What to Say to a Narcissist When You Leave Them?

So… the time has come when you can no longer tolerate the toxic effects of being with a narcissist, and you decide you want to leave.

Leaving any narcissist is never going to be as straightforward as bowing out of a healthy relationship. You’ll be pushed and pulled in all directions as they repel your intent to leave but – there is hope.

Knowing what to say to a narcissist when you leave them will empower you to know you’ve made the right choice.

So…what can you say?

Let’s find out!

The Less, The Better!

Narcissists love to use your words against you, so the less you say, the less ammunition they have to roll out when you tell them you’re leaving. 

Stick to as little as possible, and with those words, try not to give away too much emotion.

You’ve reached this point over time, and you’re bound to feel as though all your feelings are bubbling away on the surface. Remaining cool and with the least amount to say is the only way to do this.

Tell Them You Don’t Have a Plan

If you have a plan, you can be sure the narcissist will hatch their own in retaliation. They will put a spanner in the works if you are going somewhere. If you plan on seeing somebody, they will come between you and force conflict all the while remaining the ‘innocent party.’

Letting a narcissist know what you’re doing next is going to seem like an open invitation for them to ruin whatever you have set aside.

Ending a relationship always signals the start of a new chapter, so if you want to take some time to work on yourself, see more friends, start new hobbies – they absolutely do not need to know.

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Tell them you have no plan for what comes next – and stick to it. 

“There’s No Hope For Reconciliation”

Blindsiding a narcissist by telling them you are leaving them is going to trigger every single insecurity they have inside them (and believe me, there are a lot), and this will spark the narcissistic rage. 

You might see that include blaming you very publicly, spreading your name negatively in a smear campaign, telling your family and friends you were the problem – the list goes on.

Telling them directly that there is no hope for reconciliation will still provide these damaging consequences, but you are putting a ‘full-stop’ at the end of your relationship. 

There is no comma when it comes to narcissism. 

Your mind is made up, there’s no going back or trying again, and they have to be told this clearly and concisely. 

“Please Don’t Contact Me”

Proving difficult for some – the ‘no contact’ that must occur after a break up with a narcissist needs to be spelled out by you for them to hear. 

Will they listen? Probably not. Remember who you’re dealing with here—someone with zero boundaries and zero concern for your wishes. If I could mark them below zero, I would!

Because of this – you’ll find they try to contact you after a break up for various times. Even when things become quiet and you think they’ve moved on, they will appear via text or email, or maybe even as a friend request on social media. 

Understanding what you asked of them will help you continue your journey of moving on from them. Tell them firmly that you don’t want to hear from them, and give them the same response.

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Life only improves when you cut them out completely. 

Be Clear – “I Don’t Want This Anymore” 

If a narcissist senses your uncertainty – they will play on it. If they see you umming and ahhing, they will give you words. It won’t matter to you what those words are, because the narcissist will cherry-pick them. 

“You don’t mean it.”

“You’re just confused.”

“You need some ‘you’ time.”

No.

You need to break free from this toxic experience – and you need to spell it out as clearly as you can for them that you do not want to be in the relationship anymore. 

They won’t like it – but that’s their problem to fight with – not yours. 

Laying firm boundaries to protect yourself in a break up with a narcissist will be met with resistance, but if you already know that, you can prepare for it.

Wish Them Well

Of course – you never stopped being a good person. Good people wish their newly ex partners well, even if they were treated terribly. You want to see them win, just not at your table. 

Wishing the narcissist well may not sit well with them, but it will ease the drama they will inevitably try to create upon hearing the news that they no longer will have you as their supply, and at their beck and call. 

You want to end things based on your values, not theirs. Wishing them the best for the future settles your heart, knowing you’ve closed the book with a kind heart.

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Tell Them You Won’t Tolerate The Guilt Trip

Covert narcissists are especially good at making innocent people feel terrible, so if you’ve dated one, you’ll remember all the times they brought you down and caused you to apologize without really even knowing what you’re saying sorry for. 

Letting them know you aren’t going to tolerate a guilt trip puts you a step ahead of their game and makes them aware of your knowledge of their tactics. Yes, they can try, but no, it won’t work. 

You’ll feel so empowered!

Tell Them Why If You Have To

Every time they lay down their desperation for you to see and feel inclined to pick up, tell them why you are ending things. 

“I am through being treated like this.”

“You’re not the person I thought you were.”

“I cannot see myself in this with you for the rest of my life.”

If it gets to the point where they need to know that you have figured them out, let them know. 

What Can You Do:

  • Remain cool and calm. You don’t want one last outburst or argument as you break up. This is not what you came here for.
  • Leave your emotions out of it. Don’t get upset as you do this – remember how strong you are.
  • Prepare. Practice what you will say. Use your knowledge of the narcissist to have everything mentally and emotionally in place. 
  • Know that you are worth better. 

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