We\u2019ve also never experienced Narcissist hoovering techniques – the ways they reframe their abuse and tell you it will never happen again. Until we\u2019ve been through it, there\u2019s no way to understand just how difficult it is to walk away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In this article, I will explain what this concept is and give you 15 Narcissist hoovering examples<\/strong> Narcissists frequently use.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Table of Contents<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The name says it all – like a vacuum cleaner, they suck you back into the relationship after a period of narcissistic abuse or narcissistic rage. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They employ a variety of tactics ranging from gaslighting <\/a>and misdirection to outpourings of love to straight-up threats. In any case, it\u2019s about regaining control of the person and preventing them from leaving the relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n The classic cycle of an (abusive) narcissistic relationship progresses from the narcissist idealizing their supply source, then devaluing them, before eventually discarding<\/a> them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Not all discards are final though, and hoovering is a way to tap back into that supply source. To paraphrase Al Pacino: \u201cjust when you thought you were out, they pull you back in\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists are faced with a troubling dilemma: on one hand, they need supply<\/a> – attention, compliments, and respect, but they also have a tendency to lash out<\/a> at those providing the supply, especially when challenged. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s hard for them to maintain a source of it, so it pays to figure out who will stick around after a few bouts of narcissistic rage<\/a>; that\u2019s where hoovering comes in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestion:<\/strong> How to Make a Narcissist Come Crawling Back?<\/a><\/mark><\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s much easier to tap a previous supply source than it is to find a new one. The narcissist already knows their victim\u2019s quirks and weaknesses, which they can use to extract more supply from them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissist Hoovering<\/strong> comes in so many different forms, which can make it incredibly difficult for those being targeted to know what\u2019s happening in the moment. Often it\u2019s only in hindsight that they see how the narcissist was manipulating them all along.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This might be the most straightforward hoovering tactic<\/strong>, and although it can be incredibly scary, it doesn\u2019t leave any questions about the intentions of the narcissist. Most often they\u2019ll use statements like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Those words are designed to make you think that life without the narcissist will be worse, much much worse. Frightening scenarios like losing your home, children, or finances prevent you from thinking clearly about how destructive life with a narcissist has been and how much power they actually have to enact their revenge upon you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Additionally, if you\u2019re in danger physically, don\u2019t assume that appeasing the narcissist will keep you safe. Extricating yourself from the toxic relationship is the only way to ensure that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The simplest solution to dealing with a narcissist is to walk away and go no-contact. That\u2019s easier said than done though; it\u2019s near impossible if you share a close circle of friends and is unworkable if you share custody of a child with them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The narcissist will invent problems for the person you care for and use them as an excuse to continue contact. The problem may be fictitious or exaggerated – anything to get your guard down so they can worm their way back into your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists know that you want nothing to do with them after a discard. Many fabricate innocuous reasons for seeing or speaking to you, such as visiting places around town that you\u2019re known to frequent or calling you by \u201caccident\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This form of hoovering feels very much like stalking, but it\u2019s done in such a way that you can\u2019t really prove the narcissist is intentionally contacting you. Once they\u2019re in your presence or have you on the line, they\u2019ll ask probing questions about how your life is going post-break-up. If they find a weakness, they\u2019ll exploit it to keep you hooked and providing them with supply.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019ve ever been through a breakup where you had to move out, you know how awkward it can be to grab all of your stuff. You might send a friend over to do it or ask your former partner to not be around while you pack up, but those methods won\u2019t fly with a narcissist. Not only will they remind you of everything you might have left at their house, they\u2019ll make sure to note anything of theirs in your possession. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s never about the things though; they\u2019re just an easy talking point that forces you to stay in contact with them. If you\u2019ve recently broken up with a narcissist, make sure you sort out whatever property either of you might have so you can move on as quickly as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The most common reason people fall in love with a narcissist is the intense flattery that occurs at the beginning of the relationship (love bombing). Narcissists can be charming and during the idealization phase, their love for you seems to know no bounds. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Unfortunately, they only love how you make them feel through your supply, and that feeling is fleeting. When the feelings cool, devaluation, and discard occur. To pull you back into their circle, the narcissist reverts to that idealization phase, as they crave the initial supply you gave them and the feelings that came with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Few of us would ever fall in love with an abuser – there\u2019s usually at least a brief moment at the beginning of a relationship when everything is going well. When the narcissist wants to pull you back into their life, they\u2019ll remind you of the good times, hoping you\u2019ll forget everything that followed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It helps to keep in mind that the narcissist’s more recent behavior is a better predictor of their future actions than those warm moments from the beginning of the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What\u2019s the one thing we always hear from domestic violence survivors about their abusers? When they lash out, they say they\u2019ll never do it again, only to repeat the same cycle over and over again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n While people certainly can change, when the narcissist says that they will, it\u2019s rarely a sincere commitment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n On the surface this behavior actually actually seems kind of sweet – they\u2019re thinking about you. Unfortunately, their concern for your well-being is just a veneer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is an opportunity for them to call you, look like a good person, and keep you on the line. While they\u2019re at it, the narcissist might seek out information about how you\u2019re doing\/feeling, which they can use to manipulate you into further contact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n This is frequently used when you\u2019ve gone no-contact after breaking up with the narcissist and they\u2019ll use it to get their foot in the door.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The conversation that ensues doesn\u2019t provide you with closure or help to clear up a misunderstanding. The narcissist is drawing you in with the possibility of some finality to their Narcissistic abuse – you just need to endure one last conversation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But it\u2019s not the final call, and the content of the conversation will veer wildly from what you assumed it would be. It\u2019s all about pulling you back into the relationship. A similar tactic would be the narcissist saying they \u201cneed to see you one last time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Have you ever had an ex that kept liking your Facebook or Instagram posts long after you broke up and stopped talking? Notifications keep popping up with their name in them, and you can\u2019t help but think about them and what their intention is for these likes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists are experts at this head game and they know the more time you spend wondering about them, the more likely you are to return to the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists frequently use their victim\u2019s faith against them, twisting their beliefs to keep them in the relationship longer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Our religious faith contains some of our most deeply held beliefs. When a narcissist hijacks the authority of those beliefs, and forces us to choose between staying with them or ostensibly going against our faith, it can be devastating. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Fortunately, faith can also provide you with a community of people that care about you and provide much-needed perspective on your relationship with the narcissist. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is where the narcissist will pretend that nothing negative happened between the two of you or they\u2019ll minimize it to the point of irrelevance. Their prior emotional abuse will be blown off as \u201ca phase\u201d or \u201cminor argument\u201d, when it was really a series of one-sided attacks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The narcissist has created a new reality where both of you were at fault. Such tactics also make you question the severity of the abuse and whether you overreacted to it. As such, you\u2019re more likely to accept it in the future. <\/p>\n\n\n\n By definition, narcissists are highly-skilled at promoting themselves and all of their positive qualities. Many are also quite good at finding faults within you, and pointing out how you\u2019ll never find someone better. They\u2019ll attack the most vulnerable elements of your personality and pounce on the qualities you hold dearest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists are masters of manipulation and recruiting an army of flying monkeys<\/a> is one of their most favored tactics. The narcissist will seek out your mutual friends, family members, or even work acquaintances if they can, and use them to pressure you to return to the relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The narcissist might mention how much they miss you, how good things had been, or even pin the blame for the break up on you. Using your unwitting contacts against you is particularly damaging as it starts to feel like you have no one who can empathize with your problems. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The narcissist\u2019s hope is that you\u2019ll eventually return to them rather than be ostracized by friends and family that believed the relationship was going swimmingly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the quickest ways for a narcissist to get your guard down is by threatening to hurt themselves. It places their victim into a position of responsibility, where walking away would feel immoral. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This tactic is particularly damaging because you can\u2019t be sure if the narcissist is using these threats to control you or if there is a real possibility of self-harm. If suicide is mentioned, call the police. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Though you should never feel responsible for the actions of the narcissist, this is a good way to take the responsibility off of yourself, without feeling guilty about walking away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n There are so many forms of hoovering that there\u2019s really no one-size-fits-all solution. The best thing you can do for yourself is simply recognizing that it\u2019s happening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If it feels like you\u2019re being manipulated in some way, you almost certainly are and it\u2019s best to break contact as quickly as possible. <\/p>\n\n\n\n With these 15 Narcissist hoovering examples you will have a better idea what hoovering is and how to recognize it. You can read more about the hoovering, in our next article: Why the Hoovering Narcissist<\/a> won’t leave you alone.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n Every once in a while you\u2019ll see a story on the news – a domestic abuse situation where the victim was assaulted but immediately returned to their abuser. When it happens, we ask why this person would ever go back to such a toxic situation. We judge them and wonder how they could have so … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3504,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[599],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3454"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3454"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3454\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3504"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3454"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3454"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3454"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Narcissist Hoovering Explained<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Why Does a Narcissist Hoover?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
15 Narcissist Hoovering Examples<\/h2>\n\n\n
![\"narcissist](\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/narcissist-hoovering.jpg\")
<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n1. Making Threats<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. Using Children or Mutual Friends as a Foot in the Door<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. Faux Incidental Contact<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. Holding on to Your Belongings<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. Boosting Your Ego<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
6. Reminiscing About the Past<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
7. Promising a Better Future<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
8. Calling on Memorable Dates<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
9. One Last Conversation<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
10. Subtly Reaching Out<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
11. Appeals to Religious Beliefs<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
12. Glossing Over Past Abuse<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
13. Destroying Your Self Worth<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
14. Bringing In a Third Party<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
15. Threatening to Harm Themselves<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How to Combat Hoovering?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/narcissist-hoover-examples.jpg\")
<\/figure><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"