Last Updated on August 5, 2021 by Alexander Burgemeester
Apart from trust, communication is the most important element of a healthy relationship. Human beings are social creatures, we enjoy talking to each other; but fundamentally, we want to be around people who understand our needs, and to understand someone’s needs, they must be communicated.
One of the many reasons why relationships fail is because of a breakdown in communication, or an inability to communicate. You may have noticed that your partner often switches off, they’re in a bad mood and you don’t know why.
In most cases, it’s because they expect you to give them what they need, even though they haven’t communicated their needs to you. This type of behavior causes major frustrations in a relationship because neither of you are mind readers. In some cases, your partner might be trying his hardest to communicate with you, but it’s just not working.
That’s because some people have never been taught about the importance of healthy communication. In this article, we will discuss 14 ways how to communicate with a man who won’t communicate.
What is Communication?
Despite the fact that male female communication is important in all relationships including work, family, and friends, it’s not a subject we are taught in school. So, before discussing how to communicate effectively with your partner, let’s talk about what it is.
Communication is the transfer of information from one source to another. At a minimum, it involves one sender, and one recipient. The sender is the one communicating the message, and the recipient is the one receiving it.
Reading Suggestion: 16 Communication Exercises for Couples to Improve their Communication
The act of communication sounds simple enough, but there are several things that can affect it, these include the cultural situation, our emotions, the method of communication, and sometimes, our location.
There are also several types of communication, but for the purpose of this article, we will only discuss verbal and non verbal communication.
Verbal Communication: Verbal communication refers to the way we use words in the spoken or written form. But since your partner probably isn’t writing you a stack of love letters, I’ll be focusing on spoken communication.
There are three main components to effective speaking, the words used, how they’re said, and how they’re reinforced. Speech also includes pace and tone of voice.
There’s a high chance your partner isn’t good at any of these, and often gives you the silent treatment, hence his inability to communicate with you.
Non Verbal Communication
According to experts, between 70 to 93 percent of our communication is non-verbal. In other words, what we don’t say, is more important than what we actually say. For example, you ask your boyfriend if there’s a problem.
He says no, but he’s got a scowl on his face. You automatically know there’s something wrong because his facial expression is telling you there is. Non-verbal communication is about body language, this includes:
- Body Posture: Leaning forward and upright is a sign that someone is interested and focused on what you are saying. However, slouching, and turning away from the communicator is an indication that the listener is uninterested or bored.
- Hand Gestures: Hand gestures can reinforce what a person is saying; they can also give the listener insight into their emotional state. Grand, animated hand gestures indicate that a person is passionate or excited about what they’re saying. Trembling hands could be a sign of anxiety or lying.
Reading Suggestion: Inappropriate Friendships When Married
- Head Movements: Nodding is a sign of agreement, shaking the head is a sign of disagreement.
- Facial Expressions: Unless you’re an extremely good actor, your emotions will show in your facial expressions. In general, happiness is expressed through smiling, anger through scowling, etc.
- Fidgeting: According to marketing expert Jim Blythe,playing with objects, biting nails, or shaking the knees is displacement behaviour, these actions show how you’re feeling inside and none of them are positive.
- Vocal Tone: Speaking style, volume, rate, and pitch all help the listener understand the speaker better. For example, lets say you are having a normal conversation with your partner and his tone is sweet and warm. You ask a question such as, “Can I borrow $100 until next week?” He replies, “Of course, you can borrow as much as you want.” But his tone has changed to sharp and cold. His tone of voice is letting you know that he’s tired of you asking him for money.
Communication skills are complex, and that’s why they are valued by employers worldwide. Unambiguous, effective, accurate and good communication is actually very difficult.
The good news is that you can improve your man’s communication skills and learn what to do when someone shuts down emotionally.
14 Ways How to Communicate With a Man Who Won’t Communicate
Your man might not communicate verbally, but he communicates through his body language and his actions. In other words, there is more to listening than hearing what a person is saying. Since your partner doesn’t speak much, here are some tips on how you can listen with your eyes:
1. Study His Eyes:
Does your partner look away when he’s discussing things with you or does he make direct eye contact? Looking away can be a sign of disinterest, boredom, and in some cases, deceit. Looking away and to the side is often a sign of lying.
On the other hand, looking down indicates submissiveness or nervousness. Pay attention to his pupils, because if the conversation is going well, they will automatically dilate.
If your partners blinking rate increases, it is a sign that he’s thinking more about what is being said, or he’s stressed. However, increased blinking coupled with touching the eyes or mouth is a sign of lying.
Glancing at something means he’s interested in it, so if you’re having a conversation and he starts glancing at the door, there is a chance that your partner isn’t happy with what’s being said and wants to leave.
2. Pay Attention to His Mouth
The mouth can say a lot about what a person is really feeling (pun not intended). When you’re analysing your mans body language, pay attention to the following lip and mouth movements:
- Turned Down or Up: When the mouth is slightly turned down, it could be a sign of grimace, disapproval, or sadness. When the mouth is turned up, it’s a sign that he’s feeling optimistic or happy.
- Pursed Lips: Lip tightening is an indication of distrust, disapproval, or distaste.
Reading Suggestion: How to get out of a bad marriage with no money?
- Covering the Mouth: Is an attempt to hide an emotion such as distrust or disapproval.
- Lip Biting: Chewing the bottom lip, can be a sign that a person is feeling insecure, worried, or fearful.
- Smiling: Don’t assume your partner is happy if he’s smiling, it might not be genuine, and could be a sign of cynicism, sarcasm, or false happiness.
3. Hands and Arms
Pay attention to what your partner does with his hands and arms during a conversation:
- Crossed Arms: Signals that your partner might feel the need to protect himself, closed off, or defensive.
- Hands on Hips: This can be a sign of aggression, or it can indicate that he is in control and ready to take on the task at hand.
- Hands Behind the Back: This posture could indicate that your partner is feeling anxious, bored, or it can be a sign of anger.
- Fidgeting or Tapping Fingers: Your boyfriend might be feeling frustrated, impatient, or bored.
The way a person holds their body says a lot about their emotions and overall well being in that moment. Watch out for the following:
- Sitting Up Straight: Indicates that a person is focused and paying attention to what’s going on.
- Sitting Hunched Forward: Implies that a person is indifferent or bored.
- Open Posture: When the trunk of the body is exposed and open, it’s referred to as an open posture. It’s a sign of willingness, openness and friendliness.
- Closed Posture: Closing the body off by crossing the arms and legs, or leaning forwards, is a sign of anxiety, unfriendliness, or hostility.
5. Be Aware of Proximity
How close does your man sit or stand next to you when you are talking. If he wants to be around, he’ll move closer, if not, he’ll back away. You can gain insight into a relationship by observing the distance they keep between each other.
It’s important to mention that you should take cultural norms into consideration here before you jump to conclusions. For example, Argentinians are very touchy feely, and whether they are happy or not, they are likely to remain in close contact with you.
On the other hand, Romanians prefer to keep their distance when communicating with people.
6. Look Out For Mirroring:
Mirroring involves copying the body language of the person you’re interacting with. If your man mimics your body language, it’s a sign that he wants to build rapport with you. Common mirroring gestures involve drinking at the same time, or resting your elbows on the table at the same time.
Observe His Head Movements: Does your partner nod fast or slowly when you’re having a conversation. Fast nodding is a sign that you’ve said enough, and he wants to speak.
Slow nodding is an indication that he’s interested in what you’re saying and wants you to keep talking. Tilting the head to the side is a sign of interest, tilting the head backwards is a sign of uncertainty or suspicion.
7. Look at His Feet
One of the most vocal parts of the body is the feet. Most people are so concerned with making sure their face and upper body are communicating the right emotions that they forget about their feet. When sitting or standing, a person will point their feet in the direction they want to go. If your partner is pointing his feet in your direction, he’s pleased with you and wants to stay in your presence. But if his feet are pointing towards the door, he wants to leave.
8. Become an Active Listener
Sometimes, we find it difficult to communicate with people because we misunderstand what they’re saying. You might have this problem with your partner and he’s shut off because of it.
Listening is just as important as communicating the message because if it’s heard wrong, the message is never received. The good news is that you can improve your listening skills through active listening.
Active listening not only involves hearing the words being spoken, but hearing the message in the words. Here are some tips on how to improve your active listening skills:
- Pay Attention: When your partner speaks, give him your undivided attention. If you’re doing the dishes, dry your hands, turn around and look at him. Basically, stop whatever you’re doing and focus on him. Don’t entertain your thoughts, look directly at your partner, and if you’re out in public, or there are other people in the background, ignore any side conversations that are taking place.
- Ignore Internal Dialogue: You can’t listen to your partner when you’re having a conversation with yourself. We all have that little voice in our heads that we listen to, and sometimes we can enter into a dream like state when we are talking to someone as we engage with that voice. This is especially true if the conversation isn’t that interesting. Make every effort to shut off that voice so that you can give your partner your full attention.
Reading Suggestion: How do affairs that last more than a year usually end?
- Act as if You’re Listening: Use gestures and body language to let your partner know you’re listening. These might include smiling, nodding occasionally, and an open posture. It’s also important to mention that you should try your best not to exaggerate these movements, especially if the discussion is heated, Exaggerated movement can be interpreted as sarcasm, and you’re not trying to make things worse, you’re trying to make them better.
- Repeat What He Says: To make sure you are hearing your partner correctly, paraphrase what he said. Start by saying something like, “Are you saying that…” And then go on to repeat what was said.
- Ask Questions: If you’re not sure what he’s trying to say, ask questions for clarification.
- Don’t Interrupt: Even if you’re partner is saying something you don’t like, let him finish speaking before you respond.
- Appropriate Response: Unless your partner asked for advice, don’t give any. If he doesn’t tell you what he wants you to do with the information at the beginning of the conversation, ask him and don’t jump to conclusions.
9. Ask the Right Questions
There are two types of questions, open and closed. Open questions give the listener a chance to express themselves further, and closed questions typically require yes or no answers.
If you are a naturally talkative person, no matter how a question is asked, you’ll expand on it because you like talking. Since your partner doesn’t like talking, if you ask him closed questions, he’s going to give you closed answers. Examples of closed questions include:
- Do you want to make dinner together tonight?
- Are you feeling okay?
- Do you want to see a film tonight?
- Did you find the play interesting?
Even if you want your partner to express himself further, the above questions won’t allow him to. Instead, ask open questions such as:
- What food do you feel like cooking together for dinner tonight?
- What made you so angry earlier?
- What film would you like to see tonight?
- What was it about the play that you enjoyed the most?
Can you see the difference here? You are literally forcing your partner to speak, there’s no way he can get away with giving you one word answers with these questions.
10. Start With Feelings and I Statements
One of the reasons why your partner doesn’t communicate might be because he doesn’t like the way you speak to him. When there’s an issue, and you start the conversation by placing blame, he’s going to get defensive.
No one likes being accused of something even if they’re guilty. Clinical psychologist Shelley Sommerfeldt states that starting your conversations by talking about how you feel about the situation makes it easier for your partner to process.
For example you might feel as if your partner spends too much time at work and neglects you. You’re first instinct is to start your conversation by saying something like, “You’re always at work, it’s obvious that you’re job is more important than me.” Instead, try saying, “I feel neglected because you spend so much time at work.
When you let your partner know how their behavior is affecting you, they will be more open to a conversation to see how you can work together to rectify the situation.
11. Tell Your Partner What You Need
What do you do when you can’t communicate with your partner? The answer is simple, tell him what you need. Your man might not be very good at telling you what he needs, but in communicating yours to him, you will encourage him to do the same.
Sometimes you just want to release your frustration about a situation, you don’t want advice on how to solve it, and neither do you want their opinion. But other times, you want your partner to help you come up with a solution.
Neither you or your partner are mind readers, and if you launch into the conversation without letting him know what you need, he is going to do one of two things, sympathize with you, or offer a solution.
Since most men are problem solvers, he may give you a solution when that wasn’t what you were looking for. Or, he’ll sympathize with you when you were looking for a solution. Therefore, the best way to start the conversation is to be direct about what you need at that moment.
12. Express Your Vulnerability
If you want to know your partner in a way that no one else does, express and explain your vulnerability. The aim here is that the more you open up to him, the more he’ll open up to you. Here are some tips on how to do this:
- Self Reflect: In order to be vulnerable with your partner, you’ve got to know exactly who you are and why you do the things that you do. Everyone has a past, or scars from their childhood that affect who they are now. What are yours?
- Don’t Rush: Vulnerability can be scary so dip your toes in the water before heading for the deep end. For one, you might not feel comfortable revealing everything, and two, your partner might not feel comfortable with you being that open with him.
- Be Vulnerable in the Moment: Let’s say you have a disagreement with your partner and he hurts your feelings. Instead of bottling it up and then having an outburst a couple of days later, tell him in that moment exactly how you feel. But remember to use, “I” statements instead of the accusatory “You” statements.
- Express Your Fears: Tell your partner what you’re afraid of especially in regards to your relationship. Don’t shut down when you feel insecure, discuss it with your partner no matter how irrational you think they are. By sharing your fears, it gives your man the opportunity to take care of you, and reassure you that he’s got your back.
13. Learn His Love Language
One of the reasons why you might find it difficult to communicate with your partner is that you are speaking different love languages. According to psychologist Gary Chapman, there are five love languages and we all speak one of them:
- Words of affirmation: Expressing love and appreciation through words.
- Physical touch: Expressing love through physical touch such as hugging and holding hands.
- Acts of service: Expressing love through doing things for your partner such as washing the dishes, picking the kids up from school or washing the car.
- Quality time: Expressing love by spending time with your partner.
- Gift giving: Expressing love by giving gifts not just on special occasions.
Think about it like this, what would it be like trying to speak to someone who spoke a different language than you? Impossible to hold a conversation right? Well, that’s exactly what happens when you and your partner don’t understand each other’s love languages.
You might expect your man to buy you gifts all the time because that’s your love language, but because he doesn’t know this, and his love language is acts of service, he’s always doing things for you but you don’t appreciate it because that’s not your love language.
Can you see the conflict here? The good news is that you can resolve it by learning his love language. Unlike learning a foreign language, the process is really simple. Spend a week using all the five love languages and see which one he responds to best.
He may have two, but it’s rare he’ll have any more than that. Once you start speaking to him in his love language, teach him how to speak to you in yours.
14. Be His Friend
Men love women, but they also enjoy being around other men because they understand each other. Your partner might find it difficult to communicate with you because he feels you don’t understand him.
One way you can get to understand him better is by becoming his friend. Here are some tips on how you can do this.
Be His Cheerleader:
Men like feeling like men which is why they hang around other men. If you pay attention to a group of men, you’ll notice they’re always hi-fiving each other, and cheering each other on.
But these things are typically related to their masculinity. Basically, men like praise, they enjoy being praised for their masculinity. Here are some tips on how you can become you’re partners cheerleader:
Compliment His Body:
Despite the fact that men are not body shamed as much as women, they are very conscious about their physical appearance. All the hero’s in movies have got six packs, and strong arms. All women were swooning over Brad Pitt when he revealed his abs in Fight Club. Here are some examples of how you can compliment his body:
- I love the way you hold me, your arms are so strong.
- I can really tell you’ve been working out, those abs look edible.
- You’re looking extra handsome today.
- I love that outfit on you, it really highlights your best features.
Compliment His Efforts
Whether he did the dishes, took out the garbage, or changed a lightbulb, let him know that you recognize his acts of service. Here are some examples:
- You’re such a good cook, I really appreciate that you took the time out to make this meal for me today.
- I’m so impressed, you know how to fix everything.
- Thank you for doing the dishes last night and letting me go to bed early.
Compliments To Show You Respect Him
Research suggests that men value respect more than love. As a woman, you probably prefer to hear how much your partner loves you. Of course, he wants to know that you love him too, but he’d much rather you let him know you respect him. Here are some examples:
- I respect the way you didn’t argue with that man on the bus today.
- I love the fact that you are a man of integrity.
- I admire the way you were able to admit that you were wrong.
- Your ability to forgive the people who have hurt you is really inspiring.
Compliments That Show You Trust Him as a Leader
Men are natural born leaders, but times have changed, and although we’re not all the way there yet with equality, women have the ability to lead just as well as men.
Sometimes, this can cause problems in a relationship, and women can unintentionally undermine their partners.You can avoid this by complimenting him in this area, here are some examples:
- I would follow you anywhere.
- You’re so intelligent, you always give the best advice.
- I don’t think you are capable of steering me in the wrong direction.
Learn About the Stuff He’s Interested in:
Is your boyfriend a sports fanatic? Whether it’s basketball, football, or baseball, learn about the sport so you can talk to him about it and watch the game with him sometimes.
But its important to understand that sports mean a lot to men, so you can’t just pretend you’re interested, you’ve got to be all in. Pay attention to the way your man acts when his team wins, that excitement isn’t short lived.
He doesn’t pump the air and keep it moving. He has a pep in his step for the rest of the week, and any time he speaks to his homeboys, that’s the topic main topic of conversation.
On the other hand, if his team looses, he is equally as depressed and he will mope around as if someone has died. Whether his team wins or looses, it’s important that you match his energy, or he’ll assume that you don’t care.
Have Fun With Your Partner:
Men enjoy going out with their friends because they have fun together. They leave their problems at the door, they laugh, act the fool and just have a good time.
There is no denying the fact that life can get hard at times, especially when communication between you and your partner is lacking. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun together.
Set some time aside to do things that he would normally do with his friends such as:
- Go dancing
- Play golf
- Play card games
- Get a couples massage
If you really want your relationship to work, it’s going to take some effort on your part.
You may be thinking, “Well, it’s him who won’t communicate,” which is true, but this fact alone means that you are going to have to take on the bulk of the responsibility and work on learning how best to communicate with your partner in the hopes that he will start opening up more.
As you have read, a lot of people shut down because they don’t think they are being heard, but if you can develop the skills to make your partner feel heard and understood, he’ll become more inclined to engage in conversation with you.
Put the above suggestions into practice as soon as possible, and you will start to see an improvement in the way your partner communicates with you.