call her crazy (a word I don’t use).

    Society can accept talking about physical disease and illness yet it is not socially acceptable to talk about mental illness that devastates families like a drug, alcohol, sex or gambling addiction. It’s like a new bomb or new shooting every single week, sometimes every single day.

    The sadistic narcissist won’t hear they need help, doesn’t care about extending empathy, appreciates your empathy and care until the second it’s over and will not do anything to stop the cruelty, seeing people as collateral damage.

  12. Diane Lehti says:

    Hello , I’m a victim of a mean father, now there are labels , not when I was a kid. It was a very euro hood, my first language was Finnish, my Grandma , who I loved, was scary when needed., It worked, No Love No Smile. no Forgiveness, unless I begged for forgiveness, that of which a 3 year old, could have done, idk, but I knew I missed the love , same thing happened with her son, IThamk God Everyday for my pure faith, I like many others have gone thru a house of horrors, it plays with your head, from a time when family secrets r guarded by blood, church, friends , u did not talk about it! But I guess my intelligence saw thru mental illness, but I can’t deny it has left a deep impression on my soul.

  13. Me says:

    Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.
    You i hate say that those words alone is the biggest wrong quote of all times.
    Words do hurt and they can sometimes leave a person feeling as if they had just been picked up and thrust agaiant a wall. I am in a relationship that u am badgered, degraded, bword bashed, belittled, broken on a daily basis. However; if i just keep my mouth shut listen to the ranting and ravingbofca a person mad about god only he knows what or why. Rather from his childhoid, past relationship it will go away! But on the other hand if i change the subject whech i always can by takibg one sentence from it raving twist it around making hos alter ego feel he the best thing that ever hit this planet! Were ok again. But if i just set there anx take it. It goes in for hours hour worrhless i am, if i woukd just die, i mean it gets pretty tough. I stick it out because i know whats inside this persin. and i know there is good! I have seen and lived with the goid alter ego for sixteen years! Met Mr. Alter Ego a few months into! Its hard and i want to walk away but i cant make myseld give up on the real persin.

  14. anny says:

    I totally agree with you said. Thanks very mucu. Initially I don’t understand why the person I am interacting with is behaving so strangely, abusing me from time to time either emotionally or verbaly. Now I understand that actually he is a narcassist .

  15. Jackieflo says:

    I have a great granddaughter 7 years old living under those
    Same terroristic threats constantly from her mother’s live in boyfriend. Her Mother totally ignores me and says that I am CRAZY! I have plenty of first hand witnesses. The above
    NARCISSISTIC LIFE describes that Baby’s life to a T.

    What are my options?

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