Narcissists defy logic. A small minority are self-aware enough to seek help. Some seem pretty functional and even successful. But the majority are blissfully ignorant of the devastating impact they have on the people around them.
A narcissistic grandmother is a latter type. She doesn’t realize the extent of her issues, and she tends to find fault in everyone but herself. That is typical of most narcissists.
So before we get to the specific signs of a narcissistic grandmother and how you can cope with her, let’s look at what narcissism is.
This article is written by Lana Adler, founder of Toxic Ties.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissism (or narcissistic personality disorder – NPD), is a pattern of self-centered thinking and behavior characterized by a craving for attention and a lack of empathy for others.
Everyone is narcissistic to some degree. We all enjoy being praised or admired. We typically prioritize our needs over others, and sometimes we fail to acknowledge or empathize with someone else’s suffering.
For example, you might enjoy the attention you get when you wear that form-fitting dress. You accept a promotion at work even though your colleague deserved it more.
Or here’s something we are all guilty of: you know of the profound humanitarian crises in the third world, but you put it out of your mind and go get yourself the latest iPhone.
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As bad as this sounds, this isn’t pathological. At least not in a clinical sense.
But when it comes to narcissism in a pathological form, the traits of self-centeredness and disregard for others’ become extreme and even dangerous.
So what are the specific signs of narcissistic disorder? According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), to be diagnosed with NPD a person must exhibit five or more of the following symptoms:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- A belief that one is special and can only be understood by other exceptional people
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
- Exploitation of others
- A lack of empathy
- Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
- Arrogance.
Most people who exhibit narcissistic traits would not meet a clinical definition of a narcissistic personality disorder.
Still, a grandmother with narcissistic tendencies can be just as damaging as someone with an NPD diagnosis.
The Two Types of Narcissism
Narcissists usually fall into two broad categories: grandiose narcissists and vulnerable narcissists.
Grandiose (or overt) narcissists enjoy being the center of attention, believe in their uniqueness and superiority, and feel entitled to the best things in life. This is who people call “egomaniacs.”
Vulnerable (or covert) narcissists are much more subtle about those same needs and beliefs.
They are torn by contradictions. On the one hand, they believe in their superiority over others.
On the other hand, they are plagued by feelings of inferiority, shame, and fear of criticism. So they prefer to stay “behind the scenes” and play the victim or the martyr.
A narcissistic grandmother is likely to be the covert type.
12 Signs of a Narcissistic Grandmother
As we’ve discussed, not all narcissists are the same. There’s a lot of variation in the behavior and personality of narcissistic people.
However, if you suspect your children’s grandmother is a narcissist, there’s a good chance she exhibits the following signs.
1. She has strong controlling and manipulative tendencies
Everything has to go her way, or else. And to get what she wants, she often uses covert or manipulative tactics such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, blame game, playing the victim, etc.
These tactics are her weapons of choice because they are subtle enough to evade responsibility but effective enough for you to get the message.
2. She has volatile reactions
A narcissistic grandmother makes you feel like you always have to walk on eggshells, or she will explode with anger or shut down. She overreacts to the smallest arguments and perceived slights, and demands total obedience.
Whenever you step out of line, a narcissistic grandmother will be outraged or threaten to cut you and your children out of her life (or her will). So you feel like a relationship with her can break apart at any minute.
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3. She doesn’t respect your decisions
Whether it comes to your personal decisions or decisions concerning your children, a narcissistic grandmother is fundamentally incapable of respecting your choices and beliefs. For that reason, narcissistic grandmothers often undermine the parents.
She ignores your childcare instructions when she babysits. And if you confront her about it, she’ll either deny the violation or dismiss it as an insignificant issue.
4. Her logic seems shaky or absurd
Her responses are often nonsensical when you disagree with her and try to make your point.
That’s because she engages in circular conversations also known as “word salad” with an intent to confuse you and ensure that the conversation never has the resolution you seek.
After an argument with her, you’ll feel drained, frustrated, and dissatisfied.
5. She plays Favorites with her grandchildren
A narcissistic grandmother will likely pick one grandchild out of the litter to love and adore. She will put that child on the pedestal, while the others will only receive scraps of her love.
She did the same with her own children, choosing one child to be the “golden child,” and the other – the “scapegoat.” This is typical for families where one or both parents are narcissists.
6. She “grooms” her grandchildren
The term “grooming” refers to the grandmother gaining the trust and the loyalty of the grandchild to manipulate them. Narcissistic grooming might come in the form of gifts, special attention, special privileges, secret-keeping, etc.
Grooming goals can range from gaining narcissistic supply (the love and adoration of the grandkids) to turning your children against you.
7. She doesn’t own up to anything
Narcissistic grandmothers often cross boundaries, question your judgment, and undermine you as a parent.
If you confront her, she’s likely to deny the offense, turn the tables on you, or play innocent. No matter what you say, she will not accept responsibility or apologize.
8. She has “flying monkeys.”
Abusive grandmothers are good at manipulating people’s perceptions of them.
So some family members will fall for her act and only see her the way she wants them to see her.
They will become her enablers – people who endorse the view that anyone who challenges the grandmother is ultimately wrong.
So if an argument arises, they will come to the grandmother’s defense and act as her good little soldiers or “flying monkeys.”
Of course, this is very intentional. The grandmother manipulates them to do her bidding.
9. She makes holidays and special events difficult
Family get-togethers should be joyous and enriching events. What’s better than sharing a meal with the people you love?
But in addition to turkeys and mashed potatoes, narcissistic grandmothers always cook up some drama for the holidays.
Expect that she will cause an argument, say something hurtful, or ruin everyone’s good time in some other way.
10. She lies about everything
Sometimes it’s mind-boggling because she will even lie about the things she has no reason to lie about.
That’s because she’s a pathological liar. Being dishonest is a way of life for her. She will treat you as a traitor and scapegoat when you start seeing through her lies.
She will even accuse you of being a liar – a tactic called “projection.” All of this is done to evade accountability and maintain control.
11. She’s a grandmother when it’s convenient for her
She wants to see the grandchildren on her terms: for example, only at her house, or only when she requests them. She also uses them to boost her public persona.
Whenever she has a chance to show off what a marvelous grandmother she is, she’ll put on a show and play the loving, doting granny to get the public praise. But privately, she’s often neglectful of the grandkids.
12. She pulls “disappearing acts.”
Like any narcissist, a narcissistic grandmother is hyper-sensitive to any criticism, and even an innocent comment can be perceived as a slight and a sign of disrespect.
When that happens, the grandmother will likely give you and your whole family the silent treatment.
So from time to time, she will disappear into this cone of silence which is meant to punish whoever crossed her.
The silent treatments can last for days, weeks, months, and even years! And the parents are often at a loss about what to tell their children.
4 Strategies for Dealing with a Narcissistic Grandmother
Now that you’ve identified the signs of a narcissistic grandmother, let’s figure out effective strategies for dealing with her.
1. Set limits.
Narcissistic grandmothers are notorious for crossing boundaries and disregarding instructions. The only way to deal with this is by continuing to set limits and distancing yourself when necessary.
You can try something Dr. Craig Malkin calls a “connection contract.” This is when you lay out the terms of your agreement to spend time with a narcissist, and what happens if the narcissist violates this agreement.
This is actually simpler than it sounds. Say, a narcissistic grandmother wants you and your kids to come over.
You say: “We will come. But if I hear yelling (cursing, putdowns, etc.), we will not be able to stay. So it’s really up to you if my kids and I come and spend time with you.”
2. Maintain emotional distance
This is probably the most essential coping strategy when dealing with a narcissistic grandmother or with any kind of narcissist.
Maintaining emotional distance has two parts: not allowing the grandmother to trigger an emotional reaction from you, and not showing the grandmother any emotions.
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In literature, it’s referred to as “the grey rock method.” It’s when you don’t engage with anything the narcissist says or does and remain as animated as a rock. It’s kind of the emotional equivalent of playing dead.
The narcissistic grandmother feeds on your emotional energy. The more riled up you become, the more “food” she gets. If you give her nothing, eventually she will leave you alone.
3. Lean on your support system
Narcissistic grandmothers can create a lot of chaos, stress, and confusion in your life. They can leave you drained and frustrated, especially when your children are caught in the middle.
At times like this, you must use your support system. It can be your spouse, your sibling, or a friend.
The important thing is that they can provide you with a fresh perspective on the situation and give you emotional support when you most need it.
So don’t think you can tackle everything by yourself! Seek insight and help of the people who love you.
4. Pick your battles.
Sometimes you’ve got to let the little things go. This isn’t the same as placating a narcissistic grandmother. Stand by the things that really matter to you – things that you consider essential to your kids’ safety and wellbeing.
But constantly bickering and fighting with a narcissistic grandmother isn’t good for anybody, including you.
If you’re choosing to have a narcissistic grandmother in your life, you’ve got to have reasonable expectations of her.
She is who she is. If you’re willing to accept her in your life and your kids’ lives, learn to endure some of her “charm.”
Set boundaries when you need to, but don’t make your relationship a constant battlefield. It’ll just cause you mental and physical exhaustion.
Final Thoughts
Having a narcissistic grandmother in your life can feel overwhelming, confusing, and bewildering. Her abusive ways are so subtle yet so deadly. And oftentimes, you’re probably worried about leaving your children with her.
Your worries are not unfounded. Narcissists can and do cause damage to those around them. For that reason, many people choose to go No Contact with the narcissistic family members, friends or partners.
But this is a topic for another discussion. I want to leave you with this: you are in control, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
I know a narcissistic grandmother has a way of making you feel powerless but it’s an illusion. That’s her smoke and mirrors. And it only works if you believe in it.
Focusing on how awful or difficult they are won’t help when it comes to toxic or narcissistic people. Instead, shift your attention to how you can handle them. In other words, don’t focus on problems; focus on solutions.
This will make you feel more powerful and in control of the situation. So no matter what the narcissistic grandmother throws at you, you have solid coping strategies in place.
This will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with the grandmother, and set a positive example for your kids on how to handle difficult individuals.
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About the Author
Lana Adler is a writer and founder of Toxic Ties — an organization that provides support and resources for people in toxic relationships. She is the author of “The Toxic Grandparent Handbook,” the ultimate guide to difficult grandparents. Besides reading and writing, Lana loves travel, photography, and dirty martinis.
Sources Used For This Article
Apter, T. (2012). Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power. W.W. Norton & Company: New York.
Blake, L. (2015). Hidden Voices: Family Estrangement in Adulthood. University of Cambridge Centre for Family Research/Stand Alone.
Sarkis, S. M. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People – and Break Free. Da Capo Press: New York.
MedScape, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder Questions & Answers”
PsychCentral, “In-Depth: Narcissistic Personality Disorder”
WebMD, “What Is Narcissism?”
Psychology Today, “Are You a Narcissist? 6 Sure Signs of Narcissism”
Mayo Clinic, “Narcissistic personality disorder“
Thank you.
My mother is a narcissist, I don’t know why I imagined she would be a better grandmother….
I’m so glad I found this article.
My mother has NPD. My sister was her Golden Child. Now she has 4 kids and her oldest daughter is my mother’s Golden Grandchild. She lavishes her with expensive shopping sprees and gifts, does her school assignments for her, and treats her like she’s royalty. She is being raised to be an entitled narcissist. She says she is “smarter than everyone else in her class”, she brags about winning swimming trophies. She has to be the center of attention at all times, and always performing (playing the piano, doing gymnastics, or ballet). She’s becoming insufferable. My mother and my sister, both narcissists, are creating a monster. I think it’s a generational curse.
This article is spot on! My mother is a narcissist, I’m 62 years old and my only son is 34 now.
I did not like to be around my mother while raising my son , I didn’t know why then, that was very difficult because he loved her , and she is the only nana he has.
When my son became a teenager he gained weight and she stopped seeing him . Then my brother was dying and mother didn’t tell us until after he passed. She had gone and manipulated my brother on his death bed to take my place as his executor, and she had gotten all his money etc. Then she never allowed us to talk about my brother no funeral nothing.
Ten years go by no contact and no contact now with my other brothers family .We never met his daughter who is 15 now . Cousins that live in the same town and never met because of something (lies) my mom said.
My mom made my brothers wife her executor and my son and I are not in her will.
My son is successful and has recently decided to start visiting my mother…. I told him not to let her talk about me to him !
I can tell My mother is telling him lies about me and he is falling for it. I don’t know what to do? I’m in shock that my son would do this he knows the pain and evil she is. I think it’s her inheritance that has got him . So sad. I’m going to tell him this week if I find out he is having discussions about me with my mom I am reverse mortgaging my home and he will not get it.
I understand it’s difficult to go through something like that. I know that, once a kid turns 18, there’s really not a whole lot you can do about their decision, even if you disagree with their decisions. If they are under 18, and they honestly went behind your back to tell your mom(their grandma) about you, even if it wasn’t positive, and/or untrue, it’s okay to stand up to your child and re-enforce the rules. I also have some troubles dealing with my overbearing grandmother, and my mom just defends her, even though I am trying to convince her that she’s toxic—expects me to go to church, when I know I can watch it online, expects to know every little detail about my adult life—ugh, it’s frustrating, and I really desire to set and enforce the boundaries I make, yet I struggle. I love her, yet I really don’t appreciate it when anyone is being a bit overbearing. I almost at times feel like some “princess in distress”, and I don’t know how to be a queen and set my own boundaries. Even when she tries to tell me that she really doesn’t like my personal style/it doesn’t suit her, she always thinks she has to say something about it. Even, what I choose to do with my hair. I honestly struggle with these things, and I don’t know whether or not they are toxic behaviors I am facing. I am still pondering these things.
Whenever I talk to my grandmother, I try not to bring up everything in my life. Whenever she tells me that “I need to go to church, or else” I know I have told her that “it’s my personal choice of whether or not I want to go”, and she guilt trips me over my personal choices, even if they are minor ways on how I choose to live my life. I am truly happiest watching a church service online and listening to podcasts during the week. She even sees me as if I am to be an exact carbon copy of her, and she tells me how she thinks I “ought to dress, how to be, how to act” and even when I am uncomfortable with her making me do things against my own will, she expects me to choke down my true feelings, all because she thinks “it’s embarrassing her”. She gets upset every time I try to make my own decisions in life, even what I do with my hair, even if I use a temporary hair color that washes out in the shower. I feel, even as an adult, she belittles me no matter what I say or do. I don’t tell her everything, but is there any chance I can deal with her on these issues. It seems to me as if I go against her wishlist, she’s going to guilt me, even my mom is the one enabling her. I feel as if I am constantly a “princess in distress”, who just would like to be her own queen, entirely. Please help!
I have been trying to figure out my narcissistic meemaw for years, and there is very little information. Unfortunately, my own mother is the biggest flying monkey and did nothing to protect me from her angry mother. Growing up, I knew that there was “something” wrong with her, and from a young age, I didn’t really trust my mom.
I am 42 now and the damage she did to me from early childhood until my mid 20’s…feels like it has ruined my life, to be honest. It is so lonely too. No one sees what I see. I am an only child and was raised by a single mother. She let her mom bully me.
It started with small things like forcing me to wear my hair a certain way to be very opinionated about how I lived my life. I don’t know how I will ever be able to move on. I am so tired now and my life has been wasted trying to escape outside influence and judgment. From a very young age, maybe 5-6, I knew something was off and noticed that my mom and all her siblings played some sort of role but I did not have the vocabulary or even the cognitive ability to make sense of it, and when I would describe it, would be told I was wrong and hurtful. I’d be punished and told to apologize. In the last few years, I have been told by my mother that I was actually sort of the “favorite”…
I always knew the reason my meemaw had issues with me came from 1) my decisions not validating her decisions…leading to envy and jealousy 2) my personality being to much like her own…didn’t like what she saw for some reason…she wanted only her opinion to be yielded to 3) CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. She was constantly sticking her nose in business or telling my mom how to raise me, telling me what I should wear, how to style my hair, and just being bossy.
I do not take kindly to bossy people, and I tend not to be that way towards others because I know how awful and stifling it can be. My life choices from a young age did not mirror her choices. She married at 15 and had her first of 5 at 16. They didn’t graduate HS, didn’t drive until about 30, and worked factory jobs. She was SO angry when I was growing up. I am an only child, knew from a young age I did not want children, and basically tried anything that interested me (sports, learning, travel…
I am a very curious person. She thought I should stay in rural IL (pop 1200), marry and have kids and be a nurse or some other traditionally women’s work. She eventually won her battle a few months after my dad passed. She was hyper-critical of my “lifestyle” and made me feel like trash.
She got her way because 3 days after her character assassination of me, I met the man who I would eventually marry, who lied and abused me and married me for a green card. I gave up on myself. She used to even yell at me that I would dress like her when I was older. When my mom had me, she had long hair…my meemaw bullied her into cutting it because long hair was only for young “maidens”. My mom has battled her weight her whole life.
My meemaw used to bribe her with new clothes if she tried to lose weight. She still has that long ponytail in a bag in her closet. My mom has never left her hometown and has basically just rotted away her whole life. A while ago, my mom was so pleased when she told me that her mom said she was her hero. Hero for what? doing nothing? How is that heroic?
Oof…
I (then 30f) “had” to take care of my grandmother (then 82) since her daughter (my mother) kicked her out of their home.
i have slowly become a shell of the person i once was and wanted to be.
she needs a little care, but her other children dont help me or her. Im footing the bills of all major things like house and doc visits… then gives what little money she has to her children!!
when i confront its :
I didnt do that, show me proof.
Then proceeds to talk to her sister about helping her son out with his mortgage.
Red line for me is my mother – i havent spoken to her in 11 years and is the cause of all this mess and i have been very specific on no communication/no giving my address to that woman. Yup, shes talking to her again after 3 years and now says “im a mother first” and now the women picks her up from my HOUSE.
I have told my grandmother to go live with her daughter since shes happy with her again, but refuses because “its not as peaceful as here”. AKA she wants me to continue to pay for her crap while doing things that hurt me. *sigh* i wish i had a better ending, but im in therapy now!
i wish it was dementia but its not. its narcissism on her part
U r best going no contact with all of them and focus on your therapy/hypnotherapy is good for cptsd and codependency. no more feeling guilty, you r not responsible for any of them. Get ur mental health back and make sure your not a magnet for the vampires. Self-love journey begins
My Grandmother has a lot of these signs/symptoms. I have been really noticing it over the past year and a half.