Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist: Sex and the Narcissist

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The sexual attitudes of narcissists are most peculiar- they tend to be either hyperactive sexually or hypoactive sexually. Generally, there are two types of narcissists: the somatic narcissist (hyperactive sexually) and the cerebral narcissist (hypoactive sexually).

The somatic narcissist gains his ‘narcissistic supply’ from other people’s reactions to his body via sexual conquests, bodybuilding, athletic abilities, competence in outdoor activities, or sometimes simply preening. Cerebral narcissists, on the other hand, flaunt their intelligence and knowledge to obtain attention and admiration.

General Characteristics

Narcissists are generally exhibitionists and sex is just another tool in their toolbox for getting attention and adulation. Narcissists commit adultery and have extramarital affairs or liaisons for a variety of reasons including control, power, attention, increasing self-image and because narcissists get bored easily.

Intimacy does not exist. Narcissists are unable to empathize or genuinely love another person. They are master manipulators and know how to fake intimacy; but when their partner no longer meets their “fix” for narcissistic supply, they will drop them and abandon them with no remorse. Partners frequently feel used, even before being abandoned. The narcissist does not fulfill other people’s needs.

Narcissists feel superior and more important than others; they feel entitled to be above the law and entitled to engage in behaviors that are considered socially undesirable or unacceptable. They reject and intensely resent all limitations or conditions placed upon them by their partners. They freely act on their impulses and desires and do not care about social conventions. They love being photographed and talked about. They also like showing that they can break moral and sexual taboos (example: women singers kissing each other on TV shows). , They have very shallow personalities and live for attention and admiration… many are serial lovers, have serial marriages or have countless empty affairs.

Marriage, monogamy, and child rearing are common activities sought after by the average person. However, the narcissist feels robbed of his uniqueness by these common pursuits and feels forced into the roles of husband or father. This narcissistic injury leads him to rebel and reassert his superiority and specialness by engaging in extramarital affairs.

There are many narcissists who are charming and seductive, graced with a worldly manner, yet who cannot not keep his or her hands off other women or men. Men and women with narcissism seek sexual gratification as a way of getting attention and narcissistic supply – they may say they are addicted to sex, but it is the attention and control they crave.

Narcissists are control freaks. Seducing someone into having sex is a form of control. The more difficult the target is, the more power and control they feel.

Most adults can brush off the behaviors of a narcissist, but children are more vulnerable. A narcissist who commits sexual abuse on a child feels powerful because they feel they can control the victim while thumbing their nose at society and its laws.

Narcissists are absolutely misogynists. They hold women in contempt; they both loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them by sexually humiliating them or by withholding sex from them. They have ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act. Generally, it is a means to an end and the act itself is meaningless, and provides no emotional connections.

The Somatic Narcissist

The somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests; his sex partners are considered by him to be mere objects – sources of narcissistic supply. It is through seduction and sexual conquest that the narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic “fix”. He uses sex to conquer and secure new sources of narcissistic supply. For the narcissist, sex is a mechanical act, devoid of intimacy and commitment. He rarely gets emotionally-involved with his “targets” as he will need to move on to get new sources of narcissistic supply. He then indiscriminately engages in sex with multiple partners.
He will explain that his other sexual partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he is merely taking advantage of them. He insists they do not constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his spouse. In his mind, there is a clear distinction between the “woman of his life” (a saint) and the whores that he is having sex with. With the exception of the meaningful women in his life (all saints), he tends to view all other females in a negative light.

The Cerebral Narcissist

There is another very different type of narcissist. The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is demeaning and degrading. He feels that acting on one’s sex drive is a primitive and common impulse. The cerebral narcissist tells himself that he is above all that, endowed as he is with superior intellect and superior self-control. The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and prefers masturbation or emotionless sex (such as going to prostitutes).

Surprisingly, he also has bouts of sexual hyperactivity in which he frequently changes sexual partners and regards them simply as objects. However, the hyper-sexuality appears mainly after significant narcissistic crises. A painful divorce or financial turmoil, and the cerebral narcissist quickly concludes that the “old solutions” (intellectual) no longer work.

Sex is convenient and a fantastic source of narcissistic supply: it is immediate, partners are interchangeable, it is comprehensive (it includes all the aspects of the narcissist’s being), as well as being highly charged, adventurous, and pleasurable. After a life crisis, the cerebral narcissist is likely to be highly involved in sexual activities – excessively and almost to the exclusion of everything else.

As the memories of the crisis fades, he abruptly loses interest in sex and in all his partners. The frequency of his sexual activities declines from several times a day to a few times a year. He reverts to intellectual pursuits, sports, politics, voluntary activities – anything but sex. Sex becomes an obligation, a maintenance chore reluctantly undertaken only to preserve his sources of supply (like family or household).

The cerebral narcissist then minimizes all types of intercourse with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, and friends) whether it is sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself to the minimum of exchanges and isolates himself socially. Eventually, he really is left alone by everyone, with no secondary sources of supply.

He begins a quest to find new sources and he again embarks on ego-mending bouts of sex, ending with the selection of a mate. Then the cycle starts all over again: a sharp decline in sexual activity, then emotional detachment leading to abandonment.

Sex, for both types of narcissists, is a tool used simply to increase the number of sources of narcissistic supply. If it is their most effective tool in their toolbox, they make excessive use of it. If the narcissists cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, or attention by any other means (e.g., intellectually) –they resort to sex.

Sexual Abuse by Narcissists

Narcissists have a strong tendency to sexually abuse a partner. Their partners own sexual preferences will be ignored, banned or twisted. Here are some common abusive behaviors:

  • They will prohibit their partners from masturbating under the threat of punishment.
  • If their partner does masturbate, they will ask to watch and say it is only so they can ‘learn to please” their partner.
  • They will insist that their mate watch porn although the mate doesn’t usually do that.
  • Sexual gratification is only to reassure the narcissists that they are good lovers.
  • The narcissist pretends that sex is for the partner but is after her/his gratification only.
  • Their partner’s sexual past will be torn apart or thrown in their face during, or after, the relationship.
  • The narcissist revels in telling their partner all about their sexual past and that he or she will never measure up to their other lovers.
  • The narcissist may freeze their partner out of sex altogether while calling them a nymphomaniac.
  • The narcissist instigates sex (like telling erotic things and sending pictures or emails which are sexual) but then decides at the last minute that nothing is to take place or they have changed their minds.
  • The partner feels humiliated and yet the narcissist claims that (s)he has been humiliated.
  • The narcissist does not care if their mate gets hurt physically and/or emotionally and may even enjoy it when their mate gets hurt.
  • The narcissist instigates and turns everything into a sexual game.
  • The narcissist says their partners are having sexual relations with others, although it is the narcissist that has a strong tendency to flirt with others and to be unfaithful.
  • The narcissist makes fun of their partner’s sexuality or body in front of others.
  • The narcissist has to try out everything possible (positions, toys, etc).
  • The narcissist is an exhibitionist and will want sex in public and/or dress inappropriately (tight clothes without a bra or jock strap) and says it was an accident
  • The narcissist will send pictures of their penis or breasts wanting to know how they rate. They will insist their partner send pictures for them to rate.

References:

  1. http://www.zimbio.com/Narcissistic+personality+disorder/articles/41/Sexual+Relationships+Narcissists
  2. http://narcissism101.com/NarcissistsinPrivate/narcissistssexua.html
  3. http://samvak.tripod.com/faq29.html
photo by: FranUlloa

About Alexander Burgemeester

20 Responses to “Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist: Sex and the Narcissist”

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  1. Deanna says:

    I am having the worst time with my 15 year relationship/marriage. I believe we are headed for divorce but his manipulation is making it very hard to figure things. Out. Any help would be appreciated. I live in Northern Nevada.

    • Calendula McBeanblossom says:

      I was married to one for 13 years, plus 4 years dating before that…….I had to get kicked out of the relationship before I started reading all about this phenomenon. How surprised I was to discover that all the reasons I had to feel bad about myself were untrue. The more time had elapsed, the more relieved I was to be out of that hell-hole. No more power struggles, no more him demanding the impossible and me trying to talk sense to a brick wall, then hiding it from friends and family. Eventually, I fell REALLY ill. It was all good when I was catering to him, but when I was convalesing and needed help with food, bathing, etc. He did the minimum, but resented it so deeply, that as soon as I got well enough, -boom- I’m out! Joke’s on him: I am functioning physically emotionally and maritally, with NO contact, and I am grateful! It was a blessing in disguise!

  2. make sure says:

    Having read this I believed it was rather enlightening.
    I appreciate you taking the time and effort to put this information together.
    I once again find myself spending way too much
    time both reading and posting comments. But so what, it was still worth it!

  3. Sarah says:

    I have just come out of a 3 year relationship with a narcissists. Reading this really helps me as I thought I was going crazy
    My narcissist ex has dumped me 5 times over our 3 year period then our relationship takes this pattern
    He tells me he can’t live without me. I fall for it, he buys me gifts, cooks for me, compliments of, makes love to me. This normally last 2 months on average. Then he will start to withdraw, stop making love and start masterbating, leaving me the evidence them telling me I need help as that isn’t what he does. Then tells me this is why he doesn’t want to make love to me. He stops cooking, doesn’t do anything around the house and I become his mum. He constantly tells me about every ex, we go shopping. He will say, oh I used to go out with a girl who lived near that shop. We go down a street, you guessed it he went out with a girl who lived there
    I would ask him to leave as I feel he is breaking me. No, he won’t leave me, I’m his world. Then one day he just gets up, packs his things and walks. I beg, he doesn’t love me. I suffer and drag myself through everyday for him to turn up months later and start again

    I got pregnant as we were approaching the gym don’t want to make love stage. We argued because I wasn’t getting any help and was more like his slave. I ended it with him at least 5 times but he wouldn’t budge. He would change, he needed my help etc. Then one day I started to bleed. On the same day I found out he had been in contact with another women. I wasn’t going to bring it up but he came home from work didn’t even ask about me and our baby. I asked about the other women and the texts. How dare I question him! That was it, he was leaving, knowing I could of been loosing our baby at 16 weeks.

    He packed his things and went. Telling me he lies by accident but it was over. The next day, I found out our baby had died. I telephoned him heart broken and he just said I’m sorry but he wasn’t coming to the hospital. I was induced and spent 2 days in labour with my family at my side as I have birth to our baby.

    I didn’t hear anything from him. I found out last week that he has paid hundreds of pounds for one of these life like women. Well this has a life like torso working bum and front hole. I vomited for two days, felt so degraded.

    Still I pine for him or the guy he is for the first two months. He took all my confidence, made my name black. Had a different version to everything that happened, every time. Made me think I had totally lost the plot.
    Now I just have to take baby steps, every hour as it comes, never mind days
    Xx

    • Dan says:

      You will heal. As you continue to see through the event for what he was, it will hold no power over you. Spend time in healing environments and stay away from immediate relationships, would be my advice. Better times are coming for you.

    • im going though the same shit. man i feel every thing you said its hard to explain to friends and family what your going through.i lived it going on four years now. did all kinds of stuff to me .only thing is im married and trying not to break my vows to her or god now she trying to turn every thing around on me but her history says diffent.they really cant love anyone just want you to know you are not alone, its not your fault !!!you know you got one when they dont show up at the hospital pretty comon.theres a lot of pain in this stuff .

    • ByrdScott says:

      Wow! You need to work every day on loving yourself! Remind yourself contantly that you are enough. If you had your mind right, he could of treated you like this once and maybe twice but never for so long. You will never be able to control anyone’s behavior but your own. I responded because my heart went out to you…I use to be that girl.

    • chynah says:

      Sarah…my husband has done me the same way your husband did you..he lefted me 5 times with in 2 years..every 2 or 3 months he would leave me…them woman dont mean nothing to him…lies on top of lies..i am still going throught it he lefted me a month ago he call me private on the phone and wont say nothing..friends and family dont understand what i am going through…i need helpppppp..all i do is cry.hoping he will get treatment..

  4. Areej says:

    Thank you Alexander for this amazing article. It helps a lot of women and men to understand clearly the cycle of abuse we had to go through. A lot of what you have written I ironically experienced it.

    When I think back to what I was really going through with the extreme narcissist I was in relationship with, I get anger and rage inside of me to let myself to be degraded and sexually abused for over a year.

    My abuser got to a point that I would be literally abandoned by him while I crave for sex and he would watch porn instead leaving me hours feeling humiliated and ashamed. He would talk to other female friends in a sexual manner and wipe it into my face.

    I have been asked to watch his sex video with his ex-wife, wear wigs and even wear his ex-wife night wears.

    I once caught him kissing another woman shirtless in an underground bar while I was with him and told me later on that the woman attacked him and forced him to take off his shirt…

    They come to your life to suck you in to their darkness and leave you helpless, worthless, humiliated with no self-esteem.

  5. Recent Supply Source says:

    Excellent post. Wish I had found this information a few months ago. I have just encountered a medical doctor with this tendency. Your descriptions are very accurate and are very surprising when one first encounters a person like this as a partner. It is one thing to find such people in the workplace but in the bedroom it is a shocker. The observations on them wanting to do things in public (or fantasizing about it), not wearing underwear once they know you, and digging up insignificant things from your past (as a teenager for example) and later throwing them back at you, are spot on and really the opposite to what healthy individuals would do. Suffice it to say there are many red flags for women who meet up with men like this. They also genuinely prefer ‘doing themselves’ to letting you touch them if the one I met is typical and I did notice the control freak aspect does not permit them to have a genuine orgasm with a partner either but rather a more restrained (feigned?) version. I parted ways with this character on the night of a full moon which somehow seemed appropriate. I’m hoping ‘no contact’ will be enforced but understand they can also be vindictive. Websites like yours are helpful in trying to understand, get over it and move on but really it is so disturbing to have an encounter or series of encounters like this it is difficult to shake off. I feel truly sorry for women who find themselves in marriages with such individuals.

  6. Soul4Real says:

    Thank you for this enlighting information on these human vampires….all I can say is watch your children. These pedolphiles don’t know boundries and they will do anything…you have to be careful in choosing your partners. Before I go through that hell again…I’ll be by my damn “Self”!! I thank “God” that I made it and I won’t look back! They are the “Devil” himself….if you know you are with a “N”, run like “Hell”!!!

  7. MHRA says:

    “He, Him, His?” “Narcissists are absolutely misogynists.”? Wow, what a gender biased article. 90% of the narcissists I know are women. So if anything they’d be misandrists. But I really doubt all male narcissists are misogynists. Narcissists may indeed be incapable of truly loving others, but that’s still a long stretch to misogyny. Don’t know where you get your facts, Mr. Burgemeester. Maybe you’ve been hanging around the feminist camps too long?

  8. Kirsty Tyler says:

    When i first realized my ex was a somatic Narcissist it was hard to deal with at first,i think maybe because if someone falls out of love with a person there is closure..but having to accept a narcissist can not feel love,is even more devastating to grasp..that it all had been fake and a lie.

    When i first met him I never knew of the condition,but knew something wasn’t right with how he acted from my previous partners,I met him whilst I was in a relationship with another man,who was kind,caring and affectionate..the thing was i wasnt attract to him anymore and saw him more as a friend,but sadly like most women didnt earn enough to live alone,so stayed more for connivance. When i came across my ex narcissist i told him i was in a relationship,which made him want the chase even more,that was the time he made me believe i was special to him and he really loved me,i was attracted to him not for his looks at first,but for his manliness and confidence and if im honest,because he was a very passionate lover in bed (the best ive experienced even to this day).
    I have a very low opinion of myself and have always been shy and even bullied at school when i was young,due to which have had a number of cosmetic surgeries in the past and still not happy with the way i look.

    After a few weeks of seeing this Narcissist behind my partners back(which i still feel guilty for and believe karma got one back on me) I told my partner i do not love him and have found someone else..it wasnt easy to do and i even cried because i felt guilt and i even cried in font of my narcissistic partner and he showed no comfort or empathy towards me what so ever,which i found strange but thought could have been due to jealousy.

    A few days after when we were officially “together” i noticed he was very self obsessed and very arrogant and even came across fake(which i even told him) he would talk about how good looking he was for his age,how women would leave their partners,husbands to be with him,he told me a string of lies which later i found out were no where near true,such as sleeping with famous women,threesomes,claiming he was a professional boxer even kept a good mate such as the likes of David haye!! loads of other things such as he’d been shot,owned his own house which was in fact was his parents. Time went on and i noticed he would put me down a lot and say he was too good for me..(when he isnt what most people would find attractive and was 10 years older than me),he knocked me confidence even more and i felt unloved and unattractive, But still felt in love with the guy who i met and even the guy that showed he “loves” me when were in bed..so i felt confused.I started (not subconscious) to feed his ego,because i knew thats the only time he wanted me around.
    Two months had gone by and i was shocked to find i was pregnant,one minute he would say keep the baby and the next he would say that i must get rid of it because his family would kick him out his house, at the age of 33 and he would be get chucked out the family inheritance,i felt as though i was having an emotional breakdown. He told me i should come round and meet his parents but not yet to mention the pregnancy..My narcissist ex partner was a Sikh,so i understood as i am English that in their culture they wouldn’t approve and as i cared a lot for him i told him i would have had an abortion so they wouldn’t disown him,but he told me that wasnt an option for him despite his contentious change of mind each day!

    I met his mum,dad and brother and they immediately didnt like me,for what reason i honestly didnt know as i was always polite and tried having conversations with them.His mother i disliked the most because as soon as i met her she was very boastful and showed off her home and she was very materialistic,such as saying ‘my husband buys me this and that and he gives me everything i want..ect,thats all she was interested and was clear, she too was narcissistic.She wasn’t interested in her son (my ex) and even told me he was a failure and they both(his parents) favored the brother over him..it was clear. My ex would ALWAYS defend them no matter what and went against what i thought about them (which i guess most would) He told them three months into the pregnancy that i was pregnant and took a scan photo round,his mum said nothing but his dad and brother were very angry with him and didnt talk to him for months and he stayed with me,i even remember falling out with him because his dad said he doesnt want a mixed race child in the family tree..and his brother kept telling him everyday that he should get me to abort the baby,i used to get very upset to the point i couldn’t eat.

    For the whole 9 months i never saw his family,he still spoke to them but they were cold with him. We split up more times than i can could count as he would always put other priorities before me and make promises and didnt keep them,he would make fun of my looks still,accuse me of the baby not even being his,call me a prostitute and ugly and that im dirty english scum ect..and blame me in public for getting pregnant. I’d stay at my friends sometime because i felt alone,but he would text me after about two weeks and say he loves me and wants me back,but he was NEVER sorry for how he spoke or treated to me.

    After i had my baby in the hospital,his mum and dad decided to come round and visit their grandchild,they didnt really speak to me and they took over my daughter in every way possible even to this day (she is three) Even on the way out of the hospital one of the aunties took my baby in a separate car from me,i was very worried and angry. They told me they didnt like the name me and him chose for her and wanted us to give her a indian name,they even call her an Indian name today and never use her birth name at all,they asked to keep her for four months one time as well! they get my girl to call them mum and dad and me by my first name. They even fill her with sweets and junk food to which ive had to say something to which his dad just replied ‘i am the grandfather ill give her what i want’ I even stopped her from going round as much and which my narcissistic ex took me to court over,coz he thought he had a hold over me due to the fact he studied law.

    As time went on before i realized he was a narcissistic,we fell out and got back together number of times,we rowed over his family over the fact he never went near me,kised me ect,withdraw sex from me and put me down,he even went to another country behind my back and also some days when my girl was very young he would turn his phone off and i believe he was cheating.Since Ive know him he’s had numerous different jobs,cars and two different houses.

    Because i felt alone and very insecure in the relationship i finally had enough and we split almost a year ago, He tried getting me back once or twice or offered me out places a few times,but i never accepted..It was and still is very hard to accept and i still have to deal with his narcissistic parents in my child’s life,not disciplining my child over spoiling her and over feeding her.I was brought up with my grandparents so have no family but his who can help me out when i go back to work ect.

    I found out through researching and even talking to his ex girlfriend that i believe he is a narcissistic and will use others to benefit himself.
    I worry for my child’s well being and prey she will not be influenced by narcissism .

    I found out recently due to facebook,that he is with another woman (who i believed he cheated on me with due to evidence) and she is writing how in love she is and how he’s her prince,but his comments to her are more of the sexual nature to which she isn’t aware yet, because its only been a few months..but soon she will see the real him,nasty,cold,controlling,bored easy,unsettled selfish man where as he can not feel love,then he’ll be on to his next victim for his supply.

    But in the mean time i have to bring his child up the best i can,whilst putting up with his childish games and his families influence on my daughters life.

    Thank you for reading my long dyslexic story lol and i wish full recovery to men and women dealing with a narcissists in their lives.

  9. alice says:

    After finally leaving…for good the last time, I have come to realize much about this disorder..and what hell i suffered in while with him and even after i left him.He was very sick, twisted in his head about sex. He wanted me to do many sick things for him, to control me! He even hid his brother in our bedroom one night..trying to be sneaky and have him perform oral sex on me in the dark. The brother is just as twisted! turned out, i blew the whole thing up and turned on the light to go to the bathroom and saw him in there!I was then beaten, cursed and called all kinds of names…for not willingly having sex with my BIL! I was also told i was a big whore, so why not do something to make my husband happy, instead of someone else! there was no one else! He tried his damndest to make an argument out of it..and he did! he also tried to make himself sound like the one who was in the right, not me..i was just supposed to go along for anything he said, wished or told me to do..whatever that was!I had no voice, mine never mattered..it was always his voice, his will to be done! I had grown to hate that man so much, fear kept me there for years..and beatings and rapes! When i finally decided that i would rather try to leave,nothing or nobody was going to stop me..i was determined! he was like a prison guard to me instead of a husband. a prison guard who wanted to be treated like GOD.

  10. Carol says:

    Oh wow where do I begin? I have been seeing a somatic narcissist younger male (can’t say man coz he’s not) for 3 and a half years on and off. I still can’t believe it that I was part of his sick sex conquests.. I recently caught him out with another women at his house. I am 51, he is 39 and she is only 20 yrs old. I found this out after contacting her through Facebook friends search. If only I had been more of a detective earlier I would not have ever gone back, but of course I was a victim of his cunning lies and deceitfulness.

    However I contacted her via Facebook and she asked me to ring her so I did. She tells me that she has been with him for 2 yrs now, and practically lived there a lot. I was so disgusted, she then tells me that he is a speed and ice junkie who shoots up. I said what the f…, OMG I never knew, and that he has many women that he has sex with. She was only 18 yrs old when he started with her. I was so shocked and wanted to vomit. All this time he has pretending to be a very good single father to his three young children.. Now everything adds up, all his twisted stories, his lack of talking, his excuses why he lost my phone number ect ect. I accused him of being a player a few months ago and he just glares at me with no emotion.. as though I am annoying him. I am worried about the kids they are in complete immoral danger. The young women has gone back to him since we spoke, I know because he sent me very abusive messages to my Facebook account from an alias name, (apparently he has many fake accounts, so he can abuse her badly when he is with someone else…

    I am only a few weeks into healing and know I have a long way to go..

    Please advise me or if you want to chat, I have made a report to child protection services about his sick lifestyle with many different women, and letting the kids see and get attached to us..

    I am seriously thinking that there is a lot more I don’t know about, like when the 5 yr old boy said to me one day, did I want to have sex? I said oh you don’t say that, he said yes say that and laughed. I later told his father and his reply was, are you sure with a giggle, because he can’t speak properly. He is very sick, and needs sex daily of anyone he can get, while using womens money to buy methamphetamine to shoot up.
    Apparently this gives a hyperactive sex drive along with his somatic narcissist personality disorder which he has. Honestly I don’t think his kids are safe… It makes me sick to the stomach to know that this much was hidden from me, even when I would query him..

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  12. Some Guy says:

    As someone who is narcissistic I feel it is unfair to characterize narcissists as if we are incapable of metering ourselves. Most mental disorders are manageable if the person is made aware of their issues and said person genuinely wishes to be otherwise. What a narcissist has to do is understand that their natural inclinations toward others are inappropriate, and learn to be introspective instead of impulsive. We aren’t monsters. I actually explained the disorder to my girlfriend, and had her read the necessary literature. I encourage her to set boundaries with me, and our relationship is wonderful. As time has passed I’ve noticed that my control issues have faded, because I’d rather enjoy a true partnership than relegate myself to a life of being a hermit. Finally, I encourage narcissists not to drink alcohol, because we tend to be awful people when we’re intoxicated.

  13. Donna says:

    I am convinced my partner has NPD, or certainly borderline however, how do I go about getting him to see this. I need help.

  14. AnonymousMe says:

    Were my two exes narcissists or is there something wrong with me?

    I got together far too quickly with NK. We started living together after only a few weeks. He was very insistent and as much as that should have been a warning, I think I was insecure and naive. Sex was all about him and when I tried to talk to him about it (very gently) he got angry with me. I started losing interest in sex with him because it was frustrating. He pestered me. I tried talking with him again. He called me sexually damaged and told me that I just thought I didn’t like what he did and just thought I liked other things but if I was healthy then I’d agree with him. He didn’t work at all. I had 3 jobs. He accused me of cheating multiple times. I hadn’t. He was jealous of my friends and tried to get me to stop seeing them. He also tried to make me stop seeing my mother. I was locked into a lease with him and I told him I wanted to break up. He refused to let me out of the lease and move out and he refused to sign the lease fully over to me and move out himself. I left and kept paying rent there and paid rent for a room at a friends place. After a month I told him he had to choose to give me the lease or keep it himself. He had 1 month. After that, I’d stop paying and contact the agent.

    The next boyfriend, JW, was flatting with two friends of mine. He had been married with 2 kids; one biologically his. We had a very sexual relationship. I’d never experienced anything like that kind of chemistry before. After a year and a bit, I found out he had cheated on me with many women, mostly my friends. I had a tumour in my uterus and had a small surgery to look around and assess options. This was days after I found out about the cheating. He chose the moment I got home and was still under the influence of painkillers and anesthetic to call me a whore and comparr me negatively to many other women. He attacked my physicality, femininity, spirituality, told me I wasn’t understanding and nurturing, and told me he could never love a woman who behaves like such a whore in the bedroom. He used my eftpos card to empty my bank avvount on alcohol instead of getting my prescription pain killers, so as he was saying all these things the anasthetic and pain killers from the operation were wearing off. Afterward, he spread rumours. Really nasty rumours and used his new girlfriend, a woman I’d known for 10 years, to spread them. To this day, I don’t know who believed these things and who didn’t.

    Were these men narcissists? Or is the problem me? I live in a very isolated way now. I miss having friends around and I would like to socialise again. I don’t have sex outside of monogamous relationships and haven’t been on a date in about a year. I don’t want to be closed off but I’m afraid the problem is me and I’ll just attract another abusive man and ‘friends’ who abuse my trust. What if the reason my friends had no loyalty to me is because I’m a bad friend or a nasty person? What if the reason these two relationships were bad is because I created it and my view is skewed?

    • Lethal Licorice says:

      I would like someone to reply to you because I feel very similar to this. I can’t explain how many relationships have felt this way to me. I even feel that my single mother had less feelings and more drive than average. I don’t feel comfortable getting close with new people because I fear being attracted to the wrong ones. I tell myself all that’s left to do is make myself better and keep others at a distance. Sadder still, I’m a camper of life trauma camp. I preferred volunteering for disabled students in my 6th grade school to going to recess. I then got and survived cancer in my ovaries by 17 years old. And at least 5 younger people close to me, I’ve lost count sadly, have passed away from illnesses and accidents. I am impulsively and compulsively loving and I’m not sure how to stop making connections that leave me so empty in the end and confused.
      Thank you for all this helpful insight. Putting words to all this and spreading support and awareness is the first step to healing.

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