As hard as it might be to recognize, you are not too much for the narcissist.
What you want from your relationship isn’t over the top, or even out of the question.
The problem is that you are asking the narcissist; a person who was unable to fulfill the most normal requests from the moment they met you…
…They were just great at pretending.
Yes, folks. You’re not asking the narcissist for too much – you’re asking the wrong person.
Here’s why.
#1 Relationships, right?
When a relationship is supposed to feel safe, and in that you’re supposed to feel supported, then this wouldn’t even be an issue.
What you ask for can’t possibly be too much if you’re both respectful of each other, and willing to communicate consistently.
Narcissists don’t know the meaning of the word respect when it’s meant as a two-way street. They command it without doing a thing to earn it.
Wanting a healthy relationship isn’t you demanding the impossible, it’s wanting the bare minimum, but even that feels like a big ask to the narcissist.
#2 Wanting the minimum is barely asking for a thing
The foundation of any relationship is the desire and request to be heard, not dismissed.
The excuses from a narcissist start to build from the second you meet them, to the point where they rupture those foundations you’re trying to build a good life together on.
Are you asking for the moon? Well, you’d think so with how the narcissist looks at you when you put a question over to them.
You’ll hear the big, deep sigh. You feel the withdrawal from them as they accuse you of being needy.
There comes a point where all victims begin to soften their requests, and shrink small enough for the narcissist to not feel as though they are being hounded on a daily basis.
It’s your way of keeping the peace, but you’re only doing it so they don’t feel uncomfortable.
Love shouldn’t require you to ask less of what you’re trying to build. If your minimum feels like too much to somebody, then you are perhaps asking the wrong person.
#3 Narcissists don’t give
Think about what the right person looks like to you.
Somebody who is kind, patient, real, reflective, accountable, responsible, loving, affectionate, open, honest and encouraging.
I would say those characteristics are fundamental to any successful relationship.
You should be with a person who wants to see you grow, and who cheers when you win.
Narcissists won’t give any of that to you, although when you first meet them, they will promise it all, plus the stars in the sky.
Soon enough, you’ll see a pattern of jealousy; somebody who only gives when it benefits them. They want to look good, rather than be good.
The narcissist’s focus is inward, and it’s you who loses yourself to their ego.
#4 The wrong person
When you discover that you’re asking the wrong person, rather than asking for too much, you will reflect on how you got there.
Victims attest to trying different words, or different tones.
They try different approaches, thinking, “Maybe this will work.” They continue along the lines of, “If I ask better, or when they’ve eaten, or when they’re in a good mood, maybe they’ll understand me more.”
What do I say to that?
I say they hear you already. They simply don’t prioritize you. It’s not that you’re failing in some way to communicate with them, but that you’re communicating with the wrong person.
The narcissist is never going to give you what you need. It doesn’t matter if you perfectly explain your needs, they still won’t hear you.
Why?
I can’t be honey enough here, but they just don’t care.
If a narcissist could be honest with you, they’d say, “Stop trying to be vulnerable with me. It’s weak and pathetic.”
That should tell you everything that you need to know.
#5 Who you’re looking for
I know you are looking for steady, but you wind up falling into the trap of the narcissist.
You end up with somebody who is defensive, when all you want is a good listener.
It’s nice to think of a spouse showing up for you without being asked, but again, we are entering dangerous waters here, because it’s just impossible.
The mutual effort you seek does not occur. The shared care you were hoping for fails to materialize, and all because you fell for the wrong person. This has nothing to do with you, or anything being wrong with you.
Bottom line? You shouldn’t have to keep guessing in your relationship.
#6 Knowing they exist
Those good people exist, I’m going to be blunt about it. Hope should live in knowing that truth, rather than applying all your hope to the hopeless narcissist.
If you want to be with someone who doesn’t flinch when you express how you feel, then know that there are a plethora of options for those people out there. I’m not just talking about one, I talking large numbers.
Why can’t you find them? Because you get swept up in the immediate charm of a stranger who turns out to be the biggest abuser – and let down – you’ve ever known.
You’re looking to be with somebody who doesn’t pull away the moment things start to get real, well you’re never going to find them all the while you pin useless hope on a toxic person.
#7 This was never a you problem
School really begins now, because it’s time you learned what’s really going on.
You are not too sensitive, and you are not needy. You aren’t too demanding.
How can you be? You’re doing what everybody else in a relationship does; you’re looking for ways to connect and be open with each other.
This is way above the narcissist’s station, and being made to feel like the issue will eventually make you believe that’s true.
It’s easier for them to blame you for being all the things you’re not, just to let themselves off the hook.
You were never broken, you were just stuck in the wrong environment. And we all know…
…You can’t get better in the same environment that made you sick.
#8 When you become programmed to believe you’re asking for too much
This never happens overnight, it’s slow and subtle, and it’s a well thought-out design by the narcissist.
As they get you in this situation, you notice that you’re asking more carefully, then it starts to become less frequent, then soon enough, you don’t ask at all.
As you learn to negotiate the toxic relationship, you assume it boils down to you being unable to live in any relationship dynamic, which is just trash.
The brutal reality is that you found the wrong person to want to share life with.
You’ve tried every trick in the book, from being more patient, to bending over backwards to accommodate their needs and requests…
…To no avail.
It’s time now to realize what damage that can do to you long-term, and now much growth can come from admitting that you are with the wrong person.
