Last Updated on March 13, 2023 by Alexander Burgemeester
We’ve all met them, the boss that hates being corrected, the romantic partner that can’t handle being upstaged, or the friend that’s always putting you down to bring themselves up.
Someone with a big ego typically display inflated self-importance, show arrogance, and seek attention or validation from others.
Interrupting conversations, refusing to admit fault, and overestimating their abilities are also common traits. They may be insensitive to others’ needs and feelings and engage in behaviors to appear superior.
While individuals with big egos may have an inflated sense of self-importance and seek attention and validation from others, they typically have a realistic view of their abilities and do not lack empathy.
Narcissists, on the other hand, often lack empathy, manipulate others, and have a constant need for admiration.
Knowing which type of person you’re dealing with and what makes them tick will vastly improve your life and your interactions with these people.
Three things you’ll learn from reading this article:
We compare having a big ego to having narcissism and highlight their similarities and differences.
We Discuss the characteristics of someone with a big ego, such as their self-centeredness and tendency to seek attention and validation.
How to avoid a narcissistic relationship and maintain boundaries with individuals who have big egos or narcissistic tendencies.
What Does It Mean to Have a Big Ego?
Having a big ego means having an inflated sense of self-importance and an exaggerated belief in one’s own abilities, achievements, and importance.
People with a big ego often seek attention and validation from others, and may have a tendency to dominate conversations and situations. They may also have a strong desire to be right and may struggle with admitting when they are wrong.
Individuals with a big ego may display arrogant behavior and may be overly confident, even in situations where they lack the necessary skills or knowledge.
They may also have a tendency to belittle or dismiss the opinions and contributions of others.
While having confidence and self-esteem can be positive traits, having a big ego can be detrimental to relationships and personal growth.
It can make it difficult for individuals to connect with others and may prevent them from learning from their mistakes and improving themselves.
The Characteristics of Someone with a Big Ego
Saying someone has a big ego is considerably vaguer than defining a person as a narcissist.
The difference between the two is often a matter of degree. These are some of the most common characteristics of someone with a big ego.
#1 They’re Very Confident
Someone with a big ego might also have an inflated sense of self-importance, but their views are grounded in reality.
Maybe this person is the boss at your company or at least a star performer.
Their immodesty about their importance is irritating to be around, but their sense of self isn’t veering into the delusional territory.
#2 They’re Ambitious
Look at the top ranks of any Fortune 500 company and you’re likely to find some big egos (and a few narcissists).
Getting to the top of the corporate ladder requires serious ambition, something that is often accompanied by a big ego.
If they’ve made it this far, they’ll probably have a high opinion of themself.
#3 They’re Externally Motivated
Someone with a big ego wants others to see and reward their success.
They want to know how much everyone else is being paid at work to see how they measure up.
They’re also likely to pay attention to other’s job titles and order them into a hierarchy.
#4 They’re Self Centered
Big egos tend not to notice those around them. It’s not that they don’t care about anyone else, but they come first.
With a little prodding, they can be made to understand that other people have needs that might need attending to first.
The line between high self-esteem (a desirable quality) and a big ego (a mildly annoying quality) is a fine one.
People with big egos are often very successful; society rewards them for their confidence and ambition.
Narcissism, on the other hand, makes every relationship a toxic and one-sided one.
It’s near impossible to have a meaningful friendship, romantic relationship, or productive workplace association with a narcissist.
The Ego of the Narcissist
Narcissism isn’t always easily defined. Narcissists come in several forms, and some of them can appear quite similar to a person with a big ego. These are a few of the most common types.
Pro-Social Narcissists:
These are the so-called “do-gooders” that are always doing something for the community or humanity at large.
Look at their motivations though, and you’ll find that they’re in it because they need the attention and praise of others.
Since their actions are beneficial, and they seem to understand the needs of others, these narcissists aren’t much of a danger to society.
Malignant Narcissists:
They’re nearly the exact opposite of a pro-social narcissist.
They have low self-esteem and the only way to rectify it is by bringing other people down to their level.
These types of people are conniving, vindictive, and completely untrustworthy.
Read more about the Malignant Narcissist
Covert Narcissists:
Less obvious than the previous two, covert narcissist keep their feelings and motivations to themselves.
They’re still very self-absorbed and believe the world is not giving them what they deserve.
This makes them more likely to turn their anger inward, leading to feelings of depression.
High-Functioning Narcissists:
This is often what we call a big ego.
High-functioning narcissists are ambitious, charming, and have very high self-esteem.
Sometimes they ignore other people’s feelings, but they have a decent grasp of society’s rules and expectations.
They do their best to follow these guidelines while getting as much power, praise, and attention for themselves.
They cross over into narcissistic territory when they no longer care about social norms or are incapable of following them.
Read More about the High Functioning Narcissist
What is the Difference Between Narcissism vs Egotism?
We’ve covered what a person with a big ego is like, but to really understand how they’re different from narcissists, we need to compare their traits more specifically.
These are ten of the most important differences between big egos and narcissists, and the distinction between the two can be invaluable in understanding how to deal with these personalities.
#1 Narcissists Lack Self Esteem
Both big egos and narcissists would appear to have high self-esteem.
However, this is only true of the former; narcissists actually have incredibly low self-esteem and are constantly in need of validation.
This is why they’re so likely to lash out at you over criticism. Even the slightest negative comment will cause them to question their self-worth.
The primary reason for narcissists to form relationships is simply to receive affirmation.
If you’re not providing this in the form of narcissistic supply, you are of no use to them.
Big ego appreciate compliments and self-esteem-boosting comments, but they already have a high opinion of themselves and one person’s affirmation won’t do much for them.
#2 Big Egos Still Have Empathy
People that have big egos appear to not care about anyone else, but they’re actually just too busy thinking about themselves to notice others.
Get them in the right situation though, and they have the same level of empathy that anyone else does.
Because they’re looking to gain control over a person or at least use them as a source of supply, narcissists notice everything about other people.
Narcissists are expert observers but don’t feel the emotions of the people they’re watching.
They can’t put themselves in another person’s shoes, and they don’t particularly want to. They only care about others insofar as they can be of use to them.
#3 Narcissists Will Show Admiration for You (Initially)
Big egos tend to ignore those around them. They know they’re a big deal and everyone else is below them.
While this exaggerated sense of self might not be accurate, it means that big egos rarely show admiration for anyone but themselves.
The opposite is true with narcissistic personalities. During the idealization phase of a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist speaks nothing but admiration and praise for their target.
They’re not lying either, narcissists attribute positive feelings to their partner during this stage because that person makes them feel good about themselves.
It’s only when that feeling diminishes and the devaluing stage beings that all of that gets turned on its head.
#4 A Big Ego Is Realistic
Big egos know what is possible and what is not possible. They don’t have grandiose ideas so much as plans for achieving their success.
Narcissists have less of an idea of where they’re going, but rather a plan for how to make you believe they can get there.
Narcissism is all about manipulation and getting others to go along with the narcissist’s worldview.
If someone seems grandiose in their ideas but incredibly charming, there’s a good chance you’re dealing with a narcissist.
Someone with a big ego is confident in their plans for the future, while a narcissist is sure to lash out if you challenge them.
#5 Narcissists Hold a Grudge
A tell-tale sign of a narcissist is that they hold a grudge and will seemingly never let go of it.
A person with a big ego will move on from the encounter quickly.
Their ego is big enough that minor slights aren’t going to damage it, and honestly, you probably weren’t that important to them anyway.
While they’d never want you to know it, you are incredibly important to a narcissist.
Your supply is one of the only things that brings them happiness. When you say something damaging to their ego, they’re going to lash out just to save face.
If you fire a narcissist, break up with them, or simply insult them, you’re likely to instigate a smear campaign.
Harm a narcissist’s ego and they won’t let go of their grudge against you until they feel the score has been settled and you’re in your rightful place beneath them.
#6 Big Egos are Simply Oblivious
People with big egos are often oblivious to the feelings of those around them.
They’re so focused on what they want and how they’re feeling, that they forget anyone else exists.
Narcissists are fully aware of other people’s feelings, they just don’t care about them.
For them, other people are tools to be manipulated. For the narcissist to manipulate someone, they need to understand them and apply pressure where it will be most effective.
This means they need an intimate understanding of that person’s personality, desires, and pressure points.
#7 Narcissists are Less Successful
One of the more depressing facts about narcissism is that it’s often judged on a person’s objective success.
If someone is rich, charming, and highly successful in their field, we are more likely to label them as a big ego rather than a narcissist.
The distinction boils down to big ego’s having something or a right to feel self-important.
If someone is successful, we give them a little bit of leeway when it comes to tooting their own horn. The same can’t be said for narcissists, who need to manipulate others into praising them.
How to Avoid a Narcissistic Relationship?
To be honest, you probably will want to avoid both big egos and narcissistic partners.
Neither is a healthy relationship, though narcissists are especially toxic while big egos just aren’t worth your time.
There are a few things you should be looking out for to avoid a relationship with a Narcissist.
Be Understanding, But Assertive
Given the chance, narcissists and big egos will walk all over you.
While it’s important to understand that narcissism comes from low self-esteem, it doesn’t mean that you need to cede to all of your partner’s demands.
If you feel like you’re being taken advantage of, let your partner know that there will be consequences if their manipulative behavior continues.
Don’t Assume You Can Change Them
Narcissists and big egos are the way they are because it works out well for them.
If they don’t have the motivation to change on their own, there’s little you can do for them.
Maintain Clear Boundaries
Whether someone is a narcissist or has a big ego, they probably don’t see you as being very important.
Set some ironclad guidelines for the relationship, and if they’re ignored, be ready to walk away.
Final Thoughts
Big egos and narcissism can come from very different places, but in the end, does it matter to you?
Not really, both are toxic to your relationships. Big egos and narcissists should be avoided, as they don’t have your interests at heart.
If you must be around a big ego or narcissist, don’t engage with them if possible.
You don’t want to be a source of narcissist supply, even if it’s just for the purpose of being nice.
Walk away if you can, and engage with those who can empathize with other people.
This is one wonderful article. Especially where you say “unrealistic expectations of themselves and others” and “they don’t (the big-ego people) fall into episodes of hopelessness” and “a n. sees the world through his self-centered lens” and “they have little regard for spouses, children, and friends”. I have been wondering for a while if my husband has npd. Now, I think it is clear. Your article really helped me get to this point. Thanks!
Thanks for the beautiful article.
Just, I’m not sure, I don’t understand one thing: what kind is narcissistic ego? Is it big or small, is it tough or fragile? Please, can you make more details on this?
Your title says “Narcissism or big ego”. This implies that they have small ego.
Thanks a lot!
I would really appreciate some feedback of whether showing this article to my brother (who despays all of the above criteria of being a narcissist) would be a good idea….he is causing havoc at the moment with our family business and is getting himself and us into trouble further afield. I’m afraid he is heading for a hard fall…would it do more harm than good?
I experienced the narcissist’s ego as big – never small.
He had a very big ego, and in the beginning I was drawn to his self-esteem and out-going nature. (paradoxically, his ego seemed both strong and fragile) Say what you aren’t supposed to say,
and that fragile ego can become enraged. But, I believe its strength depends on the constant admiration of other people that provide that supply
Only as much time went by, did I begin to understand the true picture.
A big ego can perhaps be annoying sometimes, but often not unhealthy ~
it usually isn’t terribly destructive and malicious.
They need SUPPLY, in the form of admiration, adulation, ~ it is like they “feed” on other decent “selves”, emulate them, and make use of them, until they can get no more use from them, or the other person confronts them with the mind boggling truth they’ve discovered about the narcissist.
Only then, do they discard, and they usually have numerous others as back-up supply, while looking for new “prey” all the time. However, they are not emotionally attached to anyone on any level, in a way that they would experience true empathy or remorse from any wrongs they have done. They don’t change……they just move on…..
He would often project on to me, if I dare question him, or try to assert any of my “rights” in the relationship – that if I could just “keep my ego in check”, all would be fine. That was just the beginning of a very degrading devaluation ~ they are locked in a highly destructive pattern of blaming and accusing others of not being “self-aware”!
When I came to the awareness that his “self” was false, I had a break down.
(however I escaped – this was the second time – he had promised counseling, but he reneged, saying, “So WHAT if I said we’d get counseling…it doesn’t matter.”)
The relationship must be on their terms – they are always right. Always.
You cannot express any dissent, question, or try to be intimate in any way, or you may face the narcissistic rage. (or be ignored, “gas-lighted”, etc.)
The one I knew demanded “unconditional cooperation”, and respect.
I was altered in a way I am still trying to recover from.
Narcissists can damage others, even those who profess to love them
dearly ~ especially those that attempt to love them.
A narcissist, as the article explains, is so much more than just a big ego….
and so much more dangerous to the human mind and heart.
c.
Dear c,
Sorry for what you’ve been through, I was in the same boat. We both know you’ve cried a lot deeply, here’s a way to shift all that hurt & pain. Perphaps before you met your N you had some emotional block and they did a clearing of that blockage…we are the Lucky ones, its inevidible that the N will get sick and loose there looks. You on the other hand are cleared for New delight.
Best to your heart~
M
P.s. don’t call him or her to thank them!!
Well said. It is very hard to come to terms with the fact that someone you loved and dedicated so much time to is actually this evil of a human being. It is so hard to not make excuses for them. Once they have you reeled in, it is very hard to escape. Especially when there are more people involved. A narcissist is the puppet master and you are the puppet. You will not have your own voice, opinions, hobbies, friends. They own you. They control you. They emotionally abuse you until you start to question yourself constantly. What makes it even worse, is that they will never feel sorry. They don’t give a fuck about your feelings as much as you want to think they do, they don’t. They build you up and then they tear you down until you feel like you are nothing without them. Until you feel like they are the only ones who will “put up with you”. Because in their eyes, you’re the one with the problem. You’re the one who needs help. They isolate you and turn people against you. Watch out for a narcsisst. They will absolutely destroy you. Nothing can get in their way. They love a challenge. They love being the one in power. And they want everyone to admire them for afar. And if you’re close to them, they want you to feel smaller, weaker, and no good with out them.
My narc was someone who adored and could not get enough of me until he got me hooked. He could never admit to any wrongdoing, plus he projected his mess onto me. He would call me crazy among other things. If i questioned why things changed he would go off and cause and cause more emotional turmoil. He also thought he was so important and had these delusions of grandeur that did not match up to his customer service job providing phone support. I realized a change which I now know as being devalued to be discarded. I will never allow someone to have that much control over a relationship again. I was anxious all the time because he would choose to give me the silent treatment whenever. He was also a wordsmith and plagiarist. I feel somewhat devalued but my self worth is not tied up in this guy. I called him out on his grandiose persona. He raged against me and ended communication. In hindsight that was definitely for the best. Had I had my bearings I would have already walked away. Healing is my top priority. Just had to vent.
When faced with reality, there are two options, leave or play the game. Well, I’ve learned to play the game. I know what is normal behavior and what’s not. What’s acceptable and what is annoyingly sick. I’m positioned now, and that arrogant, narcissistic, egotistical nastiness does not get the best of me. I am in control by not falling prey of this bullying behavior and making sure that if I start getting angry or emotional, I remember that I am in control. Nobody else. And I win. I show myself I can be the level headed adult in the relationship, constantly reminding myself that I an dealing with a forever imature individual, damaged either when conceived or while growing up. I see it clearly now. And it’s freeing, empowering, rejuvenating. I have a goal. And nothing will deviate me from it. Only death.
I can relate to everything you said. I too am recovering from this type of treatment. I’ve been with my husband for 12 yrs now and we live apart but comunicate daily again but I keep my distance for my own sanity and we get along better because he has a limited control over me. Its like we are in the first stages of dating and just getting to know each other. This is as far as anyone would want to get in a relationship with these types of people or they will tear you down. I refused to be a victim and it quit being fun to him. Its like hit me with your best shot. No reaction. No fun for them then they find something more normal to occupy their time.
It sounds like you have some “narcissistic traits” as well.
I thought marriage was give and take – for my wife is just “WINNING”;
I have tolerated her outrageous behavior and that fed more into her “narcissism”;
I told her that this will stop – she wants me out – however she wants everything that we have together.
She is raising narcissist kids on her likeliness – telling/teaching them never to be humble – never say sorry to nobody (but mom) – you’re the best ever (at doing nothing – my kids are just regular kids that are put constantly under pressure – they cannot enjoy their life as kids due to too many rules set my Nazi mom)
My wife thinks she is (has been successful), but now she is not due to ME…
The word that makes her more angry than anything else is when I pretend to sing Bieber ‘s song…
“My mama don’t like you and she likes everyone…” Of course I say that just as a “get back” response to her “grandiose” self and family and disparaging me and my family.
My understanding was that egotists are actually extremely insecure and that’s why they have to puff themselves up and why they are so focused on fulfilling their own needs. Isnt egotism simply a false front of someone who displays overconfidence but is in a desperate struggle for control, security, and acceptance? Im trying to learn the difference bn narcissism and egotism and i think this article confused me more…
You are correct in your assumption. This article is biased toward narcissism and depicts the egotist in a positive light. Narcissists are the more evil of the two, but having a big ego is certainly not a healthy attribute. Egotists in my experience exhibt many of the same traits as the narcissist. Egotists do not grow as people because they already believe they are adequate and capable enough when in reality they are not. The difference is an egotist is unable to see the world through someone else’s perspective, whereas the narcissist can but just does not care.
Narcissists have a compelling desire to control and put other down. Their own feeling of inadequacy makes them ridicule the strong people around them. They can bring you down by manipulating you into believing that there is something wrong with your way of thinking and leave you feeling deflated – if you let them.
I have been trying to understand what the problem is, why this man has a hold on me. I am a very strong and understanding woman and I know I need to get away for my own sake but…….. he plays on me. The lies the deceit, he is so good at coming across like it is me and he is doing things for my best. I live alone in his house in the country away from people, very isolated and he works 3 hours away. This had been 4 years and he keeps telling me it won’t be much longer, I don’t believe him. He tells me how much he loves me and misses me so much but I don’t hear much from him during the week. I know he leaves here and I am hardly a thought in his mind and he drink some lots and lies that he doesn’t. I feel abandoned and used. My name is on the mortgage and that worries me terribly. I will get out of here soon.
In the beginning there were so many things I missed, the tantrums when things didn’t go his way, how he always subtly manipulated things to benefit him, the continual family drama his folks had that I got sucked into. After we were married it became all about control to him- from what we ate to forcing me to work to how we decorated the house and what we purchased. He was neglectful of our children and would rage about their unexpected costs. Then he was constantly busy with extracurricular activities including his fraternity and these small business ventures he would spend hours and days on only to quit on them when things got challenging or he hit an obstacle. He was gone often 5-6 nights a week with all these things, leaving me to do everything. Our children developed chronic illness and one Autism and it has been a continual battle to get them proper help or supports. He will spend hundreds of dollars on himself but never wants to spend less than 100 for my son with Autism to have a weighted blanket or anything he might need. I suspect much of this time away was him having affairs or just avoiding us, hanging out with friends, etc. Any problems that have arisen I have to solve- my health has suffered with the heavy burden of working, dealing with him and his ego and distraction and raising two special needs kids. His new thing is he wants to travel all over the world- and I cannot, I have to work and raise the kids and any PTO at work I get I use for their appointments and take the occassional mental health day to keep myself from diving off the deep end. He has decided he will spend any extra money we have on his travel and pursuits of interest and too bad if we can’t go. He is disappointed I am not healthy anymore and not positive and energetic like all his friends wives- none of them have special needs kids or health issues. All he cares about is getting his needs met in every single way. He has tons of nice things and I have little to nothing- old clothes, he previously dented up my car, and I have a bunch of notebooks I write in to vent. I lost all my friends because our family situation is so out of control with both kids having behavior issues. He also has these ideas of grandeur that is special and has healing powers others don’t have, he thinks he is secretely brilliant and plans to run for politics one day. Mostly I see him trying to get attention and admiration from everybody. I am frustrated 24/7 with this relationship and just fed up. I told him today based on his behavior and attitude that he needs to find somebody better suited for his high needs and his oversized ego. I’m even willing to help him find a better match. I just want out. I am fed up with him not seeing my perspective ever, not caring, dumping all the responsibility on me and spending our money excessively on stupid things when our children need things that cost money like IVIG for their autoimmune diseases.
JANE DO,
some of your complaints are similar to those of my wife on me. She always blames me for not doing enough, despite me working extended hours and bringing abut three times more money than her. If I am near the kids she would intervene either because “I am a bad father” teaching them wrong, or that “now it’s not the time to be cuddling the kids, but should be outside working on the house”… If she is yelling uncontrollably to the kids and I try to mediate…soften the tones, she would physically push me away using a high pitched voice, very angry telling me to leave, as they are her kids and she knows better than me what she is doing – I had to threaten her with calling 911 or child protection services so she somehow stop knocking the door down… I strongly believe she does not know what damage she is causing to our kids. When she starts arguing with me and I don’t react she calls me a “coward”; if I argue back she would bring up minor things that happened 12 years ago and would “show” me how low life I am, and what big a sacrifice she is doing living with me…etc
Now thinking calmly, I look deep inside myself and I think I can find traits of narcissism in me… I am a strong willed person and I do not give up without a fight, but I know my limits. I am consistent in my thoughts and deeds, I am very tolerant and outgoing, but have become a bitter person with years… I find myself sarcastic at times… I kind of believed my wife that I really might be “low life” and not taking care of my family” just by worrying to much on my mother’s health (she does not live with us and my wife has forbidden me to help even the smallest amount of money) . We make around $100k a year, but I am not allowed to buy $20 hypertension meds to my mom – my wife fought physically to snatch the medicine bag so I would not give it to my mother… Her parents live with us and I am constantly told how much she and her parents are doing for our family. If I am to show “weak” emotion because somebody is suffering or if I were to tear while watching a movie like “Save private Ryan” I am to be ridiculed by her… And if I am ever to “complain” on anything both my wife and her mother would say “stop trying to portray yourself as a victim”….
I think I had a strong “ego” before getting married and had my wife not been such a bully, I could have been that crazy narcissist… but she crushed my on every level. I’d rise up any moment, but leaving her is more difficult than living with her.
I am a married man with three children. I work in health care and you’d think that I know a lot on psych issues. Well I thought so. My wife comes from a very strong, strict family. She and her family see themselves with high regard. They have voluntarily secluded themselves from their extended family…meaning they would visit their parents once a year. They consider it a great deal to have family or friends over for meal. My wife don’t want to go and threatened me with “stay away, stay there” “divorce if I went to my first cousin who lives on the next block… when she invited us for dinner. My wife and her parents who she brought in to “help” raising our kids “right” because I am not a “good” father, see other people with disregard… the only people who would impress them is Hollywood celebrities (although they are very reserved and do not exhibit “celebrity” status) but they gave me the (false) impression that I was visiting a “knightly” (if not royal) family. Stature straight, head held high with shoulders straight… My wife struggles to set me right; I am a “villager” on her eyes…. I do not eat correctly, I do not lay correctly in bed as I tend to be curled somewhat on my right side slightly in fetal position as opposed to keep my feet and body straight in line (it feels comfortable that way – not that I don’t turn and toss during the night)
Our kids are 12 y.o, 10 and 2; My wife “manages” to scream to the little one let alone to the older ones. She would be yelling at them for not being “good kids” and “well behaved” throughout the day… whatever they do. It don’t matter how hard they try they do something wrong on my wife’s mind. My 12 year old daughter is called “fat and lazy” by her own mom… We have a nice house, but our kids are not allowed to have a dog or a cat as my wife hates pets as much as she hates people. If/when my sister is visiting, my wife is very uncomfortable if passed 30 minutes. She would yell at me after my sister leaves..why she stayed that long – why did you sit on the couch when she was here – you should go work around the house so she can leave early (if disrespected)… I do have higher university degree(s) but to my wife I am “ignorant” un-educated, a bad father, bad husband… It took me 12 years to realize that her personality disorder is not just an “ego” and “great personality” but it is something that cannot be changed… further more – she has gotten worse with the years (just like as she says) because of “me” feeding to her disorder. If I do not fight back I am “not enough of a man”; if I fight back I am “not a good husband” who fights with his wife; If the kids are sick she complain why does she has to go through these troubles…she doesn’t percept other people’s suffering… by other people meaning anybody around her… me, kids, etc. If I say “poor kid” is having a cold etc… she would start an argument “why do you call her ‘poor’?”… she cannot accept any humility; no fault is ever hers – even when she acknowledges that she did something wrong that “admission”is just to tell me that it is “all” your fault that she “was lead wrong” by me…
The problem for me now is – I am used to her rants and misery, but I dread if I leave the kids would suffer even more than now. I have told her that she is such a bad mom surpassed only by a few moms that we have seen on the news killing their kids “just trying to make them look good or behave better, or become somebody in life”… The biggest problem is her inconsistency… one day she set a certain rule and when me or kids follow that rule she gets angry, yells or kicks stuff around… if confronted that she set that rule – she would snap bad. Me staying there looks easier than me out – she would fight (and probably win) sole full custody of the kids… she is willing to destroy everything and ruin us economically if i am to leave the family – yet she wants me out of the house… Yesterday she was kid of quiet, but then snapped for some no-sense things at home— for the first time I saw her as a “patient” and I felt really sorry for her. I am in desperate need for help, and have been reading intensively on other people who are in similar situations, and that has helped me some.
I fell for a guy online. Months of sweet talk. I fell for it. He always told me how great he was in bed. How he had a huge penis. Well we met. Three times. He whipped that bad boy out and said “I told you I had a big one!”. Maybe four inches. Sex sucked. Massive erectile dysfunction. Played with himself more than he had sex. Never did ejaculate. But he would always text a week later and brag how great he was when we hooked up. Later he hounded me for months for dirty pictures so he could masterbate. Humiliating. Every time he texted he wanted to know how good he was. And he had to know he sucked. After I ended it I told him for a guy 6′ 3″ he had a very small penis and sex with him sucked. He wouldnt believe me. So I send him a picture of my husband’s penis. Twice as big. Never heard from him again.
My husband is a narcissist and OMG, he is very hard to live with. We’ve known each other for 40 years but have only been married for 14 years. Our relationship has been tumultuous from the start and still is to this very day! Besides being a narcissist, I believe he suffers from IED or Intermittent Explosive Disorder where he throws fits of pure rage over the smallest things. He has an extremely bad temper and gets angry over the littlest things… I know we are not good for each other and after 40 years Ive FINALLY come to the end of my rope with this man. Seriously, thinking of moving out and ending this relationship once and for all.
Hi robyn, I almost never delete comments. But sometimes I am not able to review them within a few days because of other work or holidays 🙂
Thank you for your message,
Alex
I apologize. It was my fault. I didnt see the disclaimer where it said the posts are screened before it appears on the website. Thanks for your reply.
While recognizing each and every story, I would like to share another thing. How I conquered my npd ex.
I am still fighting legal matters 5 years after divorce. And they were hell. But made me stronger and more knowledgeable every time.
He is down on his knees now. Remember…. in such a relationship its him or you.
1. Short answers, leaving to find solutions with him. He needs to react at anything. So do not give him something to react on.
2. Ignore his deflecting answers. Repeat, repeat, repeat your question untill answered.
3. Stick tight to what you think you have to do. Your high empathy will try to redirect you and wants to believe his words again and again. Look like it like a business deal.
4. Get a couple of people you can really trust to tell your story and pour your heart out.
5. Treat getting loose from your narcissist as an addiction. You have to cut all ties or when kids involved till a minimum of that. You ARE addicted. Stop talking about him. Do not check his Facebook. Stop thinking: what would he think, do if I do that.
6. Teach your children to handle to npd parent in stead of avoiding. As long as you are the healthy one. They should just be fine. They will make their own choice in time due. Make things normal. E.g. daddy says that he is so alone when we are not with him…Well grannie is alone too and you see she is happy eventhough I am not with grannie all the time.
7. In legal matters: find his loopholes and contradictions. Only you can do that. Not your lawyer. Learn law. The choice is: give him everything and never have contact again or fight the fiercest fight of your live. I have kids so did the last otherwise he would have left me with all the debts he made just after he left the house and before I filed for divorce. AND I needed to toughen up.
8. His nice charming social etc behavior he shows to the outside is the mask THAT IS NOT THE REAL HIM. Do not think that he will eventually chance into that. He won’t. It a facade. Be very very aware of his episodes of charmtactics to get you where he wants you.
These are just a few lessons of many many many more I learned. I thrive, which is the biggist defeat of a npd person. You thriving.
And last…he has a brain disfunction. You see a normal person but he is disabled in the head. He cn never do things a normal person can do.
Good luck everyone!
Xx
I never had a person call me, perfect, his woman, love of his life, just what he always wanted, etc. That lasted 3 months, one minute, it was, you are hiding money from me. Move out ! Broke up for 7 months, then see him on Our time, he asks me out to dinner. Like a idiot I go, then, He poured it on even more. We are together FOREVER. I will not let you leave for any reason, so I move back in, almost to the day, 3 months later, same thing. You are doing the same thing again, Get out.As i am leaving he has the nerve to say, I (HIM ) would really make a good friend to you. He repeats that, 2 or 3 times as I am crying taking my stuff to my car. Big ego, explosive temper, mean,, Narcs are a F ing nightmare
I have trouble connecting healthy self esteem with health narciss I don’t see it .If you are egotistical, you are Toxic.
You are narcissistic. / When I sing a song well ,my feelings are I am glad I Swoon and touched your heart. It is about you not me . If a narciss sings well they absorb this feeling to themself and gives them a since of power over people and could at times become a mean spirit.And it’s about them. YUCK