But what is this \u201ctension\u201d I\u2019m talking about here? What happens in a narcissistic family that doesn\u2019t happen in other families?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Table of Contents:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n While there is very little research in this area, we do have reports from people who grew up in narcissistic families – and from the psychotherapists who treat them. And some common themes have emerged. As trauma counsellor Shannon Thomas told INSIDER in 2019<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n “[Narcissistic parents] will triangulate siblings, they spin stories, they tell half truths, and you start to notice the pattern, just like in a romantic relationship, of how they create that chaos.”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the \u201cpattern\u201d that Thomas refers to here is known as the \u201cgolden child scapegoat dynamic.\u201d Here\u2019s what we know about the Golden Child and Scapegoat Child dynamics<\/strong> and how it affects the family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As I said earlier, narcissistic parents put their own needs ahead of their children. In fact, their need to be in control and at the center of attention is sometimes the reason they choose to have children in the first place.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Concepts We Talk About<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n To fulfill those needs and get their narcissistic supply, narcissistic parents sometimes push their children into specific roles within the family. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Two of the common roles that have been identified are the \u201cgolden child\u201d and the \u201cscapegoat.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s look at the characteristics of each role in turn, and see at what they actually entail.<\/p>\n\n\n The golden child role is just what it sounds like \u2013 it\u2019s the favored child of the narcissistic parent. However, this isn\u2019t your ordinary, garden-variety favoritism \u2013 as is often the case with narcissists, it\u2019s taken to extreme levels.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Most of the time, the golden child can\u2019t put a foot wrong. Anything they do well will be celebrated exuberantly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The narcissist will pile on the praise for even minor successes. They win the diving competition? \u201cThat\u2019s fantastic, you\u2019re so talented!\u201d<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n They get a C in English? \u201cGreat work, you\u2019re so smart!\u201d<\/em> They tell a joke at the dinner table? \u201cThat\u2019s hilarious, you\u2019re so funny!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n The golden child is often chosen for the role because they possess some qualities or abilities that would reflect well on the narcissist. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They may be the most attractive of their children, do well in school, or have some potential in a skill such as a sport or musical instrument. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is not always the case though, and sometimes the child who simply identifies the most strongly with the narcissistic parent will become the golden child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Scapegoating is a group dynamic where one person is singled out by the rest of the group, and becomes a target of blame, abuse, and other negative treatment. And again, unfortunately, this is taken to the extreme by narcissistic parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While the golden child can do nothing wrong, the scapegoat can do nothing right. They win the diving contest? <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDid you? Oh OK. Oh by the way we\u2019re going to have to stop your diving lessons, we can\u2019t afford them on top of your sister\u2019s violin lessons\u201d.<\/em> They get a C in English? \u201cJust a C? Is that all? Why am I not surprised?\u201d<\/em> They tell a joke at the dinner table? \u201cThat was terrible, maybe you should just be quiet.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n The nature and intensity of the abuse varies from family to family, depending on the type of narcissist we\u2019re talking about, and how severe their NPD is. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Direct, overt verbal abuse such as insults, blaming, and put-downs are commonly reported, but in more extreme cases there may also be physical abuse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In other cases, the abuse may be much more subtle. Take the diving example above. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The narcissist failed to praise their child for something they did well, and then removed the diving lessons to prevent them doing it again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They might have done this so that the scapegoat stealing the thunder from the golden child \u2013 but they\u2019d never admit that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As you can well imagine, the relationship between golden children and the scapegoat is likely to be strained at best, but downright toxic more often. This comes down to how the golden children treats the scapegoat children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In some cases, mainly where the golden child identifies with the narcissistic parent, or has a narcissistic side themselves, they will join in the abuse directed towards the scapegoat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is obviously no basis for a healthy relationship, and the narcissistic parent will do nothing to bridge this gap. In fact, they will likely encourage rivalry and hostility, using triangulation<\/a> as a tool of control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When we experience stress, neglect, and abuse early in life can have long-term effects on us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In one study<\/a> of 21,000 people in Australia, those who experienced childhood abuse were at greater risk of poor mental health, particularly anxiety and depression, and poor physical health, including a higher risk of heart problems. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The striking thing about this study, is that the participants were all over the age of 60. The researchers concluded that \u201cthe effects of childhood abuse appear to last a lifetime.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n In the case of the scapegoated child in a narcissistic family, some other more specific issues might spring up. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Some have referred to these as \u201cscapegoat child syndrome,\u201d although this isn\u2019t a recognised condition in the way that disorders like depression are. Psych Central lists a few of the longer-term impacts<\/a> that the scapegoated child might experience:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1) An altered view of relationships\/difficulty trusting others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2) Internalising the negative views that are pushed upon them, leading to excessive self-criticism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3) Little or no sense of belonging, due to never experiencing a safe and stable family life<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4) Damage to their sense of self<\/p>\n\n\n\n 5) Repeating the pattern \u2013 they may be drawn to friends and romantic partners who are controlling or narcissistic themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Again, \u201cscapegoat child syndrome\u201d isn\u2019t a recognised condition – rather, it\u2019s something that popped up online, it\u2019s a label given to the negative effects of being the golden child. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Negative<\/em> effects? Yep, you read that right. You might think that life is pretty great for golden children – and in terms of day-to-day overt abuse, that\u2019s almost certainly true. However, there are downsides to the this role too. The School of Life<\/a> gives some examples:<\/p>\n\n\n\n But there is another potential impact of being the golden child that we should discuss…<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although there is very little research on these two family roles, there is reason to believe that children placed in the golden child role are at greater risk of developing NPD themselves \u2013 certainly compared to the scapegoat. Here\u2019s why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The development of disorders like NPD is a bit like baking a cake (although the outcome is much less pleasant). <\/p>\n\n\n\n To bake a cake, you need to put the right ingredients together (flour, eggs, sugar, etc.), and then put them into the right environment (a hot oven), for the right amount of time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you use sawdust instead of flour, you will not get a cake – no matter how long you bake it for. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Likewise, if you mix flour, eggs, and sugar together, then put them in a refrigerator instead of an oven, you won\u2019t get a cake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So it is with NPD. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The \u201cingredients\u201d of NPD are genetic<\/a> – a particular combination of genes work in tandem to produce the psychological and behavioural effects that we call narcissism. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We all inherit half of our genes from our mother, and half from our father. So it really is a roll of the dice when it comes to whether the children of narcissists inherit these genetic ingredients or not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The research so far suggests that these genes are necessary for NPD to develop \u2013 or at least, they make it much more likely. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If the golden child doesn\u2019t inherit these ingredients, it\u2019s like mixing sawdust with eggs and sugar \u2013 not going to make a cake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If children do inherit these genes, they\u2019ve got the right ingredients, but they still need to be \u201cbaked\u201d. So what\u2019s the equivalent of the hot oven in this analogy? What are the environmental factors that might \u201cactivate\u201d these genes, and cause NPD to develop?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n One of the key factors identified in the research is parental overvaluation<\/a> \u2013 this is where parents shower their children with praise, even when they have done nothing to warrant it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re thinking, \u201cThat sounds exactly like the description of the golden child,\u201d then you\u2019re right – it is! <\/p>\n\n\n\n The theory goes like this \u2013 when children are told continuously that they are special and better than other people, but they don\u2019t understand why, then the only way they can get that feeling of being special<\/a>, is through praise. So, the child develops a need for verbal praise from others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n At the same time, the fact that a narcissistic parent doesn\u2019t provide any unconditional love or affection creates low self-esteem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They don\u2019t know when or how the praise will come, so they start learning how to elicit it from other people through things like bragging and lying. If you\u2019re thinking, \u201cThat sounds like a description of a narcissist,\u201d you\u2019d be right again!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some research also suggests<\/a> that the siblings of scapegoated children display lower than normal levels of empathy. It could be that siblings with low empathy end up being the ones who join in on the abuse of the scapegoat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But, the researchers also propose that it could be the other way around \u2013 siblings who join in on the abuse could end up with lower empathy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, the child may suppress their empathy to hide from themselves the fact that they are being abusive \u2013 to avoid the self-guilt and self-shame that this might trigger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Since impaired empathy is another characteristic of NPD, this shows another potential reason why we might expect more golden children than scapegoats to develop NPD themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, another important thing to point out here is that the second parent’s impact can be crucial. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If the second parent is non-narcissistic and can show the golden child the warmth they don\u2019t get from the parent with NPD, while also not engaging in overvaluation, they might act as a barrier, preventing NPD from developing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although it might sound strange, there are some advantages to being the scapegoat child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although they receive the brunt of the narcissistic abuse, the golden child is certainly more controlled \u2013 they have more expectations put upon them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Their role is to serve the narcissist’s needs and give them something to brag about. Because of the narcissist\u2019s low opinion of the scapegoat, they have less expectations placed on them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The golden child in this dynamic is being manipulated and abused too. But the abuse is more subtle, more confusing. They may not really realize what\u2019s happening, and may not see their situation as unfavorable, at least relative to the scapegoat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This means that the scapegoat has the most incentive and opportunity to leave the toxic family environment of the two roles. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When they leave, they may also take a stronger sense of who they actually are with them \u2013 something they may not fully develop, as they are being shaped by the narcissist. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So what happens when the scapegoat child leaves? <\/p>\n\n\n\n The writers over at \u201cSilence is not OK\u201d suggest that<\/a> discord in the family can increase after the scapegoat child leaves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As we\u2019ll see, the scapegoat child can form as a kind of pressure release valve. When that valve is taken away, the anger that the narcissist previously it directed at the scapegoat, will find alternative targets.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They may also find someone else to fill the scapegoat role. If the narcissist set up the golden child-scapegoat dynamic in the first place, it is probably because they need it (we\u2019ll discuss these needs a little later on). So with the family now a scapegoat down, what does the narcissist do?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Well, the original scapegoat will often remain the scapegoat, even if they are not physically present. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Much like Napoleon did to Snowball in George Orwell\u2019s animal farm, the narcissist may continue to use, blame, and insult the scapegoat, even in their absence. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If there are any more children in the family, another sibling may take up the scapegoat mantle, and in some cases, they might switch roles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s important to note that the two roles we\u2019re discussing here say more about the parent assigning then than they do about the characteristics of the children themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Some people who have reported experiences have said that the roles were more fluid in their family. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They were based on which child was the flavor of the month \u2013 in other words, which child had been most effective at providing narcissistic supply and the ablest to avoid triggering a narcissistic injury.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although it\u2019s more common for the roles to be fixed than fluid, a fixed role is not necessarily permanent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Often a narcissist\u2019s opinion of someone is influenced more by their most recent interactions with that person, than a rational, long-term evaluation of their interactions over time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n So, if the golden child was to trigger a sufficiently painful narcissistic injury, they could certainly find themselves out of that role and perhaps the new family scapegoat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Of course, the action that would trigger such a role change will vary from person to person, but imagine if the golden child directly challenged the narcissist\u2019s abuse of the scapegoat \u2013 it\u2019s hard to imagine them remaining in this role for too long after something like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Before we get into this, let me make a quick little side point. This family dynamic is not guaranteed to occur in families with narcissistic parents. <\/p>\n\n\n\n At the time of writing, there is very little research on these roles, so we don\u2019t know for sure how common they are. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The main thing we have to go on is people\u2019s reports, and this can make the dynamic seem more common than it actually is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, how many online or off reports have you read where someone said, \u201cI grew up in a household with a narcissistic parent, and we didn\u2019t have a scapegoat or a golden child.\u201d? <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve read a few comments about this effect, but not many. But is that because this dynamic is super-common, or is it because people who didn\u2019t<\/em> experience it aren\u2019t speaking up as much?<\/p>\n\n\n\n We have no way of knowing. One fair assumption we could make, is that this dynamic is more likely to occur in people with more severe NPD, especially those who we might classify as \u201cmalignant narcissists<\/a>.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n We\u2019d expect to see it less in narcissists with less severe symptoms of NPD, and much less still in people who are narcissistic, but don\u2019t meet the criteria for NPD.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So the key driver behind this dynamic will be the severity of the parent\u2019s narcissism. But just remember that not all narcissists have NPD, and not all narcissists with NPD have malignant narcissism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Anyway, with that point made, let\u2019s explore why a parent with NPD might be inclined to push their children into them…<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are a few possibilities as to why a narcissist might have a scapegoat child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When one key family member puts their needs (far) ahead of everyone else\u2019s, this can create dynamics where stress, fear, and conflict are more common.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now, to a narcissist, image is everything \u2013 and this applies even within the family, where they are largely the one in control. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Since narcissists view themselves are pretty much perfect, they have a bit of a dilemma here \u2013 if they are so great, why would there be there stress and conflict within the family?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Enter the scapegoat as a ready-made solution to this problem. As Peg Streep explains over at Psychology Today<\/a>, <\/p>\n\n\n\n the scapegoat \u201cpermits the narcissistic mother to make sense of family dynamics and the things that displease her without ever blemishing her own role as a \u201cperfect\u201d mother, or feeling the need for any introspection or action. She has a ready-made explanation for fractiousness or any other deviation from what she expects her family to look like.<\/em>\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n (note: Streep was talking about narcissistic mothers in this article, but the point applies equally to narcissistic fathers).<\/p>\n\n\n\n So one reason narcissists create scapegoat role, is for them to serve as a lightning rod, attracting negativity so they don\u2019t have to experience it themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This can sometimes become a team effort where the rest of the family joins in \u2013 commonly known as \u201cfamily mobbing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another reason is narcissists have a scapegoat child is more simple – to serve as a source of narcissistic supply. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists sometimes insult and put others down so they can feel better about themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It simply enables them to think better of themselves, knowing that there\u2019s someone else that they\u2019re superior to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One interesting theory around why narcissists create these two roles is that they are projecting different aspects of themselves onto their children. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As you may know, people with NPD have two \u201cselves\u201d. One is the the grandiose image of the perfect person that they present to the world. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The other lives much deeper in their mind \u2013 the insecure self who lurks beneath the surface. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The insecure self worries that they aren\u2019t as important as they like to think. Narcissists hate this aspect of themselves and put most of their energy into avoiding ever having to face it or accept that it is real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yet it\u2019s there underneath, nonetheless. So what do you do in that situation? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Well, one thing you can do, is to protect your insecure self onto someone else – the scapegoat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Any hatred towards the insecure self can then be directed at the scapegoat. They turn an inner conflict into an outer one – something they can attack and control more easily. They \u201cexternalize\u201d their pain, so that it\u2019s no longer a part of themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are a couple of ideas as to why narcissists have a golden child:<\/p>\n\n\n\n To understand a narcissist\u2019s behavior, you need to come back to their two key needs \u2013 to obtain narcissistic supply and avoid narcissistic injury<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So how does the golden child provide supply? It comes down to the family image. They don\u2019t just just praise the golden child directly, they brag about them to others, too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They understand that to have intelligent, successful, high-achieving children is something that gets you a little status in the eyes of other people, so they use the golden child to get that status. It\u2019s the offspring equivalent of a trophy wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The golden child will also be a direct source of supply to the narcissist \u2013 they are the narcissist\u2019s chief assistant, there to serve their needs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The golden child will often come to identify with the narcissistic parent, and then reflect their positive view back at them. They are like a familial \u201cyes man\/woman\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As the scapegoat is the projection of the narcissist\u2019s insecure self, the golden child is the projection of the narcissist\u2019s grandiose self. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s often said that narcissists see their children as extensions of themselves, rather than as individuals in their own right. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So in a sense, the golden child \u2013 or at least the narcissist\u2019s image of them – is who the narcissist would like to be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As I said earlier, while these dynamics appear to be somewhat common, they won\u2019t appear in all narcissistic families. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And where they appear, each instance will have its unique flavor and severity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Did you grow up in a family where one or both parents were narcissistic? If so, what was your experience? Do these roles match up with what you experienced?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Are You Interested in The Following Topics?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One of the \u201cpattern\u201d that Thomas refers to here is known as the \u201cgolden child scapegoat dynamic.\u201d Here\u2019s what we know about what this is, why it arises, and how it affects the family.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3605,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[598],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3589"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3589"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3589\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3605"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3589"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3589"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3589"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}The golden child and scapegoat child<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
![\"Why](\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/Why-Do-Narcissists-Have-a-Golden-Child-and-Scapegoat-Child_.jpg\")
<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\nGolden child characteristics<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Scapegoat child characteristics<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
The Golden child-scapegoat child relationship<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Scapegoat child syndrome<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Golden child syndrome<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Does the golden child become a narcissist?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
What happens to the golden child when the scapegoat leaves?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Can the golden child become the scapegoat?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Why do narcissists have a golden child and a scapegoat child?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Why do narcissists have a scapegoat child?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
The emotional lightning rod<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Supply<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Projection<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Why do narcissists have a golden child?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Supply<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Projection<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Does this sound familiar?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n