I’d love to be able to tell you that your kids are safe in life, but if I can be brutally honest, there’s one group of people they should always avoid…
…The narcissist.
I can’t stress this enough; keep them away from toxic people at all times. If that isn’t possible, at least clue them up and give them tools to spot the red flags that I am about to list.
Where there is danger, there is always an answer.
#1 What you want to see
I know that you want to see as much peace and tranquility as you can in all life situations. Don’t we all?!
Unfortunately, you won’t get that if you invite a narcissist into your life.
You want to see harmony and understanding, and a dynamic where your children happily grow with the people who surround them.
I think it’s normal to want positivity, I mean, the alternative is terrible, right?
#2 What you actually see
Here’s the thing. You will see a contrast, and it will look like this:
- Children who are manipulated by the narcissist.
- Triangulation at any given opportunity.
- Fallouts that seem to only happen when the narcissist is present.
- Changed behavior led by the narcissist, whether that’s needing more validation, or needing to be perfect in everything they do.
- An atmosphere you could cut with a knife at times.
- Never really being able to put your finger on what’s wrong, but knowing full well something is.
- Drama. Out of absolutely nowhere.
Narcissists bring with them the kinds of attitudes and behaviors that create these outcomes, and I’m sorry to say, but no matter how hard you try to control that narrative, you won’t win.
#3 Knowing when things aren’t right
You’ll see a shift, and that might come from the way you ‘re directly looking at the dynamic, or the fact that you’re seeing the kind of dynamic that you experienced as a child repeat itself.
When things aren’t right, it will hit you like a heavy weight to the stomach, and you’ll want to change it fast.
The red flags luckily will make themselves obvious to you, and while they’re doing so, you get a chance to bring your kids to safety and give them a real chance to grow up both safely and independent from narcissistic abuse.
#4 Stepping in: at what cost?
I know it’s hard to step in when you see the red flags, but I want you to think of it this way.
You either risk falling out with somebody who is abusive, or you protect your kids.
The first isn’t as easy to experience as I’d like to admit, but it’s far better to be the enemy of an abuser than the parent of a child who needs extensive therapy as an adult due to the narcissism they were exposed to at a younger age.
#5 The red flags you’re missing
Let’s break it down, and get to the nitty gritty.
Red flags that you are missing when that narcissist is around your kids vary greatly, so I will break them down for you:
Gaslighting red flags:
- “I never said that. Don’t lie to mummy.”
- “Kids don’t have the best memory, do they?”
- “It was just a joke. Let’s keep playing the game.”
- “You’re such a bad loser. Look at you, all dramatic.”
Seeking admiration red flags:
- “Look at all the hard work grandma did to raise your daddy. You’d think I’d have done a better job!”
- “Gradnma tries hard to make good food. Tell me you love it!”
- “I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life, little one.”
- “Everybody says I’m the best grandpa. What do you think?”
Criticism-based red flags:
- “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?”
- That’s a lovely drawing, but the sky should be blue, not yellow.”
- “You are at the age where you just can’t handle criticism.”
- “I never know what to buy the grandkids. I barely know them.”
Undermining the parent red flags:
- “Well, we think Mummy is boring, don’t we?”
- “We think Daddy should just let us play in the rain?”
- “Tell mummy you think we should have pizza for lunch!”
- “I know how to look after a child. I did have three of my own, you know!”
Creating drama red flags:
- “Back in my day, children were disciplined.”
- “”Don’t tell your mother/father I let you do this.”
- “This can be our little secret.”
- “Show grandpa how much you love him, give him a big cuddle!”
There are many more red flags, but I wanted to give you a few examples of each, from different areas of life and game-playing approaches of the narcissist.
I wonder how many you recognize, or how many you heard yourself growing up.
Did you think it was normal? Was the narcissist you knew back then excused for being too opinionated?
Sometimes people can joke about certain people. “Oh, you know what they can be like. Just ignore them.”
No. It’s time the red flags that are being waved by the narcissist obviously were spotted and highlighted as being evil.
#6 What a list!
You’ll agree, right?
I wanted to really zone in on the kinds of red flags that cause so much trouble.
Some you might be familiar with, others not so much.Either way, do you see how damaging all the comments are, and how unsafe your kids would be around anybody who speaks like this?
The red flags are easy to miss, especially if you have been raised in the kind of house where these comments were normalized.
If it;s all you’ve ever known, it will be what you consider to be familiar, therefore permissible to speak.
They are not. They are dangerous. To grow up with this kind of talk means you have totally missed some very dangerous red flags that have damaged you.
They’re now going to damage your kids, unless you remove the disease from the room, in this case, the disease is the narcissist.
Don’t let the list fool you. It is not exhaustive, and there are thousands more comments a narcissist can come up with around your kids in order to change the mood or atmosphere.
#7 Safety is paramount!
Kids grow up to be the kind of person that resembles the environment they live in.
Sure, there are behavioral patterns through the family lines that will stick, but for the most part, where you place somebody is where and how they will grow.
You wouldn’t be able to grow a sunflower in the dark without water, but in the right conditions, it will thrive.
It’s the same for children. Put them in the company of a narcissist, and you will only see them grow to a point.
Their safety becomes paramount, and it’s only in the outcome you will be able to see if the people your kids had around them were good or not.
