Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist: Sex and the Narcissist

The sexual attitudes of narcissists are most peculiar- they tend to be either hyperactive sexually or hypoactive sexually. Generally, there are two types of narcissists: the somatic narcissist (hyperactive sexually) and the cerebral narcissist (hypoactive sexually).

The somatic narcissist gains his ‘narcissistic supply’ from other people’s reactions to his body via sexual conquests, bodybuilding, athletic abilities, competence in outdoor activities, or sometimes simply preening. Cerebral narcissists, on the other hand, flaunt their intelligence and knowledge to obtain attention and admiration.

General Characteristics

Narcissists are generally exhibitionists and sex is just another tool in their toolbox for getting attention and adulation. Narcissists commit adultery and have extramarital affairs or liaisons for a variety of reasons including control, power, attention, increasing self-image and because narcissists get bored easily.

Intimacy does not exist. Narcissists are unable to empathize or genuinely love another person. They are master manipulators and know how to fake intimacy; but when their partner no longer meets their “fix” for narcissistic supply, they will drop them and abandon them with no remorse. Partners frequently feel used, even before being abandoned. The narcissist does not fulfill other people’s needs.

Narcissists feel superior and more important than others; they feel entitled to be above the law and entitled to engage in behaviors that are considered socially undesirable or unacceptable. They reject and intensely resent all limitations or conditions placed upon them by their partners. They freely act on their impulses and desires and do not care about social conventions. They love being photographed and talked about. They also like showing that they can break moral and sexual taboos (example: women singers kissing each other on TV shows). , They have very shallow personalities and live for attention and admiration… many are serial lovers, have serial marriages or have countless empty affairs.

Marriage, monogamy, and child rearing are common activities sought after by the average person. However, the narcissist feels robbed of his uniqueness by these common pursuits and feels forced into the roles of husband or father. This narcissistic injury leads him to rebel and reassert his superiority and specialness by engaging in extramarital affairs.

There are many narcissists who are charming and seductive, graced with a worldly manner, yet who cannot not keep his or her hands off other women or men. Men and women with narcissism seek sexual gratification as a way of getting attention and narcissistic supply – they may say they are addicted to sex, but it is the attention and control they crave.

Narcissists are control freaks. Seducing someone into having sex is a form of control. The more difficult the target is, the more power and control they feel.

Most adults can brush off the behaviors of a narcissist, but children are more vulnerable. A narcissist who commits sexual abuse on a child feels powerful because they feel they can control the victim while thumbing their nose at society and its laws.

Narcissists are absolutely misogynists. They hold women in contempt; they both loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them by sexually humiliating them or by withholding sex from them. They have ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act. Generally, it is a means to an end and the act itself is meaningless, and provides no emotional connections.

The Somatic Narcissist

The somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests; his sex partners are considered by him to be mere objects – sources of narcissistic supply. It is through seduction and sexual conquest that the narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic “fix”. He uses sex to conquer and secure new sources of narcissistic supply. For the narcissist, sex is a mechanical act, devoid of intimacy and commitment. He rarely gets emotionally-involved with his “targets” as he will need to move on to get new sources of narcissistic supply. He then indiscriminately engages in sex with multiple partners.
He will explain that his other sexual partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he is merely taking advantage of them. He insists they do not constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his spouse. In his mind, there is a clear distinction between the “woman of his life” (a saint) and the whores that he is having sex with. With the exception of the meaningful women in his life (all saints), he tends to view all other females in a negative light.

The Cerebral Narcissist

There is another very different type of narcissist. The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is demeaning and degrading. He feels that acting on one’s sex drive is a primitive and common impulse. The cerebral narcissist tells himself that he is above all that, endowed as he is with superior intellect and superior self-control. The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and prefers masturbation or emotionless sex (such as going to prostitutes).

Surprisingly, he also has bouts of sexual hyperactivity in which he frequently changes sexual partners and regards them simply as objects. However, the hyper-sexuality appears mainly after significant narcissistic crises. A painful divorce or financial turmoil, and the cerebral narcissist quickly concludes that the “old solutions” (intellectual) no longer work.

Sex is convenient and a fantastic source of narcissistic supply: it is immediate, partners are interchangeable, it is comprehensive (it includes all the aspects of the narcissist’s being), as well as being highly charged, adventurous, and pleasurable. After a life crisis, the cerebral narcissist is likely to be highly involved in sexual activities – excessively and almost to the exclusion of everything else.

As the memories of the crisis fades, he abruptly loses interest in sex and in all his partners. The frequency of his sexual activities declines from several times a day to a few times a year. He reverts to intellectual pursuits, sports, politics, voluntary activities – anything but sex. Sex becomes an obligation, a maintenance chore reluctantly undertaken only to preserve his sources of supply (like family or household).

The cerebral narcissist then minimizes all types of intercourse with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, and friends) whether it is sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself to the minimum of exchanges and isolates himself socially. Eventually, he really is left alone by everyone, with no secondary sources of supply.

He begins a quest to find new sources and he again embarks on ego-mending bouts of sex, ending with the selection of a mate. Then the cycle starts all over again: a sharp decline in sexual activity, then emotional detachment leading to abandonment.

Sex, for both types of narcissists, is a tool used simply to increase the number of sources of narcissistic supply. If it is their most effective tool in their toolbox, they make excessive use of it. If the narcissists cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, or attention by any other means (e.g., intellectually) –they resort to sex.

Sexual Abuse by Narcissists

Narcissists have a strong tendency to sexually abuse a partner. Their partners own sexual preferences will be ignored, banned or twisted. Here are some common abusive behaviors:

  • They will prohibit their partners from masturbating under the threat of punishment.
  • If their partner does masturbate, they will ask to watch and say it is only so they can ‘learn to please” their partner.
  • They will insist that their mate watch porn although the mate doesn’t usually do that.
  • Sexual gratification is only to reassure the narcissists that they are good lovers.
  • The narcissist pretends that sex is for the partner but is after her/his gratification only.
  • Their partner’s sexual past will be torn apart or thrown in their face during, or after, the relationship.
  • The narcissist revels in telling their partner all about their sexual past and that he or she will never measure up to their other lovers.
  • The narcissist may freeze their partner out of sex altogether while calling them a nymphomaniac.
  • The narcissist instigates sex (like telling erotic things and sending pictures or emails which are sexual) but then decides at the last minute that nothing is to take place or they have changed their minds.
  • The partner feels humiliated and yet the narcissist claims that (s)he has been humiliated.
  • The narcissist does not care if their mate gets hurt physically and/or emotionally and may even enjoy it when their mate gets hurt.
  • The narcissist instigates and turns everything into a sexual game.
  • The narcissist says their partners are having sexual relations with others, although it is the narcissist that has a strong tendency to flirt with others and to be unfaithful.
  • The narcissist makes fun of their partner’s sexuality or body in front of others.
  • The narcissist has to try out everything possible (positions, toys, etc).
  • The narcissist is an exhibitionist and will want sex in public and/or dress inappropriately (tight clothes without a bra or jock strap) and says it was an accident
  • The narcissist will send pictures of their penis or breasts wanting to know how they rate. They will insist their partner send pictures for them to rate.

References:

  1. http://www.zimbio.com/Narcissistic+personality+disorder/articles/41/Sexual+Relationships+Narcissists
  2. http://narcissism101.com/NarcissistsinPrivate/narcissistssexua.html
  3. http://samvak.tripod.com/faq29.html
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About Alexander Burgemeester

73 Responses to “Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist: Sex and the Narcissist”

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  1. Deanna says:

    I am having the worst time with my 15 year relationship/marriage. I believe we are headed for divorce but his manipulation is making it very hard to figure things. Out. Any help would be appreciated. I live in Northern Nevada.

    • Calendula McBeanblossom says:

      I was married to one for 13 years, plus 4 years dating before that…….I had to get kicked out of the relationship before I started reading all about this phenomenon. How surprised I was to discover that all the reasons I had to feel bad about myself were untrue. The more time had elapsed, the more relieved I was to be out of that hell-hole. No more power struggles, no more him demanding the impossible and me trying to talk sense to a brick wall, then hiding it from friends and family. Eventually, I fell REALLY ill. It was all good when I was catering to him, but when I was convalesing and needed help with food, bathing, etc. He did the minimum, but resented it so deeply, that as soon as I got well enough, -boom- I’m out! Joke’s on him: I am functioning physically emotionally and maritally, with NO contact, and I am grateful! It was a blessing in disguise!

      • Sue says:

        I am truly happy for you & hope ur story will giv strength thru ur courage! I am fortunate in that I was rendered homeless at a young age abruptly wen my mom sold our home & got 1 berm apartment far away ! Instead of me needing her, I (thinking this is life!), met college student with same circle of friends in need of roommate & s he helped me apply to college , pursue career , obtain graduate degree & challenges were only part of life to face, & grow! At times, like now…I feel stuck & drained but I kno that il,look bac w gratitude for strength to embrace but I am going for professional guidance but there’s an answer n happiness but befriending an enslaved tortured victim of a sadistic narcisstic mom so set up for failure that he’s in quicksand but until meeting me didn’t kno there was solid ground for him to find freedom… But ritualistic abuse thwarts cognition & I must help myself after a whole year of him brainwashed to lie, protect & deserve punishment that it’s unbearable & my unanswered pleas ignored :-(
        Advice appreciated as he won’t seek refuge of no contact as he’s afraid….??? Il b fine

  2. make sure says:

    Having read this I believed it was rather enlightening.
    I appreciate you taking the time and effort to put this information together.
    I once again find myself spending way too much
    time both reading and posting comments. But so what, it was still worth it!

  3. Sarah says:

    I have just come out of a 3 year relationship with a narcissists. Reading this really helps me as I thought I was going crazy
    My narcissist ex has dumped me 5 times over our 3 year period then our relationship takes this pattern
    He tells me he can’t live without me. I fall for it, he buys me gifts, cooks for me, compliments of, makes love to me. This normally last 2 months on average. Then he will start to withdraw, stop making love and start masterbating, leaving me the evidence them telling me I need help as that isn’t what he does. Then tells me this is why he doesn’t want to make love to me. He stops cooking, doesn’t do anything around the house and I become his mum. He constantly tells me about every ex, we go shopping. He will say, oh I used to go out with a girl who lived near that shop. We go down a street, you guessed it he went out with a girl who lived there
    I would ask him to leave as I feel he is breaking me. No, he won’t leave me, I’m his world. Then one day he just gets up, packs his things and walks. I beg, he doesn’t love me. I suffer and drag myself through everyday for him to turn up months later and start again

    I got pregnant as we were approaching the gym don’t want to make love stage. We argued because I wasn’t getting any help and was more like his slave. I ended it with him at least 5 times but he wouldn’t budge. He would change, he needed my help etc. Then one day I started to bleed. On the same day I found out he had been in contact with another women. I wasn’t going to bring it up but he came home from work didn’t even ask about me and our baby. I asked about the other women and the texts. How dare I question him! That was it, he was leaving, knowing I could of been loosing our baby at 16 weeks.

    He packed his things and went. Telling me he lies by accident but it was over. The next day, I found out our baby had died. I telephoned him heart broken and he just said I’m sorry but he wasn’t coming to the hospital. I was induced and spent 2 days in labour with my family at my side as I have birth to our baby.

    I didn’t hear anything from him. I found out last week that he has paid hundreds of pounds for one of these life like women. Well this has a life like torso working bum and front hole. I vomited for two days, felt so degraded.

    Still I pine for him or the guy he is for the first two months. He took all my confidence, made my name black. Had a different version to everything that happened, every time. Made me think I had totally lost the plot.
    Now I just have to take baby steps, every hour as it comes, never mind days
    Xx

    • Dan says:

      You will heal. As you continue to see through the event for what he was, it will hold no power over you. Spend time in healing environments and stay away from immediate relationships, would be my advice. Better times are coming for you.

    • im going though the same shit. man i feel every thing you said its hard to explain to friends and family what your going through.i lived it going on four years now. did all kinds of stuff to me .only thing is im married and trying not to break my vows to her or god now she trying to turn every thing around on me but her history says diffent.they really cant love anyone just want you to know you are not alone, its not your fault !!!you know you got one when they dont show up at the hospital pretty comon.theres a lot of pain in this stuff .

    • ByrdScott says:

      Wow! You need to work every day on loving yourself! Remind yourself contantly that you are enough. If you had your mind right, he could of treated you like this once and maybe twice but never for so long. You will never be able to control anyone’s behavior but your own. I responded because my heart went out to you…I use to be that girl.

      • Sue says:

        I couldn’t hav given a more positive inspirational message than that in which only I give up my power thus allowing ur empowerment because , without weak there will be no strong so if each of us gained self confidence thru realization that no one can take what u don’t give!!! I once allowed myself low self confidence by not receiving validation that I m good & the sadistic narcisstic mother can destroy lives as Angels of Death torturous harm (@Auchwitz WWII Nazi !), provided a sense of ,”look how powerful I m to hav enslaved n received obedience!?”
        human reaction to ritualistic dehumanizing torture over duration of life elicits hormones which render victim helpless , isolated in self imposed jail with authority & society saying…he can leave!? “Mind ur business!”
        Lives of the weak are everyone’s concern! Neglect or failure to help is abuse! The abuse injures frontal cortex which shows up as larger grey matter & victimized is broken shattered thus submissive & paralyzed by fear. More public awareness is urgent ASAP

      • Sarah Pulls says:

        Thanks for sharing everyone! I am recovering from a 27 year relationship with a Narc. (going through a divorce now) I know your pain. I encourage you to read up on narcissism and codependency. Make the efforts and take the steps to recover. Get educated. Knowledge is power!!! We are worth it. We deserve respect and true love and to be valued and cherished. But we will never have this if we continue to stay in an emotionally unhealthy place.

    • chynah says:

      Sarah…my husband has done me the same way your husband did you..he lefted me 5 times with in 2 years..every 2 or 3 months he would leave me…them woman dont mean nothing to him…lies on top of lies..i am still going throught it he lefted me a month ago he call me private on the phone and wont say nothing..friends and family dont understand what i am going through…i need helpppppp..all i do is cry.hoping he will get treatment..

    • T says:

      I can relate to your story, I was married to a Narc for 15 yrs & had 3 children only to end in him turning violent, me getting restraining order & a nasty 4 yr abusive divorce… Your baby is in heaven rather than in the hands of his evil, something you may never have been able to protect it from. My poor little girls were ordered to be with their Narc-father 50% custody even though there was a 56 pg psych report on how cruel he is. Cruelty is looked upon in the court system like- “go to a therapist, work on that”, but as long as nobody landed in the hospital, a parent doesn’t lose ‘rights’ over it… So, have faith that you escaped much worse abuse down the line. Do everything you can to heal & surround yourself with kind (not narcissist) people… Wishing you all the best

    • Esme says:

      I really feel for u ur worth so much more. Believe me u will get there but it takes time and complete “no contact” with him. I,m only a few months going through the process i was with him for 10 years, same old story “i,m sorry it wont happen again, orthis time it will be different” i wanted to believe it would be. Not worth wastimg your time on someone like that, they wont change. I wish u all the best dont let him win, move on and be happy.

    • Diane says:

      Oh Wow this is exactly what I’ve had….them prefering masterbating instead of having normal sex with a woman is so degrading,you know they are doing it,it’s a way of rejecting you,but as its secret you can’t call them out on it,and they know you know,& enjoy your hurt

    • cheryle says:

      Sarah, it is so heart-rending what you have been through. I’m really sorry you’ve gone through so much suffering.
      A narcissist really can make a person feel like they are going crazy, and as you know ~ you didn’t deserve any of that treatment.
      You are a kind, loving, compassionate human being.
      A narcissist looks for targets that have good qualities such as yours.
      I was involved with a narcissist for many years. (I was quite effected,
      incredulous and almost destroyed, by the time I came to realize who and what he really is.
      All the charm, caring and kindness is only to maintain their supply sources. They are NOT capable of love,
      and for those that are “close” to them – when the mask comes off,
      and all the deception is revealed, it is so devastating, as you gradually discover all that you believed you had was really only an illusion.
      I’ve had no contact for two and a half years, and am still in the process of recovering and healing. They come back – the one I knew did – 10 years later. I trusted he had changed, and he promised counseling and a loving relationship.
      It was hard to discover who he really was, and the way he crushed my spirit ~ and the lies, lies, lies – the emotional cruelty…..
      I broke down, but escaped one year later, with barely my sanity.
      I’m new to this site, and hope I’m not violating any rule – but if you ever need someone to talk to about what you are going through, as you go about processing all this, you can certainly contact me any time for
      an empathetic ear. I do care, and I wish you many blessing, on the journey of healing you are embarking on ~
      Your letter here has been very comforting to me, in saying “take baby steps, every hour as it comes, never mind days.” I so needed that reminder this evening.
      You understand.
      NO CONTACT.
      You have the power.
      You are a courageous woman.
      sincerely,
      cheryle
      angelheartcrl@frontier.com

      • kathy says:

        take baby steps, every hour as it comes, never mind days………… I hope that I make it to the other side. thank you for sharing your pain. and sadly I lived it too. I hope your life is getting better!

  4. Areej says:

    Thank you Alexander for this amazing article. It helps a lot of women and men to understand clearly the cycle of abuse we had to go through. A lot of what you have written I ironically experienced it.

    When I think back to what I was really going through with the extreme narcissist I was in relationship with, I get anger and rage inside of me to let myself to be degraded and sexually abused for over a year.

    My abuser got to a point that I would be literally abandoned by him while I crave for sex and he would watch porn instead leaving me hours feeling humiliated and ashamed. He would talk to other female friends in a sexual manner and wipe it into my face.

    I have been asked to watch his sex video with his ex-wife, wear wigs and even wear his ex-wife night wears.

    I once caught him kissing another woman shirtless in an underground bar while I was with him and told me later on that the woman attacked him and forced him to take off his shirt…

    They come to your life to suck you in to their darkness and leave you helpless, worthless, humiliated with no self-esteem.

    • cheryle says:

      “They come to your life to suck you into their darkness and leave you helpless, worthless, humiliated with no self-esteem”.

      Areej, yes.
      They do not have consciences ~ we must realize, no matter how we want it to seem, or be – they don’t CARE ~ only about obtaining admiration, recognition, any form of attention, positive or negative – for themselves ~ for the supply that is so central to their functioning.
      Believe what your instincts are telling you ~
      I know about that darkness ~ and it is an evil we must flee from, and never return.
      It’s the only way we have hope ~ we must break that cycle of violence.
      We have tremendous courage, and we can save ourselves.

      c.

  5. Recent Supply Source says:

    Excellent post. Wish I had found this information a few months ago. I have just encountered a medical doctor with this tendency. Your descriptions are very accurate and are very surprising when one first encounters a person like this as a partner. It is one thing to find such people in the workplace but in the bedroom it is a shocker. The observations on them wanting to do things in public (or fantasizing about it), not wearing underwear once they know you, and digging up insignificant things from your past (as a teenager for example) and later throwing them back at you, are spot on and really the opposite to what healthy individuals would do. Suffice it to say there are many red flags for women who meet up with men like this. They also genuinely prefer ‘doing themselves’ to letting you touch them if the one I met is typical and I did notice the control freak aspect does not permit them to have a genuine orgasm with a partner either but rather a more restrained (feigned?) version. I parted ways with this character on the night of a full moon which somehow seemed appropriate. I’m hoping ‘no contact’ will be enforced but understand they can also be vindictive. Websites like yours are helpful in trying to understand, get over it and move on but really it is so disturbing to have an encounter or series of encounters like this it is difficult to shake off. I feel truly sorry for women who find themselves in marriages with such individuals.

  6. Soul4Real says:

    Thank you for this enlighting information on these human vampires….all I can say is watch your children. These pedolphiles don’t know boundries and they will do anything…you have to be careful in choosing your partners. Before I go through that hell again…I’ll be by my damn “Self”!! I thank “God” that I made it and I won’t look back! They are the “Devil” himself….if you know you are with a “N”, run like “Hell”!!!

  7. MHRA says:

    “He, Him, His?” “Narcissists are absolutely misogynists.”? Wow, what a gender biased article. 90% of the narcissists I know are women. So if anything they’d be misandrists. But I really doubt all male narcissists are misogynists. Narcissists may indeed be incapable of truly loving others, but that’s still a long stretch to misogyny. Don’t know where you get your facts, Mr. Burgemeester. Maybe you’ve been hanging around the feminist camps too long?

    • lk says:

      It’s quite widely documented that narcissists are more likely to be male and that only a very small percentage are female. The Madonna/Whore complex that is at the heart of the male narcs’ relationships with women is certainly misogynistic and in fact, your use of the word feminist as if it is a negative thing reeks of misogyny.

      • cheryle says:

        I was the “sweetest woman in the world” ~
        then in a rage out of nowhere, I was a “f—ing whore”.
        (there was never another partner in my life during those years – only him)
        Eventually, he withdrew affection – when trying to cultivate intimacy –
        I was told I was a “nymphomanic” (like the article was saying)
        He said there was “never any reason to be angry” at him, but if I ever thought there was, he “didn’t want to hear about it.”
        All the things he was – he projected on to me – when the idolization was over –
        I was not self-aware, (if I could just drop my ego),
        I was crazy, stupid….imagining things….and then came the ridicule about my clothes and how a particular thing didn’t suit him about my body – demanding I weigh in every day with him recording ~ (weight and measurements) –

        To the outside world they can often be so charming and magnanimous ~ it is so different for the person(s) dealing with them at home.
        I’ll never understand it completely, but I know what I experienced
        He was soliciting women on line, a predator,
        a persuasive, charming liar, and it worked many times to gain their trust. He had a method ~ it’s about control and getting what he needs – the supply – and he can never get enough.
        I can see now I was too compliant and codependent, but I was a sweet, kind person, not devious in any way; devoted and caring.
        To try to love a narcissist is an exercise in futility.
        They cannot give or receive love. I don’t believe they are gender discriminate – they don’t love anyone, but they will pretend to love you as long as you provide them with positive or negative supply.
        They can only emulate love. They only use people for their own selfish purposes. If there is any way they can see to use you – they won’t want to let you go. When you have no use to them, you will be degraded, and discarded.
        You cannot discuss the TRUTH with them – they are gone.
        Their sense of entitlement is great – and they do not want to change, as they believe they are just about perfect.
        They create their own reality – and people their “kingdom” with those that bow to their wishes and see them as the “AUTHORITY” on everything. They are always right ~ never, ever wrong.
        Question them – you will suffer.

        He really did not like women – he would use them as “objects” and discard them when/if they figured him out, and when he could not get the admiration – he just moved on to others waiting in the wings.
        When I called him on it, and gave him every opportunity to just sit down and say the truth – he lied to my face. What a cold, empty look in his eyes. He said, “I wish I’d hidden it better.”

        Yes, ~ there were many “red flags” – and I ignored them.
        When the mask slips they give you many clues as to their true destructive nature, but often, by then, we’ve invested so much of our
        time, love, and energy into the relationship, it can be so difficult to walk away, (run!) but I believe it’s the only way to save your sanity and your soul.
        As Areej commented, they will suck you into their darkness, ~ they will cloud the clarity of your mind, if you allow it, ~ like a one-man cult, they use psychological torment, to drain you of all the goodness and uniqueness that you possess ~ because they want to!
        Evil personified.

  8. Kirsty Tyler says:

    When i first realized my ex was a somatic Narcissist it was hard to deal with at first,i think maybe because if someone falls out of love with a person there is closure..but having to accept a narcissist can not feel love,is even more devastating to grasp..that it all had been fake and a lie.

    When i first met him I never knew of the condition,but knew something wasn’t right with how he acted from my previous partners,I met him whilst I was in a relationship with another man,who was kind,caring and affectionate..the thing was i wasnt attract to him anymore and saw him more as a friend,but sadly like most women didnt earn enough to live alone,so stayed more for connivance. When i came across my ex narcissist i told him i was in a relationship,which made him want the chase even more,that was the time he made me believe i was special to him and he really loved me,i was attracted to him not for his looks at first,but for his manliness and confidence and if im honest,because he was a very passionate lover in bed (the best ive experienced even to this day).
    I have a very low opinion of myself and have always been shy and even bullied at school when i was young,due to which have had a number of cosmetic surgeries in the past and still not happy with the way i look.

    After a few weeks of seeing this Narcissist behind my partners back(which i still feel guilty for and believe karma got one back on me) I told my partner i do not love him and have found someone else..it wasnt easy to do and i even cried because i felt guilt and i even cried in font of my narcissistic partner and he showed no comfort or empathy towards me what so ever,which i found strange but thought could have been due to jealousy.

    A few days after when we were officially “together” i noticed he was very self obsessed and very arrogant and even came across fake(which i even told him) he would talk about how good looking he was for his age,how women would leave their partners,husbands to be with him,he told me a string of lies which later i found out were no where near true,such as sleeping with famous women,threesomes,claiming he was a professional boxer even kept a good mate such as the likes of David haye!! loads of other things such as he’d been shot,owned his own house which was in fact was his parents. Time went on and i noticed he would put me down a lot and say he was too good for me..(when he isnt what most people would find attractive and was 10 years older than me),he knocked me confidence even more and i felt unloved and unattractive, But still felt in love with the guy who i met and even the guy that showed he “loves” me when were in bed..so i felt confused.I started (not subconscious) to feed his ego,because i knew thats the only time he wanted me around.
    Two months had gone by and i was shocked to find i was pregnant,one minute he would say keep the baby and the next he would say that i must get rid of it because his family would kick him out his house, at the age of 33 and he would be get chucked out the family inheritance,i felt as though i was having an emotional breakdown. He told me i should come round and meet his parents but not yet to mention the pregnancy..My narcissist ex partner was a Sikh,so i understood as i am English that in their culture they wouldn’t approve and as i cared a lot for him i told him i would have had an abortion so they wouldn’t disown him,but he told me that wasnt an option for him despite his contentious change of mind each day!

    I met his mum,dad and brother and they immediately didnt like me,for what reason i honestly didnt know as i was always polite and tried having conversations with them.His mother i disliked the most because as soon as i met her she was very boastful and showed off her home and she was very materialistic,such as saying ‘my husband buys me this and that and he gives me everything i want..ect,thats all she was interested and was clear, she too was narcissistic.She wasn’t interested in her son (my ex) and even told me he was a failure and they both(his parents) favored the brother over him..it was clear. My ex would ALWAYS defend them no matter what and went against what i thought about them (which i guess most would) He told them three months into the pregnancy that i was pregnant and took a scan photo round,his mum said nothing but his dad and brother were very angry with him and didnt talk to him for months and he stayed with me,i even remember falling out with him because his dad said he doesnt want a mixed race child in the family tree..and his brother kept telling him everyday that he should get me to abort the baby,i used to get very upset to the point i couldn’t eat.

    For the whole 9 months i never saw his family,he still spoke to them but they were cold with him. We split up more times than i can could count as he would always put other priorities before me and make promises and didnt keep them,he would make fun of my looks still,accuse me of the baby not even being his,call me a prostitute and ugly and that im dirty english scum ect..and blame me in public for getting pregnant. I’d stay at my friends sometime because i felt alone,but he would text me after about two weeks and say he loves me and wants me back,but he was NEVER sorry for how he spoke or treated to me.

    After i had my baby in the hospital,his mum and dad decided to come round and visit their grandchild,they didnt really speak to me and they took over my daughter in every way possible even to this day (she is three) Even on the way out of the hospital one of the aunties took my baby in a separate car from me,i was very worried and angry. They told me they didnt like the name me and him chose for her and wanted us to give her a indian name,they even call her an Indian name today and never use her birth name at all,they asked to keep her for four months one time as well! they get my girl to call them mum and dad and me by my first name. They even fill her with sweets and junk food to which ive had to say something to which his dad just replied ‘i am the grandfather ill give her what i want’ I even stopped her from going round as much and which my narcissistic ex took me to court over,coz he thought he had a hold over me due to the fact he studied law.

    As time went on before i realized he was a narcissistic,we fell out and got back together number of times,we rowed over his family over the fact he never went near me,kised me ect,withdraw sex from me and put me down,he even went to another country behind my back and also some days when my girl was very young he would turn his phone off and i believe he was cheating.Since Ive know him he’s had numerous different jobs,cars and two different houses.

    Because i felt alone and very insecure in the relationship i finally had enough and we split almost a year ago, He tried getting me back once or twice or offered me out places a few times,but i never accepted..It was and still is very hard to accept and i still have to deal with his narcissistic parents in my child’s life,not disciplining my child over spoiling her and over feeding her.I was brought up with my grandparents so have no family but his who can help me out when i go back to work ect.

    I found out through researching and even talking to his ex girlfriend that i believe he is a narcissistic and will use others to benefit himself.
    I worry for my child’s well being and prey she will not be influenced by narcissism .

    I found out recently due to facebook,that he is with another woman (who i believed he cheated on me with due to evidence) and she is writing how in love she is and how he’s her prince,but his comments to her are more of the sexual nature to which she isn’t aware yet, because its only been a few months..but soon she will see the real him,nasty,cold,controlling,bored easy,unsettled selfish man where as he can not feel love,then he’ll be on to his next victim for his supply.

    But in the mean time i have to bring his child up the best i can,whilst putting up with his childish games and his families influence on my daughters life.

    Thank you for reading my long dyslexic story lol and i wish full recovery to men and women dealing with a narcissists in their lives.

    • comcern for your daughter says:

      You must be out of your mind, lady! Look up the studies of child abuse/neglect. After age 3, your child is in danger of permanent damage by her grandparents! Get a sitter or child care outside of that nuthouse!!! Move away if possible!

    • Sally says:

      Mam, i hate to be hard on you, but you need to protect your little girl much better. Go seek whatever government help you qualify for, and get daycare to care for your child if you decide to work. Even better, stay home and take care of her yourself if you can. Keep your daughter away from her father and his family as much as you can — seek legal help to do this, and please be clever and smart and handle this for your daughter’s sake, or she too will suffer from this narcissism, both as a victim and as a narcissist. If you can, get far, far, away…

  9. alice says:

    After finally leaving…for good the last time, I have come to realize much about this disorder..and what hell i suffered in while with him and even after i left him.He was very sick, twisted in his head about sex. He wanted me to do many sick things for him, to control me! He even hid his brother in our bedroom one night..trying to be sneaky and have him perform oral sex on me in the dark. The brother is just as twisted! turned out, i blew the whole thing up and turned on the light to go to the bathroom and saw him in there!I was then beaten, cursed and called all kinds of names…for not willingly having sex with my BIL! I was also told i was a big whore, so why not do something to make my husband happy, instead of someone else! there was no one else! He tried his damndest to make an argument out of it..and he did! he also tried to make himself sound like the one who was in the right, not me..i was just supposed to go along for anything he said, wished or told me to do..whatever that was!I had no voice, mine never mattered..it was always his voice, his will to be done! I had grown to hate that man so much, fear kept me there for years..and beatings and rapes! When i finally decided that i would rather try to leave,nothing or nobody was going to stop me..i was determined! he was like a prison guard to me instead of a husband. a prison guard who wanted to be treated like GOD.

  10. Carol says:

    Oh wow where do I begin? I have been seeing a somatic narcissist younger male (can’t say man coz he’s not) for 3 and a half years on and off. I still can’t believe it that I was part of his sick sex conquests.. I recently caught him out with another women at his house. I am 51, he is 39 and she is only 20 yrs old. I found this out after contacting her through Facebook friends search. If only I had been more of a detective earlier I would not have ever gone back, but of course I was a victim of his cunning lies and deceitfulness.

    However I contacted her via Facebook and she asked me to ring her so I did. She tells me that she has been with him for 2 yrs now, and practically lived there a lot. I was so disgusted, she then tells me that he is a speed and ice junkie who shoots up. I said what the f…, OMG I never knew, and that he has many women that he has sex with. She was only 18 yrs old when he started with her. I was so shocked and wanted to vomit. All this time he has pretending to be a very good single father to his three young children.. Now everything adds up, all his twisted stories, his lack of talking, his excuses why he lost my phone number ect ect. I accused him of being a player a few months ago and he just glares at me with no emotion.. as though I am annoying him. I am worried about the kids they are in complete immoral danger. The young women has gone back to him since we spoke, I know because he sent me very abusive messages to my Facebook account from an alias name, (apparently he has many fake accounts, so he can abuse her badly when he is with someone else…

    I am only a few weeks into healing and know I have a long way to go..

    Please advise me or if you want to chat, I have made a report to child protection services about his sick lifestyle with many different women, and letting the kids see and get attached to us..

    I am seriously thinking that there is a lot more I don’t know about, like when the 5 yr old boy said to me one day, did I want to have sex? I said oh you don’t say that, he said yes say that and laughed. I later told his father and his reply was, are you sure with a giggle, because he can’t speak properly. He is very sick, and needs sex daily of anyone he can get, while using womens money to buy methamphetamine to shoot up.
    Apparently this gives a hyperactive sex drive along with his somatic narcissist personality disorder which he has. Honestly I don’t think his kids are safe… It makes me sick to the stomach to know that this much was hidden from me, even when I would query him..

    • Jilly-Anne says:

      I have been reading with interest all the above stories. I have been in a relationship for 3 years with someone I now know to be a narcissist. I was given a book on the subject 2 weeks’ ago and it describes my ‘partner’ exactly. After the first few months of charismatic charm which he poured all over me, he became nasty and insulting, criticising what I wore, my make-up, my hairstyle, my personality, my ‘falseness’, the way I spoke (which was originally ‘a voice to die for’!); he resented my upbringing, my private education, the opportunities I had had…in fact everything about me. I kept thinking it must be me, and I kept apologising for everything I said, as everything I did say seemed to trigger anger and rage, even though he regularly accused me of ‘hysterical rants’ and ‘reading too much into things’. Eventually, 2 years ago, he bullied me into going on the websites looking for men to have sex with, then record it on my mobile and he would keep them all in ‘folders’ on his phone (a phone I gave him!). I went along with it for months, with him sitting beside me as we looked for ‘candidates'; I pretended to meet people, saying I needed to get to know them first; I stalled and stalled; he got more and more angry, would sulk for weeks and deny me sex. Eventually, I had to tell him I couldn’t do what he wanted as I wasn’t some ‘cheap slut'; nor was I prepared to spend any more money on dinners, coffees etc – he never offered one penny towards this. He sulked for weeks, was verbally abusive and very very rude. Over the years he has sent many rude, insulting, irrational texts, all of which I still have. He has worked me up to sex over a period of 24/48 hrs, asking me to wear a certain dress, no underwear, red nail varnish, hair up, etc., only to tell me snearingly on the day, ‘It isn’t all about sex, you know’, and walking out. Two years ago, I had six months of therapy sessions with a Psychologist, begging to be admitted to the hospital unit that deals with the mentally unstable. He has denied me sex for the last six months, apart from my birthday in December, and the last request was for me to record on his phone me giving him oral sex, so that he could use this as his regular thrill, and presumably not need me at all. I refused. Thank God for my friend Jane who gave me the book on Narcissism recently. I read it every night and it gives me strength to deal with this awful man (who, incidentally, I have known for 30 years!) on a daily basis. My thoughts have done a complete about-turn, and although I am not out of the woods yet and still need a lot of support, I now see this man for what he is, and feel pity. He is at the end of his life and is going to die a very, very unhappy man, with nothing!. He is 83 (but don’t be fooled by that, as his brain is exquisitely sharp and he is physically more like a 45 year old, having been an athlete) and I am 70. It has been wonderful to be able to share this with all you people out there. Please support me and don’t judge me on being such a fool. I thought I had fallen in love for the very first time! How evil these people are. Thank you for listening/reading.

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  12. Some Guy says:

    As someone who is narcissistic I feel it is unfair to characterize narcissists as if we are incapable of metering ourselves. Most mental disorders are manageable if the person is made aware of their issues and said person genuinely wishes to be otherwise. What a narcissist has to do is understand that their natural inclinations toward others are inappropriate, and learn to be introspective instead of impulsive. We aren’t monsters. I actually explained the disorder to my girlfriend, and had her read the necessary literature. I encourage her to set boundaries with me, and our relationship is wonderful. As time has passed I’ve noticed that my control issues have faded, because I’d rather enjoy a true partnership than relegate myself to a life of being a hermit. Finally, I encourage narcissists not to drink alcohol, because we tend to be awful people when we’re intoxicated.

    • wow says:

      Wow!!! That’s all I can say!

    • So sad says:

      Respectfully it would be better if you went to a different board with your kind and help them rather than trying to defend yourself here. You are rare breed. Npd people with the full blown disorder have no conscience and do not respect boundaries.

      You are giving false hope to people that have been emotionally gutted and torn apart and have been left behind for other relationships.

      Mine said he would destroy any psychological person he went to for help and then proceeded to take off with a woman half his age who said she could fix him since she is a neuro psych tech with a phd…after he knew her for six days…so please take your defense somewhere else.

      We are people that put in love and support and fed an ego of someone that could not return it lied to us and couldn’t feel.

      I repeat…take your ability to the npd board and try to help them if you want to do anything nice for anyone here.

    • Sally says:

      Yes, I agree with So Sad. She is right. If you have conquered this disorder — help others do the same. It is true, you give false hope here!

  13. Donna says:

    I am convinced my partner has NPD, or certainly borderline however, how do I go about getting him to see this. I need help.

    • Sally says:

      Donna, it is almost impossible to get them to see anything. They can’t see themselves. They are dead inside — there’s nobody in there. They are hollow. Something has to happen for them to want to help themselves very badly, and even then, once they feel better, recover, they go on continuing to hurt more people. Instead of spending energy on him, spend energy on yourself, taking care of yourself, nurturing yourself, getting help for yourself, loving yourself, doing good things for YOU. This may set an example for him. Maybe.

  14. AnonymousMe says:

    Were my two exes narcissists or is there something wrong with me?

    I got together far too quickly with NK. We started living together after only a few weeks. He was very insistent and as much as that should have been a warning, I think I was insecure and naive. Sex was all about him and when I tried to talk to him about it (very gently) he got angry with me. I started losing interest in sex with him because it was frustrating. He pestered me. I tried talking with him again. He called me sexually damaged and told me that I just thought I didn’t like what he did and just thought I liked other things but if I was healthy then I’d agree with him. He didn’t work at all. I had 3 jobs. He accused me of cheating multiple times. I hadn’t. He was jealous of my friends and tried to get me to stop seeing them. He also tried to make me stop seeing my mother. I was locked into a lease with him and I told him I wanted to break up. He refused to let me out of the lease and move out and he refused to sign the lease fully over to me and move out himself. I left and kept paying rent there and paid rent for a room at a friends place. After a month I told him he had to choose to give me the lease or keep it himself. He had 1 month. After that, I’d stop paying and contact the agent.

    The next boyfriend, JW, was flatting with two friends of mine. He had been married with 2 kids; one biologically his. We had a very sexual relationship. I’d never experienced anything like that kind of chemistry before. After a year and a bit, I found out he had cheated on me with many women, mostly my friends. I had a tumour in my uterus and had a small surgery to look around and assess options. This was days after I found out about the cheating. He chose the moment I got home and was still under the influence of painkillers and anesthetic to call me a whore and comparr me negatively to many other women. He attacked my physicality, femininity, spirituality, told me I wasn’t understanding and nurturing, and told me he could never love a woman who behaves like such a whore in the bedroom. He used my eftpos card to empty my bank avvount on alcohol instead of getting my prescription pain killers, so as he was saying all these things the anasthetic and pain killers from the operation were wearing off. Afterward, he spread rumours. Really nasty rumours and used his new girlfriend, a woman I’d known for 10 years, to spread them. To this day, I don’t know who believed these things and who didn’t.

    Were these men narcissists? Or is the problem me? I live in a very isolated way now. I miss having friends around and I would like to socialise again. I don’t have sex outside of monogamous relationships and haven’t been on a date in about a year. I don’t want to be closed off but I’m afraid the problem is me and I’ll just attract another abusive man and ‘friends’ who abuse my trust. What if the reason my friends had no loyalty to me is because I’m a bad friend or a nasty person? What if the reason these two relationships were bad is because I created it and my view is skewed?

    • Lethal Licorice says:

      I would like someone to reply to you because I feel very similar to this. I can’t explain how many relationships have felt this way to me. I even feel that my single mother had less feelings and more drive than average. I don’t feel comfortable getting close with new people because I fear being attracted to the wrong ones. I tell myself all that’s left to do is make myself better and keep others at a distance. Sadder still, I’m a camper of life trauma camp. I preferred volunteering for disabled students in my 6th grade school to going to recess. I then got and survived cancer in my ovaries by 17 years old. And at least 5 younger people close to me, I’ve lost count sadly, have passed away from illnesses and accidents. I am impulsively and compulsively loving and I’m not sure how to stop making connections that leave me so empty in the end and confused.
      Thank you for all this helpful insight. Putting words to all this and spreading support and awareness is the first step to healing.

      • cheryle says:

        Lethal Licorice ~ I feel the same way as you, but I have a hard time articulating it. This is all so hard. I cried a little and felt much empathy for you when I read your letter.
        I have isolated for over two years, and got diagnosed now with severe depression, panic disorder and post traumatic stress. I want recovery, but it’s so hard to find any counselor that understands how devastating, and mind altering such abuse is. I’m fully ready to accept my responsibility in becoming involved in that relationship, but I know I need help healing. I even have tremendous difficulty leaving my house.
        I know it’s not dangerous now, but it feels that way.
        I used to work in this community, with developmentally disabled adults, was independent, and had a rewarding job. I had recovered.
        But, apparently, was not strong enough to resist returning, 10 years later, with the promise of love and companionship, to that same relationship. It was emotionally devastating. A setback, to say the least, and one I could have avoided.
        I do know what you mean – not wanting to get close to anyone, because of fearing to be attracted to the wrong ones.
        And that’s exactly how I feel – “I tell myself all that’s left to do is make myself better and keep others at a distance.”
        I never had strong boundaries – I had gained self-esteem through my productivity at work, but I left after nine years as I faced an adult bully.

        You have been through and endured a great deal.
        You are so right, it’s good that we are putting words to it all and “spreading support and awareness”.

        We can support one another and work on recovery and healing here, too.
        I know I need to develop solid boundaries ~ and I usually always loved and trusted easily, too, like you.
        The narcissistic experience can be life altering. It’s difficult to see it in any positive light, but there could be some sort of painful lesson to be learned.
        I am considering a 12 step recovery program for codependents, as I can’t find any narcissistic abuse recovery program anywhere.
        Toxic people are extremely damaging to the human psyche.
        The sooner we recognize the “red flags” and acknowledge our gut feelings, the sooner we can stay clear, and avoid the damage.

        I sure hope we get to talk sometime ~ I notice your message is from March, but maybe you will come back here to post again.

        You are a nurturer and a giver ~ receptive to giving and receiving love – and a sensitive person. Those are wonderful qualities to possess.

        We must believe and know that we are bound for recovery, and that there are going to be brighter times, with loving people in our lives.
        And, in the meantime, we must be sure to keep being there for ourselves, treating ourselves to the dignity and respect we deserve.

        I have been abandoned by some I considered friends, some family,
        right when I needed support the most.
        But abandoning ourselves – is never an option.
        This recovery process takes time, but we have already taken the first positive step in the journey.

        I sure appreciate this site, the articles, and the supportive people here who are sharing their stories and insights.
        cheryle

  15. Benefitfromexprience says:

    I think I am married to one. I have been married now for 2years. At first he used to pick quarrels with me so he wouldn’t touch me, I thought he was gay, but then I figured out, he was using me for the money and begging him to be intimate with me was a control tool. It seems when I give him money or buy him stuff in a month, he will then do it with me. The thing is I was trying to get pregnant, and he held that over my head. I had no choice it was either I beg or no chances of even hoping to be pregnant. He even told me, he is not attracted to me and he could be with me for a year without touching me, i asked him , then why did you marry me, he said I was available.. Oh mine. I started feeling so unattractive, I am a good looking woman. I started thinking maybe getting bigger boobs to Match up with the Ladies he watches in the Porn movies, yes by the way he was into porn when I met him. But I did not know this, he told me, a woman has to throw himself at him to sleep with her. I just thought it will be better with me. I told him recently I am not giving him any Money and you know, he totally stopped talking to me and not sleeping on same bed with me. This is the 7th month. I know he wants me to beg but I am done. I am getting a divorce.

  16. Jessica Smith says:

    Yes I am sure God led me to this sight. I am the daughter of a narcissist, and then had the naivety to marry one, probably because there was a comfort level there unfortunately. My mother and my step-father (her third husband) moved 18 times in their 18 year marriage. So, of course they were my biggest influences since after all we never stayed anywhere long enough to set down roots. My mother has had multiple marriages and affairs. The majority of them were conveniently timed around the time I was becoming an adult and struggling with addiction. Oh, and our family business was going under. Life crisis maybe?? One of the people she had an affair with was one of the first people I met in A.A. I was 19 and starting to get a grasp on my recovery. She couldn’t even control herself for the sake of my sobriety. Of course she blamed him. Then, she stayed with my step-father another year, just to have another affair, and hand me a key to tell me she “was moving to an apartment, and I could come if I want to.” Meaning she’s been secretly having an affair, and wanted to end her 18 year marriage to the man who had raised me-not my bio father. Then she acted like I was the one who had the issue when I relapsed and didn’t want to attend her new family’s holiday parties. Once again, it was all about her! Still to this day she doesn’t see the point in trying to work through any of our issues. So as it stands I had to leave my husband, and come back to live with her and her spouse. I was an only child so I have no one else to turn to.

    My husband on the other hand was abused and severely neglected as a child, so he has adopted the master manipulator/narcissist personality as a coping mechanism. I have had to leave him multiple times, because the stress is overwhelming. He has accused me of sleeping around from the beginning of our relationship, and I stayed because I reacted out of anger and didn’t want that to be my final decision. Unfortunately he still thinks that I am unfaithful, and assumes that’s the reason I left him. Hilarious! It couldn’t be HIS behavior! I have never been unfaithful, but that doesn’t matter! Not to mention, he used to accuse me of masturbating in my sleep! I don’t even masturbate! It’s rediculous! If I speak up for myself he equates me to his pitty-partying abusive drug addict father! IF I don’t keep the house perfect I am like his hoarding mother! (She was actually on the show Hoarders) I can’t even make friends because I’m so ashamed of our relationship. If we didn’t have two children together I would have been gone long ago. I feel trapped, and I have wasted so much time just trying to convince myself that it would work out. I am afraid I’ll cave again like last time. I know that everything is fine until he comes back into the picture, and then it gets bad almost immediately. I need to get out of my mother’s house so badly. Thank God they built on an addition for my grandparents before they passed so that we could live at least partially seperate. I need to get out of here so badly, but I have been a stay-at-home, homeschooling Mom for the last 4 years! Before that we moved to Chicago area where he was transferred, and left My job, and My college behind. He knows that I have wanted a permanent place to live since I’ve never had that, and he’s never been willing to really work toward that. He lets his job decide where and how we will live! We moved to Chicago, for HIS promotion, which ended being more of a burden for me because I was 10 hours away from any family members, and he worked 6 days a week mostly for 10+ hours, which makes him sound really great, but he sacrificed us to do that. He was always difficult, never allowed me to or encouraged me to do anything that I WANTED to do, and always found a way to tear down what I was doing. In addition, he never helped out at home, and I was always left with the child care, home care, yard care, etc. If there was something fun to do in the house he wanted to do it. He made a big deal about everything that I wanted to do and never supported me in regard to my desires or dreams. Now that I have taken a step to pursue my interests he is
    “in support” of me because he doesn’t want to look like a jerk. It’s all about how he looks and he has been a master of hiding the truth, and getting people to believe he’s really a good guy. Ugh! I have no idea how to combat this! I am a Christian believer, and I am hoping that God will deliver me from both circumstances. I am desperate!

  17. Shan says:

    Im in the middle of hell and wish he was normal :(
    After dating seriously for 4 months he literally dropped me once for 2 months, then came back. I felt so greatful he wanted me back. SO STUPID! I moved in with him after a year and he changed fast. Told people I was crazy he actually got so crazy out of control I called poilce. He moved out of his home and his own mother paid me to leave saying ” he cannot handle it and I should go if he scares me that much”! A grown man had his mom face me. Hurt abandoned and still unsure how I was so horrible to him (believing he must be right) I came close to suicide…And when Im getting stronger he calls and Im so pathetic I fall for it an drop off whatever crap he wanted or whatever excuse he made to call. I honest to god want his aproal but I know I wont get it. He actually has asked me to come have sex…literally near a dump and wear heels.. lol no way! I say no and the crazy part is he is not upping the anti.. he wants out door rushed degrading sex and nothing more. Not even pretending at this point. I refuse and am so hurt deeply crushed by how cruel he can be. Im shocked by his clear refusal to accept my pretty sad boundrys ( but at least I have some) Im crushed because after it all I still feel like Im really not a good enough woman. When will this honestly end.Im not strong enough yet to not read his texts emails or answer his calls. I have stayed strong in refusing to see him. I just dont get it..if you want something from someone would you not intice them?I want out of this mind boggling, heart breaking hell! Advice for someone trying but not as strong yet as you all are?

  18. ari says:

    Shan…. one primary word… RUN. Stay out and be grateful. It was never you or about you. Sounds harsh but its true. You got burned but escaped being incinerated. Please trust me. Im stuck with my narc husband financially and my kids were already taken and im trying to get them back… I have to bite bullet and jump off the cliff and hope everything will turn out. I have a restraining order but he worked himself back in. He is Jekyll and Hyde as it suits him. Ultimately I have to change locks while hes at work and somehow make it financially…. but need to rent a room in my 3bd house to make it…. cant find anyone yet.. im so scared. Be grateful and run please. I just recently gained knowledge that I was raised by5 narcissistic mother.. they are alike yet they hate eachother.. funny really. My normal loving father died 3 yrs ago. Been with this psycho off and on since 2009, married april of last year after living together 2months. His actions and words are too many to write, I could write a book… maybe I will. Run girl and he grateful. Im 31 with 3 children, , ages 3, 7, and 9. Ive had two narc relationships apparently… in addition to my relationship with lunatic mother… I wish I had had this knowledge sooner… good luck….

  19. lisa says:

    Yes , I completely agree … “run”. There is only one way to get away from one of these and that is to block them from any form of contact. 3 Brass monkeys. Hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil. You have to make sure you do none of these in relation to him.
    I’ve been there for 9 years. I could write a book and still feel that people would peg me for an idiot for staying and putting up with it.
    Change the locks , get a restraining order, get bars on the windows (whatever it takes)… change your number or even move if you can. But above all don’t engage with him.
    I’ve even been threatened with a bullet to the back of my head when I’m not looking. All just temper tantrum coz I walked away.
    My father was one also. Hence he seemed like home.
    You’ll be ok. I kept telling myself that and you know I actually am much better than I was. Thankfully I’m lucky that he was so spiteful as to reject parentage of our son that I don’t have to deal with him in regards to the only wonderful thing there was from it. I wish you and your lovely children the best. Try and be strong coz there are good things to come and you won’t even have to fight that hard to have them. Its all about not going backwards. I wish someone told me that too.

  20. Liz Davis says:

    Met on pof. Thought he waz sporty type. Wrong. He has gone on & on about how bad his ex’s are/were. His mum even said oh he has been unlucky I love! He is 47 & babyed by his dad mum & especially his sister. I told him tbey his family all walk on egg shells around him. He says its me trying to vring him down. He is cold emotionally. He has withdrew himself in bed no cuddlez accusing me of hugging quilt. Getting angry with me if I even move in bed. He gets ul to toilet and as he walks past the he has to straighten the quilt wtf.
    Anyhow he haz just sneaked around my back & took all his stuff out of my houze. He has been blackening my name to whoever will listen. He has been in touch and its all my fault. I dont listen to him I make him feel he is lower than the dogs. He says I talk over him & I am having affairs & he checkz to see if am back on pof. He paints himself as a victim. Is cold emotionally isnt really into sex but when he is he cums & that is it no intimite moment of a cuddle he cant handle leaving himself inside me for a moment he just haz to move away. I can just cut me out his life even if am crying begging him. He goes back to his family who all ponder to his every wimb. He knows ive got no family. He just couldnt care less. He has left me this time when I have a million things I need done & help with. He is cold hearted very always angry & his said to me one time when I was jessing around with him she said dont wind him up in front of him. So obviously he then plays up & starts to shout at his mum & me. His dad does nothing letz his son shout and bawl. He is a strict dad to hiz 2 boys wbo both have aspergers he is constantly bringing his ex down in front of her boys. His said to me at the start “so your going to take my so on then?” Weird thing to say. She also said she couldnt have him living in the house with her. This is meant to be a close loving family. He is genuinlh blessed with a family who adore the ground he walks on.

    I miss him but not really cause I am constantly having to fit into his way. Never much tbought for me. But I am constantly accused of not being there fir poor him etc

    G

  21. Anne says:

    My ex is a narc for sure. I thought he was bipolar or something else, but I realize what he is.

    We were together for 2 years and he charmed me, he tried to impress me with lies, spent lots of money on me, had me driving over and hour to see him, talked about having kids, marriage, I met his family fast. It’s funny because I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and told my narc that I just wanted to have fun and nothing serious. he insisted that we were dating while I said we were just hanging out. he placed me high in the air and said I was his top priority. Once I was hooked, he started being standoffish. He disappeared a lot and had no logical explanation. He constantly had his hands on his phone, and he would break dates. He would say he felt sick a lot, but he really was cheating.

    Sexually, he wanted lots of attention from other females. He flirted in front of me so much that I had to tell him to stop. He always thought females wanted him. he was reluctant for me to move in with him because he hid so much. Once I moved in, I saw he was receiving many late night calls from women who were married or in relarionships. he also would talk sexually to women on phone games and instead if sleeping, would be on his phone. He even told a friend from the Internet that he would have sex with her if her bf couldn’t do it right. he carried on with a home wrecker who was a cheater, he spoke to her online. he had her sending him pix. I had taken care of him because he had surgery andhe was talking to her. He had a masturbàtion addiction, Everytime I left the room to make him breakfast or to shower or run an errand, he masturbated. I walked in on him several times. I did a google username search and found out he was on dating websites claiming to be single. I also discovered he was buying really expensive women’s clothes. High heels and everything like shoes that costed $700. He is a cross dresser. He lied and said he didn’t do it anymore, but his eBay account said a recent date and I found 6 trash bags if women’s clothes. he hid them in his car at times. He lost his job and I was working and he was dressing up in them when I was gone. He began picking fights with me and disappearing and coming back the next morning. I believe he was cheating. he became abusive because I knew too much and would refuse to accept his behavior. Ended up pregnant and he made it hell. He abused me and has the nerve to say I made him angry and I was putting our baby in danger. he used to say sorry for abusinf me and buy me flowers, but that all stopped and he would pretend he did nothing. I even filed a domestic case against him while pregnant with a restraining order. He violated the order and pretended he would change so I would not testify. I was stupid and thought he would change. We got back together and I had our baby. if was fine the first 2 weeks with the baby, I was recovering from c section and he began calling me lazy. I was the one up the most with the baby and he slept, stayed for free at my dads house, jobless. he said I didn’t do things right, began saying I was crazy and needed my meds. We are broken up now and in a custody battle in court. He does nothing for his child and is on disability. He only spends money on himself and hangs out. He has been telling his family I’m crazy and abusive, that I needed counseling. I actually was the one to tell him counseling would be the only thing to get me to be with him and he mirrored me and told me and others that I had a her probs. this man has issues at work where he was fired for walking off of job whenever if he was angry, yelling at co workers and boss, cursing out boss and lying about being disabled. He’s being investigated and he won’t get a settlement. He’s been riding disability money and the gravy train is about to turn over. I’m glad to be done with him. He’s a freak! I am heartbroken though, I still love him. it’s funny, he put up a dating site when he was trying to work things out with me. He treats me like I’m nothing and only gives attention if I ignore him or move on. I’ve since exposed and humiliated him to his friends and family, he is in hiding.

  22. Chris says:

    Wow. I met my soon to be ex husband on pof. He lived an hour away from me. Im a christian and i went on two date with him. After that he had asked me to be his friend on facebook. Within a hour he text me red flag!! And says to look on my page. He had said we are dating without even asking me out. I confronted him about it and his response was im not in high school. I thought it was weird but silly. I told him about my past and he tried to give the the world. After we became sexual active which was stupid he told me he was married to me. Our kids met one weekend and On my way home he told me through a text that we could no longer be together that his son was not ok with sharing him. I laughed and said really. Then he called me and said I feel we need more time and i was scared I didnt mean it. He would bring up his past lovers and I would tell him i dont care about his past. We got married six months latter. I was stupid i tried to talk my self out of it but he was very convincing. Once we got married i moved to his town left my job and the hell began. His son and daughter could do no wrong, he would flirt with their mom and told me i was selfish to ask him to take me on a date. I had to pay for my own birthday gifts, and my kids too. He never once treated my kids like his own. When i met him i fell for the way he treated his kids. He allowed his kids to not lift a finger, talk down to me and my boys. He told me i was a bad lover thing I dont even want to repeat. He put my parents down, me down to his friends, the list goes on.. Right before our 2 yr ann I noticed he was acting strange. Coming home late, talking about going to the gym and how I never let him have his time. He told me we could not do anything for our anniversary because we didnt have any money. Then turns around and spend 300 dollars for his son to go to a church camp trip. At that moment something snapped in me. I gave him a piece of my mind and packed my shit and walked out the door. He now tells everyone I abused his kids and him. That he was so miserable and lonely and has never felt like that in his whole life. There comes a time when you decide to love your self agin. You thought you where going crazy because they had you believing. Its sick that you could find yourself crying hoping that maybe they will want you agin. He abandoned me, discarded me as if I was nothing.. Now hes off doing it to someone new. Lord how I pray that she never feels like i did. God is great and I know he will get me through this. My life is going to slowly heal and this time if I ever decide to date im gonna take things as slow as possible.

  23. Griselda Sierra says:

    My husband and I got married not even a year ago and now we are getting a divorce. We have been together 8 years and have two kids together. About 3 months ago I left him because he was having an affair. The affair started with him having his narcissistic home wrecker mistress coming to our home to give him “tattoos” they would stay up late while me and the kids slept in our bedroom. He threw me off guard because I never thought he would cheat on me let alone with a type of woman he despised. When I found out he went crazy on me and treated me like crap. Everyone that knew us including his family was shocked when they found out and could not understand what had happened and how he was acting. At first we blamed it on his pain pill addiction. I thank The Lord he got me out. In May 2013 I gave my heart to The Lord and I am so grateful and amazed at how much he has helped and prepared me through this. If it wasn’t for him I’d probably be depressed and be suicidal. To Jesus I am Worthy and he loves me and knowing this is healing to me. He knew how much I was suffering and rescued me. My ex was very good at deceiving me and others. He made me feel so special and made me feel like he truly loved me, he had me so fooled until I started to have dreams of his secret life. He was expert at hiding things from me and very convincing. He’s explanations for things i confronted him about were so believable so I always gave in. I thought I was happy but since I am a very sweet person and caring I hated when he would talk bad about everyone around him. He would neglect me sexually for weeks and say it was because he was stressed. Deep down I knew he watched porn and masterbated instead of having sex with me. When he did want sex he would turn into a freak and in a manipulative way tried to get me to do really dirty things, things I didn’t agree with. He would say I was selfish and didn’t love him because I didn’t want to do those things. He would and continues to lie and twist the truth or blame everything on me. He hated when I cried in front of him and would flip out if anyone interrupted him but it was ok for him to interrupt others. I couldn’t be myself around him because I feared what he would say. I could only tell him how I felt through writing because if I talked to him about things it was a no win situation. He would make me feel guilty, and confuse me to where I second guessed my self. Separating was very painful because I didn’t understand how someone could be so cruel and evil and have no remorse. I could not understand how someone could go from one extreme to another from one day to another. I had no closure. So I researched and researched and recently found out about this NPD. I feel so hated by him but I feel sorry and sad for that soul that is trapped in that body with that Demon Jezebel. I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel God is blessing me and Me and my kids are getting our life’s back together. It’s a new beginning!:) My heart breaks for all of you who are going through this. If you haven’t left them please LEAVE, though its a painful road it gets better. There is HOPE in front of you. Take this as a mistake learn from it and share what NPD is in Facebook so people will be aware and and warned before they fall in the narcissist trap. God help y’all heal and bless y’all abundantly.:)

    • cheryle says:

      Griselda, just wanted to thank you for all of the encouragement, and also ~
      God got me out of the abuse, too! I had a break down one night,
      there’s just no way to explain how much I wanted to get away, and how afraid I’d become ~ and I got down on my knees and cried and talked to Him outloud ~ yes, for hours, sometimes just saying “please, please, save me,” over and over. I asked Him to save me from what was going on in that person’s home, and prayed all night long, in to the morning, that He would “get me out”.
      Well, that morning – it was my birthday – he was awake and I was still praying to God. He grabbed a few things, and said, “Now you can sleep all by yourself,” something like that. I said, “…..it’s my birthday,” and he said, “You don’t love me anymore, do you?!” I said, “No,” and he left his own home. I did love him – but he never cared about that, he just knew that when I said I didn’t love him – he couldn’t get that supply any longer – so I was worthless.
      It was all so much to bear. I wanted out.
      I was not mentally or physically ready to drive back across the country yet, and I stayed right there for two months, – alone – until my best friend flew out to drive back home with me.
      God heard and answered my prayer!
      He is “a very present help in trouble.”
      c

  24. Rvngeangel75 says:

    I was tricked by a Narc & I’m from a rough abusive background this sick personality was one that took every fiber and molecule of me and was destroying it like a cancer these people are the most unrealistic individuals to breathe atmosphere. Now, after several suicide attempts and breakdowns and feeling inferior to the so called beautiful women who were deemed ultimate and superior to me, I of course almost losing everything including money projects I was working on . FYI never tell a narc anything you consider sacred secret or a special dream or project, these nuts think they are it and will sabotage you. So I through therapy and integrating my physical abuse knowledge from the past which is tangible with this form of psychological abuse and spiritual war and mind warfare they wage, and became supercharged, and said bring it on!!! Nothing like fighting a narc, although I don’t condone and do not wish this amount of suffering on my worse enemy cuz they ain’t strong enough . Neither is a narc. Also my roots as who I am and what I can do help me immensely as a narc is proud and ego infused with there slob choices and sexual slobbery. I’m proud of surviving this freakishly ridiculous personality and proud of my super power of exposing a narc.. And ability to fight him, and his slob piggish way of acting towards human beings, treat em the same way he is filth and scum. Or this narc will take all your things money and life with a smile and parade his winnings with more stupid underlings.

    • cheryle says:

      I felt there was no adequate way to describe them – but you’ve done a
      really great job!!!

      I didn’t have your kind of strength to fight him.
      But I do remember the inner voice that said,
      “Run, run, RUN!”

      We should never doubt our inner voice.
      c

  25. Christina says:

    I’ve been with a NARC for about 4 years now. Although there are aspects of the relationship that hurt me, confuse me. I see the description and the torture and pain inflicted on most of you and it has not been like that for me.

    I have a big degree of empathy for him because he just like a drug addict does not see that he has a problem. He’s wired the wrong way.

    I like most women started as a conquest. He even pushed me away in the beginning when he got the feeling that I wanted something more than casual sex. In the course of this relationship I can say we have build a solid friendship. I know that he would step out on a limb for me. He has.. Yes sometimes the friendship revolves around him. But, hey we all have friends that are not NARC and make everything about them.

    I have been in his life long enough. To see the lazy susie of women that he has dated, and with the speed that they drop off the radar as they appear. For him there is no emotional connection a hunger of sorts as I see it. Just as described they are predators that go out for prey.

    We do lots of things together, travel, exercise, holidays. I know that he genuinely enjoy us. He separates it of sorts.

    He talks to me pretty much about everything. Not about feelings of course but, of how he thinks and for him when having sex there is no place for emotion. I try to explain to him lust only gets you so far but, what ties you are the emotional connections. He tries to understand but, simply can not. He is very loving towards me (mimicked behavior or not) He has always been a gentleman. Has he caused me pain–Yes, many times but, not intentional. Has he lied –Yes. But, has he told me the truth—Yes, many times as well even if the truth is ugly.

    I love him in so many ways because he has opened my mind to the unconventional. He pushes me to be better and motivates me. Does he fill my emotional needs-Absolutely Not. I feel lonely at times. He tells me he loves me but, its a rarity sort of like a reassurance. He shows me by his actions, by are shared memories and he has opened himself to the ugly parts of him that no one has the courage to show anyone.

    Our sex lately has been mediocre and we actually can sit and talk about it. Yes, I sometimes have to separate myself and see it as just talk -True talk. Talk that we all women want to hear our husbands speak but, they hold back to not hurt our feelings and yes sometimes things are better left unspoken.

    In my case we talk it out. If I have been emotional or discuss how I feel. He looses that sexual hunger for me. Is this disfunctional –YES,
    Does he know that he has a problem–NO. Is he open to me saying that he has a problem–NO. Do I think people can be rewired–NO. People rarely change.

  26. Shara says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend a little over a yr now & he has a lot of narcissist traits. He can’t seem to understand that his words or actions hurt me sometime, that a person can only give so much & grow tired if giving if they never receive any thing back & yes he is always about his self.. but I refuse to believe that just giving up on him & walking away is the only thing to do, its that what maybe him this way in the first place, one or both of the people who are pose to be there & love him unconditionally just gave up & didnt show him love, & honesty how can someone possible know how to give or feel something they’ve never experience before & im sorry I also find it hard to believe that someone narcissism or not is incapable of at least seeing two people in love & seeing how happy & safe & content they are & not long to have or feel that for them selves. You people talk as though some one with narcissism are aliens or monsters that are not humans & don’t have human need . They need to eat they need water air sunlight blood to make there hearts pump every thing else in this words need to have some kind of love why cant they, & I don’t mean to disrespect anybody but maybe you just we not the right ones to show them, I just refuse to give up on the man I love & walk away thinking he will never know what love is & I love him & if hes really not capable of loving then ill spend my life without it too put I will never just give up on him & walk away like everybody else in his life has…

    • cheryle says:

      They do not feel love or long to have it.
      They do not care if their words or actions hurt – because they do not have EMPATHY.
      You can give and give and give – and they will take that “supply” ~ they cannot receive love.
      They lie – pathologically – they LIE, and you will not be able to change him into a loving, honest human being.
      They don’t want to change.
      They are entitled, and always right, and never sorry for any harm or destruction they cause.
      They project who they are onto those that try to love them.
      They are never to blame.
      They are never content – they are in a never ending cycle of a predator, hunting for prey, obtaining it, idolizing it, devaluing it and discarding it – when it’s of no use to them.
      Live with one long enough and you may feel like the alien and monster,
      and they will be with another who felt like you feel now.
      They have some human needs – love is not one of them.
      They must have admiration, but one person’s devotion is not enough ~ they need a large audience; many admirers.
      You believe you can be a role model for him and teach basic respect and decency to a grown man?
      You will not be loved and respected by a narcissist.
      It really makes no difference to him if you give up on him or not ~ there is always fresh supply, and finding it is one of his primary goals in life.
      They breath, bleed, and have a heart, brain, etc., but their TRUE self has been lost to them, and the false self is who they project to the world.

      Kind words and right actions are important for good mental health.
      When their words become cruel and their actions deplorable, it’s harder to keep loving them. You may begin to see your self differently, too.

      The deception is that it seems they build you up – it feels that way for a time –
      but destruction is inevitable.
      Any good relationship is built on a foundation of trust.
      They are not trustworthy.

  27. Nicholas Hugh says:

    I and my lovely wife have been having a lot of problem living together, she will always not make me happy because she have fallen back in love with her ex outside our marriage, i tried my best to make sure that she let go of her ex this woman but the more i talk the more she makes me feel sad, so my marriage is now leading to divorce because she no longer gives me attention,she lies a lot,she comes home late at night.So with all this pain and agony, i decided to contact this spell caster to see if things can work out between me and my wife again. The spell caster told me what i will do to get my wife back, so he told me that he was going to make all things normal back.he did the spell on my wife and after 3 days my Wife changed completely she even apologize with the way she treated me that she was not her self, i really thank this priest for helping me his name is Priest Ajigar he have bring my wife back and she no longer see her ex boyfriend again i want you all to contact him who are having any problem related to marriage issue and relationship problem he will solve it for you his spells are pure and he does not do black or dark magic. his emai:priestajigarspells@live.com

  28. Emily says:

    I was surprised that I did not see the word “entitled” in this post. I believe my ex to be a narcissist, and my main complaint of him sexually was that he felt entitled to my body. After being broken up from him for a couple years now and realizing his patterns of narcissism, I thought that his sexual entitlement was a part of that.

  29. allyson says:

    I know, from being married to a man who has NPD, that they certainly only care about their needs being met. he used to tell me that i “wasn’t showing him enough love”, or I wasn’t showing him enough passion”. Really now, he had the nerve to , not only ever listen to anything i had to say, or care about anything that mattered to me, but I lacked passion for him! Maybe I did, i finally figured out…it was all about him, what he wanted and that was it. I did fall out of love with him. It made it so much easier for me to leave him. I knew, he wasn’t going to get any better, nor could anything I have done caused him to treat me like he did. yet..i was always the one blamed, like his relationships before, they were also to blame. i had realized, he had some very serious issues, long before I left him..just didn’t know what it was.I do now. I am thankful for finally seeing him in his true light.Although, he never wanted to be exposed for who he really was…is.that is their greatest fear, that and abandonment. Maybe they know, with abandonment, comes the truth. that is why he spread so many terrible lies on me, he had to keep his false self looking good to the world. thing was, my family had long figured out…he wont about shit! They laughed at him behind his back, for thinking he was something he wasn’t. “family man”, that’s what he called himself…wouldn’t work in a pie factory, nor pay bills…we went without food many many times. All because of ‘family man”, being that wonderful man…he thought he had fooled the world with! Turns out, he got fooled in the end! i let him know, i wasn’t going to allow myself to continue to be his victim, his cheerleader. he had never gave me any reasons why he would be responsible, stop hitting me, or work…support his family. So, in the end…he exploded into a rage, that continued to February this year, 14 years later.My son called me, not long ago, his dad..in the background, started screaming horrible things to me, telling me that “I need Jesus!” that same horrible, evil man..died with cancer, right after that. He kept his rage, yet he blamed me for it…til his very last breath! He took that with him, yet…he told me that i needed Jesus in my life. Someone with so much rage and deep hatred, they are the last people who need to preach to someone! he had even been so evil to the Hospice nurse, she left..came back only to make sure he was dying comfortley! That’s taking it with you to the grave folks! So glad that i woke up, many years ago…and got the hell out of hell!

    • kymykat says:

      I’m glad you got out of HELL TOO!!!!!! sounds like you endured a lot. it is sad how they never get it right. but they don’t and can’t know love -ever!!! iT NEVER WAS BE;CAUSE OF HIM BEING WITH YOU. YOU WERE JUST THE LUCKY ONE TO GET MIXED UP WITH HIM. KNOW THAT! it would have been someone…… trust me.
      hope you are doing great now? you deserve it!!

  30. TrueReligion says:

    You are using his and he like men are the narcissist. Lots of women aren’t understanding of people especially men who make different lifestyle decisions. Your inability to understand other people’s point’s of view means you lack empathy. You support your way of life and dread changes and improvements that could make it better for “BOTH” sexes.

    • Carmela says:

      TrueRelgion LOL Do you mean sexuality? It’s not about that i’ts about having zero empathy. Having feelings for other people would make it better for all humankind and animals for that matter. We are talking about people who purposefully make the men or women that they are with as doomed to fail , inferior and charm them like a spider even if they are not that attractive. They get insulted not angry…as if all is about them even if the person they are with is struggling and workingn.I am thinking that perhaps some cultures foster this as really clever technique training to find the right “DUPE” woman who is sexy, kind and a good listener and they love outsmarting them. It’s probably worse now that we might not know who we are dating and all their history and Narcs pick women like me, someone who is a good judge of character but they just pull it off.

  31. Donna says:

    Been in almost 3 year relationship with a make narcissist. He has told me forever that his ex was narci. Insisted i should read about it. I never took it seriously Cuz I Thot why do I care what his ex does or is..? He is a physical therapist a myofascial release specialist. Most of his are women and they LOVE him. He had NO empathy for anything going on in my life, which really isn’t much anymore cuz his stuff takes up ALL my time . I think he even invents shit for me to do. Just so I’m wAiting on him for everything. He Does NO household chores unless. We get into a major fight. Last night was a big one. He said he hated me and that I was a mental case. This was after church! About one year ago he hired a nice looking skinny married women who adores him and his treatments. He even told me that she really keeps him from touching her all over Cuz she is a GOOD woman. My friend told me this woman is GIDDY after her massage. Any way he had let her book a trip to Orlando. Which is OUR favorite destination. We have been there 8 times in the past two years . Said she was going to a billing seminar for the cost of 3k. She is a part time employee. Works 2 days a week. That I know of …. He has filed for bankruptcy 6 times and is in contempt of court for not paying spousal support. He pays child support. But nothing for the ex. However he will buy groceries for them pay utilities etc. He spent over 5k on Black Friday online . Gives me NO money I do what I can buying groceries for us .. Says he is faithful to me. But. Viagra comes up missing all the time .. I count them. We barely ever have sex. Just oral sex that’s it. Spends tons of money on me and his kids. And I mean tons. A normal weekend. Is around 1-2K buying retail anything. Buys guns all the times. Explains to me graphically how he wants to kill his ex. Pretty scary stuff. I love him dearly. But I’m gonna have to leave him :((

  32. Already Gone says:

    I was involved with a guy a few years ago that seems to fit into all the descriptions of a N. I haven’t been involved with him for 2 1/2 years and glad that I’ve been able to extricate myself. This article helps unravel one of the great mysteries for me. While he and I had what was supposedly for both of us spectacular sex and intimate time together he could only take it for once or twice a month, then disappear. Id hear from him a few weeks later and eventually we’d see each other again, which wasn’t so bad for me cuz i lived in a separate city. In time it became longer and longer time between the phone contact and the intimate rendezvous. I realized something was wrong with this despite our chemistry and broke it off. He still contacts me in hopes of rekindling things but I’m always a no go. Glad to be 2 1/2 year out from that point of no return.

  33. old dummy says:

    Do not feel bad. I have been with a narcissist for almost 14 years but we do not live together. He gets insulted angry and tends to put me down. we have split up endless times. In the beginning he would say ” I will be devastated if you leave me” Later he proposed and took it back because I asked him for a favor, if he would run an emergency errand to a radio shack. It freaked him out.
    I really liked him and he was charming but not that attractive short and fit sort of but not in the way we think as ideal but he brags about his exercise routine ad nauseum and wants everybody to be like him.. Our children were grown but it is all about what he wants. no couple friends only do activities that interest him and seems resentment when my friend visit. He was lucky I like to do many things but then he would only like to do them AT HIS TIME TABLE.

    Since i have no relatives I guess that’s perfect and he does and I am nice the perfect narcisstic supply.. Plus a horrible thing happened in my marriage and I finally started dating him, really horrible.. He seemed fine with it – it was not me but I think he thought perfect target, only an elderly mum and children heading to college. PERFECT! Control freak, has basically only said negative things to me never anything like you like nice anymore or complimenting me on skills like he did in the beginning. He feels and is correct that it is better to break people down. When someone says you have beautiful skiin to me he says, oh yes i have to admit she does have beautful skin, meaning that he thinks I am not that great but neither is he but that’s not my deal. People say you go out with that really old guy, he is only 1 year older than me but he aged very badly. I am not someone that would leave a person for that. I knew him at a different time so accept him but he thinks it’s fine for him.

    He does pay for dinners to make him look good to my friends. Fortunately he did not have time to damage my children as they were well on their way even though they suffered trauma from their father we had a stable family situation due to me doing what I could, changing jobs etc. They had a normal family environment with not mixed signals. he never really cared what his children were good at or wanted.

    The worst thing he did I cannot say. Usually it is all about control. He is not an extreme narcissist but he lacks empathy, never thinks of other people like I am going to the store that you want to go to and you are swamped at work, can I pick something up? These types of things do not occur to him He has money so he plans things but he requires that one do all on his terms. This has been a very long term relationship. However if I could tell someone what happened recently and how I have retreated to my home job, it would be shocking to anyone! My own children think I need to find another person or go away since no one understands his crazy anger or hostility in my family but his family knows to shut up to stay in the will I guess. He made so many promises to me to get back with me but he never told me I had to do all that he said, follow all his recommendations.

    Anything can anger him like me drinking the first cup of tea or coffee and he doesn’t get the strongest portion then he will add water to make mine weaker because he thinks he deserves the best This is a new behavior. He has to feel important, special and he was a smart man. He picks male friends that are not as smart as he is in order to feel more important. Now he is old and retired and rather than feelling better about himself he blames me for all sorts of things. He promises to do things but unless I remind him to assist me, he does not do it.
    He is not an extreme case but he has screwed up my mind in that I feel horrible about myself and constantly criticized for minor things. It is horrible because it has lasted a long long time and he has isolated me except with his family that know the rules about how to handle him and get what they need from him. They are great people just walking on egg shells. I think his own father per his mother was a narcissist so that is the story. Boring nothing too exciting except he has broken up with me many times and so have I but fewer times .I am all alone. My friends have moved retired and I am luckily in my own place. Plus I have no rights in this long term relationshp. Promises but nothing in writing. It is not normal for any man. His wife left him for another man and it’s understandable to me that she wanted a caring man that really loved her. He will never forget that. He traveled a lot to avoid child rearing…He loves his children but I would not say he would do anything for them. He is complicated and I would say 45% narcissitic at least.
    Perhaps my own father had some of these rage tendencies but he was not a grudge holder for silly things and would laugh them off. I guess that is what confused me. My father was a great man who had a horrible family life so it’s more understandable than a pampered genius.

    DO NOT WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE ON A MAN OR WOMAN WHO HAS NO EMPATHY I notice lately he feels sorrier for dogs than people though he does not have a dog. If he watches the news and it’s not about “his tribe” he thinks OMG how do these people survive.

    This being said, being a quasi-narc he does have good traits that are better than some which explains the fact that both his ex and i had spend many wasted years with him When she divorced hiim he sandwiched the children in the middle, got insulted though they were young and thought it was all about him…they even say that their mother put up with him for a long long time. he is able to stride it but unfortunately if you do one thing that he sees has ruined something simple things…well all I can say that many of my friends think it is very unhealty. right not it’s OVER again for the smallest thing….

  34. lucy says:

    I recently contacted a doctor named Ekaka i find his email: ekakaspelltemple @yahoo.com on the internet so i decided to contact him for help in my relationship he ask me to send him my details which i did after that he told me that the gods revealed something to him and he told me everything that was revealed to him and he told me what he was going to do that after three days my relationship became sweet again and the person that was behind my problem came to beg me for forgiveness which was my mother in-law. i and my love are happy again including my mother in-law and we are planning to have a party for this Easter… thanks to Dr. Ekaka

  35. Patty says:

    I got involved with someone I suspect has NPD after my marriage ended.
    I can’t even reach out to say Happy Birthday (after not seeing him for 4 years)without him starting to send me pictures of other women, he is seeing, trying to get me back emotionally involved with him. I tried early February after having no contact for 8 months. Immediately, I told him I am no longer interested in you, I just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday – and then the pictures, etc … horribly damaged people. They play on your emotions like a fiddle .. if you are compassionate they use that against you. Very odd.

  36. Kim says:

    This should have clued me in but i was unaware at the time of who my prince charlming really was. Sexually sadly it was all about him and his dick. I made comment in favor of his dick being a good size and working well and that was it. He was everywhere with his dick after that. He sent me a few nice dick pics recently but he messed up. I hit reply all and other peoples email addresses came up too. I wasnt the only one getting a up close look at his happy and firm manhood. I of course asked him why and he completely denied it. I didnt think he wpukd tell truth.

  37. Kim says:

    Porn and the use of meth go hand n hand many times.meth abusers have many sexual experiences with anyone willing. No morpals what so everl. I dont ever hear about meth use with these guys/gals.

  38. William says:

    I’m a narcissist, an atypical type. There are two mains types, covert/vulnerable and overt/grandiose. Of the overt type there are two subtypes, cerebral and somatic. With me, I was originally covert, then I become overt and switched between somatic and cerebral sources *depending on the circumstances. (Yeah, what a hot mess…) Then both cerebral and somatic sources of narcissistic supply eventually failed me and I am now a broken down middle-aged narcissist with no source of supply, and I am in despair. I am looking back on the train-wreck otherwise known as my life, and looking at things from my partners’ perspectives for the first time. I am no longer their victim, but they are mine.

    I’m not bragging here – I am actually kind of grateful that I am even TRYING to look at things from the perspective of others. Is this TRUE empathy? I don’t know – I can’t say. But I really (really really really) don’t want to be a person who just makes people feel crappy, used, sad, neglected, abused or abandoned.

    I know my ex-wife won’t come back. She’s smart – she knows that despite me trying very hard to change and be a good dad and better person, I have not changed. I still am who I am… I am what I am – right down to the very core. But, when she says that I am a good dad to our kids (well, much better dad) I don’t feel happy or proud. I just feel terribly sad. Like devastated sad. I think I know why: when I was a kid certain emotional needs were just not met. Plain and simple. And where I should have learned that people CAN meet my emotional needs, and be trusted, and “win win” relationships could be established, I learned that the world was soul-less, cruel, arbitrary, callous and unfeeling, so I became this way myself. I did this because I thought I needed to – just to survive. This happened when I was just a kid… I was not malicious or evil, my mind just came up with this defense mechanism. So, when I think of myself as the victim of a soul-less, cruel, arbitrary, callous and unfeeling world, I am simply projecting onto others what I myself have become. Sure, the odd person *IS* terrible (like other narcissists maybe!) but most people are not. To this day I have a hard time believing this.

    For those who will never get a sincere apologize from their ‘n’, I am really sorry, and I hope you can get out and get help. You are a codependent (probably) but there is hope for you. You see, you are hurting but there is a silver lining there – the point is you can FEEL. Your ‘n’ cannot feel anything but remorse, guilt, shame, sadness and mostly self pity.

    You’re dealing with a perpetually hurt zombie, except instead of brains he is seeking “supply” in the form of false validation that he extracts from his unknowing victims.

    And with zombies, the only thing that will work is getting away.
    So just get away. And find people who are capable of love.

  39. Shoshannah says:

    Horrible things to read, but unfortunately so true.

    I have been seeing a narcissist for the past year. He wanted to be with me (I guess), but we haven’t got to that stage yet. Happily, I saw through his games before that and decided to end things. So we were only dating, we had sex a few times.

    Mind-games he played are just impossible to describe. He proposed to me, then it turned he is seeing someone else (and he forgot to tell me), he insisted that he didn’t really propose, he told me that his proposal was a theoretical conversation about his idea of a relationship! He used to talk to me about sex with this other girl, how amazing it is and what a beautiful young body she has. He was doing everything exactly the way I didn’t want him to (e.g. shaving, when I told him I like beard, wearing clothes that I told him I don’t like). He was looking for a BF for me, so that I don’t think he wants to be with me. He even lied about having more girls than he actually had (to either make me jelaous or not show his interest in me, I don’t know). He used to withdraw (really withdraw – no contact suddenly) with no explanation and then he’d come back after some time. No contact was his response to everything (every fight, every complaint, any problem that may appear). He couldn’t understand that I feel upset about his behavior and treated my emotions as irrational and offensive against him.

    It’s a month now since I broke up with him. He refused to see me (after one of our fights), so I broke up with him via email, but in a very elegant and nice way. It was the nicest email I have ever written. Of course, no reply (which I find very rude) and he is doing weird things after the break-up (like bothering my co-workers).

    Of course, I feel damaged. But I’m healing. And I am really grateful that I saw through him before we really got into a relationship, as I can imagine that I would be in a much worse state.

  40. Matt says:

    My father is a narcissist. I have just become enlightened after the last ten years of being made to feel second rate and emotionally disconnected from his needs. This is a real relief and the beginning of a new journey in life. Scary to think about but awesome at the same time!!

  41. MacAlban says:

    Wow. This article explained my biological dad in one spot. He fits the bill for mostly the first kind of narcissist entirely and then with some of the points from the second kind of narcissist too. He is truly a very “special” man. ><

    I am so glad to have found this article. It finally gave me the "why" to my biological dad raping me and sexually assaulting me in addition. It also gave me the answer to how would he have been able to do that. I guess not feeling anything but power and thumbing your nose at God and society when one is raping a 14 year old boy is a powerful high for some people. What a sicko.

    Thank you for helping me get to the bottom of the "why" and "how" that I have been searching for for many years.

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