In April 2020, trauma expert Shannon Thomas told Insider about the differences between healthy families, and families where a parent has NPD.
“In healthy families, you’re just yourself – your name, your talents, your strengths and weaknesses. You’re the person,” she said. But in a narcissistic family, things are different: “everybody has to find somewhere to be, and a job to do within the family… they either support the narcissistic parent or they are the focus of the narcissistic parent’s rage.”
What’s interesting is that the “jobs” or roles that Thomas talks about here are often quite similar between narcissistic families. As more and more people report their experiences – either with therapists or online – similar roles keep coming up, time and again.
As a society, we really need to get out heads around this – according to a study from 2008, rates of narcissism have been increasing, and the rate of increase has doubled since 2002. If this research is correct, then many of those narcissists will be having – or have already had – children of their own.
Since there are more narcissistic families out there than ever, it’s important that we understand narcissistic family dynamics – and the effect they have on the other members of the family.
So, let’s get started…
Narcissistic family dynamics: Why Do Narcissists Want Children?
To understand the narcissistic family, we first have to understand why narcissists would want to have children at all.
Why Do Narcissists Want Children?
Normally, having kids is a natural thing that happens when two people are committed to each other, and want to share the rest of their lives together.
But there’s a word in there that isn’t generally part of a narcissist’s vocabulary – “share”! People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) want everything to be about them.
But children are perhaps the ultimate sacrifice, you have to put their needs, their wants, their lives, ahead of your own. So why do narcissists bother?
Well, as with most decisions narcissists make, it boils down to their need for narcissistic supply (adoration, praise, and flattery – essentially,
they want people to act around them as though they truly are as fantastic as they imagine themselves to be), and their need to avoid narcissistic injury (hurt feelings that arise when someone suggests that the narcissist is not as fantastic as they think they are).
Do Narcissists See Children as an Instrument to protect their ego?
If you look at parenthood through this lens, you can start to understand how narcissists view children.
Although many narcissists lack self-awareness, they do have a good sense of how certain behaviors are perceived. Image is everything, and narcissists are highly attuned to society’s status symbols.
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In other words, they know what is considered respectful by other people.
Narcissistic parents understand that someone with a happy family life is seen as a better person, and therefore a family is a way to improve their image.
Now take this normal, healthy instinct to present yourself and your family in a positive way, and turn it up to 11. Make it an all-important obsession.
You don’t need to portray a happy family members image, you must portray the BEST family image. The happiest, most functional, most successful family ever! Now you’re getting close to how narcissists think about, and act towards, their families.
As well as being a way to present a good image to the outside world, a family gives the narcissist another opportunity – a group of people they will be able to maneuver into giving them the narcissistic supply that they need.
A mini-world they can retreat to and be top of the social hierarchy – no matter what else happens elsewhere in their lives, they’ll always have this safe space to return to.
The Narcissistic family structure
As we learned earlier, achieving these goals involves pushing family members into some common narcissistic family roles.
Let’s break down the narcissistic family dynamic, and see what these common roles are.
Keep in mind, that although these roles tend to be persistent – that is, a child tends to only have one role the vast majority of the time – they can be fluid.
Roles can change depending on the NPD parent’s whims, or how people behave.
Narcissistic family scapegoat
The scapegoat role in a narcissistic family is exactly what it sounds like – they are the person in the family who gets the blame for everything.
The narcissistic parent can use the scapegoat to generate narcissistic supply, through put-downs, insults and other forms of abuse, and will often turn the rest of the family against them too, which is commonly known as “family mobbing”.
But the abuse isn’t always so overt and direct. It can be subtle. For example, if the scapegoat triggers a narcissistic injury in their parent, they may be punished indirectly.
For example, the narcissistic parent may cancel their karate lessons, but say it’s because they can’t afford them, when in truth, it’s because the scapegoat stepped out of line in some way.
So why does a child become a scapegoat? Well we know that narcissists abuse others as a form of control – it’s very important for them to manage other people’s behaviour so that they get the narcissistic supply they need.
But with their children, it’s a little different. Narcissists often see their children as extensions of themselves, and because of that, they project their own traits – both positive and negative – onto their children.
Since narcissists are very often insecure (their grandiosity and confidence is simply a way of covering this up), they project this weaker side of themselves onto one of their children – the scapegoat.
The golden child
The golden child is pretty much the opposite to the scapegoat. Where the scapegoat is the target of anger and criticism, the golden child is the target of praise and adoration.
Most of the time, the golden child can do no wrong. Their successes are celebrated as if they are the narcissistic parent’s own, and their failures are brushed under the carpet (or blamed on the scapegoat).
However, if the golden child tries to test the boundaries of the parent with NPD, they will soon learn that there is no real love or friendship behind the praise – it can be taken away as easily as it can be given out.
And how is the golden child chosen? In some cases it will be because they bring some status to the family in the eyes of the narcissistic parent.
For example, they might be the captain of the football team, a straight “A” student, or be particularly attractive.
In other cases, it might be the child who is more attentive to the narcissist, the one who readily buys into their view of the world.
Whatever the reason, it will be something that helps the narcissistic parent get their supply.
Either by helping them present that happy family image to the outside world or by simply making them feel more important within the mini-world of the narcissist’s family life.
Golden child vs the scapegoat child
In a way, the dynamic between the narcissistic parent, the scapegoat child, and the golden child is a form of triangulation.
So the abuse may not be directly targeted at the scapegoat (such as through bullying, insults, or put-downs), but may be more indirect, using the golden child as a proxy.
For example, the scapegoat might want to take up the violin, but they’ll be told they can’t do that because the family is already spending too much money on the golden child’s Tae Kwon Do lessons.
Or the golden child will be served first at the dinner table, and if there isn’t as much left for the scapegoat, well that’s just how it is. The narcissistic parent uses the golden child as a tool of abuse, by showing favoritism.
Of course, favouritism is not unique to narcissistic parents, so we shouldn’t assume that just because favouritism is going on, that it’s because of narcissism.
In fact, one study in 2010 found that 70% of mothers in multi-sibling families could name a child they felt closest to, and 92% of children could name a sibling who argued with their parents most often.
This study also found poor mental health implications due to this “normal” favouritism. So once again, we see the pattern where narcissistic behaviours are an extreme, exaggerated version of those found in non-narcissists.
How the golden child treats the scapegoat child
The golden child might be encouraged to join in on the abuse of the scapegoat, either directly or indirectly, by the parent with NPD. Sadly, they often do – this can be for a number of reasons, including:
- To attempt to please their parent – to live up to their expectations
- To try to maintain the high-status they have in their parent’s eyes
- Because they have inherited or adopted a tendency towards NPD themselves (we’ll come back to this idea shortly)
- Fear – they worry that they’ll be put into the scapegoat role themselves if they don’t comply
Although this may not happen in all cases, if the golden child does adopt these behaviours, then life can be very difficult for the scapegoat.
The golden child might start to abuse the scapegoat in the exact same ways that the narcissistic parent does – such as blaming them for the golden child’s own mistakes and shortcomings.
The enabling parent
Because people with NPD are deeply dependent on others for their narcissistic supply. They usually have enablers in their lives, and their romantic partner is often one of them (although the enabler role can also be taken up by other siblings).
An enabler is simply someone who supports or encourages a particular behaviour in another person.
The enabling parent usually buys into the narcissists view of reality, and will generally not question it. In fact they may even make excuses for the narcissist’s behaviour, or try to downplay the negative aspects of it.
This is especially true in public, where they may serve as a kind of reputation clean up crew, but also within the Narcissistic family structure itself – for example, they might downplay the abuse that is targetted at the scapegoat,
“Oh, come on, he’s your father, you know he loves you deep down, can’t you just forgive him?”
Although the enabling parent may not directly engage in abuse or manipulation of the children, they are sometimes referred to as “secondary abusers”, because they create conditions that allow or encourage the primary abuse to continue.
Growing up in a narcissistic family
Unfortunately, a narcissistic parent does not tend to raise healthy, adjusted children. In some families, where the second parent is not an enabler, they are able to provide a protective effect over their children.
They would do this by limiting the abuse and harm that the narcissistic parent can deal out, and by providing the unconditional love and affection that the narcissist does not supply.
In these cases, the children of a narcissist may grow up to be relatively well-functioning, psychologically speaking.
However, most of the time, the second parent is caught within the narcissist’s spell, and therefore is unable or unwilling to be a buffer to their negative effects.
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Of course, the impact of the narcissistic family on the children depends greatly on which child we’re talking about. Let’s look at those two key roles in turn.
Impact on the scapegoat
The family scapegoat child perhaps has the worst outlook. Low self-esteem, depression, no sense of belonging, and a difficult time negotiating adult relationships.
They often have trust issues, which is natural when the people you should feel the safest around have turned against you.
Also, after years of such abuse, the scapegoat may internalise the criticisms they believe. Peg Streep, over at Psychology Today, reports the experience of a girl who had been scapegoated by her family:
“I honestly believed every word my mother and siblings said about me… I blamed myself for everything and couldn’t take credit or feel pride in anything… When something good happened, I thought it was a fluke… When something went wrong, I knew I’d made it happen because I was flawed and deficient”.
Impact on the golden child
While the scapegoat would appear to be in the worst position, it’s not all fun and games for the golden child either – and in many ways the impact is less straightforward.
Yes, they get more attention and praise from the narcissistic parent, which any child would want. And yes, they are not the emotional punching bag for an entire family, which of course is preferable.
However, keep in mind that the golden child is a pawn in the narcissists game also – if they are being pushed into this role, then they are being abused and manipulated too.
The purpose of the golden child’s role is to support, attend to, and provide supply for the narcissistic parent – often to the complete exclusion of their own needs and wants.
Julie L. Hall, a trauma consultant and writer for The Huffington Post, tells the story of Lynn, a woman who was pushed into the golden child role:
“It was too complicated for me to manage having relationships other than with my mother. My only friends were people I would hang out with at school when my mother couldn’t expect me to be at home… [it was] horribly suffocating… I felt I couldn’t breathe. It was like I was in jail.”
The golden child is more likely to become trapped with the narcissist, and they may become brainwashed due to the undeserved praise.
As Lenora Thompson points out over at Psych Central, the scapegoat’s abuse is overt and obvious, and is more likely to result in them leaving the family, where at least they would be away from the source of abuse.
However for the golden child, the abuse is more covert, confusing, and harder to escape.
The narcissistic family tree
I mentioned above that the golden child might develop NPD if they internalise the projections of their narcissistic parent. Could this be true? Does narcissism run in families?
The research on this is not completely clear, but there does see to be a heritable aspect to narcissism. However, just because someone has a narcissistic parent, doesn’t necessarily mean they will develop NPD themselves.
It’s thought that to develop NPD, you need a combination of genetic and environmental factors. One of the environmental factors, is overvaluation from the Narcissistic parents – exactly the sort of thing the golden child experiences.
So it would seem that a child in the golden child role would me more likely to develop NPD than one in the scapegoat role.
On top of that, we know that narcissists tend to lack empathy. Well, one study in 2008 found that the siblings of scapegoated children are also often deficient in empathy.
The researchers believe this is a kind of defence mechanism – in order to to avoid the deep guilt they would normally feel by acting in abusive ways towards the scapegoat, the golden child simply detaches – they learn not to pay attention to how others feel.
However this may not be permanent, and many former golden children find themselves wracked with guilt later in life for the way they behaved in their childhood.
Did you grow up in a family with a narcissistic parent? Do any of these roles sound familiar to you? Let me know your experiences in the comments section below!
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Very interesting… I know a family of 3, Dad, Mom, child. The mom and dad alternate roles of Narcissist and Enabler, and their only child is like a birdie in a badmitton game, being constantly slammed back and forth between their ego battles. Heartbreaking…
I was definitely the scapegoat. I am 46, have been out of the house since i was 20.5 yrs old and i am still living with the issues of a crap mom.
Same in my family…I was the scapegoat.
My younger half brother (same father) was 100% golden child. I didn’t realize that I was living in this narcissistic environment until I left for college and felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me and returned every time I tried to go back and visit. I haven’t spoken to them since my brother cursed me out over the phone for something my father complained to him about that had nothing to do with him and probably wasn’t the whole story (dad asked me for money I didn’t have at my graduation he showed up to at last minute). It’s been 3 years since cutting them off and while sometimes I miss them…it was the best decision I ever made.
Still occasionally triggered by my older step sister who gives me updates and tries to what feels like bait me into saying something about them to “report back”. Still navigating that mind field and have considered cutting her off too but then I’d be completely cut off from my father’s side of the family…although it’s probably be for the best.
When your father dies and you see the following:
An endless request for favors from his wife, as though you were room service
A formerly absent brother has now a blooming relationship with his mommy
She calls him, at age 55, her “Baby” or some other pet name
Special suarees that she has, complete with a banquet that she prepared for him at his convenience, and that you are expected to put your life on hold, to attend-
Bend over and grab your ankles, because it’s coming. If you used to think that you had a great relationship with him, you were fooling yourself. He was always a snake in the grass.
There is a third role for the child. My brother is the golden child, my sister is the scapegoat. I am the eldest, and conceived in her image. I went no contact 9 months ago due to the cruel things she was saying, and my head is SO quiet, but before then the control and manipulation was exhausting. She couldn’t conceive that I would have different thoughts/ideas from her. She believed that I had the same political ideas. I even bought the same settees once! My sisters husband called us the Stepford Ellisons, because we did everything the same. My brother has NPD and believes he is superior. My little sister managed to get unconditional love from me: I am 8 years older. She is the scapegoat. I was expected to dress the same as my mother. I went on holidays with her because no one else would. I was conceived as her ‘mini me’. I am 54 and have adult children; she can no long accuse me of keeping my children from her. My Dad is the enabler. He once said ‘I know you’re right but you need to apologise or she won’t talk to you again’, I was 17. My one regret is that it took until now to withdraw. When I googled ‘why does my Mum say such cruel things?’ I didn’t expect to get so many answers. When I blocked their numbers and told them to stop offloading on to my 17 year old daughter she responded by texting my friends and family that I was mentally ill. My one regret – I should have done it years ago.
Yes, this is completely correct in the family dynamics. I’ve been the scapegoat of my family for my entire life. It’s not only displayed by my immediate family, also the extended family. I’m the dramatic, overly emotional, controlling, crazy, lying and ungrateful daughter. I had internal dialogue of, it’s all my fault. I’m the defective. This was completely false. My narcissistic mother was the one who played this narrative to everyone. She’s the victim of an ungrateful daughter. My stepfather is her enabler, who jumps in to protect her motives. I have decided to go with no contact rule. I’ve tried the”grey rock”. I’ve tried setting up healthy boundaries. Nothing work, it always came back to me being punished. While in no contact, I’ll heal from the trauma.
I am 62 and just learning about this! I grew up with an alcoholic narcissistic mother and, as an adult, I am dealing with a narcissistic stepmother (who is not alcoholic). She is getting really power hungry with age. She is 85 and my dad is 96 with early stage dementia. Now, because Dad’s incapable, Stepmonster controls everything.
As kids, we bonded over our mother’s madness. The familial roles shifted in that household. My sister and I switched between golden girl and scapegoat, our brother was usually the lost child. But nothing was set in stone! With alcoholism in the mix, anything goes; we each knew every role.
As adults, we are not close at all. The “family” unit is run by our narcissistic stepmother. In the 2021 version of my family, my brother (youngest) is still the lost child. My sister (middle child) has taken on the role of Golden Girl with vindictive delight. She also enjoys being a flying monkey. I (oldest) am the scapegoat.
My stepmother and her golden girl hold the keys to seeing Dad, or even speaking with him, so I have been putting up with their abuse. It’s been escalating for about 4 years. This summer was unbelievable on so many levels. I just can’t do it anymore! It will mean seeing Dad less, and that makes me sad – especially given his age, but I need to find some peace in my mind, and this is crazy-making shit.
Everything I read about narcissistic families sounds like it was written about my life! Lately I’ve been calling my sister the golden girl and myself the black sheep, but I had no idea those concepts were studied and named and real!!! I have been trying to please Stepmonster for 50 years and I finally realized that I never will, so I better stop trying. I was thinking maybe I am really flawed in some horrible way if my own family can’t stand me. This explains so much.
How is the relationship between a golden child and scapegoat usually?
I always felt guilty towards my older sibling for being treated better but just hope that they didn’t resent me…
Alexander,
It’s like you were a fly on the wall in my house and just wrote about what you saw! Thank you for the information on your website.
Let me ask you (or anyone else who knows) can tics and even Tourette’s Syndrome be caused by all of the emotional problems that go along with being a scapegoat in the family?
Hi Donna,
I am not an expert in Tourette’s syndrome, but I do know it is a genetic disorder of your nervous system. So it is not very likely it is caused by being the scapegoat. However, as a scapegoat you will endure a lot of stress and stress is a strong factor that influences the tics that come with Tourette. If you want to know more about Tourette I suggest reading the usual suspects (Healtline, Mayoclinic) or find alike people on a health forum https://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/forums/tourettes-syndrome-forum.315/.
Good Luck,
Alexander
I’m only just becoming aware that my mother is a narcissist, and it has had a huge impact on my life. There were three of us kids and one was primarily the scapegoat with another primarily the golden child. I flip-flopped between the 2 sides the most.
One way that my mom enforced these roles was that if she was upset with someone (usually for standing up to her, trying to be independent or not “representing the family” properly in front of people) she would lay out the red carpet for the others. Offer special meals and presents, shower them in compliments and give them all the attention. In opposition, she would go out of her way to make things as difficult as possible for the other child.
As I got older, this made me feel uncomfortable and if I stood up to it she would flip the roles to make me the scapegoat. When we tried to tell our dad she would gaslight us and make it out to sound like we were the ones with the issues and it was normal etc. One specific instance my mom was upset with my sister and they were having a huge fight before school in the morning about there not being enough hot water for my sister to shower because my mom used it all.
They called my dad who was at work to complain about the other one. He was annoyed as this was a regular occurrence and we had two large hot water tanks so this should not have been an issue. While they were fighting, I went into my mom’s room and noticed she was blasting hot water into the tub with the drain wide open. I confronted her and she made excuses about waiting for the water to warm up. I witnessed this on more than one occasion but she would never admit to it.
Very much agree. But there is something additional to be explored and it’s this notion of “flying monkeys” that I’ve been reading about. Very clearly my oldest was the Golden Child and my second sister was the Scapegoat. During the years the dynamics changed a bit, yes, but I was very clearly groomed, as the youngest, to be my mother’s flying monkey.
This article resonates strongly with me. I was the golden child at times during my childhood, but also the scapegoat (simultaneously), and in my 30s I became THE scapegoat of all scapegoats. Eventually the only solution was to cut ties with my entire family – my narcissistic father, my enabling mother and sister, and my newly minted golden child brothers.
What triggered my “escape” from this toxic family was starting my own family. My supportive wife was able to demonstrate to me how I was trapped in a cycle of toxic behaviour caused by my father’s gas-lighting, lying, emotional manipulation, emotional blackmail, playing favourites, playing siblings off against me, and more. For example, during a prolonged conflict where my wife and I were trying to set boundaries and were simply asking my father to respect those boundaries, he suddenly developed “health problems” and starting moaning down the phone that I was causing him so much stress. These “health problems” never amounted to anything, but they served the purpose he wished them used for – he got me to back down.
As I pushed back harder against my father’s controlling, abusive behaviour, he pushed back even harder to try and get me back into the box he had kept me in throughout my childhood – that of “obedient, well-behaved son who does what he is told”. My entire family were turned against me, even distant relatives like aunts and uncles overseas. My family mobbed against me, and my siblings cut me off. I was drip-fed important family information in passive-aggressive ways such as “we’re just letting you know that so-and-so died because it’s the right thing to do”. I was accused of elder abuse, of child abuse, and my many flaws were listed in emails which ran several pages in length by multiple members of my family. They sought to punish me by ostracism – even as my wife and I tried to maintain the simple position that we wanted our boundaries respected.
We even offered several opportunities to end the conflict and simply move forward, provided everyone could agree to “put the past behind us”. My father would not accept this. He insisted that I not contact anyone else in the family but him, and he was only prepared to accept one outcome – a complete and total admission of absolute guilt from me, coupled with a grovelling apology to the entire family. He would not accept one iota of responsibility himself, that his actions had caused the complete breakdown of my family relationships.
The saddest and most difficult thing for me to realise was that my family had never actually loved me for who I was. They loved me for the reflected glory I gave them when I was the golden child, but behind that veneer there was no actual love or concern for my feelings, my wishes, or my own needs.
I now have not had any contact with my brothers for 3.5 years, my sister for 2.5 years, my mother for 2 years, and my last encounter with my father was when we trespassed him from our property one year ago.
It was the best thing I have ever done for my own family (my wife and children). We have chosen to surround ourselves with friends who actually care about us and actually love us for who we are, and the love and friendship is unconditional.
I have set myself free at age 38 and it feels wonderful. I recommend you do the same if you are in a similar situation. It is difficult, often painful, and can hurt like having a cancer cut out without anaesthetic… but the reward is worth the agony.
Set yourself free!
Understand … too well. I sympathize … but I also applaud your determination to stop trying to please stepmonster.
You are not flawed – your family is flawed. Do not further mess up your own life because – while you are still young – you can be taught so much – more & better – you can actually learn to love who you are.
Stick with your recovery program … joy cometh when we have the key to understanding …
I have just been cut off from my elderly both parents. Mum did try her best but as got older her childhood and father role model caught up with her. I adored my dad. I was difficult one and yes I could be. My brother was golden child. When I had breast cancer 2 years ago. I had to listen to her shout how she loathed me and…she thinks she is the big I am as she’s got cancer. Clear bridges burnt but would always speak to her as love her but struggle to like. Cut forward as stayed away during COVID been able to craft her own truth that I don’t care. I do. As continued interfacing with public and when they had managed to overcome their stress/anxiety my youngest worked on COVID wards. Also my husband’s mum died. I could not risk giving them covid. Also my parents call me fat..I am but linked to low self esteem. So I had stayed away 2 years before as parents did not accept when told how impacted on me. I made decision as so pleased to be alive but having to accept a scar with being told I am fat is too much. I will get there my wonderful but scapegoated family are my world. They have lost out the enabler and the narcissist
I find the information on the golden child interesting. While I agree with a lot of it perfectionism etc. The part about lacking empathy and or becoming a narcissist is not my experience. I was the golden child and my sister was the scapegoat. As I became a tween I somehow knew my sister was being treated badly by my father and fought to defend her. My role in the family was also the parent to my sibling and my parents who were not emotionally available to me or my sister. I am wondering if there are others like me that have had a similar experience.
Reading this brought tears to my eyes…The dynamic is so true, that I just realised how my parents fucked us up.
I am much younger than my oldest sister who is dead now and I have very few memories of her. One of the memories I do have breaks my heart when I think about it.
I can’t remember how old we were but I remember sitting next to her on the couch and watching tv. There was a pretty red head on whatever show we were watching and my sister said to mom, “see mom, not all red heads are ugly”. My mom lashed out angrily saying, “she’s not pretty, she’s a slut”. I remember seeing a tear running down my red haired sisters face as we sat there.
I was 10 or 11 last time I saw my sister alive. I’m in my mid 50’s now and just realizing what kind of hell we all lived as children. Each of us having a very different experience but all damaged and dragging our childhood baggage throughout life.
I was/am the golden child and scapegoat intermittently, as someone else said on here. I never noticed what an awful coward my enabler father was all along until now. Sisters are viciously cold; 21st birthday, abusive sister (awesome at pretend righteous anger and severely abusive to autistic stepchild who’s now 18 wants NOTHING to do with her father/brothers) – provoked me to leave party.
I walked home for hours (country road) until a stranger gave me ride while sister had passed by hours ago. 15 years later I still never had a birthday. OLDEST sister always on phone with carcass mother making plans for family without anyone else’s input.
No one ever insisted on giving me birthday; mother taught father (and me) we were dumb airheads even though I’m a genius. What disturbs me most was the aloofness of oldest sister. She has NO feelings about other people. The middle sister (the one who got doctors and teachers fired with LIES) and made laughing faces about it used to…
Oh my. I resent the fact that they haven’t suffered horrible tragedies yet.
Both my parents are narcissists so I have this x2.
And yes I’m the scapegoat to both parents. They often worked together to hurt me.
Parents don’t like each other but keep the other around for their own image.
One sister is golden child to both. But my other two siblings, they are golden child to one, but scapegoat to the other. They both blame me for being partial scapegoats.