Last Updated on August 15, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
What are the effects of a Narcissistic mother on her daughter? When you imagine a picturesque mother-daughter relationship, what do you see?
The compassionate, warm mother who can make every problem seemingly disappear? The daughter who turns to her mother with every secret? The loving, respectful bond that morphs into a beautiful friendship?
For daughters of narcissistic mothers, the relationship doesn’t resemble anything like traditional love. Instead, it often seems like a constant, losing battle.
These daughters often spend their childhoods feeling confused, alone, and frightened. As they grow up, their feelings may become even more intensified.
What Are the Signs of a Narcissistic Mother?
Narcissists have an inflated sense of ego and prioritize their needs and desires above anyone else’s. They consistently perceive themselves as important, superior, and entitled to have what they want.
Subsequently, they often have little disregard for emotion, and they can become quickly reactive and even hostile when things don’t go their way. Let’s review some of the other telltale signs of narcissistic mothers.
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Living Vicariously Through You
Rather than relate to their children as independent individuals, narcissists see them as mere extensions of themselves.
Therefore, you are more likely to be punished rather than celebrated if you have unique thoughts or needs.
Narcissistic mothers may live vicariously through you by forcing certain ideals or expectations onto you.
For example, they might make you dance if they loved to dance. They might dress you up in girly outfits even if you identify as more tomboyish.
Superficial Praising
Because narcissists want others to admire them, they often love showing off their child’s attributes.
Even though they might be critical of you at home, they tend to relish in other people’s approval of your skills, appearance, or accomplishments.
Many narcissists will turn to social media to brag about their children. However, this approach isn’t about praising you- it’s about showcasing their excellent job in raising you!
Lack of Empathy
Why are you so sad? There’s nothing to be upset about right now!
You shouldn’t get angry over that.
I don’t see what the big deal is. You’ll get over it.
Narcissists are not mindful of other people’s thoughts or feelings. Instead, they only reflect on themselves.
They often perceive other people as objects, accessories, or competitors- not as whole people with varying needs and emotions.
As a result, they cannot validate you for your experiences. Instead, they often shame you for thinking or feeling differently from them.
Excess Dependency
You can’t move there. It’s too far away!
I can’t live without you. I need you.
I sacrificed so much for you when you were a child. The least you can do is give me a little money now.
Many narcissists want their children to take care of them emotionally, financially, or physically for the rest of their lives.
As a result, they may attempt to manipulate you into making unrealistic sacrifices to meet their needs.
Neglect
Some narcissistic mothers are so self-absorbed with their own lives that they have no emotional capacity for authentic child-raising.
Instead of taking care of you, they may have devoted most of their time to their career, friends, hobbies, or intimate relationships.
Smearing You
Narcissistic parents sometimes engage in smear campaigns when their children fail to meet their expectations.
Smear campaigns are intentional plans to humiliate you in attempt to compromise your reputation. If your mother smears you, she might:
- Try to convince other family members that you are the problem.
- Test your partner or friends’ loyalty by making mean comments about you.
- Attempt to sabotage your school or work.
Consistent Gaslighting
- You know I was just being sarcastic! I don’t know why you have to be so sensitive.
- I never said that! You’re imagining things.
- I think you’re just looking into things too much.
Narcissists frequently gaslight their victims to maintain power and control over them. Gaslighting can be challenging to detect, making you question your reality.
Do Narcissistic Mothers Hate Their Daughters?
Hate is a far-fetched, misguided term, and narcissists don’t usually hate their children. Instead, they often view them as either objects to control or competitors to beat.
Unfortunately, narcissistic love is conditional, meaning it has strings attached.
When you act favorably, they tend to internalize your positive behavior as a tribute to their successful parenting. They bask in your success and often take responsibility for it.
The opposite effect is also true. When you disrespect or embarrass them, there are enormous consequences. They may become rageful, possessive, or completely dismissive.
What Are Some Common Traits of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers?
Each child internalizes their childhood experiences differently. That said, there are several traits daughters may develop due to her relationship with her mother.
Lack of Boundaries
daughters of a narcissistic parent are not allowed to have personal boundaries. Their parents determine everything, and the rules often change without notice.
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As a result, they struggle to identify or implement boundaries in their adult life.
For one, they may not even recognize the benefits of having limits. They may be so accustomed to catering to other people that they don’t understand the importance of honoring their own needs.
Moreover, a lack of boundaries also tends to come from an inherent desire to appease others through people-pleasing.
Daughters spend so much time trying to satisfy their narcissistic mother. It often feels easier to just “give in” than try to compromise or stand up for yourself.
Low Self-Esteem
Healthy parents validate and love their children unconditionally. Healthy parents also know that mistakes are an inherent part of childhood. Even if their child misbehaves, they discipline the behavior without shaming them.
Narcissistic parents rarely- if ever- validate their children. Instead, they attempt to control, change, or suppress behavior that doesn’t fit within their belief system.
Instead of exploring their own identity, their children grow up trying to cater to their parents.
Indecisiveness
The daughters of a narcissistic mother have little say in anything during childhood. They’re used to someone making all the executive decisions for them.
As an adult, you may struggle even to know what you want. You may have been criticized for having your own opinion or needs, so you learned to disregard your needs automatically.
When you need to make a choice, you may require excess approval from others before proceeding.
Caution or Paranoia
Children in narcissistic homes are often gifted in interpreting body language and other nonverbal communication.
After all, they had to grow up trying to understand their mother’s behavior and attune to her needs- rather than the other way around.
As an adult, you may be overly prepared to anticipate danger. This can affect your interpersonal relationships. Trusting other people is often hard because you fear being manipulated or hurt.
Narcissism
Some children of narcissists become narcissistic themselves. Narcissistic mothers tend to be overly preoccupied with external accomplishments and status.
They lack empathy and cannot attune to their child’s inherent needs. While many daughters struggle with low self-esteem due to their upbringing, others move in the opposite direction.
Their narcissism almost acts as an act of rebellion- after an entire childhood spent submitting to their mothers, they become narcissistic as a way of covertly competing with them.
Why Do They Have Trouble With Male Relationships?
As mentioned, many daughters struggle with issues related to low self-esteem, boundaries, and trust problems. Any of these variables can affect dating and intimacy.
Some daughters subconsciously seek partners similar to their mothers.
They may find a partner who acts domineering and critical. Even though they may resent this person, it feels familiar and allows them to safely recreate what they know.
Other daughters take the opposite approach. They may subconsciously seek submissive, weaker partners.
Therefore, they tend to assume a more narcissistic position. This dynamic often responds to the daughter’s need for power and control. If you spent your whole life feeling oppressed, it makes sense that you want a dynamic change.
The narcissistic mother often has a front-seat ticket to her adult daughter’s life.
She may meddle in the relationship, try to pit both partners against each other, and seek endless attention. If you two have children together, she will often attempt to control how you raise your child.
Finally, some women keep their guards up and avoid dating altogether. They may feel so traumatized by their childhood relationships that they never want to trust anyone else again.
Why Are Narcissistic Mothers So Jealous of Their Daughters?
Narcissists thrive on power and control. They perceive anything that could potentially jeopardize power and control as an inherent threat. Therefore, when people give you attention, your mother might react by:
- Putting you down directly.
- Making sarcastic comments about you getting lucky.
- Claiming your successes or accomplishments as her own.
- Attempting to retaliate and replicate whatever you are doing.
- Validating you in public and criticizing you later.
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Your mother can be jealous of anything- your appearance, career, accomplishments, relationships (particularly if you have a good one with your father). Most jealousy stems from the conflicting message, make me look good, but don’t do better than me.
While growing up, this jealousy can feel incredibly confusing. Children naturally want to please their parents- when they’re small, they tend to idolize them as god-like figures.
They don’t feel like they are on equal footing as their mothers, so children can’t understand why their mothers want to compete.
Because low self-esteem is so synonymous with daughters of narcissistic mothers, there’s a good possibility you don’t see your own worth.
Therefore, you probably can’t imagine your mother would actually be jealous of you. Instead, you may just internalize that you aren’t good enough.
Healing From a Narcissistic Mother
Acknowledging your Narcissistic Mother can be eye-opening, especially if you grew up unable to recognize why your relationship felt so troubled.
At the same time, this realization can be upsetting and discouraging. You may feel angry or sad when you reflect on your childhood. You might also feel unsure about how to move forward.
Educate Yourself on Narcissism
A narcissistic personality disorder is a mental illness. The symptoms are chronic and pervasive. Your mother isn’t choosing to act this way- experts agree that genetics and neurobiology likely play a role in narcissistic traits.
Awareness is an essential part of your recovery process. You should educate yourself on the signs and symptoms of narcissism and consider how your mother’s personality impacted you- both in childhood and in adulthood.
Establish Appropriate Boundaries
Narcissists don’t readily change their ways. They do what they need to do to meet their needs- even if their behavior may seem downright appalling to you.
That’s why boundaries are so critical. You need to consider your physical, emotional, and financial boundaries when it comes to your mother.
Suggested Reading: Low Contact With Your Narcissistic Mother
For example, let’s say your mother criticizes your house every time she comes over.
As a boundary, you may require that she leave if she engages in this behavior again.
Or, let’s say your mother bombards you with text messages when she doesn’t hear from you after a few days.
As a boundary, you might respond with a simple, I’m busy right now, but I will call you this weekend, and leave it at that.
Remember that your boundaries are only as powerful as your ability to implement them.
If you don’t reinforce what you say, you send incongruent messages about your intentions. As a result, your mother will likely continue to manipulate you.
Consider a No-Contact Approach
If your mother disrespects you and your boundaries, you may need to step away from the relationship altogether. Of course, this is a personal decision, and you should consider this option carefully.
Taking the no-contact approach means avoiding any interaction or engagement with your mother.
No contact means you’re saying no more Narcissistic Abuse, no more enabling, and no more toxic energy.
This option is always available to you and might be necessary to preserve your mental health.
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Thank you for this resource so much
My mothers abuse of me in the aftermath of my fathers death caused me major depression.
Which then made me have this verbal outburst of rage at her as I couldn’t believe that even after he died her emotional abuse was still happening.
So what help is there for a daughter who is lumped with all the blame and shame from confronting such a narcissistic mother?
Exactly how I’m feeling this week (Dad passed 2 years ago). My mom was trying to manipulate my siblings and me, into throwing her a 90th BD party (in reality, she wants to do all of the planning, insisting things are her way, including needing to have the party on her actual BD, which happens to be a weekday when all of the kids and grandkids are working or in school). She wants to do all of that planning but wants to tell everyone that her kids “want” to throw her a party… of course she also wants us to pay for it. I have been the sibling who has hosted the majority of family gatherings for over 40 years… my mom is the woman who has been sabotaging every family event that I have planned in those 40+ years. In my mind, I thought, “Oh, Hell no. Kharma! You don’t tell us to throw you a party just so you can brag!” I had this burst of unexpected, deep-seated, rage at her. I said something similar in not so nice tone of voice. It was only for a moment because my 38yo son whisked me out of the house. I was stunned by the depth of my anger.
Now re-read this, from a distance, like it’s about someone else. See how many times it talks about ‘my mother wants/needs/does this or that? Now, close your eyes, wrap your arms around YOU and ask the question “what do I want?” Take a deep breath and then answer it. Focus Only on You. Because that is what her behaviour has taken away from you. Only focus on you, from this day on. She makes you mad/angry? So focus on what You can make for You.
Give it time, it does work. My mother did this to me all my life (63 years of it and I only found out a year ago). I’m continuing to heal now she is no longer alive. I’ve gone through a living nightmare of hell for the last 35years. Please don’t do the same. These people can’t help themselves but we can help ourselves and it is not wrong. Don’t allow her behaviour to make you become like her. You matter. You’re allowed to care and think and take action about you and your life. Starting with “what do I want?” And no more yes but she will only do say etc. That’s her voice in your head. Now your task is to find, nurture and keep your own. Good luck and much love.
This summary and evaluation of the affects of daughters of mothers with Narcissistic Personality Disorders was so thorough & accurate & helped me realise how much I have suffered at her hands right up to now at age 51.
I may need to go No Contact or Low Contact as her abuse caused me to be clinically depressed after I confronted her angrily then suffered shame and more depression after there was no improvement or change from her.
These mother-daughter relationships are incredibly complicated because there is a lot of enmeshment and love there also.
Yes I agree with you. They are very enmeshed. From being a baby.
On the phone, responding to an out of the blue “command”, I finally said “No,” to my mother, “I am not going to do that.”
It felt fantastic. I felt free and without anxiety. I no longer cared what she thought and nor did I feel I needed to “look after her needs.” It felt liberating.
She then wrote to me that she didn’t what to hear from or see me again and wished me a good life. I am fortunate she made that move and I have stuck to it. We are safe from each other which is best.
I am late 50’s. Don’t wait until you are my age. Get out. You can’t save her. The pain will keep recurring. More incidents. More history to manage. She can’t and won’t change. Sadly. Save yourself; be brave; take courage and “go and get yourself a life.”
Step into your future and don’t look back. I have had no contact for 18 months and my sister, similarly, no contact for 6.0 years.
It’s okay. We no longer need to be our mother’s keeper and take her abuse for crumbs.
She will survive and create a world around herself. She will be fine. Let her go!
Just curious how it’s going. At 63 I have decided no contact with my mom. I was emotionally drained from all her demands and verbal abuse. It’s been two months. My guilt is overwhelming but I am calmer
Yes, it took me till 39 to go no contact. Best decision I have ever made, such a weight has been lifted and I am truly happy now. Would have saved so many panic attacks about her impending visits if I had done it sooner! Besides my mother doesn’t even know me because she made me this imaginary villain in her head that all I am and have accomplished she couldn’t tell you if her life depended on it. So I told her she doesn’t need me to make up things about me and if their is a ounce of her that cares she’ll let me live the next 40 years in peace by leaving me alone. She sort of is respecting it. I haven’t figured out how to block text just calls.
I have read through many of your articles. I am 52, female. I have a twin brother. I was the permanent scapegoat, he was the permanent golden child. I went no contact with my mom when I was 42. She died 6 years later.
The thing is, my brother wasn’t the typical golden child…it was as if he was raised by a mother without NPD at all! So the things you write about daughters of NPD mothers all seem right on target or close but not the stuff you write about sons of NPD mothers. oh…more background…my father was sane and loving but he died when my brother and I were about to turn 13. I have both internalized and externalized symptoms.
Anyway, I wish I could find info on NPD mothers raising boy/girl twins. To be fair, my mother was also diagnosed psychotic who believed girls were evil and she hated me from the moment I was born. I know of her diagnosis cause I called her old psychiatrist after she died and found out more about her.
I know she (mom) hated me because after her death while cleaning out her house, we found 30 file boxes filled with her diaries/journals and tons of entries where she wrote of her hatred of me…and yes, she used the word hate along with despising and other synonyms. TO make matters worse..she had told me all my life, from when I was a young girl and onwards ” I will leave you my diaries when I die. You can publish them and make millions!” She would say this during times when she was being nice to me.
I always assumed her diaries held some salacious secrets of family drama or something. When I actually did read them and realized she KNEW I would read them after she died….my mind exploded. I mean…WOW. And no, she is not anyone famous like Joan Crawford so why she thought her diaries would be publishable and make money? Just another narcissist’s fantasy. I kept a handful of the entries just for “proof” but the rest was all thrown out.
I understand completely. Going through my parents estate items I found an envelope with my name on it and also this, “to be opened after my funeral”. I couldn’t believe it. It was a letter criticizing me. It was like her reaching out to me from the grave. I just sobbed uncontrollably. It took me days to recover from that letters. She died
four years ago. Every single morning I pray to God with gratitude that she is dead.
I am 66 years old, and only a week ago realized what my mother is. It has just blown me away, why and how i did not see it before now I don’t know.. my life is very complicated because of things i have let her do . She is now in a nursing home, 87 years old and all i do is run around doing things for her, Still trying to keep her happy ..
Now i have to find a way to heal myself and have a life !
Don’t know if i can…
Wow that is awfull I’m 57 and I’ve known for about 10 years I recently went no co tact and feel happy but suffer from bad anxiety she won’t go away constant voicemails and sending me money . It’s hard but if I don’t keep this no contact I think I might kill myself . You keep doing you and makeing you happy as your worth it no one has the right to belittle you and call you names and hurt your self worth ❤️
Your story is me. My weekends would be going to every market she wanted. If it wasn’t exactly what she wanted I would hear it. I have decided no contact. The guilt I feel is awful. No one understands but my family are happy I chose to distance myself
Thank you so much for this article. Well written and started to give me hope there might be a way out of this, so I can finally create a life I desire, where I feel I am in control, and not living in fear all the time.
Namaste <3
Absolutely wonderful insight on understanding my narcissistic mom. At age 60 I finally understand!! Thanks so much!!! I suffered emotionally all my life. At first I thought I was talking about my ex husband but now it turns out I had 2 narcissistic people in my life!! Thanks for the article
Scapegoat here-
I also am in my 60’s and learned of my mother’s Narcissism just a couple of years ago. Although I recognized peculiarities in her many years ago, I always thought it was Paranoia or some other mental problem.
I was affected from the bad upbringing, so it was really tough sledding my whole life, especially when I was younger. I somehow managed to retire young and graduated college right before she completely went off the rails (I think it was because of envy). I do not credit her with any of my success, there was a lot of outside intervention. For any other victims of a Narc mother, realize that they screw with your thinking in subtle ways that you don’t recognize. They sabotage every positive thing in your life because they want to keep you down. You end up self-sabotaging, but you can’t see it. The best way to proceed in any situation is to do the opposite of how you picture that Narcmom would do it. Oh, and if you have a sibling that is her pet, you might as well just accept that there won’t be any inheritance for you. If she wants your services, get a cash “gift” up front. If she isn’t willing to do that, you know where you stand.
i too am 65 years old and have known all my life my mother had a mental problem. I was one of the oldest children of 6 . My mother was not around to help my brothers and sister with homework or to guide them.
My father worked at a college we didnot have much money. But i cannot remember my mother being there while we grew up. She had no interest in ourlives. When i left home. All of my younger siblings moved in with me.
Today my father is gone and she expects all of us to take care of her. We found her an apartment that she can afford. We try to make her independent but then she makes us feel guilty. I cannot show her i care because she will take advantage of that
Each story here, represents my story too. Now, Mom is 96. I moved back to live closer if she needs assistance, but she hasn’t yet, except there is constant conversation about her Trust, my responsibilities as her Successor Trustee, etc. Its like she holds the fact that maybe she’ll leave me a little $$$. Its like her digs at me now will be softened by her $$$. I talked with her about boundaries and picking her battles; she proceeded to say some nasty things to me, then she stormed out of the room. I picked up my bag, and left her house. She closed the front door and turned off the porch light. Jeezus. I am 72. Had an awesome work history plus a successful business. She brags about me to her friends, but has negative remarks directly to my face. She brings up stories from 40 years ago where I disappointed her. Anyway, how can I know go No Show now at this late age? Can I go ahead and act as if she’s dead and buried? I would feel relief, no regrets and no guilt. My days of feeling bad about how she treats me are long gone. I have worked through that. But, I myself have no friends and no relationship with my living brother or any of his kids or wife. I`m inheriting her house. I want to live in Texas on a beach..definitely a laid back and fun place. I’d like to form a loving relationship with a level headed MAN. as soon as she passes, house will be sold, ill split $$$ with brother, then I’ll move away again. I was away from Mom from 1979-2019. Glorious years.
Thank you for this article. I believe my mom is narcistic. She used to control me, use me as a pet, she would spend so much time on work and when she got home would tell me about it for hours and my only job was to listen, she would never ask how my day was. She never did and still never does ask about my opinion. She controls me and manipulates me with money. Whenever we disagree she will just be silent and not talk about it. But I can’t believe (yet?) there is little to no love. I still feel loved, there is no verbal abuse (no swearing or something).
Thank you for this creating this website. I am a 30 years old daughter and I have always felt my relationship with my mom was troubled too often. She always says (even now) I come across rude and offensive and that I always troubled her every since a small child due to my greedy and attention seeking. I recently had a terrible hit and run car accident which left me almost half dead. I am mostly recovered now but while having so much pain still, she puts how I need to look nice and in a presentable state externally which came across shocking to me – I now have slight disformality in body. I started reading lots of professional/personal experience based articles and I am coming to understand that my mother might be a narcissist who has been gaslighting me for decades. I had a serious level of depression when life was tough mostly due to how much failure I was to other people. It is indeed eye opening to get to know about what was happening behind the scene. As much as I hate her and despise her at the moment I can’t help but wants her love still. I am now looking for a book or other resource to learn about emotional independence which was deliberately omitted while educating me.
I try not to focus too much on whether she ever loved me or loves me. Instead I am just taking my time to understand what is happening and let myself cry or get angry. I hope time helps me to come to a healthy term with my mother in a way that does not sacrifice my happiness. Thank you so much. I wish today to be kind and generous to you.
Hi H,
I am in my 60’s and just came to understand my mother’s Narcissism a couple of years ago, after she died. She is still abusive, even from the grave.
It really has been therapeutic to read of others with similar circumstances. My conclusion is that parents (and others) with this disorder are truly sick – in their perception, in their thinking, and in their dealings with other people. Realizing that, I feel that it’s best to give them space. If somebody had a beloved pet that contracted Rabies, you don’t hate the pet. You just realize that it’s sick and will never be the loving companion that you want it to be. You do what you can from a safe distance, but be realistic about the outcome.
32 and I have known my mother is a narcissist for the last 3 years or so. I have done a deep dive on this before COVID but got sidetracked by the pandemic and a bunch of other things going on in my life. I realize now my low esteem and inability to have strong relationships comes from life long abuse and competition at the hands of my mother. I always hated looking at her in the eye in case she would criticize me like she did when I was a child ( telling me I’m ugly or too dark, arms are too long, your a nerd etc.) this all left deep scars in me and is affecting my work and social life. I hope this coming year allows me to grow and regain confidence and strength. I wish everyone reading this the best too!
I’m the scapegoat, empath 58 swf (in the blue jacket with she/hers pronouns) 😂. the goldenchild narc sister of mine recently went no contact with my narc mom and me. I know what’s going on, but sometimes I lose control and let her go on these passive aggressive hateful gossip phone rants and I get so mad and sad at myself for not calling her out or shutting it down. I was in survival mode since I can remember, never had time to develop emotional social intelligence. I struggle everyday. I’m giving it to God and doing the best I can for MYSELF from this day forward and nothing else matters! I hope everyone finds some peace and love!
My Mom is a narcissist. When I was young she would tell me to stay away from my Dad, flirt with my boyfriends, make fun of me to my friends. As I got older other people in my life pointed out she was competing with me! It was such a shock to hear the words. As years went on she started to treat me nice and I thought I had imagined it all. Recently my husband told me my Mom has walked naked in front of him twice – still competing – so disappointing! I still seek her love which is pitiful! Recently she moved to the small town I live in and she says the vilest lies about me to anyone who will listen! It’s worse now because I have friends and grandchildren in the town and I am always afraid to run in to someone who believes her lies!
Thank you for these comments. It helps me understand what I have struggled with for many years. I am 62 years old and only just realized I have a Narcissistic Ageing Mother with brain degeneration, a Narcissistic Cheating Husband of 35 years, and possibly a late narcissistic sister who died 6 months ago at the age of almost 63 (Cancer). My younger sister is 60 and lives abroad. My Mother has triangulated all three of us all our lives. From a young age, very independent and I have always succeeded in everything I have done in life, without any validation from my Mother or my husband. My mother always criticized or mocked me for being the ugly one, shaved my hair, and dressed me as a boy from toddler to adolescence. I was very underweight with a large stomach. I suffered from IBS for many years. I was bullied and labeled frik the skrik (freckled and ugly) by my older and younger sisters. only realized in later years that my Mother always created aggravation and jealousy between my sisters. I have always been the daughter who has been the carer to my Mother. She is now 83 years old. My Dad, the most gentle man, died 4 years ago. I am really struggling to cope with her. Could write a book on challenges. This is the first time I have written about some of my emotions.