Last Updated on June 29, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
“I’m sorry.” Those are two of the most difficult words for most people to be able to honestly say.
When we are genuinely sorry, we have to admit that we hurt someone and it also means that we are taking responsibility for the pain we have caused.
A narcissist is never sorry because he (or she) perceives himself as perfect. He can’t be wrong. He views himself as superior to everyone and, thus, always right.
How did he get this way?
From his earliest years, a narcissist grew up believing that he is special and was most likely treated that way even as a small child.
A narcissist develops a pathological sense of self-entitlement very early.
Truth is a foreign concept to the narcissist. His personality is built on a “false self”, believing that he is a superior, perfect being without flaws.
As a child, he was not held accountable for his mistakes, lies or cruelties.
His parents did not provide a sense of limits or respect for other human beings. He learned as a child to exploit and manipulate other human beings- to win at any cost.
The damage to another person’s life was just collateral and necessary to his own immediate goals.
This “golden child” learned very early that he had free rein over others. If someone got in his way, he would simply push him aside or knock him down.
The parents defended their child’s inconsiderate, cruel behavior; they believed that their extraordinary child did not have to follow common social rules that apply only to others- not to their child.
What does he do when he does make a mistake?
The narcissist is never, ever wrong, and he likes to present “proof” that he is correct.
The narcissist cannot accept responsibility for making a mistake and he is an expert at diverting the blame to others – (“It’s not my fault.
I lost that promotion because my team let me down”, “You were acting so stupid-you made me hit you.”, “If you weren’t so cold, I wouldn’t have had that affair”).
A narcissist will never admit even horrendous mistakes and when confronted, he will deflect, delay, and tell more lies. He believes he is invincible and perfect.
When we look deeply into ourselves and know we have been wrong, we are able to say “I make mistakes”.
We apologize to the hurt party and continue to have a healthy, solid sense of ourselves as positive human beings.
A narcissist is unable to do this as that would require acknowledging that he is not perfect. .
What effect does this have on children?
Narcissistic mothers can be especially detrimental to a child.
This is more than just ‘crazy-making’—it can be devastating to a young child’s ability to learn to think critically and make accurate assessments of the world around him or her.
Having a mother who will tell a child he/she is always wrong in order to make herself right skews a child’s perceptions and sets up a “cognitive dissonance” in the child.
Cognitive dissonance makes people uncomfortable, even children, and so the child has to find a way to resolve that uncomfortable conflict.
His choices are limited; he can either stick with his own perception or adopt his parent’s perception.
When this perception comes from the person upon whom you depend for your food, shelter and protection, a young child most often accepts the parent’s “reality” over his own.
The child begins to doubt his or her own perceptions and over time loses confidence in her ability to make decisions or accurately perceive what goes on around her.
She becomes accustomed to adopting her narcissistic mother’s beliefs, perceptions, and opinions as reality.
Whenever dissonance arises she automatically resolves it by discounting anything that runs contrary to her narcissistic mother’s reality.
Some children don’t succumb. They either outwardly dispute the difference in perceptions or they pretend to accept their narcissistic mother’s views while silently holding their own.
Either way, they don’t learn that their mothers are rational, trustworthy people, nor do they have a model for rational observation and thinking.
No matter what she’s done, she won’t ever genuinely apologize for anything.
Instead, any time she feels she is being made to apologize she will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology she has just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: “I’m sorry you felt that I humiliated you” “I’m sorry if I made you feel bad”
“If I did that it was wrong” “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do about it” “I’m sorry but it was just a joke.
You’re so over-sensitive” “I’m sorry I made you feel clumsy, stupid and disgusting”…
Some daughters of narcissistic mothers have called this a “fauxpology.” And that is exactly what it is: a false apology.
One daughter, writing in a blog, gave a wonderful summary of the thinking and behavior of a classic narcissist as it relates to never being wrong:
“My own Narcissistic Mother went to her death having convinced herself that her lies, from little ones to whoppers that changed the lives of other people, were true.
By rationalizing and justifying her lies and her nefarious deeds, she could believe herself right and justified in everything she did, even reversing herself and remaining right both in her original deed and in the undoing of it—a neat trick, if you ask me.
For example, she married my father and later divorced him…but she would never say that marrying my father was a mistake because she was always right—she didn’t make mistakes.
Her rationalization was that marrying him was the only way she could get away from her oppressive Old World father, therefore it was the right thing to do.
That she was 16 and her father was no more oppressive than the fathers of other 16-year-old girl of that era was not material: she wanted to run her own life and marrying my father was an immediate and certain way to do that.
So, even though she divorced him later, she did not consider marrying my father a mistake: it was merely a means to an end, he served his purpose and then she got rid of him.
Without remorse, without regret, without any thought for the feelings of the people who would be hurt by her actions.
And not an apology insight because you only apologize when you are wrong and, of course, she was never, ever that!”
References
http://www.wellsphere.com/mental-health-article/narcissists-never-sorry-never-wrong/1257987 http://narcissistschild.blogspot.com/2012/08/she-is-never-wrong-characteristics-of.html
Dear Alexander:
Do you think they ever change with a new person. (the one they leave you for). Is cheating a constant behavior/pattern of a narcissist? I’ve been involved with one for several years now and he keeps having flings and then coming back… he always blames me for them. i keep believing it and then i do reliaze it is not me.. i did nothing but suffer from each and everyone of them. please can you answer me back. i keep trying to understand all this and i keep reading and reading to try to heal myself. i do believe loving a narcissist is one of the most horrible experiences i have had in life.
Thank you so much. Mimi
“Dear Alexander:
Do you think they ever change with a new person. (the one they leave you for). Is cheating a constant behavior/pattern of a narcissist?”
No, they dont change
” he always blames me for them. ”
For going off with other women was your fault. yes, classic NPD.
ANother comment might be, “You deserved it”.
No, they never will change even for their next victim. They hunt victims. They are not even conscious of this, it is who they think everyone in the world is.
I totally understand your pain….It’s just a mind fuck…they ate evil and soooooo good at mimicking emotion. However nothing will ever change…I wish we could meet and be friends it’s the only way to get through these evil wanna be human assholes. Stay strong your worth so much more
If loving a narcissist is one of the most horrible experiences you have had, WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM? A narcissist is a hollow entity who is existence is “Being and Nothingness” and whose only purpose in life is to fill their empty core with “Supply”. Perhaps your relationship with this “android” provided a safe, secure “supply” that the flings could not, hence the cycle of leaving and returning. To continually “supply” a narcissist is tantamount to being an energizer bunny. Run away from this person as fast as you can; they are parasitic and will suck the life out of your soul.
I am dealing with a person with this behaviour I ask them to take me to the hospital they do not want to take me because of car traffic and said you are ok or you can go to another hospital.i told them to pull over I got out and took a cab. They didn’t call to see if I was Ok, knowing I had gone to the hospital and they learned I had been admitted they would not Tell others we knew I was in the hospital. only when they were ask where was i.or if someone asked me after my release from the hospital.he would entercept and say ok she was in the hospital. So people would not see him as a heel.and without an apology he asked, are you going to help me with my task. How loaving. I realize his own interest is all he cared about… This say to “Me” Self Preservation is the “Key” Move On To Higher Ground don’t let anyone Steal your joy. NO ONE IS WORTH IT…….
My daughter was married to one for 2 years and going out with him 3 years previously. He “is” a charming Narci he played everyone. I don’t mean he was nice but I mean he came across that way. I saw straight through him from the start but my daughter needed to learn in her own time/way. behind closed doors he was critical of her appearance and everything else. He played mind games and lied constantly. He ran off with his cousin. We knew something was up because he lost interest in my daughter quite early on in their marriage. Lust never lasts and that’s all the Narci has to offer is lust but the love bombing phrase the beginning “bit” can seem like love to the uneducated. The fault fin
ding follows swiftly after the love bombing stage, usually its when the narci has found “new supply” for their massive ego. Once they know you have worked them out, they are gone quite quickly and NO the NEW supply is not special or more attractive then you its just they are unaware of the narci tactics. Soon he will move on again and again and again. Good ridden to a lying, cheating asshole. She did my daughter a favour. Picked up her garbage and took it to bed.
Leave him now… I did and never looked back
So true what u say here. Being raised by a mother who is never wrong meant that I was always wrong. I also became a Nmagnet and married a n.man just like my n.mother. I never realized during my tortured youth that I was just a scapegoat. Waking up has been a long time coming but thanks to info like this. I know I’m on the right path!
My mothers never wrong either! Even when I can show her proof of why she is wrong she will say something flipping remark like oh, you think your a detective now and tell me I’m just living in my own dream world and more rude things.
I once tried to confront a narcissist and his whole narcissistic family. At the time I had no idea they were all in a narcissistic collective. They would NEVER admit wrong, never acknowledge I was right, and all of them quickly enlisted a collective approach toward dismissing me at every family gathering. I asked my husband if something magically happened when we went in their house because it was as though I became invisible as I walked through their door. They refused to acknowledge me. My FIL is an overt narcissistic father that that is married to a covert-narcissistic wife. They both have an emotionally incestuous relationship with their daughter and granddaughter. When their son got married they all rejected me. They eventually ended up rejecting him. I stood up for myself and refused to be their door mat. Additionally, my husband refused to allow them to treat me and his children as the scourge of the earth. Once the son’s loyalty shifted to his wife and children, the parent’s no longer received narcissistic supply. They disparaged, devalued and rejected their son and his family. Their bizarre behavior has been incredibly childish and devious. Their “shunning” tactics are cultish. They began shunning in private, then ensued it publicly. They all showed narcissistic injury and rage at various times. They are all enmeshed in a narcissistic web. We tried to confront them asked them to attend counseling with us. They refused, called our letter “psychobabble” said we’d imagined it all. Eventually, we enacted no contact. I suffered for 13 years because I chose to ride on their crazy-making passive-aggressive narcissistic roller coaster. If I’d only known then what I know now. Thank you for this site. So many out there are as naive as me and have no idea the hellacious torment narcissist can cause. I am so thankful God opened my eyes and showed me the way of escape…off the crazy train.
Is good your husband also follwed God’s command to put his wife before his mother and father.
I am happy to hear at least that side of your story, a husband who was faithful to you and defended you and him from them, his parents.
My husband has 5 adult children of his own and he claims 2 adult kids from a previous marriage. He has them so dependent on him that they call him for every little thing. They come visit and totally trash the house. None of them pick up after their selves. My husband is never wrong and nothing is ever his fault. He has raised his kids to be the same way. I have been with him for 7 years and he keeps saying they will grow up. We argue if I say anything about the messes and we fight over his grown kids daily. I am tired of always being wrong and everything being blamed on me or others. His kids act just like him. Does this sound like a narracistic family?
I AM DEALING WITH THE SAME EXACT SHIT!! ???? OMG! I am living with my boyfriend, his Mom,and the Moms Boyfriend ????????????????. The Mom is so fake, and such a damn liar ???? it’s not even funny! The boyfriend is A loser, and I liar ???? as well. My boyfriend lies about stupid shit and his Mother helps him do it! My boyfriend can never,ever fuckin admit when he’s wrong and boy does he think his ???? don’t stink! The Moms boyfriend disrespects me on the regular, he tries to “intimidate” me when no one isn’t looking or around! He called his self threatening me saying that he was going to “kick my ass” ! I told the Mom about it and she really fixed her words to say ” Oh well, that’s just how he is!” So I told her I’m a show him how I am then! So my boyfriends at work /on his way home ????. So the moms boyfriend waits until he sees my boyfriend about to come in the house ???? and follows him in with small talk as if everything was just fine and dandy, like he ain’t just threaten me 45 minutes ago! ???? I grabbed a pair of hair ✂️ And I walked up on him so the Mom was yelling and My Boyfriend was pulling the ✂️ out my hand screaming “what are you doing ?” Since my boyfriend got the ✂️ away I just reached over and left hooked him in the lip! SMH ????♂️ I am like so ashamed ???? Any advise, I would be so gracious!
Dear Malissa Knowledge is power. I feel the same about my Narci encounter. They club together and plead innocence and weave lies like a spider. I was raised by one, so its that much harder when you have only known that from birth. The trouble only started when I started to have an opinion and refuse to be treated like s-it. She is willing to lie to protect her goldren child (not even a family member) and is accumulating many flying monkeys. I have made the decision to have as little to do with her has humanly possible. it is hard though because looking from the outside many see a nice elderly lady whos kids don’t visit often but we have to protect our mental health.
Just a note about your description of the cause of a narcissist. Firstly, NPD in women is far more common than in men. Men get punched and beaten up for acting like that and they learn they can not get away with it so much. Women are protected by the law to the most ridiculous level, women have also been shown to be 5 times more violent than men psychologically, just that they execute their violence in covert ways compared to men who will just upfront show violence as an expression of the limit of their tolerance, with women violence is something conceited and planned in advance.
The cause of NPD you describe, “parents who let their golden child get away with anything” is the least avenue discovered for causes of NPD. It is found in almost all cases was an abandoned chilld, hand-balled around family members, often having been emotionally and seually abused and belittled and put down and treated like there was no-one who truly love them during their childhood.
It is dangerous how you publish misinformation about NPDs that they had a Golden Child, “The Last Emperor” upbringing. The absolute opposite is the truth. They should be pitied but I advise you never ever ever try to save them. please REALISE THAT for your own health and sanity you must walk away, RUN from this person no matter how much it breaks your heart, it will literally break your heart if you stay.
NPD is in the same B category of personality disorders along side with sociopathy and psychopathy. Get out. Do not waste years like others have trying to find a key to this persons soul and heart and think their abuse will change.
Jake, i could not agree more. In my experience, and in the psychiatric studies, it has been unempathetic, critical or abusive parenting that created narcissistic offspring. It is rarely, if ever, “Golden Child” syndrome.
My personal experience is a bit contradictory to that. While I have known a few narcissistic women the narcissistic men in my life have been much more damaging. I would say I have experienced about twice as many narcissistic men than women. Granted that’s annectodal. But narcissism doesn’t necessarily equal violence. In fact one extremely narcissistic man I dated used my previous domestically abusive relationship as a way to emotionally abuse me. He constantly convinced me any issue I took with his negative behavior was because I was so messed up because I was stupid enough to stay in an abusive relationship. In retrospect I see that he was preying on me as a person who was in a very vulnerable emotional state. The fact I had left a physically abusive relationship set me up to be “ok” with any abuse that didn’t involve physical injury. He never raised a hand to me but he damaged me far more than my abusive ex-husband. He took away my ability to trust my own emotions and instincts for a very long time. If you put narcissim on a 1-10 scale I would say my ex-husband was a 7, this guy was a 10. The guy who was a 7 was physicsally violent while the 10 wasn’t. What he did was much more insidious. Gas lighting, compliments that were laced with insults (one I remember in particular, that’s a nice outfit, it hides how fat you are). He was so much worse. While the 7 blamed me for all of his mistakes, I feel like the things he did hurt me with his selfishness, the 10 seemed to intentionally hurt me emotionally for no better reason that to entertain himself and perhaps inflate his own ego.
jake, women in your life have given you that perception. stop giving your time to those types, not all are like that. Both men and women can be oppressed and tend to be narcissistic, by the way. what you described can be regarded as either sex. you know that, right? you have clearly spent your time wasting and studying on this topic hating on women whom you chose to spend time with. or you are just a submissive in denial, who strong women take advantage of? grow your balls, stand up straight.. don’t be a little bitch- every women finds that highly unattractive. it’s evolution. get over it, if she is so horrible. why would you waste your emotions on such a bad person? that goes for anyone. if you know so much about the warning signs, and despise these types of women, why do you continue to have so much passion toward them? no drama, move on, and find a sweet loving girl who will show none of the above. no head games etc. let it go dude. you got this when you decide. the power is in your hands, not some bitchy narcicist! 😉
I agree with your statements, especially the misrepresentation of NPD. These ppl are dangerous yes, but the disorder stems from a childhood saturated with abuse of some sort, usually emotional. And this is coming from a doctor in psychology. The author of this publication has a responsibility to disseminate accurate information.
Narcissism can stem from many things. I don’t think we should rule anything out. My ex Narc of 11 years. Was and is the Golden Child. Very entitled upbringing…over priveledged very selfish superiority complex. Etc etc. His parents counted on him for almost everything.And they still do. When he was growing up While his Dad was off making money illegally He was home w his mom and siblings taking care of the ranch. He was raised in a very priveledged home on 500 acres with lots of freedom. Materialistic
And learned how to lie cheat and steal to get what he wanted at any cost. Even the cost of his freedom. Its all about what you can get and how to manipulate the system to get it. That is what he was taught growing up and he carries on that way as an adult. No conscience no morals or values. Just Now Now Now. Fun fun fun. Stuff money everything shallow is what is important. I have never been around a more emotionally shallow family. I Always felt out of place.And am thankful I did not marry him. I would never have had a life…because for 11 years..it re volved around him. And when his parwnts moved to my home town…just down the street from my house. It was even worse. Not all Narcs develop from physical mental or emotional abuse. There is such a thing as over indulgence and entitlement. And just plain not caring about the heartful things in life.
So true. They never change and can never admit to the wrong they have done. You are his “primary dupe” and he will leave for good when he finds another one. Stop being attached to his b.s. it will leave you depleted and devastated. Detach from him and you will get stronger and find some peace.
It might feel good to believe they were spoiled into being this way. Maybe some of them were. But the ones I have known best were actually ignored by indifferent parents. One actually told me, and this is word-for-word, “What saved me was I realized I was actually smarter than all the people around me.” In reality, he had average intelligence or (I believe) actually slightly below average. He thought he was a genius, however. He had to leave a graduate program because of his compulsion to demand attention in class and grand stand. He alienated the teachers. I remember another one I knew (who was a psychiatrist!) and I remember telling someone, “She is never wrong and nothing is EVER her fault.” That’s why I googled up this article. Her father had been so over-bearing that their mother ran away and left them and that was (I suppose) part of what made her into a flaming narcissist. Take care, everyone, and get these people out of your life if you can.
I am personally seeking treatment for BPD and stumbled across this information on NPD. It all sounds so very much like my husband. even the “golden child” up bringing. I try hard to offer up kindness and fairness to all of my children and give to them all that I can and my husband does the same but this is not the same as the “golden childhood” that people might think and not the one my NPD husband experience. the idea that a child is never wrong and is taught to win at all costs is only “golden” in the way that gold is heavy and hard to carry around. My husband has all but one of the traits, the only one he is missing is that he never exaggerates what he has done or could do. the reason for that is simple in our 13 years of marriage I have never seen him fail once at anything (except caring for me) but then I have never seen him try at anything he might fail and he is not able to quit or be seen by anyone until it is perfect. My heart is heavy for him and inability to be anything but perfect, admired and right. he just seems like a scared little boy unable to let himself down, unable to grow, unable be really seen or loved…………….
This was helpful. But I am still very, very angry. There is no closure for the person who gets to be always right and never apologizes. It is so very hurtful. This person is a relative, and the direct relation this person is married to is dismissive, and talks over me. When I asked that he not have that behavior anymore, a malevolent storm was leashed upon me by both of them. But then I realized…my direct relation has no respect for women (in part due to our mother). He is angry and frustrated…he has to live with a spouse who is female and who is always right and never wrong. He is stuck in a hell that is never-ending.
What really irks me though, is that a simple issue should result in them not speaking to me, texting my son to say that I am unintelligible, and saying, “how could you do this to us when we have done so much for you? Funny, they never remember all the things that I have done…
Its sad…and I guess there is no answer.
Narcissistic woman will never love you because they would rather belittle you make you out to be the abuser it is not logical to claim to be perfect its just not possible to be perfect we are all human. Narcisstic woman only need you for service they are horrified of giving affection freely because they dont think its cool. If a narcisstic woman says she loves you run fast because these woman are only in love with what you can do for them and they are punishers deep down but like you to think your the abuser so they can keep sucking the life right out of your soul its called narcisstic supply. They need it like a drug addict needs drugs.I fell in love with a fake and I confronted her about having narcissim and now she has discarded me. They say they trusted you but I swear to god they dont trust anyone ever. They lie straight to your face and if you ever notice they do not cry because there only in love with themselves is been a painful experience trting to love a narcissist. God bless love the true meaning of love is forgiveness but these types are very hard to forgive because they never resolve anything so you end up divorced and feeling completely betrayed and the betrayed is never loved because its your fault you wanted them to be happy I dont think theyll ever be happy unless they have conflict or someone to put down and abuse.
Punctuation, please, ffs!
Same thing what my wife right now is showing me. She makes mistakes and try to put the blame on me. Rather than accept her own mistakes and think what can she do to avoid making the same mistakes. I love her and our daughter so much, but to her arguing right in front of our kid until i snapped and say some bad words about her she cries and now our daughter thinks im the bad guy.
I’m kind of in the same situation my fiance is expecting and i love her dearly, it kills me when we argue and how she can never admit when she’s wrong.
My ex will never apologize for anything. To him, I was always wrong. He has done so many things to hurt me but will later act as if nothing has ever happened and when I would try to talk about it, he always said that it’s the past and would fly off of the handle and then says that it was all of my fault and would go another two weeks without talking to me. A few years ago, I lost my father and simply asked him if he could turn the TV down a little because I had a headache from crying so much and his response was: It’s not my fault that your dad died don’t take it out on me (while being evil and screaming). He’s done so many ugly things to me. He’s 47 with no children, never been married, dates women off of chats lines, ride a motorcycle and loves showing it off and play video games all day after getting off of work. He drives 18-wheelers for a living and is a Jehovah’s Witness by religion and criticizes others but never see his own mistakes. I tried to just love him for him but he was just so insensitive. He also kept in contact with all of his Ex’s. While arguing he’d say things like: As a child I never defended myself but I’m grown and no one’s going to make me feel like I’m wrong. He’d then say: I’m always right and you can ask my friends because they know that I’m never wrong. He argues with all of his co-workers and only has a few friends but they all would tell me to just ignore him because he wasn’t a bad person. It’s sad for anyone to be so mean.
Sounds like my ex! And it’s very hard to understand how they can be so cruel! Hurt my feelings almost ever week! But wouldn’t ever admit he shouldn’t of contacted an Ex or missed my 50th party to go golf! It’s like he lived his fantasy world on line, date sites, face book, etc ….. Never one apology! Never wrong, even with proof! He would just ignore me. Glad he’s gone! I had a lucky escape. Hope your well.
Oh My….although a bit off the topic, is he a Sagittarius? Sounds so much like one I have dated. Blames everyone else for their shortcomings and NEVER EVER sees the fault in themselves. It is a never ending battle of beating your head against a brick wall. They will never change.
You just told my story. My husband was bi-polarwhen I married him, though I had no clue. Ten years ago he stopped taking his pills. I was sure he wasn’t the person I married. He became mean and is always right. U can’t win an argument because he goes crazy. He has to be right all the time and he never apologizes. The few truck driving friends he had say the same thing about him. He’s just stressed. He’s the nicest person otherwise. He has everyone fooled. Why doesn’t anybody see what’s wrong with this ppl. He was ignored by his dad as a child. His dad favors the older brother. He and his dad have shouting machetes, either of them is ever wrong. Its been a hard life. Get out if u can or you will go nuts. I thank my God and Savior that after 30 yrs I still have my sanity.
I apologize for coming from left field here but some of the comments are disturbing, things against people who are “always right” because they “get to be” and it’s especially disturbing to read this:
“For example, she married my father and later divorced him…but she would never say that marrying my father was a mistake because she was always right—she didn’t make mistakes. Her rationalization was that marrying him was the only way she could get away from her oppressive Old World father, therefore it was the right thing to do. That she was 16 and her father was no more oppressive than the fathers of other 16-year-old girl of that era was not material: she wanted to run her own life and marrying my father was an immediate and certain way to do that”
Yeah, and? Who the shite are you to try and get your mother to admit that marrying your father was a mistake? I’m sorry but that is not your place as her daughter, let alone as someone external from their relationship. If there were any other reasons for her leaving him, things she might have told you, then so it, but to believe that your mother must somehow admit that marrying your dad was a mistake is a horrid thing to say. Sorry, but it is. You are in no place to determine whether another person being with someone was ever a “mistake.” So who is the narcissist there?
Anyway, those at large should be careful about trying to scapegoat those with a tendency for correctness, and who assert that correctness for the sake correctness and truth–it’s about how, and even why it’s presented that determines the difference.
You are also not in any place to gauge the intelligence of another human being. He just might be smarter than the people around him, and maybe it’s you that can’t comprehend his mind enough to level with him, so you say he has average to below average intelligence?
This article was written by a narcissist, plain and simple.
@RM, it sounds as if you fit this profile and deep down you realize it and it hurts you so all you can do is lash out at the people on here who have gone through their own personal hells…. I know where as I speak
I have been in a on again off again relationship for 10 yrs with a man who is bipolar and a narcissist. I keep thinking he will change and have wasted so many yrs of my life. I even helped him thru cancer alone. Even his own adult children wouldn’t help me. After he recovered the children decided I was no longer needed and told lies and he threw me out. 2 yrs later he begged me to move in with him only because he was afraid his pregnant daughter was going to move in. He is a very wealthy business man and his work demands alot. He convenienced me to get my old serving job so I could work part time and then be able to travel with him. At 1 time he confessed to being addicted to porn and this led to prositutes on line, he has a thing for very young black girls. I come from a abusive father and have had therapy in the past, never did I think I would be in the situation I am in. The mental games he plays, the lies, cheating, degrading!!!!! I feel so trapped and at times I seriously think about ending my life. I can’t take the mental games. Everyone told me not to listen but he has his good moments. Thats what I hold onto. I am 52 yrs old. It sucks trying to start your life all over again. Its sucks waking up to a man who has no compassion. He thinks everything is my fault. Always accusing me of cheating, Really! I convenienced him to go to therapy, he quit. I tried to get him to go to church, too much guilt I guess. Ive drained myself emotionally trying to help him. I should be happy but he makes me miserable. So if anyone thinks their with narcissist or bipolar, if they don’t want help, you cannot help them. they will destroy you like he has me. I trusted his lies of a happy life and it has ruined mine. I use to think GOD help him now I just want GOD to help me get away from him. Im looking for full time work but I just don’t know If I can handle him in the meantime. I am so ashamed of myself. At times the mental abuse is so much I just want go to a mental hospital. I know this is my own fault for staying, I thought I could love his pain away, I was wrong.
Pure genius,been dealing with a textbook narcissist (my sons mother) for years and this is the kind of shit that gets me through it
Hi everyine,
I came upon this article because I think amd am not sure if my partner is a narcisist… He lacks empathy for others, he’s a person who doesnt usually cry and when I do he considers it something ridiculous and does not comfort me, je jist stands there. His family are not known to be very effectionate people in general…but that may just be an excuse.
When we have arguments….he os always right and I’m always wrong…in his mind he has never done anything wrong, and can necer say he’s sorry.
He tends to insult and looks for ones faults instead of give.compliments and look.for ones good.points…But he considers himself perfect.
All in all je is not a.bad person because he wouldnt hurt a fly…and he has been sad at times..and has shed a tear or two now and then. If I meed something he helps out, but sometimes he doesnt.
He spends most of his time in hos computer as he is an IT…
He is also very shy which makes him antisocual and rude at times because he doesnt know how to act in frint of people. I am hos opposite…
We are best friends, bit sometimes I.feel sad pr down and he makes me feel worse sometimes.
I think he has some pychological disorder/s…
I’m a ver outgping and social person who is always concerned about others and helping others, and generally feel happy but his vad negative attitude bring me down.
Anyone have any comments on this? Would be appreciated! Kind regards
Hi Dani,
Personalities move on a spectrum. Everybody is different because we score differently on the 5 dimensions of personality. Some people can score quite low on Extraversion or very high on Neurotism, but this does not give them automatically a personality disorder. It will only be a disorder if it bothers the person in his functioning in real life or not able to reflect on his own behaviour and hurt others.From what you are describing it is very hard to justify a personality disorder. He does not sound like a Narc to me, but if he comes from a family where it is “not normal” to show empathy than it will be very hard for him to show this as nobody showed it to him.
I sadly fell in love with a narcissist. We have been apart over a month – my choice because of his almost bi-polar behaviour. He’s been spiteful, mean, even said he didn’t want to see me. So when I stopped seeing him because he said he didn’t want to see me, I was wrong. I tried a lot of things. I tried to just be friends. Wrong. I tried to move the relationship on. Wrong. I stopped the relationship. Guess what? I was wrong again. Nothing is good enough or right for the narcissist. It’s taken me some time to learn that that is HIS problem. Not mine.
Nikki,
Your story sounds all too familiar. I’m still in love with the angel he can be. But the mean side, his verbal abuse and lack of acknowledging his part in any friction dumbfounds me every time. He can lay in bed and be so emotionally open and loving and by the evening, hate me.
The crazy is we’ve only been together six months and Not being the one to fall in love easily, fell for him. I’m 40 and finally thought he was the one. It happened so fast, but it felt undeniably real. For those reasons, it’s been hard for my heart to say goodby. It’s only been a few weeks since our 3rd (and what I hope and believe is our final) breakup. I can only describe his last episode as a narcissistic rage. I honestly feel like my fear only egged him on. Like it was a control game. In the end, after him acting like nothing happened, I have no choice to admit this is no foundation for a lasting relationship. And I feel sorry for him. I think it stems from his childhood and he’s never explored therapy to deal with his verbally abusive mom… a commonality we shared that bonded us from the beginning… and how we weren’t interested in having a relationship with that energy. But here I am. And he tells me I make him feel like he’s reliving his childhood. Which makes me feel terrible, but funny, he makes me feel the same.
It’s like we’re always hurt in the same way at the same time, but I honestly don’t feel as if I treat him with the same disrespect and meanness as he treats me. We’re both extremely sensitive…..
I don’t know…
In the end, I feel like I’ve taken the time to look inward, it’s in my nature, and he has as well, at times, but as time passes, it’s starting to feel less genuine. And I’m starting to doubt his honesty… which doesn’t feel good.
He has a son and appears to be a great dad from what I hear, but I do feel he treats me different behind closed doors….
Every time a read “RUN” or “GET AWAY” it sounds so harsh. Like these people are murderers. But I guess they are abusers. I’ve never felt so emotionally drained or defeated by someone I genuinely love. Who can’t seem to recognize my love. Or trust it.
My fear is I’ll return to him 6 months down the road if I still feel this passion and energy that connected us when we touched… which admittly overpowers the negative drama at times.
Anyway… thanks to those of you who succumbed to reading my venting…
Best of luck to everyone
Also, deep down, because you put up with my abuse, I will never respect you. You are NOT someone I would keep as a real partner. Someone I would actually want would never stay with me because they wouldn’t put up with my abuse. But I will always be on the prowl because if someone actually did stay with me I wouldn’t respect them anyway. The minute you agree consciously (by saying you want to get back together) or subconsciously (sleeping with me), I will no longer respect you or want you as a true partner. The minute you show you care I am no longer interested…except to abuse you more. That makes me very happy and gives me narcissistic supply.
Yes, I just broke up with a narcissist five months ago. They make you feel like the most amazing person in the beginning, and then turn into monsters. My ex-boyfriend used to stare, and I mean really stare at women while we were out. It was horrible, and left me with stomach aches for four months as I try to figure out what the root of it was because everything else in the relationship seems so normal, and he was constantly planning our future together. So, I eventually set up a counseling session and broke up with him in the session because I was afraid of his rage back at the apartment. He refuses to believe that he stares at women, absolutely refuses. Meanwhile, it was on ending an absolutely horrible to live through. Just the other day I got a 20 paragraph email telling me about how wrong I was and how much I ruined everything. The funny thing is, if you look at his Instagram, you see that he follows all these 20 something-year-old B models and young women. He’s 50. So, even though he is telling me I’m crazy and he was never leering at these women, he stupidly has complete proof all over his Instagram. He will never see it, though. No matter how right I would be, or how much proof I would put in his face, he was never wrong, it was always me. By the way, my mother is a narcissist which is why I am attracted to these people. As uncomfortable as it is, my mind is used to the behavior. Trying to break the cycle now. I’m telling you, the only way to survive these people is to get out.
Why does it seem like women can be so, so, SO naive when it comes to facing the truth about their narcissistic partners? They’ll return to the bad situation, over and over, and even put themselves at risk of bodily harm to stay with someone that is obviously a terrible person and will almost certainly never, ever change.
That being said, I’ve never been in a relationship with a narcissist, but I’ve had them in my life. They’re verbally cruel, yet absurdly sensitive and always act like when you stand up for yourself that YOU’RE being a total jerk for no reason. They’re hypocritical to a tragic extent, and will frequently take their anger and frustrations out on you, then pretend like nothing happened. Worst of all, they get others on their side, because they’re so out of touch with reality they genuinely act as if they’re the victim.
I swear, they are disgusting MONSTERS that will destroy your life.
I believe Narcs create Narcs. I say that because the reciever (me in my opinion) can become just as bad when faced with daily abuse as printed above. I refuse to become a victim so I give as good as I get. By doing that I can see myself committing some of the traits above. The relationship then becomes competitive and from that point on is a living hell with daily arguments and little peace.
Narcs analyse. You can see it happening. That time they spend starring at you, saying nothing, but the facial expressions change. Then boom. For some or other manufactured reason you’re now the reason they’re life didn’t go to plan or they’re in some kind of depression because of something you didn’t do for them. No mention of the fact that they did nothing for themselves, it’s all your fault.
Hey guys I have read the full amount of comments and I want to share with Mr Jakes and all that has came encounter with a narcissistic relationship, or any other type of connection with as replies on this page….
Listen I have discovered about NPD on my own I reserched this illness or disorder for a while now and I am a survivor of the topics as my ex boyfriend n what I need to know from Mr Jakes is since I parted company from my narcissistic ex, instead of him leaving me …speaking of one of the signs of the narcissist that they usually leave you…
Question being does that make me a narcissistic female.
there are so mamy in areas of life towards personal friendships, family, workplace and spirtual. so sick of freakin non empathetic people who don’t place themselves in someone elses’ shoes. Gosh how sad that these people don’t experience compassion and enjoy hurting people emotionally. geez I’m glad I’m not like this.
If you get into a relationship and realize there is something very wrong about this person then you need to do some research. I had never heard of narcissistic personalities. I found out the hard way. Thank God I only stayed a year. His own mother said I needed to run when she met me. He’d been diagnosed with this at the age of 5. His counselor said he hated that kid and that the mother should take the other son and run. They show no remorse or sympathy for what they have done or to who they did it to. You mine as well commit suicide if you continue to stay with a narcissist. The narcissist will have you doubting everything about yourself. Get help and leave NOW!
I think my sister-in-law for over 40 years has many of the narcissist personality traits. She is extremely dominating in all her relationships and if you don’t agree that she is right she cuts you down and then gives you the cold treatment even in front of other people.
She says she is a Christian and has started calling me long distance for the last 6 months. The conversations start out nice but then she says she needs to talk about the past and the things that my husband has done to her and his brother. Her husband had an affair on her sometime in the first few years of her marriage. She now says my husband saw his brother and this woman in a car together and that I called her and gave her the info about this event. My husband never saw this and I never called her. My husband is only 1 1/2 years older than this brother-in-law. Both brothers grew up working on other peoples farms. My husband’s father had a nervous breakdown and my husband was the only one working. After his father got better and retired, my husband left the rural area and moved to the city and learned a trade. She blames my husband for deserting her husband when in fact he followed my husband to the city 3 months later.
She has her husband convinced that we were never there for them. I have reminded her of the times when we did all live in the same city for 20 years of the times she called on us and we were there for them trying to get help for her husband but her memory does not match what we did and how my husband took his brother in for rehab for his severe drinking and depression. She start getting louder until she is screaming into the phone.
If you don’t agree with her on even small things when you see both of them at family gatherings they will turn and walk away from you. My brother-in-law has become very passive. He listens to this woman and believes all the lies that she tells about all of his silbings and their wives.
On the phone she talks very rapidly and changes topics rapidly and it’s hard to follow her. When I tell her I need to get off the phone she doesn’t hear me. She has screamed and cursed at me. My husband and I believe she is bi-polar. She did say she was treated by a psychiastrist and took medication but they diagnoised her wrong. But on another phone call later, she told me she was on a lot of different medications but would not give me the names of her illnesses.
On one conversation I asked her to forgive me for anything I had done to hurt her through the years. I gave her scriptures for forgiving and letting go of the past but she has never once told me or any other person in our family that she is sorry, wrong or asked for forgiveness. She seems to strive on blaming others for all the wrongs prior to her marriage and after.
She has a poor relationship with her daughter. She is a perfectionist. I’ve told her where she said things that hurt me deeply in the past and present and she dismisses them and changes the subject back to her. I’ve caught her in her lies but confronting her does no good. The sad thing is that she has caused a rift in my husband’s relationship with his brother.
Also, it’s very sad that my husband’s brother is now disabled and on a lot of medication and so dependent on this controlling woman. She won’t let my husband speak to his brother.
She called today while I was reading the comments on this site but I did not answer the phone, only listened to her message. I pray for her and her husband but I’m not going to listen to her screaming, cursing and lies. My husband and other family members have told me not to take her calls anymore.
She is the author of so many untrue lies and gossip in a large family that relationships have only now started to heal because everyone now knows she has serious mental problems with possible narcissist traits.
I have empathy and compassion and tried to be there for my sister-in-law when she called me. I will continue to pray for her and my brother-in-law. However, she is always telling me and other family members where we are wrong and she is right on various subjects.
So can you have a mental illness such as bipolar and be narcissist too?
I have finally went dark with my parents. It has taken me 18 years to figure out that I was dealing with two very narcissistic people. I got the guts to just be done after they intentionally tried to wreck my marriage. Reading this article has solidified my decision to stay away.
This is true my sons Farther is like this an he can’t see what he is doing all the other women he’s been with just seem to be Slaved by him with his words i didn’t fall for it because i learn not to because my mother is the same way An they both don’t see that they cause conflict in my kids An myself life’s .. they put Blam all on me an tell me I’m wrong about everything.. so i might just let them be right An just give up an maybe they will open there Narcissistic minds when I’m gone .. not dead gone no I’m talking bout up an leave gone just like he said he wanted to be with my mom instead of me cause narcissistic mind think alike.. lol sad
I’m on my second narcissist wife. I can honestly say, I have had suicidal thoughts recently. Absolutely nothing I do for this woman is EVER good enough. I don’t even know why she married me anymore….the only thing I can come up with is that she needs someone around to blame everything on because there has only been 1 thing in our 16 years of marriage that she’s not blamed me for which was our my son’s cancer from my 1st marriage. Everything else is fair game and has been. If something happens, it HAS to be someone’s fault and it CANNOT be her’s, ever. As a Christian, I have recently considered backing away from our church membership and from my ministries altogether because I feel like we are living a lie. People would say she’s a woman of God…..they might think differently if they saw what happens in our home. I’m no Saint so don’t misunderstand….but I don’t walk around life as if I am always right either. I think the biggest part of the equation is that I have to wonder if what she is saying about me all of the time if true or not. Some of it is…..but it gets twisted into a bigger blame game, especially for her need to justify anything she’s done or how she’s treated me or the kids. I just don’t have any solutions to this. What I do know is that the best day of my life will be my last day.
Oh, no. They’re never wrong!
One of the last encounters I had with my miserable Narc mother,
the one that really put me on the **it list, was that I had the temerity to say that she may have caused an accident that she had because the sideways tire drag marks from her car in the lane of the oncoming truck clearly indicated she turned left in front of the truck. Oh, no. He wasn’t paying attention.
I never met anyone else quite like her. Never a hug. Never tender words to me or my family. Never any admission of wrongdoing. Never any apology. Lots of criticism, insults, and shaming though.
She finally did the world a favor and died. She was so toxic, her grave should be declared an EPA hazardous waste site.
I only discovered the narc mother thing when I was about 60. Sadly, I find comfort in knowing that others have suffered with a mother like mine. There is nobody I know who would believe what I went through with the bitch. I don’t want to hook up with a shrink, either. I am retired, so I don’t have to deal with workplace A holes anymore.
I am comforted also by the fact that while she was still in my life, she totaled her car (it was the truck driver’s fault that she turned left in front of him), and before that ran into a garbage truck that was stopped (also not her fault). She was pissed because I wouldn’t take her car shopping, and my cunning brother managed to put the non-car shopping thing totally on me. Happy to say, she showed me by selling her house and moving out of state by him (to spite me). I would imagine that she was miserable trading her comfortable house with familiar doctors, shopping senior citizen shuttle and activities and acquaintances all close at hand, for her new life in assisted living in a dumpy area in Pennsylvania. Sorry to say, she only lived for 3 years. I am sure she was miserable and she made my golden brother nuts. But that was probably my fault too. Sorry she didn’t live for 10 years more.