One minute the narcissist is there, the next, they are gone. The relief felt by those pleased to see the back of these toxic people is palpable, but for so many, missing them can be confusing and suffocating.
You know you suffered during your time together, yet there’s this pull, this string that keeps you attached to them even when they’re not around.
What is that? How can somebody so bad for you invoke feelings of nostalgia and yearning?
Two words.
Trauma bond.
When missing them doesn’t make sense
There is never a more confusing time than that period you miss the narcissist. Victims liken it to feelings of deprivation.
They once had something truly amazing, and now it’s gone. The safety net of an abuser comes from the immediate draw you get from meeting them. It feels like nothing else, and nobody else you meet compares.
That’s why it’s common for abusers to feel bored in moments of quiet or peace.
It makes them physically uncomfortable to sit with people who are calm and peaceful, because it’s the opposite of what they’re used to.
They want drama, they want passion, they want control. Without it, life can be quite scary.
The trauma bond that’s created when you meet the narcissist is one that can feel hard, almost impossible to break, but it isn’t.
It’s just that intense that you can’t remember a time you didn’t love or want them.
And equally, you fail to picture a point in the future where you’re able to live without their memory encapsulating you all over again.
And so you’re led to feel like you’re crazy. But you’re not. What you’re witnessing is a trauma bond.
I’m sure some of you have heard that before, but this is where your longing comes from.
What is a trauma bond?
A trauma bond is a strong (and I mean strong) connection with somebody that has an underlying foundation of trauma attached to it.
I know what you’re thinking. How the heck can you be addicted to somebody who you have such negative experiences with?
It’s because the highs were so high, they override the unhealthiness of the lows that come with the relationship.
The whole pattern is addictive, and that’s what keeps people coming back. And coming back? Well, that only strengthens the trauma bond more and more.
You start to crave intermittent reinforcement. You crave the little moments they offer you that feel like love, without understanding that this is the bare minimum in any kind of connection.
You take it, because it’s all they’re giving you. You wait and hope and pray for the next time that happens, but it’s very little, and very infrequent.
This is common in narcissistic relationships. In fact, it’s what keeps every single one of them afloat.
And if it sounds like something you’re familiar with, then hang in there. You are definitely not crazy.
Narcissist game time: How the bond is created
You can start to unpick the real dangers of a trauma bond when you put together the narcissistic cycle of abuse.
Typically, it comes in four stages that you will be familiar with, but might not necessarily have a name for them. Until now…!
Let’s briefly cover each stage.
Love Bombing: The hook that feels like a dream, right? It’s all amazing at the beginning, and you can’t believe your luck.
Devaluation: Slowly losing your sense of self is common in the devaluation period.
Discard: When reality starts to slip. The narcissist loses interest in you and doesn’t care to keep that connection open any longer.
Hoovering: Just when you think it’s all over, they come back to try and hoover you in with the usual promises that they will do better, and that they still love you and always will.
Intermittent Reinforcement: The push-pull that keeps you addicted will only keep you hanging onto this toxic situation when you should be letting go.
You’re not weak or crazy…. You’re trauma bonded!
Longing for the narcissist won’t change the moment you realize they’re abusive and toxic.
The habit of yearning for them comes from all the ways you’ve got tangled up in this traum bond.
It’s where the narcissist worked their ‘magic’ and got you to the point where you feel like you can’t function without them in your life.
It’s an entire experience that works the same for every single person caught up, but there is a way out of it, and you can recover.
Being emotionally conditioned to follow their lead, to reatrest, obey, beg and plead is standard.
You think it isn’t because all you feel is that gravitational pull that keeps you coming back for more. And with each hit, you feel even more intensely.
Signs you can look out for include:
- Obsessively thinking about the narcissist
- Justifying their behavior
- Feeling guilt for leaving
- Believing you can “fix” them
Why it’s so hard to let go
It’s hard to let go of anybody who has given you some of the best times, compliments, experiences and promises in your entire life.
It’s especially hard when somebody you know is bad for you pulls you in as powerfully as the narcissist does, and that’s what can make you feel completely separated from sanity.
You want to believe that they’re a good person, you’ve seen them act in ways that left you breathless, but they were also responsible for all the pain, tears and loss of self.
It doesn’t make sense that this could all come from the same person, but here we are, in narcissism central.
When you’re stuck in a trauma bond, you hand over your emotional independence to somebody who knowingly takes advantage of you.
You learn to rely on them for everything, from opinions, to thoughts, to support or help.
If you fear being alone, this is why. You think, “How can I cope by myself?”
The same way you coped before you were programmed to only rely on one person for everything.
Reading that and understanding that are two different things, and it’s the same with starting over or meeting somebody new.
But those things will all come with time and patience.
Breaking the bond: The path to healing
First thing’a first, you gotta name it. Trauma bonds are hard to admit to, but as soon as you notice it and give it that time and label, the sooner you are able to remove the hook that keeps baiting you in.
I like to advise people to consider going no contact because it really is the most effective way to keep the narcissist from continuing to abuse you. It really is that straightforward.
Next up? You. When you haven’t got a block in your road, you can keep moving forward.
Get to know yourself again, build your identity, be you. But first, find out who that you is.
That can come from figuring out what you like and what you don’t like, using a therapist to help you, journaling, getting out in nature and taking the time to decompress from the trauma bond you were stuck in all that time.
Support systems – lock them down! Family and friends want to help you, so if you reach out and let them, they can be a vital source of support in your healing.
The most important thing is to offer yourself some compassion, because that is long overdue. Be kind to yourself.
