12 Biggest Mistakes That Allow Narcissists to Control You

It’s easy to make mistakes around narcissists. Sometimes, they even open a trap and let you walk right into it. The lure of walking into something you can’t see ahead does what, exactly?

It allows you to slip up!

What happens then?

The narcissist has full control over you. 

You see, narcissists thrive on having control. The more of it they possess, the more powerful they feel. Seeing as they cannot get the power from themselves or their own abilities, they turn to you as a source of supply. 

What are the 12 biggest mistakes you can make that allow narcissists to control you?

Let’s take a look.

#1 Trust Them

Trusting the narcissist is the biggest mistake you can make. 

There is no way to trust a narcissist. You might think differently, but you’ve likely been manipulated to assume you can. They are not your safe place, and no sooner do they sense your trust, then they use and abuse it, eventually breaking it altogether.

You’re left finding out the hard way. 

#2 Think They Will Change

A narcissist isn’t capable of change, as change only occurs when a person can self-reflect and notice the errors of their ways. 

One of the main traits of narcissism in general is their overly inflated sense of self; nothing can touch them, nobody can bring them down. They don’t see a problem, and this is devastatingly destructive to everybody else around them, who unwillingly give their energy and emotion to the narcissist. This is because they cannot provide any for themselves.

Thinking this will change is a huge mistake – it won’t. They will always be who they are, if anything, they are known to get worse with age. The controlling aspect comes from you living under their rules and beliefs, rather than yours.

The narcissist makes themselves bigger than anybody else they’re around, and that’s where their control lies. 

See also  6 Honest Ways to Make a Narcissist Tell the Truth

#3 Forgive Them

So, you forgive a narcissist. What happens next? 

They hurt you again, and again, and again.

They control that hurt with intermittent love-bombing to pull you back in and tell you how wonderful you are, but only after you’ve hurt through their painful actions for a while. 

In the forgiveness, there lies the habitable permission for them to control you.

#4 Assume They Are Telling the Truth

Taking what the narcissist says as gospel means you are inviting yourself into very rocky terrain. Walking a path so precariously puts you in a weak position, because you can be pushed over at any time.

The narcissist will not think twice to push you over if it means they are still standing, so they will lie and lie, and assuming these lies are truths is a huge mistake to make. 

They think they can walk all over you and retain that control. 

They will, all the while you let them.

#5 Take the Blame

Oh yes, any narcissist loves another who takes the blame, so they don’t have to. 

They can control the narrative if you hold your hands up and defend them. They will have you right where they want you, and keep you there for as long as possible.

Is that something you’re willing to tolerate? It would be a mistake if you did.

#6 Apologize or Justify Yourself

Saying sorry even if you haven’t done anything wrong is your way of keeping the peace. It can also mean you have been led to believe you were the one causing the upset, and that is done by the narcissist controlling the narrative, and spinning further lies and deceit to frame you incorrectly. 

If you see yourself beginning to say sorry more frequently or justifying yourself when you do something they don’t like, ask yourself why they don’t like it rather than assume what you were doing was so terrible. 

See also  11 Ways To Rebuild Self-Esteem After Leaving Your Narcissist

#7 Let Your Guard Down

The narcissist will always put themselves first, and if you don’t set boundaries, they will walk all over you. Even with boundaries, they will give it a good go. 

Letting your guard down is like giving them a key to your innermost vulnerabilities and thoughts. Once inside, they will establish camp and claim it as their territory. 

You will eventually find your vulnerability eroded to nothing because they claim to be so special that they are entitled to know everything about you.

Nobody should be controlling you this way. 

#8 Tell Them Your Secrets

Your secret is never safe with a narcissist. They will make you feel all kinds of special to get to know them, and as soon as they do, they will run to the first person waiting to hear what gossip there is.

As long as the narcissist has an audience, they will use your news and secrets to fire and fuel their ego.

If you were to confront them about this, they would immediately play dumb and pretend they don’t know what you’re talking about, potentially even gaslighting you to believe you were the one who spoke about yourself to others. 

#9 Ask for or Accept Money

One of the biggest mistakes is asking the narcissist for money, or accepting it in any way. Not only is it a conditional handover coated in kindness and sincerity, it is also going to be held against you in as many ways as the narcissist can muster.

“I lent you that money, and what thanks do I get?”

“You owe me!”

“I fail to see how you can smile like that knowing I need that money back.”

The list goes on.

See also  How Narcissists Control You With Positivity

Time and time again, the narcissist uses money to control their victims, so any offer they get should be strongly rejected before everybody knows how poor and inconsiderate they are.

#10 Accept Their Help

A narcissist will lend their help when they know you need it. 

Not because they are kind, but because they know they will be seen to all others as a good person with strong, compassionate values.

The fact is, the narcissist doesn’t care what they do to help, but they do expect you to forever be in their debt, thanking them at any opportunity to make them look even bigger and better than before. This control is a way to shine a positive light on them, and for that reason only. 

#11 Show Your Emotions

Emotions are pools to the soul, and if you aren’t careful, yours will attract the non-swimmer who is the narcissist. They will fall in, create chaos, and stir up all kinds of discomfort within. 

Mistakes can be made when allowing narcissists to control your emotions as they make you believe you are too weak to control them yourself.

Things like: 

“You need me.”

“I’d be so angry/upset/sad/ if I were you.”

they can all gain control of your feelings, thus gaining control of you. 

#12 Expect an Apology

Nobody refuses an apology quite like the narcissist.

They can inadvertently apologize by saying things like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” but they will never apologize for causing it.

This is a way of controlling you and making you feel you don’t deserve an apology. In a backwards view, it then looks to you as though they didn’t actually do anything wrong in the first place. If they did, they would apologize, right?


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